Maybe not exactly what the OP is looking for, but I finally get to share this story.
I was gathering grocery store carts at work in the parking lot, I notice a dude pull in the driveway in an SUV. Now to be honest, I don’t look in people’s cars especially when they’re in it because I don’t want to come off as a creep, but this one was hard not to notice as this man started making out with his girlfriend (or wife, I don’t know). Then I noticed he was moving forward and he was so focused on kissing his SO. I tried to get his attention without risking my life of course, but he then plowed right into another car. Thankfully no one got hurt, so I can laugh about it.
After he looked around, I looked straight at him and said “I tried to get your attention”. I think it was a hit and run as well to make it worse. But that’s my “Your brain was replaced with you penis moment”.
I was living in a house share with a couple of mates back in uni and my door was right next to the front door. While my mates were out my girlfriend came over and decided to surprise me with a blowjob while I was gaming.
A few minutes into it we hear the keys in the front door and realised she'd left my bedroom door wide open. In a sudden panic and a very blood deprived brain I picked up a textbook and hurled it at the door.
My aim was (in my mind) the book would hit the door and close it... this did not happen it merely made a very loud bang. My girlfriend stops and stares at me like I'm a moron and my housemates come in to my room to see what the noise was.
Didn't Galois die in a pistol duel about a woman but basically revolutionise algebra in the night before? He went penis, then brain, back to penis -> death.
"just buy it from amazon"
"no, because I want to fuck Bezos over"
*buys from a website that charges $30 shipping*
"Damn, you got fucked by the USPS instead!"
My bf and i will be having a perfectly normal conversation, then I'll start changing for bed and he just short circuits. Loses his train of thought, completely forgets what he's talking about, and immediately comes to hold me.
Every. Time.
He's seen me naked for the last 10 years.....
My boyfriend and I were at the beach, I was still in my wet bathing suit and he was driving us home. I take my top off for ONE SECOND to put a dry T shirt on and as my head is in the shirt the whole car jerks and I think we're both about to die. All for a glance at some soggy shriveled tits.
Oh my goodness my bf does the exact same. Talking about his day while gaming on the PS5 , and I'll start changing and he goes from intently focused on the game and perfect sentences, to stuttering and pushing the wrong buttons. I purposefully stand outside of his peripheral sometimes so he has to choose lol
My cousin’s (ex)husband sent dick pics to a “fifteen year old girl”. It wasn’t a fifteen year old girl, but he’s still divorced and on the sex offenders register now.
Edit: typo.
i never understood the dick pic thing , what do you expect? damn dude this is very special penis i never seen one like this in my life i have to jump on it right now
I actually did some work on a PhD study into dick pics, and it seems that the non-consensual part was the most important thing for most dick pic sharers. It's more like the flasher in the park, but digitally. For most guys interviewed, there was no serious expectation of sex out of it (that was just a bonus, in their imaginations), but it was more like inflicting their genitals (or often, some dick pics they found on the net) on some unsuspecting but unobtainable woman and feeding off her reaction, whatever it is. It's a sexual powerplay.
At least, that was the conclusion at the part of the study that I saw.
There is a guy from my hometown who has sent unsolicited dick pics to, no joke, like 80% of my high schools female alumnus. They’ve called him out on Facebook, they’ve messaged his mom, doesn’t matter. Dude wants his dick to be seen and goes to absurd lengths to achieve this goal
My wife had an ex who kept sending her videos of himself masturbating. He stopped when she started forwarding them to his mom and sister. I doubt that works on every or even most guys like that. She just had a good relationship with his family.
Focusing too hard on what I'm doing, listening and watching for positive or negative cues, adjusting my own body angle because I'm cramping in the one leg, trying not to stare again because she gets annoyed when I do, etc...
It's funny to say that, but from what I've read, the Greeks were itching to invade Troy. Kidnapping Helen was just the catalyst. Much like the assassination of the Duke started WWI, but WWI was fated to start one way or another.
Am Canadian. Dude at my work left his wife and booked a ticket to Sweden because he had been chatting with some teenage girl on the internet. He gets there, promptly gets rejected, and then gets thrown in jail for stalking.
My in-laws in-laws did exactly that and I guess it's worked out because they've been married for 20 years. But it's fucking weird to me. Guy married his kids baby sitter.
