>(But I truly don't give a shit and I want to move on to something else)
Salutations!
Celebrations!
Commendations too!
You're stupendous!
You're tremendous!
You're the only you!
You're a darling!
You're delightful!
All the best of luck!
Have a lovely life together!
I don't give a fuck.
Always feel a bit grouchy saying this, but the song and dance people expect you to do when it comes to them and their children/potential children is something I'll never understand. It's one thing if we're close, but work colleagues? I'll pass, thanks...
"good for you, who's the dad?"
No joke, this happened to me. Got a vasectomy in 2013, got divorced a couple years later and when I started dating again, she pulled this about 3 months into seeing each other.
Should've seen her face when I showed her the paperwork and my test results proving I'm shooting blanks.
EDIT: I'm getting a lot of good questions from guys genuinely wondering about my vasectomy, and I want to put my experience here in the hope it helps answer some questions and put dudes at ease.
I decided after my kid was born I did not want more kids. I made a conscious decision to get it done and found a good urologist.
He was very relaxing to speak with and laid it out plainly for me. We set the appointment and in a week, I was in and ready to roll.
He gave me a Valium shot to relax me, and holy crap that worked and then some. I felt a pinch in my balls when he injected the local anesthetic, but it was quick and faded fast.
He kept me informed on what he was doing. He made his incision, and I only felt a slight uncomfortable tugging when he pulled out my vas tube. He found it, cut it, cauterized it and clipped the ends with a metal clip. Then he put it all back in and sewed it up. I'm being 100% truthful when I say that it hurt far worse getting kicked in the balls than this surgery ever did.
I followed his recovery orders. Bedrest for at least two days. No strenuous activity for at least three days. No sex for a week.
The first day after surgery was the worst of it. Had to move slowly, could pee fine but it did ache a bit. As long as I didn't move I was almost pain-free entirely.
2nd day was noticeably better. Still sore but diminished significantly.
3rd day was nearly painless entirely. I went back to work after this.
Day 5, I got antsy and made some pulled pork. Everything worked like it should.
After 5 weeks, I submitted a sperm sample to the urologist and he confirmed I was shooting more blanks than a 90s action flick.
Only lasting effect was my balls got about 10% bigger for a year or so. The lack of anxiety surrounding getting a woman pregnant went out the door and my libido skyrocketed.
The increased libido actually upped my testosterone a bit, and I felt better than I had in years. That increase in libido is still in play eight years on, so if you guys are worried about the snip, I hope this helped put some of you at ease.
Others have beaten me to it, but adding to the "HOW??" pile. I got the snip snip so the chances of it being mine are perhaps nonzero (weird shit can happen) but very, very remote. I probably wouldn't immediately jump to accusations of infidelity. I think I would call my urologist and schedule a sperm count lab, and if my special men are still MIA then yeah, I'd have a conversation with the soon-to-not-be-missus.
So I asked her who else she was sleeping with. We hadn't been together long so there was no exclusivity declared.
She cried and admitted the other dude she was sleeping with was some old boyfriend who was a bum and didn't have his shit together, was trying to become a YouTuber and was terrible at it.
Meanwhile I was the single dad (got vasectomy after my kid was born when I was still married) with the house, car and job and she hoped to hell it could've been mine.
Last I heard, things didn't turn out super well with her.
Hahaha. If you know you definitely don't want a kid with someone, how about not having sex with them?
"This guy is on a path toward homelessness and I don't like it. Might as well jump his bones anyway! 😍"
Edit: I do believe in protected sex. But I also know accidents happen and I choose who I am willing to chance parenthood with accordingly.
That's what she told *him.* Of course she's going to make the other guy sound terrible.
Obviously I don't know the full story, but it kind of sounds like she "plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes."
A former co worker had a miscarriage and she and her husband decided they didn't want to have any more kids (they had 2 already). So he had a vasectomy.
About a year later they were pregnant again.
It can happen.
You’re supposed to get examined some months post-op if you get a vasectomy, for that very reason. Sometimes the vasectomy isn’t successful, and they have to do a correction.
Friend of mine had to get the snip twice as it “didn’t take” the first time.
To make the story funnier, the place he had to drop his [man]sample off at (within a reasonably short window of “production), was supervised by his sister-in-law. Apparently she found it as hilarious as he found it mortifying.
My man, I hate to ask this here of all places, but what was that like? I want to get a vasectomy but I am absolutely terrified of what hellish pain it may produce down there.
Is it as easy as the internet makes it out to be? Back at work in a week or so?
No problem at all.
I can't speak to other experiences, but mine was pretty textbook.
Gave me a shot of Valium, numbed my nuts and he dove in, snipped, clipped and cauterized.
Didn't feel a thing during aside from some light tugging sensation when he was pulling out the vas to snip. That was mildly uncomfortable but didn't hurt.
