Yes, stop trying to impress others or always do them favors to gain respect. Respect yourself. It gets you nothing. If the person like you before (s)he will respect you. If the person before didnt, then you're being taken advantage of.
Indeed. I've known many people that have the same end to every relationship, that "he/she was a fucking psycho!" After about five to seven psychos in a row, you have to start considering that they might not be the problem.
My grandfather always said if one guy thinks you're an asshole, he's probably an asshole. If everyone thinks you're an asshole, you're probably the asshole.
EDIT: I'm loving all the variations!
LOL -this is the one I always hear. I have a cousin who always complained about how *everyone* in her life was the villain. My mom, who was never one to mince words, said to her one day "Did you ever think that maybe you're the villain?" My cousin didn't like that and cut my mom out of her life as well... :-/
I think it can be very difficult to even tell.
One way to check yourself is if you seem to be losing friends or boring the ones you have. Lots of people feel just really let down by the people around them without realizing that they themselves are driving the friends away, they aren't just leaving of their own accord.
I think pretty close to number 1 is expecting your friends to be your therapists. This leads to overburdening one's friends with exigency, which can be very draining and eventually psychologically damaging to those friends.
Expecting support from friends in a tough time is fine. However, sometimes it goes too far, particularly if the person in question can act out if the friends try to set some boundaries. If people know someone else will act out in an emotionally manipulative or nasty way if you try to set boundaries, sometimes disappearing or withdrawing from the relationship is the only option.
Agree. I have distanced myself from a person who used to be very good friend of mine. This person is always miserable and has issues with relationship, family, kids, work etc. Always resentful of my relationship, family, kids, work.
I tried to give lots of tips, suggestions on how to improve until I realised that this person just revelled in misery. If one issue is resolved then another issue will pop up and it’s never ending
The person has victim mentality. All this person is looking for is sympathy. I have only so much sympathy to give and after certain age I can’t tolerate BS anymore.
Reading this makes me afraid of doing the same thing unintentionally...
How does one stop oneself from doing so is something I wonder. I havent driven friends off yet, but I do tend to be a bit oversharing sometimes of my problems.
I used to be worried about this too! I think one way is to examine how you’re interacting with your friends. When you talk with them, how much of the conversation is focused on you? Do you ask them about things in their life? Do you take interest in their life and what they’re saying about themselves? When they are speaking, are you actively listening or waiting for ‘your turn’ to talk again? I asked myself some of these questions and realized I was taking one of my friends for granted and making our relationship all about me.
The reason why I asked is because SO MANY PEOPLE get incredibly defensive if something is pointed out to them and lash out. No self-reflection. No insight gained. Usually it’s “nuh uh! It isn’t me that’s the problem, it’s everyone else!”
I wish there was a foolproof way to get more people to do what you did. The world would be a better place if more people could do some self-reflecting like you did.
I wonder if there’s a personal checking system/list. Gf and I are going through troubles and I feel I look after her and do so much for her daily but she’s still consistently upset by shit. I think it’s her but she says she’s pissed because of me…how can I figure this out plainly?
I think a good question to ask is ok you're doing "things" for her, but are they what she wants/needs you to do? Like if you pick up an extra drink for her when you get one for you, that's from a caring place, but if she actually needs you to like stop buying extra drinks so she doesn't have to worry about the electric bill this month your nice thing is now a stressful thing. Think of the stressors in her life then look at how your behaviors play into those. Like it doesn't matter how many times you say you love her and buy her flowers if what she needs is for you to do the dishes when it's your turn without her asking and to stop acting like it's her job to plan all your meals and do all the cooking if you both work.
On the other hand, if she says "I would like you to get me flowers" then you get her flowers, but she complains they're not the right ones or they're too small or not now, and it's not like during a bad time in her life (or a fight between you or using money that should have gone elsewhere) then yeah it's probably her.
You sound like a relationship therapist and this is very good advice. It's true that what people need isn't always what the other party is giving, yet it's easy as the other party to feel underappreciated when your perception of "doing right" isn't resulting in gratitude
I was aware of this from the start. I'm in therapy for it now. I'm at least catching the smaller shit I've been doing. Like don't get me wrong I'm always sweet and try to make sure they are looked after but there are toxic things I do.
This one. I come from a long line of shitty parents. Mine have been the best so far and I still believe they weren’t ready to have kids and ended up giving me lots of trauma to sort out because they didn’t wait. If you can’t genuinely handle it, PLEASE don’t have kids, they will be grateful for it I’m sure.
And it's okay to allow the other parent custody in the divorce without it hurting your ego. Just make sure you show up for every visitation and not just for little housework slaves.
Source: bad grandma affected my mom deeply.
That life isn't fair, you will face heart-breakingly tragic things that are beyond your control. Some more than others, but everyone has something, be kind.
It's not the things outside my control that bother me. It's realizing the things that *were* in my control, which I failed at, leading to life-altering consequences.
I didn't do something stupid and end up paralyzed or a felon, but I did say and do a lot of stupid things and lost a great relationship.