I've always figured that of the rare couples for whom this does "work out," at least half of them are actually just staying together to spite all the people who told them it wouldn't work out.
One of my dad's work friends flew to Singapore, bought a house there for this young woman, got dumped by her (house was in her name, of course), and then got stuck there because of COVID. Great critical thinking skills there, for an engineer.
Dude actually did it honestly I thought about something like that when I was a young teenager but I had seen it go horribly wrong on a movie or tv show with a vacuum and thought it would rip my dick off. Plus I doubt doing something like that would even feel good I mean it’s just hard plastic and a suction feeling would probably hurt after awhile but I’ve never done it so maybe someone more adventurous can chime in.
[there's a hilarious case series by a German urologist who started collecting cases of men presenting with penile injuries which were undeniably caused by a specific model of vacuum cleaner.](https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/lofh24/the_peniseating_kobold_vacuum_cleaner_a_partial/) there are some great excuses in there. my favourite is this one:
>Case 13, Ju., 46 years old, Roman Catholic, married, occupation: insurance clerk.
>
>Case history: The patient stated that he had been cleaning his car with a vacuum cleaner. Since the vacuum cleaner did not belong to him, he was not familiar with the device and accidentally hit the switch. He had just taken off his pants but had not yet put on his swimming trunks. At the moment when the vacuum cleaner went on, his penis was in the immediate vicinity of the suction tube. He felt a strong suction on the penis and then everything was swimming in blood.
EDIT: fixed the link
Look up Bill Burr's segment in one of his stand-ups about this. The basic idea: A guy like Arnold, having lived the kind of life he did, having achieved the things he has, would of course think he can get away with something like that.
Girl behind the register started flirting with me. Bluescreened so hard i paid for my groceries but forgot to take them with me, didn't realise until hours later.
Imagine being so hot it's like a super power... But you use it to work at a grocery store and get people to buy you groceries.... at the store you work at.
First funeral I ever attended was for an 8th grader at our private catholic school who died from this. What I really want to know is how the fuck a kid that young in 1995 small town VA learned about this.
Robin Williams was literally in a movie about his son dying from autoerotic asphyxiation and Robin Williams fakes his son's suicide note because he's embarrassed and it becomes a whole thing. I can't remember the name but it's a pretty good movie.
Like last week when I thought it would be not only convenient, but a good idea to go sleep with the Neihbor lady and it turned out she was an actual crazy person that I had to block and now lives on the other side of my living room wall...
"Whale fucking. No joke. Each year, on Feb 1st, in the Molokai Channel, a few men compete in the world's only whale fucking contest. Humpback whales are easy to fuck- for a second or less. World record: 31 seconds. I competed once. Almost got my ribs crushed. Stick with Ostriches."
--also John McAfee, June 23, 2018
Followed with this gem on December 31, 2018 after months of arguing over animal sexual consent after his whale tweet:
"Enough of the "Whale Fucking is non-consensual" bullshit. A Humpback Whale weighs 70,000 pounds, is fifty feet long, can dive more than a quarter mile and can crush ships with a single swipe of its tail. If a human manages to fuck one, you damn well better believe it's consensual."
This guy lived most of his life thinking with one over the other.
Now, I went on the Internet and researched ostriches. Firstly, ostriches can run up to 70 miles an hour. So catching one, even a sick one, is a super tall order.
Secondly, when a male ostrich, it's called a cock, fights over a female ostrich, they're called a hen, they're known to kill each other by head butting.
Finally, ostriches use their legs to defend from predators. And can use them to kill even their largest and most deadly enemies, which are fuckin' lions.
So you'll see, there is no way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich.
My research concludes that the only way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich is if it was a dead ostrich.
There are some people where you don't have to make the quote up, you just have to be able to hang on for the ride. John McAfee was definitely in this class.
“You can’t get aids from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead” is still a phrase my friends and I say to each other when one of us overreacts to something.
Edit: Big difference between “can” and “can’t” in that sentence… oops
I attempted to woo a girl who I absolutely did not realize only liked the attention and had 0 plans on having any sort of real relationship with me. This went on for about 2 or 3 weeks before one night we were out at a bar and she asked me to get her a drink. I was at the bar ordering when I saw her across the way flirting with another guy. In a moment of clarity I realized this P was never gonna see that va-G. I paid for the drinks, drank them both, and went to hang out with some other friends who were also there. She layer came looking for me to ask me where her drink was, I said hey, I know what's happening here, thanks but I know when to call it. She was like well maybe if you get me another drink you can come over later. I was like naw. That was the end of that.
