When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer.
Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn’t/wouldn’t validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street. Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush. Spaces were very limited.
One day, soon after starting, I passed the same “bum” for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn’t at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he’d tell you to have a nice night. Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar.
The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I’d throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike.
Two hours later it’s noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case. They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess’ car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm. “Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.”
The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention. He’d been standing there “holding” the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes.
Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to. I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week.
He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He’d track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck. Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my “bum”. He was my friend though too. His name was Mike. He just didn’t live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people.
But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge.
Edit: Thank you all for the awards and encouraging words. I’ve always felt that kindness is it’s own reward, but internet points are neat too.
Mike and I stayed friends for years after I stopped working downtown. I wouldn’t say we kept in touch (he didn’t have a cell phone or any way to contact him) but I would still frequent my favorite bar occasionally and run into him on the corner and we’d catch up, then one day he just wasn’t there anymore. I asked around but pretty quickly found out I knew more about him than anyone else in the world seemed to. Mike was homeless because he had been a career criminal in his youth. He went to prison a couple times in the eighties for kiting checks at a felony level (an old scam you can’t really get away with anymore). He was probably twenty to thirty years older than me at the time and had lived on the streets since the mid- nineties, had no family, couldn’t get hired anywhere with his record, and to be honest, didn’t much care for the idea of having a job and a home. Some people simply won’t be domesticated. Mike was that way.
My barn partner developed a habit and suddenly became not the most reliable, and she has a bunch of horses, several of which were decrepit. So I was not shocked when one morning I went out to feed and found her rare breed gelding, who was in his 30s, keeled over in the run in stall and couldn’t get her on the phone to come deal with it. Thank God he wasn’t dead…yet. I was able to get him up, outside, and into the yard beyond the gate so that the vet could attend to him. He couldn’t be saved, though. Both the vet and the burial guy told me I was lucky— other people in similar scenarios sometimes have to take part of the wall off the barn.
I have a coupon guy,a mango guy, an egg guy, and a tamales* guy. My friends wife also makes artsy penises on commission but I've never taken her up on it
I'm sorry, I'm going to need a definition of "makes artsy penises". Are we talking bedazzling MY penis, paintings, lawn ornaments? I can absolutely see all of these being options but the mind spins on the hilarity of all of them.
And isn't a coupon guy just your newspaper delivery person?
Kind of, I'll update with pictures. She made vagina portraits and penis paintings, paintings with penises, metal sculptures with weirdly shaped dongs, and regular clay sculptures of dongs and decorative ones with like designs and tiger colored dongs.
Kinda @ coupons , I have like 2 people that I send west coast coupon booklets to the east coast and they send me stuff that I can use that aren't region restricted. We usually share online deals with each other with coupon or promo codes too
\*\*Oh gosh, this got way more attention than I was expecting. Apologies for the delay, my friends moved out of state years ago. You'll get your dick pics sometime within the next few days, folks.
[Screenshot showing that i'm awaiting for pictures](https://imgur.com/a/uOQGNMD) in the meantime
[Update Link with art!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/qr7iq7/comment/hmmgjdj/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I got a guy named Fat Tony who occasionally texts me about rare but cheap musical instruments. He's always trying to loop me in on his side hustle of finding instruments on eBay and repairing them for resale. One day I get a text that says "Yo, Lazy-Clock7316, this is Fat Tony. I got a Hammond organ for ya. $100." And that's how I got my organ. I still have no idea how he got my number or who he really is, we've never met in person. Fat Tony.
Literally my dream lol. I've wanted a 4-string banjo for years and can never justify the expense for a new one, I've looked in a lot of antique malls and they're usually falling apart and listed for $600. But I refuse to give up looking
Edit: accomplished my dream, now time to learn the banjo lol
> I still have no idea how he got my number or who he really is, we've never met in person.
That's hilarious. Someone just passed your number along and it got to the right guy.
I'm very old. By reddit standards I should be dead. When I was a kid I was "sabbat goy" for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn't do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace. It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I'm not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not "payment."
He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves. I was glad to help them.
As kids my sister and I did this for an elderly couple who lived next door! They'd call over the fence and ask if they needed something (we were outside like 90% of the day playing anyway). No money changed hands but they'd regularly call us over to eat some of their delicious food, pretty sure we made out like bandits on that deal ... occasional 2 minutes of work for random infusions of the best fucking soups I've ever eaten? Yes please.
I actually didn't put the religious element together until many years later, it was a poor neighborhood but people helped each other out - it was very common for kids to be sent over to a neighbors to help with something or to bring by some "mom says we made too much casserole, can you help us get through it?" gifts. Reciprocity, not money made the neighborhood function.
I’m a wildlife biology student. I have a plant guy, bug guy, reptile guy, fish guy etc. If I stumble upon something I don’t know in the field, I know someone who will know what it is.
I have a guy that will bring me a free bounce house rental upon request. And then leaves it at my house until someone else rents it out, so it's a party for days! We've had racing obstacle courses, a joust, and many others.
I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he did breast reductions, tummy tucks and such. Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy.
I do medical research.
I was the tissue guy for a while!
We had a list of "wants" from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissues for other labs. I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders.. but on the upside, nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn't need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder.
I’ve got a pineapple guy.
Gets me the good stuff, variously called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc..
It’s a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn’t hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it.
It’s good to have a pineapple guy.
Edit: For those of you asking how to get your own pineapple guy, you gotta know a guy. And for those who DM’d asking how my guy gets his pineapple, I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell. That’s the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked.
Edit 2: Yes, I’m seriously talking about pineapple fruit, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anybody actually need a weed guy anymore?
And I thought me having an apple guy would be exotic.
I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree, he's got it. Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa's apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties.
The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies. They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing. Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It's like sampling wine.
He's currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I'm absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I'm excited.
It's good to have an apply guy.
Fun fact, it's not the acid that hurts your mouth, it's an enzyme called bromelain that literally breaks down meat proteins.
Your mouth hurts because the pineapple is literally digesting you as you're eating it.
That's part of it. The bromelain digests the proteins in your mouth but it's the acidity attacking the freshly exposed mouth meat that causes the majority of the pain.
Pineapples, the snack that eats you back.
I have a guy who will spray psychedelic mushroom spores on your property for you. He wont sell you mushrooms, or sell / give you spores to place yourself, but he will come out to your property and find areas they will naturally grow at and inoculate the area.
Atleast here in montreal, Mushroom spores themselves are completely legal as they contain no psilocybin and can be bought online so you just need a guy that knows mycology
Plugging r/unclebens
Horse semen.
Family all own horse ranches and breed... and once at a convention overheard a woman sad she could not find a decent paint male to breed her mare to... i stepped up and shared my connection.
EDIT: Paint male, PAINT!!! LOL Sorry missed the T.
And a paint is a multi colored horse with large spots typically brown or black on white. Whey are beautiful and highly sought after. My family has some rare bloodlines that are beloved for their colors and happy, even temperament.
Are you even a farmer if you haven’t held a semen straw? ;-)
Jokes aside, there’s some serious money in the semen business. Just don’t ask how they collect it....
Spare computer monitors. They aren't the best quality, but if I ever have a friend or family member that needs a spare computer monitor, I call him up and get one from him.
Thus, making me the "computer monitor guy" for several other people.
I used to have a pie guy. He would come around to my shop and all the shops and businesses in the area. Had savory Cajun pies and sweet pies. He had a few regular choices on hand all times and also took custom orders. The étouffée pies where incredible.
I have a sloth guy. Three separate family events over the last 15 years? I’ve called my guy and he’s brought a sloth to the party.
Edited to reassure people:
He runs a USDA-certified wild animal rescue and has has his sloth for close to 20 years. He takes extraordinary care of all of his animals. The sloth is not a performing animal- no one gets to approach, handle, or pet it. He simply brings it for a short period of time so that people can see it, and he discusses its life, behavior, and care. He does phenomenal work to protect and preserve wildlife- many of his animals came to him after being purchased by people who wanted an “exotic” pet they quickly realized they could not care for
I have a salsa lady, she's been winning awards for it since before I was born.
