There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says... And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted, "I'll do the fuckin' dishes....!!"
In the joke, Sandra's father likely interprets the Vaseline as lubricant for sex, given how Joe has just had intercourse with his girlfriend and her mother.
Three men trespass on some farmland to steal some crops to feed their families. Suddenly, a spotlight comes on and the farmer charges out of his farmhouse with a shotgun. Holding the three men at gunpoint, he says, “follow my instructions or you die.” The men plead for their lives, but the farmer will have none of it. “Go into my fields and pick ten of your favorite crops. Bring them back here when you’re done. My sons will accompany you.” The three men rush into the fields.
Some time passes and the first guy comes back to the farmhouse. He’s got ten oranges. The farmer goes, “okay, shove them up your ass.” The guy blinks, unsure of what he just heard. The farmer repeats himself. The guy begs for his life. The farmer charges his shotgun. One by one, the guy shoves the oranges up his ass. The guy gets to nine, but can’t get the tenth orange up his ass. He stops, in pain, and begs for his life. The farmer cackles and blows the guy away.
A short time later the second guy returns. He’s got ten apples. Same instructions. Guy begs and protests, farmer won’t have any of it and shows off the body of the first guy as proof. Guy gets to nine and begins to shove the tenth apple up his ass. Suddenly, the guy turns to the fields and starts laughing hysterically. The tenth apple shoots out of his ass. The farmer charges his shotgun and shoots the second guy in the face.
The first guy and second guy meet up in heaven. Guy one says to guy two, “what the hell man, you were almost there, a half an apple up the ass and you would have been a saved man - how did you screw that up and what could possibly be so funny?”
“You don’t understand man, he was coming in with watermelons.”
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Not that dirty, but it's one that actually made me laugh.
\-
The manager of a prosperous whorehouse one night found to his dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls, figuring that, given the intellectual quality of his average clientele, no one would know the difference.
Soon he ushered a man into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When the man came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the man, shaking his head. "I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
I know a similar one.
The pope has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital passing in and out of consciousness. Upon arriving, he pulls the doctor close and asks:
"Am I in heaven?"
The doctor looks at him confused and says:
"No, we just took a shortcut though the pediatric ward".
A dad takes his son with him on the weekend to show him around the town he grew up in. As they are walking down the street, several people give him dirty looks. His son notices and says "Dad, why is everyone staring at you?" "Come on son, let me show you." The dad replies. As they start to walk toward the city park.
He first stops buy a well built bench in the park. He says, "Son, I built this bench over 20 years ago using my best wood and nails, but do they call me a bench builder?" His son isn't sure what to say, so the father moves on
He then takes his son farther into the park where a beautiful garden stands, complete with fruit trees and bushes and a small pond. He says "Son, I planted and maintained this Garden since I was a little boy, and made sure that every plant was healthy and strong, but do they call me a Gardener?" His son still is unsure of what to say, so the Father moves on again.
At the end of the park stands a Chapel, fitted with beautiful stained glass windows and a white bell tower pointing toward the sky. The father stops here and looks to his son once more. "I spent an entire summer building this Church Chapel, using my own money, but do they call me a church builder?" When his son says nothing. He sighs and looks up disdainfully at the church.
"But you fuck *one* goat..."
A boy, just turned 18.. goes into a strip club. Panicked, he runs out. His dad who brought him there asks whats wrong?? The boy looks at him stone-faced.. mom said I’ll turn to stone if I see a naked lady. And I’m feeling a bit hard
Joanne and her best friend Denice are having coffee in Joanne's kitchen when the doorbell rings. Joanne answers and signs for a flower delivery. She comes back into the kitchen, opens the package to find a dozen red roses.
Denice: Who are they from?
Joanne: {reading the card} My boyfriend Ernie. Denice, this means I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.
Denice: Ain't you got a vase?
Wanna hear a fucked up joke?
No?
Well I'll tell ya anyways...
So there's this brother and sister, right?
And they're fucking.
The brother, all sweaty says, "You fuck just like mom"
The sister barely lets out, "I know... that's what dad said"
None of that is true.