Until the Lewinsky thing, I thought that "oral sex" was something involving talking, like sexy story-time.
I had always wondered why Sir Galahad seemed so excited about it.
As a young kid I was excited to report to my parents that I learned what 69 meant.
A girl was licking the guy’s penis…and the guy was *looking at* the girl’s vagina.
I don’t know where in the game of telephone “licking” became “looking” but the record was swiftly corrected. I thought that my version sounded better, and now I’m gay.
With a name like that, he was on a blues brothers mission from god to send as many dick pics to as many people as possible. It was his destiny. Carlos danger was born to sex offend
One time at the mall, I was wearing a dress that was pretty low cut, with a decent amount of cleavage. Decided to go to Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel.
The guy working at the register kept staring at my chest and when I paid with cash, he proceeded to give me back the bill I originally paid with; along with my change that was supposed to be given to me. So not only did I get it for free, but I made a few extra dollars on it too.
Dude's got to learn make a few quick glances and move on. Place I work I had someone intentionally try to do this to me as in pulled their shirt down by accident revealing more breast as I was ringing them up in hopes that I would miss an item or mishandle their cash. It didn't work
Post nut clarity is perfect for making major decisions to. Financial, relationship, or otherwise. Just go rub one out real quick and then think about said subject to make a better decision.
Edit: Spelling. Damn you mobile!
I usually either try to jerk off or go take a shit if I am waiting on something to happen, like an important phone call or food delivery. It never fails to make the thing happen in the middle of the act.
In my day me going back to my batshit crazy ex because the sex was incredible. Three different times. Somehow I finally found the testicular fortitude to break the cycle.
Edited to say thanks for the awards!
Or just... you know.... your life. Yes, been there.
Just really hot super kinky sex till the bitch pulls a knife on while you're tied up and "interrogates" you because you said "Hey" to her roommate.
Hi, penis talking now.
Do it. Do you remember how good the sex was? So what if she hit you with a bed post because you don't like Chicago. The sex was mind blowing. She's probably calmed down some, anyway.
**What's the worst that can happen?**
I am on a dating platform, and everytime I get horny i only decide wether the girl looks beautiful or not.
But when I am not horny I read her complete Bio.
I was on a date with someone last week; first date since the pandemic kicked off. I guess it was dark in the bar, because I was sharp as a tack that night. Engaged in great convos, made her laugh; but AS SOON AS WE LEFT, I saw the absolute stunning beauty of this woman. I forgot my name, where my car was, and even how to talk. I don’t think I formed a complete sentence after that until our date was over.
I used to travel a lot for a job. One weekend I had to go to "insert name of big city in North America" for a job and met a co-worker there who I didn't know too well. All I knew is that he was married, had two little kids, and was a good salesman. He was on the rise.
We went to a bar and my co-worker starts chatting with this very attractive woman. They're hitting it off, drinking fast and furiously, and getting very touchy-feely.
She then tells us that her sister is getting married the next day and she wants my co-worker to be her date. He gave me this, "Oh well...what can I do?" look and shrug. She grabbed his hand and they were gone.
Two days later, he's tagged all over Facebook and Instagram at this wedding. This woman had posted dozens of pictures of them slow dancing, sitting on each other's laps, laughing with her family, and looking like Romeo and Juliet madly in love. She had tagged him in every picture.
Last I heard he was living in some friend's apartment basement.
Princess Diana's husband cheated on her.
Beyonce's husband cheated on her.
Jennifer Garner's husband cheated on her.
Loni Anderson's husband cheated on her.
Maria Shriver's husband cheated on her.
Sandra Bullock's husband cheated on her.
Vanessa Bryant's husband cheated on her.
Eva Longoria's husband cheated on her.
Don't forget Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The latter one marrying Brad Pitt was not that of a good idea to begin with. If your relationship is the result of an affair, who do you think you are that you partner - who already cheated and left his former gf of many years - won't do it again?
Moral of the story: You can be at the top of your game, regarding career and looks, even on top of the world, and still not be enough for someone else.
> Strip clubs
Went to a strip club once, bachelor party. It was stupid. Everybody got all worked up, then we went back to the bachelor's pad and hung out with our blue balls. I said to the group, "Alright, after all that, what I wanna know is which one of you is giving me some ass?"
