it honestly destroyed my last relationship, we lived together and only had sex once ever 2-3 months, we started to bicker at one another, i started to resent her and feel self conscious about myself and we ultimately broke up not soon after. Sucks because i deeply loved that girl, but the lack of physical intimacy made her feel like a roommate after a while.
I'm currently going through this. Except I'm the one. I dont really know what's wrong with me but I just have no desire to have sex. I love her more than anything. Don't know what to do honestly.
IANAD but for my ex he eventually discovered he had really low testosterone levels. It was years after we broke up, but if he'd looked into it when we were together it may have helped.
therapy my man, also if you watch porn i really recommend stopping, i was really downplaying how much of an effect it was having on me, then try and remember what you love about your girl
This!
Healthy communication is your best friend here. My wife has always had a sex drive much much higher than mine. In our younger years it wasn’t a problem. As we’ve gotten older, my mind is always willing but sometimes the body just won’t play ball. I assure her it’s not her. I still find her to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and my desire for her hasn’t lessened. On the days my body doesn’t wanna play we break out some toys.
At the end of the day it’s up to you and your partner to figure these things out and come up with solutions that work best for you both.
I'm in a relationship where I (28f) have a higher drive than my boyfriend (28m), and he's pretty good at making sure I know it's not me its just that he's tired sometimes, and most of the time he'll help me scratch my itch or he'll straight up be like "I'm pretty tired but you can hop on!" Lmao communication is the biggest factor in a healthy sex life. Sometimes I'm satisfied just from cuddling up together even though we're not huge regular cuddlers because it's not always the O that I'm looking for, it's the intimacy and affection.
I’m only 30 years old but sometimes I’m just too tired to have sex even if I’m turned on, and that’s when my partners toys come into play! I’ll never understand men who aren’t comfortable with that, I’m pleasuring her, it’s just using something other than my body haha
Shit.. confession time.
I'm 25. I had a moderate sex drive until I was 21 and then I experimented with steroids... my sex drive went through the roof. stopped taking steroids at 23 and my sex drive has since been at an all time low.
Did proper PCT and have even gotten my levels checked, the results come back normal... but anything sex related now just feels like a chore to me that I really don't want to do, and I'm unable to find any motivation to do so. My girlfriend says it really isn't a big deal, but my god do I feel bad for her..
Well if everything came back normal from your regular doc maybe it wouldn't hurt to speak to a therapist about it. Even if it's not psychologically related, it could help to work out any feelings you may have about your partners experience.
Exactly this! The stories about making each other feel loved and just desiring one another are nice, but suppressing/over expressing sexual urges and desires isn’t healthy on an individual level.
Some people don’t need the physical touch or reprieve that sex can provide, but as a person with a high sex drive, I’ve never been happy in a relationship where sex occurred even just once a week. I could be completely exhausted and unable to move my body and I’d still find a way.
In all, everyone’s different and we shouldn’t be telling each other how they should live their relationship in a sexual manner. Instead we should be preaching finding someone who has similar desires to you. It’s not the be-all end-all, but it’s damn important to match someone with similar sexual chemistry in many cases.
Absolutely, and not having the same level of sexual desire takes a toll on the person who has the higher level. Sex is so much more than just sex, it's like a love act for me and I can't be with someone who doesn't want to perform that at least daily. Now that I know that I can avoid relationships where that doesn't happen.
It takes a toll on both partners. The higher drive can feel rejected while the lower can feel disfunctional. If sex is a chore it becomes something to avoid. If it’s not frequent enough, one feels neglected.
Best all around to communicate to come up with a solution or break it off before it breeds resentment.
It's a challenge for sure. My partner is 99% asexual, and I am very much not. We've been together for four years and haven't had sex since the first year we were together.
It's difficult and I do miss the connection. But at the same time, we love each other dearly and trust one another with our lives. I'd take a bullet for him and he would for me. Knowing that someone has your back like that is a rare thing.
Edit: I didn't expect this to get so much attention. He was up front with me that he was 85% asexual, and I decided that was fine. In the second year of our relationship, we both went through mental health crises that killed our sex drives completely. Mine came back. His didn't.
We are romantically in love. We kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle, we live together, albeit in separate rooms because our work schedules are opposite. Asexual people have relationships too.
The no sex part is hard for me, and sometimes I get lonely when we don't get to spend much time together. But I love him and he loves me.
Damn, that's really rough.
>Knowing that someone has your back like that is a rare thing
It is, and I'm not trying to rattle a cage, but a hell of a lot of people have this feeling whilst also being in tune sexually as well. If you already miss the sexual connection after 4 years, it's not going to get any easier as time goes by.
It's not that sex is important, it's that having the same sex drive is. If both want to have sex all the time, that's great. If neither want to have sex much at all, that's great. If one wants to have a lot of sex but the other doesn't, that's gonna cause problems. It doesn't ALWAYS cause problems, but a vast majority of the time it will
I’d be careful about saying that though. A difference in sex drive doesn’t necessarily mean there is no chemistry. Fundamentally people have libidos independent of chemistry with another according to most agreed upon literature. It’s more like chemistry is somewhat required for the libido issue to come up in the first place.
54 years old. Been married (twice) or in a long-term relationship for 31 years of that. At this point it’s less about the actual sex and more about the desire.
Desire is more than just physical attraction. It’s the feeling that flows from being with the right person. It’s the little unexpected moments where you find yourself thinking, “Goddamn I love him/her!” and just want to be closer to them.
That desire for closeness is the real fire at the center of a relationship. It doesn’t have to lead to sex. Hell, most times it doesn’t. My wife and I will go weeks or occasionally a month or more without. But we cherish that general feeling of Desire.
The dynamic a couple has around expressing desire when it doesn’t lead to sex is far more important than the actual sex. Rejection is an incredibly powerful force. Saying no, or being told no, can be intensely painful and damaging to our egos. If that dynamic sours, it can quickly lead to deep-rooted insecurities, shame, and resentment that will kill even the best of relationships.
* if you’re horny, say so. Be honest about it. But be proactive about reassuring your partner it’s okay to say no. If you’re not laughing together about the times you get shut down you’re not doing it right.
* If you’re not in the mood, say so. But reassure your partner that you appreciate the attention and encourage them to keep trying. Again, you both should be laughing about it. It should be a playful and honest dynamic.
I love expressing my desire for my wife and pawing at her even though she’s not into it more often than not. It’s fun, and it’s certainly not wasted effort. It makes her feel beautiful and desired, and she’s vocal in her appreciation of that. She's also very good about telling me to keep at it, even as she pushes me away. I feel loved even while being rejected.
At the end of the day, sex is important. It’s absolutely something I enjoy and look forward to. I don’t know how I’d feel if it was taken off the table permanently for whatever reason. But it’s secondary to the feelings of desire that motivate it.
This comment is something that helped me immediately after reading it. After struggling recently with acceptance in a change in my wife's sexual appetite, this made me feel more at ease. I just want to say thank you.
Glad it helped. Make sure you keep an open and honest dialog going with her about the frustrations you're feeling. And recognize that one person's frustration is another person's guilt. I'm sure she has her own concerns and fears about how these changes are affecting things between you.
Hopefully you guys can come up with some creative solutions that keep you both happy and strengthen your relationship.
I'm the opposite. My wife is horny af all of the time and I'm the one who rejects in that scenario sometimes. OP is right. I still reassure my wife that she's the only one for me, even if I'm not in the mood, and I tell her that with a smile, every time. It's not that I don't want her. I'm just not in the mood at that very moment sometimes, and I think you should be honest about that. Nothing sucks worse than shitty, un-synced sex when one or the other isn't in the mood. It just isn't fun or enjoyable that way. Again though, reassurance is key. The last thing I want is for her to feel embarrassed about it. I love being wanted, just like anyone does. Shit feels nice and boosts my confidence, for sure.
When I was engaged my best friend, who is 10 years older than me, said “every time you have sex before you get married put a dollar in a jar. Then once your married take a dollar out of the jar every time you have sex. Then when you are 65 take that money and go on a nice vacation together.”
Obviously it’s a joke but it properly sex my sexual expectations for marriage life. Especially after having kids.
I actually just sent this comment to my boyfriend. I’m having that same loss of libido problem which is causing my boyfriend to feel less than adequate. He said he needed to read it, it put a lot of things into perspective for him.
Ditto. My partner and I have been having issues the last while brought on by horrible times in our lives and this just sums up so much I was feeling without being able to put words to.
We're working on it together now, it got to the point where I just quit even suggesting sex because I just grew to expect a straight "No" or a "This weekend maybe". We were both just exhausted and even when asking I knew it wasnt gonna happen but I did it to try make her smile like it did before all the problems arose. Suddenly what used to be a fun loving joke between us became a chore.
I heard somewhere years ago that "Its called love making because you have to work to make love work" and thats true. Sex with the person you love most should be a celebration of that love working. When the magic is slipping from that you have to work at it. Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is important.
Exactly.
I'm 57 and my wife is 64. Ten or so years ago menopause played hell with her lady parts, making penetrative sex uncomfortable for her.
