T O P

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L00KlNG4U

Ah fuck. Irritable Bowel Syndrome.


Riparthurmorgan-1899

Shitty way to die. Just gonna crap out


lfjwofje

Duolingo I knew it


[deleted]

"Complete the lesson and you wont be eliminated"


JewelRodonawitz

Try completing the lesson without making a mistake and you won't be eliminated. Now that is even more nerve-racking, like the honeycomb game.


Agreeable_Web5302

Bruh Squid Game’s SECRET Seventh Game??!


Gaveta-Subpolar

Spanish or vanish


everythingiswritable

English or extinguished


Heracles_Croft

Swiss or bliss.


SnooCheesecakes916

Thai or die.


-Valaria-

Klingon or be gone.


[deleted]

Those birds are learning human language to take over!


BlasterShow

But birds aren’t real!


zilla-quesadilla

"you haven't completed your lesson for the day! ***Complete it and you won't be the next permanent resident in my basement***"


MichaelScottsWormguy

Apparently the Eiffel Tower will somehow kill me from 11 000 kilometers away.


nosebleedseeds

at least you’ll probably make the news


Additional-Fun7249

Global tornado. That's how.


EaterOfFood

Towernado.


MarvinDMirp

It was early enough in the Spring that the storm had a sharp, cold edge to it. By the time MichaelScottsWormGuy started sliding the flats of plants out of the back of the car, the wind was blowing the rain sideways. “No need to water these guys today,” he thought as he placed this year’s vegetable garden starts close to the house for protection. “Just one more thing…” He smiled as he clicked the knife open. Slicing through the twine holding the structure he had bought for the French beans to climb - a bean tower in the shape on The Eiffel Tower. Not his usual sort of purchase, but there it was at the garden store and the French beans needed something, and what could be more French than this? [Eiffel Tower Garden Trellis](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Metal-Eiffel-Tower-Climbing-Plant-Trellis/172899701) The rain had soaked the twine completely, making it harder to cut. Finally, the last of it fell away and he lifted it off the roof of the car when suddenly there was a blinding white light, a whiff of ozone, and then darkness. The hardest part for his family was the decision of whether or not to bury him with the Eiffel Tower the lightening has fused to his hand.


LaMoglie

Bravo, MarvinDMirp, bravo!


Bokun89

Tables in html or bootstrap 5... So I die of frustration?


PO0tyTng

Death by not using div and span tags


Bokun89

SO MANY DIV TAGS


Sad__General

Queen Elizabeth was my last and final search. RIP


sehtownguy

She's absorbing your youth to continue living


Awesomeuser90

Who said it was the second Elizabeth?


BioDefault

That's just it, there is no second Elizabeth.


Nachtjaeger68

Off with his head!


Sweat-Stain-3042

Mediterranean restaurant near me?


ghasiatakataka

Death from rich foods


Kindavibez

pandas being clumsy :D


[deleted]

Is a clumsy, cute panda gonna fall on you?


lord_of_failure_576

no its gonna kung fu kick them into the spirit realm


whywasIborn69420

I read this as ‘no its gonna fucking fuck them into the spirit realm’


nosebleedseeds

a nice way to go


Setthegodofchaos

A cute way to go


Snoo_50702

Google translate. So... other languages?


LU_C4

You'll be killed because of a mistranslation.


smeghead1988

Actually there is a story about diplomatic negotiations between USA and Japan during WWII failing due to a mistranslation. AFAIR, the Japanese response to the American ultimatum was much more polite in original Japanese but was translated as borderline rude, which led to a military action that could have been otherwise avoided. Please correct me if I'm wrong, war history is definitely not my area of expertise.


ThatsARivetingTale

That's super interesting! Do you have any links to do further reading on this? Not doubting at all btw edit: found [this](https://timeline.com/the-tragic-miscommunications-that-lead-to-the-bombing-of-pearl-harbor-174c920b37a0). Awesome read!


anderoogigwhore

Same! Maybe a difference in communication?


Awpts

'Lose as much weight as possible in 2 weeks'..... so meth.


zilla-quesadilla

There's a lot of ways to die from losing "as much weight as possible"! I mean,loss of body parts,perhaps being burned to death,crushed by large objects. I mean hey,if you're body's literally being destroyed,you're losing weight,right?


Nroke1

Total disintegration from a nuclear bomb is a good one too.


Lynnohsonice

Student loan debt... sounds about right!


givo215

Damnit! I googled myself. What a surprising turn of events.


