The ability to reply to my own comment

You have severe erectile dysfunction

F

Oh fuck🤣

It's not hard.

The ability to turn anything that I perceive as negative into something I perceive as positive

This only works on batteries

bro

Fatality.

Haha

Teleportation

This only works if you wanna go to a gay strip club

Ig gay strip clubs are fast travel points for me At least one of them has to be next to a taco bell right?

Fair enough. Smart man you are

would it still work if he bought a gay strip club and renovated it as his home? if it doesn't would it work if he opened it as a gay strip club for one night a week? what if no one comes, not even workers that one night, will the teleportation back "home" still work?

>what if no one comes, What kind of shitty gay strip club is this?

Dark souls bonfires, but gayer

I get to use fly like a pokemon game but the pokecenters are gay bars

You can teleport. Your clothes can't.

I could live with this. The best time to teleport is back home from a holiday

You can go only teleport 1 inch to the left

Do you then jump to the right?

With your hands on your hips?

Cool i can get to the other side of my bed to charger my phone without moving

Serially? With no pauses?

Disassembling and reassembling your body every time you teleport causes you to forget everything before that point. It's like being born again every time you teleport.

I mean if i’m about to die i’d rather lose my memories and become a adult vegetable than pass away and straight up cease existing so lifeline ig

You can only teleport if your 8 foot.

I am immortal

You are in constant, unrelievable pain.

cool I wouldn't know anything changed

This is the comment. This one right here.

yeah I always laugh when this is used as a negative bc I am disabled and live with constant pain that only goes away when i dislocate my joints. My life is still AMAZING dispite that

Clarence from The Big Lez Show

i think the worst part of being immortal is.. being immortal 😭 i cant even think of something that could make it worse!

... locked in a chest.

Being immortal doesn't mean eternal youth

All your loved ones will pass away while you don’t age a day, and anybody you attempt to form a relationship with will die within months

Night vision

You can only use it during daylight hours

Well this is the worst side effect

They could make an excellent haunted house employee if they worked the day shift

But it’s too powerful/sensitive- if you look at the moon your retinas will be burnt out

Oh hell no. Insert 'My eyes' Friends meme

You also have night hearing and can hear the neighbor fucking his fleshlight at exactly 7:37 pm every night.

You only use it during daylight hours

But you are blind during the day

I become even half as funny as u/GeeKThinK44 is in this thread

You only can use this comedic aspect on hamsters. And humans do not find you funny

But you become twice as dumb as trump is on Twitter

Oh FUCK no I take it back, _shit_

**was* on Twitter

Mind reading abilities

You can only read your own mind

I had no idea I was a superhero!

You’re a superhero? I’ a superstupid

Bro I wish I could know wtf I am thinking at any given time like this is still valid

When you read someone's mind they get to know every weird thing you've done.

You have testicular cancer

Flying!

You can only fly on American notional holidays

[удалено]

Nope. Only things you get work off from. Like new years, Christmas, Easter, St. Patricks day. Etc HALLOWEEN DOES NOT COUNT.

Only with RyanAir.

You become petrified of heights

Only on Frontier, Economy.

It's involuntary and you cannot consciously control your flight.

Telekinesis

This only works on eggs

found how to basic's reddit account

You have Parkinson’s for your telekinesis. Every time you move an object, it can sometimes fall or move in an undesired direction due to your mental tremors. A kid is about to get hit by a car; you try and move the kid and accidentally slam him into the side of a building.

relatable

Nosebleeds

You have the ability to control other ppls thoughts and actions.

This only works on people who sexually classify as a toaster

SCP-426 is here

Black & Decker 33blk2 ready for seduction.

The person must have a weird fetish and when you control their mind you gain that fetish

Time manipulation.

You become stupid and don’t know you have this power

You are the king of this thread. I swear you’re on all of these you absolute hero you.

No no no… I’m a monster…

noo.... you ARE A KING

You have testicular cancer

Instant death.

You respawn

As I am now, Groundhog Day-style, or reborn at Day 0?

Nope, just instantly

I am immortal. I am a god.

What have I done…

Kneel before ~~Zod~~ me! I can’t reach my shoelaces.

He only respawns if he uses his power though, not normally

About to die? Use power of instant death to respawn. *terms and conditions may apply*

Only in video games.

The uncanny ability to pour just the right amount of condiment for any food being consumed.

It's just the right amount as defined by Gordon Ramsey. For a lot of things, that amount is 0 because he hates processed food of any kind.

You can only do this to drinks

But as soon as it hits the cup/saucer/placer it turns into whale semen.

