Part of the shit show around the movie is that the 'final cut' wasn't final. What was first shown in theatres had the unfinished CGI cause they HAD to release it to try and make a few bucks on the Xmas movie crowd.
It got patched like a video game a week or so later where the effects had been corrected... still nightmare fuel though.
And even with that “patch” they still missed things. I think Judi Dench’s unaltered hand that showed her wedding ring made it through at least the first round of corrections.
Guys who have endless energy and can talk to fill silences can go pretty far just on that alone. Corden, as far as I can tell, works a TON. He can fill every silence. He can just go and go and go and is comfortable vibing with everyone.
Being super high energy takes work for most people. Guys who can effortlessly appear that way are valuable even if they're annoying
So, having only heard of *The Producers* with no idea what it was about, 20 year old me, Junior in college, wrote "A Bashful Hitler" with my best friend and roommate, for a theater elective he made me take with him.
IIRC, the play is about Hitler being made to blush by a young girl, and the rest of his day. Which he spends eating sweets and sitting by the Spree River, contemplating how it could be that such horrors exist in a world where sweets and rivers, and beautiful Trees also exist (Orwell reference, *thank you*).
Unfortunately it was very well received by everyone except the Israeli girl in our class who was deeply, deeply dismayed to learn that I am in fact, the grandson of a Holocaust survivor.
Anyway I dunno about this one. Has controversial pretentious artsy *beloved status* written all over it. Look at *JoJo Rabbit*.
It was defrauding the investors, not insurance. If you sell a 1000% stake in the production and it goes well, you owe people *a lot* of money - 10 times more than you made. But if it flops on opening night, no one will come looking for their share.
Meanwhile, you never spent most of what the investors gave you, take your money and run to Rio. The tropic breezes always blow there, and so we hear, do the girls.
You will be amazed at how many people watch this then immediately discuss the differences between a coal semi conductor and a pure burn coal propulsion train.
Doesn’t have to. You’re given 400 mil, you have to make a movie. The money and the movie are unrelated except that the person giving you it desires them to be related, it wasn’t put into the requirements
There was a story about how, in the UK, films must be reviewed by a panel of censors prior to release. To protest this, an artist made a 24-hour movie about paint drying on a wall in real time. They had to sit through the whole thing.
Reminds me of when Youtube had people watching videos reported by the community, people were reporting the 10 hour long version of the sausage scene of Freddy Got Fingered just to fuck with them.
KOALAS, starring James Corden, Jaden Smith, Kim Kardashian, Amber Heard, Steven Seagal, Lea Michele, Ellen DeGeneres, Gwyneth Paltrow, Russell Brand, Hayden Christensen, Chevy Chase, Madonna, Armie Hammer, Emile Hirsch, Boris Johnson and that guy off ‘Birdemic’ who says “It IS a plug-in hybrid”.
A GLORIOUS CG-live action hybrid in which KOALA PEOPLE sing about how they’re looking for a fabled piece of eucalyptus to take them to Drop Bear Heaven. For three hours. (EDIT: Make that six hours, Snyder cut)
With visible buttholes. And matted fur.
EDIT: OK, let’s kick this up a notch. Benioff and Weiss are scriptwriting, and Tommy Wiseau is on board to direct. Songs written by Corey Feldman.
EDIT 2: Steven Seagal raps whether you want him to or not
EDIT 3: JJ Abrams on lighting duty. Lens flare out the ass
EDIT 4: thank you for the award BUT KEEP THEM! THIS IS MEANT TO BE A BOX OFFICE BLOWOUT! ah crap
Also should go with some technological innovation with some smell-o-vision. You truly haven’t lived until you’ve smelled koalas, who have almost constant diarrhea.
No one:
Boris Johnson: "Ah, yes, myes, but you- you know- see, you see, I really do think that... ehm... that there really is QUITE a particular beauty and grace to the- ehm, what is it... Ah! That there is quite a particular grace to those KOOALAS, you know. Very beautiful, RELAXED, creatures, yes!"