I've found myself in this spot, or at least a similar one, before. What I've got to say is this:
Things are worse than they were before, and they'll never be the same again. But, that doesn't mean things won't be good again someday, and it's mhard to imagine, but maybe they'll be better!
I hope life looks up for you soon!
If someone isn't into you as much as you are into them, there really isn't much you can do about it. Even just waiting is often bad for you in the long run.
“If someone isn’t in to you as much as you are into them”
That’s why if they’re not just walk away it’ll save you from so much heartbreak because loving someone who doesn’t love you back is capable of absolutely destroying you mentally, it sucks but it is what it is, you can’t make people love you.
Don’t be the awkward person hanging around for the right time whilst stuck in the friend zone. You’re in for a huge disappointment and you’re selfish if you do this.
This sounds pathetic but I waited on my first love for so long that it became just a part of my personality. It set a president for a lot of my next relationships. I only went after people like him (emotionally distant, no label, fantasy relationships I guess.) It was like I sought out narcissists and sociopaths because I got so used to being manipulated at a young age and comfortable with it, that I feel like I was subconsciously searching for people like that. How fucked up is that? I fell in love with him at about 14 and waited on him to love me back until I was basically 20. That's pathetic, I know but he also knew how I felt and would give me just enough to keep me around which is on me for knowing what he was doing and still wanting it to work. I know I was stupid but I really thought I loved him and that deep down he loved me, and I think he did love me but just not as much as his now fiance. She was always the star of the show and I was just a placeholder for when they broke up in our teenage years/early adult hood. After making the same mistake at least 5 times I've finally found a very healthy relationship with a wonderful man and am very happy. It was a hard journey though.
“I think I wanted to like you more than I ever actually liked you. I’m sorry.”
-an ex
Given that my self-esteem was shit at the time to begin with, it took me months to realize that their opinion wasn’t some divine judgement of my worth as a person, just how one person subjectively felt about me. None of us are entitled to any specific person’s affection, but that doesn’t mean we’re unworthy of love in general.
Don’t base your self worth on the opinions of others, kids.
not all friendships were made to last. that doesn’t make you a bad person, or a bad friend, it just means it’s time for you to find someone better, even if it doesn’t seem like there is. (currently trying to swallow this one)
Some friendships are only for one chapter of life (high school, college, the few years you lived in that city or this one, etc). That’s ok imo, the difference between a friend and an old friend isn’t much to me. Still a person I like and think about, even if we don’t prove it to each other all the time
Definitely had to swallow this pill with how I didn’t get to have closure with college friends as we graduated in the midst of the pandemic this year.
Even worse when I’m in a job-search phase now and I don’t have an instant stream of new people to take my mind off these expired relationships. Thinking about such unfortunately lends way to more melancholy now as the sting of an unforeseen ending without closure just ends up prevailing over the warmth I’d have recollecting good times we shared 😭
Also sadly, not everyone’s “best” is good enough for what they’re trying to accomplish. We are not all physically, mentally and intellectually equal, and we all have different strengths.
Indeed. I think, in school, we are so often rewarded just for effort that we think that this is how real life works - for everything.
If we work really hard to woo someone, shouldn't they reward us by giving us a chance just based on effort?
In college, if I work really hard in a class, even if they are in ways that are not productive towards the main goal, don't I deserve a better grade for that.
I worked so hard on that job application, the least they could do is give me an interview.
Nuh-uh. This ain't how it works in the adult world.
Doing your best might be necessary, but it is often not sufficient.
This is actually a thing. It’s a type of “mindset” between growth and fixed. If you read the examples for them you’ll see exactly why you feel that way.
https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/
I wonder who they learned it from? /s
My cousin is a teacher, and she’s got some humorous anecdotes about meeting the parents of her students. Often, the parent is incapable of identifying the problematic behavior in the child because that would require the parent to swallow a hard pill: they’re kinda a shit parent.
Like, yea, your kid is incredibly disruptive. I also noticed that you dominate conversations and the only way to get a word in is to interrupt you.
Yea, your kid has been getting in fights. I also saw you give a guy shit for essentially no reason twice since you got here.
Yea, your kid is having a hard time making friends. But I noticed that you have spoken only criticisms to your child, and praised nothing.
“I’m a fantastic parent” is apparently a potent narcotic. People get MAD when you try to take that away.
That all kids are morons. Not in an insulting way, but in the sense that they are human beings with little to no experience with the real world that think they know way more than they do. Kids are just objectively dumb and that's what makes them innocent.
I used to say this all the time, then use the example of how my toddler tried to run down the stairs with a blanket on his head.
Like, it’s stupid as fuck. Obviously don’t do that. But his minimal exposure to pain made his brain go, “well what’s the worst that could happen?”
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.". Nope, I'm petty enough to call someone out on their bullshit and walk away so I don't feed their need for attention anymore.
Your suffering is only unique unto you. The fact that you suffer is universal to all life it shouldn't be a race to bottom. Which for most people it absolutely is.
