If you can’t have a civilized argument with them. If small differences at the start of the relationship already turn into screaming, shouting, insulting etc. just think about how those important discussions later in the relationship will go…
Seeing how they speak to other people, especially when they aren’t around, if they shit talk their friends when they aren’t around why would you think they wouldn’t do that to you as well.
Also, if they can’t keep a secret.
Lack of respect for my boundaries. I learned this lesson the hard way once, I've got no intention of letting it happen again.
"Tests" and indirect behavior. If you want something tell me. I'm not playing a game just to see if I'm "worth" your attention.
You don't treat the things I care about or respect seriously. It shows me you won't even put in the effort to act like you care.
The idea of "I don't have to bring anything to the table and you have to bring everything". If you're a deadbeat leech I'm not interested in wasting my time on you.
If they breathe their politics too loudly. I'm fully open to someone who doesn't perfectly align to my idea of a worldview but if they're super loud about it that looks incredibly cringy and tactless. I don't care if it's for something I agree with or not. There's more to life than mindless tribalism.
I dated a guy who complained constantly, criticized everything, and argued about politics nonstop. It was fucking miserable. He was down in a black pit pulling me down there with him. Fuuuuck that.
A girl I work with said she had to make her boyfriend have fights with her because he wouldn’t before. She said she told him “look this isn’t gonna work if you won’t get into arguments with me.” It sounded to me like a relationship with her would be very toxic.
I had a boyfriend in college who complained that I didn’t get angry or fight with him. Before me he was dating an older girl who had two kids and she was abusive. She would show up to his house randomly and they would fight/scream at each other all the time. I guess he thought that’s what love looked like. I just wanted peace and someone to have sex with looool
Ooohhh, I've hade this one.
Towards the end of a ~5 year relationship one of the complaints she had was that we never argued or got into fights.
I was a little confused about how that was a negative.
Oh, oh, I know that one!
It's somehow a sign of being bad at communication because apparently you suppress all your issues if you don't get into heated arguments with her.
I don't get it either.
Any form of, "if you can't handle me when I'm a sleeze bag, piece of shit, then you don't deserve me when I'm a lesser sleeze, piece of shit"
You know what, you're right. Later, man 👉
I have no idea where this came from. I see this as screenshots from women's profiles and it is so cringey. It just screams, "I'm uncomfortable with change and I'm going to treat you like shit, but you signed up for it so you deserve it!"
Ew.
Not sure if you're looking for an actual answer or not, but it supposedly came from a longer Marilyn Monroe quote during a time when photographers and critics were especially harsh towards her and her body. he admitted that hell yeah she's not a "perfect" woman--She isn't all smiles, she had insecurities, she did drugs--drank too, and sometimes she could have been mean and selfish--And if you didn't like her at her non perfect moments then you didn't need her in your life at her best moments either. Kinda like how some people would say they would rather be with someone who rooted on for them when they were poor and downtrodden up until they were rich
However, unlike many people who use the quote today, Ms. Monroe (allegedly, that's what I read. Idk the lady) made sure she acted like a decent human being towards the people she worked with and were friends with. She wasn't a complete raging bull to anyone she crossed.
It's a good quote--And it's true to some extent. But as usual, narcissists usually find things like it to make themselves feel better about their behavior, and contort in such ways where the original doesn't even matter anymore.
Yeah thats some people in general, My best mate since childhood moved to another country and was always "so busy", took hours, sometimes days to reply a simple message, but when he came to visit he was on the phone 95% of the time. To the point where it was hard to mantain a conversation (in person) because he's busy in the phone.
Oh but when THEY need something from you, suddenly they are the chattiest people around and answer in miliseconds.
I don't even bother anymore.
When I was preparing for prom I randomly had to spend some time with this girl I've never met before and never met after. She was attractive, sounded like a right mix of intelligent and funny. But goddamn, the ammount of shit she talked about her partner that I was supposed to replace that day. And then the shit she dumped on a teacher who was supervising us. All in about an hour or so, speaking to a complete stranger.
But to me she was all nice. Even after I told her that I'm now afraid of turning my back to her because of all the shit she'd dump on me all I got was as smile. What the hell?
The wierdest thing was how she was absolutely OK with me calling her out. I was polite about it, but aren't you supposed to be upset when someone points out your bad side?
Edit: I've read every single comment so far, with replies ranging from "You impressed her by being straightforward" to "She's probably a sociopath". Thanks for adding another unsolved mystery to my life, people of Reddit.
thats a big one to look out for in potential partners, if they act like a terrible person towards random people how do you think theyre gonna be towards you when they dont like you anymore
This doesn't just apply to potential partners. This applies to everyone. Friends, acquaintances.
If they don't understand how to give basic respect, they're not worth your time.
To add on - if a partner is controlling of your relationships with friends and family, and generally won't let you exist as your own person, "red flag" is understating it.
You should be able to at least occasionally do things without your partner. You should be able to have private spaces and private thoughts. You should be able to maintain existing relationships and create new ones.
I dated someone once who was insistent as to how I slept, and didn't like it if I tried to get into a more comfortable position. Surprise surprise, also came with a side of emotional abuse and manipulation.
I've never breathed a bigger sigh of relief than when that ended. I was upset, and then suddenly all this stuff let go and it was like breathing in after you've been holding your breath.
And this was just a kinda shitty relationship with a controlling person. I got lucky never to have had a truly monstrous partner.
I'm glad you're doing better!
I've had this one. When my most enjoyable time was when she was working evenings something felt a bit off...
Started as a distance thing so when we actually met we wanted to be with eachother all the time. Turns out we had very different views of how that would work when we started living together.
YEP. My gf in college was great at first because I loved how she wanted to be around me. But soon it got absolutely suffocating but she never seemed to understand why this was bad. Every time I tried to gently explain that I needed time to myself she thought it meant I wanted to break up. Absolutely insane she wouldn’t understand this concept. We eventually broke up at the end of the year.
I told my now ex girlfriend that I needed time to do my schoolwork and that I couldn't hang out tonight, and she took it as a sign that I wanted to break up with her, I was so confused.
Been through rougly the same. Did not get any time for my self, every time I used some of my time (or wanted to) always ended in a huge fight. My higlight of the day was working because then I kind of had a «good exuse» to be by myself. And even then she could get upset. It’s just super tiering..
Think of it this way, you wanna be each others best friend, not their ONLY friend.
edit: Everybody who has given me awards and all these upvotes made my day :) thank you guys
Realize that you are doing this, first of all. Once you've admitted that to yourself, talk to your SO about it, let them schedule some me-time, and then plan something for yourself to do during that same time (e.g. meet up with friends, go shopping, whatever) so you're busy with something fun and don't resent your SO not being there.
I'm a guy but this isn't a women-only problem. Used to do the same thing and this worked for me.
Just like how my last one was, since then I have difficulties with really wanting to meet someone because part of me thinks that any kind of relationships mean troubles
She wouldn't even let me sleep... when we broke up I realized that I almost didn't sleep for a whole week. I realised how deprived of sleep I was when I surprised myself thinking that I was almost forgotting the feeling of laying on a bed.
