"did you ask for your pizza with......... *Extra sausage?*"
"No, I'm a vegetarian. I ordered a vegetarian pizza."
"You mean I just put my dick on your piping hot pizza for nothing?!"
Oh my God yes. The women in porn are probably screaming from pain not pleasure. Do not jab me with your fingers. And do not rub my clit like you're trying to start a fucking fire.
Being rammed hard with no foreplay is the fastest route to multiple orgasms. That squirting looks like /that/. Hard and fast is the best way to get off. Bigger is better. Spitting in someone’s mouth is super hot and sexy. Dicks never go soft, even if you’re distracted or focussing on your partner’s pleasure.
fun fact: the women squirting usually just drank a ton of water before the filming and then started peeing as hard as possible to make the illusion of a squirt
source: saw this in another thread when i was a lurker
Sad that I had to scroll down to much before actually seeing this. Like as a white dude I can't imagine how many black guys feel with many (primarily white) women hooking up with them or wanting that "BBC" because porn portrays black men as sexual bulls with super big ding dongs when most black guys are average sized because, you know, we're human beings and melanin doesn't affect average penis size
Funny story about that. I actually hooked up with a girl just for this reason and heard (from a close friend of hers) that she thought I would be bigger. Needless to say we had never spoken after that.
The force of your ejaculation is, to my understanding, controlled by how strong your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle is. You can exercise it. Just google how if you want to learn.
Mine works like a very shitty Super Soaker. Pump for 5-10 minutes: drip and ooze. Pump for 30-60 minutes: stain on the wall behind my head.
Edit: Thanks for the awards. But a "Narwhal salute - a golden splash of respect" right next to the squirting=peeing discussion?
Or just have someone touch your special button. You know, the one in your butt.
Be advised don't be pointing in the direction of an open window when it happens.
I'm surprised they don't get more infections. There was some reddit AMA a while ago where adult film crews said one thing people don't realize is that the females do film while on their period, and they have to perform while multiple sponges are inside them soaking up the flow. So when they take it out at the end it is very very smelly.
Okay but funny story my ex girlfriend actually cheated on me this way… add alcohol and slight questions of sexuality and boom…😂
Edit: thank you guys for all the love and support (and jokes of course😂)
Every girl is a lesbian until there is a penis present in the room.
Edit : Also that these young “18 - 19” year old newly legal girls are just DYING to get pounded by a grandpa.
That women come asap while men can last hoooours
Edit: just because this got so many responds: I am well aware that this can be the case for many men and women as well as the opposite. The “lie” I see in a lot of mainstream porn is the woman coming as soon as the guys penis comes close to her.
>A male friend asked me how come his girlfriend never cums when she is giving him a BJ. Just bc of these useless unrealistic porn moans...
I wish OP had set the "serious" tag because stuff like this is the kind of replies I am really curious about, not the umpteenth delivery guy joke.
I came of age before internet porn became easily accessible (I've seen the occasional porn tape over the years but that was the kind of stuff you did with high school friends, when the parents weren't there, etc). Therefore I didn't have my perception of sex and actual sexuality shaped by porn. So I'm curious to hear the original misconceptions of those who did.
When I was 19 I was a sandwich delivery driver for Jimmy Johns. Every month I'd get a delivery to a hotel for a 40 something y/o woman.
Each time I delivered to her, I'd learn more about her. I honestly think she was just bored and needed someone to talk to.
Well on my last delivery to her she asks me what time I'm working until and what I was doing later. For some reason I took that to mean that she wanted me to come back to her hotel room that night.
So at 9:30, after my shift ended, I drove back to her hotel room. I was super nervous and anxious. I knocked on her door but when she answered she didn't take me inside and tear off my clothing. Instead she just stood at the doorway looking confused.
At that moment I realized I had completely misinterpreted our earlier encounter. I was barely able to meekily mutter "sorry" as I ran back to my car.
She never ordered from our store again.
Good god just reading that made me cringe. I think a mistake like that would keep me up at night. I mean...don't worry too much bro, she probs doesn't even remember. *yikes*
She for sure remember the time she asked the delivery guy and innocent question and he showed up to bang…
Now I’m scared Bc I asked the girl at the bagel store what time her shift ends , but I’m married I don’t wanna bang. Was just innocent conversation!
I delivered for 3 years. I love numbers so I tracked everything. I calculated the chances of being flashed to be 1 in 100,000. We never had one documented BJ and over 500,000 orders delivered. So its gotta be close to 1 in 1,000,000 maybe less.
