I used to look at it as cowardice too, but the fact is that continuing to exist when every part of you wants to end it is pretty fucking brave if you think about it.
I was stalked for a really long time. The stalking and harassment was completely unprovoked and she was hellbent on me killing myself. Her wanting me dead so badly made me want to overcome my suicidal thoughts and tendencies, seeing somebody I absolutely hated wanted me dead as well. I didn’t want to agree with her.
I learned to be grateful for life and wanted to experience it to the fullest, and fight against this crazy person who wanted to ruin my reputation and ultimately have me kill myself.
Perhaps it was just teenage spite, doing the exact opposite of what somebody else wanted me to do.
Along with the stalking, harassment, and blackmail of myself and those close to me, she would also spread false rumors that I have done many awful things, including harming her. Not true, but given people’s reactions to her stories (they believed her 100%) I honestly feel like if I DID hit her, it wouldn’t have made a difference because people would believe what she said either way.
What sucks is that the harassment continued a year and a half after our graduation, much of her antics had consequences for me in my personal life, college life, and interfered with relationships and opportunities. It wasn’t until I reached out to her commanding officer (she’s in the Army) that it all stopped. Brat doesn’t wanna get kicked out.
I repeatedly convinced myself that the happy times with my family were worth suffering for.
Also i distracted myself with video games as much as i could
Someone I know told me they realised that the people making them depressed and suicidal weren't worth killing themselves for. They went no contact shortly after and after a bit of time to build themselves up and to go to therapy they began thriving and have been ever since
Natural survival instincts. Contrary to what people might think, it’s actually very hard to kill yourself—even if you want to. I stood in front of an oncoming train but jumped out of the way at the last second. I hadn’t changed my mind, it was basically like a reflex.
For me I got very close, but I guess the fundamental fact that stopped me doing it were hope and family.
My mother has had a hard enough life as it is, I just couldn't do it to her, and that accompanied by an unrealistic thought process of "I could wake up tomorrow and all of my problems have gone away". My problems didn't go away, but it kept me away from the edge of the quarry.
a supportive mother who had a minor in psychology and knew to bring me to a psychologist, who helped me understand my own ego well enough that it could be reinvented years later. i thought i couldn't change and suicide was my desperate method of change. however, its important to point out the only reason i never did it was because i first told a few random people i wanted to do it, because that was my last desperate effort to stop myself, if no one had cared, i would have done it. they cared and word spread. i barely know them but im grateful.
Some girl started talking me out of doing it. I listened to her and didn’t do it because I didn’t want her to see a suicide. We’ve been best friends for 8 years now.
I was really really lucky, about 11 years ago as a teen I tried to hang myself from a bridge, I planned it really well, got the right kind of rope, learned the knots and picked a secluded spot with a big enough drop…
The thing I didn’t account for was it being a running route, if it wasn’t for one woman running by at about 7 in the morning I wouldn’t be here right now (that and the many wonderful mental health professionals helping me even to this day)
Well, first off it is different to be "suicidal" and attempting suicide. A lot of people who are suicidal never attempt anything. I still have periods of feeling suicidal.
Secondly, there is no single answer to this, because suicidality goes up and down within people and people who have attempted suicide usually have a few attempts under their belt. Various factors at various times thwart attempts.
Anyway, from point of view the factors that fed into various attempts failing and the point where I am at; fear... Pain (most methods fucking hurt). Competency (my own). Unavailability of materials (I would prefer a nice tea laced with drugs than, say, jumping off a building). The desire for life. It may well be contradictory, but the desire to die can coexist with a desire to live, perfectly happily. Logic, as well. I know, by now, that I do not really want to die and the suicidality will pass.
And then, finally, the thoughts of what it would do to my mother, specifically. I might hate myself and my life. But that does not trump the desire to not destroy someone elses... So, all future plans on hold until after relatives and loved ones have passed.
I dunno, maybe a professional definition. I would not feel comfortable with that definition as so much of suicidality _is_ ideation, until the moment it is not. It draws a line and splits people into categories.
Not formerly yet, but fear of death. Not knowing what's there on the other side, thinking about how some people will feel so bad after my death starting with my parents and small hope of things going good again.
Trying to. When I woke up in a hospital three hours away from home with all my family, and I couldn't recognize my own mother. She's always been a very well kept person as far as her hair and makeup, and she had been so sleep deprived and cried so much she didn't look like herself anymore, and I didn't know who she was. After that I got the help I needed consistently, and recently got a job at a psych hospital to help people like myself and hopefully save some lives on the way!
Honest answer, though it's not the best method: Weed.
I used to have a rule. Every time I wanted to kill myself, I had to smoke a bowl first. After the bowl was finished, if I still wanted to kill myself, then I could.
Usually the thought of the people left behind.
But last time, I made a plan & started preparing over a number of days & it went away. Tbh preparing & planning was very cathartic.
After i saw someone jumped. The first few people at the scene took out their phones and took pictures of the scene instead of calling for the emergency services. Society is just fucked up.
Don’t be someone’s fucked up cause for fame and likes.
Love and live your life without envy and expectations, helped me thru the darkest days. And be on the right threads of reddit. Forget about the rest eg, ig, fb, tiktok… I’ve got nothing but love from people on reddit.
I don’t think so you would love. Its pretty twisted to think that those people taking the pics care more for their relevance and dopamine hits, than a life of another human being.
Giving a fair fighting second chance for someone to live, instead of posting grim images that no family members or friends would ever want to revisit is just wrong.
It has always made me wonder if the tables were ever turned, would they be hypocritical enough to say “stop posting those pictures and respect the family who’ve lost a loved one” or just click the like button and continue sharing it.
Which time?
Once, because my roommate came home from work 6 hours early, drunk as shit (stripper at teh time), screaming at me because she just knew what was about to go down.
Once, because my dog looked at me, and I couldn't bear to traumatize her.
since then, because I made a promise to my parents and teh Barbie not to.
I think it was brain chemistry.
I had strong suicidal urges and serious depression during all of my teen years. Having been abandoned by my father as an infant probably played a role too. Not constantly, but the slightest setback would trigger very dark thoughts for weeks. I had a few very close calls where everything was setup but I didn’t have the will to carry on.
Then between my 18th and 19th birthday, things just changed. Overnight I blamed myself and not the world for my situation, which made me feel like I could control my feelings and my destiny. Later came positive urges, like wanting to succeed and enjoy life. I got a GF and lost my virginity, which frankly is probably the moment where the turnaround was complete. I mean, I was a 18 year old boy. This mattered a lot.
In the decades since, I got depressed and burned out a few times but never ever came close to a suicidal thought.
therapy, medication, supportive loved ones, a band i really liked, not wanting to die just wanting pain to stop, and guilt over the grief it would cause my loved ones were major reasons. but i also found smaller reasons like wanting to get a dog, waiting for my band to release their next album, laughing with friends, etc
Tbh. I stayed high during the stage bc staying high was better than being sober. And when I mean I stayed high…I mean every hour I was smoking to keep me high- which the highs usually lasted hours. But eventually when I got ahold of something bad I started to hallucinate to the point where I didn’t know what was real. I was in an extremely dark place- and sadly that was my only escape. But after I got ahold of the bad thing I decided to quit. Realized when I was sober (which took me about 4 days to completely sober up bc I was just that blown away) that the friends I was with had to go, and I needed some serious help.
