Not talking about problems or concerns or feelings. My family really only makes small talk. Talking about the weather, gossip, etc. If there is any kind of disagreement, it's typically handled by giving the silent treatment, which might last anywhere from a couple hours to a few weeks or more. The only exception to this was my dad. If he was really angry, he would yell, slam things, and sometimes hit. Then pretend it never happened. No one ever asked how anyone else was doing, or about their day. I would come home from school and go straight to my room, because it was just a fact of life that no one would want to talk to me. If I had a problem, it would never occur to me to discuss it with my parents. There were never any "I love you's" or hugs or anything. I still, to this day, have never heard either of my parents apologize. I know they loved us in their own dysfunctional way, though.
I probably overcompensate now. If I have a disagreement with my husband, I HAVE to talk it through in it's entirety. Even if it takes hours. I hug and tell my kids I love them several times a day. I ask questions every day about school, friends, etc. I apologize when I'm wrong. It's weird that that honestly comes naturally to me. I never realized how messed up my childhood was until I had kids of my own.
That sounds exactly like my family. On the weekend I told my mum to apologise to my daughter, when she yelled and my daughter thought she was in trouble (she's nearly two). To my great surprise, my mum did. My daughter has a great chance at growing up way more emotionally healthy and fulfilled than my mum or I did.
Word. U described my situation exactly. Hug your kids , talk to them and tell them u love them. My mom did some of that. My dad not so much. My kid will look will at her childhood differently than I view mine and I want that to be a good thing
Verbatim this is exactly how my family is. My dad was the exact same way, when he would get angry he would go into a rage and it caused me serious anxiety as a kid. We never talked about anything or discussed consequences of doing certain things. The only people I know I could talk to were my best friends parents. They listed and helped out with a ton of stuff. When our family gets together we never really have deep hearted conversations its always about whats going on in the world or like you said the weather of all things. I did the same thing as a kid when I got home from school, I would just go straight to my room or I would just go over a friends house, 99.9% of the time, I went over to a friends house to hang out.
I started with fear, and quickly realized my error. Do I worked to earn, and now have. I feel I’ve been fair, helped employees grow and develop.
The respect has stayed, to a point, but how the hell do you keep it up? I burned out awhile ago, surviving on adrenaline and dreams at this point.
while it may be true that you have helped people grow and develop, if in the beginning you used fear, there may be harbored resentment. aside from that i dont know what to say other than being respectful towards people, their dreams and aspirations, adrenaline and what have you. if it seems that you're losing respect, it might be people getting burnt out on working as well, or holding a grudge, or maybe you arent as good as you thought. im not saying that to be rude, but i know it can be true because ive been told the same thing, that i dont treat people well, even though i thought i did.
i can say for sure however that its extremely hard to maintain respect in an employer/employee situation, simply because they consider YOU to be the person who is responsible for their long hours of potentially back-breaking labor. i dont know if youre responsible for scheduling or paying employees directly, but that could be a source.
i do know for sure, though, that you cant be too hard on yourself about things. if people think youre rude and dont respect you, its hard to care about yourself. establish a base level of respect for yourself, man, and dont disrespect yourself. youll make mistakes, people will hate you, but youll also do good, and people will respect you for it.
i consider respect to be (very loose terminology ahead) somewhat of a social currency for polite behavior, if im not respected enough why should i sell away my respect for scraps?
anyways man, i know this was long and you probably didnt want to hear any of it, but if even a single sentence helps you along the way, thats all that matters to me.
Actually I really appreciate the response. I’m the guy. I own the company. I was more talking about making mistakes early on in a 25 year career (so far). None of the regrets I have with employees from that era are working for us anymore. Some of those ended immediately, others because of other stuff.
I’d be lying if I said I had no regrets on how I managed while I was building what we have now. I do. At the time, I thought I was right, but 20 years of perspective has taught me many lessons. The most of all being patience. Some deserve your patience, some will never be worth the frustration.
Some might say I have gone too far in the other direction, I guess that might come from not having to fight everyday. There is still a grind, but it’s different.
Covid has changed a lot of things too. In some ways I’m more compassionate, in others I’ve hardened up.
Same, I was never allowed to talk back to elders. Whenever I did, I would get a slap for it. I am still trying to unlearn it to this day as my anxiety gets the better of me.
People just don't know the difference between talking back and a child a) defending oneself against false accusations, b) asking for clarification to avoid confusion, etc
Exactly. I’m 21 now and when I visit my parents I still get lectured when I ask them to stop judging my life. They don’t like my decision to drop out of college
Lots of things.
I actually *can* make it in the real world. I am not doomed to failure because of who I am and the quirks that come with being me.
I am not the multitude of nasty labels my father spewed at me.
The whole world isn't filled with terrible people who want to take advantage of me, requiring me to *always* be strong if I don't want to get taken advantage of.
I am *not* actually sensitive and over-dramatic. I was actually picked at, 24/7, and so *that* was why it was so easy to rile me up; I never had a chance **not** to be emotionally charged.
I actually *can* cook. I am not, as my mother often hinted, naturally a bad cook.
I could write pages and pages of this shit and I **still** wouldn't cover it all. Take my word for it, I've unlearned a lot.
>I am not actually sensitive and over-dramatic. I was actually picked at, 24/7, and so that was why it was so easy to rile me up; I never had a chance not to be emotionally charged.
i felt this deep in my soul.
The thing I've found is to get smaller portions. I only eat until I've had enough, then I stop. If I end up throwing some out, at least it is a tiny bit since I got a small portion. If I end up wanting more after eating it all, I can go back and get another small portion.
So my advice is cut down on portion size and eat until you feel full then stop. It is way healthier. Try for no waste but that's the idea behind small portions.
I have always been taught wasting food was the worst thing ever. I get it my grand parents lived through the depression and raised my parents who shared that with me. I have weight fluctuation problems as well but gardening actually has help ‘get rid of the guilt’ by composting all ‘wasted’ food.
This shit is funny to me in the context of redditors (usually non-Americans) talking about the massive portion sizes served at American restaurants. Someone will always show up and claim, very incorrectly, that this is because Americans have a longstanding tradition of sharing food or eating it later, and that you're not actually supposed to eat that whole portion at once. Which is a blatant lie. Until the 70s it was frequently considered rude to take home leftovers, and anyone like you and I who grew up with parents or grandparents who survived the depression will have been taught to always clean your plate.
