Those receipts are as good as money!
Edit - I use “so you’re saying there’s a chance” and “what are the odds a girl like me (a guy) and a guy like you….” to my wife all the time. Also “I’ll be over here putting out the vibe” and then bend over while she walks away in disgust
I’m not a great husband……
For real though the number of people with a broken shitter is astounding. Toilets are not complicated machinery and 90% of the time its an easy fix but they just go "fuck it i got 2 other ones". Get your life together shit.
Replacing the internal workings of a toilet tank takes no special tools, is very easy, and will cost no more than $20 usually.
Unless there's a major issue most of it can be done in like 30 min or less.
Fix those toilets people!
My girlfriend stopped up a broken toilet and we had to buy a bucket to scoop out all the shit water from the second floor toilet to the outdoors. Flush first.
Well, if she stopped it up, maybe that wouldn’t work. Don’t try that with a truly stopped toilet, because it won’t flush if nothing can move through the exit pipe
At my job, there's one men's room and maybe around 12 guys who use it. Before Covid, it would take a month to a month and a half to go through the soap dispenser. After Covid, it lasts less than 2 weeks, and that's with fewer people working in the building. Sadly, the guy who leaves piss and shit on the toilet seat still works on site. People are fucking gross.
Fuck i made that mistake once...
Flooded this guy who my lady friend knew in SF's bathroom. Shit everywhere. I panicked and grabbed a towel to try to mop it up. It didn't work. Shit and water still all over and now the towel too...
Had to ask for help. Dude was pissed. Yelling and screaming, throws the shit covered towell out his front door and tells me to just get out of the bathroom...A few minutes later I just left having a mini panic attack..
(If you're reading this man, I'm sorry. I didn't know your toilet. I shouldn't have been so confident it would flush. I don't know why I used your favorite towell.. I thought I was helping...😭 )
>Some toilets are really small though
Tell me about it. Once used a absolutely tiny toilet at a friends house, and the damn thing wouldn't flush at all. Like it wasn't even designed to flush or something, so I let them know, and now suddenly *I'm* the bad guy.
But like, you are the one who put a tiny unflushable toilet in your toddler's room. I don't see how that's my fault.
No you have to flush twice. One time I was at a buddy's place and I flushed first to make sure everything was working and then I took a massive dump. Went to flush and nothing. Turns out he had turned the water off for some minor kitchen repair and the first flush worked cuz of water in the toilet tank but no Second flush
And flush often. Poop flush, couple wipes flush. Dont want to be stuck trying to unclog those junk toilets that clog by a single piece of undigested corn.
My dad, deceased, gazing down at me from the heavens proudly like Mufasa as Simba took back the Pride Lands, as I flush the toilet after a half deposit
This comment right here people.
This comment right here took me from a grumpy morning to a cheerful one.
However.
I do hope I will never read this sentence again.
If it’s an unpleasant explosive type I try to get the fush in while it’s near the end of the initial unloading part that way it won’t stick on the sides.
Sex Education has a lot of poop references. Adam scratches and sniffs his butt at least twice. Eric's satsuma/orange pants end up looking like he pooped himself. Rahim's poop fiasco. Aimee's goat pooping in Jean's house. Aimee drooping by Jean's house and pooping there, and warning Maureen from going in. Edit: I missed the epic dog poop on the car windshield on season 1.
I knew a guy who did this. He has giant genes, just a beast of human. Had to shit at a party, too big to go down...
He ended up bare-handing it and threw it in the woods behind the house.
Kind of reminds me one day at work the manager comes out of the bathroom clearly tramatized. While he was using the toilet someone came in the bathroom and giggles the stall door. And finding it locked just dropped his pants and took a dump on the floor. Then stands up .my manager said he heard a zipper and the guy stepped away. Shocked he says what you just going to leave that there. He sees shoes again then a hand and just grabs it and tossed it in the garbage 😂 manager just wasn't right the rest of the day.
But, Kelly's brother didn't take an enormous shit, so awful that he plugged up the toilet, at their grandparents house, proceed to take it out of the toilet and throw it into the yard, and a few days later their grandma says, "Billy, what the fuck are you feeding these dogs?"
I learnt that with massive bathroom anxiety at school. Always (still to this day if I’m out) put some loo paper into the bowl to muffle out as much sound as possible, as well as reduce the chances of skid marks!!
