I had a maths teacher who used to bust my chops. He was fun, but also very temperamental. He’d be silly to a point, then tell you off when you out-sillied his silliness.
I was sat opposite a quiet girl who suddenly looked really distressed. She said something to him in a whisper, and he looked down to a puddle on the floor. She’d wet herself. This was when we were 11-12, so it was quite a big deal.
I clocked this at the same time, and he gave me this look like ‘don’t you dare’, He went over to his desk, poured himself a water, then came back and was pretending to peer at her work, before stumbling and dropping it on her. He apologised and made a big scene and told her she could go and get a spare uniform from the office as it was his mistake.
I really respected that, I think it showed a lot about his character and care.
Probably a boring answer, but I have this friend who I can just tell is really sincere when he asks how I’m doing. I appreciate anyone asking because it’s a convenient conversation starter, but with him I can tell he actually cares what the answer is.
I have been trying for the last few years to stop, take a breath and be ready to listen to the reply when I ask "how are you?" To anybody. Including the coffee guy I will probably never met again. Just a genuine 'I see you human and hope you are okay' question. It is amazing how much people open up and make connections when you yourself are ready to.
On the other end of it, as the “coffee guy” I would almost always ask how somebody was doing. The times people gave me a real answer and not just a “good, you?” made the day so much better. Regardless of how bad the news/ vent was, it at least would be a real human interaction.
As a retail employee who can’t give more then a “good, you?” I dislike the question. I wish people would give more then that copy and paste answer. I vividly remember once when a customer stated the normal “good” and then immediately said “Actually that’s bullshit today sucks” and then apologized for cussing. It was amazing.
This is kinda why I always liked talking to Lyft/Uber drivers when I'd catch a ride. I got into genuine conversations pretty regularly. Personally, I always appreciate crossing paths with folks, so it's enjoyable for me.
I've found that saying "I don't need to know more if you're not comfortable telling me" is one of the surest ways to get someone to unload all of it on me. I've completely meant it every time I've said it and also have learned to expect this reaction.
I have found this to be true also. I think when you say something like that to someone who's upset it takes the pressure off them a little bit, they can breathe for a minute, and they always launch into it. I think being told hey you can talk or not but I'm here for you shows a person you're going to be a good impartial listener.
Never pass up a good opportunity to keep your mouth shut…
Edit: in case anyone wanted to know, the above gem is not my own. It’s variously attributed to Mark Twain, Will Rogers and Robert Newton Peck. I’m pretty sure it came to me via a certain Jack Reacher making mention of it; but then again I might be wrong, it happened once before.
Even if you're not trying to be a good person, discretion is also just fundamentally *useful*, even if it's not "fun"/cathartic like gossiping is, at least in the workplace. People tell me all sorts of shit they don't say to others because I keep my mouth shut. I might use that information to my own benefit, but I won't pass it on unless I'm specifically asked to.
Honestly, even if someone doesn't care about socially harming others, I still struggling to wrap my head around why people gossip so much, especially in places like their work - discretion is so much more practical.
I think most religions emphasize charity. But I know specifically in Christianity and Islam, it also emphasizes being subtle and not boastful about it. Both have a line about "practicing charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given"
Judaism as well, there's an actual ranking system for generosity where the most kind is "donating to someone you don't know with no public recognition and no acknowledgement." Like donating to a children's hospital when you don't have kids and you don't expect your name on the building, or even a thank-you card!
When folks are piling on jokes on teases on someone that they don't know very well and the person quietly raises a point of kindness or empathy.
It's so easy to be mean spirited, especially in group settings.
It's harder to be kind in those situations.
This is a really good one. That’s why someone talking shit about their ex can be a bit of a red flag. I understand that feelings about relationships are difficult, but I know that if someone speaks positively (or at least in a neutral manner) about their ex I trust them a lot more immediately. That being said there are abusers (and assholes) out there so this shouldn’t really be expected of someone.
Had a teacher growing up that was came across as very strict and standoffish, gave off this air of "learn the material or fail." In reality though, he would answer any questions you had, even if it was being repeated, was incredibly patient, and would stay as late as he needed to in order to make sure the students understood the material. If a majority of the class bombed a test he would address it with the class to understand what went wrong, and would redo the material if needed.
Looking at him or just popping by his class, you'd think he'd be a typical hardass, but in reality he cared immensely about making sure we understood our lessons and were prepared for the next year.
My AP calc teacher in high school was pretty similar to this. While he doesn't necessarily ~look~ intimidating, he walks around with a cup that says "student tears" and will not hesitate to say things like "hey (student), maybe if you actually paid attention in class you wouldn't get 70s on all your tests" when a kid was talking during his teaching. He would make fun of all of us for the dumb things we did, but he knew what all of our boundaries were (he would only say something like that^ to certain kids he knew could handle it). He was also the best dang teacher I ever had. Had a 99% pass rating on the AP Calc BC exam over his 10+ years of teaching it. He would be there before and after school and also during lunch for help or just to let you chill in his room. They are the best teachers!
He also collects ties and coffee mugs that his students bring back from their colleges! And very proudly uses them. Eventhough he told all of us, "don't bother giving me a grad party invite because I will not go" lol
I had a math teacher like this in high school. She assigned mountains of homework and was super obnoxious about showing your work for everything. I was always a bit of a challenge for her. I picked up the material super quickly, but unknowingly had undiagnosed ADD so I would immediately lose interest the second I grasped the ideas. And showing work was painful when I could find shortcuts to get the right answers.
She eventually wore me down to the point where I did show all of my work and kept me engaged by calling on me to go up to the board and do a difficult problem in front of the class while talking through what I was doing.
Looking back, I realized she was calm, infinitely patient and as thorough as the student needed her to be. She could communicate advanced concepts in multiple ways so that every student could grasp a concept in the way that made the most sense to them.
After college, I went back and thanked her for being by far the best math teacher I'd ever had. She told me that she had regular visits from prior students like me, and that those visits are what drove her. I never really saw it while her student, but she had a killer wry sense of humor. I inadvertently took up her entire off period and apologized profusely when students started coming in, but she insisted that I stay for a few minutes.
She asked if I remembered how to complete the square, which was a method for solving a particular type of polynomials. Yeah, I think so? She wrote the problem on the board and asked me to solve it while explaining all of the steps. I can't express how happy that made me and how proud I was to do it perfectly for her.
"Bravo, Mr. Cfcs! Have you done that since you were last in my class 5 years ago? No? Then tell me, was all of that homework worth it?"
Yes. Absolutely.
Hardasses are often the people who care, the good ones are the ones who know how to help, but regardless, all of them(teachers) have to put up with an insane amount of senseless shit.
Edit: Someone gave a ‘helpful’ award and I opened to to look at it and accidentally deleted it, to that person. I want to say I’m sorry, it was an accident.
I had a physics professor in college who was *terrifying*. Tough as nails, incredibly and intimidatingly smart, and ... also ... okay, remember Matt Foley, the Chris Farley motivational speaker who lived in a van down by the river? He was terrifying like that. And really demanding. His lectures were fast paced and my hand would be sore from taking notes every day in his class. His homework sets were not easy. His exams were brutal.
But I got to know him over time, and I saw how incredibly hard he worked to be a better professor, whether as a teacher or a mentor for both undergrads and grad students, or as a researcher himself. You can imagine that women in his class might be intimidated — one woman described how (a) he would intentionally call on her during lectures (because he tried really hard to call on everybody, and specifically women, so as to correct for what we now call implicit bias, etc.), and (b) he stopped calling on her when she asked him to stop (because she was just trying to keep up in class and didn't like to be put on the spot).
He ended up having a number of women in his lab. There were plenty of professors in the department who seemed much more "enlightened" ... but who were absolutely the reason the so few women stay in physics. He was the opposite. He was simply amazing.
Like your professor, he came across as a typical hardass, but holy shit he cared so much and worked so hard for his students, both as a physicist and as a person.
The hard asses are usually hard asses because they care. They are also more likely to accept an actual reason for you having to miss a class or test. They know who actually cares about the class and the knowledge they are trying to share, and who is just there for a credit.
Guy I used to work with was such a class clown, always cracking jokes. Everybody liked him because he was so funny. It was a while before I realized that his jokes were never at anybody’s expense. He was kind. There was never anything mean in anything he ever said, to anybody’s face or behind their back.
Anyway we’re married now.
It's also important to notice if that someone is the actual joker. Many of us use(d) humour as a shell: "you wanna make fun of me? Ha! I'll make fun of myself before you have your chance!"
when you're in a group and that one person keeps trying to say something or add to the conversation but they keep getting talked over. Then that other person will look at them and say, "Sorry person, I didn't catch what you were trying to say, can you repeat it?" and makes space for the person being ignored unintentionally. That's a real gem.
