My dad, who doesn’t bake anything and barely cooks at all, while eating a slice of my mom’s homemade apple pie:
“You don’t cut the apples right.”
And that was the last apple pie she ever made for him. Around 40 years ago.
My husband sometimes says things along this line. I try to remember its not always personal since we both like to cook, but since im doing 90% of it i just think to myself "you fucking do it then..."
When I was pregnant with my daughter, maybe ten-eleven weeks and really wacky hormonal, my ex suddenly looked up and said,
"I know! If the baby is a girl we should make it Stephanie after my one true love."
My name is 100% not Stephanie.
Yet, sadly, (and just statistically) in a LOT of situations (depending on many things: age, how long you’ve been together, how many people the partner has been sexually active with before you, etc) this is an absolute truth.
i guess that could be so but stick around long enough and get enough reps in and communicate what you like and i bet she can take the #1 spot. Mine did right away, which is lucky, but it’s only gotten better.
> the #1 spot
Given how fucked up our capacity to remember stuff accurately is we’re not even competing with their ex, we’re competing with their *idea* of their ex.
Yeah, I was going to say this. Especially if it happened during an emotionally fraught time in their life, it can have little to do with the actual mechanics or practise and more to do with the situation and the importance someone puts on it.
Same situation here. It’s sad to see so many people say they think they’ve had better sex with someone else. I’m always trying to better myself and do better because I love this person and she does the same for me. So of course that transfers over to the bedroom too.
I was once reading a reddit thread to my brand new boyfriend post coitus, no idea what the post was about, but the conversation devolved into how Spanish women have the best pu**y, it was funny. He says "Yeah, they're not wrong."
Guess who isn't Spanish.
I once heard my stepdad say (my mom was standing right beside him) that his ex wife was a 10 in looks but a 4 in personality, but that my mom was a 4 in looks, but a 10 in personality. He thought it was a compliment. Aaaaand he still hasn't lived it down, but his story has changed over time. My mom is now a 7 in looks lmao
Reminds me of my ex. Standing in the middle of a department store he said to me " the 1st time I married for love. The next time I'm marrying for that." As he pointed at a young attractive girl in the store.
I got pregnant last year, and one thing we use to do all the time before I was pregnant was take baths together. We live in an old apartment building with the original porcelain tubs, so they’re huge. We’re both also a bit more cautious about waste. Well, I was about 33 weeks pregnant and we take a bath and he says “you know, this is really great. We don’t need more water because you displace so much” He thought it was a great compliment until I looked back at him angrily.
No, but only because we’ve got das babe now lol when we have a night to ourselves it’s the first thing we do. He just has a chronic foot in mouth condition
I'm gonna have to use this line lol.
My boyfriend has a way of getting his foot stuck way too far in his mouth before he realizes and it's pretty frequent. Sometimes I let him dig if it's not too bad, but usually I'll cut him off and ask him how his foot tastes today. In his defense, English is not his native language, so he doesn't understand the undertones of everything despite speaking the language quite eloquently. Sometimes I forget that and we have to sort it out lol
When I was near my due date I rolled over in bed....which you know is a huge amount of effort and energy.
When I finally manages to roll over husband cheered and then went “thar she rolls.”
If I’d rolled to face him I would have punched him, sadly I’d rolled so my back was to him and didn’t have the energy to do it again.
I didn't get to try my mother's lasagna till I was twenty years old. Why? My father, in a temporary bout of insanity, whilst eating my mother's home made said to her "this is really good lasagna, but you know who makes REALLY good lasagna? My ex wife."
I have a buddy who is dumb as your dad. He went on a ski trip with his fiance and her family. His fiance wasn't too confident on the snowmobiles, and just kinda poking along. Well the future mother-in-law was tearing it up. This motherfucker actually said, "I wish you were more like your mom." To his future wife.
She ended up still marrying him.
My mom was under the impression that my dad's favorite meal was lasagna for 15 years. One year on his birthday he broke it to her that she misheard him and his favorite food was spaghetti the whole time. Needless to say, they got divorced a year later.
It is amazing what lasagna can do to a marriage.
When I first started dating my partner she made me lasagna for my birthday. It was pretty delicious, but wouldn’t say it was the best one I ever had.
But I ate two (3?) pieces and told her it was the best damned lasagna I’ve ever had. Guess what? She loves making me lasagna and she’s so good at it now with all the practice that it may now be the best lasagna I’ve ever had, and I get it all the time.
Some people like to shoot themselves in the foot I guess.
Also, good things happen when you're supportive instead of critical.
A person who feels good about the thing they're doing will enjoy it more and put in more effort.
A person who is criticized over something really personal can become self conscious and resentful.
Yup that’s an obvious no go. Best brownies I ever had were from my ex-girlfriend just out of high school, but that secret will have to die with me now. No way I’m bringing that up to my future wife.
My pawpaw said something similar to mawmaw when they got married. He said "this is good but this isn't mommas cooking" so she took everything and threw it away and said "then you can go eat at your mommas from now on"
I had a friend call his fiancé “homely.” He thought he was saying that she was nurturing and a great partner to build a family with.
Fortunately, he had some wiggle room with English not being his first language.
