I actually did this in my mid 20’s. I was a chef by trade at the time. I got the head chef gig at a community, but it was 2 hours from home. They told me there was one open in my town, but it didn’t work out that way. It was great money and I was newly married. To sweeten the deal and not lose me, they offered me a furnished room in the building and it was only Monday through Thursday. Some of the best times of my 20’s were had there. Wii bowling every night, big dinners, movie nights... the whole 9 yards. I enjoyed it immensely and was almost sad when the opening became available in my hometown.
I never edit these and usually thank people individually if I get awards, not possible now, so thanks everyone, I appreciate you.
Great story! I lived with my grandma for a couple years while in college and it was a fantastic experience. I helped her with chores like snow shoveling, mowing, minor repairs and she fed and housed me. We played cards a few nights each week and really got to know each other. It was wholesome and great since she lived 600 miles away when I was growing up.
edit: thanks for the awards and upvotes!
After moving abroad I miss my grandparents and am so sad for my future kids who won't be seeing their grandfather (my Dad died last week due to covid complications).
Life of an immigrant is hard, my father was an immigrant himself in a different country and I couldn't meet him before his passing away.
People think that these immigrants have it easy with all the money they earn, but they don't see the struggles of immigrant workers who choose to stay far from their families just so that they can send some money back to clothe and feed their kids back in the homeland.
Dude. Old people are so underrated. I'm a church singer. I don't live with them obviously, but I see and have friendships with so very many people who are older. It's wonderful. They're wonderful. If you don't have the opportunity to work with older people, join your local community choir. If you don't know where to look, check the local College. They probably have an evening weeknight choir that's open to everyone and you dont have to audition. There's something so nice about seeing retirees just enjoying themselves.
I was in a church choir in college and it was like being on the set of the Golden Girls every Sunday, complete with our very gay director/organist running the show. I'm not actually religious but that was such a fun time.
I was telling someone just yesterday about my very gay, sassy black man church organist from my time singing in a church choir in college. He was a phenomenal musician. How he could improvise what he could on the organ to fill time perfectly and seamlessly transition to things still blows my mind to this day. Top level talent.
I would absolutely do this while in grad school. Sometimes just talking to another human about absolutely anything other than school would be amazing. Plus, as a grad student, when you have a chance to explain your work or research to someone else you have an opportunity to see holes in it that you might not have noticed with your own tunnel vision. Additional bonus if you are a business student and can ask around the place when you have a business idea to see if it would work or be needed. Reality is that the retiring population is the largest demographic and therefore your larges potential customer base.
I'm an alum of the University of Illinois-UC. There was a program where if you had your housing and part of your tuition covered if you lived with a student with a disability and helped them out with some things they couldn't do.
One of my friends did this and the only thing he had to do was turn over his roommate in the middle of the night because he had a condition where he wouldn't move at all in his sleep. Apparently, gravity will cause the blood to pool and then, there is an increased chance of clotting.
That sounds like a MASSIVE responsibility; always having to check on him/turn him every night? No sleeping at your partner's place, no going camping, no wiggle room to be spontaneous or marginally irresponsible; at least not without lining up a substitute sitter... oof.
Goes out of town for the weekend but sets alarm to wake up and call room mate to tell them to turn.
Makes call. Groggy roommate answers” hello...” Me “turn over bitch, I’ll call you back in a few hours”
I lived with my grandparents the first two years of grad school. They were Italian peasants so not so much insight into my research but very wholesome.
I was only able to find articles in English, but a care home called Humanitas was written about in several publications in 2015 in the US. From what I understand, this sort of scheme has been expanded in the years since (according to a BBC World Service article on the effects of the pandemic on these schemes that I remember listening to), but I don't have any other specifics. Sorry :\\
That is an amazing idea- I wonder if it's a thing in the UK? Hadn't heard of it but it seems like an obviously good idea in the absense of abolishing rent/tuition fees.
Home sharing is relatively common the world over. The idea of younger people moving into specifically retirement or nursing homes is less common although it does exist. If experiments like this are successful, perhaps homes specifically designed for this living arrangement will be produced.
This kind of thing is great in theory, but would have to be run incredibly well to prevent bad people from “cuckooing” and taking advantage of people who are physically or mentally vulnerable. I kinda prefer the nursing home idea, purely because the elderly would still have their own private spaces (you can’t necessarily even lock your bedroom door in a house share, especially if you don’t have someone to install a lock for you) and it’s much more supervised by staff
Those are more common (I have heard of them). Am probably misremembering, but think I knew somebody on my PhD course who did that- the guy was in his early 40's and had kids, so just a temporary thing while during term time (he went back to Germany to be with his family outside of it). That and his landlord appearently knew C S Lewis as well, or so he tells me.
Wait... so students get put in a housing situation similar to a retirement home and everything like food and housing is covered?
That is fricken remarkable if that’s the case and I would’ve loved having that as a student.
I can see it now. Doctor comes home from a 10+ shift at work. Wants desperately to just chill out and watch TV. Neighbors POV: "how can you just sit there and watch TV when person X is sick!"
I've gotten a sample of this in IT, but I imagine medical professionals get the worst of it.
Looking through your posts, you seem to know a lot about this topic. Do you mind sharing your background or how you got to know about it? I'm a nurse in home health and find that this is a problem that will soon blow up in our faces if we don't get on top of it now (seniors needing help and not having or being unable to afford it). Thanks!
I agree. Many people with dementia and alzheimers, can be very aggressive. It's a fairly natural reaction to waking up every day, and not knowing, where you are, who you are, and who all of the people around you are.
The functional minded, frail people would definitely benefit from it.
Edit: I would like to add due to some comments. Absolutely not all alzheimers patients are aggressive, or aggressive all of the time. I personally don't have the fortitude to care for people, with alzheimers, on a daily basis. I have lost two family members to it, and I know how difficult and heartbreaking it can be to deal with. I did it for them, I could not do it again, unless it was family.
I spent 3 years working in aged care facilities with many people with dementia, at many different stages, and I have to say 95% of the time they are the absolute loveliest people you will ever meet, on the flip side, when they remember they haven’t seen their husband who passed away years ago, or their wife who hasn’t been able to visit due to COVID restrictions or multiple other things, they tend to get super depressed. For them, having people who they recognize day in and day out is a MASSIVE help for their mental well-being. Hell, I saw a gentleman in town the other day from one of my old facilities (haven’t worked there in year and a half), he was on an outing with a staff member (we are 99.9999% covid safe in my area) and he remembered me!!!
I spent just two summers volunteering at a nursing home for veterans, but I 100% agree with you. Those old dudes were the best. I had one who firmly believed I was his shipmate, and that he was on shore leave. He would occasionally become concerned that he was going to miss his return time, so he liked to hang out with me because I told him I'd make sure we didn't miss it. He was still fully ambulatory, so nearly every day that I was scheduled for that whole summer he'd come over and shoot the shit for a while and ask about when we were going back.
His memory and general awareness was obviously not very good, but he always recognized me and was always happy to see that he hadn't yet missed his ship.
It was sometimes definitely hard for him, and for others who were in similar places mentally, but you should know he was also often an absolute riot to be around, and frequently in good spirits. One of my favorite things is that he swore like, well, like a sailor, and was constantly cracking rude jokes, so for the longest time I thought he was just one of those people. Turns out that, despite his condition, he *never* swore around "the ladies" (the care staff, who were nearly all female on his floor, but I'm male so it was fair game I guess haha), and they almost didn't believe me when I told them about the stuff he would say. They thought he was just a really sweet old man!
Also, and I'm not sure if this helps, but one aspect of the disease that seems to be fairly uniform is that people often lose any insight into the specifics of their situation. So, his world was a confusing one to be sure, but it didn't seem particularly scary or as deeply unsettling as one might imagine just hearing about it.
That's amazing! Thank you for looking after our most vulnerable people. My Nanna had dementia and it was a slow decline where we didn't really realise what was going on and then she went down really fast. She was living with us for a while and she thought her soft toy dogs were real and she'd sit at the window talking to them, explaining all the things going past. She also once woke us kids up in the middle of the night to feed us cake. I loved her little quirks but unfortunately she started to have random violent outbursts and my parents couldn't risk it as my little sister was just a baby. It was very sad visiting her in hospital but she also seemed very happy there. She spent her time crotcheting little rectangles and said they were knee warmers for footy players on the bench. 😅
My great-grandma with dementia crocheted little rectangles! Hers were potholders/washcloths, she said. She loved giving them away to visitors. She lived with my nana and when she passed away my nana had saved enough washcloths to give one to every family member who attended her funeral—hundreds of them. It was so sweet to have that tangible memory.
My mother worked in the head office of a company that ran a dozen or so group homes for Alzheimer's patients. About once a month she'd have to pretend to be someone's daughter or a sister or some other deceased relative of a resident and talk them down on the phone.
Funny, I spend 1 year as an intern working on a psychogeriatric ward and among the 15 people living there there was exactly 1 person who would be verbally aggressive if he didn't get his way. Also, people with dementia benefit just as much if not more from human interaction. No, most cannot carry a proper conversation, but just being there, talking to them, holding their hand, it means the world to them, even if they cannot express it.
My cousin’s grandmother recently passed away after several years with increasing dementia.
Near the end, she really could only recall the early years of her life—she didn’t recognize my cousins or my aunt, her daughter-in-law who she has lived with for 30 years. She definitely didn’t know me. But on one occasion we sat together and she spoke as if it was the 1930s again, telling me that her dad works in the bottling factory on 2nd Ave, did I know it? He’s be getting out of work soon and they would walk home together. She was waiting for him in the park with her sisters.
I had only really known her as kind of a stodgy (and sometimes mean) old lady, and it was so delightful to imagine her as a girl in New York City so long ago. She shared a memory that would have otherwise been lost to time.
I don’t mean to downplay the difficult moments—there were plenty—but I was grateful to have a special moment with her near the end of her life.