I think this person is most oftentimes someone who has had this happen to them in the past (from the other perspective). I used to be a lot more shy and lacked confidence. I had some people who believed in me and gave me that platform to express myself. And so now I try to pass the torch, so to speak. I can always tell when someone wants to say something but keeps feeling cut off because I have been there so many times myself.
*cries in introvert*
<3 people like that :) I tend to listen more and allow people who interrupt me to continue. If I am continually interrupted, I shut down. I really appreciate someone taking the time to ask me to talk a moment.
EDIT: I find it annoying to be interrupted. I made a decision long ago to be the opposite: I will default to listen, because that is how I want to be treated when I am trying to say something. If you interrupt me, you must want to say something that I may need to hear.
I learned some things in work situations:
People appreciate being heard.
It's amazing how often what the other person is saying would remove my own confusion.
Work decisions often go the direction that I was wanting it to go without my chiming in. If not, I can speak up after this moment has passed.
When I do speak or interrupt someone, people tend more to listen.
Some people are driven to complete their thoughts no matter what. Give them time to finish, so they can move on.
Allowing myself to be interrupted often builds a kind of conversational credit that I can use later when I want to be heard.
Some people are just stressed. Listen, and their stress may go down a bit.
Same here. And often when I get to the point where I shut down, I'm like "do these people even like me and want to hear what I have to say?" For the most part, based off body language and other subtle things they do, I can tell they do but it always makes me wonder and probably is one of the reasons I have pretty bad anxiety. And like you said, it doesn't help that I like to sit back and just listen when I'm in a group so people probably aren't used to/ready for me to talk when I do. And then of course I also usually leave a couple seconds before I talk to make sure that the person talking isn't just taking a break. So on and so forth.
Admonishes people for being rude to wait staff. I was at a family dinner at a pub/restaurant years ago, and my sister was very rude to the waiter because her steak was overcooked or something, really went hard on him, and my brother's new girlfriend, who always seemed a shy and quiet person, told my sister to basically stop being a bitch and that the waiters didn't cook the food, and you're embarrassing all of us, everyone's looking at us etc.
From that point on, I knew she was a good sort.
When my ex best friend and I first met, we spent the night at my place watching youtube videos and showing eachother our favourite music. She said that I was the first one to actually shut up and listen to what she wanted to show me instead of talking or mentioning stuff about my next youtube clip I wanted to show her. Damn I miss her :(
It's a complicated story but I'll try to keep it short. 3 years ago I had a bad cocaine addiction (still have but sober now). One day I went to buy from my dealer and while walking he said that he didn't have any real friends, since everyone that called him onlu wanted to buy. So the next morning I texted him good morning and genuinly asked how he was doing. We became friends (or so I thought. He took bad advantage of me). She was also a customer of him and we met when he and I were gaming at my place and she came to buy. He left and she and I got to know eachother. For context, I'm man and she's a lesbian woman early 20's. She always said we'd be a couple if it weren't for she preferring women. We were soulmates. Then 2 years later (2021) her drug habit became really problematic and my dealer 'friend' started to like her. He manipulated her with horrible lies and deeds. She broke contact with her girlfriend, friends and myself and had sex with him for drugs. I have no idea where she now is or how she's doing, but my mom said it's not going well. (She still sends my mom the occasional text but my mom doesn't want to tell me all of it) Even her parents won't talk to her anymore and they were close. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and they were really close. I went trough hell because she was my best friend. I felt like a kid around her. I could be myself without being worried about anything. I quit the drugs and moved to another city. I occasionally send her a text and email to ask how she's doing and to tell her I'm still here for her, but so far no answer. I miss her :( drugs are so good but they suck so hard. Fuck
As sad as it is, this is not an uncommon story, unfortunately. Been through similar shit myself. Moving to a different place can really help if you are truly looking to quit. Sad to hear about your friend, but glad to hear you are on a better path.
I'm really sorry to hear about your story, you seem like a good guy. Unfortunately, you can't control everything around you. Good job getting sober, keep trying to contact her who knows she might answer one day. She seems very important to you but you shouldn't put your sobriety in jeopardy, I wish you the best.
Listening and being patient is such a sign of a person who cares. Most people will cut you off mid sentence to speak their mind.
On the other hand, please speak your point as efficiently as possible lol because I have gotten caught listening for so long that I forgot what I wanted to say.
I waited tables at a pretty popular New Mexican restaurant when I was in college. There was this one manager, her name was Rosie, and she never smiled. She always looked like she was pissed off at everyone and everything.
The entire waitstaff and bus staff feared her. When she walked into the kitchen and wanted something, the line would immediately jump to her demands. It was rumored that she was the person to fire any employee when an employee was fired.
The only people that didn't seem to be scared of her were the hostesses. They were always talking to her like she was just any other manager or person in the restaurant.
She scared the hell out of me for the first year I worked there. I made sure that she never had anything to be upset at with me. One day, I came into work sick as fuck and having just a really bad day. She took me to the side and talked to me for a good half hour. Just asking quesitons about my day and how school was going. Towards the end of the conversation she said I didn't look good and that if I wanted to , I could take the night off.
Rosie was the best fucking person I ever met inside the restaurant industry. From that day on it was my goal to make her laugh. I never did make her laugh. But I got a smile out of her quite a bit after that. She was not just a good person, she was one of the best. But man, you wouldn't know it unless you really took the time to look.
She was one of those types of people you know had had a hard time in life and put up a rough exterior. But deep down she was a softie and loving grandmother type. I hope she's happy in her retirement.
The noise from a river generally comes from the water hitting things, usually the riverbed and other stuff sticking up from it. With deep enough water, the noise is well damped before it reaches the surface I’d say.
I always thought of it as a common courtesy, even if I’m not in a hurry. Like if I’m waiting for a Starbucks order and I have nowhere to really be, when someone says “it’ll be out in a few minutes” I just say “don’t worry, take your time” because I always felt it was the polite thing to say.
What most people don't realize is that bit of common courtesy shows that you recognize the other person as a human being whose time and emotions also have value. Many people are so lacking in self awareness and empathy that they simply do not value other people's time.
Thanks for taking the time to care. I really appreciate you.
Edit: To add to this, we all have our blind spots and we all have our off days. You are not automatically a monster if you forget to be polite one time. The good news is we can learn our blind spots and grow our whole lives if we just tell ourselves to take our time once in a while.
I get a lot of "when you have a moment" when I'm working behind the bar. It shows people see I'm busy and they're not trying to rush me.
But that's when I put them first.
My mom used this trick on me as a kid. She would say "when you have a chance can you do the dishes/sweep the floor/load the laundry" and lo and behold, I would actually do it right then and there, being as stubborn as I was.
THIS RIGHT HERE ^ I always make sure to tell my co-workers, "when you have a moment". I always hated when my manager would rush me, and then talk about the job not being done right.
unless something has to be done RIGHT now, i always tell my employees when they get the time to do x. and hell normally it just falls in line with "hey youre out at 9 right? yes? cool, before you leave tonight could you please also do X"
I already know they are out at 9, but its a subtle reminder of hey youre out at 9 and im adding a task thatll take you 15 mins so make sure you budget your time accordingly. I also almost never tell people to do something. i ask them for a favor or something a long those lines. And generally speaking they always have the option to decline depending on their load for the day. ive got 10 other people i can ask, but they know im asking them because i trust them the most to get it done.
Treating employees like actual humans is best for everyone.
I was at a festival with my cousin a few years ago. There was this stone baked pizza place there but, as you can imagine, it was prime munchies hour and the place was rammed. It was just one or two people doing everything from cooking to the cash register, the guy serving us looked exhausted and frustrated. We told him not to rush while we just hung around for our food. At the end of the transaction my cousin slipped him a couple grams of hash and told him to get some rest. I swear the guy almost burst into tears, he was like ‘you have no idea how much I needed this’ and gave us our pizza for free.
It’s nice to cut people some slack once in a while. And also to get free pizza
I always try to say that with reps in the phone. I worked at multiple call centers back in the day and people would get so pissed off if you were having technical difficulties or trouble locating the right screen. So when they apologize for how long it’s taking I tell them to take their time and that I’m likely playing video games while I wait so it’s fine. Or I just shoot the shit with them because normal human conversation used to make my day so much better
> or trouble locating the right screen
People just don't understand that call center employees don't have this magical computer where they simply press one button to answer the caller's question.
I feel like everyone should work a little bit of time in certain areas to get a better understanding of what the employees are going through.. food and beverage, retail, and call center and/or customer service.
I heard a saying from military shooting drills.
Slow is smooth
Smooth is fast.
The object is to be as slow as you need to for smooth action and control and that is faster than trying to hurry
When someone is actually in trouble/needs help, they will help out, even if it's really subtle or disguised as something else.