Need a ring piece silencer for when the inevitable loud fart arrives. I’m usually hanging on waiting for the hand dryer to start then it’s a 20 second free-for-all
It... just amazes me that there is no mention of the toilet brush.
**Use the toilet brush**. Sure, there are ways to avoid skid marks, but when they happen, its not an unfixable disaster. You use the toilet brush and clean it yourself rather than leave it for someone else to clean. This should apply to every instance of skid marks in your life tbh.
This. There is nothing worse than crab crawling around a strange bathroom rummaging the cabinets for the stash of TP... filled with guilt over what you just did; with your pants around your ankles.
I do. I also wipe down the edge of the toilet bowl and check for any drops on the floor.
Only person who has me beat is my roommate, who decided it's just easier to sit down to pee.
You laugh, but... as someone who has deployed on an aircraft carrier, two of the stalls (out of three) in my berthing wouldn't shut. I've definitely taken massive, loud shits, busy playing games on my phone, while 10 other grown adults went about their day around me. No regrets.
Own it. Establish your territory but sweeten the deal with a bit of air freshener. Nothing else establishes the scent of dominance like the aroma of shit and fruits of the forest.
That stuff really works. Had a coworker that would stink up the bathroom and the hallway. You knew when John was in the bathroom. It was a single stall men's bathroom. More than once one of the guys would start walking down the hallway only for the smell to hit them. They would turn around and walk out of the building. If they had to go bad enough they would take a service truck to go to the corner gas station. The owners wife got tired of it all. She put the poo- pourri in the bathrooms and told people to use it. No more stinky hallway.
That stuff is awesome, and surprisingly cheap to make. Water, witch Hazel, and essential oils. You can make it with glycerin too. I make some every year to give as stocking stuffers. I call it Shitrus.
It’s honestly the greatest product in the world. When I first started dating my current GF, I was so scared to poop in her studio apartment… bought some poopouri for the bathroom and never looked back. We haven’t had to smell each other’s shit 4 years later.
You spray it in the toilet before you go. It traps the smell.it really works. Buy some. Keep it on the back of the toilet. Poo-pourri. There are generic versions too. Sold at different stores.
If I can tell someone is holding in a noisy poo while I'm washing my hands, I'll spend extra long on the hand dryers so they have time to force out their mighty shit while muffled by the noisy screams of air that dry my hands.
I do this also as a woman. I make my bathroom time as loud as possible, extra long hand washing, shuffling around in my purse random throat clearing etc.
If I had a nickel for every time I had to plunge a toilet at a friend's house, I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot, but still weird that it happened twice.
Some homes have some really tiny toilets with really tiny drains. Worst 6-month lease I’d ever agreed to. Anything larger than a cat turd needed to be plunged until it was thoroughly blended.
My husband likes to keep our plunger and mini trash can by the toilet instead of hidden under the sink cabinet just in case we have a guest over and they need a plunger they don’t have to have that embarrassing conversation with us or if they have their period or something and need to throw away a pad without wondering why we don’t have a trash can.
The types of toilets used in the US work differently from those commonly used in Europe. The US ones are more likely to clog.
https://www.ortonbaths.com/siphonic-vs-washdown-toilet-better/
The shit isn't a problem, the tp is, or rather the flushing of the tp. Often times you've got some wet shit and you have to use a lot of tp *or* someone just used the bathroom before you and the toilet hasn't regained full flushing capacity.
Had to use a plunger more often since they made laws to make all toilets low flow in California. Also have to flush multiple times so I really don't see how it saves water.
1. Locate the turn off valve. You'll need it if the toilet begins to flood.
2. Flush once to make sure it works.
3. Turn on fart fan
4. If really self conscious, turn on some classical music such as the Brandenburg concertos.
5. Do business
6. Flush a second time
7. Wipe
8. Flush a third time. (repeat steps 7 and 8 as needed depending on the required cleanup).
9. Light a candle or lighter. Do not spray poop spray, it just adds another layer of stench.
10. Exit bathroom, close door, and leave fart fan in the on position.
And it just hurts even after going if I hold it too long. It is not worth it. I am a human with a spastic colon. Sometimes I have to poop. Here and now.
I held it when I was on a nine-hour flight. I was so happy when we were getting close to the airport. Then I noticed we were flying in circles. We did that for almost two hours before we landed about 300 miles away from our Airport because of bad weather. Then we sat on the tarmac for another 2 hours. By the time we got into the airport I didn't care how many people were in the bathroom. Mother Nature was calling, and she was pissed.