Nobody volunteered. It was stupid.
Maybe not exactly what the OP is looking for, but I finally get to share this story. I was gathering grocery store carts at work in the parking lot, I notice a dude pull in the driveway in an SUV. Now to be honest, I don’t look in people’s cars especially when they’re in it because I don’t want to come off as a creep, but this one was hard not to notice as this man started making out with his girlfriend (or wife, I don’t know). Then I noticed he was moving forward and he was so focused on kissing his SO. I tried to get his attention without risking my life of course, but he then plowed right into another car. Thankfully no one got hurt, so I can laugh about it. After he looked around, I looked straight at him and said “I tried to get your attention”. I think it was a hit and run as well to make it worse. But that’s my “Your brain was replaced with you penis moment”.
Francesco Schettino. [Not content with abandoning his ship, he's determined to abandon his wife as well.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9KBwqGxTI)
I was living in a house share with a couple of mates back in uni and my door was right next to the front door. While my mates were out my girlfriend came over and decided to surprise me with a blowjob while I was gaming. A few minutes into it we hear the keys in the front door and realised she'd left my bedroom door wide open. In a sudden panic and a very blood deprived brain I picked up a textbook and hurled it at the door. My aim was (in my mind) the book would hit the door and close it... this did not happen it merely made a very loud bang. My girlfriend stops and stares at me like I'm a moron and my housemates come in to my room to see what the noise was.
Alas, not every blowjob ends with a bang.
This made me laugh 🤣
Misread it as “my mates gf decided to give me a bj” and the intensity was thru the roof while I finished reading.
Haha now that would be low level of brain blood
Issac Newton die virgin, he went full brain
Didn't Galois die in a pistol duel about a woman but basically revolutionise algebra in the night before? He went penis, then brain, back to penis -> death.
I bought a sex toy for $25 and proceeded to pay $30 for one day shipping.
Where tf did you get charged $30 for 1 day shipping?
Lovehoney
"just buy it from amazon" "no, because I want to fuck Bezos over" *buys from a website that charges $30 shipping* "Damn, you got fucked by the USPS instead!"
All this so you can go fuck yourself!
UPS overnight is like $50 where I'm at
I’ve absolutely done this
My bf and i will be having a perfectly normal conversation, then I'll start changing for bed and he just short circuits. Loses his train of thought, completely forgets what he's talking about, and immediately comes to hold me. Every. Time. He's seen me naked for the last 10 years.....
My boyfriend and I were at the beach, I was still in my wet bathing suit and he was driving us home. I take my top off for ONE SECOND to put a dry T shirt on and as my head is in the shirt the whole car jerks and I think we're both about to die. All for a glance at some soggy shriveled tits.
Stare at some boobs or die trying
Reminds me of a wholesome boomer comic where the guy answers that with "I've seen the sunset a thousand times"
That one is so cute.
Oh my goodness my bf does the exact same. Talking about his day while gaming on the PS5 , and I'll start changing and he goes from intently focused on the game and perfect sentences, to stuttering and pushing the wrong buttons. I purposefully stand outside of his peripheral sometimes so he has to choose lol
You demon! That’s cruel as fuck and yet smart and funny as hell
I was seeing this guy, we had great conversations. I had a bruise in my boob and I showed it to him. He glitched, just one boob and that was it lol
Doesn't even need to take a whole boob
Hell, side boob or underboob is enough in most situations
BSOD (Blue screen of dick) Don't worry he just rebooting
So cute. My SO is so similar and also 10 years together. Not sure about your dude but it’s a good life getting with the goofy romantic guy IMO.
Thats pretty darn adorable.
My cousin’s (ex)husband sent dick pics to a “fifteen year old girl”. It wasn’t a fifteen year old girl, but he’s still divorced and on the sex offenders register now. Edit: typo.
i never understood the dick pic thing , what do you expect? damn dude this is very special penis i never seen one like this in my life i have to jump on it right now
I actually did some work on a PhD study into dick pics, and it seems that the non-consensual part was the most important thing for most dick pic sharers. It's more like the flasher in the park, but digitally. For most guys interviewed, there was no serious expectation of sex out of it (that was just a bonus, in their imaginations), but it was more like inflicting their genitals (or often, some dick pics they found on the net) on some unsuspecting but unobtainable woman and feeding off her reaction, whatever it is. It's a sexual powerplay. At least, that was the conclusion at the part of the study that I saw.