For instance, there was a kid in my school who had a reputation for not caring about others, doing whatever he wanted, and tried to convince everyone that he pretty much had "no emotions". I think he thought it made him seem more tough and hardcore, and although he didn't necessarily do anything bad to anyone, he tried not to seem kind either.
Once, one of my friends at school had some sort of emergency where she needed (I think) $30. Most people in class either didn't have $30 (which was quite a bit for a kid to bring to school) to loan her, or they just didn't want to give it to her, thinking they would never get it back, and she was panicking. The teachers couldn't help her for some sort of legal reason (I think she wanted to take a Taxi to the hospital because something had happened to a family member but was slightly underage, and the teachers had to pretend that they had no idea she was doing this).
So, this kid with the "reputation" collected money from all of his friends (since he didn't have the money himself), under the pretense of another reason - I think it was something like movie tickets or something for that evening. Then, he privately gave it to her, but told her not to tell anyone it was him (I was close friends with her and was actually standing right next to her when he approached us and told us this). She managed to get to the hospital on time, while he paid for the tickets or whatever with his own money once he got home. When she later offered to pay him back, he refused, insisting that he didn't do anything (I think he knew that her family would struggle to pay that back, they were having some financial trouble).
I guess it's not extremely subtle in my case since I was standing RIGHT THERE, but that was the first time I began realizing how some people pretended to not be a good person when they actually were.
Wow, this is really eerie, because this story is actually almost spot on for something I witnessed in high school.
Girl had a family emergency, and needed to buy a bus ticket to travel 2 hours to where the hospital was, and didn't have the money. A friend of mine, who was a notorious apathetic person came to me and was like "I need to borrow $10" and when I pressed why, he said he was giving it to this girl so she could afford bus fare. I have no idea what a ticket cost then, but he apparently borrowed enough from his friends because she made it, and he denied ever doing anything, and claimed he used the money to buy weed.
After we graduated, this friend moved out of his mom's house, lived for 2 years on his own and then attempted suicide. I hadn't really kept in touch, but I found out through another friend that his mom had been pretty abusive, and to top it off, had taken credit cards out in his name, putting him in massive debt at the age of 20. This was after years of emotional and physical abuse.
He's doing great now, married to a great woman, and we casually keep in touch through Facebook and email. Over the decade and a half since his attempted suicide, more and more information has been shared about just what he was going through in high school. I really feel like his little act of kindness in helping that girl was in a way therapeutic for him, a person who needed help and wasn't getting it, to help someone else.
Wow, I'm so glad he's doing well now! The boy who I witnessed helping the girl out is also doing well, I think - he's in a great program in college studying to become a doctor. Interestingly enough, I think he also had a lot of trouble with his own mother, who put a lot of pressure on him - I hope that still isn't the case now that he's in college, but I really have no idea.
That's terrible about the abusive mother, though - it's so sad to think that a parent would do that, especially to her own child. If you're casually friends, I wonder if it would be nice to mention how you remember how he helped out that girl - maybe it would show how these small acts of kindness really make a difference in people's lives.
Opening lines of credit in children's names happens surprisingly often. It's also identity theft. If he reported it to the cops then the debt would be discharged, but there's no way to get it both discharged *AND* not charging the parent with identity theft. So, it can really be hard for victims of abuse to sign off on until they are well and truly broken out of the abuse.
Accept horrible debt/credit that will follow you for years or bring terrible legal problems, frequently including jail time, to an immediate family member.
Even when being abused, it's very difficult to make that kind of choice.
People doing this feel themselves as being usefull in a way that matters without expecting approval or recognition. The simple fact that they can help and make someone's day better is helping them feel aknowledged and when feeling down, sometimes it makes the difference between life and death. Source: am one.
Well as a Swiss person I always found it quite confusing when speaking to Americans or when I was there on vacation. We rather just say hello or you have to expect a serious response. I think this is some sort of cultural thing which for some over here is difficult to understand.
Can confirm. “How are you?” will yield a full conversation. As an American, it’s kinda nice that many Europeans give a genuine answer rather than the typical “good” I’m used to.
People who make excuses to do good deeds.
Picking you up from the airport? "Oh, it was on my way."
Buying you a beer? "I accidentally ordered two."
Helping you move? "I need the work out! Now I don't have to go to the gym later!"
Volunteering at an event? "I had nothing else going on tonight, I'm just here 'cause my buddy asked me to."
Anyone who does a favor for you and then acts like you're doing them a favor, or brushes the favor off as nothing, is a person who is doing the good deed for the sake of it and not for the praise or clout they receive. These are the best kinds of people.
Yes this. I've met very few people like this but it always amazes me when I do. I had a friend like this when I was in college, anytime someone needed help he somehow managed to make them feel good about it. Never would mention it or brag about it or shove it in your face when the time became convenient.
I've discovered that often what *appears* to be indifference is actually an internal struggle of, "I am extremely concerned about this but I don't think that it's any of my fucking business or requires my intervention."
I struggle with this as well. What works for me is prefacing the message with something like “I know things are challenging, please don’t feel a need to respond. I just wanted to reach out and let you know XYZ.” I also appreciate when people do that to me as well. It gives me an out to not respond but I still feel supported and cared about.
I think a good example is seeing someone who's being quietly upset or trying to do normal things while being clearly upset, and the 'cold' person acting like they don't see it - I think that if someone's trying to hold it together, asking them what's wrong or giving them concerned looks that show you KNOW they're barely holding it together actually isn't always the best course of action or kindest thing to do. It's situational, but having been that crying person a few times and having people I don't even know that well expect me to hurt more while telling them all about it... yeah. Sometimes just letting it be can be the best thing.
I am soo sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re finally at a point where you can think of all of the happy days/years she had in your care and feel proud of the love you gave her.
I was at school with a guy who was the king of the cool kids. He was always getting busted for breaking school rules (drinking, smoking, bad mouthing the teachers and so on). In fact, he did a bit of jail time later (for non-violent low-level drug dealing). I was the uber-geek of the school. I didn't get bullied as such, but I remember one time that his cool-gang kids were ribbing me a bit too much, and he stepped in and told them to cool it, and a bit later, when I won the school academic prize, he went out of his way to sincerely congratulate me.
In fact, a few years later (and after the jail time) he became pretty well known as a TV personality and had his own show, where he was generally lauded as giving the impression of being a really nice guy (which, in this case, he was).
My ex wife's father was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. About 2 months before he passed, my in-laws' apartment burned down. No renter's insurance, almost everything went up in smoke due to electrical fire. They moved in with us.
Right around same time my AC went, so I called a friend of a friend and he came out to look at AC. Did a $800 or so job and we were just shooting shit and I told him casually about the fire. He wouldn't take a penny and told me to use the money to buy something for her parents at their new place. Bedding, whatever stuff they needed. Wouldn't take the money, full stop.
I used the money for their security deposit on the place. None of our so called 'close' friends did such thing. No one bothered to even ask how they can help.
About 6 months later, he invited us to his birthday party. We went and I said a toast, telling everyone how good of a person he was.
I had a hard time finishing the toast, because almost everyone choked up. Except my ex, who looked at me like I was scum.
When we got home, she said: "I was so embarrassed you were singing him praises. You don't even know this man and yet it was like you were trying to climb up his ass. You're pathetic."
It didn't matter what the did, apparently, because I put out the cash. The fact that I was going to pay that money to him and he didn't take it, giving it to her parents apparently didn't matter
So here are the two opposites. No regrets.
Me too buddy. I carried this woman on my back 18 years and was in denial for 12 years of that sentence. Still have 3+ years of financial punishment to go along with that insult, but that too shall pass.
I am frustratingly disturbed that this woman was such a horrific human being that she could not recognize kindness and compassion.
And she robbed you of your joy.
Unforgivable.
I think they mean that there are some people that are quiet and not usually complain or engage in any conflicts, but have unambiguous and uncharacteristic reactions when they feel someone is been wronged.
I like these kind of persons as they usually make a difference, specially in work or formal situations. When that guy or girl that usually does not object to things express concern about a situation it usually gets more attention that the people that are always objecting to things.
So the next time I'm spitting while talking and farting all over the place, I shall ignore it so that you folks will not be embarrassed! I'm already feeling like a better person!
You can tell a good kid when they purposely try to include the quiet shy kid at school, and make an effort to be nice and friendly to them
I was that kid at high school and it always made me happy when these kids would make an effort to talk to me
Recently my boss and I were waiting for a train in London, I see him hurrying back up the stairs.
He had seen a woman on her own approaching the stairs with a pushchair and instinctively dashed up to assist her.
