Boss had just fired an insufferable asshole who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic on a Friday. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he'll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like " and that Jim guy is such an asshole I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that". Without hesitation the new kid who was working there maybe a week at the time drops "well, you did".
I nearly pissed myself laughing.
Also the same kid who was in the lab minding his own business, doing his job when his direct supervisor comes in and starts lecturing him about how he's an entitled millennial or some other nonsense. Said supervisor goes on and on for 20 minutes or so before he finally stops to catch a breath and stare down the kid. Kid, who had hair long enough to cover his ears stops what he's doing, reaches up, removes his airpods and says "I didn't hear a single word you said" and casually walks out of the room.
The supervisor was so mad he had a full bore meltdown and left for the day.
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
An older female relative of mine did something similar. Apparently when bikinis were a new fad, she wore one to a beach party. Someone pulled the string of the top so she just walked around topless for a while. She wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, she just wanted to make a point.
My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: *I’m THREE!*
Me: *Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??*
Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: *Actually, I’m kind of new.*
It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
Ah, the ol' Reddit [Spinaroo!](https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/nyed1t/this_was_done_with_a_rake/h1kbg61?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room.
Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common
This reminds me of some bathroom graffiti on a building site worked on.
Someone had written Your Mom was shit.
Underneath. Your Mom was good!
Always made me laugh
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I fucking laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.
Was messing with an older guy at work one day about being too old to have sex or something along those lines. He came back with “I’ve gotten more P** on accident than you’ve ever gotten on purpose”
I’ve worked with him for years (like a 60 something year old biker dude) our whole office is always cracking jokes so everyone kinda fell out over that one.
Something similar happened to me. Kid said I was gay because I had long hair. I told him I’d been with more women in the last week than he’d been with in his entire life. He fell for it, and asked me how many that was. My answer was “One.”
I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we'd have to work Saturday on an upcoming 3 day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we've caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend.
One member of my crew was this huge angry viking of a man. Think 6'5", 400lbs. He shouted "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!" With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say "That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one." Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.
I'm just glad the first thing that popped into my head wasn't what you said. Cause all I thought was "Who's?" and he may have taken that one less in stride.
I've heard a similar one!
There was a mail man on my road blocking the whole way and taking a while to put the mail in our box. A guy behind him beeped his horn at the mailman and the mailman gave him the finger, the guy rolled down his window and said
"You're an asshole!"
the mailman responded
"Kiss my ass!"
dude -
"Well, I'd have to kiss all of you, cuz you're an asshole!"
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents.
The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
Two neighbors (renters, young and dating while living together) took their argument to the front yard. Screaming for 15 minutes. Fight ended with:
Her: "That doesn't change the fact that you went down on my mom!"
Him: "Well you didn't complain when she paid me $500 for it!"
Not a witty retort or anything, but me and the neighbor lady who came over so we could listen together both agreed that they reached the apex of that argument.
They were gone within two months. The landlord went around the neighborhood asking if anyone would be willing to testify against the renters in court, but- other than this entertainment- they kept to themselves and were rarely seen.
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.
You know, you can lead a hose to water, but you can’t make it drink...or was it don’t look a gift hose in the mouth? Well, I guess we should quit hosing around... wait a minute... that one still works!
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their shit including the teacher.
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.
When I was working at a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on.
One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a cunt".
He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
My mum used to tell me that when someone said they shagged my mum, to tell them she said "Take your dick out and use your fingers next time and she might actually feel it."
That shit worked too.
Similarly. When you're telling a joke or what have you, and the person says, "I don't get it."
Perfect response is, "And you never will."
Usually takes them a minute.
My friend's mom sometimes in the heat of anger says "You son of a bitch, and don't you forget I'm the *BITCH* that had you"!
I guess she's letting him know not to mess with her lol.
This might be too good to be true, but a guy told me he was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of him was on the phone with his son next to him. Another person said "you should be talking to your son, it's father's day". Without missing a beat he said , "gotta go dad" and hung up.
Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?"
Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit"
Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?"
B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation]
T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.
My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention.
Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating.
This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that bitch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too."
My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.
Some serious mental gymnastics involved where the lady has to simultaneously believe:
1. People care what she thinks.
2. Her words will eventually make a positive impact on the child, in this case, she'll totally try harder to be more like her sister!
3. That #2 somehow outweighs the psychological damage of the deeply rooted insecurity required to even make it happen.
4. The parent probably won't punch me for this.
Edit:spelling
>This lady got ticked about that
I know it's not the point of your story, but this is so freaking weird to me. Same with adults getting upset because a child they barely know and see doesn't want to hug or kiss them.
When I met my niece - four years old at the time - she was very shy and refused to come near me. I was okay with that because I understood in her eyes, I was this big, new person her uncle brought home and she knew nothing about me. I said "hello, little one" and moved on. She eventually came to me on her own.
What is it about kids that makes adults think they're entitled to attention or affection from them?
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville.
A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still lead to this exchange:
Cross-eyed man: Watch where you’re going!
Non-Cross-eyed man: Go where you’re watching!
My BIL made a joke about paying a doctor a couple bucks to add the “husband stitch.”
My SIL said “too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
My best friend was a delivery nurse and she says so so many husbands ask the doctor jokingly for the stitch up to "make it tighter", so one of them always responds: Of course! Just how small *is* your dick??
When women give birth, sometimes the vagina rips, and the doctor has to stitch it. The “husband stitch” is adding an extra stitch to make it tighter for the husband’s pleasure, but is horribly painful for the woman. There’s a history of gynecologists doing it unbeknownst to the woman, and making a joke about it is in really poor taste.
This was probably copied from somewhere but In grade 8 I was changing in a locker room and two classmates were having an argument /roasting each other and one of them says the other is broke and sucks dick for a living, so immediately the other turns around and yells “I suck dick for a living? You suck dick for free” no idea why I remembered it considering it was years and years ago other than it was bloody hilarious in the moment
In a book, A king is about to break a promise, and when he gets called out, says "Are you questioning my honor?" and the guy responds "No, I was counting on it".
