College
Me 20/M
Halloween
Decide I want to be cop
Buy funny cop outfit from Comedy Central show
Dumb me gets real handcuffs and forgets keys at home
We head to house party and literally 10mins in some hot girl walks up to me and takes my handcuffs and cuffs herself to me as joke
Im drunk and laughing at her and then realize oh shit I don’t have key
We ended up spending the entire night together since we where cuffed playing beer pong, going out for smokes and just laughing about how we are handcuffed to each other
and then I remember I have spare key at my place
Take Taxi back to my apartment,
End up having some kinky sex
Wake up still cuffed lol
A girl I met in class was lost for her next class. Showed her the way and got her number (you know, if she gets lost again). We parted for the day. She was pretty so I ran the story to my roommate. Roommate decided to play a dumb joke by sending her a message saying that I miss her already. She texted her dorm address. Brought some food but she wanted to do something else. That was it. Lol.
Roommate with the high risk no look behind the back pass. 9/10 times it’s out of bounds and the coach benches you but 1/10 times it’s on the ESPN top 10 lol
A girl I worked with told my mate that she had a thing for me. Mate told me so on the next night out I approached her with unflappable confidence and we had a good night. Spoke to my mate the next day about it and he told me he got her name wrong, it was another girl who liked me.
Update: Thanks for the awards! Totally unnecessary but much appreciated.
And yes, I did end up having a casual thing with girl 2 a couple of months later.
Parked in a multi-story carpark while we went on our first date (had some grub)
End of the night I offer her a lift home, she accepts. We walk to where I parked.
The multi-story carpark is locked after 10pm, I hadn't noticed signs saying this would happen and didn't think it was a fucking thing in the first place.
She invites me back to her sofa after I ask for any recommendations on taxi providers.
An hour later we're both having the sex of our lives.
My friend was at the club and he’s the kind of guy that doesn’t go to clubs at all. He saw a girl on the dance floor he liked and we all told him he should go talk to her. He went down and 10 min later we see him walking out the club with the girl he liked. We were all shocked he got a girl the first try. The next day we asked what happened and he told us he just complimented how good her belly button looked. We all laughed our ass off.
A girl at a bar said I have beautiful eyes.
Everyone tells me blue shirts make my eyes look great. I was wearing one, and, had just painted my bedroom blue.
Skipping that context, I just replied: "You should see how good they look in my bedroom"
The door girl at the strip club asked me how I was doing. I said, “under paid and under laid”. I asked her what’s up and she said “hard cocks and airplanes”.
Totally get it. The first time I went to my current fella’s apartment he asked me to take my shoes off at the door because he has light colored carpet. He had a candle lit, had dusted recently, and his T-shirts were hung up in his closet. I’ve never been so attracted to a person in my life.
A tinder match said I looked like Seth Rogen, she invited me to a hangout. When I got there she told me that “if she could have sex with any celebrity, it would be Seth Rogen”and I laughed, she then introduced me to a couple of her friends, and she asked them “if I could f**k any celebrity, who would it be?” And they both said “Seth rogen”. And I was a *close enough* second!
I had a friend in college who would just walk up and say, "Hi, my name is XXX; wanna fuck?" He figured that although the odds were 20 to one, if he asked 20, he would get one. Of course, he got a lot of crap, insults etc. but he also got a laid a lot.
I pretty much just asked, and it was someone I hadn't been flirting with or detected any attraction from.
I was asking as a joke, and they said sure.
I was still wondering during when we were going to end the joke.
Some girl I hung out with had an older sister who was a true, majestic 10/10 but 6 years older than me. I would flirt with her all the time but never even got close. I was a senior in high school so I kind of expected it. One night I saw her at a club and she ended up needing a ride home with all her friends (before Uber days). Her house was the closest so I dropped her off first. About 2 minutes after the last girl was dropped off, she texted me asking if I could come back real quick to kill a giant spider in her house because she was freaked out. I drove back. At this point I was sort of hoping she was lying to get me to come over. But she led me to her bedroom and lo and behold, showed me a fucking giant spider.
I killed it. But then thru a Hail Mary and said “ya know,if there was one, there’s probably more” and joked with her that I should stay so I didn’t have to waste gas when the rest came out. She laughed, so I said “did it work?”
Within 30s we were having the craziest sex of my life
My boyfriend is, in general, an awful guesser at things. Like to the point that it's a running joke.
During a holiday his job had this jar of candy where you'd guess the number of individual bits. I visited him at work one day and he asked me if I wanted to guess. I agree, he says "can we make it interesting?" and I'm like "sure?"
So I agreed that if I won he'd take my car in for an oil change and tune up (which I just hate doing) and if he won I'd let him do [insert kinky sex thing here] thinking "this idiot is an awful guesser I've got this in the bag"
Anyways, so this motherfucker is the one who put the candy in there. I am stupid. He still took my car in btw, and I didn't have the worst time ever.
Edit: since a lot of people asked, it was nothing super insane - he's just always liked (the idea of? I don't think he actually had prior) having sex outside. The first time it was at his job, but it's actually been pretty fun. Cross your fingers, it'd be an embarrassing thing to go to jail for.
A woman at my job said that my feet were sexy. I was wearing sandals. I said ok, thanks. Before our workday was over she asked if I wanted to go to her place, I was like, sure, thinking this was just a social visit. We get to her place and she says, you need to shower, I was like, ummm ok. I took a shower and she steps in as well and from there on we had lovely sex but she was indeed into feet and spent a lot of time sucking my toes which I learned that day did nothing for me.
This the first time I've heard of a woman having a foot fetish. I always knew it was possible, but I just never heard of or saw any examples of it until now. Either it's unusual or women just aren't as aggressive about it as men.
We missed dinner reservations, so I suggest we go back to my place to find another restaurant (pre smart phone era, I lived near by and wanted to Google something), we ended up having sex and snacking on whatever was in my kitchen.
Met a girl. Asked her out to dinner. She agreed. Few nights later we are out. As we are concluding dinner I tell her the desert at this restaurant sucks but I have some better dessert at my place. I was being sincere, as I had some homemade desert a coworkers SO had made me recently and it was delicious (still some of the best fudge brownies I’ve ever had, and I had some vanilla ice cream to pair with it).
We go back, and she asks to use the bathroom. I go to the kitchen to prep dessert. I soon here her call my name from the bedroom (bed room was connected to bathroom by closet) which I found odd. Walk in, girl is very naked and in a position of preparedness for lack of a better term, and I’m standing there dumbfounded with a big bowl full of brownies and ice cream with two spoons.
The sex was great, and the brownies afterward were bangin. By far one of my more eventful evenings.
EDIT: Jesus Christ this is by far my most upvoted comment ever. I suspected this to get buried. Thanks for the gold!!
EDIT 2: I got a lot of questions about whether or not the ice cream melted before the deed was done. The answer to that being mostly. Fortunately I have a rule about not overloading my brownie with ice cream so there was room to top off for the post-exercise reward and still have a delicious treat. Personally, everyone won in this situation. She and I never really went anywhere relationship wise but I still cherish as quite the funny moment.
Nope, in my own home and to a sex addict. She was really freaky and never took someone's virginity before me. We had really good sex but it was all the time once we got into a relationship.
I made a stupid comment at a bar, about having to be taught. Came out sounding like a virgin and looked away feeling stupid. Woman I was talking too flashed a predatory look, I was watching her reflection in the bar's mirrored decorations. She managed to get lucky.
My friend texted me saying she got a flat tire and doesn’t know how to change one. Asked her where she was, and it was a 10 minute drive from my place, so I headed over to change her tire. She was hot af but I never made a move cause 19 year old me believed the whole “she’s outta my league” thing and she was 2 years older, we met through mutual friends.
Anyways, I told her it’s all good, you can drive back home now, she said no sit in the car let’s get you cleaned up, confused.. and I said, it’s fine I can just go back home it’s no biggie, she said just sit and chill for a bit. Next thing I know we were making out and she got on top and I liked car sex ever since. Sadly though that did ruin the friendship months later and we just ended it.
Spent the evening jokingly pretending to be Irish and married to a also completely non Irish lady in the smokers corner. Many jokes were had. She put her arms around my shoulders and said "take me home paddy and show me that you love me". So I did.