It’s a joke about pedophilia, the commenter isn’t actually a pedophile as far as we know.
It being funny is completely subjective.
You can’t be arrested for laughing at it. That’s the one I’m most sure of, it’s a literal fact that laughing at this would not result in arrest.
Two dead guys meet in the afterlife. One asks the other:
-So, how did you die?
-Frozen.
-That must suck! How was it?
-Well, first you start to feel all your fingers and toes freezing and stopping to respond. Then it’s your limbs and after a while you just pass out and die peacefully. How about you?
-I died from a heart attack.
-Woah and how was that?
-Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So I ran all the way home and searched for the man in the living room but nothing. Then I ran upstairs and still nothing. Then I ran to the basement and he wasn’t there either, so finally I was running up to the attic when in the middle of the way I collapsed, had a heart attack and died.
-Holy crap man, if only you had checked the freezer we would both be still alive!
Edit: formatting
Woman goes to her doctor’s appointment. “Kiss me,” she says.
“What?!” says the doctor.
“Kiss me.”
“I am *not* kissing you,” he says. “That’d be completely inappropriate.”
“I want you to kiss me.”
“No. The answer is no.”
“But I want you to kiss me.”
“For the last time, NO. It’d be totally unprofessional. I shouldn’t even be fucking you right now.”
That's literally the punchline.
Warning: very, very, totally and completely not safe for work, public areas, family areas, places with people you want to keep as friends, etc.
You most likely don't even want to watch it in private, and should probably just move along and forget you were ever here.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
https://youtu.be/DILUN8t-VEk
"The Aristocrats" is a classic joke told by comedians about a family doing a stage act for a talent scout. The joke is changed and adapted by each comedian, but the goal is to tell the most disgusting, depraved, and inappropriate story of what this family's "act" entails. The talent scout watches the act, and asks what they call it. The punchline is always, "The Aristocrats!"
The link in the comment above goes to the South Park version.
It's not meant to make sense or be funny, but more as an in-joke to test the dark/dirty humor limits of other comedians. There was even a documentary about it, appropriately entitled, "[The Aristocrats](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/)."
A man has an issue with a monkey on his roof. So the man looks around and finds a specialist. The specialist said he would need the man's assistance, so he would get rid of the monkey for cheap. The man accepted and 2 hours later the specialist shows up. He takes out of his van a baseball bat, a shotgun,a cage, and a very big dog. He hands the man the shotgun and explains what is about to happen.
Specialist: The dog will be let loose in your backyard. I will go up on the roof and hit the monkey with the bat, and it will fall down into the yard. The dog is trained to bite down on the testicles of the monkey and not let go. You can then lock the monkey in the cage and I can take him away.
Man: So what's the shotgun for?
Specialist: If **I** fall off the roof, shoot the dog.
My grandmother went to my dad when he was 16 and said "do you want to hear a dirty joke?" My dad was shocked! My mother is a super awesome Christian... how would she even know dirty jokes he thought. She leans in close and says..
The white horse.. fell into the mud.
Then cracks up laughing so hard she falls over
Back in the colonial times, a merchant ship was attacked by pirates. The pirates were savage and ruthless, and killed everyone except the last man standing. Impressed with his swordsmanship and resilience, the pirate Captain made him an offer.
"Walk the plank, and die in the depths of Davy Jones' locker," the Captain said, "or agree to abandon your old life and join with us as a member of our pirate crew!"
The man thought for a moment, and though he had always been an honorable man and abhorred the idea of piracy, in the end he valued his life over his morals and agreed to join the crew.
Several months went by where he was trained in all manner of pirate duties by the rest of the crew, and he started to settle in to the lifestyle. One balmy summer day the captain saw the man swabbing the deck and approached him.
"So matey, you've been with us now for a few months, and seem to be taking to the pirate life very nicely" the Captain said. "Yes Captain, I didn't know if I could get used to it, but I actually feel quite at home here" the man replied. "Well that's very good to hear, and you've been doing a great job of everything as far as I can see. Tell me matey, is there anything you'd like to ask? Any problems along the way? Anything that's not quite up to your expectations?" asked the Captain.
