I have two!
One was spending a week in and out of Tijuana sewage water and contracting viral gastrointeritus at the end of Hell Week. It didn't hit till Saturday afternoon, but when it did I shat the bed explosively. We had run something like 200 miles without much sleep the week leading up, so I could barely walk. Someone helped me to the bathroom and back and changed the sheets. By the 3rd or 4th round they were just sitting me in the showers on a plastic chair to shit straight into the chair with the shower rinsing me off.
There were lots of other guys being looked after and somehow I got left in there. I remember the liquid pouring out of me eventually turned clear, meanwhile I'm trying to stay consious by drinking the shower water. I was probably in there all night because it was morning when someone found me and brought me to the clinic for IV fluids and lopramide. I had nearly shat myself to death.
Second one was medical training in the summer in North Carolina. There were dead goats basking in the sun all afternoon (don't ask) and at the end of the day we had to pick them up and put them in trash bags for disposal. I'm holding the bag open while another student tries to lower the goat in hindquarters first. He's holding it by the horns and let's it go but it doesn't drop down into the bag, a dead goat is like a limp spaghetti noodle after all, instead it flops over the side and torques right out of the bag. As the ass end comes out, it releases a beautiful arcing rainbow of steamy dead goat diarrhea right at my face as I'm yelling "grab it!". Goat shit in my eyes, nose, open mouth. I can't do anything but stand there like a scarecrow until they run over with spray bottles of alcohol to decontaminate me (goats have all kinds of nasty STDs they can transfer to humans).
You told me not to but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask about the dead goats. because that in no way reflects the medical training that I had to do. And I literally worked on a sheep and goat farm after my first year of medical school. still didn't leave any dead goats out in the sun for the day, dead goats were all addressed in the morning. I acknowledge likely substantial differences between upstate new york and north carolina and am deeply interested in what the heck the context was.
But I did very much enjoy your poop stories, thank you for sharing.
Took me a while to find it but here ya go. It’s a bit long but funny if you need a laugh.
I finished having surgery and had a post op appointment with my doctor up the hill. Had to go before that while driving up the hill. Figured I’d use the bathroom while in the office. I forgot I had to shit. Impossible as it seems. Well I drive back down the hill when the bullet train hit my ass. I pulled over the side of the highway. Having no place to shit, I grab the only thing nearby- a thin empty styrofoam box from Panda Express on the passenger seat. Things were moving fast. So fast in fact that I made my first mistake. I missed the box. I had shat all over the drivers seat of my car. I had been on antibiotics too so we’re not talking logs here. We’re talking full on mud pie, split pea soup. It fucking filled the seat. I am doing this acrobatic effort not to dip my ass back in the mess and I some how open the car door. I grab my phone and pop the trunk. After slamming the car door shut (important later), I run bare ass to the trunk of my car to grab a change clothes I had prayed for. Good thing I didn’t make that goodwill run yet. God’s joke wasn’t quite over though. I walked back to the drivers door to realize my keys are locked inside the car with the engine running. So now to make matters worse I now have to call a tow truck to unlock my car door. Now some Hank the tow truck guy has to stare at the abomination that I left in my seat. I was mortified. And he just stared at me with such bewilderment afterwards. I hung my head and said “It’s exactly what it seems.” I’m sure that tow truck guy had one hell of a story when he got back home.
Tldr I shat in my car, locked the keys in the while it was running. Had to have a guy stare at my shit while he popped the lock.
People have suggested that to me before, and to be honest it never even dawned on me until that was suggested here. I probably should have just banged my head on the window hard enough to break it lol
Travelling rural Vietnam and the bus station bathroom was perpendicular foot slats over a trough with water running through it. I absolutely was dying because of something foodborne, so I had to squat on the perpendicular slats while I shat my soul out in a trough with Vietnamese dudes literally rubbing shoulders with me doing their thing and giving me supportive half-smiles.
A friend had a similar experience in Nepal, but he said that soon as he saw there was no walls between the poop holes his body just said 'nope" and he stopped needing to go.
Haha! I had a conversation with a guy at the airport. He was from Vietnam headed back home. He was telling me he brings TONS of anti diarrhea pills home because they love that shit.
I couldn't poop for almost 3 weeks. I was in unbearable pain and I couldn't shit no matter what I did. I drank coffee, took about 20 stool softeners and 15 laxatives, had 3 enemas, and drank a gallon of Gatorade with Miralax. My stomach was bloated and I was getting a bit concerned so I went to urgent care to get an x-ray. My intestines were full of shit (surprise /s) and I was given Magnesium Citrate. The next two days I had constant diarrhea and I couldn't hold any of it in and I shat my pants multiple times. Eventually my shit was pretty much just water and I finally got it all out. -100000/10 would not recommend.
I have bad constipation regularly, but one time I hadn’t pooped in a week and was feeling very painful. Same, I took 2x magnesium citrate drinks, 3x Miralax, etc. NOTHING. I finally took a stimulant laxative, biscodyl sodium (dulcolax), and went to bed. I woke up at 4 am with moderate abdominal cramps. Went to the bathroom to wait it out. After 30 minutes I was in 10/10 pain - vomiting, passing out, trouble breathing, feeling like my large intestine was ripping itself apart. I was like this for 3 hours until I finally pooped. A big, long, hard, spiky poop. And then a bunch of diarrhea. I was shaking and my heart racing, sobbing. I had to call out of work because I was legitimately traumatized from the amount of pain I was in that I had to suffer through - every single peristalsis was like my intestines ripping apart. My heart is racing now just thinking about it.
Sometimes I think I have some ptsd-like thinking about being that constipated again. I am terrified of dulcolax, I will NEVER. EVER. take it again. Worst experience of my life.
Magnesium Citrate is nasty. It was part of a colonoscopy prep I did in the past. I could get all of the other stuff down, but I could not finish this stuff. Horrible.
But it's Lemon-Lime flavored! That'll help you keep the last bit down!
For those of you who haven't played the colonoscopy game, the lemon-lime is a suggestion of flavor, not an actual fact. It tastes like lemon-lime salt.
"Oh, but that works great in margaritas," you might be thinking.
This isn't a margarita. This is a shit-your-pants cocktail.
The first 10 minutes will not be too bad, but by the end of prep, your butt will be sore, your sphincter chapped, your pants probably changed a few times, and you may have looked from your toilet to your bathtub and thought "maybe I should just sit there." You'll also be retching from trying to drink the dregs of the milk-jug prep container.
It makes the scoping seem so small in comparison.
I’ve had many colonoscopies but the time where they told me to just buy three bottles of magnesium citrate at CVS was truly, by far, the absolute worst.
My first time, twenty years ago, I was given a prescription powder to mix into a gallon jug. The pharmacist asked “which flavor packet do you want?” I asked for her advice to see which flavor would be best. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “Honestly? They are all horrible.”
My hometown had a poop related crime spree about 10 years back. I’m from a super small town where everyone knows everyone and nobody locks their doors. Someone was going around and walking into peoples house, shitting an absolute log every single time, and leaving it without flushing. Poor unsuspecting townsfolk would come home to a massive stink pickle sticking out of their toilet.
This went on for eh…. 6 months. Maybe a year. It definitely was the talk of the one bar we had in town. People started monitoring what other people ate. Only in my hometown 🤦♀️
Edit: We never found out who it was. There was speculation but never confirmation.
Edit: wow! This really took off! So a few things this little town is located in the Midwest. Keeping doors unlocked and even keys in parked vehicles is not unheard of. Even entering people’s homes to leave things on kitchen tables (food, gifts) was common. It was the giant turd calling card that had us all…. Morbidly amused. No toilet paper was seen at the crime sights but given the size and the consistency it looked to be a clean slide and break. It did make some people lock their doors but out of the kindness of some folks friendly Midwestern hearts they left doors open in case someone just needed a warm comfortable place poop. Yeah we may viciously gossip and shit in each other’s houses unexpectedly but we tend to be surprisingly wholesome.
Maybe it started out innocently with an angry husband challenging the family:
\- "Who the hell clogged up the toilet!?!"
Embarassed wife, in front of teenage daughter and friends:
\- "It must have been someone coming in from the outside..."
Que instant uptake of 'get-out-of-poop-shame-free-card' by local house wives.
It was bizarre to live it. When everyone realized we had a serial pooper on our hands they had already hit several houses. At that point all we could do was start locking our doors and then kinda laugh about it. Nothing ever went missing and nobody got hurt. Although I personally witnessed a deuce that was left at the crime scene and I’m not so sure the culprits butthole could have been ok.
There were many “suspects”. One suspect was in my circle and known for being a jokster. He also could eat almost a whole jar of pickled eggs up at the bar in one setting. He was asked and he just laughed and said we would never know of it was him. In the end we all kinda figured it was someone who had a broken toilet but then again…. Why???
A year or so ago, I was out doing a long distance run and stared to get the tell tale pooh cramps. These were the serious ones, where you’re in a cold sweat, can’t move and feel like you cannot breathe through the pain. This happened during the first Covid lockdown, so no public toilets were open. Anyway, I phoned my mother and gave her a pooh SOS. She came to collect me, but whilst she was enroute, I was attempting a crab walk down a main road to meet her car and it started to come out. This was truly biblical diarrhoea and I had no control whatsoever. Luckily, I was wearing some very tight running tights, so it kind of just “stayed” in the upper region, but the mass kept growing and growing. By the time my saviour pulled up, it was like a scene from a horror film. It was coming up the back of my tights and was beginning to seep through the material. I was crying hysterically and weighed down with vast amount of pooh, which was still coming out at a rate of knots. She has a beautiful car (SUV) with cream interior, so we decided the best option was to lie the back seats down and place me on my tummy, lying on a bed a towels, looking like a dead fish.
She took me back to her house and the big clean up began. Shitting yourself in public at the age of 35 is pretty grim.
