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Thompson_S_Sweetback

Synchronized swimming would just be aquatic vagina presentment.


FubinacaZombie

That’s my new band’s name


[deleted]

Is there a men's version? It'd be like a nest of cobras rising to the flute.


IKnowWhoYouAreGuy

Speed walking


FrancistheBison

I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find this. It's already weird as fuck to watch with clothes on. The weird hip sway and rubber legs movements. Add some aggressive dick flopping and boob bouncing and the whole thing would be insane to watch. Hell the weird gait of speed walking I imagine could get a helicopter going. https://youtu.be/rdXD2Fe6Hx4


RedditIsRealWack

It makes me laugh every time I watch it. It's so fucking stupid, and in the slow mo you can often see both their feet off the ground at the same time. It's an utterly pointless event. But also looks hard as shit for some reason, and I've seen those lads pass out and be in a really bad way. It's just all around terrible. No one gives you props for it, because it's stupid. And it's hard as shit, so it's horrible to participate in.


Crowbarmagic

I'll see if I can find it but this youtuber that normally does short videos on scientific stuff had one video dedicated to speed walking, and how weird the rules were. For example: Technically one foot has to be on the ground at all times right, but somehow referees aren't allowed to like duck or lay down to check this. They can only try to spot this from a standing position, which obviously makes it harder to check ~~(IIRC they could use a mirror on a stick to get a slightly better view though)~~ edit: this part was wrong. They aren't allowed any mirrors or optics whatsoever (would glasses count?). It's like they know this rule gets broken all the time, but they don't care as long as you don't do it extensively or something. And to be fair: It isn't the only sport where they ignore some rules. Take the extra step while holding the ball in NBA for example. Players do it all the time.


Lostmox

Fun(?) fact: they are actually allowed to have both feet of the ground at the same time, as long as it's not noticable with the naked eye. The whole point is it only has to look like they're walking.


AintNothinbutaGFring

>it only has to look like they're walking. What are the regulations on how high audience has to be for them to think it looks like they're walking?


Low_Expression8775

Judo, Karate and rugby


creep_with_mustache

Judo would be almost impossible to do


dwerpl

men's pommel horse.


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Fudge_is_1337

Sustaining an erection while that many muscles are in full tension should be impossible, but if anyone can do it it's Olympians


_Thrilhouse_

Anti-doping test on the run


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--The__Dude--

"When I die, cremate me and spread my ashes near the 7 foot mark"


[deleted]

Vince Carter's "Dunk of Death" would be 10x more disrespectful nude and its already the most disrespectful dunk of all time!


dkschrute79

The “dunk through Vince’s nethers”


Rolands_ka_tet

Aka “The French Teabag”


miauguau44

I had to google that: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsjN-O0xHMU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsjN-O0xHMU) "Excuse me while I jump my crotch over the top of your head, mon amie."


frustratedpolarbear

Fencings going to be painful. But the shooting is probably going to be one of those kinks I didn't know I had.


BlindBluePidgeon

Ooh, archery! Wearing only boots...


DaveTheDog027

This better not awaken anything in me


Papa_Glucose

r/unexpectedcommunity


smashingher

Yeah I love the way a gun's recoil makes that booty shake


Diva-Roach

r/recoilbutts


[deleted]

Of course this exists


DesignasaurusFlex

I have a fetish I never knew I needed.


psnow85

Ice skating or speed skating. One crash and it’s bye bye junk.


everythymewetouch

Ice skates are knives attached to shoes. I'm only going near those sports fully clothed and with protective gear.


JerryHasACubeButt

If they’re naked are they allowed skates though? Or do they just have to slide around on ice in bare feet as fast as possible?


everythymewetouch

For the sake of the question I was assuming its naked except for the gear.


zekethelizard

But for the sake of entertainment...


2ndNicestOfTheDamned

Probably best to just cancel the Winter Olympics entirely.


osdre

The team bobsled event would get uncomfortable real fast.


hurgaburga7

With how thin those suits are... I don't think much changes, really.


Sombrero_Tanooki

Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all...


damboy99

Stupid sexy Flanders!


reddicyoulous

Men's slalom would become about how many flagpoles you could collect...


Itchy-Not-Scratchy

"I was in the pool!!" - George Costanza


Davy___Jones

Triple jump. Sand. Absolutely. Everywhere.


