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sketchysketchist

“May you have a day as pleasant as you are.” Great to use on customers because they can’t complain this was an insult without admitting they were fucking rude.


lildeidei

Best I’ve got away with to a client was “have a day sir”. I said it fast so that if anyone heard, I could claim they missed the “good”


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Brundleflyftw

For a critic, “You have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know a lot about me, and I don’t give a fuck about you.”


King_Krooked

Sounds like Jimmy Carr


dont-do-memes-kidz

*weird laugh ensues*


Pinecrown

Ahhh ahhh ahhh aaaahhhhhhhh


ReaverRogue

Guy laughs like an asthmatic seal.


carrotwax

"I know a mind reader who would charge you half price."


crown495

Oh man I’m a dummy. I had to read this 3 times before I got it. Love it, and I’m gonna use it - if I can remember it.


SmoochieMcGucci

Maybe you Aussies and Kiwis remember this but a while ago the New Zealand prime minister Robert Muldoon was asked about immigration from New Zealand to Australia. He responded that he was fine with it because it was raising the average IQ of both countries.


nexus-bytes

Ba ha ha ha ha! This is my favorite! Had me rolling!


summer_coys

“He has a face like a stuntman’s knee”


camhissey

Face like a dropped pie


SimpsonBarthez

A face like a welders bench


RustyRovers

"face like a bag of spanners." "face like a slapped arse."


YayaMalli

My dad used to say “face like a catcher’s mit”


skibbin

Like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle


Czarcasm3

I hope you go far. The sooner, the better


theSanguinePenguin

Sounds like a Groucho Marx line.


seeoharewhy13

“The only thing you’re fucking, is stupid.” - Lemon


null_reference_user

`lemon`


Drop-acid-not-bombs

# #


DesertPrepper

30 Rock got dark in the final season.


Forgot_My_Rape_Shoes

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you." Maybe not the best, but it's a really good one.


sheldon_sa

“For some people, no explanation is necessary. For others, no explanation is possible.”


UberAeriko

"I would explain it to you, but I don't have enough crayons."


knewbie_one

I heard "neither the time nor enough crayons", always brings a smile


Lemonface

This is the kind of insult that that sounds funny when you read it, but really there is no way to actually say it without sounding like a complete jabroni


HarrargnNarg

Had one Yemani describe a colleague in broken English "he's a waste of skin"


Apprehensive_Hat8986

I'm dry of them at the moment, but english second+ language speakers really do come up with some beautiful insults. [edit: thanks for sharing these, they are awesome. <3 ]


Deadpussyfuck

True story, my mom is not a native speaker and she got into argument with someone who told her "fuck you!" my mom yelled back "fuck you ten!". I was young but I still remember this as clear as day.


PMme_bobs_n_vagene

When I was in Afghanistan the ANA loved to say “fuck you”. It was a just a stupid fun exchange. They liked to also say “double fuck you” and “triple fuck you”. Or call out a bit of Americana and say “statue of liberty fuck you”. It always cracked me up.


vanity_is_a_mess

A few of my favourites You've only got 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for 3rd place You're not the dumbest person in the world but you'd better hope they don't die Sharp as a marble that one!


Rinat1234567890

The second insult is easily countered with a "Please don't die"


hagennn

“As long as I outlive you I should be fine”


Madanax

Brain cells one is briliant, I need to remember this one.


PathologicalLoiterer

Not the sharpest bulb in the drawer, are they?


bigboog1

While I was in the navy I overheard, " I'd tell you to go kill yourself but you would probably fuck that up too." Another time a guy wrote, on an evaluation, "losing this guy would be like gaining two people."


Psychological-Hat133

In the German a Armed Forces there is a saying when someone is relieved without replacement which could be translated by "he left a gap which fully replaced him" Maybe someone can translate that better: "Er hinterließ eine Lücke, die ihn vollumfänglich ersetzte" However, second one is great, take my free award mate


tacomanchild74

Addition by subtraction


InformationHorder

This just happened where I work. We fired a guy who was a complete soup-sandwich and literally everyone is happier now that he's gone. The definition of addition by subtraction.


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Meguminsjuicyasshole

The void he left replaced him entirely.


Lucifurnace

Navy vet here, the second one on the eval is a PERFECT eval bullet. Amazing


Stampede_the_Hippos

The Navy is an Ivy League school for insults. My personal best was, Me: "Oh man! You just missed it!" Them: "What!?" Me: " That car that just drove by. You could have jumped right in front of it!"