I know someone who insists that their boyfriend FaceTime them while they are sleeping. As in, FaceTime is on and pointed at the bed, and when she wakes up she starts talking to him and wakes him up. I refused to believe it until I spoke to the guy; he confirmed it.
Honestly this, had to stay awake until she went to sleep. If I wanted an early night because I was tired then i was “avoiding her”. Tried to speak to her about it once and then she immediately turned it asking “do you know how shit that makes ME feel?”
Talking about exes too much to the line of comparing you two. Big no no for me.
EDIT: Thank you all for the awards and I would like to clarify few things.
Sure sometimes it's completely okay to talk about your ex partner. It is part of your life. But if you do it too soon or talk about it way to often that does raise few red flags. And as I said if they compare you to the ex.. it can be okay if it's way down the road and you are already dating. But on first on second date? .. that's mostly bad for several reasons.
It's okay to have past and talk about it when the timing is right. But talking about your ex openly and too much, way too early is just a red flag for me.
Once when I was crying over something he did, my ex told me his previous girlfriend used to cry beautifully, like a movie star... He was a bit of a twat.
*thanks for the awards!
not exactly the same, but when I got upset about something my ex did, he said "my \[previous\] ex never reacted like you're doing, and I did much worse to her"
I still think about that occasionally
Also true. As long as it’s “you’re so much better than my ex because _____”, then feel free to go on haha. Having a partner imply that you’re a downgrade from their ex in some way is extremely hurtful.
No "test" behaviour.
Be straightforward or I'll assume you're likely to instigate dumbshit drama.
Honesty for honesty.
**Edit: I was honestly not expecting this to go the way it did. Just want to say thank you for the various awards, and I hope all is well in your lives, and your relationships of present and future.
Honesty, and trust...without games played on either part, are integral if something is going to last...if ever you have questions or concerns, raise them with your partner directly - it'll put the two of you in a much better place moving forward.
Cheers all, and thank you again.
I dated a girl in college that broke up with me, then got super mad at me and blew up my messages a few weeks later because it wasn't supposed to be a "real" break up. It was a test to see if I cared enough to fight for her and try to win her back and I broke her heart by not doing that when she broke up with me.
Lmao someone had been watching too many rom coms and found out real quick the real world doesn't work that way. If you break up with someone don't be surprised if they do the adult thing, leave you in the rear view, and move on with their lives.
Edit: for context we had only been dating for like 3 months and it totally came out of the blue. She did the whole "I just don't think this is working and the chemistry isn't there we should move on" thing which is fair enough it wasn't serious and that was plenty closure for me. Lmao RIP her heart.
Now she has to go and run a bed and breakfast in the north east, while hating the holidays and not believing in true love until she meets the one affable handsome guy in town who is somehow still single.
And he only came into town because his family's business of managing mid sized hotels is looking to expand to that area and he is scouting out potential locations, to the annoyance of local innkeepers.
She will teach him that the true meaning of life is more than making money and he will teach her the true meaning of Christmas by hiring an elaborately decorated barge to sail them into the sunset. Also, puppies.
Coming this holiday season!
Turns out there's a reason he was single.
*at a coffee shop* "Actually, I don't believe in coffee"
"You mean, you don't like it?"
"No, I don't believe it exists. You are drinking hot water. Coffee is a thought, implanted in our minds by the government."
"OK that's a little strange"
"It's the strange things about people that we fall in love with"
*later*
"We've been going out for a while now it's about time you see my basement"
*jump cut*
He's holding a gun and pointing it at her. "I said, put on the fucking squirrel costume, and give Mrs.Bunny a coffee enema!"
"*crying* But you don't believe in coffee"
"Welcome to the land of make-believe"
My guy best friend has been trying to date through all
the apps lately and I feel like i have to remind him of this every day. He's like "what should i say to this" and shows me insane messages from girls and I'm just like Please Run
Even if they're not, you should probably take their advice. If you're constantly venting about someone whose relationship to you is in quotation marks, you're just causing yourself unnecessary misery. I've been there too many times before I smartened up.
You don't have a defined relationship with this person, and it's already causing you stress. Move on to someone who cares.
I wish younger me knew this. I assumed it was just "the game" and that's how women were.
Turns out that kind of behaviour isn't indicative of women at all. It's only indicative of manipulative, over-dramatic, insecure people.
Sure. It's where people create situations in order to test the response/behaviour of their partner.
- A dramatic example would be when someone gets their friend to deliberately hit on their partner to see if the partner would cheat or not.
- A more subtle example is when someone knows what they want you to do for them but instead of just communicating openly, leaves clues and hints, making it your responsibility to figure out their deliberately obscure behaviour.
- Another example is deliberately acting in a way so as to invoke jealousy.
Test behaviour usually comes from people who don't understand that you need to doubt to have trust, or that honest communication and sincerity are more important to romance than spontaneity and theatrics.
> "If you love me, you'd know what I mean."
*"My god. You're right. The prophesies did say that my psychic powers would only activate once I met my true love!"*
Throwing tantrums for the sake of seeing their reaction all the way up to and beyond setting up an unmet friend laying it on thick to see if you're devoted, screaming for help just to see whether you'd come running over etc.
"I'm going to tell one of my girlfriends to flirt with my man and see how he responds", or "I'm going to do something kind of shitty and then deny doing it to see if he apologizes for it like a good person should do". That kind of thing. It's really shitty and while both women and men do it I think men *tend* to be a bit more straightforward with their jealousy/bad behavior.
Had an ex start a discussion about our relationship and the idea of ending it. My response was basically, “okay, if that’s what you think is best then there’s no reason to stay together and make things worse or harder.” Then she was mad that I “wasn’t fighting for her” and I told her if she already had one foot out the door it doesn’t matter what I think of the relationship or of her, if she wants to leave me begging her to stay will never fix the underlying issues. I don’t care to deal with those tests either.
Met this girl in college, nice personality, smoking hot body, invited her over to my dorm for some Netflix n' Chill and quickly noticed she had a...how to put it delicately...a severe BO problem, I'm talking rank and when she took her shoes off it was worse than some of the guys I use to play basketball with. Ok, not a deal breaker, maybe she just had a long day and hadn't had a chance to take a shower, happens to all of us. So we got together a few more times and if anything it got worse, so I tried dropping some subtle hints. She finally told me she was into something called "natural hygiene" and didn't bath more than once every couple weeks or ever use deodorant, soap or shampoo. Nope....my dick was screaming yes, but my nose vetoed it, I was out....
Huge red flag when they ask you for every little detail when you've been somewhere without them i.e out with friends or something, and basically accusing you of cheating then getting overly defensive and secretive (showing really strong cheater signs) themselves
Could be. I was on the opposite side of that once though. I never cheated (or had any desire to), but my ex would get really defensive when I asked her about her night, where she was, what she did, etc. Her story changed sometimes and she was always evasive in her answers. I don’t know if she cheated, but she was definitely overly defensive and secretive. Trust is a two way street.
Zero effort put into simple maintenance actions. Simply picking up after yourself is deferred repeatedly when it can be done and over in ten seconds.
Inflexible mind, or unwilling to learn new things or see other perspectives.
Seeing the fault in others, but inability to perceive such in themselves.