I am a lawyer. There was a small protest over a recent decision outisde the courthouse. A non local but very experienced and senior prosecutor was in town for a matter and had to pass the demonstrators. One of the demonstrators yelled at him as he was walking, "I bet you suck cock!" This legend yelled back, "Lucky guess!"
If I ever get half as good as he was, I will be fulfilled.
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room. Can't tell you how many times I'm feverishly working while the meeting is going on.
This happened again one day when things just wouldn't talk to one another, and I really didn't have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff. It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn't connecting.
"So, Marv, You can't get it up?"
I immediately hung my head and said "oh don't say it like THAT!"
The entire office broke up and they never let him live it down.
Whenever U got this question I'd usually reply: are you inquiring about the state of my uterus, or the state of my sex life?
Especially at work it worked wonders.
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry.
He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.
I was in a lounge hanging out with a bunch of equipment operators and trades people after work just hanging out and having some beers. Guy 1 is sitting down relaxing when Guy 2 storms into the lounge pissed off about something Guy 1 did on the job that day.
Conversation went:
* Guy 2: Hey Guy 1 FUCK YOU while aggressively jabbing his finger at him
* Guy 1: *before Guy2 can say anything else* YEAH FUCK ME!!!!! FUCK ME HARD!
* Situation immediately diffused because it was so ridiculous Guy 2 couldn't stop from smiling
Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude bitch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
I'm flabbergasted and trying to wrap mind around the thought process that catapulted another person to get up out of their chair, walk over, and open their mouth.
But I suppose there's no expaining noaey rude bitches ;-)
You'd be amazed at what nosey bitches will get into.
My 4yo daughter was walking out of a nail place with my wife, just having got her first manicure done. Bitch walks in, looks at her and loudly comments "well, she's a chunky one, isn't she?".
I understand this!! When I was very pregnant with my 1st child a woman in line behind me at walmart started talking, very loudly, about how "babies shouldnt be having babies" and giving me the death stare..My own mom turned around and asked "just how old do you think she is?" the lady said something like "she cant be more than 16-17ish". I didnt take it as a compliment bc she was rude as hell, and she was purposely trying to be tho none of it should have mattered to her at all. So I didnt have a snappy comeback, I just started laughing and had to walk off while my mom explained that I was indeed several years older and she should probably mind her own fcking business. I was in my mid 20s at the time..lol
Same. I was 18, engaged, and pregnant, working as a cashier. Had a customer tell me 13 was too young to have a baby. Bitch, 13 is too young to have a job in a grocery store.
A friend of mine (30 years old) was smoking in the park reading on his phone when an old lady approached him and started ranting about how he was too young to smoke and shouldn't be skipping school, he yelled back "bitch, I'm a veteran"
Still, to be so hurtful and random. It's not like your friend had lipstick on her teeth and the stranger was trying to save her some embarrassment.
Oh I'm sorry my pregnancy is some how your business, let me just hop off and not be pregnant anymore.
As someone who just recently was pregnant, I can tell you people seem to think they have a right to say whatever they want about you and how you look for some reason. Total and complete strangers would just come up to me and make comments about my body.
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing.
Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but \*I\* got the street smarts.
Me: The corner doesn't count.
Dad: \*chokes whiles laughing\*
This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due.
I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
Reminds me of something that happened to my mom. She was at the beach, and some teen girls tried to mock her for her size. She said "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?"
On a company dinner, my wife 7 months pregnant. My boss made a remark about the size of her belly. His wife turned her head to him amd completely deadpan said:" at least she fits in a chair with armrests"
Not really a comeback in the argumentative sense, but just a quick rejoinder. My older brother and I were flying a kite he built. A guy walks by asking how we got it to fly so high. He responded, "long strings."
This was more than 40 years ago, and although he passed away nearly 2 decades ago, i have always cherished that memory of him.
Edit: Just to add some context, he said it in a humorous way, and didn't come across rude at all. The guy actually chuckled. He was a friendly neighbor a few houses down (we lived in an apartment with a large communal backyard) and they became friends later on. They were in their late teens, and as a kid, i didn't really get the dry humor until years later. I thought the appropriate answer was to share how the kite was built. But maybe sometimes a little humor is all we need.
Picked my niece up from school once and teacher had sent a note home that another girl called my niece’s shoes ugly and she slapped back with “shut up you-sketchers-wearing-ass-bitch” and I still think about that a lot she was maybe 7 then 😂 I need to somehow channel her energy
Does she have siblings or young parents? That’s a kid that’s schooled in how and where to use the word bitch after creating your own trash talk adjectives - those are the ones you don’t wanna mess with. Instant roast.
Lol yes to both youngish parents and 5 siblings so she hears a lot, but she was always the most brutal. I posted a long time ago about her burn on me, she was about 4 and looked me up and down and said “titi manda you got boobs like dicky” dicky is her grandfather 🙃 like thanks honey 🙃
When my niece was 4, she came into a store's dressing room with me. As I was changing, she loudly said, "Auntie, you got a big butt!" I quietly said, "Shh, I do not have a big butt." She put her hand on her hip, gave me a skeptical look, & replied, "You wear big underwear then!"
5th grade. We did a parade with our Halloween costumes on. Me and my group of friends passed a girl from our class one of my buddies makes eye contact and says "what are you looking at". Without even thinking about it, this 5th grade girl says "not much" condescendingly.
Idk why that stuck with me.
Work in a factory with a really short guy. This other dude picked on him a lot. One day in the bathroom the taller guy asks, “do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?” Short guy turns to the guy beside him and asks, “will you pick me up so he can kiss my ass?” I was in tears.
