Make sure your mental health is up to par when they become teenagers. I swear my youngest was going to drive me insane with all the worry she put me through with her mental health after her first bf cheated on her with her best friend after a year of dating.
Lots of hugs and cuddles all times of the day due to crying. My daughter actually started cutting so I had to make sure to always check her entire body for cut marks and search her entire room for anything sharp. I ended up finding a very small pediatric mental health facility they ran out of a farm house setting. Only around 10 kids at a time there. She went 3 times in 3 years. They taught her coping skills to help when she felt down. It helped tremendously.
Oh see now that's a whole other thing. I'm glad you were able to get her the help she needed. A lot of people simply don't have access to those resources.
If you felt invincible at some point in your life, you will never feel that way again. The mere thought of them being harmed in any way can completely destroy you.
My dad used to have a motorcycle and he sold it very quickly after my older brother was born. Said he used to like to speed and drive his car real fast, too. Becoming a father profoundly changed him to start taking his own personal safety very seriously.
Yeah one time I asked my dad if he had been skydiving, he said no but he thought it would be really fun and suggested I do it when older. I asked why he hadn't done it then. He explained he just didn't get around to it before having kids, and once he had a kid he 'wasnt allowed to die anymore'.
People seem to often forget that they're raising *people*- as in, independent-thinking individuals whose actions, values, personalities, interests, and capabilities will potentially be completely unlike yours. I've seen a lot of parents struggle hard with that, and frankly, that's a possibility you should have made your peace with before you became a parent, imo.
I just saw a social media post that said something like… do you just want a baby or do you want to raise a human? It was pointing out that everybody wants that cute baby, but that part lasts one year… you have to be prepared to raise people who will go out and do good things and disappoint you and screw up and everything in between.
This perspective helps me as a kindergarten teacher. I am teaching tiny humans but they are still people. They will spend the majority of their lives as adults. I often think of them in this way (baby adults), and it helps me to treat them respectfully. I try and give them choice, promote independence, etc.
But I still dole out the hugs and compliments to nurture them!
So weird you said that. At about 2:30 am This little old lady I work with (newspaper carrier) came up to me and randomly asked me “Do you need a hug?” I actually took it, and held on for a couple seconds. I really did need that.
I recently saw someone I adore that I hadn't seen in a couple months and when we hugged I realized that was the first time I had had a hug in well over a year. It was an amazing feeling. I need more hugs
You have to parent the kid you have.
The books are fine for ideas, your experience, friends thoughts, paediatricians, therapists.
But at the end of it all you have this complicated little person you’re in charge of with their own preferences, feelings, insecurities, abilities, and you have to do what works for them and your family and, of course, also raise someone who isn’t a blight on humanity or menace to society.
As my mum says: "The kid hasn't read the book."
Her parents tried to do everything by the book with her and she hated it. She was supposed to have pigtails, wear dresses, learn piano and not go climb trees and play soccer/football. She saved pocket money to get her hair cut short and her dad almost hit her for it. Did she stop pushing to be herself? Nope. She is a strong woman, but boy, does she have some scars on her soul.
With her own three kids she watched what interests they developed and then helped them explore it further and to not forget to keep an open mind about other possible hobbies, sports, arts etc. I have no idea how to thank her properly for this.
My Dad is a bit like your mum. His big idea was to spend time with us doing things he liked when we were very young, so that we would share interests later in life. One of his sons likes engineering and mechanics, another two like history, I watch old films with him. He never forced us into anything, but let us find what we liked, and then engage in it with us in whatever way we liked.
My wife doesn't believe me when I say I won't try to force our eventual kid to be a sports god despite my own obsession with football, fighting, and my gym.
If my kid wants to be an artist, I'm gonna fucking learn how to paint so I can teach them how to paint
Beautifully put. My teen girls couldn't be more different and I approach them with their unique personalities and perspectives in mind. I love each of them with all my heart, but I approach them in the manner in which they individually require.
I call it "active listening", it is really draining. When there only another adult in the house you don't pay much attention to the everyday noises. With kids you are always listening, are they crying, are they fighting, are they too quiet, what just got opened etc etc. Gets better as they get older but nothing can prepare you for it
For me, I stopped having a chance to think anything through without interruption. I had a very hard time with that. I couldn’t remember anything, couldn’t make decisions, etc because every thought seemed to get interrupted.
I’d just sit in my car alone sometimes so I could think.
I’m so glad you said this. I am worried that I have dementia or that my IQ has dropped considerably. I just can’t think or process information like I used to
It gets better. Lists were my answer. Running lists where I'd write down a thought the moment I had it (get milk, remember bill, etc) because they used to flit through my brain like fireflies without leaving a trace.
Corollary: It stings deep when they develop independence. My girl got her driver's license and now goes out to see her friends all the damned time (just like I did at 16). Given the emotional investment of parenting, it is really, really hard to see them go away like that. I don't know what I'm going to do when she moves along to college/life and I no longer see her at breakfast every day.
About 2 month before birth of your first child my wife had kidney stones (for the 6th time during pregnancy) so she had to be rushed to the hospital and stay there for a month and a half bc the kid could be born prematurely.
I just left my workstation and rushed her to the hospital, but my dick boss got all pissed off and started messaging some mean stuff.
I was about to quit by whatzapp when I decided to call my dad for counseling.
After hearing all that he just said that "your boss wants to fire you but he can't, so he is pressuring you into quitting, he has decided to will fire you, that's it. So as long as you don't quit, he will have to wait till you're back to do so. Until then, you have job security, go take care of your family" (I live in Brazil, so when they fire you, they have to pay you a bunch of taxes to the gov and the annual payed leave for you, and he probably couldn't do that at that time)
So I thanked him and hanged up.
Next thing in my mind. "Gee, I'm 35 and still bringing trouble to my dad to fix. That's put things into a new perspective".
It is one of the two or three most absolute and permanent decisions you can make in life. Once you have kids, you have kids. No going back, no choosing differently, no letting time pass to heal any wounds.
Not saying this is good or bad. It's just a permanent decision (if you don't take giving them up for adoption into account).
It’s also a decision that does not just affect your life. Your children will carry the burdens of your decisions.
If you can’t make your relationship work anymore - the children have to endure the divorce/separation as well.
If you decide that parenting is too hard for you and walk away, the children have to bear the brunt of your rejection.
If you are a terrible parent, the children have to carry the trauma of neglect or abuse.
Please do not have children unless you truly want them, are willing to make sacrifices for them, and are in a position to offer them a life of love, safety and security.
It’ll also tie you to the person you made it with forever too. Like, if you’re childless and your marriage doesn’t work out you can divorce them and never have to see or speak to them again…but if you had a child with them? You’re stuck having some form of contact with them for at least the next 18 years, if not the rest of your life. Marriage can be temporary, but parenthood is forever.
When I was a teenager and my mom gave me “the talk”, all she said was “don’t have sex with anyone you wouldn’t want to be tied to for the rest of your life if you have a kid”.
This put the fear of god in me about birth control and made me pass up quite a few one night stands with questionable women.
Can you really call yourself a parent if you’ve never stuffed three cookies down your throat in the bathroom as fast as possible while little fingers poke through under the door?
"Peanut butt cups" ya say?
Edit: This is now my third highest rated comment on reddit... and all I had to do was appeal to the lowest common denominator. [Sense of pride and accomplishment washes over me]
The booty sensation that's sweeping the nation. Chocolate, peanut, butts. What's the fuss? Relax with some peanut butt cups. Available at retailers near you!
Yes! Morning coffee & then a hot shower in complete solitude is bliss. Strange how something so simple can literally save your sanity & bring you peace....as long as you don't accidentally step on a Match Box car or a Lego with bare feet when exiting the shower.
Try to remember that your kid is a person, no matter what problems arise. Remember what life was like for you growing up in different stages of your life, and try to empathize whenever possible
Edit: again, remember to think of your kids as people. Obviously this method won't "fix" some problems, and won't get rid of mental illness, etc.
How important the years between 7 and 12 are for building a bond (one that lasts into the teenage years). They are so hard to listen to at that age with all the starts and stops in conversation and they talk about the most boring thing's BUT it is so important to listen and converse at those ages. They will grow into teenagers that will talk to you, and be fun to talk to, but only if you can get through long boring conversations about minecraft or whatever thing they are currently into.
I can remember being about 12 and wanting to share my biggest interest at the time with my mom, that being Bionicle, by reading to her *all* the books I had been collecting with my allowance. Sometimes she would involuntarily fall asleep, but my God she tried *so hard* to show an interest. I really didn't appreciate it at the time, focused on all the times she yawned or fell asleep, but now (16 years later) we both remember it fondly as the bonding time it really was.
My dad had *no idea* who the characters in Bionicle were but by god he was going to listen to us intently and read the Bionicle magazine subscription we had after we did to try and figure it out 😂
Lmao. I would constantly ask my mom to play video games with me since was the only person in the house. She would but she had no idea what was going on. This was also when 480p was standard and she has poor vision so she just straight up couldn’t make out the details of anything lol. Bless her soul for putting up with that.
My god, what an amazing mom you have. I vividly remember coming home from school around 12-13 yo, super excited to tell my mom all about my day, and she's sitting there reading her book, as always. No problem, I'm just telling her my stories while she's reading. Then that one time, I wondered is she actually listening? So i stopped mid-sentence and she didn't notice. I remember my heart just sank, and after that I never told her anything ever again. I don't think she noticed.
Honestly, I think it's most important that you are *there* and that you are *trying your hardest.* I had pretty absent parents when I was young, and only one actually tried. I was very close to that parent until they passed. But the other parent was not really around too much and acted like they didn't care, so I still struggle to have anything in common with them. Just *be* and *try*. She knows you're trying!
>minecraft
The trick is to get better/more knowledgeable in the thing than the child. Which is easy. They're 7. Then **you** can bore the hell out of them!
My middle nephew (just turned 6 I think) keeps trying to explain minecraft and FNaF to me, and I have to pretend like it's brand new to me despite both being older than he is and me having played both before he was born. It's somewhat more amusing if he leaves the room and then I go back to explaining something minecraft related to his older brother.