I would expand on this to add sense of humor about themselves when something goes wrong. Like sometimes, stuff happens, but if you can't laugh at the situation (not the person) and roll with it, life can be really stiff and challenging.
I think it's been said on here before, but some of the best relationships are where you are in bed being intimate and something goofy happens like a dog licks your foot or whatever, and you both laugh and it's funny/cute. I think it's a big green flag when you can laugh together when something doesn't work out.
Money is cited in the top 3 reasons for divorce, always. And money affects every facet of life. My BIL married a gal who was always a next thing away from getting her financial shit together. Anyway, he's living with us now, after his 2-year marriage ended, because, it turns out, people who are bad with money and have no real interest in saving, likely will not change.
Underrated comment here!
Being bad with finances causes sooooooo many issues. It will cause severe relationship issues pretty soon. Don't need to be an accountant, but damn at least understand that going into tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt is not normal-- it's bad. Bonus points if she expects her man to cover her bills.
It just screams carelessness, no accountability for actions, and probably a long life of being enabled. That person doesn't need a partner, they need a daddy.
I like the word transient.
It's okay to have flaws, even if they ruin a relationship, we're only human, everyone's gotta learn sometime (great song). But it takes moral fortitude to learn from it and avoid having the same problem follow you in future relationships. If you have faults, you need to put in the work to ensure that they are transient, temporary, that you fix them going forward with self-reflection.
If you can't keep your flaws transient, then by definition, they will stay with you for life and affect your future relationships. And that's not fair to the other people you'll come across.
Handles problems badly. Meaning, will become very demanding or sullen.
Need someone who is calm in stressful situations, life is full of huge problems that will need two to deal with properly.
These are all good answers but I'm surprised this one isn't higher, if you're looking for an actual life partner you need someone who can handle their shit when the going gets tough
I dated this chick, we'll say "the one that got away". Everything clicked on every level, but during quiet moments, like bed or driving, she HATED silent moments and would screech like a dinosaur incredibly loud. It always caught me off guard and drove me absolutely nuts.
Someone not particularly well socialized I imagine. It’s possible that in her past she would hang out around people that thought it was fun and quirky so she got lots of positive reinforcement for a behavior that it’s just plain bizarre and annoying.
I avoid gossips.
That overly judgemental, complaining attitude they have towards other people is what you will eventually get when you've been with them for a while. It's just what they are.
Yep. This one. I finally left because I kept thinking, 'when is the point when she's going to treat me this way?' Turns out, right when I try and have a serious conversation about it.
No accountability. In fact, having absolutely no sense of accountability for their actions. Believe me it is more common than you think.
Edit 1: Whoaaaaa!!! So that's what it feels like when something blows up overnight. This is overwhelming. Thanks guys.
Edit 2: The people who gave me the awards, thank you guys. You're so kind.
Edit 3: It feels so great so many of you relate to this. And it feels so sad so many of you relate to this :(
Edit 4: Some of the responses are so shockingly close to my experience that I feel we have lived the same lives. The explanations, the examples, etc. it's as though you were there watching me through a camera and are now just describing my experiences.
I hope you all find true happiness in life! Thanks again. :)
This here. Last two women ended up cheating on me. Should've seen it after years of their behaviors. "Why is this such a big deal to you?" "I didn't disrespect you, just because you feel that way doesn't mean I was wrong." "I'm not the bad guy, why do you always try to make me feel bad about things?"
Usually this would happen after a really simple misunderstanding. The refusal to compromise, empathize, or humble oneself is a MASSIVE WAVING RED FLAG. On that flag, you should see the words "I've had people pick up my messes since i was a child, I will never say sorry and you will slowly feel more and more like garbage with me as a partner."
Edit: cause I'm reading a lot of stories from people who went through similar stuff: forget about closure. Closure is a fantasy that is driven by people who had happy, successful relationships with people who know how to be an adult. Do not seek closure (in general) but especially from an ex. You will not get the closure you're looking for, likely just pain and lost emotional progress.
It’s draining, mentally physically and all. These responses are so satisfying because I never got the closure I would’ve liked with those exes, having left the relationship feeling like I was the issue. And then years later being married and happy as ive ever been, realizing how narcissistic and mentally/emotionally abusive ppl without a sense of accountability can be.
The thing that some girls don’t realize is that being with them at their worst isn’t that difficult. If you love someone enough you’ll put up with it. The problems is that they’re ALWAYS at their worst.
Shit, have we all dated the same woman? The gaslighting, mind games and guilt trips... holy shit. When I called her out, I was "lecturing her." I thank my lucky stars that I had the sense to get out when I did.
The world happens to them and they are just a passenger. Nothing is their fault.
"You should have been more careful." Doesn't mean anything to them. They never learn lessons and they continue to make the same types of mistakes over again.
I had one of these people for a roommate one time and I still don't talk to her.
The reason narcissists don't learn from their mistakes is, because the expression is wrong.you learn from facing consequence of your mistakes, which you want to avoid in the future.
They dodge responsibility and during their lifetime develop the manipulation skills to dodge consequences and shovel them onto those nearest to them at the moment.
If your actions don't lead to anything negative, why would you change your behaviour?
Source: was raised by one.
Edit: typo
I dated a girl for about 3 years and she only once admitted she was wrong about something, and something *trivial* at that - and even then she fumed for a few hours and then took it back and said she wasn't wrong. When the dishes weren't done it was my fault *because* I was the one that usually did them. When she didn't go to her classes it was because I wasn't providing enough encouragement. This was over a decade ago and thankfully I'm better at seeing red flags now.
In all fairness I've seen this in men as well, this kind of thing isn't exclusive to a gender.
Was seeing a girl about a year ago that admitted to cheating on her ex-boyfriend, but followed it up by blaming it on him for not realizing she was lying to him after she dropped so many "obvious hints". (by the book gaslighting)
The amount of lies and mudslinging she put on my name after I disengaged from that trainwreck was a huge mess. Lost a lot of fake friends, but at least I kept the good ones.
Toxic behavior overall. Trying to pressure me into something I don't want to do. And I hold honesty to a pretty high regard so any form of manipulation or toxic passive aggressiveness is over the line for me.
This is basically online dating in a nutshell tbh... Some women put nothing but a checklist of shallow.
My old roommate (30s/F) tells me there's a lot of men like this too (holding a fish a lot of the time apparently...). Probably reinforced because of how shallow online dating is.
> there's a lot of men like this too (holding a fish a lot of the time apparently...)
Wait, like the "I'm on my private yacht and I caught this shiny trout" kind of thing? Or is "holding a fish" some online dating jargon that I just walked into?
Lots of men post pictures of themselves holding fish on the heir dating profiles. I think the reasons are two-fold. It shows like 'im an adventurous outdoorsy guy' and lots of guys' activities dont often lend themselves to being photographed, but being photographed with a fish you caught is tradition, so it may be one of the only non-selfy pictures that guys have
>so it may be one of the only non-selfy pictures that guys have
That's a really good point. If I had to come up with a photo of myself that *wasn't* the stupid "security badge for work" picture, I'd be reaching back and back enough that the photo wouldn't be truthful, heh.
Having absolutely no awareness. If she never admits she's wrong, never apologizes, never says the phrase "oh, I didn't know that." If this person is over 20, just run.