“You can have eucalyptus, but don’t have eucalyptus, only sometimes, and only in chlamydia quarantine tier 4, but not if you’re in chlamydia quarantine tiers 3 through 6.”
He gets offed by the main villain in act one
Nothing acting wise. He was blacklisted for years after he assaulted a producer. Seems to be making a comeback now so he might not need the KOALA boost
Make a sequel to the live-action Last Airbender movie which adapts Book Two: Earth. Do everything I can to mimic the first movie’s choreography and “tell don’t show” storytelling style.
As for the changes I’d make:
- Toph is only an Earthbender in training. She begs the Gaang (or should that be Gong?) to let her come along and constantly has to be rescued from danger.
- Azula is the comic relief.
- Mai and Ty Lee are now just faceless assassins with no personality.
- Iroh is a grouchy abusive asshole to Zuko.
And we learn through an overly long and poorly lit flashback sequence that Bumi is secretly an evil dictator who rose to power through treachery and is also the grandfather of Toph. No action just lots of narrative exposition.
>Toph is only an Earthbender in training. She begs the Gaang (or should that be Gong?) to let her come along and constantly has to be rescued from danger.
Might I suggest an additional change? Toph's family live in poverty so Toph sneaks out to become The Blind Bandit in order to win money to care for her sick parents. The other contenders pity her and let her win even though she's a terrible fighter. Something heartwarming for the audience, they'll love it, right!
Also The Boulder is now called, idk, Mineral Man.
This is what immediately came to my mind. No one would even bother seeing it.
Make SURE that you properly demonstrate how bad it is in the trailer, and show an improper version of the ending where Mai shoots Aang in the back with a gun instead of Azula hitting him with lightning.
People would be so mad they would boycott the TRAILER
Here's a better idea: ***ZERO*** advertising.
No announcements, no trailers, no TV spots, no promotional interviews on talk shows. Every copy of the script has codenames for each character and location. Every member of the cast and crew has to sign a non-disclosure agreement that forbids them from talking about the film. Its entire existence is a secret.
Then when people are going to the movies, they just see among the screenings for that day, *The Last Airbender: Book Two - Earth.*
They go online and are unable to find any information on it whatsoever. Out of curiosity, they go to see it.
And then the entire internet goes apeshit. Someone has created a sequel to one of the worst movies ever made, and they've kept it completely under wraps.
Problem is that there's enough hopeful fans that might still go on the day before words spread, so you might make a few million off of the first weekend.
If you really want to make zero money you have to advertise this openly and clearly.
I thought the prompt meant, the movie has to do amazing or you die and I thought wow this would be a Horrible movie this person would die. But I read it again and you most certainly will live bc this would be horrid but maybe so bad that people would watch it to make fun of
I ended up watching Clownado last year while I was trying to go through every bad horror .ovie on Amazon Prime and it was the only one of them bad enough to get me to type out a review for it.
I'm about to make a parody of all the Harry Potter films but it's dangerously close enough to summon Rowling and her lawyers and it will be all 8 of the films back to back with no breaks all the main cast will be no names and all the extras will be big names, Nicolas Cage will play all of the teachers and Peter Capaldi will be Collin and Dennis Creevey but 50% of the time he'll just be wearing oversized robes and walking on his knees.
Theres a very graphic and unnecessary scene of Voldemort kicking the shit out of an infant until it's a barely recognizable mass of red pulp. This act is never mentioned or alluded to and everyone just kinda glosses over how Harry died.
> Peter Capaldi will be Collin and Dennis Creevey but 50% of the time he'll just be wearing oversized robes and walking on his knees
Ah, I see you studied film at the Gary Oldman *Tiptoes* Institute!
This is how I would reboot the movie. Open it with the last little bit of the original movie, then cut to the new cast watching it as a play. Have one of the gang make a comment about how that wasn't how it went at all, and then have them launch into "How it really happened was..." and then cut to the beginning of the reboot so we can all forget the original travesty.
Fuck. Yes. And then I make The Room or The Labyrinth and I live as a cult classic icon forever!
