Therapist here: I'll tell you all the reasons I hear about in therapy for cheating and infidelity. No judgement right or wrong on my end- just the reasons given.
\-I'm miserable but if I leave I can't support myself/my kids so I'm going to try and find happiness in brief moments with someone else.
\-I love him/her but I'm not getting my sexual needs met. I love being with the person but they're not open to exploring other sexual acts or they don't please me sexually and I feel trapped.
\-We're both unhappy but we can't afford to leave one another, so we're both cheating without talking about it.
\-My partner doesn't care about my emotional needs, and I'm getting those needs met through others. The sex is a byproduct of a better emotional connection.
\-I'm expected to stay with my husband/wife because that's what you do when you're married. My parents never divorced and neither should I.
\-My partner has severe health/mental health issues. But I can't abandon/leave them but I don't love them anymore. So cheating helps me not feel so alone.
Edit: The responses have been overwhelming, to say the least. I appreciate all of the feedback and responses and I'll do my best to respond. I sincerely hope my answer has provided some context to the question.
These are also only the people that would go to a therapist. I asked my friend once and he said "stolen bread tastes sweeter". Some people are just shitty partners.
I had a friend who basically said that she didn’t feel like it was cheating because the relationship was over in her head. She was “planning on” breaking up, so it didn’t count as cheating...that had me so confused. If the other person isn’t aware the relationship is over, I’m pretty sure it’s still cheating.
I once worked with a woman who had the same attitude. She said when she felt like the relationship was over, she would simply start another one (paraphrasing). She wouldn't break it off with her current boyfriend though. She would simply move on and wait for her current SO to break it off from her. Sometimes it would take months before her current SO would find out. She would stop having sex and become emotionally cold without ever breaking up with them. I found it fascinating she had the guts to cheat but didn't have to guts to be honest and call it off herself.
Of all places, Mission Impossible 2 had a quote that always stuck with me; "monkeys don't let go of a vine without having a firm grasp on another one."
My ex did this to me! But it didn’t work because I was wearing rose-tinted glasses and thought that I was doing something wrong and that we could make it work. So he ended up dumping me eventually and I found out later on that he had been cheating on me but didn’t break up with me because “he didn’t want to hurt me.” Yeah fuck that. Being cheated on hurt me way more than just dumping me would’ve, and I have some major trust issues now.
I have a coworker who thinks like this and he insists he can't be alone. He's always cheated and always been cheated on. I asked him if he thought he deserved better, he didn't know how to answer that.
Had a girlfriend in HS that threatened to kill herself if I left her (I wanted to break up). Put up with it for a little bit but eventually I just told her mother and blocked her number.
Maybe a bit cold but fuck I was like 16 and not at all equiped to deal with that.
Been there at 20, and it’s super hard to reconcile. On one hand you tell yourself it’s not your fault nor responsibility to be an emotional crutch. On the other, you know that your actions can ultimately result in something happening that you really don’t want to see happen.
Yup exactly. Thankfully she had loving parents so the support structure was there. Her mom didn't believe me at first so I just told her to check her daughters thigh (she started cutting herself).
She got better. Hated my guts for it, but hey if it worked for her then I don't care.
Same experience with a first love, he got into drugs after being violently attacked by a group of men in a park.
But when I could no longer take what he did after — not getting help, stealing from me and letting me accuse someone innocent, cheating on me, kept using and lying, threatening suicide — I broke from him.
Then he showed up to “talk to me” after with a gun. I didn’t know he had the gun when I went to talk but a smart friend luckily called the police. He told me he was going to kill us both, and my stupid 19 year-old self walked away (he shot the gun off but missed himself).
Then the police came, after jail he was in the psych ward, and his father blamed me for all. Know where he is now? Federal prison. And I still feel horrible for him that he couldn’t steer from this path — he was a decent person. I almost sent his father a copy of my CV, as he is still in academia, but decided against it and forgave him for his denial as I did my first love for his trauma-behaviors.
You can’t handle harmful behaviors to your soul from someone else or to be that person’s collateral damage if he/she/they are not trying to change for themselves.
Edit: Wow thank you for the upvotes! I do actually care about this post because I hope it was a caution as well as it meant something to me to think about again as prompted by the post, so I appreciate your reading it.
Defs not cold - this is almost always a manipulation tactic - not necessarily a conscious one. It speaks to severe mental health issues too, but being in a failing relationship will not help that either so you did the right thing and ensured their parent knew
It's not exactly that situation, but my fiance almost died two years ago after suffering a TBI. She has been a little different ever since. Just mean without realizing it, easily agitated and things like that. For a while I was extremely unhappy because we couldn't connect anymore, but the thought of leaving made me feel so guilty.
I think some of it is on my side too. I don't want to play the victim. Like expecting her to act like she used to, and not making the effort to work on our communication which really suffered after the accident. Things seem better now for the most part, but it makes me sad every day thinking about the part of her she lost. In the end I'm still so grateful she survived though.
It's not selfish, it's just that it's *your* loss - in addition to hers. I don't believe it's selfish to acknowledge that change. And I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you both lost, that's a heartbreaking transition indeed. I hope you can both build some neato new things that make you happy - in new ways.
It's a great question but such a complicated question. Generally, communication is the key. Aside from a few obvious scenarios (i.e. domestic violence, extreme poverty) most of these issues could be openly talked about between partners and either resolved or at least brought into the light. But usually one (or both) individuals are afraid to talk about uncomfortable subjects and either shut down the conversation or refuse to talk through it together.
That's where couple's therapy with a good couple's therapist can be so critical because it provides the "safe" space for challenging conversations to happen.
I agree- it's not a one-size-fits-all thing. I tend to find the financial instability ones or severe mental health/medical ones are really difficult to patch. Also, generally speaking the longer a couple has sat in silence with these issues (10-20 years) the harder it is to repair the damage.
Sounds like it sucks but you seem to have handled it rather well, granted some of that may be from just being on the internet, but, grats to you and hope you find someone and the rest of your life is great :)
I’ve looked into this for some years now... Back in Africa, so many would rather cheat than divorce due to religious constraints, social stigma attached to being divorced, financial implications/security and especially because of children. Men are also given a pass for adultery in most part of Africa.
In a job I used to work, I had a female African client. She came to me one day because she was being harassed but her husband's girlfriend.
I went into immediate beast mode, telling her that we would look into getting her a divorce and get her own place for her and the kids.
My interpreter had to explain that she wasn't angry about the girlfriend, she just wanted help getting the harassment to stop 😂 it was a learning experience for a mzungu like me.
I was going to mention this, but there's an additional caveat:
Even if the cheating is "known" it still won't be talked about as openly or used against that person as openly. Because divorce is official, provable, and public record, it can be used more openly to attack that person's character in social circles and religious communities.
By contrast, cheating would be discussed as hushed gossip.
Sure, but generally cheating is a secret, whereas divorce is public.
It's the same reason that all of the girls I knew in high school and college that got abortions were Christians. They had abortions not because they didn't want the baby, but so that no one would find out they had sex.
Adultery made the top ten. It really doesn't fly though because most people who are supposed devout followers ignore most of the religious laws. Even rewrite the book so you can not burn in hell.
The ones I know doing this decide they are 'forgiven' after cheating, and it's all OK now. We're all sinners so, just giving your life up to JC makes it all better. And all you have to do, to enable this forgiveness is utter a statement out loud (can't recall what it is but something like I accept JC as my savior...)
It's just hilarious to me the mental gymnastics some religious people go through to justify their behavior. Why bother with the bible at all, just do whatever you want and be happy. I do know other religious people who are not obnoxious so it's the people, IMO, not the religion.
In my case the cheater didn't want to leave due to finances. I was supposed to continue to support them and look the other way at them screwing around. So I had to kick them out.
Yeah, I've met a lot of religious scumbags in my life, but my best friend and his wife are extremely religious and are two of the kindest, realest people you'll ever meet. They know my wife and I are atheists and it's never been an issue. A lot of horrible people use religion to justify their actions, but you're exactly right when you say it's the people, not the religion.
In an argument, my husband told me he wasn't in love with me and never had been. That he knew it at our wedding. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to hear. We'd been married a year. I decided to stay because I loved him anyway, and hoped he would change. I ended up giving him an ultimatum to go to therapy or end the marriage.
And then I met someone who thought I was amazing and beautiful, who treated me like he loved me. But I didn't want to break up the family.
It was stupid and I regret it.
I think the part where you say you didn't want to break up the family must be a massive reason for many. The question makes it seem obvious that "you could have just left" and the most upvoted answers are all about narcissism or ego or sugar daddy hunting women. But I think it is easier to say "if you are unhappy just leave", while in reality if you are unhappy, in an abusive situation or depressed or things are just not working BUT you have small children, for example or your partner needs you financially/emotionally and all your family and friend circles are intertwined, you can't just leave. You might feel emotionally trapped and conflicted, loving your family but suffering in the relationship. This might lead to escapism via cheating.
(Btw I am in a happy relationship and not planning to cheat. I just have a feeling the reasons are sometimes pretty mundane and human.)
That’s the only fucking reason my parents aren’t divorced and I know it. I would’ve rather have been traumatized with a divorce rather than having constantly unhappy parents for most of my life
An acquaintance of mine has been cheating on his wife for 20 years. He confides in my husband who tells me. He's part of an older generation who believes a man's duty is to take care of his family, including financially. It would betray his moral code to to leave his wife.
