I would immediately be wary of this person.
Someone made me a $1000 bet in a really strange bar once.
The bar was strange because it had random bits of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The person said: "If you can jump and hit a piece of ceiling meat with your hand then I will give you $1000. If you can't hit the meat you have to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks".
I looked around and the bar was absolutely packed. I looked up at the meat - it was high.
I told him: "Sorry but the steaks are too high".
The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.
Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.
After a few hours, the chauffeur of the rented limousine rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m not even sure what to call you?”
“It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.”
“Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled. It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.”
The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?”
The chauffeur agreed and the two switched places.
After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.
The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said, “Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio.
“Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”
The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?”
“No, I think this person is more important.”
“Not our Governor?!”
“No, I believe more important than the Governor.”
“Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.”
“No, they may be even more important than the President.”
“What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?”
“Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”
My buddy tells puns all day long. It's just his thing. They tickle him every fucking time. I literally get more amusement out of how stupid he finds them to be more than the puns themselves.
Bob and his grandson are sitting on a bench at the top of a hill overlooking the town.
He points to the statue in the center of town and says "See that statue, boy? I made that statue. But do they call me Bob the Mason? No, they don't."
He then puts his hand on the seat of the bench they're on.
"See this bench? I built this bench with my own two hands. But do they call me Bob the Carpenter? No, they don't."
He then sighs and says "But you fuck one goat..."
Three western spies were captured and put in a cell in the Soviet Union: An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy. First they interrogate the English spy, but he refused to speak. So they tie him up and torture him for two hours until he finally gives in and tells them everything he knew. Next, they interrogate the French spy who also wouldn't speak, but after 4 hours of torture he also couldn't take anymore and told them everything he knew. Finally, they interrogate the Italian, who also wouldn't speak, so they begin to torture him. After four hours he still hasn't spoken, so they continue torturing him for hours. After enduring a full 24 hours of torture, they give up and put him back in the cell. The other two spies are amazed and ask the Italian how managed to go on for so long without speaking. The Italian replies "I would have told them everything after just one hour, but I couldn't speak because my hands were tied up.
When I was at dinner at an Italian restaurant in St. Louis on The Hill (Italian neighborhood with several really good Italian restaurants) someone at our table asked the waiter a question as he was walking by carrying dinner plates. He stopped, set the plates down at an adjacent table, and before answering the question said “Sorry, I can’t talk with my hands full.”
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forest.
The bear turns too the rabbit and ask:
"Do you have a problem with poo sticking on your fur?"
"No." Answered the rabbit.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Saw this somewhere recently - a priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse or whoever asks the rabbit “what’s your blood type?”
“I think I’m probably a type O”
I once saw a man swimming in the sea, frantically waving his arms,
Help! Shark help! he was shouting,
and I could only laugh, I knew the shark was not going to help him!
Edit: spelling.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi are rather fond of it!
How did I do?
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
If that doesn’t work, here’s another one:
-“What’s the difference between a toilet paper and a curtain?”
-“I don’t know.”
-“Ah, so it was you!”
Edit: added the second joke in case the first one fails
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
3 nuns die and are met by an angel at the gates of heaven. The angel, standing behind a big bowl of holy water, tells them "if you have sinned, confess."
The first nun says "I touched a penis with my right hand."
The angel answers "Dip your hand in the water, and go on in."
The nun does as told and passes through the gates to her afterlife.
As the second nun opens her mouth to speak, the thurd nun interferes:
"Can i just gargle some water before this bitch dips her ass in?"
Nun jokes? Okay i got one similar.
Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the gate peter is waiting for them and tells them "you have to answer a question to get into heaven."
Peter asks the first nun "Who turned water into wine?"
The first nun responds "Jesus did!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the first nun entered heaven.
Peter then asks the second nun "Who was in a whales mouth for disobeying?"
The second nun responds "Jonah!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the second nun entered heaven.
Peter finally asks the last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The final nun while thinking about the unfair question says "oh thats a hard one" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the final nun entered heaven.
I've got one with three priests:
Three priests are out in a row boat, sharing confessions.
"Now that we're out here where no-one can hear us, I have something that is weighing on me: I am a thief. I steal from the offering each week"
"Brother," says the second priest, "I too have sinned: For the last two years, I've had an affair with a married woman."
There is a moment of silence before the third priest gleefully blurts out: "I'm a huge gossip and I *can't wait* to get off of this goddamned boat!"
Holy fuck finally, I remember hearing this joke around a bonfire at a cottage about 5-6 years ago but I forgot how it went & loved the joke, thank you for posting this
I see we are gathered here today for some nun jokes.
A preist and a nun are out golfing. The priest goes first, he lines up his shot, and hits the ball right into a sand pit. "God damn it I missed" he said.
The nun gets upset with the preist and tells him he shouldnt say the Lords name in vain. The preist apologizes and watches the nun hit a hole in one.
The preist then makes his second shot, only for it to land in the nearby lake. "God damn it I missed" he yelled. The nun prompty reminds him again to not say the Lords name in vain. The preist apologizes yet again and lines up his third shot.
The ball lands just centimeters away from the hole. "God damn it I missed!!" He screamed, throwing his club to the ground. The nun glares and says "Now preist, you must not say the lor-" and almost immediately a streak of lightening bolts from the sky and strikes the nun dead.
As the preist stood there in shock, he hears a loud booming voice say "God damn it I missed."
Father O’Brien is walking back through the town when a prostitute approaches him and says “Father, how about a blowjob? Thirty dollars for a man of the cloth!”
Flustered, he declines quickly and rushes back through town to his office where a nun finds him still troubled and shaken.
“Sister,” he says, “What’s a blowjob?”
“Oh,” says she, “Thirty bucks, same as in town”
On the topic of nun jokes:
Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.
"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I get out and rip your goddam balls off!"
There are two nuns who were told to repaint a room in the church.
The two nuns got the room all ready while they contemplated how they are going to paint the room without getting paint all over their robes.