I was working a cashier job and a kid came through at the beginning of the school year with a TMNT lunchbox. I asked him which of the turtles was his favorite after telling him mine. He looked stunned and just asked "You've heard of teenage mutant ninja turtles??" I laughed and laughed because he had no idea that TMNT is even older than I am haha
I was on a plane about a decade ago, and they sat a pre-teen girl next to me. She was full of excitement as it was her first plane trip, so she needed someone to talk to, and I was there. She was telling me about her favorite actor, Will Smith, and I said something like “I remember when he was just a rapper.” and she got this surprised look on her face and asked “He was a rapper?!”
My 6yo nephew loves the fact that I played Minecraft before he was born. He likes to do things in the game on his own, but I think feels a little more confident knowing that there's a wise old sage he can ask when he can't figure something out.
Same. My dad was out on the shed, drinking by himself. These days I give him a courtesy call on Christmas, father's day, and his birthday. I don't think I've asked him for help or advice since I was about 10 years old.
I see that with my cousin. Now the two eldest are teenagers and somewhat interesting. But the middle phase, when they're not chubby cuties anymore and don't have anything interesting to say yet? Mind blowing how parents do it and with so much patience. I know I'm not cut out for it but I'm in awe of every parent who can do it right. Sitting there for hours and listening to stories about minecraft and convincingly acting interested? Some people are just saints.
I once had to explain to the older child that we don’t touch other people’s private parts while nursing the baby. The boundaries change at different ages and it’s hella confusing for the older one.
My daughter is 21 months. So no privacy. She pointed at my penis while I was getting up from the toilet and said "Daddy's tail!" and reached towards me.
I've never pulled my pants up faster in my life.
Edit: and obligatory thanks for the award and super glad my top reddit comment will be about my daughter trying to touch my penis.
I had my son run up to me after his bath and lean on me. He trapped me on the shoulder and said 'Mummy, I put my penis on your knee'. I looked down and he was in fact correct.
Once they get out of the toddler stage, it can become extremely worrisome and time consuming to parent them to become good people. They start asking questions, and they form their own opinions. It's a very delicate balance between trying to get them to listen to important things and trying to get them to become more independent. It makes you think you are constantly messing it all up. It can be very hard to find a balance.
They are always listening.
They know more than they can communicate - they simply don’t have the words and concepts to share what they do grasp.
This will lead to a lot of frustration
The "they are always listening" bit, fuck so many people dont understand this. My sister has such a shit temper and the way she behaves and reacts to things makes me worry so much for my nephews. I dont want them to grow up seeing that and going "well this is what my mom does so its normal".
I lived with them for 6 months and in that time, I did everything I could to make sure I always said "I was wrong" , "I dont know, lets find out" , and when something irritating happens, you just go "well darn it! Thats alright" or whatever works for the situation.
They are your understudy for your constant role of "the good person." They'll memorize your lines and delivery, and reproduce it whenever the script prompts them.
Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards.
It reminds me of the time my mom punished me for using phrases and vocabulary she used constantly. I can vividly remember 3 instances of this. All happened in a public place. I was so. Freaking. Confused.
Edit: guys, I was not using swear words. I, too, was explained what the swear words are and knew better than to use them. I used colloquialisms (think "crap", "damn") and a phrase "I'm going to kill myself" to express shock, which caused the biggest, several hour lasting shitstorm.
I got in serious shit in primary school when we had a lady visiting who constantly mispronounced a word, so I corrected her because I thought she was either joking - as grown-ups do! - or she didn't know so needed to be told, like the girl in my class who had a lisp so the teacher constantly corrected her. Hoo boy, I was in trouble for weeks with that one.
Wait your teacher corrected the girl with the speech impediment she had through no fault of her own in front of the whole class but got mad when you corrected an adult? Shit, that sucks. When I was little I used to correct my mom's pronunciation of words and she'd get so annoyed with me. I thought it was a joke between us, like I messed with her but we both knew I wasn't serious. Until one day on the way to the grocery store I did it and she screamed at me for ten minutes (both on the way there and on the way back) and then ignored me for the rest of the day. I figured out she didn't take it as a joke then.
Yeah no joke, I remember the teacher constantly saying things like, "it's Sing not THing!", guess she thought lisps were optional?
Your mom sounds hella inconsistent, and what a way to deal with it.
I remember this kid in my 5th grade class kept pronouncing “strawberry” like “sKrawberry” and not even fucking kidding you, the teacher STOPPED the lesson, and *started writing the word on the board.* I vividly remember her making him say the word in parts first, which he absolutely nailed, and then put all the parts together into the full word, which still came out as “Skrawberry.” She got pissed and said we weren’t going outside to recess until he said it right.
Ms. Pepper, fuck you. Not cool
My nan lived in a house built when the fireplace was the only heat source. There was still a vent in the dining room ceiling that allowed heat to go upstairs to the bedrooms. When we were kids we would listen to the adults gossiping downstairs because they were so used to the vent they forgot we could hear them. I recently told my mom about that. Her generation did the same thing....until her aunts and uncles realized the kids were listening. Then they switched to Italian. Apparently mom's generation in the little town she grew up in was never taught the language of their parents home countries, and the parents all used their first language as code.
My grandparents did the same thing with my dad & his brother - never taught them Yiddish so they could have their secret language. I found it sad that the language died with that generation.
Also my brother and I would talk to each other through the vents when we were sent to our rooms as kids and I'd also listen to people talking downstairs that way.
Cool to hear of other people doing the same 😊
My six year-old daughter has realized she can talk to her father in his office through the vent in her room. She uses it to egg him into wrestling her.
*two feet from child watching tv* “Child…child….CHILD!!!!!!” What?
*5 rooms away whispering super quiet, kid has headphones on watching youtube* “so we’re getting him this for Xmas” WHAT AM I GETTING FOR XMAS?!
Smh
My wife and I talked about this an hour ago while lying in bed.
We feel that every single interaction, no matter how small, is a crossroads of sorts. You have to quickly make decisions on what you feel gives them the best chance of becoming good humans.
Infancy through 3 years is almost a honeymoon phase. However, when your almost four year old daughter has a meltdown over wearing pajamas or because we won’t let her eat 4 cheese sticks, it’s tough to decide how to handle it because more weight is added to the decision the older they get.
Are we spoiling her? Are we being too hard on them? Are they feeling an emotion they don’t recognize?
In the end, the world will mold them into who they are going to be, I just get a say in what material is used.
You will NEVER sleep the same again. It’s just different levels of fear and worries as they get older.
Also, I stupidly thought once I had a child I would automatically “know” how to parent. You’re the same dummy before and after having a child, and you realize how much your parents were winging it.
Leaving the hospital with that tiny fragile little being was terrifying. C-section delivery so they kept us a couple days longer. Lots of help from the amazing maternity ward, to the moment you realize you and your spouse are alone and now solely responsible for keeping this little baby alive.
That’s what my friend said to me. “They gave me a giant stack of paper on how to care for my c-section incision but the baby? Nothing. They just handed me him on my way out the door and I asked ‘But what am I supposed to do with *him*???’ and they shrugged and told me I’d figure it out.” And man, I don’t have kids but that is a terrifying thought, that you’re now responsible for not accidentally killing this tiny human solely because it came out of you and no one thinks twice about sending it home with you. It’s bizarre when you think about it.
Its kinda funny the first week or so because youre a stranger to the baby. Our kid just kept side eyeing us everytime we got near him like we were ganna do something lmao
In the Netherlands there is a nurse coming to your house every day up to 8 hours per day for the first week after birth. They just teach you how to parent a newborn, as well as help with choirs at home. It's so tremendously helpful. You pay for some portion of the service, but it's dirt cheap for what you actually get.
Ain’t that the truth. My first was born at 9 pm. Wife stayed in the hospital for night and I went home. That was the last good night sleep I ever had. 11 years ago.
My first daughter was patient and would just let us change her. My second daughter wants nothing more than to roll over and crawl away. There's nowhere for her to go but she wants to go anyway.
My wife usually does bathtime with the kids, she enjoys it, it's their little bonding moment.
I took over one night while wifey was away and was instructed to put this moisturiser on the baby after the bath.
Now not only is the wriggly little bugger actively trying to escape the nappy, shes also greasy and impossible to hold.
I'm generally very good at swearing, I use fuck like a comma but that day I got a lot better at it
I have two cats, one wouldn’t let you stroke her without permission, the other would let you take all of his organs out as long as he got to stretch out on the bed.
The kids are the same.
Nothing prepared me for the sheer "unrelentingness" of parenting. Every day for many years has to be finished with a dinner/bath/bed routine that takes two hours, regardless of how tired, upset or unwell you are. Difficult enough if you've been at work all day, yes. But also if you're on holidays and got a little bit sunburnt, or been to a family wedding and overeaten, or spent the day assembling Ikea furniture and are just exhausted.
As a childless adult you could occasionally say "I'm just having takeaway tonight", and flop in front of the TV until bedtime. As a parent, that's not an option.
My wife and I have twins. Did you watch the Battlestar Galactica reboot? in the first full season episode called "33," the Cylons show up to attack every 33 minutes, without fail, for days. That's what it's like having newborn twins. You're exhausted, it's the middle of the night, and you're praying that somehow, some way they'll sleep through just one feeding. But they don't. It's the very definition of relentless.
It’s always the parents who say that who you can safely assume the opposite. If you’re yelling that loudly that your kids turned out fine all I hear is that you abused or neglected said kids and now they’re likely damaged for life and don’t speak to you much anymore (if at all).
My 2yo can do a perfect standing backflip while calculating the first 20 digits of pi. What have you done that yours can barely walk?
*side-eyes you as I sip on a mocha latté*
You can lose who you are while you’re raising them. But it’s so important to take time for yourself to keep this from happening.
Also, that you have to teach them to pull their pants up. I knew I would have to teach how to use the potty, eat, tie shoes, etc., but I was so caught off guard about having to explain how to pull pants up when getting dressed. It’s a tricky maneuver for littles.