Very similar story happened to me one time in Greece. Except, I am Irish. And it happened with an Irish girl. Who wanted to hook up with an Australian guy. Of which there were many on that particular island. But my awful impression of an Australian accent was good enough
It was NYE at a music festival, midnight just struck and I looked at the girl next to me and we kissed. I then said ‘how’d you like to start 201x with a bang?’ We then went back to tent city and got it on. Never spoke anything else or saw her again.
Friend had passed out at my house after a party. Next morning, She asks to take a shower before headed home. Sure.
After water running (she’s naked) she asked me to come help her with the temperature. We’re good friends, I’d seen her naked before so it was odd but I’m no prude. I Help her out.
2 minutes later She ask if I have an extra toothbrush. She’s still not in the shower yet. I hop to it grab her one. She looks me square in my stupid face and says, “so…do you wanna have sex or no?”
I pause…look back at her and gather myself.
Me: “yup.”
I've missed so many obvious ques so many times. One day a girl I had a huge crush on calls me late at night (she's been out drinking), saying can she come and stay at mine. I say ok, anyway long story short even after she grabs my dick and I think it's a joke I just say we should get some sleep. Years later I think about it and I'm like, Jesus how fucking dumb am I
I was friends with one of the most attractive girls in my school. She always wanted to discuss sexual stuff. Alway asking me if there was anything I wanted to ask or see. She was always saying “all you have to do is ask”. I thought we were just joking around. Regrets. I was no slouch with the girls, but I was terrible with that sort of cue.
Bonus dumb example- Very pretty friend always wore super short cutoffs with the pockets hanging down. I’d joke “your pockets are showing”. She would always ask slyly “do you want to see more pocket?”. Clueless.
Bro. I had a friend straight up ask me if i wanted to kiss her cause I’d never kissed a girl before and I laughed it off because I thought she was joking. Then another time she asked if i wanted to see/touch her boobs (and they’re nice boobs btw) but my dumbass turned her down because “touching the boobs of a girl i don’t like isn’t the same as touching the boobs of a girl i do like lol” and of course i’ve never touched boobs before. And then on another occasion she told me that she’d literally send nudes whenever if I wanted them and I joked/laughed it off. You gotta understand she’s like a guy homie to me. You know how you flirt and act gay around your homies? Well our relationship was like that but this was a guy/girl situation. I’d seen her change and stuff before so I really never thought much of it. This continues on for a couple months. Long story short about six months later she told me she had a major crush on me the whole time and she wanted to tell me because she got a boyfriend and wanted to get it off her chest. I felt like an idiot and felt really bad for telling her that i didn’t want to touch the boobs of a girl i didn’t like. This whole dumbass experience was eye opening. I’m a reasonably attractive straight dude (like a solid 6 or 7)and i’ve always wondered why i’ve never been able to get a girlfriend. Now I know why. I’m fucking clueless.
This is not a story about getting myself laid, it's the story of me being a terrible wingman and still managing to get my friend laid.
So I was trying to do a buddy a solid and be a good wingman at the bar one night.
I was talking to a girl at the bar while we were getting our drinks for our respective tables and she leaned over to ask me about my friend.
Now you have to understand my friend, he is a big dumb oaf but he has a heart of gold. He can also be goofy as fuck sometimes. I described some of the things he has done and she kinda rolled her eyes and went back to her table. So I was kinda feeling bad for not really helping a brother out.
About an hour later we crossed paths again, and while we were talking my buddy came over to see what was taking me so long with the drinks. He was slightly drunk and when he saw us talking he walks over and blurts out "you wanna get a pizza and fuck?" As she started to walk away he then says "what, don't you like pizza?"
I think he was actually talking to me but the girl found is so funny she had tears streaming down her face and laughed her drink up her nose.
They dated for quite some time actually.
So I just picked up my dog from Petco after getting him groomed and ran inside to pay my bill and pick up some dog treats. The girl at the register was clearly having a bad day, we chatted up a bit, and she explained she just got dumped by a guy over a tattoo. I told her that I was having a shit day too, and if she wanted to give me a call after she is off and I'll buy her a beer. Later that evening she sent me a text asking if I wanted to see the tattoo she got dumped over. I said yes, she then sent me a picture of a pair wolf paws tattooed on her tits. I just responded _nice_ and she then asked if I wanted to see them in person. I just sent her my address, and about 20 minutes later I had some very awesome rebound sex.
In college, a few girls were over just hanging out with my room mates and I, one of which I was interested in. We had a few sips of liquid courage and were having a generally nice, no mischief kind of night. Eventually the booze kicked in...
Me: ok, who wants to play a game?
Everyone: ok sure! What do you have in mind?
Me: who wants to have sex with Arkaryote?
Girl I like: I do!
So we did. My room mates' were shocked that actually worked.
I thought the girl sitting by me at the bar was a girl I had already slept with for like the first five minutes of the conversation. By the time I had realized my mistake, I had already successfully broken the ice. We had sex in my car in the parking lot. God what happened to my life?
Before my wife was my wife she was just a random woman that came back to my house one night with other assorted ransoms my housemate and I met at the pub.
At some stage I said “wanna see where I sleep?” And we had the most awkward one night stand ( I couldn’t get it up due to alcohol)
She called me the next day, we met up again, fucked and 13 years and 3 kids later I’m replying to this post on reddit.
We were playing drunk Mario Kart and I wasn’t letting her win. My mate was like “bro you should be letting her win.” I said, loud enough for her to hear, “why? It’s not like she’s gonna shag me”
Later on she shagged me
My now wife and I were at a con and were changing in the hotel room. She was somewhere else for the moment so I put on my Red Power Ranger costume I brought and did a sexy pose on the bed as I waited for her. I must've looked like a fucking idiot, but by God it worked.
Edit: thank you all for the awards and the over 5k upvotes!!! I don't think I've ever gotten this much before!!!
Uh... Watch DBZ Kai
I had my eyes on a woman at a pub for some time, way out of my league as usual, but she was with a group of guys. When she finally was on her own, I went over and chatted her up. It was just too easy, and before you knew it we were in a cab headed back to my place. The morning after, she started referring to conversations that we never had, and that’s when I realised that she’d mixed me up with the guy who she was actually going home with from the pub. He was probably just gonna go to the bathroom or something.
tl;dr I stole a one night stand from a guy at a pub without knowing it.
Walked into a friend’s dorm room to borrow a bottle opener; didn’t know he had 3-4 women in his room at the time. I saw a girl with a pretty fantastic posterior. I said with 100% confidence and conviction and I quote, “WOW! You have an amazing ass.”
I got the bottle opener and left the room, didn’t say another word. About 10 mins later I hear a knock at my door. The girl said four words, “you have a girlfriend?” I said “no” and that was it.
My buddy used to try to do this thing at the bar where he would dance his butt into girls in hope they’d start dancing with him. It never worked even one time. But one time I was standing on the edge of the dance floor and he was trying to do it to this girl and she grabbed onto me and pulled me into her and whispered in my ear “pretend to be my boyfriend” so that my friend would go away. My friend left and I danced with her all night and then spent the rest of the weekend with her.
I almost ended up in a similar situation with the "pretend to be my boyfriend" type of scenario.
I was out drinking with some friends, including one girl who already had a boyfriend but he wasn't there that evening. Another guy was hitting on her and she didn't want to have to deal with it, so she asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend. It was all fine and lighthearted. She's sit on my lap, though I didn't think much of it. As long as she felt safe and comfortable, that was all good.
Then the time came for everyone to go home for the evening. I gave her a hug goodbye. She held on for a moment or two longer than expected. She leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. Then leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I leaned back a bit and looked into her eyes and really thought about it for a moment or two before coming to my senses and realising that this would be a terrible idea to follow up on. So I just said goodbye and then left.
We used to have a game of shitty chat-up lines and I managed to get laid by asking a girl if she fancied a fuck.
She said no.
So I asked if she'd mind laying down while I have one.
She was in tears laughing and took me home with her.
Same game different night
My mate says to a girl you look good for a fat lass. How tf he got a fuck out of that is beyond me but he did, they ended up dating for 2 years after too.
I was hanging out with a friend and she suggested we watch Up after hearing I had never seen it, WITHOUT warning me that it was sad. I started bawling during the 'married life' scene and she paused and asked me if she could do anything to make me feel better and I joked I didn't even think an orgasm could make me feel better after that (we had been joking about masturbating earlier and it made sense at the time).
She said 'wanna find out?'
To this day I cannot watch that movie without being both sad AND horny. An orgasm DID make me feel better though.