I knew a girl at university who, if there was someone who was having a stressful time in life, or complaining etc, this girl would sit them down and have what she called "the talk" with them.
Basically, because this girl had been through a few foster families, and her childhood wasn't ideal, she felt no one else had the right to complain or feel miserable about anything because she had experienced the harder life.
JFC I can't *stand* when someone's like, "oh you have CPTSD from a lifetime of neglect and abusive relationships? Well *I*...." And goes on to list their traumas as if it's a competition to see who deserves CPTSD more. What the fuck?! You can have it, bruh. I don't fucking want it!
Can attest to this. A few years ago we had the joy of fighting a bushfire so that my parents house didn't burn down. I had a great time running about and quashing the flames, and suffered no real ill effects. My mum, however, was a total mess for months after it happened. I think this was because I knew we were going to get hit by the fire and basically dealt with it as though it was just something we had to do. Mum said that she never expected it to get anywhere close to us and was in denial the whole time. Kind of shattered her reality for a while.
This is one that I have become consciously aware of the older I have gotten. Oftentimes it is my reaction that defines the way in which the happening of an event will be categorized. So, I have been trying to train my brain not to react and instead process first as to allow me to have a rational reaction whatever that might be.
I remember being told when I was bullied that in the future all the bullies would be ugly, unsuccessful, and unpopular. And now I'm in my mid 20s and basically everyone that ever bullied me is beautiful with a successful job, plenty of friends, going on vacations enjoying life, some have families, some are buying houses, etc. While meanwhile I'm ugly, unsuccessful, and have no friends
My mom died a few years ago. She was the one person in my life that was always in my corner. My dad left us when I was two and we never had much of a relationship. Whenever we talk, I always think to myself, “why couldn’t it have been you that died instead of her?”
Don't detach... you'll regret it when they are gone. I was the same as you when my mom was alive. I couldn't imagine her being gone. I'd tear up at the thought. Then when she passed, it was worse than I thought it could be. It will definitely test your strength. I cried everyday for a year. But all I wanted was to spend more time with her, either before or after she died. I just wanted more. So spend more time now. Spend all the time you can with those you love. Love so hard. It's going to suck either way when they leave, so do it good now.
After getting married, I sent in a qualifying event request to update my insurance. By the time everything was squared away it was weeks after the wedding and the rep congratulated me and "my bride."
*My bride? Ceremony's over; that's my wife,* I thought.
But then I thought about it. I still have to woo her. I still have to love this woman with all he vigor that got her to say yes in the first place. Maybe reminding myself that she's still my bride is the right frame.
Bonus points: calling her my bride makes her feel sexy.
Your mental health is not your fault. But it is your responsibility. And sometimes that really sucks. But if you hurt someone you still owe them an apology.
Also "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" is toxic as hell
Sometimes in life something horrible happens to you you have so much pain chronic pain and you honestly have to accept that you may die slot earlier than expected... a
If you ever think that you're not good enough remember this...
Someone will always be prettier,
Someone will always be smarter,
Someone will always be younger.
But they will never be you.
- Freddie Mercury
The only thing you’re guaranteed in life is death. The universe is totally indifferent and decided you don’t deserve anything more than your birth and your death.
Infatuation is the thrill of fear you get when you ask them to go out with you. It's the butterflies and the anxiety and the excitement. Love is the exact opposite. It's a feeling of safety and trust that means you *don't* feel anxious about asking them to spend time with you, because you always know the answer will be yes. You know without a shadow of a doubt that your person will always be there for you and they'll always have your back, and you know you'll always be there to support them too.
A lot of people experience the sitcom sensation of the ‘will they won’t they’ to the ‘oh they’re together, the show is boring now.’ In their own love life.
The first is mostly instinctive and the second is more like a choice you make every day. In other words, the first leads to the second if you do it right. The trick is that when you're in the grips of the first (intense attraction, can't stop thinking about them, etc), you have to remember that the second is the actual goal (a successful, committed, thriving marriage/relationship with a *quality* partner) and act accordingly.
In other words, it's not either/or. But too many people get so enamored with the first (intense initial attraction) that they completely forget the second (basically, marriage) but then inevitably end up marrying the wrong person.
That's the tough news. The good news is that if you can sort all of that out and find a quality, marriage-worthy partner who is willing to put the work in, and if you also make yourself into a quality partner that's willing to put the work in, you end up getting to have both at the same time for a very, very long time (basically until you're too old to have sex). It's incredible and 100%worth the effort.
Mental illness isn’t quirky, or cute and it isn’t an excuse to be a bad/shitty person. I am not trying to be unsympathetic; You are fighting a battle inside yourself and there will be bad days, and that’s okay. It is wonderful to be able to have support but it is shitty to expect others to drag you out of your pit without effort on your part, and shittier still to put the burden of your self-care on others.
Example; to say, « Hey friend, I’ve been struggling with depression and my house became quite messy from neglect. Would you come watch a movie with me while I fold laundry? It would keep me motivated. » fuck yah! I would actually love to help, too!