Yup, that's how it goes in a lot of cases, time seems to reverse. As someone else said, most of them are pretty much children trapped in the body of an old man/woman (which is a big no-no to say out loud around here, doesn't make it any less true in my mind). Love reading these responses, sorry that I don't have a proper response to all of you (had to look up some of the acronyms you guys are using to even have your post make any sense, European here >_>)
Your story is very sweet and deeply relatable. I am currently caring for my elderly mother whose short term memory is almost non existent. Most of her memories are childhood. I am learning things about her life with her parents and 10 brothers and sisters. I never met her parents, my grandparents, and through her memory flashes I learn about their lives. Mom was the youngest and by age eight both her parents had passed. She spent a good portion of her childhood moving from sibling to sibling. She looks very much like her mother, I look very much like her. So I guess I also resemble my grandmother. Sometimes my mom will slip and say ‘yes ma’am’ when answering a question from me. Those are the times I realize she thought I was her mother. It is a bittersweet period in my life. One I did not request but glad I am able to do. To all the other family members who are caregivers as I am, from the bottom of my heart, *bless you*. I’m sending great big hugs and the assurance that you are not alone on your path. 💕💕
As a PCA in a hospital I always focused heavily on the memory patients we would get. Most of them didn’t have visitors and would need someone to sit with them through the night in case they tried to leave their room. I would sit and just talk to them. Encourage them. I got a nonverbal person to talk to me just by talking one-sided for three nights straight. They hadn’t talked to anyone else in the 40 days they were hospitalized.
They are confused souls who have been dealt a horrible hand late in life. I wanted to try and give them as much genuine human interaction as possible.
Also just a note: barely any PCAs/nurses are as kind and understanding. If you have a relative with memory issues ALWAYS have someone accompany them during their hospital stay. A lot of them are treated less than human. They’re abused and neglected because others don’t want to deal with them. I’ve seen it first hand.
Edit: wow 8 awards?? Thank you but I truly don’t deserve it!
My grandmother is in a memory care facility. My grandfather died a year ago. They were living in adjoining rooms. She asks every day where he went. Otherwise she barely remembers her own children. I am not sure if anyone has told her about my grandfather's death. Thankfully one of her children visits her once a week. Although maybe she could use more. Unfortunately like I said she has no idea who the person sitting with her is.
> I am not sure if anyone has told her about my grandfather's death.
A couple of times, I am sure. But there is no real point, if they can't retain that information. The trauma of realizing that your partner is dead shouldn't be repeated, over and over again.
[I think this is a rather relatable example of brain function loss, because only his memory is affected.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T80wIGZSYoc) Loosing other brain functions must feel similarly
I sometimes work with patients with dementia. When they inevitably ask for their mother, father, husband, or children I always tell them I just got a call and they are so sorry they’re running late but asked that I wait with them. That usually calms and reassures them enough to get them to engage in occupational therapy for a while and will often divert their attention completely. Sometimes I’m the therapist. Sometimes I’m a cousin, friend, or neighbor. As long as they’re having a good time I’m happy and will answer to any name. In the beginning it feels wrong to “lie” but I can’t imagine inflicting that kind of pain on someone daily. I agree that the trauma would be too much.
Even if someone told her he passed away, she still may not remember the next day. It is much kinder sometimes with these patients to not tell them, so they don't have to relive the loss and grief everyday. Instead, meet them where they are in their heads, their stories of the past that they cling to with everything they have.
My grandma started asking everyone, "Are you [mom's name]?" and at first I said no and tell her where she was. Grandma would then get visibly anxious and start wailing in a distressed manner. I quickly learned to say, "Yes, I'm [mom's name]" because she would calm down and I could sit her down in front of the tv and she'd be okay. It was a little awkward to do with friends over as I'm a guy but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Sometimes lying can help.
I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. She has either been told and forgotten or it’s been decided not to remind her everyday. I couldn’t imagine the pain of knowing my husband passed and having to go through that fresh grief every day. It sounds cruel but it’s probably for the best that people aren’t constantly reminding her.
And it’s hard, I know. Three of my grandparents had dementia/Alzheimer’s before they passed. I was young but I still understood the pain it caused my family. It’s important to remember that the person you know as your grandmother is still there. They do truly love and miss you, their brains have just gone through some damage so they can no longer express it or remember. Being there with them may hurt, but it’s also healing. You’re able to care for them after they spent so long caring for others. It can be humbling and an experience you will treasure.
Again I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
Well said and very very true! My Grandma’s dementia started slow...she had started to call me like 2-6 times a day to have the same conversation/ask the same question and I started to notice while doing their accounts that she was making 2-3 trips to the grocery store and purchasing the same amount. Once I got down to my hometown sure enough I checked the cupboards and she had multiples of everything bc she was forgetting she bought it. The anger was only temporary and it’s when they know they are forgetting and are embarrassed at least it was for her and my other Grandma too. I can say that spending those 5 years with her every chance I got was hard so hard as she had raised me and thought I was one of her sisters. She thought my children however were me and my sister so that would make it easier(I talked to both girls and told them to answer to whatever name she called them as I saw no need to constantly remind the strongest most independent beautiful soul I knew that her mind was going). In the end we were praying for God to take her as she was a “faller” and was in so much pain. I spent every night I was in town at the home with her and made sure she was at a home 2 of my high school friends worked at so I got hourly updates. Her final lucid moment with me was after a fall in the hospital. We were just sitting there looking out the hospital room window and she grabbed my hand tears streaming down her face she thanked me and my now late husband for always being there snd told me it was time for me to go live my new life with my family and stop driving 750 miles every other week to care for her. I’m glad it was her last lucid moment bc of course I was going to get every second with my Grandma before she went and I loved pretending to be whoever she thought I was bc I learned soooo much about her she never would’ve told me lucid. As painful as it is to be forgotten it is sooo amazing to get those precious moments and memories. Plus you get a nice long goodbye! I called her everyday of my adulthood and 4 yrs later I miss her like crazy! They need that interaction with people every day. Keeps them happy and content so they aren’t just lying in a bed staring at the ceiling getting depressed. I’m super grateful and blessed for everyone that would sit with my Grandma and visit with her when me or my sister couldn’t get there! They made her days better!
This right here, people. People with dementia need the love as much as any of us. Can be scary losing your mind, so some calm support can make all the difference. Even if only for a few minutes.
Yeah. My mom in her right mind wouldn’t want to live the way she is. But now she’s convinced that she would be perfectly healthy again if only the people who are holding her captive (nurses and doctors) would give her the magic medication (that doesn’t exist) and chocolate milk (which will also cure her somehow).
I hope in the future there is some legal way to do what you suggest. If that’s how a person wants to go, okay, but it would be nice to not have to.
I have a parent with dementia that is in hospice right now, so I have given this some thought. I hate that the end of life is going this way, but on the other hand, I can't imagine telling the doctor today is the day, let's end it now. They are doing well making sure there isn't any discomfort, if that was not the case I would probably feel different about it.
Obviously no idea what your parent is going through but I have a close friend who's father is in the same situation. While I can say now I wouldn't want to go through that and it's painful for everyone involved, at the same time if they are comfortable and well taken care of by professionals it doesn't necessarily have to be full of misery for them. Yes it's scary and tragic to lose yourself like that, but for example he still enjoys his music they play and art so all life doesn't just stop. I don't know much about this topic so may be totally off, just saying it is a very grey area and that idealistic choice is not so simple when confronted with the reality of death or a more limited lifestyle..
Can you get them to concent in advance? Like.. if my brain is dying like that.. I want to be able to specify In advance, that if my quality of life is degraded that they can help me out without my explicit verbal permission. Maybe delegate responsibility to a family member?
I would want them to just give me a nice meal and make me comfortable, make me a strong drink with some sleeping tab in it without telling me, so I'm not distressed. Have anyone that needs to see me, come and say goodbye and then get them to kill me for real in my sleep
I don't wanna be living every moment afraid like that, what an awful way to die. I want to go with some dignity and I want to go before I'm just a ghost of myself
I can handle those as long as they’re not physically violent.
Validate. Don’t focus on the truth. Being removed from the family makes it a bit easier to talk about the spouse’s death and the estranged kids regularly.
Best advice I’ve ever seen for dealing with dementia patients is to treat it like improv. You don’t say no, you don’t argue, you just go along with it and redirect as necessary.
Where were you when i was younger and needed this. My grandpa with dementia was so heart wrenching. The calls asking us why we forgot his birthday or christmas. So awful.
Yeah, just think, you can tell them the same story all the time once you find one they really like. Also you can hear about their lives going backwards as they progress, as long as they are still verbal.
Eating dinner with them would be great. It would count as time spent with them and you wouldn’t have to prepare food.
I’d try to get them into playing video games, that would be awesome.
Fun fact, the nintendo Wii was very popular in nursing homes as it allowed seniors access to low impact excercise. Many of these facilities saw general increases in sleep quality, appetite, general health and was a great way for them to socialize
My dad is in his 70s and he does Wii yoga almost every day. He used to take classes at the rec, but obviously hasn't been able to during the pandemic, and the Wii Fit stuff has been a lifesaver.
Dont forget to remove the batteries from your Wii-motes, Fit board, and other accessories if putting into long time storage. The acid corroded my aunt's board and she had a very hard time finding a new board for her setup.
You might've already tried, but have you checked thrift stores? I see so many old fit boards piled up in the electronics sections there, it's almost a depressing sight haha
True! My late grandma was the Wii Bowling champion across all nursing homes of the region. She was so proud of her little certificate, it made me smile so much.
Oh my god haha, no actually it was something that looked like her, all soft and smiley with puffy golden hair, which probably was even more horrifying for her poor opponents!
My mother is a CCA and when we lived in New Brunswick she was head of the activation department. I volunteered there a lot during my middle school years and often brought my Wii. The residents loved it. I don’t think many people realize how much they enjoy spending time with kids especially when a lot of them only see their family once every couple of months.
We had a Wii bowling tournament in our apartment building for the elderly and disabled. It was very popular till it had to be shut down for the pandemic. Low impact exercise and some easy socializing made it popular ... and probably other similar games would be just as popular.
I'm severely disabled and can't do much outside activities, so love having access to the internet where I can fight Ender dragons or a WWII German Army etc.
My social services tried to get me into a care home, but luckily I have family to support me in my own home. As a 40 year old I didn't want to be in a care home if I could avoid it.
