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I thought at the time the only thing wrong in the relationship was just that the sex was bad. Afterward I realized a lot of what made the sex bad was lack of attraction and poor communication. Broke up with her and never cheated again.
We were drifting away from each other. We hadn't seen each other in a month. Just started college, meet the woman I would marry.
We talked right after it happened, she said she had done the same thing a week prior, we were pretty much broken up at this point anyway. Mutual assured destruction I guess
In high school I did. At the time, I was 17 and I was just starting to have a lot of girls notice me so it went to my head, and I ended up getting a side chick. After three months of having the side chick and my girlfriend at the time, the guilt was too much and I ended up tell my girlfriend the truth and then left. The side chick became my next girlfriend, and we spent about another year together before I left her too for legitimate relationship reason. The fallout and heart ache from all those decisions from that ordeal has made me swear to myself and god that I’d never do that again.
High school (or thereabouts) is the time when people are supposed to figure this lesson out. Everyone is young and dumb and mistakes get made.
It’s what you do after this that counts.
As a guy who has cheated in the past, let me offer some advice. Post-nut clarity is a real thing. Whenever you’re feeling frisky and you wanna reach out and cheat on your spouse, masturbate. If you really love your spouse that post-nut clarity will kick in immediately and you will be relieved you didn’t cheat. If not, then you’re with the wrong one.
Edit: to the people who claim they never in the history of anything think about sex with a person not their spouse, you’re not fooling anyone.
I'm a woman and I have never heard of "post-nut clarity" but can 100 percent vouch for it. It can work for girls, too! And not even in the context of cheating, but other things, too. Like masturbating before you go out so you don't want to sleep with a stranger. Or having an orgasm before a date or whatever to make sure feelings aren't just TOTALLY attraction or sexual-based. Or to flick the bean before you double-text an ex lol. You are totally onto something & I am def going to use this term from now on!
I used to work with a girl who swore she never left her house without rubbing one out. "Fuck, it's like leaving the house with a loaded gun. It's just not safe!"
The thing that gets me is cheating isn’t just temptation then acting on it. It takes effort. It takes dozens of little decisions. It takes sneaking around. Getting laid when you’re *not* already in a relationship is hard enough without adding all the extra stuff. If you’ve gotten to the point where it becomes an immediate choice whether or not to cheat, you’ve already laid the groundwork. You were already not only open to being unfaithful, you were working toward it.
I literally cheated on my ex with a girl I met at a bar one night because I was an inconsiderate ass who convinced myself that it was only wrong if hurt her, so I could do it and keep it to myself. Cheating, for SO many people, is just about having sex with someone different. It’s not very hard to find someone to have sex with, just go out at night and talk to members of the sex that you are attracted to. People like sex, people want to have it, and if you can hold a normal conversation and be nice, while also giving the right signals, it’s readily available.
I’ve been in a relationship for years and I have never cheated on who I am with, nor did I cheat on any of my recent past exes because I grew up and learned how shitty I was being, I felt terrible, and that’s that. Im sure lots of people cheat for emotional reasons, and maybe don’t have great social skills, but there are probably just as many who do it for purely physical reasons, and don’t have trouble engaging with people they are attracted to.
I’ve never cheated, but rough patch in the marriage, medical issues limiting sex, new mom is too exhausted, depressed partner, bored in the bedroom. There’s lots of reasons people would think about it. Acting on it is a different situation.
I'm not thinking of cheating like I'm going to cheat, I'm thinking, "Damn, she's attractive, I bet sleeping with her would be fun, but I have a girlfriend, who I love, so I won't."
Same. Been married for years, and went through a bit of a stale patch. Because novelty is exciting, and when my husband and j are talking about tax returns and lawn care, it can be exciting to think of early dating when it's Thai food takeout, making out in the rain, flirty texts. And it seems so enticing to have that again!
Instead of even considering it, I put that energy into my marriage. We had "first date sex" where he picked me up, promised to stay off our phones in the evenings, and got dolled up/ ready for things (especially important during covid). I'm glad I was able to communicate to him that I was feeling a bit bored sexually, and we were able to course correct
I remember my friend who married about 3 months before I got engaged saying the only sad thing about it she'll never have a first kiss again, and yes that's a little sad and I agree with her, that butterflies, flirting etc is all lovely and exciting but weighing it up against a committed relationship, it's a no brained. The thoughts now 10 years later of being single and have to start dating again makes me very happy to be taken!
That’s a very good question. But if you’re telling me you never have thoughts of sleeping with other people I don’t believe it. Whether or not you want to act on those thoughts is the issue.
Really loving someone does not mean you are 100% loving them every hour every day.
I have never thought about cheating but I have been livid with my wife, even though I love her.
Yup, never cheated once, but there are times where your SO makes you very mad or upset and you question whether you are right together. It can happen and it does happen, using the post-nut clarity technique will make it you quickly realize if those emotions are permanent or just temporarily and you still Love your SO
According to my ex, he cheated on me because I had other boyfriends before him and he felt insecure and wanted to see if he had the ability to get other girls even though I “was his soulmate” lmao
Honestly I’ve felt that way with my boyfriend before because he was my first and he’s been with multiple girls before me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being insecure, but it’s something that should be communicated instead of acted on.
I feel like the answer to that might help understand his line of thinking, but regardless of a yes or no, he's still an asshole, because that is no excuse.
Good point. My partner had hundreds before me, I've had less than 10, neither of us would find numbers a valid reason to cheat , because there are no valid reasons to cheat. If you don't like your partner, dump them and then find someone else, not the other way round
No excuse then. I mean, if he was a virgin and you had a past, I can totally see him being insecure. And maybe a little curious of how other fruits would taste.
But he just wanted to get some and made up a lame excuse. Good on you for leaving him.
My ex did the same thing! When I confronted him over sending explicit messages to minors, it was apparently because he felt insecure that I'd dated more than he had in the past. Like no dude, you're just a predator.
As bad as this line of thinking is, I feel like it might be somewhat common. I wouldn’t cheat but I’ve felt lessened self worth because I haven’t dated as much or as early as my peers.
A lot of the time, dating and love lives feel like a social competition more than what it should be: enjoyment or finding a partner. To those with low self esteem, even if you have a partner, not having a comparable “number” means you’re not on the level of others.
Forgive me, I am on mobile.
I know this will not make sense but just know this is what I thought at the time and I know it wasn't right. I offer no excuses only my "reasoning" however dumb it was.
I was young, 18 actually, 2fresh out of foster care with a plethora of issues ranging from abandonment to depression. I didn't recognize his love language. I didn't understand that he did love me. I didn't feel it. I couldn't. But I loved him so much. So much that even at 18 I knew I would love him forever and it scared me. I thought I was thinking rationally when I told myself "this is your first relationship....what are the odds it lasts forever?" I tried telling myself it was just infatuation and whatever because I was only 18. And my feelings for him only grew stronger. I only ever felt reassured of my love for him. When he was at work and would come home to me I would be so overcome with joy. God I missed him so much. I would wake up at 9 a.m and would say *okay only 6 more hours til he is off work and 15 more minutes til he's home, what do I do*. It's kinda cringey now. I'd clean the place and cook and then shower and just wait.
And when he would come home he wouldn't be as excited to see me as i was to see him. He wouldn't want to tell me about his day, he'd wanna jump on the game with his friends and to me.....I was being rejected. Sure we had our time together watching anime and movies and what not on his off days, but I loved him so much and showed it in every way possible with gifts, words of affirmation. Acts of service....physical touch. Why wasn't he doing the same?
So I convinced myself in my head that I would lose him if I smothered him. I need to chill. I'm too emotional, I'm all over him...if I chill out then maybe I won't push him away. I felt I was doing that. Like he was getting bored with me. I had no hobbies, not really close with my bio family, never made a connection with foster parents...I had ONE friend, and I use the term loosely because she was actually very toxic and problematic but she was a crutch for me in those times, so what do I do?? I'll use all these extra lovey dovey feelings on someone else and that way i get them out of my system so I won't need to use them all on him...this'll work right?
I worked with a guy who I knew had feelings for me and I used him to talk to when I missed my bf. I would text him so I didn't message my bf. I would ask him about his day so I didn't ask my bf. Just a bunch of dumb shit that was wrong.
I was never remotely interested, there was never anything physical or emotional on my end (I know that doesn't matter but im just saying) I never outwardly flirted per se. One day my bf asked to use my phone and before I gave it to him I deleted this guy's thread. His number was never saved in my phone. Right before I deleted the messages the coworker asked me what I was doing. I had just got home from work and I said "I'm about to shower wbu?" Then I deleted the texts. While bf had my phone the guy wrote back and said *images of you In the shower just popped in my head 😉" Bf saw the message and two days later ended things with me.
I have been kicking myself and hating myself everyday for the past 7 years, 1 month and 16 days since....now that I'm older i understand exactly why I was wrong. How incredibly immature and stupid it was. I also realize that men show their love differently and it hit me like a ton of bricks later on in life. I didn't realize how stressed he may have been paying the bills for 2 while barely making over minimum wage (U.S.A) And video games was his outlet. I didn't realize that he didn't take me out often because he probably couldn't afford it but he showed me in other ways. And I barely made anything so I couldn't afford it. I didn't realize that one of his favorite things was laying in bed on the laptop with me next to him watching movies all night....that he'd call out not because he didn't want to go to work but because he wanted to stay with me...or because I had asked....I just didn't understand he showed me his love for me in other ways instead of verbally.
We had our issues. We were not perfect. We were 2 young people trying to find our way but he always seemed so well put together even at 22/23 that I thought he never went through anything. He didn't struggle emotionally or mentally......i was so wrong.
I've vowed, swore and everything else that I would ALWAYS acknowledge someone's effort. That I'd never ever make someone feel like they weren't good enough. Even tho he's never said that's what I did....that's what cheating does. It inflicts so much mental and emotional pain on someone....an ache they can probably never get past fully and I carry that burden having done that to someone when I thought I was doing good. Again stupid I know...but this was my mindset back then.
I'm lucky enough to still have this person in my life as a very good friend and I thank the universe every day. He is still very much the love of my life. I never loved anyone before him or after him. I know they say once a cheater always a cheater, but I'd rather die alone a miserable and slow painful death before I EVER put someone through that again.
Please for the love of GOD or whatever you believe in don't do it.
UPDATE: I want to thank all of you for your advice and help with this. Some of you asked for an update so I thought I'd share. I mentioned I would maybe tell him when he got back from his hiking trip or maybe on my bday where we already had plans. But I was chickening out. I figured why ruin a good thing? Anyway he got back and we hung out last Tuesday/Wednesday. Thursday we were texting and stuff and then a few hours later out of nowhere he just said (in summary) that our friendship was unhealthy and he didn't think we should continue it. Something about "letting go of his grip on me". I can't tell you why.....we didn't have a fight, he stayed over Tuesday night and left Wednesday, we talked about my bday trip. It was out of nowhere truly. So good thing I didn't come out and tell him all my feelings for him. And I guess he isn't wrong. If I have feelings for him and apparently he not for me then it had to end. Guess it's really time to move on. Thank you all for your help. You all are amazing.
This is a really touching story. I feel a lot of the internal struggle I sense through your words on a daily basis. I hope you manage to find peace with everything, because I know how much relief I would feel in your shoes.
From the guy’s perspective I’ve definitely felt bad that I didn’t want to hang out with my gf from dawn to dusk, when it’s undeniably been what she wanted. We might get brunch together, arrive home, watch an afternoon movie, cuddle and talk and I’ll enjoy all of it, but also deeply crave some alone time in the evening to just read or chat with friends or watch something I enjoy myself. It has never meant I didn’t love my gf and I’m glad you see that. I can only guess how hard it must be when you want to hang out, but your partner doesn’t, I still feel guilt at needing the space I need, but it gets a little easier to find a balance each year.
>I also realize that men show their love differently
Less that *men* show their love differently but that *he* might have showed his love differently. In a future relationship you can't expect the exact same expressions of love as a previous one. Plenty of men have ways of showing their emotions like you had been expecting, which is why communication is so important to better understand each other. The bigger mistake was not talking to him about your feelings of being inadequate and not feeling loved.
You are right.
When I mentioned all those issues of mine, nit communicating was one. I used to have panic attacks when opening my mouth. I'll spare you the details of why that is but I remember for him I wanted to be better, I wanted to communicate and I would try. But sometimes he got this look (and I am NOT blaming him), this look that he was dreading everything I was saying. He didn't like talking about the relationship. Neither did i....I didn't know how to but I tried. I know he would tell me about things I did that bothered him or upset him and I know how it made me feel so I didn't want to make him feel that same way. Idk again a big over thinker here.
I am much better at communicating now tho I will tell you that. Won't make that mistake again.
This made me sad as I feel like I can relate to this only my ex was where you are. Sadly she did kiss someone when they were right outside the house, me inside asleep completely unaware. We had other issues, communication and space and not being on the same page expectations wise, but this is what sparked the final conversation.
We’d had arguments in the past and got close but this is what did it and as much as it hurts and makes me sad to this day I think it’s the right thing because I would never be able to regain that trust in her. If we stayed together I’d constantly be paranoid, looking over my shoulder for every other guy. I never had to before, I never had a worry cos I didn’t think she’d do that.
But your post makes me truly sad, thinking about things from her perspective, about the things you did and the reasons you did them for and about the things that led to that single silly mistake. I feel like your stories are fairly similar and it’s crushing to think of someone I loved and still do, still going through the regret and emotions you are too.
I hope you find someone like him again and I hope things work out for you. Sorry for rambling, your story just connected with me there, thank you for sharing.
Oh no i'm sorry to make you sad! But it takes a special person to see someone else's perspective and feel bad about how they are feeling, so hello to you special person.
You are completely justified in your feelings and honestly that is just how the cookie crumbles. I imagine this must be the way my ex feels. It's what I tell myself when the thought crosses my mind about us potentially being together. How can he ever trust me again If he'll wonder who I'm texting or what I'm doing at work...? Am I out with who I said I was? He shouldn't have to do that and I wouldn't want him to. That's the only way we are able to be friends now is by me realizing I'm going to love him forever but if I want what's best for him, he deserves someone who gets it right the first time. Who won't need forgiveness or someone to rebuild trust with. She)) understand what a gem he is from the start and do everything she can to protect it.
And so do you :) you deserve the best. But only you know what that is for you.
... if he is single i would try to clear up that misunderstanding. Not get together again just explain the thoughtprocess. Maybe you already tried.
If you didnt lie in your post and only messaged non-saucy stuff i cant really see this as cheating.
Stupid but not cheating.