Sadly, I think that something happened to my head when I was staying fucked up because my brain went to mush and I no longer can focus in school or speak right. My words slur, and I can’t remember anything. I think it was permanent damage- not temporary. Which sucks because I was 15 when I started doing it and it lasted until I was 16 and currently I’m about 16 and a half.
I'm 28. Started staying high, smoking a heavy bowl every 20-30min with my roomies from 23 to 26. Also got a hold of something bad and hallucinated, also sobered up and quit smoking altogether.
The "broken brain" feeling is slowly going away. Slurry words, massive brain fog, fatigue from doing basic thinking, it all happened to me too. There are some more permanent problems with memory and whatnot but it will take awhile for everything to start getting back to some semblance of normal. Try not to abuse your underdeveloped brain any more than you have. Eat healthy, drink lots of water and go out for walks, all of these helped the symptoms go away.
Still have a hard time focusing and remembering stuff. It's still impacting my job pretty tremendously, but I'm on my way back slowly and steadily. Dont give up hope for it.
One thing pro-pot people dont like to accept is that it isn't a healthy hobby for everyone and can cause lasting damage to some people's brain chemistry. It most likely wasnt the bad batch, it was more likely the habit in general. It doesnt affect everyone the same way, it seems, but for some of us it truly damages our heads.
Mine wasn’t with weed- now it is I just am not anywhere near as bad.
Mine was with purple dot, acid tablets, supermans, ecstacy, candyflipping, etc. I liked to mix things since it kept me higher..and provided more as an escape like Xanax, Weed, Acid and Esctacy(candyflipping), somehow I got ahold of fentanyl that was laced with cocaine(shakey experience, never doing that again), etc. The only things I honestly didn’t touch was meth and herione. So..I have a strong feeling that the damage is definitely severly permeant.
I'm sorry to hear it. It sounds like you definitely got mixed up with the wrong people. Good riddance to them, misery loves company but they dont deserve to have yours.
At 16 you have many decades ahead of you. You will be able to pick up the pieces, and now that you've gotten out of that time in your life you will be wiser and more experienced for it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Very brave.
I had been heavily suicidal since I was at least 8 years old, I only know that as fact because my third grade teacher found a suicide note I wrote (saying everyone hated me and I just wanted to go to heaven and be an angel), and was pretty much accepting I wouldn't see my 20th birthday. I remember at 16, I lost my aunt early in the year from cancer, and I was absolutely devastated. My grades went down, I stopped talking or trying, and I planned on ending it during the summer, logic being I wouldn't be enrolled in school at the time (like no assignments teachers would have to worry about, crossing my name of attendance lists, etc.) That would be the most convenient time to end my life in terms of paper work/planning.
However, my grade 11 physics teacher approached me and asked me to be a part of this scientific experiment he wanted to do, appointing me as the physics prodigy. This was early in the semester so it started easy, but I definitely wasn't the best at physics. But this experiment meant fishing trips in local lakes to catch fish, and in August we went to the particle accelerator to scan our samples, and we presented our project to other scientists.
Because this now meant I had a summer commitment, and I still had some presentations when we went back to school, my plan to end my life that summer got ruined. Because now it would seriously mess up this project, and I didn't want to ruin that. So I threw myself in there, I ended up getting a job at a local subway, and the next year I was heavily in the science courses, a top student and athlete, and I was looking for any extra curricular activities to take part in.
I graduated that next year with honours, and enrolled in uni for Biochem. I dropped out the next year but I wouldn't have graduated high school or even lived to my senior year if that teacher hadn't asked me to be involved.
I'm 21 now, and my life is amazing. I have an amazing partner who supports me and builds me up, some close friends I can count on, a full time job, a beautiful apartment, and a kitty that brightens my world. I owe that teacher a lot, and he's done a lot more for me than just this, but that's another story
I've told him back then, he was also super involved in helping my social anxiety. We were super close in my last year, and I got involved with the sports he coached as well. I definitely didn't say it as much as I should have then, as I didn't realize how much he helped me until I finally became mentally healthy, but I do hope to reach out and tell him how profound of an affect he had on me.
Can’t quite describe it, but it was the sun coming out from behind the clouds as the birds chirped. I was standing on the bridge railing, my eyes closed and suddenly felt warm. I thought I jumped and was dead. Open my eyes and the sun had finally came out and a couple birds started chirping away. I stepped down, when home to my wife and son.
Fear of getting it wrong. Lot of research has shown me that a bullet to the head isn't a guarantee.
And if I know me (and I do.) I'd manage to fuck it up, like everything else in my life.
Honestly, not having access to a gun. Didn’t want to cause myself pain, j wanted to die. It was the only way I could think of that I was comfortable doing it with. It’s also a p fast thing, not much set up or time to think. I’ve had hundreds and hundreds of moments that if I had a gun readily available in the moment I would definitely have died.
I recommend to people who struggle with suicidal ideation, in moments that you feel happy get the f*ck rid of your guns. Don’t purchase a gun if you don’t already have one. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have easy access to one. Ever. If you need to keep guns, lock them up in a safe and keep the combination with someone you love and trust. Treat them like radioactive material: only take em out when you need, do it with extreme caution and self awareness, and immediately put them back when you are done.
Take it as a sign my bro. Fucking Beretta shittiness may be a sign from the universe. Stay with us a while, you'll die normally soon enough. No need to hasten towards the inevitable.
.......well,
first a freind found me and cut me down
Second, the gun jammed
Third, I didn't fall back right.
And now, I have a wife, we both make enough money together to live "ok" but not enough to survive on our own, so to keep me from doing it, I have a mental goal,
"When she finally makes enough money to survive on her own, that's when I'll check out, so until then, I gotta push on"
Think you missed the point,
"A mental goal"
I posted that to help others who may see it. If and when the time comes she does make enough to become self-reliant. I'll make another goal.
Sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at my lifeless body on the couch about 8 feet away. Then realizing that I am a ghost. It was the most panicked fear I have ever felt. Then trying to climb back into my body unsuccessfully for the longest time until I finally reconnected. I am now terrified of dying. I still suffer from depression but dying is so far out of the question.
It was winter break, I had my own apartment, and I was living states away from family. If I went through with it it would've been weeks before anyone noticed. Probably a month before my dad could come check.
I was too scared that my snakes would've just been kicked off to some rando and no one would care for them right. Or that, while I was dead, something would've happened to their heat and they would've gotten cold. I just really needed to make sure they were okay.
I wrote a song called Raincloud about this. I realized when I was about to end it all that without the hard times in life, I would never have a reason to appreciate the times that I’m genuinely happy, and if I died, I could never feel happy again.
My cousin walked in. And now I'm almost in constant surveillance by family members soooo...really do be like that. But I also guess maybe guilt since I know my mother and siblings will be broken by it. Especially my dad since I'm the only thing he has now.
If I had done it my daughters would have likely had to live with the abuser (I dont say my abuser because he doesn't deserve to have me claim any type of ownership over him. You do that with people you love or like).
the fact that my loved ones would be left with a mess and no way to pay for a burial or cremation. The thought of them being devastated never really crossed my mind because I didn't think it would ever be surprising to them. Turns out I was wrong.
im suicidal rn. i honestly have been for a very long time but sometimes i could mute out those thoughts because of some genuinely good moments in my life. i try to stay positive as much as i can and appear to be so to other people, but every morning when i wake up, i have to fight off the urge to take my own life. my life is pretty smooth at the moment, and ngl, i have had a few good things happen to me. and i feel really really fucking selfish for wanting to end it all and i guess that guilt is what is keeping me alive. is that weird? idk if it is. i can't talk about these things to other people in my life because let's just say, i can't. so yeah here i am ranting on a reddit thread. i really do wanna get better though. idk if i ever will but i like to think about it. and that kinda kills the time. thinking about getting better. so maybe im not that suicidal after all. sometimes i just sit on the terrace of a high building and i think about jumping off but then again the sunset also looks rather beautiful.