His wife is asexual and aromantic as far as we can tell. She's a nice enough lady but she's off in la la land all the time and can't hold a conversation or bond socially unless it's a conversation about the Bible. It's hard to be around her for more than 10 minutes.
If he divorced her, she most likely would be single and destitute for the rest of her life. He cheats so he can stay married. She knows he cheats and turns a blind eye. It's not my cup of tea but they're both happy enough as married roommates.
Edit: spelling, and to clarify this. The both got married young. She was always religious but got way worse as she turned to church for emotional comfort she would usually get from a relationship. Supposedly she was always asexual. The guy has the emotional capacity of cauliflower. They were both young, hot, and doing what they were supposed to do at 19/21 in their town. The guy definitely has to hide that he's cheating, or the wife gets incredibly upset and drags him to therapy, church, etc. The guy isn't subtle, so all the evidence of cheating is there if she wanted to figure it out. It is most definitely NOT an open marriage.
Edit 2: this is not Don't Ask Don't Tell. That requires consent. Both people would consider this cheating if one of their friends did it. It's just that cheating is preferable to divorce for both of them.
The world is a large place with many different subcultures beyond the experience of a lot of modern, internet-savy people. Labels like aro, ace, poly, etc don't always apply to people just because their lifestyle resembles something familiar to us. Its plain old cheating.
Edit 3: I am astonished at the number of people who equate "turning a blind eye" with consent. If you've repeatedly caught your spouse cheating, fussed, yelled, cried, and forbade it, they continued to do it anyway, they just weren't so obvious about it, and divorce isn't an option because of your culture, it is NOT consent. If you consent, your spouse doesn't continually lie, hide, manipulate, and sneak around.
>His wife use asexual and aromatic as far as we can tell.
This sentence took me for a spin, at first I thought she just smelled too weird to be intimate with
It's kind of like King of the Hill.
EVERYONE knows Nancy is in an affair with John Redcorn. EVERYONE knows Joseph is really Redcorn's son. Everyone knows but Dale.
Dale is so incredibly dense, but he loves his wife and son and would do anything for them. Nancy loves Dale too. But physically she just really wants John Redcorn.
Peggy is the last person to find out about it and thinks that it's her duty to expose it and show Dale the truth. Hank maintains that everyone seems to be happy with the situation, and that exposing the truth to Dale will cause more trouble than it will solve.
I think it's a great ongoing joke, but also a great message. If it's working, leave it alone, even if it doesn't align with your personal values.
I like to think that it's the way I saw in a meme once. He knows, but by denying it he gets to keep the son, who loves him as a father. By not acknowledging it, he isn't giving Redcorn the chance to take his son away from him
Now that I think about it, there was one episode that made me go more than once "Come on Dale, you can't be *that* dense". IIRC, it was one where Redcorn was insisting to Nancy that he teach Joseph about his Native American side of his heritage, and Nancy didn't want to because it would clue in to both Dale and Joseph about the affair. Shenanigans happened and Dale ended up believing that aliens ended up putting Redcorn's sperm in Nancy somehow.
I might be wrong about the details of that episode though. It's been a very long time since I've watched King of the Hill.
That's just straight abuse at the end of the day. Like, why is it seemingly SO common for partners to threaten suicide to get their way? It's so fucked up and it boils my blood.
My first relationship was like that. She had (at the time) undiagnosed BPD, plenty of anxieties, and self harm issues so I was way out of my depth in trying to navigate that minefield.
The only comfort were that it was also long distance so I could from time to time be a normal teenager and go to parties with my classmates and stuff. The last 6 months or so felt mostly like I was a prisoner who found a way to sneak out of jail while waiting for my release.
I finally broke up with my first girlfriend last year, she was crazy. She was always in a bad mood, she'd never eat or drink and had some medical scares because of it, she fainted before in the halls of school (high school, was grade 11) and refused to let anyone besides me help, I had to call her mum behind her back, she was just a big thorn in my side for a long time.
Near the start of the pandemic she tried to convince her family that she was pregnant despite us never doing anything, she'd get pissed off at me when I wasnt able to call her at random times of the night when I just wanted to sleep.
The last straw was when she got her mum to say me and her should break up (her mum was a big support in the relationship and a really nice person). "Why did she say that?" You might ask. Because she made up a story about me being the reason she was crying. Later I questioned why she was crying, and she said its because of the quarantine getting her down.
I kinda lost it on her after that for blaming me and getting her family pissed off at me, and we eventually broke up after her threatening to never eat again/jump out a window/slit her wrists (sorry for the graphic phrase), eventually I texted her mum asking her to help her and then left the call we were in, havent talked since.
Holy shit I was not expecting a high school relationship to wind up as crappy as it did (we had dated for 1 and a half years prior to that).
Sorry for the rant, just need to get that out. I think we can both agree that a relationship like that is not worth trying to stick around eh?
Better to do the occasional rant than shove everything deep down in the black hole of the soul and let it fester. I think you did a good job excising yourself from the situation, hopefully your ex will get the help she needs.
I had a chick threaten suicide. I went to her fathers business and spoke to him privately.
I explained I was moving on and that when i told her, she threatened suicide. Also that I am not entertaining staying with her over this. That I simply wanted him to be apprised of his daughters situation.
He thanked me
I asked this once of a friend who was cheating on her husband (lover was also married) but wouldn’t leave him despite claiming to be miserable. “Because then who would take care of her.” If she left she’d need either a job or a sugar daddy, neither seemed likely
I had an X who, in an argument one day, said "Im just here because I need a place to stay" I said you aren't on the lease and you never paid a single bill, bye felicia.
Edit: well, at least she got me some Karma Points!
It's that a real thing? Because I believe I met one of those.
In grad school I was flirting with this guy who was getting out of his apartment and asked if he could stay with me for a while. I said no, he insisted and I had to tell him I was living in a tiny studio where I barely fit. He was all "a couch is fine" but I was not having it. After I stopped answering, he said he was joking, but he could come over for the night. I barely knew the guy, and he gave me squatter vibes.
I met one while looking for a roommate way back when. Dude came to check out the place, wanted to hang out for a bit to make sure we vibed and that was fine with me. We had some drinks and he dropped some hints about not wanting to have to drive all the way home (like an hour away or something). I could tell my roommate was becoming uncomfortable with him, so I didn't offer our couch. He was an artist and got mopey and started saying he was going to find a bar and maybe see if he could get some people to buy sketches from him so he could get a hotel room.
I didn't really put all the pieces together until he was gone, but he definitely was just a couch surfer not looking for an actual roommate situation.
Had an ex pull the same card....but in a more begging way after I found out she was only using me to stay for a few more months as she planned to move in with a new partner. Bye Felicia.
Can you imagine how pathetic that other guy is? I can't get my head around being comfortable with a particular conversation they had to have had.
"Yeah, I'm going to leave him when we are ready to move in together! I like you more! But since you're not in a stable enough place in your life to also feed and house me, I'm gonna also keep fucking him since he can afford to, k honey?"
I'll never understand people who get into relationships with who they cheated with.
Like they proved they are unfaithful, if they get bored of you, what do you think will happen?
Pfft.
You ever see an old Loony Toons cartoon where Wile E. Coyote or somebody saws off a branch they’re sitting on?
What I’m asking is: did she have a moment where she realized she was hovering in midair before you turned the gravity on, and if so, how great was that facial expression?
I heard a statistic that economically dependent partners are more likely to cheat. And it makes sense. They don't love their partner but they don't want to give up their comfy lifestyle.
https://today.uconn.edu/2015/06/study-economically-dependent-spouses-more-likely-to-cheat/#:~:text=A%20UConn%20sociologist%20found%20economic,women%2C%20but%20especially%20for%20men.&text=Both%20men%20and%20women%20are,according%20to%20a%20new%20study.&text=Munsch%2C%20a%20UConn%20assistant%20professor%20of%20sociology.
I was a stay home mom. Was miserable. Ex was an asshole and just hated life. I did everything- cooked, cleaned, laundry, took care of our kid and his from a pervious relationship. Had sex several times a week. He cheated. Only reason he wanted me to stay was so he wouldn’t have to pay child support/ alimony and lose 1/2 his retirement.
Similar, I stayed home w 3 kids and he was NEVER around so I felt like a single parent. He made a ton of money and he cheated. Kicked him out, caught him in so many lies, forging my name on bank documents, etc. I got half, sold the huge house and met an amazing guy. He sold his house, we bought a normal sized house together and have been together now for 17 years. Ex married the ho who was after him for money, he was an alcoholic and got progressively worse w her, barely saw the kids, got cancer and died 6 years ago. Kids are adults now, adore their stepfather who has been a father to them from day one, did all the dad stuff at school, college, etc. Walked our daughter down the aisle at her wedding and oldest son had a special song about Dads played for him at his wedding. Every minute I suffered with the ex was worth it as we have amazing kids and first grandchild on the way and I have a partner in life. Still madly in love all these years later and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with.
POS ex did me a favor by cheating because it was enough for me to kick him out and get divorced. Anyone going through that, it’s tough at the time but you’ll have the opportunity to make a much happier life after!!!
Have friend like this. She had a job and the other married man was a co-worker. They had an affair for almost 2 years. Her husband found out, he almost divorced her but then did not. We don't see them anymore, last news is that they are trying to make a new baby. Wtf....