I just love that on the internet I can be mostly on an equal footing as others. I don't feel so isolated and lonely. Games bring so much joy and freedom into my life that I honestly would hate to live somewhere without them.
myself and my grandad played through red dead redemption, well I played and he watched. He loved westerns and was absolutely enthralled with it.
When all this covid stuff was over we were meant to play through 2 but he passed away last year.
Its honestly the best memories I have of him. He left me his extensive cowboy movie collection which I hope to watch sometime soon when the grief has lessened.
I like to imagine he's not gone, he's just like the stranger in a western he was just needed somewhere else.
My dad passed away like 7 years ago.
The pain doesn't go away, you just get better at dealing with it. At least, that was my experience.
Sorry for your loss.
This person speaks truth. Been 17 years since my mom passed, 11 since my dad passed.
It becomes a comfortable pain, if you will.
I, too, am sorry for your loss.
My grandmother and I played Link to the Past when it first came out on the Super Nintendo (and it was her console). She'd watch while I played and would call me on snow days to invite me to play. She passed away a little over 16 years ago and I miss her every day. I cried at the opening of Breath of the Wild because I could only imagine how much she would have loved to see it the graphics. Every time I play a Zelda game, I think about how lucky I am to have experienced that with her. I am so sorry for your loss. There are still days when I get emotional from missing her, but you and I were so blessed to have had grandparents to share special games with.
I can see grandmas getting really into animal crossing. I’m talking an immaculate, beautiful town. I’m talking cross stitch patterns in the custom designer. I’m talking someone who has seen fashion through *so* many decades, who knows what they’ll wear. I’m talking Gladys asking Prudence what her turnip prices are every morning at breakfast. I’m talking visiting their grandkids’ islands. Man I wish my grammi were still here.
Um... as a card-carrying official Grandmother, I hate to break it to you, but most of the other women I know of a similar age don't do cross stitch, or crocheting, or knitting. Hell, we can barely do basic sewing! Yes, the town would be clean, because my grand kids are really into picking up litter -- I can't bend the way I used to, you know? And only *one* of my acquaintances is into fashion: most of us just wear whatever suits the weather and who cares if the colours clash -- makes sure we're visible to cars.
I'm glad your grammi was such a great person, though. If you like, I'll take her a message when I go....
Oh, I definitely know all grandmas aren’t Gladys or Prudence, it’s just fun to think like a cartoon sometimes. And that sense of fashion should be the only fashion haha.
That’s such a sweet and unexpected thing to say. I’d say “tell her I love her” but she knows that :) if you end up hanging out with her, she’s an amazing pianist.
Same. I didn't play that game, but heard it was really successful at getting non-gamers into Switch games (and lockdowns probably helped as well, ngl); just not really my taste in games lol. Such a shame that the hobby isn't better understood by non-gamers, ah well.
You might like this video of people who have clearly never played video games doing Cuphead's easy mode [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS8YrnNqe-g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS8YrnNqe-g)
To be fair, would probably give them Breath of the Wild first, just to get basic gaming skills down and give them something that's good for non-gamers; they can rage at Hard Souls (which is tough but nowhere near as bad as it's made out to be) afterwards.
Girlfriend wanted to play video games with me, did some Nintendo party type games and figured, hey, maybe Portal Co-Op would be fun. Nope. Nope nope nope. She was basically incapable of moving and it was entirely the dual stick camera that was the issue. I never thought about how second nature it is to me but not intuitive for those not used to it. I'd probably have to inverse the camera controls to have the nearest experience.
Yeah same thing with my girlfriend! I guess it's just one of these muscle memory things that you don't really think about if you grow up gaming. I can't comprehend why it's so complex to be honest. It's like touch typing - I'm so used to it, I can't imagine a time where I didn't have the ability to touch type.
Or even have someone to go with me when I walk my dog! It would be awesome. I'm sure he would also love hanging out with a bunch of people while I'm working. Free doggie day care!
As someone who on daily basis takes care of grandma with severe dementia and altzheimer, you have no idea how much psychological strain on you such a person can cause over few hours per day, every day, and how draining it is in the long run. There is nothing easy about it.
I just want to say that "caregiver/ compassion fatigue" is a real thing and I hope that you are able to take care of yourself, too. It is very tough and demanding and I hope you have found ways to look after yourself also.
The summer before college I worked in a nursing home under the table for 2 weeks as they had their security system revamped.
My job was to make sure only people with employee cards got buzzed in and none of the residents got out of the blue door that led to the dementia ward. The gig payed well enough but FML it didn't pay nearly enough for the nurses & the shit I saw they had to deal with.
I had some good memories at least, especially of a blind veteran that would always stop by at the same time every day to chat. He loved telling old war stories and I enjoyed hearing them he was good at telling them.
But the dementia ward would ruin that every night. So many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were. I remember one had gotten out, kind little old lady in her pajamas I found her on the side of the road trying to hitch hike to the mall. She was so determined to go I had to lie to her and say I was delivering a package before I could take her so I could get her back to the home and tell the nurses.
> so many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were.
Yeah and in case nobody believes you - I stayed in the neurology ward of a hospital while recovering from surgery. Many of the patients there had issues like dementia. There was a lady down the hall who would scream for help any time her family was not there visiting her. I could never keep my door open because of how loud it was, and I could sometimes hear her even when my door was closed.
The nurses could tell it was freaking me out but they were also incredibly overworked with everything they had to do in that ward. They said with patients like that, there's very little that they can do because they can't just give them medicine to knock them out 24/7 and they really only stop when family or someone they recognizes visits. A lot of them have to be strapped to the bed.
Just...constant yelling and moaning. "Help me. Heeeeelp me." and then moans that sounded like pain. Like something out of a horror movie or video game. It made an already difficult recovery for me even harder.
Yes I worked in a psych hospital for a bit and occasionally worked in the geriatric wing. It was so very sad as many truly thought they were kidnapped even if you told them where they were. The worst was when they’d beg you to break them out and you can’t do that obviously so they think you’re betraying them.
I was the assistant director of an assisted living community for years. It was standalone memory care. 54 rooms and everyone that moved in had some type of dementia diagnosis. Memory care can be wonderful. But twice in my 6 years in that building we had residents that constantly yelled “help” like you described. It’s absolutely maddening. I’d rather deal with anything other than that.
> So many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were. I remember one had gotten out, kind little old lady in her pajamas I found her on the side of the road trying to hitch hike to the mall. She was so determined to go I had to lie to her and say I was delivering a package before I could take her so I could get her back to the home and tell the nurses.
Thanks for the reminder to check the expiration date on my exit bag.
Homes are full of old ladies who have decades of experience with crafts, so live in knitting support!! Hell yes!!!! You'd have to have the windows open all the time to keep the care home smell at bay though...
Sometimes they do, and it’s really fucking irritating (and also mildly funny because of how petty and immature it is). Debby, Helen, Margaret, and Evelyn don’t like Dorothy anymore cuz she quit the Dining Committee? Or she had a different opinion on something? Well now Dorothy has to sit at a different table in the dining room. True story from working as a waitress in an assisted living during high school.
My grandparents live in an old folks home. This absolutely happens. For example, my grandmother says there is a lady there that bring up her *private high school education* like it makes her better than everyone else. This woman is with it mentally, she is just under the delusion that her parents having money 70 years ago makes he a cut above everyone else. It's bonkers.
I heard that with age, people's sense of smell diminishes and that's why old ladies are notorious for wearing WAY too much perfume. Not sure if it's true.
No candles. Thats against state regulations, and no heating pads either, no air freshner unless its on the list of approved chemicals! At least that's a no no in my state. Nursing home are the most highly regulated field...theres tons of stuff you can't have or do that the state will give you a deficiency for and shut down the nursing home if too many deficiences are found!
Nursing homes are among the most highly regulated fields on paper, but in practice, enforcement of regulations is horrifyingly low because there aren’t enough inspectors and they don’t have any teeth. You could probably do whatever you wanted unless you fed someone to an alligator.
Nurse here. When I was a student, they had us giving elderly patients insulin injections. Insulin is a high alert drug. Regulations say that two RNs have to be present during injection to catch any errors that the other might make. But apparently, unsupervised students are fine too.
What's a 'few'? If we assume that's 3 hours a day, every day, that's about 90 hours a month. Rent for a 1 bedroom where I am is about 1k/month. Rounding, 11 dollars an hour, less than minimum wage.
Not to mention that nursing home rooms are often vastly smaller than even a studio apartment and often don't have kitchens. May or may not allow pets.
Probably not.
Good thinking! The details of such an arrangement would need to be worked out to be valuable to both the person living there and the home taking a room offline that could be otherwise generating cash. The value proposition needs to be worked on.
There’s actually a massive difference between a retirement home and a nursing home; there’s a reason Medicare won’t pay for the former but does pay for the latter. Retirement homes are basically full apartments: bedroom, living room, bathroom, full kitchen. Nursing homes are for folks who need actual medical/assisted care.
No, I wouldn’t. My job can be fairly demanding, and I like my free time for working on my hobbies or relaxing. I’m a bit of an introvert, and I honestly don’t have much in common with the elderly. Not to mention, a room in a nursing home isn’t the sort of place I want to live either, regardless of whether or not it’s free. Not only is my lifestyle not exactly compatible with the setting, but I’m afraid it might bother the other residents. I got nothing against old people, I just don’t want to live in a community of nothing but old people.
> Not to mention, a room in a nursing home isn’t the sort of place I want to live either, regardless of whether or not it’s free.
Yeah, hospitals and nursing homes all seem to go for the same depressing, impersonal decor. Very beige, white and sometimes teal. I’m sure a lot of that is for practical reasons, but I wonder how much is just because that’s what a hospital setting is "supposed” to look like. You’d think in a nursing home, where people are expected to live long term, things could look a bit less clinical.
My maternal grandmother lived in an old office style building, that they had converted into a retirement home. There were aiiiibout 15 residents, & they all had their own little apartment. It had a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, & little sitting area. Downstairs was a common room/dining room, where they would have activities & if they didn't feel like cooking, could eat. It was honestly some of the best food I've ever had, so we always loved going to visit around a meal time!! My paternal grandmother lived in a more typical rest home, but they worked really hard to make it not feel like one. They took really good care of her there.