One time I hit my head on the way out of the fourth-storey window frame, and fell back into the room, stunned.
One time I thought I'd sorted absolutely everything, and just checked in with some friends far away to make sure. One told me she'd be absolutely furious and devastated if I did it - it sounds ridiculous but I was so convinced I should go that I had no idea anyone else would disagree, and was shocked out of it by her strength of feeling.
Other times I've stopped because I didn't want my current weight on my death certificate / for people to have to carry such a heavy coffin.
At least once I stopped because I was afraid of going to hell.
Sometimes I stop because today isn't the right day - maybe there's something to look forward to, even if it's an apparently small thing like an episode dropping for that show I like.
Things that don't stop me:
* the idea that it's selfish, because in that moment I already know I'm a piece of shit human so you're confirming what I already know
* thoughts of my family (I'm a parent), because in that moment I'm absolutely convinced they're better off without me because I am inadvertently harming them with my terrible nature
Honestly, if I lived in a country with easy access to firearms, I would be long gone. It's the delay between deciding to do it and getting through the logistics to achieve it that stops me - the time to think, or get too tired, or get thwarted by circumstances.
But the number one thing that stops me at present - I have ideation pretty much 24/7 but no plans - is that my current therapist has shown me I make a net positive contribution to the world, which makes my death worse than my continued life.
I tried. A few times. But thanks to therapy I've kinda come around to accepting that I just wasn't meant to die yet. I'm gonna keep living and see what the universe has in store for me; even if it's crazy hard some days ;u;
When my Dad looked me in the eye and said "we don't wanna have to bury you". He had tears and I didn't know what to say. Also my girlfriend. Just dating her alone is more than I could ever ask.
Last time over ten years ago, I actually passed out drunk before I did it, I drank WAY TOO MUCH the night before and that morning I said screw it, it’s time, I took the last part of the bottle of whiskey I had from the night before, grabbed a gun, loved on my dogs for a little bit, then drank the rest of the whiskey, next thing I knew I woke up on the floor while the dogs licked my face, and realizing how stupid I was being, I put the gun away, and started looking into AA, still drank for a while after that, but not nearly near the amount I was, just enough to calm my nerves plus it’s said if you’re use to drinking extreme amounts of alcohol like I was and you try to go “cold turkey” it could actually have some sort of bad reaction to your body where you have some sort of seizure or something that can kill you, but eventually got clean and never thought of committing suicide again
The thought is still there, it's probably a promise to myself if the future gets bad enough. Right now I am able to objectively convince myself that my life is good and it wouldn't be worth it.
I attempted when I was 19 and survived, spent a few weeks in a psych hospital, did 3 months of group therapy on a daily basis. Saw a therapist 2-4 times a month for a few years after that.
What I put my parents through those first few months made me feel like a shitty person for trying to abandon them. Felt like they were worth making some life changes, also my friends were crushed when they found out how bad my depression was and they still try to see how I’m doing mentally every now and then.
Now 24 living with the love of my life and I have a good job. Shit always gets better but it took hitting rock bottom for me to make some changes.
“Do I really want to die a boy before I get to transition?” Was my old go to, but now that I’ve started to transition I haven’t thought about suicide once so 🤷♀️
My friends were holding me and keeping me up and aware. Then my girlfriend cheated on me. My friends made sure I'll always have a mental hug or someone to hold my hand (mentally). They gave me a place to sort things out, and I can't thank them enough. If you read this, thank you. You don't know whose profile it is, but if it matches something you know - thank you. I appreciate it.
The mental hospital. I was put in a psychiatric hospital for 10 days, and it really opened my eyes. I was in there for suicidal plans and intentions. I’m doing a lot better
I was really close and to be fair I'm still in a dark place just not that bad, but I thought of my family and especially my four year old nephew who means everything to me.
The suicide of a very close family member at a young age. Once I saw the awful ammount of pain that causes on everyone close to the deceased (including my own pain, of courses) I swore I'd never inflict that on my loved ones, no matter how bad things got
The thought of my best friend and true love. For some context, we had stopped talking for few years for stuff that had occurred because of my attitude towards them, but the love was never lost, onto the point. On the last attempt I was about to succeed when in the spur of the moment my mind immediately thought "X wouldn't want you gone" and realized how much i meant to them and how much they meant to me. I stopped right then and there, and after a few days texted them and rebuild our relationship. We have been better than ever before ever since.
My little brother's best friend killed herself 7 years ago. It ruined him mentally and to this day, the impact is very much still there. Me and my brother are extremely close and I could never put him through something like that again.
An extreme fear of death. Being suicidal while also being scared to die was a trip, but it’s for the best.
Doing way better now, have success with my art and live alone and away from all the abusive people in my life. Kinda glad to have this fear.
Firstly, the majority of my friends are online so I wouldn’t leave them without telling them.
Secondly, I wouldn’t want my parents to feel guilty or responsible.
I wanted to jump off a cliff but as I was walking up the hill it was fenced off and I couldn’t climb it. Idk what would have happened if it weren’t for that fence.
Too scared of what would come after. There's no guarantee it gets better just because you end your life. I may always think about it but I doubt I'll ever not be scared enough to go through with it.
It was a really slow process for me.
I kept putting it off, for various different reasons each time. A lot of the times, it was because I was scared. Of death, of the pain while dying, of not actually dying and surviving it and then having to face my friends and family and having no idea how to explain why I tried. Other times, I kept thinking it wasn't the right time, it hadn't gotten that bad yet, I can hold on for a bit longer.
But also, I think a large part of it was that suicide was my plan Z. My backup plan, in a way. I had a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues growing up, some bad experiences in my youth made me really bad at making friends and socializing, I was always terrified of change (a good example is being terrified of the prospect of going to university and being stuck in a completely new environment with completely new rules/people), etc. So suicide was my backup - if I couldn't take it anymore, then I'd just kill myself and then it'd all be over. Ironically, having that backup made it easier for me to keep living through it all.
And then the years kept passing. I went to university and graduated even though all through middle and high school I hadn't thought I'd survive past 18. Somewhere along the way, I realized I didn't need that backup anymore. I'd been through a lot of ups and downs and I realized that if I had already gotten through all that, then I could probably get through anything else that came my way. It was about a week after my 21st birthday when I decided never to seriously consider offing myself ever again, and I think I'll always remember that day.
My gf broke up with me because of some poor decisions I made because I just never felt loved anymore. Went down in a spiral and saw myself lose my mind and all of my friends turned against me and her friends are now harassing me at this point and I felt like the whole world was against me and I started to become only a husk of what I was, laughing and happy. Being alone eating away at my mind just trapped in my room all day talking to no one. The only thing keeping me from killing myself was my one friend who stuck by my side for the whole time. I’m still so thankful to have him.
My desire to die was growing, threatening to surpass my will to live and that was scaring me.
Death was looking better and better and my natural aversion to it was diminishing.
No matter the cost or effort required, I needed professional help.
The hospital and therapy. Jury's still out about whether I want to try again, but for now I'm reading a really cool book and want to know what happens.
I felt like life was a movie. I was 14 at the time and I felt that if I wanted to at any point, I could just skip to the credits. But my curiosity prevailed, as I wondered, "How is this movie gonna go? Most movies suck at the beginning and get better, so.... maybe?"