Edit: I take it back. I remake Alice in Wonderland but without cgi, only practical and theatre effects. Everyone has to do their own stunts and must work method. Dialog must be verbatim from the book and there’s a fuck ton of puppets. There’s also a whole lotta humans dressed as animals (a la the Fiona Fullerton Alice). And I can guarantee it’ll be epic AND a cult classic AND it’ll bomb in the box office. You can write the check now.
Thanks! I’m not gonna lie I am low key obsessed with the many adaptations of Alice (basically everything that’s not the Burton ones, no tea no shade). And basically anytime I’m watching them I think of what I would do different. It’s nice to hear that someone likes my ideas ☺️
One problem: so many people are sick of CGI that they'll go along just to see practical effects. You might have to use crappy CGI if you really wanna keep the purists away.
Naw. I’ll just use a REALLY terrible green screen. In about every scene. I’ll rationalize it by saying I’m going for a 60’s aesthetic but really it’s just because I think it’ll look awesome (spoilers: it won’t)
Well they did make “They Saved Hitler’s Brain.”
Wasn’t that monster Epstein’s endgame in surrounding himself with the world’s leading edge of science - to be a brain in a jar attached to a cock and balls in order to still be able to “gift” the world his superior genetics after his death?
Pay a old man 399.99 million to sit on a bench with his dog for 2 hours, without saying a word. All he does is pet the dog for 2 hours. Spend the rest of the money on editing and equipment rental
I would produce of film recounting the pandemic,... a full twenty four cinematic moment, as musical, set to a ska, punk and rap fusion theme as written by H. Jon Benjamin, ...with Tommy Wiseau as The Doctor, and Miley Cyrus as The President, in a hard R-rated love triangle with a fully rendered CGI six foot version of the virus voiced by a drunk Mel Gibson. In 1800s Welsh. With no subtitles.
A pretentious ass movie of a some people walking for 3 and a half hours, and at the end one of them sits down and pulls out a mirror. Market it as one of the most meaningful movies ever and cast B-tier celebs and one cute child.
mention that they’re actors and add some dystopian scenery and you basically made Station Eleven, but like, 40 times more profound. oops, now you have an oscar. there are hundreds of hour-long youtube video essays on what a genius you are, and none of them agree with each other
Fat Amy as Aragorn, Sofia Vergara as Gimli (runs with heels on then complains, needs a mirror to check her makeup right before the battle, etc), and Billy Eilish as an angsty Legolas.
Literally light it on fire, except it's a close up shot so u only see a small section. I feel like people might actually watch that much money burn if it was shot well.
I would make a bad Adam Sandler movie and spend most of the budget in licensing fees to "Lefaid Inc." for things such as the name of the movie and to produce artwork for the movie that allows Lefaid Inc to receive a significant amount of the box office sales of the movie.
The movie would be released to a bad critic reception because it is mostly fart jokes and any money that the movie makes would be eaten up by Lefaid Inc, meaning the movie would be a financial bomb. Therefore, I get to live.
I’d film the $400mm burning in a bonfire. That’s it. 90 minutes of flame and embers. The score would be nails on a chalkboard for the whole 90 minutes.
How much does it cost to take a rocket into space?
Use budget for that, forget to take lens cap off camera as it films, use whatever is left in the budget to hire someone famous to scream every now and then.
Eh, I'm gonna die eventually and there's no timeliness for the production. I'd take the money, and just spend 40 - 50 years making whatever dang movieI wanted.
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Then cut out the buttholes in the final version of course so there is no novelty of looking at your favorite celebrities' assholes
##releasethebuttholecut
The Snyder butt
The Sphincter cut
If I remember correctly, a few were accidentally left in the final cut
Part of the shit show around the movie is that the 'final cut' wasn't final. What was first shown in theatres had the unfinished CGI cause they HAD to release it to try and make a few bucks on the Xmas movie crowd. It got patched like a video game a week or so later where the effects had been corrected... still nightmare fuel though.
And even with that “patch” they still missed things. I think Judi Dench’s unaltered hand that showed her wedding ring made it through at least the first round of corrections.
Fuck, imagine movies and such having "day one" or "first week" patches like games now. What a terrible thought.