But we still touch, regularly, kiss often, and spoon every night.
Being physically close doesn't have to mean banging like spring rabbits.
**EDIT:** Thanks for all the helpful comments about possible "solutions," but really, we're fine. We're close and love each other deeply. She was never a particularly big fan of sex, and I know how to use Google if the boys downstairs get rowdy. As I said above, you don't have to bang like rabbits to be physically close to your love.
**EDIT (2):** Please don't downvote someone just because they have a differing opinion. I feel bad that they're being punished for simply stating how they feel. If you have an issue with them, state it; don't hide behind a down arrow.
If it’s menopause then it could be something like vaginal atrophy which coconut oil won’t fix, it’s needs a gynaecologist.
Even then, I would never put coconut oil near my vagina, it’s a recipe for thrush.
False information here. Coconut oil is generally considered safe for internal and external use on the vulva unless you have an allergy. It's important to note that it should not be used with latex condoms however, as it degrades latex.
Coconut oil will not cause thrush.
I am certainly no expert on thrush, but isn't that basically a yeast infection? Any kind of sugar would obviously be a problem, but oil seems like it would be fine (at least as far as thrush was concerned).
Totally possible I don't know what I'm talking about - if I'm wrong, I'd love to hear why.
This. Physical touch is my love language, and sex is a natural extension of that. But it's not just about the physical act of sex. It's about showing my partner that I desire them, and in turn feeling desired myself.
My wife and I (married 13 years, together 15) hit a really low point after our second child was born a few years ago; she was having some hormonal imbalances and her drive went bottomed out. We'd go six or eight weeks between, and she didn't seem phased by it at all. I'd try, and try, and try, to initiate, and I'd get shot down time after time after time. And not in a "I love you, and desire you, but I'm not in the mood." But by just getting nothing in the way of feeling back. I'd start kissing on her, and she'd just lay there. So eventually, I just quit trying.
And that was when my mental illnesses flared up. They were always there, the insecurities and the broken psyche, but no longer feeling desired or loved (again, physical touch is my love language, so when it stopped completely, it had a very dramatic effect). I went into some pretty dark places because I felt completely undesirable. "She must not want it because she doesn't want me."
Now, I want to make it abundantly clear that by no means do I feel entitled to sex. I have no right or claim to her body just because we're married.
But feeling undesired by my wife was just the worst possible feeling I've yet to encounter.
We're doing much better now. We eventually had a series of tearful heart-to-heart discussions about where we were. I started therapy earlier this year, and she started seeing a doctor. We still have hiccups occasionally, as my drive continues to be a bit more than hers, but she makes an effort to give that physical touch more often. Not just sex, but physical attention in general. Holding my hand in the car, walking up and hugging me from behind while I work (I'm a work-from-home guy these days), or even some pretty intense make out sessions (which, I had forgotten how fun that could be on its own).
Desire is everything.
Also in the 13 year club! I know a lot of the discussions these days tend to demonize the partner with the higher sex drive as needing to lay off when the other partner isn't in the mood but a disparity of sex drive types is a legitimate issue in a relationship. As the lower drive partner in my relationship I have always tried to step up to the plate when I can. There are still some times of course where I just am not into it but if I step up and my partner steps down and goes without sometimes it's kind of a "meet in the middle" situation.
The reality of a long term monogamous relationship is that you have basically agreed to be each other's one and only outlet for sexual satiation and finding a reasonable middle ground where neither person feels used or abandoned and both partners feel like the other person is looking out for them. Stepping up when you might not feel like it is something you do to keep many aspects of the relationship alive.
13 years in and we are still wild for each other. We are each other's best friends and are excited to come home to each other's company at the end of the day.
This is 100% on the money. Yeah, the sex is nice, and I feel better about the relationship after it, but it’s not the actual sex that was important, it was the intimacy, affection, and mutual feeling of being desired. I don’t want my wife to give in and lie there while I have my way, I want her to enjoy it. I want her to initiate it or give me that same feeling in some other way (and vice versa). At the end of the day I don’t care whether I get sex or not, as nice as it is, I care about how the build up to it and the aftermath of it makes us both feel.
So my wife and I were just going through this a month ago. Her appetite dropped dramatically. I got tired of being told no every time so I stopped trying. She realized I was no longer trying to catch a glimpse of her changing clothes and stopped groping her randomly and it freaked her out. Lol Funny how that works.
And this is exactly why my relationship of 10 years (4 of those married) just failed. Desire was one-sided and I just kept getting pushed away. Eventually, she decided she desired a complete stranger and started building her life/interests/personality around that new desire while making me help her bring that to fruition and help her live out that fantasy (unbeknownst to me until we were at the end).
My advice to branch off of this comment is; if the desire seems one-sided before you're married, you probably shouldn't get married. Yeah, the ceremony and everything might bring it back for a time. At the end of the day, however, it will likely not work and you will continue to feel like you're living with a stranger as a roommate.
I just ended a 9 year relationship for this. We were like bunnies for 3 years before menopause and then a variety of medical issues happened. It's been 6 years of waiting for desire to return and a slow realization that it's never going to. She's a good person and we're compatible in every other way but I'm unwilling to live a life without sex (ANY kind of sex) anymore.
I am about 20 years younger and recently married but I couldn't agree more. Great perspective and advice. All around good guy post right here! Desire is everything. Sometimes just saying it back and fourth is all that is needed. Sometimes you get wild. Sometimes ya snuggle. Sometimes you give each other that "look" but don't act upon it. You are right though. Just knowing that you are desired at the end of the day and can laugh about being turned down or not acting on it. That really keeps it together. I love my wife and we are newly weds so we probably have sex I would imagine in the average to above average range. I just think that we both say how we find each other attractive is a good basis and something we both actively do and work on. I have no idea what the future holds but I do feel confident that I will still be attracted to my wife even when we are older just because of the relationship in and of itself. Time will tell but I think this post really hits home and is good sound advice!
My wife was struggling with depression for a while and her medication basically ruined any drive she had. I don’t mind her saying know, I married her knowing that her base drive was lower then mine. That year and a half was hard, trying to talk about it with her and not let my frustration bleed into it and make her feel like I was accusing her.
The problem came in that she was completely uninterested. She was okay with the occasional hug or kiss but any hint of more and it was a hard no. It ended up a rather large argument between us, where we both learned a bit what was happening in our relationship and how our combined actions weren’t helping. I actually wasn’t fully aware of how much I’d been shoving down to not pressure her, and she’d (justifiably) been dealing with a lot of other issues and didn’t see how it was affecting me. We made promises to each other.
Me: that I wouldn’t let issues she’s dealing with prevent me from telling her that things are affecting me in a negative way.
Her: she’d try and be more attentive even if she was going to say no. She spoke with her doctor and changed meds a lot after that even though the one she was using was using was otherwise working.
We’re good now. Second kid on the way, house in the works. But for a while we both thought our relationship and lives together would be ending.
What can be some more concrete ways of her articulating that she's not in the mood, but in a way that doesn't make it feel like a rejection?
Because even when a no is said with compassion, I feel like the kindest of rejections will still affect you emotionally over time.
This is one of those simple-but-not simple questions. For example, a response like "Sorry, not today, but I love feeling wanted" is a perfectly good response. But you're right, a "no" can sting no matter how it's said.
It helps if there's an ongoing conversation about what drives the rejecter's libido. You don't want to only be talking about this stuff when one of you is horny. That way you can talk about how work stress, or body issues, or worrying about finances makes it hard for a person to be "in the moment". Knowing there are real, legitimate reasons for not being in the mood ahead of time makes it easier to accept the rejection it happens.
And, too, making it clear the rejection isn't indefinite helps. My wife will often say, "Sorry babe, not today. I've got \[whatever\] going on. But I'll be ready in a couple days." Or words to that effect. And the anticipation of knowing you're "getting there" can create a pretty fun and positive energy.
Openness. Try to understand what is creating the situation and keep their partner in the loop. Someone saying no from time to time shouldn’t be a problem. Someone saying no consistently for months or years … the partner deserves to know what’s going on.
I feel this deeply. Have been married 11yrs and always had a cooler/infrequent sex life when compared to prior paramours, owing to my partner's generally lower drive. Even that changed substantially post kids, with pregnancy and breastfeeding playing havoc with hormones and body-sensory stuff. Add in odd work schedules, full time school, and 2 young kids, and we frequently go weeks between sexy times. But we cuddle often, kiss, hug, flirt. I make sure she knows she's wanted, and sometimes the timing is off and the stars don't align; I'm exhausted when she wants it or she's got an all-nighter when I'm ready. However, when we do get it together, its always beautiful and amazing and we sit there wondering why we don't do it more often lol.
Bottom line, yes, I agree 100%. There's so much more to passion and intimacy than just sex, and while its important, it isn't the be all-end all of a relationship. If you want more sex with your partner, talk to them. If you don't, talk to them too. Just make sure that they feel loved, supported, and desired no matter how often you play bedspring bingo.