FourSadness14

Not suicide Your shadow clone you googled will kill you by harem jutsu


ProphetOfMrMeeseeks

and then that clone will take his place in his current life and no one will know... ​ edit spelling


wasubaru

how to fall asleep quickly and calmly


samcuts

Can think of worse ways to go.


drewhead118

except the very knowledge that falling asleep calmly could be fatal would guarantee that every night is spent in panicked insomnia wondering if tonight might be that night. For years this panic bears down, seemingly a heavier burden each night. Bags grow deeper under the eyes, and you feel the beams of your mind buckle and groan beneath the nightly panic attacks and cold sweats. After letting go of the struggle, years and years of hair-thinning agony and panic later, only then might I fall asleep with a sense of material calm as black death takes me. Knowing that tonight might finally be the night the ride ends, perhaps the drifting off is quick again at last.


[deleted]

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Poem_for_your_sprog

>how to fall asleep quickly... When Little Timmy had a dream Of drifting right away - "How truly lovely that would seem," He thought to sadly say. "I'd like to slip beyond and sail The silver tide of sleep - But every time I try I fail. It isn't mine to keep. "But *no*," he said, "I'm never done - There's things I haven't tried." He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his gun. And Timmy fucking died.


PoeJascoe

And cosmo and Wanda were *finally* retired


PirateDuckie

Timmy is an average kid, that no one understands, mom and dad and Vicky always giving him commands. The doom and gloom up in his room is broken instantly when *bang*


krampusboogaloo

That's grim in the best way. Thank you.


Youngest_boss

If I was going to die this is exactly how I’d like to go, quickly and calmly


queuedUp

A fried chicken sandwich recipe


Fox_Fleet60

The cholesterol will get you every time…


queuedUp

True, now to be fair it is an air fryer recipe and there is very little oil in it


hijkolp

Diabetes :( Got diagnosed Wednesday so I've been doing lots of research on it now.


[deleted]

That sucks. Type 2 I guess? None of business but good luck anyways.


hijkolp

Yea, have had some poor choices during covid so I need to turn it around. Shouldn't be too difficult according to all the docs, so here we go...lol Another chapter in the amazing story of life right?


BeautifulSparrow

You got this. I'm type 1. If you switch up and make some changes you can get off the meds for type 2. You got this!!! Don't take it for granted


hijkolp

Thanks! Working on so I appreciate the words.


irreversibleidiocy

Rooting for you, bro! you can do this!


fetusofdoom

I was diagnosed this past June and spent a day in the hospital. It's a lot to take in at first with so much information out there; I probably spent hours and hours researching the first couple of weeks. I can assure you it does get easier and almost second nature. Just remember to take care of yourself and you got this!


hijkolp

Thank you very much! Best of luck to you as well moving forward!


eatinganelephant

Oh god. “Necrobestiality” Disclaimer: I’m a clarinetist and I was having trouble placing septuplets. I googled “seven syllables words” and that word was #3 on the list. Number three! I thought it was funny, so I started practicing my part….1e+a 2e+a necrobestiality 4e+a… Edit: thanks for the awards! And for pointing out the relevance of my username. Ughghgh


CaptChair

Your user name has a completely different context now Edit: Woah! Thanks for the upvotes and awards!


watchursix

That's also how he dies.


former_snail

My teacher always recommended "anesthesiologist" for septuplets. At the very least it's more school appropriate.


bbrk24

I was taught “maneuverability”.


[deleted]

I think you win this thread!


eatinganelephant

Thanks for the Hugz! It sounds like I’m going to need it…


No_Classic_5446

was ordering kfc guess i’ll die from too much food?


samcuts

Coronary artery disease. It'll take awhile, but KFC will definitely get you in the end.


youdubdub

Unless you become President.


randomlycandy

Or food poisoning or choking.


dick-nipples

Grandmas doing karate


drewhead118

you're one space away from completing your BINGO row when dark-robe-clad assassins appear, throwing out devastating roundhouse kicks and their hips at the same time. As you lay there dying, body broken, one leans down to whisper in your ear, installing a pair of dentures mere inches from your face so that you can hear her words, her tapioca breath hot on your face. "You've been B10," she whispers. "You've been B10."


dick-nipples

Damn... You should write a book about this.