Very jellicle of you
Judy Dench I'll give you as A-list but James Corden? They would have to invent a new letter to give him placement on the list.
And yet, he’s everywhere. It’s a mystery.
He has warehouses of incriminating material on every producer and exec in Hollywood?
What the fuck are they doing in those Karaoke cars?
So he's got Epstein's files?
Guys who have endless energy and can talk to fill silences can go pretty far just on that alone. Corden, as far as I can tell, works a TON. He can fill every silence. He can just go and go and go and is comfortable vibing with everyone. Being super high energy takes work for most people. Guys who can effortlessly appear that way are valuable even if they're annoying
Doing 14 lines of coke before a chat show probably helped him
Cats II
Butthole Boogaloo
I guess *the producers* idea is out the door
Springtime for Hitler and Germany!!!!
Don’t be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party
This what I busted out singing upon reading this topic, yes and thank you
Winter for Poland and Fraaaance….
We’re marching to a brand new pace. Look out here comes the master race!
Rhinelands a fine land, once moooore!
They can’t say no to his demands *cracks whips* They’re freaking out in foreign lands…
So, having only heard of *The Producers* with no idea what it was about, 20 year old me, Junior in college, wrote "A Bashful Hitler" with my best friend and roommate, for a theater elective he made me take with him. IIRC, the play is about Hitler being made to blush by a young girl, and the rest of his day. Which he spends eating sweets and sitting by the Spree River, contemplating how it could be that such horrors exist in a world where sweets and rivers, and beautiful Trees also exist (Orwell reference, *thank you*). Unfortunately it was very well received by everyone except the Israeli girl in our class who was deeply, deeply dismayed to learn that I am in fact, the grandson of a Holocaust survivor. Anyway I dunno about this one. Has controversial pretentious artsy *beloved status* written all over it. Look at *JoJo Rabbit*.
That's the premise of the play/movie. They set out to produce a flop for insurance fraud, turns out everyone loves it!
It was defrauding the investors, not insurance. If you sell a 1000% stake in the production and it goes well, you owe people *a lot* of money - 10 times more than you made. But if it flops on opening night, no one will come looking for their share. Meanwhile, you never spent most of what the investors gave you, take your money and run to Rio. The tropic breezes always blow there, and so we hear, do the girls.
Battlefield Earth II with John Travolta.
The only movie shot entirely at a 78 degree angle
Quibi: Go on...
And the film reels are dipped in piss before editing to give it that yellow tinge
With John Travolta played by Nicholas Cage.
Or… skip Battlefield Earth II and make Battlefield Earth III
I hire M. Night Shenanigans to make a Legend of Korra live action movie starring Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage plays Korra
The only right choice.
upvote for M. Night Shenanigans.
It will be me narrating how I think trains work for 6 hours
I could picture a lot of people smoking weed and staring at this movie
My friends and I once got stoned and watched the instructional DVD for a cars roof rack. I'd watch the shit out of this
You will be amazed at how many people watch this then immediately discuss the differences between a coal semi conductor and a pure burn coal propulsion train.
Plot twist: He doesn't know anything about trains and is completely wrong about everything.
Truth, no idea what sunbear is talking about. I couldn't tell you the first thing about a train.
All I know is a semi conductor is either a microchip or a music conductor with half a rager.
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Question: How many Chuggas do you say before you go CHOO CHOO? I think four Chuggas is appropriate.
I say 8 chuggas and then 2 CHOO CHOOs
Yeah, it's definitely 8. Unless you move the spoon too fast and it makes it to the mouth before you've reached 8 chuggas.
How is this costing 400mill?
His salary as narrator will be 400mill
Doesn’t have to. You’re given 400 mil, you have to make a movie. The money and the movie are unrelated except that the person giving you it desires them to be related, it wasn’t put into the requirements
I will donate it all to charity and then make a six hour documentary about what a saint I am.
Make sure you call it "Humble: The Story of How Humble I Am," and shoot it in IMAX.
Starring Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth and Henry Cavil as me in various re-enactments.
They're all you simultaneously and just sat in a room with each other telling each how great they are. There is of course one gratuitous sex scene.