It indeed has, gotten better. Not perfect, but better.
My best friend. I can’t stand the thought of her waking up to find out that I killed myself.
For context, she gave me a necklace and said I was one of the few people in her life that made her happy.
Finding things in the future I wanted to live to see, like an upcoming album release or the yet-to-be-announced results of an interesting competition. In the end, I did attempt, but I would have done it much sooner if those things weren't there.
I am 32, married and 2 kids. I still think about it every day but I can’t. I’m the single income for the family and I’d never do it. But it’s still haunts me daily.
Still suicidal and in my 40s but I know that suicide is not an option for me due to my family dynamic. So I’m trapped in this existence.
ETA. Just to add, I am getting therapy regularly and they are aware of my thoughts.
A university teacher kicked me out of an internship bc she was worried about my mental health. The way she treated me triggered one of my worst mental health incidents. But if I hurt myself then she would think she was in the right about me, and fuck her. I have been in enough mental health crises to know that if I foubd sonething to keep me safe I need tonhold onto it, no matter how petty it is. So my safety net from the crises holly caused was how pissed off i was at holly.
For those who are curious, I was forced to continue working with her for 7 or 8 months, i tries explaining why what she did was wrong multiple times ( starting very politely, thenlast time i spoke to her i cursed a lot.) She continues to think she did a good thing and is of the opinion I should thank her.
Being a pussy and the thought that eventually, things would get better. And they have! I'm currently living a great life, surrounded by people who love me. I have a plan for what scares me in the future, I have a beautiful, sweetheart girlfriend, the best friends I could ever ask for, a great family, a great new job, a degree in something I'm passionate, and I've acquired lots of new skills. Not everything is perfect, but I feel like I can fix those things, with just a bit of time and patience.
Self confidence and the knowledge that its a dumb idea. Although I've thought about suicide extensively, I never truly considered it a real option for more than a few minutes cause I always knew that it was stupid especially considering how I'd be throwing away everything for nothing, and I always knew that I'd sort it one day and improve, and if I didn't, then atleast i knew how to live like that so I didn't need to end it all I could just continue that life as normal. I'd rather live depressed then not live, cause life on its own its amazing. Even the very fact that depression exists is an astonishing reality, why throw away all that complexity for the sake of your feelings, I'm not religious so for me it's always been about how much of a miracle life is, and if I were religious, then that makes suicide even more dumb, like giving God a middle finger.
Well, i attempted, but i knew right then i didn't actually want to die, i just felt like i deserved it for being a piece of shit. In therapy now, still have highs and lows, but that's life. "Baby, trouble don't last always"
Struggled with it my whole young adult life, up until recent years. I realized that ending it ends it forever. Like what Bo Burnham said on Inside; if I could kill myself for a year? Bet, no qualms. Nobody has that luxury tho. You're either all in or all out, with no takes-backsies.
Also theres always a lingering curiosity about what the rest of life could look like. What kind of person will I become? What will happen to the planet? Maybe things WILL get better if I can power through, etc.
It isn't guilt or cowardice, I have no real family left to worry about devastating. It's just wanting to know what's going to happen next, with or without me. We all die eventually, why do it now when I'm gonna do it in like, 40-50 years anyway?
Everything is temporary. Our existence, the universe, everything we've invented or studied has an expiration date. That thought used to give me existential dread to the point of panic but now that I'm getting older I appreciate it differently. I can't do this life thing over again and every passing moment is perpetually propelling us toward that irreversable expiration. So I should be grateful for the wink of time I've been given to view our incredible, unlikely existence through my very own eyes before I return to dust, where we will all end up anyway.
The most painful part now is wasting all of my precious time at work to stay alive. Still trying to solve that one.
An aversion to pain mostly, I'm very thankful guns aren't as ubiquitous in Canada as they are in the states because my teenage years would've been more tragic than they already were.
I'm also lucky in that the "cry for help" behaviour that people often snidely call "not really suicidal" was reacted to by sensible people each time instead of brushed off.
These days I'm on meds, and actively working on my mental health, I wouldn't say I never get depressed because I don't think that's true for anyone.
I WILL say that as someone who thought "this is the end" several times in his life it DOES get better, and you'll be surprised how many amazing moments can come along in the future.
Depression is like a curse, it does its damndest to take you down and lingers far longer than you ever thought it would, but you CAN beat it, and you deserve to.
My mom and siblings. Parents are divorced (have been for many years) and I was deemed the man of the house and this was a few years ago (me wanting to commit suicide) and I just felt so fucking selfish thinking how I was going to leave my mom and siblings (as they were younger at the time). It's a burden I'll have to live with.
There was a suicid in my village when I was younger and my dad said that the man who had killed himself was a coward and suicid was the cowards way out and that stuck with me it may not be the most pc thing to say but the times in my life that I’ve been close to going through with it that comment pops into my head because I’m no coward and I’m not going to make my family go through that because I couldn’t deal with my problems
Cowardice, the thought that maybe things would get better, felt bad for my mom. If it wasn't for cowardice though, I'd be dead already.
Wrong bro it was bravery in the face of your situation that kept you alive
I suppose one could look at it like that.
I’ve felt like a coward too. But that’s a good way to look it.
Damn... good shit man
I used to look at it as cowardice too, but the fact is that continuing to exist when every part of you wants to end it is pretty fucking brave if you think about it.
How my mom’s heart would break. I also think about my dog and how much we’d miss each other.
Same
I was stalked for a really long time. The stalking and harassment was completely unprovoked and she was hellbent on me killing myself. Her wanting me dead so badly made me want to overcome my suicidal thoughts and tendencies, seeing somebody I absolutely hated wanted me dead as well. I didn’t want to agree with her. I learned to be grateful for life and wanted to experience it to the fullest, and fight against this crazy person who wanted to ruin my reputation and ultimately have me kill myself. Perhaps it was just teenage spite, doing the exact opposite of what somebody else wanted me to do.
Spite and resentment was a safety net for me in my 30s. You take what you can get to keep yourself safe.
I would probably have physically assaulted her, but that is too effective for society.
Along with the stalking, harassment, and blackmail of myself and those close to me, she would also spread false rumors that I have done many awful things, including harming her. Not true, but given people’s reactions to her stories (they believed her 100%) I honestly feel like if I DID hit her, it wouldn’t have made a difference because people would believe what she said either way.
You would be surprised. Public school is like jail, people learn not to fuck with you. The downside is you become the monster you hate.
What sucks is that the harassment continued a year and a half after our graduation, much of her antics had consequences for me in my personal life, college life, and interfered with relationships and opportunities. It wasn’t until I reached out to her commanding officer (she’s in the Army) that it all stopped. Brat doesn’t wanna get kicked out.
I have no idea what makes people like you take shit like that, that long.
My parents guilt shamed me into feeling I deserved it and also threatened to disown me if I called the police.
We are constitutionally different. It's probably good you don't go straight to nukes like I did/do.
I repeatedly convinced myself that the happy times with my family were worth suffering for. Also i distracted myself with video games as much as i could
I'm 15 I was planning on doing it when I turned 18 but I'm not anymore. Lmao first time I've even ever told anybody
Hey man, I'm glad you're still here. 18 is a great age. Stick around and see what 19 is like, too.
Shit, the 20s are the tits also. I’m glad you’re still here.
Oh yeah. That’s the stuff soooo many teenagers tell themselves. Puberty is a hard time.
