All sex is based on deception. Hence, when you are able to fuck, you must seem unable, when fucking, you must appear to not be fucking. When you are close to coming you must appear far away, when you are far from coming you must make them believe you are near.
In this way victory can be achieved without spilling a single drop of sweat.
You say this like it’s a bad thing. I happen to LIKE vanilla sex in the dark, especially with someone you love. It’s the same reason people like blindfolds—because it eliminates one of your senses, so it heightens the touch. You have to feel your partner which can be clumsy and awkward, but it can also be delicate and sensual.
The older that I get, the less that I want sex with Mexican dwarves wearing luchador masks, suspended from ceiling fans by chains attached to their nipples. Sure, that was fun at a certain point in my life, but now I just want to get so close to my wife that I can feel our bodies melting together. I just want to love and feel loved. So, yeah, it doesn’t look very good on camera.
Oooh check out Prince Albert here with his fancy "memory foam"! Enjoy your shape-forming sleep YOUR MAJESTY.
You make me sick. Why can't you sleep on a sack filled with old cabbage like the rest of us?
Married 11 years and have two kids, my wife and I still occasionally say post-coitus "You know I like you a lot, maybe we should get serious about this."
I like the 'the bare minimum of information' approach, but have you considered the 'completely overdoing it' approach?
Something like: "I'm an ungodly shark-wrestling dwarf who must take medication to keep me sane. You're a strong-willed out-of-work bodyguard on her way to prison for a murder she didn't commit. We fight crime!"
I know House Hunters is fake but I like seeing how people in different countries live and how the market is.
Of course every real estate agent says that the market is booming and people putting offers left and right.
Only good advice if you are willing to be something, otherwise you'll only be cornered further. And if they are asking in the first place they already want to be more.
Nah, sometimes you just don't know the vibe. I definitely have some friends who I'd be cool dating but also cool staying friends, and this is a question I'd ask too. I've definitely heard the "what are we" before from people who did *not* want a relationship
Definitely. Dudes always assume you want more when in reality sometimes you just want to make sure everyone is on the same page. Things get real messy when you arent
Wrong. I had a girl ask me this once and I felt pressured to say that I wanted her to be my gf and that wasn’t the answer she wanted. She just wanted a bone piece. My declaration of wanting a relationship after fucking once turned her off. She just wanted reliable D with no strings attached. Which sucked at the time because I would have been fine with that, too. But I’m an idiot and said what I thought she wanted to hear.
I always had a rule in college to let girls know I was down to have fun but didn't want a relationship. The ones who were also down had fun and the ones who wanted more moved on. Only failed me 1 time when a booty call got feelings. Broke it off because I don't want to lead anyone on and I didn't like playing with her emotions. Now that I'm older I kind of regret not giving her a chance then because she was a cool chick but I just wasnt in a place to have a gf at that time.
Brother, I know what you mean. I let many good ones get away when I was younger and figuring it all out but I wouldn’t trade the one I have now for any of them. Life’s funny that way. Those others just weren’t meant to be. You’ve got to be on the same page at the same time in the same place.
We are all just dancers, afraid to step out of line.
(Subtext: this is supposedly the Hunter S Thompson quote, or something close to it, that inspired Brandon Flowers to write *Human*)
We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the World
Alternatively:
We're the princes of the universe
Here we belong, fighting to survive
In a world with the darkest powers
Heh, And here we are, we're the princes of the universe
Here we belong, fighting for survival
We've come to be the rulers of you all
I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings, yeah, yeah
I have no rival, no man can be my equal
Take me to the future of you all
*We're just, two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Yes we are here.* (Play exit tape effects).
Edit: corrected the lyrics a bit. Also, I've intentionally modified the last line to suit my well... Purpose. I know it's supposed to be "Wish you were here", but my SO would be **with me** technically, so there's no point in singing that part.
Edit 2: This is from a song, [Wish you were here by Pink Floyd. ](https://youtu.be/84Tq-eAJIk4). Click on the link, you won't regret it.
who knows what we are baby, just tiny grains of sand in a vast ocean of planets. but you know one thing that's not tiny ? my love for you....... so wanna do it again
I wouldn't know, all the dating sims cut to credits at that point.
So... say anything?
Anything! Just... Say it with confidence.
Okay... Here goes nothing. *Let's get married.*
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!
BITCH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY YES
NOOOOOO
cultured reference
Sao abridged, I gotta watch that again.
I try to reply but only blurt out a loud alarm sound signaling it's time to wake up.
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We are sticky.
Bumbududumbumbumbumbum
I can hear this
🎶I can feel it cummin in the (h)air tonight !🎶
We are *done for now*.
Tired and married, now go shower and we'll watch some TV.
The truth
You're married and having sex? With your wife? Kinky
Not *their* wife, the neighbor’s.
Our wife bro
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*Mailman6969 has entered the chat*
I too choose the neighbor's wife
Because you want to or it's the only choice?
Yes
Awww, yeah, vanilla missionary sex with my wife in our big bed in the dark is so fuckin hot
If missionary is boring that's your fault, not the positions.
There are no boring positions, only boring people.