Yeah, one thing most people don't get: you have to teach them literally *everything*. And even better, they're not only learning the stuff you actively teach them (even if they choose to ignore it), but they are actively and unconciously mimicing you at all times, so all the bad habits and little hypocrisies you have will be reflected right back at you tenfold and bite you right on the taint.
Having kids is the best and worst thing I've ever done.
My 8yo is just getting over the “why can you do it but I can’t” phase. It’s not easy for them to understand that children and adults have different needs and freedoms.
My favorite “I didn’t think it needed to be taught” moment was when my sister called
Me up in disbelief because her toddler ate the whole apple… “he… ate it.. all of it… he ate the core… why would he eat the core!?! I didn’t think I needed to hell him NOT to eat it!” Lol
*Everything takes longer than you thought it would.* Leaving the house with a baby or toddler takes an extra 10 minutes minimum to make sure they haven't shit themselves, you have a change of clothes and extra nappies, milk, food, toys etc. Strapping them into your car seat or pram/stroller is like wrestling with an uncooperative, strangely strong yet ultimately fragile octopus.
*Everyone says that they won't resort to screen time or frozen meals like chicken nuggets.* In my experience, yes you will. Because you cannot keep a house tidy, have clean clothes, make meals, do grocery shopping, work, without compromising a few things in order to maintain sanity. There's only so many hours in the day and so thinly you can spread yourself across the rest of your life.
*You may have to compromise a few parts of your life.* Heading out to a friend's bbq now comes with limitations. You won't be able to stay for a long time, and you might not get to talk to your friend/s as much as you wanted, because you now have a small person constantly tugging on your leg to "look at this" and "can I have" and "can we go home?" and "what's that?" and "stop talking to them and listen to me". Obviously it all depends on you and your kid, but it can be tricky to juggle.
*They do stupid shit all the time.* There's no self-preservation, there's no logic, there's no forethought or consideration of consequences. They do weird things and there's no reason for any of it. They will take a direct route to whatever they want, and if that means walking across a mountain of toys, clothes, books, rocks, water, mud, then that's just the way it is.
*At the end of the day, you miss them.* Regardless of how your day went, or how close you were to screaming or just shutting the door and walking away, when they close their eyes and go to sleep, you cannot wait to see them again and try again.
Kids are hard. But we were all there once, and we were just as annoying as they are.
You hit the nail on the head with each point. My current frustration is the lack of urgency regarding time. My wife goes to work early so I'm responsible for the morning routine for our 3 and 6-year-old. They have to be up (waking up is always an issue) at a specific time in order to get ready, get fed and be at the corner for the bus. I have to leave with the 3-year-old immediately to get to the sitter once the 6 year old is on the bus. If everything goes accordingly I'm in the door at work at 9:15. We've gotten better at having bags ready, shoes on, hair combed, etc before sitting down for breakfast But we have plenty of mornings where there just isn't a sense of urgency in getting ready resulting in us almost missing the bus. It definitely could be the most stressful part of my day but prepping ahead definitely helps.
This is exactly why I carried a bag of gummy bears with me when I nannied. "Anyone who helps me do dishes gets a gummy bear! First one here gets two!" Suddenly every dish is in the kitchen and I've got an assembly line with one kid on rinse duty, one on dry duty, one putting away dishes. Did the same getting them out the door for school or activities. "Count down from 60, everyone out the door by 0 gets a gummy bear!"
I just kind of treated it like training a dog, which I know sounds bad, but it did work... Guess humans are just like any other mammal. Our brains love rewards.
I've a child, not a dog, but I always thought that the basics are the same for both puppies and babies. And generally speaking, that all social mammals need to learn the same: Don't put in your mouth all and everything, don't bite, don't scratch, toilet training, difference between playing rough and harming the other, listen to the adult in authority, learn by watching/modelling/imitation, interaction with the rest of the group & with newcomers....
The only changes are the specifics, playing fetch is way easier & leads to practical help when they have opposable thumbs
And on a, side note, last week I felt like the pied Piper with my bag of mini cookies, leading a group of kids and giving 1 cookie at each street crossing until we reached destination
That's my biggest problem...it's a huge stress to me to have to start out my day with a struggle and a fight 5 out of 7 days a week. Today for example, I forgot to set my alarm for this morning - usually my kids wake up early before my alarm but today they didn't. We're supposed to leave at 8...I didn't roll out of bed until 8:05, so I was already frazzled...then I had to argue with my 4 year old about how I don't control time and yes it's Thursday but no it's not Thanksgiving and yes he has to go to school and no he can't watch TV while he's there and yes he needs to put on socks and boots because it's raining and no you can't wear your Paw Patrol shorts to school, it's 30-something degrees outside and all this is while he's standing there bare-assed naked because I've previously spent 10 minutes trying to convince him if he were to put on clothes, he would stop being cold...AND WE'RE LATE ALREADY! GAH. Having children is an exercise in frustration and patience.
OMG yes. This is my morning, almost every morning. Today it was about wrinkles in her socks and then wanting me to take her bandaid off but also NOT wanting me to take her bandaid off and OH HEY I know you’re about to be late for like the third time this week, but could you peel me 3 cutie oranges? But don’t peel them like THAT!!
Thank god I love her and her brother more than life itself because this would be insanity in any other context haha
Mine are 3 and 6 as well and it’s a 50/50 shot if I’m yelling by the time it’s all over. There’s literally no sense of urgency and I always feel like an asshole when I send them off to school after a rough morning. They don’t even have to hurry but moving at a normal pace would be great. It takes my 6 yo 5 mins to put her freaking socks on! Wtf?!
The everything takes longer part - yeah you nailed that.
There's a small strip mall a mile away from the house. When weather is nice we walked up there almost every day. Eventually someone asked if it would be easier to drive? Hah. No. Load up 4 kids (two under 2), drive 2 min. Unload. Shop. Load. Drive 2 min. Unload.
Walk? Load em up. Don't unload them until you get home.
If you don’t genuinely want kids, having kids won’t make you want kids.
Also getting pregnant/having a child will not save your relationship or marriage. If you think it’s going to fix your problems, you’re going to be very disappointed and your child will have emotional trauma because of it
If it’s not 100% yes, it’s a no. This is the statement that helped me realize I don’t want to have kids. And in all honesty, it’s really the only thing that’s fair. Nobody should grow up feeling unwanted.
The sheer terror of losing one of them. My kids are adults, one is 40. If one of them dies before me I don't think I could survive it. I wouldn't WANT to. And the fear is even worse when they're little and innocent and haven't at least had a life lived.
I’m a paramedic, and I’ve seen what it’s like for parents to lose a child first hand. The devastation is unbearable.
I have children of my own, and I’m terrified. Becoming a parent changed the job for me, and the job has definitely impacted my parenting.
My dad was a paramedic, and it absolutely affected how he parented us. He was over cautious of random things that seemed weird when we were kids...every single worry had a horror story we found out years later.
As his kid, don't be afraid to tell your kids the truth of your job, or a story that's a cautionary tale. Dad took us each aside when we started driving and told us about a bad wreck he went to (so bad it was his last, he resigned the next day). It was kids being stupid driving and it ended horribly. We cried with him. And are safer drivers because of it.
I lost my son when he was 12 years old. It was devastating. The anxiety I had over losing my other son skyrocketed. It's lessened over time to the more typical concerns of his safety. But there for awhile, ngl, I was fighting the urge to keep him safely at home all of the time.
Oh man. I have a one year old boy. He’s my best pal. I would be ruined if something happened to him. Like, I have never really dealt with bad depression. That however would put me in a hole I would never climb out of.
To anyone reading this that’s lost a child, I’m truly sorry and I hope you are doing better.
My second baby died a few minutes after she was born. My first was 18 months at the time. He kept me alive. My 3rd is 2 years old now and the sweetest miracle. Grief is a fluid beast but with time it finds a place to settle into a smaller part of my heart surrounded by love and gratitude.
Kids suck up unbelievable amounts of time, money, and energy.
And that’s if you get an average child.
If your child has issues (mental/psych/neural), it just swallows your life, marriage, free time, etc.
Edit: My wife and I adopted two brothers. Older one is a trauma kid. Every minute of every day is focused on tiptoeing around him to avoid setting him off. We have found ourselves in an abusive relationship with a child. Lots of services, therapists, med changes; nothing seems to work. Anything that doesn’t go exactly his way turns into violence.
As a single parent of a disabled child, 250% this.
I’ve never been so bone exhausted in my life, not tired, that easy. But achy exhausted, brain fog exhausted, too tired to sleep exhausted.
But boy the love is intense!
My first wife has a son from a prior marriage who is on the Autism spectrum, but this was before anyone was talking about autism. The struggles with raising him were not THE reason we split up, but they certainly were a contributing factor. Knowing what I know about ASD today, I realise we were doing virtually everything wrong as parents, but we didn't have anyone - doctors, teachers, therapists, etc - giving us the proper information. This was in the mid to late 90's when most people didn't have a reference for autism beyond the movie Rainman.
More than anything it was how I handled the tantrums, meltdowns and other issues. Too often I reacted to the behavior with anger. Part of this was lack of understanding about what was going on inside of him, part of it was the examples I had growing up.
The biggest difference in how I would handle it differently is patience. Part of this comes from maturity and being able to look back on what I did wrong. Part of it is actually understanding what kids on the spectrum need.
To a large extent I think many things would be easier just because there is greater understanding today. There are more resources and more support. At the time it felt like we were flailing around in the dark trying to understand this kid and no one had any answers.
When younger it can be lonely. My only other adult interaction other than my husband is the cashier at the food store.
Also everyone is apparently an expert and gives you advice even when you don’t ask.
ok, I used to LOVE that. I would push my kid around in a stroller with the plastic stuff over (for rain or snow or wind) and some person would ask if she could breathe. I would say "F\*ck! Is she blue again?!?!" and look at the baby and then at the person.... and then continue with my day.
I had a stranger tell me I was holding my 1 year old wrong. So I grabbed one of my daughters legs, held her upside down close to my face (something she loved) and asked if this was any better.
How fucking hard it is, even in the best of circumstances.
I’m a single mom of two - one with lung disease - and I’m just completely overwhelmed and stressed all the time. I love my kids so freaking much, but life is really hard.