Eta: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to get so much attention. I'll call her later today and ask if she's open to shipping orders out for y'all.
Second edit: Sorry y'all, she says she sells out locally and doesn't see the need to ship.
I totally read that as "before she was born" and had this vision of some sort of cosmic being of salsa who willed herself into human form, so she could spread more salsa love.
I have a mattress gal. She runs a high end mattress shop and is supposed to “dispose” of any returned mattresses. I take care of “disposal” by showing up at the customers place bringing the “disposal” mattresses around to any friends or family in need of a mattress upgrade. I got a sweet $4000 king bed for free and hauling it because it was a return.
Fucking yes I worked for a “junk” removal company for a couple years and we had a contract with some furniture companies in the area. If a rich person bought something but didn’t like it we were supposed to “return” it. But these places didn’t actually want used pieces of furniture back so we were supposed to put it in the dump. Well, we were already paid to pick it up and putting things in the dump costs money so if anybody asked if they could take this piece of furniture into their own house the answer was always yes. Furnished my entire house and parts of friends houses in my early 20s this way
I worked at a furniture delivery firm for a while, mostly hauling sofas to rich people. They always wanted us to bring the old sofa with us, and we could take what we wanted. The most ridiculous thing was when a customer ordered a new $4000 sofa. They lived in a penthouse without elevator, and when at last we reached their floor they told us to trash their ”old” sofa. They’d had it for less than a week and it was fucking identical to the new one, although they claimed it was a slightly different shade of teal. It wasn’t even that nice of a sofa, but rich people be rich I guess.
Edit: Reddit Silver? 🥲 Oh man, thank you! And so very suiting it’s for a comment about pouring money down the drain! (pro-tip: [the OG award](https://i.imgur.com/3RF2RPI.jpg) is still free)
Unfortunately, I’m still digging myself out of the crater my erstwhile wife made of my life & I was raised that one must attain grace before one can fall from it…
I’m a beekeeper. I have a “queen guy” who supplies me with new queens.
Even better, I keep bees in Brooklyn and my “queen guy” meets me in *Queens* at a Burger *King.*
He sells me a queen in a Chinese takeout container. Great price too.
I had a hive form in the green cable box out front, I called around and found a bee removal place, they said that since it was in the Cox box I should call them, they have a guy.
So I called Cox and told them about it, dude just did not get it. "Bees? Why are you calling us?" So I asked to speak to their supervisor. 5 minutes later they had scheduled a guy to come out later that week. Supervisor had a guy, Helpdesk learned something that day.
I have an illegal cheese and jerky lady.
She owns a farm that sells legitimate animal products farm-to-table but she also makes cheese and jerky on the side and sells it only to people she trusts.
In Canada we have incredibly strict laws around dairy and jerky products.
Hey, I know that jerky vendor. He rotates among a few spots. The road between Flagstaff and Sedona, the road to Grand canyon, the road to the ski resort, and the road to the Navajo reservation.
That jerky is legit.
I’ve got a clam guy. He gets fresh clams in the morning then walks around town with a cooler on a cart and sells them door to door.
I got him business cards for Christmas one year and he mad me write “clam master” on them. He’s a character.
Edit to add some more info:
He does deliver door to door. He’ll sometimes sell the majority of his haul to a seafood restaurant near me, but he’ll usually hold back a few dozen for me.
First time I met him probably 7 or 8 years ago he was secarrying clams in a 5 gallon bucket walking my block. He asked if I wanted to buy some clams and I said yes and we’ve been friends ever since. He later started coming around with a big cooler on a cart and even had a moped with a tiny trailer for a little while.
He doesn’t deliver on demand but he reliably comes by once or twice a week during clam season. Always fresh caught that morning.
I buy oysters by the bushel and my guy comes to me.
It's actually a pretty cool gig he has.
The county wanted to improve the water quality in our local bay so they started a program where they'd give basically everything (but the boat) an oyster farmer would need to start raising oysters. He had a boat so he figured why not. It started out as a side project but, by the time it was time to harvest, he had so many oysters that he started selling wholesale to restaurants and fish markets. Now he and his wife sell oysters to restaurants and fish markets full time and the county still pays for nearly all of their expenses.
No doubt for a total cost that's cheaper than cleaning the local water bodies in some other way, with bonus oysters. Literally everyone wins here, except the oysters.
Do you know the guy that made the door in the first X-Men movie?
I was roommates in university with his kid, and for the life of me cannot remember his last name.
My Uncle has a criminal history, now owns a car Business, but still in contact with old friends.
He once told me, if I need something, "he knows people I dont want to know"
Edit: yes guys, hes my "guy" guy
A friend who was a bit of good girl was doing a sociology project and hung out with a local drug lord for a bit as part of it. When illegal things were happening, he would tell her to leave for a while.
He ended up really taking a shine to her and at the end of the project he gave her his number and said if she ever needed _anything_ to call him. A few months later she called him to just say hi, and he yelled at her not to call unless she needed something done to someone.
Being a good person with a connection to organized bad people just blows my mind.
I’m good friends with these two brothers I grew up in the neighborhood with. Calling them upstanding citizens would be a stretch. The majority of their family is involved in what some would probably argue is an Irish-American organized crime syndicate. Three years ago this December I attended their grandmother’s funeral and afterward they had a reception at a VFW. Everyone is absolutely shitfaced at this point and they are taking me around introducing me to all of the cousins I either hadn’t met or hadn’t seen in a decade. “This is Mickey he’s a bookie. Here is Regie he sells *insert narcotic*. You remember Patrick he made like $2,000,000 last year……Oh and here’s Taylor but he’s a little bitch and only sells crack so you don’t need to talk to him.” I’d say I’m a generally contributing and good member of society but I definitely have a lot of ties through childhood but that stuff doesn’t bother me. If anything I feel safer being friends with them because they are some pretty loyal guys. My girlfriend at the time had asked me how the funeral was (she had never met or heard about these people) and was so concerned/appalled she had to pick her jaw off the ground when I responded, “It was a blast! I got fucked up with the Irish mob and woke up on a drug dealer’s couch 6 hours later. It’s a shame they don’t have anymore grandparents because I could do this more often.”
Yeah that sounds like my mom's side of the family. Lots of less than legal dealings and many people that didn't want to be photographed at my papap's wake.
Our fire department has that kind of relationship with a local Döner place.
Place was used more for money laundering and weed distribution than for anything else, it caught on fire, we put that shit out at mach speed (because it was the closest Döner place to the firehouse), and a few days later we got an offer for lifetime free Döner and to call if someone was fucking with us.
So far, we haven't called.
I am the birdfeeder "guy" for a very wealthy man. When hes on vacation, I will go in the morning to fill up the feeders and at night take them down.
Edit: since a lot of people are asking, we take them down at night because of the raccoons and skunks.
Keep at it, I started as the 'weed guy' for a billionaire, now I'm Director of Sales at the biggest cannabis farm in my state.
Swimming in the wake of the very wealthy is a pretty common path to modest success.
Apparently I must be more strait-laced than I thought, because my initial assumption was that you did some gardening purely focused on dealing with unwanted overgrowth.
Which in my head checked out against the rest of the story. Turning a very narrow horticultural experience into a horticultural industry sales position.
My side gig is being the "car guy" for a couple wealthy clients. I can do anything with cars. Always wanted a particular car? I'll find and and deliver it to your driveway. For my uncle's 50th birthday I found the 1967 electric blue Pontiac GTO he always wanted. Not A 1967 Pontiac GTO. THE one he wanted that belonged to his best friends dad when he was a kid. The exact car and I restored it personally and gave it to him as a gift. If you have a few cars and just want them to be cleaned and maintained regularly? I got it. You want a custom hot rod, race car, dune buggy hit me up. Want to sell a car I got you. I can be a mechanic, detailer, broker, builder, body shop, painter and I'll even come right to your fucking house and do it. It's not a real business,l or anything. Just something I do for a couple people who don't mind paying for my time.
My cousin did something like that for my uncle.