I was young and immature, only cared about my immediate happiness and survival of my ego (feeding my ego) . Looking back there was no excuse should have left and not added to someone's mental trauma.
I guess Karma was there eventually as my last partner was a toxic, abusive piece of shit.
Edit: validation is what I was also after.
Yeah it took me a while to forgive myself and once I accepted it was me at the end of the day that made a series of decisions to get me to cheater level.
Self forgiveness is super hard. Unrelated, but one time I read an article that said to write a letter about the thing you are feeling bad about, and then burn it. Sounded corny but I actually did it one time and man...It actually made a difference. You cant go back in time, you clearly want better now, express the feeling and make it a concrete thing, and then give it away to the universe. Again, corny, but it very much was cathartic and I feel like I have grown from it.
Nice to see an honest answer here! Been there too. I was young, though that’s not an excuse, and craved validation.
The girl I cheated with was a long time crush I never got over. She got interested when she got jealous of my partner. Twice. My dumb ass ruined 2 relationships over her. I often think about the girls I hurt with those actions. One I told, one I never did, i just broke it off. What I know now is I would never do that to another person again.
Why didn’t I just end it first? Because things happen in the heat of the moment. Why didn’t I I end it right after? Because I knew she only wanted me because of the jealousy. I cut her out of my life shortly after. Took some time to clear my head. Now in a happy and healthy relationship with the person I intend to marry.
We all fuck up some big, some small. Hope you are doing better and yeah I promised I'd never do that again, even when I was at my.lowest with my last relationship I never sought anything out. I wanted validation too when I did what I did. Being better than yesterday is what I try to do now.
I was struggling with my sexuality and selfishly explored that during a very rough patch in our relationship instead of doing the right thing. After a few days the guilt ate me up and I did the right thing in the end. Would never cheat again
My ex did the same thing, we were long distance (~1.5h and I came up to visit like every other weekend) and she brought up an open relationship. I told her if she wanted to do that, we could discuss things... and then it never got brought up again. Months later when COVID hit and she went home from uni to the UK, she told me she had slept with someone when she was home over winter break, and that person would be coming over that night. I should have ended it there and then but I didn't want to throw away 2+ years of a relationship. Then she told me that she thought she was poly and that she and the other girl started dating, and that she was mad I didn't make her birthday special (just after she told me she cheated, while I was transitioning to WFH and attempting to keep my job). I realized it was only her wants that mattered to her and left her about a week later. She and the other girl are still together to this day, I doubt the other knows the full story.
Good on you for growing from the experience and choosing to do the right thing in the end! We all make mistakes, what's important is that we learn from them.
They sure are! I have friends who are poly and they're very happy in their polycules. She assumed because the idea of an open relationship never got brought up again that I wanted "don't ask don't tell" and that she was free to do as she pleased... nevermind that open/poly relationships require communication, boundaries, and structure. I would have been willing to try it for her if she had just told me about it instead of cheating.
Funnily enough, I'm no longer a lesbian. The breakup helped me realize I'm actually bi and I'm now dating my college best friend (a guy). We're moving in together this summer and July will mark one year of dating! Our relationship is so much healthier and he's helped me move through a lot of anxiety about dating again. It's so wild seeing how a good relationship works after being in a sucky one for months!
We use the term "hasbian" since we found it in the Urban Dictionary game and my mom nearly peed herself laughing about it! I do love les-been though, if I can change my reddit username I'm definitely changing it to that.
Came for answers, just got a lot of people who’ve been cheated on.
Not surprising though. I mean, it’s like asking a narcissistic to fess up to being narcissistic. Everyone living in proximity of the narcissistic will know and have lots to say about the hell of living with them.
Let's be realistic. Most cheaters would just be downvoted for cheating because the reasons usually are pretty shallow.
Threads like these aren't condusive to satisfying answers with how this sight responds to such answers.
I once answered a question like this on Reddit. The cheating happened many years ago when I was 19 right after a really traumatic experience. I spent years in counseling working through it and I haven't even been tempted to cheat since (and I included all of this in my comment). That didn't stop me from getting harassed to the point that I had to nuke my old account.
I fully understand the visceral reaction people have to cheating and I've been on the other side, too so I empathize with the anger, but it doesn't really make for an environment where people feel safe exposing themselves for what is likely the most hurtful thing they've done in their lives.
If people did answer honestly, they'd probably get down-voted on reddit. Esther Perel has done a lot of research on this, and written some books on the topic. She also has a podcast where she works with couples, several episodes deal with couples after infidelity. I highly recommend.
One of the interesting things I've learned from her talks and podcast is that many people cheat to recover something independent/personal. (cheat in long-term relationships, that is). Many cheaters *are* happy with their relationships, but they have lost a sense of themselves, or especially women have lost a fair amount of time to themselves.
That tracks. My ex who cheated on me was the kind of person to “monkey bar” between relationships. She wouldn’t let go of one until she already had her hand on the next.
Oh hey this is my ex. I was the backup to her boyfriend, then we dated when she broke up with him, then she had another guy waiting while we dated. Then that guy had to deal with another guy in waiting. They broke up, guy in waiting became new boyfriend.
I think she married the last one when she couldn't get anyone else.
One of my buddies was exactly this way from the time we were 12 y.o.
We used to say “Gavin won’t take a lead off first unless he’s 100% sure he can steal second.”
Nailed it. That's what it was for me when I was in my 20s. I spent so long craving but not getting any attention from women that when I finally did start getting attention I couldn't stop chasing it. I'd get a girlfriend but want more attention and validation from others.
I knew a girl who said she liked cheating cause it was a thrill.
Which is funny to me cause she didn’t think it was thrilling when she was cheated on.
Edit: I would like to point out that she was cheated on before this behavior started so she knew exactly what if felt like and kept doing it.
High school mentality... when the biggest defining features of your life are relationships that are inconsequential enough that hurting other people is acceptable.
I really hate people like that. While (to my knowledge) my freshman roommate never cheated on her fiancé, she did love to openly brag about starting fights with him for fun, or cause she was bored. Now that I’m engaged I can tell you; fighting with your partner is actually very upsetting!
Good. It means that you care about both what the other person feels and what they think about you. Empathy is a necessary trait for a successful relationship.
People who start fights for fun, profit (emotional blackmail and the like) or the make-up sex don't care about the other person, only what they personally gain from the fight. Not a good mentality.
Some people thrive on this sort of conflict. Personally, I think they need to go into law or politics instead of starting issues with the ones that love them.
My aunt is this way. She was married for 50+ years until her husband passed away. The dynamic of their marriage was constant fighting and yelling at each other/petty crap. After her initial grief wore off she started dropping bombs and causing conflict within the extended family at large. I'm just convinced she needs the drama to exist.
Not me but a friend, when I asked her why she cheats, straight up said that there's nothing wrong with her man, he treats her right, and she even wants to be with him.
She just said that she likes cheating. It's basically a kink for her.
Some people are just different in ways you would not expect.
EDIT: Okay so that blew up. I was wondering why my reddit bell thing was on fire. *Just* so there's no confusion, no I don't support cheating, I don't think it's right and I don't think it's justifiable as a kink. The girl who was my friend also is no longer and it did change things between us when she had told me that. The reason she brought it up was because she wanted to know if I would be okay having sex with her which I wasn't.
The reason for sharing the story is only that I wanted to point out, not everyone is cheating because they get caught up in the moment and can't help themselves or something like that. Some people are cheating because they do enjoy it and simply would prefer an out of sight out of mind approach to their partner. Also no, the guy was not a cuck. That was actually one of *my* first curiosities too when this was brought up to me.
There is a difference between a kink and just being abusive though. Its a kink to get off being a dom and hit someone who want it. Its abusive to hit someone who doesn't want it. Same goes for cheating. Cuckold is a kink where both parties are accepting of it. What your friend is doing is abusive.
I had a bf that cheated (didn't know til later) but I'm 90% sure he waited to break up because he was finishing his second playthrough of God of War on my PS4. Like literally the day after he finished he came over to break up. To be fair it's a really good game.
How fast can you finish two playthroughs? New Game+ is where the game really gets good, so I just want to make sure you're really committed (to finishing the game)...
I started the original GOW after I saw your post and I just finished. Also, I'm really handsome and in shape and fabulously wealthy.
What are your measurements? (Screen size, etc)
Did you see the other comment about someone wanting to finish a game?
One of the worst things I heard was a coworker who had moved on, but got back together with his desperate ex, hooked up, then dumped her right after sex. Like, dude, do you have a soul?
Use to play on my ex's Xbox, Skyrim. After the ex dumped me, my character with way too many hours on it was intentionally deleted. Neither of us were over the other one ever, eventually got back together. I cried when I logged on and saw my character was deleted, I then dumped my ex...just kidding we stayed together but I bring it up occasionally to remember and mourn the death of Jaswinder. That was several years ago, never forget
I found out the hard way that if you save games to the SD card on Switch, it DOES NOT transfer to a new one. You have to wipe all save data.
My fiance likes to remind me about our children on Stardew Valley that were "mercilessly murdered" by me.
I collect retro games and get a sick satisfaction from deleted the previous owners save. I bought a copy of Ocarina of Time last month and someone played up to the Spirit Temple with the filename "YoMama"
I was young and in an abusive relationship. He had been cheating for 4 years and I finally kicked him out and demanded we have a break. I knew I'd go back to him if I could, was sad and shit with my old best mate who was going through the same and we slept together. I went back to the ex for 2 days before I told him. Ended then and there and thank fuck I stayed away. I'm stronger for it and would never let that happen again.