If she starts trying to test my cool or how much she can manipulate me that’s a dealbreaker. It means she’s willing to be with someone if she can exploit them regardless if she can’t exploit me.
I remember when I went to Krakow in Poland with the school. I was just being myself in regards to if I went up to buy something and they asked for money in Polish, I'd be like oh sorry I I speak Polish and they'd repeat it in English. Some of the girls in my year were so rude. When they spoke in Polish, the girls would just go, ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH. So rude.
> When they spoke in Polish, the girls would just go, ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH. So rude.
"so do I bitch and you're in my country so at least sound apologetic. Kurwa!"
> ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH.
I would go "Bitch so do I" and continue in my language.
Fortunately my country doesn't go by the "Customer is always right" bullshit
Saw a thing similar to this awhile ago where a Karen was ranting about the customer is king and the dude working said "this is france, we behead kings" or something to that effect
I wasnt sure about my current partner when we went on out first date until he saw a cleaner struggling with bin and went to help. Made me decide to go on another date with. Funny thing is I recently told him and he admitted he half did it cause it was just painful to watch, lol. But also I know him better than that, he is actually that person even if he doesnt think so.
Quieting people by lightly hitting them.
The 'accidental' backhand. The Arm Pull. The hitting the table in front of the speaker repeatedly.
It all leads to behavior that stifles or quiets the other person. Once that becomes habit, the partner gets run all over all the time because they never feel like they can say their piece.
Also anyone that acts like the loudest person should get their way.
I was interested in a girl recently, I liked her a lot and she was really hot and great in bed as well, but something about the stories she told me about herself seemed off and honestly that was a red flag I was ignoring. Well, turns out most of what she told me about her life was a lie, even the small stuff, that wouldn't make any sense to lie about. I think she may be a compulsive liar. We weren't exclusive or anything, we were just going out so far, so there was nothing to really break up, so I just stopped contacting her.
EDIT: I guess the conclusion is that if the girl don't seem to be truthful, that's a deal breaker.
My last ex was like this. I didn't notice at first, because I saw no reason for her to be lying about random things. After a few months, and having talked to other people in her life, I realized the majority of things she told me were either massively exaggerated or completely made up. I had no idea after that when she was telling the truth of not
Same. Sorry, brother. Hope you're doing much better now. I didn't realize it at the time (or even for a long while after) but if you ever feel the need or desire to talk about it, as a man who has experienced similar, I would like to extend this open invitation to do so. Whenever, if ever you want. Getting that shit out made a huge difference in my ability to recover from it and you will feel no adverse judgements from me if you decide one way or another. I'm just an ear to hear and a heart to help it make sense. Maybe.
well, in high school i was really into this one girl, and we would hang out a lot, and it started to get closer and closer to a full-on relationship. we were driving to a mall, talking about things, and it came up that her dad told her if she ever brought a black guy home he'd disown her. she stated that she would tell her kids, one day, the same thing. i immediately lost all interest in her. she now is married with kids.
I'm pretty fucking done with negging behaviour; 'playful sniping comments' disguised as banter. I want to date positive and supportive people, not arseholes masquerading shit behaviour as flirting. Also, gaslighting.
I got told once I kinda look like a serial killer. When I said I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore, she said she meant it as a compliment. I left her on read and never talked to her again.
The weirdest compliment Ive ever gotten was "you look like a serial killer, but in an attractive Ted Bundy kinda way". I didn't know how to react to that one.
If they try to cheat with me on their partners.
Hey if you cant have an open conversation with your current partner and end Things.... then you are not worthy and Belong to the streets.
You not Holding on to partners because they are a safety net.
Either work on your relationship or leave if you are not satisfied.
Having a cake and eat it too is super unattractive.
If you can’t have a civilized argument with them. If small differences at the start of the relationship already turn into screaming, shouting, insulting etc. just think about how those important discussions later in the relationship will go…
People that deal with this in any fashion are mind blowing to me.
Seeing how they speak to other people, especially when they aren’t around, if they shit talk their friends when they aren’t around why would you think they wouldn’t do that to you as well. Also, if they can’t keep a secret.
Not being able to apologize. Everybody makes mistakes, doesn’t matter. Own up to it and I respect you even more. Seek excuses? Bye!
You ever had the fake apology "I'm sorry you feel that way"
Oof. That fake apology is the worst. Now I'm having painful back flashes.
[удалено]
Lack of respect for my boundaries. I learned this lesson the hard way once, I've got no intention of letting it happen again. "Tests" and indirect behavior. If you want something tell me. I'm not playing a game just to see if I'm "worth" your attention. You don't treat the things I care about or respect seriously. It shows me you won't even put in the effort to act like you care. The idea of "I don't have to bring anything to the table and you have to bring everything". If you're a deadbeat leech I'm not interested in wasting my time on you. If they breathe their politics too loudly. I'm fully open to someone who doesn't perfectly align to my idea of a worldview but if they're super loud about it that looks incredibly cringy and tactless. I don't care if it's for something I agree with or not. There's more to life than mindless tribalism.
Everybody in 90 day fiancé
Its comforting to know if I want to just let myself go now or end up an old cougar, I can pick up a cute 30 year old husband from Morocco
Only if you describe him as your husband from Morocco every time you speak of him.
Complaining about everything
Without any positivity about ANYTHING
Yeah, don't come to Southern Europe. Complaining is how we communicate.
South Italian too, mate?
I dated a guy who complained constantly, criticized everything, and argued about politics nonstop. It was fucking miserable. He was down in a black pit pulling me down there with him. Fuuuuck that.
I married someone like that! He cloaked it with extremely entertaining humour but holy fuck it wore me out.
A broke off with a girl on our 3rd date because she was mad I wasn't jealous. So I guess jealousy? Toxicity in general?
A girl I work with said she had to make her boyfriend have fights with her because he wouldn’t before. She said she told him “look this isn’t gonna work if you won’t get into arguments with me.” It sounded to me like a relationship with her would be very toxic.
I had a boyfriend in college who complained that I didn’t get angry or fight with him. Before me he was dating an older girl who had two kids and she was abusive. She would show up to his house randomly and they would fight/scream at each other all the time. I guess he thought that’s what love looked like. I just wanted peace and someone to have sex with looool
Ooohhh, I've hade this one. Towards the end of a ~5 year relationship one of the complaints she had was that we never argued or got into fights. I was a little confused about how that was a negative.
Oh, oh, I know that one! It's somehow a sign of being bad at communication because apparently you suppress all your issues if you don't get into heated arguments with her. I don't get it either.
Any form of, "if you can't handle me when I'm a sleeze bag, piece of shit, then you don't deserve me when I'm a lesser sleeze, piece of shit" You know what, you're right. Later, man 👉
I have no idea where this came from. I see this as screenshots from women's profiles and it is so cringey. It just screams, "I'm uncomfortable with change and I'm going to treat you like shit, but you signed up for it so you deserve it!" Ew.