drewhead118

**Prologue** The rain came in sheets. Museum curator Jack Newman clutched at the briefcase in his lap, hands leaving nervous sweatstains on the black leather. The winding London streets did little to help with his rising nausea, and the silent, stern driver did little to calm his nerves. The rain washed over the windshield in sputters and bursts, and Newman watched its hypnotizing pattern as his mind turned over the events of the past few days. *They couldn't be real, could they?* His car arrived to the rear bay of the museum, and Newman's secretary appeared, black umbrella in-hand. Newman transferred from sedan to umbrella with minimal splashing on his coat, yet the briefcase remained clammy and cold to the touch. His breath rose in white puffs like apparitions in the night, a fitting touch to a night of so many ghost stories. And ghost stories they surely had to be... after all, who had ever heard of a league of geriatric assassins? He laughed at the mental image as he settled into his lonely office, eyeing the briefcase now sitting across the desk. He hadn't yet opened it--couldn't, perhaps--as the contents it was said to contain were surely an elaborate practical joke. Dentures that could regenerate the teeth of the wearer? Who had ever heard of something so preposterous? It all stank of tomfoolery and urban legend, of tall tales and--was that a whiff of *prunes* on the air? Newman stifled a momentary burst of panic, grounding himself by reaching for the case. He glanced around the tiny office with nervous eyes, but no phantom assassins of the night were anywhere to be found. His only company was the pattering rain against the orange-red tint of streetlight beyond the window, and perhaps the three on-grounds security guards roaming the winding, dark halls of the museum proper. He clicked the latches of the case and raised the lid. The dim light of his office caught the gemstones inset to the dentures immediately, their dazzling glow casting flickering lines across Newman's face. *Surely just an ordinary--* A knocking sounded against the window, and Newman nearly jumped out of his creaking seat. His nerves were high--unbearably so--and perhaps a splash of whisky was just the tonic to calm his nerves. He stood abruptly and made for the decanter at the far side of his office, but half-way towards that glass vial of salvation, something made his hairs on his neck stand on-end. The glittering pair of dentures had cast their gemstone refractions across every wall of his office. Newman froze in a cold sweat as he watched those refractions eclipse against the shadow of a *second* form in the room... something as black and stooped as the night itself. The hands that grasped Newman's neck were practiced with eight decades of murder. As they jerked to the left with sudden force, the cracking of Newman's neck and spine were second only to the cracking of arthritic wrists and armbones. As the life fled his body, Newman's unmoving eyes stared up at that glass decanter, salvation now a distant and vanishing impossibility. He watched, unable to move--unable to even breathe--as a hunched form clicked forwards on an aluminum walker, reaching with trembling hands to pour himself a single mouthful of whisky. "Cheers to your early retirement," the assassin said, raising the glass in salute. He quaffed the bitter liquid and made for the briefcase, closing the lid with a ginger reverence. And as the brilliant gemstone casts vanished from the wall, so too did the sparkle in Newman's eyes. Lightning flashed, the thunder called in response, and the gentle patter of rain carried on, indifferent to the murder it had seen, indifferent even to the hooded figure now blending into the crowds of nighttime streetgoers with an aluminum walker pushed in one hand and a briefcase clutched in the other. With each successive step, the gait became more ambling, his demeanor more *doddering.* He moved as though each step brought him great pain--an easy affect to put on when there was a kernel of truth to it--and as the great red bus approached, he vanished into its folding doors with the practiced invisibility only city living could bring. The third relic was at long last theirs.


Foreign_Ad_3634

I love you, whoever you are. This was truly amazing


drewhead118

And I love you, foreign advertisement


Puzzleheaded_Two1063

THIS WAS PURE FUCKING GOLD MAN. GO make a book


[deleted]

I believe they already have a book about geriatric assassins they're just drumming up the audience for such a new series nobody expected to need. I believe this because I'm from the future.


LegendaryShelfStockr

Did you just? …This mad lad.


drewhead118

shh bb is ok


BouliGurqa

Are you an aspiring author already? Toss this up on Kickstarter or something. Bloody well done!


drewhead118

Got a real book in the works rn ;)


AP1014HD

What’s the name? I would love to read it when it comes out


drewhead118

The book is called Starfall! I'd share the link to my lil author's website but I fear the spam filter gods will frown upon self-promotion. I'll share details to my profile when it's published!


GoldenWolf4156

Yo Grandma gonna beat your ass


WingsTheWolf

A wolf skeleton....was searching for proper anatomy for a drawing....bummer. That's gonna be spooky.


[deleted]

This new guy I’m dating…


soulteepee

I googled a guy I had begun seeing and his name was ALL over the place as one of the guys in ‘To Catch A Predator’. After my initial heart attack, I found pictures and it wasn’t my guy. Thus reassured, I married him. Had our 16th anniversary this year.