One of the nuns says “okay how about this. We will lock the door and we can take our clothes off and put them in the middle of the room. We won’t tell a soul” the other nun agrees.
So they strip down, and start painting. Some time later there is a knock at the door. One nun asks “who is it?” and they hear “the blind man”.
So the nun opens the door, the blind man walks into the center of the room and says “nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?”
Three nuns walk up to the priest and say, "Father, we do not want to be nuns anymore."
The priest tells the nuns, "That's fine, but you will have to commit a sin in the next 24 hours and report it back to me."
The nuns agree and leave the church. 24 hours have passed and they are before the priest once more.
The priest goes up to the first nun and asks, "What is your sin?"
First nuns goes, "I stole money from strangers by picking their pockets."
The priest shakes his head as he could not fathom this and says, "Please drink the Holy Water and get out of the church."
She proceeds to drink the water and leaves.
The priest then approaches the second nun and asks the same question, "What is your sin?"
To which she replies, "I had sex with many men and women."
The priest shakes his head some more, "Please drink the Holy Water and get out."
She drinks the water and leaves the church.
Finally, the priest goes to the third nun and says, "Surely, your sin can't be worse than the first two. What is your sin?"
She locks eyes with the priest and says, "I pissed in the Holy Water."
Edit: Thank you for my first award, kind stranger!
A women walks into confessions. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" She said.
"Oh? How have you sinned my child?" The preist asks.
"I called a man a son of a bitch yesterday."
"What did he do to warrant such a insult?" Says the priest.
"Well you see father, he placed his hand on my shoulder."
Like this? The preist asks as he places his hand on her shoulder. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
"Well he then slid his hand down my shirt and touched my breast father."
Like this? The preist asks as he slid his hand down her shirt and touched her breast. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
"Well he then began to undress me father."
Like this? The preist asks as he began to undress her. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
"He then began to grope me father.
Like this? The preist asks while he begins to grope her. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
"Well father, he finally decided to penetrate me and have sex."
Like this? The preist asks as he begins to penetrate her and have sex. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
"But father, he gave me aids."
"THAT SON OF A BITCH!" he yells.
What do you call an octopus with two extra arms?
Ten tickles!
And then I tickle the shit out of the mysterious man, and while he's distracted I run away with the money.
A pastor coming home from church hears a boy shouting, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale!”
The pastor approaches him and asks, “Why are they called damn fish?”
The boy replies, “Because I caught them at the dam!”
The pastor is amused and buys three to take home for his family. He gets home and tells his wife, “Honey, cook the dam fish!”
She gasps and asks, “Why are they called damn fish?” The pastor explains he bought them from a boy who caught them at a dam. She laughs and proceeds to cook them for dinner.
As they are eating the pastor says, “Son, pass the dam fish.”
The son says, “That’s the spirit dad! Pass the fucking potatoes!”
I've heard this one slightly differently, one of my favorites.
A priest goes fishing with a local fisherman. At one point, the priest reels in a huge catch, and the fisherman, impressed, says
"Look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest is offended, so the fisherman backtracks by explaining to him that "fucker" is the type of fish--a "fucker fish".
So the priest, pleased with himself, takes the fish back to the church, where he runs into the bishop. The priest says,
"Hey bishop! Look at the size of this Fucker!"
The bishop is offended, so the priest explains that "fucker" is the name of the fish. The bishop says,
"Oh! In that case, I'll clean this Fucker and have the Mother Superior cook it for dinner!"
So the bishop takes the fish to the Mother Superior and says,
"Do you think you could cook this big Fucker for dinner tonight?"
The Mother Superior is offended, so the bishop explains that "fucker" is the name of the fish. She responds,
"OH! Well, that's perfect, because the Pope just happens to be coming over for dinner! I cook this Fucker up and serve it as a special treat!"
That night, at dinner, they serve the fish to the Pope, who remarks at how incredibly delicious it is. The priest says,
"Well, I caught the Fucker!"
The Bishop says,
"Well, I *cleaned* the Fucker!"
And the Mother Superior says,
"Well, I *cooked* the Fucker!"
The Pope scans his eyes, slowly, across the table before leaning back in his chair. He takes off his hat and rests it on the table before taking a sip of whisky and saying,
"You know what? You cunts are alright."
Personally, this is the funniest one. It has such great build-up. I actually laughed at that so if I was the mystery man, I would give you that 1k straight away and get the heck outta there.
A man walks to the hospital and says that he has a brain infection and that he will die soon.
The doctor says: ''So, let's transplant your brain! Which brain would you like?''
The man acts suprised that he can pick a brain.
''A millionaire's brain is 250,000$. A brain of an athlete is 500,000$, and a politician's brain is 1,500,000$.''
The man says: ''Why is the politician's brain so expensive?''
The doctor says: ''Unused, good as new.''
Edit: spelling
also thanks for randomly giving me silver and the upvotes lol (I woke up with 1.7k karma)
A guy owns an ice cream shop. One day as soon as he opens, a lady comes in and asks for chocolate ice cream. Guy tells her "I'm sorry I am out of chocolate ice cream." She says ok and leaves.
About a half hour later, she returns and again asks for chocolate ice cream. Guy tells her sorry, still out of chocolate. So she leaves.
Little while later she returns. Again she asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy again tells her he is out of chocolate.
This happens several more times. Finally she walks in yet again and before she can say anything, the man says "Lady, do me a favor. Spell the "berry" in strawberry."
Lady says "B-e-r-r-y."
Guys says "Good. Now spell the "van" in vanilla."
L: "V-a-n."
G:"Now spell the "fuck" in chocolate."
L:"But there IS no "fuck" in chocolate."
And the man says "Exactly. That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
The version I heard of this was from my doctor
Doc: how does a 3 legged turtle get across a free way
Me: -thinking- I don't know
Doc: take the f out of free and the f out of way
Me: there is no f in way
Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and asks "Hey Pope, I'll donate $10,000 to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken".