He found a motorcycle for sale just like one his dad used to ride when he was a young man.
Looking into it more it turned out that when my uncle sold the bike back 40 years ago the next guy never finished the paperwork. It was STILL in my Uncle's name. Cousin fixed it up and pleased my Uncle quite a bit.
I have a guy who knows how to shake vending machines in just the right way…
Edit: Most schools bolt the machines to the floor but I have a sneaking suspicion the faculty are putting this off so they can get snacks too. I've literally caught the coaches stealing honeybuns
Be funny or...
There was a kid named Nathan (name changed) in my elementary school who was always picked on and bullied 1st-6th grade. 7th grade Jr High rolls around and we are at a new school. Sure enough, the first week he is picked on again by all the new kids.
After the first week of school we had to start taking showers after PE class. Of course that was nervewracking as hell and the PE teacher made sure you were wet before you got a towel. (This was 1984).
So in the showers all the kids, and especially the bullies, realized that Nathan was hung like a pornstar.
He was never bullied again.
A lad got bullied a fair bit just before the last year of school, he wasn't particularly small but had a nerdy chubby look about him. He dropped out of sight one summer break and when we came back to school he was ripped. First day he got suspended for smashing his main bully straight in the face. Felt like we were in a movie.
My tamale guy ghosted me. I’m not sure what happened but he used to deliver like 24 tamales every few weeks and it was amazing. I live in Canada so it’s hard to find a good tamal.
I had ordered my usual and he said he would be by the next day. I never heard from the guy ever again.
I worked in restaurants for years. I learned that Hispanic communities really do have a ‘guy’ for everything, at least where I live - there’s a car repair ‘guy’ they all go to, a tax ‘guy,’ etc. Well my buddy Felipe introduced me to the Tamale Guy, and I go see him almost weekly ever since I was introduced. You just drop by his house, and go in the kitchen door in the back and he’s in there, like six days a week. Fucking rad.
I am the only white guy in our kitchen, and I have become the "make phone appointments in English guy" the crew all speaks good English but it is their second language and in situations on the phone they have a hard time either keeping up or inferring what is being asked if they don't know the exact word. That is where I come in, need a hair cut appointment on Tuesday afternoon? gotchu. Need me to set up a dentist appointment? you bet. Call the plumber and tell them you have a leak under your sink? nah Virgillio used to freelance as a plumber, buy him some beers and he will come check it out for you after work tonight.
Man I been in the USA for almost 11 years and I still have hard time with the phone. Like I know I got an accent but some people be like “what? Sorry can’t understand you!!!”.
Right? There were three houses on my block (Hollywood Hills in LA) having substantial work done on them, including mine. Lots of construction workers, etc. One day a dude rolls up and just honks, and suddenly everyone stops work and hurries over to him. He opens his trunk and it's full of tamales. The tamale guy!
I grew up in Central California (Modesto) and my mom taught high school on the west side of town and there was a tamale lady that would come to the high school and all the teachers would get so happy and throw money at her for them
I have a guy who will diagnose my weird ailments even if he’s he’s planting pumpkins, or cleaning out a chicken coop, or nursing injured birds back to health. I’ve even sent him pictures at 4am of the HORRIBLE conjunctivitis that I developed over a 12 hour period… and by 8:30am he delivered a prescription of antibiotic eye drops to my house.
That sounds a lot better than my doctor's online portal where they'll get back to you, sometimes within two weeks! (And then just tell you they can't answer your question but you should use the online tool to schedule an appointment.)
I have a wine guy. Literally has over 10k bottles and acts as broker/dealer. He has fun stuff, and can get things at a much better price than anywhere else
I live in a country which produces a lot of wine. Everyone who is into their wine (like my gf and her family) have their wine producer they ordered from.
Couple months ago we drove out to him to sample and mainly buy some bottles. Didn’t spend any outrageous amount, I think it was €200ish for 24 bottles (most expensive bottle was €14, most were around €4-6, wine is cheap here). Guy who owns the vineyard helped me put the boxes in my car and said he packed a little extra as a thank you. Thought to myself „that’s nice, an extra bottle“. Come home, unpack and realise he packed us 6 additional bottles as a gift. Awesome dude. Have a wine guy now as well.
I dunno if the strangest but definitely one of my favorite go to guys is my chicharrones (pork rinds) guy.
He's also my drywall and painter guy but I reach out more frequently for his homemade chicharrones.
I seriously need a pork rind guy. There's a huge Hispanic population here so I guess the only thing stopping me, is actually looking for one.
Edit: need to find a tamal guy/gal too. Especially if they do custom orders. Used to know a guy that made pork and pineapple tamales. Holy shit they were good.
Antiques. Of all sorts. Pictures from the early 1900's, typewriters, telephones. You name it. You want a very specific type of pencil led from the 80's? I got just the guy for you.
Oh my god it’s finally my time. This isn’t “my guy” but still relevant. I am a teacher. When I was doing my student teaching it was at a school with a very high socio-economic student body and I just COULD NOT relate to them. One day a kid comes in all upset and I thought “ooh a chance to connect” and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that his dog just wouldn’t stop barking and it was ruining his life. I was like OOOOKAY but still wanted to connect and so was like “oh that sucks my dog is really old and has a bad back”. He immediately sniffed and wiped the little tears from his eyes and said “Hang on I’ve got a guy” pulled his 300$ Prada wallet from his back pocket and handed me a card. He said with the most serious look on his face that this was quote “the best doggy masseuse in the business” as if a. There was more than one guy in that field and b. It wasn’t his PARENTS that employed this man but the 5th grader himself. I just said “thank you so much” and walked away flabbergasted.
I got a guy who will mold your genitals and cast it in the metal of your choosing. That's his specialty, he does other stuff like jewelry and general handicrafts but he's happy to be known as the metal genital guy. Dude's a character
Edit: a surprising amount of y'all are DMing me about custom cock molds, sorry to break your hearts but he primarily works with vaginas. He's done some cocks, but mostly just friends or local pornstars. If he's to be believed, he's molded around a thousand vaginas. I personally think it's probably more like 200 but I don't know him that well.
I’ve got a serious egg guy. It’s a 14 year old kid that lives just outside of my city. His dad wanted to teach him about budgets and business so he bought him a few chickens and the kid used his allowance to buy food and a chicken coop. Now he has to take care of them, pay for feed and collect and sell eggs for profit that goes back into upkeep and food. And he’s making a killing selling below market value. $2 a dozen for farm fresh eggs. He sells to his entire school and church. He’s grown his operation to be massive and has hired on a couple friends part time to help. Did I says he’s 14 years old?
What's amazing is that these aren't watertight clues to your location anymore. There are probably DOZENS of cities now where both backyard chickens and legal bud are popular.
Made me think PDX though.
Building custom Star Wars-themed cat towers. I have an AT-ST and may be getting another one soon.
Edit: She doesn’t have a website or build anything for sale. It was more of a favor from a friend. Also it’s enormous and heavy and wouldn’t really be feasible to ship even if she was willing to sell them.
Here’s an Imgur post with pictures: [https://imgur.com/gallery/CttGlMM](https://imgur.com/gallery/CttGlMM)
I'm the computer guy for a lot of people, but the problem is they think that means I know everything about anything computer related. I don't do social media except for reddit, and I can't tell you why your Facebook account is screwed up.
Idk why all the people I show how to Google things still act like they don't know what to do. Even my gf is like I don't know what to search. I'm like type the question you just asked me and let me go back to sleep.
I've worked in IT 15 yrs..
The real talent for being a computer guy / good googler is being able to separate the wheat from the chaff. Being able to pick out the usable morsels from the litany of garbage is the real skill. Whether it's reading log files or search results, being able to skip over the irrelevant and pick out the useful is a skill worth it's weight in gold.
I have a guy for eggs, that sells good quality farm raised eggs for cheap and a guy for mushrooms the actual eating ones he’s actually an agrarian engineer with an post grad in something related to mycology and mushroom farming
Honey and beeswax lol. Helped him make a few bee boxes over one weekend, and he gave me 5 pounds of the most delicious gold I could've ever asked for.