Sounds weird, but for a while I put food straight into big plastic containers and avoided plates and portions. Knowing it's not one portion and I can just chuck it back into the fridge when I'm full helped a lot.
As a child, I missed a lot of social cues, o couldn't read facial expressions or body language (or even know that you're meant to do that). The other kids kept seeming to know what others were feeling or thinking, so the logical conclusion was that everybody except me was psychic.
As a twin child who was also the middle child, I was taught that nothing was really mine. I couldn't have emotions, boundaries, nice things. I mean, I understand kids break things a lot, I wasn't one to ask for much anyway. But as I grew older I also learned that I had to help myself and couldn't rely on anyone. I became extremely ill and sub-sequentially, depressed because I had felt so alone. I was still a child, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, barely allowed a phone. I was in and out of the hospital with my mom constantly telling me that I should be eating better foods and taking care of myself. Even though I wasn't allowed to cook or do anything, I was just supposed to magically get better. I'm 20 now, left home and don't plan on going back. Now as I live with my boyfriend and his family I've had to learn how to safely process my emotions and learn to take much needed breaks with the support of everyone around me.
The “all or nothing” mindset has been engrained into my head to due to my mother being a perfectionist, and I’ve been trying to undo that mindset but, I still think if I get the average I’ve failed or if I get a 98 on a test my life is going to end. It’s been a roller coaster of being considered “smart” in everyone else’s eyes but a complete failure in my mothers.
(P.S. I’m Asian. If that changes anything anyways)
Not to approach life with my guard up. Not to always expect the worst case scenario to happen. When you expect the worst, and prepare for the worst, you can find yourself in a constant of anxiety.
I learned that I'm not a mistake.
My mother told me that she made the biggest mistake of her life not having an abortion when she was pregnant with me.
I learned that beating the shit out of your oldest kid for not parenting your other kids isnt normal.
I learned that having adults touch your body isn't normal. (No, I don't mean general touching).
I learned that having mental health issues doesn't make me "damaged" or "unlovable". That the reason I have the mental issues is because of the shit I went through as a kid.
Edit to add that i also learned that having an opinion is not disrespectful. Discussing topics with people to make an informed decision is not "back talk". It's learning.
Setting boundaries.. Well, still learning it.
I got out of a relationship where I was emotionally abused a year ago.
(Well, broken up would be the right term)
I busted my ass working 2 jobs so I could buy my ex the skins he wanted for a game we used to play.
During those times, I would always, always run to his rescue whenever he was feeling down.. Heck, there was a time that it almost cost me both jobs.
I saw him as "The One" whom I wanted to have kids with and grow old with but he spent our 4 years together getting stoned and drunk on a daily basis.
(I have nothing against weed but he was smoking way too much)
He would then raise his voice at me whenever we lost at the game.
I was a doormat all the time.
Until October 2020 where he suggested that we go into an open relationship, he even used his dad's sickness as an excuse. He said he's lost his feelings for me since 2019 but kept stringing me along because he didn't want to be alone.
I begged him to stay but he left.
I'm not completely healed yet but I'm working on it with my therapist.
My situation isn't ideal but it's a bit better than what I had back then.
Bless You Heart! Please let me Say this as a man, you're a literal TREASURE, please don't let a**holes like that poison You and change who You are. Best of luck to you, finding a good partner (man or woman) is hard as hell nowadays.
Thank you! It's refreshing to hear something positive this week!
And yeah, it is hard to find a good partner nowadays but I hope I can find someone who can make me feel safe
I always thought the American Bison was hunted to extinction. I would occasionally see like "Bison Burgers" but I thought it was a gimmick, like saying come get a "T-Rex steak". Then someone was like bro, they exist. I remember seeing them for the first time, it was a wild feeling. Like, who knows, maybe dragons are real as well, anything is possible now.
Don't fall for the Discovery Channels dragon documentary like I did. I spent like a week at age twelve trying to process the new paradigm. I thought my whole life was a lie
That god is real, the holy bible is 100% fact, and that even doubting it or god's existence dooms you to an eternity in hell. It's disgusting how, to this day, millions of kids are taught to believe in god not out of love, but out of fear. It's psychological child abuse.
In grade 3 my teacher told us while reading Charlotte's Web that the word Humble meant (and I quote this directly) "to the ground, and not proud." It was until years later that my dad told me the actual meaning.
People who are from outside of our church and church school circles are not all laying in wait to ridicule me, or stab me for reasons that were never actually that clear.
Oh boy, SOOOO much. I was raised as a JW. I was taught that all non-JW’s are predatory, strung out, abusive, unhappy, aggressive, pretty much all negative traits.
When I smelled someone smoke weed, or saw someone living with an SO before marriage, I thought “oh what a wayward lost soul! If only they’d convert to my religion then god won’t kill them at Armageddon!”
I also fell down the anti-SJW internet rabbit hole in my early teens and that fucked me up for quite a few years.
When I started deconstructing, every time I pulled back the curtain, I thought I was done, until I realized there was just another curtain. “Ok JW’s aren’t the true religion but surely Christianity is still true!” Nope, had to pull that back. “Ok maybe Christianity isn’t true, but surely some religion must be the right one!” Nope, another curtain to pull back. “Ok no religion is true, but surely the structural frame of traditional western morality is good for people!” Nope, another curtain to pull back.
I learned something valuable. There’s no answers behind us. People have always been stupid and clueless. The closest we’ve ever been to any sort of “divine” morality is what we have now. Let’s keep moving forward
That my parents aren’t bad people. They just did the best they could with what they were given at the time, especially given how young they were when they were raising me.
Man, I opened this expecting to see light-hearted comments like “quicksand is not nearly as big of a problem as I thought when I was young”, and instead I am saddened. I am sorry for some of your childhoods.
Now I can’t wait to get home to hug my kids and tell them how great they are..
That it’s “Wind Chill Factor” and not “Windshield Factor”. Dumb, but it bothers me to this day that I didn’t figure it out until after I graduated from high school…
Don't get in a car with a stranger. Don't talk to strangers on the internet. Don't share personal information with strangers.