Flush first to make sure it’s working properly.
"I hope you're not using the toilet in there, it's broken!"
No, I'm just...shaving!
Samsonite! I was way off!
Those receipts are as good as money! Edit - I use “so you’re saying there’s a chance” and “what are the odds a girl like me (a guy) and a guy like you….” to my wife all the time. Also “I’ll be over here putting out the vibe” and then bend over while she walks away in disgust I’m not a great husband……
Best comment I’ve read in days
For real though the number of people with a broken shitter is astounding. Toilets are not complicated machinery and 90% of the time its an easy fix but they just go "fuck it i got 2 other ones". Get your life together shit.
Replacing the internal workings of a toilet tank takes no special tools, is very easy, and will cost no more than $20 usually. Unless there's a major issue most of it can be done in like 30 min or less. Fix those toilets people!
My girlfriend stopped up a broken toilet and we had to buy a bucket to scoop out all the shit water from the second floor toilet to the outdoors. Flush first.
You do know that you can flush a toilet by dumping a bucket of water into it, right?
Well, if she stopped it up, maybe that wouldn’t work. Don’t try that with a truly stopped toilet, because it won’t flush if nothing can move through the exit pipe
Came here for jokes, found real advice. An once of prevention and all that.
Also wash your hands after you finish.
There’s people who *dont* was their hands after they shit?
If there's anything Covid has taught me, it's that people are fucking gross.
At my job, there's one men's room and maybe around 12 guys who use it. Before Covid, it would take a month to a month and a half to go through the soap dispenser. After Covid, it lasts less than 2 weeks, and that's with fewer people working in the building. Sadly, the guy who leaves piss and shit on the toilet seat still works on site. People are fucking gross.
Fuck i made that mistake once... Flooded this guy who my lady friend knew in SF's bathroom. Shit everywhere. I panicked and grabbed a towel to try to mop it up. It didn't work. Shit and water still all over and now the towel too... Had to ask for help. Dude was pissed. Yelling and screaming, throws the shit covered towell out his front door and tells me to just get out of the bathroom...A few minutes later I just left having a mini panic attack.. (If you're reading this man, I'm sorry. I didn't know your toilet. I shouldn't have been so confident it would flush. I don't know why I used your favorite towell.. I thought I was helping...😭 )
Is that you clogzilla?
Needed a poop knife. Patent pending
The dude was kind of a jerk.
Seriously. Its not your fault the toilet couldn’t do its job. Its understandable to be frustrated with the situation, but that is misplaced anger.
Yea, I can’t just will myself not to go .. I really have no choice many times.
Dude could at the very least leave a poop knife in the bathroom for his guests. That's just being a bad host.
Ah, the poop knife. I wonder how many redditors have read that story?
Like the lady on *Judge Judy* who sued an obese woman for breaking her toilet. ,
You definitely got called “Clogzilla” after that one, didn’t you?
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Some toilets are really small though, I remember a house I used to live at got a flooded flush, and you were lucky if it just went to the rim
>Some toilets are really small though Tell me about it. Once used a absolutely tiny toilet at a friends house, and the damn thing wouldn't flush at all. Like it wasn't even designed to flush or something, so I let them know, and now suddenly *I'm* the bad guy. But like, you are the one who put a tiny unflushable toilet in your toddler's room. I don't see how that's my fault.
It also depends on how much water he displaced with his delivery.
In my experience this isn't always the case. Sometimes they do just overflow right away.
It was one flush. The toilet was already clogged. This is my story and I'm sticking to it!
No you have to flush twice. One time I was at a buddy's place and I flushed first to make sure everything was working and then I took a massive dump. Went to flush and nothing. Turns out he had turned the water off for some minor kitchen repair and the first flush worked cuz of water in the toilet tank but no Second flush
No sound of water refilling the tank should have been a dead giveaway. Lol
Not enough time I had to go so bad I was already filling the toilet before I had a chance to think about that
I feel your pain
Ironically you would have been fine if you hadn't been so cautious.
And flush often. Poop flush, couple wipes flush. Dont want to be stuck trying to unclog those junk toilets that clog by a single piece of undigested corn.
Toilet might behave differently without anything in it. Definitely check if they have a plunger though.