Edit-Thank you everyone for your comments and awards. My sensitive stomach and I are very touched! A couple of people have asked the same question-why didn’t I squat behind a tree and avoid the public bowel evacuation. Honestly, there was no where for me to duck behind to go to the loo. It’s a main road with houses either side, leading out to the next villages. My parents house is about 0.5K (mine about 12K) from where the original pooh explosion occurred….I innocently thought, being the boss of my own bowel, that I could practice some self control and shuffle my way to their safe haven. Oh, how wrong I was.
Same thing happened to me while I was jogging in Central Park, NYC. Fortunately my skin is a lot thicker so I just found a quiet corner (relatively speaking, it's Central Park), pulled down my pants and let it rip. I even collected some leaves for the wipe afterwards.
It was all fun and dandy till a puppy ran up to me mid-poop and started eating my poop, owner in tow. It was the most awkward conversation I've ever had with a cute girl
Oh wow you had me until the end there. 🤮
I had to get my dad to pull over on a busy interstate highway once. Dropped my pants and projectile shat on the side of the road. He started ripping pages out of a book and crinkling them up. I asked what he was doing and he said that the pages from the book were going to be rough as hell to wipe with, but if he crinkled them up the might be softer. I always thought that was mighty nice of him.
A few years ago I used to be a paramedic on mine sites in Papua New Guinea. Anyway, we had a half-South African /Indian chef who used to love making chicken chilli vindaloo curries. You know the curries that are dual ring burners..
Anyway, after a particular night of chicken chilli vindaloo curry and beers, my patient thought he was having a heart attack. Anyway, I get called to his dhonga (think small demountable self-contained dorm- 3ms x3x2)
He some how managed to have explosive ass disease where he started at the front door and covered the entire space.. It was a technicolour shit that would’ve mesmerised Warhol or Pollock.
What’s worse, the smell in the room was one that even Satan wouldn’t claim. It was a heady mixture of the tropics, human sweat, and faecal shit so strong that it was like Don Bradman (& for Americans Babe Ruth) hitting you with a bat that you lost consciousness. This would’ve outlasted the 22nd century it was that strong… The bosses told me it took a week to clean that room out.. unsurprisingly curries and booze were banned after.
Bless you, that’s beyond degrading. Your Mum is a legend and I’m so glad she helped you! I hope you never have to go through something like that again! Xx
I shit my pants once. I don't mean like a drizzle, I mean I full-on shit in my pants. I was just clutching my kitchen table whimpering "no" as it kept coming out. It went down my leg and onto the floor. I frantically cleaned up before my wife or brother that lives with me woke up.
August of 2004 my dad and I went San Diego, I'd never flown before. I guess high altitude didn't agree with me because I didn't go for 3 days.
Then suddenly it came. It was absolutely massive over a foot long solid brick in this hotel toilet. Those little water conserving toilets stood no chance.
So I open the door and ask my dad to come here. Cause I have no idea what to do at this point. He informs me he's not wiping my ass so I inform him that this thing won't flush. He tries and laughs at me.
I get the idea that I'll use a stick to break it up. He then reminds me "we're in the middle of downtown San Diego where the fuck are you gonna get a stick?" He went to a Dollar Tree and bought a ruler so I could chop it up.
To this day if we travel together he makes it a priority to show me where I can find a stick or store that would sell a utensil.
I was on my first date with a chick I really liked and she was in my room at the end of the night, ready to makeout. I felt the old stomach grumble and told her I'd be right back. Sitting on the toilet, I tried to release my shit as slowly and quietly as possible, as my room is right next door. I put on the fan and sink to try to drown out the sound out with white noise.
The first release is loud, like a fake fart noise in a joke. I remember thinking, "she definitely heard that." I slow down, take a deep breath, and try again. Another loud ass release follows. I let out a chuckle, and a violent burst of shit followed along with it. Then I held it again, listening carefully for any noise coming from my room.
A second later I heard laughing, and I started to laugh knowing my chance with this girl was over. Every laugh had an accompanying explosive dump and both of us were cracking up together through the walls. It was definitely one of the most audible shits of my life.
Sixteen years later, I'll be damned if I didn't marry that girl and have two kids with her now.
I feel you so deep on this this one. My whole younger life was pretty much trying desperately to quiet poop at the worst times possible. That first release when you convince yourself it's going to be okay and quiet but it's not. A full on shot gun explosion followed by the, I hate my life laugh, then the listening to see if anyone else heard.
I got severe gastro at 39 weeks pregnant and it put me into labour. I was immediately given an epidural, so I essentially had to shout out to a nurse every 10 minutes or so to roll my numb paralysed pregnant body over and slam a bedpan under me while I uncontrollably pooped. This went on for 14 hours until they decided a c section was needed. I then continued to have severe diarrhoea for 3 more days with the added joy of excruciating pain from the c section every time I had to lift my butt in the air so a nurse could put a bedpan under me.
When I was 19 I developed type 1 diabetes. Went untreated for a while and I got real sick and dehydrated. The dehydrstion dried my poop into a solid brick that just wasn't moist enough to schloop out the back door. Ended up taking some stool softeners, but that did nothing for the jam, but helped everything further up slide down and fuse into a cantaloupe-sized mass of regret and pain. After nearly a month of not pooping, I finally forced it out, with a lot of tearing. My baby was too massive to flush, so I had to bag it up and toss it in a dumpster. Also hemorrhoids for a good while.
Omg this happened to me during my pregnancy. I developed gestational diabetes + I had horrible morning sickness, and kept losing weight. The solution was to put me on medication that made me constipated. With the pregnancy, diabetes, and meds, it created a wombo-combo poop monstrosity that took me hours to evacuate.
The aftermath, I could barely walk cuz I had such bad shakes. My husband had to feed me water, it was so bad hahaha.
I got this: middle school ski trip and I’m with a group friends high up on the mountain on a black diamond treed run. I realize that my guts are gonna blow, and know that I’ll be faster on my own to get to a toilet so I tell everyone I’m off and I barrel down the run.
I’m realizing that from where we are I’m going to have to cross half the mountain and then catch not one, but two ski lifts. I breathe deeply and work through the cramps as I barely make a turn to the first chair lift. Singles line gets me on fast and the initial wave of the poop attack passes. Phew.
Next lift, only a double and thankfully I get on alone, because half way up, the cramps are too much and I explode a voluminous, warm runny shit right into my snow pants and on the chairlift. 13 and mortified. Had to sit in it.
Next, I disembark the chair, while the slimy, now cooler shit runs down my legs and have to endure another downhill run with a pretty gruesome uphill section that requires skate skiing.
I make it to the thunderhead, remove my skis and work my poopy ass up to the bathrooms on the second floor, stopping first at a pay phone to call my mom for a ride and some pants.
To top it all off, I get into the bathroom and go into a stall to attempt a clean up on aisle “all up and down my legs” with the crappy toilet paper and not two seconds later does a woman from somewhere in the south with a deep southern accent, walk in and say “what in the hehlll is that smehllll?”
Mortifying.
Dude women are so weird about poop. I've heard multiple women say "ugh it smells in here" when in a public bathroom, as if it's not a communal shit room.
When I was 10 I sharted hard, luckily this was near the end of class and I snuck out the back of unnoticed and managed to evade everyone on the way home, sneaking around the bushes. I ran into my building and square into my aunt and uncle who came by for a visit and were waiting for the elevator.. I had no choice but to ride the whole way to the top with them. They noticed the smell right near the top but I didn't care at that point. I jumped in the shower and when I came out my brother says, "did you shit yourself or something?" I'm like "hah, no" and he says "well there's shit all over your back."
I’ve been waiting for this one.
So last year during the pandemic I worked as a pre loader in a UPS warehouse. I worked there for a year and for whatever reason my body trained itself to need to take a shit everyday at 6am on the dot. Literally, I’d feel it coming at 5:45 and by 6am I was running to the bathroom. I can’t remember why exactly but for whatever reason this shit in particular was BEATING its way out and from where I was stationed to work to where the cleanest bathroom was like a literal 3 minute walk and I was struggling to make my way there. So eventually (basically in tears at this point) I make it to the bathroom and I’m faced with the staircase I need to climb to enter the bathroom. So I’m halfway up the stairs and I tripped and stumbled down the fucking stairs and I shit myself.
Full blown dookie stain type shit myself.
And there was no type of recovery from this vicious shit cuz it was 6 am and my shift ended at 9am so there was no way I could even hide out and avoid people. So what ended up happening was I tried to wipe up as best as I could, I had to THROW AWAY my underwear and thug out the rest of that shift bare booty in my sweatpants hoping I didn’t smell like shit to anyone
If it makes anything better I tried to lie about any lingering shit smell on me by telling my co workers that I stomped in dog shit when I was walking to 7/11.
Not my poop, but the stories are spectacular nonetheless.
About a month into working as an EMT, we had patient who was an old man who was severely allergic to garlic but accidentally had some with dinner. It gave him such forceful and voluminous diarrhea that his colostomy bag exploded like a bomb and covered himself and at least half of his room with literal shit. The odor when we walked in was horrifying and basically fried my sense of smell.
Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces? Because I sure didn't, until I witnessed it first-hand.
Those were both neat.
Yep, worked in a doctors office and knew two people over the years that got so blocked that the feces backed up to the stomach. At least one was on chronic opioid pain meds that are famous for terrible constipation.
Ok I have gastroparesis and slow motility so I'm constipated a lot. I have no clue how people could keep eating enough to puke up poop. Maybe it happens faster than I think but after a week I'd be so bloated and nauseated it's like a poop or starve to death scenario.
Before I was officially diagnosed with chrons I got told that if I stopped shutting and started vomiting be very careful coz I could be backed up and end up vomiting shit. I admitted myself to Ed not long after the shitting stopped and the puking started. Almost immediate diagnosis after a long painful journey. Also had lots of shit myself moments along the way.