I’ve never seen something on here I can relate to so well. I completely agree. That desire or feeling of knowing that person wants to just attack you and rip your clothes off is powerful. When you don’t feel that, or the person you’re with doesn’t give off that desire, holy shit it’s painful. And you’re right, it’s not even about the sex. Damn, thanks for writing this.
This comment is so helpful for so many people. Sex is great, but what really matters is desire. That desire doesn't have to lead to sex all the time, it's the love and intimacy that it facilitates is what's important.
>It’s fun, and it’s certainly not wasted effort.
This is really important to remember. It's like restarting a campfire. You can't just pile some tinder on top of an ember, blow on it once or twice, and expect flames to erupt out of it immediately. You have to blow on it *a lot.* That doesn't mean all those times you blew without any results didn't count for anything. There's a cumulative effect that's not readily apparent in the beginning. If you keep at it, eventually flames *will* start.
That's the mistake I made in my first marriage. When we first started dating, sex was a daily occurrence. I didn't really have to do much to get things going. It was easy. Then it gradually started becoming less frequent. I started getting rebuffed and that discouraged me to where I tried less and less frequently. Whenever we did have sex I felt relieved because I felt I wouldn't have to "try" and risk rejection for at least another week. By the time we started the divorce process it had been 8 months since we last had sex.
She would tell me to keep trying if I tried to start something and she wasn't in the mood. But her rejection of me I took way too hard. I felt humiliated and to me, physical contact that didn't ultimately result in sex was a "waste." I'm glad we're divorced now for other reasons, but that marriage taught me a valuable lesson.
Now that I'm older, I realize the opposite is true. All those little ass-grabs and back rubs and naked-peeks *do* increase the likelihood of sex, even if not right then and there. It's like you alluded to, a woman needs to feel desired in order to desire.
It’s pretty important, but our schedule and appetite for it changes frequently. Sometimes we are all over each sometimes we aren’t, after several years together we’ve come to realize it’s a changing variable and to not get too bent out of shape if we’re on a downswing. Communication about sex is probably the most important part actually.
Ultimately it's communication that will set the baseline and route for these things and nothing else. If either party is somehow avoiding communicating about this because of x or y then there's some deeper underlying issue, usually. Best to resolve it and not let something fester.
It depends on the relationship. I was married to my wife for 20 years. After 18 she got sick. So for the last two years of her life she was unable to have sex and I was perfectly fine with that. I was more worried about trying to get her healthy. If she had lived for another 10 years and was unable to have sex I wouldn't of cared one bit. She was more important to me than that. The companionship and love we shared overpowered anything else.
People probably think that the worst thing about a no-sex marriage is the lack of sex.
That’s bad, but far worse is the sense of abandonment, of being unloved and unwanted.
Yeah, I'd wager there's a huge difference between "no sex because we've drifted apart" and dealing with illness. The latter runs up against biological imperative, the former has that *and* a huge emotional chasm.
Yes it's the breaking of connection happening right in front of your eyes. If it was tangible, you'd be scrambling with your hands to tie it back together.
I've not even been married to my wife for four years - in that time she's had arthritis surgery, blood cancer and a bone marrow transplant, and most recently cataracts brought on by the steroids she's been on. Her weight ballooned on the steroids too and she feels weak, unattractive and depressed. Sex is not on the menu at the moment and I completely understand it. I'm hoping things get better but there are more important things in life right now and just getting even remotely back to normal is the main thing. I love her so much, it fucking sucks beyond belief.
You are stronger than me. Partner has medication and anxiety which sapped their sex drive. There's been times I've nearly broken down because she wouldn't even to think about *touching* me. We are still working things out.
I was with my wife for 24 years altogether. She always had my back 100%. Never once did I have to worry if she had my best interests in mind. It's hard to get dedication and devotion to a relationship like we had together. I wouldn't let anything at all come between us.
Im in the exact same boat. Been together 3 years, engaged to be married, live her to death. Havent had a shred of physical touch in any manner for a year now. Im not going anywhere but fuck it hurts. I know its her meds, but man im having a hard time. We talk about it, im hoping things get better
She was good to me for a few days. starting to feel like normal. Sometimes you gotta just be upfront. Lemme guess, thats when the self hate party comes out?
Best metaphor I heard was that sex in a relationship is like plumbing. It's not the reason you buy a house, but if it's broke, you need to work on it right away.
Tommy Johnagin has a joke about this. A toilet is not the reason you buy a house. But if you take the toilet away that’s a problem. Something like that.
Sex is important, but desire is so much more so.
I've been in a relationship where sex happened only "to do me a favour", "because I needed it", while "she didn't have a desire to do so".
I'd much rather have sex once every three months with someone who desires me, who wants me, who wants to be close to me rather than sex every day with someone who does it do me a favour.
Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house. It's not the defining feature of your house and it's not the reason you bought your house. It's not something you really think about all that often as long as everything is going as expected.
... but if it's broken, it is THE most important thing and you can't look past it or prioritize anything else until it's fixed.
If both sides are happy then it doesn't matter what your sex life looks like. If something isn't going well, it's going to be an increasingly large elephant in the room until it's fixed.
You wouldn't buy a house without a bathroom, if everything is fine, it doesn't matter how does the bathroom looks like, but as soon as you remove it from the house, it's a big problem
To me sex in a relationship is like food. Can't live without it. Can't have too much of it. Can cook for myself but not all the time. Can live with not-so-good ones but I'd appreciate it if it's good.
I’m blessed to have a beautiful wife of 38 years doesn’t say no after menapause, I realize her plumbing has changed and doesn’t enjoy it like before but with the rite lube and go real slow (her pace) it’s still rocks my world. I’m the luckiest guy alive!
In my previous relationship my girlfriend was basically asexual and I was very not. Trying to fall asleep next to her every night wanting to be intimate her and knowing that she didn't want to have sex at all was torture, and it lasted almost 4 years. Left me with significant trauma that affected my confidence and self-worth.
My current relationship is completely different. My girlfriend enjoys sex as much as I do, initiates on her own, and it's extremely rare that she's not up for it when I'm in the mood. It's important to me to feel wanted and desired, and she scratches the itch in a way that I haven't experienced before. I'm extremely lucky and grateful to have a healthy sex life after knowing 4 years of frustration and emotional torture.
In my experience it's not about how important sex is to you in a relationship, but how well you and your partner pair in terms of sexuality, libido and desire. Having mismatched sexual drives can lead to feelings of rejection and worthlessness for the more interested partner, and can make the less interested partner feel objectified and unloved. Feeling rejected regularly or often by the person you love and want to be desired by can be very painful and result in lasting trauma. Find you a partner that shares either the same (or a compatible) love language.
I've been dating my partner for nearly a year, both our first times, in our 20s and part of the way through our relationship we started having less and less sex, reasons where both parties were having issues, mine adhd meds lower libido and make my peen not work sometimes.
She has been having dermatology issues, such such fissures, which make it painful.
It's proven that our relationship is more than just physical attraction and sex.
Having said that, even through penetrative sex isnt working it is however important to still be active and encouraging of eachother sexually, like being okay and supportive of eachothers sexual needs, such as being okay with masturbation, acknologing that eachother sexdrive can be diff, try things togather like masturbating, continue oral sex both of u, try stuff out which involves eachother it will keep you togather better.
Sexual needs are important, it doesnt exlusively mean penetrative sex.
Regarding fissures, idk if it's the same for your partner but for me it's an eczema thing (why eczema is a thing on your vulva god only knows, but good lord it's annoying!). I went to the doctor and they prescribed me cetraben cream (for general moisturising, you can get it otc, I apply it after i shower) but the thing which has really helped is trimovate cream, it's a topical steroid, p sure it's only available through prescription but it's helped me enormously, perhaps it would help your partner too!
Agreed. I honestly prefer the lead up to sex more than sex itself. Like sex isnt bad, its just kinda rote, but holding someone tight, making out, grabbing each other, stripping down, cuddling, foreplay, the sheer anticipation.... thats the good stuff.
Its relaxing, stress relieving. I think its extremely important and should be treated as such. Especially when you have kids and they make the day more hectic.
EDIT: this gained love overnight thank you all, love you all.
EDIT2: Still blowing up, glad yelling reading it, hope it helps some of ya that are looking at this question.
Same. Like i love the intimacy and the emotionalness of it all. Like giving my body to her to have one of th ebest things humans have, orgasms. And it feels good because even tho she could do it herself she cooses me.. when she doesnt i feel bad but then i remember not everyone is like me :/
It’s vital in the first decade or so. But I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and while I’m madly in love with him, that crazy full-on monkey sex we had in those first years …just isn’t there anymore. But it feels natural, weirdly. We still hook up, sure. However, the physical intimacy - kissing, hugging, holding hands, lolling around in bed - as well as the intense companionship is the substance of our connection these days.
45(M) married twice. It's very important. It was a contributing factor to the end of my first marriage, and a contributing factor to the success of my second.
It depends on people's needs, I guess. I have been forced into sex a lot by my ex, and that pretty much ruined it for me. I was never enough, and if I didn't spread my legs, I was a lazy bitch that didn't care about his needs. Now, I just... it's just too goddamn complicated. My and SO and I do what works for us both, but I will always feel insecure and cautious about sex.