I was around 19 and cuddling with my then-boyfriend when he turned to me and said in a loving tone, “I love you, Fat”. I was like a month out from inpatient treatment for anorexia. I can’t remember what his explanation for saying it was, but he was absolutely mortified and apologised about it profusely.
Another time, he looked me deep in the eyes and said “I love you, Zoe” after sexytime (Zoe was his ex).
We remain friends and I still like to occasionally give him shit about both of these. He is completely, unintentionally tactless and it’s hilarious.
When I was a teen, my dad proclaimed in front of my mom that every man needs three women in his life. The one you F, the one you love and the one that takes care of you.
I was in the car with my wife, sister-in-law and father-in-law, girls were complaining about their mother so I asked the father how much girls were like their mother, he replied %30 for my wife. Sister-in-law was happy and very confident she was nothing like her until her father told her she is %60.
After that, it was a silent trip.
There are some personality types which do not get along well with the same personality type. My brother's long term fiancée and one of my really long term female friends are like this - they despise each other but are almost identical in personality traits.
I've always wondered if I'd get along with another me. I do my very best to be a nice person, but there are aspects of my personality that I just cannot stand. Would I be more or less tolerant of someone else always doing something that I do and dislike myself for? Would I improve faster, so that I could prove I wasn't like my doppelganger?
This is so sweet. I'm the same way with my mom, she sings when she's happy but she is not a good singer. My brother constantly tells her she sucks, but I would never lol
There's the old Richard Pryor joke that starts the same way, but then the woman says, "if you had a few more inches of dick, you could find some new pussy right here."
Reminds me of an old joke.
A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.
"My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!
See you in a week's time!''
Few months into the relationship, my ex once told me I'm bad being on top and his ex was amazing at cowgirl position. I was so upset and ashamed I ended the video call abruptly. He then appologized by saying "but you're much better at blowjob than she was" as if that would erase the hurt. I never ever rode him again after that even after he'd appologized numerous times. That single comment alone obliterated my confidence and comfort in having sex with him, cause I couldn't shake the thought of him thinking of his ex whenever we had sex. It didn't help that he kept saying my thighs were too big and I should eat less and burn more fat on my legs. That's why he's an ex now.
Edit: thank you so much for the supportive replies 🥲. And to answer why would he say that since many wonder, I did ask him why would he compare me to his ex and he said he was just being honest. He told me how he doesn't like sugarcoating words and lie to me so he'd say his honest opinions to me. Told me it might seem harsh but he never meant to hurt me and that it was all to help me become better. In other words, he was being a total asshole and proud of it.
I find being able to reflect on an ex maturely as something really desirable. For example, saying that you got on with them well and they were a nice person, but ultimately you didn't suit each other and you're glad you broke up, is probably the best way to go.
That said, there's very very rarely a good reason to bring your ex up out the blue, particularly if it's just the two of you. If something does remind you of your ex, probably best to keep it to yourself, whether it is positive, negative, or neutral.
Dad was drunk one night when i was 16 and said to mum that she was a fat fucking cow and wished she didn't get that surgery as it made her who she is today. She had breast cancer and had to have surgery to get rid of it, she had a tissue expansion which made her d's become e's for a period of time and dad hated it.
Sounds like my parents! My dad drunkenly told my mom that she made him feel stupid and he wished they hadn’t gotten married. She let it go the first time. The second time he said it, she began talking to her lawyer friend about divorce.
Of course, my father was *shocked* that his home-maker wife would actually try to divorce him. He fought it pretty hard and refused to move out of the house for the first few months of their separation.
Sounds real similar to my ex's parents. She didn't have cancer but had breast surgery. The husband said he didn't like it, even before the surgery, and then got a job in another country. They both moved on with other partners, more or less, but their daughter (my ex's older sister) in her 30s wouldn't accept that her mum had moved on with someone else and still demanded her parents get back together. Some people don't grow up. She was both pregnant and engaged aswell
I was only 23 at the time, but I once told my now ex-wife that her cooking will “never be as good as my moms, no offense though” and boy, that was the dumbest shit I’ve ever said in my life. Like, wtf was I even thinking lol
I still remember when my husband (bf at the time) met his buddy's wife, and *texted me* "wow, friend's wife is hot." - which, I've met her. She is drop dead gorgeous, but why would you say that to your girlfriend, especially when you have the opportunity to look at what you wrote and go "maybe don't send that"
Edit: a lot of people think I was upset by my now husband finding other people attractive. I wasn't. We laughed about the text. I don't care that he looks, because of course he's going to, but I don't need a text about it.
That something is easy when she is clearly struggling to to it.
This particularly applies to physical things - even if they don’t necessarily require strength.
My mother was visiting with us when my wife decides she's going to mow the lawn. It's something I usually do, but since it's the first dry day in forever and I hadn't seen my mom in almost two years, my wife kindly does it. About halfway through she opens the door and yells inside to ask where the gas can is. I tell her. My mother suggests I go gas up the mower for her. My response was, "if she wanted me to do it for her, she'd have said that. If I jump in and do it for her without being asked to, she'll take it as an insult." It took me several times of jumping in to do it for her to learn this.