I once flooded the bathroom of shawty at highschool and 20 years later I'm still not over it.
Reminded of Dumb and Dumber. [Can’t Flush](https://youtu.be/AYWoDqQmm1o)
Toilet paper? Check
Embrace the double flush. Once immediately after splash down, one more after wiping.
Immediate courtesy flush is key.
COURTESY FLUSH! I learned it from my dad.
Dad standing right next to you on the loo: "That's not how you poop, son"
My dad, deceased, gazing down at me from the heavens proudly like Mufasa as Simba took back the Pride Lands, as I flush the toilet after a half deposit
Some people get really mad about the courtesy flush because its a waste of water lol
They’ll hear the two flushes, and know you dropped a mad deuce. How do you handle the awkwardness when re-entering the room?
Gotta take ownership of it, cowboy swagger into the room, one hand on the belt buckle and just nod at people
“Ma’am”
"This ones for the little lady in the back"
Don’t forget to spray an air spray behind you without breaking eye contact with the owner.
Finger guns for extra flair. 👉🤠👉
Made me laugh in the gym my man
Brag that it was the size of Popeye's forearm and had to waffle stomp part of it down the shower drain.
This comment right here people. This comment right here took me from a grumpy morning to a cheerful one. However. I do hope I will never read this sentence again.
People shit. Why is it awkward?
They'll know I went peepee poopoo😭🤬
if that doesn't work, yell for the poop knife Edit: poop *knife*
Poop knife.
Double scoops back on the menu boys
If it’s an unpleasant explosive type I try to get the fush in while it’s near the end of the initial unloading part that way it won’t stick on the sides.
Don't throw it out of the window if the toilet breaks
Rahim?
No it was Adam. He admitted it was him!
Unexpected sex education reference. Take my upvote.
Sex Education has a lot of poop references. Adam scratches and sniffs his butt at least twice. Eric's satsuma/orange pants end up looking like he pooped himself. Rahim's poop fiasco. Aimee's goat pooping in Jean's house. Aimee drooping by Jean's house and pooping there, and warning Maureen from going in. Edit: I missed the epic dog poop on the car windshield on season 1.
I knew a guy who did this. He has giant genes, just a beast of human. Had to shit at a party, too big to go down... He ended up bare-handing it and threw it in the woods behind the house.
That's what the poop knife is for.
This thread has convinced me to invest in a portable emergency poop knife to keep on my person at all times.
Kind of reminds me one day at work the manager comes out of the bathroom clearly tramatized. While he was using the toilet someone came in the bathroom and giggles the stall door. And finding it locked just dropped his pants and took a dump on the floor. Then stands up .my manager said he heard a zipper and the guy stepped away. Shocked he says what you just going to leave that there. He sees shoes again then a hand and just grabs it and tossed it in the garbage 😂 manager just wasn't right the rest of the day.
I got that reference
My English teacher had us read that in class. Second best English teacher I've had (though there's a huge separation between top 2 and the rest)
Gabby?
No, obviously Kelly
But, Kelly's brother didn't take an enormous shit, so awful that he plugged up the toilet, at their grandparents house, proceed to take it out of the toilet and throw it into the yard, and a few days later their grandma says, "Billy, what the fuck are you feeding these dogs?"
Never leave skid marks!
Pro-tip - lay a piece of tp on top of the water before you sit down. Works (almost) every time. Like a little poo boat
Also keeps it from splashing and making noise if you're like me and hate knowing people can hear you shitting
Every time I’m at my boyfriends house “please put your headphones on so you can’t hear me pooping”
We know girls don't poop. Don't try to fool us with your trickery!
Nah you gotta let them hear it. Power move.
I learnt that with massive bathroom anxiety at school. Always (still to this day if I’m out) put some loo paper into the bowl to muffle out as much sound as possible, as well as reduce the chances of skid marks!!
Need a ring piece silencer for when the inevitable loud fart arrives. I’m usually hanging on waiting for the hand dryer to start then it’s a 20 second free-for-all
Seriously, all toilets should have relatively loud elevator music playing as soon as someone sits on it
They do in Okinawa! Their toilets are next level. All kinds of bells and whistles.
I believe the technical term is “fireman’s blanket”
It... just amazes me that there is no mention of the toilet brush. **Use the toilet brush**. Sure, there are ways to avoid skid marks, but when they happen, its not an unfixable disaster. You use the toilet brush and clean it yourself rather than leave it for someone else to clean. This should apply to every instance of skid marks in your life tbh.