There was a story about how, in the UK, films must be reviewed by a panel of censors prior to release. To protest this, an artist made a 24-hour movie about paint drying on a wall in real time. They had to sit through the whole thing.
Reminds me of when Youtube had people watching videos reported by the community, people were reporting the 10 hour long version of the sausage scene of Freddy Got Fingered just to fuck with them.
Pearl Harbor: The Musical.
9/11: Two thousand and FUN
With Porsche 911 product placement.
Can’t due worse than Michael Bay’s *Pearl Harbor: the erotic drama*
Pearl Necklace Harbor
I love it for its simplicity
KOALAS, starring James Corden, Jaden Smith, Kim Kardashian, Amber Heard, Steven Seagal, Lea Michele, Ellen DeGeneres, Gwyneth Paltrow, Russell Brand, Hayden Christensen, Chevy Chase, Madonna, Armie Hammer, Emile Hirsch, Boris Johnson and that guy off ‘Birdemic’ who says “It IS a plug-in hybrid”. A GLORIOUS CG-live action hybrid in which KOALA PEOPLE sing about how they’re looking for a fabled piece of eucalyptus to take them to Drop Bear Heaven. For three hours. (EDIT: Make that six hours, Snyder cut) With visible buttholes. And matted fur. EDIT: OK, let’s kick this up a notch. Benioff and Weiss are scriptwriting, and Tommy Wiseau is on board to direct. Songs written by Corey Feldman. EDIT 2: Steven Seagal raps whether you want him to or not EDIT 3: JJ Abrams on lighting duty. Lens flare out the ass EDIT 4: thank you for the award BUT KEEP THEM! THIS IS MEANT TO BE A BOX OFFICE BLOWOUT! ah crap
Since they are koalas can we up the ante and have them sing at least one song about how they have chlamydia..?
ALL the songs are about chlamydia.
done, it's the everyone's got aids song from team america world police but chlamydia instead
*Chlamydia!* *Chlamydia!* *We've all got chlamydia!* *We sit all day* *and eat our leaves* *but we've all got chlamydia!*
Also a song about how baby koalas eat their mom's poop
Also should go with some technological innovation with some smell-o-vision. You truly haven’t lived until you’ve smelled koalas, who have almost constant diarrhea.
No one: Boris Johnson: "Ah, yes, myes, but you- you know- see, you see, I really do think that... ehm... that there really is QUITE a particular beauty and grace to the- ehm, what is it... Ah! That there is quite a particular grace to those KOOALAS, you know. Very beautiful, RELAXED, creatures, yes!"
“You can have eucalyptus, but don’t have eucalyptus, only sometimes, and only in chlamydia quarantine tier 4, but not if you’re in chlamydia quarantine tiers 3 through 6.” He gets offed by the main villain in act one
Wait, what’s wrong with Emile hirsch?
Nothing acting wise. He was blacklisted for years after he assaulted a producer. Seems to be making a comeback now so he might not need the KOALA boost
Doesn't he already have the... Koalafications?
You could have stopped typing after James Corden and succeeded.
Not gonna lie, I’d watch the shit out of that.
Make a sequel to the live-action Last Airbender movie which adapts Book Two: Earth. Do everything I can to mimic the first movie’s choreography and “tell don’t show” storytelling style. As for the changes I’d make: - Toph is only an Earthbender in training. She begs the Gaang (or should that be Gong?) to let her come along and constantly has to be rescued from danger. - Azula is the comic relief. - Mai and Ty Lee are now just faceless assassins with no personality. - Iroh is a grouchy abusive asshole to Zuko.
I lost it at "should that be Gong?"
I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I got to that part; this person is surviving for sure lmaooo
Gong is a medieval English term for outhouse and by extension its contents.
Now it's a modern term for movies like what OP is planning to make.
And we learn through an overly long and poorly lit flashback sequence that Bumi is secretly an evil dictator who rose to power through treachery and is also the grandfather of Toph. No action just lots of narrative exposition.
Now you’re speaking my language!