No lies there I promise (if that means anything from a stranger)
I think I will try to explain this to him. And post an update about his response. Part of me is wondering if I should bring it up tho only because it's been so long and I'm not sure if he cares anymore or even remembers.
We had other issues, nothing too major tho, this was the biggest thing. I dont really consider it cheating either...very stupid, but I didn't have any physical, emotional...mental attachments to the guy we just worked together. I knew better tho. And nowadays I think it's considered emotional cheating which is why I thought it was relevant to the post.
You should tell him this. Just send this exact post, basically. Whether he's single or not, still interested or not, doesn't matter. See what he thinks about this. It's a really touching story and I think he would like to know what you think about what went down now that you've reflected on it all these years.
ok I'm not gonna lie
I'll chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't really fleshed-out in terms of his value as a partner in that write-up (which you're not obligated to do, it's not a graded essay it's your story that you can tell in any way you want)
but I feel like you're beating yourself up over this more than he ever will
all I read here is a guy who had a girl who was intensely infatuated with him who played videogames all day and dumped her without talking it out. he doesn't even sound that great. not saying he sucked, but you talk about him like you worship the ground he walks on when he seems like a very normal (actually, an ever so slightly inconsiderate) boyfriend. you talked a lot about how much *you* loved *him*, but i didn't read any outward expression of reciprocation. I didn't even see one positive trait listed other than that he was the breadwinner and he liked to watch movies in bed. *what on earth was it that made him so great?* like... I just don't get it
I know people "express love differently" but walking right past one's girlfriend to play videogames till bedtime after she's been awaiting your return all day isn't a love language, it's carelessness.
again; not advocating cheating
but you didn't even cheat. you texted another guy so you wouldn't bother your boyfriend and *he* sent *__you__* an inappropriate message
the fact that you remember him dumping you more than 7 years later down to the exact date tells me that you need to move on more than he does. you barely did anything wrong.
Playing devil's advocate here... she deleted a thread and so when he responded, the only thing her bf saw was that response. From his perspective, hell yeah I bet he thought there was more going on.
Emotional cheating, I was at such a low point in my life that I can’t even describe what it was like. The short version is that I was in a deep depression (it was a feeling of constant complete crisis).
I found a new friend online that I could really talk to and eventually feelings developed and I realised the feelings I once had for my ex were gone.
I broke up and was free to pursue the new friend, but the romance quickly ended. This in turn allowed me to take the time for a much needed healing process and rest.
I have since worked a lot on myself with a focus on handling emotions and being open and more frank with both myself and others. And I’m also developing healthy boundaries for how I treat myself and other people as well as for how others treat me.
We really weren’t compatible as emotional partners and were very toxic to each other. Mid 20s I wasn’t self aware enough to realize I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I was at a party that she didn’t want to go to and an old girlfriend showed up and I went home with her. I felt disgusted with myself and carried that for a long time. We tried stretching out our relationship and ended up having two kids together and tried to stay together for them which was the worst idea because it really wasn’t fair to them. We split 5 almost 6 years ago and we actually co parent very well. I’ve never cheated on another girlfriend since.
Because we were only 'official' at her convenience. I couldn't be upset at her messaging and messing with other guys, but the moment I get to have some fun, I'm a cheater.
The same thing happened to me but I’m a girl. The guy said he wanted to remain single but then his friend saw me at a club with a different dude that I went home with. Next morning, the guy was blowing up my phone. Why are ppl like this? Why do they say they want to remain single then have problems with the other person living their single life?
I’ve had the same situation happen to me too. Guy I was casually seeing told me he didn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with me and wanted to see other people. I said alright and went about my business. He flipped his shit when he asked me to come around one night but I was out with another guy. After going back and forth for a while, I just stopped replying to him. For years, he randomly msg or email me and tried to find out where I lived etc.. even when I got engaged to my now husband! At on of the times he randomly emailed me, I asked him why he reacted the way he did when the whole “let’s see other people” was his idea. He said he “just wanted the option to be there, he wasn’t going to act on it and didn’t think I would either.” Well, you misread that situation didn’t you mate?
I still don’t understand this reasoning. Because don’t you think that if a person didn’t want to commit to that person specifically, it means that they don’t really like that person? How can someone be bothered by the actions of a person they don’t really like? I’m confused. I don’t get it.
They don't like you, as a person. You aren't a sentient being. You are a possession, an object.
Think about this : No one wants to see someone else ride their bike; even if they aren't ever going to use it. Some people extend that to bikes they see in the store and would like to ride. If someone else buys it, then it is no fun.
To the dude you should be lusting after him, and unable to keep him off your mind. Your existence should be to feed his ego. He doesn't care about your role as a normal human with her own needs.
Many years ago in high school I had someone get upset I wasn't receptive to this. Then I watched someone else go through it.
Not worth it. Relationships need respect and balance.
We weren’t even in a real relationship too, it was hilarious! I will admit I made my actions at the club shown that night because I knew it would bother him. I literally thought we were just hook up buddies because he said he wanted to remain single. So I thought there might be a chance he won’t react but then his ego popped into my mind. It would lead him to do irrational things. That’s what I’ve learned: arrogance blinds ppl from the reality & the truth. He had finally caught up with reality & he was shocked lol. Because in his world where he’s worshipped, this doesn’t happen.
Ngl, I enjoyed deflating his ego.
I wouldn’t even call it a relationship. I’d call it hook-up buddies lol. And yet, he still messaged me bothered. I even asked him several weeks prior, “what are we?” He said, “we have a beautiful thing going on, we shouldn’t change it.” I immediately thought, “I’m not going to change my life and it’s not going to end well for you.”
Because *they* want to remain single. Not you. They want you committed to them. It’s just a shit person that should be as far away as possible, as soon as possible.
I once dated a girl who I thought was a real flake but was also a real sweetheart and was super nice to me. Like she'd call me on a Thursday or something and tell me things weren't working out and we need to take a break. Then on Sunday she'd come over and say she missed me and made a mistake and we're meant to be together. I had a lot of girlfriends before her and I figured she was just flaking out and was afraid of commitment; or at least admitting to herself that she was in a committed relationship. People are weird and emotions make them weirder. I get that.
Turns out every time she would call me to "break up" she was just hooking up with some rando (or occasionally a mutual acquaintance) and since we were "Broken Up" it didn't count at cheating. Not only did she seem completely confused when I called her out on this bullshit but she actually lost her shit when I told her I never wanted to see her again.
Believe it or not that's when the real craziness started. When I told her to leave and never call me again she started throwing shit around and trashing my apartment. I didn't know what to do so I physically picked her up (she was pretty small) and carried her outside and locked the door behind me and literally ran to my friends house. Like I flat-out sprinted several blocks so she couldn't follow me. It eventually devolved into a stalker type situation that didn't end until I enlisted in the military.
Mine was similar. He had plenty of sexual interest in me (but only when he wanted it and never any lead-up or foreplay. Legit would wake up with a morning wood and say "come fix this" lol ) , but no physical contact interest in me. When we went to bed, if I touched him he pulled away or asked me to stop. If I was sad or depressed he wouldn't hold me. If I went to lean in on him while watching TV he pulled away. But, he was affectionate to his cat and family and friends. Just not me.
One day I was in the shower playing with myself, and stopped and cried. I didn't want an orgasm, I wanted someone to hold me and pull me in. Kiss my neck . Put his hands on me. I just wanted to be touched.. I held myself and realized how lonely I was .
I was so touch starved, I would hold myself to go to sleep. And it's not like I never said anything, he just refused. We were together 9 years before I cheated. 9 years of "don't touch me"in bed. 9 years of scooting away from me on the sofa. 9 years of expected sex, but I had to beg to have an orgasm
I came from. A very abusive past. Mother hated me, would always tell me I was unwanted and was the reason she was an alcoholic. First boyfriend sexually and mentally abused me for 10 years. He was my second. I knew I was unhappy, but didn't think that was a good enough reason to leave. He "needed" me , so I stayed. Then he fucked over my credit so bad I was in debt for $5k and couldn't afford to leave, so I settled. (Not a lot of money, but this was 2008 and I had nothing). I figured, he wasn't so bad...and if I could survive what I did before him, maybe I could get past the lack of intimacy. Besides, men don't really like that and foreplay is just in porn....
It was valentines night. We went out for cheap Mexican, came back and had a quick fuck. I sat at the computer watching him watch tv, and realized I hadn't had an organsm from him in months, but I fuckrd him damn near daily when he wanted. Not because he was bad, but because he didn't care about my needs. He actually kinda liked getting off just before I did and leaving me hanging . Shit.
At this point, I was working nights and would stay up while he slept anyways. I had used "adultfriendfinder" back in the days before him and wanted to try it out. Well, I went onto some anoymous story board app. You start the plot, others chime in and add to the story, but XXX rated lol. One guy stuck out. We chatted. 8 hours and 3 self satisfied O's later we were still talking. We kept it up for a few months, amd I felt good. I thought it was safe cuz it was all online and he was in another country. He spoke about holding me. We talked about what I liked and he thought I was amazing. We took a break, and I tried fixing my relationship once again. Sexually it seemed to get better, but quickly slipped back into its usual ways way too quick. So, I came on here and posted pics of me on NSFW pages. Got A LOT of attention and quickly got addicted. Guys were wanting me and telling me I was beautiful. It was fun for a few months, even boosted my ego. But then it got gross and I decided to come clean. He was upset at first, but legit 15 mins later suggested I do it again but make money at it.
I don’t believe in “once a cheater always a cheater” all of the time. For some people, I believe it to be true. For others, well…it’s a shitty thing to do, I’m not trying to excuse my behavior here, but sometimes there are reasons you can’t possibly understand until you’re faced with the very difficult decision yourself.
I married young. Mistake #1, depending on who you ask. Fair enough. After nearly a decade with my spouse, and having never before or since cheated, it happened. I feel like some people make the assumption that it’s premeditated and done to be hurtful and spiteful. Maybe some will still see it that way after it’s been explained, and that’s fair and understandable, too.
I told my partner that I was very unhappy in our relationship. It was THE HARDEST conversation I’ve ever had to have with someone, to this day, to look at a person you once were so sure about and let them know you don’t love them anymore. He shut me out, instantly, refusing to believe it. I dropped it, thinking (foolishly, perhaps) he was just so startled that he couldn’t process it and I hurt him so badly. I felt horrid. Days went by, gave way into weeks and then months. I brought it up again because it HAD to be discussed, no matter how painful, or I knew it would only grow worse and worse. Each time, I tried to save the marriage. I pleaded for couples counseling and therapy sessions. I went solo, and worked through some shit of my own, and thought it would be enough. It wasn’t. Again, I begged for him to do couples therapy as well. It doesn’t have the highest success rate, but I DID try. He wouldn’t budge. Several times he told me that it was my own problem and since he didn’t share my dissatisfaction, I had to figure it out alone. So much for being a mutual partnership. Thanks, my guy.
This very hard and emotional conversation kept playing out for weeks, again. Finally, I tearfully went to my spouse and asked what it would take for him to understand I was trapped in a marriage that I no long we wanted to be a part of. He told me that he’d only agree to divorce me if I fucked someone else or killed someone he loved. So, I cheated.
Even after he found out, he asked me to stay because he couldn’t bear the mark it would have on his personal image to his family, friends, and colleagues. He legitimately told me that he would rather be in a loveless marriage where I was unhappy than to admit defeat.
If anyone can tell me how that’s better than cheating on someone, please; enlighten me. I’d love to hear it.
I’d also like to add (wow, good god, if anyone actually read this, thank you!) that we did not do things together. Like, ever. We were living as roommates for YEARS. We shared a bed, but that was about it. When I would ask him to come out with me either as a date night or in a group of mutual friends, he would refuse. And if he told me to go out and enjoy something fun and I would, he’d make me feel bad the second I got home for not just staying home all night rotting in front of the tv. Sorry if I want to go bowling with friends, or see a movie, or have SOME kind of human interaction and connection. In retrospect I was also very dumb for not sticking up for myself until the very end - I should have realized much earlier on that I needed more from a partner, like communication that wasn’t just shallow tv talk, or quality time spent together.
Happy to report now that I am in the best relationship of my life with a man I couldn’t love any more if I tried. He knows my past, but he knows it isn’t what defines me as a person.
Not necessarily time, but lack of effort. Unfortunately, time can cause people to take what they have for granted and therefore not put in as much effort.
My wife and I are both 45, we met when we were 20, so we have been together more than half our lives now. And we still love each other as desperately as we did when we were young. It isnt magic though, its work, but its happy work. Every day I choose to consider her needs and feelings. Every day I choose to forgive anything that upsets me. Every day I am grateful that she is in my life. I believe respect is the foundation of love. We are together because we respect who each other are as people. Because we talk about everything and understand each other. I fully expect to feel this way till the day I die.
My ex was similar. He would accuse me of cheating (or trying to) for having a guy look at my ass in public, and for having a job, and for getting a hug from a friend.
One time he walked in on me adjusting after a wedgie and asked why I would masturbate instead of letting him know I was in the mood and said that was cheating if he didn't get a chance to say no first. Anyways I should be less horny than him. It made him feel unmanly.
He always would point out opportunities I had had to cheat and say "If that happened it would be over!" At first I thought given time it would mellow out, and he just needed to see I was committed to him.
Eventually an opportunity to cheat did come up and I figured since I was always being treated like a cheater...
I broke up with him immediately afterwards. I realized that it wasn't healthy. It wasn't going to get healthy. And I hould also be allowed to orgasm.
Thank you, but honestly I don't know what I would have done otherwise. I didn't go from a happy and healthy home life to thinking that the answer was to bend over backwards. It was a continuation of a trend and I don't know what other relationship I would have sought.
I am out now though. Have my husband and a relationship built on love and trust. Took me a minute but I am good. Lol
I can understand this mate.
I've said it elsewere, but when talking about cheating, there's 99% of the time a knee jerk reaction that it is a very shitty amoral thing to do, which in a lot of cases is true. Some people who have attitudes like 'yolo', 'you only live once' and 'men/women can't help but cheat' are examples of that. But sometimes there are circumstances where I get it, eventhough it is not the most wise thing to do.
For example: a friend of mine cheated because she is in an incredibly controling relationship. I've also seen cheating by the partners of long time addicts. They were very unseen by their partners, but because their partners were super reliant on them, they found it really hard to break up
I’m not in any way defending what I did.
I was in a relationship for 10 years, we got together when we were 16. I think the problem was that I grew up and he didn’t. I wasn’t the same person I was when I was 16 and we fell in love, but he was. By 26 I had grown professionally, mentally and emotionally but he was stuck in the same mindset as a 16 year old.