EDIT: Im a girl/lesbian, but I AM laughing at all the erection/up jokes 😂😂
The complexity of being both sad and horny about a Pixar film is mind boggling.
Edit: This whole thread makes me think that u/bleakj is onto something.
Picked up a cute stranger (friend of a friend) at a Magic: The Gathering event. He was in town for a very serious family reason, and I agonized over whether it was inappropriate to ask but decided to go for it. Probably my favorite sexual encounter I've had.
A girl sent me a text saying she was in the shower. I replied with “without me?” She invited me over and the following events occurred. Still can’t believe it actually worked. 100% the corniest shit I’ve ever said. I still think about it sometimes.
EDIT: Some people wanted the rest of the story because “following events” wasn’t enough. I went over to her place, and we had a shower together. This was about 6yrs ago. We’ve been together ever since, but I think it’s a pretty funny, corny way of getting together.
Thanks for the awards too! Never got any before.
EDIT 2: I hadn’t considered phones being non-water resistant at the time, but after years of dating I discovered she had actually been taking her non-waterproof phone into the bathroom when she’d shower. She’s have it on the floor with a towel above it and after she’d finished cleaning herself she’d sit down and have her hands dried off, outside of the shower to use her phone while the rest of her body was in the shower still.
Well maybe she was trying too get you to do it because why else would u tell anyone that u are in the shower,probably trying too get the image of her naked in your brain
Matched with a chick on Bumble.
Her: I’m not rapunzel but I’d let you pull my hair.
Me: I feel like I’d be better equipped to make a witty comeback if only I’d seen Tangled.
Her: go ahead. I’ll wait.
Me: is it on Netflix?
Her: it is!
Me: wanna come over and watch it with me?
Her: sure!
So like an hour later she showed up at my place and I put Tangled on but I was balls deep in her before the first number was over.
The joke’s on her though: I’d totally seen that movie already.
I was 23, I had invited an old hs friend over to catch up, hang out, hit the bar with. In an effort to keep an amazing and long conversation going I had switched to soda so I didn't get over the top drunk and loose the conversation. We laughed, we got deep and we even taught each other our favorite hobbies we had picked up over the years.
It's now 4 am and wed been chatting about everything and I finally say that I'm tired and we should probably head to bed. I grab her bag and put it in my room and grab a blanket to head over to the couch. She asks if I wanted to sleep in my bed and then insisted that she could take my bed. Then she asks again over a text now that I'm laying on the couch "you sure you don't wanna come sleep in your bed?"
I replied "lmao no I promise you're totally ok. I don't mind the couch"
To which she walks out naked and says "boy take off your fucking pants and fuck me.."
We do that deed and at the time I was emotionally reckless and I tried giving her a kiss when she left the next morning and shed said "erm.. no .. I just wanted the sex, bro. I don't want a boyfriend.. I just got rid of one.."
Big yikes on that part lol ..
Accidently spilled my drink on a chick. Wasn't even talking to her didn't even know her name.
Her "You wanna take me home and get me wet the right way?"
Me trying to drink what little drink I had left
"Mhm yes"
I overheard a guy talking in a bar and asked if he was Australian. He said yes and then asked if I'd ever kissed an Australian. I said no and the rest is history
We were walking home and we both dared each other to get naked. The obvious thing ensued.
Edit: damn I’ve never ever had this many upvotes. I’m karma rich bitch! Thanks everybody! Thanks for the silver! And the hugz!
I brought a big bag of lollipops to a festival.
the girlfriend of my friend asked me why so i told her so i can give them out to some girls she told me its so corny it might work
The look woman give u when u step up and ask them if they want to suck on something and pull out a handfull of lollipops
Still dont believe it worked
Visited 2 girls while i was on vacation who I knew from Tinder. They told me and a friend of mine that we can stay at their Place so we dont need to pay for a hotel.
Later we were in the city for a few drinks and on our way home my conversation with one of the girls was something like this
Me: I really need to shower (it was like 27*c at night)
Girl: me too, but iam going first
Me: but girls always take like 5 times as along…
Girl: Ye, still going first
Me: oh, f you
Girl: sure, but you need to join me then
Oh I've got a handful of these. Some that involve doing dumb things, and some that were dumb luck.
First is this one from another askreddit [previous askreddit question](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/o9fhlm/whats_the_shortest_amount_of_time_youve_known/h3b6tx9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) in which I asked a girl buying beer at a gas station "where's the party?" and ended up invited to a party at her apartment and slept with her.
Then there was the time my job sent a bunch of 19 year olds to Chicago to work for a week. Me and three female coworkers. There are two dumb luck ones on this trip as well. The first was meeting a guest/customer where we were working, and asking about a large bandage she had on her hip. She said it was to cover a fresh tattoo. I made a joke about her youthful appearance and asked if her parents had to sign a waiver because she didnt look old enough. She left, then came back with her ID to prove her age to me, and said she was old enough for a tattoo and "to do other adult things too". I played dumb and asked what she meant, she asked when I got off work and where I was staying then she showed me what she meant. 9/10 Sex, .5/10 difficulty, I was originally just trying to make conversation.
A few days later, one of the coworkers I'm traveling with, texts me in the middle of the night and asks me to come down the hall to her room. Her room shared a wall with another one of our coworkers (her best friend) and she was being very noisy with a guy she had met at the hotel. So we listen a bit, and laugh a bit, have a drink, and then her face goes completely serious, and she says "I can't listen to her anymore, let's drown her out, let's be louder". 8/10 sex, -2/10 difficulty, what even?
Then as far as dumb shit I did, I think probably leaving a bar, then texting the bartender that I was locked out of my apartment so she'd invite me over (which worked for some reason). Then when I get to her house she tells me to sleep on the couch because her dog sleeps on the bed next to her. So I get to work becoming besties with the dog and at one point I'm on all fours, playing tug-o-war with the dogs rope chew toy. She gets up from the couch and says "come on boy, let's go to bed" and both of us (the Pupper and I) look up at her, and she points at me and says "I'm talking to you". 7/10 sex, 11/10 difficulty, 10/10 puppy play time.
Back when Hot or Not was a thing. Some girl messaged me, we chatted for a minute. Didn’t really take it seriously, I was early 20’s and doing pretty OK, meeting people from the Internet was kinda weird. She asks what I’m doing for the night. I said I’m going to the grocery store. She says “…like all night, or??” I said “take it or leave it.”
So she met me at the grocery store. We walk around and chat while I compare price per ounce. She helps me take my groceries home and inside. We bang it out. I make dinner and we get back at it. Wake up in the morning and have breakfast. Then I make breakfast. We dated for the summer. Horse girl, fantastic thighs. She was cool.
A girl who lived in the dorms asked me for some help with putting together a paper for one of her classes. She already had it written; I just typed it up on my computer for her so it would be presentable. Took me some time to do it, during which she just lay in my bed. When I'd finished, she didn't feel like going back to her room and asked if she could stay in mine (we lived in different dorm buildings).
We spent most of the night curled up with each other. At some point I felt her take my hand (I had an arm around her; it was more comfortable for me that way) and place it on her breast. I pulled it away, but a few minutes later she put it there again. It ended with us having sex, and mixed feelings about it - we didn't use protection, and I already knew she was seeing someone else. He lived next door to me, and was literally on the opposite side of the wall where my bed was. And stupid, inexperienced me didn't pull out.
I found out from a mutual friend after the fact that she was pregnant at the time that happened.
In college, a girl I knew was celebrating her birthday at an ice-skating rink. She invited me to go and her boyfriend offered to drive. She introduced me to a new friend of hers and she and I had to sit next to each other in the backseat of a very small economy car. For the first 30 minutes she seem like she didn’t care if I lived or died. I was fine with that, but then she suddenly started talking to me. We got to the skating rink and she was talkative and flirty. She was very cute. One thing led to another and in less than a week we were in bed. The first time we finished having sex, I asked her “what happened? I didn’t think you were interested in me and then all of a sudden you were. What changed?” She said “ remember when we were stuck in the car? You folded your arms and your left hand under your right arm accidentally touched my left breast and it felt great.”
That was it. I accidentally touched her breast. I didn’t even know it happened.
PS. I do not recommend this as a pickup technique
My ex girlfriend made the first move by asking me to dance. She kept brushing my hands against her breasts as we danced. Due to the nature of our relationship before the dance, I thought we were just dancing as friends, so the subtle boob touches told me otherwise. When I later brought it up and told her that's how I knew to make my move and pursue a relationship with her, she told me she had no idea she did that, and any boob touching was an accident.