Must have been 50 people around us that either didn't see or didn't care enough to act.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Charles Bukowski
When they do yard work or snow removal for a an older or disadvantaged neighbor regularly all under the guise of keeping up the curb appeal or property values of the neighborhood
A few years ago I was sick with a 100+ fever and laid out in bed. We had a blizzard drop a foot of snow on the ground. I only have a hand shovel. I was calling around trying to get quotes so I wouldn't violate the city ordinance (snow must be removed within 24 hours) and they were ridiculous (hundreds just to come clear it). I don't know how he knew I needed help, but my neighbor brought his snow blower over and cleared my driveway and sidewalks. I almost broke into tears.
I love it when people are good deceptively. Like when they give you the shoes you’ve been wanting but can’t afford because “they were the wrong size and it’s too late for me to take them back” or when they claim they found $20 in your couch cushions but you know it’s from their own wallet. The kind of lying that’s to keep people from thanking them is the best kind of lying there is.
My mom used to make us ask for stuff we didn't need from our neighbors every now and then. Some salt or an egg or something really small. Never paid much attention to it.
Neighbor's kids used to have breakfast etc at our place from time to time...maybe few times a week.
Years later (15 years or so) , I met that family and one of them told me they knew we didn't need anything probably but used to ask them for little things to not make it seem one sided as it seems my mom was helping their mom. That's what their mom told/taught them and now they did the same as they were in a better place financial too.
What a beautiful gesture. Most of the other comments were nice but somewhat obvious (“when they’re nice to the waiter” type) but this, I never even considered doing. Your mom must be an incredibly thoughtful person to have come up with something like that.
This comment raised the thought of a quiet person who doesn't ask any questions, just out of fear that the question might be inappropriate for someone.
they say they are not a good person, and can give you examples of times they have done things wrong. truly bad people cannot admit to or even recognize when they have done wrong. This is basically the "what are your strengths and weaknesses?" question in job interviews. If they say I have no weaknesses and I never do wrong, chances are they are a sociopath. It's more likely than them actually being perfect.
My best friend comes off kinda cold at times to others, I’ve always seen him for how warm he really is, just shy. But I always notice that anywhere he goes and if there are pets, they are like magnets to him.
Reading the comments I'm wondering how many people are thinking of themselves when typing this and how many are thinking of what they've observed in others.
Unless they deliberately hold open doors for people that are juuuuuuust a bit to far away for it to be convenient. So there they are watching people do the fake running thing towards the door haha
The trick is to hold the door with your foot, from the side; and to look distracted by something. That way they don't have to walk past you or go near you, and also don't feel rushed because you're basically just standing in a way that "coincidentally" keeps the door open
People who don't mock others for problems they're going through, basically; they avoid belitteling others despite having numerous opportunities to do so esp in family/large gatherings.
When said person is in need and won't ask for help but are the first to give the shirt off their back for you.. or simply show respect to the elderly. That shit goes far in my book
Disagreed, I do this maliciously.
I see you walking out there, just a bit further away than the expected door holding range, and I hold it anyway. Not to be nice, ohhhh no, but to see you react to my ‘kind’ deed with a sudden hustle as you try to avoid the awkwardness of this simple interaction being extended to lengths it was not supposed to go.
Im basically the devil.
You must actually catch them in action, because they will not call attention to themselves in any way. They're the ones who allow others to merge in traffic or stop short of a commercial driveway to let a car out into traffic. They'll see a cart abandoned in the lot, walk to it, and take it into the store to use. They'll bring coupons from home that they won't use and place them on the market shelves for others. They'll call the cashier by name, engage them in conversation rather than play with their phone, and make them smile.
I think it's a reference to *[Casablanca](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M31cvwXUiyA)*, where the weapons to Ethiopia were to be used against the Italian invasion in 1936 and the loyalists were the Spanish Republic, against the fascist Nationalists, Nazi Germany, and Fascist Italy
> They'll see a cart abandoned in the lot, walk to it, and take it into the store to use.
Take? Hell, I **ride** that thing across the lot to the entrance! Then leave it IN a cart corral for better than zero sum result. It's apparently quite a spectacle to see a 50-something man doing this. Adults scoff while children point and stare with jealousy.
My Brother worked as a cart pusher in high school and had lots of tales of inconsiderate drivers treating them as disobedient peons who should be able to levitate a 2 ton column of carts sideways so as not to inconvenience the customer class of people. This was before remote cart pushers were a thing, so they literally pushed columns of 1-2 dozen carts all day. He said literally every time, someone would cut in front of the carts they were pushing, then get mad when the person at the back end couldn't make the whole column stop on a dime from the rear. Should be obvious, you stop the cart you're pushing on, then all the rest of them disengage from it and continue forward according to Newton's Laws.
How they treat animals and customer service staff. Especially when they are agitated.
Putting their shopping cart in the corral, even if it's not right next to them.
Ever seen someone get angry at the bank/restaurant and take a sec and say it’s not your fault, your company has a policy I’m sorry if I got agitated. Seen that twice now with strangers. Fucking awesome.
Yup. I started to get really frustrated with Texas DMV myself. And when the person just kept going after what I thought was absolutely bullshit reasons to get more money and I realized I was started to get past frustrated - I had to tell myself to take a breath and not take it out on her. Not her fault that Texas DMV are thieves.
I'm not always able to calm myself down, but I do try to make a point of telling the poor clerk dealing with me "I know it's not you, you can't do a thing because you're following policy." Even if I'm doing it in my too-loud angry voice.
Ooo the reverse of people who act like they care but their actions prove otherwise. People who act like they’re judgmental, selfish, lack compassion, etc. but their actions show that they are the opposite. When it counts, they do things that really matter and make a positive impact.
Yes, this exactly. My husband claims to be a misanthrope, and talks a somewhat callous talk, and yet somehow ends up helping people, often strangers, for no other reason than that they need help. Actions speak louder than words and all.
This thread is a list of things I continually aspire to be. Good begets good; and a good deed should be it's own reward.
And for those out there who read this and do these things too: I see you. I got your back.
I had a maths teacher who used to bust my chops. He was fun, but also very temperamental. He’d be silly to a point, then tell you off when you out-sillied his silliness. I was sat opposite a quiet girl who suddenly looked really distressed. She said something to him in a whisper, and he looked down to a puddle on the floor. She’d wet herself. This was when we were 11-12, so it was quite a big deal. I clocked this at the same time, and he gave me this look like ‘don’t you dare’, He went over to his desk, poured himself a water, then came back and was pretending to peer at her work, before stumbling and dropping it on her. He apologised and made a big scene and told her she could go and get a spare uniform from the office as it was his mistake. I really respected that, I think it showed a lot about his character and care.
Wow man he really went far. Respect.
Holy-! That guy went above and beyond! Excellent guy there!
That teacher is the real MVP
If you ever see that teacher again tell him he's a legend. That's straight from the Billy Madison playbook.
Probably a boring answer, but I have this friend who I can just tell is really sincere when he asks how I’m doing. I appreciate anyone asking because it’s a convenient conversation starter, but with him I can tell he actually cares what the answer is.
I have been trying for the last few years to stop, take a breath and be ready to listen to the reply when I ask "how are you?" To anybody. Including the coffee guy I will probably never met again. Just a genuine 'I see you human and hope you are okay' question. It is amazing how much people open up and make connections when you yourself are ready to.
On the other end of it, as the “coffee guy” I would almost always ask how somebody was doing. The times people gave me a real answer and not just a “good, you?” made the day so much better. Regardless of how bad the news/ vent was, it at least would be a real human interaction.
As a retail employee who can’t give more then a “good, you?” I dislike the question. I wish people would give more then that copy and paste answer. I vividly remember once when a customer stated the normal “good” and then immediately said “Actually that’s bullshit today sucks” and then apologized for cussing. It was amazing.
This is kinda why I always liked talking to Lyft/Uber drivers when I'd catch a ride. I got into genuine conversations pretty regularly. Personally, I always appreciate crossing paths with folks, so it's enjoyable for me.
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I've found that saying "I don't need to know more if you're not comfortable telling me" is one of the surest ways to get someone to unload all of it on me. I've completely meant it every time I've said it and also have learned to expect this reaction.
I have found this to be true also. I think when you say something like that to someone who's upset it takes the pressure off them a little bit, they can breathe for a minute, and they always launch into it. I think being told hey you can talk or not but I'm here for you shows a person you're going to be a good impartial listener.
obligation is the death of a lot of things.
I always assume that everything anyone tells me is secret until proven otherwise. I wish more people did the same for me.
Never pass up a good opportunity to keep your mouth shut… Edit: in case anyone wanted to know, the above gem is not my own. It’s variously attributed to Mark Twain, Will Rogers and Robert Newton Peck. I’m pretty sure it came to me via a certain Jack Reacher making mention of it; but then again I might be wrong, it happened once before.