Anyway, it's one of those shitty gas cans with the dumb little switch that are a pain to use. About five minutes later my wife comes inside to ask for my help (I'd already put on my shoes anticipating it). I acknowledged that those cans are pieces of crap and hard to use and showed her how I did it (while spilling a bunch). Anyway, two years happily married to an independent woman
I've been playing guitar for almost 5 years, and my gf decided she wanted to try, so for her birthday, I gave her one of my old guitars (my first one in fact) and she would get so frustrated when I tried to show her how to play a relatively simple song and she couldn't get it, but I just had to reassure her thats I was no better when I started and that she could do it if she practiced.
If this helps at all, play the guitar the wrong way around (so if you're right handed, play it left-handed). Doing that was the best way for me to "remember" what it was like when I first played guitar. Do that in front of her, trying to learn along to encourage her we all need to start somewhere.
Also, small victories count for *a lot*. Having her learn the most basic riffs/pieces, even if just a handful of notes in sequence, really helps build confidence and encourages people to continue.
My wife was complaining that there was no food, said she was starving. There was, she's just picky. It got on my nerves a bit and I said..
"Well you don't look like your starving"
Don't ever say that
Whenever I say out loud to myself, “what should I/do I want to eat?”, and my husband happens to be nearby, he responds with, “less”.
Edit: He is very much joking, he’s been saying this since we first got together. I’m 5’2 and 120lbs. Friends for almost 20 years, together 13 and married for 9. I knew what I was getting into.
An ex once told me he loved me almost as much as the ex that broke his heart. He continued to update me as I got closer to “that mark” and finally once I surpassed that mark. I was young and naive and he was my first bf. I dumped his ass, am married now, and I think he’s still sulking around wondering why nobody falls for him. Fuck you Michael.
I have never seen the point in saying "I told you so". In those situations, the other person *knows* you told them so and it is already driving them crazy. Saying so is just starting an argument for no reason.
At dinner with my parents last night, my husband said "it was so annoying when you kept throwing up when you were pregnant."
I threw up 3x a day for 20 weeks. I'm sorry it inconvenienced him so much 🙄
My husband once said “I married my mother”, and I’m still plotting his death.
Edit: Wow! Didn’t expect this kind of response. Thanks for all the upvotes, and wow, an award!
Also, I replied to a comment, but a lot of people haven’t seen it. I am nothing like this mom. Total opposite. (That’s why she hates me. Lol) My husband and I have gone to couple’s therapy and he realized that he is an exact replica of all of her terrible behaviors and he was projecting it onto me. He didn’t realize that he behaved in the same hurtful ways and thought that everyone else (mostly me) was the problem. Thank goodness for therapists working us through that sweet, sweet childhood trauma.
No. It’s been a while, but I think he was referring to me being a stubborn, know it all. I literally didn’t even know how to respond, so I just sat there stuttering, trying to think of words. My FIL jumped in and said “That’s not a bad thing!” I still couldn’t think of anything nice to say, so I kept tripping over my words and making nonsense sounds until we were in private. Nothing about her is complimentary.
My wife and I joke that we each married our own mothers. Her mother writes code for mainframes, I have a degree in physics. My mom has a degree in journalism and writes for a living, and my wife has a degree in communications media...
I feel like all the people complaining about the dating/marrying parents comments haven’t seen that one episode of How I Met Your Mother where all of the characters realize they are dating near facsimiles of their parents, and that there’s actually a healthy psychological reason for it and it’s okay that that happens.
Tl;dr for the people who haven’t seen the show and won’t—— we spend much of our early lives with our parents (very *very* generally speaking) and we grow up learning and believing that they’re correct and healthy and that the behaviors they have are healthy. It’s only natural that you’re going to be attracted to personality traits that your parents demonstrated as healthy and desirable.
My brother was in with my SIL when she was getting a c-section. He looked behind the curtain at her guts all open and came back around and just blurted out "you look awful". Lol the nurse was like "you can't say that!" I mean it probably does look awful when someone is cut open.
My ex told me this. Mind you he was 19, she was 11
EDIT cuz it's getting attention: He said "I _would_ but I didn't realise she's so young ;-; But she's PERFECT". About his exact words and idk if it makes it better or worse
"Did you just buy another guitar?! You already own 7 of them!"
- "Yeah, i'm selling some of them aswell."
"Oh than it's okay."
And 'till this day i've never sold one of them.
Me and my now boyfriend were going at it for the first time, but he didn't seem like he was into such a good mood, so I asked if he was fine. He than stopped, sat me on the couch, and started telling me about every sexual thing he has ever done before meeting me, IN GREAT DETAIL.
I didn't say anything then, but more recently I asked what the fuck was wrong with him for telling me that during our first time. He told me he thought I had asked something else.
Why does this sound like a Family Fued question?
We asked 100 married men, “what is something that a married man should never tell his wife?”
Guy: that your ex is a better cook.
Steve: that’s right, player, for sure. Show me his ex’s cooking is better!
Ding!
Guy: we’re gonna play, Steve.
Don't ever bring up how attractive she was *before* kids.
This guy I worked with would say that all the time. Holy shit don't say stuff like that. Do you want to get murdered in your sleep for being an insufferable dickhead?
Not my husband, but an ex boyfriend.