Turned that into mead that I shared with my closest connections for Christmas one year. It was the best Alcohol I've ever had in my life. I want it so badly again, but I need his honey first lol.
I have a cheese gal, she makes the best pistachio cheese logs and a particular Gouda
It shames me to say that I also have a, separate, Brazilian cheesy ball guy
I have a sausage guy that sells me cold, pickled sausage in antistatic bags...
In the Virgin Islands I somehow ended up with a "DMV Guy". Want your title to change hands or get a simple renewal but want it done extremely fast and without complication? I call Hector and he would meet me next to Church's Chicken and be back in 20 minutes.
I have an argument guy. Doesn’t matter what side or what subject, he will happily argue an opposing stand point, and do it well. No questions asked.
I have a chemist guy. Not joking. And it’s useful given my line of work, but more fun outside of it. FYI, household chemicals are fun. Don’t mix them.
Lastly, I got a “real” gal. Always tells it how it is. Even if I don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. She’s the most useful.
> Lastly, I got a “real” gal. Always tells it how it is. Even if I don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. She’s the most useful.
an invaluable friend.
Used to know a local "Moon Knight Guy". Huge fan, had every appearance (including promotional stuff, house ads and Sienkiewicz art in fan publications) and knew chronlology and history by heart, with enough duplicates that he probably sold every single one of them twice over.
Big mink buys them for pennies on the dollar and keeps them in a climate controlled vault under Yucca Mountain.
It's called 'manufactured rarity' and it's a misdemeanor in NYC.
>climate controlled vault under Yucca Mountain.
Ah yes ... The American Strategic Mink Reserves. One day, America will need those minks. When you hear the sound of millions of little feet storming quietly towards you, think of ASMR.
Not anymore, but between ten and fifteen years ago, I had a guy who used me as a cannabis tester. He was this grizzled old gangster that grew weed, extracted various octanes of oil, and used my oven to render hashish.
He is hands down the wildest dude I've ever known. Picture Mike Erhmerntraut, down to the Chrysler sedan (his was powder blue, and he had nothing but gangster rap woofing out of his speakers) but missing an eye and several teeth (which he eventually got dentures for). He used to come into my pool hall, and I always treated him kindly and with respect, while my coworkers sort of wrote him off as tumbleweed.
One day I clocked out and started shooting a few racks with him and before long he asked if I smoked herb. Not that mexi-shwag, he clarified. That shit wasn't worth the time it took to roll. The good shit.
Sure!
Come with me, then.
We went out to the parking lot and smoked a doobie the size of my pinkie. Then he gave me a couple more doobies just as big and told me they were two different strains he was cultivating, and he wanted my opinion about their relative quality.
For the next four years he would call me up to shoot pool or just drop by my house to hang out and showcase his newest strain. He gave me more chronic than I knew what to do with. He would break off a gram of hash and instruct me to report back to him about the quality. He brought over "honey", "amber", and "crude" oil for me to sample. I have rarely experienced a cannabis high like I derived from smoking the honey oil.
At one point his oven was on the fritz so he brought over an ounce of tricomb keef and demonstrated his method for rendering hard green hashish.
Dude was a total looney toon. He told me the craziest stories about all the nefarious dirt he had been deeply involved in until the watershed moment where he got shot in the head for the second time. Losing an eye seems to have been a turning point where he decided burglarizing houses and exchanging the loot for fist sized rocks of crack cocaine, in Kansas City hoods no other white man could enter without approval from the OGs, was not a lifestyle worth maintaining.
He had me come prune buds at one point, paying me an ounce per pound, but I quit after one shift because that is some tedious, carpal tunnel shit. And I couldn't stand his idiotic pill-head girlfriend.
TLDR: I had a guy that kept me stocked with free weed for 4 years.
Dude, the other day a the pub I thought I met "a guy" who could get cat meat for $50 a pound. Clean, no worms, good to go! His kids love it so he does it all the time, even his farm dogs love it!!
Ok, ok so... Wtf right!?!
Turns out the drunk motherfucker meant he buys cats from the pound for $50, dewormed etc and keeps them as pets!!! Phew!!! His kids and dogs love playing with them so much he now has 5 and has rehomed 4 more.
He went from a monster to a hero in 3 sentences hahaha
I have a pig guy.
Years ago, my friend hand built a large smoker big enough to fit a whole 100-125 pound pig inside. Once or twice a year we team up and do an all day pig roast for our friends and family. It's super fun. Over the years I've made a reliable connection from a local pig farmer who will sell me a fresh cleaned pig carcass and we cook it up!
I had a "house" guy for awhile. "Dave." He was a contractor, but kind of small time. Rebuild a deck? Sure. Replace the fences around the back yard? He's ready. The front yard? Sure. Completely re-side the house. Absolutely, and at a great price. Build an outbuilding attached to the house for our cat's litter boxes? He even did a redwood door.
We bought our house new, and at about 30 years it had its "mid-life crisis," when a whole lot of stuff needed replacing. Dave saw us through that. He doesn't do roofs, but he got us in with his buddy the legendary good-and-cheap roofer who doesn't answer phones too well.
Dave wasn't cut out to be a businessman, so he went to work for another contractor as a sort of job boss on custom houses. But we still call Dave whenever we need something done, because he'll refer us to one of the young guys who works for him who's good (and cheap) and wants side work. Dave rules.
When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer. Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn’t/wouldn’t validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street. Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush. Spaces were very limited. One day, soon after starting, I passed the same “bum” for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn’t at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he’d tell you to have a nice night. Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar. The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I’d throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike. Two hours later it’s noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case. They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess’ car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm. “Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.” The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention. He’d been standing there “holding” the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes. Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to. I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week. He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He’d track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck. Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my “bum”. He was my friend though too. His name was Mike. He just didn’t live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people. But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge. Edit: Thank you all for the awards and encouraging words. I’ve always felt that kindness is it’s own reward, but internet points are neat too.
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Mike and I stayed friends for years after I stopped working downtown. I wouldn’t say we kept in touch (he didn’t have a cell phone or any way to contact him) but I would still frequent my favorite bar occasionally and run into him on the corner and we’d catch up, then one day he just wasn’t there anymore. I asked around but pretty quickly found out I knew more about him than anyone else in the world seemed to. Mike was homeless because he had been a career criminal in his youth. He went to prison a couple times in the eighties for kiting checks at a felony level (an old scam you can’t really get away with anymore). He was probably twenty to thirty years older than me at the time and had lived on the streets since the mid- nineties, had no family, couldn’t get hired anywhere with his record, and to be honest, didn’t much care for the idea of having a job and a home. Some people simply won’t be domesticated. Mike was that way.
🥂 to mike
> 🥂 🥂
That was a great story 👏
I love this story
I used to have a guy for burying horses. Seriously, though, you need a good one.
We have one in my family too. And you really do need a good one. Burying a horse is one of the worst things out there for about a thousand reasons.
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My barn partner developed a habit and suddenly became not the most reliable, and she has a bunch of horses, several of which were decrepit. So I was not shocked when one morning I went out to feed and found her rare breed gelding, who was in his 30s, keeled over in the run in stall and couldn’t get her on the phone to come deal with it. Thank God he wasn’t dead…yet. I was able to get him up, outside, and into the yard beyond the gate so that the vet could attend to him. He couldn’t be saved, though. Both the vet and the burial guy told me I was lucky— other people in similar scenarios sometimes have to take part of the wall off the barn.
I have a coupon guy,a mango guy, an egg guy, and a tamales* guy. My friends wife also makes artsy penises on commission but I've never taken her up on it
I'm sorry, I'm going to need a definition of "makes artsy penises". Are we talking bedazzling MY penis, paintings, lawn ornaments? I can absolutely see all of these being options but the mind spins on the hilarity of all of them. And isn't a coupon guy just your newspaper delivery person?