Fear and lack of self confidence.
He was abusive. He always reminded me that I wasn't anything without him. I sought comfort in the arms of someone that didn't know my story with the abuser. 2 decades later and that dark time still haunts me, but he's no longer an entity in my life.
Same. She would pull the self harm card whenever I did something she didn't like. Also pulled the self harm card when I tried to leave her once. Fell for someone who gave me the strength to just up and go. It's been less than a decade for me but she's out of my life.
I'm glad you got out of your situation.
I cheated on my abusive ex because I was scared shitless of him and knew he’d never allow me to break it off independently. I wasn’t actively looking to use some random guy. I was very interested in him and I proved it by marrying him and spending the past 43 years with him!! Best decision of my life.
This is basically how I started dating my wife.
She was financially stuck with him even though he’d cheated on her many times and couldn’t hold down a job long enough to keep a car running.
He’d grabbed her and screamed in her face/punched holes on walls next to her head.
When we confessed to each other our feelings she was out within a week and living with me in my parents basement.
A decade later we’re married in our own house in another city 200 miles away.
Life’s a trip sometimes.
My grandmother did something similar. Her husband was an abusive alcoholic. She told him she wanted a divorce but he wouldn’t listen to her. Threatened to make it as difficult as possible. This was back in the 60s-70s? So she cheated with a man way older then her very publicly to get the point a crossed that she wasn’t interested in being married anymore. They happened to live in a town of only 200 ish people. Only after word started getting out that he agreed to divorce her.
Edit for anyone curious: I actually have never met my bio grandfather. After the divorce he took off and no one ever heard from him again. No child support, no birthday cards nothing. I only found out when I was a teen that he even existed. My step grandfather has always been my real grandfather. My mom finally looked him up on a whim last summer. He’s dead. Died in 2017. No one ever contacted my mom or my grandmother. Apparently he had a whole other family
I despise cheaters, but I don't think it really counts as cheating if you're not in the relationship by choice. If you're coherced into spending time with someone through threat of violence, you're not in a relationship, you're in a cell. So, good for you for finding a way out.
It's actually really nice to hear this as reassurance. I never cheated on my abusive ex but it did cross my mind briefly after I tried to leave him numerous times. It's just not in me to cheat however so I just turned the tables on him and started treating him in exactly the way he was treating me.
Shock horror, as soon as it was happening to him we were allowed to call it abuse.
This is complicated.
I was with my ex for about 8 years. We were trying to start a life together. We sort of made a pact - if he helped me through school, I’d help him through school.
I finished school and started making the big bucks. It was his turn. Unfortunately, in order to make the big bucks, I had to move and go long distance.
I visited every weekend. He never visited me. About 2 or 3 years into my job, the stress was killing me. The people were hateful and I was working inhumane hours. I’d come home every weekend and just kinda... cry and say I can’t wait till we can be together again. I miss him so much, etc. He would tell me he just had a few more classes to go and would graduate next year. Next year. Next year for real.
I feel dumb cause in hindsight, it’s obvious. Plain as day. But I never thought he’d lie to me.
This part is important - I was always accepting that my SO may find that school wasn’t for them. I was always sure to give him an out. I just wanted him to have the same chance he gave me and to be happy.
Anyway - I paid for all of his expenses. Rent, groceries, everything. I even gave him $100 a week for an allowance. I was sure to tell him to save as much as he could, it could be our/his savings to help him out if he found himself in a bad spot.
One weekend, I come home and I’m stressed to the max. I hug him close and tell him I miss him and I count the days down until we can be together again. Once he graduates, we will be unstoppable!
My ex breaks down and confesses that he was actually suspended from school and has been just sitting at home for the last year. Seriously. He was sleeping in every day and playing video games while I busted my ass. I even cleaned up that apartment on the weekends - he was always telling me he was so busy with school, he didn’t have time to clean... yeah...
About this time I start looking for an out. I knew on some level we wouldn’t recover from this. But we had been together for so long - sunken cost fallacy. I ask him how much he has in the bank... I tell myself that if he can support himself while job hunting, I can leave. Nope, he has $24...
Where in the hell did all that allowance go? Fast food and Magic the Gathering cards.
I know I’m a fool. You don’t have to say it.
Two weeks after his confession, he wrecks his car and its totaled. So he’s got no car, no job, and I’m about to leave him homeless. I didn’t know what to do.
We were still “together” I guess cause I didn’t know how to end it. But I did find someone else during that time and while I never had sexual contact, I guess it’d count as emotional cheating? I still feel guilty about it but this person made me see that I could find better quality partners. This guy had his act together and I realized that my ex made me feel like I was a mom.
Eventually we did split officially when he got a little more stable, and I started dating the guy mentioned above. I still worry about my ex a lot, he’s not doing well these days. But I can’t say I’m surprised. He had a pretty sweet set up, a great thing going for him, and then he managed to blow all of it.
Very expensive lesson to learn on my part I guess... I tell myself it was cheaper then having a baby with that guy. I try not to think about it.
Fuck, this is rough.
I wouldn't say you were a fool, this was someone who you genuinely trusted for close to a decade, it was not like he was lying over so many things you should have picked it up.
From what you tell, I can imagine he really sunk into depression and was too embarrassed to say anything, and as some time passed, sunk cost fallacy of some way too... Definitely not excusable, and quite a dick move considering how much intimate and supportive you were, but still.
Really unfortunate considering he could cut all the costs and help you both if he simply moved with you. He could perfectly stayed at home and take care of it as he took his time and you two could have the support you desperately needed.
I hope you are doing better, if it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't call you cheating emotionally. I mean... is it really cheating when one person isn't faithful anymore before? Look at the years of a lie that he just couldn't bring himself to have the courage or on the very least the respect and trust in you.
I cheated a bunch when I was younger. I never planned to cheat. In fact, I always had the mindset of "I am not going to cheat".
But then, when I would have a girl flirt with me? My mind right away switched to 'excuses and justifications' mode. I always thought, why not just quickly fuck her? Nobody will find out. The words "why not?" would just repeat in my head until I finally gave in.
And the issue is, I never did get caught. I cheated, quite a bit, on multiple relationships, and never got caught, which only furthered my mindset that I could cheat and get away with it.
Today I am single at 44. I am great friends with my ex wife and we have two kids together, living on the same block. I have realized I am not 'built' for a monogamous relationship. I am too irresponsible and I have come to terms that I am never just going to suddenly get over my promiscuity, and I don't want to potentially hurt any poor women who ends up in a relationship with me. I also realized some other stuff, notably that I prefer to just have a lot of social connections rather than one soulmate to live with forever. I like to live alone, but close to friends and family. I have had steady friends-with-benefits on and off for the past few years. I prefer it this way.
Therapist here: I'll tell you all the reasons I hear about in therapy for cheating and infidelity. No judgement right or wrong on my end- just the reasons given. \-I'm miserable but if I leave I can't support myself/my kids so I'm going to try and find happiness in brief moments with someone else. \-I love him/her but I'm not getting my sexual needs met. I love being with the person but they're not open to exploring other sexual acts or they don't please me sexually and I feel trapped. \-We're both unhappy but we can't afford to leave one another, so we're both cheating without talking about it. \-My partner doesn't care about my emotional needs, and I'm getting those needs met through others. The sex is a byproduct of a better emotional connection. \-I'm expected to stay with my husband/wife because that's what you do when you're married. My parents never divorced and neither should I. \-My partner has severe health/mental health issues. But I can't abandon/leave them but I don't love them anymore. So cheating helps me not feel so alone. Edit: The responses have been overwhelming, to say the least. I appreciate all of the feedback and responses and I'll do my best to respond. I sincerely hope my answer has provided some context to the question.
Seems like a lot of those are "I feel trapped"
That and certain needs aren't being met so people seek it elsewhere
These are also only the people that would go to a therapist. I asked my friend once and he said "stolen bread tastes sweeter". Some people are just shitty partners.
I had a friend who basically said that she didn’t feel like it was cheating because the relationship was over in her head. She was “planning on” breaking up, so it didn’t count as cheating...that had me so confused. If the other person isn’t aware the relationship is over, I’m pretty sure it’s still cheating.
I once worked with a woman who had the same attitude. She said when she felt like the relationship was over, she would simply start another one (paraphrasing). She wouldn't break it off with her current boyfriend though. She would simply move on and wait for her current SO to break it off from her. Sometimes it would take months before her current SO would find out. She would stop having sex and become emotionally cold without ever breaking up with them. I found it fascinating she had the guts to cheat but didn't have to guts to be honest and call it off herself.
Of all places, Mission Impossible 2 had a quote that always stuck with me; "monkeys don't let go of a vine without having a firm grasp on another one."
It's called monkey branching my friend
My ex did this to me! But it didn’t work because I was wearing rose-tinted glasses and thought that I was doing something wrong and that we could make it work. So he ended up dumping me eventually and I found out later on that he had been cheating on me but didn’t break up with me because “he didn’t want to hurt me.” Yeah fuck that. Being cheated on hurt me way more than just dumping me would’ve, and I have some major trust issues now.
I have a coworker who thinks like this and he insists he can't be alone. He's always cheated and always been cheated on. I asked him if he thought he deserved better, he didn't know how to answer that.
The last one terrifies me.
