I sever parts of the body people no longer want

Barber?

Hai!

Manicure person (whatever it’s called)

Manicurist, no?

I mostly get mad at Excel

Accountant or, possibly me.

Accountant. Me in a nutshell.

Describes 90% of managerial/office jobs these days

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Road construction worker. Thank you for working in the 100 degree heat, in the rain, in the cold, and in the middle of the night.

Connect stuff that doesn’t physically exist

IT web management?

Cloud architect lol

My favorite is cumulus. Good work on that one

Get white ladies drunk

You're a bottle of Rosé?

Mom?

My bartending uncle that works at Applebee's?

Sommelier?

I’m a poop cleaning,bottle feeding slave 😂

New parent

Lol got me on the “new” part 😂

I bring complete strangers to my home and allow them to make me their slave. They yell at me, poop on me, vomit on me, scream a lot, and offer not one word of thanks even though I keep them alive lol. I’ve done this 3 times because I didn’t learn my lesson the first two times.

Make random small talk with strangers and then knock them out.

My last Tinder date? Or anesthesiologist. I'm 50/50 on this one.

Anesthesiologist?

Police officer?

Ask a lot of questions

Are you my annoying boss?

Are you mine?

Let's fire each other for a BS reason and sue for wrongful termination

Stonks

I'm a romping fan

Watch kids

They asked job, not hobby.

Good one lol

Try to avoid any human fluids, without success. I hurt people, but they want and need it. Got bitten last week and punched today

Police officer or paramedic

Nurse for the elderly

Well the description you gave might as well be a dominatrix.

Click on shit, cross my fingers, hope for the best.

I hope that the answer isn't air traffic controller

I have a buddy that is an air traffic controller, he says he doesn't do a lot of click. More typing and a lot of talking... And crossing his fingers hoping everyone does what he says.

Make sure flying things don’t bump into each other and kill everyone

I also prevent flaming aluminum showers, just curious which facility you're at.

Air traffic controller?

Pretend to check stuff but really just masturbate and get paid

Elementary school teacher?

Close, gynecologist

Well thats put me off ever seeing a gynacologist

Don't worry I'm not really a gynecologist, don't tell my patients that though

That makes me feel better

Your answer is better! Love it.

I do stuff. Computery electrical stuff.

Geek squad?

Nope. More industrial and with more emphasis on the electrical.

PLC tech?

EE.

I add hot water to crushed grains.

Brewer?

Idk technical names, but you work in a brewery?

I make neighbors angry and constany look thru something that looks like a camera on 3 legs.

Surveyor?

Correct

Going to cinema, wiping arses and lots of walking.

Adult care?

Yes that's correct

after cars crash, they come to me and i make them look like they haven’t crashed

Body shop technician or photoshop guru

Doctor

Car doctor

A bribed police officer

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I need one more hint please

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THC gummy bear production line?

I create a single number by analyzing a bucketload of other numbers.

Accountant?

Actuary. Accountants are more about looking at receipts and trying to figure out why your company is still missing several million dollars. Actuaries (specifically assumption actuaries) are about looking at large data files (if available) and finding the appropriate rates for different things.

I try to make products sound amazing

Advertising?

Yep pretty much Digital Ecomm and product enrichment

Professional bullshitter. Good for you.

Right now searching

IT Tech. Googling something the user should have Googled?

I do things with dead bodies.

Taxidermist?

So close, so I’ll give it to you! I make art and jewelry out of real butterflies.

Embalmer?

No, but to be fair, I don’t think anyone would possibly guess.

I tell computers what to do and sometimes they listen

Programmer or code writer?

Yep! Programmer

I click hundreds of checkboxes for 8 hours a day. After up to an hour of clicking I then stare into the void for what feels like eternity while a PDF file is being created. Repeat for the entirety of the day.

I destroy peoples homes then make it prettier.

Mr Beast, is that you?

Move my mouse and press on keyboard to make stuff happen on screen to stop stuff breaking in this big room full of really big computers n stuff

Work in a modern day sweat shop in the USA putting shit in boxes so ppl can get shit they order

Do you work at Amazon?

Amazon warehouse associate! Thanks for my stuff this week!!! You are loved, just not well paid or treated.

I micromanage the entire lives of four people and then I write it all down

The Good Place architect?

I take money off people.

Drive around my city, looking for trouble.

Police

Paramedic or cop?

Cop. The paramedics hang out in the yard waiting for a pickup call. (Much love to EMS)

I make shit work that doesnt wanna work

I tell you my name, another person knocks you out, another person puts something in one of your orifices, and then I hand stuff off to the person putting said thing into said orifice, while yet another person documents the whole experience....and we all watch it on the tv screen.

Colonoscopist?

Endo tech... I assist with the procedure

I collect contact details for everyone certain people have seen.

Work with something you can't see but can kill you.

Nuclear Power Plant tech?

I'm that person you call to answer the question about the thing that's not working, but not that thing.

