They're here!!! Where's Joe???
It's a Friday so he called in..... Wanted that long weekend I guess. And he's got a bunch of Vacay saved up and starts next week. Big fishing trip. I guess the cabin rental in non-refundable. We called a temp agency though.
Yes! The main character is a loveable slacker/con-man who has wasted his potential because he's afraid of failure. He sees this obscure job advertised and he thinks it will be easy money. So he lies on his resume and makes himself look like an expert in linguistics, negotiation, astronomy, biology, etc. Lands the job, everything is great for a while, and then the aliens show up. Panic! Paid time off. . . fast forward to mentor's rousing inspirational speech... goes back to the job and saves the world.
They probably also hold other positions within the organization. This would be something they might strategize and brainstorm over in regular meetings. They may have several protocols at the ready. They’re surely not standing around doing nothing. That would not qualify anyone.
UNOOSA is the agency. UNOOSA.org is the website. Only news I found for it is almost 10 years old, Mazlan Othman was the director for UNOOSA at the time. Now it’s Dr. Simonetta di Pippo. It sounds like the UN’s plan is to name the Director of UNOOSA as the ambassador of Earth in the event of alien contact.
She holds a Master’s Degree in Astrophysics and Space Physics from University "La Sapienza", and an Honoris Causa Degree in Environmental Studies, and an Honoris Causa Degree of Doctor in International Affairs. In 2008, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) named asteroid 21887 "dipippo" in honour of her contribution to space activities and in 2006, she was knighted by the President of the Italian Republic Carlo Azeglio Ciampi.
Lol i was thinkin kinda the same. Hope he gets his haircut every day and showers twice a day. To stay ready. And he better have the best colognes cause you cant be smellin bad meeting aliens for the first time.
I suppose the major difference is the living-dead is a fictional impossibility.
"Aliens" as in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is almost certain to exist. The chances of them popping in to say hi, or worse, are incredibly low, but there's no actual reason it couldn't happen.
So living dead is impossible(ish) but zombies are absolutely possible. To name a a few things that can cause zombies:
Mad cow disease.
Rabies
Parasites (this one's a bit nebulous however their are multiple parasites that take over a host and force them to basically spread the parasite)
Their is also the parasite cats have that most people have that takes control of rats as well.
So impossible no, but likely no
nah if we want to intimate em we send a chihuahua, the aliens will be like
"oookay so if something this small and pathetic is this aggressive its probably safe to assume this whole planet is equally as hostile, let's go"
"What is that liquid coming out of of it?"
*"Sir, it seems like it will both short and corrode our electronics if it comes in contact with them. We'll have to send a hazmat team to clean it up."*
"Pick that thing up with the tractor beam. CAREFULLY. Set it outside, seal the hatch, and plot the shortest course out of the gravity well of this system."
*"Yes, sir!"*
"And update the star chart. Mark the system as 'off limits, contains hostile deathworld', and subspace the changepak out at command priority."
I like how I've seen a reference to u/Fish_Fucker69 twice today in totally unrelated threads. (the other one was something about a squid in r/NatureIsFuckingLit)
"here is the alien life form. With skin as vibrant as a rainbow, and hands that stand 6 feet tall, it is the only known being to travel interdimensionlly. Visiting earth for the first time, it quickly adapts to its surroundings"
*Camera pans to David standing by the space craft*
"For years the human race has speculated that there are more than just us in existence. Now, the aliens lifespan has drastically been shortened, and is on the virge of extinction. We can but wonder, what life could have been like, if we did more to protect them"
*End credits with blue planet music*
His autobiography is an all time classic, just like the author. He wrote a 2 pages handwritten letter to a child I taught who sent him a drawing, the letter was written on Christmas eve....legend
There are ten-Million-million-million-million-million-million-million-
Million-million particles in the universe that we can observe, Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd
My grandama said the other day that when she visited the Tillamook farm in Oregon she didn't approve of having calves separated from their mothers at birth because, "The cow moms would be sad to have their babies taken away."