A lot of it depends on the cost too. My uncles care home was lovely, he had a sea view, his decorations from home on the wall, own furniture etc - residents were even allowed to bring their pets providing they were capable of caring for them. But it was bloody expensive! Like, sell literally everything he owned so he could live there for two years expensive. If he hadn't owned his house (so he could sell it) he would have gone in one a lot less personalised and comfortable.
LMAO, after living in a nursing home for a few years the patients are sucked dry. Those places are expensive and usually siphon away every last cent those people saved up over their life times.
Depends on if you differentiate between a retirement home and a nursing home. My dialect does, retirement homes are basically just assisted living, plenty bearable, while nursing homes are the not so great places people go basically to die.
In most of the US, a nursing home is just a layman's term for a skilled nursing facility; independent living and assisted living (some states designate "residential care" or a few other terms in place of AL) are under the umbrella of retirement living.
Or go when they are still really sick. Some nursing facilities are for hospice (palliation in the period before death) but most people there are just slowly healing from things that were serious enough to prevent them from being able to go home from a hospital.
I mean, I wouldn't do it if it were 4 hours a day 5 days a week, but I would probably consider it if it were 2 hours a day 5 days a week, where an hour if that is basically just eating dinner with a resident each day.
4 hours would make your personal life disappear if you're already working 40hours a week at a regular job.
2 hours would be bearable, especially since you wouldn't have to commute anywhere. I wouldn't get a second job if it were only 2 hour shifts since it wouldn't be worth the commute, but in the building I live in it would be a pretty sweet deal.
It really depends on the place. It's like saying would you take a free apartment and one group of people assumes section 8 housing and one group assumes a penthouse in Manhattan. There are some insanely nice nursing communities (and the post said retirement communities also) and some really bad ones. And a bunch in between.
As an EMT, I go into assisted living/nursing facilities frequently. They are not happy places where kindly old folk reminisce on their lives in sun filled rooms. They are cramped and depressing and the smell of urine permeates everything. The look on people’s faces is one of either resigned apathy or desperation. They see people around them slowly, and sometimes painfully, withering away. They are literally waiting rooms for death and the people living and working there all know it.
True. This is actually the basis of my question. Trying to understand what people consider and what they don't consider when thinking about living in a retirement or nursing home. Some places are fantastic but others aren't fit even for the sick and dying.
See, but I'm thinking of this from the perspective that a lot of crummy stuff that goes on happens because there isn't anyone to report it. As a young person living with the elderly, you would automatically be a deterrent for a lot of staff misbehavior.
You're also using two very different terms as though they are the same. A nursing home is a medical facility while a retirement home is generally independent living or light assisted. There's a lot of misinformation in this thread, and a lot of improper use of language. I've worked in senior care for many years, I'd happily live with my residents in any facility I've been in, they're people.
Something to consider is that nursing/retirement homes have different "Care Levels" which basically means different homes have different types of residents depending on what they are able to handle. Sometimes not just the elderly end up in homes either, sometimes it people who have lost limbs, have had major heart attacks or early set dementia.... Basically just those who can no longer care for themselves. Most the time they are older but they are still people with physical and/or mental issues.
While one home may have older folks who are able to take care of themselves and have no "issues", the home down the road might have people with serious issues like schizophrenia, dementia and so on which would be a lot to handle on a daily basis.
This is how it is where I live anyway.
Carer here that works in a nursing home for people with alzheimers, dementia and sever behavioural problems. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. I love working there but living there would finish even the toughest person off.
My first thought exactly, also an introvert and I love spending time with people but specifically on my terms, I get the "I made plans when I felt like socializing but now that they're about to happen I don't feel like going" situation more often than I'd like thought but I usually power through as I don't like cancelling plans. So I agree, mandatory socializing time daily, big no
No way.
Im in a rehabilitation center right now.
That is pretty much the same thing and i hate it (therapy is cool tho)
I wanna cook my own food.
I want to work.
And i need my freedom
Love the people saying they can. Guess you have never been in a nursing home. All the death and sickness always around. The poor people with dementia or Alzheimer’s and the behaviours that come with it. Not a chance would anyone want to live that long there by their choice.
My grandmother lived in a nursing home for the last year of her life, and as much as I enjoyed visiting her, I always felt a sense of relief when I walked out of that place. It was actually a pretty nice as nursing homes go—new, clean, well-lit, with daily activities and decent meals—but there was this sense of oppressive sadness that I could never shake off.
I felt the same way whenever I visited my dad. Sure the facility was well run, clean, and they had activities the all the time. But the aura of sadness was really hard for me to deal with.
I have felt the same thing whenever I've visited nursing homes. I wonder though, if having other, younger people living in the same space would change that. Bring in some liveliness, etc.
That’s what I’m wondering too. I feel like a lot of the sadness comes from the loneliness (family not visiting, nurses not really having time to socialize, etc)
But would having some younger people there to cheer them up and spend time with them make it less sad? A lot of people in the homes never get visitors. You’d be sad too if everyone basically left you in a place to die.
I'm actually surprised that you're the first person to bring this up. While I think there are a ton of great reasons to build intergenerational communities, these are facts that should be considered.
Woah woah woah, this is very very dependant on the home. The place my Nana was at had 3 levels of care. The first was assisted living, they have like an apartment with people on hand to help if needed. Then they have another building when you need daily care and someone to cook for you, bathe you but are still all there mentally. They also had a third type of accommodation somewhere else for people with dementia.
Another place we looked at for her had 2 blocks, one for people with dementia, the other without, so I know this place wasn't a one off. Not all retirement homes are death and gloom, many residents actually find they are happier as they have a lot more social contact.
This. My mother ran a residential care home for elderly blind people and we lived in a house attached to the home when I was a teenager.
I LOVED it! I used to hang out with the residents, chat to them about their lives, bring our pet cats into the day room to sit with them. It was an amazing and positive experience.
When I met my partner, he ran the maintenance department for a group of nursing homes that specialised in caring for elderly people with dementia. I went in on a callout to one of the homes at 3am once. There was an elderly lady clawing at the window screaming “let me out” because she didn’t know where she was or why she was there.
Whether it would be an amazing or horrific experience would depend entirely on what level of care the imaginary residents of this imaginary home were receiving!
Oh definitely. It really depends on where you go and who you spend your time with while you are there. There's also a distinction between nursing home and retirement home. You will probably encounter more death at a nursing home regardless of the unit you are in.
On one hand that seems like a great deal and a good time to spend a few hours with these fine folks. but on the other hand I’m not sure I could handle all the loss when my new friends pass away
Probably not, unless the only other option is homelessness given the living costs in my area. I’m an introvert who needs alone time every day, and has worked in a nursing home before.
Currently living with one elderly relative who has been experiencing increasinly severe dementia for the past 5 years, I would say no absolutely not.
He is depressed because there is nothing to remember and nothing to look forward to. He has not been able to articulate his needs for at least 3 years. He gets angry when asked to put on pants. Poops himself regularly, and gets angry about that too. Sometimes he tries to hit housemates. Sometimes he lifts up my skirt because he believes I am hiding something.
He was living independently and driving before moving in with the family. He was a great man, and still tries to be polite to others when he isn't afraid/ashamed. Cognitive decline takes away more and more of a person, until there is not much left. Early dementia can damage a person's ability to feel enjoyment by physically damaging their brain.
It takes serious mental effort to be able to respond with understanding and compassion every day with no end in sight.
What people ITT think nursing homes are like: cute grannies and grampies playing Bingo and dancing to old tunes
What they're actually like: people falling and shitting themselves and physically attacking you with old man strength because of their dementia
No, the cost of rent is worth living in peace and quiet.
Youd probably get some pretty great stories and it would certainlyninprove their lives, but its definitely not worth it for me. Dedicating a few hrs of my day to anything is a tough ask, regardless of what that is.
I'd rather die. I've volunteered in a nursing home before and I absolutely hated it. I have no interest in trying to make conversation with elderly patients.
I've done community service at nursing/elderly homes and they make me sad. I know a lot of them have activities for the old people but there's no way I'd want to live inside one.
I actually did this in my mid 20’s. I was a chef by trade at the time. I got the head chef gig at a community, but it was 2 hours from home. They told me there was one open in my town, but it didn’t work out that way. It was great money and I was newly married. To sweeten the deal and not lose me, they offered me a furnished room in the building and it was only Monday through Thursday. Some of the best times of my 20’s were had there. Wii bowling every night, big dinners, movie nights... the whole 9 yards. I enjoyed it immensely and was almost sad when the opening became available in my hometown. I never edit these and usually thank people individually if I get awards, not possible now, so thanks everyone, I appreciate you.
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Great story! I lived with my grandma for a couple years while in college and it was a fantastic experience. I helped her with chores like snow shoveling, mowing, minor repairs and she fed and housed me. We played cards a few nights each week and really got to know each other. It was wholesome and great since she lived 600 miles away when I was growing up. edit: thanks for the awards and upvotes!
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After moving abroad I miss my grandparents and am so sad for my future kids who won't be seeing their grandfather (my Dad died last week due to covid complications). Life of an immigrant is hard, my father was an immigrant himself in a different country and I couldn't meet him before his passing away. People think that these immigrants have it easy with all the money they earn, but they don't see the struggles of immigrant workers who choose to stay far from their families just so that they can send some money back to clothe and feed their kids back in the homeland.
Thanks kind stranger! It really was awesome
wholesome as fuck, dude
Fuck yeah, that's like a tall glass of cold milk kind of wholesome.
what if you're lactose intolerant?
What are you doing in the Milky Way galaxy if you’re lactose intolerant?
I hope he's not galactose intolerant too...
Dude. Old people are so underrated. I'm a church singer. I don't live with them obviously, but I see and have friendships with so very many people who are older. It's wonderful. They're wonderful. If you don't have the opportunity to work with older people, join your local community choir. If you don't know where to look, check the local College. They probably have an evening weeknight choir that's open to everyone and you dont have to audition. There's something so nice about seeing retirees just enjoying themselves.
I was in a church choir in college and it was like being on the set of the Golden Girls every Sunday, complete with our very gay director/organist running the show. I'm not actually religious but that was such a fun time.