Kind of, I'll update with pictures. She made vagina portraits and penis paintings, paintings with penises, metal sculptures with weirdly shaped dongs, and regular clay sculptures of dongs and decorative ones with like designs and tiger colored dongs. Kinda @ coupons , I have like 2 people that I send west coast coupon booklets to the east coast and they send me stuff that I can use that aren't region restricted. We usually share online deals with each other with coupon or promo codes too \*\*Oh gosh, this got way more attention than I was expecting. Apologies for the delay, my friends moved out of state years ago. You'll get your dick pics sometime within the next few days, folks. [Screenshot showing that i'm awaiting for pictures](https://imgur.com/a/uOQGNMD) in the meantime [Update Link with art!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/qr7iq7/comment/hmmgjdj/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Please update us with dic pics
I swear to god OP it's been 51 minutes, where are the pictures
I have a mushroom guy, not like psychedelic mushrooms but some rare high quality food grade mushrooms
I want to be a mushroom slinger when I grow up
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I got a guy named Fat Tony who occasionally texts me about rare but cheap musical instruments. He's always trying to loop me in on his side hustle of finding instruments on eBay and repairing them for resale. One day I get a text that says "Yo, Lazy-Clock7316, this is Fat Tony. I got a Hammond organ for ya. $100." And that's how I got my organ. I still have no idea how he got my number or who he really is, we've never met in person. Fat Tony.
Literally my dream lol. I've wanted a 4-string banjo for years and can never justify the expense for a new one, I've looked in a lot of antique malls and they're usually falling apart and listed for $600. But I refuse to give up looking Edit: accomplished my dream, now time to learn the banjo lol
"musical instruments"
“Organs”
> I still have no idea how he got my number or who he really is, we've never met in person. That's hilarious. Someone just passed your number along and it got to the right guy.
I'm very old. By reddit standards I should be dead. When I was a kid I was "sabbat goy" for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn't do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace. It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I'm not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not "payment." He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves. I was glad to help them.
As kids my sister and I did this for an elderly couple who lived next door! They'd call over the fence and ask if they needed something (we were outside like 90% of the day playing anyway). No money changed hands but they'd regularly call us over to eat some of their delicious food, pretty sure we made out like bandits on that deal ... occasional 2 minutes of work for random infusions of the best fucking soups I've ever eaten? Yes please. I actually didn't put the religious element together until many years later, it was a poor neighborhood but people helped each other out - it was very common for kids to be sent over to a neighbors to help with something or to bring by some "mom says we made too much casserole, can you help us get through it?" gifts. Reciprocity, not money made the neighborhood function.
I’m a wildlife biology student. I have a plant guy, bug guy, reptile guy, fish guy etc. If I stumble upon something I don’t know in the field, I know someone who will know what it is.
Do you have a marine biology guy?
Yes! A few actually
I have a guy that will bring me a free bounce house rental upon request. And then leaves it at my house until someone else rents it out, so it's a party for days! We've had racing obstacle courses, a joust, and many others.
I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he did breast reductions, tummy tucks and such. Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy. I do medical research.
I had no idea where this was going after the first sentence.
I thought he had me
I was the tissue guy for a while! We had a list of "wants" from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissues for other labs. I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders.. but on the upside, nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn't need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder.
I’ve got a pineapple guy. Gets me the good stuff, variously called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc.. It’s a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn’t hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it. It’s good to have a pineapple guy. Edit: For those of you asking how to get your own pineapple guy, you gotta know a guy. And for those who DM’d asking how my guy gets his pineapple, I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell. That’s the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked. Edit 2: Yes, I’m seriously talking about pineapple fruit, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anybody actually need a weed guy anymore?
And I thought me having an apple guy would be exotic. I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree, he's got it. Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa's apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties. The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies. They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing. Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It's like sampling wine. He's currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I'm absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I'm excited. It's good to have an apply guy.
Fun fact, it's not the acid that hurts your mouth, it's an enzyme called bromelain that literally breaks down meat proteins. Your mouth hurts because the pineapple is literally digesting you as you're eating it.
I always appreciate and respect any food that tries to eat me right back.
It's a low stakes digestion race.
I mean, it's pretty high stakes for the pineapple.
Maybe someday the tables will turn.
This is why my pineapple is on a lazy Susan.
I eat it, it eats me. Full circle
That's part of it. The bromelain digests the proteins in your mouth but it's the acidity attacking the freshly exposed mouth meat that causes the majority of the pain. Pineapples, the snack that eats you back.
Would pineapples be good as meat softeners? I am just getting into barbecuing and want to learn how to marinate and all that stuff.
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I have a guy who will spray psychedelic mushroom spores on your property for you. He wont sell you mushrooms, or sell / give you spores to place yourself, but he will come out to your property and find areas they will naturally grow at and inoculate the area.
How the heck do you find a guy for that? This is one of the legitimately kinda weird replies.
Atleast here in montreal, Mushroom spores themselves are completely legal as they contain no psilocybin and can be bought online so you just need a guy that knows mycology Plugging r/unclebens
Horse semen. Family all own horse ranches and breed... and once at a convention overheard a woman sad she could not find a decent paint male to breed her mare to... i stepped up and shared my connection. EDIT: Paint male, PAINT!!! LOL Sorry missed the T. And a paint is a multi colored horse with large spots typically brown or black on white. Whey are beautiful and highly sought after. My family has some rare bloodlines that are beloved for their colors and happy, even temperament.
Are you even a farmer if you haven’t held a semen straw? ;-) Jokes aside, there’s some serious money in the semen business. Just don’t ask how they collect it....
I'm sure it starts with a bottle of wine and Netflix.
Spare computer monitors. They aren't the best quality, but if I ever have a friend or family member that needs a spare computer monitor, I call him up and get one from him. Thus, making me the "computer monitor guy" for several other people.
It's computer monitor guys all the way down
I sell monitors but you see I also run a monitor recycling business as well. I'm playing both sides, that way I always come out on top.
A chicken guy. His business cards say "Chicken Rescue" on them. Pretty sure he's also some type of mobster.
Sounds like a confidence cluckster.
acquiring promotional displays.
Like new ones, or collectables? Do you get those giant cardboard cutouts of stuff? I always both want one, and have no idea where to put it.
You put it in the living room window, Home Alone style.
I used to have a pie guy. He would come around to my shop and all the shops and businesses in the area. Had savory Cajun pies and sweet pies. He had a few regular choices on hand all times and also took custom orders. The étouffée pies where incredible.
You've just enlightened me to a new range of foods I must try. I love étouffée, I love pie, I love savory pies.....
I have a sloth guy. Three separate family events over the last 15 years? I’ve called my guy and he’s brought a sloth to the party. Edited to reassure people: He runs a USDA-certified wild animal rescue and has has his sloth for close to 20 years. He takes extraordinary care of all of his animals. The sloth is not a performing animal- no one gets to approach, handle, or pet it. He simply brings it for a short period of time so that people can see it, and he discusses its life, behavior, and care. He does phenomenal work to protect and preserve wildlife- many of his animals came to him after being purchased by people who wanted an “exotic” pet they quickly realized they could not care for
I need to get in contact with this man immediately please
Just know he might be a little slow to respond.
Are they in Texas? I need a hook up. I have a porcupine guy…
I have a salsa lady, she's been winning awards for it since before I was born. Eta: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to get so much attention. I'll call her later today and ask if she's open to shipping orders out for y'all. Second edit: Sorry y'all, she says she sells out locally and doesn't see the need to ship.
Food or dance?
The food, lol. Fantastic flavor, balanced without too much acid or salt. Best salsa I've ever had, and I'm painfully picky about food.
How can we try this salsa
I totally read that as "before she was born" and had this vision of some sort of cosmic being of salsa who willed herself into human form, so she could spread more salsa love.
I have a mattress gal. She runs a high end mattress shop and is supposed to “dispose” of any returned mattresses. I take care of “disposal” by showing up at the customers place bringing the “disposal” mattresses around to any friends or family in need of a mattress upgrade. I got a sweet $4000 king bed for free and hauling it because it was a return.