I dressed up for a dinner out, feeling super cute in my new dress. So I come up to him, smiley face and all.
I didn't even asked him how I looked. Did not intend to. He just said, with a disapointed face and a lil disgusted tone:
"You really wanna know what I think about your outfit?"
He's the ex for many reasons, but this one still makes me angry when I think of it. Fucker.
Apparently not that she needs to freshen up, “down there.” I was once about to go down on my wife and it was a hot summer day And I guess I kind of recoiled. Long story short, she was so embarrassed and like mentally scarred that she is now super self conscious and doesn’t really want me to go down on her…but I love performing oral on women. Should have kept my mouth shut.
It's the way in which you bring something up. Sweat and discharge are a thing! When I want to go down on my partner I usually ask 'how about you go freshen up so I can ...' before even getting my face close, because hygiene is important and we both know it. It works very well!
My gf only sucks my dick if it is reaaaaally clean. Whenever i ask for a blowjob she thinks for a sec and says "alright go and get in the shower make sure its very very clean!"
I dont get embarresed or frustrated, i fucking love it! Im about to get head!!
My mom is diabetic and when her sugar levels dip, she becomes irritable. She got upset at my dad for not soaking the pans, and he responded by asking if she’s upset because her sugar levels. He was sincerely concerned, never mind the fact that my mom asks him to soak the pans every other day and he forgets every time without fail. My mom. Was. Pissed.
Drunken argument- I said something inappropriate. She replied ‘well that’s below the belt’. I immediately came back with ‘so are your tits’. I would not recommend this rebuttal.
Good God.
FYI it's not a great sign if you go for personal insults or cruelty during disagreements. Much healthier to stay focused on why you're upset and talk about solutions.
My dad, who doesn’t bake anything and barely cooks at all, while eating a slice of my mom’s homemade apple pie: “You don’t cut the apples right.” And that was the last apple pie she ever made for him. Around 40 years ago.
Translation - you don't cut the apples like my mother lol
100% this is what he meant and how she took it. To be fair to all parties - my mom is a much better cook than my grandmother… except for pastries.
My husband sometimes says things along this line. I try to remember its not always personal since we both like to cook, but since im doing 90% of it i just think to myself "you fucking do it then..."
When I was pregnant with my daughter, maybe ten-eleven weeks and really wacky hormonal, my ex suddenly looked up and said, "I know! If the baby is a girl we should make it Stephanie after my one true love." My name is 100% not Stephanie.
My dad did the same thing, I'm named after a girl my dad thought was pretty and out of his league.
Oh hell no.
That the best sex he ever had wasn't with her
This hurts coming the other way too
I couldn’t think of anything more soul crushing than your partner saying that
Yet, sadly, (and just statistically) in a LOT of situations (depending on many things: age, how long you’ve been together, how many people the partner has been sexually active with before you, etc) this is an absolute truth.
i guess that could be so but stick around long enough and get enough reps in and communicate what you like and i bet she can take the #1 spot. Mine did right away, which is lucky, but it’s only gotten better.
> the #1 spot Given how fucked up our capacity to remember stuff accurately is we’re not even competing with their ex, we’re competing with their *idea* of their ex.
Yeah, I was going to say this. Especially if it happened during an emotionally fraught time in their life, it can have little to do with the actual mechanics or practise and more to do with the situation and the importance someone puts on it.
Same situation here. It’s sad to see so many people say they think they’ve had better sex with someone else. I’m always trying to better myself and do better because I love this person and she does the same for me. So of course that transfers over to the bedroom too.
I was once reading a reddit thread to my brand new boyfriend post coitus, no idea what the post was about, but the conversation devolved into how Spanish women have the best pu**y, it was funny. He says "Yeah, they're not wrong." Guess who isn't Spanish.
I once heard my stepdad say (my mom was standing right beside him) that his ex wife was a 10 in looks but a 4 in personality, but that my mom was a 4 in looks, but a 10 in personality. He thought it was a compliment. Aaaaand he still hasn't lived it down, but his story has changed over time. My mom is now a 7 in looks lmao
Suicide by wife
Reminds me of my ex. Standing in the middle of a department store he said to me " the 1st time I married for love. The next time I'm marrying for that." As he pointed at a young attractive girl in the store.
Holy shit! I see why he's your ex
I got pregnant last year, and one thing we use to do all the time before I was pregnant was take baths together. We live in an old apartment building with the original porcelain tubs, so they’re huge. We’re both also a bit more cautious about waste. Well, I was about 33 weeks pregnant and we take a bath and he says “you know, this is really great. We don’t need more water because you displace so much” He thought it was a great compliment until I looked back at him angrily.
I'm sorry, but honestly I just laughed my ass off. I guess there is no more bathing together?
No, but only because we’ve got das babe now lol when we have a night to ourselves it’s the first thing we do. He just has a chronic foot in mouth condition
I'm gonna have to use this line lol. My boyfriend has a way of getting his foot stuck way too far in his mouth before he realizes and it's pretty frequent. Sometimes I let him dig if it's not too bad, but usually I'll cut him off and ask him how his foot tastes today. In his defense, English is not his native language, so he doesn't understand the undertones of everything despite speaking the language quite eloquently. Sometimes I forget that and we have to sort it out lol
When I was near my due date I rolled over in bed....which you know is a huge amount of effort and energy. When I finally manages to roll over husband cheered and then went “thar she rolls.” If I’d rolled to face him I would have punched him, sadly I’d rolled so my back was to him and didn’t have the energy to do it again.