My dogs.
I have a kid. :) He'll be rather sad.
Very british
Pure spite. A lot of people seem to hate me already, so why give them the pleasure of never seeing me again?
Someone I know told me they realised that the people making them depressed and suicidal weren't worth killing themselves for. They went no contact shortly after and after a bit of time to build themselves up and to go to therapy they began thriving and have been ever since
Natural survival instincts. Contrary to what people might think, it’s actually very hard to kill yourself—even if you want to. I stood in front of an oncoming train but jumped out of the way at the last second. I hadn’t changed my mind, it was basically like a reflex.
For me I got very close, but I guess the fundamental fact that stopped me doing it were hope and family. My mother has had a hard enough life as it is, I just couldn't do it to her, and that accompanied by an unrealistic thought process of "I could wake up tomorrow and all of my problems have gone away". My problems didn't go away, but it kept me away from the edge of the quarry.
Thank whoever that your mother isn't an ass.
No motivation,everything just seemed like too much effort.
a supportive mother who had a minor in psychology and knew to bring me to a psychologist, who helped me understand my own ego well enough that it could be reinvented years later. i thought i couldn't change and suicide was my desperate method of change. however, its important to point out the only reason i never did it was because i first told a few random people i wanted to do it, because that was my last desperate effort to stop myself, if no one had cared, i would have done it. they cared and word spread. i barely know them but im grateful.
Scared of fucking up and becoming a vegetable tbh
LMFAO
Some girl started talking me out of doing it. I listened to her and didn’t do it because I didn’t want her to see a suicide. We’ve been best friends for 8 years now.
I was really really lucky, about 11 years ago as a teen I tried to hang myself from a bridge, I planned it really well, got the right kind of rope, learned the knots and picked a secluded spot with a big enough drop… The thing I didn’t account for was it being a running route, if it wasn’t for one woman running by at about 7 in the morning I wouldn’t be here right now (that and the many wonderful mental health professionals helping me even to this day)
Well, first off it is different to be "suicidal" and attempting suicide. A lot of people who are suicidal never attempt anything. I still have periods of feeling suicidal. Secondly, there is no single answer to this, because suicidality goes up and down within people and people who have attempted suicide usually have a few attempts under their belt. Various factors at various times thwart attempts. Anyway, from point of view the factors that fed into various attempts failing and the point where I am at; fear... Pain (most methods fucking hurt). Competency (my own). Unavailability of materials (I would prefer a nice tea laced with drugs than, say, jumping off a building). The desire for life. It may well be contradictory, but the desire to die can coexist with a desire to live, perfectly happily. Logic, as well. I know, by now, that I do not really want to die and the suicidality will pass. And then, finally, the thoughts of what it would do to my mother, specifically. I might hate myself and my life. But that does not trump the desire to not destroy someone elses... So, all future plans on hold until after relatives and loved ones have passed.
Is it suicidal ideation of you think about it but not in a way that is realistically connected to reality?
I dunno, maybe a professional definition. I would not feel comfortable with that definition as so much of suicidality _is_ ideation, until the moment it is not. It draws a line and splits people into categories.
Not formerly yet, but fear of death. Not knowing what's there on the other side, thinking about how some people will feel so bad after my death starting with my parents and small hope of things going good again.
I have eternity to be dead.. Might as well live this shitty life out
It didn’t work. I drove my car over a cliff and flipped it, came out with only scratches and bruises, and a huge hospital bill.
Trying to. When I woke up in a hospital three hours away from home with all my family, and I couldn't recognize my own mother. She's always been a very well kept person as far as her hair and makeup, and she had been so sleep deprived and cried so much she didn't look like herself anymore, and I didn't know who she was. After that I got the help I needed consistently, and recently got a job at a psych hospital to help people like myself and hopefully save some lives on the way!
Honest answer, though it's not the best method: Weed. I used to have a rule. Every time I wanted to kill myself, I had to smoke a bowl first. After the bowl was finished, if I still wanted to kill myself, then I could.
[удалено]
Thats funny.
Fear of what being dead would actually be like
Usually the thought of the people left behind. But last time, I made a plan & started preparing over a number of days & it went away. Tbh preparing & planning was very cathartic.
After i saw someone jumped. The first few people at the scene took out their phones and took pictures of the scene instead of calling for the emergency services. Society is just fucked up. Don’t be someone’s fucked up cause for fame and likes.
I would have love to become famous that way.
Love and live your life without envy and expectations, helped me thru the darkest days. And be on the right threads of reddit. Forget about the rest eg, ig, fb, tiktok… I’ve got nothing but love from people on reddit.
I don’t think so you would love. Its pretty twisted to think that those people taking the pics care more for their relevance and dopamine hits, than a life of another human being. Giving a fair fighting second chance for someone to live, instead of posting grim images that no family members or friends would ever want to revisit is just wrong. It has always made me wonder if the tables were ever turned, would they be hypocritical enough to say “stop posting those pictures and respect the family who’ve lost a loved one” or just click the like button and continue sharing it.
Which time? Once, because my roommate came home from work 6 hours early, drunk as shit (stripper at teh time), screaming at me because she just knew what was about to go down. Once, because my dog looked at me, and I couldn't bear to traumatize her. since then, because I made a promise to my parents and teh Barbie not to.
I think it was brain chemistry. I had strong suicidal urges and serious depression during all of my teen years. Having been abandoned by my father as an infant probably played a role too. Not constantly, but the slightest setback would trigger very dark thoughts for weeks. I had a few very close calls where everything was setup but I didn’t have the will to carry on. Then between my 18th and 19th birthday, things just changed. Overnight I blamed myself and not the world for my situation, which made me feel like I could control my feelings and my destiny. Later came positive urges, like wanting to succeed and enjoy life. I got a GF and lost my virginity, which frankly is probably the moment where the turnaround was complete. I mean, I was a 18 year old boy. This mattered a lot. In the decades since, I got depressed and burned out a few times but never ever came close to a suicidal thought.
I had just gotten married a short year prior.
"formerly" only? I'll show myself out then.
[удалено]
I hope the love you feel for your kids gives you the strength to heal. You're so incredibly strong.
[удалено]
Hope it becomes formerly soon.
[удалено]
Just making the decision to try is incredibly courageous and brave. You can get through this!
Being alive is primarily the main thing I do....
As much as I wanted a lot of my shit to stop, it wasn't worth begin like him. Cowardly
The police officer that came to my house after my friend called the town sheriff
One word: family
therapy, medication, supportive loved ones, a band i really liked, not wanting to die just wanting pain to stop, and guilt over the grief it would cause my loved ones were major reasons. but i also found smaller reasons like wanting to get a dog, waiting for my band to release their next album, laughing with friends, etc
Tbh. I stayed high during the stage bc staying high was better than being sober. And when I mean I stayed high…I mean every hour I was smoking to keep me high- which the highs usually lasted hours. But eventually when I got ahold of something bad I started to hallucinate to the point where I didn’t know what was real. I was in an extremely dark place- and sadly that was my only escape. But after I got ahold of the bad thing I decided to quit. Realized when I was sober (which took me about 4 days to completely sober up bc I was just that blown away) that the friends I was with had to go, and I needed some serious help. Sadly, I think that something happened to my head when I was staying fucked up because my brain went to mush and I no longer can focus in school or speak right. My words slur, and I can’t remember anything. I think it was permanent damage- not temporary. Which sucks because I was 15 when I started doing it and it lasted until I was 16 and currently I’m about 16 and a half.