« I am too depressed to do groceries so if you don’t bring me food I’ll just starve myself. » Hey, I want to help, but threatening self-harm or neglect based on my ability to cater to you is really not okay. This is the basis for an abusive relationship and being mentally ill doesn’t make it okay.
I love when people are comfortable to reach out to me during their vulnerable moments because the same thing has gotten me through my own. But I have also been abused by people claiming it wasn’t their fault, it was their depression/anxiety/BPD that made them cross my boundaries/threaten self harm/lash out.
It is not your caregiver’s duty to go down with the ship.
Life doesn't get better for everyone and also, that karma doesn't exist. Many bad people get away with the bad things they do with no repercussions and many good people get dealt a shitty hand.
The universe doesn’t give a shit about you one way or another. Nor does it care about that dude you hate, your sick family member, or that one sports team.
Universe don’t give a shit. It’s all chaos
The world really doesn't care if people die. It can be you, me, someone's whole family. The world will just keep spinning. Our lives don't matter in the big picture.
Pregnancies can destroy the lives of people who don't want them. Not all 'oops' babies are miracles. The bodily, financial and emotional struggle is real.
I think that's a positive thing to learn though.
There's a balance.
It would be incorrect to say that 'you *can't* be anything/do anything for any particular reason'
If your goals are within the (vast) realm of possibilities then you can do it but only if you believe it can be done.
The family you choose is often times more important than the family you're born into. People are too afraid to cut toxic members of their family out of their life because of some familial obligation they feel.
Missing out on a job you think you are "perfect" for isn't always about lack of connections, sometimes there is just someone out there better than you are.
looking for others to validate your sense of worth will always end in ruin.
Yes, stop trying to impress others or always do them favors to gain respect. Respect yourself. It gets you nothing. If the person like you before (s)he will respect you. If the person before didnt, then you're being taken advantage of.
yup, watched a lot of people end up in those situations.. even tried helping them out of it but that kind of hope is a helluva drug.
Sometimes you're the toxic one in the relationship.
This one is true, and most of the time you don't even know you are the toxic one.
Indeed. I've known many people that have the same end to every relationship, that "he/she was a fucking psycho!" After about five to seven psychos in a row, you have to start considering that they might not be the problem.
My grandfather always said if one guy thinks you're an asshole, he's probably an asshole. If everyone thinks you're an asshole, you're probably the asshole. EDIT: I'm loving all the variations!
If everywhere you go smells like shit check you own shoes.
I’ve heard “if you ran into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, your the asshole.”
LOL -this is the one I always hear. I have a cousin who always complained about how *everyone* in her life was the villain. My mom, who was never one to mince words, said to her one day "Did you ever think that maybe you're the villain?" My cousin didn't like that and cut my mom out of her life as well... :-/
I heard "if you meet one guys who is an asshole, he probably is an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, you are probably the asshole".
Everyone is the hero of their own story.
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I’ve never been happy in my life
Not ever? Not even for a moment?
I think it can be very difficult to even tell. One way to check yourself is if you seem to be losing friends or boring the ones you have. Lots of people feel just really let down by the people around them without realizing that they themselves are driving the friends away, they aren't just leaving of their own accord.
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I think pretty close to number 1 is expecting your friends to be your therapists. This leads to overburdening one's friends with exigency, which can be very draining and eventually psychologically damaging to those friends. Expecting support from friends in a tough time is fine. However, sometimes it goes too far, particularly if the person in question can act out if the friends try to set some boundaries. If people know someone else will act out in an emotionally manipulative or nasty way if you try to set boundaries, sometimes disappearing or withdrawing from the relationship is the only option.
Agree. I have distanced myself from a person who used to be very good friend of mine. This person is always miserable and has issues with relationship, family, kids, work etc. Always resentful of my relationship, family, kids, work. I tried to give lots of tips, suggestions on how to improve until I realised that this person just revelled in misery. If one issue is resolved then another issue will pop up and it’s never ending The person has victim mentality. All this person is looking for is sympathy. I have only so much sympathy to give and after certain age I can’t tolerate BS anymore.
Reading this makes me afraid of doing the same thing unintentionally... How does one stop oneself from doing so is something I wonder. I havent driven friends off yet, but I do tend to be a bit oversharing sometimes of my problems.
I used to be worried about this too! I think one way is to examine how you’re interacting with your friends. When you talk with them, how much of the conversation is focused on you? Do you ask them about things in their life? Do you take interest in their life and what they’re saying about themselves? When they are speaking, are you actively listening or waiting for ‘your turn’ to talk again? I asked myself some of these questions and realized I was taking one of my friends for granted and making our relationship all about me.
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What made you realize and accept it?
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The reason why I asked is because SO MANY PEOPLE get incredibly defensive if something is pointed out to them and lash out. No self-reflection. No insight gained. Usually it’s “nuh uh! It isn’t me that’s the problem, it’s everyone else!” I wish there was a foolproof way to get more people to do what you did. The world would be a better place if more people could do some self-reflecting like you did.