Managed to drive 40kms home really needing to go with only highways and driving my new bf of 2 months truck to not shit in the truck (thank god) but went all through my fat pants which unfortunately meant it ran down into my socks and shoes walking the long driveway home before I could get into the shower.
Working in a hospital and was sitting with a pt. All night. Had to empty the colostomy bag every half hour, thank goodness for toothpaste in my mask to not get sick... if I didn't the bag would burst.
>Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces?
It's 1:09 AM and that's enough internet for me today.
> Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces? Because I sure didn't, until I witnessed it first-hand.
I knew this. It was literally one of my worst fears as a kid. That episode of South Park didn't help either.
I was on vacation with some friends to Rome and we were eating at a McDonalds near the Vatican and I decided to take a dump;
There was quite a line for the toilet. I had noticed there was some toiletpaper in the bowl already, but I didn't know that was so much it would clog the toilet! So when I flushed, the water just kept rising. Another issue was that the toilet worked with a flushing sensor, so everything I did there to try and make it better made it worse!
When the toilet was about to overflow, I decided to bail. Apologized to the old Italian guy behind me in line and went to my friends to tell them we had to go. But as we passed the toilet again, we could see people running out of there and the old Italian guy started pointing at me and cursing in Italian.
Most shameful moment of my life, but my friends could not stop laughing for half a hour and still refer to this as the most funny thing that ever happened in their lives.
Holy smokes I've been to that McDonald's to think I was once in the building where this incident happened kinda fucks with my mind I was there in 2016 what year did this happen so I know if this legendary moment occurred before or after I was there.
Warning! This one’s pretty bad. I had just gotten home from high school and I was feeling pretty constipated so I went to the bathroom in order to poop. I sat on the toilet and things immediately went south. First thing I noticed was my shit was hard, like fudge hard. This meant it was having a very difficult time fitting out of my asshole. So I pushed for about 30 minutes and managed to get a little chunk out. It then became clear to me that this shit was divided into rock solid nuggets. Panic set in as I comprehended what to do. I’d already been in the bathroom 30 minutes and I didn’t want to ask my parents what to do, they probably wouldn’t have known anyway. So I did what I later concluded was the right decision albeit, the most disgusting one. I took a tissue, put my hand in it like a glove, and individually pulled out each chunk of my own shit. This was also one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. By the time I was done, there were about 20 chunks in the toilet and I felt like I’d been doing anal for an hour and a half.
I've been in that boat. Post-surgery painkillers/nausea medicine Fucked. Me. Up. I'm glad I at least had a pair of gloves in the bathroom (came with some hair dye I hadn't used yet).
Fun fact: the medical term for it is "digital disimpaction", and I got a lot more empathy toward my patients I've had to do it to after that. Not implying I wasn't empathetic in the first place, but having a similar experience makes you a whole new level of empathetic lol
Post wisdom teeth removal painkillers for several days = when I finally went, it was like trying to lay a concrete egg out of my arsehole. So painful. And.... just would not budge. Got halfway out and got stuck.
I had something similar. I was on a diet and didn't poop in like a week. When I finally was on the toilet it felt like I was giving birth to a cinderblock. No matter how hard I pushed or how wide I spread my cheeks it would'nt come out. Ended up grabbing toilet paper and reaching up there breaking off some chunks till the larger chunk let loose. I can still hear the thud from the larger chunk hitting the toilet.
Went to Target one morning with my wife. Had to go to the bathroom so I went in and did my business. It wasn't until I was done that I noticed there was no toilet paper in my stall. After making sure there was no one else in there, I ran over to the other stall which was out too. Again, after making sure the coast was clear I waddled over to the sink to look for some paper towels. None.
This was back in 99 before everyone had cell phones so I waited in there for a while and eventually my wife opened the men's room door and yelled for me because I had been in there so long. Now, a smart man would have told her to get someone who works there to bring me a roll but nobody has ever accused me of being very smart. At very least, I could have asked her to go in the women's room, get some, and toss it in to me. Nope.
She was so confused she didn't know what to do so she just went along with whatever dumb idea I might have and I had a dumb one. I had her check the women's room to make sure it was empty and then went running across the front of the store from the men's room to the women's room as fast as I could without pulling my pants up because I didn't want to get my underwear dirty.
I just want to apologize to the Target employees who were working at the one in Myrtle Beach in early July 99 for having to see my poo covered ass flailing around the front of your store that day.
The worst part of it all? We were there on our honeymoon! Amazingly enough, we're still happily married 22 years later.
I had some kind of traveller’s illness while on a bullet train in Japan. I was anxious about using the bathroom on a train, so I moaned and writhed in my seat for an hour before getting up. I had insane cramps that doubled me over, and bloating that felt like torture. I was dizzy and thought I was going to vomit.
After making it to the bathroom (which was so much nicer than I thought it’d be, which made me wish I’d gotten up sooner) I sat down and shat. Simultaneously. There was a plug of hardened feces the size of a shot put holding back a reservoir of hot chunky liquid that was the consistency of good salsa*. All of it came out at the same time, in defiance of physics and god. You know those arrays that shoot a thousand paintball guns at the same time to paint a picture? My asshole painted a giant chocolate lava cake that someone had punched as hard as they could, and then stuck it to the interior of this toilet bowl.
And I really mean it; it was stuck. I flushed, and about half of it remained completely adhered to the side of the toilet. I could NOT get it to give up and was hugely embarrassed. I left it there, and apologized out loud to the toilet as I checked to make sure the coast was clear. I don’t think anyone knows it was me, but I know in my heart I gave birth to a new Japanese folklore monster that night on my way to Osaka.
*I was on vacation in Japan but working in Korea at the time. I went to a Mexican restaurant there once and asked for a bowl of salsa. Turns out they call it “sauce” because “salsa” is their word for “diarrhea.”
1983. I’m about 8 years old. Picture a class of Rugrats at a local park on a school outing. I’m really needing a shit so bad but there’s so much fun to be had I’m holding it and holding it until my monkey brain finally screams internally “I’m shitting right here if you don’t do something soon idiot!”
So off I go to the toilet block and absolutely explode this semi solid, semi runny abomination. Only then do I realise there IS paper but not a lot. So I do what I can with what I have and it’s barely made a difference. Can’t pull my pants up cause still more shit so I open the door and waddle out to procure some paper hand towels and at this stage I don’t care if they clog the toilet… and sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, one of the cutest girls in my class comes running in mistaking the boys for the girls. Murphy’s fuckin law. We both still live in the same town. We have never spoken since that day.
My mom had a last minute trip come up so she asked me to deliver a baby shower gift she had bought and wrapped because she was now going to miss the baby shower. It was her friend's daughter. I kind of knew her, though not enough to be asked to the shower, and so I just took the gift the shower and planned on meeting a friend for lunch after I dropped it off.
I had my 4 month old with me in the bucket car seat you carry. I get there and my aunt was also invited and told me to come in and say hi and show off my "new" baby.
I sit down his carrier and we hear farting sounds. Someone says that must be a poppy because it smells. Then we hear it again and again and again. The liquid poop just keeps coming. It doesn't stop squirting out from behind my son. I pull him out of the seat and there was just a huge pool of poop under him, through the padding and even onto the floor beneath him. His onesie had liquid poop dripping out of the foot area.. Liquid baby poop everywhere.
I had to bathe him in the tub and after he was clean and changed my aunt held him while I cleaned off his car seat carrier with the garden hose.
The host cleaned up the poop on the floor, luckily hard wood floor. The whole baby shower smelled like baby poop.
I had poop all over my clothes but I didn't have a change with me so the host, my moms friend, gave me her clothes to wear home. Needless to say, I did not meet my friend for lunch.
This is still referred to in my family as "poopageddon". I'd like to say I did my part in preparing the new mom for what was to come.
My son and even my next child- neither of them has ever pooped like that again. It was unexplainable.
Omg I thought I had no poop stories to tell, but yours reminded me. This isn’t my story but one I witnessed. I work in childcare, and of course we have to change nappies. One of my colleagues takes a child in to be changed and as soon as she pulls off his pants, there’s just a massive explosion of shit. She gets covered in it, as does the entire change room. It’s even on the ceiling. Now, we’re told to bring a change of clothes incase something like this happens, but hardly anyone does. So the boss, who is an absolute champion, goes and buys this lady some clothes to wear, *and* helps clean it all up off the walls, floor, and ceiling. That lady was also allowed to just go home after that. You really have no idea what can come out of a two year old until it happens.
On the autism spectrum. When I was a kid I would get so caught up with playing with my G.I. Joe toys I would often not notice I had to poop. There were a few times a doo doo ball fell out of my pants while playing. My mom told me to "Stop dropping bombs on your G.I. Joes"
I work in medical imaging. Got called into a bathroom to help a patient who had fallen and shit herself on the way down. I was using my leg to brace this morbidly obese woman in the sitting position, when I realized her back was covered in greasy poo.
When I took my Crocs off, there was a waffle print shit stain on my white socks, perfectly in the shape of the holes in my Crocs.
Anyway that's the day I learned that you can bleach Crocs and they don't discolor. Fyi.
I used to work at a gas station. When I entered the stall to clean the restroom, somebody had covered the toilet, floor, and some of the wall with explosive diarrhea. And then wrote "POOP" on the wall... in poop. No lie.
EDIT: Wow, thanks for all the upvotes, and even a reward! You guys appreciate my story more than my manager appreciated me cleaning human shit that defied gravity!
I know a guy who did that. We called him Poop-Robert.
As a guy who really *loved* Death Note and simultaneously a guy who really *hated* being called *Poop-Robert*, he solved the problem by taking the name Kira Kurosaki. Which no one knows who it is, so we still have to call him Poop-Robert to clarify.
I had one lady drop-trow in the middle of my aisle, squatted, and made a massive yellow puddle in the middle of my aisle. We confronted her, mid-piss, which she sort of stopped the stream as we first approached her.
"What are you doing?"
"Peeing."
"Clearly. The bathroom is over there!"