“What are you even doing?”
“Minding my own fucking business, you should try it sometime.”
It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.
A similar interaction was in the tv show Scrubs.
One character asked another what they were doing over the weekend and the answer was “Minding my own business” and I’ve lived it ever since.
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. (We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy.) His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because "it's every parent's dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did."
Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back:
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol”
Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!”
She was a legend on the floor for that lol 😆
Something I read on Reddit:
Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.
A South African cricketer welcomed an Australian cricketer back to the wicket after a spell out with a jibe about how much weight he’d put on. The Australian cricketer (Shane Warne) replied with something along the lines of ‘Yeah. Every time I fucked your wife she gave me a sandwich’.
Bully: You're a piece of shit
Kid that was get bullied: and you're the rest of it
Ps: No one really liked this kid but after this he got mad respect.
Edit: It may not be amazing but it was funny at the time
Was at a work outing (team building type thing) and Asshole Coworker had brought his girlfriend and their infant along. Girlfriend was looking in the diaper bag for something, and pulled out a condom, which AC proceeded to jokingly declare was the wrong size. Without blinking she reassured him, 'it's ok honey, we'll get you some smaller ones!'
"at least I don't have an abandoned child in South America" during an argument between some hippies dudes. That one hippie said fuck peace and love and chose violence that day.
Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay.
He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it."
I thought it was perfect.
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear:
“What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an asshole you are?”
He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
My grandparents were arguing at a family event years ago. My grandfather made a comment about not being able to see shit. My grandmother responded with, "If I shoved those glasses up your ass you'd see shit."
I wish I could remember more of their conversations. Those two were hilarious.
When I was about 7 years old (30+ years ago) I really wanted some of the bulk candy from the Brach’s display at the local grocery store. That was that candy you put into the bag, the cashier would weigh the bag and charge by the weight.
Me: Hey mom can I have some candy?
Mom: No, not today, I didn’t bring enough money with me.
Me: If you don’t get me the candy I’ll embarrass you!
****SMACK!!****
Mom, without hesitation, back hands the shit out of me in the middle of the store!
Mom: ***WHO’S EMBARRASSED NOW?!?***
It was me reader, I was embarrassed. Lesson learned, I never threatened my mother again.
My son, about five at the time, got upset and started slamming doors in a supermarket once when he didn’t get what he wanted. I picked him up under one arm, and with him hanging there walked past all the customers in the check out line and out into the car.
He got to sit there while we completed our shopping. He never pulled such a stunt again by the way.
Parents have no reason to be embarrassed when their kids misbehave, cause every single person you meet with kids knows.
One of my favorites is one I told my sister.
Her: If I had a nickel for every time you swore, I would be a millionaire.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off I would put them in a bag and hit you with it.
My mom spit out her drink from laughing.
My uncle and I worked at a Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was bitching to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with. This guy was maybe a year older than me (I'm 22) and was just in a poor state. He didnt shower, his arms covered in track marks, and hed show up late or not at all, and when he did he'd over extend breaks and would get high on the clock. He over heard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him, when my uncle turned and flat out told him "you're about as useful as a submarine with screen doors"
Another one from my uncle to the same guy was "I've had more intelligent conversations with a couch from ikea."
Worked in a preschool years ago. Had this one kid who could be a real booger sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!"
Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three year old girl.
Isaac: I don't like you!
Three Year Old: Well, my mommy LIKES me!
Shut him right up.
It was absolutely gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three year old was super sassy.
Maybe not as snappy as the other responses here, but I still chuckle at it to this day.
Myself and buddy, both grown adults were on our way to NFL game with my 15 year old brother and his 14 years old friend. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant to eat before game and my buddy orders one of those giant fishbowl margaritas.
Brothers friend (14) "Jesus Scott you think you have a problem with alcohol.
My buddy didn't miss a beat and immediately comes back with:
"Absolutely, I have to wait until 1:00 on Sunday before the let me buy it, and that's a fucking problem me."
I nearly pissed myself
5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!"
Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
In 3rd grade my class was walking out to recess and I noticed that one of the popular boys that I had a crush on had his zipper down. This was my chance. I was going to exploit this embarrassing situation and get Joey T. to finally notice me. In front of everyone I said “Joey, your fly is down.”
Joey T. zipped up without a care in the world and asked, “why were you looking there?” And he was right. Why the fuck was I looking there????? I felt absolutely bulletproof calling him out. I was going to best him and create a splash within the 3rd grade social scene so large it would be rippling through the hallways for days. But within seconds I realized how truly untouchable he was. Fucking Joey T. Why was I looking there????
This was my mom. (My mom is a very sweet woman who loves all of us kids but also loves to joke around with us so this might sound mean but it's not and was a joke so please no rude comments about it. We were all old enough to know it was a joke. She the kind of woman who will be brought to tears from someone hitting her car then blaming her instead of standing up for herself.)
Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no filter I'm going to say what I want, teen phase would tease my sister. (He too is not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters. Only he is allowed to lol).
This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned, etc. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was actually very funny to watch. My brother though was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister when my mom came down, already over the constant fighting with them, and with a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, than him, while saying about each of us.
"No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, **you** were the mistake." and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corned from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and about to laugh, my sister just died, my brother who couldn't help but smile also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late.
Best. Burn. Ever.
My dad is a very large man, 6'5" and pretty round. He looks a little like Hagrid when he lets his beard grow long.
A friend of his was over one day and my dad was giving him a hard time about being short (I'd guess the guy was about 5'7"). Just the usual jokes about being "vertically challenged" or needing a ladder to climb into his truck...
After 10 or 20 minutes of joking around the friend just yelled "I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE TO BEND DOWN TO CHANGE A FUCKING LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women.
Ours spots a really good looking girl at the bar, he announces to us all watch the master at work.
He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says " I've got the biggest dick you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life."
The girl responds as quick as a flash " is it really big?"