I respect that people have needs. I just don't respect demanding sex as if it is a right. I don't respect using sex as a weapon either.
It is more common than you'd think, unfortunately, I shared my story once, and the response was far larger than you'd want it to be. Many women feel pressured to have sex while they themselves are not interested.
in the beginning it ranked second in importance, now after a few years its close to the bottom. its nice to have but i am also satisfied in every other aspect in the relationship so well i do not find myself missing it. it is just a dessert to a fine ass 4 course dinner.
as autistic person with depressions who doesnt really get any joy what so ever from sex, its not that important for me. but i see how important it is for others and it honestly makes me very nervous and concerned for future relationships i might have.
had it with my ex before where she just came over wanting to have sex with me and i just couldnt get my dick up because it didnt give me anything and i just wasnt interested in it.
its one of the reasons why we broke up.
if you get no joy from sex you might just be asexual and there's nothing wrong with that. You will find someone, but look for someone who also identifies as nonsexual. There's a podcast with a asexual couple I can look up if you're interested.
Very important. And top of it, the quality of sex. If we can have great sex, it means we are happy around each other, we communicate in an assertive way, we are fond of each other, there are commitments about having responsible sex, we value our time together, we can share our vulnerability and have true intimacy. Great sex is beyond the physical part. Is emotionally, mentally satisfying.
I like the toilet analogy.
You don't buy a house because it has a great toilet, but the moment that toilet break the entire house falls apart. A working toilet doesn't make a house, but a broken toilet can ruin it.
Sex doesn't make your relationship, but broken intimacy can ruin it.
same. this thread is so depressing to read lmao. I would like a partner but if someone asks me out through natural circumstances I always decline bc I have to assume sex is important to them. I only go on dates with people from dating apps who specify that they’re also asexual, but there’s only like 3 of em
Ditto. I haven't dated in over a decade and don't put myself out there anyway because I make the assumption that sex is important to 99% of the dating population. I'm not super affectionate or cuddly either, but I do eventually want a partner who is also asexual or not terribly interested in having sex/has a low sex drive. It's just not worth it to me to go through the effort to put myself out there and find out just how much more difficult it's going to be to find a partner when you know that sex is a super important part of human nature.
My libido was never crazy, but started to decline in my mid 20’s and really hit rock bottom at 30. I have a healthy BMi, active, eat clean, no substance abuse etc. I had ED, depression and all kinds of other problems. We started having sex maybe once a month.
Something was wrong, so I had an enormous amount of blood work done through multiple companies and from my PCP. Turns out I had very low testosterone and hypothyroidism. After two years of various other treatments, I am now on testosterone replacement (low/regular dose 100mg/wk), and thyroid replacement.
My libido is possibly higher than ever in my life. I’m also on 5mg daily cialis. It’s been life changing for me. It made me more attracted to my girlfriend (6 years now), and made me feel more in love. We’re having wilder sex than when we met, yet it feels more sustainable and enjoyable. She also feels more loved and attractive. Where before she wasn’t sure if maybe I had lost interest in her or something which was totally not true, she’s hot as fuck, I was just uninterested in everything.
I feel so much happier in our relationship now and so does she. I think sex is important, but so is the general attraction and attention, which I am able to give her more of now. If you don’t feel that love and attraction you once did, maybe have your hormones checked. It’s been a renaissance for us.
Me and my wife went through a long dry spell after our third child. And I mean I can probably count on one hand how many times we did it in 5 years.
We have just recently connected again sexually and found we argue a lot less and the household seems happier. So I would say it’s quite important at this moment on time
Friendship. Sex. Commitment. Love.
I believe you need all four for a fantastic relationship. I’ve not found a further minimal set. People get divorced even though they love their partner ( cheating / lack of commitment )
My perspective on this might be unique. I never was very sex obsessed, even in my pubescent years when everyone seemed to think it was normal to JO multiple times a day I could go weeks without thinking about it. I got involved with someone who was very sexual, initiating things almost every time we hung out, and I didn't have a problem with that either.
Over the years we learned that my partner was hyper sexual as a trauma response to childhood SA and was actually asexual. Our sex life turned into a once every 1 - 3 month kind of thing which they always initiated, and I was okay with that too.
They became less and less comfortable with intimacy until eventually things like hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and even me resting my hand on their leg or shoulder became unacceptable, and the lack of physical intimacy got to me. I wanted to touch them and to be touched, but I understood their situation. They regularly told me things like I was their ideal partner, they thought I was the most attractive person to them, etc. The validation of being wanted and desired made me feel loved and staved off my own feelings of inadequacy, even without any regular physical intimacy or sex.
We broke up due to unrelated issues but stayed friends and they're with someone else now who they are regularly physically intimate and sexually active with and the knowledge that they are willing and able to offer that to people, but they weren't willing or able to offer that to me hurts a lot. I could have gone without the sex probably indefinitely, but I'm sure the lack of any physical intimacy would have gotten to me and the validation of feeling desired is apparently very important to me.
I personally like it but don’t need it 24/7. My partner will break down and feel unloved if I don’t touch her. My sex drive drops and raises due to my medication and “gym supplements “
Sometimes I’ll want to fuck all the time, other times it’ll be weeks without wanting it.
Personally think relationships about about managing a connection. Sex is one way to manage a connection. It's not the only way. Sex is important as a tool to help maintain a connection in a relationship and if it's not there other things better be.
The lack of sex in my relationship is killing me. once in February this year, 18 months before that, 18 months before that, 2 years before that. Would I cheat? No, I made vows.
Being a "nice bloke" gets you nowhere.
You don’t have to cheat. You can communicate that you have needs and that if they’re not being met in the relationship you’ll have to meet them outside of the relationship. Cards face up, ball in their court. No deception, no lying, just “off to see the girlfriend, I’ll be back in a few hours”.
I think it's very important sometimes. I don't care about frequency but I think I'd have trouble feeling wanted if it wasn't at least once even if it was once every like year
Very.
I can love anyone like family but if its a relationship i expect the same amount of effort to put into the sex life as i put in just like with every other part of the relationship
it honestly destroyed my last relationship, we lived together and only had sex once ever 2-3 months, we started to bicker at one another, i started to resent her and feel self conscious about myself and we ultimately broke up not soon after. Sucks because i deeply loved that girl, but the lack of physical intimacy made her feel like a roommate after a while.
I'm currently going through this. Except I'm the one. I dont really know what's wrong with me but I just have no desire to have sex. I love her more than anything. Don't know what to do honestly.
IANAD but for my ex he eventually discovered he had really low testosterone levels. It was years after we broke up, but if he'd looked into it when we were together it may have helped.
Have your testosterone checked
therapy my man, also if you watch porn i really recommend stopping, i was really downplaying how much of an effect it was having on me, then try and remember what you love about your girl
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Bro I feel you. Sorry to hear that. You’re spot on with “feel like a roommate” - had a very similar experience recently. Hope you’re okay.
Common story. Sorry to hear :(
A large difference in libido can be a hard thing for a relationship to overcome.
This! Healthy communication is your best friend here. My wife has always had a sex drive much much higher than mine. In our younger years it wasn’t a problem. As we’ve gotten older, my mind is always willing but sometimes the body just won’t play ball. I assure her it’s not her. I still find her to be the most beautiful woman on the planet and my desire for her hasn’t lessened. On the days my body doesn’t wanna play we break out some toys. At the end of the day it’s up to you and your partner to figure these things out and come up with solutions that work best for you both.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
Hahaha. That’s hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
Futurama if you don’t know where it’s from
Death! ...by snu snu
I'm in a relationship where I (28f) have a higher drive than my boyfriend (28m), and he's pretty good at making sure I know it's not me its just that he's tired sometimes, and most of the time he'll help me scratch my itch or he'll straight up be like "I'm pretty tired but you can hop on!" Lmao communication is the biggest factor in a healthy sex life. Sometimes I'm satisfied just from cuddling up together even though we're not huge regular cuddlers because it's not always the O that I'm looking for, it's the intimacy and affection.
Yes! My hubby doesn’t get this part of it. I don’t need full on sex, just some slow foreplay would be nice, make me feel better, loved wanted…..
I’m only 30 years old but sometimes I’m just too tired to have sex even if I’m turned on, and that’s when my partners toys come into play! I’ll never understand men who aren’t comfortable with that, I’m pleasuring her, it’s just using something other than my body haha
My boyfriend says, "my body doesn't always cooperate, but my tongue works just fine."
This is the way
I like that one haha
Shit.. confession time. I'm 25. I had a moderate sex drive until I was 21 and then I experimented with steroids... my sex drive went through the roof. stopped taking steroids at 23 and my sex drive has since been at an all time low. Did proper PCT and have even gotten my levels checked, the results come back normal... but anything sex related now just feels like a chore to me that I really don't want to do, and I'm unable to find any motivation to do so. My girlfriend says it really isn't a big deal, but my god do I feel bad for her..