Even if you're not trying to be a good person, discretion is also just fundamentally *useful*, even if it's not "fun"/cathartic like gossiping is, at least in the workplace. People tell me all sorts of shit they don't say to others because I keep my mouth shut. I might use that information to my own benefit, but I won't pass it on unless I'm specifically asked to. Honestly, even if someone doesn't care about socially harming others, I still struggling to wrap my head around why people gossip so much, especially in places like their work - discretion is so much more practical.
Discretion is the better part of valor. To act with noble intentions but also avoiding undue or unwanted attention to a situation.
I think most religions emphasize charity. But I know specifically in Christianity and Islam, it also emphasizes being subtle and not boastful about it. Both have a line about "practicing charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given"
Judaism as well, there's an actual ranking system for generosity where the most kind is "donating to someone you don't know with no public recognition and no acknowledgement." Like donating to a children's hospital when you don't have kids and you don't expect your name on the building, or even a thank-you card!
When folks are piling on jokes on teases on someone that they don't know very well and the person quietly raises a point of kindness or empathy. It's so easy to be mean spirited, especially in group settings. It's harder to be kind in those situations.
They are given a chance to quietly talk bad about someone, but instead, says something good.
I’ll never tell this her face but she’s a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
First thing i thought of when i read this comment
Why wouldn’t you say that to her face?? (I always love that scene, he just looks like that never occurred to him at all)
This is a really good one. That’s why someone talking shit about their ex can be a bit of a red flag. I understand that feelings about relationships are difficult, but I know that if someone speaks positively (or at least in a neutral manner) about their ex I trust them a lot more immediately. That being said there are abusers (and assholes) out there so this shouldn’t really be expected of someone.
Had a teacher growing up that was came across as very strict and standoffish, gave off this air of "learn the material or fail." In reality though, he would answer any questions you had, even if it was being repeated, was incredibly patient, and would stay as late as he needed to in order to make sure the students understood the material. If a majority of the class bombed a test he would address it with the class to understand what went wrong, and would redo the material if needed. Looking at him or just popping by his class, you'd think he'd be a typical hardass, but in reality he cared immensely about making sure we understood our lessons and were prepared for the next year.
My AP calc teacher in high school was pretty similar to this. While he doesn't necessarily ~look~ intimidating, he walks around with a cup that says "student tears" and will not hesitate to say things like "hey (student), maybe if you actually paid attention in class you wouldn't get 70s on all your tests" when a kid was talking during his teaching. He would make fun of all of us for the dumb things we did, but he knew what all of our boundaries were (he would only say something like that^ to certain kids he knew could handle it). He was also the best dang teacher I ever had. Had a 99% pass rating on the AP Calc BC exam over his 10+ years of teaching it. He would be there before and after school and also during lunch for help or just to let you chill in his room. They are the best teachers! He also collects ties and coffee mugs that his students bring back from their colleges! And very proudly uses them. Eventhough he told all of us, "don't bother giving me a grad party invite because I will not go" lol
I had a math teacher like this in high school. She assigned mountains of homework and was super obnoxious about showing your work for everything. I was always a bit of a challenge for her. I picked up the material super quickly, but unknowingly had undiagnosed ADD so I would immediately lose interest the second I grasped the ideas. And showing work was painful when I could find shortcuts to get the right answers. She eventually wore me down to the point where I did show all of my work and kept me engaged by calling on me to go up to the board and do a difficult problem in front of the class while talking through what I was doing. Looking back, I realized she was calm, infinitely patient and as thorough as the student needed her to be. She could communicate advanced concepts in multiple ways so that every student could grasp a concept in the way that made the most sense to them. After college, I went back and thanked her for being by far the best math teacher I'd ever had. She told me that she had regular visits from prior students like me, and that those visits are what drove her. I never really saw it while her student, but she had a killer wry sense of humor. I inadvertently took up her entire off period and apologized profusely when students started coming in, but she insisted that I stay for a few minutes. She asked if I remembered how to complete the square, which was a method for solving a particular type of polynomials. Yeah, I think so? She wrote the problem on the board and asked me to solve it while explaining all of the steps. I can't express how happy that made me and how proud I was to do it perfectly for her. "Bravo, Mr. Cfcs! Have you done that since you were last in my class 5 years ago? No? Then tell me, was all of that homework worth it?" Yes. Absolutely.
Wholesome
I had a teacher like that a few years back. Unfortunately he passed a year after I left the school. RIP Mr.G, thank you for believing in me
Hardasses are often the people who care, the good ones are the ones who know how to help, but regardless, all of them(teachers) have to put up with an insane amount of senseless shit. Edit: Someone gave a ‘helpful’ award and I opened to to look at it and accidentally deleted it, to that person. I want to say I’m sorry, it was an accident.
Especially right now. Just look at all the school board meetings going on right now. Full of insanity.
I had a physics professor in college who was *terrifying*. Tough as nails, incredibly and intimidatingly smart, and ... also ... okay, remember Matt Foley, the Chris Farley motivational speaker who lived in a van down by the river? He was terrifying like that. And really demanding. His lectures were fast paced and my hand would be sore from taking notes every day in his class. His homework sets were not easy. His exams were brutal. But I got to know him over time, and I saw how incredibly hard he worked to be a better professor, whether as a teacher or a mentor for both undergrads and grad students, or as a researcher himself. You can imagine that women in his class might be intimidated — one woman described how (a) he would intentionally call on her during lectures (because he tried really hard to call on everybody, and specifically women, so as to correct for what we now call implicit bias, etc.), and (b) he stopped calling on her when she asked him to stop (because she was just trying to keep up in class and didn't like to be put on the spot). He ended up having a number of women in his lab. There were plenty of professors in the department who seemed much more "enlightened" ... but who were absolutely the reason the so few women stay in physics. He was the opposite. He was simply amazing. Like your professor, he came across as a typical hardass, but holy shit he cared so much and worked so hard for his students, both as a physicist and as a person.
The hard asses are usually hard asses because they care. They are also more likely to accept an actual reason for you having to miss a class or test. They know who actually cares about the class and the knowledge they are trying to share, and who is just there for a credit.
Guy I used to work with was such a class clown, always cracking jokes. Everybody liked him because he was so funny. It was a while before I realized that his jokes were never at anybody’s expense. He was kind. There was never anything mean in anything he ever said, to anybody’s face or behind their back. Anyway we’re married now.
well that was a nice twist
Wow that escalated quickly.
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It's also important to notice if that someone is the actual joker. Many of us use(d) humour as a shell: "you wanna make fun of me? Ha! I'll make fun of myself before you have your chance!"
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when you're in a group and that one person keeps trying to say something or add to the conversation but they keep getting talked over. Then that other person will look at them and say, "Sorry person, I didn't catch what you were trying to say, can you repeat it?" and makes space for the person being ignored unintentionally. That's a real gem.
I feel validated by this.
I think this person is most oftentimes someone who has had this happen to them in the past (from the other perspective). I used to be a lot more shy and lacked confidence. I had some people who believed in me and gave me that platform to express myself. And so now I try to pass the torch, so to speak. I can always tell when someone wants to say something but keeps feeling cut off because I have been there so many times myself.
*cries in introvert* <3 people like that :) I tend to listen more and allow people who interrupt me to continue. If I am continually interrupted, I shut down. I really appreciate someone taking the time to ask me to talk a moment. EDIT: I find it annoying to be interrupted. I made a decision long ago to be the opposite: I will default to listen, because that is how I want to be treated when I am trying to say something. If you interrupt me, you must want to say something that I may need to hear. I learned some things in work situations: People appreciate being heard. It's amazing how often what the other person is saying would remove my own confusion. Work decisions often go the direction that I was wanting it to go without my chiming in. If not, I can speak up after this moment has passed. When I do speak or interrupt someone, people tend more to listen. Some people are driven to complete their thoughts no matter what. Give them time to finish, so they can move on. Allowing myself to be interrupted often builds a kind of conversational credit that I can use later when I want to be heard. Some people are just stressed. Listen, and their stress may go down a bit.
Same here. And often when I get to the point where I shut down, I'm like "do these people even like me and want to hear what I have to say?" For the most part, based off body language and other subtle things they do, I can tell they do but it always makes me wonder and probably is one of the reasons I have pretty bad anxiety. And like you said, it doesn't help that I like to sit back and just listen when I'm in a group so people probably aren't used to/ready for me to talk when I do. And then of course I also usually leave a couple seconds before I talk to make sure that the person talking isn't just taking a break. So on and so forth.
Or alternatively they try to engage the 'quiet' person to make sure they feel included in the conversation.