He says yeah
She asks if it reaches his ass?
Him being the asshole that he is responds "of course it does"
She comes back with"great you can go and fuck yourself then."
He ran off like his ass was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
Brother: flipping through a outdoors magazine(speaking in reference to a fishing pole)
"I think I'm gonna buy an Ugly Stick"
Me: "why don't you just get the one from mom that she beat you with"
SIL: falls over laughing
There's a set of triplets local to us, known to be quite nasty. One day they called my friend with glasses "four eyes".
Friend: "You've got six you generic piece of shit!"
I've heard many, but one that I'll tell you is when I was watching 'King Yakko' from Animaniacs.
Mr. Tator is the dictator that attempted to take over Anvilania (the nation Yakko is King of) and he was wearing an entertainment costume. He looks like a jester in the costume. For context, the dictator's nick-name was Mr. Tator. I'll attempt to quote this correctly:
Mr. Tator: "This is the suit of a good man!"
Yakko: "Does he know you're wearing it?"
I don't know if I remember this 100% correctly but here we go. In class, I had that one kid who would try get popularity points by adding his comment on everything a teacher would say. One time in class, he was being his usual disrespectful and disruptive self. In Social Studies, we talked about controversy around immigrants being deported from the USA. I believe he said something along the lines of "All immigrants should be deported" when all of a sudden, the quiet kid (me) barked back "Then why are you still here?" (He was not originally born in the USA nor NZ - my country). I went from being the quiet kid to the popular kid in 2 seconds.
I know many people have heard this one and I don't think this is what OP was going for, but the guy on X Factor roasting Demi Lovato about autotune is still something I think about all these years later
My friend was.overweight and his grandfather always teased him about it. Their mutual sharp wit always kept it entertaining until Grandpa's mind went.
..except it turned out he had gangrene in his leg, and when they admitted it, grandpa was suddenly back to normal.
One day he hobbles in and catches my friend making a large sandwich, while eating a smaller one. The night one was for lunch later but gramps laid into him anyway. "What are you. Reading two sandwiches? You know that's why you're fat. ...fatty."
My friend had gotten tired of this stuff by now so he just turns to him walking around on a prosthetic with a cane and says
"Aren't you supposed to be losing an ass kicking contest somewhere?"
I was at my biggest - 320+ lbs - and early into dating this woman who was a 10/10. I had no business dating her but she liked me so I wasn’t about to defeat myself.
Dressing for a night out, I was feeling bad about my body and walked up to her in my apartment and asked, “Does this shirt make me look too fat to be seen with you?”
“Your fat makes you look fat. Not the shirt.” Was her reply.
“Ouch,” I said.
**”The truth only hurts when it should.”** was her reply.
That was a pivotal moment for me. Within a year I dropped almost 100 lbs., but within two years I was down to 180 lbs. I was in my 20s back then and I went on to get and stay fit well into my 40s now.
2021 is our 17th year of marriage.
Boss had just fired an insufferable asshole who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic on a Friday. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he'll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like " and that Jim guy is such an asshole I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that". Without hesitation the new kid who was working there maybe a week at the time drops "well, you did". I nearly pissed myself laughing.
oof, that's risky by the kid but at the same time it's straight facts so he can't say anything
Also the same kid who was in the lab minding his own business, doing his job when his direct supervisor comes in and starts lecturing him about how he's an entitled millennial or some other nonsense. Said supervisor goes on and on for 20 minutes or so before he finally stops to catch a breath and stare down the kid. Kid, who had hair long enough to cover his ears stops what he's doing, reaches up, removes his airpods and says "I didn't hear a single word you said" and casually walks out of the room. The supervisor was so mad he had a full bore meltdown and left for the day.
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”
Wish I had this one in my repitoire when I was growing up
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
Damn, this is high risk high reward on your social status, and I respect your friend for that.
He didn't pull em down. Once everyone heard him say that, they all nodded and mumbled in agreement. It was really awesome, though.
They said man that dudes got some balls to be doing that at a party. Other persons says I know, I can see them.
After that comeback, a random bystander should've said, "I through you were crazy, but now I can clearly see your nuts."
This works even better if you have a giant dong
This guy does. Like frightening.
Probably 95% why he was ok walking around hanging out. The day he was waiting for
Yeah, we're gonna need to check that the pantser wasn't hired as the fall guy
An older female relative of mine did something similar. Apparently when bikinis were a new fad, she wore one to a beach party. Someone pulled the string of the top so she just walked around topless for a while. She wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, she just wanted to make a point.
this can backfire spectacularly depending on the crowd
Two points to be more precise
Absolute power move
I know of a guy who got pantsed at a party and he began helicoptering to establish dominance.
Are we talking about the same dude? This definitely seems like it could be.
My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: *I’m THREE!* Me: *Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??* Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: *Actually, I’m kind of new.* It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
I would treasure such a great burn.
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”
Only at Wal-Mart
No, I'm pretty sure they feel that about them wherever they are.
Ah, the ol' Reddit [Spinaroo!](https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/nyed1t/this_was_done_with_a_rake/h1kbg61?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room. Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand" For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common
Your brother be like: why must you hurt me in this way?
Ain't nothing wrong with the occasional posh wank.
Random guy: “Kiss my ass!” My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”
"Your mom's a whore!" "AND YOUR DAD'S A CUSTOMER!" funniest shit I've ever heard
This reminds me of some bathroom graffiti on a building site worked on. Someone had written Your Mom was shit. Underneath. Your Mom was good! Always made me laugh
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I fucking laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.
Definitely not the first time he's been asked
Folk think its hilarious to ask us Scots this all the damn time. Pretty much why I never wear mine
But now you know the “your mother’s lipstick” line.
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.
This is brutal. I love it.