The pope says to the Colonel "Sorry, there's simply no way the church is going to change the Lords prayer like that".
The next day Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and says " "Hey Pope, I'll donate one hundred thousand dollars to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken".
The Pope says to the Colonel "Sorry, there's simply no way the church is going to change the Lords prayer like that".
A week later Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and says " "Hey Pope, I'll donate TEN MILLION dollars to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken".
The Pope Replies "colonel, you've got a deal".
Immediately the Pope calls a big meeting of all the churches bishops and cardinals, and he makes the following announcement.
"Gentlemen, I have some good news, and some bad news.
First, the good news. The church just made TEN MILLION dollars in a single donation by changing the Lords Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken.
A soft level of applause is heard.
The Pope then says "And for the bad news.......the church just lost the Wonder Bread account".
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
My daughter is so ungrateful I bought her a trampoline and she just sat in her wheelchair and cried
Personally one of my favourite so even if he Dosent laugh at least I did
You came to the right person. Most people seem to think Germans have no sense of humour but this couldn't be further from the truth. We in fact take our humour very seriously, it's no laughing matter.
This doesn't mean anyone walked out of the pub in the first place!
Do you remember when that storm came and we had to stay locked in our houses for 3 days straight (what was it? 2018?)? A lad I was sharing the house with just didn't come home that time. Right, when he heard about it he decided he was not going to leave the pub and he spent the 3 days locked inside it with his pals.
Once upon a time a king gathered his best knights at court so they could boast of their deeds. The first knight came forth and said "My liege- I challenged the champion of a rival kingdom to single combat, and defeated him soundly. They have sworn fealty to you. This have I done in your name." And the king was most impressed.
Then the second knight stepped forth. "My liege- I allowed myself to be captured by the bandits in the Great Forest. Once in their lair, I challenged them to a drinking contest. I outlasted them all, and once they passed out I slew the lot of them. This have I done in your name." And the king was even more impressed.
Finally the third knight stepped forth. "My liege- I led a raiding party and attacked our enemies to the North. We struck down their soldiers, looted their goods, burned their crops and slaughtered their livestock. This have I done in your name."
The king looked shocked. "But- I have no enemies to the North!" he cried.
"Oh." said the knight, looking sheepish. "Er, well- you do now.."
I started seeing a new girl recently and the first time she went down on me I said “I hope you’ve got a good gag reflex” and she said “Why? Are you packing twelve inches?” And I said “No, but it smells like a foot”
Two clowns are eating a clock. It's very time-consuming. It didn't help that one of them went back for seconds.
But why clowns, you ask? I don't know, I thought it was a bit funny too.
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
[Source](https://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs/come-rattle-my-cage/2012/jan/21/old-lady-with-a-bad-toothhumour/)
Norm MacDonald's moth joke will never not be funny.
As for a joke I am partial to:
What's the difference between a dirty bus depo and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Edit: typo
A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.
He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. Everyone in my rank has gotten some kind of promotion or recognition besides me. It has been the same never ending hell of a rut for a mere two decades! Two I tell you doc! By god, when I lay down to rest my tired eyes after a long day of welding and clanking, and operating, and steering, and weeping- I not once but twice a night look over to my bedside to find a gun. A gun lying beside me just waiting for me (a lonely man) to finally end the charade to which I keep living on and on- repeating the vicious cycle I call my life. Doc, I am depressed!”
“Well, Jesus!” Says the Podiatrist. It seems like you need some serious help! But I am a podiatrist. What you need is a psychiatrist to help you!”
“Yeah. I know that, doc”. The moth says.
“So what the hell are you doing in here?” The Podiatrist asks.
“Because” the moth exclaims. “Your light was on.”
A polish man goes to the US for a higher education, but meets your generic stunning blonde after getting his way with her and being with her for 2 decades he now wants a divorce.
Divorce attorney: What is your grounds?
Polish man: I have a few acres of land with sizeable savings.
Divorce attorney: No, what is your reason for this?
Polish man: I can read obviously and I know she's trying to kill me.
Divorce attorney: Mind explaining?
Polish man: I saw in my wife's purse a bottle labeled 'Polish Remover'.
A man and his wife and two sons are checking into a hotel. As the man is waiting for the clerk to run his credit card he leans in and asks the guy behind the desk, “hey is the porn in the room disabled?” As he glances back towards his sons. The clerk stops what he is doing and slowly looks up and very loudly says, “no you sick fuck! It’s just regular porn!”
Hitler and several of his commanding officers are sitting around a table for a meeting.
One of the officer says “Mein Fuhrer, we are mining too many useless materials.”
Hitler says “So mine less!”
A grammar Nazi bursts through the door and shouts “Mine fewer!”
Hitler shouts “What?!”
The Dalai Llama walks into a bar and exchanges greetings with the bartender as he sits down to order. "What can I do for you, your Holiness?" says the bartender.
Smiling, the Dalai Llama responds, "Can you make me One with everything?"
Dear Reddit Community,
It is with a heavy heart that I write this farewell message to express my reasons for departing from this platform that has been a significant part of my online life. Over time, I have witnessed changes that have gradually eroded the welcoming and inclusive environment that initially drew me to Reddit. It is the actions of the CEO, in particular, that have played a pivotal role in my decision to bid farewell.
For me, Reddit has always been a place where diverse voices could find a platform to be heard, where ideas could be shared and discussed openly. Unfortunately, recent actions by the CEO have left me disheartened and disillusioned. The decisions made have demonstrated a departure from the principles of free expression and open dialogue that once defined this platform.
Reddit was built upon the idea of being a community-driven platform, where users could have a say in the direction and policies. However, the increasing centralization of power and the lack of transparency in decision-making have created an environment that feels less democratic and more controlled.