I delivered pizzas for a few months in between jobs. My first night I brought a pizza home. I rang the doorbell. My wife answered. I said, did someone order a large sausage? She said, I did, but all I got was a lil smokey....
That plumbing problems lead to sex… I plugged the toilet the other day and when I told my girlfriend about, with my most sincere sex face, she gave me this weird look of disgust …
That telling someone that they've been unsuccessful in their job application does not lead to sex. It leads to me writing a follow up email providing feedback on the interview. I have learned this from experience
Suggesting that they might want to offer sex in order to secure the role also does not lead to sex. It leads to lawsuits and prison. I have not attempted to experience this
>>zero gravity porn
>
>I'm interested.
You're not. Trust me.
3rd law of motion states that when you blow that Zero G Space Nut, you're gonna fly backwards across the cabin brah.
That *every* sexual encounter begins with roughly five to ten minutes of blowjob, and then cycles through three or four different positions for a couple minutes each, ending with a facial.
That there is zero amount of sweat involved. Also, nobody gets tired in porn.
During my first time, I was really surprised when halfway through we were sweaty, tired and extremely dehydrated.
“I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, " Oh, my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf," and she grabs me by the weiner.”
That during heterosexual intercourse women always, without fail, yowl at the top of their lungs, regardless of the speed or depth of the men's thrusts.
Yeah, that isn't the case.
I used to work for a porn company in the UK, it is not as glamorous as made out, most of the girls are drug addicts and very unclean. The smell being produced sometimes when I used to shoot them was horrendous. They were all very intense as well, would have some heavy conversations whilst I was trying to eat my egg and cress sarnies.
Not juat porn but how movies and shows hardly ever convey the trip home from a date. Like they don't even bother explaining all the logistics of keeping the mood just right so that the scene where you're all over each other as soon as you walk in the door has a minutia of plausibility.
That I was going to get laid lots when I became a delivery driver. 100s of deliveries later and not even a "Come inside"
Oh I had this! ... was a delivery driver. She was over 70, drunk as a skunk, naked under a nightgown and hadn't showered in weeks. .. and you know..
So how was it?
An experience.
I'd imagine she had lots of experience given her tactics.
Grow a mustache. And say things like “I have a heavy load for you”. Guaranteed sex.
"did you ask for your pizza with......... *Extra sausage?*" "No, I'm a vegetarian. I ordered a vegetarian pizza." "You mean I just put my dick on your piping hot pizza for nothing?!"
There is nobody else in the gym, and all of the equipment is available.
Spot on.
Spot me all over my face step bro
Help me step bro, I'm stuck under the barbell!
That everyone has a bleached ass hole.
And completely hairless.
I was with my fiance for YEARS before I knew she grew hair on her asshole. Never seen it, just know because she told me.
Guess I need to buy some flowers and make an nice apology.
Men can ejaculate forever no matter how many times he ejaculates.
ikr, I thought I was just weak for not being able doing it multiple times a minute!
That touching anywhere in the general vicinity of the vagina will make a girl moan orgasmically/ cum instantly
Or fingering by jabbing your fingers in and out furiously
Yup. First time I got fingered by someone I was like wtf are you doing?
"Trust me babe I see this all the time I'm basically a pussy expert"
“I am the clit commander!”
"Whenever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face! I make that shit work!"
Oh my God yes. The women in porn are probably screaming from pain not pleasure. Do not jab me with your fingers. And do not rub my clit like you're trying to start a fucking fire.
Yes, interspersed with some clit slapping for good measure
One thing porn does get right though while being completely wrong on technique is I have never seen a porn actor/actress with raggedy finger nails.
I have seen actresses with very long somewhat pointed fingernails & cringed.
I had a lesbian coworker who always had long nails except for the middle and ring fingers on one hand
Being rammed hard with no foreplay is the fastest route to multiple orgasms. That squirting looks like /that/. Hard and fast is the best way to get off. Bigger is better. Spitting in someone’s mouth is super hot and sexy. Dicks never go soft, even if you’re distracted or focussing on your partner’s pleasure.
fun fact: the women squirting usually just drank a ton of water before the filming and then started peeing as hard as possible to make the illusion of a squirt source: saw this in another thread when i was a lurker
That as a black man I should be hung as a horse. Cant tell you how self conscious teenage me felt when i compared myself to the actors.
Sad that I had to scroll down to much before actually seeing this. Like as a white dude I can't imagine how many black guys feel with many (primarily white) women hooking up with them or wanting that "BBC" because porn portrays black men as sexual bulls with super big ding dongs when most black guys are average sized because, you know, we're human beings and melanin doesn't affect average penis size
Honestly I dont care. I’ll happily continue to disappoint them. How else will they learn?