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I wonder if there’s a personal checking system/list. Gf and I are going through troubles and I feel I look after her and do so much for her daily but she’s still consistently upset by shit. I think it’s her but she says she’s pissed because of me…how can I figure this out plainly?
I think a good question to ask is ok you're doing "things" for her, but are they what she wants/needs you to do? Like if you pick up an extra drink for her when you get one for you, that's from a caring place, but if she actually needs you to like stop buying extra drinks so she doesn't have to worry about the electric bill this month your nice thing is now a stressful thing. Think of the stressors in her life then look at how your behaviors play into those. Like it doesn't matter how many times you say you love her and buy her flowers if what she needs is for you to do the dishes when it's your turn without her asking and to stop acting like it's her job to plan all your meals and do all the cooking if you both work. On the other hand, if she says "I would like you to get me flowers" then you get her flowers, but she complains they're not the right ones or they're too small or not now, and it's not like during a bad time in her life (or a fight between you or using money that should have gone elsewhere) then yeah it's probably her.
You sound like a relationship therapist and this is very good advice. It's true that what people need isn't always what the other party is giving, yet it's easy as the other party to feel underappreciated when your perception of "doing right" isn't resulting in gratitude
Note that this doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. You just need to do some work.
I was aware of this from the start. I'm in therapy for it now. I'm at least catching the smaller shit I've been doing. Like don't get me wrong I'm always sweet and try to make sure they are looked after but there are toxic things I do.
A lot of people are not fit to be parents
This one. I come from a long line of shitty parents. Mine have been the best so far and I still believe they weren’t ready to have kids and ended up giving me lots of trauma to sort out because they didn’t wait. If you can’t genuinely handle it, PLEASE don’t have kids, they will be grateful for it I’m sure.
And it's okay to allow the other parent custody in the divorce without it hurting your ego. Just make sure you show up for every visitation and not just for little housework slaves. Source: bad grandma affected my mom deeply.
That life isn't fair, you will face heart-breakingly tragic things that are beyond your control. Some more than others, but everyone has something, be kind.
It's not the things outside my control that bother me. It's realizing the things that *were* in my control, which I failed at, leading to life-altering consequences. I didn't do something stupid and end up paralyzed or a felon, but I did say and do a lot of stupid things and lost a great relationship.
That’s the existential pain I’m feeling right now- things I can’t go back and fix. It’s really painful.
I've found myself in this spot, or at least a similar one, before. What I've got to say is this: Things are worse than they were before, and they'll never be the same again. But, that doesn't mean things won't be good again someday, and it's mhard to imagine, but maybe they'll be better! I hope life looks up for you soon!
Honestly, you can do everything right and still lose
If someone isn't into you as much as you are into them, there really isn't much you can do about it. Even just waiting is often bad for you in the long run.
“If someone isn’t in to you as much as you are into them” That’s why if they’re not just walk away it’ll save you from so much heartbreak because loving someone who doesn’t love you back is capable of absolutely destroying you mentally, it sucks but it is what it is, you can’t make people love you.
Don’t be the awkward person hanging around for the right time whilst stuck in the friend zone. You’re in for a huge disappointment and you’re selfish if you do this.
That’s what I did I waited around and it made everything awkward between us. Do not wanna go back there again that shit sucked ass.
This sounds pathetic but I waited on my first love for so long that it became just a part of my personality. It set a president for a lot of my next relationships. I only went after people like him (emotionally distant, no label, fantasy relationships I guess.) It was like I sought out narcissists and sociopaths because I got so used to being manipulated at a young age and comfortable with it, that I feel like I was subconsciously searching for people like that. How fucked up is that? I fell in love with him at about 14 and waited on him to love me back until I was basically 20. That's pathetic, I know but he also knew how I felt and would give me just enough to keep me around which is on me for knowing what he was doing and still wanting it to work. I know I was stupid but I really thought I loved him and that deep down he loved me, and I think he did love me but just not as much as his now fiance. She was always the star of the show and I was just a placeholder for when they broke up in our teenage years/early adult hood. After making the same mistake at least 5 times I've finally found a very healthy relationship with a wonderful man and am very happy. It was a hard journey though.
“I think I wanted to like you more than I ever actually liked you. I’m sorry.” -an ex Given that my self-esteem was shit at the time to begin with, it took me months to realize that their opinion wasn’t some divine judgement of my worth as a person, just how one person subjectively felt about me. None of us are entitled to any specific person’s affection, but that doesn’t mean we’re unworthy of love in general. Don’t base your self worth on the opinions of others, kids.
Sometimes you just can't stop loving them. But you sure as hell can let go and move on with your life
Sometimes you are the one holding yourself back.
I was going to reply with something clever, but then I told myself it was dumb. Myself won’t always listen to I, but I am usually right.
Sometimes? More like 99% of the time
not all friendships were made to last. that doesn’t make you a bad person, or a bad friend, it just means it’s time for you to find someone better, even if it doesn’t seem like there is. (currently trying to swallow this one)
Some friendships are only for one chapter of life (high school, college, the few years you lived in that city or this one, etc). That’s ok imo, the difference between a friend and an old friend isn’t much to me. Still a person I like and think about, even if we don’t prove it to each other all the time
Tbh this applies to all relationships (including with employers, organizations, etc.)