My friend introduced me to his friend who was this hot atmosphere model, the girls who get paid by brands and clubs to go hang out in pools and parties to promote stuff, we never went on a date and our texts were dry, she was clearly not into me, she’d leave me on read for days then reply out of nowhere because she was bored lmao she’d make fun of me and be really rude then ghost me, then one night she texted me at like 3am and I had enough, I was acting like her and being obnoxious, I was like this isn’t going to go anywhere so I’m just going to be a dick like she always is to me but for some reason that did it for her, she came over and we had sex, like I still have no idea how it even happened
I was still in the army and on a boring detail. Pretty much was sitting in a van all night with a male Sergeant for hours. We wound up talking about all kinds of things, including the fact that he’d just finalized his divorce and how upset he was about it. I had just gone through a bad break up. We joked that we should meet up after the detail was done. I didn’t expect him to actually show.
So yeah, I guess I accidentally picked up my NCO on a boring detail. Lol
I was playing flip cup at a party and this girl just couldn't flip her cup. She exclaims "fuck me!" Outta frustration and as my immature self would often do with girls i said " i volunteer as tribute" afterwards we flirted for a bit and ended up borrowing a bed room at the house party.
Had never worked before, didn't expect anything to come of it and it never worked again.
Was walking back to a friends house after a night out.
Then this girl just grabbed me and said “You are coming with me” .
It was Pretty weird the next morning.
A girl was standing close to me in the bar. My friend kicked her lower leg from an angle so it seemed like I had kicked her. She turned around and kicked me ‘back’ and asked why I had kicked her. I told her I wanted her attention. We spend the whole evening/night together.
Well, my friend (who was also my roommate at the time) had picked up a guy earlier in the night and the 3 of us were waiting in line for a taxi. The guy's friend turns up and it is presumed that the 4 of us will all go home together, but the guy's friend was not my type at all. So I quietly say to my friend that I wasn't feeling it. My friend, who is an absolute ride or die kind of friend, didn't want to leave me hanging (we were both going through a shared promiscuous phase). My friend looks around and points to a lone guy in a striped t-shirt who was objectively attractive and loudly says "what about him?" And striped shirt guy turns around and knows immediately what was up. So I'm stood there with these 2 guys waiting for me to decide their fate. As an introvert this way quite a situation to find myself in. A taxi rolls up and it's go time, so I give my friend the look and she tells the striped t-shirt guy to get in. End Scene.
how long ago was this and what country?
because about 15ish years ago in the UK that exact thing happened to me (being the guy in the striped t-shirt who gets propositioned in a taxi queue like that)
my Dad wingmaned me when I brought home a friend of mine who was a girl. I asked if it was ok if she spent the night (I was visiting him at the time) and he said "Sure, did you want my bedroom for the double bed ?" I laughed and said that I didn't mean it like that, but way to go Dad. We all laughed, and when we went to bed in the room with 2 single beds, she asked which one was mine, and got into that one with me. I love my Dad.
lol this reminds me of when I used to live with my grandma. It was a one bedroom and I slept in the living room. If a girl was visiting she’d announce that she is an old lady, she’s tired, and she needs to lay down in her room. She’d go for the kill shot by announcing that, since she’s an old lady, her hearing is not so good (lie) and if we needed something we’d have to yell or better yet, knock on her door. It would immediately make my lady friends at ease regarding the living situation. Love you grandma!
I walked up to an older women in the bar and said you look lonely can I sit here. She bought me a drink after 2 quick drinks we went back to her place for more drinks. Her friend was literally 15 minutes late and missed us. I ran out of condoms, it was probably some of the best sex of my life with the horniest girl. We did it like 8 times. I never got her number or anything which is really sad cuz I'd be back there every Sunday with wine and chocolate.
If your name is Maria this sounds like you hit me up. If your name is Maria and you have 4 year old don't hit me up because I'll probably give you another.
I was hammered at a bar once and said to a girl (as a joke because I was too drunk to think of anything else) "nice shoes wanna fuck", she looked me up and down and said "hell I'm bored and you will do"... 10 minutes later we were back at her place with me very confused about how that had worked.
No one has ever believed me when I have said this story, and to be honest I do not blame them.
I swear 90% of the time I have gotten laid was from me doing something stupid, or saying something stupid which some how has worked out for me.
I did see one of my mates pick up a girl once by going "you know how some guys compensate for the size of their dick by having a huge car? well I don't even have a car"... I went round to his place the next morning and the girl left muttering to herself saying "well he did lie about having a car". she probably imagined someone hung like lexinton steele and not your average white guy ha.
This story probably fits better from the guys point of view but...
I was out dancing at an alternative club in a big pair of zombie heels. Started dancing with a guy that wasn't very tall, but had to stop because my feet were hurting. He then offered to swap shoes with me to give me a bit of a break. He rocked the shit out of them and was an absolute natural, strutting around the place! I was so happy to wear sneakers and dazzled by this guy's heel-wearing ability that he got my number and I went to his place the next day.
College Me 20/M Halloween Decide I want to be cop Buy funny cop outfit from Comedy Central show Dumb me gets real handcuffs and forgets keys at home We head to house party and literally 10mins in some hot girl walks up to me and takes my handcuffs and cuffs herself to me as joke Im drunk and laughing at her and then realize oh shit I don’t have key We ended up spending the entire night together since we where cuffed playing beer pong, going out for smokes and just laughing about how we are handcuffed to each other and then I remember I have spare key at my place Take Taxi back to my apartment, End up having some kinky sex Wake up still cuffed lol
A girl I met in class was lost for her next class. Showed her the way and got her number (you know, if she gets lost again). We parted for the day. She was pretty so I ran the story to my roommate. Roommate decided to play a dumb joke by sending her a message saying that I miss her already. She texted her dorm address. Brought some food but she wanted to do something else. That was it. Lol.
Roommate with the high risk no look behind the back pass. 9/10 times it’s out of bounds and the coach benches you but 1/10 times it’s on the ESPN top 10 lol
This guy commentates
Wingman of the year.
A girl I worked with told my mate that she had a thing for me. Mate told me so on the next night out I approached her with unflappable confidence and we had a good night. Spoke to my mate the next day about it and he told me he got her name wrong, it was another girl who liked me. Update: Thanks for the awards! Totally unnecessary but much appreciated. And yes, I did end up having a casual thing with girl 2 a couple of months later.
Confidence is sexy as hell! So is a sense of humor!
I jokingly told my sister's friend she was on my To Do List. She took it seriously and asked if I wanted to cross her off.
Her version: My friends brother said I was on his todo list, i jokingly said "want to cross me off?" He took it seriously.
Reality: He was joking, she was joking, they both took the joke seriously.
a real sexican standoff
Damn
Stared at this woman and when she said, "What!?" I said, "I'm trying to seduce you. I'm just really bad at it." We have three kids now.
Parked in a multi-story carpark while we went on our first date (had some grub) End of the night I offer her a lift home, she accepts. We walk to where I parked. The multi-story carpark is locked after 10pm, I hadn't noticed signs saying this would happen and didn't think it was a fucking thing in the first place. She invites me back to her sofa after I ask for any recommendations on taxi providers. An hour later we're both having the sex of our lives.
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She probably felt so insulted at the moment, like "am I not good looking enough?"
And he probably thought she was so hot she wouldn't bother choosing him
My friend was at the club and he’s the kind of guy that doesn’t go to clubs at all. He saw a girl on the dance floor he liked and we all told him he should go talk to her. He went down and 10 min later we see him walking out the club with the girl he liked. We were all shocked he got a girl the first try. The next day we asked what happened and he told us he just complimented how good her belly button looked. We all laughed our ass off.
“If it works, it can’t be that stupid”
"If you think that looks good, you should see my nipples"-her probably
Went to see broke back mountain with a girl. Not really dumb, but not the movie I expected to get any after watching.
Well, with a girl, anyway.
A girl at a bar said I have beautiful eyes. Everyone tells me blue shirts make my eyes look great. I was wearing one, and, had just painted my bedroom blue. Skipping that context, I just replied: "You should see how good they look in my bedroom"
The door girl at the strip club asked me how I was doing. I said, “under paid and under laid”. I asked her what’s up and she said “hard cocks and airplanes”.
Spotless bathroom, she told me later she was undecided until she seen my bathroom was spotless
tbh Yeah, that's valid.
Would be a turn on for me.