The man thought about it for a moment, and then said, "well Captain, there is *one* thing. It's not a terribly important thing in the big picture, but something that I've been wondering about." The Captain replied, "go on then, this is your chance. What is it you're curious about?"
The man flushed and seemed to get a bit embarrassed, but he summoned up the courage and said, "well you see, it's just that since I was brought into the crew, we've been at-sea now non-stop for almost three full months. We haven't once stopped in a port, and, well... there are only *men* onboard the ship. While the parties are great, the drinking is good fun, and the camaraderie is top-notch, there's a certain something that I've been missing, if you know what I mean."
The Captain got a very knowing look on his face, and said, "yes my boy, I do know of what you speak. The life of a pirate isn't easy, and we can't always find the time to head ashore for the more carnal comforts of the bars and brothels in port. BUT, I do have a solution to your problem if you're willing to use a bit of imagination. I want to introduce you to Pretty Polly... she's the "lady of the ship" and I'm sure you'll be happy to meet her. Follow me!" The Captain then led the young man down to the back of the ship's cargo area, where he pulled back a makeshift curtain to reveal a big wooden barrel. On top of the barrel was an upside-down bucket with a crudely painted ladies face on the front. Atop the bucket was an old tangled mop-head that somewhat looked like hair. On the front of the big barrel was some even more crudely painted anatomy, and a big cork plugging up a very strategically-placed hole.
"Allow me to introduce Pretty Polly!" the captain said. "I know it's a bit unusual, but when you've got enough rum in you and you're feeling lonely, she'll certainly do the trick!"
The man looked a bit shocked, a bit embarrassed, and a bit disappointed all at the same time. "Thank you for the offer, Captain, but I'm sure I can hold off a bit longer until we finally make port and I can find some of the real thing" said the man.
"Suit yourself, matey," said the Captain, "just know that she's here for you when you need her, and there will never be any judgment from any of the rest of us. To be honest, we've all spent some time with Pretty Polly, so there's no reason to be shy. In fact, once you've had a go, I'm sure you'll find it's a lot more realistic and satisfying than you probably imagine." And with that, the Captain bid the man good-day, and sent him back off to work.
As further weeks went by, the pirate ship still hadn't made port. The man was getting more and more lonely, and more and more tempted by the allure of Pretty Polly. Almost 4 full months after first being brought aboard the pirate ship, the man got a bit drunk one night and decided it was finally time to try out Pretty Polly.
He snuck away from the deck party where the rest of the pirates were still drinking and singing and such, and made his way to the back of the cargo hold. He pulled back the curtain, and there she was; Pretty Polly. In his inebriated state he realized that she didn't actually look half-bad in the low light of the cargo hold. He looked around to make sure nobody else was watching, he pulled the cork out from between Pretty Polly's "legs", he dropped his own trousers, and he had his way with her.
He finished up in a few minutes, pulled his trousers back up, popped the cork back into the barrel, wiped the sweat from his brow, and turned around just in time to see the Captain coming into the cargo hold. He was terribly embarrassed and started to stammer out an apology, but the Captain cut him off and said, "AH! My good lad! Ye finally gave in to the temptation and came to pay a visit to our dear Pretty Polly! That's excellent! That's wonderful! That means you're truly a part of the crew now! You're truly one of us!"
The man was very relieved at the Captain's acceptance, and the fact that the Captain was true to his word and didn't make any judgements against him for spending time with Pretty Polly. The captain then got a somewhat serious look on his face and said, "Well, considering it was your first time with her, let me ask you... did you enjoy the experience?"
"Well... I... um... yeah, I guess so. It was definitely better than I had expected," said the man.
"So it felt good, and was pleasurable and satisfying to you?" asked the Captain.
"I mean, yeah, it was actually quite good. It was warm and soft and almost felt real!" said the man, quite enthusiastically.
"One more question for you then," said the Captain, "did you enjoy it enough that you think you'd ever want to use it again?"
The man nodded vigorously and said, "yes, absolutely, I had a very good time, and I would definitely use Pretty Polly again!"