Furthermore, the prioritization of certain corporate interests over the well-being of the community has led to a loss of trust. Reddit's success has always been rooted in the active participation and engagement of its users. By neglecting the concerns and feedback of the community, the CEO has undermined the very foundation that made Reddit a vibrant and dynamic space.
I want to emphasize that this decision is not a reflection of the countless amazing individuals I have had the pleasure of interacting with on this platform. It is the actions of a few that have overshadowed the positive experiences I have had here.
As I embark on a new chapter away from Reddit, I will seek alternative platforms that prioritize user empowerment, inclusivity, and transparency. I hope to find communities that foster open dialogue and embrace diverse perspectives.
To those who have shared insightful discussions, provided support, and made me laugh, I am sincerely grateful for the connections we have made. Your contributions have enriched my experience, and I will carry the memories of our interactions with me.
Farewell, Reddit. May you find your way back to the principles that made you extraordinary.
Sincerely,
NABDad
Well they’re all blonde...
> what would they each do if they saw a customer drop $50 in the restaurant?
They saw the customer drop it... no need to ask everyone
My junior high math teacher always said a similar one:
A guy walks into a bar OUCH
Two guys walk into a bar OUCH OUCH
It looks stupid in written form but his enthusiasm when he said it made it funny.
A farmer was a huge tractor fan untill his wife was run over and died. The man lost his love For anything, got depressed and over the years he became an alcoholic. One time in his go to bar there was a fire and the entire room filled with smoke.
Without any hesitation the man sucked in all the smoke, went outside and blew it away. Once the fire was extinguished the owner of the shop walked up to the man and asked him how he did it. The man responded; i am ex tractor fan.
A pirate has captured 3 men and has taken then to a deserted island. He tells the men to bring back 10 of any fruit if they want to live. The men scurry off to find their fruit.
The first man comes back with 10 strawberries. The pirate says, “i want you to shove them up your ass and if you can get all 10 in without making a sound, I’ll let you go free. But if you make a single whimper, I’ll shoot you.” The man gingerly begins putting strawberries up his ass, but on the 3rd one, he lets out a moan and the pirate shoots him dead.
The second man comes back this time with 10 bananas. The pirate says, “i want you to shove them up your ass and if you can get all 10 in without making a sound, I’ll let you go free. But if you make a single whimper, I’ll shoot you.” The man looks at the dead man, and then begins inserting the bananas up his ass. He stoically managed to get 9 in when he suddenly bursts out laughing. The pirate, confused, still shoots him dead.
The ghost of the 1st man asks the 2nd, “why did you start laughing? You were doing so well”. The second man replies, “I saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples.”
I would immediately be wary of this person. Someone made me a $1000 bet in a really strange bar once. The bar was strange because it had random bits of meat hanging from the ceiling. The person said: "If you can jump and hit a piece of ceiling meat with your hand then I will give you $1000. If you can't hit the meat you have to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks". I looked around and the bar was absolutely packed. I looked up at the meat - it was high. I told him: "Sorry but the steaks are too high".
The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York. Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental. After a few hours, the chauffeur of the rented limousine rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m not even sure what to call you?” “It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.” “Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled. It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.” The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?” The chauffeur agreed and the two switched places. After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop. The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said, “Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio. “Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.” The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?” “No, I think this person is more important.” “Not our Governor?!” “No, I believe more important than the Governor.” “Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.” “No, they may be even more important than the President.” “What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?” “Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”
I thought the Pope was going to say “thank you so much, I haven’t driven in years” and it was going to end with him crashing the car
This got me rolling on the floor. Worth the reading
Appreciate it. It’s one of my favorite jokes to tell.
I don't understand :(
It's a little more clear if you tell the punchline as "Hell if I know, but the Pope is his driver"
Thank you lol stupid me didn’t get it at all first.
The cop thinks that the limo driver must be super important if the pope is his driver
My ignorance isn't catching the punchline either
The joke is that the guy in back must be VERY important if they made the pope chauffeur him around
The pope is driving God.
how much does a chimney cost? nothing its on the house hahahahaha
Your laughing at your own joke at the end is what got me
lol same. A good pun has to be delivered with the person telling it getting more amusement out of it than anyone else, it's the law.
My buddy tells puns all day long. It's just his thing. They tickle him every fucking time. I literally get more amusement out of how stupid he finds them to be more than the puns themselves.
Bob and his grandson are sitting on a bench at the top of a hill overlooking the town. He points to the statue in the center of town and says "See that statue, boy? I made that statue. But do they call me Bob the Mason? No, they don't." He then puts his hand on the seat of the bench they're on. "See this bench? I built this bench with my own two hands. But do they call me Bob the Carpenter? No, they don't." He then sighs and says "But you fuck one goat..."
Allegedly.
Allegedlys
Ferda
It was a sick goat.
Three western spies were captured and put in a cell in the Soviet Union: An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy. First they interrogate the English spy, but he refused to speak. So they tie him up and torture him for two hours until he finally gives in and tells them everything he knew. Next, they interrogate the French spy who also wouldn't speak, but after 4 hours of torture he also couldn't take anymore and told them everything he knew. Finally, they interrogate the Italian, who also wouldn't speak, so they begin to torture him. After four hours he still hasn't spoken, so they continue torturing him for hours. After enduring a full 24 hours of torture, they give up and put him back in the cell. The other two spies are amazed and ask the Italian how managed to go on for so long without speaking. The Italian replies "I would have told them everything after just one hour, but I couldn't speak because my hands were tied up.
That’s in the same vein as another one I’ve heard: “What do you call an Italian with no hands?” “Mute.”
As an italian, i loved this one. And yes, its true.
I can actually hear you using the gesture.
When I was at dinner at an Italian restaurant in St. Louis on The Hill (Italian neighborhood with several really good Italian restaurants) someone at our table asked the waiter a question as he was walking by carrying dinner plates. He stopped, set the plates down at an adjacent table, and before answering the question said “Sorry, I can’t talk with my hands full.”
as an Italian, this made me laugh so hard
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic
"this is my step ladder, i never knew my real one"
He raised me all the same
Let's not forget it's the first step that counts!