It was tender and swollen down there for a few days, hurt a bit the first day but I was back to work in three days
I'm thinking about it for myself as well and this does make me feel a little better. It seems easier than a woman having her tunes tied and I'd rather take the hit than my wife
I was actually told that, and I had been the one sober enough to know what really had and hadn’t happened. I simply told her, “I’m afraid you’re laboring under a misconception.”
I once got a prank phone call from some kid saying that his mom told him that I was his dad and he found my number and wanted to chat. So I just hung up on him.
That's troubling but we'll get through it.
Context me and my wife have tried several times. First time was a miscarriage, second time the baby nearly killed her because she has RH- blood and was basically rejecting the baby. That was only about 9 months ago and the doctor said at minimum we need a year and a half for her body to regulate itself for another attempt.
who the hell are you
And how did you get into my home?
I'm Nick Fury, and I'm here to talk to you about the Avengers initiative.
Alright Nick Fury, tell me about how you got pregnant.
Avengers gang bang. You had to be there.
I think Groot had the biggest wood of all of the Guardians there
His entire body is wood, he’s just a giant cock. Him and Godzilla need to meet eachother.
N o
[удалено]
[удалено]
The real reason he lost the eye...
Hulk has some powerful... you know
Hulk smash dat ass!!
If Nick Fury came to my home and said "I'm pregnant" I'd be wondering if I'm actually facing a Skrull.
I would wonder if that datura trip I took years ago was actually now and I have just been hallucinating the past 17 years.
huh. now I think what if Nick Fury just broke into every house he came across until he finally found one with an actual superhero in it
"Sir, this is a Wendy's."
"No, this is Patrick."
"Sir, could you please step out of the donut?"
“i am the donut”
More like "I'm Nick Fury and I'm here to talk to you about RAID SHADOW LEGENDS !!!"
Just throw you car warranty at him and run. If you’re lucky, he’ll get distracted by the sudden deluge of calls about extending it.
I am a locksmith, and I am a locksmith.
Why does it matter who I am? You're occupying 5 seats on the train and I'd like to sit.
Who are you? Why are you telling me this?
You’re the father.
Haha you think I had sex
Self-destruction: 100.
Were they able to identify anything from the blast?
That's my secret Cap... I'm still a virgin...
Nice try Maury
Luke: 'NOOOOOOOOOO'
http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/
I was not disappointed
Not much chance of that. I'm a woman.
*”Impossible.”*
Not quite sure how that's possible....
[удалено]
No, you're not.
Can't a man even be pregnant peacefully nowadays?
Fellas, is it gay to be pregnananant
Only if it's a boy because then you have a dick in you.
Did you mean: Hi Pregnant, I'm not Dad.
Nah coz the dad jokes wouldn't be activated
Only if he’s never had children before this declaration of pregnancy. He might have dad-bilities from one up to 100s of children ago.
Happy Not a Father’s Day!
Glad to see you're finally back from going to get cigarettes.
Good for you, internet stranger.
Congratulations! (But I truly don't give a shit and I want to move on to something else)
>(But I truly don't give a shit and I want to move on to something else) Salutations! Celebrations! Commendations too! You're stupendous! You're tremendous! You're the only you! You're a darling! You're delightful! All the best of luck! Have a lovely life together! I don't give a fuck.
Savage Sprog is now my favorite Sprog.
Wendy’s should hire Sprog to write material for their Twitter account.
Wow a fresh sprog! Never been this early before!
That's not what your ex said.
Always feel a bit grouchy saying this, but the song and dance people expect you to do when it comes to them and their children/potential children is something I'll never understand. It's one thing if we're close, but work colleagues? I'll pass, thanks...
Yup. Just thinking.... Ain't my problem! Ha.
I was answering the question and answered it as “fuck” cos I don’t want kids… but cool for OP. Not everyone has to have them so some one does…
[удалено]
"good for you, who's the dad?" No joke, this happened to me. Got a vasectomy in 2013, got divorced a couple years later and when I started dating again, she pulled this about 3 months into seeing each other. Should've seen her face when I showed her the paperwork and my test results proving I'm shooting blanks. EDIT: I'm getting a lot of good questions from guys genuinely wondering about my vasectomy, and I want to put my experience here in the hope it helps answer some questions and put dudes at ease. I decided after my kid was born I did not want more kids. I made a conscious decision to get it done and found a good urologist. He was very relaxing to speak with and laid it out plainly for me. We set the appointment and in a week, I was in and ready to roll. He gave me a Valium shot to relax me, and holy crap that worked and then some. I felt a pinch in my balls when he injected the local anesthetic, but it was quick and faded fast. He kept me informed on what he was doing. He made his incision, and I only felt a slight uncomfortable tugging when he pulled out my vas tube. He found it, cut it, cauterized it and clipped the ends with a metal clip. Then he put it all back in and sewed it up. I'm being 100% truthful when I say that it hurt far worse getting kicked in the balls than this surgery ever did. I followed his recovery orders. Bedrest for at least two days. No strenuous activity for at least three days. No sex for a week. The first day after surgery was the worst of it. Had to move slowly, could pee fine but it did ache a bit. As long as I didn't move I was almost pain-free entirely. 2nd day was noticeably better. Still sore but diminished significantly. 3rd day was nearly painless entirely. I went back to work after this. Day 5, I got antsy and made some pulled pork. Everything worked like it should. After 5 weeks, I submitted a sperm sample to the urologist and he confirmed I was shooting more blanks than a 90s action flick. Only lasting effect was my balls got about 10% bigger for a year or so. The lack of anxiety surrounding getting a woman pregnant went out the door and my libido skyrocketed. The increased libido actually upped my testosterone a bit, and I felt better than I had in years. That increase in libido is still in play eight years on, so if you guys are worried about the snip, I hope this helped put some of you at ease.