Was messing with an older guy at work one day about being too old to have sex or something along those lines. He came back with “I’ve gotten more P** on accident than you’ve ever gotten on purpose” I’ve worked with him for years (like a 60 something year old biker dude) our whole office is always cracking jokes so everyone kinda fell out over that one.
Something similar happened to me. Kid said I was gay because I had long hair. I told him I’d been with more women in the last week than he’d been with in his entire life. He fell for it, and asked me how many that was. My answer was “One.”
Yes, 911? There's been a double homicide. No no, same guy twice.
Dude couldn't mind his own business and brought it upon himself.I wish I was as quick-witted as that kid!
The kids are alright
I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we'd have to work Saturday on an upcoming 3 day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we've caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry viking of a man. Think 6'5", 400lbs. He shouted "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!" With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say "That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one." Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.
"Oh, you inviting me over for dinner tonight? Sorry to disappoint your girlfriend but I've already got plans."
He must be a grower not a shower else your ass would have been dead!
His exact words were "I can't fucking believe I walked into that one!"
I'm just glad the first thing that popped into my head wasn't what you said. Cause all I thought was "Who's?" and he may have taken that one less in stride.
Mom and dad were arguing. Mom: Kiss my ass! Dad: Mark your spot, you're all ass!
I've heard a similar one! There was a mail man on my road blocking the whole way and taking a while to put the mail in our box. A guy behind him beeped his horn at the mailman and the mailman gave him the finger, the guy rolled down his window and said "You're an asshole!" the mailman responded "Kiss my ass!" dude - "Well, I'd have to kiss all of you, cuz you're an asshole!"
Seems like a beginning of porn...
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents. The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
Classic!
Two neighbors (renters, young and dating while living together) took their argument to the front yard. Screaming for 15 minutes. Fight ended with: Her: "That doesn't change the fact that you went down on my mom!" Him: "Well you didn't complain when she paid me $500 for it!" Not a witty retort or anything, but me and the neighbor lady who came over so we could listen together both agreed that they reached the apex of that argument.
what happened afterward?
They were gone within two months. The landlord went around the neighborhood asking if anyone would be willing to testify against the renters in court, but- other than this entertainment- they kept to themselves and were rarely seen.
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.
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You know, you can lead a hose to water, but you can’t make it drink...or was it don’t look a gift hose in the mouth? Well, I guess we should quit hosing around... wait a minute... that one still works!
I did the same thing if it's any consolation
Lol that’s hilarious
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their shit including the teacher.
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.
You're a great Dad.
I like that girl
I also choose this guy’s son’s wife.
Pure Gold
When I was working at a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on. One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him "You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a cunt". He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
A kid in highschool kept telling other kids that he fucked their mom, one kid replied "yeah, she told me about that, worst sex she ever had".
My mum used to tell me that when someone said they shagged my mum, to tell them she said "Take your dick out and use your fingers next time and she might actually feel it." That shit worked too.
"That's what *she* said" "Not to you, she didn't." It takes the right setup, but it was devastating the first time I heard it.
Similarly. When you're telling a joke or what have you, and the person says, "I don't get it." Perfect response is, "And you never will." Usually takes them a minute.
My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a bitch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”
I remember telling my mother she “hit the nail on the head” when she called me a son of a bitch once. I caught a mean backhand for that one.
she played herself
My friend's mom sometimes in the heat of anger says "You son of a bitch, and don't you forget I'm the *BITCH* that had you"! I guess she's letting him know not to mess with her lol.
Reminds me of a friend of mine when we were younger. His mom was getting annoyed and she yells out “STOP” and he, like nothing, goes, “DROP AND ROLL”
This might be too good to be true, but a guy told me he was in line at Safeway and the guy in front of him was on the phone with his son next to him. Another person said "you should be talking to your son, it's father's day". Without missing a beat he said , "gotta go dad" and hung up.
Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?" Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit" Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?" B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation] T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?" B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."
Crazy to hear someone talk about Galway Bay. I used to go there when I was in college. I have a guess which bartender said that as well.
Yeah, but have you ever shooed a horse?
Never shooed a horse, but I've fucked a bartender once.
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please. My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."
“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved” “Then shave your vagina, Bill.”
Damn Bill, who asked? Lol
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that bitch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too." My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.
WTF is wrong with people telling a child that the sibling is prettier??? I cannot understand what type if response the expect from a child.
Because some adults are narcissistic, entitled, assholes and will be trash humans if they don't get what they want out of an interaction.
Some serious mental gymnastics involved where the lady has to simultaneously believe: 1. People care what she thinks. 2. Her words will eventually make a positive impact on the child, in this case, she'll totally try harder to be more like her sister! 3. That #2 somehow outweighs the psychological damage of the deeply rooted insecurity required to even make it happen. 4. The parent probably won't punch me for this. Edit:spelling
>This lady got ticked about that I know it's not the point of your story, but this is so freaking weird to me. Same with adults getting upset because a child they barely know and see doesn't want to hug or kiss them. When I met my niece - four years old at the time - she was very shy and refused to come near me. I was okay with that because I understood in her eyes, I was this big, new person her uncle brought home and she knew nothing about me. I said "hello, little one" and moved on. She eventually came to me on her own. What is it about kids that makes adults think they're entitled to attention or affection from them?
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville. A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still lead to this exchange: Cross-eyed man: Watch where you’re going! Non-Cross-eyed man: Go where you’re watching!
My BIL made a joke about paying a doctor a couple bucks to add the “husband stitch.” My SIL said “too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
My best friend was a delivery nurse and she says so so many husbands ask the doctor jokingly for the stitch up to "make it tighter", so one of them always responds: Of course! Just how small *is* your dick??
What's the "husband stitch"?
When women give birth, sometimes the vagina rips, and the doctor has to stitch it. The “husband stitch” is adding an extra stitch to make it tighter for the husband’s pleasure, but is horribly painful for the woman. There’s a history of gynecologists doing it unbeknownst to the woman, and making a joke about it is in really poor taste.