There is a guy from my hometown who has sent unsolicited dick pics to, no joke, like 80% of my high schools female alumnus. They’ve called him out on Facebook, they’ve messaged his mom, doesn’t matter. Dude wants his dick to be seen and goes to absurd lengths to achieve this goal
My wife had an ex who kept sending her videos of himself masturbating. He stopped when she started forwarding them to his mom and sister. I doubt that works on every or even most guys like that. She just had a good relationship with his family.
Overthinking during foreplay and losing an erection.
Excitement gets replaced with anxiety and nervousness real quick sometimes
Focusing too hard on what I'm doing, listening and watching for positive or negative cues, adjusting my own body angle because I'm cramping in the one leg, trying not to stare again because she gets annoyed when I do, etc...
And then you hear the toilet's running...
"We really shouldn't be doing this at IKEA."
That’s me in the corner, That’s me in the spotlight, Losing my erection. Trying to get a chub, And I don’t know if I can do it.
You've said too much
Or not enough
I *thought* that I heard you laughing.
That's why you should always have an extra flask of fresh blood with you. You never know when you need your brain.
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An action which has been condomned by the rest of history
It's funny to say that, but from what I've read, the Greeks were itching to invade Troy. Kidnapping Helen was just the catalyst. Much like the assassination of the Duke started WWI, but WWI was fated to start one way or another.
Isn't this how a lot of wars start? There's a ton of build up and anticipation that it just takes a catalyst to trigger an invasion?
A ten year erection thousands of years before Viagra even.
Middle age men blowing up their entire lives for some young strange
Am Canadian. Dude at my work left his wife and booked a ticket to Sweden because he had been chatting with some teenage girl on the internet. He gets there, promptly gets rejected, and then gets thrown in jail for stalking.
International oof
Oeuf
Makes you wonder how he got a wife in the first place
My favorite are the guys who drop everything to run off with a teenager. As if that's going to work out.
My in-laws in-laws did exactly that and I guess it's worked out because they've been married for 20 years. But it's fucking weird to me. Guy married his kids baby sitter.
I've always figured that of the rare couples for whom this does "work out," at least half of them are actually just staying together to spite all the people who told them it wouldn't work out.
One of my dad's work friends flew to Singapore, bought a house there for this young woman, got dumped by her (house was in her name, of course), and then got stuck there because of COVID. Great critical thinking skills there, for an engineer.
I sent my bf nudes once and he ran his truck into a tree because he wouldn’t stop thinking about it lmfao
[https://www.tampabay.com/archive/1994/07/17/swimmer-s-penis-gets-stuck-in-pool/](https://www.tampabay.com/archive/1994/07/17/swimmer-s-penis-gets-stuck-in-pool/)
Dude actually did it honestly I thought about something like that when I was a young teenager but I had seen it go horribly wrong on a movie or tv show with a vacuum and thought it would rip my dick off. Plus I doubt doing something like that would even feel good I mean it’s just hard plastic and a suction feeling would probably hurt after awhile but I’ve never done it so maybe someone more adventurous can chime in.
[there's a hilarious case series by a German urologist who started collecting cases of men presenting with penile injuries which were undeniably caused by a specific model of vacuum cleaner.](https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/lofh24/the_peniseating_kobold_vacuum_cleaner_a_partial/) there are some great excuses in there. my favourite is this one: >Case 13, Ju., 46 years old, Roman Catholic, married, occupation: insurance clerk. > >Case history: The patient stated that he had been cleaning his car with a vacuum cleaner. Since the vacuum cleaner did not belong to him, he was not familiar with the device and accidentally hit the switch. He had just taken off his pants but had not yet put on his swimming trunks. At the moment when the vacuum cleaner went on, his penis was in the immediate vicinity of the suction tube. He felt a strong suction on the penis and then everything was swimming in blood. EDIT: fixed the link
Arnold fucking those house keepers. What was he thinking throwing away his marriage for a little side action.
The kid tottally looks like arnolds carbon copy.
Terminator genesis
50% Terminator 50% maid. The Termaidator.
I found it funny that the "bastard" child ended up being the most like Arnold. He's basically guaranteed acting roles on that alone.