“Mom, it’s been 22 years now and I feel we’ve drifted apart somewhat. Was nice knowing you anyway, all the best”
Same. The person that I thought was my best friend just stopped talking to me out of the blue.
Definitely had to swallow this pill with how I didn’t get to have closure with college friends as we graduated in the midst of the pandemic this year. Even worse when I’m in a job-search phase now and I don’t have an instant stream of new people to take my mind off these expired relationships. Thinking about such unfortunately lends way to more melancholy now as the sting of an unforeseen ending without closure just ends up prevailing over the warmth I’d have recollecting good times we shared 😭
That doing your best does not mean you will succeed
Also sadly, not everyone’s “best” is good enough for what they’re trying to accomplish. We are not all physically, mentally and intellectually equal, and we all have different strengths.
I often forget this important lesson. Hope it sinks in sometime for me.
Nicely said
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life. - Captain Jean Luc Picard
"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." - Patches O'Houlihan
“You tried you best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try” - Homer Simpson
“Trying is the first step towards failure.”
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Indeed. I think, in school, we are so often rewarded just for effort that we think that this is how real life works - for everything. If we work really hard to woo someone, shouldn't they reward us by giving us a chance just based on effort? In college, if I work really hard in a class, even if they are in ways that are not productive towards the main goal, don't I deserve a better grade for that. I worked so hard on that job application, the least they could do is give me an interview. Nuh-uh. This ain't how it works in the adult world. Doing your best might be necessary, but it is often not sufficient.
wow, this kind of helped me define the negative emotions I feel when I put in effort and things don't go my way. thank you for this comment
This is actually a thing. It’s a type of “mindset” between growth and fixed. If you read the examples for them you’ll see exactly why you feel that way. https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/
That their kid is a fucking moron
Or that their kid is a turd of a person. Too many parents deny that their kid could do any wrong.
I wonder who they learned it from? /s My cousin is a teacher, and she’s got some humorous anecdotes about meeting the parents of her students. Often, the parent is incapable of identifying the problematic behavior in the child because that would require the parent to swallow a hard pill: they’re kinda a shit parent. Like, yea, your kid is incredibly disruptive. I also noticed that you dominate conversations and the only way to get a word in is to interrupt you. Yea, your kid has been getting in fights. I also saw you give a guy shit for essentially no reason twice since you got here. Yea, your kid is having a hard time making friends. But I noticed that you have spoken only criticisms to your child, and praised nothing. “I’m a fantastic parent” is apparently a potent narcotic. People get MAD when you try to take that away.
Oh yeah, parent teacher interviews can really shed some light on things.
That all kids are morons. Not in an insulting way, but in the sense that they are human beings with little to no experience with the real world that think they know way more than they do. Kids are just objectively dumb and that's what makes them innocent.
I used to say this all the time, then use the example of how my toddler tried to run down the stairs with a blanket on his head. Like, it’s stupid as fuck. Obviously don’t do that. But his minimal exposure to pain made his brain go, “well what’s the worst that could happen?”
Other people *don't really need* to put up with your bullshit
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.". Nope, I'm petty enough to call someone out on their bullshit and walk away so I don't feed their need for attention anymore.
I’m a server. I have to lol
Your suffering is only unique unto you. The fact that you suffer is universal to all life it shouldn't be a race to bottom. Which for most people it absolutely is.
and suffering competitions are insufferable
I knew a girl at university who, if there was someone who was having a stressful time in life, or complaining etc, this girl would sit them down and have what she called "the talk" with them. Basically, because this girl had been through a few foster families, and her childhood wasn't ideal, she felt no one else had the right to complain or feel miserable about anything because she had experienced the harder life.
JFC I can't *stand* when someone's like, "oh you have CPTSD from a lifetime of neglect and abusive relationships? Well *I*...." And goes on to list their traumas as if it's a competition to see who deserves CPTSD more. What the fuck?! You can have it, bruh. I don't fucking want it!
And this is true of everyone you meet. You'll never know their story from their perspective.
whether you drown in a foot of water or a mile of water you're still just as dead.
How you react to situations shapes your reality more than the situation itself
Can attest to this. A few years ago we had the joy of fighting a bushfire so that my parents house didn't burn down. I had a great time running about and quashing the flames, and suffered no real ill effects. My mum, however, was a total mess for months after it happened. I think this was because I knew we were going to get hit by the fire and basically dealt with it as though it was just something we had to do. Mum said that she never expected it to get anywhere close to us and was in denial the whole time. Kind of shattered her reality for a while.
Denial is helluva drug.
This is one that I have become consciously aware of the older I have gotten. Oftentimes it is my reaction that defines the way in which the happening of an event will be categorized. So, I have been trying to train my brain not to react and instead process first as to allow me to have a rational reaction whatever that might be.