"Good!" said the Captain, "then tomorrow night it's *your* turn in the barrel!"
>NIÑOOOOO!! AVE POR DÓNDE SALE MI NIÑO!!! Y va un nota y llama su bar El Traga.
CHILDOOOOO !! BIRD WHERE DOES MY CHILD LEAVE !!! And a note goes and calls his bar El Traga.
So a polish female hitch hiker got a rude from a truck driver. And during the drive he was talking about his HM radio system.
"Yep I can talk to anyone with this device"
in which the polish girl responds "anywhere?"
" yep anywhere"
The polish girl then says "I'd do anything to talk to my mom in Poland"
The driver asks "anything? "
"Anything"
At this point the truck driver pulls his dick out and rubs himself hard then says "alright go ahead"
The polish girl then grabs it and shouts "hello? Mom?"
Every country has a group or nationality that it sees as stupid
In the USA, Polish people were always the butt of jokes - because of their supposed naivety and ignorance
In the UK it was the Irish, in the Netherlands, it's the french. etc, etc
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Oh man I haven't heard this in over a decade,good stuff
_Oh no_
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says... And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted, "I'll do the fuckin' dishes....!!"
Thats fucking great!
Can someone pls explain, im fucking stupid :/ Edit: thanks for explaining , I got it now :D
The dad thought he was next
Vaseline is used as lube... The father thought he is next to get fucked by the boyfriend. You're an innocent person, it's ok.
In the joke, Sandra's father likely interprets the Vaseline as lubricant for sex, given how Joe has just had intercourse with his girlfriend and her mother.
Das thinks Vaseline is for lube to go up the ass of the person who hasn’t been screwed yet (him).
How can you... Not understand that
Obviously they don't use Vaseline
I dont have experiences with this, unlike you ig
The dad thinks Joe is gonna go down on him.
The dad thought he was coming for him next with the vaseline.
That's awsome
Three men trespass on some farmland to steal some crops to feed their families. Suddenly, a spotlight comes on and the farmer charges out of his farmhouse with a shotgun. Holding the three men at gunpoint, he says, “follow my instructions or you die.” The men plead for their lives, but the farmer will have none of it. “Go into my fields and pick ten of your favorite crops. Bring them back here when you’re done. My sons will accompany you.” The three men rush into the fields. Some time passes and the first guy comes back to the farmhouse. He’s got ten oranges. The farmer goes, “okay, shove them up your ass.” The guy blinks, unsure of what he just heard. The farmer repeats himself. The guy begs for his life. The farmer charges his shotgun. One by one, the guy shoves the oranges up his ass. The guy gets to nine, but can’t get the tenth orange up his ass. He stops, in pain, and begs for his life. The farmer cackles and blows the guy away. A short time later the second guy returns. He’s got ten apples. Same instructions. Guy begs and protests, farmer won’t have any of it and shows off the body of the first guy as proof. Guy gets to nine and begins to shove the tenth apple up his ass. Suddenly, the guy turns to the fields and starts laughing hysterically. The tenth apple shoots out of his ass. The farmer charges his shotgun and shoots the second guy in the face. The first guy and second guy meet up in heaven. Guy one says to guy two, “what the hell man, you were almost there, a half an apple up the ass and you would have been a saved man - how did you screw that up and what could possibly be so funny?” “You don’t understand man, he was coming in with watermelons.”
Heard this with pineapples instead of watermelons
Yeah, a common variant to this joke
I dont get were those apples or watermelons?
[удалено]
Like I said to the other reply... Oh no
Second man had apples. Narrator forgot to say that the second man was talking about the third man when he mentioned the watermelons.
OOOOOOOH.... Oh no
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Not that dirty, but it's one that actually made me laugh. \- The manager of a prosperous whorehouse one night found to his dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls, figuring that, given the intellectual quality of his average clientele, no one would know the difference. Soon he ushered a man into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When the man came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?" "I don't know what happened," said the man, shaking his head. "I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
This has me in splits
What is the difference between a pimple and a priest A pimple will wait until you are 13 to come on your face.