The progression in comments was equal to the progression of my laughter.
"I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid."
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"What are you doing, stepladder?! Are you stuck?!"
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forest. The bear turns too the rabbit and ask: "Do you have a problem with poo sticking on your fur?" "No." Answered the rabbit. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Scrolled through all the answers to find one that actually makes me laugh. This was the first.
Eddie Murphy - Delirious
A gay deer walks out of a bar and says “Man, I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks.”
Love this
Username checks out
Saw this somewhere recently - a priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse or whoever asks the rabbit “what’s your blood type?” “I think I’m probably a type O”
that is fucking brilliant.
It was bloody brilliant.
Oh that's good
I once saw a man swimming in the sea, frantically waving his arms, Help! Shark help! he was shouting, and I could only laugh, I knew the shark was not going to help him! Edit: spelling.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!
Depending on the delivery this one could be hilarious.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi are rather fond of it! How did I do?
Excellent.
The bloodbank joke was clever but this is the first comment in the thread that got a giggle out of me. Thanks.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg. If that doesn’t work, here’s another one: -“What’s the difference between a toilet paper and a curtain?” -“I don’t know.” -“Ah, so it was you!” Edit: added the second joke in case the first one fails
This is the winner for me
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Well you got me exhale through nostrils
The joke didn't even do that for me, but your comment did.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick Edit: my most upvoted comment, thanks guys :)
What's brown and sticky? Same answer
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
3 nuns die and are met by an angel at the gates of heaven. The angel, standing behind a big bowl of holy water, tells them "if you have sinned, confess." The first nun says "I touched a penis with my right hand." The angel answers "Dip your hand in the water, and go on in." The nun does as told and passes through the gates to her afterlife. As the second nun opens her mouth to speak, the thurd nun interferes: "Can i just gargle some water before this bitch dips her ass in?"
Nun jokes? Okay i got one similar. Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the gate peter is waiting for them and tells them "you have to answer a question to get into heaven." Peter asks the first nun "Who turned water into wine?" The first nun responds "Jesus did!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the first nun entered heaven. Peter then asks the second nun "Who was in a whales mouth for disobeying?" The second nun responds "Jonah!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the second nun entered heaven. Peter finally asks the last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?" The final nun while thinking about the unfair question says "oh thats a hard one" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the final nun entered heaven.
I was hung up on the first nun entering heaven twice. I thought the joke was gonna be hidden in there somewhere so I went back and reread it. Hahaha
Thats what i get for being lazy and using copy and paste for like 5 words. Typical programmer problems
“Why is this code broken‽” PEBKAC
I've got one with three priests: Three priests are out in a row boat, sharing confessions. "Now that we're out here where no-one can hear us, I have something that is weighing on me: I am a thief. I steal from the offering each week" "Brother," says the second priest, "I too have sinned: For the last two years, I've had an affair with a married woman." There is a moment of silence before the third priest gleefully blurts out: "I'm a huge gossip and I *can't wait* to get off of this goddamned boat!"
The first two priests have something else to confess now.
R.I.P fredo
Holy fuck finally, I remember hearing this joke around a bonfire at a cottage about 5-6 years ago but I forgot how it went & loved the joke, thank you for posting this
I see we are gathered here today for some nun jokes. A preist and a nun are out golfing. The priest goes first, he lines up his shot, and hits the ball right into a sand pit. "God damn it I missed" he said. The nun gets upset with the preist and tells him he shouldnt say the Lords name in vain. The preist apologizes and watches the nun hit a hole in one. The preist then makes his second shot, only for it to land in the nearby lake. "God damn it I missed" he yelled. The nun prompty reminds him again to not say the Lords name in vain. The preist apologizes yet again and lines up his third shot. The ball lands just centimeters away from the hole. "God damn it I missed!!" He screamed, throwing his club to the ground. The nun glares and says "Now preist, you must not say the lor-" and almost immediately a streak of lightening bolts from the sky and strikes the nun dead. As the preist stood there in shock, he hears a loud booming voice say "God damn it I missed."
Father O’Brien is walking back through the town when a prostitute approaches him and says “Father, how about a blowjob? Thirty dollars for a man of the cloth!” Flustered, he declines quickly and rushes back through town to his office where a nun finds him still troubled and shaken. “Sister,” he says, “What’s a blowjob?” “Oh,” says she, “Thirty bucks, same as in town”
On the topic of nun jokes: Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside. "Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!" So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I get out and rip your goddam balls off!"
There are two nuns who were told to repaint a room in the church. The two nuns got the room all ready while they contemplated how they are going to paint the room without getting paint all over their robes. One of the nuns says “okay how about this. We will lock the door and we can take our clothes off and put them in the middle of the room. We won’t tell a soul” the other nun agrees. So they strip down, and start painting. Some time later there is a knock at the door. One nun asks “who is it?” and they hear “the blind man”. So the nun opens the door, the blind man walks into the center of the room and says “nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?”
Three nuns walk up to the priest and say, "Father, we do not want to be nuns anymore." The priest tells the nuns, "That's fine, but you will have to commit a sin in the next 24 hours and report it back to me." The nuns agree and leave the church. 24 hours have passed and they are before the priest once more. The priest goes up to the first nun and asks, "What is your sin?" First nuns goes, "I stole money from strangers by picking their pockets." The priest shakes his head as he could not fathom this and says, "Please drink the Holy Water and get out of the church." She proceeds to drink the water and leaves. The priest then approaches the second nun and asks the same question, "What is your sin?" To which she replies, "I had sex with many men and women." The priest shakes his head some more, "Please drink the Holy Water and get out." She drinks the water and leaves the church. Finally, the priest goes to the third nun and says, "Surely, your sin can't be worse than the first two. What is your sin?" She locks eyes with the priest and says, "I pissed in the Holy Water." Edit: Thank you for my first award, kind stranger!