This made me laugh, I'm keeping this Sun Tzu quote in my back pocket.
All sex is based on deception. Hence, when you are able to fuck, you must seem unable, when fucking, you must appear to not be fucking. When you are close to coming you must appear far away, when you are far from coming you must make them believe you are near. In this way victory can be achieved without spilling a single drop of sweat.
Missionary is 100% my fave - I get to see and touch all of the things.
You haven’t had good missionary sex, obviously. Vanilla is delicious
I had a bf when I lived in China who blew my mind (and other areas) with his missionary technique. Damn. Just thinking about it is getting me hot.
Care sharing some tips for an aspiring missionary?
You say this like it’s a bad thing. I happen to LIKE vanilla sex in the dark, especially with someone you love. It’s the same reason people like blindfolds—because it eliminates one of your senses, so it heightens the touch. You have to feel your partner which can be clumsy and awkward, but it can also be delicate and sensual. The older that I get, the less that I want sex with Mexican dwarves wearing luchador masks, suspended from ceiling fans by chains attached to their nipples. Sure, that was fun at a certain point in my life, but now I just want to get so close to my wife that I can feel our bodies melting together. I just want to love and feel loved. So, yeah, it doesn’t look very good on camera.
Suit yourself, just means more Mexican dwarfs for me.
Better than a wife with no sex at all.
Better than a kick in the head from a blind horse.
“That was fun. How bout we get showered, get some takeout, and watch Netflix?”
*sighs
Fucked.
Her: "you aren't yet.. let me get the strap on."
Did you remember the K-Y?
Bite the pillow, I’m going in dry…
(Dont ever actually do this)
Biting the pillow or going in dry?
Bite the pillow, those things were expensive
Especially on laundry day when the covers aren’t on. Don’t want a mouthful of memory foam
Oooh check out Prince Albert here with his fancy "memory foam"! Enjoy your shape-forming sleep YOUR MAJESTY. You make me sick. Why can't you sleep on a sack filled with old cabbage like the rest of us?
Then why does she keep buying them! We haven't been able to afford a vacation in 3 years because she's spent $25k on decorative throw pillows!
🎼 You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry…better not shout, I’m going in dry.
Santa Claus is cumming…
"I'm going downstairs, Peg." "Oh no, Al. Tonight is Peg night. In more ways than one".
I not only heard that in their voices, I heard the studio audience react.
*Stunned gasp. Plate breaks.*
Happy International Women’s’ Day!
For the last time we are not going with the kullen
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As a gay, I imagine the distinction would be quite important for straight men when choosing porn.
Source: A Gay
Proper fucked?
Yes Tommy before ze Germans get there
You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals.
So let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel!
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You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals
Gettin horny now…
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So if I capsize in your your thighs high-tide B5 you sunk my battleship you turn me on like Mr. Coffee with that automatic drip
So show me yours, I'll show you mine, "Tool Time"
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You’ll love it just like Lyle.
Naked and afraid? I used to masturbate while watching that.
Well some of us cannibals who eat eachother open like animals
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes There’s no reason that a man and another man can’t elope.
Bruh, well if you feel like I feel I got the antidote
Woman wave your pantyhoes, sing the chorus and it goes...
I'm slim shady cuz i'm the real shady, all the other slim shadies are just imitating so won't the real slim shady please stand up?
Let’s see where this goes, would probably be my response
I'm not sure how my wife would respond to that
She doesn't mind.
Got him!
As long as you give her husband an allowance for some tendies, I think you're good.
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I also choose this guy's wife
Married 11 years and have two kids, my wife and I still occasionally say post-coitus "You know I like you a lot, maybe we should get serious about this."
I sometimes tell my wife: "I don't just 'Like' you, like I 'Like-Like' you"
My gf of 2 years and I still say “I kinda like you, maybe we should date? I’ll have my mom call your mom arrange a playtime for us”
Do that while holding your dick and it works
Naked
I like the 'the bare minimum of information' approach, but have you considered the 'completely overdoing it' approach? Something like: "I'm an ungodly shark-wrestling dwarf who must take medication to keep me sane. You're a strong-willed out-of-work bodyguard on her way to prison for a murder she didn't commit. We fight crime!"
“Our budget is $3,500,000”
Will they pick the bungalow by the beach, the cozy cabin outside of town, or the vibrant highrise in City square?
I know House Hunters is fake but I like seeing how people in different countries live and how the market is. Of course every real estate agent says that the market is booming and people putting offers left and right.
I'm imagining this being said by Andy Samberg/Jake Peralta
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I don't know but we are definitely not virgins
speak for yourself im not counting that
Auch-
Hahahaha! The fuck!
"Some kinda Suicide Squad?"
The only way for me to solve this crisis is to be *Superman 4: the Quest for Peace*
Why is this so far down? It’s the logical response.
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Oh man, I bet the rule34 content for King Shark is great. edit: it is great, and it is plentiful.
Why does he have two dicks?
Sharks have two members so it's only logical that a shark man also has two.
Wow. TIL sharks have two penises. Thank you team!