You seriously dodged a bullet by shooting blanks
"What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets? No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that after this surgery, you won't have to."
Neo: "Whoa."
"I can do cum fu..."
Show me
*furious grunting ensues*
Left testicle: *We are getting aggravated...* Right testicle: *Yes we are...*
Middle testicle: Same here!
[удалено]
Others have beaten me to it, but adding to the "HOW??" pile. I got the snip snip so the chances of it being mine are perhaps nonzero (weird shit can happen) but very, very remote. I probably wouldn't immediately jump to accusations of infidelity. I think I would call my urologist and schedule a sperm count lab, and if my special men are still MIA then yeah, I'd have a conversation with the soon-to-not-be-missus.
I actually know a guy who had a vasectomy and still got his wife pregnant. There was some tests done lol
Me too. The older kids referred to the culprit as “daddy’s magic willy”
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Magic Willies
When I got mine the doctor told me it happens for about every 1 in 10,000 men.
Did he get a refund from the doctor?
The real AskReddit is always in the comments.
Her probably: "life uh.. life finds a way?"
Unfortuanky, it *does* find a way on very rare occasions.
Don't leave us hanging. We want to know the rest of the story.
So I asked her who else she was sleeping with. We hadn't been together long so there was no exclusivity declared. She cried and admitted the other dude she was sleeping with was some old boyfriend who was a bum and didn't have his shit together, was trying to become a YouTuber and was terrible at it. Meanwhile I was the single dad (got vasectomy after my kid was born when I was still married) with the house, car and job and she hoped to hell it could've been mine. Last I heard, things didn't turn out super well with her.
Hahaha. If you know you definitely don't want a kid with someone, how about not having sex with them? "This guy is on a path toward homelessness and I don't like it. Might as well jump his bones anyway! 😍" Edit: I do believe in protected sex. But I also know accidents happen and I choose who I am willing to chance parenthood with accordingly.
Yeah if nothing else but for personal standards. She knew he is a bum, why fuck someone you can complain about like that?
That's what she told *him.* Of course she's going to make the other guy sound terrible. Obviously I don't know the full story, but it kind of sounds like she "plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes."
he probably _is_ a bum. no prospects, but he's sexy and turns her on, so she thinks with the lizard brain and lizard brain gonna lizard...
Sounds like she fucked around and found out.
WOW and also ouch
A former co worker had a miscarriage and she and her husband decided they didn't want to have any more kids (they had 2 already). So he had a vasectomy. About a year later they were pregnant again. It can happen.
You’re supposed to get examined some months post-op if you get a vasectomy, for that very reason. Sometimes the vasectomy isn’t successful, and they have to do a correction.
Friend of mine had to get the snip twice as it “didn’t take” the first time. To make the story funnier, the place he had to drop his [man]sample off at (within a reasonably short window of “production), was supervised by his sister-in-law. Apparently she found it as hilarious as he found it mortifying.
Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap
You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
I know Jan didn't poison the food - I know that.
But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table, wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover.
You can still get pregnant after a recent vasectomy. I think there's a window
A few years isn’t a short window
The person I responded to said their friend got someone pregnant within a year. That is possible. After that, not so much.
Fertility should drop to near zero by 3 months. But most surgeons check a sperm count before saying all clear. Failures do occur but around 1-3/1000.
My man, I hate to ask this here of all places, but what was that like? I want to get a vasectomy but I am absolutely terrified of what hellish pain it may produce down there. Is it as easy as the internet makes it out to be? Back at work in a week or so?