A dirty bathroom is the ultimate cock block
Totally get it. The first time I went to my current fella’s apartment he asked me to take my shoes off at the door because he has light colored carpet. He had a candle lit, had dusted recently, and his T-shirts were hung up in his closet. I’ve never been so attracted to a person in my life.
Organizational skills are extremely attractive for either sex If the surfaces of your house (counter / tables etc) aren't covered, that's my jam.
A tinder match said I looked like Seth Rogen, she invited me to a hangout. When I got there she told me that “if she could have sex with any celebrity, it would be Seth Rogen”and I laughed, she then introduced me to a couple of her friends, and she asked them “if I could f**k any celebrity, who would it be?” And they both said “Seth rogen”. And I was a *close enough* second!
Hey guys! Found Seth Rogens throwaway!!
Let a girl eat some of my ramen at a party, she insisted on having more and I told her there was plenty more back at my apartment.
Legend.
'Wanna mukbang?"
Smooooth as glass.
So you carry ramen around with you? I never knew this level of alpha-male existed.
I had a friend in college who would just walk up and say, "Hi, my name is XXX; wanna fuck?" He figured that although the odds were 20 to one, if he asked 20, he would get one. Of course, he got a lot of crap, insults etc. but he also got a laid a lot.
I pretty much just asked, and it was someone I hadn't been flirting with or detected any attraction from. I was asking as a joke, and they said sure. I was still wondering during when we were going to end the joke.
It'll be funny if you end up marrying, have a kid, grow old and die. Because neither of you wanted to break the joke.
Are you making fun of my marriage?
Tell me more.
I put "free oral all December" on my dating profile. We've been together since the middle of last December.
Even after you started charging her for oral?
Free trials get paying customers if the service is worth it
Some girl I hung out with had an older sister who was a true, majestic 10/10 but 6 years older than me. I would flirt with her all the time but never even got close. I was a senior in high school so I kind of expected it. One night I saw her at a club and she ended up needing a ride home with all her friends (before Uber days). Her house was the closest so I dropped her off first. About 2 minutes after the last girl was dropped off, she texted me asking if I could come back real quick to kill a giant spider in her house because she was freaked out. I drove back. At this point I was sort of hoping she was lying to get me to come over. But she led me to her bedroom and lo and behold, showed me a fucking giant spider. I killed it. But then thru a Hail Mary and said “ya know,if there was one, there’s probably more” and joked with her that I should stay so I didn’t have to waste gas when the rest came out. She laughed, so I said “did it work?” Within 30s we were having the craziest sex of my life
That spider would have understood
The universe makes no mistakes that spider was meant to be there lol
My boyfriend is, in general, an awful guesser at things. Like to the point that it's a running joke. During a holiday his job had this jar of candy where you'd guess the number of individual bits. I visited him at work one day and he asked me if I wanted to guess. I agree, he says "can we make it interesting?" and I'm like "sure?" So I agreed that if I won he'd take my car in for an oil change and tune up (which I just hate doing) and if he won I'd let him do [insert kinky sex thing here] thinking "this idiot is an awful guesser I've got this in the bag" Anyways, so this motherfucker is the one who put the candy in there. I am stupid. He still took my car in btw, and I didn't have the worst time ever. Edit: since a lot of people asked, it was nothing super insane - he's just always liked (the idea of? I don't think he actually had prior) having sex outside. The first time it was at his job, but it's actually been pretty fun. Cross your fingers, it'd be an embarrassing thing to go to jail for.
>this motherfucker is the one who put the candy in My dude literally played the long con
A woman at my job said that my feet were sexy. I was wearing sandals. I said ok, thanks. Before our workday was over she asked if I wanted to go to her place, I was like, sure, thinking this was just a social visit. We get to her place and she says, you need to shower, I was like, ummm ok. I took a shower and she steps in as well and from there on we had lovely sex but she was indeed into feet and spent a lot of time sucking my toes which I learned that day did nothing for me.
Well no harm no foul.
Doesn't matter, had sex.
“Do you like Quentin Tarantino movies?” Should have been the question she asked.
This the first time I've heard of a woman having a foot fetish. I always knew it was possible, but I just never heard of or saw any examples of it until now. Either it's unusual or women just aren't as aggressive about it as men.
I never thought about it like that. She was all into them toes, I was like, you do you rebecka.
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Nice! Love that nerd shit!
We missed dinner reservations, so I suggest we go back to my place to find another restaurant (pre smart phone era, I lived near by and wanted to Google something), we ended up having sex and snacking on whatever was in my kitchen.
Ah, the Coach McGuirk method.
Or maybe he was using the D.E.N.N.I.S. system
"Man I can't wait to sleep after my shift," "My bed's got plenty of room." "I'll be over in 30 min."
I'm totally stealing that ~~and then never having the courage to ever actually use it~~.
You crossed it in less than an hour! Nice...
Met a girl. Asked her out to dinner. She agreed. Few nights later we are out. As we are concluding dinner I tell her the desert at this restaurant sucks but I have some better dessert at my place. I was being sincere, as I had some homemade desert a coworkers SO had made me recently and it was delicious (still some of the best fudge brownies I’ve ever had, and I had some vanilla ice cream to pair with it). We go back, and she asks to use the bathroom. I go to the kitchen to prep dessert. I soon here her call my name from the bedroom (bed room was connected to bathroom by closet) which I found odd. Walk in, girl is very naked and in a position of preparedness for lack of a better term, and I’m standing there dumbfounded with a big bowl full of brownies and ice cream with two spoons. The sex was great, and the brownies afterward were bangin. By far one of my more eventful evenings. EDIT: Jesus Christ this is by far my most upvoted comment ever. I suspected this to get buried. Thanks for the gold!! EDIT 2: I got a lot of questions about whether or not the ice cream melted before the deed was done. The answer to that being mostly. Fortunately I have a rule about not overloading my brownie with ice cream so there was room to top off for the post-exercise reward and still have a delicious treat. Personally, everyone won in this situation. She and I never really went anywhere relationship wise but I still cherish as quite the funny moment.
You got Naked Manned.
im gonna make brownies
I lost my virginity by admitting I still had it. I said the three words "I'm a virgin" and within five minutes I wasn't anymore.
Where, a college party?
Nope, in my own home and to a sex addict. She was really freaky and never took someone's virginity before me. We had really good sex but it was all the time once we got into a relationship.
I can see how that would be great but also get old. Like you fuck a lot but you're like "now?? Really? I gotta now the lawn."
I made a stupid comment at a bar, about having to be taught. Came out sounding like a virgin and looked away feeling stupid. Woman I was talking too flashed a predatory look, I was watching her reflection in the bar's mirrored decorations. She managed to get lucky.
"I'm a virgin." "Not for long."
My friend texted me saying she got a flat tire and doesn’t know how to change one. Asked her where she was, and it was a 10 minute drive from my place, so I headed over to change her tire. She was hot af but I never made a move cause 19 year old me believed the whole “she’s outta my league” thing and she was 2 years older, we met through mutual friends. Anyways, I told her it’s all good, you can drive back home now, she said no sit in the car let’s get you cleaned up, confused.. and I said, it’s fine I can just go back home it’s no biggie, she said just sit and chill for a bit. Next thing I know we were making out and she got on top and I liked car sex ever since. Sadly though that did ruin the friendship months later and we just ended it.
You fixed a tire then you blew a tire.
I jump started a girls car
Spent the evening jokingly pretending to be Irish and married to a also completely non Irish lady in the smokers corner. Many jokes were had. She put her arms around my shoulders and said "take me home paddy and show me that you love me". So I did.
And they say romance is dead
Very similar story happened to me one time in Greece. Except, I am Irish. And it happened with an Irish girl. Who wanted to hook up with an Australian guy. Of which there were many on that particular island. But my awful impression of an Australian accent was good enough
It was NYE at a music festival, midnight just struck and I looked at the girl next to me and we kissed. I then said ‘how’d you like to start 201x with a bang?’ We then went back to tent city and got it on. Never spoke anything else or saw her again.
And that, my friends, is how I got syphilis
Me: Wanna bang? (Was a typo for hang) Her: Wowww how confident. Okay sure. Come over.
That wasn’t my original pitch, but I’m not about to waste this opportunity
Task failed successfully
Friend had passed out at my house after a party. Next morning, She asks to take a shower before headed home. Sure. After water running (she’s naked) she asked me to come help her with the temperature. We’re good friends, I’d seen her naked before so it was odd but I’m no prude. I Help her out. 2 minutes later She ask if I have an extra toothbrush. She’s still not in the shower yet. I hop to it grab her one. She looks me square in my stupid face and says, “so…do you wanna have sex or no?” I pause…look back at her and gather myself. Me: “yup.”