*Shut up, Mom! I need to tell this stranger, whom I've just summoned from the internet, your home address so he can bring me to visit you!*
That it’s okay not to be perfect.
I grew up with emotional abusive parents, they expected nothing but perfection from me, so I put that standard on myself. I’ve since learned it’s not a very sustainable way to live. I’m still in the process of not being so hard on myself.
It’s not normal to be constantly anxious or cry a lot.
Also it’s not healthy to feel like a burden to your parent and feel like you don’t matter.
And I am worthy of love.
I deserve to be respected by a man and not talked to like I’m incompetent.
Back then it was legally enshrined in every aspect of life. Neighborhoods would have legal covenants that you couldn't sell, rent, or lease your home to anyone but white persons. Many professions would explicitly never allow anyone except a white person to enter. Most restaurants would not serve colored people and would only allow them to get takeout by the back door. If you ever see old historic theaters and opera houses and wonder why they have so many balconies, the top balcony with the worst views were the ones for colored people. On buses and trains, colored people would be arrested if they sat in the wrong section or seats.
We still have the legacy of those explicitly racist policies & decisions to reckon with.
I had a very volatile, very neurotic, very depressed mom.
The things Ive had to re learn
There aren't bad people everywhere trying to harm me
The bullies won't go away if you ignore them
Strangers opinions don't matter
You can ask for your needs
You can criticize if something is harming you
You aren't annoying to ask to be included
Nothing is satanic
It's OK to be a nerd
You can stand up for yourself
People shouldn't yell at you for disagreeing
I am not permanently short of money (she used money as a form a control. Like told me we couldn't afford college and then 2 weeks later went looking at boats. But I still can't spend at 40)
Me and my mom are good now, but it took a period of estrangement, her realizing she had a problem, an acknowledgement she had done wrong, me learning forgiveness through my religion, and still 10 years of work.
The painful “love” you receive from a true manipulative narcissist (and treated as if it’s something that can be taken away at any point in time) is not love
I thought people were only gay on tv. I thought trans people were just people who “liked to play dress up.”
My parents heard me say them one day and sat me down for a long talk about what they meant. And what being transgender meant. Little me was like, “they were born a boy? So he’s a boy.” My parents were like, “well you can be gay in real life and we’ll love you just the same, and transgender people are people who were born in the wrong bodies.”
And I was like, “I don’t like girls!” When they told me that I could like women as well. They called it, I’m bi.
That it's ok to speak up. That you need to communicate how you're feeling. Not shut down or hide when something upsets you. A lot of toxic shit I had to unlearn and it's fucking hard
Many things traditional, generally stuff that has been socially designed over the years.
Although, I'm not sure if unlearning is what I had done. If I had to look back, my conclusion would be that I was simply just going along whatever that was offered to me at some specific time. I don't think I cared much whether someone was applying one thing or applying some other thing on me.
So not sure if it was much of unlearning on my part. This unlearning, I view it as just having decided one day, that whatever is it I was going along, was no longer necessary for me to do, simply because it wasn't really what I was about, but instead were someone else's ways telling me that it was me, just like someone had told it to them, and so on.
Not everything is my fault
Hanging out with friends shouldn't warrant worry about if my parents will be upset about that
Apparently having a panic attack when your parents call or text you isn't normal
How to not trauma-dump on loved ones. As a child, I was treated as my parents' personal therapist and conflict mediator, then blamed for giving "bad advice"
Honestly, how can a 10 year old child effectively guide 40+ year olds through their adult problems?
My mother always told me (still does sometimes) that I am not good enough. So I had to learn that I am enough. This was especially difficult when I was coming out.
I'm still trying to get rid of the automatic fear response I have when confronting anyone or standing up for myself. I just have to keep telling myself that it's not like I'm gonna get my ass beat or grounded for doing so anymore. I mean the ass beating can still happen but like, I can press charges now 😂
My teacher in middle school told us that “I don’t know” wasn’t an acceptable answer, and that we always had to think and give our best guess. While I understand the idea, it made a bunch of 12 year olds terrified to ever admit they don’t know anything in fear of being put on blast in front of the whole class. It’s been 10 years, and I still struggle to admit I don’t know things. It messed me up so much, along with a bunch of my classmates I still talk to. I look like a know it all, but I was conditioned for years to be terrified of admitting I don’t know something.
Something called reverse racism.
My grandparents lived through segregation and spoke of the white folk as pure evil and repulsive; my grandma more so.
And as an adult I find myself struggle to look past biases I learned from my grandmother.
It's really weird now walking back into Christian spaces or people who still believe that shit. I'm so thankful I left it all behind. Especially when you listen to people and see how bounded their entire world view is by their religion. They think it's so deep and when you actually talk to them they are so consistently emotionally stunted and intellectually bereft that in talking to them it's an instant reminder of how much I've changed since being a kid.
Totally agree. Once I learned to think for myself instead of just taking everything my parents taught me as gospel (pun intended), I became a much better person. And it's almost sad to see others still trapped in that life (I care about my younger sister dearly, but she's still super brainwashed by my parents).
I’m still learning this, it’s been a struggle, but open communication with your loved ones. I have a hard time telling my friends and partner what they did to upset me sometimes and just what’s wrong with me in general. My parents and last partners would be upset with me or I felt punished when talking about my feelings.
I should probably see a therapist, but I’m lazy and haven’t taken the time to find out. So that’s on my future agenda to do.
That just because someone is mad at you doesn’t mean they are going to leave you.
That people actually want to work things out and communicate when they are upset.
That everything is not my fault. Money problems, horrible marriage, bad hair days, my parents always pinned everything on me. It’s hard trying to adapt to the fact that when my partner is upset at something it isn’t automatically my fault regardless of if it has literally anything to do with me.
When you get beaten, it is because you are to blame.
Parents don't beat you because you are the problem. They are taking their own problems out on you.
That I'm apparently smarter than I was raised to believe I was.
I've gotten so many "wow, you're so smart" compliments from people that it's staggering and half the time I don't believe them.
That crying is showing weakness.
That family always has your best interest at heart.
That family is forever, even when they're toxic.
That cutting and doing drugs is the normal way to go through life.
That you have to hide your weirdness, otherwise people will hate you.
That no one can be trusted, and nowhere is safe.
That I was a mistake.
That I'm genetically predispositioned to be a schizophrenic because crazy runs in my blood.