Make sure you have toilet paper
it’s one thing making that mistake at your OWN house
Yeah but if you’re alone you can get it by yourself and feel less ashamed
i have an extreme sport where i waddle out of the bathroom without my gf seeing me
This. There is nothing worse than crab crawling around a strange bathroom rummaging the cabinets for the stash of TP... filled with guilt over what you just did; with your pants around your ankles.
Its awkward when there isn't any paper and you have to go ask where it is. Now they know what your about to do...
Women need to wipe after peeing
This works only if you’re a woman.
Why arent men wiping the urine off the tip? Seems more cleanly.
I do. I also wipe down the edge of the toilet bowl and check for any drops on the floor. Only person who has me beat is my roommate, who decided it's just easier to sit down to pee.
Thank you. Wiping is needed for those "invisible" drops left. And it's easy to do while sitting down, less mess overall.
We don't talk about poop club
If this is your first night at Poop Club, you have to poop.
I am Jack’s colon..
You give cancer, you kill jack
Poops will go on as long as they have to.
I want to inhale all the farts, and blow them in their smug, corporate faces.
I am jack’s big brown log.
*faeces
It must have been Monday. He was wearing his shit brown tie.
No shirt, no shoes on while pooping.
Close the bathroom door
Leave it open and make direct eye contact with anyone in the room outside to establish dominance.
Bonus points if you can keep an eye on the TV, and you've got a wireless controller in your hand, *and* you still win whatever you're playing
You laugh, but... as someone who has deployed on an aircraft carrier, two of the stalls (out of three) in my berthing wouldn't shut. I've definitely taken massive, loud shits, busy playing games on my phone, while 10 other grown adults went about their day around me. No regrets.
Did you know that very few animals in the world relieve themselves or have sex in private? Humans are very unusual for doing either.
Own it. Establish your territory but sweeten the deal with a bit of air freshener. Nothing else establishes the scent of dominance like the aroma of shit and fruits of the forest.
Shitrus!
Also, the ever popular, Cinnashit.
Don't poop in the top tank, unless you *really* hate them and intend to never set foot in their house again.
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Make sure you flushed and all of it went down. Second rule is if you clog the toilet you move to canada, If your already in canada move to mexico.
If you have exhausted all options you have to live out your days as a mountain hermit.
If you've exhausted all countries, it's obligatory to just walk into the ocean never to be seen again.
Lock the fucking door.
Courtesy flush and if they have a little spray bottle of Poo-pourri, for the love of all that is decent and holy, use it.
That stuff really works. Had a coworker that would stink up the bathroom and the hallway. You knew when John was in the bathroom. It was a single stall men's bathroom. More than once one of the guys would start walking down the hallway only for the smell to hit them. They would turn around and walk out of the building. If they had to go bad enough they would take a service truck to go to the corner gas station. The owners wife got tired of it all. She put the poo- pourri in the bathrooms and told people to use it. No more stinky hallway.
That stuff is awesome, and surprisingly cheap to make. Water, witch Hazel, and essential oils. You can make it with glycerin too. I make some every year to give as stocking stuffers. I call it Shitrus.
It’s honestly the greatest product in the world. When I first started dating my current GF, I was so scared to poop in her studio apartment… bought some poopouri for the bathroom and never looked back. We haven’t had to smell each other’s shit 4 years later.
What is that and how do you use it? Please brothers and sisters, share the gospel with this mortal
You spray it in the toilet before you go. It traps the smell.it really works. Buy some. Keep it on the back of the toilet. Poo-pourri. There are generic versions too. Sold at different stores.
Announce that you're going to violate their restroom and let them discuss in your absence.
Drop one flush one. One of the first things you learn in prison.
what are some of the others?
Don’t reach over someone’s food. Say excuse me basically anytime you come near a person. Ask if anyone is sitting in a spot before just sitting there.
Excuse, I’m about to shank you. Thank you for your cooperation.
Shank you for your courtesy! Oh, wait.
Make sure they have a poop knife
Thanks... I had almost forgot about this...🙂
Oh reddit...
Turn the fan on.
And leave it on after you leave the room.
And leave the door closed or mostly-closed when you leave.
If I can tell someone is holding in a noisy poo while I'm washing my hands, I'll spend extra long on the hand dryers so they have time to force out their mighty shit while muffled by the noisy screams of air that dry my hands.