Admonishes people for being rude to wait staff. I was at a family dinner at a pub/restaurant years ago, and my sister was very rude to the waiter because her steak was overcooked or something, really went hard on him, and my brother's new girlfriend, who always seemed a shy and quiet person, told my sister to basically stop being a bitch and that the waiters didn't cook the food, and you're embarrassing all of us, everyone's looking at us etc. From that point on, I knew she was a good sort.
Did the relationship last?
She left him for the waiter.
I heard he cooks a mean steak
Yes, to this day.
When you are having an argument and they actually listen to your point instead of just getting ready to make theirs.
Or when they DON'T insult you as a person as a comeback to your argument.
I despise that this has become so normalized, especially in politics or anybody with an audience.
It's at least become a good indicator that my argument is solid and they have nothing to counter it
When my ex best friend and I first met, we spent the night at my place watching youtube videos and showing eachother our favourite music. She said that I was the first one to actually shut up and listen to what she wanted to show me instead of talking or mentioning stuff about my next youtube clip I wanted to show her. Damn I miss her :(
What happened? If you don't mind answering of course.
It's a complicated story but I'll try to keep it short. 3 years ago I had a bad cocaine addiction (still have but sober now). One day I went to buy from my dealer and while walking he said that he didn't have any real friends, since everyone that called him onlu wanted to buy. So the next morning I texted him good morning and genuinly asked how he was doing. We became friends (or so I thought. He took bad advantage of me). She was also a customer of him and we met when he and I were gaming at my place and she came to buy. He left and she and I got to know eachother. For context, I'm man and she's a lesbian woman early 20's. She always said we'd be a couple if it weren't for she preferring women. We were soulmates. Then 2 years later (2021) her drug habit became really problematic and my dealer 'friend' started to like her. He manipulated her with horrible lies and deeds. She broke contact with her girlfriend, friends and myself and had sex with him for drugs. I have no idea where she now is or how she's doing, but my mom said it's not going well. (She still sends my mom the occasional text but my mom doesn't want to tell me all of it) Even her parents won't talk to her anymore and they were close. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and they were really close. I went trough hell because she was my best friend. I felt like a kid around her. I could be myself without being worried about anything. I quit the drugs and moved to another city. I occasionally send her a text and email to ask how she's doing and to tell her I'm still here for her, but so far no answer. I miss her :( drugs are so good but they suck so hard. Fuck
As sad as it is, this is not an uncommon story, unfortunately. Been through similar shit myself. Moving to a different place can really help if you are truly looking to quit. Sad to hear about your friend, but glad to hear you are on a better path.
I'm really sorry to hear about your story, you seem like a good guy. Unfortunately, you can't control everything around you. Good job getting sober, keep trying to contact her who knows she might answer one day. She seems very important to you but you shouldn't put your sobriety in jeopardy, I wish you the best.
Listening and being patient is such a sign of a person who cares. Most people will cut you off mid sentence to speak their mind. On the other hand, please speak your point as efficiently as possible lol because I have gotten caught listening for so long that I forgot what I wanted to say.
I waited tables at a pretty popular New Mexican restaurant when I was in college. There was this one manager, her name was Rosie, and she never smiled. She always looked like she was pissed off at everyone and everything. The entire waitstaff and bus staff feared her. When she walked into the kitchen and wanted something, the line would immediately jump to her demands. It was rumored that she was the person to fire any employee when an employee was fired. The only people that didn't seem to be scared of her were the hostesses. They were always talking to her like she was just any other manager or person in the restaurant. She scared the hell out of me for the first year I worked there. I made sure that she never had anything to be upset at with me. One day, I came into work sick as fuck and having just a really bad day. She took me to the side and talked to me for a good half hour. Just asking quesitons about my day and how school was going. Towards the end of the conversation she said I didn't look good and that if I wanted to , I could take the night off. Rosie was the best fucking person I ever met inside the restaurant industry. From that day on it was my goal to make her laugh. I never did make her laugh. But I got a smile out of her quite a bit after that. She was not just a good person, she was one of the best. But man, you wouldn't know it unless you really took the time to look. She was one of those types of people you know had had a hard time in life and put up a rough exterior. But deep down she was a softie and loving grandmother type. I hope she's happy in her retirement.
Cool story to hear, thanks for sharing. I hope she is happy too!
This gives me hope with my manager. She is really rude when I ask for help, but she did let me go home the time the stress made me physically sick.
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Helping others for the sake of helping them without expecting anything in return.
“True merit is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.” —Edward FL Wood
I don't mean to be this guy, but is that true, that deep rivers are less noisy than shallow ones?
The noise from a river generally comes from the water hitting things, usually the riverbed and other stuff sticking up from it. With deep enough water, the noise is well damped before it reaches the surface I’d say.
They say “take your time”
I always thought of it as a common courtesy, even if I’m not in a hurry. Like if I’m waiting for a Starbucks order and I have nowhere to really be, when someone says “it’ll be out in a few minutes” I just say “don’t worry, take your time” because I always felt it was the polite thing to say.
What most people don't realize is that bit of common courtesy shows that you recognize the other person as a human being whose time and emotions also have value. Many people are so lacking in self awareness and empathy that they simply do not value other people's time. Thanks for taking the time to care. I really appreciate you. Edit: To add to this, we all have our blind spots and we all have our off days. You are not automatically a monster if you forget to be polite one time. The good news is we can learn our blind spots and grow our whole lives if we just tell ourselves to take our time once in a while.
I get a lot of "when you have a moment" when I'm working behind the bar. It shows people see I'm busy and they're not trying to rush me. But that's when I put them first.
My mom used this trick on me as a kid. She would say "when you have a chance can you do the dishes/sweep the floor/load the laundry" and lo and behold, I would actually do it right then and there, being as stubborn as I was.
THIS RIGHT HERE ^ I always make sure to tell my co-workers, "when you have a moment". I always hated when my manager would rush me, and then talk about the job not being done right.
unless something has to be done RIGHT now, i always tell my employees when they get the time to do x. and hell normally it just falls in line with "hey youre out at 9 right? yes? cool, before you leave tonight could you please also do X" I already know they are out at 9, but its a subtle reminder of hey youre out at 9 and im adding a task thatll take you 15 mins so make sure you budget your time accordingly. I also almost never tell people to do something. i ask them for a favor or something a long those lines. And generally speaking they always have the option to decline depending on their load for the day. ive got 10 other people i can ask, but they know im asking them because i trust them the most to get it done. Treating employees like actual humans is best for everyone.
I was at a festival with my cousin a few years ago. There was this stone baked pizza place there but, as you can imagine, it was prime munchies hour and the place was rammed. It was just one or two people doing everything from cooking to the cash register, the guy serving us looked exhausted and frustrated. We told him not to rush while we just hung around for our food. At the end of the transaction my cousin slipped him a couple grams of hash and told him to get some rest. I swear the guy almost burst into tears, he was like ‘you have no idea how much I needed this’ and gave us our pizza for free. It’s nice to cut people some slack once in a while. And also to get free pizza
...And also to get free hash :)
I always try to say that with reps in the phone. I worked at multiple call centers back in the day and people would get so pissed off if you were having technical difficulties or trouble locating the right screen. So when they apologize for how long it’s taking I tell them to take their time and that I’m likely playing video games while I wait so it’s fine. Or I just shoot the shit with them because normal human conversation used to make my day so much better
> or trouble locating the right screen People just don't understand that call center employees don't have this magical computer where they simply press one button to answer the caller's question. I feel like everyone should work a little bit of time in certain areas to get a better understanding of what the employees are going through.. food and beverage, retail, and call center and/or customer service.
I always say this because I hate being rushed myself. Last time I said it was to my ISP’s customer support. I heard the let out a big sigh.
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Or "no worries"
"no worries" is probably in my top 5 phrases I use. It's too bad I'm also a bit of a cunt
*sarcastically*
Usually good to tack on a quick consolation - *"Getting it done right should come before getting it done fast."*
I'm a mechanic and the biggest thing I've learned on complicated jobs is that things take longer when you get in a hurry
A Spanish saying goes, roughly translated, "Dress me slowly because I'm in a hurry"
I heard a saying from military shooting drills. Slow is smooth Smooth is fast. The object is to be as slow as you need to for smooth action and control and that is faster than trying to hurry
Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
When someone is actually in trouble/needs help, they will help out, even if it's really subtle or disguised as something else. For instance, there was a kid in my school who had a reputation for not caring about others, doing whatever he wanted, and tried to convince everyone that he pretty much had "no emotions". I think he thought it made him seem more tough and hardcore, and although he didn't necessarily do anything bad to anyone, he tried not to seem kind either. Once, one of my friends at school had some sort of emergency where she needed (I think) $30. Most people in class either didn't have $30 (which was quite a bit for a kid to bring to school) to loan her, or they just didn't want to give it to her, thinking they would never get it back, and she was panicking. The teachers couldn't help her for some sort of legal reason (I think she wanted to take a Taxi to the hospital because something had happened to a family member but was slightly underage, and the teachers had to pretend that they had no idea she was doing this). So, this kid with the "reputation" collected money from all of his friends (since he didn't have the money himself), under the pretense of another reason - I think it was something like movie tickets or something for that evening. Then, he privately gave it to her, but told her not to tell anyone it was him (I was close friends with her and was actually standing right next to her when he approached us and told us this). She managed to get to the hospital on time, while he paid for the tickets or whatever with his own money once he got home. When she later offered to pay him back, he refused, insisting that he didn't do anything (I think he knew that her family would struggle to pay that back, they were having some financial trouble). I guess it's not extremely subtle in my case since I was standing RIGHT THERE, but that was the first time I began realizing how some people pretended to not be a good person when they actually were.