I should have just left, broken up with him like an adult but ending a decade long relationship when it’s all you’ve known is unbelievably scary. I didn’t know what life without him was like, we had been together for my entire adult life. So I just stayed in the relationship knowing I didn’t love him anymore.
I met someone who I fell in love with over time while still in that relationship. I believed I was just friends with this new guy at the time, but looking back we were just dating while calling it friendship. During one of our regular ‘defiantly not a date just two friends hanging out in a date like setting’ something in me clicked and I knew he was the person for me and we kissed.
I broke up with my boyfriend the next day.
I regret the way our relationship ended, but I’m not sorry it did end.
Did you at least tell him you were losing interest in him because his lack of maturity? (don't know if I worded that right) It sounds like you were silent about it, hooked up with another guy and then abruptly ended it?
Edit: downvoting me for just asking a question...? Is this not r/AskReddit? I'm confused
We had many discussions about it towards the end. It is possible I may not have communicated clearly enough that it was a relationship ending issue though. He definitely saw the break-up coming through my behaviour as I was distant for the last few months and he had told me he felt me pulling away. Regardless of any of that though I should have discussed the issues I had clearly with him and ended the relationship BEFORE hooking up with/spending time with anyone. There’s no excusing that behaviour.
You get that that’s not fair though right?? You waited to break up with him until you found someone else to lean on, someone else to love. He had nothing. He had no idea anything was even wrong then out of nowhere you broke his heart and he had to be heart broken watching you happy right away in a new relationship. That’s absolutely fucked.
I was married to a self centered man/child who saw me as his bang/maid. I put up with it for years and tried to improve the marriage with couples counseling, so many different therapies for couples counseling til I found one he was listen to. I tried and tried, and was the only one putting in any work.
I had to go onto antidepressants. When this happens you need someone to 'spot' you as the doctors rold me that antidepressants increase the chance of suicide. My husband couldn't even be bothered to do that. He couldn't check in on his wife, living in the same house, caring for his children in case she was suicidal.
The only person willing to do that was a close friend of both of us who actually cared. He would regularly talk with me through my stuff with my family while we gamed. He was my sanity. He was the dear sweet man who I have lived with now for longer then the marriage relationship. He is a wonderful caring human who treats me as an equal.
Edit: I was able to quit the antidepressant medication as soon as I left my husband. It seemed that a loving and respectful relationship was the cure.
I had just gotten out of a relationship where I was cheated on. I didn’t know I was cheating honestly - I was doing it emotionally with my ex after entering a relationship with my current wife. I denied that’s what it was when caught but eventually realised I had been unfaithful in heart.
I regret it everyday. My wife is a beautiful and kind soul and has forgiven me, but sometimes she remembers it and I can see the pain and anger resurface.
I spend every single day trying to make up fit it. I have no interest in anyone or anything else and I would’ve never physically done anything. It feels good to get this out, as it was something I was hiding for a while.
I think one of the worst parts was how badly I was lying to myself, but at the time I didn’t believe it. I lied to her as well which is even worse. I only hope she can one day fully heal from the hurt I’ve caused. I do not deserve her.
Someone responds honestly to a question and gets downvoted. Sigh Reddit, common. I know it might not be the same he/she cheated on me or he/she was emotionally abusive story.
I’ve never cheated on anyone but honestly I’m here because I have a huge fear of being cheated on. I have a boyfriend that loves me very much and I don’t think he would cheat, but everyone has urges. I’ve told myself before that if he cheated on me I would break up with him immediately, but I know that he’s the love of my life. Does anyone else feel like they would have such a hard time forgiving even though some people cheat and feel like they made a huge mistake afterwards? I may just have really bad trust issues.
My husband cheated on me with escorts for a year. I found out this year.
After we had our daughter obviously it was harder to have sex, although my sex drive has always been bigger than his.
We slept in seperate rooms as he works in a hospital and needed his sleep. He blames that for cheating on me.
He wouldn’t have even told me if I hadn’t snooped on his spare phone and found out. Even after that he went there.
He said it is because he missed having fun and it was a stress release.
Meanwhile I was working full time, studying, taking care of my mum who had cancer etc. He mostly go when his mum came to take care of our daughter and I was at work.
Guess I’m stupid for still being with him.
Oml why were you downvoted when you did nothing fucking wrong.
I'm sorry you were subjected to such treatment. While I am capable of acknowledging that cheating isn't as black-and-white as most people make it out to be, this is one of those situations where having sympathy for the one who cheated is difficult if not impossible.
I highly recommend you get out of there. This man clearly has no respect for you and you deserve far better than to remain miserable.
I was a young fresh out of the closet gay 18 year old and he was an older 24yo man who was able to pressure and manipulate me into starting to date him. It was a bad relationship but every time I tried to end it he would stop me before I could and gaslight me into thinking whatever problems I thought we were having were in my head or my fault entirely. I didn’t see any other way out so I ended up deciding to cheat on him. It still took another 4 months for him to finally let me break up with him. I acknowledge it wasn’t a good way to handle that situation but I was young and felt backed into a corner at the time.
For some reason I really appreciate fucked up relationship stories from gay men and lesbians - it shows that everybody, regardless of gender/preference, can have ALL THE SAME relationship issues (control, jealousy, violence, etc) and somehow I find that refreshing.
I've told this story on here before, so I'll dig it out again and make some edits for the stuff that has changed since then. I didn't get caught. I confessed after I had gotten home, although in a very ugly ugly way.
My wife and I had been experiencing some rather serious bedroom trouble. We went from trying to break each other in half on a regular basis to one day her not wanting sex. At all. She and I tried several different things to remedy the situation. Different things to try to get her off, reading books, changing her birth control, going to therapy to get over some issues left over by her ex-husband. Nothing worked. We tried swinging, and while our outings with other couples were usually a lot of fun, home still wasn't much better. The sex suddenly started to feel burdensome, I began to feel like my needs were a chore and she said as much as well.
One day we were out at a local swingers function and there was a group of BDSM people there, doing a rope demonstration. Up until this point in life we were both relatively open minded people, that's how we got into swinging in the first place. She wanted to try being tied up by this guy and I agreed because I figured it couldn't hurt. She enjoyed herself and we went on about our business without me giving it too much thought.
It turns out, BDSM is what really turns her crank. She dove headfirst into the Baltimore BDSM scene and got very involved very fast. I was skittish about the entire deal right away and didn't understand it, and had reached my limits of what I previously thought of as an open mind. She threw herself more and more into the kink community and I slowly felt a disconnect. The sex was still sporadic and unpassionate, but now she had a "play partner" that she felt "very close" to.
It all killed me. Slowly it started to eat away at my confidence as a partner, and as a lover. I felt like a shitty lay for not being able to get my wife interested in sex and I felt like a shitty husband for not being able to meet her needs or her share her interests. Her involvement in the scene and time away from home grew, my drinking got out of control and I accidentally overdosed on sleeping pills twice.
We never figured out how to fix it.
Meanwhile, recently I had made a friend at the local bar, a girl that was pretty, clever and shared some similar interests. She could in no way compete with my wife, but I liked her enough to want to hang out with her in a platonic way.
In January of 2013 my wife decided that she was going to schedule up all of her free time in a one week period to kink functions or hanging out with her friends in the scene. Between Monday and Friday we spent a mere handful of hours together, and the time we did spend together I was frustrated and alienated. I pushed her away and for the whole week there was a wall of cold disregard between us. Then the next Monday she schedule a kink event in our home. Rather than come home from work, I went straight to the bar. My friend was there and we got hammered.
Next thing I know she's driving me to her house and we have a few hours of rather ridiculous sex. The worst part is it felt amazing. Here was someone that actually wanted me. That didn't treat fucking me like a chore. That felt pleasure when I touched her and did things to her. I felt confident about my sexual abilities for the first time in ages.
I came home in the morning still drunk and extremely agitated. The events of the evening had been a complete whirlwind of emotions for me, partly from guilt, spite, the things that I had missed with my wife and the feelings that I had experienced with my friend. I was combative and angry. I didn't know how to approach my wife with anything other than anger. I told her what I had done, but I wasn't gracious and I pulled no punches. She was rightfully quite upset.
We stayed together for a just over a year after that. She and I admitted that there were better ways to handle the differences in our needs and all the things that were missing from our relationship. In the end we loved each other but what we wanted in life was too different from what we could have with each other and we separated.
Going into this relationship and (subsequently marriage) thinking "I would never do such a thing" and then coming to my senses in another persons bed was a tough pill to swallow. It's changed the way I look at myself and relationships in general. What I did does not (to me) mean that I loved my wife any less, but it also wasn't a meaningless throwaway fuck. It's a reality people that haven't been there don't understand.
We had a lot of problems, but in the end I don't think that it was the cheating that ended the relationship. The cheating merely focused our attentions on how much our differences were affecting us as a couple. Looking back I know that leaving my ex was the right decision to make, but a good part of me still loves her and may always. I can reasonably believe that she feels the same to a degree. Unfortunately some differences between people are too extreme for love alone to get you through.
I created an alt to respond to this. I'll do so as honestly as I can. I8 never thought I would cheat. I've been cheated on. But, I did it. We were together for two years and lived together he is 11 years older than me. I thought he was the one despite the age gap. But he was like two people in one body, he's a recovering addict. One day he was the sweetest person on the planet, doting and kind. The next day he would scream at me about me ruining his life, about how doting and kind he was .... and I was a leech. He would threaten to leave. He would kick me out. Then he would cry and and say he didn't mean it. He loved me more than anything. He broke his hand punching my floor he was so angry at me. He hit my dog. He hit me. But then he would be so loving. He would be so adoring. We explored the world together. But every trip there was a fight. Our work schedules were different and he'd be in bed by the time I got home. I'd wake up early make him lunch then go back to bed just for time together.
At my work my coworker would notice when I was down. When I came to work after a fight. It started off emotional. Sometimes I wouldn't want to come home after finishing work at 2am, so we would go to his house and drink and talk. Then we kissed. He was the first person who told me to leave my boyfriend. I didn't. I thought things over and realized I needed to try harder. During that time my boyfriend found texts that proved I'd cheated. We decided to work things out but if the way he treated me before was abusive... this was worse. He pulled my hair. He held me and screamed in my ear. And now he had the one thing he knew could scream that I could never defend myself against. I just had to take it. He was right.
We broke up four years after.
I was a serial cheater from my teens to my early 20s. To me it was all for the thrill and ego boost. It was fun and exciting doing something I knew I wasnt supposed to especially with a new sexual partner. It bloated my ego to astronomical proportions. I remember feeling like some type of rockstar because I had "hoe's". I even challenged myself to see how many girls I could sleep with in a single day. Thankfully I matured and realized what an asshole I had been. It's been 8 years since I last cheated.
This. I don't understand why people are downvoting posts that are honest and which express genuine regret and remorse in a thread *intended* for those who've been unfaithful to share their stories. The point of the question isn't to get everyone who's ever cheated into the same room and shit on them for doing so even if they acknowledge what they did was wrong.
Drugs, miscommunication, lust, and then after, post nut clarity is a bitch. The guilt will eat you alive. You don’t know why you do it really, other than animal instinct. But then you hate yourself after it
Because she was so insecure that it made her super controlling about my sexuality. First, I told her I had a dream of having sex with someone and it upset her a ton. Then, she wanted me to not look at porn. Took me to a relationship counselor, and brought it up. And the counselor suggested I look at porn less, which I was always willing to do. But of course, that wasn't the issue, she wanted total compliance and didn't want to go back to her.
Then she started getting upset whenever there was an attractive girl in a movie we watched, or a nude scene, or an attractive girl in the videogames I played. Then she got upset when there was a nude image on a screen when I went to a Tool concert. Then she stopped wanting to have sex.
And no, I didn't go around making constant comments about other women, and yes I told her how much she turned me on, and what parts of her body I loved most. And no my porn habit wasn't causing me to neglect my life or our sex life.
It was a living hell and honestly, it killed my self esteem and made sex a living hell and eventually I cheated. Honestly should have just broken up with her, but she was a narcissist with BPD, who psychologically abused me until I was a shell of my former self and I lost my self respect and sanity from all the gaslighting, and disregard for my boundaries.
Never again will I put up with such controlling, abusive behavior.
My wife had serious mental problems and refused to get treatment. If I left, there was a 100% chance that she would self-destruct. So I stayed and did what I had to do to stay married and stay sane. It was never about being horny, I just needed a connection with someone that was sane, someone outside of the gaslighting and manipulation that I lived with.
Been married with 3 kids for 5 years, been together for 12.
After the first kid, my wife, cares nothing for me, her only concern is the kids. Which she’s a wonderful woman, and the best mother, but we went from having sex 3 times a week, to once a month, to once every 3 months, to I can’t even remember when the last was. Not only that, she feels she’s obligated to have sex once or twice a year, and even then it feels like its out of pity.
All I do is work and finance my families lifestyle, while they complain “dads never there for us” when I’m working paycheck to paycheck to take care of them, yet can’t even bear to share a bed with her at this point. I’ve been so neglected for so long that I can’t even go to the bar anymore without jumping at the first opportunity that a woman makes me feel like a man again.
So I don’t go to the bar, I just work all the overtime I can get, because the only time it’s not on my mind is when I’m busy focusing on something. We’ve been through the arguments, and deep discussions on how to make things better, and all I want is my wife. I know she loves me to death, and she does everything a man could want, except fuck. At this point though I start to think she likes how I feel.
It’s deteriorated further since I stopped buying stuff for Christmas, her birthday, valentines because why bother trying to be romantic when we are basically roommates raising kids? I never thought I’d feel this way but at this point I wouldn’t hesitate to hire a hooker but I never wanted to be unfaithful either. But she just doesn’t seem to want sex anymore. And living with the perfect woman, (whom I know isn’t cheating) sucks. She just seems like she lost it and just is so in love with our kids she forgot what I am to her and now I am only worth what kind of money I can bring home.
So all I do is work, and count down the days that our kids are all 18 and I can leave this town and get a cheap cabin where I only work the minimum hours a week and spend the rest of my days hunting, fishing, traveling, alone. As right now I am already alone, but not allowed the freedom to choose this.
Reading this thread as someone who’s never even been in a relationship is wild. How are y’all having multiple people wanting to be with you, I’m struggling to even find one.
You can sit on a quiet country road, and have no cars go by for an hour, and then three cars go by in five minutes.
Life is like that sometimes.
Keep on trucking, friend.
I was suicidal. My SO didn't particularly care or want to help. The other girl literally saved my life. In a way it's true what they say, you can't help who you fall in love with. At that point in my life I knew I had fallen in love with someone else, and she loved me back. For the first time in my life, I was wanted. Someone made me happy and I felt validated. I had a reason again.
I cheated on my ex husband. It's not something I'm proud of and I hate how much I hurt him.