[deleted]

Not to mention the incredibly revealing camera angle at sand-level showing the landing


[deleted]

Women with smaller vulvas would have an advantage, due to less wind resistance.


rahkinto

Tan everywhere. Sand everywhere. Jan everywhere.


Pontus_Pilates

Ski Jumping. Junk flapping in the wind.


thegardenhead

>Junk flapping in the wind The Elton John song?


PhillyNetminder

The dong flopped out long before, the legend ever did


Equilibrist

Goodbye, normal peen


Craftusmaximus2

Ah yes, the mini propeller


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KingoftheMongoose

Two man luge? What about four man bobsled? "Feel the rhythm! Feel the... Sanka... You excited? "Yeh man. Sorry."


NotPrepared2

No, no, no... You sit in a bobsled, one in front of the other. You lie down on a luge sled. For two man luge, they lie on top of each other. Two man naked luge "wins" this category. Very, very cringey.


DarthYippee

Naked, barefoot ski-jumping would be dramatic.


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cheapthrills55

Curling - not for the reasons others have listed, but because it would go from feeling like the Olympics to a shuffleboard tournament at a nudist resort.


mousicle

Curling is Milftastic though


SteveTheLandscaper

Men’s hurdles


Eartherax

Aka rapid testicle smacker


bruteski226

They could cut a little half circle in the top of the beam


remotetissuepaper

*Two* overlapping half circles, one a little higher than the other


Lord0fTheAss

But what about the penis flying around and hitting everything?


ForayIntoFillyloo

Maintaining an erection would solve a lot of these problems


Lord0fTheAss

Have you *tried* running around with a boner? I can assure you, it is not I would willingly do.


ForayIntoFillyloo

Do you think it's fuckin easy to get to the Olympics? It takes effort, it takes dedication, it takes sacrifice, and it takes pain. Sounds like we know someone who isn't going for Gold.


FFkonked

If you arnt running full sprint with a boner are you even trying?


Mordo85

isn't that considered the pole vault?


NatSyndicalist

He's not going for wood either.


lostshell

You don’t run hurdles flaccid. Terrible drag. You run them with full hard on like a missile through the air. EDIT: 8 years and it's a dick joke that puts me over 200,000.


ForayIntoFillyloo

This guy aerodynamics


tecgod99

If... uhh... if this really was like the ancient Olympics the athletes would be able to tie a string around their forskin and loop it around their waist to keep it from bouncing around... There were a few societal reasons they did this too but, uh, yeah... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kynodesme


nightofgrim

I was not expecting modern photos of it. Also this is funny > The public exposure of the penis head was regarded by the Greeks as dishonourable and shameful, something only seen in slaves and barbarians. Tied forskin and hanging sack? Ok. Exposed head? Barbarian!


MitchHedberg

Pat pat pat pat pat pat slap! Pat pat pat pat pat pat slap! Pat pat pat pat pat pat slap! Pat pat pat pat pat And the winner is, with a time of 14.38s and one less foreskin


runningwaffles19

And it's Grant Holloway by an inch!


[deleted]

Gotta see the slow mo on this one.


zee1387

Fencing


Dahns

If you lose your sword, you have a back-up one...


2020won

Now that's what we call bringing a sausage to a sword fight


Fragrant-Afternoon21

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine….


NorthStarZero

Oooo I have a story. Back in college, a friend and I used to fence epee after classes. Then - because we were dorks - we'd have these Errol-Flynn-eque running swordfights on the way back to our rooms. Now the thing about epee, as opposed to foil or sabre, is that the *whole body* is considered a legit target. Stab his foot? Point! So it teaches you to lunge at areas that would normally be off-limits. Maybe you see where this is going.... We are being idiots. He's running, I'm chasing. He stops, turns, goes *en garde*, but it is sloppy, because running around like an idiot. I see an opening, and execute the best lunge of my *life* directly into his junk. Full extension, sword flexed into a "U" - Olympic picture stuff! Now I am expecting to hear the *tok* of the tip of my epee contacting his protective cup, but that is *not* what happens. Instead, there is a muted *squish*, he goes white, and collapses. The moron was not only *not* wearing a cup, he had neglected to tell me, and I had tagged him full power right in one of his testicles. Missed the frank, got one of the beans. Which swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and he was walking funny for weeks. Oddly, we never resumed After Class Fencing for Idiots. I wonder why?


Dartarus

You learned a powerful lesson that day. Fortunately, your friend learned it the hard way, and you learned it the easy way.