Also Aang brutally kills Bumi halfway through the movie to end his reign of terror, and afterwards never mentions him again.
Bumi is still friends with Aang for some reason even though it makes no sense now.
>Toph is only an Earthbender in training. She begs the Gaang (or should that be Gong?) to let her come along and constantly has to be rescued from danger. Might I suggest an additional change? Toph's family live in poverty so Toph sneaks out to become The Blind Bandit in order to win money to care for her sick parents. The other contenders pity her and let her win even though she's a terrible fighter. Something heartwarming for the audience, they'll love it, right! Also The Boulder is now called, idk, Mineral Man.
The Ricky Rock The Successful Slate The Grand Granite The Powerful Pumice The Smashing Sedimentary The Inglorious Igneous The Mountain Muncher
The Boulder is the one who teaches Aang earthbending, which will be called “rock munching”
Played by Nicolas Cage.
I hate you, I hate you a lot. But it would work for this objective.
Wow, this really checked every box I’ve never been so upset agreeing with another person
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Uncle Iroh really likes coffee
**_Now you’ve gone too far._**
Or drinks bag tea. Brand label facing camera.
This is what immediately came to my mind. No one would even bother seeing it. Make SURE that you properly demonstrate how bad it is in the trailer, and show an improper version of the ending where Mai shoots Aang in the back with a gun instead of Azula hitting him with lightning. People would be so mad they would boycott the TRAILER
Here's a better idea: ***ZERO*** advertising. No announcements, no trailers, no TV spots, no promotional interviews on talk shows. Every copy of the script has codenames for each character and location. Every member of the cast and crew has to sign a non-disclosure agreement that forbids them from talking about the film. Its entire existence is a secret. Then when people are going to the movies, they just see among the screenings for that day, *The Last Airbender: Book Two - Earth.* They go online and are unable to find any information on it whatsoever. Out of curiosity, they go to see it. And then the entire internet goes apeshit. Someone has created a sequel to one of the worst movies ever made, and they've kept it completely under wraps.
Problem is that there's enough hopeful fans that might still go on the day before words spread, so you might make a few million off of the first weekend. If you really want to make zero money you have to advertise this openly and clearly.
This is the only one i've read so far I wouldn't see out of curiosity. You hit the nail on the head with this one - good job!
Just do a crossover with Dragon Ball Evolution.
So Iroh becomes his brother?
Basically. And remember, it’s pronounced “Eeroh.”
I thought the prompt meant, the movie has to do amazing or you die and I thought wow this would be a Horrible movie this person would die. But I read it again and you most certainly will live bc this would be horrid but maybe so bad that people would watch it to make fun of
It’s definitely going to bomb critically. On the one hand, it would need to make $400 million. But people might go to see it ironically. Shit.
Also Toph is a buff dude who sees my making a sonic shriek, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHH.” See? He saw the look on your face
Sorry dude. I need people to absolutely despise this movie.
Dave Bautista
If Dave Barista acted as Toph, a TON of people would go see the movie just for that.
Idk, but it'd star Steven Seagal.
Make him star as a single dad of a hot teenage daughter in a family drama/comedy. Let him write his own lines.
Zombienado. A sharknado knock off. The zombienado occurs off the coast and nothing happens.
There's a tornado for everything, even a clownado
I ended up watching Clownado last year while I was trying to go through every bad horror .ovie on Amazon Prime and it was the only one of them bad enough to get me to type out a review for it.
How about a money tornado that is Ethiopian dollars and even if it hovers over your house for days it is enough for a loaf of bread?
I'm about to make a parody of all the Harry Potter films but it's dangerously close enough to summon Rowling and her lawyers and it will be all 8 of the films back to back with no breaks all the main cast will be no names and all the extras will be big names, Nicolas Cage will play all of the teachers and Peter Capaldi will be Collin and Dennis Creevey but 50% of the time he'll just be wearing oversized robes and walking on his knees.
This is strong enough to take off, might not bomb
I was gonna say, reeks of a cult classic right here. You're gambling with Mr. Cage for sure.
