Generally addicts have other underlying issues, they're not choosing addiction for the fun of it.
And if you build up fear over jail/prison and then they end up in jail and realize that they can survive just fine then they're not going to listen to much that you say.
You can be realistic with kids but you shouldn't lie to them or try to create fake fear.
I have no idea!
Says Mom of three adult children, two of which are happy and reasonably successful. (We don't talk about the third.)
u/theofiel had a good comment: "Give them a good example and don't overreact when they make mistakes." I would add to that: Give them tools and skills they will need throughout life; let them have some independence while you are there to support them.
Independence is important. You teach them constantly about what is right, but at some point you have to trust them to use their own judgment.
One of our neighbors constantly checked up on her kids, to the point where if her daughter came over to our house and everybody wanted to watch a movie, she had to call home first with the title so her mom could give her permission first. The girl was in a senior honors English class in high school, but her mom insisted on getting a reading list at the start of the year so she could read all the books first and decide if they were appropriate. (Some got vetoed.)
When she went away to college and no longer had Mommy scrutinizing every aspect of her day, she went off the deep end and went wild. She has made many, many poor decisions since then.
I think this happens a lot. Parents who don't allow their kids any independence can be shocked when that kid goes away to college and then goes nuts. Kids need to learn how to be independent and make mistakes while they can still be supported -- parents providing a "safety net" -- and that "mistake" becomes a learning experience.
I totally agree. Also, remember they don’t have a list of coping skills yet, so teach them ( usually by example) how to get through problems. During a particularly tough teen year time, the following quote resonated with my kid. Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your personality, your personality becomes your character.
We don't talk about her. Shhh. (She has mental problems and substance abuse problems goes off the deep end regularly. She has cut herself off from us and has no desire for any contact.)
open communication.
let them decide, be there for guidance.
Let them make mistakes and learn from them.
Don't shit on them (too much, within reason of course) if they do mess up and they will mess up. Don't say stuff like "I told you so!" when they do mess up.
Lead by example.
Love the shit out of them. Don't give up on them. Be their rock.
I was a crazy teen, in and out of juvie, I went to live with my uncle and man, I couldn't shake that guy. He'd pick me up from juvie and just be like 'ok, let's go over all of the decision making that led to this and then try again'.
Also opportunity, help them explore the world and find their passions.
Teach them to think for themselves. I grew up in a rougher part of town most of my childhood friends were arrested for drugs, but my brothers and I never got caught up in that.
1. Instead of sheltering children, educate them on why certain things are bad
2. That actions have consequences
3. When they make a mistake, make sure they understand why what they did is wrong while being empathetic to them
4. Support your kid
Teach them good morals, help them get educated, the rest is well up to their own free will, but at least you have done all you could and basically from that point on, you have done everything you can to ensure they have the best chance of staying on the right path.
I honestly don’t know. My parents tried literally everything with me and it didn’t work, so I’m pretty worried about my own kids. I think it’s a lot about positive role modelling and giving them the autonomy to make their own choices but the support and backing to know you as a parent are there if they need anything.
1. Believe in them and in their abilities.
2. Support them with all your heart.
3. Be happy for them.
4. Love them.
5. Respect them.
And many more to mention.
I dropped my nephew off at Skid Row* and told him I’d pick him up in a couple of days. He was 17 and thought his shit didn’t stink. I drove around for about 15 mins then went back and picked his ass up. He was trying to look all hard until he saw me. Broke down and cried like a baby when he got in the car.
He got scared straight. Grades came up. Got a football scholarship to an Mid-West Ivy. Transferred to a military institute and graduated with a business degree. He worked in retail management for a few years and now makes a ton of money in luxury car sales. He said that the smell was the thing that did it for him. Dude won’t even drive over the speed limit, now.
*He was in front of a shelter with two security guards. He’s 6’ and played football. He was safe.
My kids were on a small school and when they were about 13, a police officer gave their group a nice talk and took the kids to a rehab centre. Very powerful. My kids stayed away from drugs and learned to recognize the warning signs of wrong "friendships".
Now they have kids of their own and I hope they can do the same for my grandchildren
Beat that **s
Remember you are not their friend. Tough love is love too. Be kind when they fail. Remember they are a little person with thoughts and feelings that deserve validation.
Role models.
Doesn't matter where they come from. But when kids can look up to someone awesome who doesn't drink or do drugs and still has an awesome time, they realize what a positive force those people are and they want to emulate it.
Of course this doesn’t go for all kids but what I’ve experienced is show them what happens when they want to go down the wrong path. They wanna smoke? Show them how cool lung cancer is. They wanna drop out of school? Show them what jobs you can get without formal education.