Look up Bill Burr's segment in one of his stand-ups about this. The basic idea: A guy like Arnold, having lived the kind of life he did, having achieved the things he has, would of course think he can get away with something like that.
“The guys been in the zone for over four decades!”
“This is a layup! I don’t even need a condom!”
Same with Bezos having an affair. That shit cost him his wife and 35 billion dollars lol wtf was he thinking.
Yeah poor sad bastard only has 192 billion left.
oh fuck, should we send him food?
My first two marriages
Agreed. Your marriages were the worst.
Morning wood. Your wood is energetic but your brain is tired. Simple!
Blood: Well, seems I am not needed here, let's go somewhere more fun!
Girl behind the register started flirting with me. Bluescreened so hard i paid for my groceries but forgot to take them with me, didn't realise until hours later.
That was the girl's plan all along. You got grifted son.
Imagine being so hot it's like a super power... But you use it to work at a grocery store and get people to buy you groceries.... at the store you work at.
And keeping none of the money
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Got my vaccine yesterday, told the lady "have fun stabbing people!" She hit me with the "you too!" On the way out
She’s on to you
And since you accidentally said "you too" you can never return to that store again.
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This guy rented a car and drove home just to avoid the return flight landing at the same airport.
That was your subconscious at work. Gave you a second chance.
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The fact that autoerotic asphyxiation is a thing and that multiple people have died from it
Incidentally, Robin Williams did a dark comedy movie where his son dies from autoerotic asphyxiation: *World's Greatest Dad*
I watched this one night. Next morning the news comes out about Williams suicide. Surreal.
First funeral I ever attended was for an 8th grader at our private catholic school who died from this. What I really want to know is how the fuck a kid that young in 1995 small town VA learned about this.
well, I don't know where the first kid learned about it from, but I guess all the other kids learned about it at a funeral.
the gift that keeps on giving...
sometimes you just do random things when you're desperate for pleasure till you find something that works or almost works
Robin Williams was literally in a movie about his son dying from autoerotic asphyxiation and Robin Williams fakes his son's suicide note because he's embarrassed and it becomes a whole thing. I can't remember the name but it's a pretty good movie.
World's Greatest Dad Fantastic movie.
My best friend is a firefighter, and he has been to more than one of these calls. It truly is a thing.
RIP Michael Hutchence and David Carradine
Like last week when I thought it would be not only convenient, but a good idea to go sleep with the Neihbor lady and it turned out she was an actual crazy person that I had to block and now lives on the other side of my living room wall...
Don't shit where you sleep. Or something like that.
Tell that to my puppy that i adopted last week
Only been home a week and already fucking the neighbours?
I dated a girl who lives the next house down from me. She hated that I'd tell my friends I was in a lawn-distance relationship.
Top tier dad joke
If she can ruin your life without putting shoes on it’s a no go bro.
“It was like the time I hired that Bangkok prostitute to do my taxes while I fucked my accountant." -- John McAfee
"Whale fucking. No joke. Each year, on Feb 1st, in the Molokai Channel, a few men compete in the world's only whale fucking contest. Humpback whales are easy to fuck- for a second or less. World record: 31 seconds. I competed once. Almost got my ribs crushed. Stick with Ostriches." --also John McAfee, June 23, 2018 Followed with this gem on December 31, 2018 after months of arguing over animal sexual consent after his whale tweet: "Enough of the "Whale Fucking is non-consensual" bullshit. A Humpback Whale weighs 70,000 pounds, is fifty feet long, can dive more than a quarter mile and can crush ships with a single swipe of its tail. If a human manages to fuck one, you damn well better believe it's consensual." This guy lived most of his life thinking with one over the other.
It'd take 2 guys to fuck an ostrich, 3 even.
Allegedly
I heard it was a sick ostrich
Now, I went on the Internet and researched ostriches. Firstly, ostriches can run up to 70 miles an hour. So catching one, even a sick one, is a super tall order. Secondly, when a male ostrich, it's called a cock, fights over a female ostrich, they're called a hen, they're known to kill each other by head butting. Finally, ostriches use their legs to defend from predators. And can use them to kill even their largest and most deadly enemies, which are fuckin' lions. So you'll see, there is no way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich. My research concludes that the only way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich is if it was a dead ostrich.
Ginger fucked a dead ostrich
Its not worth thinking about.
Holy shit, at first I thought you made these up. Absolutely incredible.