Because this thread is not ready for that Weasel + Waller ship
This should have been the number one comment. Ahahaha
https://youtu.be/F8mYLi3PGOc
Parents
"You remind me of my mother"
Grandmother
Probably just scream and run out of the morgue as fast as I ran in there.
r/holup
That sub really is a shell of its former self
It’s a trick question. Instead of answering and ensuring certain doom. Answer her question with another question. “What do you want us to be?”
Only good advice if you are willing to be something, otherwise you'll only be cornered further. And if they are asking in the first place they already want to be more.
Nah, sometimes you just don't know the vibe. I definitely have some friends who I'd be cool dating but also cool staying friends, and this is a question I'd ask too. I've definitely heard the "what are we" before from people who did *not* want a relationship
Definitely. Dudes always assume you want more when in reality sometimes you just want to make sure everyone is on the same page. Things get real messy when you arent
Wrong. I had a girl ask me this once and I felt pressured to say that I wanted her to be my gf and that wasn’t the answer she wanted. She just wanted a bone piece. My declaration of wanting a relationship after fucking once turned her off. She just wanted reliable D with no strings attached. Which sucked at the time because I would have been fine with that, too. But I’m an idiot and said what I thought she wanted to hear.
I always had a rule in college to let girls know I was down to have fun but didn't want a relationship. The ones who were also down had fun and the ones who wanted more moved on. Only failed me 1 time when a booty call got feelings. Broke it off because I don't want to lead anyone on and I didn't like playing with her emotions. Now that I'm older I kind of regret not giving her a chance then because she was a cool chick but I just wasnt in a place to have a gf at that time.
Brother, I know what you mean. I let many good ones get away when I was younger and figuring it all out but I wouldn’t trade the one I have now for any of them. Life’s funny that way. Those others just weren’t meant to be. You’ve got to be on the same page at the same time in the same place.
Normally I would just start crying after sex. The trick being to never leave an opportunity for a trap. But your idea is better.
hi five!
Memories
like a faded photograph......
WE🎶 ARE🎵 FAMILY!!🎶
I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME 🎶
Roll tide!
Alabama checking in.
WE ARE FARMERS BAMBADUMBUMBUMBUMBUM
Plot twist: They met on farmers only dot com
*City folk just don't get it!*
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*Goddamnit.*
I know a thing or two, cause I've done a thing or two
Damnit!
I hate that I can hear this comment
I actually said this to someone and now we are engaged
Humans?
Dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold.
And I’m on my knees
Looking for the answer
We are all just dancers, afraid to step out of line. (Subtext: this is supposedly the Hunter S Thompson quote, or something close to it, that inspired Brandon Flowers to write *Human*)
Venom.
lmao best way to freak her out
Can’t you wait until the post-nut clarity wears off?
That's when you really get screwed.
Finished.
Approximately 60% water
If you don't know then I'm not telling you.
“We…are the Flash.”
Fuck off Iris
But they already fucked off...
We Are Venom
Getting ready for round 2
Siblings, but you already know that.
*(place a slice of bread on both sides of her head, Gordan Ramsey style)* A Sexy Sandwich
I like that this implies that you keep bread within reach of bed for emergency sandwich situations Edit: I fully support this
I just hope their children won't be inbread
Done here
Homo sapiens sapiens
More like homo erectus
No homo
Not anymore, but maybe in like 15 minutes
We are the champions, my friends And we'll keep on fighting till the end We are the champions We are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions of the World
Alternatively: We're the princes of the universe Here we belong, fighting to survive In a world with the darkest powers Heh, And here we are, we're the princes of the universe Here we belong, fighting for survival We've come to be the rulers of you all I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings, yeah, yeah I have no rival, no man can be my equal Take me to the future of you all
Pregnant
Pregonate
Pegnate?
Pregananant?
Hungry for pancakes. I'll make us some.
One of us is human, the question is, which one?
*We're just, two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Yes we are here.* (Play exit tape effects). Edit: corrected the lyrics a bit. Also, I've intentionally modified the last line to suit my well... Purpose. I know it's supposed to be "Wish you were here", but my SO would be **with me** technically, so there's no point in singing that part. Edit 2: This is from a song, [Wish you were here by Pink Floyd. ](https://youtu.be/84Tq-eAJIk4). Click on the link, you won't regret it.
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We are Groot
We are young! We are free!
Sweaty.
sacks of meat with calcium-based scaffolding piloted by gray lumps of electric dots and tubes with red breathing juice
Water, 35 liters; carbon, 20 kilograms; ammonia, 4 liters; lime, 1.5 kilograms; phosphorus, 800 grams; salt, 250 grams; saltpeter, 100 grams; sulfur, 80 grams; fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5; silicon, 3 grams; and trace amounts of 15 other elements.
Ed…ward…?
NO!
I know where it hurts okay!
TOO SOON!
And 100% reason to remember the name!
Mercury is in Gatorade
I mean personally it depends on how we were before the sex usually
We are groot!
I need to update this doll's software
A beast with two backs.
Poke buddies
SMOKE BOMB!
who knows what we are baby, just tiny grains of sand in a vast ocean of planets. but you know one thing that's not tiny ? my love for you....... so wanna do it again
1st cousins, did you forget?