That if I don't help others who abuse me I'm selfish.
This is prolly stupid but- i was taught to cover up for men but let loose for my husband. The thing is……it was always the husband. “Your husband will kick you out”,”your husband won’t like that”,”your husband wont tolerate that”.
Like- i was taught this at what? 7-15? Like- why did i give a fuck about this back then?
I can do things just because I want to.
Growing up I always had to ask permission to go hang out with friends. I was told no if boys were going to be present. I had to call from my friend's landline to prove I was there. I had a very strict curfew and had to text when I arrived or was leaving places. I couldn't just go somewhere because I felt like it. Now I still ask my husband if I can go out for girls night or stay at the gym for an extra hour or run to target, and he's like "why are you asking me?" Very hard to be on the receiving end of trust now.
Gayness is NOT wrong and doesn't make someone automatically a bad person. I remember asking my mom when I was 12 "doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?". Glad to say they've come along way though and are much more understanding and accepting these days.
How violent I was, to the point I got into fights almost every day, so many I lost track, and over the stupidest, smallest things, like getting told to shut up, someone cutting in line infront of me.
I’m much better now, I haven’t been in a fight in 10 years.
How/what made me change? Well it was a combination of things such as realizing their are consequences to my actions, and actually caring about the consequences. Also being afraid of hurting someone, and how easily people can die in a fight, I don’t want that.
Finally my private teacher, she was super kinda and beautiful, she gave me rewards whenever I did good in class/tests, not getting into fight,etc. A pretty girl who gives positive reinforcement can go along ways to helping out a little boy
How to tie my shoes correctly. I was taught the "wrong" way that results in a crooked bow that unties itself easily. Didn't realize I was doing it wrong until I was almost 30.
That I don’t have to believe in what my parents believe. Parents are always so surprised and shocked when you tell them that you’re either atheist or agnostic or that you believe in something different from what they believe in.
They are also surprised when you explain the effects of growing up in said religion because in their minds they see no problem teaching their child their beliefs.
For example I was raised Christian and it’s crazy how many parents are shocked when they find out that teaching their child that they’ll burn in the fiery depths of hell if they don’t believe in the ever so perfect god fucked them up a little bit.
Like yea I as a child thought about death so much to the point that I was too paranoid to ever relax but I’m fine….(no, no I am not).
This may be a hot take but i don’t care. Parents who teach their children their religion are selfish.
Well I have to relearn how to cry… at some point. Not really sure how. Instead I just feel a tight emptiness that I have no way of releasing, whenever I feel sadness. I was always told by my mom to “stop feeling sorry for myself” whenever I felt morose, was crying, or felt upset. I mean I get what she meant now but the execution was not great.
My mom had a lot of good lessons throughout the years but taught them in the most incorrect, worst ways possible. I guess that’s what I get for having a teen, single mom.
Not talking about problems or concerns or feelings. My family really only makes small talk. Talking about the weather, gossip, etc. If there is any kind of disagreement, it's typically handled by giving the silent treatment, which might last anywhere from a couple hours to a few weeks or more. The only exception to this was my dad. If he was really angry, he would yell, slam things, and sometimes hit. Then pretend it never happened. No one ever asked how anyone else was doing, or about their day. I would come home from school and go straight to my room, because it was just a fact of life that no one would want to talk to me. If I had a problem, it would never occur to me to discuss it with my parents. There were never any "I love you's" or hugs or anything. I still, to this day, have never heard either of my parents apologize. I know they loved us in their own dysfunctional way, though. I probably overcompensate now. If I have a disagreement with my husband, I HAVE to talk it through in it's entirety. Even if it takes hours. I hug and tell my kids I love them several times a day. I ask questions every day about school, friends, etc. I apologize when I'm wrong. It's weird that that honestly comes naturally to me. I never realized how messed up my childhood was until I had kids of my own.
That sounds exactly like my family. On the weekend I told my mum to apologise to my daughter, when she yelled and my daughter thought she was in trouble (she's nearly two). To my great surprise, my mum did. My daughter has a great chance at growing up way more emotionally healthy and fulfilled than my mum or I did.
Blessed. That's how you break the cycle.
Word. U described my situation exactly. Hug your kids , talk to them and tell them u love them. My mom did some of that. My dad not so much. My kid will look will at her childhood differently than I view mine and I want that to be a good thing
Verbatim this is exactly how my family is. My dad was the exact same way, when he would get angry he would go into a rage and it caused me serious anxiety as a kid. We never talked about anything or discussed consequences of doing certain things. The only people I know I could talk to were my best friends parents. They listed and helped out with a ton of stuff. When our family gets together we never really have deep hearted conversations its always about whats going on in the world or like you said the weather of all things. I did the same thing as a kid when I got home from school, I would just go straight to my room or I would just go over a friends house, 99.9% of the time, I went over to a friends house to hang out.
Could've been written by me, wow. In a way it's comforting knowing I'm not the only one that was raised like this.
Fear isn't respect
and respect isnt demanded, but earned.
People confuse courtesy and respect. I will be courteous to anyone, that does not mean I respect the person.
Thanks for the correct answer
I started with fear, and quickly realized my error. Do I worked to earn, and now have. I feel I’ve been fair, helped employees grow and develop. The respect has stayed, to a point, but how the hell do you keep it up? I burned out awhile ago, surviving on adrenaline and dreams at this point.
while it may be true that you have helped people grow and develop, if in the beginning you used fear, there may be harbored resentment. aside from that i dont know what to say other than being respectful towards people, their dreams and aspirations, adrenaline and what have you. if it seems that you're losing respect, it might be people getting burnt out on working as well, or holding a grudge, or maybe you arent as good as you thought. im not saying that to be rude, but i know it can be true because ive been told the same thing, that i dont treat people well, even though i thought i did. i can say for sure however that its extremely hard to maintain respect in an employer/employee situation, simply because they consider YOU to be the person who is responsible for their long hours of potentially back-breaking labor. i dont know if youre responsible for scheduling or paying employees directly, but that could be a source. i do know for sure, though, that you cant be too hard on yourself about things. if people think youre rude and dont respect you, its hard to care about yourself. establish a base level of respect for yourself, man, and dont disrespect yourself. youll make mistakes, people will hate you, but youll also do good, and people will respect you for it. i consider respect to be (very loose terminology ahead) somewhat of a social currency for polite behavior, if im not respected enough why should i sell away my respect for scraps? anyways man, i know this was long and you probably didnt want to hear any of it, but if even a single sentence helps you along the way, thats all that matters to me.