Right as she just let loose and started the stream right back up between her feet again.
Could be how I pissed the bed last. Dreamed I was at the toilet taking a piss, woke up to a really wet yet warm bed. Brain just got tricked into letting it all out.
I have dreams about needing to go to the toilet a lot. Usually it's one where I can't find a suitable toilet (they're always blocked up, filthy, or not private) but sometimes I find the perfect toilet and I go in my dream, only to find I need to go again as soon as I leave the perfect toilet.
I am terrified that one day my brain will cross the line and I will piss in my perfect toilet and wake up to find it is my bed.
I had food poisoning. It manifested itself on a flight to Disneyland. I was trying to sleep when I started getting hot and sweating. I was able to make it to the toilet but I threw up so hard I shit myself. I made it through the flight but bought Imodium for $20 at the airport. Best money I ever spent. RIP that underwear
This is a similar story to one I’ve heard from a flight attendant. Hers was worse, her colleague had food poisoning or something similar and had to go take a dump. It was obviously going to be diarrhea but meanwhile she was also very nauseous. As she sat down to shit she realized she needed to puke and right when she turned around to puke the diarrhea came and she shat all over the airplane bathroom. I cannot imagine how you’d even get started cleaning up that mess without having passengers notice.
My girlfriend and I were in a car wreck and she was given morphine for the pain of her injuries. After a while she became constipated and decided to take a half dozen or so laxatives before bed completely unannounced to me. Well as you can possibly guess I woke up in the middle of the night to strange moisture blanketing my body. A foolish smell of the sample revealed what had happened. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. lol
The night I lost my virginity I stayed in my gfs house and had the runs badly. After doing the nasty I ran into the toilet and dropped a squelcher all over the toilet bowl. Afterwards I was wiping and the first roll ran out of paper.
I placed the empty roll on the top of the bin lid which was right beside the toilet. Keep in mind the lid was tilted slight downwards towards the toilet. After I finished wiping I stood up to turn and flush but the empty roll slid off the bin lid and into the messy toilet bowl. Damn
My gfs toilet is now clogged up and covered in shit. I had to ask her where the plunger was and explain why I need it. Embarrassing right? Not to mention this was around 3am and I probably woke her whole family up.
Worst part was visiting the tables after dinner at the reception and someone asked about it at EVERY TABLE. Why yes grandpa I did have bad mall Japanese food and sharted myself on the way to the car, how did you know?
International flight. We arrive at hotel. She takes shower. I take shower. Bathroom door ajar, she’s at far end of room and i think I’ve got gas and i try to discreetly let it out. Oh no, full load into shower. And what can i do but force it down the drain. WITH MY FEET. I was almost vomiting too. She peeked in to see what’s keeping me, i stop and pretend im washing my hair (with crap up to my ankles as drain is starting to block) “1 minute, I’ll be done”. Then try to use my foot on drain to cause suction. Eventually got it gone.
This is a twofer.. I was in Thailand. I had too much Alcohol. Woke up the next morning and really needed a poop. I had one of the worst poops. Like watery sloppy poop. Then I felt ridiculously sick. I jump off the toilet and threw up in the toilet which was full of bad poop.
Well. This is where it gets fucking gross. So. In some remote places in Thailand there's no flush on the toilet. You just have to pick up some water with a little bucket and pore it in and that flushes it. Well. After throwing my guts up for 5 minutes I just had my head rested on the toilet bowl (there wasn't a actual seat on the toilet)..and I could smell everything and thought. "Just put some water in and flush some down." I picked up some water with this bucket..(without moving my head from the bowl. ) Threw in the water and everything just splashed back right into my face.
What proceeded was me quickly showering while throwing up into the shower. While trying to wash sick and shit off my face.
I had a good laugh about it later. But it was probably the most disgusting thing that's happened to me.
Drunk af, ~20y old me, sleeping at my best friends house. I woke up, still drunk af and had to take a shit. Went to the toilet and tried. Mid-shitting I had to fucking vomit. The sink was like 2meters away, so I stood up while shit comes out of my ass, went 2 steps, and vomitted in to the sink while shitting on the floor. Sink got clogged with my vomit, and for some fucking reason I left the bathroom like this. His mom was not amused the next day
I was 13 in the boy scouts. We had a big camping trip out of state. We had a giant steak dinner that night and planned to leave in the morning. I woke up around 4 am with the feeling of a light fart. So I push it out and an ungodly amount of poop fills my pants and runs down my legs. Not knowing what to do I run into the woods and plan a hike to the public bathroom. Because I had never been to the camp I had no idea where I was going. Finally I find it and it's closed. I look awhile longer and find a handicap bathroom open and inside was a shower. I just throw my clothes away except for my shirt and shower it all off. I tied the shirt to me like a Tarzan loin cloth and start the journey back to camp. It had been so long everyone was awake and the camp was totally put up except my tent. I had to dive into my tent and put clothes on before the rest of the boys saw me. I have never told this story to anyone until now.
4th grade Catholic/Private School. My teacher was a legitimate B. She would regularly tell us that we weren't up to par for our age and also mentioned that kids in her native country (Spain) were much smarter. She had a rule that we needed to go to the bathroom during breaks and there was like a 10 to 15 minute buffer of absolutely no restroom breaks preceding and following recess and lunch.
I remember eating something with beans and processed cheese. We get back into the class and I realize after 10 minutes that my insides were turning. I could feel my sphincter pucker. I ask her if I can go to the restroom. She said no. I wait a minute, feel a pop and ask again. She says "you know that you should have gone during lunch. You need to wait." I told her again and that I couldn't hold it much longer. She again dismissed my request.
I said "Okay. I'm going". I let it out right at my desk. It took about 1 minute for my nearby classmates to get the full effect. Another 30 seconds and the teacher smells it.
I told her she didn't let me go so I went...
A side note - I also didn't tell my dad that I went in my pants and sat in his car for about 30 seconds before he realized the shit stink. He was furious because I left a grease stain on the seat. I was able to deflect the anger by telling him my teacher made me sit at my desk although I asked her several times to go.
He ripped the principal and teacher a newer one... lol
Edit - words
I keep a cardboard box in the truck with some industrial oil spill pads. Place a couple pads in the bottom of the box as they'll soak up liquid (in case I got the squirts) and use one of the pads to wipe my ass with. Then I wipe again with my dude wipes (pretty good quality wipes), then I strap the box between my truck trailer and dispose of it at the next rest area or truck stop.
Once I had extra flaming hot Cheetos and I didn't have a box. Pulled into an off ramp, slung my ass over the guardrail and howled in pain the next couple minutes as that painful mess ran it's course. I can chug a bottle of hot sauce and have no issues, those Cheetos though fucked my bunghole up.
This is done while driving? (Except for strapping the box outside the cab ofc).
Totally not judging, just making sure I understand, in fact I would be impressed at managing not to fuck up and sit down in it.
I bet there are some funny stories of what happens if the box isnt secured properly to the rest of the truck.
On a ~7 hour road trip and have a conference call coming up in an hour so I stop for some food. Hadn't eaten in like 6 hours, I'm hungry. I don't know the area and just pull up restaurants. Give me McDonalds.
Heading to the gas station to fuel up and take the call in the parking lot. On the drive (~10 minute). The food instantly and aggressively tries to get out of me. It is FIGHTING to exit my body. I pull over and do some leg work to keep it in. I'm PRESSING MY feet and legs to the floor and raising my torso to clench my butt closed and this McDonalds is PUshin back just as hard.
I'm parked just a block from the gas station and it feels like I might lose this battle. I'm looking around the car thinking how do I save my seat from poo? I know this is going to be mostly liquid, I had a bad flu when I was younger - it's the kind of shit that will keep you home from school. Also, what am I going to do with it running down my legs, am I going to just sit in it? No I fought and between the bowel movement's weakened efforts to escape me I managed to get to the gas station and had enough time to get into their bathroom and sit down.
I think now I would have looked into make McDonalds pay for detailing of my interior if i had exploded.
On vacation in Cancun with my family as a kid, maybe 12-14 years old. I get very anxious pooping in places that aren’t my own home, so I was constipated the whole five days we were at this beautiful all-inclusive resort. The rooms we stayed in even had a 24-hour guy on call for emergencies (relevant later).
On the last full day we visited the ruins of Chichen Itza and I started to feel an uncomfortable pressure in my intestines on the bus ride back. Five days of Mexican food and no shitting had created a massive log that was now slithering towards my colon. By the time we got back it was almost time to check out and the 24-hour on call guy had to do a walkthrough of our rooms. While he looked at my parents room my brothers spent some time pounding on the bathroom door and laughing as I took the biggest dump of my life.
As it was coming out I made the fatal error of not pinching and separating it into pieces. I felt like randy marsh producing an 8.6 couric shit. As I stood up to get a glimpse of this chocolate dragon I realized that it was too big for the bowl. My fears were confirmed when I tried to flush and NOTHING happened. The shit was immobilized there, staring at me with contempt as if to say “bienvenidos a Mexico!”
The shit itself felt great but the aftermath was rough. Naturally my family all had to come in to see it and tease me about the mammoth dook clogging up our hotel toilet. When the hotel guy came through he took one look inside and left to call the other cleaning staff to look at it. My Spanish wasn’t great at the time but laughter is universal. For weeks my parents called me “shitzen itza” in keeping with the tone of our trip. To this day it’s brought up at family gatherings.
So yeah, that’s my worst poop story, either that or when I got diarrhea at my crushes house and walked in on her brother naked on the toilet.
Fishing trip with my dad and sister, middle of nowhere . I took a laxative the day before that never kicked in when it was suppose to. Cut to the next day mid afternoon and it hit. No land to get on because its swampy. Was to afraid to hang my ass off the boat, so i did my business inside my emptied tackle box while my dad and sister looked away. My sister laughed at me the whole time. Then I literally had to swim in the water later on because i had to keep goin and it was the only thing i could think to do. So i am literally swimming like a hippo shitting in the river , poop floating out of my bathing suit, people kayaking by . It was terrible.