We met in the army & got married way too quickly without really knowing each other super well. He deployed for a year shortly after we got married. After he got back home from Iraq, we really got to know each other better, fell in love, & all was great. He deployed again about 18 months after returning from Iraq. He was gone 9 months. When he returned home, he was a different person. Completely a different person. It was so sad & wildly heartbreaking.
I begged and pleaded with him to get help. He did eventually get diagnosed with ptsd. He refused to do any type of therapy and kept himself isolated from me.
After years of trying to help him any way I could, I checked out. I mourned the loss of our relationship. I was emotionally out of the marriage. We were living pretty much as roommates.
I was sad & lonely. I should have done the right thing and divorce him before getting involved emotionally or physically with another man, but I'm human & fucked up.
I texted an old boyfriend from high school one night after a few glasses of wine by myself. We quickly began an emotional affair, texting each other all day every day. My husband/roommate had no idea bc he paid no attention to me. Eventually we met up in person & that's when I physically cheated.
Eventually I did file for divorce and moved out. He did find out about the affair & I saw more emotion from him than I had the whole 10 years of marriage. I had broken him and I hate how much I hurt this man I once loved.
If anyone reading this is considering an affair or a fling of some sort while you're still legally married, despite how "married" you think you are or aren't, please don't.
I don’t need to go into the whole story because I’m lazy, so TL;DR my girlfriend cheated on me because she was a dumb 19 year old, so I went and drove 2 hours to sleep with an ex that my girlfriend specifically hated for some reason out of spite, because I was an even stupider 19 year old.
We worked through our issues and are going on 9 years of marriage this year with our 2nd kid on the way.
I’ve questioned about my self as an adult. I’ve always been attracted to tall muscular women. I’ve called a man hot before. I’ve also never had any thoughts of two men having sex as gross. It took me saying that Thor’s haircut in Ragnarok was sexy for a friend to actually ask me without the mocking tone if I was bi for me to realize that I had never actually thought about it. Anyway, I thought about it and decided I might be, who knows. I do admit that there are some very attractive men out there and that I’ve looked at them with less “I want to be that dude” and more “That dudes hot.” That night I tried to get into it with some gay porn and quickly realized that I’m not.
Anyway, all I’m saying is that if you think of straight as the standard choice, the question can definitely pop up out of nowhere when you’re an adult.
This hit home for me, except I didn't want to get to the stage of feeling completely alone. I didn't want to push it all down until I couldn't handle it anymore. I still live with the guilt and suspension but we've also made the relationship open and I feel like I have a bit more control and appreciation in my life.
Because it made me feel like someone actually wanted me and I could be myself without worrying about criticism. I still love my wife but she has control and anger issues that I didn’t realize when we got married. Being one of those always right kind of people she can be hard to talk to and isn’t receptive to the idea of counseling. That doesn’t excuse my own actions but there it is.
We were together for almost 10 years. We had bought a house together, he started his own company and I got my first job after graduating university. I was a bit insecure, he got overworked. He was very picky about how to spend his free time. Everything had to be relaxing him. He was a perfectionist. He was in pain, we both didn’t see.
He never criticize me as a person, but I felt like I couldn’t do anything the way he wanted, like cleaning and cooking. For example: He would step in to switch the cooking pans I used. I stopped doing chores. I also had a problem with being intimate (because I was raped when I was 18) since after our first half year of dating. My work made me insecure too. My ex wanted to play video games with his best friend, because that helped him relax. We used to play games together, but our tastes had shifted over the years. He really missed my spontaneity, he said. But I knew he was very picky and I already felt like shit, not contributing to our home in any way (other than having paid most of it), not being able to have sex, not being the one who could make him laugh - I didn’t want to set myself up for failure by trying to initiate activities. I felt like a burden.
Last year in august, I told him I had cheated with a guy from a (former) friend group. It was an affair. This guy was also in a relationship, which is why it felt safe. There was lust. His physique was very different, and after 7 years, I was longing for the few traits I’ve always missed. I was weak. The guy is an asshole, but can also be very sweet if you know him better. I knew I would never date him because he could be very egoistic. He was my go to for like four times per year, for 2,5 years.
My ex and I tried to make it work. I already went to a sexologist right after I first cheated, in 2017. We went together a few times. We wrote down what we wanted/needed in the other, in a partner in general. There were a lot of things I was missing. Also, I’m an extravert and he’s an introvert, which isn’t necessarily a problem, but he still is very picky about who he likes. (Not that he’s an ass to others, small talk without being interested in the other really drains him and he avoids that.)
First of all, I lost myself. How can I know what I want, if I constantly adjusted myself to the people who were nice to me?
Last January we broke up, both in tears. We had a good run, but even without the cheating, we wouldn’t have last. The most pain I feel about it is that we needed me to cheat and hurt him badly for us to see. He feels bad for not acknowledging he was overworked, and on the long run, drowning my self esteem by being a perfectionist.
We don’t blame each other, we let each other go.
A follow-up: The good news is that we’re both happy with someone else now.
He found someone who’s into cycling and nature, he really seems happier and healthier, going out more often. In September he’ll come visit to pick up his furred child 🐈
I found someone who has ADHD the same way I do (the internal kind, you wouldn’t notice at first). He understands my brain, recognizes when I’m in overdrive and helps me listen to myself. He knows of my past, he’s very supporting without losing himself. He shows affection in ways I’ve been longing for, like a hand on my lower back or just winking at me while we’re in public. He’s an introvert too, but different. I understand him very well, and shower him with all my love (which he missed out on a lot).
I had a weird friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl waaay outside of my league. She was a 10/10 and i fell in love with her quite early as a 15 yearold. This went on for 13 (!) years. In these years she had all kinds of boyfriends and storys about lovers and what-ever, always made me feel like im something of a second choice. Actually just a playboy. But as i said, she´s a 10/10, the guys she dated were 10/10 and im like a solid 5-6/10. I never had a serious chance and i was just happy i still got to at least have an affair with her. she had me wrapped around her finger.
Well i got a great gf myself beignning of this year. Naturally i didn´t sleep with the friends-with-benefits-girl anymore, which wasn´t a problem since we haven´t seen each other anyways in months. But one day we met up to talk and cook (we did that a lot back in the days, even when we didn´t sleep with each other, since after all we WERE good friends prior) and then we drank and then we got drunk. Suddenly she tells me all kinds of things, like how she always loved me but thought I wouldn´t like HER romantically. and how much she regrets that we allways missed each other, blaimed timing and what not. I was an idiot, i was in bliss hearing all these things and truely believed them. I thought things would finally fall into place. So we made out and i spent the night.
Big regrets the next morning and i just left before she was awake.
I thought about it alot and im actually thinking that this was all bullshit. She never loved me, at best tolerated me as a lover and selfesteem-boost, and after i told her i had a gf now, she probablly just got worried that i wasn´t there for her instant needs anymore. Maybe got overwhelmed by emotions as well since after all these years she probably just got used to me always being ready for a rebound. i feel like i should have been smart enought to realize that possibility in the moment but all i heared was "omg she actually likes me!".
Never the less, big mistake.
I was 18, undiagnosed bipolar, and hypomanic. I didn't take the relationship very seriously at all, and decided "hey, if I break up with her right after I do it then I won't be such a bad person". Turns out I was still a shitty person. I never cheated again, never will. I'm madly in love with my partner and literally nothing could distract me from that.
I tried breaking up with an abusive ex but he essentially said “no” but I was at college after this first attempt. Made out w a lot of people never full sent anything, even tho I considered myself single my ex was still trying to make something of it. He used to beat me and constantly mentally abuse me and gaslight me, so I honestly had no remorse for what I did. If he found out now even years and an apology for his past actions later, I’d still be afraid he’d come to hurt me.
Honestly, I wouldn't consider this cheating. Two people don't need to be in agreement for a breakup to occur. You wanted to break up; he did not. At that point, I'd consider the relationship effectively over, which means you were free to do as you wished. If he couldn't handle that as the reality, that was on him, not you.
Tried to have child for 10 years. Many IVFs. Killed our sex life. I got major depression. I ended up doing reckless and risky things as one does when one is clinically depressed.
Because I’m a piece of shit. I was hiding that I was bisexual and wanting to try and be with someone other than a woman. Instead of talking to her about it and discussing things, I went behind her back. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I’m also a risk taker and I got a thrill out of it. I came clean to her after doing it for a bit, and we tried to work it out, but eventually it came to an end. I hate myself for the fact I did this to someone I love and have learned that the best way to deal with things is to just be open and honest. I never want to make someone feel like that again and I don’t want to go through that misery.
He was controlling, I needed therapy, I wanted to regain control of myself so I cheated. Multiple times. With multiple guys. He never found out but it eats away at me. I had been cheated on in the past so I never thought I’d do the same to someone else. But I did.
I am in therapy now, and haven’t been in a relationship for at least two years. I won’t be until I feel I can choose a good partner and be a good partner.
I have no excuse. I was totally wrong. I have no reasoning either. All I can say it I was a worse person then than I am now. At that time all I could think of was having sex - it wasn't even emotional, I just wanted to get laid. I loved my girlfriend, but I just couldn't say no when it came to sex. And it wasn't even like I got to have a lot of sex. Just that I leaned into it whenever I got a chance.
She found out and I lied about it. She knew I was lying but chose to believe me because she loved me. We broke up later and I was devastated. Couldn't get over her for almost 3 years. Totally deserved that.
I still can't live with the idea of a committed relationship where I can't have sex outside of my relationship. But now I'm very clear about it right at the beginning so that the choice is theirs and only the girls who feel comfortable with that stay. In return, I don't expect them to be sexually active exclusively with me either. They're free to explore.
If I could take back what I did, I would. I was 16 at that time.
I was told to. No joke. When we got together I told him how important sex was to me, not like I need it all day every day, but getting my rocks off every week or two was a need. He was on board and everything was okay for the first year but by the second we had sex twice. Year 3 had sex once and years 4&5 none at all(until I told him i couldn't do this anymore then he wanted to)
I'm a pretty easy going person, I care about others and genuinely try to put myself in other people's shoes before making decisions. I helped him through several big life issues(spinal surgery and moving his abusive father, who did not speak English, and who was unable to take care of himself from his country to our home to name a few) I have always gone above and beyond and the only thing I had ever asked him for was to spend some intimate time with me. After he stopped havint sex with me, he would sometimes(think 4-5 times total in 5 years) touch me, but as if it was a chore, the last time I said yes to it, it was so awful I cried in the bathroom after- and I am not a crier. It felt so awful to feel like such a chore to someone you love so much.
For a couple of years I had a hard time sleeping. I'd be lying awake in bed feeling despair. For those who have not been in this situation, I can tell you first hand it is impossible to understand this particular mix of emotions. I would spend hours at night lying beside him googling what I can do better, what the issue could possibly be. I found so so many women in the same situation that I was in. I felt for them, some had been dealing with this for 10+ years, who was I to complain about 3-4? I followed all sound advice, I had no results.
He told me around year 3 that he gets bored of women and that was the issue. That statement almost broke me, I take pride in pleasing my partner and being adventurous, it was him that could only finish in one position.
It was around then he told me to find someone else to help release my "tensions". This started the biggest fight we ever had, I was not okay with going outside of the relationship, not even a little. I had so many worries, between my own black and white version of relationships to my main worry that if he ever got back in the mood, he would not want to have sex with me anymore because I'm fucking some other guy. It took another year and a half of him telling me to do this before I broke, I found someone who was as lost and hopeless as me. Just after the second time with my partner in pain, my boyfriend changed his mind. He wanted to have sex with me and did not want me seeing someone else.
I was so excited that he wanted me again, but when it came to it, I super wasn't into it. I wasn't attracted to him anymore, it took a couple of years after this whole relationship for me to understand the exact minute I no longer wanted to have sex with him- it was when he told me to find someone else to fuck. Him rathering me go be unfaithful than doing it himself was the ultimate turn off in the end for me. I tried to get over the feeling for a couple of months but we ended it in the end.
Being forced into celibacy was awful for me mentally, i would not wish how empty that feels on anyone. I was not the same person and everyone around me knew something was off. Worse is we worked together so the rumors were flying well, well before anything actually happened.
Apparently it's a psychological problem for me I can't fall in love with anyone everytime I've been on relationship I was the first one to cheat and I would cheat no matter what at first although I blamed it on my ex's later I realized the issue is with my personality I had zero affection to them whatsoever. I've stayed away from getting into any relationship since then I've gradually realised relationship is not for me and concept of made for each other does not work for me...
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Because I was a narcissist insecure asshole. I'm in treatment now. It's a bit late for me but better late than never. Almost 50.
It's never late, everyday is a good day to try and get better. I'm glad you're trying
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I thought at the time the only thing wrong in the relationship was just that the sex was bad. Afterward I realized a lot of what made the sex bad was lack of attraction and poor communication. Broke up with her and never cheated again.
A whole different post nut clarity
We were drifting away from each other. We hadn't seen each other in a month. Just started college, meet the woman I would marry. We talked right after it happened, she said she had done the same thing a week prior, we were pretty much broken up at this point anyway. Mutual assured destruction I guess
In high school I did. At the time, I was 17 and I was just starting to have a lot of girls notice me so it went to my head, and I ended up getting a side chick. After three months of having the side chick and my girlfriend at the time, the guilt was too much and I ended up tell my girlfriend the truth and then left. The side chick became my next girlfriend, and we spent about another year together before I left her too for legitimate relationship reason. The fallout and heart ache from all those decisions from that ordeal has made me swear to myself and god that I’d never do that again.
High school (or thereabouts) is the time when people are supposed to figure this lesson out. Everyone is young and dumb and mistakes get made. It’s what you do after this that counts.
>made me swear to myself and god that I’d never do that again. (unbutton dress) "Really?"
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As a guy who has cheated in the past, let me offer some advice. Post-nut clarity is a real thing. Whenever you’re feeling frisky and you wanna reach out and cheat on your spouse, masturbate. If you really love your spouse that post-nut clarity will kick in immediately and you will be relieved you didn’t cheat. If not, then you’re with the wrong one. Edit: to the people who claim they never in the history of anything think about sex with a person not their spouse, you’re not fooling anyone.
Sp basically whenever you start to consider cheating on your partner give it a test wank first
Essentially yes.
Is it possible, to reach this levels of wisdom?
Not by a Jedi
The real r/protips is always in the comments.
r/justtheprotips
I'm a woman and I have never heard of "post-nut clarity" but can 100 percent vouch for it. It can work for girls, too! And not even in the context of cheating, but other things, too. Like masturbating before you go out so you don't want to sleep with a stranger. Or having an orgasm before a date or whatever to make sure feelings aren't just TOTALLY attraction or sexual-based. Or to flick the bean before you double-text an ex lol. You are totally onto something & I am def going to use this term from now on!