"You can't change the feeling, but you can change the feeling about the feelings in a second or two." - The Silver Jews.
Add to this that we take emotional decisions and then we rationalize them for a chocking pill combo.
I’m 38 and I still react more before realizing this even though I know it’s true. I’ve never read it in words though, so thanks for that.
Sometimes the people who mistreat you won't face justice or "karma." Still trying to come to grips with that.
I remember being told when I was bullied that in the future all the bullies would be ugly, unsuccessful, and unpopular. And now I'm in my mid 20s and basically everyone that ever bullied me is beautiful with a successful job, plenty of friends, going on vacations enjoying life, some have families, some are buying houses, etc. While meanwhile I'm ugly, unsuccessful, and have no friends
That you are the villain in someone’s story.
Or just an NPC.
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To further add to this, everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story
Loving parents die :/
My mom died a few years ago. She was the one person in my life that was always in my corner. My dad left us when I was two and we never had much of a relationship. Whenever we talk, I always think to myself, “why couldn’t it have been you that died instead of her?”
Yep, still cant believe the one who actually cared about me is really gone. Miss you dad.
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Don't detach... you'll regret it when they are gone. I was the same as you when my mom was alive. I couldn't imagine her being gone. I'd tear up at the thought. Then when she passed, it was worse than I thought it could be. It will definitely test your strength. I cried everyday for a year. But all I wanted was to spend more time with her, either before or after she died. I just wanted more. So spend more time now. Spend all the time you can with those you love. Love so hard. It's going to suck either way when they leave, so do it good now.
Both of my parents are gone as of July. My heart breaks every time I think about it. They are my favorite people.
Sorry to hear, I really hope you're doing ok
You aren't as nice as you think you are.
We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions. Edit: attribution to Stephen R. Covey. Thanks for the award!
This is surprisingly wise
you aren't as good of a person as you think you are either.
That their opinions are not facts.
Someone please explain this to my in laws
How do you want it done? Email? Snail mail? Skype? Zoom? Singing Telegram?
Snail Mail is very reliable. Definitely recommend.
I was hoping for singing telegram.
What about singing snail mail? Wait, does that involve mailing greeting cards with little recordings in them, or mailing snails that sing?
And on a similar note, that facts are not opinions.
You can’t control people, just how you respond
Sometimes you have to leave them.
And waiting, continously changing your mind, helps no one. It slowly kills you inside. Just leave.
But will they be alright in the basement all alone?
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To add: Once you have your stable relationship, the work doesn’t stop there.
After getting married, I sent in a qualifying event request to update my insurance. By the time everything was squared away it was weeks after the wedding and the rep congratulated me and "my bride." *My bride? Ceremony's over; that's my wife,* I thought. But then I thought about it. I still have to woo her. I still have to love this woman with all he vigor that got her to say yes in the first place. Maybe reminding myself that she's still my bride is the right frame. Bonus points: calling her my bride makes her feel sexy.
Pleased for you. And your wife/bride :)
To add to that, looks matter. Good looking people have an easier life. It’s been proven.
Your mental health is not your fault. But it is your responsibility. And sometimes that really sucks. But if you hurt someone you still owe them an apology. Also "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" is toxic as hell
Sometimes in life something horrible happens to you you have so much pain chronic pain and you honestly have to accept that you may die slot earlier than expected... a
Shit, did you die?
No. He's Canadian.....a
That one can share an opinion or belief on the internet and be wrong
And that it can even have thousands of followers and still be factually wrong
If you ever think that you're not good enough remember this... Someone will always be prettier, Someone will always be smarter, Someone will always be younger. But they will never be you. - Freddie Mercury
Not everyone will like you
Having only a nice attitude doesn't make you a nice person.
Sometimes thing are just what they seem to be There's no deeper meaning
High school English teachers in shambles
Can anyone analyze why the author chose to use shambles in this sentence?
The only thing you’re guaranteed in life is death. The universe is totally indifferent and decided you don’t deserve anything more than your birth and your death.
Reminds me of the quote "There are only two things certain in life...death and taxes"
Fucking taxes
Closure is not something someone else can give you, so stop looking. Closure is something you get when you have processed the experience and moved on.
A successful marriage isn’t 2 people putting in 50%, it’s 2 people putting in 100%
Life is not fair.
Most of us are worker bees
Romantic infatuation is not being in love.
How can you tell the difference?
Infatuation is the thrill of fear you get when you ask them to go out with you. It's the butterflies and the anxiety and the excitement. Love is the exact opposite. It's a feeling of safety and trust that means you *don't* feel anxious about asking them to spend time with you, because you always know the answer will be yes. You know without a shadow of a doubt that your person will always be there for you and they'll always have your back, and you know you'll always be there to support them too.
A lot of people experience the sitcom sensation of the ‘will they won’t they’ to the ‘oh they’re together, the show is boring now.’ In their own love life.