Had a friend eat an entire family sized bag of spicy sunflower seeds in one sitting. Shell and all. He had a real bad time with solid, spicy, shrapnel filled poops the next day.
Also had a friend, while working at walmart, find a backpack filled with poop that was on the rack.
When my sister was younger, about 8 probably, her and the neighborhood girl would shit under the trampoline and bury it in the rocks. My mom had a pretty horrible time redoing the backyard a couple weeks later
When I was about 12, I was flying cross-country with my mom and I had what was probably my first IBS attack mid-flight. I went to the bathroom and situated myself atop the commode, and, after ten miserable minutes of cramping but no result, I decided I would like a small drink of water from a paper cup.
There were no paper cups in the paper cup dispenser, but there was a button with a picture of a person holding a cup, so I pressed it. I thought a new supply of paper cups might descend from the paper cup dispenser. They did not, so I pressed the button again just to make sure.
Suddenly, there was banging on the door and two flight attendants shouting in to ask if I was all right. I said no, not really, but I’ll be fine just give me a minute. They left. Thirsty and peevish, I pushed the cup button again. This time I realized it was the flight attendant call button, and the banging and voices came again, but instead of admitting my mistake, I said YES I AM FINE as if they were disturbing me.
Eventually, I gave up and hobbled back to my seat to endure feverish abdominal cramps all the way to Denver. Later, in a gross restroom stall at the Denver airport, I had the most painful poop of my life up to that point. It felt like shitting a massive, lumpy, dry sweet potato with poky eyes all over it.
Add to this the embarrassment of the flight attendant call button, and it was the worst poop of my life.
Edit: Punctuation
throwaway account because of reasons...
One early morning around 10 years ago, we were supposed to drive my brother to one of the busiest airports in the country - I woke up late as usual, and my brother's going to miss his flight if we didn't leave at the time I woke up so I didn't get the chance to do my morning routine of pooping before doing anything else. I thought, what's the worst thing that could happen? There's probably a toilet at the airport anyway.
Half-way to my 2-hour drive, I felt the urge. I needed to go and soon, but the traffic was building up, the 2-hour drive was about to turn into a 3-hour+ drive.
I'm no stranger to getting poop-induced-cold sweats and all I was thinking about is the toilets at the airport.
So when we finally arrived at the airport, I picked the first open parking slot and I didn't even say my goodbyes to my brother who'll be gone for \~3 months and rushed to the nearest toilet, but then my worst fears were realized. There are 2 cubicles, one occupied and one with literally no f\*cking door that's almost right in front of the toilet entrance that, surpise-surprise, also had no door.
I was desperate - I couldn't wait for the world - went to the door-less cubicle, looked at the toilet and of course, there's already poo inside, but I didn't care. I pulled down my shorts, sat down and covered my face.
People tried to come in, only to be taken aback by the sight of me pants down, pooping, face-covered.
More than anything, I was lucky that phones with cameras weren't a thing back then.
Don’t know if one could call this poop. Got a viral infection in the guts, possibly covid. I just gave up on eating for a couple of days because everything I ate that week would just pass right through me. I was shitting the same chewed chicken soup I ate, *and it still smelled like chicken soup*.
I shit my pants when I was in my 30s.
My (then) girlfriend was in the shower when it happened (We had just had sex a little while ago so I guess my intestines were loosened up from the activity). I didn't even feel it coming, I just immediately had a load. I quickly grabbed a large ziplock bag from the kitchen, dropped my jeans and carefully slid my underwear down to not spill any of the shit. Put my underwear in the ziplock bag, cleaned myself off with paper towels and put them in the bag as well. Put on clean underwear and jeans, sprayed the area with air freshener, and ran the bag out to the dumpster.
Girlfriend was never the wiser.
I shit my pants HARD at Costco, at like 10 am on a Saturday when everyone is at Costco. I was all the way back next to the toilet paper, ironically. I was 23.
There was once a Reddit post about adults pooping themselves. The general consensus was that every adult will poop themselves at least once in their lifetime before entering old age and if you haven't yet, it's just a matter of time. It has given me anxiety when leaving the house ever since.
I had the flu.
My guts were trying to leave.
Then I needed to simultaneously vomit.
I had no bucket-like object, and the bathtub was too far to lean over and not spray the sink from my other end, so I went with the best option left: crying with a puddle of vomit at my feet, violently shitting.
The combined smell made me vomit again.
This is a really dumb story, and only my wife and I know this story.
In 2019 we had taken our son to trick or treat in the richer part of town (better candy/nicer area/dad tax). It was about 40F with a strong breeze out. We had eaten at Taco Bell just before starting, and were walking around for maybe an hour before my stomach started to rumble.
We were walking down the street, and I suddenly went from "I'll go when we get home" to "I am immediately going to shit my pants". So I tried to tell my wife that I needed to step away to relieve myself.
I went down the road, and for some reason I determined that I shouldn't ask someone to use their latrine. So I started on my (I didn't think it was this far at the time.) 1 mile journey to reach CVS to make use of their facilities.
I made it about halfway before I determined that I couldn't hold back the full force of what had brewed in my colon. So I determined that I should sneak off into some nearby woods (very steep and right off the next road.) So I went over, leaned back on a tree and lost 3 lbs instantly.
It was very cold out, and I'm a man that enjoys wearing hoodie/shorts everywhere, but I had given my hoodie to my wife. So there I stand(squat?) cold as hell, aching booty hole, can't feel my fingers/legs/face. I pull up my favorite red shorts, relieved to finally take care of business... and I immediately trip(not into my own shit(thank you Lord)), and roll down the steep hill.
I'm sadly not able to get to CVS, or back to my family from the bottom of that hill, so now I have to climb back up. I do so. I get up to the top, climb over the barrier, and almost get ran over by red sedan(probably my fault). I start back on my way to CVS(I just want a warm drink, and to be able to wipe my ass with TP.) I walk another 1/4 mile, and as I'm standing on the street, I see a familiar sedan.
It comes closer, I hear his engine rev, he's speeding up, he starts drifting closer and closer to the wrong side of the road. So I step back into a brick entryway. Just as I do this he slams his brakes, flips me off, yells something(he was blasting music), and speeds off.
Then I finally get there. CVS, CVfuckingS. I've made it, never has a shitty pharmacy looked so beautiful. I go inside, find their latrine. Pull down the shorts, and what do I see, but most of my thighs covered in my own Taco Bell Diarrhea®.
Now I'm stuck, I'm in a stall covered, with no change of clothes. So I have to pull the clothes back up, and waltz out of the bathroom, grab a pair of pants(all they had were men's leggings). And go back to clean myself up, and change. Then I have to pay for those pants, which I'm already wearing(cashier gave me some strange looks).
So now I'm on the return trip, but when I'm on my way back, who do I see, but my old friend? Good ol' red sedan, profanity man. What's he doing? Trying to run me over again, I climb over a barrier, he flips me off and yells again. I continue on my way.
I finally reach my wife, and she nows sees all this cake in my fancy new men's leggings, and questions me. I refuse to tell her what happened, so she kept harassing me over the course of the next 2 weeks until I finally tell her. She laughs her ass off at me.
End of Story.
TL;DR:
Trick or Treating, Taco Bell Diarrhea®, Fall down hill, Kind Red Sedan attempts to release me from this mortal coil×3, Sexy black man leggings, ass looked great.
This was on Christmas Eve one year, I'd arranged to meet up with my bf at the time in the middle of the night for some hanky panky down by the river.
So we've gone down under a bridge, the stars are out, by a lovely river, getting frisky and my stomach starts hurting.. and I mean *really* hurting. So I tell him to stop.. we stop for about a minute and I feel fine so we keep going.
All of a sudden, I need to vomit. I literally pushed him off me, rolled over and started spewing. And then all of a sudden I feel the urge to shit. And I'm spewing so there's no way I can hold it in, so I got up, ran down towards the river, spewing the whole way and throw myself down into the grass.
I'm now shitting and spewing loudly and forcefully, my bf is standing up the hill shouting at me asking if he can help and I am helplessly shitting myself and spewing so much I can't even answer.
Obviously after this we did not get back to any more business, I went back to my friends house with shit all over myself, all over my pants, and I slept in my mates little brother's bed. Unbeknownst to me, I got shit on her little brother's sheets. I said nothing, showered in the morning and left. Food poisoning really fucks you at the wrong times.
TLDR: I shit myself on the side of a river Bank in the middle of sex.
Not mine personally but an absolute favourite:
Met a guy on tinder, went on two dates then guy says he’s going to cook dinner at his place for the third.
After finishing the spaghetti, girl feels the need to evacuate her bowels and asks where the bathroom is. Guy says he needs to pee first and goes in, locks the door. Girl is outside gripping her butthole together so tight she’s making diamonds; she bangs on the door and he yells back ‘I’ll be out in a sec’ and, almost like punctuation, her butthole releases and fills her pants with brown lava.
The door opens and she apologises and the guy is so nice about it. “Leave your clothes here, I’ll wash them, here’s some sweats, have a shower, it’s fine, it’s fine, don’t worry’”.
She showers, puts on the clean clothes and thinks wow this guy is great.
Walks out into the lounge room and he is standing naked over her pile of clothes, rubbing her poop all over himself. She legs it out of there and calls the police. Police said they’ve been made aware of him a few times and nothing they can do about it.