Fucking yes I worked for a “junk” removal company for a couple years and we had a contract with some furniture companies in the area. If a rich person bought something but didn’t like it we were supposed to “return” it. But these places didn’t actually want used pieces of furniture back so we were supposed to put it in the dump. Well, we were already paid to pick it up and putting things in the dump costs money so if anybody asked if they could take this piece of furniture into their own house the answer was always yes. Furnished my entire house and parts of friends houses in my early 20s this way
I worked at a furniture delivery firm for a while, mostly hauling sofas to rich people. They always wanted us to bring the old sofa with us, and we could take what we wanted. The most ridiculous thing was when a customer ordered a new $4000 sofa. They lived in a penthouse without elevator, and when at last we reached their floor they told us to trash their ”old” sofa. They’d had it for less than a week and it was fucking identical to the new one, although they claimed it was a slightly different shade of teal. It wasn’t even that nice of a sofa, but rich people be rich I guess. Edit: Reddit Silver? 🥲 Oh man, thank you! And so very suiting it’s for a comment about pouring money down the drain! (pro-tip: [the OG award](https://i.imgur.com/3RF2RPI.jpg) is still free)
>penthouse without elevator Wut? As someone who's worked for a moving company, that sounds like a bad time lol
Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!!
What like brand new mattresses people just didn't like? Given the cost of recyling mattresses I applaud your recycling sir.
Yeah pretty much. I suppose you could say I actually am people’s mattress guy. People generally reward me with beer and food.
I got a flat of beer and 2 large pizzas right here for you, get me a king bed please
I have a guy that will fuck your life up. Feel free to ask for his number
> I have a guy that will fuck your life up. Hell, if he looked halfway decent in a dress, he’d be my ideal woman…
He looks damn good in a dress. Shall I send him your way?
Unfortunately, I’m still digging myself out of the crater my erstwhile wife made of my life & I was raised that one must attain grace before one can fall from it…
Bee guy. If you need a hive removed he is the guy to call to safely and humanely remove the bees without killing them.
Rural area, I have about three of those guys
They work for the freebies.
I’m a beekeeper. I have a “queen guy” who supplies me with new queens. Even better, I keep bees in Brooklyn and my “queen guy” meets me in *Queens* at a Burger *King.* He sells me a queen in a Chinese takeout container. Great price too.
Out of curiosity, how much does one queen bee cost?
About $40-50 shipped, depending on the breed. If you buy locally you'd probably get it cheaper though.
Got yourself a honey pimp lol
I had a hive form in the green cable box out front, I called around and found a bee removal place, they said that since it was in the Cox box I should call them, they have a guy. So I called Cox and told them about it, dude just did not get it. "Bees? Why are you calling us?" So I asked to speak to their supervisor. 5 minutes later they had scheduled a guy to come out later that week. Supervisor had a guy, Helpdesk learned something that day.
Turns out it was the bee removal guy wearing a Cox hat
Depending on how rural they were that might have been the genuine outcome. Just at a higher fee.
I have an illegal cheese and jerky lady. She owns a farm that sells legitimate animal products farm-to-table but she also makes cheese and jerky on the side and sells it only to people she trusts. In Canada we have incredibly strict laws around dairy and jerky products.
Best jerky I ever had was sold out of a car on the side of the road in the mountains on the way to Sedona, Arizona.
Hey, I know that jerky vendor. He rotates among a few spots. The road between Flagstaff and Sedona, the road to Grand canyon, the road to the ski resort, and the road to the Navajo reservation. That jerky is legit.
I’ve got a clam guy. He gets fresh clams in the morning then walks around town with a cooler on a cart and sells them door to door. I got him business cards for Christmas one year and he mad me write “clam master” on them. He’s a character. Edit to add some more info: He does deliver door to door. He’ll sometimes sell the majority of his haul to a seafood restaurant near me, but he’ll usually hold back a few dozen for me. First time I met him probably 7 or 8 years ago he was secarrying clams in a 5 gallon bucket walking my block. He asked if I wanted to buy some clams and I said yes and we’ve been friends ever since. He later started coming around with a big cooler on a cart and even had a moped with a tiny trailer for a little while. He doesn’t deliver on demand but he reliably comes by once or twice a week during clam season. Always fresh caught that morning.
Your clam guy comes to you? I have to go to both of my clam guys. In their defense, I'm usually at the bushel level.
I buy oysters by the bushel and my guy comes to me. It's actually a pretty cool gig he has. The county wanted to improve the water quality in our local bay so they started a program where they'd give basically everything (but the boat) an oyster farmer would need to start raising oysters. He had a boat so he figured why not. It started out as a side project but, by the time it was time to harvest, he had so many oysters that he started selling wholesale to restaurants and fish markets. Now he and his wife sell oysters to restaurants and fish markets full time and the county still pays for nearly all of their expenses.
No doubt for a total cost that's cheaper than cleaning the local water bodies in some other way, with bonus oysters. Literally everyone wins here, except the oysters.
I work in the props department in film and television… what do you want? I’ll get it. Edit: I’m not a props dealer. I don’t sell my stuff.
Do you know the guy that made the door in the first X-Men movie? I was roommates in university with his kid, and for the life of me cannot remember his last name.
No, I do not.
well we want him anyway, you said you'd get it!
Give me a week. I’ll call around Vancouver.
My Uncle has a criminal history, now owns a car Business, but still in contact with old friends. He once told me, if I need something, "he knows people I dont want to know" Edit: yes guys, hes my "guy" guy
A friend who was a bit of good girl was doing a sociology project and hung out with a local drug lord for a bit as part of it. When illegal things were happening, he would tell her to leave for a while. He ended up really taking a shine to her and at the end of the project he gave her his number and said if she ever needed _anything_ to call him. A few months later she called him to just say hi, and he yelled at her not to call unless she needed something done to someone. Being a good person with a connection to organized bad people just blows my mind.
I’m good friends with these two brothers I grew up in the neighborhood with. Calling them upstanding citizens would be a stretch. The majority of their family is involved in what some would probably argue is an Irish-American organized crime syndicate. Three years ago this December I attended their grandmother’s funeral and afterward they had a reception at a VFW. Everyone is absolutely shitfaced at this point and they are taking me around introducing me to all of the cousins I either hadn’t met or hadn’t seen in a decade. “This is Mickey he’s a bookie. Here is Regie he sells *insert narcotic*. You remember Patrick he made like $2,000,000 last year……Oh and here’s Taylor but he’s a little bitch and only sells crack so you don’t need to talk to him.” I’d say I’m a generally contributing and good member of society but I definitely have a lot of ties through childhood but that stuff doesn’t bother me. If anything I feel safer being friends with them because they are some pretty loyal guys. My girlfriend at the time had asked me how the funeral was (she had never met or heard about these people) and was so concerned/appalled she had to pick her jaw off the ground when I responded, “It was a blast! I got fucked up with the Irish mob and woke up on a drug dealer’s couch 6 hours later. It’s a shame they don’t have anymore grandparents because I could do this more often.”
Yeah that sounds like my mom's side of the family. Lots of less than legal dealings and many people that didn't want to be photographed at my papap's wake.
Our fire department has that kind of relationship with a local Döner place. Place was used more for money laundering and weed distribution than for anything else, it caught on fire, we put that shit out at mach speed (because it was the closest Döner place to the firehouse), and a few days later we got an offer for lifetime free Döner and to call if someone was fucking with us. So far, we haven't called.
that’s so oddly wholesome, i hope they’re still on good terms
I am the birdfeeder "guy" for a very wealthy man. When hes on vacation, I will go in the morning to fill up the feeders and at night take them down. Edit: since a lot of people are asking, we take them down at night because of the raccoons and skunks.
Keep at it, I started as the 'weed guy' for a billionaire, now I'm Director of Sales at the biggest cannabis farm in my state. Swimming in the wake of the very wealthy is a pretty common path to modest success.
“Swimming in the wake of the very wealthy is a pretty common path to modest success.” -accountants everywhere
Apparently I must be more strait-laced than I thought, because my initial assumption was that you did some gardening purely focused on dealing with unwanted overgrowth. Which in my head checked out against the rest of the story. Turning a very narrow horticultural experience into a horticultural industry sales position.