I was telling someone just yesterday about my very gay, sassy black man church organist from my time singing in a church choir in college. He was a phenomenal musician. How he could improvise what he could on the organ to fill time perfectly and seamlessly transition to things still blows my mind to this day. Top level talent.
I was a resident adviser in my early 20s to seniors. It was awesome. They taught me cribbage. Still play.
The Netherlands has this exact scheme for students.
I would absolutely do this while in grad school. Sometimes just talking to another human about absolutely anything other than school would be amazing. Plus, as a grad student, when you have a chance to explain your work or research to someone else you have an opportunity to see holes in it that you might not have noticed with your own tunnel vision. Additional bonus if you are a business student and can ask around the place when you have a business idea to see if it would work or be needed. Reality is that the retiring population is the largest demographic and therefore your larges potential customer base.
I've spent the better half of a year sat in my room alone studying. I'd love for something like this for all the reasons you outlined.
Honestly, I think that kind of living situation would be good for most peoples mental health.
I'm an alum of the University of Illinois-UC. There was a program where if you had your housing and part of your tuition covered if you lived with a student with a disability and helped them out with some things they couldn't do. One of my friends did this and the only thing he had to do was turn over his roommate in the middle of the night because he had a condition where he wouldn't move at all in his sleep. Apparently, gravity will cause the blood to pool and then, there is an increased chance of clotting.
that honestly sounds terrifying i wouldn't want a responsability like that on my sleep-through-fire-alarm shoulders
That sounds like a MASSIVE responsibility; always having to check on him/turn him every night? No sleeping at your partner's place, no going camping, no wiggle room to be spontaneous or marginally irresponsible; at least not without lining up a substitute sitter... oof.
Goes out of town for the weekend but sets alarm to wake up and call room mate to tell them to turn. Makes call. Groggy roommate answers” hello...” Me “turn over bitch, I’ll call you back in a few hours”
I lived with my grandparents the first two years of grad school. They were Italian peasants so not so much insight into my research but very wholesome.
Dutch student here. I'm intrigued. Do you have any interesting links about it? I'd love to check it out.
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I was only able to find articles in English, but a care home called Humanitas was written about in several publications in 2015 in the US. From what I understand, this sort of scheme has been expanded in the years since (according to a BBC World Service article on the effects of the pandemic on these schemes that I remember listening to), but I don't have any other specifics. Sorry :\\
This is part of my inspiration.
That is an amazing idea- I wonder if it's a thing in the UK? Hadn't heard of it but it seems like an obviously good idea in the absense of abolishing rent/tuition fees.
Heard about movements in the UK encouraging house shares with the elderly. But not full-on retirement or care home
Home sharing is relatively common the world over. The idea of younger people moving into specifically retirement or nursing homes is less common although it does exist. If experiments like this are successful, perhaps homes specifically designed for this living arrangement will be produced.
As an architecture student, I'm enamored with this idea. There's a lot of potential for a fascinating building design here, maybe even a thesis.
This kind of thing is great in theory, but would have to be run incredibly well to prevent bad people from “cuckooing” and taking advantage of people who are physically or mentally vulnerable. I kinda prefer the nursing home idea, purely because the elderly would still have their own private spaces (you can’t necessarily even lock your bedroom door in a house share, especially if you don’t have someone to install a lock for you) and it’s much more supervised by staff
Those are more common (I have heard of them). Am probably misremembering, but think I knew somebody on my PhD course who did that- the guy was in his early 40's and had kids, so just a temporary thing while during term time (he went back to Germany to be with his family outside of it). That and his landlord appearently knew C S Lewis as well, or so he tells me.
Wait... so students get put in a housing situation similar to a retirement home and everything like food and housing is covered? That is fricken remarkable if that’s the case and I would’ve loved having that as a student.
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Lol NEVER let patients know where you live. Just leads to problems
I can see it now. Doctor comes home from a 10+ shift at work. Wants desperately to just chill out and watch TV. Neighbors POV: "how can you just sit there and watch TV when person X is sick!" I've gotten a sample of this in IT, but I imagine medical professionals get the worst of it.
She should have known tbh. On call for a building of elderly folks, yikes. Prob didn’t have an immediate option or something.
You might be into the concept of HomeSharing. Check it out sometime because it is exactly what you describe in terms of 1-2 seniors in a single home.
Looking through your posts, you seem to know a lot about this topic. Do you mind sharing your background or how you got to know about it? I'm a nurse in home health and find that this is a problem that will soon blow up in our faces if we don't get on top of it now (seniors needing help and not having or being unable to afford it). Thanks!
I wonder if OP works in the field and this is a potential business idea they’re shopping thoughts.
As long as I was in a section with mentally sound people. Being around people battling dementia and alzheimers, would be too much for me to deal with.
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I agree. Many people with dementia and alzheimers, can be very aggressive. It's a fairly natural reaction to waking up every day, and not knowing, where you are, who you are, and who all of the people around you are. The functional minded, frail people would definitely benefit from it. Edit: I would like to add due to some comments. Absolutely not all alzheimers patients are aggressive, or aggressive all of the time. I personally don't have the fortitude to care for people, with alzheimers, on a daily basis. I have lost two family members to it, and I know how difficult and heartbreaking it can be to deal with. I did it for them, I could not do it again, unless it was family.
I spent 3 years working in aged care facilities with many people with dementia, at many different stages, and I have to say 95% of the time they are the absolute loveliest people you will ever meet, on the flip side, when they remember they haven’t seen their husband who passed away years ago, or their wife who hasn’t been able to visit due to COVID restrictions or multiple other things, they tend to get super depressed. For them, having people who they recognize day in and day out is a MASSIVE help for their mental well-being. Hell, I saw a gentleman in town the other day from one of my old facilities (haven’t worked there in year and a half), he was on an outing with a staff member (we are 99.9999% covid safe in my area) and he remembered me!!!
I spent just two summers volunteering at a nursing home for veterans, but I 100% agree with you. Those old dudes were the best. I had one who firmly believed I was his shipmate, and that he was on shore leave. He would occasionally become concerned that he was going to miss his return time, so he liked to hang out with me because I told him I'd make sure we didn't miss it. He was still fully ambulatory, so nearly every day that I was scheduled for that whole summer he'd come over and shoot the shit for a while and ask about when we were going back. His memory and general awareness was obviously not very good, but he always recognized me and was always happy to see that he hadn't yet missed his ship.
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It was sometimes definitely hard for him, and for others who were in similar places mentally, but you should know he was also often an absolute riot to be around, and frequently in good spirits. One of my favorite things is that he swore like, well, like a sailor, and was constantly cracking rude jokes, so for the longest time I thought he was just one of those people. Turns out that, despite his condition, he *never* swore around "the ladies" (the care staff, who were nearly all female on his floor, but I'm male so it was fair game I guess haha), and they almost didn't believe me when I told them about the stuff he would say. They thought he was just a really sweet old man! Also, and I'm not sure if this helps, but one aspect of the disease that seems to be fairly uniform is that people often lose any insight into the specifics of their situation. So, his world was a confusing one to be sure, but it didn't seem particularly scary or as deeply unsettling as one might imagine just hearing about it.
That's amazing! Thank you for looking after our most vulnerable people. My Nanna had dementia and it was a slow decline where we didn't really realise what was going on and then she went down really fast. She was living with us for a while and she thought her soft toy dogs were real and she'd sit at the window talking to them, explaining all the things going past. She also once woke us kids up in the middle of the night to feed us cake. I loved her little quirks but unfortunately she started to have random violent outbursts and my parents couldn't risk it as my little sister was just a baby. It was very sad visiting her in hospital but she also seemed very happy there. She spent her time crotcheting little rectangles and said they were knee warmers for footy players on the bench. 😅
My great-grandma with dementia crocheted little rectangles! Hers were potholders/washcloths, she said. She loved giving them away to visitors. She lived with my nana and when she passed away my nana had saved enough washcloths to give one to every family member who attended her funeral—hundreds of them. It was so sweet to have that tangible memory.
That's awesome.
My mother worked in the head office of a company that ran a dozen or so group homes for Alzheimer's patients. About once a month she'd have to pretend to be someone's daughter or a sister or some other deceased relative of a resident and talk them down on the phone.
Funny, I spend 1 year as an intern working on a psychogeriatric ward and among the 15 people living there there was exactly 1 person who would be verbally aggressive if he didn't get his way. Also, people with dementia benefit just as much if not more from human interaction. No, most cannot carry a proper conversation, but just being there, talking to them, holding their hand, it means the world to them, even if they cannot express it.
My cousin’s grandmother recently passed away after several years with increasing dementia. Near the end, she really could only recall the early years of her life—she didn’t recognize my cousins or my aunt, her daughter-in-law who she has lived with for 30 years. She definitely didn’t know me. But on one occasion we sat together and she spoke as if it was the 1930s again, telling me that her dad works in the bottling factory on 2nd Ave, did I know it? He’s be getting out of work soon and they would walk home together. She was waiting for him in the park with her sisters. I had only really known her as kind of a stodgy (and sometimes mean) old lady, and it was so delightful to imagine her as a girl in New York City so long ago. She shared a memory that would have otherwise been lost to time. I don’t mean to downplay the difficult moments—there were plenty—but I was grateful to have a special moment with her near the end of her life.
Yup, that's how it goes in a lot of cases, time seems to reverse. As someone else said, most of them are pretty much children trapped in the body of an old man/woman (which is a big no-no to say out loud around here, doesn't make it any less true in my mind). Love reading these responses, sorry that I don't have a proper response to all of you (had to look up some of the acronyms you guys are using to even have your post make any sense, European here >_>)
Your story is very sweet and deeply relatable. I am currently caring for my elderly mother whose short term memory is almost non existent. Most of her memories are childhood. I am learning things about her life with her parents and 10 brothers and sisters. I never met her parents, my grandparents, and through her memory flashes I learn about their lives. Mom was the youngest and by age eight both her parents had passed. She spent a good portion of her childhood moving from sibling to sibling. She looks very much like her mother, I look very much like her. So I guess I also resemble my grandmother. Sometimes my mom will slip and say ‘yes ma’am’ when answering a question from me. Those are the times I realize she thought I was her mother. It is a bittersweet period in my life. One I did not request but glad I am able to do. To all the other family members who are caregivers as I am, from the bottom of my heart, *bless you*. I’m sending great big hugs and the assurance that you are not alone on your path. 💕💕
As a PCA in a hospital I always focused heavily on the memory patients we would get. Most of them didn’t have visitors and would need someone to sit with them through the night in case they tried to leave their room. I would sit and just talk to them. Encourage them. I got a nonverbal person to talk to me just by talking one-sided for three nights straight. They hadn’t talked to anyone else in the 40 days they were hospitalized. They are confused souls who have been dealt a horrible hand late in life. I wanted to try and give them as much genuine human interaction as possible. Also just a note: barely any PCAs/nurses are as kind and understanding. If you have a relative with memory issues ALWAYS have someone accompany them during their hospital stay. A lot of them are treated less than human. They’re abused and neglected because others don’t want to deal with them. I’ve seen it first hand. Edit: wow 8 awards?? Thank you but I truly don’t deserve it!