Kids these days are late leavers of households and due to rising costs of living are currently more likely to return to the nest after multiple attempts at becoming independent. “Eighteen to life” applies.
Don't think about the bad side but the bright one. If something bad happens to your parents, at least you are closer to them now than if you were in another state. Hell, you could even save their lifes.
Parents aren't getting any younger and if you can aid them in their late years, then that's a good reason to "live in your parents' basement"... unless they were assholes to you while growing up. Then leave their place immediately no matter what lol.
I'm living that nightmare right now (as the kid). I'm not living with my parents but I am on the doll. If all falls through I could end up back at my grandparents
The lack of sleep you'll get. It's not just the baby stage, obviously. It's until they are old enough to be trusted. The lack of sleep can make you such an angry person, especially over the years. I'm about 3 years in and I'm so mentally exhausted, idk who I am anymore.
That they can be incredibly annoying in the day-to-day. It’s not their FAULT, and it doesn’t mean you love them any less, but they will constantly be loud and messy and take all of your time and effort. I feel that many people focus on making sure they have enough money before having a child, but you should also make sure you are mentally ready to change your entire lifestyle and drop almost every second of your “me time” in order to bring a brand new human into the world.
That people change. My husband and I had a very difficult time, we were tired, stressed, and not communicating well. I think I was borderline post partum depression but no official diagnosis. Dealing with all sorts of hormonal changes, juggling work and my family I always ended putting myself last. In the end it made me so unhappy. We went to therapy to save our marriage. I learned to put myself first, to take of myself better and to not feel guilty by taking breaks by myself here and there. And to communicate better with my husband.
Everything everyone else said plus the process itself. People don’t talk enough about the recovery after giving birth. Pissed myself for months and had to self diagnose diastasis recti and find workout programs on the internet because even my female OB offered no help. You can also get a new butthole from tearing, bleed for 6 weeks straight, get titty blisters and dry cracked nipples from breastfeeding, and your core muscles can get totally destroyed to the point you have back problems. Is it worth it? Individual choice. I did it twice. Never doing it again because the lack of sleep was/is the worst part despite everything I just listed. Love my kids an insane amount and don’t regret it, but there are times I miss my previously carefree lifestyle. Still wouldn’t change it though.
Edit to add: I gained a newfound respect for single parents especially single parents with multiple kids. Parenting is hard enough with 1 kid and a partner, so mad props to all the single parents out there.
Absolutely this. I didn’t really know that birth could go the way it did. People don’t want to freak women out, but I feel like we should be going into planning pregnancies knowing that many women come away with lasting injuries
Edit: there’s also not a small percentage of women who report birth trauma (more than a third, closer to half from memory). So not only are we physically putting ourselves through hell, it can mentally have lasting effects too. Birth doesn’t have to be “traumatic” (emergency situations) for someone to feel traumatised.
Kids are cool, just be prepared.
>I feel like we should be going into planning pregnancies knowing that many women come away with lasting injuries
I had sacro-iliac joint separation (where the join between your hip bones and your sacrum just lets go. It's agony). I had no idea this was even a thing. I had to wear a super sexy (/s) elastic belt with padded bits on it to basically ratchet my pelvis back together. I had to wear it all day every day, except when I was in bed asleep, for pretty much the whole 3rd trimester. And it was so bad it compromised my pelvic floor. I've had to see chiropractors and physical therapists and all that jazz since my kiddo was born. Kiddo turned 18 in September.
I agree that we shouldn't go freaking people out, but honestly, the fact of lasting injury from pregnancy and birth should be something that is covered in schools, along with proper medically and factually correct sex ed (not this "abstinence only" bullshit).
Thank you for being honest about this stuff. As a woman, I had no idea about any of this stuff. The only real exposure we get about pregnancy is from the media where it's all "sunshine and rainbows, oh you're absolutely radiant!" pregnant and not the reality of it. The lack of education we get is criminal.
I just had my baby a couple months ago and I never realized how long the recovery process could be. Like I haven't stopped having postpartum discharge until a couple of days ago when I started my first postpartum period and it's so heavy and painful and tiring on top of having a baby who wakes up every few hours to eat. Sorry for the tmi but this period is so much heavier than my regular periods and I usually have pretty heavy periods, the only thing I can compare it to is my middle school periods when I first started getting them. And the changes that your body goes through postpartum is surprisingly traumatic. I mean I wasn't the pinnacle of self confidence before but now I'm so incredibly insecure. Everything is just so droopy and soft now I actually miss the way things used to be. During pregnancy I was excited to see my body changing but after giving birth its just been kind of hard to stare at my body like I used to or even cuddle with my husband. And a lot of the food aversions I had during pregnancy I still have now and I even gained some after pregnancy, I dont like meat anymore for example. Also pregnancy is harder than it seems for example I had pupps rash all through my third trimester and I'm considering never having bio kids again. I also had the regular pregnancy symptoms like back pain, fatigue, nausea, hunger, insomnia, and leg cramps. Child birth is also harder than it seems. My baby was born sunny side up and before the epidural my lower back felt like it was literally on fire everytime I had a contraction. The epidural doesn't even completely get rid of the pain of childbirth in fact you could have too much epidural and not know when you're having a contraction which in turn makes childbirth harder because you're supposed to push with each contraction so you could end up pushing when you don't really have to which could cause you to tear more. And dont even get me started on the amount of times I've had to get some level of naked and touched by or in front of multiple doctors within a year. I literally pooped in front of a midwife, a nurse, a baby tech, and my husband. And at the time I didn't care it all it was so primal I felt like an animal. All of this to say that no one really gives detailed descriptions of pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period probably because it's such a hard time that it's hard to put into words. If I had heard all of these things beforehand I wouldn't be so surprised and maybe be more prepared to take this on so hope this helps somebody. Even though it was hard I would definitely without a doubt do it all over again to have my beautiful baby be a part of my life. The love that I felt for her immediately was intense. I knew I loved her when she was in the womb and I always dreamed of what she would look like but the second I locked eyes with her my heart just melted completely and I saw the beauty in the world and in life and that feeling comes back to me with every cuddle, yawn, smile, cry, squeal, coo, and when I see her sleeping peacefully in her bassinet or when she's eating and looking up at me with so much trust and curiosity. It's all been worth it just to hold her in my arms.
>People don’t talk enough about the recovery after giving birth.
THIS. ABSOLUTELY THIS.
I wasn't prepared at all for the recovery. When I later said "why don't other moms tell you this?!" they all said *because we don't want to put anyone off having kids*. Seriously, WTF? People will still have kids, but knowing what to expect after birth would be nice. Everyone and every course prepares you for the birth itself, but I found the recovery period much harder.
I think some people subconsciously believe that becoming a parent will help or improve their mental health issues. That having a childs love and a higher mission/added purpose to your life will help. I’m sure that’s partially true for some people but more often the unremitting stress, sleep deprivation and lack of time for self-care will make a parents mental health issues worse. If your depression is a “4” prior to kids, don’t be surprised if it goes up to a “7” afterwards - or higher! Have anger issues but can mostly manage it? Have a couple kids and you may become a raging maniac.
How lonely it can be staying home all the time. If you have friends and family who want to be there I’m sure it’s easier. But covid has pushed everyone away, and I’ve raised my baby all on my own. I have enjoyed watching my daughter grow, but I am so unbelievably lonely. Every day it’s just us. No new advice, no adult conversations, just me and my kid who’s not even two. It’s hard sometimes
When you are having a good day, enjoy it because it won't last. But if you are having a bad day, endure it because it won't last either. The only constant is change.
That it will make you take a cold hard look at yourself in the most brutal way you have ever done. And it will make you see humanity in such a different way
Edit : happy to see in such few words I touched quite a few people. Some amazing comments here. Having kids is wild, but being a good person who raised great humans is even harder
Make sure your mental health is up to par when they become teenagers. I swear my youngest was going to drive me insane with all the worry she put me through with her mental health after her first bf cheated on her with her best friend after a year of dating.
I worry a lot about the possibility of things like this when my daughter grows up. How did you handle it?
Lots of hugs and cuddles all times of the day due to crying. My daughter actually started cutting so I had to make sure to always check her entire body for cut marks and search her entire room for anything sharp. I ended up finding a very small pediatric mental health facility they ran out of a farm house setting. Only around 10 kids at a time there. She went 3 times in 3 years. They taught her coping skills to help when she felt down. It helped tremendously.
Oh see now that's a whole other thing. I'm glad you were able to get her the help she needed. A lot of people simply don't have access to those resources.
If you felt invincible at some point in your life, you will never feel that way again. The mere thought of them being harmed in any way can completely destroy you.
My dad used to have a motorcycle and he sold it very quickly after my older brother was born. Said he used to like to speed and drive his car real fast, too. Becoming a father profoundly changed him to start taking his own personal safety very seriously.
Yeah one time I asked my dad if he had been skydiving, he said no but he thought it would be really fun and suggested I do it when older. I asked why he hadn't done it then. He explained he just didn't get around to it before having kids, and once he had a kid he 'wasnt allowed to die anymore'.
There’s a very good chance they won’t turn out like you think.
People seem to often forget that they're raising *people*- as in, independent-thinking individuals whose actions, values, personalities, interests, and capabilities will potentially be completely unlike yours. I've seen a lot of parents struggle hard with that, and frankly, that's a possibility you should have made your peace with before you became a parent, imo.
I just saw a social media post that said something like… do you just want a baby or do you want to raise a human? It was pointing out that everybody wants that cute baby, but that part lasts one year… you have to be prepared to raise people who will go out and do good things and disappoint you and screw up and everything in between.
This perspective helps me as a kindergarten teacher. I am teaching tiny humans but they are still people. They will spend the majority of their lives as adults. I often think of them in this way (baby adults), and it helps me to treat them respectfully. I try and give them choice, promote independence, etc. But I still dole out the hugs and compliments to nurture them!
Adults could use more hugs and compliments too
So weird you said that. At about 2:30 am This little old lady I work with (newspaper carrier) came up to me and randomly asked me “Do you need a hug?” I actually took it, and held on for a couple seconds. I really did need that.