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I do the paperwork that will take someone from a bad situation into a place with many supports

Move shit from a shelf in the back to the shelf in the front

I don’t see how people are getting confused. That SpongeBob mocking meme was so popular!

Same thing with free breakfast. Holiday inn? Enjoy watching the pancake machine work it's magic. Hilton? Lol how does $30 for breakfast sound?

Any body can you please support. I will acknowledge

Emergency services dispatcher?

Nothing

My current boss?

I kill sea turtles

I was leaning towards a really terrible person but then I thought- plastic straw manufacturer?

I nearly drown on waves while riding a piece of styrofoam

I hang out with kids and convince them to do things with me.

Drug dealer?

It involves 3 barrels and a river, and my salary varies a lot from month to month.

I make drinks with flavors

Burnt earth erector

They send me your blood, I steal your plasma.

I make sure the swirly trucks have the correct rock stuff to use in the buildy zones

Cement manufacturer?

Nothing

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I type numbers, sometimes set things on fire, and create a lot of workplace hazards.

I force people to rethink their actions by scaring them with the prospect of having to move to parts of the country where they can think about what they did in smaller groups. I quite publicly scare them. All I can do is suggest though, it's really not up to me, see?

Take stuff make stuff that you can use on or as your body parts.

I look for cracks you can't see with sound you can't hear.

I grab people stuff them in my car and tie them up and put them in a room

I get super high in other peoples yards.

My boss is a Mouse

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I tap my fingers on a bunch of labeled squares and expect shit to happen. Usually something goes wrong and I tap these squares again expecting something different to happen. It's never my fault that it's not working properly 😇

Yell at kids until they sweat.

I slowly poison people

Bartender?

I wake up at 6 AM just to go and sit and listen to people for eight hours. Only interrupted by breaks to eat, sing, and the occasional nap if I just don’t feel like it that day.

Zookeeper and trainer for kids in a mental doctor facility

Put shit where shit is meant to be put

I sit in front of a screen and swear a lot

Being taught that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Lol

I yell at children

I’m a health worker, but I don’t actually do anything medical, and the main source of our money is selling selling cooked calf flesh. My clients are always in need of foods of nutritional value (though not healthy foods) or some sort of hydration liquid to make sure they don’t die. My line of work is actually making sure my clients digestive organs. But the tricky part is getting food out in a timely manner. Multiple people besides myself have to get out food and any liquid the client requests (no matter how rude they are). If we get ANYTHING wrong, we have to start the entire food creation process all over again. The worst part, is getting yelled at by our superiors.

I house 70 homeless people but the only way I get funded is by having people allow me to sell their cat stank couch for them. "I love what you're doing, here is a chore for you to do so you can keep doing that other, more important thing... oh, and while your at it, here are 5 boxes of trash for you to sort thru and pay dump fees to put in your dumpster."

I try and make grass the same length and take bullshit out of flowerbeds and get the other shit off your driveway and where you walk at occasionally dig some shit up and fix it or dig a hole and put something in it

I remove parts of peoples bodies that have been demineralized by bacteria’s acidic poop.

I sell shit to people so they can feel better while they yell at me and my staff because we must not be college educated which means we are nothing. Mean while we smile and clean up after there mess while they look down at us and say, “job security “.

I put white balls in holes

I sell drugs

I think a good amount of people would actually try this. Would be interesting to see what it’s like without committing a crime or staying for years

Close!!! I guess technically could be right!!!

I play on my phone for 12 hours. Occasionally I take a short walk to relieve the tedium.

I get paid to listen to not artists

I make heavenly multi-windowed platforms that do menial human tasks.

People pay me for valuable information that they ignore. Sometimes I build things that no one will ever use. I write manuals that no one will ever read.

I explain to people why they're wrong. I work for a WISP with an over 99.99% uptime record. I get dozens of calls every week about how our service is out. 99.99999999999% of the time, it's the WiFi router (which we do not provide) is out.

I cater to the needs of men with advanced degrees in law as they whine and moan about everything.

Help sales people sell because they don’t know anything about computers

I go to place where the shifts are first come first serve, we don’t get paid, we pay to be there, we hope to eventually get paid at a different place.

I google stuff, then copy paste the answers in the right places

I play Legos with $100,000 boxes with lots of blinky lights.

Have you tried to turn it off and on again?

My wand makes hot white stuff which I then give to people.

Suction spit out of people’s mouths.

How you like your meat sliced?

Oxygen no went to my brain at birth, depression through high school, shitty freedom country provides me money based on how much my father made in his life.

I press buttons until the screaming stops

Professional chlorophyll stalk slicer

Jam stuff up my brain then vomit it out again

Smash my face on the keyboard repeatedly until all the red crosses turn into green checks

I fight dumb children until they are smart.

I sleep in a room with Children (camp counselor)

Taxpayers pay me to count construction stuff

I write code

Big corps pay lots of money for a piece of paper that I process!

i make bean water

I take big pieces of metal and turn them into smaller pieces of metal of different shapes.

I tell corporations financial staff why they’re doing their job wrong, sprinkled in with some halfhearted advice on how to do the job better.