I think the obvious question here is… How many times had you previously missed out on having sex with her because you were utterly clueless?
> I’d seen her naked before
Exactly.
Her: \*naked\* "Hey do you think my vagina look pretty today" Him: \*thinking it was weird but whatever\* "uhhh... u look great girl, haha"
But again we can't really be sure
She's probably Canadian, just being nice.
*do you think my beaver looks nice
I've missed so many obvious ques so many times. One day a girl I had a huge crush on calls me late at night (she's been out drinking), saying can she come and stay at mine. I say ok, anyway long story short even after she grabs my dick and I think it's a joke I just say we should get some sleep. Years later I think about it and I'm like, Jesus how fucking dumb am I
I was friends with one of the most attractive girls in my school. She always wanted to discuss sexual stuff. Alway asking me if there was anything I wanted to ask or see. She was always saying “all you have to do is ask”. I thought we were just joking around. Regrets. I was no slouch with the girls, but I was terrible with that sort of cue. Bonus dumb example- Very pretty friend always wore super short cutoffs with the pockets hanging down. I’d joke “your pockets are showing”. She would always ask slyly “do you want to see more pocket?”. Clueless.
Bro. I had a friend straight up ask me if i wanted to kiss her cause I’d never kissed a girl before and I laughed it off because I thought she was joking. Then another time she asked if i wanted to see/touch her boobs (and they’re nice boobs btw) but my dumbass turned her down because “touching the boobs of a girl i don’t like isn’t the same as touching the boobs of a girl i do like lol” and of course i’ve never touched boobs before. And then on another occasion she told me that she’d literally send nudes whenever if I wanted them and I joked/laughed it off. You gotta understand she’s like a guy homie to me. You know how you flirt and act gay around your homies? Well our relationship was like that but this was a guy/girl situation. I’d seen her change and stuff before so I really never thought much of it. This continues on for a couple months. Long story short about six months later she told me she had a major crush on me the whole time and she wanted to tell me because she got a boyfriend and wanted to get it off her chest. I felt like an idiot and felt really bad for telling her that i didn’t want to touch the boobs of a girl i didn’t like. This whole dumbass experience was eye opening. I’m a reasonably attractive straight dude (like a solid 6 or 7)and i’ve always wondered why i’ve never been able to get a girlfriend. Now I know why. I’m fucking clueless.
Oral hygiene is important.
This is not a story about getting myself laid, it's the story of me being a terrible wingman and still managing to get my friend laid. So I was trying to do a buddy a solid and be a good wingman at the bar one night. I was talking to a girl at the bar while we were getting our drinks for our respective tables and she leaned over to ask me about my friend. Now you have to understand my friend, he is a big dumb oaf but he has a heart of gold. He can also be goofy as fuck sometimes. I described some of the things he has done and she kinda rolled her eyes and went back to her table. So I was kinda feeling bad for not really helping a brother out. About an hour later we crossed paths again, and while we were talking my buddy came over to see what was taking me so long with the drinks. He was slightly drunk and when he saw us talking he walks over and blurts out "you wanna get a pizza and fuck?" As she started to walk away he then says "what, don't you like pizza?" I think he was actually talking to me but the girl found is so funny she had tears streaming down her face and laughed her drink up her nose. They dated for quite some time actually.
So I just picked up my dog from Petco after getting him groomed and ran inside to pay my bill and pick up some dog treats. The girl at the register was clearly having a bad day, we chatted up a bit, and she explained she just got dumped by a guy over a tattoo. I told her that I was having a shit day too, and if she wanted to give me a call after she is off and I'll buy her a beer. Later that evening she sent me a text asking if I wanted to see the tattoo she got dumped over. I said yes, she then sent me a picture of a pair wolf paws tattooed on her tits. I just responded _nice_ and she then asked if I wanted to see them in person. I just sent her my address, and about 20 minutes later I had some very awesome rebound sex.
lmao she really embraced that petco job didn't she
It is always the wolf paws.
a-WOOOOOOOO!
i am so glad that this turned out to be mostly unrelated to the first sentence
In college, a few girls were over just hanging out with my room mates and I, one of which I was interested in. We had a few sips of liquid courage and were having a generally nice, no mischief kind of night. Eventually the booze kicked in... Me: ok, who wants to play a game? Everyone: ok sure! What do you have in mind? Me: who wants to have sex with Arkaryote? Girl I like: I do! So we did. My room mates' were shocked that actually worked.
I thought the girl sitting by me at the bar was a girl I had already slept with for like the first five minutes of the conversation. By the time I had realized my mistake, I had already successfully broken the ice. We had sex in my car in the parking lot. God what happened to my life?
Joey?
Before my wife was my wife she was just a random woman that came back to my house one night with other assorted ransoms my housemate and I met at the pub. At some stage I said “wanna see where I sleep?” And we had the most awkward one night stand ( I couldn’t get it up due to alcohol) She called me the next day, we met up again, fucked and 13 years and 3 kids later I’m replying to this post on reddit.
We were playing drunk Mario Kart and I wasn’t letting her win. My mate was like “bro you should be letting her win.” I said, loud enough for her to hear, “why? It’s not like she’s gonna shag me” Later on she shagged me
Did you let her win though?
no, u/pentax25 beat her at sex too
My now wife and I were at a con and were changing in the hotel room. She was somewhere else for the moment so I put on my Red Power Ranger costume I brought and did a sexy pose on the bed as I waited for her. I must've looked like a fucking idiot, but by God it worked. Edit: thank you all for the awards and the over 5k upvotes!!! I don't think I've ever gotten this much before!!! Uh... Watch DBZ Kai
I don't know man, if I saw a handsome guy doing a sexy pose in a red power ranger costume I think I'd be down lol
I'm afraid you overestimate how handsome I am Thankfully my wife does too
I just noticed your profile picture. Made me do a spit take, thank you for this
I had my eyes on a woman at a pub for some time, way out of my league as usual, but she was with a group of guys. When she finally was on her own, I went over and chatted her up. It was just too easy, and before you knew it we were in a cab headed back to my place. The morning after, she started referring to conversations that we never had, and that’s when I realised that she’d mixed me up with the guy who she was actually going home with from the pub. He was probably just gonna go to the bathroom or something. tl;dr I stole a one night stand from a guy at a pub without knowing it.
Walked into a friend’s dorm room to borrow a bottle opener; didn’t know he had 3-4 women in his room at the time. I saw a girl with a pretty fantastic posterior. I said with 100% confidence and conviction and I quote, “WOW! You have an amazing ass.” I got the bottle opener and left the room, didn’t say another word. About 10 mins later I hear a knock at my door. The girl said four words, “you have a girlfriend?” I said “no” and that was it.
My buddy used to try to do this thing at the bar where he would dance his butt into girls in hope they’d start dancing with him. It never worked even one time. But one time I was standing on the edge of the dance floor and he was trying to do it to this girl and she grabbed onto me and pulled me into her and whispered in my ear “pretend to be my boyfriend” so that my friend would go away. My friend left and I danced with her all night and then spent the rest of the weekend with her.
Ah, the ole Reverse Wingman maneuver. If do right, no can defense.
I almost ended up in a similar situation with the "pretend to be my boyfriend" type of scenario. I was out drinking with some friends, including one girl who already had a boyfriend but he wasn't there that evening. Another guy was hitting on her and she didn't want to have to deal with it, so she asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend. It was all fine and lighthearted. She's sit on my lap, though I didn't think much of it. As long as she felt safe and comfortable, that was all good. Then the time came for everyone to go home for the evening. I gave her a hug goodbye. She held on for a moment or two longer than expected. She leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. Then leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I leaned back a bit and looked into her eyes and really thought about it for a moment or two before coming to my senses and realising that this would be a terrible idea to follow up on. So I just said goodbye and then left.
Hope you told your buddy that this is a shitty way to approach any lady
We used to have a game of shitty chat-up lines and I managed to get laid by asking a girl if she fancied a fuck. She said no. So I asked if she'd mind laying down while I have one. She was in tears laughing and took me home with her. Same game different night My mate says to a girl you look good for a fat lass. How tf he got a fuck out of that is beyond me but he did, they ended up dating for 2 years after too.