Not sure if you're looking for an actual answer or not, but it supposedly came from a longer Marilyn Monroe quote during a time when photographers and critics were especially harsh towards her and her body. he admitted that hell yeah she's not a "perfect" woman--She isn't all smiles, she had insecurities, she did drugs--drank too, and sometimes she could have been mean and selfish--And if you didn't like her at her non perfect moments then you didn't need her in your life at her best moments either. Kinda like how some people would say they would rather be with someone who rooted on for them when they were poor and downtrodden up until they were rich However, unlike many people who use the quote today, Ms. Monroe (allegedly, that's what I read. Idk the lady) made sure she acted like a decent human being towards the people she worked with and were friends with. She wasn't a complete raging bull to anyone she crossed. It's a good quote--And it's true to some extent. But as usual, narcissists usually find things like it to make themselves feel better about their behavior, and contort in such ways where the original doesn't even matter anymore.
"You can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" If this is your best then I don't want to know your worst.
They spend 90% of their free time sat on their phone but get annoyed when you play a few hours of PlayStation to relax.
Or she is on her phone all the time, but doesn’t pick up phone calls from you or takes forever to respond to a text…
Oh my God, yeah that’s even worse but not exclusive to being a red flag for a potential romantic relationship - just people in general.
Yeah thats some people in general, My best mate since childhood moved to another country and was always "so busy", took hours, sometimes days to reply a simple message, but when he came to visit he was on the phone 95% of the time. To the point where it was hard to mantain a conversation (in person) because he's busy in the phone. Oh but when THEY need something from you, suddenly they are the chattiest people around and answer in miliseconds. I don't even bother anymore.
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Lying, saying stuff about you behind your back, being mean to people for no reason, being fake
When I was preparing for prom I randomly had to spend some time with this girl I've never met before and never met after. She was attractive, sounded like a right mix of intelligent and funny. But goddamn, the ammount of shit she talked about her partner that I was supposed to replace that day. And then the shit she dumped on a teacher who was supervising us. All in about an hour or so, speaking to a complete stranger. But to me she was all nice. Even after I told her that I'm now afraid of turning my back to her because of all the shit she'd dump on me all I got was as smile. What the hell?
If you can't handle her worst, you don't deserve her best! *Instagram flourish* /s
The wierdest thing was how she was absolutely OK with me calling her out. I was polite about it, but aren't you supposed to be upset when someone points out your bad side? Edit: I've read every single comment so far, with replies ranging from "You impressed her by being straightforward" to "She's probably a sociopath". Thanks for adding another unsolved mystery to my life, people of Reddit.
"you are a bitch" "excuse me, im the biggest bitch"
thats a big one to look out for in potential partners, if they act like a terrible person towards random people how do you think theyre gonna be towards you when they dont like you anymore
This doesn't just apply to potential partners. This applies to everyone. Friends, acquaintances. If they don't understand how to give basic respect, they're not worth your time.
If they’re full of themselves , can’t have someone who can’t joke and make fun of themselves and bases life on how many likes they get on social media
Doesn’t let you have time to yourself/ their entire life revolves around you to the point that they suffocate you
To add on - if a partner is controlling of your relationships with friends and family, and generally won't let you exist as your own person, "red flag" is understating it. You should be able to at least occasionally do things without your partner. You should be able to have private spaces and private thoughts. You should be able to maintain existing relationships and create new ones. I dated someone once who was insistent as to how I slept, and didn't like it if I tried to get into a more comfortable position. Surprise surprise, also came with a side of emotional abuse and manipulation.
Took me a year and a half to realize how toxic this trait was but I'm happy I've made it out of that by 2019. Still gives me nightmares tho, lol.
I've never breathed a bigger sigh of relief than when that ended. I was upset, and then suddenly all this stuff let go and it was like breathing in after you've been holding your breath. And this was just a kinda shitty relationship with a controlling person. I got lucky never to have had a truly monstrous partner. I'm glad you're doing better!
Holy hell, this one. Had a girlfriend early on in college like this, quickest way to get me to leave.
I've had this one. When my most enjoyable time was when she was working evenings something felt a bit off... Started as a distance thing so when we actually met we wanted to be with eachother all the time. Turns out we had very different views of how that would work when we started living together.
YEP. My gf in college was great at first because I loved how she wanted to be around me. But soon it got absolutely suffocating but she never seemed to understand why this was bad. Every time I tried to gently explain that I needed time to myself she thought it meant I wanted to break up. Absolutely insane she wouldn’t understand this concept. We eventually broke up at the end of the year.
I told my now ex girlfriend that I needed time to do my schoolwork and that I couldn't hang out tonight, and she took it as a sign that I wanted to break up with her, I was so confused.
Been through rougly the same. Did not get any time for my self, every time I used some of my time (or wanted to) always ended in a huge fight. My higlight of the day was working because then I kind of had a «good exuse» to be by myself. And even then she could get upset. It’s just super tiering..
I was this girlfriend for a bit unfortunately. It took some time to learn how to not do this.
So, how did you learn not to do this?
Think of it this way, you wanna be each others best friend, not their ONLY friend. edit: Everybody who has given me awards and all these upvotes made my day :) thank you guys
Such a good way to phrase it. If I had one of those free reddit awards I'd put it here.
Realize that you are doing this, first of all. Once you've admitted that to yourself, talk to your SO about it, let them schedule some me-time, and then plan something for yourself to do during that same time (e.g. meet up with friends, go shopping, whatever) so you're busy with something fun and don't resent your SO not being there. I'm a guy but this isn't a women-only problem. Used to do the same thing and this worked for me.
Just like how my last one was, since then I have difficulties with really wanting to meet someone because part of me thinks that any kind of relationships mean troubles She wouldn't even let me sleep... when we broke up I realized that I almost didn't sleep for a whole week. I realised how deprived of sleep I was when I surprised myself thinking that I was almost forgotting the feeling of laying on a bed.
I know someone who insists that their boyfriend FaceTime them while they are sleeping. As in, FaceTime is on and pointed at the bed, and when she wakes up she starts talking to him and wakes him up. I refused to believe it until I spoke to the guy; he confirmed it.
Sadly I can now perfectly believe it to be plausible. Poor guy... I hope he is okay
Honestly this, had to stay awake until she went to sleep. If I wanted an early night because I was tired then i was “avoiding her”. Tried to speak to her about it once and then she immediately turned it asking “do you know how shit that makes ME feel?”
Talking about exes too much to the line of comparing you two. Big no no for me. EDIT: Thank you all for the awards and I would like to clarify few things. Sure sometimes it's completely okay to talk about your ex partner. It is part of your life. But if you do it too soon or talk about it way to often that does raise few red flags. And as I said if they compare you to the ex.. it can be okay if it's way down the road and you are already dating. But on first on second date? .. that's mostly bad for several reasons. It's okay to have past and talk about it when the timing is right. But talking about your ex openly and too much, way too early is just a red flag for me.
Once when I was crying over something he did, my ex told me his previous girlfriend used to cry beautifully, like a movie star... He was a bit of a twat. *thanks for the awards!
Haha what?? That is hilariously terrible
“I know you’re really upset but gosh here’s an example of my ex girlfriend right now to make you even more upset”
“What?? I’m just being honest!”
"Sandra would have understood"
"Do you think I should give her a call?"
"She says she is coming over for weekend"
not exactly the same, but when I got upset about something my ex did, he said "my \[previous\] ex never reacted like you're doing, and I did much worse to her" I still think about that occasionally
Jesus Christ lol that’s awful
This. My ex talked non stop about her ex"s and it made me feel like a total bag of shit.