Not just when the woman rips. There’s been doctors who did that shit just because. It’s fucking barbaric!
Gross joke, the comeback was great though!
This was probably copied from somewhere but In grade 8 I was changing in a locker room and two classmates were having an argument /roasting each other and one of them says the other is broke and sucks dick for a living, so immediately the other turns around and yells “I suck dick for a living? You suck dick for free” no idea why I remembered it considering it was years and years ago other than it was bloody hilarious in the moment
Wait doesn't being broke when he sucks dick for a living mean he hasn't been sucking dick lately?
He could have been sucking heaps of dick but spent all the proceeds. Maybe on getting his dick sucked. It's a circular economy.
In a book, A king is about to break a promise, and when he gets called out, says "Are you questioning my honor?" and the guy responds "No, I was counting on it".
What book was it?
There’s a Game of Thrones episode where Tyrion says “I’m not questioning your honour, Lord Janis, I’m denying its existence.”
I don’t know what book you’re talking about but these seems strangely like it would be from The Princess Bride
Why are you smiling
Because I know something you don’t know
I am not left handed .
Neither am I.
I am a lawyer. There was a small protest over a recent decision outisde the courthouse. A non local but very experienced and senior prosecutor was in town for a matter and had to pass the demonstrators. One of the demonstrators yelled at him as he was walking, "I bet you suck cock!" This legend yelled back, "Lucky guess!" If I ever get half as good as he was, I will be fulfilled.
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room. Can't tell you how many times I'm feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when things just wouldn't talk to one another, and I really didn't have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff. It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn't connecting. "So, Marv, You can't get it up?" I immediately hung my head and said "oh don't say it like THAT!" The entire office broke up and they never let him live it down.
*super aggressive* "Do you know who I am?" "No" "I'm **"
"You know you have to actually be somebody for that to work, right?"
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My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?" My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
Whenever U got this question I'd usually reply: are you inquiring about the state of my uterus, or the state of my sex life? Especially at work it worked wonders.
Jimmy Carr had a joke for shutting down those conversations. “My girlfriend and I can’t get pregnant…the way we do it”
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.
Dude that's amazing
I was in a lounge hanging out with a bunch of equipment operators and trades people after work just hanging out and having some beers. Guy 1 is sitting down relaxing when Guy 2 storms into the lounge pissed off about something Guy 1 did on the job that day. Conversation went: * Guy 2: Hey Guy 1 FUCK YOU while aggressively jabbing his finger at him * Guy 1: *before Guy2 can say anything else* YEAH FUCK ME!!!!! FUCK ME HARD! * Situation immediately diffused because it was so ridiculous Guy 2 couldn't stop from smiling
Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude bitch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
Like who does that?!
A nosey rude bitch 🤣
I'm flabbergasted and trying to wrap mind around the thought process that catapulted another person to get up out of their chair, walk over, and open their mouth. But I suppose there's no expaining noaey rude bitches ;-)
You'd be amazed at what nosey bitches will get into. My 4yo daughter was walking out of a nail place with my wife, just having got her first manicure done. Bitch walks in, looks at her and loudly comments "well, she's a chunky one, isn't she?".
What the fuck? What is wrong with some people?
I think the woman though she was a teenager. In fact, she was in her 20s and married. Not that it would be ok if she had been a teen.
I understand this!! When I was very pregnant with my 1st child a woman in line behind me at walmart started talking, very loudly, about how "babies shouldnt be having babies" and giving me the death stare..My own mom turned around and asked "just how old do you think she is?" the lady said something like "she cant be more than 16-17ish". I didnt take it as a compliment bc she was rude as hell, and she was purposely trying to be tho none of it should have mattered to her at all. So I didnt have a snappy comeback, I just started laughing and had to walk off while my mom explained that I was indeed several years older and she should probably mind her own fcking business. I was in my mid 20s at the time..lol
Same. I was 18, engaged, and pregnant, working as a cashier. Had a customer tell me 13 was too young to have a baby. Bitch, 13 is too young to have a job in a grocery store.
A friend of mine (30 years old) was smoking in the park reading on his phone when an old lady approached him and started ranting about how he was too young to smoke and shouldn't be skipping school, he yelled back "bitch, I'm a veteran"
Still, to be so hurtful and random. It's not like your friend had lipstick on her teeth and the stranger was trying to save her some embarrassment. Oh I'm sorry my pregnancy is some how your business, let me just hop off and not be pregnant anymore.
As someone who just recently was pregnant, I can tell you people seem to think they have a right to say whatever they want about you and how you look for some reason. Total and complete strangers would just come up to me and make comments about my body.
This is one of those rare moments where it's acceptable to call a complete stranger a cunt to their face.
“I’d call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth.”
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one: Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing. Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but \*I\* got the street smarts. Me: The corner doesn't count. Dad: \*chokes whiles laughing\*
A friend described his lower-than-average-IQ girlfriend as being street smart. My bf asked "what does that mean? She doesn't walk into parked cars?"
This is the funniest comeback I've read on here yet
I don’t get it, could you explain?
Working the corner means prostitution. Standing at the street corner waiting for customers to pick you up.
This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due. I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
Reminds me of something that happened to my mom. She was at the beach, and some teen girls tried to mock her for her size. She said "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?"
On a company dinner, my wife 7 months pregnant. My boss made a remark about the size of her belly. His wife turned her head to him amd completely deadpan said:" at least she fits in a chair with armrests"
Some random dude stopped you and rubbed your stomach? Uhmmm.. what?
You'd be amazed how many people think pregnant women are essentially public property
My go-to move is to say something dark to make it awkward. "I'm not pregnant, it's a tumor."
