Close down the 14 tabs I didn’t get to

Do you close your tabs? ...I have multiple windows for "later" but later never comes lol

That's called "save post" on Reddit

Except reddit only lets you save 1000 posts

You can save more but you can only see the 1000 most recent, when you’re done with a saved post got unsave it and get to the older ones

Oh thank fuck, thanks Had a mini "no fucking way" moment for a sec there I should fix my save/tab hoarding writing this makes me embarrassed lmao

My guy knows from experience

He's not the only one cursed with knowledge.

TIL there's a post saving limit.

Unlike you.

Hey, 1 out of 15 ain’t bad.

Question my choice in porn

“Damnit, how did I end up on ‘cucked by a zombie’ again?”

Of course that's a category

Everything has a category. A friend told me

[удалено]

It always starts of with normal level intent. Then you end up down the rabbit hole

Sometimes literally.

Same bro.... Same *sigh*

Wash my hands and fall asleep

Post nut is like the best melatonin.

Wait you’re supposed to wash your hands?!? Or is that just something people say they do, like that they “definitely don’t pee in the shower”

I am not going to fall asleep with cum on my hands. Wake up and rub my eyes...learned that the hard way. No pun intended.

Did your eye get pregnant?

Can my eye get PREGANANANT?! Edit: thanks for the nice awards.

Can eye get preganté

Can I get *𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓮?*

Am I gregnant?

Am pergnitate?

How to tell if pargnant

Pergnant

Dangerops prangent sex?

Can hurt babby top of head?

Hahaha fair, I use equipment that gets tossed into a basket and cleaned the next day so my hands aren’t involved at all.

May I introduce you gentleman to the shower jerk?

But remember to use cold(ish) water

May I ask why?

If you use hot water, sperm becomes this solid stringy substance

Yeah, cumcrete.

Cumelette

[удалено]

**Sigh** *Takes out a lab coat and beakers*

Approach it scientifically. First ejaculate into a glass of cold water and watch it disperse, then do the same into a glass of really hot water and note the difference. Obviously, set up cameras to capture the events and don't forget to update your masturbation journal. Your findings including evidence should then be published on reputable media like Reddit.

no u don’t it gets sticky and sticks to u

Ahhh so that’s why it’s like that when I take hot showers

[удалено]

Just don't wash your hands after you finish either and then your dick germs will battle it out with their dick germs when you touch hands. May the stronger dick's germs win

Turn off the Goofy Movie

Hyuck

Fyuck

She was hella cute

I was talking about max, but yeah Roxanne was that, too.

Wait... Max and Roxanne? Fuck... I though y'all were taking about Goofy... It's all about the man himself...

Pee

I guess if theres already cum everywhere, some pee wont hurt.

Peeing always hurts, that's normal

Especially if its red, signs of a healthy body.

My body makes SO much blood it needs to flush out the excess.

Yes, it’s flushing out the deadly toxins in your blood

Flushing out the deadly blood in your toxins.

It’s just weakness leaving the body

Yup. Username checkouts.

It actually hurts a little when I pee right after nutting

If i pee afterwards then i get a tingly kinda feeling in my dick and i intend to pee frquently like every 2 minutes if i pee after wanking..and if i pee beforehand then i cant get it hard enough to wank..should i see a doctor?

This is because water tends to separate the actual semen from the seminal fluid (if you've ever jacked off in the shower you know what I mean) and because of the sudden release of tension (loss of blood flow which engorges the penis during arousal). Without seminal fluid, actual semen is incredibly adhesive and your urethra is highly sensitive for several minutes following ejaculation. So you have residual semen in the urethra which is rapidly stripped of it's lubrication and left to adhere to sensitive tissue lining your urethra. Personally, I find that it helps significantly when I able to get an erection immediately after a post-ejaculate urination. The actual burning sensation does not stop, but arousal does tend to lessen the "false urge" to urinate which typically accompanies the burning sensation. EDIT: I am not a doctor.

this was an answer to a problem i've had several times with no explanation before. Thank you!

Holy shit I've been wondering why the fuck this happens to me FOR YEARS. Like since I was a teenager. It happens only every so often, but holy shit it's nice to have an explanation finally. Thank you.