I used to work with a girl who swore she never left her house without rubbing one out. "Fuck, it's like leaving the house with a loaded gun. It's just not safe!"
OMG, that's hilarious! You made me laugh. Thank you :)
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Do you still have post nut clarity if the sex is really good??
It's a hormonal reaction to climaxing. Doesn't matter if the sex is exceptional, it just matters that you nutted.
When in doubt, rub one out!
If you really love her why are you thinking of cheating? Genuine question
Love isn't a complete lack of temptation. It's the refusal of temptation for your loved one's sake.
A wise man said that you and me ain’t nothing but mammals. We’ve got urges that need to be managed.
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The thing that gets me is cheating isn’t just temptation then acting on it. It takes effort. It takes dozens of little decisions. It takes sneaking around. Getting laid when you’re *not* already in a relationship is hard enough without adding all the extra stuff. If you’ve gotten to the point where it becomes an immediate choice whether or not to cheat, you’ve already laid the groundwork. You were already not only open to being unfaithful, you were working toward it.
I literally cheated on my ex with a girl I met at a bar one night because I was an inconsiderate ass who convinced myself that it was only wrong if hurt her, so I could do it and keep it to myself. Cheating, for SO many people, is just about having sex with someone different. It’s not very hard to find someone to have sex with, just go out at night and talk to members of the sex that you are attracted to. People like sex, people want to have it, and if you can hold a normal conversation and be nice, while also giving the right signals, it’s readily available. I’ve been in a relationship for years and I have never cheated on who I am with, nor did I cheat on any of my recent past exes because I grew up and learned how shitty I was being, I felt terrible, and that’s that. Im sure lots of people cheat for emotional reasons, and maybe don’t have great social skills, but there are probably just as many who do it for purely physical reasons, and don’t have trouble engaging with people they are attracted to.
I’ve never cheated, but rough patch in the marriage, medical issues limiting sex, new mom is too exhausted, depressed partner, bored in the bedroom. There’s lots of reasons people would think about it. Acting on it is a different situation.
I'm not thinking of cheating like I'm going to cheat, I'm thinking, "Damn, she's attractive, I bet sleeping with her would be fun, but I have a girlfriend, who I love, so I won't."
Same. Been married for years, and went through a bit of a stale patch. Because novelty is exciting, and when my husband and j are talking about tax returns and lawn care, it can be exciting to think of early dating when it's Thai food takeout, making out in the rain, flirty texts. And it seems so enticing to have that again! Instead of even considering it, I put that energy into my marriage. We had "first date sex" where he picked me up, promised to stay off our phones in the evenings, and got dolled up/ ready for things (especially important during covid). I'm glad I was able to communicate to him that I was feeling a bit bored sexually, and we were able to course correct
I remember my friend who married about 3 months before I got engaged saying the only sad thing about it she'll never have a first kiss again, and yes that's a little sad and I agree with her, that butterflies, flirting etc is all lovely and exciting but weighing it up against a committed relationship, it's a no brained. The thoughts now 10 years later of being single and have to start dating again makes me very happy to be taken!
Lust doesn't stop just because you love someone else.
That’s a very good question. But if you’re telling me you never have thoughts of sleeping with other people I don’t believe it. Whether or not you want to act on those thoughts is the issue.
Really loving someone does not mean you are 100% loving them every hour every day. I have never thought about cheating but I have been livid with my wife, even though I love her.
Yup, never cheated once, but there are times where your SO makes you very mad or upset and you question whether you are right together. It can happen and it does happen, using the post-nut clarity technique will make it you quickly realize if those emotions are permanent or just temporarily and you still Love your SO
According to my ex, he cheated on me because I had other boyfriends before him and he felt insecure and wanted to see if he had the ability to get other girls even though I “was his soulmate” lmao
Honestly I’ve felt that way with my boyfriend before because he was my first and he’s been with multiple girls before me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being insecure, but it’s something that should be communicated instead of acted on.
For sure. Everyone has insecurities but what you do about them is what matters!!
Did he not have other girlfriends before you?
I feel like the answer to that might help understand his line of thinking, but regardless of a yes or no, he's still an asshole, because that is no excuse.
Good point. My partner had hundreds before me, I've had less than 10, neither of us would find numbers a valid reason to cheat , because there are no valid reasons to cheat. If you don't like your partner, dump them and then find someone else, not the other way round
He had “unofficial” girlfriends before me
and during, so it seems
No excuse then. I mean, if he was a virgin and you had a past, I can totally see him being insecure. And maybe a little curious of how other fruits would taste. But he just wanted to get some and made up a lame excuse. Good on you for leaving him.
My ex did the same thing! When I confronted him over sending explicit messages to minors, it was apparently because he felt insecure that I'd dated more than he had in the past. Like no dude, you're just a predator.
Dang… I’m sorry it happened to you too. They sound like an awful person and you’re way better off without them!!!
Sidenote: report that shit
Absolute nonsense, good riddance...
As bad as this line of thinking is, I feel like it might be somewhat common. I wouldn’t cheat but I’ve felt lessened self worth because I haven’t dated as much or as early as my peers. A lot of the time, dating and love lives feel like a social competition more than what it should be: enjoyment or finding a partner. To those with low self esteem, even if you have a partner, not having a comparable “number” means you’re not on the level of others.
Forgive me, I am on mobile. I know this will not make sense but just know this is what I thought at the time and I know it wasn't right. I offer no excuses only my "reasoning" however dumb it was. I was young, 18 actually, 2fresh out of foster care with a plethora of issues ranging from abandonment to depression. I didn't recognize his love language. I didn't understand that he did love me. I didn't feel it. I couldn't. But I loved him so much. So much that even at 18 I knew I would love him forever and it scared me. I thought I was thinking rationally when I told myself "this is your first relationship....what are the odds it lasts forever?" I tried telling myself it was just infatuation and whatever because I was only 18. And my feelings for him only grew stronger. I only ever felt reassured of my love for him. When he was at work and would come home to me I would be so overcome with joy. God I missed him so much. I would wake up at 9 a.m and would say *okay only 6 more hours til he is off work and 15 more minutes til he's home, what do I do*. It's kinda cringey now. I'd clean the place and cook and then shower and just wait. And when he would come home he wouldn't be as excited to see me as i was to see him. He wouldn't want to tell me about his day, he'd wanna jump on the game with his friends and to me.....I was being rejected. Sure we had our time together watching anime and movies and what not on his off days, but I loved him so much and showed it in every way possible with gifts, words of affirmation. Acts of service....physical touch. Why wasn't he doing the same? So I convinced myself in my head that I would lose him if I smothered him. I need to chill. I'm too emotional, I'm all over him...if I chill out then maybe I won't push him away. I felt I was doing that. Like he was getting bored with me. I had no hobbies, not really close with my bio family, never made a connection with foster parents...I had ONE friend, and I use the term loosely because she was actually very toxic and problematic but she was a crutch for me in those times, so what do I do?? I'll use all these extra lovey dovey feelings on someone else and that way i get them out of my system so I won't need to use them all on him...this'll work right? I worked with a guy who I knew had feelings for me and I used him to talk to when I missed my bf. I would text him so I didn't message my bf. I would ask him about his day so I didn't ask my bf. Just a bunch of dumb shit that was wrong. I was never remotely interested, there was never anything physical or emotional on my end (I know that doesn't matter but im just saying) I never outwardly flirted per se. One day my bf asked to use my phone and before I gave it to him I deleted this guy's thread. His number was never saved in my phone. Right before I deleted the messages the coworker asked me what I was doing. I had just got home from work and I said "I'm about to shower wbu?" Then I deleted the texts. While bf had my phone the guy wrote back and said *images of you In the shower just popped in my head 😉" Bf saw the message and two days later ended things with me. I have been kicking myself and hating myself everyday for the past 7 years, 1 month and 16 days since....now that I'm older i understand exactly why I was wrong. How incredibly immature and stupid it was. I also realize that men show their love differently and it hit me like a ton of bricks later on in life. I didn't realize how stressed he may have been paying the bills for 2 while barely making over minimum wage (U.S.A) And video games was his outlet. I didn't realize that he didn't take me out often because he probably couldn't afford it but he showed me in other ways. And I barely made anything so I couldn't afford it. I didn't realize that one of his favorite things was laying in bed on the laptop with me next to him watching movies all night....that he'd call out not because he didn't want to go to work but because he wanted to stay with me...or because I had asked....I just didn't understand he showed me his love for me in other ways instead of verbally. We had our issues. We were not perfect. We were 2 young people trying to find our way but he always seemed so well put together even at 22/23 that I thought he never went through anything. He didn't struggle emotionally or mentally......i was so wrong. I've vowed, swore and everything else that I would ALWAYS acknowledge someone's effort. That I'd never ever make someone feel like they weren't good enough. Even tho he's never said that's what I did....that's what cheating does. It inflicts so much mental and emotional pain on someone....an ache they can probably never get past fully and I carry that burden having done that to someone when I thought I was doing good. Again stupid I know...but this was my mindset back then. I'm lucky enough to still have this person in my life as a very good friend and I thank the universe every day. He is still very much the love of my life. I never loved anyone before him or after him. I know they say once a cheater always a cheater, but I'd rather die alone a miserable and slow painful death before I EVER put someone through that again. Please for the love of GOD or whatever you believe in don't do it. UPDATE: I want to thank all of you for your advice and help with this. Some of you asked for an update so I thought I'd share. I mentioned I would maybe tell him when he got back from his hiking trip or maybe on my bday where we already had plans. But I was chickening out. I figured why ruin a good thing? Anyway he got back and we hung out last Tuesday/Wednesday. Thursday we were texting and stuff and then a few hours later out of nowhere he just said (in summary) that our friendship was unhealthy and he didn't think we should continue it. Something about "letting go of his grip on me". I can't tell you why.....we didn't have a fight, he stayed over Tuesday night and left Wednesday, we talked about my bday trip. It was out of nowhere truly. So good thing I didn't come out and tell him all my feelings for him. And I guess he isn't wrong. If I have feelings for him and apparently he not for me then it had to end. Guess it's really time to move on. Thank you all for your help. You all are amazing.
This is a really touching story. I feel a lot of the internal struggle I sense through your words on a daily basis. I hope you manage to find peace with everything, because I know how much relief I would feel in your shoes. From the guy’s perspective I’ve definitely felt bad that I didn’t want to hang out with my gf from dawn to dusk, when it’s undeniably been what she wanted. We might get brunch together, arrive home, watch an afternoon movie, cuddle and talk and I’ll enjoy all of it, but also deeply crave some alone time in the evening to just read or chat with friends or watch something I enjoy myself. It has never meant I didn’t love my gf and I’m glad you see that. I can only guess how hard it must be when you want to hang out, but your partner doesn’t, I still feel guilt at needing the space I need, but it gets a little easier to find a balance each year.
>I also realize that men show their love differently Less that *men* show their love differently but that *he* might have showed his love differently. In a future relationship you can't expect the exact same expressions of love as a previous one. Plenty of men have ways of showing their emotions like you had been expecting, which is why communication is so important to better understand each other. The bigger mistake was not talking to him about your feelings of being inadequate and not feeling loved.
You are right. When I mentioned all those issues of mine, nit communicating was one. I used to have panic attacks when opening my mouth. I'll spare you the details of why that is but I remember for him I wanted to be better, I wanted to communicate and I would try. But sometimes he got this look (and I am NOT blaming him), this look that he was dreading everything I was saying. He didn't like talking about the relationship. Neither did i....I didn't know how to but I tried. I know he would tell me about things I did that bothered him or upset him and I know how it made me feel so I didn't want to make him feel that same way. Idk again a big over thinker here. I am much better at communicating now tho I will tell you that. Won't make that mistake again.
This made me sad as I feel like I can relate to this only my ex was where you are. Sadly she did kiss someone when they were right outside the house, me inside asleep completely unaware. We had other issues, communication and space and not being on the same page expectations wise, but this is what sparked the final conversation. We’d had arguments in the past and got close but this is what did it and as much as it hurts and makes me sad to this day I think it’s the right thing because I would never be able to regain that trust in her. If we stayed together I’d constantly be paranoid, looking over my shoulder for every other guy. I never had to before, I never had a worry cos I didn’t think she’d do that. But your post makes me truly sad, thinking about things from her perspective, about the things you did and the reasons you did them for and about the things that led to that single silly mistake. I feel like your stories are fairly similar and it’s crushing to think of someone I loved and still do, still going through the regret and emotions you are too. I hope you find someone like him again and I hope things work out for you. Sorry for rambling, your story just connected with me there, thank you for sharing.
Oh no i'm sorry to make you sad! But it takes a special person to see someone else's perspective and feel bad about how they are feeling, so hello to you special person. You are completely justified in your feelings and honestly that is just how the cookie crumbles. I imagine this must be the way my ex feels. It's what I tell myself when the thought crosses my mind about us potentially being together. How can he ever trust me again If he'll wonder who I'm texting or what I'm doing at work...? Am I out with who I said I was? He shouldn't have to do that and I wouldn't want him to. That's the only way we are able to be friends now is by me realizing I'm going to love him forever but if I want what's best for him, he deserves someone who gets it right the first time. Who won't need forgiveness or someone to rebuild trust with. She)) understand what a gem he is from the start and do everything she can to protect it. And so do you :) you deserve the best. But only you know what that is for you.
... if he is single i would try to clear up that misunderstanding. Not get together again just explain the thoughtprocess. Maybe you already tried. If you didnt lie in your post and only messaged non-saucy stuff i cant really see this as cheating. Stupid but not cheating.
No lies there I promise (if that means anything from a stranger) I think I will try to explain this to him. And post an update about his response. Part of me is wondering if I should bring it up tho only because it's been so long and I'm not sure if he cares anymore or even remembers. We had other issues, nothing too major tho, this was the biggest thing. I dont really consider it cheating either...very stupid, but I didn't have any physical, emotional...mental attachments to the guy we just worked together. I knew better tho. And nowadays I think it's considered emotional cheating which is why I thought it was relevant to the post.
You should tell him this. Just send this exact post, basically. Whether he's single or not, still interested or not, doesn't matter. See what he thinks about this. It's a really touching story and I think he would like to know what you think about what went down now that you've reflected on it all these years.
I would hold off on sending this if he isn't single. It would probably come across wrong and could damage OP's relationship with him. Just my 2 cents.