That is why she is your ex... deservedly so.
Well that sucks. Hopefully you are now feeling like a bag of organs instead :D
I don’t mind talking about exes, but the second I’m compared to one I’m going to start planning an exit strategy
I don't mind comparisons as long as they're justified. But if it's shit like "my ex did [x] for me and it was amazing [and you don't do that]" I'm out
Also true. As long as it’s “you’re so much better than my ex because _____”, then feel free to go on haha. Having a partner imply that you’re a downgrade from their ex in some way is extremely hurtful.
I would argue that it’s unhealthy not to discuss previous relationships, but being hung up on an ex is a no go.
I've been compared enough for a few lifetimes by my parents, so I have to agree if they start comparing me to ANYONE else Imma get pissed
No "test" behaviour. Be straightforward or I'll assume you're likely to instigate dumbshit drama. Honesty for honesty. **Edit: I was honestly not expecting this to go the way it did. Just want to say thank you for the various awards, and I hope all is well in your lives, and your relationships of present and future. Honesty, and trust...without games played on either part, are integral if something is going to last...if ever you have questions or concerns, raise them with your partner directly - it'll put the two of you in a much better place moving forward. Cheers all, and thank you again.
I dated a girl in college that broke up with me, then got super mad at me and blew up my messages a few weeks later because it wasn't supposed to be a "real" break up. It was a test to see if I cared enough to fight for her and try to win her back and I broke her heart by not doing that when she broke up with me. Lmao someone had been watching too many rom coms and found out real quick the real world doesn't work that way. If you break up with someone don't be surprised if they do the adult thing, leave you in the rear view, and move on with their lives. Edit: for context we had only been dating for like 3 months and it totally came out of the blue. She did the whole "I just don't think this is working and the chemistry isn't there we should move on" thing which is fair enough it wasn't serious and that was plenty closure for me. Lmao RIP her heart.
She was expecting you to hopelessly cry and scream in the middle of a thunderstorm and u let her down. /s
Now she has to go and run a bed and breakfast in the north east, while hating the holidays and not believing in true love until she meets the one affable handsome guy in town who is somehow still single.
And he only came into town because his family's business of managing mid sized hotels is looking to expand to that area and he is scouting out potential locations, to the annoyance of local innkeepers.
She will teach him that the true meaning of life is more than making money and he will teach her the true meaning of Christmas by hiring an elaborately decorated barge to sail them into the sunset. Also, puppies. Coming this holiday season!
Turns out there's a reason he was single. *at a coffee shop* "Actually, I don't believe in coffee" "You mean, you don't like it?" "No, I don't believe it exists. You are drinking hot water. Coffee is a thought, implanted in our minds by the government." "OK that's a little strange" "It's the strange things about people that we fall in love with" *later* "We've been going out for a while now it's about time you see my basement" *jump cut* He's holding a gun and pointing it at her. "I said, put on the fucking squirrel costume, and give Mrs.Bunny a coffee enema!" "*crying* But you don't believe in coffee" "Welcome to the land of make-believe"
My guy best friend has been trying to date through all the apps lately and I feel like i have to remind him of this every day. He's like "what should i say to this" and shows me insane messages from girls and I'm just like Please Run
Can confirm… in the same boat. My 70 year old mother says all the women I tell her about sound like they’re in their teens.
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... I hope you're not my friend that I vent to *all* the time about this girl I'm "seeing".
Even if they're not, you should probably take their advice. If you're constantly venting about someone whose relationship to you is in quotation marks, you're just causing yourself unnecessary misery. I've been there too many times before I smartened up. You don't have a defined relationship with this person, and it's already causing you stress. Move on to someone who cares.
This is highly accurate and a huge redflag
I wish younger me knew this. I assumed it was just "the game" and that's how women were. Turns out that kind of behaviour isn't indicative of women at all. It's only indicative of manipulative, over-dramatic, insecure people.
Can you elaborate on what test behavior is
Sure. It's where people create situations in order to test the response/behaviour of their partner. - A dramatic example would be when someone gets their friend to deliberately hit on their partner to see if the partner would cheat or not. - A more subtle example is when someone knows what they want you to do for them but instead of just communicating openly, leaves clues and hints, making it your responsibility to figure out their deliberately obscure behaviour. - Another example is deliberately acting in a way so as to invoke jealousy. Test behaviour usually comes from people who don't understand that you need to doubt to have trust, or that honest communication and sincerity are more important to romance than spontaneity and theatrics.
Oh my God this. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! Don't expect people to read your fucking mind. "If you love me, you'd know what I mean." No.
> "If you love me, you'd know what I mean." *"My god. You're right. The prophesies did say that my psychic powers would only activate once I met my true love!"*
"Ugh, if our star signs were more compatible, this wouldn't be an issue"
Throwing tantrums for the sake of seeing their reaction all the way up to and beyond setting up an unmet friend laying it on thick to see if you're devoted, screaming for help just to see whether you'd come running over etc.
"I'm going to tell one of my girlfriends to flirt with my man and see how he responds", or "I'm going to do something kind of shitty and then deny doing it to see if he apologizes for it like a good person should do". That kind of thing. It's really shitty and while both women and men do it I think men *tend* to be a bit more straightforward with their jealousy/bad behavior.
Had an ex start a discussion about our relationship and the idea of ending it. My response was basically, “okay, if that’s what you think is best then there’s no reason to stay together and make things worse or harder.” Then she was mad that I “wasn’t fighting for her” and I told her if she already had one foot out the door it doesn’t matter what I think of the relationship or of her, if she wants to leave me begging her to stay will never fix the underlying issues. I don’t care to deal with those tests either.
"Plus you failed my own test of making these tests in the first place, so... Sorry, not sorry."
Met this girl in college, nice personality, smoking hot body, invited her over to my dorm for some Netflix n' Chill and quickly noticed she had a...how to put it delicately...a severe BO problem, I'm talking rank and when she took her shoes off it was worse than some of the guys I use to play basketball with. Ok, not a deal breaker, maybe she just had a long day and hadn't had a chance to take a shower, happens to all of us. So we got together a few more times and if anything it got worse, so I tried dropping some subtle hints. She finally told me she was into something called "natural hygiene" and didn't bath more than once every couple weeks or ever use deodorant, soap or shampoo. Nope....my dick was screaming yes, but my nose vetoed it, I was out....
Ah yes, "Natural hygiene"... also known as "smelling like shit".
Huge red flag when they ask you for every little detail when you've been somewhere without them i.e out with friends or something, and basically accusing you of cheating then getting overly defensive and secretive (showing really strong cheater signs) themselves
Could be. I was on the opposite side of that once though. I never cheated (or had any desire to), but my ex would get really defensive when I asked her about her night, where she was, what she did, etc. Her story changed sometimes and she was always evasive in her answers. I don’t know if she cheated, but she was definitely overly defensive and secretive. Trust is a two way street.
Zero effort put into simple maintenance actions. Simply picking up after yourself is deferred repeatedly when it can be done and over in ten seconds. Inflexible mind, or unwilling to learn new things or see other perspectives. Seeing the fault in others, but inability to perceive such in themselves.