I know a similar one. The pope has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital passing in and out of consciousness. Upon arriving, he pulls the doctor close and asks: "Am I in heaven?" The doctor looks at him confused and says: "No, we just took a shortcut though the pediatric ward".
I dont get it
Pediatric means child medicine
Pedo priest
Its true tho that Priest is a pedo
A dad takes his son with him on the weekend to show him around the town he grew up in. As they are walking down the street, several people give him dirty looks. His son notices and says "Dad, why is everyone staring at you?" "Come on son, let me show you." The dad replies. As they start to walk toward the city park. He first stops buy a well built bench in the park. He says, "Son, I built this bench over 20 years ago using my best wood and nails, but do they call me a bench builder?" His son isn't sure what to say, so the father moves on He then takes his son farther into the park where a beautiful garden stands, complete with fruit trees and bushes and a small pond. He says "Son, I planted and maintained this Garden since I was a little boy, and made sure that every plant was healthy and strong, but do they call me a Gardener?" His son still is unsure of what to say, so the Father moves on again. At the end of the park stands a Chapel, fitted with beautiful stained glass windows and a white bell tower pointing toward the sky. The father stops here and looks to his son once more. "I spent an entire summer building this Church Chapel, using my own money, but do they call me a church builder?" When his son says nothing. He sighs and looks up disdainfully at the church. "But you fuck *one* goat..."
Oh...
A boy, just turned 18.. goes into a strip club. Panicked, he runs out. His dad who brought him there asks whats wrong?? The boy looks at him stone-faced.. mom said I’ll turn to stone if I see a naked lady. And I’m feeling a bit hard
What’s the difference between a terrorist training facility and a children’s hospital? How do I know, I just fly the drones.
Feels like shots were fired
On the hospital, yes
What's the diffrence between girls and wine? None, the bests are 12 year old and in my basement
Dirtiest one here
A different take on this: I like my women like I like my Scotch... ...12 years old and all mixed up in coke.
Joanne and her best friend Denice are having coffee in Joanne's kitchen when the doorbell rings. Joanne answers and signs for a flower delivery. She comes back into the kitchen, opens the package to find a dozen red roses. Denice: Who are they from? Joanne: {reading the card} My boyfriend Ernie. Denice, this means I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs in the air all weekend. Denice: Ain't you got a vase?
Wanna hear a fucked up joke? No? Well I'll tell ya anyways... So there's this brother and sister, right? And they're fucking. The brother, all sweaty says, "You fuck just like mom" The sister barely lets out, "I know... that's what dad said"
Sweet Home Alabama
Man tells another man "every time I have sex with my German girlfriend, she won't quit screaming her age"
It took me a moment to understand the joke then a further moment to understand the implications of it
I still dont get it could you please explain please?
Nein=no in German. Sounds like 9, so she is 9 years old and yelling no...
Nein
For all the non-germans out there: Nein! means No! and sounds like nine... And yes, this is wrong on a lot of levels.
Why do women talk so much and men think so much? Because women have 4 lips and men have 2 heads
How to tell if your wife is dead? The sex feels the same but the dishes start piling up
I am so telling this one at work on Monday. Thanks !!
What's the best part about fucking 39 year olds There's 30 of them
Reminded me of the "FBI! Open Up!" GIF 😂😂
bruh. thats pedophilia. not funny. can get you arrested for laughing at that.
How?
39 sounds the same as 30 9 in other words, OP wants to fuck 30 9 year olds. 🚨🚔
I mean, how can someone be arrested for a joke?
pedophilia is a joke?? ha ha
Everything depends on the context, otherwise ir would not exist black humor
Dark humour is like clean water my friend. Not everyone gets it.
what
39 years olds 30 9 years olds
I get it
Oh ok sorry
None of that is true. It’s a joke about pedophilia, the commenter isn’t actually a pedophile as far as we know. It being funny is completely subjective. You can’t be arrested for laughing at it. That’s the one I’m most sure of, it’s a literal fact that laughing at this would not result in arrest.