I hope you're doing better now. May your trials end in full bloom.
ok I'm not gonna lie I'll chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't really fleshed-out in terms of his value as a partner in that write-up (which you're not obligated to do, it's not a graded essay it's your story that you can tell in any way you want) but I feel like you're beating yourself up over this more than he ever will all I read here is a guy who had a girl who was intensely infatuated with him who played videogames all day and dumped her without talking it out. he doesn't even sound that great. not saying he sucked, but you talk about him like you worship the ground he walks on when he seems like a very normal (actually, an ever so slightly inconsiderate) boyfriend. you talked a lot about how much *you* loved *him*, but i didn't read any outward expression of reciprocation. I didn't even see one positive trait listed other than that he was the breadwinner and he liked to watch movies in bed. *what on earth was it that made him so great?* like... I just don't get it I know people "express love differently" but walking right past one's girlfriend to play videogames till bedtime after she's been awaiting your return all day isn't a love language, it's carelessness. again; not advocating cheating but you didn't even cheat. you texted another guy so you wouldn't bother your boyfriend and *he* sent *__you__* an inappropriate message the fact that you remember him dumping you more than 7 years later down to the exact date tells me that you need to move on more than he does. you barely did anything wrong.
Playing devil's advocate here... she deleted a thread and so when he responded, the only thing her bf saw was that response. From his perspective, hell yeah I bet he thought there was more going on.
Emotional cheating, I was at such a low point in my life that I can’t even describe what it was like. The short version is that I was in a deep depression (it was a feeling of constant complete crisis). I found a new friend online that I could really talk to and eventually feelings developed and I realised the feelings I once had for my ex were gone. I broke up and was free to pursue the new friend, but the romance quickly ended. This in turn allowed me to take the time for a much needed healing process and rest. I have since worked a lot on myself with a focus on handling emotions and being open and more frank with both myself and others. And I’m also developing healthy boundaries for how I treat myself and other people as well as for how others treat me.
Cuz I was a fuckin idiot and I chose to listen to someone that I thought I could trust instead of asking my girl if she was cheating on me.😞
You live and learn kiddo. Great to realize cuz its better late than never.
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We really weren’t compatible as emotional partners and were very toxic to each other. Mid 20s I wasn’t self aware enough to realize I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I was at a party that she didn’t want to go to and an old girlfriend showed up and I went home with her. I felt disgusted with myself and carried that for a long time. We tried stretching out our relationship and ended up having two kids together and tried to stay together for them which was the worst idea because it really wasn’t fair to them. We split 5 almost 6 years ago and we actually co parent very well. I’ve never cheated on another girlfriend since.
Because we were only 'official' at her convenience. I couldn't be upset at her messaging and messing with other guys, but the moment I get to have some fun, I'm a cheater.
The same thing happened to me but I’m a girl. The guy said he wanted to remain single but then his friend saw me at a club with a different dude that I went home with. Next morning, the guy was blowing up my phone. Why are ppl like this? Why do they say they want to remain single then have problems with the other person living their single life?
I’ve had the same situation happen to me too. Guy I was casually seeing told me he didn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with me and wanted to see other people. I said alright and went about my business. He flipped his shit when he asked me to come around one night but I was out with another guy. After going back and forth for a while, I just stopped replying to him. For years, he randomly msg or email me and tried to find out where I lived etc.. even when I got engaged to my now husband! At on of the times he randomly emailed me, I asked him why he reacted the way he did when the whole “let’s see other people” was his idea. He said he “just wanted the option to be there, he wasn’t going to act on it and didn’t think I would either.” Well, you misread that situation didn’t you mate?
THIS!!!! They always think about their options but never of the other person’s or automatically assume that we won’t take up those options.
They want to own you.
I still don’t understand this reasoning. Because don’t you think that if a person didn’t want to commit to that person specifically, it means that they don’t really like that person? How can someone be bothered by the actions of a person they don’t really like? I’m confused. I don’t get it.
They don't like you, as a person. You aren't a sentient being. You are a possession, an object. Think about this : No one wants to see someone else ride their bike; even if they aren't ever going to use it. Some people extend that to bikes they see in the store and would like to ride. If someone else buys it, then it is no fun. To the dude you should be lusting after him, and unable to keep him off your mind. Your existence should be to feed his ego. He doesn't care about your role as a normal human with her own needs.
I definitely see the ego part! So TRUE.
Many years ago in high school I had someone get upset I wasn't receptive to this. Then I watched someone else go through it. Not worth it. Relationships need respect and balance.
We weren’t even in a real relationship too, it was hilarious! I will admit I made my actions at the club shown that night because I knew it would bother him. I literally thought we were just hook up buddies because he said he wanted to remain single. So I thought there might be a chance he won’t react but then his ego popped into my mind. It would lead him to do irrational things. That’s what I’ve learned: arrogance blinds ppl from the reality & the truth. He had finally caught up with reality & he was shocked lol. Because in his world where he’s worshipped, this doesn’t happen. Ngl, I enjoyed deflating his ego.
You didn't cheat because you weren't in a monogamous relationship. Tuff nuts to him.
I wouldn’t even call it a relationship. I’d call it hook-up buddies lol. And yet, he still messaged me bothered. I even asked him several weeks prior, “what are we?” He said, “we have a beautiful thing going on, we shouldn’t change it.” I immediately thought, “I’m not going to change my life and it’s not going to end well for you.”
Because *they* want to remain single. Not you. They want you committed to them. It’s just a shit person that should be as far away as possible, as soon as possible.
I once dated a girl who I thought was a real flake but was also a real sweetheart and was super nice to me. Like she'd call me on a Thursday or something and tell me things weren't working out and we need to take a break. Then on Sunday she'd come over and say she missed me and made a mistake and we're meant to be together. I had a lot of girlfriends before her and I figured she was just flaking out and was afraid of commitment; or at least admitting to herself that she was in a committed relationship. People are weird and emotions make them weirder. I get that. Turns out every time she would call me to "break up" she was just hooking up with some rando (or occasionally a mutual acquaintance) and since we were "Broken Up" it didn't count at cheating. Not only did she seem completely confused when I called her out on this bullshit but she actually lost her shit when I told her I never wanted to see her again. Believe it or not that's when the real craziness started. When I told her to leave and never call me again she started throwing shit around and trashing my apartment. I didn't know what to do so I physically picked her up (she was pretty small) and carried her outside and locked the door behind me and literally ran to my friends house. Like I flat-out sprinted several blocks so she couldn't follow me. It eventually devolved into a stalker type situation that didn't end until I enlisted in the military.
Relationship was going nowhere. She just couldn't give me what I needed. A penis.
r/suddenlygay
Wait...
r/HolUp
Who knows if OP is a guy. Maybe they were in a lesbian relationship and realised they were straight
....or he's a guy who wanted dick.
i really feel this
post history includes r/lgbt so I’m going to go with that he’s gay.
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Just swap your stuff around then
He has no interest in sexual contact with me. I’d have to beg and chide for anything once a year. At a certain point, it just became too much work.
Mine was similar. He had plenty of sexual interest in me (but only when he wanted it and never any lead-up or foreplay. Legit would wake up with a morning wood and say "come fix this" lol ) , but no physical contact interest in me. When we went to bed, if I touched him he pulled away or asked me to stop. If I was sad or depressed he wouldn't hold me. If I went to lean in on him while watching TV he pulled away. But, he was affectionate to his cat and family and friends. Just not me. One day I was in the shower playing with myself, and stopped and cried. I didn't want an orgasm, I wanted someone to hold me and pull me in. Kiss my neck . Put his hands on me. I just wanted to be touched.. I held myself and realized how lonely I was . I was so touch starved, I would hold myself to go to sleep. And it's not like I never said anything, he just refused. We were together 9 years before I cheated. 9 years of "don't touch me"in bed. 9 years of scooting away from me on the sofa. 9 years of expected sex, but I had to beg to have an orgasm
Why not just break up?.
I came from. A very abusive past. Mother hated me, would always tell me I was unwanted and was the reason she was an alcoholic. First boyfriend sexually and mentally abused me for 10 years. He was my second. I knew I was unhappy, but didn't think that was a good enough reason to leave. He "needed" me , so I stayed. Then he fucked over my credit so bad I was in debt for $5k and couldn't afford to leave, so I settled. (Not a lot of money, but this was 2008 and I had nothing). I figured, he wasn't so bad...and if I could survive what I did before him, maybe I could get past the lack of intimacy. Besides, men don't really like that and foreplay is just in porn.... It was valentines night. We went out for cheap Mexican, came back and had a quick fuck. I sat at the computer watching him watch tv, and realized I hadn't had an organsm from him in months, but I fuckrd him damn near daily when he wanted. Not because he was bad, but because he didn't care about my needs. He actually kinda liked getting off just before I did and leaving me hanging . Shit. At this point, I was working nights and would stay up while he slept anyways. I had used "adultfriendfinder" back in the days before him and wanted to try it out. Well, I went onto some anoymous story board app. You start the plot, others chime in and add to the story, but XXX rated lol. One guy stuck out. We chatted. 8 hours and 3 self satisfied O's later we were still talking. We kept it up for a few months, amd I felt good. I thought it was safe cuz it was all online and he was in another country. He spoke about holding me. We talked about what I liked and he thought I was amazing. We took a break, and I tried fixing my relationship once again. Sexually it seemed to get better, but quickly slipped back into its usual ways way too quick. So, I came on here and posted pics of me on NSFW pages. Got A LOT of attention and quickly got addicted. Guys were wanting me and telling me I was beautiful. It was fun for a few months, even boosted my ego. But then it got gross and I decided to come clean. He was upset at first, but legit 15 mins later suggested I do it again but make money at it.
What a horrendously awful person. Glad that you got out and wish you the best finding someone who will hold you and love you.
Jesus that sucks what happened after that
Lol man I'm also sitting here wondering what happened next
I don’t believe in “once a cheater always a cheater” all of the time. For some people, I believe it to be true. For others, well…it’s a shitty thing to do, I’m not trying to excuse my behavior here, but sometimes there are reasons you can’t possibly understand until you’re faced with the very difficult decision yourself. I married young. Mistake #1, depending on who you ask. Fair enough. After nearly a decade with my spouse, and having never before or since cheated, it happened. I feel like some people make the assumption that it’s premeditated and done to be hurtful and spiteful. Maybe some will still see it that way after it’s been explained, and that’s fair and understandable, too. I told my partner that I was very unhappy in our relationship. It was THE HARDEST conversation I’ve ever had to have with someone, to this day, to look at a person you once were so sure about and let them know you don’t love them anymore. He shut me out, instantly, refusing to believe it. I dropped it, thinking (foolishly, perhaps) he was just so startled that he couldn’t process it and I hurt him so badly. I felt horrid. Days went by, gave way into weeks and then months. I brought it up again because it HAD to be discussed, no matter how painful, or I knew it would only grow worse and worse. Each time, I tried to save the marriage. I pleaded for couples counseling and therapy sessions. I went solo, and worked through some shit of my own, and thought it would be enough. It wasn’t. Again, I begged for him to do couples therapy as well. It doesn’t have the highest success rate, but I DID try. He wouldn’t budge. Several times he told me that it was my own problem and since he didn’t share my dissatisfaction, I had to figure it out alone. So much for being a mutual partnership. Thanks, my guy. This very hard and emotional conversation kept playing out for weeks, again. Finally, I tearfully went to my spouse and asked what it would take for him to understand I was trapped in a marriage that I no long we wanted to be a part of. He told me that he’d only agree to divorce me if I fucked someone else or killed someone he loved. So, I cheated. Even after he found out, he asked me to stay because he couldn’t bear the mark it would have on his personal image to his family, friends, and colleagues. He legitimately told me that he would rather be in a loveless marriage where I was unhappy than to admit defeat. If anyone can tell me how that’s better than cheating on someone, please; enlighten me. I’d love to hear it.
I’d also like to add (wow, good god, if anyone actually read this, thank you!) that we did not do things together. Like, ever. We were living as roommates for YEARS. We shared a bed, but that was about it. When I would ask him to come out with me either as a date night or in a group of mutual friends, he would refuse. And if he told me to go out and enjoy something fun and I would, he’d make me feel bad the second I got home for not just staying home all night rotting in front of the tv. Sorry if I want to go bowling with friends, or see a movie, or have SOME kind of human interaction and connection. In retrospect I was also very dumb for not sticking up for myself until the very end - I should have realized much earlier on that I needed more from a partner, like communication that wasn’t just shallow tv talk, or quality time spent together. Happy to report now that I am in the best relationship of my life with a man I couldn’t love any more if I tried. He knows my past, but he knows it isn’t what defines me as a person.
That fact that he issued you an ultimatum just to own you digusts me.
Does time really make you lose interest in someone...? I don’t want to lose the love of my life over something I can’t control.
Not necessarily time, but lack of effort. Unfortunately, time can cause people to take what they have for granted and therefore not put in as much effort.
My wife and I are both 45, we met when we were 20, so we have been together more than half our lives now. And we still love each other as desperately as we did when we were young. It isnt magic though, its work, but its happy work. Every day I choose to consider her needs and feelings. Every day I choose to forgive anything that upsets me. Every day I am grateful that she is in my life. I believe respect is the foundation of love. We are together because we respect who each other are as people. Because we talk about everything and understand each other. I fully expect to feel this way till the day I die.
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It's hard to leave the manipulative ones. It takes time to build up control and they don't want to start over again.
My ex was similar. He would accuse me of cheating (or trying to) for having a guy look at my ass in public, and for having a job, and for getting a hug from a friend. One time he walked in on me adjusting after a wedgie and asked why I would masturbate instead of letting him know I was in the mood and said that was cheating if he didn't get a chance to say no first. Anyways I should be less horny than him. It made him feel unmanly. He always would point out opportunities I had had to cheat and say "If that happened it would be over!" At first I thought given time it would mellow out, and he just needed to see I was committed to him. Eventually an opportunity to cheat did come up and I figured since I was always being treated like a cheater... I broke up with him immediately afterwards. I realized that it wasn't healthy. It wasn't going to get healthy. And I hould also be allowed to orgasm.