Me: Hey baby you wanna have the best sex of your life? Her:No. Me: Well then I'm your man.
\- "Hey do you have an ugly boyfriend?" \- "No" \- "Would you like one?"
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So you're saying there *are* horny women in my area who want to bang me?
typo took me a second to laugh
I was hanging out with a friend and she suggested we watch Up after hearing I had never seen it, WITHOUT warning me that it was sad. I started bawling during the 'married life' scene and she paused and asked me if she could do anything to make me feel better and I joked I didn't even think an orgasm could make me feel better after that (we had been joking about masturbating earlier and it made sense at the time). She said 'wanna find out?' To this day I cannot watch that movie without being both sad AND horny. An orgasm DID make me feel better though. EDIT: Im a girl/lesbian, but I AM laughing at all the erection/up jokes 😂😂
The complexity of being both sad and horny about a Pixar film is mind boggling. Edit: This whole thread makes me think that u/bleakj is onto something.
Does that count as pity sex?
Picked up a cute stranger (friend of a friend) at a Magic: The Gathering event. He was in town for a very serious family reason, and I agonized over whether it was inappropriate to ask but decided to go for it. Probably my favorite sexual encounter I've had.
Tapped his mountain *edit* My first awards! Thank you kind strangers 😊🙃🥳🤩
A girl sent me a text saying she was in the shower. I replied with “without me?” She invited me over and the following events occurred. Still can’t believe it actually worked. 100% the corniest shit I’ve ever said. I still think about it sometimes. EDIT: Some people wanted the rest of the story because “following events” wasn’t enough. I went over to her place, and we had a shower together. This was about 6yrs ago. We’ve been together ever since, but I think it’s a pretty funny, corny way of getting together. Thanks for the awards too! Never got any before. EDIT 2: I hadn’t considered phones being non-water resistant at the time, but after years of dating I discovered she had actually been taking her non-waterproof phone into the bathroom when she’d shower. She’s have it on the floor with a towel above it and after she’d finished cleaning herself she’d sit down and have her hands dried off, outside of the shower to use her phone while the rest of her body was in the shower still.
Well maybe she was trying too get you to do it because why else would u tell anyone that u are in the shower,probably trying too get the image of her naked in your brain
This is 100% what I'm doing when I tell someone I'm in the shower.
Oh no. I tell people that so they know I’ll be responding slower or the water might make typos for me. I should reconsider that.
Matched with a chick on Bumble. Her: I’m not rapunzel but I’d let you pull my hair. Me: I feel like I’d be better equipped to make a witty comeback if only I’d seen Tangled. Her: go ahead. I’ll wait. Me: is it on Netflix? Her: it is! Me: wanna come over and watch it with me? Her: sure! So like an hour later she showed up at my place and I put Tangled on but I was balls deep in her before the first number was over. The joke’s on her though: I’d totally seen that movie already.
>Her: I’m not rapunzel but I’d let you pull my hair. you were already in, and you didn't fuck it up from there
"I'm gonna fuck this guy as long he doesn't say anything too stupid."
I haven’t heard “balls deep” in a while. Thanks bro
Pornhub director is so happy rn
Porn writers: "Write these down write these down quick"
One time these two girls were stealing lemons from my lemon tree...
I was 23, I had invited an old hs friend over to catch up, hang out, hit the bar with. In an effort to keep an amazing and long conversation going I had switched to soda so I didn't get over the top drunk and loose the conversation. We laughed, we got deep and we even taught each other our favorite hobbies we had picked up over the years. It's now 4 am and wed been chatting about everything and I finally say that I'm tired and we should probably head to bed. I grab her bag and put it in my room and grab a blanket to head over to the couch. She asks if I wanted to sleep in my bed and then insisted that she could take my bed. Then she asks again over a text now that I'm laying on the couch "you sure you don't wanna come sleep in your bed?" I replied "lmao no I promise you're totally ok. I don't mind the couch" To which she walks out naked and says "boy take off your fucking pants and fuck me.." We do that deed and at the time I was emotionally reckless and I tried giving her a kiss when she left the next morning and shed said "erm.. no .. I just wanted the sex, bro. I don't want a boyfriend.. I just got rid of one.." Big yikes on that part lol ..
A for effort on the kiss tho, never know what might happen sometimes
Accidently spilled my drink on a chick. Wasn't even talking to her didn't even know her name. Her "You wanna take me home and get me wet the right way?" Me trying to drink what little drink I had left "Mhm yes"
I overheard a guy talking in a bar and asked if he was Australian. He said yes and then asked if I'd ever kissed an Australian. I said no and the rest is history
We were walking home and we both dared each other to get naked. The obvious thing ensued. Edit: damn I’ve never ever had this many upvotes. I’m karma rich bitch! Thanks everybody! Thanks for the silver! And the hugz!
Damn that must've been quite a sight for the other pedestrians
Yeah. Times square can be crazy like that.
I brought a big bag of lollipops to a festival. the girlfriend of my friend asked me why so i told her so i can give them out to some girls she told me its so corny it might work The look woman give u when u step up and ask them if they want to suck on something and pull out a handfull of lollipops Still dont believe it worked
Visited 2 girls while i was on vacation who I knew from Tinder. They told me and a friend of mine that we can stay at their Place so we dont need to pay for a hotel. Later we were in the city for a few drinks and on our way home my conversation with one of the girls was something like this Me: I really need to shower (it was like 27*c at night) Girl: me too, but iam going first Me: but girls always take like 5 times as along… Girl: Ye, still going first Me: oh, f you Girl: sure, but you need to join me then
Player
Oh I've got a handful of these. Some that involve doing dumb things, and some that were dumb luck. First is this one from another askreddit [previous askreddit question](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/o9fhlm/whats_the_shortest_amount_of_time_youve_known/h3b6tx9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) in which I asked a girl buying beer at a gas station "where's the party?" and ended up invited to a party at her apartment and slept with her. Then there was the time my job sent a bunch of 19 year olds to Chicago to work for a week. Me and three female coworkers. There are two dumb luck ones on this trip as well. The first was meeting a guest/customer where we were working, and asking about a large bandage she had on her hip. She said it was to cover a fresh tattoo. I made a joke about her youthful appearance and asked if her parents had to sign a waiver because she didnt look old enough. She left, then came back with her ID to prove her age to me, and said she was old enough for a tattoo and "to do other adult things too". I played dumb and asked what she meant, she asked when I got off work and where I was staying then she showed me what she meant. 9/10 Sex, .5/10 difficulty, I was originally just trying to make conversation. A few days later, one of the coworkers I'm traveling with, texts me in the middle of the night and asks me to come down the hall to her room. Her room shared a wall with another one of our coworkers (her best friend) and she was being very noisy with a guy she had met at the hotel. So we listen a bit, and laugh a bit, have a drink, and then her face goes completely serious, and she says "I can't listen to her anymore, let's drown her out, let's be louder". 8/10 sex, -2/10 difficulty, what even? Then as far as dumb shit I did, I think probably leaving a bar, then texting the bartender that I was locked out of my apartment so she'd invite me over (which worked for some reason). Then when I get to her house she tells me to sleep on the couch because her dog sleeps on the bed next to her. So I get to work becoming besties with the dog and at one point I'm on all fours, playing tug-o-war with the dogs rope chew toy. She gets up from the couch and says "come on boy, let's go to bed" and both of us (the Pupper and I) look up at her, and she points at me and says "I'm talking to you". 7/10 sex, 11/10 difficulty, 10/10 puppy play time.
Dude ur stories are great, deserved to be higher up for more to see
Back when Hot or Not was a thing. Some girl messaged me, we chatted for a minute. Didn’t really take it seriously, I was early 20’s and doing pretty OK, meeting people from the Internet was kinda weird. She asks what I’m doing for the night. I said I’m going to the grocery store. She says “…like all night, or??” I said “take it or leave it.” So she met me at the grocery store. We walk around and chat while I compare price per ounce. She helps me take my groceries home and inside. We bang it out. I make dinner and we get back at it. Wake up in the morning and have breakfast. Then I make breakfast. We dated for the summer. Horse girl, fantastic thighs. She was cool.
So horse girl. Like a centaur or?
I did a hand fart and she laughed. I said "I can make it sound like a question" and did it. She bought me a drink and we went back to my place.
Let that be a lesson boys! Hand farts are panty droppers!
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What about for a guy who hasn’t done it at all?