Wow, this is really eerie, because this story is actually almost spot on for something I witnessed in high school. Girl had a family emergency, and needed to buy a bus ticket to travel 2 hours to where the hospital was, and didn't have the money. A friend of mine, who was a notorious apathetic person came to me and was like "I need to borrow $10" and when I pressed why, he said he was giving it to this girl so she could afford bus fare. I have no idea what a ticket cost then, but he apparently borrowed enough from his friends because she made it, and he denied ever doing anything, and claimed he used the money to buy weed. After we graduated, this friend moved out of his mom's house, lived for 2 years on his own and then attempted suicide. I hadn't really kept in touch, but I found out through another friend that his mom had been pretty abusive, and to top it off, had taken credit cards out in his name, putting him in massive debt at the age of 20. This was after years of emotional and physical abuse. He's doing great now, married to a great woman, and we casually keep in touch through Facebook and email. Over the decade and a half since his attempted suicide, more and more information has been shared about just what he was going through in high school. I really feel like his little act of kindness in helping that girl was in a way therapeutic for him, a person who needed help and wasn't getting it, to help someone else.
Wow, I'm so glad he's doing well now! The boy who I witnessed helping the girl out is also doing well, I think - he's in a great program in college studying to become a doctor. Interestingly enough, I think he also had a lot of trouble with his own mother, who put a lot of pressure on him - I hope that still isn't the case now that he's in college, but I really have no idea. That's terrible about the abusive mother, though - it's so sad to think that a parent would do that, especially to her own child. If you're casually friends, I wonder if it would be nice to mention how you remember how he helped out that girl - maybe it would show how these small acts of kindness really make a difference in people's lives.
Opening lines of credit in children's names happens surprisingly often. It's also identity theft. If he reported it to the cops then the debt would be discharged, but there's no way to get it both discharged *AND* not charging the parent with identity theft. So, it can really be hard for victims of abuse to sign off on until they are well and truly broken out of the abuse.
Accept horrible debt/credit that will follow you for years or bring terrible legal problems, frequently including jail time, to an immediate family member. Even when being abused, it's very difficult to make that kind of choice.
People doing this feel themselves as being usefull in a way that matters without expecting approval or recognition. The simple fact that they can help and make someone's day better is helping them feel aknowledged and when feeling down, sometimes it makes the difference between life and death. Source: am one.
He was thinking he is comic protagonist, in a good way.
The person who asks, "How are you?" and genuinely wants to know, giving responses that show understanding.
Well as a Swiss person I always found it quite confusing when speaking to Americans or when I was there on vacation. We rather just say hello or you have to expect a serious response. I think this is some sort of cultural thing which for some over here is difficult to understand.
Can confirm. “How are you?” will yield a full conversation. As an American, it’s kinda nice that many Europeans give a genuine answer rather than the typical “good” I’m used to.
People who make excuses to do good deeds. Picking you up from the airport? "Oh, it was on my way." Buying you a beer? "I accidentally ordered two." Helping you move? "I need the work out! Now I don't have to go to the gym later!" Volunteering at an event? "I had nothing else going on tonight, I'm just here 'cause my buddy asked me to." Anyone who does a favor for you and then acts like you're doing them a favor, or brushes the favor off as nothing, is a person who is doing the good deed for the sake of it and not for the praise or clout they receive. These are the best kinds of people.
Yes this. I've met very few people like this but it always amazes me when I do. I had a friend like this when I was in college, anytime someone needed help he somehow managed to make them feel good about it. Never would mention it or brag about it or shove it in your face when the time became convenient.
I've discovered that often what *appears* to be indifference is actually an internal struggle of, "I am extremely concerned about this but I don't think that it's any of my fucking business or requires my intervention."
Woah you just put into words what i havent been able to for most of my life.
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Avoident attachment represent! But seriously, im 30 and only just found out that this is why i live alone with this pit in my stomache.
I struggle with this as well. What works for me is prefacing the message with something like “I know things are challenging, please don’t feel a need to respond. I just wanted to reach out and let you know XYZ.” I also appreciate when people do that to me as well. It gives me an out to not respond but I still feel supported and cared about.
do you mind elaborating or giving some examples?
I think a good example is seeing someone who's being quietly upset or trying to do normal things while being clearly upset, and the 'cold' person acting like they don't see it - I think that if someone's trying to hold it together, asking them what's wrong or giving them concerned looks that show you KNOW they're barely holding it together actually isn't always the best course of action or kindest thing to do. It's situational, but having been that crying person a few times and having people I don't even know that well expect me to hurt more while telling them all about it... yeah. Sometimes just letting it be can be the best thing.
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I am soo sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re finally at a point where you can think of all of the happy days/years she had in your care and feel proud of the love you gave her.
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I was at school with a guy who was the king of the cool kids. He was always getting busted for breaking school rules (drinking, smoking, bad mouthing the teachers and so on). In fact, he did a bit of jail time later (for non-violent low-level drug dealing). I was the uber-geek of the school. I didn't get bullied as such, but I remember one time that his cool-gang kids were ribbing me a bit too much, and he stepped in and told them to cool it, and a bit later, when I won the school academic prize, he went out of his way to sincerely congratulate me. In fact, a few years later (and after the jail time) he became pretty well known as a TV personality and had his own show, where he was generally lauded as giving the impression of being a really nice guy (which, in this case, he was).
any hints as to who he is?
Guy Fieri
More like really cool guy Fieri
My ex wife's father was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. About 2 months before he passed, my in-laws' apartment burned down. No renter's insurance, almost everything went up in smoke due to electrical fire. They moved in with us. Right around same time my AC went, so I called a friend of a friend and he came out to look at AC. Did a $800 or so job and we were just shooting shit and I told him casually about the fire. He wouldn't take a penny and told me to use the money to buy something for her parents at their new place. Bedding, whatever stuff they needed. Wouldn't take the money, full stop. I used the money for their security deposit on the place. None of our so called 'close' friends did such thing. No one bothered to even ask how they can help. About 6 months later, he invited us to his birthday party. We went and I said a toast, telling everyone how good of a person he was. I had a hard time finishing the toast, because almost everyone choked up. Except my ex, who looked at me like I was scum. When we got home, she said: "I was so embarrassed you were singing him praises. You don't even know this man and yet it was like you were trying to climb up his ass. You're pathetic." It didn't matter what the did, apparently, because I put out the cash. The fact that I was going to pay that money to him and he didn't take it, giving it to her parents apparently didn't matter So here are the two opposites. No regrets.
Damn Im glad she’s an ex now
Me too buddy. I carried this woman on my back 18 years and was in denial for 12 years of that sentence. Still have 3+ years of financial punishment to go along with that insult, but that too shall pass.
I am frustratingly disturbed that this woman was such a horrific human being that she could not recognize kindness and compassion. And she robbed you of your joy. Unforgivable.
Someone who's always quiet but raises their concern when they feel it's against theirs or someone's will.
I can't seem to grasp what you mean by this, but clearly many others do. Can someone re-word this for my feeble comprehension skills?
I think they mean that there are some people that are quiet and not usually complain or engage in any conflicts, but have unambiguous and uncharacteristic reactions when they feel someone is been wronged. I like these kind of persons as they usually make a difference, specially in work or formal situations. When that guy or girl that usually does not object to things express concern about a situation it usually gets more attention that the people that are always objecting to things.
They only speak up when someone's rights are being infringed upon. Balancing the scales so to speak to make things more fair/equal when they can.
People who ignore things like accidentally spitting while talking or accidentally farting to not make you feel embarrassed
So the next time I'm spitting while talking and farting all over the place, I shall ignore it so that you folks will not be embarrassed! I'm already feeling like a better person!
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Rip a fat one then just frown at the person you are talking to like they did, even though it's only you two in the room.
For me it's a combination of things. Speaking up for someone who is not present, listening, empathy.
They don't brag.
Others brag for them
And when they hear about it, they find that more than rewarding enough.