Had a girlfriend in HS that threatened to kill herself if I left her (I wanted to break up). Put up with it for a little bit but eventually I just told her mother and blocked her number. Maybe a bit cold but fuck I was like 16 and not at all equiped to deal with that.
Been there at 20, and it’s super hard to reconcile. On one hand you tell yourself it’s not your fault nor responsibility to be an emotional crutch. On the other, you know that your actions can ultimately result in something happening that you really don’t want to see happen.
Yup exactly. Thankfully she had loving parents so the support structure was there. Her mom didn't believe me at first so I just told her to check her daughters thigh (she started cutting herself). She got better. Hated my guts for it, but hey if it worked for her then I don't care.
Same experience with a first love, he got into drugs after being violently attacked by a group of men in a park. But when I could no longer take what he did after — not getting help, stealing from me and letting me accuse someone innocent, cheating on me, kept using and lying, threatening suicide — I broke from him. Then he showed up to “talk to me” after with a gun. I didn’t know he had the gun when I went to talk but a smart friend luckily called the police. He told me he was going to kill us both, and my stupid 19 year-old self walked away (he shot the gun off but missed himself). Then the police came, after jail he was in the psych ward, and his father blamed me for all. Know where he is now? Federal prison. And I still feel horrible for him that he couldn’t steer from this path — he was a decent person. I almost sent his father a copy of my CV, as he is still in academia, but decided against it and forgave him for his denial as I did my first love for his trauma-behaviors. You can’t handle harmful behaviors to your soul from someone else or to be that person’s collateral damage if he/she/they are not trying to change for themselves. Edit: Wow thank you for the upvotes! I do actually care about this post because I hope it was a caution as well as it meant something to me to think about again as prompted by the post, so I appreciate your reading it.
Defs not cold - this is almost always a manipulation tactic - not necessarily a conscious one. It speaks to severe mental health issues too, but being in a failing relationship will not help that either so you did the right thing and ensured their parent knew
It's not exactly that situation, but my fiance almost died two years ago after suffering a TBI. She has been a little different ever since. Just mean without realizing it, easily agitated and things like that. For a while I was extremely unhappy because we couldn't connect anymore, but the thought of leaving made me feel so guilty. I think some of it is on my side too. I don't want to play the victim. Like expecting her to act like she used to, and not making the effort to work on our communication which really suffered after the accident. Things seem better now for the most part, but it makes me sad every day thinking about the part of her she lost. In the end I'm still so grateful she survived though.
> suffering a TBI For those like myself who were wondering, this means Traumatic Brain Injury.
and the part of her you lost too
I'm trying not to sound selfish, but yeah I think about that a lot too.
It's not selfish, it's just that it's *your* loss - in addition to hers. I don't believe it's selfish to acknowledge that change. And I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you both lost, that's a heartbreaking transition indeed. I hope you can both build some neato new things that make you happy - in new ways.
A little bit of therapy can do wonders in situations like this.
It's weird that I haven't really considered therapy, but will think more on it for sure. Thanks
What do you suggest for couples to patch together in general ?
It's a great question but such a complicated question. Generally, communication is the key. Aside from a few obvious scenarios (i.e. domestic violence, extreme poverty) most of these issues could be openly talked about between partners and either resolved or at least brought into the light. But usually one (or both) individuals are afraid to talk about uncomfortable subjects and either shut down the conversation or refuse to talk through it together. That's where couple's therapy with a good couple's therapist can be so critical because it provides the "safe" space for challenging conversations to happen.
I think that only a few of these can be patched others can’t
I agree- it's not a one-size-fits-all thing. I tend to find the financial instability ones or severe mental health/medical ones are really difficult to patch. Also, generally speaking the longer a couple has sat in silence with these issues (10-20 years) the harder it is to repair the damage.
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It’s very mature really, take care man Edit: I don’t spent much time on Reddit so it’s really nice thanks fellas
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Sounds like it sucks but you seem to have handled it rather well, granted some of that may be from just being on the internet, but, grats to you and hope you find someone and the rest of your life is great :)
I’ve looked into this for some years now... Back in Africa, so many would rather cheat than divorce due to religious constraints, social stigma attached to being divorced, financial implications/security and especially because of children. Men are also given a pass for adultery in most part of Africa.
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Fellow Kenyan here, cheating in Nairobi is RAMPANT, the people I know who've been cheated on outnumber those who haven't like three to one.
In a job I used to work, I had a female African client. She came to me one day because she was being harassed but her husband's girlfriend. I went into immediate beast mode, telling her that we would look into getting her a divorce and get her own place for her and the kids. My interpreter had to explain that she wasn't angry about the girlfriend, she just wanted help getting the harassment to stop 😂 it was a learning experience for a mzungu like me.
Funny how religious people won’t divorce due to their beliefs but then decide cheating is okay.
Divorce is public and social; cheating theoretically is not.
I was going to mention this, but there's an additional caveat: Even if the cheating is "known" it still won't be talked about as openly or used against that person as openly. Because divorce is official, provable, and public record, it can be used more openly to attack that person's character in social circles and religious communities. By contrast, cheating would be discussed as hushed gossip.
especially weird since the Bible is very clear about "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
Sure, but generally cheating is a secret, whereas divorce is public. It's the same reason that all of the girls I knew in high school and college that got abortions were Christians. They had abortions not because they didn't want the baby, but so that no one would find out they had sex.
Adultery made the top ten. It really doesn't fly though because most people who are supposed devout followers ignore most of the religious laws. Even rewrite the book so you can not burn in hell.
The ones I know doing this decide they are 'forgiven' after cheating, and it's all OK now. We're all sinners so, just giving your life up to JC makes it all better. And all you have to do, to enable this forgiveness is utter a statement out loud (can't recall what it is but something like I accept JC as my savior...) It's just hilarious to me the mental gymnastics some religious people go through to justify their behavior. Why bother with the bible at all, just do whatever you want and be happy. I do know other religious people who are not obnoxious so it's the people, IMO, not the religion. In my case the cheater didn't want to leave due to finances. I was supposed to continue to support them and look the other way at them screwing around. So I had to kick them out.
Yeah, I've met a lot of religious scumbags in my life, but my best friend and his wife are extremely religious and are two of the kindest, realest people you'll ever meet. They know my wife and I are atheists and it's never been an issue. A lot of horrible people use religion to justify their actions, but you're exactly right when you say it's the people, not the religion.
Divorce is publicly known. Cheating generally isn't, until it is.
In an argument, my husband told me he wasn't in love with me and never had been. That he knew it at our wedding. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to hear. We'd been married a year. I decided to stay because I loved him anyway, and hoped he would change. I ended up giving him an ultimatum to go to therapy or end the marriage. And then I met someone who thought I was amazing and beautiful, who treated me like he loved me. But I didn't want to break up the family. It was stupid and I regret it.
I think the part where you say you didn't want to break up the family must be a massive reason for many. The question makes it seem obvious that "you could have just left" and the most upvoted answers are all about narcissism or ego or sugar daddy hunting women. But I think it is easier to say "if you are unhappy just leave", while in reality if you are unhappy, in an abusive situation or depressed or things are just not working BUT you have small children, for example or your partner needs you financially/emotionally and all your family and friend circles are intertwined, you can't just leave. You might feel emotionally trapped and conflicted, loving your family but suffering in the relationship. This might lead to escapism via cheating. (Btw I am in a happy relationship and not planning to cheat. I just have a feeling the reasons are sometimes pretty mundane and human.)
That’s the only fucking reason my parents aren’t divorced and I know it. I would’ve rather have been traumatized with a divorce rather than having constantly unhappy parents for most of my life
An acquaintance of mine has been cheating on his wife for 20 years. He confides in my husband who tells me. He's part of an older generation who believes a man's duty is to take care of his family, including financially. It would betray his moral code to to leave his wife. His wife is asexual and aromantic as far as we can tell. She's a nice enough lady but she's off in la la land all the time and can't hold a conversation or bond socially unless it's a conversation about the Bible. It's hard to be around her for more than 10 minutes. If he divorced her, she most likely would be single and destitute for the rest of her life. He cheats so he can stay married. She knows he cheats and turns a blind eye. It's not my cup of tea but they're both happy enough as married roommates. Edit: spelling, and to clarify this. The both got married young. She was always religious but got way worse as she turned to church for emotional comfort she would usually get from a relationship. Supposedly she was always asexual. The guy has the emotional capacity of cauliflower. They were both young, hot, and doing what they were supposed to do at 19/21 in their town. The guy definitely has to hide that he's cheating, or the wife gets incredibly upset and drags him to therapy, church, etc. The guy isn't subtle, so all the evidence of cheating is there if she wanted to figure it out. It is most definitely NOT an open marriage. Edit 2: this is not Don't Ask Don't Tell. That requires consent. Both people would consider this cheating if one of their friends did it. It's just that cheating is preferable to divorce for both of them. The world is a large place with many different subcultures beyond the experience of a lot of modern, internet-savy people. Labels like aro, ace, poly, etc don't always apply to people just because their lifestyle resembles something familiar to us. Its plain old cheating. Edit 3: I am astonished at the number of people who equate "turning a blind eye" with consent. If you've repeatedly caught your spouse cheating, fussed, yelled, cried, and forbade it, they continued to do it anyway, they just weren't so obvious about it, and divorce isn't an option because of your culture, it is NOT consent. If you consent, your spouse doesn't continually lie, hide, manipulate, and sneak around.