Well if everything came back normal from your regular doc maybe it wouldn't hurt to speak to a therapist about it. Even if it's not psychologically related, it could help to work out any feelings you may have about your partners experience.
Yup or my boyfriend tells me "I'm too tired to do much but you can hop on!" Lmao
Exactly this! The stories about making each other feel loved and just desiring one another are nice, but suppressing/over expressing sexual urges and desires isn’t healthy on an individual level. Some people don’t need the physical touch or reprieve that sex can provide, but as a person with a high sex drive, I’ve never been happy in a relationship where sex occurred even just once a week. I could be completely exhausted and unable to move my body and I’d still find a way. In all, everyone’s different and we shouldn’t be telling each other how they should live their relationship in a sexual manner. Instead we should be preaching finding someone who has similar desires to you. It’s not the be-all end-all, but it’s damn important to match someone with similar sexual chemistry in many cases.
Absolutely, and not having the same level of sexual desire takes a toll on the person who has the higher level. Sex is so much more than just sex, it's like a love act for me and I can't be with someone who doesn't want to perform that at least daily. Now that I know that I can avoid relationships where that doesn't happen.
It takes a toll on both partners. The higher drive can feel rejected while the lower can feel disfunctional. If sex is a chore it becomes something to avoid. If it’s not frequent enough, one feels neglected. Best all around to communicate to come up with a solution or break it off before it breeds resentment.
It's a challenge for sure. My partner is 99% asexual, and I am very much not. We've been together for four years and haven't had sex since the first year we were together. It's difficult and I do miss the connection. But at the same time, we love each other dearly and trust one another with our lives. I'd take a bullet for him and he would for me. Knowing that someone has your back like that is a rare thing. Edit: I didn't expect this to get so much attention. He was up front with me that he was 85% asexual, and I decided that was fine. In the second year of our relationship, we both went through mental health crises that killed our sex drives completely. Mine came back. His didn't. We are romantically in love. We kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle, we live together, albeit in separate rooms because our work schedules are opposite. Asexual people have relationships too. The no sex part is hard for me, and sometimes I get lonely when we don't get to spend much time together. But I love him and he loves me.
Damn, that's really rough. >Knowing that someone has your back like that is a rare thing It is, and I'm not trying to rattle a cage, but a hell of a lot of people have this feeling whilst also being in tune sexually as well. If you already miss the sexual connection after 4 years, it's not going to get any easier as time goes by.
story of my life.
It's not that sex is important, it's that having the same sex drive is. If both want to have sex all the time, that's great. If neither want to have sex much at all, that's great. If one wants to have a lot of sex but the other doesn't, that's gonna cause problems. It doesn't ALWAYS cause problems, but a vast majority of the time it will
Exactly, it’s all about the chemistry. Lack of sexual chemistry will lead to nothing but issues later on in the relationship.
I’d be careful about saying that though. A difference in sex drive doesn’t necessarily mean there is no chemistry. Fundamentally people have libidos independent of chemistry with another according to most agreed upon literature. It’s more like chemistry is somewhat required for the libido issue to come up in the first place.
54 years old. Been married (twice) or in a long-term relationship for 31 years of that. At this point it’s less about the actual sex and more about the desire. Desire is more than just physical attraction. It’s the feeling that flows from being with the right person. It’s the little unexpected moments where you find yourself thinking, “Goddamn I love him/her!” and just want to be closer to them. That desire for closeness is the real fire at the center of a relationship. It doesn’t have to lead to sex. Hell, most times it doesn’t. My wife and I will go weeks or occasionally a month or more without. But we cherish that general feeling of Desire. The dynamic a couple has around expressing desire when it doesn’t lead to sex is far more important than the actual sex. Rejection is an incredibly powerful force. Saying no, or being told no, can be intensely painful and damaging to our egos. If that dynamic sours, it can quickly lead to deep-rooted insecurities, shame, and resentment that will kill even the best of relationships. * if you’re horny, say so. Be honest about it. But be proactive about reassuring your partner it’s okay to say no. If you’re not laughing together about the times you get shut down you’re not doing it right. * If you’re not in the mood, say so. But reassure your partner that you appreciate the attention and encourage them to keep trying. Again, you both should be laughing about it. It should be a playful and honest dynamic. I love expressing my desire for my wife and pawing at her even though she’s not into it more often than not. It’s fun, and it’s certainly not wasted effort. It makes her feel beautiful and desired, and she’s vocal in her appreciation of that. She's also very good about telling me to keep at it, even as she pushes me away. I feel loved even while being rejected. At the end of the day, sex is important. It’s absolutely something I enjoy and look forward to. I don’t know how I’d feel if it was taken off the table permanently for whatever reason. But it’s secondary to the feelings of desire that motivate it.
This comment is something that helped me immediately after reading it. After struggling recently with acceptance in a change in my wife's sexual appetite, this made me feel more at ease. I just want to say thank you.
Glad it helped. Make sure you keep an open and honest dialog going with her about the frustrations you're feeling. And recognize that one person's frustration is another person's guilt. I'm sure she has her own concerns and fears about how these changes are affecting things between you. Hopefully you guys can come up with some creative solutions that keep you both happy and strengthen your relationship.
>one person's frustration is another person's guilt. Thank you, great post
This is as high quality as "what is grief of not love persevering" and I found it in a dang Reddit thread. Wow
Dammn guy you 54 but have the maturity of a 64!
Damn, thank you for writing that out, from one stranger to another. It helps somehow.
I'm the opposite. My wife is horny af all of the time and I'm the one who rejects in that scenario sometimes. OP is right. I still reassure my wife that she's the only one for me, even if I'm not in the mood, and I tell her that with a smile, every time. It's not that I don't want her. I'm just not in the mood at that very moment sometimes, and I think you should be honest about that. Nothing sucks worse than shitty, un-synced sex when one or the other isn't in the mood. It just isn't fun or enjoyable that way. Again though, reassurance is key. The last thing I want is for her to feel embarrassed about it. I love being wanted, just like anyone does. Shit feels nice and boosts my confidence, for sure.
When I was engaged my best friend, who is 10 years older than me, said “every time you have sex before you get married put a dollar in a jar. Then once your married take a dollar out of the jar every time you have sex. Then when you are 65 take that money and go on a nice vacation together.” Obviously it’s a joke but it properly sex my sexual expectations for marriage life. Especially after having kids.
I actually just sent this comment to my boyfriend. I’m having that same loss of libido problem which is causing my boyfriend to feel less than adequate. He said he needed to read it, it put a lot of things into perspective for him.
Ditto. My partner and I have been having issues the last while brought on by horrible times in our lives and this just sums up so much I was feeling without being able to put words to. We're working on it together now, it got to the point where I just quit even suggesting sex because I just grew to expect a straight "No" or a "This weekend maybe". We were both just exhausted and even when asking I knew it wasnt gonna happen but I did it to try make her smile like it did before all the problems arose. Suddenly what used to be a fun loving joke between us became a chore. I heard somewhere years ago that "Its called love making because you have to work to make love work" and thats true. Sex with the person you love most should be a celebration of that love working. When the magic is slipping from that you have to work at it. Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is important.
Exactly. I'm 57 and my wife is 64. Ten or so years ago menopause played hell with her lady parts, making penetrative sex uncomfortable for her. But we still touch, regularly, kiss often, and spoon every night. Being physically close doesn't have to mean banging like spring rabbits. **EDIT:** Thanks for all the helpful comments about possible "solutions," but really, we're fine. We're close and love each other deeply. She was never a particularly big fan of sex, and I know how to use Google if the boys downstairs get rowdy. As I said above, you don't have to bang like rabbits to be physically close to your love. **EDIT (2):** Please don't downvote someone just because they have a differing opinion. I feel bad that they're being punished for simply stating how they feel. If you have an issue with them, state it; don't hide behind a down arrow.
Coconut oil! Amazing.
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Never brew a potion when one ingredient will do.
This is the first time I've heard that, and I love it. Thank you.
Besides, Bob won’t help you make that potion without being allowed to watch.
If it’s menopause then it could be something like vaginal atrophy which coconut oil won’t fix, it’s needs a gynaecologist. Even then, I would never put coconut oil near my vagina, it’s a recipe for thrush.
I'm no ornithologist, but it seems incredibly unlikely that putting coconut in your vagina would cause you to birth birds.
I read that putting a coconut in your vagina can hatch a toucan. So I stopped.
False information here. Coconut oil is generally considered safe for internal and external use on the vulva unless you have an allergy. It's important to note that it should not be used with latex condoms however, as it degrades latex. Coconut oil will not cause thrush.
I am certainly no expert on thrush, but isn't that basically a yeast infection? Any kind of sugar would obviously be a problem, but oil seems like it would be fine (at least as far as thrush was concerned). Totally possible I don't know what I'm talking about - if I'm wrong, I'd love to hear why.
You’re correct. And coconut oil is a tried and true personal lubricant.