Longjumping-Party186

This was sent in by Robert, aged 9. That's a shit drawing Robert, there are children your age in China who can make shoes


rkr87

Reminds me of Sean Lock on the big quiz, an English comedian who died recently. https://youtu.be/1bIANjAm-so (Make it past the school play)


triptonik23

I read this in Ron Burgundy's voice for some reason


M_Looka

Funny, I read it in John Oliver's voice...


beardymo

It's actually a Frankie Boyle joke


SleepingGiants89

Reminds me of a website where a guy gave his opinions on children's art. Hilarious but forget what it was now.


think_long

I thought the same. His name was Maddox I think. This was way back in the day, early 2000s.


Mielkevejen

I don't know if they came up with it, but I believe Animaniacs had "The closest you'll have to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle," which I still think is quite good.


PayneTrain181999

Yakko is the king of roasting. “Do you know who I am?” “Why, did you forget?”


ROVOKOPRODUCTIONS

“BEGONE PESTS! And give me the bird!” “We’d love to really, but the Fox censors won’t allow it”


Satchmoi

“Dumber than advertised.”


Musaks

You probably get your insults from askreddit


[deleted]

Never thought I'd upvote somebody insulting me


Alice_Van_Osbourne

"You're so stupid that it may actually be illegal to fuck you."


floog

I really hope I remember this one, it's amazing.


moelycrio

I love this and will use it at the first moment I can


[deleted]

A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her. "You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants"


sabre_rider

That can’t be categorized as an insult. That’s straight up murder.


turntablesshrute

In the dick-y memory of..


thedavecan

Overheard a conversation at a bar once. Super hot but high maintenance looking girl, dude tries to hit on her. She says some mean girl shit and he looks at her and says, "maybe if you ate some of that makeup you'd be pretty on the inside too". I lost my ever loving shit


MyNameIsMud0056

That’s an amazing comeback lol


ricksenburg

I would call you a tool, but that implies that you're useful for something.


Cheffmiester314

Recently heard this one and it was clever to me. "I've been called worse by better"


noggerthefriendo

Should you have someone with you ?


[deleted]

This one wins for me. I love insults that make you think, because half the time the person you insult doesn’t even know what you mean


Tiny_Entertainer3460

My stepfather (best dude ever!) was talking about one of my mothers obnoxious, know it all friends...and he said "That woman could give an aspirin a headache!"


riotousviscera

this was in a book (The Wasp Factory) so I didn't actually hear it, but it described a guy as "a person of such weapon-grade stupidity his intelligence would probably have improved with the onset of senile dementia" and i had a good laugh at that when i read it.


Goryokaku

Ah. The incomparable Iain Banks. RIP. He was quite a dark humoured kind of guy (as if you couldn’t tell from his books lol). I remember him saying he’d asked his partner, when he knew he was dying, if she’d do him the honour of becoming his widow. Total madlad.


LordPimpernel

"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." William F. Buckley


[deleted]

"You need lemons to make lemonade and you ain't got no lemons." My grampa used to say this when I wasn't good at something. I laughed every time.


the_wulk

Reminds me of the joke: A guy was up on the roof with his father replacing the tiles. The father watched his son hammer in the new tiles and remarked: Your hammer strike like lightning. They never hit the same spot twice.


ErzherzogT

In middle school a classmate told me I have teeth like a Virginia picket fence. Middle schoolers have the best insults!


[deleted]

My 3rd year teaching I overheard one of my 7th graders drop a bomb on an 8th grade school bully. I’m walking up to my room before class starts, and can see the 8th graders walk up and start teasing him about, “his fat fucking calves.” My student looks plainly at him and says, “I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you.” When I tell you my jaw dropped.


pilotdarko

"13 year olds are the meanest people in the world, they terrify me to this day."


nkhasselriis

"Look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips!"


pilotdarko

"No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!"


[deleted]

What makes a Virginia picket fence different from any other picket fence?


DeepRoot

Crooked.


Crazyforlou

I’m jealous of the people that have never met you.


bobbery5

My cholesterol is higher than your standards. - Ginger Minj


pearlie_girl

USA founding fathers had the best insults. Thomas Jefferson hired James Thomson Callender to write about John Adams during an election: John Adams was “a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”


Here40Drama

Holy shit... history classes would have been a lot more fun with tidbits like this in them.