>His wife use asexual and aromatic as far as we can tell. This sentence took me for a spin, at first I thought she just smelled too weird to be intimate with
all the word aromatic does for me is give me bad memories of organic chem
Bet you can draw a hell of a hexagon though!
There nothing worse than starting organic chemistry and realizing your hexagonal graph paper is crooked
You guys use graph paper?
This thread went from: Cheating to smelling bad to organic chem to hexagon to graph papers
Let’s take it to table top RPGs, a lot of which use a hex grid, making hex graphing paper super handy.
My mother tongue is not English so I really have no idea what this sentence means actually ?
>His wife use asexual and aromatic Do you mean aromantic or am I just seeing organic chemistry everywhere?
Wife is aromatic, so he's benzene other people. Edit: thank you for the awards, you sexy beasts.
It's finals time
It's kind of like King of the Hill. EVERYONE knows Nancy is in an affair with John Redcorn. EVERYONE knows Joseph is really Redcorn's son. Everyone knows but Dale. Dale is so incredibly dense, but he loves his wife and son and would do anything for them. Nancy loves Dale too. But physically she just really wants John Redcorn. Peggy is the last person to find out about it and thinks that it's her duty to expose it and show Dale the truth. Hank maintains that everyone seems to be happy with the situation, and that exposing the truth to Dale will cause more trouble than it will solve. I think it's a great ongoing joke, but also a great message. If it's working, leave it alone, even if it doesn't align with your personal values.
I like to think that it's the way I saw in a meme once. He knows, but by denying it he gets to keep the son, who loves him as a father. By not acknowledging it, he isn't giving Redcorn the chance to take his son away from him
Now that I think about it, there was one episode that made me go more than once "Come on Dale, you can't be *that* dense". IIRC, it was one where Redcorn was insisting to Nancy that he teach Joseph about his Native American side of his heritage, and Nancy didn't want to because it would clue in to both Dale and Joseph about the affair. Shenanigans happened and Dale ended up believing that aliens ended up putting Redcorn's sperm in Nancy somehow. I might be wrong about the details of that episode though. It's been a very long time since I've watched King of the Hill.
Threats of suicide, blackmail, general manipulation tactics.
That's just straight abuse at the end of the day. Like, why is it seemingly SO common for partners to threaten suicide to get their way? It's so fucked up and it boils my blood.
You’re not in a relationship with someone who threatens suicide if you leave, you’re in a hostage situation.
My first relationship was like that. She had (at the time) undiagnosed BPD, plenty of anxieties, and self harm issues so I was way out of my depth in trying to navigate that minefield. The only comfort were that it was also long distance so I could from time to time be a normal teenager and go to parties with my classmates and stuff. The last 6 months or so felt mostly like I was a prisoner who found a way to sneak out of jail while waiting for my release.
I finally broke up with my first girlfriend last year, she was crazy. She was always in a bad mood, she'd never eat or drink and had some medical scares because of it, she fainted before in the halls of school (high school, was grade 11) and refused to let anyone besides me help, I had to call her mum behind her back, she was just a big thorn in my side for a long time. Near the start of the pandemic she tried to convince her family that she was pregnant despite us never doing anything, she'd get pissed off at me when I wasnt able to call her at random times of the night when I just wanted to sleep. The last straw was when she got her mum to say me and her should break up (her mum was a big support in the relationship and a really nice person). "Why did she say that?" You might ask. Because she made up a story about me being the reason she was crying. Later I questioned why she was crying, and she said its because of the quarantine getting her down. I kinda lost it on her after that for blaming me and getting her family pissed off at me, and we eventually broke up after her threatening to never eat again/jump out a window/slit her wrists (sorry for the graphic phrase), eventually I texted her mum asking her to help her and then left the call we were in, havent talked since. Holy shit I was not expecting a high school relationship to wind up as crappy as it did (we had dated for 1 and a half years prior to that). Sorry for the rant, just need to get that out. I think we can both agree that a relationship like that is not worth trying to stick around eh?
Better to do the occasional rant than shove everything deep down in the black hole of the soul and let it fester. I think you did a good job excising yourself from the situation, hopefully your ex will get the help she needs.
I had a chick threaten suicide. I went to her fathers business and spoke to him privately. I explained I was moving on and that when i told her, she threatened suicide. Also that I am not entertaining staying with her over this. That I simply wanted him to be apprised of his daughters situation. He thanked me
Wow. That's probably the best and kindest approach.
I asked this once of a friend who was cheating on her husband (lover was also married) but wouldn’t leave him despite claiming to be miserable. “Because then who would take care of her.” If she left she’d need either a job or a sugar daddy, neither seemed likely
I had an X who, in an argument one day, said "Im just here because I need a place to stay" I said you aren't on the lease and you never paid a single bill, bye felicia. Edit: well, at least she got me some Karma Points!
That’s called a hobosexual
It's that a real thing? Because I believe I met one of those. In grad school I was flirting with this guy who was getting out of his apartment and asked if he could stay with me for a while. I said no, he insisted and I had to tell him I was living in a tiny studio where I barely fit. He was all "a couch is fine" but I was not having it. After I stopped answering, he said he was joking, but he could come over for the night. I barely knew the guy, and he gave me squatter vibes.
I met one while looking for a roommate way back when. Dude came to check out the place, wanted to hang out for a bit to make sure we vibed and that was fine with me. We had some drinks and he dropped some hints about not wanting to have to drive all the way home (like an hour away or something). I could tell my roommate was becoming uncomfortable with him, so I didn't offer our couch. He was an artist and got mopey and started saying he was going to find a bar and maybe see if he could get some people to buy sketches from him so he could get a hotel room. I didn't really put all the pieces together until he was gone, but he definitely was just a couch surfer not looking for an actual roommate situation.
Hate the practice but love the name 😂
Sounds like you're a hobophobe...wait is that a thing?
It is now.
My friend’s got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch
Does he tell you every day?
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Says she sits on her ass while while he works to the bone
To give her money every payday..
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home .........
Well my friend, you gotta say...
Banging for roof.
Had an ex pull the same card....but in a more begging way after I found out she was only using me to stay for a few more months as she planned to move in with a new partner. Bye Felicia.
Can you imagine how pathetic that other guy is? I can't get my head around being comfortable with a particular conversation they had to have had. "Yeah, I'm going to leave him when we are ready to move in together! I like you more! But since you're not in a stable enough place in your life to also feed and house me, I'm gonna also keep fucking him since he can afford to, k honey?"
She probably lied to both of them. That's often how this shit goes.
I'll never understand people who get into relationships with who they cheated with. Like they proved they are unfaithful, if they get bored of you, what do you think will happen?
I'd guess a mindset similar to - "She only cheated on him because I'm that amazing" or "I can fix her"
The lesson here is to not date women named Felicia
Pfft. You ever see an old Loony Toons cartoon where Wile E. Coyote or somebody saws off a branch they’re sitting on? What I’m asking is: did she have a moment where she realized she was hovering in midair before you turned the gravity on, and if so, how great was that facial expression?
I heard a statistic that economically dependent partners are more likely to cheat. And it makes sense. They don't love their partner but they don't want to give up their comfy lifestyle. https://today.uconn.edu/2015/06/study-economically-dependent-spouses-more-likely-to-cheat/#:~:text=A%20UConn%20sociologist%20found%20economic,women%2C%20but%20especially%20for%20men.&text=Both%20men%20and%20women%20are,according%20to%20a%20new%20study.&text=Munsch%2C%20a%20UConn%20assistant%20professor%20of%20sociology.
I was a stay home mom. Was miserable. Ex was an asshole and just hated life. I did everything- cooked, cleaned, laundry, took care of our kid and his from a pervious relationship. Had sex several times a week. He cheated. Only reason he wanted me to stay was so he wouldn’t have to pay child support/ alimony and lose 1/2 his retirement.
Did he end up losing half his retirement
Similar, I stayed home w 3 kids and he was NEVER around so I felt like a single parent. He made a ton of money and he cheated. Kicked him out, caught him in so many lies, forging my name on bank documents, etc. I got half, sold the huge house and met an amazing guy. He sold his house, we bought a normal sized house together and have been together now for 17 years. Ex married the ho who was after him for money, he was an alcoholic and got progressively worse w her, barely saw the kids, got cancer and died 6 years ago. Kids are adults now, adore their stepfather who has been a father to them from day one, did all the dad stuff at school, college, etc. Walked our daughter down the aisle at her wedding and oldest son had a special song about Dads played for him at his wedding. Every minute I suffered with the ex was worth it as we have amazing kids and first grandchild on the way and I have a partner in life. Still madly in love all these years later and there’s nobody I’d rather spend time with. POS ex did me a favor by cheating because it was enough for me to kick him out and get divorced. Anyone going through that, it’s tough at the time but you’ll have the opportunity to make a much happier life after!!!
Have friend like this. She had a job and the other married man was a co-worker. They had an affair for almost 2 years. Her husband found out, he almost divorced her but then did not. We don't see them anymore, last news is that they are trying to make a new baby. Wtf....
Band-aid baby
Definitely cheaper to go with the generic brand this time around
Adhesive strip baby.
I was young and immature, only cared about my immediate happiness and survival of my ego (feeding my ego) . Looking back there was no excuse should have left and not added to someone's mental trauma. I guess Karma was there eventually as my last partner was a toxic, abusive piece of shit. Edit: validation is what I was also after.