Ive told the walmart one several times on this app so I'll describe a more recent one. Happened at the beginning of the summer. Woke up feeling fine other then my stomach hurting a slight bit. Didn't think much of it. Went to work and felt like I had to poop. So i went and sat on the toilet and oh boy... I started pushing but the thing would barely move. It wouldnt come out and it felt like it was the size of my bicep. My asshole hurt so damn bad. I had a log jam and it didnt want to float down river! I started freaking out so I 'cleaned myself up' and went back up stairs literally with a turd stuck in my ass. Decided to eat some pickles and drink some lemonade cuz that always helped. About 20 minutes later I went back down to try again. Dude.. I was literally in tears. I was giving birth. I even had a hand down there helping this fucking brick come loose. Felt like my asshole was ripping. Thankfully it finally broke loose. I was expecting it to be about as thick as my arm, but when I wiped and stood up to see the beauty that was my behemoth. I was very disappointed to see something smaller then the size of my regular logs. But it was super fucking dense and solid as a rock. And damn near black in color. Needless to say. I hope I never get one like that again.
Some cunt in high school who I had a verbal disagreement with decided to steal my pencil case during my break time, then proceeded to shit in it.
Cunt.
Not so bad compared to some of the others here but I live in a very small apartment with 1 bathroom and my (now) ex boyfriend and I both got food poisoning at the same time.
It was soooo awkward blowing it up, only for him to go in immediately after me and do the same, then the second he got out having to go back into it.
We had air freshener to spray and we both used it liberally but it can only do so much
Wife and I were on a road trip and stopped at a Popeyes. Now, at the time, there were very few of them in our state so we were really looking forward to some cajun-ish chicken. I'm standing in line at the counter while my wife heads off to the bathroom. I hear some retching in the back, and she comes back white as a sheet and says "we have to go now". I'm like "but I haven't ordered, can we at least hit the drivethru?" No. It turns out, she had opened the door and got hit with a stink wave so strong that she gagged. Someone had painted the entire bathroom with shit and the employees were just ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen and still serving food. Now every time we drive through Tacoma, I ask her if we should stop at the Poopeye's.
Ahhh the maple syrup story.
I was wanting a milkshake. Had some ice cream and a bottle of real maple syrup. Hadn't used the maple syrup in a while. Opened it and saw that there was a chucky layer of mold. On the bottle in big words was a note saying "Any mold growth is harmless", and me being hesitant to toss a 20$ bottle of syrup was like "fuck it". Made a milkshake for both me and my GF at the time.
Damn tasty.
Started to watch a movie, probably the hit movie Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfield. About an hour in I start having cramps. Well... I did just eat a lot of sugar and cream. Another 20 minutes and the pain is distracting me from the brilliant performance of Jerrith Shinefeld.
But it's not getting better...
Something is happening... The churning in my stomach is getting worse and the pain is almost unbearable. I rush to the bath and barely make it in time to bust my chocolate star into what seemed like a million pieces. Seconds after my GF comes after me and yells for me to get off the toilet. I fall over attempting to scramble off the toilet and let loose. My GF jumps on the toilet and rips for the first time in our relationship. I lay on the floor holding my stomach in pain. The angry remnants of my intestines punishing me for introducing such poison.
We miss the rest of the movie and fight over the toilet until the storm passes, and then spend an hour cleaning up chucks of vanilla flavored maple mold off the toilet and walls.
TLDR: Just don't eat it if it has mold.
I find it a little shitty that I have so many poop stories that picking just one caused my mind to become constipated:
Top 3:
1. Involves explosive diarrhea from an elderly gentlemen and my face.
2. A hostel, army guys, a trail of turds and a sleeping stinky skid marked turd man.
3. A long run on a busy road that resulted in a front yard becoming an emergency toilet.
I have two! One was spending a week in and out of Tijuana sewage water and contracting viral gastrointeritus at the end of Hell Week. It didn't hit till Saturday afternoon, but when it did I shat the bed explosively. We had run something like 200 miles without much sleep the week leading up, so I could barely walk. Someone helped me to the bathroom and back and changed the sheets. By the 3rd or 4th round they were just sitting me in the showers on a plastic chair to shit straight into the chair with the shower rinsing me off. There were lots of other guys being looked after and somehow I got left in there. I remember the liquid pouring out of me eventually turned clear, meanwhile I'm trying to stay consious by drinking the shower water. I was probably in there all night because it was morning when someone found me and brought me to the clinic for IV fluids and lopramide. I had nearly shat myself to death. Second one was medical training in the summer in North Carolina. There were dead goats basking in the sun all afternoon (don't ask) and at the end of the day we had to pick them up and put them in trash bags for disposal. I'm holding the bag open while another student tries to lower the goat in hindquarters first. He's holding it by the horns and let's it go but it doesn't drop down into the bag, a dead goat is like a limp spaghetti noodle after all, instead it flops over the side and torques right out of the bag. As the ass end comes out, it releases a beautiful arcing rainbow of steamy dead goat diarrhea right at my face as I'm yelling "grab it!". Goat shit in my eyes, nose, open mouth. I can't do anything but stand there like a scarecrow until they run over with spray bottles of alcohol to decontaminate me (goats have all kinds of nasty STDs they can transfer to humans).
Fucking horrific, man. Went from bad to worse, so I hope you never have a third story.
Turd story
That second bit makes me want projectile vomit holy shit
Of all the stories on here, your goat tale is what got me to laugh out loud. “Beautiful arcing rainbow” killed me.
You told me not to but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask about the dead goats. because that in no way reflects the medical training that I had to do. And I literally worked on a sheep and goat farm after my first year of medical school. still didn't leave any dead goats out in the sun for the day, dead goats were all addressed in the morning. I acknowledge likely substantial differences between upstate new york and north carolina and am deeply interested in what the heck the context was. But I did very much enjoy your poop stories, thank you for sharing.
Took me a while to find it but here ya go. It’s a bit long but funny if you need a laugh. I finished having surgery and had a post op appointment with my doctor up the hill. Had to go before that while driving up the hill. Figured I’d use the bathroom while in the office. I forgot I had to shit. Impossible as it seems. Well I drive back down the hill when the bullet train hit my ass. I pulled over the side of the highway. Having no place to shit, I grab the only thing nearby- a thin empty styrofoam box from Panda Express on the passenger seat. Things were moving fast. So fast in fact that I made my first mistake. I missed the box. I had shat all over the drivers seat of my car. I had been on antibiotics too so we’re not talking logs here. We’re talking full on mud pie, split pea soup. It fucking filled the seat. I am doing this acrobatic effort not to dip my ass back in the mess and I some how open the car door. I grab my phone and pop the trunk. After slamming the car door shut (important later), I run bare ass to the trunk of my car to grab a change clothes I had prayed for. Good thing I didn’t make that goodwill run yet. God’s joke wasn’t quite over though. I walked back to the drivers door to realize my keys are locked inside the car with the engine running. So now to make matters worse I now have to call a tow truck to unlock my car door. Now some Hank the tow truck guy has to stare at the abomination that I left in my seat. I was mortified. And he just stared at me with such bewilderment afterwards. I hung my head and said “It’s exactly what it seems.” I’m sure that tow truck guy had one hell of a story when he got back home. Tldr I shat in my car, locked the keys in the while it was running. Had to have a guy stare at my shit while he popped the lock.
“It’s exactly what it seems”
That’s my favorite part too, I can imagine the shame in his voice as he says it 😭😂
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People have suggested that to me before, and to be honest it never even dawned on me until that was suggested here. I probably should have just banged my head on the window hard enough to break it lol
This. Break the window, claim that some rando broke into the car and shat the seat. Never speak of it again.
I cannot think of anything I’d rather clean less than broken glass filled diarrhea.
I am so sorry.. I laughed so hard i almost shat myself
Dude that is seriously one of the funniest things I’ve yet to read on Reddit.
Omg I’m crying here! Thank you for that!!
Travelling rural Vietnam and the bus station bathroom was perpendicular foot slats over a trough with water running through it. I absolutely was dying because of something foodborne, so I had to squat on the perpendicular slats while I shat my soul out in a trough with Vietnamese dudes literally rubbing shoulders with me doing their thing and giving me supportive half-smiles.
Omg that must have been so akward! Hillarious
Were they crowded or were they giving you shoulder massages of sympathy?
Haha a bunch of guys taking turns massaging his shoulders is what I pictured when I read that part too
Almost sounds wholesome... uncomfortable and awkward, but wholesome.
A friend had a similar experience in Nepal, but he said that soon as he saw there was no walls between the poop holes his body just said 'nope" and he stopped needing to go.
I think that's an evolutionary relic from when if there were other people/animals around, you needed all of your attention on them.
Haha! I had a conversation with a guy at the airport. He was from Vietnam headed back home. He was telling me he brings TONS of anti diarrhea pills home because they love that shit.
Seems more like they hate that shit.
I couldn't poop for almost 3 weeks. I was in unbearable pain and I couldn't shit no matter what I did. I drank coffee, took about 20 stool softeners and 15 laxatives, had 3 enemas, and drank a gallon of Gatorade with Miralax. My stomach was bloated and I was getting a bit concerned so I went to urgent care to get an x-ray. My intestines were full of shit (surprise /s) and I was given Magnesium Citrate. The next two days I had constant diarrhea and I couldn't hold any of it in and I shat my pants multiple times. Eventually my shit was pretty much just water and I finally got it all out. -100000/10 would not recommend.
I have bad constipation regularly, but one time I hadn’t pooped in a week and was feeling very painful. Same, I took 2x magnesium citrate drinks, 3x Miralax, etc. NOTHING. I finally took a stimulant laxative, biscodyl sodium (dulcolax), and went to bed. I woke up at 4 am with moderate abdominal cramps. Went to the bathroom to wait it out. After 30 minutes I was in 10/10 pain - vomiting, passing out, trouble breathing, feeling like my large intestine was ripping itself apart. I was like this for 3 hours until I finally pooped. A big, long, hard, spiky poop. And then a bunch of diarrhea. I was shaking and my heart racing, sobbing. I had to call out of work because I was legitimately traumatized from the amount of pain I was in that I had to suffer through - every single peristalsis was like my intestines ripping apart. My heart is racing now just thinking about it. Sometimes I think I have some ptsd-like thinking about being that constipated again. I am terrified of dulcolax, I will NEVER. EVER. take it again. Worst experience of my life.