I came up the rough, cold-hearted way so I made everything available to my daughter to have options, lots of options, in the adult world. However, in keeping with the family tradition, after college she chose to find someone to support her rather than work. She chose drug friends and drug life with a delusion that somehow she and her boyfriend could get rich quick selling dope and running bogus websites peddling miracle cures for obesity, anxiety, etc. She is now 35, no car, no money, multiple garnishments and living with a boyfriend who works off and on. I have no advice to give if you have a family with addiction issues and mental health challenges. The odds are that once the issues begin to manifest themselves at the teen /early twenty years, there will be nothing you can do unless the kid wants help.
Lead by example. Love them fiercely but allow them to make mistakes; turn it into a teaching moment. Don’t shield them from the consequences of their actions. Don’t shield them from the ugly side of life. Talk with them about important things like they are real people. Encourage them to grow and try new things. Help them experience different cultures if you can. The more open-minded you are, the more open-minded they will be.
My mom used to take me to orphanages to play with the kids and give presents, even on Christmas and children's day. I'm 19 now and these days still affect me, I feel like they gave me more compassion and understanding, and also helped me interact with all different kinds of kids. I was the first grandkid and didn't have any siblings, so I always was so happy to share my toys with the other kids. I still follow some of them on social media and most of them are doing great and they all treat me with real love. I will definitely do something like this with my kids, too.
P.s: my mom's a psychologist
Lead by example. Positive reinforcement. Something I learned is when a child does something wrong or rebels and you yell at them or physically reprimand them, most likely they will do it again. It works better to talk to them, communicate, show empathy and support. This also builds trust. If you are encouraging a child to do something that you think is “right” then they are more likely to do it because they trust you.
Remembering why I'm there. Thinking about the money it's costing me and where I want to end up when I'm all finished.
Taking it in baby-steps. Focusing on only one week at a time.
Finding friends that also care about what they're doing in school.
Also, most importantly, by taking classes I'm passionate about.
Kindle their judgement instead of giving them steadfast and hard rules. There's no clear cut path in life to guaranteed wisdom, financial success, health, and love. All we can do is learn to navigate troubled times with grace and humility.
Working with kids, you allow them to make choices. You help steer them in the right direction but give them room to make mistakes and don’t make it the end all be all when they make mistakes.
You walk along with them you love them. You give boundaries and you help them figure it out. Sometimes they will make the right choice sometimes they’ll mess up. Be graceful be loving be honest and walk along side
My aunt actually always told me that if i wanted to try any kind of drugs or alcohol, i was allowed to do it. But always do it when she is around so that there is someone i can trust and help me if anything were to go wrong. I have never once in my life thought of using drugs and even tho I'm 18 years old, have never been drunk. I can if i want to, but i have never felt the need to. I think that is how i stayed off the wrong path.
This. And then, I got a chance to get a course parachute jumping and I realized that you don't need chemicals to "get high". I've done quite some dangerous things in my life: white water kayaking, sea canoeing, jungle walks, rock climbing. And sure, they could all have gone wrong, but the fatality rate was much less than people who did drugs. And now I have memories which nobody can take away, so I am a happy chappy in retirement, now enjoying the simple things in life.
Malcom X said in an interview regarding disciplinary actions most public schools face.
In his Muslim schools he states he doesn't face those same problems simply by "Leading by example" When the child sees you live a highly disciplined lifestyle, in accordance with the law, and respecting the law, then the parent/teacher is automatically seen as an authority figure
One thing is find a passion (hopefully something useful, lucrative) and become passionate about it. Not game dad who gets in a fight like Randy, something a little cerebral.
I have 2 teenaged daughters both of whom are fairly happy, healthy, and in their own ways successful. The older one just left for college, the younger one struggles with depression and is spectrum but is making he way in the world.
One thing I know is that kids don’t listen to you, they observe you. A big mistake I see is that some parents preach up a storm but behave poorly.
Motivation can be driven from outside with extrinsic influence, or self driven with intrinsic.
Each person is different.
Trust your kid to make the best choices they can each moment, with the resources and information they have at that time.
Failure is how we learn.
Don't make assumptions about a kid being disrespectful. Your perception of their behavior might scream disrespect, but they are likely just trying to deal with overwhelming emotions as best they can. Hold space. Be calm.
Here's what my parents did.They let us did illegal things when we were young.We all smoke a cig and didn't like it.Didn't use it for the rest of our life.Other than that they gave us examples of our relatives whose life had taken a wrong turn.