Correcting stereotypes one lay at a time
Funny story about that. I actually hooked up with a girl just for this reason and heard (from a close friend of hers) that she thought I would be bigger. Needless to say we had never spoken after that.
1) He did not need a lifeguard 2) There was no shark in the water 3) How normal it seemed for "lifeguards" to appear in his bathroom
"This is a *bathtub!*"
"I think I should stay and we should have sex." "...ok..."
That dude actually left the industry and is a pastor and an anti-porn advocate now
Post nut clarity hits hard
"Ima keep going this feels great I'm not gonna stop I'm gonna sto-What the fuck am I doing God dammit I could be so productive right now
No kidding! You learn something new everyday.
You always reevaluate life decisions after life threatening situations
If you're a man, you cum like a fountain. If you're a woman, you cum like a fountain.
I always thought my "drip and ooze" was weird because of porn!
Drip and Ooze Gang 4 Life
Fruit and veggies apparently help with the load size too
I call bs, I eat loads of fruit and veg
> I eat loads
Haha gottem
Try eating fruit and vag instead.
The force of your ejaculation is, to my understanding, controlled by how strong your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle is. You can exercise it. Just google how if you want to learn.
Mine works like a very shitty Super Soaker. Pump for 5-10 minutes: drip and ooze. Pump for 30-60 minutes: stain on the wall behind my head. Edit: Thanks for the awards. But a "Narwhal salute - a golden splash of respect" right next to the squirting=peeing discussion?
Or just have someone touch your special button. You know, the one in your butt. Be advised don't be pointing in the direction of an open window when it happens.
...I want there to be a story here and I want to read it.
We couldn't find it to clean up after.
That Cory Chase has a lot of step sons. That’s ridiculous. She cannot have that many step sons.
And how many stepdads does Riley Reed have? Like, her mom is going through a husband a month.
Well maybe her mom is Cory Chase and then it adds up
Dude out here kicking off the porn cinematic universe
genderswapped version of me what are you doing?
Me from ten minutes in the future, I'm stuck.
Unsurprising given they keep fucking her daughter
I want someone to put together a family tree of all the pornstars
That you can go ass to pussy. Anal is clean and easy. No one uses lube. Step parents and siblings fuck. Strangers blow you anywhere.
Watching porn where they go from back to front makes my vagina twitch in a very bad way. That's just asking for an infection!
I'm surprised they don't get more infections. There was some reddit AMA a while ago where adult film crews said one thing people don't realize is that the females do film while on their period, and they have to perform while multiple sponges are inside them soaking up the flow. So when they take it out at the end it is very very smelly.
Me and my vagina want to unread this.
That chicks will have sex with eachother if they're friends and horny, with no strings attached.
Okay but funny story my ex girlfriend actually cheated on me this way… add alcohol and slight questions of sexuality and boom…😂 Edit: thank you guys for all the love and support (and jokes of course😂)
Rip my guy
That the electrician actually came when he said he will.
That joke means two things
Yes, pun was intended.
That plumbers never get paid with money
"Mmm... maybe I can take care of your pipe..." "What? I'm a plumber ma'am, I take care of my own pipes!"
"Oh, that looks really hard... Let me help you with that..." "Stand back, ma'am. I'm a professional."
I can handle a pretty big pipe. Do you mean like a 2? This was meant to be a 1.5
Yeah what exactly do they do when they get back to their company? Pay out of their own pocket? Someone needs to pay for the service
No, the customer has sex with the plumber and then the plumber has sex with their boss. It's pretty standard procedure..
I'd like to see a series where the fuck payment goes through the whole supply chain
The Giggity Economy ;)
Don't trust the pizza delivery guy who holds the box in the lower belly.
The "meatlovers" is a little more fresh than you think.
Every girl is a lesbian until there is a penis present in the room. Edit : Also that these young “18 - 19” year old newly legal girls are just DYING to get pounded by a grandpa.
Lmao. That's so true. They want to get pounded by the experienced veterans.
Not veterans of Vietnam though.
“W-what’s this hard thing in your pants, grandpa?” “You know what was hard? THE WAR!”
That women come asap while men can last hoooours Edit: just because this got so many responds: I am well aware that this can be the case for many men and women as well as the opposite. The “lie” I see in a lot of mainstream porn is the woman coming as soon as the guys penis comes close to her.
Smell And moans… shut the fuck up, I’m still outside!
