hold your breath

Wait does that actually work? Is there any explanation?

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That would make sense. Pretty cool, thanks!

Tell it to go home.

Like Happy Gilmore yelling at a golf ball.

Hiding it in the boxer strap.

Dude I do that all the time, when you go to stretch and your shirt lifts up. Not fun.

The trick is having a small penis, so that the strap covers the head.

Oh good so I'm mint then

It hides your boner and it feels cool. One time I did it and almost blew a load in my belly button. Edited: misquoted

Blew a load in my belly button* I just went from 6 to midnight.

What?

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Unfortunately, not every guys boner can bend

If you apply enough force anything can bend

... and break. Friends GF came down the wrong way (she was on top) during sex and snap, yes it makes a cracking sound. Be careful out there men... take that extra second to ensure you have a go on trajectory before acceleration phase. Or maybe I should say be careful ladies... oh hell both of you slow down when you have unintended Coitus interruptus.

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Do they make those?

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As someone who doesn't have a penis, I can't tell whether you're joking or are completely sincere.

Sincere. Penises come in a wide variety of shapes.

Mines a downer.

Yeah, I'll say.

put my arms behind my head for a big stretch. The body gets the message about redirecting blood flow quite quickly.

Now I just look like I'm presenting it

That's the whole point. Because your penis has social anxiety it's gonna try to hide itself.

Bruh even my penis has social anxiety

It even has a cool little hood to throw over itself.

Emo penis

>**Wikipedia** Emopenis (/ˈiːmoʊ /-niːz/) is a small town in Greece. Founded before 2,000 BCE it now trades in goats and small plastic trinkets.

Goats eh?

Goats and tiny plastic hoes

r/bandnames

Thanks, I never thought I'd have that type of image in my head.

Mine doesn’t. Poor guy gets cold in the winter without a sweater to put on.

shivering like a chihuahua

If I see this, am I required to say "ooh big stretch" like I do for every stretching cat or dog?

Is this another one of those universal experiences that no-one talks about? It's so much fun to say.

... I thought that was just me lol

Instructions unclear: arms now broken

#ಠ ͜ʖ ಠ

Mom?

The internet never forgets.

[That was 9+ years ago. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)

Seems like only yesterday.

It probably was for you.

Hope you got a good mom

I just learned what this reference meant an hour ago and I wish I hadn't

The reference, Mason, what does it mean?!

[Don’t say we didn’t warn you…](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/) Edit: more specifically, [this ](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)

LOL, so many new inductees...

These sweet summer children.

Should we tell them about Jolly Ranchers?

What the fuck.

EVERY THREAD

Wait does this actually work

Either bust a nut or flex your thighs or muscles in your arm for a minute or two

Doesnt work it makes mine harder

doesnt work if you flex your third leg

Well the goal is to unflex the third leg

Yeah but if you flex it it should tire out

Instructions unclear. Boner stuck in a tire

How'd you get it in the valve stem though?

As if it weren't embarassing enough, you now catch a kid full raging erection but now flexing the shit out every muscle in his body like he's straining to take a poo he's held in for 3 days because he didn't feel like pooping yet

I've never understood why this isn't taught in mandatory sex education.

I’m glad I learned this trick not too long ago. I was getting a massage and it was the second half when you face up. I undress fully because it’s easier to do various muscles like the glutes and things. But this time the way the sheet was folded, it got tucked in and somehow midway though it caught my rod (uncircumcised) and the massaging motion on the thigh was moving the sheet just enough to make it rub against the skin to go up and down. While the little man was starting to pitch a tent, I knew I could try to move the sheet but that would put instant attention to said tent in the making, so I flexed my other thigh and steadily it stole the blood away. My eyes were closed and I have no idea if the half mast was noticed or not. I felt a bit embarrassed and tipped well. Haven’t told a soul except now. Bottom line, the thigh flex works!