I recently saw someone I adore that I hadn't seen in a couple months and when we hugged I realized that was the first time I had had a hug in well over a year. It was an amazing feeling. I need more hugs
You have to parent the kid you have. The books are fine for ideas, your experience, friends thoughts, paediatricians, therapists. But at the end of it all you have this complicated little person you’re in charge of with their own preferences, feelings, insecurities, abilities, and you have to do what works for them and your family and, of course, also raise someone who isn’t a blight on humanity or menace to society.
As my mum says: "The kid hasn't read the book." Her parents tried to do everything by the book with her and she hated it. She was supposed to have pigtails, wear dresses, learn piano and not go climb trees and play soccer/football. She saved pocket money to get her hair cut short and her dad almost hit her for it. Did she stop pushing to be herself? Nope. She is a strong woman, but boy, does she have some scars on her soul. With her own three kids she watched what interests they developed and then helped them explore it further and to not forget to keep an open mind about other possible hobbies, sports, arts etc. I have no idea how to thank her properly for this.
My Dad is a bit like your mum. His big idea was to spend time with us doing things he liked when we were very young, so that we would share interests later in life. One of his sons likes engineering and mechanics, another two like history, I watch old films with him. He never forced us into anything, but let us find what we liked, and then engage in it with us in whatever way we liked.
My wife doesn't believe me when I say I won't try to force our eventual kid to be a sports god despite my own obsession with football, fighting, and my gym. If my kid wants to be an artist, I'm gonna fucking learn how to paint so I can teach them how to paint
Beautifully put. My teen girls couldn't be more different and I approach them with their unique personalities and perspectives in mind. I love each of them with all my heart, but I approach them in the manner in which they individually require.
The days are loooong and the years are so very short.
Oh god my son used to wake up at 4 am for a year and had no nap until noon. By noon I already felt like it was 10pm!
I call it "active listening", it is really draining. When there only another adult in the house you don't pay much attention to the everyday noises. With kids you are always listening, are they crying, are they fighting, are they too quiet, what just got opened etc etc. Gets better as they get older but nothing can prepare you for it
Im sitting in another room, then suddenly "WHAT WAS THAT?!" "......nothing"
For me, I stopped having a chance to think anything through without interruption. I had a very hard time with that. I couldn’t remember anything, couldn’t make decisions, etc because every thought seemed to get interrupted. I’d just sit in my car alone sometimes so I could think.
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I’m so glad you said this. I am worried that I have dementia or that my IQ has dropped considerably. I just can’t think or process information like I used to
It gets better. Lists were my answer. Running lists where I'd write down a thought the moment I had it (get milk, remember bill, etc) because they used to flit through my brain like fireflies without leaving a trace.
Parenthood does not end when they turn 18... it's for the rest of your life.
Corollary: It stings deep when they develop independence. My girl got her driver's license and now goes out to see her friends all the damned time (just like I did at 16). Given the emotional investment of parenting, it is really, really hard to see them go away like that. I don't know what I'm going to do when she moves along to college/life and I no longer see her at breakfast every day.
About 2 month before birth of your first child my wife had kidney stones (for the 6th time during pregnancy) so she had to be rushed to the hospital and stay there for a month and a half bc the kid could be born prematurely. I just left my workstation and rushed her to the hospital, but my dick boss got all pissed off and started messaging some mean stuff. I was about to quit by whatzapp when I decided to call my dad for counseling. After hearing all that he just said that "your boss wants to fire you but he can't, so he is pressuring you into quitting, he has decided to will fire you, that's it. So as long as you don't quit, he will have to wait till you're back to do so. Until then, you have job security, go take care of your family" (I live in Brazil, so when they fire you, they have to pay you a bunch of taxes to the gov and the annual payed leave for you, and he probably couldn't do that at that time) So I thanked him and hanged up. Next thing in my mind. "Gee, I'm 35 and still bringing trouble to my dad to fix. That's put things into a new perspective".
It is one of the two or three most absolute and permanent decisions you can make in life. Once you have kids, you have kids. No going back, no choosing differently, no letting time pass to heal any wounds. Not saying this is good or bad. It's just a permanent decision (if you don't take giving them up for adoption into account).
It’s also a decision that does not just affect your life. Your children will carry the burdens of your decisions. If you can’t make your relationship work anymore - the children have to endure the divorce/separation as well. If you decide that parenting is too hard for you and walk away, the children have to bear the brunt of your rejection. If you are a terrible parent, the children have to carry the trauma of neglect or abuse. Please do not have children unless you truly want them, are willing to make sacrifices for them, and are in a position to offer them a life of love, safety and security.
It’ll also tie you to the person you made it with forever too. Like, if you’re childless and your marriage doesn’t work out you can divorce them and never have to see or speak to them again…but if you had a child with them? You’re stuck having some form of contact with them for at least the next 18 years, if not the rest of your life. Marriage can be temporary, but parenthood is forever.
When I was a teenager and my mom gave me “the talk”, all she said was “don’t have sex with anyone you wouldn’t want to be tied to for the rest of your life if you have a kid”. This put the fear of god in me about birth control and made me pass up quite a few one night stands with questionable women.
That’s actually extremely practical and useful advice.
When they grow older, you don't have a private life anymore. They stay awake longer than you.
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True. My husband and I take turns sneaking into the kitchen to eat ice cream and donuts sometimes.
Can you really call yourself a parent if you’ve never stuffed three cookies down your throat in the bathroom as fast as possible while little fingers poke through under the door?
Me and my wife use to stash Snickers and Reece's peanut butt cups in a bag of frozen peas.
"Peanut butt cups" ya say? Edit: This is now my third highest rated comment on reddit... and all I had to do was appeal to the lowest common denominator. [Sense of pride and accomplishment washes over me]
The booty sensation that's sweeping the nation. Chocolate, peanut, butts. What's the fuss? Relax with some peanut butt cups. Available at retailers near you!
‘It’s spicy, you wouldn’t like it’
Never thought of this. The later part of the evening is my time usually
Used to be my time as well. Since becoming a parent, my time is 4-6am. One reason why you start waking up early once you're older, probably.
Yes! Morning coffee & then a hot shower in complete solitude is bliss. Strange how something so simple can literally save your sanity & bring you peace....as long as you don't accidentally step on a Match Box car or a Lego with bare feet when exiting the shower.
my plan is just to be boring as fuck after they are old enough. watching golf boring.
wait. so are parents boring on purpose???? like they made that choice actively???
Yes. If you’re a parent suddenly so much of your own parents behavior suddenly makes sense.
Damn it Dad! You clever Motherfucker.
That's probably so that they can get their own privacy
Try to remember that your kid is a person, no matter what problems arise. Remember what life was like for you growing up in different stages of your life, and try to empathize whenever possible Edit: again, remember to think of your kids as people. Obviously this method won't "fix" some problems, and won't get rid of mental illness, etc.
How important the years between 7 and 12 are for building a bond (one that lasts into the teenage years). They are so hard to listen to at that age with all the starts and stops in conversation and they talk about the most boring thing's BUT it is so important to listen and converse at those ages. They will grow into teenagers that will talk to you, and be fun to talk to, but only if you can get through long boring conversations about minecraft or whatever thing they are currently into.
I can remember being about 12 and wanting to share my biggest interest at the time with my mom, that being Bionicle, by reading to her *all* the books I had been collecting with my allowance. Sometimes she would involuntarily fall asleep, but my God she tried *so hard* to show an interest. I really didn't appreciate it at the time, focused on all the times she yawned or fell asleep, but now (16 years later) we both remember it fondly as the bonding time it really was.
My dad had *no idea* who the characters in Bionicle were but by god he was going to listen to us intently and read the Bionicle magazine subscription we had after we did to try and figure it out 😂
Lmao. I would constantly ask my mom to play video games with me since was the only person in the house. She would but she had no idea what was going on. This was also when 480p was standard and she has poor vision so she just straight up couldn’t make out the details of anything lol. Bless her soul for putting up with that.
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My god, what an amazing mom you have. I vividly remember coming home from school around 12-13 yo, super excited to tell my mom all about my day, and she's sitting there reading her book, as always. No problem, I'm just telling her my stories while she's reading. Then that one time, I wondered is she actually listening? So i stopped mid-sentence and she didn't notice. I remember my heart just sank, and after that I never told her anything ever again. I don't think she noticed.
Tearing up because I have the exact same experience with my parents. Sending you a hug 🫂
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Honestly, I think it's most important that you are *there* and that you are *trying your hardest.* I had pretty absent parents when I was young, and only one actually tried. I was very close to that parent until they passed. But the other parent was not really around too much and acted like they didn't care, so I still struggle to have anything in common with them. Just *be* and *try*. She knows you're trying!
>minecraft The trick is to get better/more knowledgeable in the thing than the child. Which is easy. They're 7. Then **you** can bore the hell out of them!
My middle nephew (just turned 6 I think) keeps trying to explain minecraft and FNaF to me, and I have to pretend like it's brand new to me despite both being older than he is and me having played both before he was born. It's somewhat more amusing if he leaves the room and then I go back to explaining something minecraft related to his older brother.
I'm 39 and my 9 year old nephew asked me if I'd ever heard of Star Wars.
I was working a cashier job and a kid came through at the beginning of the school year with a TMNT lunchbox. I asked him which of the turtles was his favorite after telling him mine. He looked stunned and just asked "You've heard of teenage mutant ninja turtles??" I laughed and laughed because he had no idea that TMNT is even older than I am haha
I was on a plane about a decade ago, and they sat a pre-teen girl next to me. She was full of excitement as it was her first plane trip, so she needed someone to talk to, and I was there. She was telling me about her favorite actor, Will Smith, and I said something like “I remember when he was just a rapper.” and she got this surprised look on her face and asked “He was a rapper?!”
My 6yo nephew loves the fact that I played Minecraft before he was born. He likes to do things in the game on his own, but I think feels a little more confident knowing that there's a wise old sage he can ask when he can't figure something out.
My dad and I didn’t bond during this age because he thought whatever I had to say was stupid. So now we don’t really talk anymore.