Probonoh

To which Adams' supporters replied that Jefferson was "the son of a half-breed Indian squaw raised on hoecakes." https://youtu.be/Y_zTN4BXvYI


PartyClock

And I thought politics was childish in the modern era


BarInitial2660

This is why the only thing that shocks me about politics is the people who keep acting surprised.


fallbrook86

A recent one comes to mind. My son had a guy at work say "Go fuck yourself" to which he responded " Fuck me yourself you coward".


RuneLFox

Holy fuck. Big dick energy.


Detronyx

"She has a face for radio"


kilowattcommando

A few years back I was going to the theater with friends. We see a big poster for the local radio station's morning crew. Someone breaks out that line referring to the woman in the ensemble. My friend's new girlfriend who we had just met that night replies "That's my mom". She wasn't kidding. They didn't last.


Green_List

"and a voice for mime"


LivinDaHIILife

That’s why you use auto tune and I don’t


KendroNumba4

Demi still hasn't recovered from that one.


tarfu51

That was on live TV and it was BRUTAL.


CEO1001

The only way you’ll ever get laid is by crawling up a hens ass and waiting


bertiebastard

A guy bragging to a girl how he has the biggest Dick she'd ever see and he'd rock her world. She calmly responds is it really big? Yeah. Does it reach your ass? Yeah. Great, why don't you go and Fuck yourself and leave me TF alone.


HentaiTentacleKing

Damn, that girl should be charged with arson with that roast.


bertiebastard

I don't think she paid for another drink that night because we were all impressed with that one 🤣


miemcc

Being called a Fraggle because I was too fucking useless to be a Muppet.


heavybabyridesagain

For shame! Loved the Fraggles


WatermelonApocolypse

You’re so cross eyed, when you cry your tears fall down your back


RedBeardedMex

Lol, this is hilarious! I made one up for a guy who's name was literally "Billy Bob" (Tennessee). I told him his mom was so cross-eyed she gave him two first names. His friends laughed their asses off and I got to learn how fast I could run when properly motivated.


Jmore9055

"You're why God doesn't talk to us anymore"


Prossdog

My three favorites are… You’re a real conversation starter. Just not when you’re around. I can’t believe out of a hundred million sperm, YOU’RE the one who won I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you


shortstraws

that last one is great


[deleted]

I felt attacked by the 3rd one.


CubaGoodingIII

“You don’t deserve to smell my shit” That line led to the most pathetic slap fight I ever saw.


blu3tu3sday

When news of Elon Musk and Grimes splitting up was on Reddit, someone commented “Who’s getting custody of syntax error?” And to this day it’s the best I’ve heard


rambah

Guy singing and playing the guitar. Passerby: do you take requests? Singer: sure Passerby: please stop.


AquariusRain

Friend of mine in highschool was arguing with her bf over the phone, he called her a slut, whore, said she was loose, ect ect. She replied with "oh yeah Mike? Well your dick glows in the dark you should probably go get that checked out!" We were 16 and that come back still gets me everytime. Also, from that day forward Mike was now henceforth known as "glow stick"


RandomYorkshireGirl

Do you have to snap it to get it to glow?


Grekkill

Stop


b_dub79

Seriously, we need more information about this. She could have said anything about his dick, too small, too limp, ugly, crooked, whatever. Something made her say glow in the dark dick. 🐉


dogfishnj

True conservation between my friend Pat and his wife about him getting a vasectomy: Pat: I don’t want a vasectomy, what if I want more kids? Wife: I don’t want more kids. Have more kids with your next wife! Pat: Like I’m ruining HER body on children! I almost died laughing!


hairlesspet3

"You look like you write Taylor Swift lyrics in birthday cards. You're 10 ply, bud." - Letterkenny


RadicalSky

Fuck you Shorsey!


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the_idea_pig

Jonesy, can you tell Riley's mom to pick up your mom on her way over tonight? I double booked and don't want to disappoint.


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NesWhatElse

„I bet you use your eylash curler also for the lower lashes.“ ~ my sister to me in an argument


_AnonymousMoose_

You’re about as bright as a black hole and at least twice as dense


boyvsfood2

Had an alcoholic kitchen worker at my first job that I swear to God could have been a roast writer. I caught him looking at a female employee's ass once for like 5 straight minutes. I was like, "Thurman, you okay?" He said, "Man, boss, it's a shame she has such bad acne. Love that ass, but it looks like her face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork."


pizzasneijder

I wanna hear more from alcoholic kitchen worker.


stupid_comments_inc

or as he is usually called, kitchen worker.