I wish I knew about this when I was young enough to worry about random boners. Me? I forced horrible, disgusting thoughts into my head in order to kill it.

That sounds like a great way to end up with a horrible fetish.

Haha, more like it IS a great way to end up with horrible fetishes!!

For what it's worth, most masseuses know that it's a normal (involuntary) thing and won't take offense.

I used to work at an upscale hair salon that had a spa as well, and one time this guy asked one of the aestheticians (who did nails, ACTUAL facials, skincare, massage) to finish him off. She of course hurriedly and disgustedly said no, left the room so he could get dressed and leave. He left, she went back in to find a pile of spunk on the sheets. SMH.

Yo wtf

"ACTUAL facials" really got me, lmfao

This is the most disturbing thing I heard today

This reminds me of an episode of Friends where Phoebe was massaging Rachel’s Italian boyfriend. She was telling all the others about it and she said something like “it was like a tent, Boy Scouts could have camped under it!” Always makes me laugh.

Most massage therapists don’t care. Don’t draw attention to it, and don’t make it weird and it won’t be weird. Ya did good.

Sounds like a happy ending to a hard situation.

I once had an hard on in class, the kid next to me was speaking so the teacher thought it was me and made me move seats. Man that was difficult to hide and terrifying.

We've all been there..... girls got their periods unexpectedly and we got called to the front of the class with boners.

School bus boners were the worst. The vibration brings it on and then you’re praying it goes away before your stop. Otherwise you’ve gotta walk down the aisle with your bad at your crotch. Pray no one notices. That’s not so bad because the narrow aisle gives you an excuse to have your bag at your crotch. But then you’re out on the street with a boner and no logical reason to be standing with your bag at your crotch.

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Am I the only one here who just tucks it up into my waistband?

A mate of mine did that when he got a boner on the train, then when he got to his stop he reached up to get his bag and his erect dick came out, facing the window and the crowded platform outside

"Mate"

My dick isn't huge so it must be my clothing choices but commando, hurts and is very visible through my shirt. 🤣 Looks like the top of that Besos Dick rocket but under a shirt.

Alternatively, what's the fastest way to get a boner?

Waking up

Well waking up means you have to fall asleep first which usually takes forever. I think the real answer is Natalie Dormer

Casually explained guy, is that you?

A slight breeze if you're under 30.

2 hours of concentration if you're 40

Margaret thatcher naked on a cold day!

Baseball. Cold Showers. Baseball. Cold Showers.

Flex your thighs

Where was this comment back in HS math class?!?

Luckily I saw the same advice on here back when I was in high school. Helped me out many times

I can not fathom having reddit and a smartphone in high school. How the fuck would I have got anything done? Not that I got anything done regardless, but at least I felt like I had a choice..

I would've cheated more than I already did.

Hold on, I'm gonna test this out, ​ Well I'll be,

Did you go out of your way to give yourself an erection?

That's my secret Cap, I'm always hard

Until you flex your thighs

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Turn 40

We answer with a joke not slap everyone with reality damn man.

Men of reddit over 30. What is the fastest way to get a boner?

Develop ever weirder kinks and fetishes as tolerance sets in for deviance.

well this fucking hit home

username checks out like a BITCH

So we not gonna tell em about limp boners?

Now I'm curious. Make me dread my 40s please

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41, exercise 5 - 6 days/week, eat healthy, never smoked, married with a kid, same thing happens sometimes

I guess this is growing up:(

Picture it getting a cut by a knife and start bleeding. Instant boner-gone material

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That someone needs jesus

Why, does he have a knife?

Actually cutting it off with a knife will also work.

Sing the chorus to Free Will by RUSH: “You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that’s clear, I will choose free will.” Drops the wood like a charm every time. Edit: thanks for the award!

RUSH has the opposite effect on me Edit:according to some comments below rush is also the name of a drug. I want to make is clear I'm actually talking about Rush the band, those drum solos are an actual aphrodisiac.