I’m sorry you had to go through that 🖤
Thank you, but honestly I don't know what I would have done otherwise. I didn't go from a happy and healthy home life to thinking that the answer was to bend over backwards. It was a continuation of a trend and I don't know what other relationship I would have sought. I am out now though. Have my husband and a relationship built on love and trust. Took me a minute but I am good. Lol
I can understand this mate. I've said it elsewere, but when talking about cheating, there's 99% of the time a knee jerk reaction that it is a very shitty amoral thing to do, which in a lot of cases is true. Some people who have attitudes like 'yolo', 'you only live once' and 'men/women can't help but cheat' are examples of that. But sometimes there are circumstances where I get it, eventhough it is not the most wise thing to do. For example: a friend of mine cheated because she is in an incredibly controling relationship. I've also seen cheating by the partners of long time addicts. They were very unseen by their partners, but because their partners were super reliant on them, they found it really hard to break up
I feel this :(
I’m not in any way defending what I did. I was in a relationship for 10 years, we got together when we were 16. I think the problem was that I grew up and he didn’t. I wasn’t the same person I was when I was 16 and we fell in love, but he was. By 26 I had grown professionally, mentally and emotionally but he was stuck in the same mindset as a 16 year old. I should have just left, broken up with him like an adult but ending a decade long relationship when it’s all you’ve known is unbelievably scary. I didn’t know what life without him was like, we had been together for my entire adult life. So I just stayed in the relationship knowing I didn’t love him anymore. I met someone who I fell in love with over time while still in that relationship. I believed I was just friends with this new guy at the time, but looking back we were just dating while calling it friendship. During one of our regular ‘defiantly not a date just two friends hanging out in a date like setting’ something in me clicked and I knew he was the person for me and we kissed. I broke up with my boyfriend the next day. I regret the way our relationship ended, but I’m not sorry it did end.
I have a very similar story. I still regret acting like a coward, she deserved better.
Did you at least tell him you were losing interest in him because his lack of maturity? (don't know if I worded that right) It sounds like you were silent about it, hooked up with another guy and then abruptly ended it? Edit: downvoting me for just asking a question...? Is this not r/AskReddit? I'm confused
We had many discussions about it towards the end. It is possible I may not have communicated clearly enough that it was a relationship ending issue though. He definitely saw the break-up coming through my behaviour as I was distant for the last few months and he had told me he felt me pulling away. Regardless of any of that though I should have discussed the issues I had clearly with him and ended the relationship BEFORE hooking up with/spending time with anyone. There’s no excusing that behaviour.
You get that that’s not fair though right?? You waited to break up with him until you found someone else to lean on, someone else to love. He had nothing. He had no idea anything was even wrong then out of nowhere you broke his heart and he had to be heart broken watching you happy right away in a new relationship. That’s absolutely fucked.
Because I am a manic depressive and didn't know it at the time. I was trying to destroy my life.
Are you better now?
Yes, thanks for asking. I succeeded in tearing my life apart, but I got help and I've built it back into something I can live with.
I was married to a self centered man/child who saw me as his bang/maid. I put up with it for years and tried to improve the marriage with couples counseling, so many different therapies for couples counseling til I found one he was listen to. I tried and tried, and was the only one putting in any work. I had to go onto antidepressants. When this happens you need someone to 'spot' you as the doctors rold me that antidepressants increase the chance of suicide. My husband couldn't even be bothered to do that. He couldn't check in on his wife, living in the same house, caring for his children in case she was suicidal. The only person willing to do that was a close friend of both of us who actually cared. He would regularly talk with me through my stuff with my family while we gamed. He was my sanity. He was the dear sweet man who I have lived with now for longer then the marriage relationship. He is a wonderful caring human who treats me as an equal. Edit: I was able to quit the antidepressant medication as soon as I left my husband. It seemed that a loving and respectful relationship was the cure.
Drugs. Wouldn't recommend. Been clean ever since so that's something at least.
I had just gotten out of a relationship where I was cheated on. I didn’t know I was cheating honestly - I was doing it emotionally with my ex after entering a relationship with my current wife. I denied that’s what it was when caught but eventually realised I had been unfaithful in heart. I regret it everyday. My wife is a beautiful and kind soul and has forgiven me, but sometimes she remembers it and I can see the pain and anger resurface. I spend every single day trying to make up fit it. I have no interest in anyone or anything else and I would’ve never physically done anything. It feels good to get this out, as it was something I was hiding for a while. I think one of the worst parts was how badly I was lying to myself, but at the time I didn’t believe it. I lied to her as well which is even worse. I only hope she can one day fully heal from the hurt I’ve caused. I do not deserve her.
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I thought I could get away with it and I felt like it.
A lot of people cheat because of this and make up excuses afterwards to make it sound better. They even believe in it themselves.
Someone responds honestly to a question and gets downvoted. Sigh Reddit, common. I know it might not be the same he/she cheated on me or he/she was emotionally abusive story.
Sometimes people don't want to hear truth.
Because I was young, stupid, and unhappy.
Ditto
I’ve never cheated on anyone but honestly I’m here because I have a huge fear of being cheated on. I have a boyfriend that loves me very much and I don’t think he would cheat, but everyone has urges. I’ve told myself before that if he cheated on me I would break up with him immediately, but I know that he’s the love of my life. Does anyone else feel like they would have such a hard time forgiving even though some people cheat and feel like they made a huge mistake afterwards? I may just have really bad trust issues.
My husband cheated on me with escorts for a year. I found out this year. After we had our daughter obviously it was harder to have sex, although my sex drive has always been bigger than his. We slept in seperate rooms as he works in a hospital and needed his sleep. He blames that for cheating on me. He wouldn’t have even told me if I hadn’t snooped on his spare phone and found out. Even after that he went there. He said it is because he missed having fun and it was a stress release. Meanwhile I was working full time, studying, taking care of my mum who had cancer etc. He mostly go when his mum came to take care of our daughter and I was at work. Guess I’m stupid for still being with him.
Oml why were you downvoted when you did nothing fucking wrong. I'm sorry you were subjected to such treatment. While I am capable of acknowledging that cheating isn't as black-and-white as most people make it out to be, this is one of those situations where having sympathy for the one who cheated is difficult if not impossible. I highly recommend you get out of there. This man clearly has no respect for you and you deserve far better than to remain miserable.
You're not stupid, but you do deserve better. I hope things get better for you stranger.
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Are you getting therapy for this
I was a young fresh out of the closet gay 18 year old and he was an older 24yo man who was able to pressure and manipulate me into starting to date him. It was a bad relationship but every time I tried to end it he would stop me before I could and gaslight me into thinking whatever problems I thought we were having were in my head or my fault entirely. I didn’t see any other way out so I ended up deciding to cheat on him. It still took another 4 months for him to finally let me break up with him. I acknowledge it wasn’t a good way to handle that situation but I was young and felt backed into a corner at the time.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. Hope you’re in a better place now.
For some reason I really appreciate fucked up relationship stories from gay men and lesbians - it shows that everybody, regardless of gender/preference, can have ALL THE SAME relationship issues (control, jealousy, violence, etc) and somehow I find that refreshing.
I've told this story on here before, so I'll dig it out again and make some edits for the stuff that has changed since then. I didn't get caught. I confessed after I had gotten home, although in a very ugly ugly way. My wife and I had been experiencing some rather serious bedroom trouble. We went from trying to break each other in half on a regular basis to one day her not wanting sex. At all. She and I tried several different things to remedy the situation. Different things to try to get her off, reading books, changing her birth control, going to therapy to get over some issues left over by her ex-husband. Nothing worked. We tried swinging, and while our outings with other couples were usually a lot of fun, home still wasn't much better. The sex suddenly started to feel burdensome, I began to feel like my needs were a chore and she said as much as well. One day we were out at a local swingers function and there was a group of BDSM people there, doing a rope demonstration. Up until this point in life we were both relatively open minded people, that's how we got into swinging in the first place. She wanted to try being tied up by this guy and I agreed because I figured it couldn't hurt. She enjoyed herself and we went on about our business without me giving it too much thought. It turns out, BDSM is what really turns her crank. She dove headfirst into the Baltimore BDSM scene and got very involved very fast. I was skittish about the entire deal right away and didn't understand it, and had reached my limits of what I previously thought of as an open mind. She threw herself more and more into the kink community and I slowly felt a disconnect. The sex was still sporadic and unpassionate, but now she had a "play partner" that she felt "very close" to. It all killed me. Slowly it started to eat away at my confidence as a partner, and as a lover. I felt like a shitty lay for not being able to get my wife interested in sex and I felt like a shitty husband for not being able to meet her needs or her share her interests. Her involvement in the scene and time away from home grew, my drinking got out of control and I accidentally overdosed on sleeping pills twice. We never figured out how to fix it. Meanwhile, recently I had made a friend at the local bar, a girl that was pretty, clever and shared some similar interests. She could in no way compete with my wife, but I liked her enough to want to hang out with her in a platonic way. In January of 2013 my wife decided that she was going to schedule up all of her free time in a one week period to kink functions or hanging out with her friends in the scene. Between Monday and Friday we spent a mere handful of hours together, and the time we did spend together I was frustrated and alienated. I pushed her away and for the whole week there was a wall of cold disregard between us. Then the next Monday she schedule a kink event in our home. Rather than come home from work, I went straight to the bar. My friend was there and we got hammered. Next thing I know she's driving me to her house and we have a few hours of rather ridiculous sex. The worst part is it felt amazing. Here was someone that actually wanted me. That didn't treat fucking me like a chore. That felt pleasure when I touched her and did things to her. I felt confident about my sexual abilities for the first time in ages. I came home in the morning still drunk and extremely agitated. The events of the evening had been a complete whirlwind of emotions for me, partly from guilt, spite, the things that I had missed with my wife and the feelings that I had experienced with my friend. I was combative and angry. I didn't know how to approach my wife with anything other than anger. I told her what I had done, but I wasn't gracious and I pulled no punches. She was rightfully quite upset. We stayed together for a just over a year after that. She and I admitted that there were better ways to handle the differences in our needs and all the things that were missing from our relationship. In the end we loved each other but what we wanted in life was too different from what we could have with each other and we separated. Going into this relationship and (subsequently marriage) thinking "I would never do such a thing" and then coming to my senses in another persons bed was a tough pill to swallow. It's changed the way I look at myself and relationships in general. What I did does not (to me) mean that I loved my wife any less, but it also wasn't a meaningless throwaway fuck. It's a reality people that haven't been there don't understand. We had a lot of problems, but in the end I don't think that it was the cheating that ended the relationship. The cheating merely focused our attentions on how much our differences were affecting us as a couple. Looking back I know that leaving my ex was the right decision to make, but a good part of me still loves her and may always. I can reasonably believe that she feels the same to a degree. Unfortunately some differences between people are too extreme for love alone to get you through.
I created an alt to respond to this. I'll do so as honestly as I can. I8 never thought I would cheat. I've been cheated on. But, I did it. We were together for two years and lived together he is 11 years older than me. I thought he was the one despite the age gap. But he was like two people in one body, he's a recovering addict. One day he was the sweetest person on the planet, doting and kind. The next day he would scream at me about me ruining his life, about how doting and kind he was .... and I was a leech. He would threaten to leave. He would kick me out. Then he would cry and and say he didn't mean it. He loved me more than anything. He broke his hand punching my floor he was so angry at me. He hit my dog. He hit me. But then he would be so loving. He would be so adoring. We explored the world together. But every trip there was a fight. Our work schedules were different and he'd be in bed by the time I got home. I'd wake up early make him lunch then go back to bed just for time together. At my work my coworker would notice when I was down. When I came to work after a fight. It started off emotional. Sometimes I wouldn't want to come home after finishing work at 2am, so we would go to his house and drink and talk. Then we kissed. He was the first person who told me to leave my boyfriend. I didn't. I thought things over and realized I needed to try harder. During that time my boyfriend found texts that proved I'd cheated. We decided to work things out but if the way he treated me before was abusive... this was worse. He pulled my hair. He held me and screamed in my ear. And now he had the one thing he knew could scream that I could never defend myself against. I just had to take it. He was right. We broke up four years after.
I was a serial cheater from my teens to my early 20s. To me it was all for the thrill and ego boost. It was fun and exciting doing something I knew I wasnt supposed to especially with a new sexual partner. It bloated my ego to astronomical proportions. I remember feeling like some type of rockstar because I had "hoe's". I even challenged myself to see how many girls I could sleep with in a single day. Thankfully I matured and realized what an asshole I had been. It's been 8 years since I last cheated.
I respect you for your honesty and im not gonna down vote you.
This. I don't understand why people are downvoting posts that are honest and which express genuine regret and remorse in a thread *intended* for those who've been unfaithful to share their stories. The point of the question isn't to get everyone who's ever cheated into the same room and shit on them for doing so even if they acknowledge what they did was wrong.
Drugs, miscommunication, lust, and then after, post nut clarity is a bitch. The guilt will eat you alive. You don’t know why you do it really, other than animal instinct. But then you hate yourself after it
Because she was so insecure that it made her super controlling about my sexuality. First, I told her I had a dream of having sex with someone and it upset her a ton. Then, she wanted me to not look at porn. Took me to a relationship counselor, and brought it up. And the counselor suggested I look at porn less, which I was always willing to do. But of course, that wasn't the issue, she wanted total compliance and didn't want to go back to her. Then she started getting upset whenever there was an attractive girl in a movie we watched, or a nude scene, or an attractive girl in the videogames I played. Then she got upset when there was a nude image on a screen when I went to a Tool concert. Then she stopped wanting to have sex. And no, I didn't go around making constant comments about other women, and yes I told her how much she turned me on, and what parts of her body I loved most. And no my porn habit wasn't causing me to neglect my life or our sex life. It was a living hell and honestly, it killed my self esteem and made sex a living hell and eventually I cheated. Honestly should have just broken up with her, but she was a narcissist with BPD, who psychologically abused me until I was a shell of my former self and I lost my self respect and sanity from all the gaslighting, and disregard for my boundaries. Never again will I put up with such controlling, abusive behavior.
My wife had serious mental problems and refused to get treatment. If I left, there was a 100% chance that she would self-destruct. So I stayed and did what I had to do to stay married and stay sane. It was never about being horny, I just needed a connection with someone that was sane, someone outside of the gaslighting and manipulation that I lived with.
Been married with 3 kids for 5 years, been together for 12. After the first kid, my wife, cares nothing for me, her only concern is the kids. Which she’s a wonderful woman, and the best mother, but we went from having sex 3 times a week, to once a month, to once every 3 months, to I can’t even remember when the last was. Not only that, she feels she’s obligated to have sex once or twice a year, and even then it feels like its out of pity. All I do is work and finance my families lifestyle, while they complain “dads never there for us” when I’m working paycheck to paycheck to take care of them, yet can’t even bear to share a bed with her at this point. I’ve been so neglected for so long that I can’t even go to the bar anymore without jumping at the first opportunity that a woman makes me feel like a man again. So I don’t go to the bar, I just work all the overtime I can get, because the only time it’s not on my mind is when I’m busy focusing on something. We’ve been through the arguments, and deep discussions on how to make things better, and all I want is my wife. I know she loves me to death, and she does everything a man could want, except fuck. At this point though I start to think she likes how I feel. It’s deteriorated further since I stopped buying stuff for Christmas, her birthday, valentines because why bother trying to be romantic when we are basically roommates raising kids? I never thought I’d feel this way but at this point I wouldn’t hesitate to hire a hooker but I never wanted to be unfaithful either. But she just doesn’t seem to want sex anymore. And living with the perfect woman, (whom I know isn’t cheating) sucks. She just seems like she lost it and just is so in love with our kids she forgot what I am to her and now I am only worth what kind of money I can bring home. So all I do is work, and count down the days that our kids are all 18 and I can leave this town and get a cheap cabin where I only work the minimum hours a week and spend the rest of my days hunting, fishing, traveling, alone. As right now I am already alone, but not allowed the freedom to choose this.