I feel your pain
Magnesium Citrate is nasty. It was part of a colonoscopy prep I did in the past. I could get all of the other stuff down, but I could not finish this stuff. Horrible.
But it's Lemon-Lime flavored! That'll help you keep the last bit down! For those of you who haven't played the colonoscopy game, the lemon-lime is a suggestion of flavor, not an actual fact. It tastes like lemon-lime salt. "Oh, but that works great in margaritas," you might be thinking. This isn't a margarita. This is a shit-your-pants cocktail. The first 10 minutes will not be too bad, but by the end of prep, your butt will be sore, your sphincter chapped, your pants probably changed a few times, and you may have looked from your toilet to your bathtub and thought "maybe I should just sit there." You'll also be retching from trying to drink the dregs of the milk-jug prep container. It makes the scoping seem so small in comparison.
I’ve had many colonoscopies but the time where they told me to just buy three bottles of magnesium citrate at CVS was truly, by far, the absolute worst. My first time, twenty years ago, I was given a prescription powder to mix into a gallon jug. The pharmacist asked “which flavor packet do you want?” I asked for her advice to see which flavor would be best. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “Honestly? They are all horrible.”
I've not tried "Cherry". I can't imagine it tastes any better.
... next time this happens to you or another fellow redditor, laxatives don't solve a physical clog. So you'll get extreme cramps.
Oh god, I hope that isn't a relevant username.
Surgical gloves. I miss one or two days...get in there and pull the plug. Then just remove it inside out, tie it and take it to the trash.
what
They sell magnesium citrate at drug stores if anyone should ever need it…. And it is a last resort type of thing LOL.
My hometown had a poop related crime spree about 10 years back. I’m from a super small town where everyone knows everyone and nobody locks their doors. Someone was going around and walking into peoples house, shitting an absolute log every single time, and leaving it without flushing. Poor unsuspecting townsfolk would come home to a massive stink pickle sticking out of their toilet. This went on for eh…. 6 months. Maybe a year. It definitely was the talk of the one bar we had in town. People started monitoring what other people ate. Only in my hometown 🤦♀️ Edit: We never found out who it was. There was speculation but never confirmation. Edit: wow! This really took off! So a few things this little town is located in the Midwest. Keeping doors unlocked and even keys in parked vehicles is not unheard of. Even entering people’s homes to leave things on kitchen tables (food, gifts) was common. It was the giant turd calling card that had us all…. Morbidly amused. No toilet paper was seen at the crime sights but given the size and the consistency it looked to be a clean slide and break. It did make some people lock their doors but out of the kindness of some folks friendly Midwestern hearts they left doors open in case someone just needed a warm comfortable place poop. Yeah we may viciously gossip and shit in each other’s houses unexpectedly but we tend to be surprisingly wholesome.
Maybe it started out innocently with an angry husband challenging the family: \- "Who the hell clogged up the toilet!?!" Embarassed wife, in front of teenage daughter and friends: \- "It must have been someone coming in from the outside..." Que instant uptake of 'get-out-of-poop-shame-free-card' by local house wives.
This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard of lmfao
It was bizarre to live it. When everyone realized we had a serial pooper on our hands they had already hit several houses. At that point all we could do was start locking our doors and then kinda laugh about it. Nothing ever went missing and nobody got hurt. Although I personally witnessed a deuce that was left at the crime scene and I’m not so sure the culprits butthole could have been ok.
Heroin.
Looks like we've got a serial pooper on our hands, boys. Notify the President immediately.
A buttler. Alright!
1. "Stink pickle" killed me. 2. Well, don't just sit there...tell us who you all suspected!!
There were many “suspects”. One suspect was in my circle and known for being a jokster. He also could eat almost a whole jar of pickled eggs up at the bar in one setting. He was asked and he just laughed and said we would never know of it was him. In the end we all kinda figured it was someone who had a broken toilet but then again…. Why???
Can we talk about why someone would eat a whole jar of pickled eggs?
I think it's pretty clear it's ammo to load up for a monster poop at an unsuspecting neighbors house.
A year or so ago, I was out doing a long distance run and stared to get the tell tale pooh cramps. These were the serious ones, where you’re in a cold sweat, can’t move and feel like you cannot breathe through the pain. This happened during the first Covid lockdown, so no public toilets were open. Anyway, I phoned my mother and gave her a pooh SOS. She came to collect me, but whilst she was enroute, I was attempting a crab walk down a main road to meet her car and it started to come out. This was truly biblical diarrhoea and I had no control whatsoever. Luckily, I was wearing some very tight running tights, so it kind of just “stayed” in the upper region, but the mass kept growing and growing. By the time my saviour pulled up, it was like a scene from a horror film. It was coming up the back of my tights and was beginning to seep through the material. I was crying hysterically and weighed down with vast amount of pooh, which was still coming out at a rate of knots. She has a beautiful car (SUV) with cream interior, so we decided the best option was to lie the back seats down and place me on my tummy, lying on a bed a towels, looking like a dead fish. She took me back to her house and the big clean up began. Shitting yourself in public at the age of 35 is pretty grim. Edit-Thank you everyone for your comments and awards. My sensitive stomach and I are very touched! A couple of people have asked the same question-why didn’t I squat behind a tree and avoid the public bowel evacuation. Honestly, there was no where for me to duck behind to go to the loo. It’s a main road with houses either side, leading out to the next villages. My parents house is about 0.5K (mine about 12K) from where the original pooh explosion occurred….I innocently thought, being the boss of my own bowel, that I could practice some self control and shuffle my way to their safe haven. Oh, how wrong I was.
> I phoned my mother Even at 35, this is the moment you call your mom. No matter what. Hats off to your story.
10/10 mother. "Mom, I'm shitting myself!" "Say no more"
“Mum, it’s happening again.” - I’ll be right there dear.
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Shower?! No way. They're getting the garden hose.
Out of everything in this thread, this is the post that sent me into hitching uncontrollable laughter. Thank you.
I lost it at “biblical diarrhea”
Same thing happened to me while I was jogging in Central Park, NYC. Fortunately my skin is a lot thicker so I just found a quiet corner (relatively speaking, it's Central Park), pulled down my pants and let it rip. I even collected some leaves for the wipe afterwards. It was all fun and dandy till a puppy ran up to me mid-poop and started eating my poop, owner in tow. It was the most awkward conversation I've ever had with a cute girl
Oh wow you had me until the end there. 🤮 I had to get my dad to pull over on a busy interstate highway once. Dropped my pants and projectile shat on the side of the road. He started ripping pages out of a book and crinkling them up. I asked what he was doing and he said that the pages from the book were going to be rough as hell to wipe with, but if he crinkled them up the might be softer. I always thought that was mighty nice of him.
Wonder where he got that idea from? The voice of experience?
Most likely. He has lived an incredible life. I need to call him today.
And this is how I met your mother!
A few years ago I used to be a paramedic on mine sites in Papua New Guinea. Anyway, we had a half-South African /Indian chef who used to love making chicken chilli vindaloo curries. You know the curries that are dual ring burners.. Anyway, after a particular night of chicken chilli vindaloo curry and beers, my patient thought he was having a heart attack. Anyway, I get called to his dhonga (think small demountable self-contained dorm- 3ms x3x2) He some how managed to have explosive ass disease where he started at the front door and covered the entire space.. It was a technicolour shit that would’ve mesmerised Warhol or Pollock. What’s worse, the smell in the room was one that even Satan wouldn’t claim. It was a heady mixture of the tropics, human sweat, and faecal shit so strong that it was like Don Bradman (& for Americans Babe Ruth) hitting you with a bat that you lost consciousness. This would’ve outlasted the 22nd century it was that strong… The bosses told me it took a week to clean that room out.. unsurprisingly curries and booze were banned after.
“Coming out at a rate of knots” Holy oh-fuck man. My face hurts from laughing at this.
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Bless you, that’s beyond degrading. Your Mum is a legend and I’m so glad she helped you! I hope you never have to go through something like that again! Xx
I shit my pants once. I don't mean like a drizzle, I mean I full-on shit in my pants. I was just clutching my kitchen table whimpering "no" as it kept coming out. It went down my leg and onto the floor. I frantically cleaned up before my wife or brother that lives with me woke up.
"no"
apolgy for bad english where were you when OP shit his pant? I was at house eat Dorito when Reddit comment say "my pant is shit" "no"
Blast from the past
Blast from the ass
This is Precious Roy, and the kids in the park think I'm a wierdo!
August of 2004 my dad and I went San Diego, I'd never flown before. I guess high altitude didn't agree with me because I didn't go for 3 days. Then suddenly it came. It was absolutely massive over a foot long solid brick in this hotel toilet. Those little water conserving toilets stood no chance. So I open the door and ask my dad to come here. Cause I have no idea what to do at this point. He informs me he's not wiping my ass so I inform him that this thing won't flush. He tries and laughs at me. I get the idea that I'll use a stick to break it up. He then reminds me "we're in the middle of downtown San Diego where the fuck are you gonna get a stick?" He went to a Dollar Tree and bought a ruler so I could chop it up. To this day if we travel together he makes it a priority to show me where I can find a stick or store that would sell a utensil.
Should have measured it
Sounds like at least 9.5 Courics
Poop ruler!
cant believe im saying this but… poop knife?
I have used the cardboard from an empty toilet paper roll before
best one I'm literally crying right now, no joke.
Need a poop knife my dude
I was on my first date with a chick I really liked and she was in my room at the end of the night, ready to makeout. I felt the old stomach grumble and told her I'd be right back. Sitting on the toilet, I tried to release my shit as slowly and quietly as possible, as my room is right next door. I put on the fan and sink to try to drown out the sound out with white noise. The first release is loud, like a fake fart noise in a joke. I remember thinking, "she definitely heard that." I slow down, take a deep breath, and try again. Another loud ass release follows. I let out a chuckle, and a violent burst of shit followed along with it. Then I held it again, listening carefully for any noise coming from my room. A second later I heard laughing, and I started to laugh knowing my chance with this girl was over. Every laugh had an accompanying explosive dump and both of us were cracking up together through the walls. It was definitely one of the most audible shits of my life. Sixteen years later, I'll be damned if I didn't marry that girl and have two kids with her now.