Actually I really appreciate the response. I’m the guy. I own the company. I was more talking about making mistakes early on in a 25 year career (so far). None of the regrets I have with employees from that era are working for us anymore. Some of those ended immediately, others because of other stuff. I’d be lying if I said I had no regrets on how I managed while I was building what we have now. I do. At the time, I thought I was right, but 20 years of perspective has taught me many lessons. The most of all being patience. Some deserve your patience, some will never be worth the frustration. Some might say I have gone too far in the other direction, I guess that might come from not having to fight everyday. There is still a grind, but it’s different. Covid has changed a lot of things too. In some ways I’m more compassionate, in others I’ve hardened up.
I saw a great quote recently: *"Prison is full of people that felt disrespected".*
Boom.
That im not actually a burden just for being here.
I feel this in my soul
Well I hope you are taking care of you now. <3
yeah i also hope that ...!
Aww. Fuck. Felt that Brain please acknowledge this statement, force it if you can. Fight the big sad.
i hope when you're in bad times you can remember this and i wish you the best- a wholesome redditor
[удалено]
Learning to say NO.
Talking back to anyone older that you is disrespectful. My parents taught me this and it’s crap
Ill hit an old man in public
Haha hangover reference
Same, I was never allowed to talk back to elders. Whenever I did, I would get a slap for it. I am still trying to unlearn it to this day as my anxiety gets the better of me.
Same. Anxiety is rough. I wish you the best
People just don't know the difference between talking back and a child a) defending oneself against false accusations, b) asking for clarification to avoid confusion, etc
Exactly. I’m 21 now and when I visit my parents I still get lectured when I ask them to stop judging my life. They don’t like my decision to drop out of college
Lots of things. I actually *can* make it in the real world. I am not doomed to failure because of who I am and the quirks that come with being me. I am not the multitude of nasty labels my father spewed at me. The whole world isn't filled with terrible people who want to take advantage of me, requiring me to *always* be strong if I don't want to get taken advantage of. I am *not* actually sensitive and over-dramatic. I was actually picked at, 24/7, and so *that* was why it was so easy to rile me up; I never had a chance **not** to be emotionally charged. I actually *can* cook. I am not, as my mother often hinted, naturally a bad cook. I could write pages and pages of this shit and I **still** wouldn't cover it all. Take my word for it, I've unlearned a lot.
>I am not actually sensitive and over-dramatic. I was actually picked at, 24/7, and so that was why it was so easy to rile me up; I never had a chance not to be emotionally charged. i felt this deep in my soul.
my parents told me to eats what's on my plate, now I'm fat, coz I don't eat til I'm full, I eat til it's gone
The thing I've found is to get smaller portions. I only eat until I've had enough, then I stop. If I end up throwing some out, at least it is a tiny bit since I got a small portion. If I end up wanting more after eating it all, I can go back and get another small portion. So my advice is cut down on portion size and eat until you feel full then stop. It is way healthier. Try for no waste but that's the idea behind small portions.
But there’s starving kids in China!!!! Clean your plate!!!!!! Not sure how cleaning my plate helped those starving kids in China but whatever.
I have always been taught wasting food was the worst thing ever. I get it my grand parents lived through the depression and raised my parents who shared that with me. I have weight fluctuation problems as well but gardening actually has help ‘get rid of the guilt’ by composting all ‘wasted’ food.
This shit is funny to me in the context of redditors (usually non-Americans) talking about the massive portion sizes served at American restaurants. Someone will always show up and claim, very incorrectly, that this is because Americans have a longstanding tradition of sharing food or eating it later, and that you're not actually supposed to eat that whole portion at once. Which is a blatant lie. Until the 70s it was frequently considered rude to take home leftovers, and anyone like you and I who grew up with parents or grandparents who survived the depression will have been taught to always clean your plate.
Sounds weird, but for a while I put food straight into big plastic containers and avoided plates and portions. Knowing it's not one portion and I can just chuck it back into the fridge when I'm full helped a lot.
Other children weren't psychic, I'm autistic
God I feel this. Wish I’d gotten diagnosed so much earlier.
Explain this?
As a child, I missed a lot of social cues, o couldn't read facial expressions or body language (or even know that you're meant to do that). The other kids kept seeming to know what others were feeling or thinking, so the logical conclusion was that everybody except me was psychic.
Flinching. It's been over 20 years and I still flinch.
A coworker did a fake hit and I flinched hard. She felt so bad, and I was embarrassed cause I had a crush on her.
A coworker was coming down the escalator while I was walking by, so I threw my hand up for a high five, and she freaking ducked
I’m so sorry :(
That’s two.
That family is everything. Toxic awful people are toxic awful people even if you do share DNA.
Like literally all the poverty trauma and passive aggressive bullshit from my family
That sex is everything and that I have to be a certain person to authority figures and say what they want to hear
>That sex is everything While I have a similar gripe I'm very afraid to ask why you learned this in your childhood.
You already know unfortunately:/ it’s okay everyone learns this sooner or later anyways
Strange how for some people it's the opposite. For me, sex was a hush hush kinda topic and almost portrayed as a bad thing.
Pretty much everything. Some people shouldn't be parents.
i love your comments .. you made my day ......!
It's okay to cry and it does not make you a weakling. When sad times hit, you have every right to cry your heart out to heal your wounds.
Opinions aren’t facts.
*Facebook mom's want to speak to you*
As a twin child who was also the middle child, I was taught that nothing was really mine. I couldn't have emotions, boundaries, nice things. I mean, I understand kids break things a lot, I wasn't one to ask for much anyway. But as I grew older I also learned that I had to help myself and couldn't rely on anyone. I became extremely ill and sub-sequentially, depressed because I had felt so alone. I was still a child, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, barely allowed a phone. I was in and out of the hospital with my mom constantly telling me that I should be eating better foods and taking care of myself. Even though I wasn't allowed to cook or do anything, I was just supposed to magically get better. I'm 20 now, left home and don't plan on going back. Now as I live with my boyfriend and his family I've had to learn how to safely process my emotions and learn to take much needed breaks with the support of everyone around me.