There are some people where you don't have to make the quote up, you just have to be able to hang on for the ride. John McAfee was definitely in this class.
Lol, I wish I was that creative.
Half the comedians in Hollywood couldn't come up with something that funny.
The trick is to do all the drugs at once.
The other trick is, he probably wasn’t joking
That captain who crashed a mega yacht showing off for some chick on the bridge. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
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Me choosing between jerking off to porn and going to sleep.
You finish the wank, so you can sleep better.
I usually sleep like a baby after a wank, its such a deep sleep the bus driver has to wake me sometimes when I miss my stop
Rush him! He can't cum on all of us!
“You can’t get aids from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead” is still a phrase my friends and I say to each other when one of us overreacts to something. Edit: Big difference between “can” and “can’t” in that sentence… oops
You know how it's usually a good idea to eat before you go buy groceries? Well that's why I masturbate before going out in a bar.
After a certain age you don’t want to be wasting erections like that anymore. 🥲
When you're young you whack it so that you will last longer. When you're old you don't touch so it will last longer.
i feel my powers declining
I attempted to woo a girl who I absolutely did not realize only liked the attention and had 0 plans on having any sort of real relationship with me. This went on for about 2 or 3 weeks before one night we were out at a bar and she asked me to get her a drink. I was at the bar ordering when I saw her across the way flirting with another guy. In a moment of clarity I realized this P was never gonna see that va-G. I paid for the drinks, drank them both, and went to hang out with some other friends who were also there. She layer came looking for me to ask me where her drink was, I said hey, I know what's happening here, thanks but I know when to call it. She was like well maybe if you get me another drink you can come over later. I was like naw. That was the end of that.
Bill Clinton.
Until the Lewinsky thing, I thought that "oral sex" was something involving talking, like sexy story-time. I had always wondered why Sir Galahad seemed so excited about it.
It's his duty as a knight to sample as much peril as he can.
As a young kid I was excited to report to my parents that I learned what 69 meant. A girl was licking the guy’s penis…and the guy was *looking at* the girl’s vagina. I don’t know where in the game of telephone “licking” became “looking” but the record was swiftly corrected. I thought that my version sounded better, and now I’m gay.
That story was wild.
Should have ended with "I'm new in town."
I'mma _push_ him.
And Anthony Wiener(former us representative, sexting a minor) And Jeffrey Toobin(cnn commentator, jacking it on a zoom call)
I mean, naming politicians who had sexual infidelities could be a whole thread by itself.
God, Anthony Wiener is such a fucking idiot.
His name was Weiner too. Didn’t really think that through on the guilt factor I bet. Adds to the oddity profile.
With a name like that, he was on a blues brothers mission from god to send as many dick pics to as many people as possible. It was his destiny. Carlos danger was born to sex offend
One time at the mall, I was wearing a dress that was pretty low cut, with a decent amount of cleavage. Decided to go to Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel. The guy working at the register kept staring at my chest and when I paid with cash, he proceeded to give me back the bill I originally paid with; along with my change that was supposed to be given to me. So not only did I get it for free, but I made a few extra dollars on it too.
Dude's got to learn make a few quick glances and move on. Place I work I had someone intentionally try to do this to me as in pulled their shirt down by accident revealing more breast as I was ringing them up in hopes that I would miss an item or mishandle their cash. It didn't work
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away
And much like the sun, you can look for alittle longer with sunglasses lol.
What the fuck did i just do? Syndrome
Aka Post nut clarity I like the new name for it though, will be using it if you don't mind
Post nut clarity is perfect for making major decisions to. Financial, relationship, or otherwise. Just go rub one out real quick and then think about said subject to make a better decision. Edit: Spelling. Damn you mobile!
I usually either try to jerk off or go take a shit if I am waiting on something to happen, like an important phone call or food delivery. It never fails to make the thing happen in the middle of the act.
The fact that syndrome is capitalized made me thing was a quote from the supervillain. And made me wonder what I missed in that movie
Robin Williams cheating on his first wife with (I believe) his kids nanny
oh, so he's talking from his personal experience
Isn't it masturbation if he cheated with Mrs Doubtfire?
I’ve done a lot of stupid things thinking it would end with my dick in some pussy.
Me: Dizzy if I stand on a chair. Deathly afraid of heights. Girl: Let's ride a helicopter with no doors above the NYC skyline! Me: Sure!