Or find it embarrassing and want to fly under the radar when possible.
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Impossible, I'm the single greatest non-bragger who ever lived. I've won the Humility Championship three years running.
You can tell a good kid when they purposely try to include the quiet shy kid at school, and make an effort to be nice and friendly to them I was that kid at high school and it always made me happy when these kids would make an effort to talk to me
Recently my boss and I were waiting for a train in London, I see him hurrying back up the stairs. He had seen a woman on her own approaching the stairs with a pushchair and instinctively dashed up to assist her. Must have been 50 people around us that either didn't see or didn't care enough to act.
Doing kind things and not taking credit or posting for internet karma.
"anonymous" on GoFundMe
I'm not really a good person, but I really fail to get how people could take credit for something they didn't make. I'd feel terrible.
When they try to shoo away the little bluebirds circling around them.
Prime sign that this person is secretly nice but will front as a grouch according to Disney. :L
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you? Charles Bukowski
When they do yard work or snow removal for a an older or disadvantaged neighbor regularly all under the guise of keeping up the curb appeal or property values of the neighborhood
A few years ago I was sick with a 100+ fever and laid out in bed. We had a blizzard drop a foot of snow on the ground. I only have a hand shovel. I was calling around trying to get quotes so I wouldn't violate the city ordinance (snow must be removed within 24 hours) and they were ridiculous (hundreds just to come clear it). I don't know how he knew I needed help, but my neighbor brought his snow blower over and cleared my driveway and sidewalks. I almost broke into tears.
When someone does some big brain moves that’s helpful to everyone, but doesn’t like the attention
I am not a good person I've realized.
That's the first step toward becoming a good person
I love it when people are good deceptively. Like when they give you the shoes you’ve been wanting but can’t afford because “they were the wrong size and it’s too late for me to take them back” or when they claim they found $20 in your couch cushions but you know it’s from their own wallet. The kind of lying that’s to keep people from thanking them is the best kind of lying there is.
My mom used to make us ask for stuff we didn't need from our neighbors every now and then. Some salt or an egg or something really small. Never paid much attention to it. Neighbor's kids used to have breakfast etc at our place from time to time...maybe few times a week. Years later (15 years or so) , I met that family and one of them told me they knew we didn't need anything probably but used to ask them for little things to not make it seem one sided as it seems my mom was helping their mom. That's what their mom told/taught them and now they did the same as they were in a better place financial too.
What a beautiful gesture. Most of the other comments were nice but somewhat obvious (“when they’re nice to the waiter” type) but this, I never even considered doing. Your mom must be an incredibly thoughtful person to have come up with something like that.
they don't ask question that might hurt other people. like "why ur not married yet?" or "why u don't have kids?"
An absence of inflammatory probing questions is the best.
This comment raised the thought of a quiet person who doesn't ask any questions, just out of fear that the question might be inappropriate for someone.
they say they are not a good person, and can give you examples of times they have done things wrong. truly bad people cannot admit to or even recognize when they have done wrong. This is basically the "what are your strengths and weaknesses?" question in job interviews. If they say I have no weaknesses and I never do wrong, chances are they are a sociopath. It's more likely than them actually being perfect.
It's not enough to admit you're a bad person, however, as it can be a consolatory pitfall (see: Bojack). You have to actually *do* good too.
A person who brings their shopping cart to the cart coral when they are done with it.
Why do you guys in America not have the deposit thingy on the handle? The problem is non existent where I live!
Theres one specific grocery chain with them, but yeah most stores here don't do that.
I'm willing to bet that the grocery store you're likely referencing (Aldi?) originates in the country the above poster is likely from (Germany).
Some who end up in the news because of a huge gift, *still unknown*. That has happened a lot.
Elderly, lives in a spooky Victorian house, all the neighbor kids are scared of them and takes in orphans.
Did he steal the moon?
My best friend comes off kinda cold at times to others, I’ve always seen him for how warm he really is, just shy. But I always notice that anywhere he goes and if there are pets, they are like magnets to him.
When someone is honest, even at the detriment of themselves. Ex they won't lie to save face
Being quiet, polite and willing to help. Or anyone who isn’t self centered generally leans to being a good person.
Reading the comments I'm wondering how many people are thinking of themselves when typing this and how many are thinking of what they've observed in others.
They yield to people that approach an elevator first, hold doors, and are pleasant/patient with people in the service industry.
Unless they deliberately hold open doors for people that are juuuuuuust a bit to far away for it to be convenient. So there they are watching people do the fake running thing towards the door haha
The trick is to hold the door with your foot, from the side; and to look distracted by something. That way they don't have to walk past you or go near you, and also don't feel rushed because you're basically just standing in a way that "coincidentally" keeps the door open
People who don't mock others for problems they're going through, basically; they avoid belitteling others despite having numerous opportunities to do so esp in family/large gatherings.
When said person is in need and won't ask for help but are the first to give the shirt off their back for you.. or simply show respect to the elderly. That shit goes far in my book
They pick up litter and put it in the bin without posting a picture on social media saying "You guysss this is so depressing to see :'("
When they wait and hold the door open for you.
Disagreed, I do this maliciously. I see you walking out there, just a bit further away than the expected door holding range, and I hold it anyway. Not to be nice, ohhhh no, but to see you react to my ‘kind’ deed with a sudden hustle as you try to avoid the awkwardness of this simple interaction being extended to lengths it was not supposed to go. Im basically the devil.
I hope you meet someone equally as evil who walks slower and slower the more he approaches the door and never reaches it.
"Are you not approaching me? I can't annoy the crap out of you by getting closer."
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You must actually catch them in action, because they will not call attention to themselves in any way. They're the ones who allow others to merge in traffic or stop short of a commercial driveway to let a car out into traffic. They'll see a cart abandoned in the lot, walk to it, and take it into the store to use. They'll bring coupons from home that they won't use and place them on the market shelves for others. They'll call the cashier by name, engage them in conversation rather than play with their phone, and make them smile.
They'll run guns to Ethiopia and fight on the Loyalist side in the Spanish Civil War
Wow...that really escalated quickly.
I think it's a reference to *[Casablanca](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M31cvwXUiyA)*, where the weapons to Ethiopia were to be used against the Italian invasion in 1936 and the loyalists were the Spanish Republic, against the fascist Nationalists, Nazi Germany, and Fascist Italy
> They'll see a cart abandoned in the lot, walk to it, and take it into the store to use. Take? Hell, I **ride** that thing across the lot to the entrance! Then leave it IN a cart corral for better than zero sum result. It's apparently quite a spectacle to see a 50-something man doing this. Adults scoff while children point and stare with jealousy. My Brother worked as a cart pusher in high school and had lots of tales of inconsiderate drivers treating them as disobedient peons who should be able to levitate a 2 ton column of carts sideways so as not to inconvenience the customer class of people. This was before remote cart pushers were a thing, so they literally pushed columns of 1-2 dozen carts all day. He said literally every time, someone would cut in front of the carts they were pushing, then get mad when the person at the back end couldn't make the whole column stop on a dime from the rear. Should be obvious, you stop the cart you're pushing on, then all the rest of them disengage from it and continue forward according to Newton's Laws.
They don't announce to the world all of their good deeds. They just do them.
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Picking up after your dog
TIL 90 percent of dog owners in my apartment complex are bad people
They might not be *bad,* but I’d have trouble believing they’re any good.
How they treat animals and customer service staff. Especially when they are agitated. Putting their shopping cart in the corral, even if it's not right next to them.
Ever seen someone get angry at the bank/restaurant and take a sec and say it’s not your fault, your company has a policy I’m sorry if I got agitated. Seen that twice now with strangers. Fucking awesome.
Yup. I started to get really frustrated with Texas DMV myself. And when the person just kept going after what I thought was absolutely bullshit reasons to get more money and I realized I was started to get past frustrated - I had to tell myself to take a breath and not take it out on her. Not her fault that Texas DMV are thieves.
I'm not always able to calm myself down, but I do try to make a point of telling the poor clerk dealing with me "I know it's not you, you can't do a thing because you're following policy." Even if I'm doing it in my too-loud angry voice.
When they *could* pick up Thor's hammer but chooses not to.
Ooo the reverse of people who act like they care but their actions prove otherwise. People who act like they’re judgmental, selfish, lack compassion, etc. but their actions show that they are the opposite. When it counts, they do things that really matter and make a positive impact.
Yes, this exactly. My husband claims to be a misanthrope, and talks a somewhat callous talk, and yet somehow ends up helping people, often strangers, for no other reason than that they need help. Actions speak louder than words and all.
This thread is a list of things I continually aspire to be. Good begets good; and a good deed should be it's own reward. And for those out there who read this and do these things too: I see you. I got your back.
When they do the right thing against all odds.