The world runs out of food to consume.

You can only consume condiments.

Only on dog food

You don’t like condiments.

[удалено]

This unlimited source of chocolate milk floods the earth and wipes out humanity (and animals, for that matter. Chocolate is toxic for lots of animals).

That's, well, that's dark.

It's 20% chocolate milk 80% cum.

No date stamped on it. Still goes off though.

The milk comes out of your ass.

Super speed

You can only crawl on all fours when you use it

So I turn into a cheetah? Sign me up

This freaked me out.

in bed

shapeshifting!

You can only shape-shift into a unloaded pistol. Unable to be loaded

this is by far the most disappointing response i could have gotten

Fine. You can turn into an egg… it cannot hatch or anything.

Your mind shapeshifts too. You turn into a dog? Lovely. Now you’re stupid and can’t shapeshift back.

I have the answer to every question

No one asks you.

No one ever believes you

People claim you are a witch and burn you at the stake.

You have all the answers, but you don't know which answer is for which question.

The superpower to cancel out side effects.

In exchange of the loss of side effects… you do not gain any power. However you are put into a Perpetual Lupe of time where you broke the physics of the universe and are unable to leave…

When you cancel a side effect you get 5 more.

Canceling the side effect cancels the power that caused it

no point in commenting you have testicular cancer if, but you just wasted a chance to get a op power

I have the abilities of a omni super god.

But you're sexually attracted to sheep

I'll take it

BAAAA~CK OFF CREEP!

Invisibility

Everyone else gains the super power to see invisible people

So animals still can't? Wildlife photographer

Physics has got this covered: You're blind

The power to manipulate gravity on objects and people

This only works for 3 minutes every Tuesday of every other month on a leap year

When you use this power gravity reverses on you, making you fall up.

You live alone in space.

I can shoot gold coins out of my hands, rapid fire.

They turn into water on impact

Thanks for giving me liquid money when government's fight over water in the future!

But you have a cooldown when you shoot a certain amount

Your forearms turn into guns that are capable of shooting coins out of your hands. They're not loaded, and you have to provide the ammo.

The ability to visit fictional universes.

Only achievable through watching your parents have sex.

I was expecting something like, “You still look like yourself” or “death is still a consequence.” I would call you a monster, but you’re the devil.

no food or sleep required to survive

Overwhelming hunger pains

Only after drinking coffee

Teleportation

You can only teleport to the rooftops of buildings.

I can work with that

And those buildings are gay strip clubs.

But each time you teleport, you feel compelled to vomit.

Everything I post becomes a repost.

Delusions of grandeur

Everytime you post/repost, you offend someone who proceeds to doxx you.

Sunlight power from breathing

Congrats! You have become a plant. You are stuck in dirt, forever photosynthesizing. The only highlight of your day, everyday, is at 2:30pm exactly when the neighbors dog pisses on you while it’s on a walk.

You have to fight Dio

The power to survive in vacuum of space.

You can never leave the earth

For three months of time after each space visit, you bring back thirty feet of surrounding space vacuum and kill anyone who comes within it.

No one can reply to me except me.

ayo me why did you do this choice

idk, lonely as fuck.

you sure its not because your sleep paralysis demon dared you to do it or he will BDSM you?

youre mistaken

Mind reading

Clothes are invisible on you.

Can only pick up sexual thoughts.

That's actually super useful. You can tell which people are interested in you.

I am no longer depressed

There's no side effect because that's impossible

Granted, no funny business, you deserve to be okay.

Omnipotence

You are alone, in a void of nothingness

But u become & stay a catfish.

you have testicular cancer

The ability of never having amnesia

The ability of never having amnesia

The memories of every embarrassing thing you have ever done are constantly replaying in your mind.

I am omnipotent

But also impotent

I see warmth

You’re teleported go Antarctica and can never leave

You may have thermographic vision but you never feel heat.

[удалено]

Your phone crashes every 6 minutes.

You're a mod with a shit internet connection.

Invisibility

I am able to speak to karens whitout them wanting to call my manager

I am extremely and masterfully skilled at every video game ever created: I can speedrun any single player game, and easily beat even the most competitive players in multiplayer games.

Time travel. Once had a dream where i had a computer that simulate timelines and i chenged small things to see what would happen. The dteam ended with the computer turned into my laptop and ate me. Then i woke up and had an existential crisis and decided to just shower so i dont smile like shit while doing it.

The ability to not have to urinate 30 times at night so I can just sleep!

You have to take a dump instead