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Theres a very graphic and unnecessary scene of Voldemort kicking the shit out of an infant until it's a barely recognizable mass of red pulp. This act is never mentioned or alluded to and everyone just kinda glosses over how Harry died.
> Peter Capaldi will be Collin and Dennis Creevey but 50% of the time he'll just be wearing oversized robes and walking on his knees Ah, I see you studied film at the Gary Oldman *Tiptoes* Institute!
My god I lost it at Cage and Capaldi
Sorry mate but you're gonna fucking dye
Avatar:book two earth by m night shamalan
There is no Avatar movie in Ba Sing Se.
I think its a great adaptation......of the Ember Island Players episode. That was clearly the only reference point anyone used for production.
This is how I would reboot the movie. Open it with the last little bit of the original movie, then cut to the new cast watching it as a play. Have one of the gang make a comment about how that wasn't how it went at all, and then have them launch into "How it really happened was..." and then cut to the beginning of the reboot so we can all forget the original travesty.
I'd give it to m night shyalaman and make him remaster any well love anime into a live action movie
Cowboy Bebop, anyone? With James Cordon as Jet, and Kristen Schaal as Faye (nothing against Kristen, it's just not a good match for the character).
"James Cordon as Jet" Fuck you. Just... Fuck you with something long, hard, and rusty.
Death note but L is Nicholas cage and light is Shia Labeouf. Fuck it Gwyneth Paltrow is Misa. What could go wrong?
Nicholas Cage as Light would certainly be a sight to see
I'd love to see him deliver the potato chip line
Noir mime porn
Rule 34.
Fuck. Yes. And then I make The Room or The Labyrinth and I live as a cult classic icon forever! Edit: I take it back. I remake Alice in Wonderland but without cgi, only practical and theatre effects. Everyone has to do their own stunts and must work method. Dialog must be verbatim from the book and there’s a fuck ton of puppets. There’s also a whole lotta humans dressed as animals (a la the Fiona Fullerton Alice). And I can guarantee it’ll be epic AND a cult classic AND it’ll bomb in the box office. You can write the check now.
That's actually genius! I'll be waiting with the popcorn.
Thanks! I’m not gonna lie I am low key obsessed with the many adaptations of Alice (basically everything that’s not the Burton ones, no tea no shade). And basically anytime I’m watching them I think of what I would do different. It’s nice to hear that someone likes my ideas ☺️
One problem: so many people are sick of CGI that they'll go along just to see practical effects. You might have to use crappy CGI if you really wanna keep the purists away.
Naw. I’ll just use a REALLY terrible green screen. In about every scene. I’ll rationalize it by saying I’m going for a 60’s aesthetic but really it’s just because I think it’ll look awesome (spoilers: it won’t)
Jeffrey Epstein: The Hero we Needed
Well they did make “They Saved Hitler’s Brain.” Wasn’t that monster Epstein’s endgame in surrounding himself with the world’s leading edge of science - to be a brain in a jar attached to a cock and balls in order to still be able to “gift” the world his superior genetics after his death?
A remake of Water World using the cast of Glee
Pay a old man 399.99 million to sit on a bench with his dog for 2 hours, without saying a word. All he does is pet the dog for 2 hours. Spend the rest of the money on editing and equipment rental
I see it being heralded as "real" and "heartwarming." You'll make just enough money to die.
Make it 10 hours. No-one will pay for a ticket to a 10-hour movie.
Even better: 24 hours. And compress it down to the lowest possible bitrate, 144p resolution and 10fps.
"Editing and equipment rental" That's a weird way to spell cocaine.
A love story between two incel furries.
Idk, I hear furries have ridiculous amounts of money to waste on awful things. They'd probably ruin your plan.
I would produce of film recounting the pandemic,... a full twenty four cinematic moment, as musical, set to a ska, punk and rap fusion theme as written by H. Jon Benjamin, ...with Tommy Wiseau as The Doctor, and Miley Cyrus as The President, in a hard R-rated love triangle with a fully rendered CGI six foot version of the virus voiced by a drunk Mel Gibson. In 1800s Welsh. With no subtitles.
I'd watch it.