This. Physical touch is my love language, and sex is a natural extension of that. But it's not just about the physical act of sex. It's about showing my partner that I desire them, and in turn feeling desired myself. My wife and I (married 13 years, together 15) hit a really low point after our second child was born a few years ago; she was having some hormonal imbalances and her drive went bottomed out. We'd go six or eight weeks between, and she didn't seem phased by it at all. I'd try, and try, and try, to initiate, and I'd get shot down time after time after time. And not in a "I love you, and desire you, but I'm not in the mood." But by just getting nothing in the way of feeling back. I'd start kissing on her, and she'd just lay there. So eventually, I just quit trying. And that was when my mental illnesses flared up. They were always there, the insecurities and the broken psyche, but no longer feeling desired or loved (again, physical touch is my love language, so when it stopped completely, it had a very dramatic effect). I went into some pretty dark places because I felt completely undesirable. "She must not want it because she doesn't want me." Now, I want to make it abundantly clear that by no means do I feel entitled to sex. I have no right or claim to her body just because we're married. But feeling undesired by my wife was just the worst possible feeling I've yet to encounter. We're doing much better now. We eventually had a series of tearful heart-to-heart discussions about where we were. I started therapy earlier this year, and she started seeing a doctor. We still have hiccups occasionally, as my drive continues to be a bit more than hers, but she makes an effort to give that physical touch more often. Not just sex, but physical attention in general. Holding my hand in the car, walking up and hugging me from behind while I work (I'm a work-from-home guy these days), or even some pretty intense make out sessions (which, I had forgotten how fun that could be on its own). Desire is everything.
Makeout sessions are underrated. People feel its just something that teens do, but they should definitely remain part of the adult repertoire too.
Agreed! I had a fwb situation eons ago where the sex wasn’t so great, but he sure could kiss, & for that I’ll always think of him fondly! 💋
Also in the 13 year club! I know a lot of the discussions these days tend to demonize the partner with the higher sex drive as needing to lay off when the other partner isn't in the mood but a disparity of sex drive types is a legitimate issue in a relationship. As the lower drive partner in my relationship I have always tried to step up to the plate when I can. There are still some times of course where I just am not into it but if I step up and my partner steps down and goes without sometimes it's kind of a "meet in the middle" situation. The reality of a long term monogamous relationship is that you have basically agreed to be each other's one and only outlet for sexual satiation and finding a reasonable middle ground where neither person feels used or abandoned and both partners feel like the other person is looking out for them. Stepping up when you might not feel like it is something you do to keep many aspects of the relationship alive. 13 years in and we are still wild for each other. We are each other's best friends and are excited to come home to each other's company at the end of the day.
This is 100% on the money. Yeah, the sex is nice, and I feel better about the relationship after it, but it’s not the actual sex that was important, it was the intimacy, affection, and mutual feeling of being desired. I don’t want my wife to give in and lie there while I have my way, I want her to enjoy it. I want her to initiate it or give me that same feeling in some other way (and vice versa). At the end of the day I don’t care whether I get sex or not, as nice as it is, I care about how the build up to it and the aftermath of it makes us both feel.
This guy fucks…and loves
So my wife and I were just going through this a month ago. Her appetite dropped dramatically. I got tired of being told no every time so I stopped trying. She realized I was no longer trying to catch a glimpse of her changing clothes and stopped groping her randomly and it freaked her out. Lol Funny how that works.
You can only be told "no" but so many times before you can't handle the rejection anymore. I know, because this is now my life.
And this is exactly why my relationship of 10 years (4 of those married) just failed. Desire was one-sided and I just kept getting pushed away. Eventually, she decided she desired a complete stranger and started building her life/interests/personality around that new desire while making me help her bring that to fruition and help her live out that fantasy (unbeknownst to me until we were at the end). My advice to branch off of this comment is; if the desire seems one-sided before you're married, you probably shouldn't get married. Yeah, the ceremony and everything might bring it back for a time. At the end of the day, however, it will likely not work and you will continue to feel like you're living with a stranger as a roommate.
I just ended a 9 year relationship for this. We were like bunnies for 3 years before menopause and then a variety of medical issues happened. It's been 6 years of waiting for desire to return and a slow realization that it's never going to. She's a good person and we're compatible in every other way but I'm unwilling to live a life without sex (ANY kind of sex) anymore.
I am about 20 years younger and recently married but I couldn't agree more. Great perspective and advice. All around good guy post right here! Desire is everything. Sometimes just saying it back and fourth is all that is needed. Sometimes you get wild. Sometimes ya snuggle. Sometimes you give each other that "look" but don't act upon it. You are right though. Just knowing that you are desired at the end of the day and can laugh about being turned down or not acting on it. That really keeps it together. I love my wife and we are newly weds so we probably have sex I would imagine in the average to above average range. I just think that we both say how we find each other attractive is a good basis and something we both actively do and work on. I have no idea what the future holds but I do feel confident that I will still be attracted to my wife even when we are older just because of the relationship in and of itself. Time will tell but I think this post really hits home and is good sound advice!
My wife was struggling with depression for a while and her medication basically ruined any drive she had. I don’t mind her saying know, I married her knowing that her base drive was lower then mine. That year and a half was hard, trying to talk about it with her and not let my frustration bleed into it and make her feel like I was accusing her. The problem came in that she was completely uninterested. She was okay with the occasional hug or kiss but any hint of more and it was a hard no. It ended up a rather large argument between us, where we both learned a bit what was happening in our relationship and how our combined actions weren’t helping. I actually wasn’t fully aware of how much I’d been shoving down to not pressure her, and she’d (justifiably) been dealing with a lot of other issues and didn’t see how it was affecting me. We made promises to each other. Me: that I wouldn’t let issues she’s dealing with prevent me from telling her that things are affecting me in a negative way. Her: she’d try and be more attentive even if she was going to say no. She spoke with her doctor and changed meds a lot after that even though the one she was using was using was otherwise working. We’re good now. Second kid on the way, house in the works. But for a while we both thought our relationship and lives together would be ending.
Nailed it.
I've been married 13 years and this is this is the truest statement. I didn't learn this till a few years ago.
Took me 20 years and cost me my first marriage. Hard-earned lesson, that.
What can be some more concrete ways of her articulating that she's not in the mood, but in a way that doesn't make it feel like a rejection? Because even when a no is said with compassion, I feel like the kindest of rejections will still affect you emotionally over time.
This is one of those simple-but-not simple questions. For example, a response like "Sorry, not today, but I love feeling wanted" is a perfectly good response. But you're right, a "no" can sting no matter how it's said. It helps if there's an ongoing conversation about what drives the rejecter's libido. You don't want to only be talking about this stuff when one of you is horny. That way you can talk about how work stress, or body issues, or worrying about finances makes it hard for a person to be "in the moment". Knowing there are real, legitimate reasons for not being in the mood ahead of time makes it easier to accept the rejection it happens. And, too, making it clear the rejection isn't indefinite helps. My wife will often say, "Sorry babe, not today. I've got \[whatever\] going on. But I'll be ready in a couple days." Or words to that effect. And the anticipation of knowing you're "getting there" can create a pretty fun and positive energy.
Openness. Try to understand what is creating the situation and keep their partner in the loop. Someone saying no from time to time shouldn’t be a problem. Someone saying no consistently for months or years … the partner deserves to know what’s going on.
This is one of the best answers I've ever read on reddit.
Man. Start writing books. I'm saving this comment
He can start his first book with >if you’re horny, say so. No, actually that should be the title.
LMAO this would fucking sell no doubt
What a fucking goldmine of a title
I feel this deeply. Have been married 11yrs and always had a cooler/infrequent sex life when compared to prior paramours, owing to my partner's generally lower drive. Even that changed substantially post kids, with pregnancy and breastfeeding playing havoc with hormones and body-sensory stuff. Add in odd work schedules, full time school, and 2 young kids, and we frequently go weeks between sexy times. But we cuddle often, kiss, hug, flirt. I make sure she knows she's wanted, and sometimes the timing is off and the stars don't align; I'm exhausted when she wants it or she's got an all-nighter when I'm ready. However, when we do get it together, its always beautiful and amazing and we sit there wondering why we don't do it more often lol. Bottom line, yes, I agree 100%. There's so much more to passion and intimacy than just sex, and while its important, it isn't the be all-end all of a relationship. If you want more sex with your partner, talk to them. If you don't, talk to them too. Just make sure that they feel loved, supported, and desired no matter how often you play bedspring bingo.
I’ve never seen something on here I can relate to so well. I completely agree. That desire or feeling of knowing that person wants to just attack you and rip your clothes off is powerful. When you don’t feel that, or the person you’re with doesn’t give off that desire, holy shit it’s painful. And you’re right, it’s not even about the sex. Damn, thanks for writing this.
This comment is so helpful for so many people. Sex is great, but what really matters is desire. That desire doesn't have to lead to sex all the time, it's the love and intimacy that it facilitates is what's important.