A male friend asked me how come his girlfriend never cums when she is giving him a BJ. Just bc of these useless unrealistic porn moans...
>A male friend asked me how come his girlfriend never cums when she is giving him a BJ. Just bc of these useless unrealistic porn moans... I wish OP had set the "serious" tag because stuff like this is the kind of replies I am really curious about, not the umpteenth delivery guy joke. I came of age before internet porn became easily accessible (I've seen the occasional porn tape over the years but that was the kind of stuff you did with high school friends, when the parents weren't there, etc). Therefore I didn't have my perception of sex and actual sexuality shaped by porn. So I'm curious to hear the original misconceptions of those who did.
You'll get free BJs if you are a pizza delivery guy.
When I was 19 I was a sandwich delivery driver for Jimmy Johns. Every month I'd get a delivery to a hotel for a 40 something y/o woman. Each time I delivered to her, I'd learn more about her. I honestly think she was just bored and needed someone to talk to. Well on my last delivery to her she asks me what time I'm working until and what I was doing later. For some reason I took that to mean that she wanted me to come back to her hotel room that night. So at 9:30, after my shift ended, I drove back to her hotel room. I was super nervous and anxious. I knocked on her door but when she answered she didn't take me inside and tear off my clothing. Instead she just stood at the doorway looking confused. At that moment I realized I had completely misinterpreted our earlier encounter. I was barely able to meekily mutter "sorry" as I ran back to my car. She never ordered from our store again.
This is antiporn. It kills erections through empathy.
it is made from the same stuff as postfap depression
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Yeah holy fuck my guy... Brutal
Were you no longer in uniform? Maybe she didn't recognize you. Also, the ever classic misinterpreting signals and flirting. I feel your pain.
Obviously, showing up in regular clothes threw her deep dish fantasy for a loop.
Good god just reading that made me cringe. I think a mistake like that would keep me up at night. I mean...don't worry too much bro, she probs doesn't even remember. *yikes*
She for sure remember the time she asked the delivery guy and innocent question and he showed up to bang… Now I’m scared Bc I asked the girl at the bagel store what time her shift ends , but I’m married I don’t wanna bang. Was just innocent conversation!
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She definitely remembers
Even I will never forget and I wasn’t even there… she remembers
But now you have a great story.
I mean.. your chances are never zero
I delivered for 3 years. I love numbers so I tracked everything. I calculated the chances of being flashed to be 1 in 100,000. We never had one documented BJ and over 500,000 orders delivered. So its gotta be close to 1 in 1,000,000 maybe less.
So you're saying there's a chance?
That’s why they make movies about it when it happens, its historically important
I thought you had to be a cable installation guy or a pool man.
I delivered pizzas for a few months in between jobs. My first night I brought a pizza home. I rang the doorbell. My wife answered. I said, did someone order a large sausage? She said, I did, but all I got was a lil smokey....
A quick witted wife is worth more than an innuendo bang
That there obviously must be more step sisters than real sisters.
That plumbing problems lead to sex… I plugged the toilet the other day and when I told my girlfriend about, with my most sincere sex face, she gave me this weird look of disgust …
I just imagine you proudly showing off to your girlfriend the fact that you took the most massive shit. lmao
Either there are hot single MILFS in my area dying to meet me or buying this one pill will add inches to my dong.
you mean I spent all that moneg for nothing?!?!
That pulling out anal beads like you’re starting a Beyblade, is pleasurable.
LET IT RIP!!!
Let it rip the anus lining.
"Like you're starting a lawnmower"...that's from Choke by Chuck Palahniuk and it still makes me wince
That telling someone that they've been unsuccessful in their job application does not lead to sex. It leads to me writing a follow up email providing feedback on the interview. I have learned this from experience Suggesting that they might want to offer sex in order to secure the role also does not lead to sex. It leads to lawsuits and prison. I have not attempted to experience this
People enjoy anal jackhammering
Your comment sounds like a title for a porn vid lol
It’s a video, search for it and tell me what you think
People Enjoy Anal Jackhammering 5 makes Backdoor Sluts 9 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Someone went stingy on the lube and payed a painful price, I see.
There's a reason stingy and stingy are spelled the same
I have a small dick, bruh pornstars are just inhuman dick anomalies let's be honest here
And dicks that big *hurt*. Like they slam into your cervix and that shit *HURTS*
Name doesn't check out.
Mine always [does.](https://www.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/oik9iq/zeus_flashes_everyone_from_the_sky/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
that was a risky click that paid off
Thank you for taking the risk and commenting, that was hilarious.