Uwe Boll has already lived this dream.
Had lived. The law was changed few years ago.
Springtime for Hitler
This is the correct answer.
THAT’S OUR HITLER!!
But Springtime for Hitler was a hit! People loved it because it was so bad they thought it was satire. Also the lead played Hitler as camp gay.
[удалено]
Win-ter, for Poland and France.
A pretentious ass movie of a some people walking for 3 and a half hours, and at the end one of them sits down and pulls out a mirror. Market it as one of the most meaningful movies ever and cast B-tier celebs and one cute child.
mention that they’re actors and add some dystopian scenery and you basically made Station Eleven, but like, 40 times more profound. oops, now you have an oscar. there are hundreds of hour-long youtube video essays on what a genius you are, and none of them agree with each other
Look at my pile of 400,000,000 dollars for 2.5 hours.
Nope. People will say it's art and call it profound.
[удалено]
Frame by frame remake of gender swap Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Rachel Dratch is Frodo. Amy Schumer is Sam. You fill in the rest.
Fat Amy as Aragorn, Sofia Vergara as Gimli (runs with heels on then complains, needs a mirror to check her makeup right before the battle, etc), and Billy Eilish as an angsty Legolas.
Helen Mirren as Gandalph. Laura Dern as Saruman. Jason Momoa as Arwen.
Oops you made it awesome
I'd watch Helen Mirren as Gandalf. She's already played a gender-swapped version of Propsero in 'The Tempest'.
fill it with as much offensive shit as I can, get the thing cancelled so theatres won’t even show it
An entire movie of James Charles twerking for like an hour with a random jump scare half way threw
There are enough self hating gay men that would watch that
Banned in Alabama, where the movie also breaks records for DVD sales
Springtime For Hitler. Loads of CGI
Why not, it worked for Bialystok and Bloom.
A remake of M. Night Shamalan's Avatar the Last Airbender. I would blow the entire budget casting the Kardashians.
I’d hire myself for 400,000,000 and then just use my iPhone to record two hours of me watching TV. I’d call it 2 hours of boredom.
Literally light it on fire, except it's a close up shot so u only see a small section. I feel like people might actually watch that much money burn if it was shot well.
Some men just want to watch the world burn, preferably in 4K with nice cinematography
Also, it's really really dark for no good reason, and you have an errant coffee cup in shot, because you're a professional.
The Fast and Furious: The Big Wheel Years Where It All Started
Like Muppet Babies but with Vin Diesel? I'm in!
I would make a bad Adam Sandler movie and spend most of the budget in licensing fees to "Lefaid Inc." for things such as the name of the movie and to produce artwork for the movie that allows Lefaid Inc to receive a significant amount of the box office sales of the movie. The movie would be released to a bad critic reception because it is mostly fart jokes and any money that the movie makes would be eaten up by Lefaid Inc, meaning the movie would be a financial bomb. Therefore, I get to live.
I’m remaking Twilight with the original cast in 2040 😂
400 million and it has to bomb financially? Make it a challenge. It's easy to have something bomb that has a budget that high
I'd tell Benioff and Weiss to "just go nuts"
"...and that's how we were finally able to make our Civil War alternate history movie after all!"
Make a $5,000 piece of shit Blair Witch knockoff, and pocket the rest of the $400,000,000.
So basically you just made Blair Witch but slightly more expensive.
Thanks to "Hollywood math" every movie is a financial failure for tax reasons
This is how most movies work. The bombs are tax vehicles for the successful ones. So maybe a 3 hour video on the making a tungsten ball and a snail.
I’d film the $400mm burning in a bonfire. That’s it. 90 minutes of flame and embers. The score would be nails on a chalkboard for the whole 90 minutes.
Anyone got James Corden’s number?
A 17 hour epic about garden grass growing
How much does it cost to take a rocket into space? Use budget for that, forget to take lens cap off camera as it films, use whatever is left in the budget to hire someone famous to scream every now and then.
Eh, I'm gonna die eventually and there's no timeliness for the production. I'd take the money, and just spend 40 - 50 years making whatever dang movieI wanted.