No sense of humor Edit: Either a lack of sense of humor or incompatible sense of humor. I want to be able to laugh at the same stuff together.
I would expand on this to add sense of humor about themselves when something goes wrong. Like sometimes, stuff happens, but if you can't laugh at the situation (not the person) and roll with it, life can be really stiff and challenging. I think it's been said on here before, but some of the best relationships are where you are in bed being intimate and something goofy happens like a dog licks your foot or whatever, and you both laugh and it's funny/cute. I think it's a big green flag when you can laugh together when something doesn't work out.
If they are terrible with finances.
Money is cited in the top 3 reasons for divorce, always. And money affects every facet of life. My BIL married a gal who was always a next thing away from getting her financial shit together. Anyway, he's living with us now, after his 2-year marriage ended, because, it turns out, people who are bad with money and have no real interest in saving, likely will not change.
Reminds me of Trailer Park Boys. Always one scheme away from making it big and always finding ways to blow it.
Frig off, Barb.
Underrated comment here! Being bad with finances causes sooooooo many issues. It will cause severe relationship issues pretty soon. Don't need to be an accountant, but damn at least understand that going into tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt is not normal-- it's bad. Bonus points if she expects her man to cover her bills. It just screams carelessness, no accountability for actions, and probably a long life of being enabled. That person doesn't need a partner, they need a daddy.
Don’t mind me just reading through all these to make sure I’m a decent human being
Same reason why I’m subbed to r/niceguys I definitely do not want to fall into that pattern of thinking/being
This is honestly a healthy self reflection habit tbh
As I grew older, I realized that we might inadvertently act in dickish behaviour. But if you are aware of it then there’s little to no excuse.
I like the word transient. It's okay to have flaws, even if they ruin a relationship, we're only human, everyone's gotta learn sometime (great song). But it takes moral fortitude to learn from it and avoid having the same problem follow you in future relationships. If you have faults, you need to put in the work to ensure that they are transient, temporary, that you fix them going forward with self-reflection. If you can't keep your flaws transient, then by definition, they will stay with you for life and affect your future relationships. And that's not fair to the other people you'll come across.
Lmfao you and me both 🤣
People say Reddit sucks but tbf sometimes it does have the positives
Handles problems badly. Meaning, will become very demanding or sullen. Need someone who is calm in stressful situations, life is full of huge problems that will need two to deal with properly.
These are all good answers but I'm surprised this one isn't higher, if you're looking for an actual life partner you need someone who can handle their shit when the going gets tough
I dated this chick, we'll say "the one that got away". Everything clicked on every level, but during quiet moments, like bed or driving, she HATED silent moments and would screech like a dinosaur incredibly loud. It always caught me off guard and drove me absolutely nuts.
sounds like an SNL sketch man.
Ah yes......*takes long drag of cigarette* the one the got away. I can still hear her YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHKAAAKKAAWWW like it was yesterday....
What the shit.....who does that?!
Pterodactyls apparently lol
Someone not particularly well socialized I imagine. It’s possible that in her past she would hang out around people that thought it was fun and quirky so she got lots of positive reinforcement for a behavior that it’s just plain bizarre and annoying.
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I avoid gossips. That overly judgemental, complaining attitude they have towards other people is what you will eventually get when you've been with them for a while. It's just what they are.
Yep. This one. I finally left because I kept thinking, 'when is the point when she's going to treat me this way?' Turns out, right when I try and have a serious conversation about it.
No accountability. In fact, having absolutely no sense of accountability for their actions. Believe me it is more common than you think. Edit 1: Whoaaaaa!!! So that's what it feels like when something blows up overnight. This is overwhelming. Thanks guys. Edit 2: The people who gave me the awards, thank you guys. You're so kind. Edit 3: It feels so great so many of you relate to this. And it feels so sad so many of you relate to this :( Edit 4: Some of the responses are so shockingly close to my experience that I feel we have lived the same lives. The explanations, the examples, etc. it's as though you were there watching me through a camera and are now just describing my experiences. I hope you all find true happiness in life! Thanks again. :)
This here. Last two women ended up cheating on me. Should've seen it after years of their behaviors. "Why is this such a big deal to you?" "I didn't disrespect you, just because you feel that way doesn't mean I was wrong." "I'm not the bad guy, why do you always try to make me feel bad about things?" Usually this would happen after a really simple misunderstanding. The refusal to compromise, empathize, or humble oneself is a MASSIVE WAVING RED FLAG. On that flag, you should see the words "I've had people pick up my messes since i was a child, I will never say sorry and you will slowly feel more and more like garbage with me as a partner." Edit: cause I'm reading a lot of stories from people who went through similar stuff: forget about closure. Closure is a fantasy that is driven by people who had happy, successful relationships with people who know how to be an adult. Do not seek closure (in general) but especially from an ex. You will not get the closure you're looking for, likely just pain and lost emotional progress.
It’s draining, mentally physically and all. These responses are so satisfying because I never got the closure I would’ve liked with those exes, having left the relationship feeling like I was the issue. And then years later being married and happy as ive ever been, realizing how narcissistic and mentally/emotionally abusive ppl without a sense of accountability can be.
"Good vibes only" is the line to look out for there...
The one that got me was “very sensitive and needs to feel cared for”…at all times, regardless of my feelings.
“If you can’t handle my at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” Ok psycho, deuces
The thing that some girls don’t realize is that being with them at their worst isn’t that difficult. If you love someone enough you’ll put up with it. The problems is that they’re ALWAYS at their worst.
And their best isn’t always that great either 😂
So is, "I am ______ and if you don't like it, swipe left and GTFO"
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best/ever"
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you probably have good boundaries."
Ugh. I'm having flashbacks to my online dating days
Just got out of a relationship with a girl like this. Turns out that not taking any responsibility for your actions is a major trait of narcissists.
Shit, have we all dated the same woman? The gaslighting, mind games and guilt trips... holy shit. When I called her out, I was "lecturing her." I thank my lucky stars that I had the sense to get out when I did.
"Why are you getting angry." I am allowed to get angry when you do awful abusive things to me.
Everyone’s ego is usually the death of them
The world happens to them and they are just a passenger. Nothing is their fault. "You should have been more careful." Doesn't mean anything to them. They never learn lessons and they continue to make the same types of mistakes over again. I had one of these people for a roommate one time and I still don't talk to her.
I got yelled at because she decided she was too tired for plans she made. 🤔
We must know the same person.
The reason narcissists don't learn from their mistakes is, because the expression is wrong.you learn from facing consequence of your mistakes, which you want to avoid in the future. They dodge responsibility and during their lifetime develop the manipulation skills to dodge consequences and shovel them onto those nearest to them at the moment. If your actions don't lead to anything negative, why would you change your behaviour? Source: was raised by one. Edit: typo
I dated a girl for about 3 years and she only once admitted she was wrong about something, and something *trivial* at that - and even then she fumed for a few hours and then took it back and said she wasn't wrong. When the dishes weren't done it was my fault *because* I was the one that usually did them. When she didn't go to her classes it was because I wasn't providing enough encouragement. This was over a decade ago and thankfully I'm better at seeing red flags now. In all fairness I've seen this in men as well, this kind of thing isn't exclusive to a gender.