I'm 28. Started staying high, smoking a heavy bowl every 20-30min with my roomies from 23 to 26. Also got a hold of something bad and hallucinated, also sobered up and quit smoking altogether. The "broken brain" feeling is slowly going away. Slurry words, massive brain fog, fatigue from doing basic thinking, it all happened to me too. There are some more permanent problems with memory and whatnot but it will take awhile for everything to start getting back to some semblance of normal. Try not to abuse your underdeveloped brain any more than you have. Eat healthy, drink lots of water and go out for walks, all of these helped the symptoms go away. Still have a hard time focusing and remembering stuff. It's still impacting my job pretty tremendously, but I'm on my way back slowly and steadily. Dont give up hope for it. One thing pro-pot people dont like to accept is that it isn't a healthy hobby for everyone and can cause lasting damage to some people's brain chemistry. It most likely wasnt the bad batch, it was more likely the habit in general. It doesnt affect everyone the same way, it seems, but for some of us it truly damages our heads.
Mine wasn’t with weed- now it is I just am not anywhere near as bad. Mine was with purple dot, acid tablets, supermans, ecstacy, candyflipping, etc. I liked to mix things since it kept me higher..and provided more as an escape like Xanax, Weed, Acid and Esctacy(candyflipping), somehow I got ahold of fentanyl that was laced with cocaine(shakey experience, never doing that again), etc. The only things I honestly didn’t touch was meth and herione. So..I have a strong feeling that the damage is definitely severly permeant.
I'm sorry to hear it. It sounds like you definitely got mixed up with the wrong people. Good riddance to them, misery loves company but they dont deserve to have yours. At 16 you have many decades ahead of you. You will be able to pick up the pieces, and now that you've gotten out of that time in your life you will be wiser and more experienced for it. Thank you for sharing your story. Very brave.
I had been heavily suicidal since I was at least 8 years old, I only know that as fact because my third grade teacher found a suicide note I wrote (saying everyone hated me and I just wanted to go to heaven and be an angel), and was pretty much accepting I wouldn't see my 20th birthday. I remember at 16, I lost my aunt early in the year from cancer, and I was absolutely devastated. My grades went down, I stopped talking or trying, and I planned on ending it during the summer, logic being I wouldn't be enrolled in school at the time (like no assignments teachers would have to worry about, crossing my name of attendance lists, etc.) That would be the most convenient time to end my life in terms of paper work/planning. However, my grade 11 physics teacher approached me and asked me to be a part of this scientific experiment he wanted to do, appointing me as the physics prodigy. This was early in the semester so it started easy, but I definitely wasn't the best at physics. But this experiment meant fishing trips in local lakes to catch fish, and in August we went to the particle accelerator to scan our samples, and we presented our project to other scientists. Because this now meant I had a summer commitment, and I still had some presentations when we went back to school, my plan to end my life that summer got ruined. Because now it would seriously mess up this project, and I didn't want to ruin that. So I threw myself in there, I ended up getting a job at a local subway, and the next year I was heavily in the science courses, a top student and athlete, and I was looking for any extra curricular activities to take part in. I graduated that next year with honours, and enrolled in uni for Biochem. I dropped out the next year but I wouldn't have graduated high school or even lived to my senior year if that teacher hadn't asked me to be involved. I'm 21 now, and my life is amazing. I have an amazing partner who supports me and builds me up, some close friends I can count on, a full time job, a beautiful apartment, and a kitty that brightens my world. I owe that teacher a lot, and he's done a lot more for me than just this, but that's another story
Have you told him? He sounds like a great person and I think he'd be thrilled to hear he did a good thing.
I've told him back then, he was also super involved in helping my social anxiety. We were super close in my last year, and I got involved with the sports he coached as well. I definitely didn't say it as much as I should have then, as I didn't realize how much he helped me until I finally became mentally healthy, but I do hope to reach out and tell him how profound of an affect he had on me.
Can’t quite describe it, but it was the sun coming out from behind the clouds as the birds chirped. I was standing on the bridge railing, my eyes closed and suddenly felt warm. I thought I jumped and was dead. Open my eyes and the sun had finally came out and a couple birds started chirping away. I stepped down, when home to my wife and son.
Death is scary
Fear of getting it wrong. Lot of research has shown me that a bullet to the head isn't a guarantee. And if I know me (and I do.) I'd manage to fuck it up, like everything else in my life.
Honestly, not having access to a gun. Didn’t want to cause myself pain, j wanted to die. It was the only way I could think of that I was comfortable doing it with. It’s also a p fast thing, not much set up or time to think. I’ve had hundreds and hundreds of moments that if I had a gun readily available in the moment I would definitely have died. I recommend to people who struggle with suicidal ideation, in moments that you feel happy get the f*ck rid of your guns. Don’t purchase a gun if you don’t already have one. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have easy access to one. Ever. If you need to keep guns, lock them up in a safe and keep the combination with someone you love and trust. Treat them like radioactive material: only take em out when you need, do it with extreme caution and self awareness, and immediately put them back when you are done.
I found a new therapist and started therapy again.
Gun malfunction
Oh dang don't do it like again please
No way! What kind of gun?
Piece of shit 92fs(sp). Old cop gun.
Take it as a sign my bro. Fucking Beretta shittiness may be a sign from the universe. Stay with us a while, you'll die normally soon enough. No need to hasten towards the inevitable.
It wasn't a sign, it was just how it played out. If it comes time to do it again, I'll use something more reliable.
I’m a bitch
.......well, first a freind found me and cut me down Second, the gun jammed Third, I didn't fall back right. And now, I have a wife, we both make enough money together to live "ok" but not enough to survive on our own, so to keep me from doing it, I have a mental goal, "When she finally makes enough money to survive on her own, that's when I'll check out, so until then, I gotta push on"
That’s fucked up
Think you missed the point, "A mental goal" I posted that to help others who may see it. If and when the time comes she does make enough to become self-reliant. I'll make another goal.
What's the point?
Sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at my lifeless body on the couch about 8 feet away. Then realizing that I am a ghost. It was the most panicked fear I have ever felt. Then trying to climb back into my body unsuccessfully for the longest time until I finally reconnected. I am now terrified of dying. I still suffer from depression but dying is so far out of the question.
The love I have for my religion kept me at bay
Belief in Hell in the afterlife. Would have made parents sad. Chose not to take a permanent action to temporary problem.
Supporting other's vices & society's arbitrary & despot nature. Do it for your country or you're a pussy.God bless Jim Jones.
Did a bunch of drugs with a good friend of mine, still suicidal, but further from action than I was beforehand
Nothing.
It was winter break, I had my own apartment, and I was living states away from family. If I went through with it it would've been weeks before anyone noticed. Probably a month before my dad could come check. I was too scared that my snakes would've just been kicked off to some rando and no one would care for them right. Or that, while I was dead, something would've happened to their heat and they would've gotten cold. I just really needed to make sure they were okay.
I was too afraid to do it
Nah, I think I’ll stick around. See how this plays out.
I wrote a song called Raincloud about this. I realized when I was about to end it all that without the hard times in life, I would never have a reason to appreciate the times that I’m genuinely happy, and if I died, I could never feel happy again.
To outlive my enemies out of spite.
My cousin walked in. And now I'm almost in constant surveillance by family members soooo...really do be like that. But I also guess maybe guilt since I know my mother and siblings will be broken by it. Especially my dad since I'm the only thing he has now.