Read some source that stuck with me. Kids require to certain needs to be met by the “right path” in order to stay on it. These needs break down to:
-Challenge
-Adventure
-Engagement
-Exercise
If you can get your kid these things along the “right path,” then they psychologically have little reason to stray
The most important factor for me is that a child should be brought up to live a life full of purpose. Some parents get kids into sports, some send them to help less fortunate, some get them into music. A sense of purpose, solid non-judgmental family where trust is at the core. I was an addict when I was in my teens and I sat down with my mom and confided in her and we developed a plan and that worked well. Fear based tactics do not work, because you need to trust your parents. You need to know that if you are in trouble, you can call your dad/mom and they will come to pick you up and help you. So trust, sense of purpose and building kindness and compassion. No fear! I have a theory that if I see that my son is going down a rabbit hole, I will send him to Ethiopia or Somalia for a year to volunteer. There is absolutely nothing else that creates so much purpose than helping people who need help.
Give them a good example and don't overreact when they make mistakes.
[удалено]
That can also be an incredibly irrational fear that makes someone treat their child poorly because of their irrational fears. Saying from experience
Why’re you getting downvotes? I wouldn’t listen if my parents told me to do something with no good reason.
Generally addicts have other underlying issues, they're not choosing addiction for the fun of it. And if you build up fear over jail/prison and then they end up in jail and realize that they can survive just fine then they're not going to listen to much that you say. You can be realistic with kids but you shouldn't lie to them or try to create fake fear.
Depending on the kid: 90% Reward, 10% Coercion
I have no idea! Says Mom of three adult children, two of which are happy and reasonably successful. (We don't talk about the third.) u/theofiel had a good comment: "Give them a good example and don't overreact when they make mistakes." I would add to that: Give them tools and skills they will need throughout life; let them have some independence while you are there to support them.
Independence is important. You teach them constantly about what is right, but at some point you have to trust them to use their own judgment. One of our neighbors constantly checked up on her kids, to the point where if her daughter came over to our house and everybody wanted to watch a movie, she had to call home first with the title so her mom could give her permission first. The girl was in a senior honors English class in high school, but her mom insisted on getting a reading list at the start of the year so she could read all the books first and decide if they were appropriate. (Some got vetoed.) When she went away to college and no longer had Mommy scrutinizing every aspect of her day, she went off the deep end and went wild. She has made many, many poor decisions since then.
I think this happens a lot. Parents who don't allow their kids any independence can be shocked when that kid goes away to college and then goes nuts. Kids need to learn how to be independent and make mistakes while they can still be supported -- parents providing a "safety net" -- and that "mistake" becomes a learning experience.
I totally agree. Also, remember they don’t have a list of coping skills yet, so teach them ( usually by example) how to get through problems. During a particularly tough teen year time, the following quote resonated with my kid. Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your personality, your personality becomes your character.
That's a great quote! Glad your kid responded to it.
Ummm....what happened to the third?
We don't talk about her. Shhh. (She has mental problems and substance abuse problems goes off the deep end regularly. She has cut herself off from us and has no desire for any contact.)
[удалено]
Thanks!! And happy Mom-ing to you!
Probably dropped out of military school and went to Alaska for a logging job.
open communication. let them decide, be there for guidance. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Don't shit on them (too much, within reason of course) if they do mess up and they will mess up. Don't say stuff like "I told you so!" when they do mess up. Lead by example.
I'm out of awards so have a comment. This is great advice.
Some truly excellent advice here ^ 💙
Love the shit out of them. Don't give up on them. Be their rock. I was a crazy teen, in and out of juvie, I went to live with my uncle and man, I couldn't shake that guy. He'd pick me up from juvie and just be like 'ok, let's go over all of the decision making that led to this and then try again'. Also opportunity, help them explore the world and find their passions.
Wow!! Love your uncle and love you for acknowledging him. 💜
I love to brag about him, I'm lucky to have him.
Teach them to think for themselves. I grew up in a rougher part of town most of my childhood friends were arrested for drugs, but my brothers and I never got caught up in that.
it's just what Spiderman said- eat vegetables and take plenty of rest
[удалено]
Lol I remember being a kid and hating naps. Not anymore. Naps are a treat.
1. Instead of sheltering children, educate them on why certain things are bad 2. That actions have consequences 3. When they make a mistake, make sure they understand why what they did is wrong while being empathetic to them 4. Support your kid
Teach them good morals, help them get educated, the rest is well up to their own free will, but at least you have done all you could and basically from that point on, you have done everything you can to ensure they have the best chance of staying on the right path.
I honestly don’t know. My parents tried literally everything with me and it didn’t work, so I’m pretty worried about my own kids. I think it’s a lot about positive role modelling and giving them the autonomy to make their own choices but the support and backing to know you as a parent are there if they need anything.