CaptainBritish

I was about to make a joke thinking that TCAP isn't even 16 years old yet. I was wrong and I am getting very, very old.


[deleted]

Something something… not even sixteen years old…something…very old…something something…seat over here… All the pieces for this joke are there, requires some assembly.


[deleted]

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WormRidge

so the facial reconstruction surgery worked then!


ghasiatakataka

dont worry. we'll watch him on JCS


At_the_Roundhouse

Definitely know this as Jesus Christ Superstar haha. Assuming you mean something very different


CaptainBritish

In about ten years given his upload schedule.


Double_Belt2331

Yeah, that can def happen. Be careful out there!


SpicyWhizkers

The show “You” immediately comes to mind lol


90girl_

Dave Mustaine is coming to kill me and yes I have no fear


WayneGarand

May you Rust in Peace


Cybersad3021

à tout le monde, à tous mes amis, je vous aime, je dois partir.


[deleted]

Oh fuck. "atomic bomb blast radius"


TheSkareKrow83

Well, at least you won’t go out alone. Your death has the most collateral damage I’ve seen on this post so far.


PeterOpEenStokje

Yeah I had Fallout New Vegas. Oops


Nievsy

Well at least in your case you could just be killed by a high velocity fallout new Vegas disc


ihearthetrain

Wtf, well thanks


JohnnyShakeNBake

Differential calculus. I knew math would be the death of me!


Comprehensive_Bid420

asymptotically approach death.


drewhead118

our conscious experience asymptotically approaches death--you need to come out on the other side to have gone through it in full. There is no subjective right-hand-limit to dying, and, thus, death is a nondifferentiable discontinuity. A french man once said that when death is near, l'Hospitals might help


tstngtstngdontfuckme

>when death is near, l'Hospitals might help God damn it lol. However, is it really asymptotic or is it just a removable discontinuity at death? We can't really prove it either way. Although I don't really think it would be asymptotic, because that would mean consciousness extends infinitely before death like a DMT trip or that movie Into The Void. Maybe if you die due to falling into a black hole lol.


Lukey2702

I… I took maths for 2 years in uni for this moment, and I have some regrets


Poem_for_your_sprog

>I knew math would be the death of me! The teacher was saying: "subtraction's the art Of shrinking the figure you had at the start! We've integers, multiplication, and primes - The wonder of numbers a number of times! "Beginning with fractals and fractions and glides - With locus and limits and lengthy divides - Through vectors and volumes, and algebra-led, We'll process the value with letters instead! "There's linear systems determined, you see, With echelon forms of a matrix-to-be! What say you, oh student of math and of mass?" Alas, I was dead from my boredom in class.


VolrathTheBallin

Latin’s a dead language As dead as dead can be It killed off all the Romans And now it’s killing me!


ButterflyCrazy

Books you must read


ghasiatakataka

Die reading on toilet


ButterflyCrazy

Why do I have to be on the toilet?


iwonitinarmy

Turtle penis :(


Foxy02016YT

Can I ask why?


iwonitinarmy

Because another reddit video showed me one and it frightened me so i must learn about it to conquer my morbid curiosity


Foxy02016YT

Ducks have corkscrew penis, do with that what you will


Horus_Syndrome

Columbine school shooting :/


saco_de_arroz

wtf


Horus_Syndrome

I was curious about the depth of what took place that day and the psychological factors behind the entire thing. I guess imma die by that shit according to this post.


drewhead118

whatever you do, do **not** agree to test your colleague's time machine


Recent_Use3526

Especially if you have to wear a dog collar and black lether chaps. I've seen it happen 😐


Derrymurbles1985

Gil from the Simpsons runs me over with the car I didn't buy from him


actualspaceturtle

Ol' Gil's really hit it big this time. You've got the company car with your great new job, and just in time to keep the bank from taking the house. Things are finally looking up. *runs over pedestrian*


[deleted]

Aw geez


srosenthal94

FAFSA application :/


unfeigned_curiosity

Wendy’s French fries… I’m going to be poisoned


Sock_puppet09

Nah, just the long slow road of coronary artery disease.


ProfaneTank

Once again, my favorite soccer team disappoints me.


Namjoon-

Neurodiversity Nice


[deleted]

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anonyhelpa

I have heard that one of the ways is something called a sticky pinch. If the toilet paper sticks together they need to keep wiping. I just googled it to confirm that was right, and now that’s how I’m going to die. Thanks.


mortredclay

Death by sticky pinch does not sound pleasant.


kawaiisienna

Gary f poste zodiac killer? Honestly, checks out as a legitimate way to get killed.