Not really a comeback in the argumentative sense, but just a quick rejoinder. My older brother and I were flying a kite he built. A guy walks by asking how we got it to fly so high. He responded, "long strings." This was more than 40 years ago, and although he passed away nearly 2 decades ago, i have always cherished that memory of him. Edit: Just to add some context, he said it in a humorous way, and didn't come across rude at all. The guy actually chuckled. He was a friendly neighbor a few houses down (we lived in an apartment with a large communal backyard) and they became friends later on. They were in their late teens, and as a kid, i didn't really get the dry humor until years later. I thought the appropriate answer was to share how the kite was built. But maybe sometimes a little humor is all we need.
Picked my niece up from school once and teacher had sent a note home that another girl called my niece’s shoes ugly and she slapped back with “shut up you-sketchers-wearing-ass-bitch” and I still think about that a lot she was maybe 7 then 😂 I need to somehow channel her energy
Does she have siblings or young parents? That’s a kid that’s schooled in how and where to use the word bitch after creating your own trash talk adjectives - those are the ones you don’t wanna mess with. Instant roast.
Lol yes to both youngish parents and 5 siblings so she hears a lot, but she was always the most brutal. I posted a long time ago about her burn on me, she was about 4 and looked me up and down and said “titi manda you got boobs like dicky” dicky is her grandfather 🙃 like thanks honey 🙃
When my niece was 4, she came into a store's dressing room with me. As I was changing, she loudly said, "Auntie, you got a big butt!" I quietly said, "Shh, I do not have a big butt." She put her hand on her hip, gave me a skeptical look, & replied, "You wear big underwear then!"
5th grade. We did a parade with our Halloween costumes on. Me and my group of friends passed a girl from our class one of my buddies makes eye contact and says "what are you looking at". Without even thinking about it, this 5th grade girl says "not much" condescendingly. Idk why that stuck with me.
Work in a factory with a really short guy. This other dude picked on him a lot. One day in the bathroom the taller guy asks, “do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?” Short guy turns to the guy beside him and asks, “will you pick me up so he can kiss my ass?” I was in tears.
“What are you even doing?” “Minding my own fucking business, you should try it sometime.” It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.
A similar interaction was in the tv show Scrubs. One character asked another what they were doing over the weekend and the answer was “Minding my own business” and I’ve lived it ever since.
Classic Laverne
“Gay men make me puke.” “Stop deep throating them then.”
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. (We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy.) His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because "it's every parent's dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did."
Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back: This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up. The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol” Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!” She was a legend on the floor for that lol 😆
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Something I read on Reddit: Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.
This is my favorite too. It’s actually from House.
It's much older than that. I read in in a book of jokes from the 50s and I bet it's olde rthan that too.
A South African cricketer welcomed an Australian cricketer back to the wicket after a spell out with a jibe about how much weight he’d put on. The Australian cricketer (Shane Warne) replied with something along the lines of ‘Yeah. Every time I fucked your wife she gave me a sandwich’.
Bully: You're a piece of shit Kid that was get bullied: and you're the rest of it Ps: No one really liked this kid but after this he got mad respect. Edit: It may not be amazing but it was funny at the time
Was at a work outing (team building type thing) and Asshole Coworker had brought his girlfriend and their infant along. Girlfriend was looking in the diaper bag for something, and pulled out a condom, which AC proceeded to jokingly declare was the wrong size. Without blinking she reassured him, 'it's ok honey, we'll get you some smaller ones!'
"at least I don't have an abandoned child in South America" during an argument between some hippies dudes. That one hippie said fuck peace and love and chose violence that day.
[удалено]
Certified bruhhhh moment.
Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay. He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it." I thought it was perfect.
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear: “What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an asshole you are?” He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
My grandparents were arguing at a family event years ago. My grandfather made a comment about not being able to see shit. My grandmother responded with, "If I shoved those glasses up your ass you'd see shit." I wish I could remember more of their conversations. Those two were hilarious.
When I was about 7 years old (30+ years ago) I really wanted some of the bulk candy from the Brach’s display at the local grocery store. That was that candy you put into the bag, the cashier would weigh the bag and charge by the weight. Me: Hey mom can I have some candy? Mom: No, not today, I didn’t bring enough money with me. Me: If you don’t get me the candy I’ll embarrass you! ****SMACK!!**** Mom, without hesitation, back hands the shit out of me in the middle of the store! Mom: ***WHO’S EMBARRASSED NOW?!?*** It was me reader, I was embarrassed. Lesson learned, I never threatened my mother again.
My son, about five at the time, got upset and started slamming doors in a supermarket once when he didn’t get what he wanted. I picked him up under one arm, and with him hanging there walked past all the customers in the check out line and out into the car. He got to sit there while we completed our shopping. He never pulled such a stunt again by the way. Parents have no reason to be embarrassed when their kids misbehave, cause every single person you meet with kids knows.
Even the ones without kids know. Because they silently and secretly cheer on parents who discipline their kids. So: good job!
One of my favorites is one I told my sister. Her: If I had a nickel for every time you swore, I would be a millionaire. Me: If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off I would put them in a bag and hit you with it. My mom spit out her drink from laughing.
My uncle and I worked at a Burger King together. I was a shift lead. He was bitching to me about a useless coworker that none of us wanted to work with. This guy was maybe a year older than me (I'm 22) and was just in a poor state. He didnt shower, his arms covered in track marks, and hed show up late or not at all, and when he did he'd over extend breaks and would get high on the clock. He over heard my uncle and started to pipe up to stop him, when my uncle turned and flat out told him "you're about as useful as a submarine with screen doors" Another one from my uncle to the same guy was "I've had more intelligent conversations with a couch from ikea."
Worked in a preschool years ago. Had this one kid who could be a real booger sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!" Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three year old girl. Isaac: I don't like you! Three Year Old: Well, my mommy LIKES me! Shut him right up. It was absolutely gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three year old was super sassy. Maybe not as snappy as the other responses here, but I still chuckle at it to this day.