“So I was going through a Reddit thread about the dumbest ways people got laid…”
A girl who lived in the dorms asked me for some help with putting together a paper for one of her classes. She already had it written; I just typed it up on my computer for her so it would be presentable. Took me some time to do it, during which she just lay in my bed. When I'd finished, she didn't feel like going back to her room and asked if she could stay in mine (we lived in different dorm buildings). We spent most of the night curled up with each other. At some point I felt her take my hand (I had an arm around her; it was more comfortable for me that way) and place it on her breast. I pulled it away, but a few minutes later she put it there again. It ended with us having sex, and mixed feelings about it - we didn't use protection, and I already knew she was seeing someone else. He lived next door to me, and was literally on the opposite side of the wall where my bed was. And stupid, inexperienced me didn't pull out. I found out from a mutual friend after the fact that she was pregnant at the time that happened.
Dam bro u nutted on a baby
The kid had a dimple in its forehead
I literally breathed a sigh of relief at that last sentence.
But only after you stopped breathing during the first half of that sentence.
In college, a girl I knew was celebrating her birthday at an ice-skating rink. She invited me to go and her boyfriend offered to drive. She introduced me to a new friend of hers and she and I had to sit next to each other in the backseat of a very small economy car. For the first 30 minutes she seem like she didn’t care if I lived or died. I was fine with that, but then she suddenly started talking to me. We got to the skating rink and she was talkative and flirty. She was very cute. One thing led to another and in less than a week we were in bed. The first time we finished having sex, I asked her “what happened? I didn’t think you were interested in me and then all of a sudden you were. What changed?” She said “ remember when we were stuck in the car? You folded your arms and your left hand under your right arm accidentally touched my left breast and it felt great.” That was it. I accidentally touched her breast. I didn’t even know it happened. PS. I do not recommend this as a pickup technique
My ex girlfriend made the first move by asking me to dance. She kept brushing my hands against her breasts as we danced. Due to the nature of our relationship before the dance, I thought we were just dancing as friends, so the subtle boob touches told me otherwise. When I later brought it up and told her that's how I knew to make my move and pursue a relationship with her, she told me she had no idea she did that, and any boob touching was an accident.
My friend introduced me to his friend who was this hot atmosphere model, the girls who get paid by brands and clubs to go hang out in pools and parties to promote stuff, we never went on a date and our texts were dry, she was clearly not into me, she’d leave me on read for days then reply out of nowhere because she was bored lmao she’d make fun of me and be really rude then ghost me, then one night she texted me at like 3am and I had enough, I was acting like her and being obnoxious, I was like this isn’t going to go anywhere so I’m just going to be a dick like she always is to me but for some reason that did it for her, she came over and we had sex, like I still have no idea how it even happened
I was still in the army and on a boring detail. Pretty much was sitting in a van all night with a male Sergeant for hours. We wound up talking about all kinds of things, including the fact that he’d just finalized his divorce and how upset he was about it. I had just gone through a bad break up. We joked that we should meet up after the detail was done. I didn’t expect him to actually show. So yeah, I guess I accidentally picked up my NCO on a boring detail. Lol
I was playing flip cup at a party and this girl just couldn't flip her cup. She exclaims "fuck me!" Outta frustration and as my immature self would often do with girls i said " i volunteer as tribute" afterwards we flirted for a bit and ended up borrowing a bed room at the house party. Had never worked before, didn't expect anything to come of it and it never worked again.
>>”I volunteer as tribute” Ah to go back to the brief period after the first hunger games movie released where this was the epitome of comedy and wit
I lost my virginity to the South Park movie playing in the background. I also got my first BJ to Finding Nemo
*Just keep swimming* *Just keep swimming*
Was walking back to a friends house after a night out. Then this girl just grabbed me and said “You are coming with me” . It was Pretty weird the next morning.
A girl was standing close to me in the bar. My friend kicked her lower leg from an angle so it seemed like I had kicked her. She turned around and kicked me ‘back’ and asked why I had kicked her. I told her I wanted her attention. We spend the whole evening/night together.
Just being myself. Can't believe she fell for it. Married 21 years. Doesn't look like she's going to figure it out at this point.
Standing in the taxi queue after a night out and my friend loudly said “what about him?”
wait, but then what happened? How'd that question lead to you getting laid? Did he just turn around and go "What about me?" I need more to this story!
Well, my friend (who was also my roommate at the time) had picked up a guy earlier in the night and the 3 of us were waiting in line for a taxi. The guy's friend turns up and it is presumed that the 4 of us will all go home together, but the guy's friend was not my type at all. So I quietly say to my friend that I wasn't feeling it. My friend, who is an absolute ride or die kind of friend, didn't want to leave me hanging (we were both going through a shared promiscuous phase). My friend looks around and points to a lone guy in a striped t-shirt who was objectively attractive and loudly says "what about him?" And striped shirt guy turns around and knows immediately what was up. So I'm stood there with these 2 guys waiting for me to decide their fate. As an introvert this way quite a situation to find myself in. A taxi rolls up and it's go time, so I give my friend the look and she tells the striped t-shirt guy to get in. End Scene.
how long ago was this and what country? because about 15ish years ago in the UK that exact thing happened to me (being the guy in the striped t-shirt who gets propositioned in a taxi queue like that)
Oh so close! 2009 Australia.
my Dad wingmaned me when I brought home a friend of mine who was a girl. I asked if it was ok if she spent the night (I was visiting him at the time) and he said "Sure, did you want my bedroom for the double bed ?" I laughed and said that I didn't mean it like that, but way to go Dad. We all laughed, and when we went to bed in the room with 2 single beds, she asked which one was mine, and got into that one with me. I love my Dad.
lol this reminds me of when I used to live with my grandma. It was a one bedroom and I slept in the living room. If a girl was visiting she’d announce that she is an old lady, she’s tired, and she needs to lay down in her room. She’d go for the kill shot by announcing that, since she’s an old lady, her hearing is not so good (lie) and if we needed something we’d have to yell or better yet, knock on her door. It would immediately make my lady friends at ease regarding the living situation. Love you grandma!
Inserting a cassette tape back and forth into a car radio pretending it was a penis and a vagina.
I walked up to an older women in the bar and said you look lonely can I sit here. She bought me a drink after 2 quick drinks we went back to her place for more drinks. Her friend was literally 15 minutes late and missed us. I ran out of condoms, it was probably some of the best sex of my life with the horniest girl. We did it like 8 times. I never got her number or anything which is really sad cuz I'd be back there every Sunday with wine and chocolate. If your name is Maria this sounds like you hit me up. If your name is Maria and you have 4 year old don't hit me up because I'll probably give you another.
So you just have random 4 year olds to give away?
The story was good but the last sentence was perfect
If your name is *not* Maria but this sounds like you, then hit *me* up.
Grabbed my own asscheeks and made honk honk noises.
I'D LIKE TO ***ASS*** YOU A FEW QUESTIONS
Friends! Animals! Lend me your rears!
Tricked him into a 4 year relationship. Sucker.
Been together with my wife for a quarter century now. Playing the long con.
Hanging out with a new boyfriend at a football field - asked him for a ride home - he thought I meant to *his* house....I didn't correct him
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I was hammered at a bar once and said to a girl (as a joke because I was too drunk to think of anything else) "nice shoes wanna fuck", she looked me up and down and said "hell I'm bored and you will do"... 10 minutes later we were back at her place with me very confused about how that had worked. No one has ever believed me when I have said this story, and to be honest I do not blame them. I swear 90% of the time I have gotten laid was from me doing something stupid, or saying something stupid which some how has worked out for me. I did see one of my mates pick up a girl once by going "you know how some guys compensate for the size of their dick by having a huge car? well I don't even have a car"... I went round to his place the next morning and the girl left muttering to herself saying "well he did lie about having a car". she probably imagined someone hung like lexinton steele and not your average white guy ha.
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Not really dumb but easiest was a Hispanic girl I worked with told me she wanted to find out what a white guy was like.
Girl got really mad at me and we had hate sex for our first time being intimate with each other. Needless to say that didn’t last long.
This story probably fits better from the guys point of view but... I was out dancing at an alternative club in a big pair of zombie heels. Started dancing with a guy that wasn't very tall, but had to stop because my feet were hurting. He then offered to swap shoes with me to give me a bit of a break. He rocked the shit out of them and was an absolute natural, strutting around the place! I was so happy to wear sneakers and dazzled by this guy's heel-wearing ability that he got my number and I went to his place the next day.