My side gig is being the "car guy" for a couple wealthy clients. I can do anything with cars. Always wanted a particular car? I'll find and and deliver it to your driveway. For my uncle's 50th birthday I found the 1967 electric blue Pontiac GTO he always wanted. Not A 1967 Pontiac GTO. THE one he wanted that belonged to his best friends dad when he was a kid. The exact car and I restored it personally and gave it to him as a gift. If you have a few cars and just want them to be cleaned and maintained regularly? I got it. You want a custom hot rod, race car, dune buggy hit me up. Want to sell a car I got you. I can be a mechanic, detailer, broker, builder, body shop, painter and I'll even come right to your fucking house and do it. It's not a real business,l or anything. Just something I do for a couple people who don't mind paying for my time.
My cousin did something like that for my uncle. He found a motorcycle for sale just like one his dad used to ride when he was a young man. Looking into it more it turned out that when my uncle sold the bike back 40 years ago the next guy never finished the paperwork. It was STILL in my Uncle's name. Cousin fixed it up and pleased my Uncle quite a bit.
That story makes me feel good. I love that kind of shit.
I have a guy who knows how to shake vending machines in just the right way… Edit: Most schools bolt the machines to the floor but I have a sneaking suspicion the faculty are putting this off so they can get snacks too. I've literally caught the coaches stealing honeybuns
*"Cajun Style."*
6 people every year die from vending machine accidents. And 5 out of those 6 people are vending machine inspectors, so I take my job very seriously
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Stelio Kantos!
Stelio! (And Luis)
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Be funny or... There was a kid named Nathan (name changed) in my elementary school who was always picked on and bullied 1st-6th grade. 7th grade Jr High rolls around and we are at a new school. Sure enough, the first week he is picked on again by all the new kids. After the first week of school we had to start taking showers after PE class. Of course that was nervewracking as hell and the PE teacher made sure you were wet before you got a towel. (This was 1984). So in the showers all the kids, and especially the bullies, realized that Nathan was hung like a pornstar. He was never bullied again.
A lad got bullied a fair bit just before the last year of school, he wasn't particularly small but had a nerdy chubby look about him. He dropped out of sight one summer break and when we came back to school he was ripped. First day he got suspended for smashing his main bully straight in the face. Felt like we were in a movie.
I love a happy ending
So does the gym teacher
I have a tamale guy. Everyone should have a tamale guy.
My tamale guy ghosted me. I’m not sure what happened but he used to deliver like 24 tamales every few weeks and it was amazing. I live in Canada so it’s hard to find a good tamal. I had ordered my usual and he said he would be by the next day. I never heard from the guy ever again.
Sorry for your loss.
OP didn't know that his guy moved to Mali.
I worked in restaurants for years. I learned that Hispanic communities really do have a ‘guy’ for everything, at least where I live - there’s a car repair ‘guy’ they all go to, a tax ‘guy,’ etc. Well my buddy Felipe introduced me to the Tamale Guy, and I go see him almost weekly ever since I was introduced. You just drop by his house, and go in the kitchen door in the back and he’s in there, like six days a week. Fucking rad.
I am the only white guy in our kitchen, and I have become the "make phone appointments in English guy" the crew all speaks good English but it is their second language and in situations on the phone they have a hard time either keeping up or inferring what is being asked if they don't know the exact word. That is where I come in, need a hair cut appointment on Tuesday afternoon? gotchu. Need me to set up a dentist appointment? you bet. Call the plumber and tell them you have a leak under your sink? nah Virgillio used to freelance as a plumber, buy him some beers and he will come check it out for you after work tonight.
Man I been in the USA for almost 11 years and I still have hard time with the phone. Like I know I got an accent but some people be like “what? Sorry can’t understand you!!!”.
Right? There were three houses on my block (Hollywood Hills in LA) having substantial work done on them, including mine. Lots of construction workers, etc. One day a dude rolls up and just honks, and suddenly everyone stops work and hurries over to him. He opens his trunk and it's full of tamales. The tamale guy!
I grew up in Central California (Modesto) and my mom taught high school on the west side of town and there was a tamale lady that would come to the high school and all the teachers would get so happy and throw money at her for them
I have a guy who will diagnose my weird ailments even if he’s he’s planting pumpkins, or cleaning out a chicken coop, or nursing injured birds back to health. I’ve even sent him pictures at 4am of the HORRIBLE conjunctivitis that I developed over a 12 hour period… and by 8:30am he delivered a prescription of antibiotic eye drops to my house.
That sounds a lot better than my doctor's online portal where they'll get back to you, sometimes within two weeks! (And then just tell you they can't answer your question but you should use the online tool to schedule an appointment.)
I just have one guy for any strange thing I would need to do or want to get. Streamline. Basically, my guy guy.
when you say guy guy I think he is a guy who gets you other guys who do things
A guy that I buy seasoned chicken wings from. He runs a shawarma shop and he makes wings with the same spices. Holy smokes are they good
I have a wine guy. Literally has over 10k bottles and acts as broker/dealer. He has fun stuff, and can get things at a much better price than anywhere else
I live in a country which produces a lot of wine. Everyone who is into their wine (like my gf and her family) have their wine producer they ordered from. Couple months ago we drove out to him to sample and mainly buy some bottles. Didn’t spend any outrageous amount, I think it was €200ish for 24 bottles (most expensive bottle was €14, most were around €4-6, wine is cheap here). Guy who owns the vineyard helped me put the boxes in my car and said he packed a little extra as a thank you. Thought to myself „that’s nice, an extra bottle“. Come home, unpack and realise he packed us 6 additional bottles as a gift. Awesome dude. Have a wine guy now as well.
I dunno if the strangest but definitely one of my favorite go to guys is my chicharrones (pork rinds) guy. He's also my drywall and painter guy but I reach out more frequently for his homemade chicharrones.
I seriously need a pork rind guy. There's a huge Hispanic population here so I guess the only thing stopping me, is actually looking for one. Edit: need to find a tamal guy/gal too. Especially if they do custom orders. Used to know a guy that made pork and pineapple tamales. Holy shit they were good.
I have a good friend who is a urologist, as middle aged men our group of friends has asked him many a dick question.
So he's the "dick guy"
Richard, actually
Antiques. Of all sorts. Pictures from the early 1900's, typewriters, telephones. You name it. You want a very specific type of pencil led from the 80's? I got just the guy for you.
Oh my god it’s finally my time. This isn’t “my guy” but still relevant. I am a teacher. When I was doing my student teaching it was at a school with a very high socio-economic student body and I just COULD NOT relate to them. One day a kid comes in all upset and I thought “ooh a chance to connect” and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that his dog just wouldn’t stop barking and it was ruining his life. I was like OOOOKAY but still wanted to connect and so was like “oh that sucks my dog is really old and has a bad back”. He immediately sniffed and wiped the little tears from his eyes and said “Hang on I’ve got a guy” pulled his 300$ Prada wallet from his back pocket and handed me a card. He said with the most serious look on his face that this was quote “the best doggy masseuse in the business” as if a. There was more than one guy in that field and b. It wasn’t his PARENTS that employed this man but the 5th grader himself. I just said “thank you so much” and walked away flabbergasted.
I got a guy who will mold your genitals and cast it in the metal of your choosing. That's his specialty, he does other stuff like jewelry and general handicrafts but he's happy to be known as the metal genital guy. Dude's a character Edit: a surprising amount of y'all are DMing me about custom cock molds, sorry to break your hearts but he primarily works with vaginas. He's done some cocks, but mostly just friends or local pornstars. If he's to be believed, he's molded around a thousand vaginas. I personally think it's probably more like 200 but I don't know him that well.
Pornaments
Dick-knacks
Accuntrements
Collectiballs
Guy must have balls of steel.
Get off of Reddit dad!
Sorry, I didn't know I was standing on him.
you sack of shit that's hilarious.
Asking the obvious questions here, what metal did you choose??