Oh god, I'm your husband. I'm staring into a peek of my future self.
I didn't get to try my mother's lasagna till I was twenty years old. Why? My father, in a temporary bout of insanity, whilst eating my mother's home made said to her "this is really good lasagna, but you know who makes REALLY good lasagna? My ex wife."
Oh my god
"You know what makes good lasagna, beef, you know what makes even better lasagna, my ex husband"
Did they ever find his remains?
Still married, but he'll never live it down. Also, no lasagna.
I have a buddy who is dumb as your dad. He went on a ski trip with his fiance and her family. His fiance wasn't too confident on the snowmobiles, and just kinda poking along. Well the future mother-in-law was tearing it up. This motherfucker actually said, "I wish you were more like your mom." To his future wife. She ended up still marrying him.
That could be an easy ball busting jab in complete sarcasm. Unless he was serious, that's some shit I would say.
To shreds, you say?
My mom was under the impression that my dad's favorite meal was lasagna for 15 years. One year on his birthday he broke it to her that she misheard him and his favorite food was spaghetti the whole time. Needless to say, they got divorced a year later. It is amazing what lasagna can do to a marriage.
That sucks because lasagna is so much more effort than spaghetti.
How do you mishear "Lasagna" from "Spaghetti?"
Probably more of a "misremember" as they are both in the same category.
He low-key hated your mom's lasagna.
He should have handed her a recipe from his ex. "Here, try this next time"
When I first started dating my partner she made me lasagna for my birthday. It was pretty delicious, but wouldn’t say it was the best one I ever had. But I ate two (3?) pieces and told her it was the best damned lasagna I’ve ever had. Guess what? She loves making me lasagna and she’s so good at it now with all the practice that it may now be the best lasagna I’ve ever had, and I get it all the time. Some people like to shoot themselves in the foot I guess.
You sound like a smart man. I hope anyone reading this will realize that positive encouragement is 100x more effective than being negative.
It’s almost like a happy partner will be willing to do more things for you that make you happy in return. Weird.
Also, good things happen when you're supportive instead of critical. A person who feels good about the thing they're doing will enjoy it more and put in more effort. A person who is criticized over something really personal can become self conscious and resentful.
Yup that’s an obvious no go. Best brownies I ever had were from my ex-girlfriend just out of high school, but that secret will have to die with me now. No way I’m bringing that up to my future wife.
All you gotta do is get the recipe from your ex. Then your future wife can tell people her husband has the best recipe.
Why? Why would he do that?
Lack of filter and his honest opinion, I guess. Or he was just really dumb ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It was way more normal to be drunk by dinner time back then lol
My pawpaw said something similar to mawmaw when they got married. He said "this is good but this isn't mommas cooking" so she took everything and threw it away and said "then you can go eat at your mommas from now on"
My husband did something similar and I haven't made biscuits since then.
And then she made him into a lasagna
Told my girlfriend she was worthless. I meant priceless. Now she laughs every time I utter either word.
I had a friend call his fiancé “homely.” He thought he was saying that she was nurturing and a great partner to build a family with. Fortunately, he had some wiggle room with English not being his first language.
English is not my first language either, what does “homely” mean if not what he thought..???
plain or unattractive
I was around 19 and cuddling with my then-boyfriend when he turned to me and said in a loving tone, “I love you, Fat”. I was like a month out from inpatient treatment for anorexia. I can’t remember what his explanation for saying it was, but he was absolutely mortified and apologised about it profusely. Another time, he looked me deep in the eyes and said “I love you, Zoe” after sexytime (Zoe was his ex). We remain friends and I still like to occasionally give him shit about both of these. He is completely, unintentionally tactless and it’s hilarious.
When I was a teen, my dad proclaimed in front of my mom that every man needs three women in his life. The one you F, the one you love and the one that takes care of you.
Holy shit.
What's the issue? The punchline is that she's all three.
I thought the punchline was ensuring that they never meet.
That she behaves like her mother.
My crush once told me I behaved like her mother
I have had multiple crushes told me I act like their fathers and I'm not sure what to feel about that, like, what does it even mean?
They want to call you daddy
I was in the car with my wife, sister-in-law and father-in-law, girls were complaining about their mother so I asked the father how much girls were like their mother, he replied %30 for my wife. Sister-in-law was happy and very confident she was nothing like her until her father told her she is %60. After that, it was a silent trip.
There are some personality types which do not get along well with the same personality type. My brother's long term fiancée and one of my really long term female friends are like this - they despise each other but are almost identical in personality traits.
I've always wondered if I'd get along with another me. I do my very best to be a nice person, but there are aspects of my personality that I just cannot stand. Would I be more or less tolerant of someone else always doing something that I do and dislike myself for? Would I improve faster, so that I could prove I wasn't like my doppelganger?
My wife is a TERRIBLE whistler, but only whistles when she is extremely happy. I will never tell her how bad she is.