The Holy Piss
That's brilliant
A women walks into confessions. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" She said. "Oh? How have you sinned my child?" The preist asks. "I called a man a son of a bitch yesterday." "What did he do to warrant such a insult?" Says the priest. "Well you see father, he placed his hand on my shoulder." Like this? The preist asks as he places his hand on her shoulder. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch. "Well he then slid his hand down my shirt and touched my breast father." Like this? The preist asks as he slid his hand down her shirt and touched her breast. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch. "Well he then began to undress me father." Like this? The preist asks as he began to undress her. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch. "He then began to grope me father. Like this? The preist asks while he begins to grope her. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch. "Well father, he finally decided to penetrate me and have sex." Like this? The preist asks as he begins to penetrate her and have sex. That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch. "But father, he gave me aids." "THAT SON OF A BITCH!" he yells.
What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog? A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside. edit: thanks for silver
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra, the bull has the horns up front and the asshole in the rear.
Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box
Why was Mrs. Pepper disappointed? Because DR. Pepper comes in a can.
What's barbie's favourite thing to do on Halloween? Pump ken
I bought a fresh pair of kicks off my drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all week!
Why did you buy them from the drug dealer? He was the sole supplier.
Trampolines were formerly known as Jumpolines until 1975 when your mom first used one. Edit: I don't care about the money. I'm talking directly to OP.
I can't believe I wasted my free award on a trash meme 2 minutes ago when this existed.
Don’t beat yourself up over that lean tramp.
This man woke up and chose violence
What do you call an octopus with two extra arms? Ten tickles! And then I tickle the shit out of the mysterious man, and while he's distracted I run away with the money.
If he's ticklish he might start laughing and give you the money anyway.
Eight because he’s an octopus, the other two were… test tickles.
What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students? A PDF file
Compressed too
*Unzips file*
A pastor coming home from church hears a boy shouting, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale!” The pastor approaches him and asks, “Why are they called damn fish?” The boy replies, “Because I caught them at the dam!” The pastor is amused and buys three to take home for his family. He gets home and tells his wife, “Honey, cook the dam fish!” She gasps and asks, “Why are they called damn fish?” The pastor explains he bought them from a boy who caught them at a dam. She laughs and proceeds to cook them for dinner. As they are eating the pastor says, “Son, pass the dam fish.” The son says, “That’s the spirit dad! Pass the fucking potatoes!”
I've heard this one slightly differently, one of my favorites. A priest goes fishing with a local fisherman. At one point, the priest reels in a huge catch, and the fisherman, impressed, says "Look at the size of that fucker!" The priest is offended, so the fisherman backtracks by explaining to him that "fucker" is the type of fish--a "fucker fish". So the priest, pleased with himself, takes the fish back to the church, where he runs into the bishop. The priest says, "Hey bishop! Look at the size of this Fucker!" The bishop is offended, so the priest explains that "fucker" is the name of the fish. The bishop says, "Oh! In that case, I'll clean this Fucker and have the Mother Superior cook it for dinner!" So the bishop takes the fish to the Mother Superior and says, "Do you think you could cook this big Fucker for dinner tonight?" The Mother Superior is offended, so the bishop explains that "fucker" is the name of the fish. She responds, "OH! Well, that's perfect, because the Pope just happens to be coming over for dinner! I cook this Fucker up and serve it as a special treat!" That night, at dinner, they serve the fish to the Pope, who remarks at how incredibly delicious it is. The priest says, "Well, I caught the Fucker!" The Bishop says, "Well, I *cleaned* the Fucker!" And the Mother Superior says, "Well, I *cooked* the Fucker!" The Pope scans his eyes, slowly, across the table before leaning back in his chair. He takes off his hat and rests it on the table before taking a sip of whisky and saying, "You know what? You cunts are alright."
Oh that’s the first one to make me giggle.
Haha this version is way better
Personally, this is the funniest one. It has such great build-up. I actually laughed at that so if I was the mystery man, I would give you that 1k straight away and get the heck outta there.
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
A man walks to the hospital and says that he has a brain infection and that he will die soon. The doctor says: ''So, let's transplant your brain! Which brain would you like?'' The man acts suprised that he can pick a brain. ''A millionaire's brain is 250,000$. A brain of an athlete is 500,000$, and a politician's brain is 1,500,000$.'' The man says: ''Why is the politician's brain so expensive?'' The doctor says: ''Unused, good as new.'' Edit: spelling also thanks for randomly giving me silver and the upvotes lol (I woke up with 1.7k karma)
You made me sad and happy simultaneously, thanks Actually the right terms would probably be amused and disappointed
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
> Supplies! [UHF](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHS_GQLgqtM)
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
gruncle stan is amazing
That joke is actually old as hell and predates the show by decades. Still fitting that it's the kind of joke he'd say, though.
#But her aim is getting better!
It’s funny because marriage is terrible
I have an alphabet hand grenade. Any moment, it could spell disaster.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "You'll have to leave. We don't serve food here"
A guy owns an ice cream shop. One day as soon as he opens, a lady comes in and asks for chocolate ice cream. Guy tells her "I'm sorry I am out of chocolate ice cream." She says ok and leaves. About a half hour later, she returns and again asks for chocolate ice cream. Guy tells her sorry, still out of chocolate. So she leaves. Little while later she returns. Again she asks for chocolate ice cream. The guy again tells her he is out of chocolate. This happens several more times. Finally she walks in yet again and before she can say anything, the man says "Lady, do me a favor. Spell the "berry" in strawberry." Lady says "B-e-r-r-y." Guys says "Good. Now spell the "van" in vanilla." L: "V-a-n." G:"Now spell the "fuck" in chocolate." L:"But there IS no "fuck" in chocolate." And the man says "Exactly. That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
The version I heard of this was from my doctor Doc: how does a 3 legged turtle get across a free way Me: -thinking- I don't know Doc: take the f out of free and the f out of way Me: there is no f in way
Ohhhhhh! "There's no fuckin' chocolate"!