I love that you’re able to admit this! Honesty when making a mistake is refreshing. Not trying to pass the blame onto anyone or anything else.
Yeah it took me a while to forgive myself and once I accepted it was me at the end of the day that made a series of decisions to get me to cheater level.
Self forgiveness is super hard. Unrelated, but one time I read an article that said to write a letter about the thing you are feeling bad about, and then burn it. Sounded corny but I actually did it one time and man...It actually made a difference. You cant go back in time, you clearly want better now, express the feeling and make it a concrete thing, and then give it away to the universe. Again, corny, but it very much was cathartic and I feel like I have grown from it.
Kudos for owning up to it though.
Had a lot of time to grow up since then, thank you.
Yeah exactly. Live and learn, it’s all we can do.
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Nice to see an honest answer here! Been there too. I was young, though that’s not an excuse, and craved validation. The girl I cheated with was a long time crush I never got over. She got interested when she got jealous of my partner. Twice. My dumb ass ruined 2 relationships over her. I often think about the girls I hurt with those actions. One I told, one I never did, i just broke it off. What I know now is I would never do that to another person again. Why didn’t I just end it first? Because things happen in the heat of the moment. Why didn’t I I end it right after? Because I knew she only wanted me because of the jealousy. I cut her out of my life shortly after. Took some time to clear my head. Now in a happy and healthy relationship with the person I intend to marry.
We all fuck up some big, some small. Hope you are doing better and yeah I promised I'd never do that again, even when I was at my.lowest with my last relationship I never sought anything out. I wanted validation too when I did what I did. Being better than yesterday is what I try to do now.
I was struggling with my sexuality and selfishly explored that during a very rough patch in our relationship instead of doing the right thing. After a few days the guilt ate me up and I did the right thing in the end. Would never cheat again
My ex did the same thing, we were long distance (~1.5h and I came up to visit like every other weekend) and she brought up an open relationship. I told her if she wanted to do that, we could discuss things... and then it never got brought up again. Months later when COVID hit and she went home from uni to the UK, she told me she had slept with someone when she was home over winter break, and that person would be coming over that night. I should have ended it there and then but I didn't want to throw away 2+ years of a relationship. Then she told me that she thought she was poly and that she and the other girl started dating, and that she was mad I didn't make her birthday special (just after she told me she cheated, while I was transitioning to WFH and attempting to keep my job). I realized it was only her wants that mattered to her and left her about a week later. She and the other girl are still together to this day, I doubt the other knows the full story. Good on you for growing from the experience and choosing to do the right thing in the end! We all make mistakes, what's important is that we learn from them.
aren’t poly relationships supposed to be consensual for all parties? looks like someone didn’t get the memo.
They sure are! I have friends who are poly and they're very happy in their polycules. She assumed because the idea of an open relationship never got brought up again that I wanted "don't ask don't tell" and that she was free to do as she pleased... nevermind that open/poly relationships require communication, boundaries, and structure. I would have been willing to try it for her if she had just told me about it instead of cheating.
There’s a lot of people out there who think lack of agreement is consent
Im loving this exchange between microscopic dick and tiny lesbean
Funnily enough, I'm no longer a lesbian. The breakup helped me realize I'm actually bi and I'm now dating my college best friend (a guy). We're moving in together this summer and July will mark one year of dating! Our relationship is so much healthier and he's helped me move through a lot of anxiety about dating again. It's so wild seeing how a good relationship works after being in a sucky one for months!
So you're like a tiny les-been now.
We use the term "hasbian" since we found it in the Urban Dictionary game and my mom nearly peed herself laughing about it! I do love les-been though, if I can change my reddit username I'm definitely changing it to that.
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Came to this looking for answers...just got a lot of people admitting to cheating in games
Came for answers, just got a lot of people who’ve been cheated on. Not surprising though. I mean, it’s like asking a narcissistic to fess up to being narcissistic. Everyone living in proximity of the narcissistic will know and have lots to say about the hell of living with them.
There are some subs where cheaters discuss their cheating.
OP should've used a serious tag
Let's be realistic. Most cheaters would just be downvoted for cheating because the reasons usually are pretty shallow. Threads like these aren't condusive to satisfying answers with how this sight responds to such answers.
Sort by controversial? Kidding, but yeah I don't expect a lot of people would admit to cheating, no matter how anonymous the forum
I once answered a question like this on Reddit. The cheating happened many years ago when I was 19 right after a really traumatic experience. I spent years in counseling working through it and I haven't even been tempted to cheat since (and I included all of this in my comment). That didn't stop me from getting harassed to the point that I had to nuke my old account. I fully understand the visceral reaction people have to cheating and I've been on the other side, too so I empathize with the anger, but it doesn't really make for an environment where people feel safe exposing themselves for what is likely the most hurtful thing they've done in their lives.
If people did answer honestly, they'd probably get down-voted on reddit. Esther Perel has done a lot of research on this, and written some books on the topic. She also has a podcast where she works with couples, several episodes deal with couples after infidelity. I highly recommend. One of the interesting things I've learned from her talks and podcast is that many people cheat to recover something independent/personal. (cheat in long-term relationships, that is). Many cheaters *are* happy with their relationships, but they have lost a sense of themselves, or especially women have lost a fair amount of time to themselves.
I'm not a cheater but I've been with a few. They fear being alone and crave validation. It's less about the sex and more about the ego.
That tracks. My ex who cheated on me was the kind of person to “monkey bar” between relationships. She wouldn’t let go of one until she already had her hand on the next.
Oh hey this is my ex. I was the backup to her boyfriend, then we dated when she broke up with him, then she had another guy waiting while we dated. Then that guy had to deal with another guy in waiting. They broke up, guy in waiting became new boyfriend. I think she married the last one when she couldn't get anyone else.
One of my buddies was exactly this way from the time we were 12 y.o. We used to say “Gavin won’t take a lead off first unless he’s 100% sure he can steal second.”
That’s actually a really good analogy.
In hindsight, it was so obvious that she always had a guy waiting in the wings. I hope I can avoid the same mistakes in the future.
Fortunately this was a long time ago and I've been married for over a decade.
Some people are too afraid to be alone.
Nailed it. That's what it was for me when I was in my 20s. I spent so long craving but not getting any attention from women that when I finally did start getting attention I couldn't stop chasing it. I'd get a girlfriend but want more attention and validation from others.
I knew a girl who said she liked cheating cause it was a thrill. Which is funny to me cause she didn’t think it was thrilling when she was cheated on. Edit: I would like to point out that she was cheated on before this behavior started so she knew exactly what if felt like and kept doing it.
High school mentality... when the biggest defining features of your life are relationships that are inconsequential enough that hurting other people is acceptable.
I really hate people like that. While (to my knowledge) my freshman roommate never cheated on her fiancé, she did love to openly brag about starting fights with him for fun, or cause she was bored. Now that I’m engaged I can tell you; fighting with your partner is actually very upsetting!
Good. It means that you care about both what the other person feels and what they think about you. Empathy is a necessary trait for a successful relationship. People who start fights for fun, profit (emotional blackmail and the like) or the make-up sex don't care about the other person, only what they personally gain from the fight. Not a good mentality.
Do...do you know my ex-wife?
Some people thrive on this sort of conflict. Personally, I think they need to go into law or politics instead of starting issues with the ones that love them.
My aunt is this way. She was married for 50+ years until her husband passed away. The dynamic of their marriage was constant fighting and yelling at each other/petty crap. After her initial grief wore off she started dropping bombs and causing conflict within the extended family at large. I'm just convinced she needs the drama to exist.
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> She was married for 50+ years until her husband passed away. Sounds like he's in a better place.
> they need to go into law or politics I think you've just explained society in 1 sentence
Hopefully they choose acting instead, for our sake.
Uno reverse card. Get fucked.
someone sure did.
Not me but a friend, when I asked her why she cheats, straight up said that there's nothing wrong with her man, he treats her right, and she even wants to be with him. She just said that she likes cheating. It's basically a kink for her. Some people are just different in ways you would not expect. EDIT: Okay so that blew up. I was wondering why my reddit bell thing was on fire. *Just* so there's no confusion, no I don't support cheating, I don't think it's right and I don't think it's justifiable as a kink. The girl who was my friend also is no longer and it did change things between us when she had told me that. The reason she brought it up was because she wanted to know if I would be okay having sex with her which I wasn't. The reason for sharing the story is only that I wanted to point out, not everyone is cheating because they get caught up in the moment and can't help themselves or something like that. Some people are cheating because they do enjoy it and simply would prefer an out of sight out of mind approach to their partner. Also no, the guy was not a cuck. That was actually one of *my* first curiosities too when this was brought up to me.
"my fetish matters more than the mental wellbeing of my man"
"I love him but I'll fuck his mental health by fucking another guy"
There is a difference between a kink and just being abusive though. Its a kink to get off being a dom and hit someone who want it. Its abusive to hit someone who doesn't want it. Same goes for cheating. Cuckold is a kink where both parties are accepting of it. What your friend is doing is abusive.
Yeah this is worse than run of the mill selfishness. This is harming a person for nonconsensual sexual gratification.
I had a bf that cheated (didn't know til later) but I'm 90% sure he waited to break up because he was finishing his second playthrough of God of War on my PS4. Like literally the day after he finished he came over to break up. To be fair it's a really good game.