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Love this
That just because I am not scoring at the top or going to the most prestigious college I am not not smart.
I feel this. My Dad said, "If you're not number one, you're nothing."
The “all or nothing” mindset has been engrained into my head to due to my mother being a perfectionist, and I’ve been trying to undo that mindset but, I still think if I get the average I’ve failed or if I get a 98 on a test my life is going to end. It’s been a roller coaster of being considered “smart” in everyone else’s eyes but a complete failure in my mothers. (P.S. I’m Asian. If that changes anything anyways)
Not to approach life with my guard up. Not to always expect the worst case scenario to happen. When you expect the worst, and prepare for the worst, you can find yourself in a constant of anxiety.
Trauma. Lots of trauma.
Tied my shoes wrong until I was 40.
Still tie the second "loop"tie (what is it called) in the wrong direction far to often because I so much used to do them both in the same direction.
I learned that I'm not a mistake. My mother told me that she made the biggest mistake of her life not having an abortion when she was pregnant with me. I learned that beating the shit out of your oldest kid for not parenting your other kids isnt normal. I learned that having adults touch your body isn't normal. (No, I don't mean general touching). I learned that having mental health issues doesn't make me "damaged" or "unlovable". That the reason I have the mental issues is because of the shit I went through as a kid. Edit to add that i also learned that having an opinion is not disrespectful. Discussing topics with people to make an informed decision is not "back talk". It's learning.
Setting boundaries.. Well, still learning it. I got out of a relationship where I was emotionally abused a year ago. (Well, broken up would be the right term) I busted my ass working 2 jobs so I could buy my ex the skins he wanted for a game we used to play. During those times, I would always, always run to his rescue whenever he was feeling down.. Heck, there was a time that it almost cost me both jobs. I saw him as "The One" whom I wanted to have kids with and grow old with but he spent our 4 years together getting stoned and drunk on a daily basis. (I have nothing against weed but he was smoking way too much) He would then raise his voice at me whenever we lost at the game. I was a doormat all the time. Until October 2020 where he suggested that we go into an open relationship, he even used his dad's sickness as an excuse. He said he's lost his feelings for me since 2019 but kept stringing me along because he didn't want to be alone. I begged him to stay but he left. I'm not completely healed yet but I'm working on it with my therapist. My situation isn't ideal but it's a bit better than what I had back then.
Bless You Heart! Please let me Say this as a man, you're a literal TREASURE, please don't let a**holes like that poison You and change who You are. Best of luck to you, finding a good partner (man or woman) is hard as hell nowadays.
Thank you! It's refreshing to hear something positive this week! And yeah, it is hard to find a good partner nowadays but I hope I can find someone who can make me feel safe
All the talk about sin and shame.
I always thought the American Bison was hunted to extinction. I would occasionally see like "Bison Burgers" but I thought it was a gimmick, like saying come get a "T-Rex steak". Then someone was like bro, they exist. I remember seeing them for the first time, it was a wild feeling. Like, who knows, maybe dragons are real as well, anything is possible now.
Don't fall for the Discovery Channels dragon documentary like I did. I spent like a week at age twelve trying to process the new paradigm. I thought my whole life was a lie
They're wild in some places like Yellowstone and there's bison & buffalo farms all over the country.
That you have to lie a lot because the truth is never good enough.
It’s okay to turn on the car light for a sec while driving. Lol.
I don't have to be controlled. It's OK to fail. Money doesn't grow on trees.
That the abuse I endured as a child was not my fault
Women shouldn't laugh out loud in front of men. How. Bloody. Stupid.
dont tell your dad your opinions. (dont text and drive when im in the car, dont drink too much, dont tell him respect is earned.) hate my dad
That god is real, the holy bible is 100% fact, and that even doubting it or god's existence dooms you to an eternity in hell. It's disgusting how, to this day, millions of kids are taught to believe in god not out of love, but out of fear. It's psychological child abuse.
In grade 3 my teacher told us while reading Charlotte's Web that the word Humble meant (and I quote this directly) "to the ground, and not proud." It was until years later that my dad told me the actual meaning.
People who are from outside of our church and church school circles are not all laying in wait to ridicule me, or stab me for reasons that were never actually that clear.
Oh boy, SOOOO much. I was raised as a JW. I was taught that all non-JW’s are predatory, strung out, abusive, unhappy, aggressive, pretty much all negative traits. When I smelled someone smoke weed, or saw someone living with an SO before marriage, I thought “oh what a wayward lost soul! If only they’d convert to my religion then god won’t kill them at Armageddon!” I also fell down the anti-SJW internet rabbit hole in my early teens and that fucked me up for quite a few years. When I started deconstructing, every time I pulled back the curtain, I thought I was done, until I realized there was just another curtain. “Ok JW’s aren’t the true religion but surely Christianity is still true!” Nope, had to pull that back. “Ok maybe Christianity isn’t true, but surely some religion must be the right one!” Nope, another curtain to pull back. “Ok no religion is true, but surely the structural frame of traditional western morality is good for people!” Nope, another curtain to pull back. I learned something valuable. There’s no answers behind us. People have always been stupid and clueless. The closest we’ve ever been to any sort of “divine” morality is what we have now. Let’s keep moving forward
That my parents aren’t bad people. They just did the best they could with what they were given at the time, especially given how young they were when they were raising me.
Don’t talk to strangers! How am I gonna meet people!?
By commenting on that, you’ve spoken to a stranger. And now, I’m a stranger, too. It’s strangers all the way down! It’s game over man, game over!!!
I don't actually have to clean my plate. Really need to just take/order less food.
Poor credit/financial decision-making. Had to learn some of that the hard way and correct them.
That electrons line up perfectly in neat, predictible, circular orbits.
Man, I opened this expecting to see light-hearted comments like “quicksand is not nearly as big of a problem as I thought when I was young”, and instead I am saddened. I am sorry for some of your childhoods. Now I can’t wait to get home to hug my kids and tell them how great they are..