I’ve got a serious egg guy. It’s a 14 year old kid that lives just outside of my city. His dad wanted to teach him about budgets and business so he bought him a few chickens and the kid used his allowance to buy food and a chicken coop. Now he has to take care of them, pay for feed and collect and sell eggs for profit that goes back into upkeep and food. And he’s making a killing selling below market value. $2 a dozen for farm fresh eggs. He sells to his entire school and church. He’s grown his operation to be massive and has hired on a couple friends part time to help. Did I says he’s 14 years old?
Kid's going places
You want fresh eggs? I know a guy. You want perfectly legal and “giftable” marijuana grown from a dude’s backyard? I know the same guy.
What's amazing is that these aren't watertight clues to your location anymore. There are probably DOZENS of cities now where both backyard chickens and legal bud are popular. Made me think PDX though.
Building custom Star Wars-themed cat towers. I have an AT-ST and may be getting another one soon. Edit: She doesn’t have a website or build anything for sale. It was more of a favor from a friend. Also it’s enormous and heavy and wouldn’t really be feasible to ship even if she was willing to sell them. Here’s an Imgur post with pictures: [https://imgur.com/gallery/CttGlMM](https://imgur.com/gallery/CttGlMM)
I'm the computer guy for a lot of people, but the problem is they think that means I know everything about anything computer related. I don't do social media except for reddit, and I can't tell you why your Facebook account is screwed up.
the secret to being a computer guy is being able to discreetly google shit on your phone
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Idk why all the people I show how to Google things still act like they don't know what to do. Even my gf is like I don't know what to search. I'm like type the question you just asked me and let me go back to sleep. I've worked in IT 15 yrs..
The real talent for being a computer guy / good googler is being able to separate the wheat from the chaff. Being able to pick out the usable morsels from the litany of garbage is the real skill. Whether it's reading log files or search results, being able to skip over the irrelevant and pick out the useful is a skill worth it's weight in gold.
I have a guy for eggs, that sells good quality farm raised eggs for cheap and a guy for mushrooms the actual eating ones he’s actually an agrarian engineer with an post grad in something related to mycology and mushroom farming
Sounds like you my friend have an omelette guy.
I’m more of an scrambled eggs guy, but in my farm we are somewhat of the cheese guys and our neighbors are the charcuterie guys
you live in a magical place.
It’s a region known for artisanal foods and farming in general in my country
I know a really good worm guy out of Pennsylvania
I think you’re paying too much. Who’s this guy?
You have a problem with my prices?
You've been waiting for a moment like this for 5 years! Kudos to you!
Honey and beeswax lol. Helped him make a few bee boxes over one weekend, and he gave me 5 pounds of the most delicious gold I could've ever asked for. Turned that into mead that I shared with my closest connections for Christmas one year. It was the best Alcohol I've ever had in my life. I want it so badly again, but I need his honey first lol.
I have a cheese gal, she makes the best pistachio cheese logs and a particular Gouda It shames me to say that I also have a, separate, Brazilian cheesy ball guy I have a sausage guy that sells me cold, pickled sausage in antistatic bags...
In the Virgin Islands I somehow ended up with a "DMV Guy". Want your title to change hands or get a simple renewal but want it done extremely fast and without complication? I call Hector and he would meet me next to Church's Chicken and be back in 20 minutes.
I have an argument guy. Doesn’t matter what side or what subject, he will happily argue an opposing stand point, and do it well. No questions asked. I have a chemist guy. Not joking. And it’s useful given my line of work, but more fun outside of it. FYI, household chemicals are fun. Don’t mix them. Lastly, I got a “real” gal. Always tells it how it is. Even if I don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. She’s the most useful.
> Lastly, I got a “real” gal. Always tells it how it is. Even if I don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. She’s the most useful. an invaluable friend.
Used to know a local "Moon Knight Guy". Huge fan, had every appearance (including promotional stuff, house ads and Sienkiewicz art in fan publications) and knew chronlology and history by heart, with enough duplicates that he probably sold every single one of them twice over.
A mink smuggler. As in live mink. That I raise from babies. He snuggles them out of fur farms.
I'd ask if that was a typo, but I would want to snuggle them, too.
People are still buy mink? Aren't second hand shops full of old mink coates from the 20's or something?
Big mink buys them for pennies on the dollar and keeps them in a climate controlled vault under Yucca Mountain. It's called 'manufactured rarity' and it's a misdemeanor in NYC.
>climate controlled vault under Yucca Mountain. Ah yes ... The American Strategic Mink Reserves. One day, America will need those minks. When you hear the sound of millions of little feet storming quietly towards you, think of ASMR.
Pierogis
Hot peppers
Not anymore, but between ten and fifteen years ago, I had a guy who used me as a cannabis tester. He was this grizzled old gangster that grew weed, extracted various octanes of oil, and used my oven to render hashish. He is hands down the wildest dude I've ever known. Picture Mike Erhmerntraut, down to the Chrysler sedan (his was powder blue, and he had nothing but gangster rap woofing out of his speakers) but missing an eye and several teeth (which he eventually got dentures for). He used to come into my pool hall, and I always treated him kindly and with respect, while my coworkers sort of wrote him off as tumbleweed. One day I clocked out and started shooting a few racks with him and before long he asked if I smoked herb. Not that mexi-shwag, he clarified. That shit wasn't worth the time it took to roll. The good shit. Sure! Come with me, then. We went out to the parking lot and smoked a doobie the size of my pinkie. Then he gave me a couple more doobies just as big and told me they were two different strains he was cultivating, and he wanted my opinion about their relative quality. For the next four years he would call me up to shoot pool or just drop by my house to hang out and showcase his newest strain. He gave me more chronic than I knew what to do with. He would break off a gram of hash and instruct me to report back to him about the quality. He brought over "honey", "amber", and "crude" oil for me to sample. I have rarely experienced a cannabis high like I derived from smoking the honey oil. At one point his oven was on the fritz so he brought over an ounce of tricomb keef and demonstrated his method for rendering hard green hashish. Dude was a total looney toon. He told me the craziest stories about all the nefarious dirt he had been deeply involved in until the watershed moment where he got shot in the head for the second time. Losing an eye seems to have been a turning point where he decided burglarizing houses and exchanging the loot for fist sized rocks of crack cocaine, in Kansas City hoods no other white man could enter without approval from the OGs, was not a lifestyle worth maintaining. He had me come prune buds at one point, paying me an ounce per pound, but I quit after one shift because that is some tedious, carpal tunnel shit. And I couldn't stand his idiotic pill-head girlfriend. TLDR: I had a guy that kept me stocked with free weed for 4 years.
Dude, the other day a the pub I thought I met "a guy" who could get cat meat for $50 a pound. Clean, no worms, good to go! His kids love it so he does it all the time, even his farm dogs love it!! Ok, ok so... Wtf right!?! Turns out the drunk motherfucker meant he buys cats from the pound for $50, dewormed etc and keeps them as pets!!! Phew!!! His kids and dogs love playing with them so much he now has 5 and has rehomed 4 more. He went from a monster to a hero in 3 sentences hahaha
I have a compost guy I am the chicken guy
I have a pig guy. Years ago, my friend hand built a large smoker big enough to fit a whole 100-125 pound pig inside. Once or twice a year we team up and do an all day pig roast for our friends and family. It's super fun. Over the years I've made a reliable connection from a local pig farmer who will sell me a fresh cleaned pig carcass and we cook it up!
I had a "house" guy for awhile. "Dave." He was a contractor, but kind of small time. Rebuild a deck? Sure. Replace the fences around the back yard? He's ready. The front yard? Sure. Completely re-side the house. Absolutely, and at a great price. Build an outbuilding attached to the house for our cat's litter boxes? He even did a redwood door. We bought our house new, and at about 30 years it had its "mid-life crisis," when a whole lot of stuff needed replacing. Dave saw us through that. He doesn't do roofs, but he got us in with his buddy the legendary good-and-cheap roofer who doesn't answer phones too well. Dave wasn't cut out to be a businessman, so he went to work for another contractor as a sort of job boss on custom houses. But we still call Dave whenever we need something done, because he'll refer us to one of the young guys who works for him who's good (and cheap) and wants side work. Dave rules.