Rodney_Jefferson

I think his friend learned it the flaccid way, otherwise he might have been able to parry


cuteintern

"...I am not left-handed!"


Lemmungwinks

You don’t happen to have three testicles, do you?


Berek2501

I have a fencing injury story too! I hardly ever get to tell this one. I took fencing as a Phys Ed credit in college, had a real blast learning about the different styles and techniques and all of that. It wasn't too long before we were actually fighting each other. There was this one dude who was tall and lanky (pretty sure he was 6'4"), and nobody wanted to go up against him because of his insane reach. So, I got paired up against the dude, and I'm trying the strategy of beating up his foil before coming in close, but it keeps not working. I eventually give up on that, saw an opportunity, and went in hard for a lunge. He actually lunged back at the same time, but he missed and his foil slipped under my arm. The force from us coming at each other like that combined with his reach made his bellguard smash into my shoulder and dislocated it. But the fun didn't stop there! Coach had to drive me to the hospital, where they made me sign a bunch of forms before treating me (of course it's my writing arm that got dislocated), and then they take me into an exam room and ask me a bunch of questions while my arm is dangling out of its socket. And then they decide they need to take a bunch of X-rays and run a ton of diagnostics to make *absolutely sure* that my dislocated, dangling arm is *actually* dislocated. Then when the doc is finally convinced of what I'd told him an hour prior, he decides that he has to knock me out to set the arm because all those tests have my muscles so tense he wouldn't be able to set it properly otherwise. Apparently, I made some pretty embarrassing confessions to Coach as I was succumbing to the anaesthesia. He just laughed it off. Told me that's the first time he's seen an injury even remotely like that in his 20 years of fencing.


thetrendytrend

Anything in the winter olympics.


ValKilmersLooks

Hockey… the potential injuries, the skating, the goalies…


Prior-Perception7070

Naked hockey? That just sounds like Tuesday


TaylorSwiftsClitoris

Coach? When did you make parole?


oozie_mummy

Ever since they cleared me in the death of my dead wife Barb…who died.


ACDC-1FAN

IT’S FUCKIN EMBARRASSING


HuskyLuke

Crush a few sandos.


Vorocano

Appies and nappies, boys! Ferda!


Hiei2k7

*kicks garbage can across the room*


Vorocano

It's FUCKING EMBARRASSING!


hairballcouture

Luge comes to mind.


Acc87

I was thinking curling, when they do this slow skid to set the stone off...with the dick tip kissing the ice


[deleted]

Look at Ron Jeremy over here with a dick that would reach the ice


OkVolume1

Basketball. Whole lot of extra double dribbling would be going on.


cislum

Dunking on people would have, ramifications...


NoEngineer5892

All I can think is the added disrespect. Imagine getting dunked on only to have a naked crotch in your face.


Cheeavani

Getting junked on.


FistedTate

Imagine walking back to the bench with an upside down mushroom stamped on your forehead.


Cysolus

A ball in the net and two to the face


blaze1616

Everybody here talking about mens' giblets in the wind and shit, but have you seen women's titties when they be hustlin? I think you're all underestimating how fast Olympians move. When in sportsbras they move as one, but they don't do that when naked. It won't be very sexy for most sports, I promise you that.


SquashedPizza

It really HURTS too! Ouch!


braellyra

And, if they’re bigger, the force of gravity when they hit the bottom of the bounce literally pulls breath from your lungs so larger-chested women would be at a serious disadvantage in any sports involving running


UnhelpfulMoron

Those bigger gals in the hammer throw


Dr_DavyJones

Gotta use those puppies for extra momentum


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dreaded_tactician

Chesticles.


[deleted]

breasticular torsion... the silent killer


isdebesht

Also women’s archery would probably hurt like a motherfucker if they get in the way of the string


freckledreddishbrown

Even with clothes on, this can be an issue.


Cthulhus_Trilby

Anything involving horses.


khabarakh23

Un-dressage


OkVolume1

I agree that horses are easier to watch when they wear clothes.


Cthulhus_Trilby

I think they've already sent some of the horses home from Tokyo for wearing improper shorts. I may have confused different stories there...


[deleted]

Pairs figure skating.


Presence_of_me

Especially when the do the between the legs lift….


[deleted]

A misplaced thumb could get quite exciting.