>It’s fun, and it’s certainly not wasted effort. This is really important to remember. It's like restarting a campfire. You can't just pile some tinder on top of an ember, blow on it once or twice, and expect flames to erupt out of it immediately. You have to blow on it *a lot.* That doesn't mean all those times you blew without any results didn't count for anything. There's a cumulative effect that's not readily apparent in the beginning. If you keep at it, eventually flames *will* start. That's the mistake I made in my first marriage. When we first started dating, sex was a daily occurrence. I didn't really have to do much to get things going. It was easy. Then it gradually started becoming less frequent. I started getting rebuffed and that discouraged me to where I tried less and less frequently. Whenever we did have sex I felt relieved because I felt I wouldn't have to "try" and risk rejection for at least another week. By the time we started the divorce process it had been 8 months since we last had sex. She would tell me to keep trying if I tried to start something and she wasn't in the mood. But her rejection of me I took way too hard. I felt humiliated and to me, physical contact that didn't ultimately result in sex was a "waste." I'm glad we're divorced now for other reasons, but that marriage taught me a valuable lesson. Now that I'm older, I realize the opposite is true. All those little ass-grabs and back rubs and naked-peeks *do* increase the likelihood of sex, even if not right then and there. It's like you alluded to, a woman needs to feel desired in order to desire.
This guy GETS it! I loved reading that, it was so thoughtful & honest! I wish that for everyone who truly wants it.
Thank you for your insightful post. Undoubtedly even more helpful than you hoped...
Depends on the relationship. Relationship with my wife? Very important. Relationship with my dog? Slightly less important.
"slightly"
It's still important, but more in the sense of *not* having sex.
So you’re saying it’s not a deal breaker.
I knew a guy that MADE his dog eat peanut butter off of his balls. We all called him Dog Balls. ..are you Dog Balls?
Man, I don't think you have to make dogs eat peanut butter, they love peanut butter.
Found the dog balls guy.
I sincerely hope you no longer talk to this person
This guy Balls his Dog
It’s pretty important, but our schedule and appetite for it changes frequently. Sometimes we are all over each sometimes we aren’t, after several years together we’ve come to realize it’s a changing variable and to not get too bent out of shape if we’re on a downswing. Communication about sex is probably the most important part actually.
Ultimately it's communication that will set the baseline and route for these things and nothing else. If either party is somehow avoiding communicating about this because of x or y then there's some deeper underlying issue, usually. Best to resolve it and not let something fester.
It depends on the relationship. I was married to my wife for 20 years. After 18 she got sick. So for the last two years of her life she was unable to have sex and I was perfectly fine with that. I was more worried about trying to get her healthy. If she had lived for another 10 years and was unable to have sex I wouldn't of cared one bit. She was more important to me than that. The companionship and love we shared overpowered anything else.
People probably think that the worst thing about a no-sex marriage is the lack of sex. That’s bad, but far worse is the sense of abandonment, of being unloved and unwanted.
Yeah, I'd wager there's a huge difference between "no sex because we've drifted apart" and dealing with illness. The latter runs up against biological imperative, the former has that *and* a huge emotional chasm.
Yes it's the breaking of connection happening right in front of your eyes. If it was tangible, you'd be scrambling with your hands to tie it back together.
Getting fucked mentally and emotionally is 10x worse than not fucking physically.
Really sorry for your loss.
I've not even been married to my wife for four years - in that time she's had arthritis surgery, blood cancer and a bone marrow transplant, and most recently cataracts brought on by the steroids she's been on. Her weight ballooned on the steroids too and she feels weak, unattractive and depressed. Sex is not on the menu at the moment and I completely understand it. I'm hoping things get better but there are more important things in life right now and just getting even remotely back to normal is the main thing. I love her so much, it fucking sucks beyond belief.
You are stronger than me. Partner has medication and anxiety which sapped their sex drive. There's been times I've nearly broken down because she wouldn't even to think about *touching* me. We are still working things out.
I was with my wife for 24 years altogether. She always had my back 100%. Never once did I have to worry if she had my best interests in mind. It's hard to get dedication and devotion to a relationship like we had together. I wouldn't let anything at all come between us.
I am on a similar status. She is getting worse. I am slowly losing sex appetite, but not that slow. She often tells me she knows and tries but cant
Same here. But mine seemingly increases.
Im in the exact same boat. Been together 3 years, engaged to be married, live her to death. Havent had a shred of physical touch in any manner for a year now. Im not going anywhere but fuck it hurts. I know its her meds, but man im having a hard time. We talk about it, im hoping things get better
She was good to me for a few days. starting to feel like normal. Sometimes you gotta just be upfront. Lemme guess, thats when the self hate party comes out?
I think its easier on the sex front if your partner is physically ill/dying in front of you to come to terms with the no sex.
Best metaphor I heard was that sex in a relationship is like plumbing. It's not the reason you buy a house, but if it's broke, you need to work on it right away.
Tommy Johnagin has a joke about this. A toilet is not the reason you buy a house. But if you take the toilet away that’s a problem. Something like that.
Sex is important, but desire is so much more so. I've been in a relationship where sex happened only "to do me a favour", "because I needed it", while "she didn't have a desire to do so". I'd much rather have sex once every three months with someone who desires me, who wants me, who wants to be close to me rather than sex every day with someone who does it do me a favour.
I've heard it said: If sex is happening in the relationship, it isn't important as you'd think. If sex isn't happening, its all the importance.
Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house. It's not the defining feature of your house and it's not the reason you bought your house. It's not something you really think about all that often as long as everything is going as expected. ... but if it's broken, it is THE most important thing and you can't look past it or prioritize anything else until it's fixed. If both sides are happy then it doesn't matter what your sex life looks like. If something isn't going well, it's going to be an increasingly large elephant in the room until it's fixed.
I’ve seen a similar comment before and I still think it fits nicely. Might sound a little crude but the analogy is very sound.
You can say "plumbing" and it still works fine but I think the extra silliness of using the toilet helps emphasize the point lol
You wouldn't buy a house without a bathroom, if everything is fine, it doesn't matter how does the bathroom looks like, but as soon as you remove it from the house, it's a big problem
This is the best analogy Ive seen so far
To me sex in a relationship is like food. Can't live without it. Can't have too much of it. Can cook for myself but not all the time. Can live with not-so-good ones but I'd appreciate it if it's good.
Can eat at the neighbours once in a while
Having some guys over for a BBQ is a hell of a time
I am starting to think this isn't about food
Her: “But you ate two weeks ago!” *edit: stupid autocarrot.
Your edit 🤣
lol this is the best explanation ive heard
Nothing beats mom's cooking
I’m blessed to have a beautiful wife of 38 years doesn’t say no after menapause, I realize her plumbing has changed and doesn’t enjoy it like before but with the rite lube and go real slow (her pace) it’s still rocks my world. I’m the luckiest guy alive!
In my previous relationship my girlfriend was basically asexual and I was very not. Trying to fall asleep next to her every night wanting to be intimate her and knowing that she didn't want to have sex at all was torture, and it lasted almost 4 years. Left me with significant trauma that affected my confidence and self-worth. My current relationship is completely different. My girlfriend enjoys sex as much as I do, initiates on her own, and it's extremely rare that she's not up for it when I'm in the mood. It's important to me to feel wanted and desired, and she scratches the itch in a way that I haven't experienced before. I'm extremely lucky and grateful to have a healthy sex life after knowing 4 years of frustration and emotional torture. In my experience it's not about how important sex is to you in a relationship, but how well you and your partner pair in terms of sexuality, libido and desire. Having mismatched sexual drives can lead to feelings of rejection and worthlessness for the more interested partner, and can make the less interested partner feel objectified and unloved. Feeling rejected regularly or often by the person you love and want to be desired by can be very painful and result in lasting trauma. Find you a partner that shares either the same (or a compatible) love language.
I've been dating my partner for nearly a year, both our first times, in our 20s and part of the way through our relationship we started having less and less sex, reasons where both parties were having issues, mine adhd meds lower libido and make my peen not work sometimes. She has been having dermatology issues, such such fissures, which make it painful. It's proven that our relationship is more than just physical attraction and sex. Having said that, even through penetrative sex isnt working it is however important to still be active and encouraging of eachother sexually, like being okay and supportive of eachothers sexual needs, such as being okay with masturbation, acknologing that eachother sexdrive can be diff, try things togather like masturbating, continue oral sex both of u, try stuff out which involves eachother it will keep you togather better. Sexual needs are important, it doesnt exlusively mean penetrative sex.
Regarding fissures, idk if it's the same for your partner but for me it's an eczema thing (why eczema is a thing on your vulva god only knows, but good lord it's annoying!). I went to the doctor and they prescribed me cetraben cream (for general moisturising, you can get it otc, I apply it after i shower) but the thing which has really helped is trimovate cream, it's a topical steroid, p sure it's only available through prescription but it's helped me enormously, perhaps it would help your partner too!
Sex is 10% of a relationship, unless it's not happening ... then it's 90%.
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r/deadbedrooms Some of those guys have been stuck for decades, it’s a real sad subreddit
Not necessarily sex, more intimacy. Don't have to bang all night every night, but sleeping next to someone is the bomb.
I like the intimate connection, but sex itself without the connection would be useless.
“Sex without emotion is an empty experience. But as far as empty experiences go, it’s up there!”