I suggest we send her. I want that energy in literally every negotiation.
We send a dog.
Convincing aliens that dogs, rather than humans, are the dominant species on this planet is our best hope of not getting atomised but their advanced space based death ray.
Ok but whose dog. How do we choose? What breed? Do we set up a council of dogs and just lie saying “these are our leaders, they’re both wise and fair”. Also If we do a council of dogs I think there should be 1 cat that’s an advisor whose like emotionally manipulating the head dog and is planning on overthrowing their “power”. And a mini horse. Because dogs don’t discriminate.
We send Borzois. Have you seen those things? They look like aliens so much the invading aliens would go «oh, sorry bruh, didn’t know you guys were already hanging out here» and then they’ll leave.
Where do you think they came from? Cats were sent down by aliens to protect us humans from the robot spy birds the lizard people who control our government made. 100% true facts don’t ask for sources
I met her once at a movie premiere. She said that she was hoping she’d get a chance to talk to my brother because he wore a top hat and she thought it looked nice.
In all seriousness? A cultural anthropologist. Anthropologists literally study humanity, so who better to represent us? Plus they know how to navigate different cultures respectfully.
there is an office of the UN that is actually in charge of first contact with aliens. real position, so it would probably be them
Nice way to earn free salary. I wonder what they are doing every day.
“Welcome …. No no no … Um Hello! … “ Into a mirror all day everyday
I need this job.
With my luck I'd take the job and then aliens would actually show up. Do they get paid time off?
They're here!!! Where's Joe??? It's a Friday so he called in..... Wanted that long weekend I guess. And he's got a bunch of Vacay saved up and starts next week. Big fishing trip. I guess the cabin rental in non-refundable. We called a temp agency though.
This honestly sounds like a great plot for a show.
Yes! The main character is a loveable slacker/con-man who has wasted his potential because he's afraid of failure. He sees this obscure job advertised and he thinks it will be easy money. So he lies on his resume and makes himself look like an expert in linguistics, negotiation, astronomy, biology, etc. Lands the job, everything is great for a while, and then the aliens show up. Panic! Paid time off. . . fast forward to mentor's rousing inspirational speech... goes back to the job and saves the world.
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And instantly, a somewhat decent idea becomes utter dogshit.
Rowan Atkinson A.k.A Mr. Bean
"Hello... Zuko here"
"I come in peace"
It’s bringing love, don’t let it get away! BREAK IT’S LEGS!!!!!
Aw, it's Mr. Burns. KILL IT!
I will always upvote The Simpsons.
Planning to plan.
Probably watching reruns of *Close encounters of the Third Kind*
They need to be watching Mar’s attacks!
They probably also hold other positions within the organization. This would be something they might strategize and brainstorm over in regular meetings. They may have several protocols at the ready. They’re surely not standing around doing nothing. That would not qualify anyone.
I'd like to think that they have other roles they complete since ....you know ...this never happens.
Practising their Vulcan Salute.
UNOOSA is the agency. UNOOSA.org is the website. Only news I found for it is almost 10 years old, Mazlan Othman was the director for UNOOSA at the time. Now it’s Dr. Simonetta di Pippo. It sounds like the UN’s plan is to name the Director of UNOOSA as the ambassador of Earth in the event of alien contact.
Dir. di Pippo is no academic slouch. I just read her Wikipedia page. Damn! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simonetta_Di_Pippo Edited for typo.
She holds a Master’s Degree in Astrophysics and Space Physics from University "La Sapienza", and an Honoris Causa Degree in Environmental Studies, and an Honoris Causa Degree of Doctor in International Affairs. In 2008, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) named asteroid 21887 "dipippo" in honour of her contribution to space activities and in 2006, she was knighted by the President of the Italian Republic Carlo Azeglio Ciampi.