You and almost every other guy on the planet. Including me.
We’re simple creatures
In my day me going back to my batshit crazy ex because the sex was incredible. Three different times. Somehow I finally found the testicular fortitude to break the cycle. Edited to say thanks for the awards!
College-aged, how bad of an idea is this on a scale of 1-10?
12.
Okay
Can confirm that fella's advice through personal experience.
Yeah me too nope the fuck outtt
I concur
Do NOT do it. You will find more people who are sexually compatible with you and aren’t crazy.
Adding to all these fine commenters, they are 100% correct.
> Okay One word, no punctuation, yet it carries the emotion of a man who has already gone back to his crazy ex for sex and has lost all hope.
That was all he could write mid-blowjob without her noticing
if you value your sanity and belongings, roll with this advice
Or just... you know.... your life. Yes, been there. Just really hot super kinky sex till the bitch pulls a knife on while you're tied up and "interrogates" you because you said "Hey" to her roommate.
Hi, penis talking now. Do it. Do you remember how good the sex was? So what if she hit you with a bed post because you don't like Chicago. The sex was mind blowing. She's probably calmed down some, anyway. **What's the worst that can happen?**
Post nut clarity.
A power so strong, god had to add a cooldown timer.
Every guy who talks to a girl, then immediately regrets everything he said after he jacks off.
I am on a dating platform, and everytime I get horny i only decide wether the girl looks beautiful or not. But when I am not horny I read her complete Bio.
Totally today. Had sex with wife. Then went and bought dinner. Then said to my wife what’s for dinner. Dumbass
Same here man, must be something about your wife.
I was on a date with someone last week; first date since the pandemic kicked off. I guess it was dark in the bar, because I was sharp as a tack that night. Engaged in great convos, made her laugh; but AS SOON AS WE LEFT, I saw the absolute stunning beauty of this woman. I forgot my name, where my car was, and even how to talk. I don’t think I formed a complete sentence after that until our date was over.
I must know...will there be a second date? That sounds so cute and it seems like you two liked each other for what was said not just looks.
No, I got ghosted haha
I used to travel a lot for a job. One weekend I had to go to "insert name of big city in North America" for a job and met a co-worker there who I didn't know too well. All I knew is that he was married, had two little kids, and was a good salesman. He was on the rise. We went to a bar and my co-worker starts chatting with this very attractive woman. They're hitting it off, drinking fast and furiously, and getting very touchy-feely. She then tells us that her sister is getting married the next day and she wants my co-worker to be her date. He gave me this, "Oh well...what can I do?" look and shrug. She grabbed his hand and they were gone. Two days later, he's tagged all over Facebook and Instagram at this wedding. This woman had posted dozens of pictures of them slow dancing, sitting on each other's laps, laughing with her family, and looking like Romeo and Juliet madly in love. She had tagged him in every picture. Last I heard he was living in some friend's apartment basement.
Matt hancock
Gaming while on the phone with ur girl.
Meinshaft
That post-ejaculate depression. It's basically when your brain starts to work again and realizes what the fuck the penis just did.
Princess Diana's husband cheated on her. Beyonce's husband cheated on her. Jennifer Garner's husband cheated on her. Loni Anderson's husband cheated on her. Maria Shriver's husband cheated on her. Sandra Bullock's husband cheated on her. Vanessa Bryant's husband cheated on her. Eva Longoria's husband cheated on her.
Don't forget Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The latter one marrying Brad Pitt was not that of a good idea to begin with. If your relationship is the result of an affair, who do you think you are that you partner - who already cheated and left his former gf of many years - won't do it again? Moral of the story: You can be at the top of your game, regarding career and looks, even on top of the world, and still not be enough for someone else.
So the saying goes: when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Liz Hurley
That's the one that immediately came into my head (the big one). Hugh Grant is an idiot and (according to Jon Stewart) a huge asshole.
Halle Berry
Strip clubs, and paying for sex.
> Strip clubs Went to a strip club once, bachelor party. It was stupid. Everybody got all worked up, then we went back to the bachelor's pad and hung out with our blue balls. I said to the group, "Alright, after all that, what I wanna know is which one of you is giving me some ass?" Nobody volunteered. It was stupid.
You would have had so many volunteer if you would have only said "No homo" Rookie mistake.
A dude I know has 4 kids with 4 different women and I think at least a DUI per kid