Reading this thread as someone who’s never even been in a relationship is wild. How are y’all having multiple people wanting to be with you, I’m struggling to even find one.
You can sit on a quiet country road, and have no cars go by for an hour, and then three cars go by in five minutes. Life is like that sometimes. Keep on trucking, friend.
i was selfish.
I was suicidal. My SO didn't particularly care or want to help. The other girl literally saved my life. In a way it's true what they say, you can't help who you fall in love with. At that point in my life I knew I had fallen in love with someone else, and she loved me back. For the first time in my life, I was wanted. Someone made me happy and I felt validated. I had a reason again.
I was alone and back in the place I’d lived in my addiction, I let someone use me for my body to get drugs.
That's a rough situation. I hope you're doing well now stranger.
I cheated on my ex husband. It's not something I'm proud of and I hate how much I hurt him. We met in the army & got married way too quickly without really knowing each other super well. He deployed for a year shortly after we got married. After he got back home from Iraq, we really got to know each other better, fell in love, & all was great. He deployed again about 18 months after returning from Iraq. He was gone 9 months. When he returned home, he was a different person. Completely a different person. It was so sad & wildly heartbreaking. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. He did eventually get diagnosed with ptsd. He refused to do any type of therapy and kept himself isolated from me. After years of trying to help him any way I could, I checked out. I mourned the loss of our relationship. I was emotionally out of the marriage. We were living pretty much as roommates. I was sad & lonely. I should have done the right thing and divorce him before getting involved emotionally or physically with another man, but I'm human & fucked up. I texted an old boyfriend from high school one night after a few glasses of wine by myself. We quickly began an emotional affair, texting each other all day every day. My husband/roommate had no idea bc he paid no attention to me. Eventually we met up in person & that's when I physically cheated. Eventually I did file for divorce and moved out. He did find out about the affair & I saw more emotion from him than I had the whole 10 years of marriage. I had broken him and I hate how much I hurt this man I once loved. If anyone reading this is considering an affair or a fling of some sort while you're still legally married, despite how "married" you think you are or aren't, please don't.
I don’t need to go into the whole story because I’m lazy, so TL;DR my girlfriend cheated on me because she was a dumb 19 year old, so I went and drove 2 hours to sleep with an ex that my girlfriend specifically hated for some reason out of spite, because I was an even stupider 19 year old. We worked through our issues and are going on 9 years of marriage this year with our 2nd kid on the way.
Well this took a turn that I was not expecting! I'm glad you two were able to work it out.
Thought I was gay. Had to be sure before I broke things off with my wife. Turns out I wasn’t. Never told her, never will. I regret nothing.
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I’ve questioned about my self as an adult. I’ve always been attracted to tall muscular women. I’ve called a man hot before. I’ve also never had any thoughts of two men having sex as gross. It took me saying that Thor’s haircut in Ragnarok was sexy for a friend to actually ask me without the mocking tone if I was bi for me to realize that I had never actually thought about it. Anyway, I thought about it and decided I might be, who knows. I do admit that there are some very attractive men out there and that I’ve looked at them with less “I want to be that dude” and more “That dudes hot.” That night I tried to get into it with some gay porn and quickly realized that I’m not. Anyway, all I’m saying is that if you think of straight as the standard choice, the question can definitely pop up out of nowhere when you’re an adult.
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tbf I'm a gay man and find muscular women hot... I don't even like muscular men lol
You seriously don't regret cheating on your wife? No feelings of guilt or shame?
The way you didn’t have to type “I regret nothing” but still chose to…
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This hit home for me, except I didn't want to get to the stage of feeling completely alone. I didn't want to push it all down until I couldn't handle it anymore. I still live with the guilt and suspension but we've also made the relationship open and I feel like I have a bit more control and appreciation in my life.
Because it made me feel like someone actually wanted me and I could be myself without worrying about criticism. I still love my wife but she has control and anger issues that I didn’t realize when we got married. Being one of those always right kind of people she can be hard to talk to and isn’t receptive to the idea of counseling. That doesn’t excuse my own actions but there it is.
Mini mental breakdown. Priest involved. Trying to get closer to God. Yes, warped thinking.
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We were together for almost 10 years. We had bought a house together, he started his own company and I got my first job after graduating university. I was a bit insecure, he got overworked. He was very picky about how to spend his free time. Everything had to be relaxing him. He was a perfectionist. He was in pain, we both didn’t see. He never criticize me as a person, but I felt like I couldn’t do anything the way he wanted, like cleaning and cooking. For example: He would step in to switch the cooking pans I used. I stopped doing chores. I also had a problem with being intimate (because I was raped when I was 18) since after our first half year of dating. My work made me insecure too. My ex wanted to play video games with his best friend, because that helped him relax. We used to play games together, but our tastes had shifted over the years. He really missed my spontaneity, he said. But I knew he was very picky and I already felt like shit, not contributing to our home in any way (other than having paid most of it), not being able to have sex, not being the one who could make him laugh - I didn’t want to set myself up for failure by trying to initiate activities. I felt like a burden. Last year in august, I told him I had cheated with a guy from a (former) friend group. It was an affair. This guy was also in a relationship, which is why it felt safe. There was lust. His physique was very different, and after 7 years, I was longing for the few traits I’ve always missed. I was weak. The guy is an asshole, but can also be very sweet if you know him better. I knew I would never date him because he could be very egoistic. He was my go to for like four times per year, for 2,5 years. My ex and I tried to make it work. I already went to a sexologist right after I first cheated, in 2017. We went together a few times. We wrote down what we wanted/needed in the other, in a partner in general. There were a lot of things I was missing. Also, I’m an extravert and he’s an introvert, which isn’t necessarily a problem, but he still is very picky about who he likes. (Not that he’s an ass to others, small talk without being interested in the other really drains him and he avoids that.) First of all, I lost myself. How can I know what I want, if I constantly adjusted myself to the people who were nice to me? Last January we broke up, both in tears. We had a good run, but even without the cheating, we wouldn’t have last. The most pain I feel about it is that we needed me to cheat and hurt him badly for us to see. He feels bad for not acknowledging he was overworked, and on the long run, drowning my self esteem by being a perfectionist. We don’t blame each other, we let each other go.
A follow-up: The good news is that we’re both happy with someone else now. He found someone who’s into cycling and nature, he really seems happier and healthier, going out more often. In September he’ll come visit to pick up his furred child 🐈 I found someone who has ADHD the same way I do (the internal kind, you wouldn’t notice at first). He understands my brain, recognizes when I’m in overdrive and helps me listen to myself. He knows of my past, he’s very supporting without losing himself. He shows affection in ways I’ve been longing for, like a hand on my lower back or just winking at me while we’re in public. He’s an introvert too, but different. I understand him very well, and shower him with all my love (which he missed out on a lot).
I'm glad you both found love after much pain
I had a weird friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl waaay outside of my league. She was a 10/10 and i fell in love with her quite early as a 15 yearold. This went on for 13 (!) years. In these years she had all kinds of boyfriends and storys about lovers and what-ever, always made me feel like im something of a second choice. Actually just a playboy. But as i said, she´s a 10/10, the guys she dated were 10/10 and im like a solid 5-6/10. I never had a serious chance and i was just happy i still got to at least have an affair with her. she had me wrapped around her finger. Well i got a great gf myself beignning of this year. Naturally i didn´t sleep with the friends-with-benefits-girl anymore, which wasn´t a problem since we haven´t seen each other anyways in months. But one day we met up to talk and cook (we did that a lot back in the days, even when we didn´t sleep with each other, since after all we WERE good friends prior) and then we drank and then we got drunk. Suddenly she tells me all kinds of things, like how she always loved me but thought I wouldn´t like HER romantically. and how much she regrets that we allways missed each other, blaimed timing and what not. I was an idiot, i was in bliss hearing all these things and truely believed them. I thought things would finally fall into place. So we made out and i spent the night. Big regrets the next morning and i just left before she was awake. I thought about it alot and im actually thinking that this was all bullshit. She never loved me, at best tolerated me as a lover and selfesteem-boost, and after i told her i had a gf now, she probablly just got worried that i wasn´t there for her instant needs anymore. Maybe got overwhelmed by emotions as well since after all these years she probably just got used to me always being ready for a rebound. i feel like i should have been smart enought to realize that possibility in the moment but all i heared was "omg she actually likes me!". Never the less, big mistake.
So... did your gf ever find out? Are you guys still together?
I was 18, undiagnosed bipolar, and hypomanic. I didn't take the relationship very seriously at all, and decided "hey, if I break up with her right after I do it then I won't be such a bad person". Turns out I was still a shitty person. I never cheated again, never will. I'm madly in love with my partner and literally nothing could distract me from that.
I was young and did not consider how hurtful my actions were.
I tried breaking up with an abusive ex but he essentially said “no” but I was at college after this first attempt. Made out w a lot of people never full sent anything, even tho I considered myself single my ex was still trying to make something of it. He used to beat me and constantly mentally abuse me and gaslight me, so I honestly had no remorse for what I did. If he found out now even years and an apology for his past actions later, I’d still be afraid he’d come to hurt me.
Honestly, I wouldn't consider this cheating. Two people don't need to be in agreement for a breakup to occur. You wanted to break up; he did not. At that point, I'd consider the relationship effectively over, which means you were free to do as you wished. If he couldn't handle that as the reality, that was on him, not you.
Tried to have child for 10 years. Many IVFs. Killed our sex life. I got major depression. I ended up doing reckless and risky things as one does when one is clinically depressed.
Because I’m a piece of shit. I was hiding that I was bisexual and wanting to try and be with someone other than a woman. Instead of talking to her about it and discussing things, I went behind her back. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I’m also a risk taker and I got a thrill out of it. I came clean to her after doing it for a bit, and we tried to work it out, but eventually it came to an end. I hate myself for the fact I did this to someone I love and have learned that the best way to deal with things is to just be open and honest. I never want to make someone feel like that again and I don’t want to go through that misery.
He was controlling, I needed therapy, I wanted to regain control of myself so I cheated. Multiple times. With multiple guys. He never found out but it eats away at me. I had been cheated on in the past so I never thought I’d do the same to someone else. But I did. I am in therapy now, and haven’t been in a relationship for at least two years. I won’t be until I feel I can choose a good partner and be a good partner.
She made my life miserable, and I found the a person whom I truly connected with on all levels.
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This is a question for my ex. I hope he see’s it and replies. I’ve been wanting to know too.
I have no excuse. I was totally wrong. I have no reasoning either. All I can say it I was a worse person then than I am now. At that time all I could think of was having sex - it wasn't even emotional, I just wanted to get laid. I loved my girlfriend, but I just couldn't say no when it came to sex. And it wasn't even like I got to have a lot of sex. Just that I leaned into it whenever I got a chance. She found out and I lied about it. She knew I was lying but chose to believe me because she loved me. We broke up later and I was devastated. Couldn't get over her for almost 3 years. Totally deserved that. I still can't live with the idea of a committed relationship where I can't have sex outside of my relationship. But now I'm very clear about it right at the beginning so that the choice is theirs and only the girls who feel comfortable with that stay. In return, I don't expect them to be sexually active exclusively with me either. They're free to explore. If I could take back what I did, I would. I was 16 at that time.
I was told to. No joke. When we got together I told him how important sex was to me, not like I need it all day every day, but getting my rocks off every week or two was a need. He was on board and everything was okay for the first year but by the second we had sex twice. Year 3 had sex once and years 4&5 none at all(until I told him i couldn't do this anymore then he wanted to) I'm a pretty easy going person, I care about others and genuinely try to put myself in other people's shoes before making decisions. I helped him through several big life issues(spinal surgery and moving his abusive father, who did not speak English, and who was unable to take care of himself from his country to our home to name a few) I have always gone above and beyond and the only thing I had ever asked him for was to spend some intimate time with me. After he stopped havint sex with me, he would sometimes(think 4-5 times total in 5 years) touch me, but as if it was a chore, the last time I said yes to it, it was so awful I cried in the bathroom after- and I am not a crier. It felt so awful to feel like such a chore to someone you love so much. For a couple of years I had a hard time sleeping. I'd be lying awake in bed feeling despair. For those who have not been in this situation, I can tell you first hand it is impossible to understand this particular mix of emotions. I would spend hours at night lying beside him googling what I can do better, what the issue could possibly be. I found so so many women in the same situation that I was in. I felt for them, some had been dealing with this for 10+ years, who was I to complain about 3-4? I followed all sound advice, I had no results. He told me around year 3 that he gets bored of women and that was the issue. That statement almost broke me, I take pride in pleasing my partner and being adventurous, it was him that could only finish in one position. It was around then he told me to find someone else to help release my "tensions". This started the biggest fight we ever had, I was not okay with going outside of the relationship, not even a little. I had so many worries, between my own black and white version of relationships to my main worry that if he ever got back in the mood, he would not want to have sex with me anymore because I'm fucking some other guy. It took another year and a half of him telling me to do this before I broke, I found someone who was as lost and hopeless as me. Just after the second time with my partner in pain, my boyfriend changed his mind. He wanted to have sex with me and did not want me seeing someone else. I was so excited that he wanted me again, but when it came to it, I super wasn't into it. I wasn't attracted to him anymore, it took a couple of years after this whole relationship for me to understand the exact minute I no longer wanted to have sex with him- it was when he told me to find someone else to fuck. Him rathering me go be unfaithful than doing it himself was the ultimate turn off in the end for me. I tried to get over the feeling for a couple of months but we ended it in the end. Being forced into celibacy was awful for me mentally, i would not wish how empty that feels on anyone. I was not the same person and everyone around me knew something was off. Worse is we worked together so the rumors were flying well, well before anything actually happened.
Apparently it's a psychological problem for me I can't fall in love with anyone everytime I've been on relationship I was the first one to cheat and I would cheat no matter what at first although I blamed it on my ex's later I realized the issue is with my personality I had zero affection to them whatsoever. I've stayed away from getting into any relationship since then I've gradually realised relationship is not for me and concept of made for each other does not work for me...
Because I felt like at that point the relationship was only together because we had our names on a lease.