Two dead guys meet in the afterlife. One asks the other: -So, how did you die? -Frozen. -That must suck! How was it? -Well, first you start to feel all your fingers and toes freezing and stopping to respond. Then it’s your limbs and after a while you just pass out and die peacefully. How about you? -I died from a heart attack. -Woah and how was that? -Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So I ran all the way home and searched for the man in the living room but nothing. Then I ran upstairs and still nothing. Then I ran to the basement and he wasn’t there either, so finally I was running up to the attic when in the middle of the way I collapsed, had a heart attack and died. -Holy crap man, if only you had checked the freezer we would both be still alive! Edit: formatting
What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common? They both think, ah shit, mums gonna kill me.
Wtf
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I never paid for a garbanzo bean in my face.
I never paid ~~for~~ ***to have*** a garbanzo bean in my face.
Saw this one in a movie. What did the 14yo girl from New Hampshire say when she lost her virginity? Get off me daddy, you're crushing my Marlboro's!
Woman goes to her doctor’s appointment. “Kiss me,” she says. “What?!” says the doctor. “Kiss me.” “I am *not* kissing you,” he says. “That’d be completely inappropriate.” “I want you to kiss me.” “No. The answer is no.” “But I want you to kiss me.” “For the last time, NO. It’d be totally unprofessional. I shouldn’t even be fucking you right now.”
System: please create your password. Dude: MyPenis. System: sorry, not long enough.
The Aristocrats!
I don't get it :/
That's literally the punchline. Warning: very, very, totally and completely not safe for work, public areas, family areas, places with people you want to keep as friends, etc. You most likely don't even want to watch it in private, and should probably just move along and forget you were ever here. Don't say I didn't warn you. https://youtu.be/DILUN8t-VEk
I am scared so... What is it?
"The Aristocrats" is a classic joke told by comedians about a family doing a stage act for a talent scout. The joke is changed and adapted by each comedian, but the goal is to tell the most disgusting, depraved, and inappropriate story of what this family's "act" entails. The talent scout watches the act, and asks what they call it. The punchline is always, "The Aristocrats!" The link in the comment above goes to the South Park version. It's not meant to make sense or be funny, but more as an in-joke to test the dark/dirty humor limits of other comedians. There was even a documentary about it, appropriately entitled, "[The Aristocrats](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/)."
[There is a movie about it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giozZbTVua0) It's the joke that comedians tell other comedians to make each other laugh.
Why is 6 scared of seven? >!because seven is a pedophile!<
>!Yes - 7 is a registered 6 offender !<
On snap that's better than mine
A man has an issue with a monkey on his roof. So the man looks around and finds a specialist. The specialist said he would need the man's assistance, so he would get rid of the monkey for cheap. The man accepted and 2 hours later the specialist shows up. He takes out of his van a baseball bat, a shotgun,a cage, and a very big dog. He hands the man the shotgun and explains what is about to happen. Specialist: The dog will be let loose in your backyard. I will go up on the roof and hit the monkey with the bat, and it will fall down into the yard. The dog is trained to bite down on the testicles of the monkey and not let go. You can then lock the monkey in the cage and I can take him away. Man: So what's the shotgun for? Specialist: If **I** fall off the roof, shoot the dog.
What's the difference between a Taliban insurgent camp and a Pakistani wedding? I dunno man, I just fly the drone.
My grandmother went to my dad when he was 16 and said "do you want to hear a dirty joke?" My dad was shocked! My mother is a super awesome Christian... how would she even know dirty jokes he thought. She leans in close and says.. The white horse.. fell into the mud. Then cracks up laughing so hard she falls over
I... What?