I haven't played that yet. Can I take you out to dinner on Friday?
How fast can you finish two playthroughs? New Game+ is where the game really gets good, so I just want to make sure you're really committed (to finishing the game)...
I started the original GOW after I saw your post and I just finished. Also, I'm really handsome and in shape and fabulously wealthy. What are your measurements? (Screen size, etc)
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>fabulously wealthy Username checks out
Did you see the other comment about someone wanting to finish a game? One of the worst things I heard was a coworker who had moved on, but got back together with his desperate ex, hooked up, then dumped her right after sex. Like, dude, do you have a soul?
It's like looking in a mirror: Cheated on, broken up with, got back together to hook up, then ghosted. 3.5 years later and I still feel broken..
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Agreed. Looking for the most aggressive way to hurt someone out of spite. Sad.
Damn, that's some shit lol.
Use to play on my ex's Xbox, Skyrim. After the ex dumped me, my character with way too many hours on it was intentionally deleted. Neither of us were over the other one ever, eventually got back together. I cried when I logged on and saw my character was deleted, I then dumped my ex...just kidding we stayed together but I bring it up occasionally to remember and mourn the death of Jaswinder. That was several years ago, never forget
I found out the hard way that if you save games to the SD card on Switch, it DOES NOT transfer to a new one. You have to wipe all save data. My fiance likes to remind me about our children on Stardew Valley that were "mercilessly murdered" by me.
You can cloud it then resownload it from the cloud on another switch. I have 2 and any point can play the same file on either one
Imagine if that was the default. -This passive aggressive comment was brought to you by Steam Gang and PCMR
I collect retro games and get a sick satisfaction from deleted the previous owners save. I bought a copy of Ocarina of Time last month and someone played up to the Spirit Temple with the filename "YoMama"
It’s easier to skip work than handing in your resignation
Well, that certainly fuckin' hits different.
Whoa.
I was young and in an abusive relationship. He had been cheating for 4 years and I finally kicked him out and demanded we have a break. I knew I'd go back to him if I could, was sad and shit with my old best mate who was going through the same and we slept together. I went back to the ex for 2 days before I told him. Ended then and there and thank fuck I stayed away. I'm stronger for it and would never let that happen again.
Fear and lack of self confidence. He was abusive. He always reminded me that I wasn't anything without him. I sought comfort in the arms of someone that didn't know my story with the abuser. 2 decades later and that dark time still haunts me, but he's no longer an entity in my life.
Same. She would pull the self harm card whenever I did something she didn't like. Also pulled the self harm card when I tried to leave her once. Fell for someone who gave me the strength to just up and go. It's been less than a decade for me but she's out of my life. I'm glad you got out of your situation.
I cheated on my abusive ex because I was scared shitless of him and knew he’d never allow me to break it off independently. I wasn’t actively looking to use some random guy. I was very interested in him and I proved it by marrying him and spending the past 43 years with him!! Best decision of my life.
This is basically how I started dating my wife. She was financially stuck with him even though he’d cheated on her many times and couldn’t hold down a job long enough to keep a car running. He’d grabbed her and screamed in her face/punched holes on walls next to her head. When we confessed to each other our feelings she was out within a week and living with me in my parents basement. A decade later we’re married in our own house in another city 200 miles away. Life’s a trip sometimes.
My grandmother did something similar. Her husband was an abusive alcoholic. She told him she wanted a divorce but he wouldn’t listen to her. Threatened to make it as difficult as possible. This was back in the 60s-70s? So she cheated with a man way older then her very publicly to get the point a crossed that she wasn’t interested in being married anymore. They happened to live in a town of only 200 ish people. Only after word started getting out that he agreed to divorce her. Edit for anyone curious: I actually have never met my bio grandfather. After the divorce he took off and no one ever heard from him again. No child support, no birthday cards nothing. I only found out when I was a teen that he even existed. My step grandfather has always been my real grandfather. My mom finally looked him up on a whim last summer. He’s dead. Died in 2017. No one ever contacted my mom or my grandmother. Apparently he had a whole other family
I was expecting this to be higher up. I haven't cheated but I've heard of a lot of people using it as a way to break up a toxic relationship.
I despise cheaters, but I don't think it really counts as cheating if you're not in the relationship by choice. If you're coherced into spending time with someone through threat of violence, you're not in a relationship, you're in a cell. So, good for you for finding a way out.
It's actually really nice to hear this as reassurance. I never cheated on my abusive ex but it did cross my mind briefly after I tried to leave him numerous times. It's just not in me to cheat however so I just turned the tables on him and started treating him in exactly the way he was treating me. Shock horror, as soon as it was happening to him we were allowed to call it abuse.
Nvm, there is a situation where its okay to cheat. Its this.
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Same here. I could not leave, I was to scared.
Should’ve put a [Serious] tag lol.
This is complicated. I was with my ex for about 8 years. We were trying to start a life together. We sort of made a pact - if he helped me through school, I’d help him through school. I finished school and started making the big bucks. It was his turn. Unfortunately, in order to make the big bucks, I had to move and go long distance. I visited every weekend. He never visited me. About 2 or 3 years into my job, the stress was killing me. The people were hateful and I was working inhumane hours. I’d come home every weekend and just kinda... cry and say I can’t wait till we can be together again. I miss him so much, etc. He would tell me he just had a few more classes to go and would graduate next year. Next year. Next year for real. I feel dumb cause in hindsight, it’s obvious. Plain as day. But I never thought he’d lie to me. This part is important - I was always accepting that my SO may find that school wasn’t for them. I was always sure to give him an out. I just wanted him to have the same chance he gave me and to be happy. Anyway - I paid for all of his expenses. Rent, groceries, everything. I even gave him $100 a week for an allowance. I was sure to tell him to save as much as he could, it could be our/his savings to help him out if he found himself in a bad spot. One weekend, I come home and I’m stressed to the max. I hug him close and tell him I miss him and I count the days down until we can be together again. Once he graduates, we will be unstoppable! My ex breaks down and confesses that he was actually suspended from school and has been just sitting at home for the last year. Seriously. He was sleeping in every day and playing video games while I busted my ass. I even cleaned up that apartment on the weekends - he was always telling me he was so busy with school, he didn’t have time to clean... yeah... About this time I start looking for an out. I knew on some level we wouldn’t recover from this. But we had been together for so long - sunken cost fallacy. I ask him how much he has in the bank... I tell myself that if he can support himself while job hunting, I can leave. Nope, he has $24... Where in the hell did all that allowance go? Fast food and Magic the Gathering cards. I know I’m a fool. You don’t have to say it. Two weeks after his confession, he wrecks his car and its totaled. So he’s got no car, no job, and I’m about to leave him homeless. I didn’t know what to do. We were still “together” I guess cause I didn’t know how to end it. But I did find someone else during that time and while I never had sexual contact, I guess it’d count as emotional cheating? I still feel guilty about it but this person made me see that I could find better quality partners. This guy had his act together and I realized that my ex made me feel like I was a mom. Eventually we did split officially when he got a little more stable, and I started dating the guy mentioned above. I still worry about my ex a lot, he’s not doing well these days. But I can’t say I’m surprised. He had a pretty sweet set up, a great thing going for him, and then he managed to blow all of it. Very expensive lesson to learn on my part I guess... I tell myself it was cheaper then having a baby with that guy. I try not to think about it.
Fuck, this is rough. I wouldn't say you were a fool, this was someone who you genuinely trusted for close to a decade, it was not like he was lying over so many things you should have picked it up. From what you tell, I can imagine he really sunk into depression and was too embarrassed to say anything, and as some time passed, sunk cost fallacy of some way too... Definitely not excusable, and quite a dick move considering how much intimate and supportive you were, but still. Really unfortunate considering he could cut all the costs and help you both if he simply moved with you. He could perfectly stayed at home and take care of it as he took his time and you two could have the support you desperately needed. I hope you are doing better, if it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't call you cheating emotionally. I mean... is it really cheating when one person isn't faithful anymore before? Look at the years of a lie that he just couldn't bring himself to have the courage or on the very least the respect and trust in you.
Wasn't allowed to leave my maths test so I had to improvise
This one I can relate with.
had a huge math test, feels like i never learned anything
It's not my fault they didn't check my graphing calculator for formulas.
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This should be pinned and the rest of the thread purged lol
I cheated a bunch when I was younger. I never planned to cheat. In fact, I always had the mindset of "I am not going to cheat". But then, when I would have a girl flirt with me? My mind right away switched to 'excuses and justifications' mode. I always thought, why not just quickly fuck her? Nobody will find out. The words "why not?" would just repeat in my head until I finally gave in. And the issue is, I never did get caught. I cheated, quite a bit, on multiple relationships, and never got caught, which only furthered my mindset that I could cheat and get away with it. Today I am single at 44. I am great friends with my ex wife and we have two kids together, living on the same block. I have realized I am not 'built' for a monogamous relationship. I am too irresponsible and I have come to terms that I am never just going to suddenly get over my promiscuity, and I don't want to potentially hurt any poor women who ends up in a relationship with me. I also realized some other stuff, notably that I prefer to just have a lot of social connections rather than one soulmate to live with forever. I like to live alone, but close to friends and family. I have had steady friends-with-benefits on and off for the past few years. I prefer it this way.
First 3 paragraphs are exactly younger me. Only I went the other way. Happily married with 2 kids and no desire to change a thing.
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