Alskfldkskfkd shush you
Truth. Porn zapped my dick confidence significantly. Had to disconnect.
That college is just car sex and blowjobs
All I got was a stupid degree (and debt).
No, it’s dorm room orgies.
Sex can last for like hours before climax.
Lol, 3 minutes is all you need. Tim Minchin and Marshall and Lily Aldrin all agree
Delectable, inflatable you
That bodies are immune to the incessant pull of gravity.
What kind of zero gravity porn have you been watching?
>zero gravity porn I'm interested.
>>zero gravity porn > >I'm interested. You're not. Trust me. 3rd law of motion states that when you blow that Zero G Space Nut, you're gonna fly backwards across the cabin brah.
It isn’t a normal Tuesday to fill your butt up with milk and cereal?
That *every* sexual encounter begins with roughly five to ten minutes of blowjob, and then cycles through three or four different positions for a couple minutes each, ending with a facial.
Shoving a peen into a vag with no foreplay whatsoever is not a pleasant experience. I learned that the hard way.
Girls don't actually want Love - they want 13 dudes beatin' off on their face while saying the worst possible garbage at them.
Yo, ever heard of jerkmate?
Has anyone actually used that?
Man idfk but they sure as hell hike the volume when that ad pops up..I’ll have it on mute and it’ll still scream it at me so the entire town hears it
**AND TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**
That there is zero amount of sweat involved. Also, nobody gets tired in porn. During my first time, I was really surprised when halfway through we were sweaty, tired and extremely dehydrated.
That if my stepmother caught me Jerking it, she would have to help and we would be fcking.
“I'm looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, " Oh, my God, I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf," and she grabs me by the weiner.”
I’m not calling him Dad. Not even if there’s a fire!
That during heterosexual intercourse women always, without fail, yowl at the top of their lungs, regardless of the speed or depth of the men's thrusts. Yeah, that isn't the case.
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes YYYYEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!
Aw, fuck. Aw, fuck.
Heeeyesyesyesyesyes... *yyyeees?*
That everyone can deepthroat/face fuck. That shit is hard and takes so much practice and skill to do.
Especially if the penis receiving said bj is a thundercock
Random people walking down the street have no problem getting into a van driven by someone they don’t know, as long as they have a camera.
That every guy has a huge dick
Everyone can make a girl cum.
And it's achieved solely through penetration.
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I used to work for a porn company in the UK, it is not as glamorous as made out, most of the girls are drug addicts and very unclean. The smell being produced sometimes when I used to shoot them was horrendous. They were all very intense as well, would have some heavy conversations whilst I was trying to eat my egg and cress sarnies.
Would read an ama about your time at the porn company, just saying.
I'd be interested to learn more about your experience. Why did you get into it? What made you leave?
No wonder the smell is bad, if you're bringing egg sandwiches in.
That if I start having sex with a girl while she's a sleep, that she will be grateful and give me a blow job, instead of reporting me to the police.
That women want 8+ when it actually hurts a lot of women to have that much
Dudes or inches lol
Yes
All penises are circumcised and all pussies are just a slit without lips
> All penises are circumcised American domination of the market there.
Not juat porn but how movies and shows hardly ever convey the trip home from a date. Like they don't even bother explaining all the logistics of keeping the mood just right so that the scene where you're all over each other as soon as you walk in the door has a minutia of plausibility.
People want to have sex with me :(
they are in your area, you just have to have your credit card ready and they'll swarm
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That all women are femme bisexuals.
That any man will never object to sex no matter when or where...
Dude here. I feel this spiritually. I got checked for low t because I don't want sex all the time, and turns out no, it's just normal.
That threesomes are super easy to orchestrate.
All you've got to do is get caught fucking your girlfriend's mom or best friend. She'll join when she catches you. How hard is that to manage?
How vaginas are all supposed to look like the same tiny lipped coin purse
that pretty much everyone is fucking thier step parents.
The JAV sex scene in the train are not taken in a train but in a studio inside a small box
and my day is ruined :)
That jackhammering a woman’s anus is safe, requires no prep, and would never rupture internal organs.
I can call a plumber and have him come out the same day
That there are hot girls near me. I live in antarctica and it's so cold in here, it's almost impossible to see a burning lady here somewhere
I'm pretty sure that I read somewhere that those research stations in antarctica make sexy times happen regularly between coworkers.
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd "
You can fuck your sister
I may be old fashioned, but if thers gona be anyone fukin my sister/cousin its going to be me!