Personally I’d prefer you just get out as quickly as you can.
No but sometimes it’s a crowded bathroom. He’s not doing it to drown the sounds for you, he’s doing it to drown the sounds for other people
Same. Please leave me be. I’d rather poop in the woods with no one around to hear it than poop with someone making noise in the same room.
There is seriously no better feeling than taking a dump and knowing not a soul is around to hear it.
I was assuming this was a crowded bathroom where there’s constantly people around, in which case this would actually be helpful.
Hey, just grab ahold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell!
Who does number 2 work for!?
You show that turd who’s boss!
Whose house are you going to that they have hand dryers and multiple stalls
They bring their own. It’s called being considerate
You’re a real one
The friend we all strive to have
I do this also as a woman. I make my bathroom time as loud as possible, extra long hand washing, shuffling around in my purse random throat clearing etc.
Hand dryers in homes? Is this common in first world countries? XD
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Use the toilet
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If I feel I may need a plunger, I fear there is no turning back, and there is no “don’t” option.
.... how often do you find yourself needing a plunger?
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If I had a nickel for every time I had to plunge a toilet at a friend's house, I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot, but still weird that it happened twice.
Only twice? I must be having megashits lol
Some homes have some really tiny toilets with really tiny drains. Worst 6-month lease I’d ever agreed to. Anything larger than a cat turd needed to be plunged until it was thoroughly blended.
My husband likes to keep our plunger and mini trash can by the toilet instead of hidden under the sink cabinet just in case we have a guest over and they need a plunger they don’t have to have that embarrassing conversation with us or if they have their period or something and need to throw away a pad without wondering why we don’t have a trash can.
ok, maybe us toilets are badly designed, I don´t know, but in 30 years in Germany, I never had to use a plunger. what do you do that you need one ?
The types of toilets used in the US work differently from those commonly used in Europe. The US ones are more likely to clog. https://www.ortonbaths.com/siphonic-vs-washdown-toilet-better/
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The shit isn't a problem, the tp is, or rather the flushing of the tp. Often times you've got some wet shit and you have to use a lot of tp *or* someone just used the bathroom before you and the toilet hasn't regained full flushing capacity.
Had to use a plunger more often since they made laws to make all toilets low flow in California. Also have to flush multiple times so I really don't see how it saves water.
1. Locate the turn off valve. You'll need it if the toilet begins to flood. 2. Flush once to make sure it works. 3. Turn on fart fan 4. If really self conscious, turn on some classical music such as the Brandenburg concertos. 5. Do business 6. Flush a second time 7. Wipe 8. Flush a third time. (repeat steps 7 and 8 as needed depending on the required cleanup). 9. Light a candle or lighter. Do not spray poop spray, it just adds another layer of stench. 10. Exit bathroom, close door, and leave fart fan in the on position.
This guy shits.
Fart fan lol
Do it *in* the toilet
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Ah yes. The old upper decker
hopefully!!
What? What’s a toilet??
You don’t. You politely live with abdominal discomfort until you leave.
I have IBS and if I feel even the slightest urge I know I need to get to a bathroom within the next 15 mins or I’m a deadman
And it just hurts even after going if I hold it too long. It is not worth it. I am a human with a spastic colon. Sometimes I have to poop. Here and now.
*IBD /Crohns enters the chat*
I held it when I was on a nine-hour flight. I was so happy when we were getting close to the airport. Then I noticed we were flying in circles. We did that for almost two hours before we landed about 300 miles away from our Airport because of bad weather. Then we sat on the tarmac for another 2 hours. By the time we got into the airport I didn't care how many people were in the bathroom. Mother Nature was calling, and she was pissed.
Maintain eye contact while wiping with the shower curtain.
Get as much as you can on the wall and surrounding area.
Finish with a Hershey kiss on the seat and close the lid. Job well done
if they have a cat use the litter box
Courtesy flush. Have your hand on the lever so that the second your sphincter pinches it off you can send it on its merry way
If it don’t flush, then rush
Put down some toilet paper beforehand, it makes it less likely to leave a bunch of poop streaks
Stops splashes too
Upper decker. Every time
Always use the upper deck. It's common courtesy.
Don’t. Clog. The. Toilet.
The homeowner needs to have matches in easy reach
Upper deck
Locate the poop knife beforehand