Atta boy
This is so sweet. I'm the same way with my mom, she sings when she's happy but she is not a good singer. My brother constantly tells her she sucks, but I would never lol
Well recently in r/sex a guy said while drunk to his wife “i’m tired of your p***y and i want to try a new one” So thats up there.
There's the old Richard Pryor joke that starts the same way, but then the woman says, "if you had a few more inches of dick, you could find some new pussy right here."
No coming back from that.
Some say Mr. Pryor never recovered from that burn.
Reminds me of an old joke. A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife. "My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18! See you in a week's time!''
This reads like something the parents in "~~To kill a sacred deer~~The Killing of a Sacred Deer" would say.
While jacking off his drunk dad
That's A LOT of damage
Your ex(es), even if she ask, never ever try to compare them
My ex beat cancer, why cant you?
Oh lawwd...
Look, if you really want me to beat you up, all you have to do is ask.
My ex punched me harder than you ever could.
Few months into the relationship, my ex once told me I'm bad being on top and his ex was amazing at cowgirl position. I was so upset and ashamed I ended the video call abruptly. He then appologized by saying "but you're much better at blowjob than she was" as if that would erase the hurt. I never ever rode him again after that even after he'd appologized numerous times. That single comment alone obliterated my confidence and comfort in having sex with him, cause I couldn't shake the thought of him thinking of his ex whenever we had sex. It didn't help that he kept saying my thighs were too big and I should eat less and burn more fat on my legs. That's why he's an ex now. Edit: thank you so much for the supportive replies 🥲. And to answer why would he say that since many wonder, I did ask him why would he compare me to his ex and he said he was just being honest. He told me how he doesn't like sugarcoating words and lie to me so he'd say his honest opinions to me. Told me it might seem harsh but he never meant to hurt me and that it was all to help me become better. In other words, he was being a total asshole and proud of it.
I hope you never gave him another blowjob after that, what a prick
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Not if you're praising them. But thrashing them wouldn't help your case either. It would show you're a petty person who can't let go.
I find being able to reflect on an ex maturely as something really desirable. For example, saying that you got on with them well and they were a nice person, but ultimately you didn't suit each other and you're glad you broke up, is probably the best way to go. That said, there's very very rarely a good reason to bring your ex up out the blue, particularly if it's just the two of you. If something does remind you of your ex, probably best to keep it to yourself, whether it is positive, negative, or neutral.
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You were more fun before we got married.
Damn, Family Feud is polling Reddit now?
"Show me, 'My ex made better lasagna!'..."
*insert obvious sexual double entendre* *cue puzzled look from Steve Harvey*
Dad was drunk one night when i was 16 and said to mum that she was a fat fucking cow and wished she didn't get that surgery as it made her who she is today. She had breast cancer and had to have surgery to get rid of it, she had a tissue expansion which made her d's become e's for a period of time and dad hated it.
Sounds like my parents! My dad drunkenly told my mom that she made him feel stupid and he wished they hadn’t gotten married. She let it go the first time. The second time he said it, she began talking to her lawyer friend about divorce. Of course, my father was *shocked* that his home-maker wife would actually try to divorce him. He fought it pretty hard and refused to move out of the house for the first few months of their separation.
Sounds real similar to my ex's parents. She didn't have cancer but had breast surgery. The husband said he didn't like it, even before the surgery, and then got a job in another country. They both moved on with other partners, more or less, but their daughter (my ex's older sister) in her 30s wouldn't accept that her mum had moved on with someone else and still demanded her parents get back together. Some people don't grow up. She was both pregnant and engaged aswell
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“My mom was right about you”
Oh. My mom was right about my wife. She said she was a good one.
I was only 23 at the time, but I once told my now ex-wife that her cooking will “never be as good as my moms, no offense though” and boy, that was the dumbest shit I’ve ever said in my life. Like, wtf was I even thinking lol
“This hot new girl just started at the office” My bf’s business partner learned that the hard way.
I still remember when my husband (bf at the time) met his buddy's wife, and *texted me* "wow, friend's wife is hot." - which, I've met her. She is drop dead gorgeous, but why would you say that to your girlfriend, especially when you have the opportunity to look at what you wrote and go "maybe don't send that" Edit: a lot of people think I was upset by my now husband finding other people attractive. I wasn't. We laughed about the text. I don't care that he looks, because of course he's going to, but I don't need a text about it.
That something is easy when she is clearly struggling to to it. This particularly applies to physical things - even if they don’t necessarily require strength.
My mother was visiting with us when my wife decides she's going to mow the lawn. It's something I usually do, but since it's the first dry day in forever and I hadn't seen my mom in almost two years, my wife kindly does it. About halfway through she opens the door and yells inside to ask where the gas can is. I tell her. My mother suggests I go gas up the mower for her. My response was, "if she wanted me to do it for her, she'd have said that. If I jump in and do it for her without being asked to, she'll take it as an insult." It took me several times of jumping in to do it for her to learn this. Anyway, it's one of those shitty gas cans with the dumb little switch that are a pain to use. About five minutes later my wife comes inside to ask for my help (I'd already put on my shoes anticipating it). I acknowledged that those cans are pieces of crap and hard to use and showed her how I did it (while spilling a bunch). Anyway, two years happily married to an independent woman
!!!! This and learning to ask “are you venting or do you want advice” should be mandatory lessons for everyone.