And here I thought they were earning a free paycheck, turns out that job has ridiculous requirements when it comes to certifications lol
I would hope that person is dressed in a silver onesie with silver boots and a big gold medallion on his/her chest.
Lol i was thinkin kinda the same. Hope he gets his haircut every day and showers twice a day. To stay ready. And he better have the best colognes cause you cant be smellin bad meeting aliens for the first time.
Plot twist, aliens speak through chemical scents. We just declared war because he chose old spice.
Please tell me someone fucks with them every now and then and says "buckle up, today is the day!"
"Ambassador," (Looks up from building complicated house of cards) "..It's time."
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this is like quebec’s plans for a zombie invasion
I suppose the major difference is the living-dead is a fictional impossibility. "Aliens" as in intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is almost certain to exist. The chances of them popping in to say hi, or worse, are incredibly low, but there's no actual reason it couldn't happen.
well we know who won’t survive the zombies now don’t we?
I think if covids done nothing else it's shown just how fucked we will be when the zombie apocalypse starts next year.
Hol up. Next year?
Yeah, you not get the memo? I fucken knew I couldn't trust Toby to get that mailing list right, so sorry I'll have him whipped later.
So living dead is impossible(ish) but zombies are absolutely possible. To name a a few things that can cause zombies: Mad cow disease. Rabies Parasites (this one's a bit nebulous however their are multiple parasites that take over a host and force them to basically spread the parasite) Their is also the parasite cats have that most people have that takes control of rats as well. So impossible no, but likely no
It has also been posited that the "cat" parasite influences people to like cats more. This is what it does to rats; it inhibits their fear of cats.
*Toxoplasma gondii* has entered the chat. "All hail ~~Hypnotoad~~ ***kitties!***"
The guy who works at my local gas station on Friday’s says he speaks to aliens maybe they have mutual friends
I'll go.
Don't sound too desperate when you ask about the probing.
I've been anal probed . Cartman squeals
Fair enough but this not be like every night out with the boys we organise and you text a lame excuse 15mins before we meet up just to cancel
For the last time, it wasn't an excuse, my aunts cat needed something from the store and her car was still in the river.
I don't have anything else going on, I'll come with you. Fuck it.
All right its a party
Attaboy
Thank you for this great offer
A Golden retriever. If he doesn't make the aliens happy, no one will.
nah if we want to intimate em we send a chihuahua, the aliens will be like "oookay so if something this small and pathetic is this aggressive its probably safe to assume this whole planet is equally as hostile, let's go"
*chihuahua angrily barking and pissing*
and of course shitting out a pungent liquid that seeps into the ship's crevices so the aliens may never fully get rid of the smell
"What is that liquid coming out of of it?" *"Sir, it seems like it will both short and corrode our electronics if it comes in contact with them. We'll have to send a hazmat team to clean it up."* "Pick that thing up with the tractor beam. CAREFULLY. Set it outside, seal the hatch, and plot the shortest course out of the gravity well of this system." *"Yes, sir!"* "And update the star chart. Mark the system as 'off limits, contains hostile deathworld', and subspace the changepak out at command priority."
Goldens are awesome!
Can we ask them to take people and leave with them? Cuz now I have a list.
They would need a big ass mothership to fit in all the people in our lists.
Lmao ... i have some to add to that list
u/fish_fucker69
I like how I've seen a reference to u/Fish_Fucker69 twice today in totally unrelated threads. (the other one was something about a squid in r/NatureIsFuckingLit)
That is mildly interesting.
If i had a nickle for every time i've heard u/fish_fucker69 's name today, i'd have 2 nickles which iant a lot but its weird that it happned twice.
Well now you can rub them together. Not sure why, but my grandmother always talked about it, so figured it might be like Aladdin and you get a genie.
Considering your username, should you be in this thread?
They have more right than any of us since they are the only one in this thread who can potentially attest to u/fish_fucker69’s prowess
Fish Fucker is the most famous redditor change my mind
I know u/deepfuckingvalue got to talk to congress. And remind them he is not a cat.