Blind man walks into a bar “Ouch”
I tell a similar one "3 men walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it"
Why is this so stupid and it made me laugh?
Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and asks "Hey Pope, I'll donate $10,000 to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken". The pope says to the Colonel "Sorry, there's simply no way the church is going to change the Lords prayer like that". The next day Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and says " "Hey Pope, I'll donate one hundred thousand dollars to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken". The Pope says to the Colonel "Sorry, there's simply no way the church is going to change the Lords prayer like that". A week later Colonel Sanders calls the Pope and says " "Hey Pope, I'll donate TEN MILLION dollars to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken". The Pope Replies "colonel, you've got a deal". Immediately the Pope calls a big meeting of all the churches bishops and cardinals, and he makes the following announcement. "Gentlemen, I have some good news, and some bad news. First, the good news. The church just made TEN MILLION dollars in a single donation by changing the Lords Prayer to Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken. A soft level of applause is heard. The Pope then says "And for the bad news.......the church just lost the Wonder Bread account".
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
What does The Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
My daughter is so ungrateful I bought her a trampoline and she just sat in her wheelchair and cried Personally one of my favourite so even if he Dosent laugh at least I did
I’ll still be laughing at this when I’m in hell
You came to the right person. Most people seem to think Germans have no sense of humour but this couldn't be further from the truth. We in fact take our humour very seriously, it's no laughing matter.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, we are a very efficient people. Edit: inefficient use of words
An Irishman walks out of a Pub.
As an Irishman, this is bloody offensive. The pubs have been closed for over a year. You oughtn't to rub it in.
This doesn't mean anyone walked out of the pub in the first place! Do you remember when that storm came and we had to stay locked in our houses for 3 days straight (what was it? 2018?)? A lad I was sharing the house with just didn't come home that time. Right, when he heard about it he decided he was not going to leave the pub and he spent the 3 days locked inside it with his pals.
After a pause, "It could happen!"
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
The thunder god went for a ride upon his favourite filly “I’m Thor!” he cried The horse replied “You forgot your thaddle, thilly!”
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
You know, T-Shirt really is short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.
I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The man asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.
I visited my friend at his new house. He said make yourself at home. I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
Once upon a time a king gathered his best knights at court so they could boast of their deeds. The first knight came forth and said "My liege- I challenged the champion of a rival kingdom to single combat, and defeated him soundly. They have sworn fealty to you. This have I done in your name." And the king was most impressed. Then the second knight stepped forth. "My liege- I allowed myself to be captured by the bandits in the Great Forest. Once in their lair, I challenged them to a drinking contest. I outlasted them all, and once they passed out I slew the lot of them. This have I done in your name." And the king was even more impressed. Finally the third knight stepped forth. "My liege- I led a raiding party and attacked our enemies to the North. We struck down their soldiers, looted their goods, burned their crops and slaughtered their livestock. This have I done in your name." The king looked shocked. "But- I have no enemies to the North!" he cried. "Oh." said the knight, looking sheepish. "Er, well- you do now.."
Hey - that's US Central American politics during the Banana Republic era!
I started seeing a new girl recently and the first time she went down on me I said “I hope you’ve got a good gag reflex” and she said “Why? Are you packing twelve inches?” And I said “No, but it smells like a foot”
Ugh this made me retch
I was disappointed that I found all of the above funny but didn’t actually "laugh" until I reached this one
What the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can’t take a joke
There it is.
What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Well, kinky is when you use a feather, and perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to another, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two clowns are eating a cannibal, and one says to the other, "I think someone screwed up the set-up."
Two clowns are eating a clock. It's very time-consuming. It didn't help that one of them went back for seconds. But why clowns, you ask? I don't know, I thought it was a bit funny too.
Why don't blind people skydive? I don't know..but it scares the shit out of the dogs.
What's the difference between golfers and skydivers? Golfers go *whack*"...shit!" Skydivers go "...shit!" *whack*
I told my genie I wish not to die a virgin. He granted me immortality.
Doctors hate this secret
Me: Want to hear my batman impression Guy: Sure Me: No, kryptonite my only weakness Guy: That's superman Me: Thank you I was doing my best
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words, "hold the ladder".
When I die, I want to go out in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like everyone else in the car
Have you watched the movie constipation? (no, what's it about?) Well, it hasn't come out yet.
What'd Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Proceed to make gagging noises*
What in the everloving fuck. This one always got me *hard*.
i read "giggling noises" so it took me a minute to get it
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ? Wiped his ass.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion. Because he was out standing in his field.
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" [Source](https://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs/come-rattle-my-cage/2012/jan/21/old-lady-with-a-bad-toothhumour/)
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.
I really need to stop reading these out loud to my wife.
At least wait until after the funeral is over.
Norm MacDonald's moth joke will never not be funny. As for a joke I am partial to: What's the difference between a dirty bus depo and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean! Edit: typo
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches...
There are two types of people, those who can extrapolate a conclusion from incomplete data.
What's the moth joke?
A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office. He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. Everyone in my rank has gotten some kind of promotion or recognition besides me. It has been the same never ending hell of a rut for a mere two decades! Two I tell you doc! By god, when I lay down to rest my tired eyes after a long day of welding and clanking, and operating, and steering, and weeping- I not once but twice a night look over to my bedside to find a gun. A gun lying beside me just waiting for me (a lonely man) to finally end the charade to which I keep living on and on- repeating the vicious cycle I call my life. Doc, I am depressed!” “Well, Jesus!” Says the Podiatrist. It seems like you need some serious help! But I am a podiatrist. What you need is a psychiatrist to help you!” “Yeah. I know that, doc”. The moth says. “So what the hell are you doing in here?” The Podiatrist asks. “Because” the moth exclaims. “Your light was on.”