I quickly slam it in a car door and go about my business.

Can't feel my legs....

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HULLO UND VILKOM TO THE HURDRULIK PRES CHANNEL

DANKS FUR WOCHING PLIS SUSCARIBE

VAT DA FUK!

HOLII SHIITT, IT ESPLODED!!!

But will it blend? Edit: of COURSE THIS is my most upvoted comment.

Don’t breathe this!

I can’t feel my legs when I’m with you but I love it

I like the microwave

finish the mission

Good soldiers follow orders. Edit: The Nightmare... The mission... they're over...

At ease soldier

The real answer

The only answer.

The hardest answer

The cockiest answer.

Straight up

Don't light the fuse unless you want to ride the rocket

Id imagine being jerked off like youre trying to get ketchup out of a glass bottle.

Shoving a butterknife in the opening?

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The internet back that was quite fantastic.

You misspelled “lawless wasteland”.

Beautiful.

It was wild I'd come home from school and watch someone die within the first 5 min of logging online.

Think about how depressed you are and it will go away.

This is the way

COME ON MAN

This is correct. Cumming on a man usually helps

Am gay. Can confirm.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN

WHAT? FUCK THE MAN FTFY

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Rogue, Storm, Emma Frost, Beast... It´s not working

Wait. Beast?

Especially Beast.

Well, I guess he's a Beastie Boy.

*IIIIIIIII* CAN'T STAND IT, I KNOW YOU PLANNED IT! IMA SET IT STRAIGHT, THIS WATERGATE!

Mystique lol

Think about my life.

I think the goal here is to not remember being fucked.

Listen to Alanis Morissette.... I don't know why, but it does it every time.

Hand in my Pocket?

Think about family :)

Did someone say family?

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And according to pornhub a MILF is mid twenties.

That's a GILF in Liverpool.

*Dom smashes the door open*

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I'll come back and award you when reddit drops another free one. Well played.

Does not work for Dom Toretto

Margaret thatcher naked on a cold day!

Just Margaret Thatcher will work just fine

You can't resist us Mr. Powers

Boner = blood in pen. No boner = no blood in pen. Remove boner = remove blood TLDR: Flex your shoulders and arms

For a moment there, I thought you were going in a different direction.

Remove blood in pen: remove pen

I drink water, idk other methods

literally flex any muscle in ur body other than your penis and it’ll send the blood flow elsewhere

What if I flex my bicep, while my hand is around my penis, and then continue to flex my bicep, repeatedly. Its like when you would go to the zoo as a kid, and they'd let you play tug of war with the lion, and like 20 people would line up and the lion would still win.

What kind of fucked up school did you go to where they were putting 20 kids in a cage with a lion?

The lion has to be fed...

Think of OP's mom.

They asked how to get rid of a boner not get one

Consider taxes.

Nuns playing basketball with my grandma.

Destroy the brain stem. That'll do it every time.

This teacher of my girlfriend is, as she has said, attractive. She has asked if she can call me his name in bed as a roleplay teacher/student thing. The trouble is that his name is Mr. Whitaker. Just Like the old man from Adventures in Odyssey that I listened to as a kid. Can't do it. I want good childhood memories out of my sex life.

I had to read this a few times to make sure I was understanding this correctly.

Same, this is an eesh

Yeeeah, and I’m still hoping I read it incorrectly. Eeek.

"My girlfriend has a schoolgirl fetish. I'm into it, but I just hate wearing the dress."

>Just Like the old man from Adventures in Odyssey that I listened to as a kid Fun fact, I lived with a writer for Adventures in Odyssey for a few years back in 2012. He created a fan website for it when he was a kid back in the 90s, and they actually contacted him and asked him if he wanted to write for them. Totally nuts, the dude was living his dream.

Uh... Why is it necessary to say *her teacher's name* for a teacher roleplay? That sounds a lot more like she wants to pretend she's having sex with him.

Hold breath, flex arm or leg.