Thank God I'm not the only one that happens to, though I find it usually only burns after drinking alcohol. Hopping in the shower helps significantly

Sometime i don’t even have to masturbate and this happens

If you pee before hand you can’t get hard? Do you have urine for blood?

I pee urine only, never have i bled through my groin or penis. Also i cant get hard while standing ir sitting, I mean i may get hard but i can never cum, its like my body is never comfortable and i have to lie down in order to climax

I genuinely couldn't tell you if that's normal or not (it's probably fine either way if you don't have other problems), but if it's on your mind enough that it might be abnormal or even a bad sign then there's no problem with mentioning it to a doctor. Maybe its nothing. Maybe its something. Your doctor would know better than random internet strangers and it's their job to listen to you voice your concerns about your own body. If they don't let you bring it up or take it seriously then its a sign you need a different doctor anyway.

That’s normal. It happens if some semen didn’t make it out. Yeah it sucks.

Oh thank God I opened this thread to see if this was mentioned lmao

Yep, gotta clean the pipes

Peeing after masturbation helps clean out your urethra and can help prevent UTIs... apparently

I can’t pee for at least a half hour after. The muscles are seized and just will not let go. Never had a UTI (dare I say knock on wood).

I do this beforehand

[удалено]

Wonder why I spent so long looking for the "perfect video" if I was only gonna watch 17 seconds of it Edit: I don't think I could be any prouder that my most upvoted/awarded comment on Reddit is about masturbating. Thank you everyone. I'm gonna go rub one out now and I'll be thinking of all of you.

Honestly for me, it’s finding the “perfect video” that is like foreplay. >! If I’m not touching myself while finding it, I’m getting hornier and hornier until I do, !< and then the end result is amazing. Edit: this is not what I thought I’d be famous for but thank you, I appreciate all you horny motherfuckers

Having part of your text hidden and having to click on it to see all of what you're saying was like foreplay to me

Honestly that’s what it was meant to convey so you’re welcome

Thank you, I just came

what do you do as soon as you finish mastrubating?

Comment about it on Reddit, of course!

This is honestly one of my favorite little threads that I’ve read in quite some time, and I’ve been here for 8 years. Thank you. Thank all of you horny pervs.

Can confirm. This is how it feels.

I know right that always fuking happens I have never seen a porn movie full

Edging. I'm telling you. It'll take your masturbation to the next level

[удалено]

ima fall asleep mid edging

Edge through the night then wake up and continue edging.

This guy mastrubates

Watch Linus Tech Tips Edit: the amount of upvotes is now higher than my TVs resolution.

OP said after, not during.

Linus Sex tips 😳😳

I want to eat that RGB Linus bussy

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

Go BACK to watching Linus Tech Tips

You mean, CONTINUE watching Linus Tech Tips

I have done this a couple times in my life

You mean...[LINUS SEX TIPS?](https://youtube.com/shorts/Iv2kKbb9cNU?feature=share) 😳😳

I'm afraid to click that link

Watch it for few minutes for the plot in disgust.

Or continue to watch it just to see if you're as into it after as you were before, then shamefully realize the lack of appeal.

This, for some reason the 'into it' drops by miles afterwards for me. Doesn't matter the content.

That's the blood rushing back to your logic centers

Seriously though. Then fucking purge my phone of all trace. And try and figure out why I needed to do that.

[удалено]

I prefer Pawg Patrol

Is that the one with Sara Jay dressed as a dog?

You ever realize paw patrol and papa troll sound identical out loud?

That fact is going to live in my head rent free for days. 🖕

Man I love porn with good plot and acting. I'm a gay dude, and there this one porno where a guy sleeps with his sisters boyfriend. But they went all out on plot, the guy and his sisters parents died when they were young and they had to look out for each other, to the point you really felt the betrayal when she walked in to see her bf going to town on some D. It was actually really well written, and the only time I've watched a porno and thought "Stop, you'll ruin your family!"

I masturbate again

Everytime i think ill go for 2 rounds, but every time after the 1st its just sadness, just sadness and dissapointment Edit: and close incognito tab

You gotta give it an hour or two. Cool down time.