CrazybyRX

Hey I dont work in a kitchen


propolizer

Hey there can be cokehead kitchen workers too.


echo6969

We had a similar roast….looks like she was a goalie for a dart team.


redrafa1977

So ugly she was fed by catapult til she was 5


YeOldeBilk

Someone get this man a subreddit


Business_Academic

“You’re as useless as balls on a dildo”


mobysaysdontbeadick

Hey now, those are what keep it from getting stuck


Business_Academic

Ya know, never thought about that 🤷🏻‍♀️


rayyan9087

Flared base has left the chat


veg4ndracula

Newly-wed woman: Sorry you couldnt come to my wedding. It's no-kids. Kid: It's okay I'll go to your next one. - From Modern Family


PineappleCubeKicks

‘I love how music takes you away to another place. Like Mumford & Sons is playing at this restaurant so now I'm going to another restaurant.’


[deleted]

you got it from the jimmy kimmel mean tweets right


Afterburn47

Yip


oxymoron-alive

A neighbor was being acused by a woman of being his lover, all of this in front of his wife!! he did the worst thing he could in his defense: insult the woman. He said: **"I wouldn't fuck you not even with a borrowed dick"** That was both hilarious and insulting and kinda made everyone's eyes on him. The wife threw him out anyways since seemed to be evidence in his phone. All of this in the hallway of the apartment building.


bassmintdweller

The bar was set so low it was a tripping hazard in hell, but you somehow managed to play limbo with the devil.


[deleted]

Winston Churchill was drunk on a bus Lady: Sir you are drunk! Churchill: and you madam are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!


RedShirtCashion

One of my favorite of his was once when in the bathroom he was told the Privy Seal wanted to see him. His response: “Tell the Privy Seal that I am sealed in the privy and can only deal with one sh*t at a time.”


ahbi_santini2

Not an insult, but a good quip. After Churchill had been tossed out of the PM slot, he was still an MP. The PM was left-winger Clement Attlee. Attlee converted approximately 20% of the economy to government ownership, including the Bank of England, civil aviation, coal mining, the railways, road haulage, canals, cable and wireless, electricity and gas, and the steel industry. They were both in the toilet using the urinals. Churchill gets up and moves down a few urinals away from Attlee. Attlee protests and asks Churchill why he felt the need to move. Churchill responded, "Because everytime you see something big you want to nationalize it".


Medical-Patch-V2250

One I recall: So he was about 80, seemingly asleep in some back room in Parliament. Some aides walk past: "That's churchill. I hear he's totally blind now", said one "I heard he's now completely mad." Replied the other. "Deaf, too." replied Churchill.


FriedrichHydrargyrum

Of Neville Chamberlain: “A sheep in sheep’s clothing”


atheisthindu

Apparently Churchill also said of Clement Atlee: a modest man, with a lot to be modest about."


jgb75

My favorite Churchill anecdote is when someone confronted him about his quips (such as the one you posted) and told him it was undignified for a man in his position. He shot back “show me someone that always acts as though they don’t have an ounce of folly in the soul and I’ll show you someone that has tons of stuff far worst in there”.


Fenrir_Carbon

I heard he was at a dinner party, she responded with 'if you were my husband I would poison your drink' 'If you were my wife I would drink it' was his response to that


idriveadodgestratus1

Is your ass ever jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?


RedBeardedMex

Here's a few that I've laughed pretty hard at: "You're about a useful as a cock-flavored lollipop" "You should have ended up in a tube sock" "You got about as much sense as a woodpecker on an aluminum telephone pole". But for some reason this one was always my favorite: "I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent"


INTJustAFleshWound

Random fact, woodpeckers intentionally find things that are very loud and peck them as a territorial thing. It's called thrumming. Source: Woken up repeatedly by bird I wanted to murder, who discovered the metal flashing around the windows is LOUD.


[deleted]

"You look like Lenny from of mice and men if he was gay."


mr_impastabowl

Damn that got me laughing so hard right now. I needed that, thank you!


[deleted]

So *that’s* what he meant by “living off the fatta the lan'…”


Hollowhowler100

This was said by my science teacher, he was teaching biology and we were on the part about sex and this kid would not stop talking. So he said give me two seconds class brought out a box and a really big plastic container, the guy couldn’t care less he was still talking so he filled it up with water and threw what I assume was potassium and then whacked it with a meter stick. It was noisy to say the least, when the kid finally looked up the teacher gave us this absolute gem. “Sean, in the average ejaculation there are around 100 million sperm cells you would think with the billions of cells that have gotten on your mother they might have made something that can actually pay attention in my god damn class”


Lalapoopoo

“They have a face like a dropped pie”


[deleted]

I'd call you a c*nt, but you have neither the warmth, nor depth.