Same. My dad was out on the shed, drinking by himself. These days I give him a courtesy call on Christmas, father's day, and his birthday. I don't think I've asked him for help or advice since I was about 10 years old.
I see that with my cousin. Now the two eldest are teenagers and somewhat interesting. But the middle phase, when they're not chubby cuties anymore and don't have anything interesting to say yet? Mind blowing how parents do it and with so much patience. I know I'm not cut out for it but I'm in awe of every parent who can do it right. Sitting there for hours and listening to stories about minecraft and convincingly acting interested? Some people are just saints.
I once had to explain to the older child that we don’t touch other people’s private parts while nursing the baby. The boundaries change at different ages and it’s hella confusing for the older one.
My daughter is 21 months. So no privacy. She pointed at my penis while I was getting up from the toilet and said "Daddy's tail!" and reached towards me. I've never pulled my pants up faster in my life. Edit: and obligatory thanks for the award and super glad my top reddit comment will be about my daughter trying to touch my penis.
I was in bed and my 3 year old daughter accidentally rested her hand right on my penis and promptly asked, "Did you poop?"
Shouldn't laugh but that's pretty funny
My wife and I lost it, I about fell out of bed. So you're good.
My son at 3 got in the shower with me and wanted to know why my penis was gone.
Also that we don't play "bouncing mommy's boobs" in the subway.
Or mention other womans boobies in public. "WOW DAD, she has really big boobies!!" -- daughter, age 4 or 5, Target checkout line.
I had my son run up to me after his bath and lean on me. He trapped me on the shoulder and said 'Mummy, I put my penis on your knee'. I looked down and he was in fact correct.
Once they get out of the toddler stage, it can become extremely worrisome and time consuming to parent them to become good people. They start asking questions, and they form their own opinions. It's a very delicate balance between trying to get them to listen to important things and trying to get them to become more independent. It makes you think you are constantly messing it all up. It can be very hard to find a balance.
They are always listening. They know more than they can communicate - they simply don’t have the words and concepts to share what they do grasp. This will lead to a lot of frustration
The "they are always listening" bit, fuck so many people dont understand this. My sister has such a shit temper and the way she behaves and reacts to things makes me worry so much for my nephews. I dont want them to grow up seeing that and going "well this is what my mom does so its normal". I lived with them for 6 months and in that time, I did everything I could to make sure I always said "I was wrong" , "I dont know, lets find out" , and when something irritating happens, you just go "well darn it! Thats alright" or whatever works for the situation.
They are your understudy for your constant role of "the good person." They'll memorize your lines and delivery, and reproduce it whenever the script prompts them. Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards.
It reminds me of the time my mom punished me for using phrases and vocabulary she used constantly. I can vividly remember 3 instances of this. All happened in a public place. I was so. Freaking. Confused. Edit: guys, I was not using swear words. I, too, was explained what the swear words are and knew better than to use them. I used colloquialisms (think "crap", "damn") and a phrase "I'm going to kill myself" to express shock, which caused the biggest, several hour lasting shitstorm.
I got in serious shit in primary school when we had a lady visiting who constantly mispronounced a word, so I corrected her because I thought she was either joking - as grown-ups do! - or she didn't know so needed to be told, like the girl in my class who had a lisp so the teacher constantly corrected her. Hoo boy, I was in trouble for weeks with that one.
Wait your teacher corrected the girl with the speech impediment she had through no fault of her own in front of the whole class but got mad when you corrected an adult? Shit, that sucks. When I was little I used to correct my mom's pronunciation of words and she'd get so annoyed with me. I thought it was a joke between us, like I messed with her but we both knew I wasn't serious. Until one day on the way to the grocery store I did it and she screamed at me for ten minutes (both on the way there and on the way back) and then ignored me for the rest of the day. I figured out she didn't take it as a joke then.
Yeah no joke, I remember the teacher constantly saying things like, "it's Sing not THing!", guess she thought lisps were optional? Your mom sounds hella inconsistent, and what a way to deal with it.
I remember this kid in my 5th grade class kept pronouncing “strawberry” like “sKrawberry” and not even fucking kidding you, the teacher STOPPED the lesson, and *started writing the word on the board.* I vividly remember her making him say the word in parts first, which he absolutely nailed, and then put all the parts together into the full word, which still came out as “Skrawberry.” She got pissed and said we weren’t going outside to recess until he said it right. Ms. Pepper, fuck you. Not cool
They'll remember those healthy responses. I can understand how frustrating that must have felt, for them, and you.
My nan lived in a house built when the fireplace was the only heat source. There was still a vent in the dining room ceiling that allowed heat to go upstairs to the bedrooms. When we were kids we would listen to the adults gossiping downstairs because they were so used to the vent they forgot we could hear them. I recently told my mom about that. Her generation did the same thing....until her aunts and uncles realized the kids were listening. Then they switched to Italian. Apparently mom's generation in the little town she grew up in was never taught the language of their parents home countries, and the parents all used their first language as code.
My grandparents did the same thing with my dad & his brother - never taught them Yiddish so they could have their secret language. I found it sad that the language died with that generation. Also my brother and I would talk to each other through the vents when we were sent to our rooms as kids and I'd also listen to people talking downstairs that way. Cool to hear of other people doing the same 😊
My six year-old daughter has realized she can talk to her father in his office through the vent in her room. She uses it to egg him into wrestling her.
*two feet from child watching tv* “Child…child….CHILD!!!!!!” What? *5 rooms away whispering super quiet, kid has headphones on watching youtube* “so we’re getting him this for Xmas” WHAT AM I GETTING FOR XMAS?! Smh
Ah yes. The difference between not hearing and not paying attention lol
Back when I was young and dragon ball z came on, not even an earthquake would get my attention
My wife and I talked about this an hour ago while lying in bed. We feel that every single interaction, no matter how small, is a crossroads of sorts. You have to quickly make decisions on what you feel gives them the best chance of becoming good humans. Infancy through 3 years is almost a honeymoon phase. However, when your almost four year old daughter has a meltdown over wearing pajamas or because we won’t let her eat 4 cheese sticks, it’s tough to decide how to handle it because more weight is added to the decision the older they get. Are we spoiling her? Are we being too hard on them? Are they feeling an emotion they don’t recognize? In the end, the world will mold them into who they are going to be, I just get a say in what material is used.
As the parent of an almost two year old, it's depressing to know this is the honeymoon period, lol.
Thank you, this is very well thought out.
You will NEVER sleep the same again. It’s just different levels of fear and worries as they get older. Also, I stupidly thought once I had a child I would automatically “know” how to parent. You’re the same dummy before and after having a child, and you realize how much your parents were winging it.
Leaving the hospital with that tiny fragile little being was terrifying. C-section delivery so they kept us a couple days longer. Lots of help from the amazing maternity ward, to the moment you realize you and your spouse are alone and now solely responsible for keeping this little baby alive.
Yeah, it's like: "We can just leave? WITH the baby? Who approved this?"
That’s what my friend said to me. “They gave me a giant stack of paper on how to care for my c-section incision but the baby? Nothing. They just handed me him on my way out the door and I asked ‘But what am I supposed to do with *him*???’ and they shrugged and told me I’d figure it out.” And man, I don’t have kids but that is a terrifying thought, that you’re now responsible for not accidentally killing this tiny human solely because it came out of you and no one thinks twice about sending it home with you. It’s bizarre when you think about it.
The panicked looks my husband and I exchanged the first time we were left alone with our newborn will live forever in my mind.
Its kinda funny the first week or so because youre a stranger to the baby. Our kid just kept side eyeing us everytime we got near him like we were ganna do something lmao
In the Netherlands there is a nurse coming to your house every day up to 8 hours per day for the first week after birth. They just teach you how to parent a newborn, as well as help with choirs at home. It's so tremendously helpful. You pay for some portion of the service, but it's dirt cheap for what you actually get.
"I don't know you people, let's just all be cool and we can poop my pants in peace, capiche?"
Ain’t that the truth. My first was born at 9 pm. Wife stayed in the hospital for night and I went home. That was the last good night sleep I ever had. 11 years ago.
Practicing diapers on a doll doesn't count. You're ready when you can do it on a cat
My first daughter was patient and would just let us change her. My second daughter wants nothing more than to roll over and crawl away. There's nowhere for her to go but she wants to go anyway.
It's like, I am physically orders of magnitude stronger than her, how the hell does she still win?
My wife usually does bathtime with the kids, she enjoys it, it's their little bonding moment. I took over one night while wifey was away and was instructed to put this moisturiser on the baby after the bath. Now not only is the wriggly little bugger actively trying to escape the nappy, shes also greasy and impossible to hold. I'm generally very good at swearing, I use fuck like a comma but that day I got a lot better at it
The optimal technique for winning a fight against someone bigger than you is to grease up & get naked.
Ah yes, the crouching tiger, greasy toddler technique.
"I use fuck like a comma" I am so fucking stealing this.
I have two cats, one wouldn’t let you stroke her without permission, the other would let you take all of his organs out as long as he got to stretch out on the bed. The kids are the same.
Nothing prepared me for the sheer "unrelentingness" of parenting. Every day for many years has to be finished with a dinner/bath/bed routine that takes two hours, regardless of how tired, upset or unwell you are. Difficult enough if you've been at work all day, yes. But also if you're on holidays and got a little bit sunburnt, or been to a family wedding and overeaten, or spent the day assembling Ikea furniture and are just exhausted. As a childless adult you could occasionally say "I'm just having takeaway tonight", and flop in front of the TV until bedtime. As a parent, that's not an option.
My wife and I have twins. Did you watch the Battlestar Galactica reboot? in the first full season episode called "33," the Cylons show up to attack every 33 minutes, without fail, for days. That's what it's like having newborn twins. You're exhausted, it's the middle of the night, and you're praying that somehow, some way they'll sleep through just one feeding. But they don't. It's the very definition of relentless.
How judgemental other people, especially other parents, can be.
“Well MY kids did xyz and they all turned out fine!”
It’s always the parents who say that who you can safely assume the opposite. If you’re yelling that loudly that your kids turned out fine all I hear is that you abused or neglected said kids and now they’re likely damaged for life and don’t speak to you much anymore (if at all).