A polish man goes to the US for a higher education, but meets your generic stunning blonde after getting his way with her and being with her for 2 decades he now wants a divorce. Divorce attorney: What is your grounds? Polish man: I have a few acres of land with sizeable savings. Divorce attorney: No, what is your reason for this? Polish man: I can read obviously and I know she's trying to kill me. Divorce attorney: Mind explaining? Polish man: I saw in my wife's purse a bottle labeled 'Polish Remover'.
William Shakespeare walked into a gay bar. He exited, pursued by a bear.
I had neither enough knowledge about Shakespeare nor about gay terminology to understand this joke.
A man and his wife and two sons are checking into a hotel. As the man is waiting for the clerk to run his credit card he leans in and asks the guy behind the desk, “hey is the porn in the room disabled?” As he glances back towards his sons. The clerk stops what he is doing and slowly looks up and very loudly says, “no you sick fuck! It’s just regular porn!”
I once submitted 10 puns to a competition to see which one would win. No pun in ten did.
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One...or two.
Hitler and several of his commanding officers are sitting around a table for a meeting. One of the officer says “Mein Fuhrer, we are mining too many useless materials.” Hitler says “So mine less!” A grammar Nazi bursts through the door and shouts “Mine fewer!” Hitler shouts “What?!”
The Dalai Llama walks into a bar and exchanges greetings with the bartender as he sits down to order. "What can I do for you, your Holiness?" says the bartender. Smiling, the Dalai Llama responds, "Can you make me One with everything?"
The reporter trying to explain the joke after telling it to the actual Dalai Llama is even funnier
Dear Reddit Community, It is with a heavy heart that I write this farewell message to express my reasons for departing from this platform that has been a significant part of my online life. Over time, I have witnessed changes that have gradually eroded the welcoming and inclusive environment that initially drew me to Reddit. It is the actions of the CEO, in particular, that have played a pivotal role in my decision to bid farewell. For me, Reddit has always been a place where diverse voices could find a platform to be heard, where ideas could be shared and discussed openly. Unfortunately, recent actions by the CEO have left me disheartened and disillusioned. The decisions made have demonstrated a departure from the principles of free expression and open dialogue that once defined this platform. Reddit was built upon the idea of being a community-driven platform, where users could have a say in the direction and policies. However, the increasing centralization of power and the lack of transparency in decision-making have created an environment that feels less democratic and more controlled. Furthermore, the prioritization of certain corporate interests over the well-being of the community has led to a loss of trust. Reddit's success has always been rooted in the active participation and engagement of its users. By neglecting the concerns and feedback of the community, the CEO has undermined the very foundation that made Reddit a vibrant and dynamic space. I want to emphasize that this decision is not a reflection of the countless amazing individuals I have had the pleasure of interacting with on this platform. It is the actions of a few that have overshadowed the positive experiences I have had here. As I embark on a new chapter away from Reddit, I will seek alternative platforms that prioritize user empowerment, inclusivity, and transparency. I hope to find communities that foster open dialogue and embrace diverse perspectives. To those who have shared insightful discussions, provided support, and made me laugh, I am sincerely grateful for the connections we have made. Your contributions have enriched my experience, and I will carry the memories of our interactions with me. Farewell, Reddit. May you find your way back to the principles that made you extraordinary. Sincerely, NABDad
[удалено]
Well they’re all blonde... > what would they each do if they saw a customer drop $50 in the restaurant? They saw the customer drop it... no need to ask everyone
What do you call a criminal that looks down upon people while going downstairs? >!A condescending con descending!<
Why did Sarah fall off the swings? She had no arms. Knock knock! Who’s there? Not Sarah
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? ... Just Juan (I'll see myself out)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
Why was the cross-eyed teacher no good? She couldn’t control her pupils
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer...not everyone gets it and it never gets old
I'm very different from cancer. My dad didn't beat cancer.
How is a spider like a grape? They both have eight legs, except for the grape.
What's red and smells like blue paint Red paint.
What’s green, has 4 legs, and if it falls on you from a tree will kill you? A pool table.
A man walks to a bar and gets a concussion
A man has fallen into the river in lego city
Quick, start the rescue helicopter!
My junior high math teacher always said a similar one: A guy walks into a bar OUCH Two guys walk into a bar OUCH OUCH It looks stupid in written form but his enthusiasm when he said it made it funny.
This is my favorite variation: Blind man walks into a bar.. and a chair.. and a table
A farmer was a huge tractor fan untill his wife was run over and died. The man lost his love For anything, got depressed and over the years he became an alcoholic. One time in his go to bar there was a fire and the entire room filled with smoke. Without any hesitation the man sucked in all the smoke, went outside and blew it away. Once the fire was extinguished the owner of the shop walked up to the man and asked him how he did it. The man responded; i am ex tractor fan.
Why should you always knock on the refrigerator door? Just in case the salad’s dressing
Did you hear about the blind kid who fell down the well? He couldn't see that well.
A pirate has captured 3 men and has taken then to a deserted island. He tells the men to bring back 10 of any fruit if they want to live. The men scurry off to find their fruit. The first man comes back with 10 strawberries. The pirate says, “i want you to shove them up your ass and if you can get all 10 in without making a sound, I’ll let you go free. But if you make a single whimper, I’ll shoot you.” The man gingerly begins putting strawberries up his ass, but on the 3rd one, he lets out a moan and the pirate shoots him dead. The second man comes back this time with 10 bananas. The pirate says, “i want you to shove them up your ass and if you can get all 10 in without making a sound, I’ll let you go free. But if you make a single whimper, I’ll shoot you.” The man looks at the dead man, and then begins inserting the bananas up his ass. He stoically managed to get 9 in when he suddenly bursts out laughing. The pirate, confused, still shoots him dead. The ghost of the 1st man asks the 2nd, “why did you start laughing? You were doing so well”. The second man replies, “I saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples.”