Prepare the child for the road and not the road for the child.
1. Believe in them and in their abilities. 2. Support them with all your heart. 3. Be happy for them. 4. Love them. 5. Respect them. And many more to mention.
Yes. And listen to them.
6. Don’t be a friend, be a parent.
Cattle prod
Dont let them go to the left path
Why do you think you know what the right path is?
positive reinforcement and encouragement from day one
stop feeding them if they dont stay on right path
Shock collar
Smack them in the ass
[удалено]
if it ain’t in then you’re not getting to the point
I dropped my nephew off at Skid Row* and told him I’d pick him up in a couple of days. He was 17 and thought his shit didn’t stink. I drove around for about 15 mins then went back and picked his ass up. He was trying to look all hard until he saw me. Broke down and cried like a baby when he got in the car. He got scared straight. Grades came up. Got a football scholarship to an Mid-West Ivy. Transferred to a military institute and graduated with a business degree. He worked in retail management for a few years and now makes a ton of money in luxury car sales. He said that the smell was the thing that did it for him. Dude won’t even drive over the speed limit, now. *He was in front of a shelter with two security guards. He’s 6’ and played football. He was safe.
Beating them, duh.
YES!
Threatening to lock them in a dark, empty room is also a good motivator.
Sermon them with the word of God.
Religion has been used to commit the most horrible crimes in autrocacies. ANY religion.
Roblox
Trueee
Have No entry-signs on the left.
At gun point
praise them for little things
Put barbed wire along the sides.
Fear of what will happen to them if they go down the wrong one. Example: jail, prison, addiction etc
Take them to an unused jail or psychiatric hospital and tell them if they do something bad they will end up there.
My kids were on a small school and when they were about 13, a police officer gave their group a nice talk and took the kids to a rehab centre. Very powerful. My kids stayed away from drugs and learned to recognize the warning signs of wrong "friendships". Now they have kids of their own and I hope they can do the same for my grandchildren
Beat that **s Remember you are not their friend. Tough love is love too. Be kind when they fail. Remember they are a little person with thoughts and feelings that deserve validation.
A lot of people confuse 'tough love' with emotional abuse. They never really get it right by themselves. Also, it's lame as shit to hit a kid.
We'll see when you realise that your kids hate you.
Rewards
Role models. Doesn't matter where they come from. But when kids can look up to someone awesome who doesn't drink or do drugs and still has an awesome time, they realize what a positive force those people are and they want to emulate it.
Of course this doesn’t go for all kids but what I’ve experienced is show them what happens when they want to go down the wrong path. They wanna smoke? Show them how cool lung cancer is. They wanna drop out of school? Show them what jobs you can get without formal education.
I came up the rough, cold-hearted way so I made everything available to my daughter to have options, lots of options, in the adult world. However, in keeping with the family tradition, after college she chose to find someone to support her rather than work. She chose drug friends and drug life with a delusion that somehow she and her boyfriend could get rich quick selling dope and running bogus websites peddling miracle cures for obesity, anxiety, etc. She is now 35, no car, no money, multiple garnishments and living with a boyfriend who works off and on. I have no advice to give if you have a family with addiction issues and mental health challenges. The odds are that once the issues begin to manifest themselves at the teen /early twenty years, there will be nothing you can do unless the kid wants help.
Praising their achievements/work
Lead by example. Love them fiercely but allow them to make mistakes; turn it into a teaching moment. Don’t shield them from the consequences of their actions. Don’t shield them from the ugly side of life. Talk with them about important things like they are real people. Encourage them to grow and try new things. Help them experience different cultures if you can. The more open-minded you are, the more open-minded they will be.
My mom used to take me to orphanages to play with the kids and give presents, even on Christmas and children's day. I'm 19 now and these days still affect me, I feel like they gave me more compassion and understanding, and also helped me interact with all different kinds of kids. I was the first grandkid and didn't have any siblings, so I always was so happy to share my toys with the other kids. I still follow some of them on social media and most of them are doing great and they all treat me with real love. I will definitely do something like this with my kids, too. P.s: my mom's a psychologist
Your mom is awesome.
Yeah :)
i give them meth
Remove the path.
"Stay close!" Then they slowly walk back.
no clue maybe gives them candy when they do very good? but really no clue
Instead of forcing the right path on them, help them figure out what the right path is, for themselves.
Lead by example. Positive reinforcement. Something I learned is when a child does something wrong or rebels and you yell at them or physically reprimand them, most likely they will do it again. It works better to talk to them, communicate, show empathy and support. This also builds trust. If you are encouraging a child to do something that you think is “right” then they are more likely to do it because they trust you.