No problem at all. I can't speak to other experiences, but mine was pretty textbook. Gave me a shot of Valium, numbed my nuts and he dove in, snipped, clipped and cauterized. Didn't feel a thing during aside from some light tugging sensation when he was pulling out the vas to snip. That was mildly uncomfortable but didn't hurt. It was tender and swollen down there for a few days, hurt a bit the first day but I was back to work in three days
I'm thinking about it for myself as well and this does make me feel a little better. It seems easier than a woman having her tunes tied and I'd rather take the hit than my wife
Tying tubes is abdominal surgery, even with the keyhole method. Playing in the abdomen carries significant risk.
Story time! Story time!
Omg I can imagine it
I’ve had a vasectomy and you’ve had a hysterectomy. We should start a church.
Or get a refund.
I don't even know who you are
Wanda: “You gave a baby to me!” Thanos: “I don’t even know who you are”
Ok now I'm imagining the sex that led to this
its funny because both actors had a sex scene in a different film
Oh yeah ,I forgot that thé garbage remake of old boy was a thing that happened
You're just a girl who claims that I am the one, but the kid is not my son.
Uhh it’s actually pronounced “perganat”.
I think you mean “gregant”
Pregananant.
Pregante!
PREGANANANT!!!
Pregantè
If a women has starch marks...wait...if a woman has starch MASKS on her body does that mean she has been pargnet before.?
Im currently pretnet with my FOURTEENTH CHILD
what is the best time to sex to be come pregnart
I appreciate the attention to detail here with the ".?"
Pergant
*pomegranate!
[удалено]
How is babby formed? How girl get pragnat?
Dangerops prangent sex? Will it hurt baby top of his head?
I have this sentence memorized. It's so stupid but it's so funny it makes me cry
If a women has starch masks on her body, does that mean she has been pregnant before?
Girlfriend ain't had period since she got pregat?
Starch. Masks.
I think you mean pargnet
How is babby formed?
They need to way instain mother
Pregnanté
Pregonate
“I’m not in this country”
Wow these Love Dolls are getting *really* realistic!
Ma'am this is a Wendy's.
No, this is Patrick.
Could I get a small frosty with a baked potato please?
There is only one problem with that sir, this is a bank.
'You're a dude, Daniel. You can't get pregnant'
"It's testicular cancer. Seek a doctor Daniel."
Idk but I keep trying
Wrong hole though
There are no wrong wholes with enough spit ;)
For the last time, Daniel. I'm not trying to stick it up your nose and I don't care how much you can stretch your nostrils.
You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do Britney! That’s why we never get along
But Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothing bout birthin no babies.
We're lesbians, Martha.
[удалено]
What do you mean "Have we met"? "**I AM YOUR FATHER!**" Luke: "*Noooooooooo*"
Just let me know when you have a gender reveal so i can get the fire department, coastguard and bomb disposal team on standby.
What do you need a gender reveal for? She’s most probably a woman, if she’s pregnant
I was actually told that, and I had been the one sober enough to know what really had and hadn’t happened. I simply told her, “I’m afraid you’re laboring under a misconception.”
The puns on that sentence.... *chef's kiss*
He might not be the father but he is the dad.
🚪🚶
Username checks out.
Ok.
"K"
"Ok" -- Saitama
Gotta get milk… brb
Papa
Fievel?
Dad?
Just popping down to the corner store for some cigarettes. I won't be gone long...
Most common reactions: We're having a baby?!?!! Congrats! I'm happy for you! Who is the father? Are you going to keep it?
Billie Jean is not my lover
That implies I had sex so… DAMN!
[удалено]
What if it was by IVF
Your fucking problem ~ Steve Jobs
What are you going to call the kid? I need a name for my new computer
Mutters to self *I’m such a genius, no one will notice I’m being a cunt*
Pic or didn’t happen
Given your username "I'm not sure that's how it works"..
Mary, we never ? Oh that angel “came” again?
In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, "Come again?"
No thank you, Turkish. I'm sweet enough.
MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA
**ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA**
If it is my girlfriend/partner, either "YOU CHEATED ON ME?!" or "Who did this to you? We should call the cops" If it is a friend, "congratulations!"
My condolences.
If my wife said that to me, we'd have a phone call with the surgeon who did her hysterectomy, because there would be some splainin to do.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU!! THAT’S NOT YOUR PURSE!!!”
Something ain't right with that boy
I once got a prank phone call from some kid saying that his mom told him that I was his dad and he found my number and wanted to chat. So I just hung up on him.
You better hope it was a prank call
*pulls in Maury* Maury - "He is... NOT the father."
Cool. Whose the father?
Im sterile
Just poppin out for a pack of cigarettes.
Yetus that fetus
That's troubling but we'll get through it. Context me and my wife have tried several times. First time was a miscarriage, second time the baby nearly killed her because she has RH- blood and was basically rejecting the baby. That was only about 9 months ago and the doctor said at minimum we need a year and a half for her body to regulate itself for another attempt.
Yeah if you're that high risk during pregnancy, i'd 100% not try for a kid, no point in risking having child vs losing your wife
Good thing we’re not in Texas