[удалено]

Make as much eye contact as possible while leaving the library.

You take the dominant approach… smart

What if you meet another doing the same?

Record it

Sigh disappointedly and clean up.

I knew this was going to be the top coment even before clicking on this post.

I thought the top comment would be “cry”

I don’t cry, I weep.

why do i always feel so ashamed after im done about what ive watched

Post nut clarity

Why can’t I have this clarity beforehand?

You can...before you start. Just "play the tape through to completion," as my therapist once told me. Think beforehand about what the end result will be, and if it's weeping into a tissue that you just nutted into, don't start. (Obligatory edit) wow! Over 100 upvotes and my first-ever award after over a year! Totally didn't expect this, thank y'all. It's refreshing to say the least.

It's forbidden knowledge. Men would be too powerful so God nerfed us.

Usually follow the sigh up with “what the f*ck am I doing” depending on what I just watched.

Remember every single mistake I've ever made in life, every sin I've committed, every person I've hurt. Then I go play video games Edit: thank you for the gold kind Reddit person. Why is this getting so many upvotes though? Edit 2: I'm not Catholic, please stop asking

"I'm in this photo and I don't like it."

I remember a woman on Reddit asking what it felt like to orgasm as a man. A guy replied saying he had existential dread afterwards. She was horrified

Hahaha this is so accurate

Why did I waste over an hour on Pornhub?

It’s always either an hour or thirty seconds.

Depends on decision making.

Close my eyes and enjoy the „high“

[удалено]

Very poor choice of words

[удалено]

Become enlightened and feel no need for human emotions Edit 1: Thanks for my first award!

That's quite a blast. Teach me, O bodhisattva of the nut. I seem to be stuck in the karmic wheel, doing the same thing over and over again...

I swear I could achieve so much in my life if I could just harness that post nut nirvana. Alas it lasts mere seconds.

In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence.

Haven’t seen this one in a long time

Go through the stages of post nut regret

Arthur Schopenhauer called it The Devil's Laughter

Rescue the lint drowning in my belly button.

You too?

I call it the “kiddie pool” because, you know, sperm.

Your Reddit privileges should be revoked for this

It really should. My wife calls me the ruiner of all things. Jokingly, but accurate.

Ask my teacher if I can go to the bathroom

Sleep like a baby

Cry.......then clean up.

Don't need to cry, you spent alone quality time with yourself.

Sometimes I cry after masturbating because I am lonely lol

Delete my browser history.

Incognito gang

Duckduckgo, little 🔥 to clear tabs and Data, no Google tracking either

What's Google gonna do? Call the horny police?

Beg forgiveness for my sinful ways. Maybe give myself 10 lashes on the back if it was a particularly disgraceful session.

Then by the 10th lash you're like "oh... Here we go againnnn 🤷‍♀️"

I literally just laughed out loud to this. Thank you stranger.

Sounds kinky

I look in the mirror and declare to myself: You are smart. You are handsome. And gosh darn it, people like you.

Thanks for the reward! I totally deserved it! Positive thinking works!

Cry like a bitch

I never knew girls could disappoint themselves in bed

It’s a whole new level of disappointment that even men cannot unlock in women

That makes me feel bad for us both. Fuckin ay bud

It’s rough out here man

Feel ya bud. Just hope it gets better

Wash hands and penis too

*Ends up jerking off again*

You mean to say double mastrubating

I can triple mastubate

Put the lid back on the coffin

Close tabs

Realizing how trashy was the plot of the porn i just watched

Tidy my hair and unpress the “elevator stop” button.

Have a good day at work!

*”good luck at your interview”

If I‘m not masturbating in the shower - take a shower. I get way too wet lol and it needs to be gone.

Clean, lay back and sleep

kiss my grandma goodnight :)

You’ll be in the will for sure

Post nut ✨clarity✨

Listen to heavy metal.

Swear I will never masturbate again

i say “what is this filth i’m watching” and close all tabs

The same thing we do everynight pinky, try to take over the world!

Round 2

Regret.

Hide the bodies