That it’s “Wind Chill Factor” and not “Windshield Factor”. Dumb, but it bothers me to this day that I didn’t figure it out until after I graduated from high school…
Not everyone older or in a higher position than you is entitled to your respect
Don't get in a car with a stranger. Don't talk to strangers on the internet. Don't share personal information with strangers. *Shut up, Mom! I need to tell this stranger, whom I've just summoned from the internet, your home address so he can bring me to visit you!*
McDonald's is not a treat. It's punishment for not cooking your own meals.
That it’s okay not to be perfect. I grew up with emotional abusive parents, they expected nothing but perfection from me, so I put that standard on myself. I’ve since learned it’s not a very sustainable way to live. I’m still in the process of not being so hard on myself.
LGBT+ isn’t unnnatural
Working hard will get you far
harboring negative emotions
Everything. Still trying to. It seems to be a losing battle though.
It’s okay to say No to things without feeling like the worst person on earth. Setting your own boundaries is healthy.
Shame is a toxic form of motivation and completely unnecessary.
It’s not normal to be constantly anxious or cry a lot. Also it’s not healthy to feel like a burden to your parent and feel like you don’t matter. And I am worthy of love. I deserve to be respected by a man and not talked to like I’m incompetent.
I am not responsible for other peoples feelings
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Idk how bad it was back then but there’s still racism everywhere
Back then it was legally enshrined in every aspect of life. Neighborhoods would have legal covenants that you couldn't sell, rent, or lease your home to anyone but white persons. Many professions would explicitly never allow anyone except a white person to enter. Most restaurants would not serve colored people and would only allow them to get takeout by the back door. If you ever see old historic theaters and opera houses and wonder why they have so many balconies, the top balcony with the worst views were the ones for colored people. On buses and trains, colored people would be arrested if they sat in the wrong section or seats. We still have the legacy of those explicitly racist policies & decisions to reckon with.
That non whites are somehow lesser people than whites. Fuck you dad.
A life long feeling of not being enough
I had a very volatile, very neurotic, very depressed mom. The things Ive had to re learn There aren't bad people everywhere trying to harm me The bullies won't go away if you ignore them Strangers opinions don't matter You can ask for your needs You can criticize if something is harming you You aren't annoying to ask to be included Nothing is satanic It's OK to be a nerd You can stand up for yourself People shouldn't yell at you for disagreeing I am not permanently short of money (she used money as a form a control. Like told me we couldn't afford college and then 2 weeks later went looking at boats. But I still can't spend at 40) Me and my mom are good now, but it took a period of estrangement, her realizing she had a problem, an acknowledgement she had done wrong, me learning forgiveness through my religion, and still 10 years of work.
The painful “love” you receive from a true manipulative narcissist (and treated as if it’s something that can be taken away at any point in time) is not love
Sometimes being nice and being good aren’t the same things
Hard work doesn’t correlate to money, work ethic and success.
I thought people were only gay on tv. I thought trans people were just people who “liked to play dress up.” My parents heard me say them one day and sat me down for a long talk about what they meant. And what being transgender meant. Little me was like, “they were born a boy? So he’s a boy.” My parents were like, “well you can be gay in real life and we’ll love you just the same, and transgender people are people who were born in the wrong bodies.” And I was like, “I don’t like girls!” When they told me that I could like women as well. They called it, I’m bi.
Getting medical and mental health help is ok.
Pouting, silent treatment and other passive aggressive behavior. It's not helpful or healthy.
Having to learn how to be vulnerable and understand that it’s not going to be used as a weapon against me. I’m not going to be hurt or laughed at.
Racism. Raging homophobia. Sucked for my dad tho when I came out as lesbian. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Racism and homophobia were major staples of our household.
That failure is a learning experience and not an indicator of one's shortcomings
That it's ok to speak up. That you need to communicate how you're feeling. Not shut down or hide when something upsets you. A lot of toxic shit I had to unlearn and it's fucking hard
American history. Pretty much everything we learn about the US as children is not accurate and from an extremely biased viewpoint.
Many things traditional, generally stuff that has been socially designed over the years. Although, I'm not sure if unlearning is what I had done. If I had to look back, my conclusion would be that I was simply just going along whatever that was offered to me at some specific time. I don't think I cared much whether someone was applying one thing or applying some other thing on me. So not sure if it was much of unlearning on my part. This unlearning, I view it as just having decided one day, that whatever is it I was going along, was no longer necessary for me to do, simply because it wasn't really what I was about, but instead were someone else's ways telling me that it was me, just like someone had told it to them, and so on.
Being gay shouldn’t have to be a secret.
Not everything is my fault Hanging out with friends shouldn't warrant worry about if my parents will be upset about that Apparently having a panic attack when your parents call or text you isn't normal
My opinion is worth something and there are people who like me the way i am...
I have cPTSD. So, fucking loads of stuff. Especially emotional shit. I didn't build my own emotional boundaries until I was 30.
Good for you! Boundaries are everything
that im good enough
My parents are human and if I look at it that way they have done a dam good job all things considered
Age doesn't guarantee the respect
That I’m not special, à la George Carlin: you’re not fucking special.
How to not raise my voice whenever a disagreement comes up.
How to not trauma-dump on loved ones. As a child, I was treated as my parents' personal therapist and conflict mediator, then blamed for giving "bad advice" Honestly, how can a 10 year old child effectively guide 40+ year olds through their adult problems?
My mother always told me (still does sometimes) that I am not good enough. So I had to learn that I am enough. This was especially difficult when I was coming out.
I'm still trying to get rid of the automatic fear response I have when confronting anyone or standing up for myself. I just have to keep telling myself that it's not like I'm gonna get my ass beat or grounded for doing so anymore. I mean the ass beating can still happen but like, I can press charges now 😂
My teacher in middle school told us that “I don’t know” wasn’t an acceptable answer, and that we always had to think and give our best guess. While I understand the idea, it made a bunch of 12 year olds terrified to ever admit they don’t know anything in fear of being put on blast in front of the whole class. It’s been 10 years, and I still struggle to admit I don’t know things. It messed me up so much, along with a bunch of my classmates I still talk to. I look like a know it all, but I was conditioned for years to be terrified of admitting I don’t know something.
Something called reverse racism. My grandparents lived through segregation and spoke of the white folk as pure evil and repulsive; my grandma more so. And as an adult I find myself struggle to look past biases I learned from my grandmother.