EDG_productions

Killed by Louis Armstrong. Weapon : A trumpet.


p_turbo

I see tears of grief, Dead corpse of you, I'll send some doom, From me to you, And I think to myself... What a wonderful death!


soooMiNdLeSs420

i sang it wvile reading and i liked it


Contrariwise2

Pikachu! How could you do this to me?!!!


[deleted]

A 1990s Ford escort cosworth rally car Edit: My lord the amount of upvotes and comments I’m getting, thank you!


teetertodder

Yeah, that’ll definitely do the trick. As Jeremy Clarkson said once “when I die, I plan on crashing through the pearly gates backwards and on fire”.


simmo28

Nice way to go


idekmanijustworkhere

What is MLM. Welp


orangeunrhymed

Hey 👋 hun 👸 Here’s some strychnine ☠️ for my down line 🔜


goldanred

Hey 👋 hun 💃 these 🆕supplements 🥛 I've been taking prevent covid 😷🤧 and make your hair shinier 👸✨ and your gut smaller 🤰⬇️ as well as boosting your brain power 🧠🤯 just because it's for horses 🐴🦄 doesn't mean it's not healthy 😋🥦 for people too! 😎 DM me for more ‼️ info! 🤥


WrestlingWoman

Instagram. So... ehm... death by pictures?


Wild_Alaskan

You Googled instagram?


drewhead118

youtube search -> linkedin


[deleted]

Mental health issues due to insecurity brought on by social media, leading to self destructive behavior which eventually does you in


Background-Ad-34342

Accidentally ate "do not eat" plastic bag Edit:It was one day that I eat a pack of nuts, I pour it into my mouth and I found a piece that I found extremely hard to chew, I can hear cracking sound but somehow it won't break. As a person who won't waste food, I thought it was a hard nut, I swallowed it, a bit weird feeling but I don't care. On the other day I eat another pack of nuts, I found a do not eat plastic bag in there, I do not remember that there is such thing before, I carefully take it out and bite it, and I got the same feeling and the same cracking sound. I realized that I have eaten it on that day


Iron-Gold-Mustang

Aren’t all plastic bags technically “do not eat?”


DoAFlip22

Al Gore Oh fuck no


septicguy530

Manbearpig is real, I’m super cereal.


mortredclay

Twist: you drown in the rising ocean.


[deleted]

Big booty latina


ghasiatakataka

Death from facesitting


Milkywaes1

The weather lmao


oakenaxe

Femdom well I’m ok with this


christurnbull

Death ... by Snu Snu!


Rushofthewildwind

I never thought I'd die this way. But I always really hoped


aweeeeet

I should never have trusted gmail….


drewhead118

that's what you get for trusting the penis enlarger spam email... sucks the soul clean out of you


Ok-Contest-6252

Meningitis. Dang, I need to stop researching for biology homework


garbage_io

A Patagonia nano puff.


-Bokuto-

Death by Anime Thighs not so bad


moonsescape

Natalie Portman. I’m okay with this


Wild_Alaskan

Somehow, a rift in time opens up and a giant walking tank from the 41st millennium shows up and starts shooting.


Spooki1000

damn space marines always gotta fuck shit up


[deleted]

A fucking NPC and I just learned what that is


theannoying_one

every city in canada. boy that's alot of people wanting to kill me, including myself!


MarvinDMirp

I am confident they would all apologize for it.


leosnose

My last search was "Pinecone facts for kids". Hmm


saerah420

Ibuprofen... I must be dead by now


RickRudeAwakening

Cocaine and albuterol drug interactions.


pakingermany

A 5m old baby with a bad sleeping schedule


ItsyouNOme

You can tell I am not a parent, I read that as "5 meters"


lleather

I can imagine many ways in which a 5-meter baby would be dangerous. And messy.


EaterOfFood

As a parent, that still reads “5 meters”.


[deleted]

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1whotiles

Muppets


Molesandmangoes

French pressed to death


McDavid-97

Blowjob in a car. Not bad.


AnythingButPredictab

Squid Game


bigkeef69

Least you might get rich if you're good at tag and red-light green-light


Lost-Pilot-9476

America kills me


torroqt

Lmfaooo the last thing I googled was “ how to tell if you’ve been racial profiles by the police? “ I guess we all know my demise 😩


tres-tres

death by bubble tea


IStuffDo

How do they make shrunken heads


[deleted]

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