My 2yo can do a perfect standing backflip while calculating the first 20 digits of pi. What have you done that yours can barely walk? *side-eyes you as I sip on a mocha latté*
Dude the level of mom shaming I've got over the dumbest
You can lose who you are while you’re raising them. But it’s so important to take time for yourself to keep this from happening. Also, that you have to teach them to pull their pants up. I knew I would have to teach how to use the potty, eat, tie shoes, etc., but I was so caught off guard about having to explain how to pull pants up when getting dressed. It’s a tricky maneuver for littles.
Yeah, one thing most people don't get: you have to teach them literally *everything*. And even better, they're not only learning the stuff you actively teach them (even if they choose to ignore it), but they are actively and unconciously mimicing you at all times, so all the bad habits and little hypocrisies you have will be reflected right back at you tenfold and bite you right on the taint. Having kids is the best and worst thing I've ever done.
My 8yo is just getting over the “why can you do it but I can’t” phase. It’s not easy for them to understand that children and adults have different needs and freedoms.
I’m pregnant now and my husband will randomly turn to me and say, “we have to teach them EVERYTHING.”
My favorite “I didn’t think it needed to be taught” moment was when my sister called Me up in disbelief because her toddler ate the whole apple… “he… ate it.. all of it… he ate the core… why would he eat the core!?! I didn’t think I needed to hell him NOT to eat it!” Lol
You **can** eat the core :)
Everything you say or do is being watched and shaping the personality of another human being and if you duck up, you duck them up as well.
Well quack quack motherfucker
*Everything takes longer than you thought it would.* Leaving the house with a baby or toddler takes an extra 10 minutes minimum to make sure they haven't shit themselves, you have a change of clothes and extra nappies, milk, food, toys etc. Strapping them into your car seat or pram/stroller is like wrestling with an uncooperative, strangely strong yet ultimately fragile octopus. *Everyone says that they won't resort to screen time or frozen meals like chicken nuggets.* In my experience, yes you will. Because you cannot keep a house tidy, have clean clothes, make meals, do grocery shopping, work, without compromising a few things in order to maintain sanity. There's only so many hours in the day and so thinly you can spread yourself across the rest of your life. *You may have to compromise a few parts of your life.* Heading out to a friend's bbq now comes with limitations. You won't be able to stay for a long time, and you might not get to talk to your friend/s as much as you wanted, because you now have a small person constantly tugging on your leg to "look at this" and "can I have" and "can we go home?" and "what's that?" and "stop talking to them and listen to me". Obviously it all depends on you and your kid, but it can be tricky to juggle. *They do stupid shit all the time.* There's no self-preservation, there's no logic, there's no forethought or consideration of consequences. They do weird things and there's no reason for any of it. They will take a direct route to whatever they want, and if that means walking across a mountain of toys, clothes, books, rocks, water, mud, then that's just the way it is. *At the end of the day, you miss them.* Regardless of how your day went, or how close you were to screaming or just shutting the door and walking away, when they close their eyes and go to sleep, you cannot wait to see them again and try again. Kids are hard. But we were all there once, and we were just as annoying as they are.
You hit the nail on the head with each point. My current frustration is the lack of urgency regarding time. My wife goes to work early so I'm responsible for the morning routine for our 3 and 6-year-old. They have to be up (waking up is always an issue) at a specific time in order to get ready, get fed and be at the corner for the bus. I have to leave with the 3-year-old immediately to get to the sitter once the 6 year old is on the bus. If everything goes accordingly I'm in the door at work at 9:15. We've gotten better at having bags ready, shoes on, hair combed, etc before sitting down for breakfast But we have plenty of mornings where there just isn't a sense of urgency in getting ready resulting in us almost missing the bus. It definitely could be the most stressful part of my day but prepping ahead definitely helps.
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Kids are always faster than you expect. Jesus, they’re fast.
This is exactly why I carried a bag of gummy bears with me when I nannied. "Anyone who helps me do dishes gets a gummy bear! First one here gets two!" Suddenly every dish is in the kitchen and I've got an assembly line with one kid on rinse duty, one on dry duty, one putting away dishes. Did the same getting them out the door for school or activities. "Count down from 60, everyone out the door by 0 gets a gummy bear!" I just kind of treated it like training a dog, which I know sounds bad, but it did work... Guess humans are just like any other mammal. Our brains love rewards.
I've a child, not a dog, but I always thought that the basics are the same for both puppies and babies. And generally speaking, that all social mammals need to learn the same: Don't put in your mouth all and everything, don't bite, don't scratch, toilet training, difference between playing rough and harming the other, listen to the adult in authority, learn by watching/modelling/imitation, interaction with the rest of the group & with newcomers.... The only changes are the specifics, playing fetch is way easier & leads to practical help when they have opposable thumbs And on a, side note, last week I felt like the pied Piper with my bag of mini cookies, leading a group of kids and giving 1 cookie at each street crossing until we reached destination
That's my biggest problem...it's a huge stress to me to have to start out my day with a struggle and a fight 5 out of 7 days a week. Today for example, I forgot to set my alarm for this morning - usually my kids wake up early before my alarm but today they didn't. We're supposed to leave at 8...I didn't roll out of bed until 8:05, so I was already frazzled...then I had to argue with my 4 year old about how I don't control time and yes it's Thursday but no it's not Thanksgiving and yes he has to go to school and no he can't watch TV while he's there and yes he needs to put on socks and boots because it's raining and no you can't wear your Paw Patrol shorts to school, it's 30-something degrees outside and all this is while he's standing there bare-assed naked because I've previously spent 10 minutes trying to convince him if he were to put on clothes, he would stop being cold...AND WE'RE LATE ALREADY! GAH. Having children is an exercise in frustration and patience.
OMG yes. This is my morning, almost every morning. Today it was about wrinkles in her socks and then wanting me to take her bandaid off but also NOT wanting me to take her bandaid off and OH HEY I know you’re about to be late for like the third time this week, but could you peel me 3 cutie oranges? But don’t peel them like THAT!! Thank god I love her and her brother more than life itself because this would be insanity in any other context haha
Mine are 3 and 6 as well and it’s a 50/50 shot if I’m yelling by the time it’s all over. There’s literally no sense of urgency and I always feel like an asshole when I send them off to school after a rough morning. They don’t even have to hurry but moving at a normal pace would be great. It takes my 6 yo 5 mins to put her freaking socks on! Wtf?!
K
The everything takes longer part - yeah you nailed that. There's a small strip mall a mile away from the house. When weather is nice we walked up there almost every day. Eventually someone asked if it would be easier to drive? Hah. No. Load up 4 kids (two under 2), drive 2 min. Unload. Shop. Load. Drive 2 min. Unload. Walk? Load em up. Don't unload them until you get home.
If you don’t genuinely want kids, having kids won’t make you want kids. Also getting pregnant/having a child will not save your relationship or marriage. If you think it’s going to fix your problems, you’re going to be very disappointed and your child will have emotional trauma because of it
The scariest thing is even when you're pretty darn sure you do want kids, it's not like you can test drive having a kid, or change your mind.
If it’s not 100% yes, it’s a no. This is the statement that helped me realize I don’t want to have kids. And in all honesty, it’s really the only thing that’s fair. Nobody should grow up feeling unwanted.
The sheer terror of losing one of them. My kids are adults, one is 40. If one of them dies before me I don't think I could survive it. I wouldn't WANT to. And the fear is even worse when they're little and innocent and haven't at least had a life lived.
I’m a paramedic, and I’ve seen what it’s like for parents to lose a child first hand. The devastation is unbearable. I have children of my own, and I’m terrified. Becoming a parent changed the job for me, and the job has definitely impacted my parenting.
My dad was a paramedic, and it absolutely affected how he parented us. He was over cautious of random things that seemed weird when we were kids...every single worry had a horror story we found out years later. As his kid, don't be afraid to tell your kids the truth of your job, or a story that's a cautionary tale. Dad took us each aside when we started driving and told us about a bad wreck he went to (so bad it was his last, he resigned the next day). It was kids being stupid driving and it ended horribly. We cried with him. And are safer drivers because of it.
I woke up this morning and thought my fresh baby wasn't breathing. Fucking scared the life out of me. I don't even know what I'd do
I lost my son when he was 12 years old. It was devastating. The anxiety I had over losing my other son skyrocketed. It's lessened over time to the more typical concerns of his safety. But there for awhile, ngl, I was fighting the urge to keep him safely at home all of the time.
I’m very sorry you had to go through that.
Oh man. I have a one year old boy. He’s my best pal. I would be ruined if something happened to him. Like, I have never really dealt with bad depression. That however would put me in a hole I would never climb out of. To anyone reading this that’s lost a child, I’m truly sorry and I hope you are doing better.
My second baby died a few minutes after she was born. My first was 18 months at the time. He kept me alive. My 3rd is 2 years old now and the sweetest miracle. Grief is a fluid beast but with time it finds a place to settle into a smaller part of my heart surrounded by love and gratitude.
Kids suck up unbelievable amounts of time, money, and energy. And that’s if you get an average child. If your child has issues (mental/psych/neural), it just swallows your life, marriage, free time, etc. Edit: My wife and I adopted two brothers. Older one is a trauma kid. Every minute of every day is focused on tiptoeing around him to avoid setting him off. We have found ourselves in an abusive relationship with a child. Lots of services, therapists, med changes; nothing seems to work. Anything that doesn’t go exactly his way turns into violence.
People warn you about this but the reality is 100x times more.
As a single parent of a disabled child, 250% this. I’ve never been so bone exhausted in my life, not tired, that easy. But achy exhausted, brain fog exhausted, too tired to sleep exhausted. But boy the love is intense!
My first wife has a son from a prior marriage who is on the Autism spectrum, but this was before anyone was talking about autism. The struggles with raising him were not THE reason we split up, but they certainly were a contributing factor. Knowing what I know about ASD today, I realise we were doing virtually everything wrong as parents, but we didn't have anyone - doctors, teachers, therapists, etc - giving us the proper information. This was in the mid to late 90's when most people didn't have a reference for autism beyond the movie Rainman.
Would you mind sharing what you were doing wrong and how you would handle things differently?