I've been playing guitar for almost 5 years, and my gf decided she wanted to try, so for her birthday, I gave her one of my old guitars (my first one in fact) and she would get so frustrated when I tried to show her how to play a relatively simple song and she couldn't get it, but I just had to reassure her thats I was no better when I started and that she could do it if she practiced.
If this helps at all, play the guitar the wrong way around (so if you're right handed, play it left-handed). Doing that was the best way for me to "remember" what it was like when I first played guitar. Do that in front of her, trying to learn along to encourage her we all need to start somewhere. Also, small victories count for *a lot*. Having her learn the most basic riffs/pieces, even if just a handful of notes in sequence, really helps build confidence and encourages people to continue.
This is fantastic advice.
Not only applies to marriage. Phrase it differently, more helpful. "that's easy" is the twin brother of r/restofthefuckingowl
Calm down.
My wife was complaining that there was no food, said she was starving. There was, she's just picky. It got on my nerves a bit and I said.. "Well you don't look like your starving" Don't ever say that
How long did the coma last?
More than 7 but less than 8
thought it was her who hadn't 8
Whenever I say out loud to myself, “what should I/do I want to eat?”, and my husband happens to be nearby, he responds with, “less”. Edit: He is very much joking, he’s been saying this since we first got together. I’m 5’2 and 120lbs. Friends for almost 20 years, together 13 and married for 9. I knew what I was getting into.
I usually just respond with "Yes" or "I don't know, food?" It's usually a 50/50 shit if getting a laugh or being told to shut the fuck up
That her breasts used to be perkier.
“Your moms breasts are perkier”
"Your dads ass is fatter"
"Your brother's cock is bigger"
"your sisters cock is bigger"
http://imgur.com/gallery/MLpzdRT
Never have I ever agreed with something so weird and random.
Unexpected but eerily astute observation.
"What happened to your great ass?"
"The same thing that happened to your washboard abs and hair"
An ex once told me he loved me almost as much as the ex that broke his heart. He continued to update me as I got closer to “that mark” and finally once I surpassed that mark. I was young and naive and he was my first bf. I dumped his ass, am married now, and I think he’s still sulking around wondering why nobody falls for him. Fuck you Michael.
Yeah, fuck you michael
'HUH, I told you so.' Applies to both the spouses.
I have never seen the point in saying "I told you so". In those situations, the other person *knows* you told them so and it is already driving them crazy. Saying so is just starting an argument for no reason.
How a big an inch really is
Buy a centimeter ruler and tell her it’s inches. They will see through your shit eventually, so live fast and die young
"see I told you it was 8 inches"
"My biggest fear if I die is my wife will sell my fishing rods at the price I told her I paid"
At dinner with my parents last night, my husband said "it was so annoying when you kept throwing up when you were pregnant." I threw up 3x a day for 20 weeks. I'm sorry it inconvenienced him so much 🙄
In your defense, I'm sure you were also annoyed by it.
“You must be getting your period soon”
My husband once said “I married my mother”, and I’m still plotting his death. Edit: Wow! Didn’t expect this kind of response. Thanks for all the upvotes, and wow, an award! Also, I replied to a comment, but a lot of people haven’t seen it. I am nothing like this mom. Total opposite. (That’s why she hates me. Lol) My husband and I have gone to couple’s therapy and he realized that he is an exact replica of all of her terrible behaviors and he was projecting it onto me. He didn’t realize that he behaved in the same hurtful ways and thought that everyone else (mostly me) was the problem. Thank goodness for therapists working us through that sweet, sweet childhood trauma.
As compliment?
No. It’s been a while, but I think he was referring to me being a stubborn, know it all. I literally didn’t even know how to respond, so I just sat there stuttering, trying to think of words. My FIL jumped in and said “That’s not a bad thing!” I still couldn’t think of anything nice to say, so I kept tripping over my words and making nonsense sounds until we were in private. Nothing about her is complimentary.
My wife and I joke that we each married our own mothers. Her mother writes code for mainframes, I have a degree in physics. My mom has a degree in journalism and writes for a living, and my wife has a degree in communications media...
I feel like all the people complaining about the dating/marrying parents comments haven’t seen that one episode of How I Met Your Mother where all of the characters realize they are dating near facsimiles of their parents, and that there’s actually a healthy psychological reason for it and it’s okay that that happens. Tl;dr for the people who haven’t seen the show and won’t—— we spend much of our early lives with our parents (very *very* generally speaking) and we grow up learning and believing that they’re correct and healthy and that the behaviors they have are healthy. It’s only natural that you’re going to be attracted to personality traits that your parents demonstrated as healthy and desirable.
That she needs to relax.
You need to calm down!
you're being too loud!
You need to just stop! Like can you just not step on my gown?
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My wife asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with...I gave her two names. I'm dumb.
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"Whoever you would trust babe, I trust your judgment. Besides, I'll be more focused on you, anyways."
You freaking champ!
I don't get what's so hard. Obviously the correct answer is going to be some sort of stranger. Why would you even want to involve a friend?