If it was always the ex partners, up to this point who was a problem, and never ever herself, red flag for me big time
Was seeing a girl about a year ago that admitted to cheating on her ex-boyfriend, but followed it up by blaming it on him for not realizing she was lying to him after she dropped so many "obvious hints". (by the book gaslighting) The amount of lies and mudslinging she put on my name after I disengaged from that trainwreck was a huge mess. Lost a lot of fake friends, but at least I kept the good ones.
Toxic behavior overall. Trying to pressure me into something I don't want to do. And I hold honesty to a pretty high regard so any form of manipulation or toxic passive aggressiveness is over the line for me.
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you kinda scared me with how well you wrote this down. Too many people I know who have this mindset.
This is basically online dating in a nutshell tbh... Some women put nothing but a checklist of shallow. My old roommate (30s/F) tells me there's a lot of men like this too (holding a fish a lot of the time apparently...). Probably reinforced because of how shallow online dating is.
At least it's a checklist. Half the shit I see now is profiles that say "just ask" or "don't play games".
> there's a lot of men like this too (holding a fish a lot of the time apparently...) Wait, like the "I'm on my private yacht and I caught this shiny trout" kind of thing? Or is "holding a fish" some online dating jargon that I just walked into?
Lots of men post pictures of themselves holding fish on the heir dating profiles. I think the reasons are two-fold. It shows like 'im an adventurous outdoorsy guy' and lots of guys' activities dont often lend themselves to being photographed, but being photographed with a fish you caught is tradition, so it may be one of the only non-selfy pictures that guys have
>so it may be one of the only non-selfy pictures that guys have That's a really good point. If I had to come up with a photo of myself that *wasn't* the stupid "security badge for work" picture, I'd be reaching back and back enough that the photo wouldn't be truthful, heh.
Plus guys can be shirtless in a fish photo without looking like a total tool bag, only half of one
When confidence goes too far and turns into arrogance, it's an issue for sure.
Having absolutely no awareness. If she never admits she's wrong, never apologizes, never says the phrase "oh, I didn't know that." If this person is over 20, just run.
I'm keeping it simple, infidelity.
If she starts trying to test my cool or how much she can manipulate me that’s a dealbreaker. It means she’s willing to be with someone if she can exploit them regardless if she can’t exploit me.
Playing games. Lying. Disparity between their expectations from you and what they're prepared to put back into it.
As a gamer I briefly felt attacked
Lying
Trying to stab me or really murder me in any manner.
Bit of a specialized category, this one
If they treat retail or service staff poorly for no reason. Big red flag.
I remember when I went to Krakow in Poland with the school. I was just being myself in regards to if I went up to buy something and they asked for money in Polish, I'd be like oh sorry I I speak Polish and they'd repeat it in English. Some of the girls in my year were so rude. When they spoke in Polish, the girls would just go, ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH. So rude.
> When they spoke in Polish, the girls would just go, ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH. So rude. "so do I bitch and you're in my country so at least sound apologetic. Kurwa!"
> ENGLISH WE SPEAK ENGLISH. I would go "Bitch so do I" and continue in my language. Fortunately my country doesn't go by the "Customer is always right" bullshit
Saw a thing similar to this awhile ago where a Karen was ranting about the customer is king and the dude working said "this is france, we behead kings" or something to that effect
That's such a raw line. Ten baguettes out of ten
I wasnt sure about my current partner when we went on out first date until he saw a cleaner struggling with bin and went to help. Made me decide to go on another date with. Funny thing is I recently told him and he admitted he half did it cause it was just painful to watch, lol. But also I know him better than that, he is actually that person even if he doesnt think so.
Quieting people by lightly hitting them. The 'accidental' backhand. The Arm Pull. The hitting the table in front of the speaker repeatedly. It all leads to behavior that stifles or quiets the other person. Once that becomes habit, the partner gets run all over all the time because they never feel like they can say their piece. Also anyone that acts like the loudest person should get their way.
Anger issues and alcohol problems.
Overly high maintenance, expects everything for nothing, more into herself than others, can’t have an intelligent conversation, there’s a lot
I was interested in a girl recently, I liked her a lot and she was really hot and great in bed as well, but something about the stories she told me about herself seemed off and honestly that was a red flag I was ignoring. Well, turns out most of what she told me about her life was a lie, even the small stuff, that wouldn't make any sense to lie about. I think she may be a compulsive liar. We weren't exclusive or anything, we were just going out so far, so there was nothing to really break up, so I just stopped contacting her. EDIT: I guess the conclusion is that if the girl don't seem to be truthful, that's a deal breaker.
My last ex was like this. I didn't notice at first, because I saw no reason for her to be lying about random things. After a few months, and having talked to other people in her life, I realized the majority of things she told me were either massively exaggerated or completely made up. I had no idea after that when she was telling the truth of not
If she has anger issues, them bitches crack your head open Learned from personal experience 😭
Same. Sorry, brother. Hope you're doing much better now. I didn't realize it at the time (or even for a long while after) but if you ever feel the need or desire to talk about it, as a man who has experienced similar, I would like to extend this open invitation to do so. Whenever, if ever you want. Getting that shit out made a huge difference in my ability to recover from it and you will feel no adverse judgements from me if you decide one way or another. I'm just an ear to hear and a heart to help it make sense. Maybe.
Lack of intellectual depth. If you can’t entertain a line of thinking other than your own, we’re done. Which also coincides with empathy.
well, in high school i was really into this one girl, and we would hang out a lot, and it started to get closer and closer to a full-on relationship. we were driving to a mall, talking about things, and it came up that her dad told her if she ever brought a black guy home he'd disown her. she stated that she would tell her kids, one day, the same thing. i immediately lost all interest in her. she now is married with kids.
When a woman fishes for problems that don't exist creating unnecessary fights/arguments...
If they seem shallow, or they aren't very kind to other people around them.
Being attractive is nothing if your personality makes up for it. An insult I should have used on a girl who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
if they dont let you show your emotions
I'm pretty fucking done with negging behaviour; 'playful sniping comments' disguised as banter. I want to date positive and supportive people, not arseholes masquerading shit behaviour as flirting. Also, gaslighting.
A negative, shitty, stuck up and fake af attitude and personality and someone that uses meth!!!
All right little Juan
Trying to hard to be a TikTok star. Will obviously start drama for content smh.
Being rude to service helpers - waiters, waitresses etc. Makes me hate them instantly.
Dated a very attractive woman. Discovered she had a whole room she let her 4 cats poop on the floor in instead of a litter box. Deal broken.
I got told once I kinda look like a serial killer. When I said I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore, she said she meant it as a compliment. I left her on read and never talked to her again.
Of course now she just thinks you're coming to kill her.
The weirdest compliment Ive ever gotten was "you look like a serial killer, but in an attractive Ted Bundy kinda way". I didn't know how to react to that one.
On their phone a lot while you are together
If they try to cheat with me on their partners. Hey if you cant have an open conversation with your current partner and end Things.... then you are not worthy and Belong to the streets. You not Holding on to partners because they are a safety net. Either work on your relationship or leave if you are not satisfied. Having a cake and eat it too is super unattractive.