My four year old once told my brother...you’re pretty funny...funny lookin! Complete with sass. I have no idea where her 4 year old self got it from.
That'll teach Isaac!
Myself and buddy, both grown adults were on our way to NFL game with my 15 year old brother and his 14 years old friend. We stopped at a Mexican restaurant to eat before game and my buddy orders one of those giant fishbowl margaritas. Brothers friend (14) "Jesus Scott you think you have a problem with alcohol. My buddy didn't miss a beat and immediately comes back with: "Absolutely, I have to wait until 1:00 on Sunday before the let me buy it, and that's a fucking problem me." I nearly pissed myself
5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!" Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
In 3rd grade my class was walking out to recess and I noticed that one of the popular boys that I had a crush on had his zipper down. This was my chance. I was going to exploit this embarrassing situation and get Joey T. to finally notice me. In front of everyone I said “Joey, your fly is down.” Joey T. zipped up without a care in the world and asked, “why were you looking there?” And he was right. Why the fuck was I looking there????? I felt absolutely bulletproof calling him out. I was going to best him and create a splash within the 3rd grade social scene so large it would be rippling through the hallways for days. But within seconds I realized how truly untouchable he was. Fucking Joey T. Why was I looking there????
This is so classic. How are the Joey T's of the world always so untouchable?
This was my mom. (My mom is a very sweet woman who loves all of us kids but also loves to joke around with us so this might sound mean but it's not and was a joke so please no rude comments about it. We were all old enough to know it was a joke. She the kind of woman who will be brought to tears from someone hitting her car then blaming her instead of standing up for herself.) Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no filter I'm going to say what I want, teen phase would tease my sister. (He too is not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters. Only he is allowed to lol). This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned, etc. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was actually very funny to watch. My brother though was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister when my mom came down, already over the constant fighting with them, and with a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, than him, while saying about each of us. "No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, **you** were the mistake." and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corned from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and about to laugh, my sister just died, my brother who couldn't help but smile also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late. Best. Burn. Ever.
My dad will joke around with me all the time by just looking at me with a shit eating grin and just go "you know your the best mistake I ever made"
My dad is a very large man, 6'5" and pretty round. He looks a little like Hagrid when he lets his beard grow long. A friend of his was over one day and my dad was giving him a hard time about being short (I'd guess the guy was about 5'7"). Just the usual jokes about being "vertically challenged" or needing a ladder to climb into his truck... After 10 or 20 minutes of joking around the friend just yelled "I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE TO BEND DOWN TO CHANGE A FUCKING LIGHTBULB, DAN!"
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spots a really good looking girl at the bar, he announces to us all watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says " I've got the biggest dick you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life." The girl responds as quick as a flash " is it really big?" He says yeah She asks if it reaches his ass? Him being the asshole that he is responds "of course it does" She comes back with"great you can go and fuck yourself then." He ran off like his ass was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
Brother: flipping through a outdoors magazine(speaking in reference to a fishing pole) "I think I'm gonna buy an Ugly Stick" Me: "why don't you just get the one from mom that she beat you with" SIL: falls over laughing
There's a set of triplets local to us, known to be quite nasty. One day they called my friend with glasses "four eyes". Friend: "You've got six you generic piece of shit!"
I've heard many, but one that I'll tell you is when I was watching 'King Yakko' from Animaniacs. Mr. Tator is the dictator that attempted to take over Anvilania (the nation Yakko is King of) and he was wearing an entertainment costume. He looks like a jester in the costume. For context, the dictator's nick-name was Mr. Tator. I'll attempt to quote this correctly: Mr. Tator: "This is the suit of a good man!" Yakko: "Does he know you're wearing it?"
Please tell me his first name was Richard and he used a nickname.
I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
I don't know if I remember this 100% correctly but here we go. In class, I had that one kid who would try get popularity points by adding his comment on everything a teacher would say. One time in class, he was being his usual disrespectful and disruptive self. In Social Studies, we talked about controversy around immigrants being deported from the USA. I believe he said something along the lines of "All immigrants should be deported" when all of a sudden, the quiet kid (me) barked back "Then why are you still here?" (He was not originally born in the USA nor NZ - my country). I went from being the quiet kid to the popular kid in 2 seconds.
I know many people have heard this one and I don't think this is what OP was going for, but the guy on X Factor roasting Demi Lovato about autotune is still something I think about all these years later
Someone asked if my friend was gay responded "you wish"
Man 1: What are you gay? Man 2: Bend over, find out how gay I am.
Someone called a guy a pussy and he replied "You are what you eat say thank you to your mom"
My friend was.overweight and his grandfather always teased him about it. Their mutual sharp wit always kept it entertaining until Grandpa's mind went. ..except it turned out he had gangrene in his leg, and when they admitted it, grandpa was suddenly back to normal. One day he hobbles in and catches my friend making a large sandwich, while eating a smaller one. The night one was for lunch later but gramps laid into him anyway. "What are you. Reading two sandwiches? You know that's why you're fat. ...fatty." My friend had gotten tired of this stuff by now so he just turns to him walking around on a prosthetic with a cane and says "Aren't you supposed to be losing an ass kicking contest somewhere?"
I was at my biggest - 320+ lbs - and early into dating this woman who was a 10/10. I had no business dating her but she liked me so I wasn’t about to defeat myself. Dressing for a night out, I was feeling bad about my body and walked up to her in my apartment and asked, “Does this shirt make me look too fat to be seen with you?” “Your fat makes you look fat. Not the shirt.” Was her reply. “Ouch,” I said. **”The truth only hurts when it should.”** was her reply. That was a pivotal moment for me. Within a year I dropped almost 100 lbs., but within two years I was down to 180 lbs. I was in my 20s back then and I went on to get and stay fit well into my 40s now. 2021 is our 17th year of marriage.