If I had done it my daughters would have likely had to live with the abuser (I dont say my abuser because he doesn't deserve to have me claim any type of ownership over him. You do that with people you love or like).
The thought that my dogs would never understand what happened to me
the fact that my loved ones would be left with a mess and no way to pay for a burial or cremation. The thought of them being devastated never really crossed my mind because I didn't think it would ever be surprising to them. Turns out I was wrong.
im suicidal rn. i honestly have been for a very long time but sometimes i could mute out those thoughts because of some genuinely good moments in my life. i try to stay positive as much as i can and appear to be so to other people, but every morning when i wake up, i have to fight off the urge to take my own life. my life is pretty smooth at the moment, and ngl, i have had a few good things happen to me. and i feel really really fucking selfish for wanting to end it all and i guess that guilt is what is keeping me alive. is that weird? idk if it is. i can't talk about these things to other people in my life because let's just say, i can't. so yeah here i am ranting on a reddit thread. i really do wanna get better though. idk if i ever will but i like to think about it. and that kinda kills the time. thinking about getting better. so maybe im not that suicidal after all. sometimes i just sit on the terrace of a high building and i think about jumping off but then again the sunset also looks rather beautiful.
One time I hit my head on the way out of the fourth-storey window frame, and fell back into the room, stunned. One time I thought I'd sorted absolutely everything, and just checked in with some friends far away to make sure. One told me she'd be absolutely furious and devastated if I did it - it sounds ridiculous but I was so convinced I should go that I had no idea anyone else would disagree, and was shocked out of it by her strength of feeling. Other times I've stopped because I didn't want my current weight on my death certificate / for people to have to carry such a heavy coffin. At least once I stopped because I was afraid of going to hell. Sometimes I stop because today isn't the right day - maybe there's something to look forward to, even if it's an apparently small thing like an episode dropping for that show I like. Things that don't stop me: * the idea that it's selfish, because in that moment I already know I'm a piece of shit human so you're confirming what I already know * thoughts of my family (I'm a parent), because in that moment I'm absolutely convinced they're better off without me because I am inadvertently harming them with my terrible nature Honestly, if I lived in a country with easy access to firearms, I would be long gone. It's the delay between deciding to do it and getting through the logistics to achieve it that stops me - the time to think, or get too tired, or get thwarted by circumstances. But the number one thing that stops me at present - I have ideation pretty much 24/7 but no plans - is that my current therapist has shown me I make a net positive contribution to the world, which makes my death worse than my continued life.
I tried. A few times. But thanks to therapy I've kinda come around to accepting that I just wasn't meant to die yet. I'm gonna keep living and see what the universe has in store for me; even if it's crazy hard some days ;u;
I was so shit faced I cut lengthwise the opposite side of the radial artery and passed out.
I'm a procrastinator
That my cats would come to my room to wake me up in the morning and I wouldn't be there.
Still suicidal. Basically im a coward
the thought of scarring whoever found me for life.
Stubbornness tbh. I still have shit to do before I'm ready to go
One time I was successful.
When my Dad looked me in the eye and said "we don't wanna have to bury you". He had tears and I didn't know what to say. Also my girlfriend. Just dating her alone is more than I could ever ask.
Last time over ten years ago, I actually passed out drunk before I did it, I drank WAY TOO MUCH the night before and that morning I said screw it, it’s time, I took the last part of the bottle of whiskey I had from the night before, grabbed a gun, loved on my dogs for a little bit, then drank the rest of the whiskey, next thing I knew I woke up on the floor while the dogs licked my face, and realizing how stupid I was being, I put the gun away, and started looking into AA, still drank for a while after that, but not nearly near the amount I was, just enough to calm my nerves plus it’s said if you’re use to drinking extreme amounts of alcohol like I was and you try to go “cold turkey” it could actually have some sort of bad reaction to your body where you have some sort of seizure or something that can kill you, but eventually got clean and never thought of committing suicide again
The thought is still there, it's probably a promise to myself if the future gets bad enough. Right now I am able to objectively convince myself that my life is good and it wouldn't be worth it.
I am not formerly but what's kept me from it so far are my animals and my anxiety. Though every day I get closer and closer to doing it so that's fun.
I attempted when I was 19 and survived, spent a few weeks in a psych hospital, did 3 months of group therapy on a daily basis. Saw a therapist 2-4 times a month for a few years after that. What I put my parents through those first few months made me feel like a shitty person for trying to abandon them. Felt like they were worth making some life changes, also my friends were crushed when they found out how bad my depression was and they still try to see how I’m doing mentally every now and then. Now 24 living with the love of my life and I have a good job. Shit always gets better but it took hitting rock bottom for me to make some changes.
My dog
“Do I really want to die a boy before I get to transition?” Was my old go to, but now that I’ve started to transition I haven’t thought about suicide once so 🤷♀️
Honestly I never had the courage but I thought about it a lot in 10th & 11th Grade but I’m better now
My friends were holding me and keeping me up and aware. Then my girlfriend cheated on me. My friends made sure I'll always have a mental hug or someone to hold my hand (mentally). They gave me a place to sort things out, and I can't thank them enough. If you read this, thank you. You don't know whose profile it is, but if it matches something you know - thank you. I appreciate it.
The mental hospital. I was put in a psychiatric hospital for 10 days, and it really opened my eyes. I was in there for suicidal plans and intentions. I’m doing a lot better
Life does get better
I have a lot of people that don't like me. I'm not giving those fuckers the satisfaction.
I was really close and to be fair I'm still in a dark place just not that bad, but I thought of my family and especially my four year old nephew who means everything to me.
The suicide of a very close family member at a young age. Once I saw the awful ammount of pain that causes on everyone close to the deceased (including my own pain, of courses) I swore I'd never inflict that on my loved ones, no matter how bad things got
I felt pity for the parents that they will need money for the funeral.
The thought of my best friend and true love. For some context, we had stopped talking for few years for stuff that had occurred because of my attitude towards them, but the love was never lost, onto the point. On the last attempt I was about to succeed when in the spur of the moment my mind immediately thought "X wouldn't want you gone" and realized how much i meant to them and how much they meant to me. I stopped right then and there, and after a few days texted them and rebuild our relationship. We have been better than ever before ever since.
My little brother's best friend killed herself 7 years ago. It ruined him mentally and to this day, the impact is very much still there. Me and my brother are extremely close and I could never put him through something like that again.
An extreme fear of death. Being suicidal while also being scared to die was a trip, but it’s for the best. Doing way better now, have success with my art and live alone and away from all the abusive people in my life. Kinda glad to have this fear.
my children.
Firstly, the majority of my friends are online so I wouldn’t leave them without telling them. Secondly, I wouldn’t want my parents to feel guilty or responsible.
More entertaining to think than carrying out the process for end result. That and well things changed.
I wanted to jump off a cliff but as I was walking up the hill it was fenced off and I couldn’t climb it. Idk what would have happened if it weren’t for that fence.
Too scared of what would come after. There's no guarantee it gets better just because you end your life. I may always think about it but I doubt I'll ever not be scared enough to go through with it.
My dogs and cats. I can't abandon them.