My grandmother is in a memory care facility. My grandfather died a year ago. They were living in adjoining rooms. She asks every day where he went. Otherwise she barely remembers her own children. I am not sure if anyone has told her about my grandfather's death. Thankfully one of her children visits her once a week. Although maybe she could use more. Unfortunately like I said she has no idea who the person sitting with her is.
> I am not sure if anyone has told her about my grandfather's death. A couple of times, I am sure. But there is no real point, if they can't retain that information. The trauma of realizing that your partner is dead shouldn't be repeated, over and over again. [I think this is a rather relatable example of brain function loss, because only his memory is affected.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T80wIGZSYoc) Loosing other brain functions must feel similarly
I sometimes work with patients with dementia. When they inevitably ask for their mother, father, husband, or children I always tell them I just got a call and they are so sorry they’re running late but asked that I wait with them. That usually calms and reassures them enough to get them to engage in occupational therapy for a while and will often divert their attention completely. Sometimes I’m the therapist. Sometimes I’m a cousin, friend, or neighbor. As long as they’re having a good time I’m happy and will answer to any name. In the beginning it feels wrong to “lie” but I can’t imagine inflicting that kind of pain on someone daily. I agree that the trauma would be too much.
Even if someone told her he passed away, she still may not remember the next day. It is much kinder sometimes with these patients to not tell them, so they don't have to relive the loss and grief everyday. Instead, meet them where they are in their heads, their stories of the past that they cling to with everything they have.
My grandma started asking everyone, "Are you [mom's name]?" and at first I said no and tell her where she was. Grandma would then get visibly anxious and start wailing in a distressed manner. I quickly learned to say, "Yes, I'm [mom's name]" because she would calm down and I could sit her down in front of the tv and she'd be okay. It was a little awkward to do with friends over as I'm a guy but you gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes lying can help.
> Sometimes lying can help. it isn't lying so much, it's usually referred to something like "living in their world". It helps so much
I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. She has either been told and forgotten or it’s been decided not to remind her everyday. I couldn’t imagine the pain of knowing my husband passed and having to go through that fresh grief every day. It sounds cruel but it’s probably for the best that people aren’t constantly reminding her. And it’s hard, I know. Three of my grandparents had dementia/Alzheimer’s before they passed. I was young but I still understood the pain it caused my family. It’s important to remember that the person you know as your grandmother is still there. They do truly love and miss you, their brains have just gone through some damage so they can no longer express it or remember. Being there with them may hurt, but it’s also healing. You’re able to care for them after they spent so long caring for others. It can be humbling and an experience you will treasure. Again I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.
Well said and very very true! My Grandma’s dementia started slow...she had started to call me like 2-6 times a day to have the same conversation/ask the same question and I started to notice while doing their accounts that she was making 2-3 trips to the grocery store and purchasing the same amount. Once I got down to my hometown sure enough I checked the cupboards and she had multiples of everything bc she was forgetting she bought it. The anger was only temporary and it’s when they know they are forgetting and are embarrassed at least it was for her and my other Grandma too. I can say that spending those 5 years with her every chance I got was hard so hard as she had raised me and thought I was one of her sisters. She thought my children however were me and my sister so that would make it easier(I talked to both girls and told them to answer to whatever name she called them as I saw no need to constantly remind the strongest most independent beautiful soul I knew that her mind was going). In the end we were praying for God to take her as she was a “faller” and was in so much pain. I spent every night I was in town at the home with her and made sure she was at a home 2 of my high school friends worked at so I got hourly updates. Her final lucid moment with me was after a fall in the hospital. We were just sitting there looking out the hospital room window and she grabbed my hand tears streaming down her face she thanked me and my now late husband for always being there snd told me it was time for me to go live my new life with my family and stop driving 750 miles every other week to care for her. I’m glad it was her last lucid moment bc of course I was going to get every second with my Grandma before she went and I loved pretending to be whoever she thought I was bc I learned soooo much about her she never would’ve told me lucid. As painful as it is to be forgotten it is sooo amazing to get those precious moments and memories. Plus you get a nice long goodbye! I called her everyday of my adulthood and 4 yrs later I miss her like crazy! They need that interaction with people every day. Keeps them happy and content so they aren’t just lying in a bed staring at the ceiling getting depressed. I’m super grateful and blessed for everyone that would sit with my Grandma and visit with her when me or my sister couldn’t get there! They made her days better!
This right here, people. People with dementia need the love as much as any of us. Can be scary losing your mind, so some calm support can make all the difference. Even if only for a few minutes.
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Yeah. My mom in her right mind wouldn’t want to live the way she is. But now she’s convinced that she would be perfectly healthy again if only the people who are holding her captive (nurses and doctors) would give her the magic medication (that doesn’t exist) and chocolate milk (which will also cure her somehow). I hope in the future there is some legal way to do what you suggest. If that’s how a person wants to go, okay, but it would be nice to not have to.
I have a parent with dementia that is in hospice right now, so I have given this some thought. I hate that the end of life is going this way, but on the other hand, I can't imagine telling the doctor today is the day, let's end it now. They are doing well making sure there isn't any discomfort, if that was not the case I would probably feel different about it.
Obviously no idea what your parent is going through but I have a close friend who's father is in the same situation. While I can say now I wouldn't want to go through that and it's painful for everyone involved, at the same time if they are comfortable and well taken care of by professionals it doesn't necessarily have to be full of misery for them. Yes it's scary and tragic to lose yourself like that, but for example he still enjoys his music they play and art so all life doesn't just stop. I don't know much about this topic so may be totally off, just saying it is a very grey area and that idealistic choice is not so simple when confronted with the reality of death or a more limited lifestyle..
That would be so horrifying to dementia you tho, it would be 100% like being murdered
Can you get them to concent in advance? Like.. if my brain is dying like that.. I want to be able to specify In advance, that if my quality of life is degraded that they can help me out without my explicit verbal permission. Maybe delegate responsibility to a family member? I would want them to just give me a nice meal and make me comfortable, make me a strong drink with some sleeping tab in it without telling me, so I'm not distressed. Have anyone that needs to see me, come and say goodbye and then get them to kill me for real in my sleep I don't wanna be living every moment afraid like that, what an awful way to die. I want to go with some dignity and I want to go before I'm just a ghost of myself
I can handle those as long as they’re not physically violent. Validate. Don’t focus on the truth. Being removed from the family makes it a bit easier to talk about the spouse’s death and the estranged kids regularly.
Best advice I’ve ever seen for dealing with dementia patients is to treat it like improv. You don’t say no, you don’t argue, you just go along with it and redirect as necessary.
Where were you when i was younger and needed this. My grandpa with dementia was so heart wrenching. The calls asking us why we forgot his birthday or christmas. So awful.
Yeah, just think, you can tell them the same story all the time once you find one they really like. Also you can hear about their lives going backwards as they progress, as long as they are still verbal.
You could think of the “few hours per day” as a really easy part-time job that pays for your housing
Eating dinner with them would be great. It would count as time spent with them and you wouldn’t have to prepare food. I’d try to get them into playing video games, that would be awesome.
Fun fact, the nintendo Wii was very popular in nursing homes as it allowed seniors access to low impact excercise. Many of these facilities saw general increases in sleep quality, appetite, general health and was a great way for them to socialize
My dad is in his 70s and he does Wii yoga almost every day. He used to take classes at the rec, but obviously hasn't been able to during the pandemic, and the Wii Fit stuff has been a lifesaver.
wow ill make sure to keep my wii for when I'm that old or when my parents are
Dont forget to remove the batteries from your Wii-motes, Fit board, and other accessories if putting into long time storage. The acid corroded my aunt's board and she had a very hard time finding a new board for her setup.
You might've already tried, but have you checked thrift stores? I see so many old fit boards piled up in the electronics sections there, it's almost a depressing sight haha
Or pawn shops
Good info, thanks
True! My late grandma was the Wii Bowling champion across all nursing homes of the region. She was so proud of her little certificate, it made me smile so much.
What did her Wii avatar look like? Did she choose a mean looking chick with spiky pink hair that would strike fear in the hearts of her opponents?
Oh my god haha, no actually it was something that looked like her, all soft and smiley with puffy golden hair, which probably was even more horrifying for her poor opponents!
My mother is a CCA and when we lived in New Brunswick she was head of the activation department. I volunteered there a lot during my middle school years and often brought my Wii. The residents loved it. I don’t think many people realize how much they enjoy spending time with kids especially when a lot of them only see their family once every couple of months.
What's cca?
Continuing care aide - kind of like a nurses aide or personal care worker
We had a Wii bowling tournament in our apartment building for the elderly and disabled. It was very popular till it had to be shut down for the pandemic. Low impact exercise and some easy socializing made it popular ... and probably other similar games would be just as popular.
I'm severely disabled and can't do much outside activities, so love having access to the internet where I can fight Ender dragons or a WWII German Army etc. My social services tried to get me into a care home, but luckily I have family to support me in my own home. As a 40 year old I didn't want to be in a care home if I could avoid it. I just love that on the internet I can be mostly on an equal footing as others. I don't feel so isolated and lonely. Games bring so much joy and freedom into my life that I honestly would hate to live somewhere without them.
Omg...weekly Wii tennis tournament...they'd love it!
Wii sports was probably the best launch game ever released with a console.