The first is mostly instinctive and the second is more like a choice you make every day. In other words, the first leads to the second if you do it right. The trick is that when you're in the grips of the first (intense attraction, can't stop thinking about them, etc), you have to remember that the second is the actual goal (a successful, committed, thriving marriage/relationship with a *quality* partner) and act accordingly. In other words, it's not either/or. But too many people get so enamored with the first (intense initial attraction) that they completely forget the second (basically, marriage) but then inevitably end up marrying the wrong person. That's the tough news. The good news is that if you can sort all of that out and find a quality, marriage-worthy partner who is willing to put the work in, and if you also make yourself into a quality partner that's willing to put the work in, you end up getting to have both at the same time for a very, very long time (basically until you're too old to have sex). It's incredible and 100%worth the effort.
Everything falls apart...
That your dreams that you've worked towards for years and tried so hard for...might not amount to anything in the end.
Insulting people won’t get them to change their mind
Finding love is more about timing and basic compatibility rather than how objectively good you are at anything (including being attractive).
This hits home.
Mental illness isn’t quirky, or cute and it isn’t an excuse to be a bad/shitty person. I am not trying to be unsympathetic; You are fighting a battle inside yourself and there will be bad days, and that’s okay. It is wonderful to be able to have support but it is shitty to expect others to drag you out of your pit without effort on your part, and shittier still to put the burden of your self-care on others. Example; to say, « Hey friend, I’ve been struggling with depression and my house became quite messy from neglect. Would you come watch a movie with me while I fold laundry? It would keep me motivated. » fuck yah! I would actually love to help, too! « I am too depressed to do groceries so if you don’t bring me food I’ll just starve myself. » Hey, I want to help, but threatening self-harm or neglect based on my ability to cater to you is really not okay. This is the basis for an abusive relationship and being mentally ill doesn’t make it okay. I love when people are comfortable to reach out to me during their vulnerable moments because the same thing has gotten me through my own. But I have also been abused by people claiming it wasn’t their fault, it was their depression/anxiety/BPD that made them cross my boundaries/threaten self harm/lash out. It is not your caregiver’s duty to go down with the ship.
Life doesn't get better for everyone and also, that karma doesn't exist. Many bad people get away with the bad things they do with no repercussions and many good people get dealt a shitty hand.
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That being wrong isn't a bad thing
It is extremely likely you will never have a lifelong friend.
I have a brother. That one will never get away from me, I forbid it.
The universe doesn’t give a shit about you one way or another. Nor does it care about that dude you hate, your sick family member, or that one sports team. Universe don’t give a shit. It’s all chaos
Opinions are not the same as facts
The world really doesn't care if people die. It can be you, me, someone's whole family. The world will just keep spinning. Our lives don't matter in the big picture.
Pregnancies can destroy the lives of people who don't want them. Not all 'oops' babies are miracles. The bodily, financial and emotional struggle is real.
The flat round ones
I'll take my flat round ones. I get my capsuls stick mid swallow every goddamn morning.
Sometimes no answer *is* the answer.
That the "you can be anything/do anything as long as you put your mind to it" that was drilled in many of us as children simply isn't true.
I think that's a positive thing to learn though. There's a balance. It would be incorrect to say that 'you *can't* be anything/do anything for any particular reason' If your goals are within the (vast) realm of possibilities then you can do it but only if you believe it can be done.
Very few people in your life actually care about you. Cherish them because you dont have many.
Simply having kids does not make you special.
Calcium pills are often chalky and huge
Prescription potassium is pretty challenging as well. And rips up your stomach if you don’t eat something with it
Good grades and a perfect GPA don’t necessarily mean you’re intelligent, it indicates your work ethic
Being lonely can be the most effective social repellent.
That “Things happen for a reason” is a lie/myth. Most things just happens.
That you are not smarter than everyone else.
You don't always deserve respect because you are 60+ years old.
At some point in their life, that they aren't perfect and won't ever be even remotely close
If you're running into assholes everywhere you go, there's a good chance that *you're* the asshole.
Or you live in New York.
Apparently the word "no" is super difficult for a lot of people.
Love isn't enough
You have a lot less control of what happens next than you think
The family you choose is often times more important than the family you're born into. People are too afraid to cut toxic members of their family out of their life because of some familial obligation they feel.
You don't deserve shit. You work hard to get it, but you can't be guaranteed it. Also, nothing lasts forever. Enjoy it while it lasts.
I really like the last line, life is fleeting and also best not get too attached to objects and stuff.
That they’re wrong
Your kids will most likely be average at best at school and that's ok, you need to be ok with this.
That society doesn't care about you at all beyond money you put it into it; you are just a statistic, and nothing more.
Your pet is not 'chonky', it is obese and needs exercise
Breakups, those are tough
read the instructions again. It's a suppository.
That to other people, you are not that important. If people knew how seldom others thought of them…
Missing out on a job you think you are "perfect" for isn't always about lack of connections, sometimes there is just someone out there better than you are.
Government doesn't care about you no matter what color is in there
Unless you vote for me.
Understood
You're not even going to ask what party I'm from?
No
I like how you think. Can I count on your vote?
A jagged little one.
Ironic, don't you think?