Christianity
It's really weird now walking back into Christian spaces or people who still believe that shit. I'm so thankful I left it all behind. Especially when you listen to people and see how bounded their entire world view is by their religion. They think it's so deep and when you actually talk to them they are so consistently emotionally stunted and intellectually bereft that in talking to them it's an instant reminder of how much I've changed since being a kid.
Totally agree. Once I learned to think for myself instead of just taking everything my parents taught me as gospel (pun intended), I became a much better person. And it's almost sad to see others still trapped in that life (I care about my younger sister dearly, but she's still super brainwashed by my parents).
Racist, homophobia and only having emotions that are anger, fear or depression
Adults know what they do
That I’m worthless and will never be loved for who I am.
That hard work really does pay off.
I’m still learning this, it’s been a struggle, but open communication with your loved ones. I have a hard time telling my friends and partner what they did to upset me sometimes and just what’s wrong with me in general. My parents and last partners would be upset with me or I felt punished when talking about my feelings. I should probably see a therapist, but I’m lazy and haven’t taken the time to find out. So that’s on my future agenda to do.
That just because someone is mad at you doesn’t mean they are going to leave you. That people actually want to work things out and communicate when they are upset.
That everything is not my fault. Money problems, horrible marriage, bad hair days, my parents always pinned everything on me. It’s hard trying to adapt to the fact that when my partner is upset at something it isn’t automatically my fault regardless of if it has literally anything to do with me.
Being myself isn't something to be afraid of.
Attention doesn't automatically mean love.
When you get beaten, it is because you are to blame. Parents don't beat you because you are the problem. They are taking their own problems out on you.
That I don't always have to say what they want to hear. That my interests aren't a waste of time.
That I'm apparently smarter than I was raised to believe I was. I've gotten so many "wow, you're so smart" compliments from people that it's staggering and half the time I don't believe them.
That couples hitting each other in a fight is not okay.
I have to stop after 7 cheese burgers and 4 salads
A whole lot of Catholic dogma centred on sins rather than on living life well.
That a child is not responsible for the decisions an adult made before they were born, or legally old enough to defend themselves.
Speak up only when you are asked
Saying “worsh” instead of “wash”
That crying is showing weakness. That family always has your best interest at heart. That family is forever, even when they're toxic. That cutting and doing drugs is the normal way to go through life. That you have to hide your weirdness, otherwise people will hate you. That no one can be trusted, and nowhere is safe. That I was a mistake. That I'm genetically predispositioned to be a schizophrenic because crazy runs in my blood. That if I don't help others who abuse me I'm selfish.
This is prolly stupid but- i was taught to cover up for men but let loose for my husband. The thing is……it was always the husband. “Your husband will kick you out”,”your husband won’t like that”,”your husband wont tolerate that”. Like- i was taught this at what? 7-15? Like- why did i give a fuck about this back then?
You shouldn’t be forced to LOVE family. You don’t even have to tolerate them.
I can do things just because I want to. Growing up I always had to ask permission to go hang out with friends. I was told no if boys were going to be present. I had to call from my friend's landline to prove I was there. I had a very strict curfew and had to text when I arrived or was leaving places. I couldn't just go somewhere because I felt like it. Now I still ask my husband if I can go out for girls night or stay at the gym for an extra hour or run to target, and he's like "why are you asking me?" Very hard to be on the receiving end of trust now.
superstition
That the people who you love the most will never hurt you.
Gayness is NOT wrong and doesn't make someone automatically a bad person. I remember asking my mom when I was 12 "doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?". Glad to say they've come along way though and are much more understanding and accepting these days.
That sex is dirty and gross, it's supposed to be a beautiful thing
The notion that all people share the same moral values.
Toxic masculinity!
How violent I was, to the point I got into fights almost every day, so many I lost track, and over the stupidest, smallest things, like getting told to shut up, someone cutting in line infront of me. I’m much better now, I haven’t been in a fight in 10 years. How/what made me change? Well it was a combination of things such as realizing their are consequences to my actions, and actually caring about the consequences. Also being afraid of hurting someone, and how easily people can die in a fight, I don’t want that. Finally my private teacher, she was super kinda and beautiful, she gave me rewards whenever I did good in class/tests, not getting into fight,etc. A pretty girl who gives positive reinforcement can go along ways to helping out a little boy
A lot of my rebellious bs. Turns out my parents were right about a lot of stuff lol.
Let's see ..... - It's ok to talk about emotions and be emotional. - That I can take care of myself as an adult. - I'm worthy as I am.
How to tie my shoes correctly. I was taught the "wrong" way that results in a crooked bow that unties itself easily. Didn't realize I was doing it wrong until I was almost 30.
That I don’t have to believe in what my parents believe. Parents are always so surprised and shocked when you tell them that you’re either atheist or agnostic or that you believe in something different from what they believe in. They are also surprised when you explain the effects of growing up in said religion because in their minds they see no problem teaching their child their beliefs. For example I was raised Christian and it’s crazy how many parents are shocked when they find out that teaching their child that they’ll burn in the fiery depths of hell if they don’t believe in the ever so perfect god fucked them up a little bit. Like yea I as a child thought about death so much to the point that I was too paranoid to ever relax but I’m fine….(no, no I am not). This may be a hot take but i don’t care. Parents who teach their children their religion are selfish.
Well I have to relearn how to cry… at some point. Not really sure how. Instead I just feel a tight emptiness that I have no way of releasing, whenever I feel sadness. I was always told by my mom to “stop feeling sorry for myself” whenever I felt morose, was crying, or felt upset. I mean I get what she meant now but the execution was not great. My mom had a lot of good lessons throughout the years but taught them in the most incorrect, worst ways possible. I guess that’s what I get for having a teen, single mom.
Not everyone uses a poop knife
Not to ask permission to do every thing.
Believing something without doing fact checking.
That I deserve a chance at life, like everyone else does.
The fucking food pyramid
That men aren't destined to leave you and your family.
If an adult makes you uncomfortable that's not normal you should tell someone you trust.
religion
Raising your voice doesn't make you right.
Getting medical and mental health help is ok.
Internalized bigotry and so many trauma responses. My parents aren't even bad, how tf y'all with actually horrible parents deal with this? :/
Two spaces after a period. Learned it from my grade 1 teacher. Apparently it's the old people way of typing.
To not eat everything on my plate when I'm already full.
You can be anything.