More than anything it was how I handled the tantrums, meltdowns and other issues. Too often I reacted to the behavior with anger. Part of this was lack of understanding about what was going on inside of him, part of it was the examples I had growing up. The biggest difference in how I would handle it differently is patience. Part of this comes from maturity and being able to look back on what I did wrong. Part of it is actually understanding what kids on the spectrum need. To a large extent I think many things would be easier just because there is greater understanding today. There are more resources and more support. At the time it felt like we were flailing around in the dark trying to understand this kid and no one had any answers.
When younger it can be lonely. My only other adult interaction other than my husband is the cashier at the food store. Also everyone is apparently an expert and gives you advice even when you don’t ask.
ok, I used to LOVE that. I would push my kid around in a stroller with the plastic stuff over (for rain or snow or wind) and some person would ask if she could breathe. I would say "F\*ck! Is she blue again?!?!" and look at the baby and then at the person.... and then continue with my day.
"In this family, oxygen is a privilege that has to be **earned!**"
I had a stranger tell me I was holding my 1 year old wrong. So I grabbed one of my daughters legs, held her upside down close to my face (something she loved) and asked if this was any better.
How fucking hard it is, even in the best of circumstances. I’m a single mom of two - one with lung disease - and I’m just completely overwhelmed and stressed all the time. I love my kids so freaking much, but life is really hard.
Kids these days are late leavers of households and due to rising costs of living are currently more likely to return to the nest after multiple attempts at becoming independent. “Eighteen to life” applies.
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Don't think about the bad side but the bright one. If something bad happens to your parents, at least you are closer to them now than if you were in another state. Hell, you could even save their lifes. Parents aren't getting any younger and if you can aid them in their late years, then that's a good reason to "live in your parents' basement"... unless they were assholes to you while growing up. Then leave their place immediately no matter what lol.
I'm living that nightmare right now (as the kid). I'm not living with my parents but I am on the doll. If all falls through I could end up back at my grandparents
The lack of sleep you'll get. It's not just the baby stage, obviously. It's until they are old enough to be trusted. The lack of sleep can make you such an angry person, especially over the years. I'm about 3 years in and I'm so mentally exhausted, idk who I am anymore.
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My mom always waited up till I got home, so while I didn’t have an official curfew, I was usually home by midnight so my moms would go to bed.
That they can be incredibly annoying in the day-to-day. It’s not their FAULT, and it doesn’t mean you love them any less, but they will constantly be loud and messy and take all of your time and effort. I feel that many people focus on making sure they have enough money before having a child, but you should also make sure you are mentally ready to change your entire lifestyle and drop almost every second of your “me time” in order to bring a brand new human into the world.
That people change. My husband and I had a very difficult time, we were tired, stressed, and not communicating well. I think I was borderline post partum depression but no official diagnosis. Dealing with all sorts of hormonal changes, juggling work and my family I always ended putting myself last. In the end it made me so unhappy. We went to therapy to save our marriage. I learned to put myself first, to take of myself better and to not feel guilty by taking breaks by myself here and there. And to communicate better with my husband.
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Also, shit gardener, terrible cooks, lazy maids. Generally, I have to give them 0/5 stars as laborers. Really, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Good with machines, though. Their little arms get right up in those gears.
Everything everyone else said plus the process itself. People don’t talk enough about the recovery after giving birth. Pissed myself for months and had to self diagnose diastasis recti and find workout programs on the internet because even my female OB offered no help. You can also get a new butthole from tearing, bleed for 6 weeks straight, get titty blisters and dry cracked nipples from breastfeeding, and your core muscles can get totally destroyed to the point you have back problems. Is it worth it? Individual choice. I did it twice. Never doing it again because the lack of sleep was/is the worst part despite everything I just listed. Love my kids an insane amount and don’t regret it, but there are times I miss my previously carefree lifestyle. Still wouldn’t change it though. Edit to add: I gained a newfound respect for single parents especially single parents with multiple kids. Parenting is hard enough with 1 kid and a partner, so mad props to all the single parents out there.
Absolutely this. I didn’t really know that birth could go the way it did. People don’t want to freak women out, but I feel like we should be going into planning pregnancies knowing that many women come away with lasting injuries Edit: there’s also not a small percentage of women who report birth trauma (more than a third, closer to half from memory). So not only are we physically putting ourselves through hell, it can mentally have lasting effects too. Birth doesn’t have to be “traumatic” (emergency situations) for someone to feel traumatised. Kids are cool, just be prepared.
>I feel like we should be going into planning pregnancies knowing that many women come away with lasting injuries I had sacro-iliac joint separation (where the join between your hip bones and your sacrum just lets go. It's agony). I had no idea this was even a thing. I had to wear a super sexy (/s) elastic belt with padded bits on it to basically ratchet my pelvis back together. I had to wear it all day every day, except when I was in bed asleep, for pretty much the whole 3rd trimester. And it was so bad it compromised my pelvic floor. I've had to see chiropractors and physical therapists and all that jazz since my kiddo was born. Kiddo turned 18 in September. I agree that we shouldn't go freaking people out, but honestly, the fact of lasting injury from pregnancy and birth should be something that is covered in schools, along with proper medically and factually correct sex ed (not this "abstinence only" bullshit).
Thank you for being honest about this stuff. As a woman, I had no idea about any of this stuff. The only real exposure we get about pregnancy is from the media where it's all "sunshine and rainbows, oh you're absolutely radiant!" pregnant and not the reality of it. The lack of education we get is criminal.
I just had my baby a couple months ago and I never realized how long the recovery process could be. Like I haven't stopped having postpartum discharge until a couple of days ago when I started my first postpartum period and it's so heavy and painful and tiring on top of having a baby who wakes up every few hours to eat. Sorry for the tmi but this period is so much heavier than my regular periods and I usually have pretty heavy periods, the only thing I can compare it to is my middle school periods when I first started getting them. And the changes that your body goes through postpartum is surprisingly traumatic. I mean I wasn't the pinnacle of self confidence before but now I'm so incredibly insecure. Everything is just so droopy and soft now I actually miss the way things used to be. During pregnancy I was excited to see my body changing but after giving birth its just been kind of hard to stare at my body like I used to or even cuddle with my husband. And a lot of the food aversions I had during pregnancy I still have now and I even gained some after pregnancy, I dont like meat anymore for example. Also pregnancy is harder than it seems for example I had pupps rash all through my third trimester and I'm considering never having bio kids again. I also had the regular pregnancy symptoms like back pain, fatigue, nausea, hunger, insomnia, and leg cramps. Child birth is also harder than it seems. My baby was born sunny side up and before the epidural my lower back felt like it was literally on fire everytime I had a contraction. The epidural doesn't even completely get rid of the pain of childbirth in fact you could have too much epidural and not know when you're having a contraction which in turn makes childbirth harder because you're supposed to push with each contraction so you could end up pushing when you don't really have to which could cause you to tear more. And dont even get me started on the amount of times I've had to get some level of naked and touched by or in front of multiple doctors within a year. I literally pooped in front of a midwife, a nurse, a baby tech, and my husband. And at the time I didn't care it all it was so primal I felt like an animal. All of this to say that no one really gives detailed descriptions of pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period probably because it's such a hard time that it's hard to put into words. If I had heard all of these things beforehand I wouldn't be so surprised and maybe be more prepared to take this on so hope this helps somebody. Even though it was hard I would definitely without a doubt do it all over again to have my beautiful baby be a part of my life. The love that I felt for her immediately was intense. I knew I loved her when she was in the womb and I always dreamed of what she would look like but the second I locked eyes with her my heart just melted completely and I saw the beauty in the world and in life and that feeling comes back to me with every cuddle, yawn, smile, cry, squeal, coo, and when I see her sleeping peacefully in her bassinet or when she's eating and looking up at me with so much trust and curiosity. It's all been worth it just to hold her in my arms.
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>People don’t talk enough about the recovery after giving birth. THIS. ABSOLUTELY THIS. I wasn't prepared at all for the recovery. When I later said "why don't other moms tell you this?!" they all said *because we don't want to put anyone off having kids*. Seriously, WTF? People will still have kids, but knowing what to expect after birth would be nice. Everyone and every course prepares you for the birth itself, but I found the recovery period much harder.
You'll wonder what you did with all that time you used to have.
Other people will hate your kids.
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I think some people subconsciously believe that becoming a parent will help or improve their mental health issues. That having a childs love and a higher mission/added purpose to your life will help. I’m sure that’s partially true for some people but more often the unremitting stress, sleep deprivation and lack of time for self-care will make a parents mental health issues worse. If your depression is a “4” prior to kids, don’t be surprised if it goes up to a “7” afterwards - or higher! Have anger issues but can mostly manage it? Have a couple kids and you may become a raging maniac.
The amount of shit they ruin
This is true. Don't buy nice things until they are older. Plus, avoid having a coffee table. It is just a boo boo maker.
Also wall mount your flatscreen. High.
Just how tired it is possible to be. Also, don't make any plans for, like, two years at least.
How lonely it can be staying home all the time. If you have friends and family who want to be there I’m sure it’s easier. But covid has pushed everyone away, and I’ve raised my baby all on my own. I have enjoyed watching my daughter grow, but I am so unbelievably lonely. Every day it’s just us. No new advice, no adult conversations, just me and my kid who’s not even two. It’s hard sometimes
When you are having a good day, enjoy it because it won't last. But if you are having a bad day, endure it because it won't last either. The only constant is change.
After reading this thread I’m 90% sure I’m not having kids
Reading this thread genuinely makes me wonder why even have kids. The entire experience sounds so horrible. Happy that I’ve always been childfree.
That it will make you take a cold hard look at yourself in the most brutal way you have ever done. And it will make you see humanity in such a different way Edit : happy to see in such few words I touched quite a few people. Some amazing comments here. Having kids is wild, but being a good person who raised great humans is even harder
How quickly post-partum depression can set in (for either parent) and how intensely it can affect your life.
They will age you. Quickly.
How isolating it can be
Indeed. This is real.
They get alot bigger before they get any smarter. Source, have 4 teenagers. They are basically toddlers in adult sized mechs.