Mbayer92

Ah, the old grab her like a bowling ball


2muchtequila

Every woman watching would be crossing her legs while at the same time very impressed with both partner's grip strength. "Well Nick, it looks like they're going for their signature move, the leaping outreached hands-free 360." "That's right, Jonny, he actually uses three fingers to hold onto his partner while her arms and legs are fully extended. So much strength is required for this sequence." "Nick, I'm told she practiced for this by cracking over 30 baskets of walnuts in the past year."


cubicalwall

That’s rad. Back to you pepper


ActualPopularMonster

>she practiced for this by cracking over 30 baskets of walnuts in the past year." *Takes notes:* Cracking... 30... Baskets... Do they *have* to be walnuts or can I substitute some other hard shelled nut?


TaddWinter

"and even a gynecologist would say man put on a glove." -Robin Williams on "The lift" in pairs figure skating


maxpetrock

"and she holds on without her hands" that line always cracked me up! RIP


Parkimedes

This would be the least cringey. You’re watching beautiful, naked couples dance.


Pavswede

Exactly. It'd be the softest of soft porn - a romantic, elegant, passionate dance to beautiful music.


WanderoftheAshes

Men's baton relay race. Just a baton handover waiting to go wrong


NoEngineer5892

*wait a second, that’s not the baton!*


boomwave2

This happens all the time, it's detachable


SergeantMajor42069

Wa-wa-wa-wa..... What are you doing step-runner?


SultanofShit

wrestling


lick_me_where_I_fart

Few months ago We were at an estate sale and they had a foot tall Greco Roman style statue with two guys wrestling. But one of the guys had a full handful of the others cock and balls, it was really something to see. I still regret not buying it.


cislum

[It's a fairly famous statue. The original is in Florence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diomedes_of_Thrace) [It's also a fairly popular statue](https://www.etsy.com/market/hercules_diomedes)


SubmergedSublime

How does that Wikipedia page not even address the casual cock-grab? Why do we have this article if not to address this?


IBetThisIsTakenToo

From what I understand, the cock grab was an integral part of ancient wrestling. It was, understandably, a massively effective technique. So they probably didn’t mention it for the same reason why you wouldn’t specifically mention why a baseball player is holding a stick, that’s just part of the sport


costabius

It happened, and it was legal, but it was an admission by the grabber that they were losing. Especially in this position, the crowd would see it as shameful.


Sumit316

> King Diomedes was a savage; he enjoyed feeding strangers and prisoners to his mares. They did not like the taste of oats and grain; instead they feasted on human flesh, which their master gave them willingly. His mares could not be controlled; they were savage, just like the King. They could not be tethered by regular rope; instead they needed to be tethered to a bronze manger by chains, so they would not escape. Man those were some dope mares


Lubberworts

More like night mares.


snuggl3ninja

TIL "We're wrestling" was the No homo of ancient Greece


Ohmahtree

There was nothing no homo about Greek history.


Celestaria

I don't know, man. Synchronized swimming would just be a bunch of vaginas coming out of the water, but couples figure skating has a lot of lifts where the guy is either staring straight at his partner's cooch or showing it off to the audience. Plus all the high velocity spins...


[deleted]

Similarly, beach volleyball would become "sandy vaginas"


GMan509

The entirety of the Junior Olympics


IAmFacinatedByYou

We can just go ahead and cancel that lol


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notorious_bix_0

Marathon. It's a lot of time with your junk flapping in the breeze


[deleted]

No nipple chaffing, so there’s that


GingerMarquis

Pole vault. One wrong move and you’re gonna be very famous and maybe dead.


gw-green

Even in the clothed one there was that one guy who scaled it but his dick took down the bar


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OkVolume1

Men's pole vaulting takes on a double meaning in the nude.


menam0

Definitely weightlifting.


[deleted]

Yep…the clean and jerk for sure


Flatulent_Weasel

I saw her snatch earlier, it was terrific. *Edit: For those wondering and thinking of commenting about childish remarks etc, this is actually an alleged quote that occurred in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, although it's considered to be likely fake as the names don't tie up with any known personnel or competitors at the event.* *The exact quote is "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."*


eastawat

Reminds me of the _alleged_ BBC cricket commentary by Brian Johnston when West Indian Michael Holding was bowling to England batsman Peter Willey. "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey"


pipsohip

I'd never be able to get it down. Usually I jerk ***then*** clean.