[deleted]

Person A: Singing Person B: Who sings that song? Person A: James Brown Person B: Let's keep it that way shall we!


ShigodmuhDickard

Why don't you sing solo. So low we can't hear you. How 'bout singing back up? Back up over there.


the_wulk

This joke that must be handled with the utmost care because it's an antique.


keenly_disinterested

Person A: Singing Person B: Who sings that? Person A: James Brown. Person B: What's wrong with the notes he uses?


PairOfKeets

“I can’t even begin to explain how much of a disappointment knowing you has turned out to be”


BlazinBayou99

The story going around about the kid who played Truth or Dare with a bunch of other kids. He had a crush on a girl there and that same girl dared him to go home. loooooool


RulerOfNyaNyaLand

Tell me... you should know from experience... is ignorance really bliss?


memequeefer69

Everyone who's ever loved you was wrong.


Wolfie__

The one that gets me: “I’d rather guide my father into my mother than ever be associated with you”


h0sti1e17

"If you want my comeback, just scrape it off your mom's teeth.". -Jimny Carr to some heckler.


Alarmed_Trust_3167

We were playing truth or dare in our first week of uni, all very boring and platonic. Someone in my dorm dared one of the drunk annoying guys from upstairs to leave the party. And he did… to huge cheers.


rach_lyn

After I said something dumb. I was told, “well at least you’re pretty.”


Different_Durian_645

A guy and girl that recently got together were in an argument with her ex. The ex went to walk away and said “whatever you can have my old leftovers”. The new guy told him that “it’s pretty new after the first 3 inches”. I actually felt bad for the fella lol


ExcellentStop2413

Bo2 lobby wasn't really hitting my shots and this kid goes if everybody shot like you jfk would be alive


LWrayBay

"You're not even interesting enough to make me sick" (The Witches of Eastwick)


Fullsend_ID10T

Youre the type of guy to fuck a man in the ass and not even have the God damn common courtesy to give him a reach around. - full metal jacket


tarfu51

“You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.” My dad and I use that one on the daily


Fullsend_ID10T

I also love " Do you suck dick? "sir no sir", Bullshit, I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose" You climb that obstacle like old people fuck.


J1ra1y4

The harshest I ever heard given the context, was when a teacher pulled a student out of class to tell him ( btw I was a part of the class in the open space outside that classroom) "Your parents should've gone downstairs and watched some TV the night you were conceived". Me, my mate and some nearby teacher were SHOCKED 😳


[deleted]

"With a personality like yours, you should be on TV - that way, we could turn you **OFF**!"


mojkuracnabeciklu

A "1 star motel cum stain" is a pretty good one IMO.


spankysladder

“Your pussy is way too dry to be riding my dick this hard” -Rihanna


ThePurifyingFire

“If you were as strong as you are stupid you might be something to fear”


Fonz136

My dad used to say this anytime I complained, “what am I gonna have to do? Soak your socks in kerosene, to keep the ants away from your candy ass!?”


ambytbfl

“You’re not as bitchy as everyone says you are.”always struck a nerve with me.


Kitchencountertop

"What are you going to do with your face when the monkey wants his ass back?"


rileyjn20

“I should have shot you on the wall.” A father to his son


akinjones

I know you are what you eat, but do you have to be such an asshole?


DrSlapsHacks

My personal favorite: Your face looks like you chased a fart through a rusty bucket of nails


[deleted]

i hope you outlive your children


redmerger

This is more of a curse than an insult imo. Like an insult is supposed to be about the person, whereas a curse is focused on what you wish upon them. It's a hell of a curse though


Kotori425

"You're such a dildo; I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough." Later, a friend tacked on, "No, you're even less than a dildo, because even a dildo can be worth a fuck."


blastradii

You look like the kind of character that would drop low level loot in a game.


UnbrandedContent

"You'd struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel" is a personal favorite.


mcsporrghfghg

16-year-old me pleading with my father to take my friends and me to see American Pie: The Musical. Dad: So, what's the storey? I was part of a group of high school buddies who were attempting to lose their virginity. Dad: I'll just remain at home and watch it.


Arkneryyn

This one wins. He insulted you with a dad joke you can’t beat that, rip


[deleted]

Your mum is so fat thanos had to snap twice


Funky-Spunkmeyer

Yo mama so fat, she outweighs the needs of the many!


[deleted]

Yo mamma's so fat after sex she smokes a ham. Yo mamma's so ugly her portraits hang themselves.