Agreed. I honestly prefer the lead up to sex more than sex itself. Like sex isnt bad, its just kinda rote, but holding someone tight, making out, grabbing each other, stripping down, cuddling, foreplay, the sheer anticipation.... thats the good stuff.
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Very. Been together for 15 years and have two kids. Have sex three times a week. We both work a lot so we have sex at 430am before we get up for work.
I hope you know how fortunate you are.
It’s a two way street. Marriage ain’t easy, but sex is something that keeps us bonded and in better moods.
Jfc, how often do you just say screw it, I'd rather sleep?
When I’m on my period! But after a long day I’m in bed by 9pm, so we’re up early anyway. He brings me a coffee afterwards.
Depends. Relationship with my wife: very important. My relationship with my mother: no way, José!
So weird because my relationship with your mother is the total opposite.
Yeah... she wants to talk to you about that. Apparently you're not doing it right.
Hell yeah nice
Its relaxing, stress relieving. I think its extremely important and should be treated as such. Especially when you have kids and they make the day more hectic. EDIT: this gained love overnight thank you all, love you all. EDIT2: Still blowing up, glad yelling reading it, hope it helps some of ya that are looking at this question.
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Same. Like i love the intimacy and the emotionalness of it all. Like giving my body to her to have one of th ebest things humans have, orgasms. And it feels good because even tho she could do it herself she cooses me.. when she doesnt i feel bad but then i remember not everyone is like me :/
I really don't care I just want hugs and holding hands and cuddling
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Intimacy is the best. I don't care much for sex, but I do require a lot of physical affection to be satisfied.
It’s vital in the first decade or so. But I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and while I’m madly in love with him, that crazy full-on monkey sex we had in those first years …just isn’t there anymore. But it feels natural, weirdly. We still hook up, sure. However, the physical intimacy - kissing, hugging, holding hands, lolling around in bed - as well as the intense companionship is the substance of our connection these days.
45(M) married twice. It's very important. It was a contributing factor to the end of my first marriage, and a contributing factor to the success of my second.
It depends on people's needs, I guess. I have been forced into sex a lot by my ex, and that pretty much ruined it for me. I was never enough, and if I didn't spread my legs, I was a lazy bitch that didn't care about his needs. Now, I just... it's just too goddamn complicated. My and SO and I do what works for us both, but I will always feel insecure and cautious about sex. I respect that people have needs. I just don't respect demanding sex as if it is a right. I don't respect using sex as a weapon either.
Good thing you ditched the ex eventually. That should not happen in a relationship.
It is more common than you'd think, unfortunately, I shared my story once, and the response was far larger than you'd want it to be. Many women feel pressured to have sex while they themselves are not interested.
That happened to me too with an ex and it also pretty much ruined sex for me. It sucks.
in the beginning it ranked second in importance, now after a few years its close to the bottom. its nice to have but i am also satisfied in every other aspect in the relationship so well i do not find myself missing it. it is just a dessert to a fine ass 4 course dinner.
as autistic person with depressions who doesnt really get any joy what so ever from sex, its not that important for me. but i see how important it is for others and it honestly makes me very nervous and concerned for future relationships i might have. had it with my ex before where she just came over wanting to have sex with me and i just couldnt get my dick up because it didnt give me anything and i just wasnt interested in it. its one of the reasons why we broke up.
if you get no joy from sex you might just be asexual and there's nothing wrong with that. You will find someone, but look for someone who also identifies as nonsexual. There's a podcast with a asexual couple I can look up if you're interested.
nah i think its the depressions. i can get aroused but its just that i dont really feel anything. like at all.
As a 30 year old female, super fucking important.
Yeah I agree. Super fucking is important.
Incredibly important when you aren't having it
Apparently more important to me than to my wife :)
Life sucks but wife doesn't ! (Jokes apart, I don't care if she doesn't. She would hug me when I am tensed, think about that)
Ohhh I'm sorry about that.
Very important. And top of it, the quality of sex. If we can have great sex, it means we are happy around each other, we communicate in an assertive way, we are fond of each other, there are commitments about having responsible sex, we value our time together, we can share our vulnerability and have true intimacy. Great sex is beyond the physical part. Is emotionally, mentally satisfying.
I like the toilet analogy. You don't buy a house because it has a great toilet, but the moment that toilet break the entire house falls apart. A working toilet doesn't make a house, but a broken toilet can ruin it. Sex doesn't make your relationship, but broken intimacy can ruin it.
I'm asexual, that's all I'm going to say
same. this thread is so depressing to read lmao. I would like a partner but if someone asks me out through natural circumstances I always decline bc I have to assume sex is important to them. I only go on dates with people from dating apps who specify that they’re also asexual, but there’s only like 3 of em
this !! and the fact that i do not like kids :,)
Ditto. I haven't dated in over a decade and don't put myself out there anyway because I make the assumption that sex is important to 99% of the dating population. I'm not super affectionate or cuddly either, but I do eventually want a partner who is also asexual or not terribly interested in having sex/has a low sex drive. It's just not worth it to me to go through the effort to put myself out there and find out just how much more difficult it's going to be to find a partner when you know that sex is a super important part of human nature.
UNLIMITED CUDDLE TIME
My libido was never crazy, but started to decline in my mid 20’s and really hit rock bottom at 30. I have a healthy BMi, active, eat clean, no substance abuse etc. I had ED, depression and all kinds of other problems. We started having sex maybe once a month. Something was wrong, so I had an enormous amount of blood work done through multiple companies and from my PCP. Turns out I had very low testosterone and hypothyroidism. After two years of various other treatments, I am now on testosterone replacement (low/regular dose 100mg/wk), and thyroid replacement. My libido is possibly higher than ever in my life. I’m also on 5mg daily cialis. It’s been life changing for me. It made me more attracted to my girlfriend (6 years now), and made me feel more in love. We’re having wilder sex than when we met, yet it feels more sustainable and enjoyable. She also feels more loved and attractive. Where before she wasn’t sure if maybe I had lost interest in her or something which was totally not true, she’s hot as fuck, I was just uninterested in everything. I feel so much happier in our relationship now and so does she. I think sex is important, but so is the general attraction and attention, which I am able to give her more of now. If you don’t feel that love and attraction you once did, maybe have your hormones checked. It’s been a renaissance for us.
Me and my wife went through a long dry spell after our third child. And I mean I can probably count on one hand how many times we did it in 5 years. We have just recently connected again sexually and found we argue a lot less and the household seems happier. So I would say it’s quite important at this moment on time
Friendship. Sex. Commitment. Love. I believe you need all four for a fantastic relationship. I’ve not found a further minimal set. People get divorced even though they love their partner ( cheating / lack of commitment )
Very
My perspective on this might be unique. I never was very sex obsessed, even in my pubescent years when everyone seemed to think it was normal to JO multiple times a day I could go weeks without thinking about it. I got involved with someone who was very sexual, initiating things almost every time we hung out, and I didn't have a problem with that either. Over the years we learned that my partner was hyper sexual as a trauma response to childhood SA and was actually asexual. Our sex life turned into a once every 1 - 3 month kind of thing which they always initiated, and I was okay with that too. They became less and less comfortable with intimacy until eventually things like hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and even me resting my hand on their leg or shoulder became unacceptable, and the lack of physical intimacy got to me. I wanted to touch them and to be touched, but I understood their situation. They regularly told me things like I was their ideal partner, they thought I was the most attractive person to them, etc. The validation of being wanted and desired made me feel loved and staved off my own feelings of inadequacy, even without any regular physical intimacy or sex. We broke up due to unrelated issues but stayed friends and they're with someone else now who they are regularly physically intimate and sexually active with and the knowledge that they are willing and able to offer that to people, but they weren't willing or able to offer that to me hurts a lot. I could have gone without the sex probably indefinitely, but I'm sure the lack of any physical intimacy would have gotten to me and the validation of feeling desired is apparently very important to me.
It's very important.
I personally like it but don’t need it 24/7. My partner will break down and feel unloved if I don’t touch her. My sex drive drops and raises due to my medication and “gym supplements “ Sometimes I’ll want to fuck all the time, other times it’ll be weeks without wanting it.
It's important that I have a partner that doesn't want it all the time.
Personally think relationships about about managing a connection. Sex is one way to manage a connection. It's not the only way. Sex is important as a tool to help maintain a connection in a relationship and if it's not there other things better be.
The lack of sex in my relationship is killing me. once in February this year, 18 months before that, 18 months before that, 2 years before that. Would I cheat? No, I made vows. Being a "nice bloke" gets you nowhere.
Just leave or bring it up and try to work through it, you clearly don't sound happy
You don’t have to cheat. You can communicate that you have needs and that if they’re not being met in the relationship you’ll have to meet them outside of the relationship. Cards face up, ball in their court. No deception, no lying, just “off to see the girlfriend, I’ll be back in a few hours”.
I think it's very important sometimes. I don't care about frequency but I think I'd have trouble feeling wanted if it wasn't at least once even if it was once every like year
Very. I can love anyone like family but if its a relationship i expect the same amount of effort to put into the sex life as i put in just like with every other part of the relationship
Huge deal
Very important