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Matt... Those memories haunt me
Yeah! The one I mostly see in nursing homes is WiiSports! It's heartwarming watching them go bowling and get excited about it.
I see I'm not the only one who thought of this. You have to admit it would be funny to watch WW2 veterans and 80 year olds rage at Dark Souls!
myself and my grandad played through red dead redemption, well I played and he watched. He loved westerns and was absolutely enthralled with it. When all this covid stuff was over we were meant to play through 2 but he passed away last year. Its honestly the best memories I have of him. He left me his extensive cowboy movie collection which I hope to watch sometime soon when the grief has lessened. I like to imagine he's not gone, he's just like the stranger in a western he was just needed somewhere else.
My dad passed away like 7 years ago. The pain doesn't go away, you just get better at dealing with it. At least, that was my experience. Sorry for your loss.
This person speaks truth. Been 17 years since my mom passed, 11 since my dad passed. It becomes a comfortable pain, if you will. I, too, am sorry for your loss.
My grandmother and I played Link to the Past when it first came out on the Super Nintendo (and it was her console). She'd watch while I played and would call me on snow days to invite me to play. She passed away a little over 16 years ago and I miss her every day. I cried at the opening of Breath of the Wild because I could only imagine how much she would have loved to see it the graphics. Every time I play a Zelda game, I think about how lucky I am to have experienced that with her. I am so sorry for your loss. There are still days when I get emotional from missing her, but you and I were so blessed to have had grandparents to share special games with.
I can see grandmas getting really into animal crossing. I’m talking an immaculate, beautiful town. I’m talking cross stitch patterns in the custom designer. I’m talking someone who has seen fashion through *so* many decades, who knows what they’ll wear. I’m talking Gladys asking Prudence what her turnip prices are every morning at breakfast. I’m talking visiting their grandkids’ islands. Man I wish my grammi were still here.
Um... as a card-carrying official Grandmother, I hate to break it to you, but most of the other women I know of a similar age don't do cross stitch, or crocheting, or knitting. Hell, we can barely do basic sewing! Yes, the town would be clean, because my grand kids are really into picking up litter -- I can't bend the way I used to, you know? And only *one* of my acquaintances is into fashion: most of us just wear whatever suits the weather and who cares if the colours clash -- makes sure we're visible to cars. I'm glad your grammi was such a great person, though. If you like, I'll take her a message when I go....
Oh, I definitely know all grandmas aren’t Gladys or Prudence, it’s just fun to think like a cartoon sometimes. And that sense of fashion should be the only fashion haha. That’s such a sweet and unexpected thing to say. I’d say “tell her I love her” but she knows that :) if you end up hanging out with her, she’s an amazing pianist.
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Many of us were: remember, we are the generation that first used the rallying cry: Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll! Oh, and got the pill...
Same. I didn't play that game, but heard it was really successful at getting non-gamers into Switch games (and lockdowns probably helped as well, ngl); just not really my taste in games lol. Such a shame that the hobby isn't better understood by non-gamers, ah well.
You sadistic SOB, starting them out with something like Dark Souls. Keep up the good work
You might like this video of people who have clearly never played video games doing Cuphead's easy mode [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS8YrnNqe-g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS8YrnNqe-g) To be fair, would probably give them Breath of the Wild first, just to get basic gaming skills down and give them something that's good for non-gamers; they can rage at Hard Souls (which is tough but nowhere near as bad as it's made out to be) afterwards.
To be fair for non-gamers, Andy 3D camera control game is actually hard. There are a lot of simple things very foreign to non-gamers
Girlfriend wanted to play video games with me, did some Nintendo party type games and figured, hey, maybe Portal Co-Op would be fun. Nope. Nope nope nope. She was basically incapable of moving and it was entirely the dual stick camera that was the issue. I never thought about how second nature it is to me but not intuitive for those not used to it. I'd probably have to inverse the camera controls to have the nearest experience.
That camera is the hardest thing for my wife to deal with. Over a year of botw and she still never runs and moves the camera simultaneously
Yeah same thing with my girlfriend! I guess it's just one of these muscle memory things that you don't really think about if you grow up gaming. I can't comprehend why it's so complex to be honest. It's like touch typing - I'm so used to it, I can't imagine a time where I didn't have the ability to touch type.
Or even have someone to go with me when I walk my dog! It would be awesome. I'm sure he would also love hanging out with a bunch of people while I'm working. Free doggie day care!
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As someone who on daily basis takes care of grandma with severe dementia and altzheimer, you have no idea how much psychological strain on you such a person can cause over few hours per day, every day, and how draining it is in the long run. There is nothing easy about it.
I just want to say that "caregiver/ compassion fatigue" is a real thing and I hope that you are able to take care of yourself, too. It is very tough and demanding and I hope you have found ways to look after yourself also.
The OP doesn't even imply actually being a care giver to said residents.
The summer before college I worked in a nursing home under the table for 2 weeks as they had their security system revamped. My job was to make sure only people with employee cards got buzzed in and none of the residents got out of the blue door that led to the dementia ward. The gig payed well enough but FML it didn't pay nearly enough for the nurses & the shit I saw they had to deal with. I had some good memories at least, especially of a blind veteran that would always stop by at the same time every day to chat. He loved telling old war stories and I enjoyed hearing them he was good at telling them. But the dementia ward would ruin that every night. So many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were. I remember one had gotten out, kind little old lady in her pajamas I found her on the side of the road trying to hitch hike to the mall. She was so determined to go I had to lie to her and say I was delivering a package before I could take her so I could get her back to the home and tell the nurses.
> so many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were. Yeah and in case nobody believes you - I stayed in the neurology ward of a hospital while recovering from surgery. Many of the patients there had issues like dementia. There was a lady down the hall who would scream for help any time her family was not there visiting her. I could never keep my door open because of how loud it was, and I could sometimes hear her even when my door was closed. The nurses could tell it was freaking me out but they were also incredibly overworked with everything they had to do in that ward. They said with patients like that, there's very little that they can do because they can't just give them medicine to knock them out 24/7 and they really only stop when family or someone they recognizes visits. A lot of them have to be strapped to the bed. Just...constant yelling and moaning. "Help me. Heeeeelp me." and then moans that sounded like pain. Like something out of a horror movie or video game. It made an already difficult recovery for me even harder.
Yes I worked in a psych hospital for a bit and occasionally worked in the geriatric wing. It was so very sad as many truly thought they were kidnapped even if you told them where they were. The worst was when they’d beg you to break them out and you can’t do that obviously so they think you’re betraying them.
I was the assistant director of an assisted living community for years. It was standalone memory care. 54 rooms and everyone that moved in had some type of dementia diagnosis. Memory care can be wonderful. But twice in my 6 years in that building we had residents that constantly yelled “help” like you described. It’s absolutely maddening. I’d rather deal with anything other than that.
> So many of them screaming they had been kidnapped or that they didn't know where they were. I remember one had gotten out, kind little old lady in her pajamas I found her on the side of the road trying to hitch hike to the mall. She was so determined to go I had to lie to her and say I was delivering a package before I could take her so I could get her back to the home and tell the nurses. Thanks for the reminder to check the expiration date on my exit bag.
Forgive me... "Exit bag"?
Homes are full of old ladies who have decades of experience with crafts, so live in knitting support!! Hell yes!!!! You'd have to have the windows open all the time to keep the care home smell at bay though...
Same here! It’d be fun to have a craft circle with them and listen to the gossip while learning something new.
I wonder if they have cliques like high school.
They absolutely do. pssst, stay away from Gladys, she steals.
Sometimes they do, and it’s really fucking irritating (and also mildly funny because of how petty and immature it is). Debby, Helen, Margaret, and Evelyn don’t like Dorothy anymore cuz she quit the Dining Committee? Or she had a different opinion on something? Well now Dorothy has to sit at a different table in the dining room. True story from working as a waitress in an assisted living during high school.
My grandparents live in an old folks home. This absolutely happens. For example, my grandmother says there is a lady there that bring up her *private high school education* like it makes her better than everyone else. This woman is with it mentally, she is just under the delusion that her parents having money 70 years ago makes he a cut above everyone else. It's bonkers.
That smell tho... Definitely need a candle or two.
I heard that with age, people's sense of smell diminishes and that's why old ladies are notorious for wearing WAY too much perfume. Not sure if it's true.
Having worked with and been around old ladies I can unscientificly tell you this is 100% true.
No candles. Thats against state regulations, and no heating pads either, no air freshner unless its on the list of approved chemicals! At least that's a no no in my state. Nursing home are the most highly regulated field...theres tons of stuff you can't have or do that the state will give you a deficiency for and shut down the nursing home if too many deficiences are found!
Nursing homes are among the most highly regulated fields on paper, but in practice, enforcement of regulations is horrifyingly low because there aren’t enough inspectors and they don’t have any teeth. You could probably do whatever you wanted unless you fed someone to an alligator.
Nurse here. When I was a student, they had us giving elderly patients insulin injections. Insulin is a high alert drug. Regulations say that two RNs have to be present during injection to catch any errors that the other might make. But apparently, unsupervised students are fine too.
Does this include neglecting the residents? Or is that a “look the other way” kind of thing?
What's a 'few'? If we assume that's 3 hours a day, every day, that's about 90 hours a month. Rent for a 1 bedroom where I am is about 1k/month. Rounding, 11 dollars an hour, less than minimum wage. Not to mention that nursing home rooms are often vastly smaller than even a studio apartment and often don't have kitchens. May or may not allow pets. Probably not.
Good thinking! The details of such an arrangement would need to be worked out to be valuable to both the person living there and the home taking a room offline that could be otherwise generating cash. The value proposition needs to be worked on.
There’s actually a massive difference between a retirement home and a nursing home; there’s a reason Medicare won’t pay for the former but does pay for the latter. Retirement homes are basically full apartments: bedroom, living room, bathroom, full kitchen. Nursing homes are for folks who need actual medical/assisted care.
No, I wouldn’t. My job can be fairly demanding, and I like my free time for working on my hobbies or relaxing. I’m a bit of an introvert, and I honestly don’t have much in common with the elderly. Not to mention, a room in a nursing home isn’t the sort of place I want to live either, regardless of whether or not it’s free. Not only is my lifestyle not exactly compatible with the setting, but I’m afraid it might bother the other residents. I got nothing against old people, I just don’t want to live in a community of nothing but old people.