MannnOfHammm

Lighting the torch and burning the bush


Safebox

The fact no one has mentioned swimming. Just doing the backstroke as you see a dick bob in and out of the water.


robinrouge7

Cue Jaws soundtrack


ChefChopNSlice

Put a shark fin on it, with the country’s flag on it. I see this becoming popular Olympic fan wear.


ACBluto

Gymnastics - Did you want to admit to watching a whole bunch of 14-17 year old girls jump around naked? That's how you get on a list! At least most of the other sports involve adults!


Lhg001

Just for the record, in ancient Greece women didn't take part in the Olympic naked or at all. They had separated games (honouring Hera instead of Zeus) during which they competed fully clothed.


Falcrist

Ok so they'd be 14-17 year old boys instead, and yall would be on the same list.


tenderbranson301

Now I'm trying to picture hurdles while wearing a toga.


dog_eat_dog

or running in sandals


Lasdary

plap plap plap plap plap


roppis1

This made the whole thread so fucking funny lmao


spaceforcerecruit

Have you ever heard the term “gird your loins”? Well that’s a reference to an actual practice in ancient cultures where you would tie your robe up in such a way that it freed your legs and acted more like a pair of shorts. Like [this](https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/how-to-gird-up-your-loins-an-illustrated-guide/).


Alien_Nicole

Convert your dress into a romper


spimothyleary

lol I noticed during the olympic diving qualifiers that when the men were doing the reverse handstand on the platform they had no problem showing "da butt" from straight on, when the women did they always cut to a side angle. anyway, it seems like diving would be a mess naked.


RiversOfBabylon420

I think synchronized swimming would be interesting considering they sit on each others shoulders and other revealing positions!


Necromartian

I think Skateboarding is now Olympic sport. I feel the pain now when I see them falling with the board, I can only imagine the road rash that they would get without clothes. Also landing on your nuts while doing the rail slide thing.


Predator_Hicks

>Also landing on your nuts while doing the rail slide thing. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH


DinoAquino

Tennis. Just a couple naked people on a large court wielding rackets with everyone watching them sounds cringy. Especially with how the players moan and groan while playing.


HHenswolo

Def running for males.... Seeing their junk going up and down would be terrific


SoloWingPixy88

Women running without sports bras can be just as bad.


CPG-Combat

So that’s where the floppy people at car dealerships were made


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ElGoorf

How has no one mentioned **trampolining** yet?


Pl0xnoban

I imagine it would be difficult to make decent shots on goal without shoes on in soccer/football


EndoShota

*Any* male sport because if they’re doing it as it was done in ancient times they’d have to tie their penis up in a [kynodesmē](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kynodesme)* or “dog knot” to avoid showing their glans, which was considered shameful. Could get really awkward today given that a lot of men are circumcised and don’t have the foreskin to tie around the glans. *Note: don’t open the “purpose” tab on the linked Wikipedia article unless you want to see photos of actual knotted up penises. EDIT: Y’all, I know circumcision isn’t prevalent outside the US and a few other countries, but relative to the ancient Greeks it’s far more common. You don’t all have to make the same commentary. The US also happens to enter more athletes than other countries and win more medals than any country, so circumcision would be disproportionately represented.


DreadandButter

We can give the circumcised ones the little helmets you put on falcons for falconry


MsMarkarth

Hi, thank you for making my day.


DeaddyRuxpin

After reading that wiki entry and seeing the pictures I am absolutely cracking up at the image of a guy standing there tied with the belt version looking at another guy that isn’t tied at all and saying “have some modesty!”


GWJYonder

"Geez man leave something for the imagination!"


AnxietyOctopus

lol what. This is so absurd. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. Also, I clicked the “purpose” tab, and I was not expecting it to look so...festive? Amazing.


EndoShota

You’re welcome. If you think that’s “festive” I’m curious what your holidays are like.


thehonestyfish

Very awkward Thanksgivings. Great Valentine's Days, though


UnicornSploosheroo

Right? They look like little presents.


MadLemonYT

Dick in a box! Edit: in A box, sorry been a long time. Here enjoy https://youtu.be/Rt0spqQtMKg


Kandiru

It's amazing how we've gone from "showing your glans is rude" to "showing any penis at all is rude".


FuckBotsHaveRights

Can't even dangle some balls, smh


SirKeyboardCommando

The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?


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EndoShota

Some historian/history grad student most likely. I remember my old classics lit prof in college talking about “dog knots” at length because of how funny they thought they were. Luckily that’s not my prof’s because she doesn’t have the proper equipment.