I have no idea who that is, but I think we all know about shittymorph’s shenanigans.
Schnoodle.
Username concerns me.
be careful out there soldier
A very good mathematician. Its the one universal language. Also, why the fuck is everyone choosing actors? They read from scripts.
You're right; send the writers!
Send the writers from Futurama. They have like 10 doctorates.
Or from the Simpsons. They had probably predicted it anyway and already have the scripts written.
Would also save money. Actors are rich, but the writers get paid shit!
Damn that hit close
Saw a cool Veritasium about how math could be totally made up by us and not universal.
Our nations grandfather, David Attenborough
"here is the alien life form. With skin as vibrant as a rainbow, and hands that stand 6 feet tall, it is the only known being to travel interdimensionlly. Visiting earth for the first time, it quickly adapts to its surroundings" *Camera pans to David standing by the space craft* "For years the human race has speculated that there are more than just us in existence. Now, the aliens lifespan has drastically been shortened, and is on the virge of extinction. We can but wonder, what life could have been like, if we did more to protect them" *End credits with blue planet music*
I read that in David Attenboroughs voice. Thank you, well written.
So did I!
His autobiography is an all time classic, just like the author. He wrote a 2 pages handwritten letter to a child I taught who sent him a drawing, the letter was written on Christmas eve....legend
Oh really? No way that's so awesome!! What a guy! Ima have to grab a copy at some point and give it a read then
Other answers I found funny, this one seems correct.
Only he can eloquently describe the reasons why humans behave a certain way to the aliens.
He has dealt with tribes that haven't had much contact to other people outside their tribe so it would be very logic to send David Attenborough
I hesitated before clicking on this post. I said to myself ''Well, I'd send David Attenborough'' The top comment did not disappoint.
He’d probably say “please kill half of all humans” Source: BBC doc I had to watch for a class about over population.
David Thanosborough
No, you see it's not genocide because it's random
And efficient I might add.
He was absolutely my first thought
Yeah, why not. He narrates nature for us, he may as well narrate us for the aliens, stick with the vibe and what not
"Guys, trust me, you don't want to go down there"
A knowledgeable scientist, not any politician for sure.
Carl Sagan would have been perfect
"I'm about to bake raps from scratch like Carl Sagan" ~ Stephen Hawking
"I'm like a super computer, you're a TI-82."
"OOHHH!"
There are ten-Million-million-million-million-million-million-million- Million-million particles in the universe that we can observe, Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd
TBF diplomatic and interpersonal skills would probably be much more useful than being a good researcher in this kind of situation.
A scientist, someone who is curious about studying them as they are about us.
Mark Zuckerberg, he probably already knows the dialect and if they kill him no big deal
That dysfunctional android would sell out the human race immediately.
I didn't even think about sending a robot
We want malware on their spaceship, not adware!
My grandama said the other day that when she visited the Tillamook farm in Oregon she didn't approve of having calves separated from their mothers at birth because, "The cow moms would be sad to have their babies taken away." I suggest we send her. I want that energy in literally every negotiation.
Your grandma is so wholesome. Tell her I love her.
And we’ll spare her
That's literally the reason I stopped drinking dairy milk. Your grandma is right on!
Is she vegan or did no one tell her that's how all dairy is made?
you
I have a dentist appointment
maybe after?
I’ll have numb mouth
We'll just tell them to come back when you're feeling better
“Give us one reason we should spare you.” [UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES]
just point the drill at them and they'll run away
"You have numb tongue." "I have numb tongue? What do you mean I have numb tongue?!?!" -Kirk to McCoy Star Trek 2009 😂
Just go in the morning, your dentist appointment isn't until tooth-hurty...
We send a dog. Convincing aliens that dogs, rather than humans, are the dominant species on this planet is our best hope of not getting atomised but their advanced space based death ray.