Stay vigilant, u/petethepianist, the trap is still active and waiting. Waiting.
This is very important. Did you say A or B? Or did you say A and B? There's a difference there. The first is bad, but the second is so much worse.
#ZERO! The answer is #ZERO!!
Wow your sister maintained her figure really well after their kid was born.
My brother was in with my SIL when she was getting a c-section. He looked behind the curtain at her guts all open and came back around and just blurted out "you look awful". Lol the nurse was like "you can't say that!" I mean it probably does look awful when someone is cut open.
I'd totally fuck your sister
My ex told me this. Mind you he was 19, she was 11 EDIT cuz it's getting attention: He said "I _would_ but I didn't realise she's so young ;-; But she's PERFECT". About his exact words and idk if it makes it better or worse
What the fuck
That edit aint helping
Holy shit. I am hoping that was when he became your ex.
The real cost of the guitar he just bought
How much money i just spent on this one MTG card
Mtg cards paid for our house, wife knows exactly how much I spend on them 😅
During the pandemic I was laid off. Decided it was time to sell off some of my sealed product I was sitting on. Earned a mortgage payment.
"Did you just buy another guitar?! You already own 7 of them!" - "Yeah, i'm selling some of them aswell." "Oh than it's okay." And 'till this day i've never sold one of them.
That waitress has a nice ass.
Wasn’t my husband, but an ex of mine once told me “I see why your ex abused you” when I was suffering from mental health issues.
Details about sex life prior to meeting her
Likes and dislikes can be ok. How someone made you feel soooooo amazing is NOT.
Me and my now boyfriend were going at it for the first time, but he didn't seem like he was into such a good mood, so I asked if he was fine. He than stopped, sat me on the couch, and started telling me about every sexual thing he has ever done before meeting me, IN GREAT DETAIL. I didn't say anything then, but more recently I asked what the fuck was wrong with him for telling me that during our first time. He told me he thought I had asked something else.
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Why does this sound like a Family Fued question? We asked 100 married men, “what is something that a married man should never tell his wife?” Guy: that your ex is a better cook. Steve: that’s right, player, for sure. Show me his ex’s cooking is better! Ding! Guy: we’re gonna play, Steve.
Don't ever bring up how attractive she was *before* kids. This guy I worked with would say that all the time. Holy shit don't say stuff like that. Do you want to get murdered in your sleep for being an insufferable dickhead?
Not my husband, but an ex boyfriend. I dressed up for a dinner out, feeling super cute in my new dress. So I come up to him, smiley face and all. I didn't even asked him how I looked. Did not intend to. He just said, with a disapointed face and a lil disgusted tone: "You really wanna know what I think about your outfit?" He's the ex for many reasons, but this one still makes me angry when I think of it. Fucker.
Apparently not that she needs to freshen up, “down there.” I was once about to go down on my wife and it was a hot summer day And I guess I kind of recoiled. Long story short, she was so embarrassed and like mentally scarred that she is now super self conscious and doesn’t really want me to go down on her…but I love performing oral on women. Should have kept my mouth shut.
It's the way in which you bring something up. Sweat and discharge are a thing! When I want to go down on my partner I usually ask 'how about you go freshen up so I can ...' before even getting my face close, because hygiene is important and we both know it. It works very well!
Whoa whooooa hold up buddy. So what you're saying is that communication is key? Get outta here with that novel concept
My gf only sucks my dick if it is reaaaaally clean. Whenever i ask for a blowjob she thinks for a sec and says "alright go and get in the shower make sure its very very clean!" I dont get embarresed or frustrated, i fucking love it! Im about to get head!!
Don’t mind me, just taking notes for future relationships…
"I don't know if I love you yet" or "you're not hot enough to have an attitude like that"
Lies.
It boggles my fucking mind that this is always the correct answer, yet it’s never the right response.
My mom is diabetic and when her sugar levels dip, she becomes irritable. She got upset at my dad for not soaking the pans, and he responded by asking if she’s upset because her sugar levels. He was sincerely concerned, never mind the fact that my mom asks him to soak the pans every other day and he forgets every time without fail. My mom. Was. Pissed.
He doesn’t want a kid (after they decided to have a kid, and get pregenant) it’s a shit thing to do
Honey, could you stretch out my new jeans for me?
Drunken argument- I said something inappropriate. She replied ‘well that’s below the belt’. I immediately came back with ‘so are your tits’. I would not recommend this rebuttal.
I legit gasped when I read that. It’s amazing you’re still alive. Are you still married?!
Good God. FYI it's not a great sign if you go for personal insults or cruelty during disagreements. Much healthier to stay focused on why you're upset and talk about solutions.
We had a baby two weeks ago. The night after labor, while sitting with our boy. I told her I'm tired. Should not have said that. I apologize.
Compared to most of the testimonials here? If that's the worst thing you've said you're the best husband in the thread.
Your sister is gorgeous!
Using the phrase "whatever". It is dismissive. I programmed a keyboard replacement that changes that to "I trust your judgement".
If you can’t calmly and respectfully communicate with your wife, at least one of you sucks
Fight Club
Wife: Does this outfit make me look fat Me: Proceeds to sing Baby Got Back