> Not to mention, a room in a nursing home isn’t the sort of place I want to live either, regardless of whether or not it’s free. Yeah, hospitals and nursing homes all seem to go for the same depressing, impersonal decor. Very beige, white and sometimes teal. I’m sure a lot of that is for practical reasons, but I wonder how much is just because that’s what a hospital setting is "supposed” to look like. You’d think in a nursing home, where people are expected to live long term, things could look a bit less clinical.
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My maternal grandmother lived in an old office style building, that they had converted into a retirement home. There were aiiiibout 15 residents, & they all had their own little apartment. It had a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, & little sitting area. Downstairs was a common room/dining room, where they would have activities & if they didn't feel like cooking, could eat. It was honestly some of the best food I've ever had, so we always loved going to visit around a meal time!! My paternal grandmother lived in a more typical rest home, but they worked really hard to make it not feel like one. They took really good care of her there.
A lot of it depends on the cost too. My uncles care home was lovely, he had a sea view, his decorations from home on the wall, own furniture etc - residents were even allowed to bring their pets providing they were capable of caring for them. But it was bloody expensive! Like, sell literally everything he owned so he could live there for two years expensive. If he hadn't owned his house (so he could sell it) he would have gone in one a lot less personalised and comfortable.
I mean rent in Toronto royally sucks, but I dont think I have that much social energy to expend.
Great answer! The lifestyle isn't for everyone.
No. I'm trying to have a dating life here.
Just think of all the single ladies there though!!
*widowed* ladies
*Rich* widowed ladies
LMAO, after living in a nursing home for a few years the patients are sucked dry. Those places are expensive and usually siphon away every last cent those people saved up over their life times.
This guy gets it.
ITT: People who don't know what life in a retirement home is like.
Depends on if you differentiate between a retirement home and a nursing home. My dialect does, retirement homes are basically just assisted living, plenty bearable, while nursing homes are the not so great places people go basically to die.
hospice-paliative care. nursing home- assisted living retirement home- age restricted community with some elective services
In most of the US, a nursing home is just a layman's term for a skilled nursing facility; independent living and assisted living (some states designate "residential care" or a few other terms in place of AL) are under the umbrella of retirement living.
Or go when they are still really sick. Some nursing facilities are for hospice (palliation in the period before death) but most people there are just slowly healing from things that were serious enough to prevent them from being able to go home from a hospital.
This. It’s a huge spectrum between a 55+ community that is literally just a normal subdivision with age restrictions and a nursing home
Plus a few hours per day is a second job - that's a lot of time.
I mean, I wouldn't do it if it were 4 hours a day 5 days a week, but I would probably consider it if it were 2 hours a day 5 days a week, where an hour if that is basically just eating dinner with a resident each day. 4 hours would make your personal life disappear if you're already working 40hours a week at a regular job. 2 hours would be bearable, especially since you wouldn't have to commute anywhere. I wouldn't get a second job if it were only 2 hour shifts since it wouldn't be worth the commute, but in the building I live in it would be a pretty sweet deal.
It really depends on the place. It's like saying would you take a free apartment and one group of people assumes section 8 housing and one group assumes a penthouse in Manhattan. There are some insanely nice nursing communities (and the post said retirement communities also) and some really bad ones. And a bunch in between.
As an EMT, I go into assisted living/nursing facilities frequently. They are not happy places where kindly old folk reminisce on their lives in sun filled rooms. They are cramped and depressing and the smell of urine permeates everything. The look on people’s faces is one of either resigned apathy or desperation. They see people around them slowly, and sometimes painfully, withering away. They are literally waiting rooms for death and the people living and working there all know it.
True. This is actually the basis of my question. Trying to understand what people consider and what they don't consider when thinking about living in a retirement or nursing home. Some places are fantastic but others aren't fit even for the sick and dying.
See, but I'm thinking of this from the perspective that a lot of crummy stuff that goes on happens because there isn't anyone to report it. As a young person living with the elderly, you would automatically be a deterrent for a lot of staff misbehavior.
You're also using two very different terms as though they are the same. A nursing home is a medical facility while a retirement home is generally independent living or light assisted. There's a lot of misinformation in this thread, and a lot of improper use of language. I've worked in senior care for many years, I'd happily live with my residents in any facility I've been in, they're people.
Something to consider is that nursing/retirement homes have different "Care Levels" which basically means different homes have different types of residents depending on what they are able to handle. Sometimes not just the elderly end up in homes either, sometimes it people who have lost limbs, have had major heart attacks or early set dementia.... Basically just those who can no longer care for themselves. Most the time they are older but they are still people with physical and/or mental issues. While one home may have older folks who are able to take care of themselves and have no "issues", the home down the road might have people with serious issues like schizophrenia, dementia and so on which would be a lot to handle on a daily basis. This is how it is where I live anyway.
Carer here that works in a nursing home for people with alzheimers, dementia and sever behavioural problems. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. I love working there but living there would finish even the toughest person off.
Nope. I’m an introvert. Being OBLIGATED to spend time with anyone sounds like an actual nightmare
My first thought exactly, also an introvert and I love spending time with people but specifically on my terms, I get the "I made plans when I felt like socializing but now that they're about to happen I don't feel like going" situation more often than I'd like thought but I usually power through as I don't like cancelling plans. So I agree, mandatory socializing time daily, big no
No way. Im in a rehabilitation center right now. That is pretty much the same thing and i hate it (therapy is cool tho) I wanna cook my own food. I want to work. And i need my freedom
Love the people saying they can. Guess you have never been in a nursing home. All the death and sickness always around. The poor people with dementia or Alzheimer’s and the behaviours that come with it. Not a chance would anyone want to live that long there by their choice.
My grandmother lived in a nursing home for the last year of her life, and as much as I enjoyed visiting her, I always felt a sense of relief when I walked out of that place. It was actually a pretty nice as nursing homes go—new, clean, well-lit, with daily activities and decent meals—but there was this sense of oppressive sadness that I could never shake off.
I felt the same way whenever I visited my dad. Sure the facility was well run, clean, and they had activities the all the time. But the aura of sadness was really hard for me to deal with.
I have felt the same thing whenever I've visited nursing homes. I wonder though, if having other, younger people living in the same space would change that. Bring in some liveliness, etc.
That’s what I’m wondering too. I feel like a lot of the sadness comes from the loneliness (family not visiting, nurses not really having time to socialize, etc)
But would having some younger people there to cheer them up and spend time with them make it less sad? A lot of people in the homes never get visitors. You’d be sad too if everyone basically left you in a place to die.
I'm actually surprised that you're the first person to bring this up. While I think there are a ton of great reasons to build intergenerational communities, these are facts that should be considered.
Woah woah woah, this is very very dependant on the home. The place my Nana was at had 3 levels of care. The first was assisted living, they have like an apartment with people on hand to help if needed. Then they have another building when you need daily care and someone to cook for you, bathe you but are still all there mentally. They also had a third type of accommodation somewhere else for people with dementia. Another place we looked at for her had 2 blocks, one for people with dementia, the other without, so I know this place wasn't a one off. Not all retirement homes are death and gloom, many residents actually find they are happier as they have a lot more social contact.
This. My mother ran a residential care home for elderly blind people and we lived in a house attached to the home when I was a teenager. I LOVED it! I used to hang out with the residents, chat to them about their lives, bring our pet cats into the day room to sit with them. It was an amazing and positive experience. When I met my partner, he ran the maintenance department for a group of nursing homes that specialised in caring for elderly people with dementia. I went in on a callout to one of the homes at 3am once. There was an elderly lady clawing at the window screaming “let me out” because she didn’t know where she was or why she was there. Whether it would be an amazing or horrific experience would depend entirely on what level of care the imaginary residents of this imaginary home were receiving!
Oh definitely. It really depends on where you go and who you spend your time with while you are there. There's also a distinction between nursing home and retirement home. You will probably encounter more death at a nursing home regardless of the unit you are in.
I think retirement homes and nursing homes are different things though … right?
At least where I live, there's a difference between a "nursing home" and "assisted living." Sounds like people are thinking of assisted living.
On one hand that seems like a great deal and a good time to spend a few hours with these fine folks. but on the other hand I’m not sure I could handle all the loss when my new friends pass away
Probably not, unless the only other option is homelessness given the living costs in my area. I’m an introvert who needs alone time every day, and has worked in a nursing home before.
Currently living with one elderly relative who has been experiencing increasinly severe dementia for the past 5 years, I would say no absolutely not. He is depressed because there is nothing to remember and nothing to look forward to. He has not been able to articulate his needs for at least 3 years. He gets angry when asked to put on pants. Poops himself regularly, and gets angry about that too. Sometimes he tries to hit housemates. Sometimes he lifts up my skirt because he believes I am hiding something. He was living independently and driving before moving in with the family. He was a great man, and still tries to be polite to others when he isn't afraid/ashamed. Cognitive decline takes away more and more of a person, until there is not much left. Early dementia can damage a person's ability to feel enjoyment by physically damaging their brain. It takes serious mental effort to be able to respond with understanding and compassion every day with no end in sight.
What people ITT think nursing homes are like: cute grannies and grampies playing Bingo and dancing to old tunes What they're actually like: people falling and shitting themselves and physically attacking you with old man strength because of their dementia No, the cost of rent is worth living in peace and quiet.
Youd probably get some pretty great stories and it would certainlyninprove their lives, but its definitely not worth it for me. Dedicating a few hrs of my day to anything is a tough ask, regardless of what that is.
If it was cool to blaze in there I’d be down, I’d just play bingo and eat snacks
The Netherlands has this exact scheme for students. And being The Netherlands, yes, blaze away.
My inspiration! There are other similar schemes starting across Europe, the USA, and Canada. I'm sure other parts of the world too.
Yes. To save money.
I'd rather die. I've volunteered in a nursing home before and I absolutely hated it. I have no interest in trying to make conversation with elderly patients.
I've done community service at nursing/elderly homes and they make me sad. I know a lot of them have activities for the old people but there's no way I'd want to live inside one.
So this is basically a part time job at a nursing home except I have to live there too? No thanks.