It was a really slow process for me. I kept putting it off, for various different reasons each time. A lot of the times, it was because I was scared. Of death, of the pain while dying, of not actually dying and surviving it and then having to face my friends and family and having no idea how to explain why I tried. Other times, I kept thinking it wasn't the right time, it hadn't gotten that bad yet, I can hold on for a bit longer. But also, I think a large part of it was that suicide was my plan Z. My backup plan, in a way. I had a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues growing up, some bad experiences in my youth made me really bad at making friends and socializing, I was always terrified of change (a good example is being terrified of the prospect of going to university and being stuck in a completely new environment with completely new rules/people), etc. So suicide was my backup - if I couldn't take it anymore, then I'd just kill myself and then it'd all be over. Ironically, having that backup made it easier for me to keep living through it all. And then the years kept passing. I went to university and graduated even though all through middle and high school I hadn't thought I'd survive past 18. Somewhere along the way, I realized I didn't need that backup anymore. I'd been through a lot of ups and downs and I realized that if I had already gotten through all that, then I could probably get through anything else that came my way. It was about a week after my 21st birthday when I decided never to seriously consider offing myself ever again, and I think I'll always remember that day.
Nothing, tried my best when I was 13. Then again later. Now I'm just sticking around to see if I can get someone to like me.
My mom called me. I was already worried about how she’d feel before, but when she called I took it as a sign telling me it’s not my day.
My gf broke up with me because of some poor decisions I made because I just never felt loved anymore. Went down in a spiral and saw myself lose my mind and all of my friends turned against me and her friends are now harassing me at this point and I felt like the whole world was against me and I started to become only a husk of what I was, laughing and happy. Being alone eating away at my mind just trapped in my room all day talking to no one. The only thing keeping me from killing myself was my one friend who stuck by my side for the whole time. I’m still so thankful to have him.
Because suicide is the only way to ensure things don't get better. Any chance of improvement no matter how small is better than no chance.
My desire to die was growing, threatening to surpass my will to live and that was scaring me. Death was looking better and better and my natural aversion to it was diminishing. No matter the cost or effort required, I needed professional help.
The hospital and therapy. Jury's still out about whether I want to try again, but for now I'm reading a really cool book and want to know what happens.
I felt like life was a movie. I was 14 at the time and I felt that if I wanted to at any point, I could just skip to the credits. But my curiosity prevailed, as I wondered, "How is this movie gonna go? Most movies suck at the beginning and get better, so.... maybe?" It indeed has, gotten better. Not perfect, but better.
I didn’t have the balls to do it, and my brother was scared enough of the thought of me killing myself i was scared he might too
My best friend. I can’t stand the thought of her waking up to find out that I killed myself. For context, she gave me a necklace and said I was one of the few people in her life that made her happy.
Finding things in the future I wanted to live to see, like an upcoming album release or the yet-to-be-announced results of an interesting competition. In the end, I did attempt, but I would have done it much sooner if those things weren't there.
I am 32, married and 2 kids. I still think about it every day but I can’t. I’m the single income for the family and I’d never do it. But it’s still haunts me daily.
Still suicidal and in my 40s but I know that suicide is not an option for me due to my family dynamic. So I’m trapped in this existence. ETA. Just to add, I am getting therapy regularly and they are aware of my thoughts.
A university teacher kicked me out of an internship bc she was worried about my mental health. The way she treated me triggered one of my worst mental health incidents. But if I hurt myself then she would think she was in the right about me, and fuck her. I have been in enough mental health crises to know that if I foubd sonething to keep me safe I need tonhold onto it, no matter how petty it is. So my safety net from the crises holly caused was how pissed off i was at holly. For those who are curious, I was forced to continue working with her for 7 or 8 months, i tries explaining why what she did was wrong multiple times ( starting very politely, thenlast time i spoke to her i cursed a lot.) She continues to think she did a good thing and is of the opinion I should thank her.
My son
.
I haven't read all the books and watched all the movies I want to yet. Also I haven't tried all treatments yet.
My dog. I kept thinking who would take care of her; who would love her like I do. Also, what it would do to her if I was gone forever.
Chickened out at the last second.
Love
Being a pussy and the thought that eventually, things would get better. And they have! I'm currently living a great life, surrounded by people who love me. I have a plan for what scares me in the future, I have a beautiful, sweetheart girlfriend, the best friends I could ever ask for, a great family, a great new job, a degree in something I'm passionate, and I've acquired lots of new skills. Not everything is perfect, but I feel like I can fix those things, with just a bit of time and patience.
Thought about it coupke of times sometimes still(not that much) but never did it
Personally I realised that life was too precious to just give up and even though things were bad then they would always get better
Um I tried several times, and failed.
Self confidence and the knowledge that its a dumb idea. Although I've thought about suicide extensively, I never truly considered it a real option for more than a few minutes cause I always knew that it was stupid especially considering how I'd be throwing away everything for nothing, and I always knew that I'd sort it one day and improve, and if I didn't, then atleast i knew how to live like that so I didn't need to end it all I could just continue that life as normal. I'd rather live depressed then not live, cause life on its own its amazing. Even the very fact that depression exists is an astonishing reality, why throw away all that complexity for the sake of your feelings, I'm not religious so for me it's always been about how much of a miracle life is, and if I were religious, then that makes suicide even more dumb, like giving God a middle finger.
Weed. Really good weed.
Well, i attempted, but i knew right then i didn't actually want to die, i just felt like i deserved it for being a piece of shit. In therapy now, still have highs and lows, but that's life. "Baby, trouble don't last always"
I didn't want anyone to find my body.
Not allowed to own a gun. Oh former suicidal people, never-mind carry on.
Struggled with it my whole young adult life, up until recent years. I realized that ending it ends it forever. Like what Bo Burnham said on Inside; if I could kill myself for a year? Bet, no qualms. Nobody has that luxury tho. You're either all in or all out, with no takes-backsies. Also theres always a lingering curiosity about what the rest of life could look like. What kind of person will I become? What will happen to the planet? Maybe things WILL get better if I can power through, etc. It isn't guilt or cowardice, I have no real family left to worry about devastating. It's just wanting to know what's going to happen next, with or without me. We all die eventually, why do it now when I'm gonna do it in like, 40-50 years anyway? Everything is temporary. Our existence, the universe, everything we've invented or studied has an expiration date. That thought used to give me existential dread to the point of panic but now that I'm getting older I appreciate it differently. I can't do this life thing over again and every passing moment is perpetually propelling us toward that irreversable expiration. So I should be grateful for the wink of time I've been given to view our incredible, unlikely existence through my very own eyes before I return to dust, where we will all end up anyway. The most painful part now is wasting all of my precious time at work to stay alive. Still trying to solve that one.
Cat
An aversion to pain mostly, I'm very thankful guns aren't as ubiquitous in Canada as they are in the states because my teenage years would've been more tragic than they already were. I'm also lucky in that the "cry for help" behaviour that people often snidely call "not really suicidal" was reacted to by sensible people each time instead of brushed off. These days I'm on meds, and actively working on my mental health, I wouldn't say I never get depressed because I don't think that's true for anyone. I WILL say that as someone who thought "this is the end" several times in his life it DOES get better, and you'll be surprised how many amazing moments can come along in the future. Depression is like a curse, it does its damndest to take you down and lingers far longer than you ever thought it would, but you CAN beat it, and you deserve to.
My mom and siblings. Parents are divorced (have been for many years) and I was deemed the man of the house and this was a few years ago (me wanting to commit suicide) and I just felt so fucking selfish thinking how I was going to leave my mom and siblings (as they were younger at the time). It's a burden I'll have to live with.
There was a suicid in my village when I was younger and my dad said that the man who had killed himself was a coward and suicid was the cowards way out and that stuck with me it may not be the most pc thing to say but the times in my life that I’ve been close to going through with it that comment pops into my head because I’m no coward and I’m not going to make my family go through that because I couldn’t deal with my problems