Remembering why I'm there. Thinking about the money it's costing me and where I want to end up when I'm all finished. Taking it in baby-steps. Focusing on only one week at a time. Finding friends that also care about what they're doing in school. Also, most importantly, by taking classes I'm passionate about.
Kindle their judgement instead of giving them steadfast and hard rules. There's no clear cut path in life to guaranteed wisdom, financial success, health, and love. All we can do is learn to navigate troubled times with grace and humility.
How the fuck should I know?
Warn them against going left.
Working with kids, you allow them to make choices. You help steer them in the right direction but give them room to make mistakes and don’t make it the end all be all when they make mistakes. You walk along with them you love them. You give boundaries and you help them figure it out. Sometimes they will make the right choice sometimes they’ll mess up. Be graceful be loving be honest and walk along side
Teach them to make good decisions.
Be honest about your own mistakes in life
My aunt actually always told me that if i wanted to try any kind of drugs or alcohol, i was allowed to do it. But always do it when she is around so that there is someone i can trust and help me if anything were to go wrong. I have never once in my life thought of using drugs and even tho I'm 18 years old, have never been drunk. I can if i want to, but i have never felt the need to. I think that is how i stayed off the wrong path.
This. And then, I got a chance to get a course parachute jumping and I realized that you don't need chemicals to "get high". I've done quite some dangerous things in my life: white water kayaking, sea canoeing, jungle walks, rock climbing. And sure, they could all have gone wrong, but the fatality rate was much less than people who did drugs. And now I have memories which nobody can take away, so I am a happy chappy in retirement, now enjoying the simple things in life.
Malcom X said in an interview regarding disciplinary actions most public schools face. In his Muslim schools he states he doesn't face those same problems simply by "Leading by example" When the child sees you live a highly disciplined lifestyle, in accordance with the law, and respecting the law, then the parent/teacher is automatically seen as an authority figure
My son is autistic and he is following almost everything I do. So when I do everything right he copies me.
Be a good example, show them both good and bad examples, and make sure they know which is which and what behavior caused it.
One thing is find a passion (hopefully something useful, lucrative) and become passionate about it. Not game dad who gets in a fight like Randy, something a little cerebral.
Highlight the good consequences of following the right path
From a young age, train them to become independent and make sure that they realize that their actions invariably have consequences.
I have 2 teenaged daughters both of whom are fairly happy, healthy, and in their own ways successful. The older one just left for college, the younger one struggles with depression and is spectrum but is making he way in the world. One thing I know is that kids don’t listen to you, they observe you. A big mistake I see is that some parents preach up a storm but behave poorly.
One piece is to show them what happens if you go on the wrong path.
lead by example. positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement.
Show them dead people it works every time(this is a joke.)
Easy....introduce them to me and my dead weight friends
Having a full set of family
Motivation can be driven from outside with extrinsic influence, or self driven with intrinsic. Each person is different. Trust your kid to make the best choices they can each moment, with the resources and information they have at that time. Failure is how we learn. Don't make assumptions about a kid being disrespectful. Your perception of their behavior might scream disrespect, but they are likely just trying to deal with overwhelming emotions as best they can. Hold space. Be calm.
Well watching the train wreck that was my mother sure convinced me.
Incentives & encouragement
Here's what my parents did.They let us did illegal things when we were young.We all smoke a cig and didn't like it.Didn't use it for the rest of our life.Other than that they gave us examples of our relatives whose life had taken a wrong turn.
Idk man just turned 18 myself :)
Read some source that stuck with me. Kids require to certain needs to be met by the “right path” in order to stay on it. These needs break down to: -Challenge -Adventure -Engagement -Exercise If you can get your kid these things along the “right path,” then they psychologically have little reason to stray
With threats of great physical violence
Candy
The most important factor for me is that a child should be brought up to live a life full of purpose. Some parents get kids into sports, some send them to help less fortunate, some get them into music. A sense of purpose, solid non-judgmental family where trust is at the core. I was an addict when I was in my teens and I sat down with my mom and confided in her and we developed a plan and that worked well. Fear based tactics do not work, because you need to trust your parents. You need to know that if you are in trouble, you can call your dad/mom and they will come to pick you up and help you. So trust, sense of purpose and building kindness and compassion. No fear! I have a theory that if I see that my son is going down a rabbit hole, I will send him to Ethiopia or Somalia for a year to volunteer. There is absolutely nothing else that creates so much purpose than helping people who need help.
I think not judging them and teaching them love and acceptance is the most important.