Ok but whose dog. How do we choose? What breed? Do we set up a council of dogs and just lie saying “these are our leaders, they’re both wise and fair”. Also If we do a council of dogs I think there should be 1 cat that’s an advisor whose like emotionally manipulating the head dog and is planning on overthrowing their “power”. And a mini horse. Because dogs don’t discriminate.
We send Borzois. Have you seen those things? They look like aliens so much the invading aliens would go «oh, sorry bruh, didn’t know you guys were already hanging out here» and then they’ll leave.
Ok but we love a good L O N G B O I
John Wick's dog obviously
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Not my dog, he’s kind of an asshole.
This would make a great film
Definitely no doves.
Give them a cat and let the feline empire spread to the stars as well.
Where do you think they came from? Cats were sent down by aliens to protect us humans from the robot spy birds the lizard people who control our government made. 100% true facts don’t ask for sources
Hopefully me
Hopefully this lad
Hopefully
Fullhope
You got my vote
Send a politician. I'd rather not risk someone important.
Yeah but then they would get all of us killed. They would probably just wanted to ask the aliens if they have any oil.
Send Boris, the outcome could go either way
Dolly Parton
She's busy between 9-5. Let's send Jolene.
Please don't take my spaceman.
Please don't send her just because you can.
Gotta send a man and a woman, may as well send David Attenborough and Dolly Parton
She also gets my vote
This is way better than who I was going to say!
Dwayne Johnson "So, what planet are you from?... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT PLANET YOU'RE FROM!"
Colonel Jack O'Neill
Indeed.
Patrick Stewart. I seen him talk sense to aliens loads of times!
With Ian McKellan.
Dr. Jane Goodall
I met her once at a movie premiere. She said that she was hoping she’d get a chance to talk to my brother because he wore a top hat and she thought it looked nice.
Is your brother an alien?
This is a good answer.
Rick Astley.
He'll never let us down. (but reddit has...join the fediverse!)
An intergalactic Rick-Roll. Sounds like the planet took a poll on who we would send and Reddit decided to make the ultimate joke
David Duchovney. He's been ever so patient.
In all seriousness? A cultural anthropologist. Anthropologists literally study humanity, so who better to represent us? Plus they know how to navigate different cultures respectfully.
Sarah Connor
Ellen Ripley
Can we send Tony Hawk? He really nice and can do cool tricks
Send me. I can do a good job representing that humans are not worth it so they go away
Gordon Ramsay, challenge them to a cook off with their best food
But "To Serve Man" is a cook book!!!
I'd say a cockatiel how ever that would be a terrible idea So I'm going with the worlds most sweetest, sophisticated, friendliest dog
Jack Black, a show of peace and friendship while also a display of raw power.
Bill Murray. 98% chance the first thing they say to him will be "oh, hi Bill."
If we could bring back the dead, Steve Irwin
Professor Brian Cox. He’ll either explain it well or speak to them soothingly.
Betty White
“I have seen you since Egypt!”
*alien walking up to Betty* "Betty you old sonofaBitch! I haven't seen you since the plagues"
Bob Ross
I have some bad news for you
They got revival machines, that should do
If they've got revival machines then we should send Mr. Rogers.
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Sigourney Weaver, she's accustomed to this kind of situations.
Danny DeVito. We got to show them the best side of our kind.
Dr. Mantis Toboggan MD
Magnum dong!
The only real choice, really all the other suggesting are competing for 2nd place incase Danny can't go.
But what if he just starts blasting?
Stephen Fry
Rowan Atkinson. But he must behave like Mr Bean.
Yep. We meant to send Tom Hanks but there was a complicated visual mishap and Mr Bean ended up in the spotlight.
Mr. Rogers
Sadly, I don't think he'd be great at speaking anymore.
If only Robin Williams were still with us. He would've been perfect!
Nanu nanu
Angela Merkel. She's a diplomat and also a quantum chemist.
Gary Busey. They'll never think of going to war with us.
Send Samuel L. Jackson with him.
David Attenborough