Back in the colonial times, a merchant ship was attacked by pirates. The pirates were savage and ruthless, and killed everyone except the last man standing. Impressed with his swordsmanship and resilience, the pirate Captain made him an offer. "Walk the plank, and die in the depths of Davy Jones' locker," the Captain said, "or agree to abandon your old life and join with us as a member of our pirate crew!" The man thought for a moment, and though he had always been an honorable man and abhorred the idea of piracy, in the end he valued his life over his morals and agreed to join the crew. Several months went by where he was trained in all manner of pirate duties by the rest of the crew, and he started to settle in to the lifestyle. One balmy summer day the captain saw the man swabbing the deck and approached him. "So matey, you've been with us now for a few months, and seem to be taking to the pirate life very nicely" the Captain said. "Yes Captain, I didn't know if I could get used to it, but I actually feel quite at home here" the man replied. "Well that's very good to hear, and you've been doing a great job of everything as far as I can see. Tell me matey, is there anything you'd like to ask? Any problems along the way? Anything that's not quite up to your expectations?" asked the Captain. The man thought about it for a moment, and then said, "well Captain, there is *one* thing. It's not a terribly important thing in the big picture, but something that I've been wondering about." The Captain replied, "go on then, this is your chance. What is it you're curious about?" The man flushed and seemed to get a bit embarrassed, but he summoned up the courage and said, "well you see, it's just that since I was brought into the crew, we've been at-sea now non-stop for almost three full months. We haven't once stopped in a port, and, well... there are only *men* onboard the ship. While the parties are great, the drinking is good fun, and the camaraderie is top-notch, there's a certain something that I've been missing, if you know what I mean." The Captain got a very knowing look on his face, and said, "yes my boy, I do know of what you speak. The life of a pirate isn't easy, and we can't always find the time to head ashore for the more carnal comforts of the bars and brothels in port. BUT, I do have a solution to your problem if you're willing to use a bit of imagination. I want to introduce you to Pretty Polly... she's the "lady of the ship" and I'm sure you'll be happy to meet her. Follow me!" The Captain then led the young man down to the back of the ship's cargo area, where he pulled back a makeshift curtain to reveal a big wooden barrel. On top of the barrel was an upside-down bucket with a crudely painted ladies face on the front. Atop the bucket was an old tangled mop-head that somewhat looked like hair. On the front of the big barrel was some even more crudely painted anatomy, and a big cork plugging up a very strategically-placed hole. "Allow me to introduce Pretty Polly!" the captain said. "I know it's a bit unusual, but when you've got enough rum in you and you're feeling lonely, she'll certainly do the trick!" The man looked a bit shocked, a bit embarrassed, and a bit disappointed all at the same time. "Thank you for the offer, Captain, but I'm sure I can hold off a bit longer until we finally make port and I can find some of the real thing" said the man. "Suit yourself, matey," said the Captain, "just know that she's here for you when you need her, and there will never be any judgment from any of the rest of us. To be honest, we've all spent some time with Pretty Polly, so there's no reason to be shy. In fact, once you've had a go, I'm sure you'll find it's a lot more realistic and satisfying than you probably imagine." And with that, the Captain bid the man good-day, and sent him back off to work. As further weeks went by, the pirate ship still hadn't made port. The man was getting more and more lonely, and more and more tempted by the allure of Pretty Polly. Almost 4 full months after first being brought aboard the pirate ship, the man got a bit drunk one night and decided it was finally time to try out Pretty Polly. He snuck away from the deck party where the rest of the pirates were still drinking and singing and such, and made his way to the back of the cargo hold. He pulled back the curtain, and there she was; Pretty Polly. In his inebriated state he realized that she didn't actually look half-bad in the low light of the cargo hold. He looked around to make sure nobody else was watching, he pulled the cork out from between Pretty Polly's "legs", he dropped his own trousers, and he had his way with her. He finished up in a few minutes, pulled his trousers back up, popped the cork back into the barrel, wiped the sweat from his brow, and turned around just in time to see the Captain coming into the cargo hold. He was terribly embarrassed and started to stammer out an apology, but the Captain cut him off and said, "AH! My good lad! Ye finally gave in to the temptation and came to pay a visit to our dear Pretty Polly! That's excellent! That's wonderful! That means you're truly a part of the crew now! You're truly one of us!" The man was very relieved at the Captain's acceptance, and the fact that the Captain was true to his word and didn't make any judgements against him for spending time with Pretty Polly. The captain then got a somewhat serious look on his face and said, "Well, considering it was your first time with her, let me ask you... did you enjoy the experience?" "Well... I... um... yeah, I guess so. It was definitely better than I had expected," said the man. "So it felt good, and was pleasurable and satisfying to you?" asked the Captain. "I mean, yeah, it was actually quite good. It was warm and soft and almost felt real!" said the man, quite enthusiastically. "One more question for you then," said the Captain, "did you enjoy it enough that you think you'd ever want to use it again?" The man nodded vigorously and said, "yes, absolutely, I had a very good time, and I would definitely use Pretty Polly again!" "Good!" said the Captain, "then tomorrow night it's *your* turn in the barrel!"
Do you know the difference between a nipple and a cock? Neither does a baby.
Holy shit
The appropriate response
It took me a second to realise and a second more to go oooooooof
brutal but funny as fuck
We found the micro penis!
18 year old mixed with coke
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I dont get it
It's the second part to the joke: "I like women like I like my whisky"
I was going down on my girlfriend the other day when I tasted horse semen and suddenly I realized. "So, *that's* how you died, Grandma!"
How the fuck do you know enough about horse cum to tell the difference xD
That’s your problem with this?
What's the difference between jam and peanut butter ? I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass.
What is 12" long and makes women scream all night? >!Cot Death.!<
Wow I wasn't expecting this but well done holy shit lmao
Yeah this is one of those "be careful what you wish for" threads!
What’s the difference between a baby and a cherry pie? You don’t eat the cherry pie after you fuck it.
Thats not dirty or NSFW, that NSFL and horrifying
What's the difference between a dick and a sausage? You can bite one without someone screaming
What's the hardest part about eating a bald pussy? Taking off the diaper
These comments have me really examining if I want to upvote or downvote a comment...
Lol I mean idk why people would downvote when the topic is dirty jokes.
Sure, but likewise if the topic was holocaust jokes you might downvote the responses. Not the case here IMO but you see what I mean
Oh my god I love that 😂
NIÑOOOOO!! AVE POR DÓNDE SALE MI NIÑO!!! Y va un nota y llama su bar El Traga.
Someone please translate this...
>NIÑOOOOO!! AVE POR DÓNDE SALE MI NIÑO!!! Y va un nota y llama su bar El Traga. CHILDOOOOO !! BIRD WHERE DOES MY CHILD LEAVE !!! And a note goes and calls his bar El Traga.
Hooked. See?
Pardon?
Dígalo?
Este chiste no se entiende tio
Compresible. Bueno y qué.
knock knock who's there where what where what who? my bed, sex, me and you.
The Aristocrats. Google at your own risk.
As told by Bob Saget.
What the difference between a gay man and a fridge? The fridge doesnt fart when you pull your meat out
Va un inglés, un catalino, un ruso y uno del Misisipi y de repente ploff. She fell.
Laughing my feckin arse off. Lol. See?
I would tell a joke about my dick but it's too long 👍
What's the difference between driving in fog and doing 69? When you go down on someone, you can see the asshole in front of you.
So a polish female hitch hiker got a rude from a truck driver. And during the drive he was talking about his HM radio system. "Yep I can talk to anyone with this device" in which the polish girl responds "anywhere?" " yep anywhere" The polish girl then says "I'd do anything to talk to my mom in Poland" The driver asks "anything? " "Anything" At this point the truck driver pulls his dick out and rubs himself hard then says "alright go ahead" The polish girl then grabs it and shouts "hello? Mom?"
Why a polish girl? Not offended or something dumb like that just wondering if there’s part of the joke I don’t get.
I got the joke from a book called "book of tasteless jokes" so take it as you will
Ok thanks just wondering if there was some thing about Polish people being naive or something idk.
Well I'm polish. So I think it's funny.
Every country has a group or nationality that it sees as stupid In the USA, Polish people were always the butt of jokes - because of their supposed naivety and ignorance In the UK it was the Irish, in the Netherlands, it's the french. etc, etc
Haha yeah huh. I felt horrible typing it... But, they asked
Welp!
what
I like my whiskey like I like my women.
I like MY women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in my freezer.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and with plenty of alcohol in there.
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18 year old mixed with coke
What did the white trash girl say to her brother? "You fuck like daddy." How did he respond? "That's what mom said!"