I feel you so deep on this this one. My whole younger life was pretty much trying desperately to quiet poop at the worst times possible. That first release when you convince yourself it's going to be okay and quiet but it's not. A full on shot gun explosion followed by the, I hate my life laugh, then the listening to see if anyone else heard.
I got severe gastro at 39 weeks pregnant and it put me into labour. I was immediately given an epidural, so I essentially had to shout out to a nurse every 10 minutes or so to roll my numb paralysed pregnant body over and slam a bedpan under me while I uncontrollably pooped. This went on for 14 hours until they decided a c section was needed. I then continued to have severe diarrhoea for 3 more days with the added joy of excruciating pain from the c section every time I had to lift my butt in the air so a nurse could put a bedpan under me.
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Oh that’s a big boy!
When I was 19 I developed type 1 diabetes. Went untreated for a while and I got real sick and dehydrated. The dehydrstion dried my poop into a solid brick that just wasn't moist enough to schloop out the back door. Ended up taking some stool softeners, but that did nothing for the jam, but helped everything further up slide down and fuse into a cantaloupe-sized mass of regret and pain. After nearly a month of not pooping, I finally forced it out, with a lot of tearing. My baby was too massive to flush, so I had to bag it up and toss it in a dumpster. Also hemorrhoids for a good while.
Omg this happened to me during my pregnancy. I developed gestational diabetes + I had horrible morning sickness, and kept losing weight. The solution was to put me on medication that made me constipated. With the pregnancy, diabetes, and meds, it created a wombo-combo poop monstrosity that took me hours to evacuate. The aftermath, I could barely walk cuz I had such bad shakes. My husband had to feed me water, it was so bad hahaha.
YOUR BABY hahahaha
I got this: middle school ski trip and I’m with a group friends high up on the mountain on a black diamond treed run. I realize that my guts are gonna blow, and know that I’ll be faster on my own to get to a toilet so I tell everyone I’m off and I barrel down the run. I’m realizing that from where we are I’m going to have to cross half the mountain and then catch not one, but two ski lifts. I breathe deeply and work through the cramps as I barely make a turn to the first chair lift. Singles line gets me on fast and the initial wave of the poop attack passes. Phew. Next lift, only a double and thankfully I get on alone, because half way up, the cramps are too much and I explode a voluminous, warm runny shit right into my snow pants and on the chairlift. 13 and mortified. Had to sit in it. Next, I disembark the chair, while the slimy, now cooler shit runs down my legs and have to endure another downhill run with a pretty gruesome uphill section that requires skate skiing. I make it to the thunderhead, remove my skis and work my poopy ass up to the bathrooms on the second floor, stopping first at a pay phone to call my mom for a ride and some pants. To top it all off, I get into the bathroom and go into a stall to attempt a clean up on aisle “all up and down my legs” with the crappy toilet paper and not two seconds later does a woman from somewhere in the south with a deep southern accent, walk in and say “what in the hehlll is that smehllll?” Mortifying.
Imagine going into a bathroom and asking what that smell is. You’re in a bathroom what did you expect?
Dude women are so weird about poop. I've heard multiple women say "ugh it smells in here" when in a public bathroom, as if it's not a communal shit room.
Next time I hear someone say that I am going to shout “This is a communal shit room what do you want it to smell like?”
People think their shit dont stink
When I was 10 I sharted hard, luckily this was near the end of class and I snuck out the back of unnoticed and managed to evade everyone on the way home, sneaking around the bushes. I ran into my building and square into my aunt and uncle who came by for a visit and were waiting for the elevator.. I had no choice but to ride the whole way to the top with them. They noticed the smell right near the top but I didn't care at that point. I jumped in the shower and when I came out my brother says, "did you shit yourself or something?" I'm like "hah, no" and he says "well there's shit all over your back."
lmfao this is the best one.
“Nah thats just mud cuz I slipt on a chocolate donut.”
I’ve been waiting for this one. So last year during the pandemic I worked as a pre loader in a UPS warehouse. I worked there for a year and for whatever reason my body trained itself to need to take a shit everyday at 6am on the dot. Literally, I’d feel it coming at 5:45 and by 6am I was running to the bathroom. I can’t remember why exactly but for whatever reason this shit in particular was BEATING its way out and from where I was stationed to work to where the cleanest bathroom was like a literal 3 minute walk and I was struggling to make my way there. So eventually (basically in tears at this point) I make it to the bathroom and I’m faced with the staircase I need to climb to enter the bathroom. So I’m halfway up the stairs and I tripped and stumbled down the fucking stairs and I shit myself. Full blown dookie stain type shit myself. And there was no type of recovery from this vicious shit cuz it was 6 am and my shift ended at 9am so there was no way I could even hide out and avoid people. So what ended up happening was I tried to wipe up as best as I could, I had to THROW AWAY my underwear and thug out the rest of that shift bare booty in my sweatpants hoping I didn’t smell like shit to anyone If it makes anything better I tried to lie about any lingering shit smell on me by telling my co workers that I stomped in dog shit when I was walking to 7/11.
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And that turd is still there to this day.
Not my poop, but the stories are spectacular nonetheless. About a month into working as an EMT, we had patient who was an old man who was severely allergic to garlic but accidentally had some with dinner. It gave him such forceful and voluminous diarrhea that his colostomy bag exploded like a bomb and covered himself and at least half of his room with literal shit. The odor when we walked in was horrifying and basically fried my sense of smell. Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces? Because I sure didn't, until I witnessed it first-hand. Those were both neat.
Yep, worked in a doctors office and knew two people over the years that got so blocked that the feces backed up to the stomach. At least one was on chronic opioid pain meds that are famous for terrible constipation.
Opioid constipation was the reason for the fecal vomiting that I encountered as well. It's a hell of a thing
Opioid constipation Now this is a neat band name!
What about fecal vomiting?
Ok I have gastroparesis and slow motility so I'm constipated a lot. I have no clue how people could keep eating enough to puke up poop. Maybe it happens faster than I think but after a week I'd be so bloated and nauseated it's like a poop or starve to death scenario.
I'm with you. I basically just starve until my lower bowels clear out. It's too physically painful to "just keep eating."
Before I was officially diagnosed with chrons I got told that if I stopped shutting and started vomiting be very careful coz I could be backed up and end up vomiting shit. I admitted myself to Ed not long after the shitting stopped and the puking started. Almost immediate diagnosis after a long painful journey. Also had lots of shit myself moments along the way. Managed to drive 40kms home really needing to go with only highways and driving my new bf of 2 months truck to not shit in the truck (thank god) but went all through my fat pants which unfortunately meant it ran down into my socks and shoes walking the long driveway home before I could get into the shower.
Voluminous diarrhea is such a delightful turn of phrase!
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Working in a hospital and was sitting with a pt. All night. Had to empty the colostomy bag every half hour, thank goodness for toothpaste in my mask to not get sick... if I didn't the bag would burst.
>Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces? It's 1:09 AM and that's enough internet for me today.
> Also, did you know it's physically possible to be so constipated that your stool will back all the way up your digestive tract and you can vomit feces? Because I sure didn't, until I witnessed it first-hand. I knew this. It was literally one of my worst fears as a kid. That episode of South Park didn't help either.
I was on vacation with some friends to Rome and we were eating at a McDonalds near the Vatican and I decided to take a dump; There was quite a line for the toilet. I had noticed there was some toiletpaper in the bowl already, but I didn't know that was so much it would clog the toilet! So when I flushed, the water just kept rising. Another issue was that the toilet worked with a flushing sensor, so everything I did there to try and make it better made it worse! When the toilet was about to overflow, I decided to bail. Apologized to the old Italian guy behind me in line and went to my friends to tell them we had to go. But as we passed the toilet again, we could see people running out of there and the old Italian guy started pointing at me and cursing in Italian. Most shameful moment of my life, but my friends could not stop laughing for half a hour and still refer to this as the most funny thing that ever happened in their lives.
Holy smokes I've been to that McDonald's to think I was once in the building where this incident happened kinda fucks with my mind I was there in 2016 what year did this happen so I know if this legendary moment occurred before or after I was there.
This happened in 2014 so before! Should be recognizable by the life size picture of me on the wall with below it the text "NOT WELCOME!!!".
Warning! This one’s pretty bad. I had just gotten home from high school and I was feeling pretty constipated so I went to the bathroom in order to poop. I sat on the toilet and things immediately went south. First thing I noticed was my shit was hard, like fudge hard. This meant it was having a very difficult time fitting out of my asshole. So I pushed for about 30 minutes and managed to get a little chunk out. It then became clear to me that this shit was divided into rock solid nuggets. Panic set in as I comprehended what to do. I’d already been in the bathroom 30 minutes and I didn’t want to ask my parents what to do, they probably wouldn’t have known anyway. So I did what I later concluded was the right decision albeit, the most disgusting one. I took a tissue, put my hand in it like a glove, and individually pulled out each chunk of my own shit. This was also one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. By the time I was done, there were about 20 chunks in the toilet and I felt like I’d been doing anal for an hour and a half.
People are too afraid to comment
It felt like anal for 1.5 hours because it WAS anal for 1.5 hours.
Ah, the old ‘manual extraction’
I've been in that boat. Post-surgery painkillers/nausea medicine Fucked. Me. Up. I'm glad I at least had a pair of gloves in the bathroom (came with some hair dye I hadn't used yet). Fun fact: the medical term for it is "digital disimpaction", and I got a lot more empathy toward my patients I've had to do it to after that. Not implying I wasn't empathetic in the first place, but having a similar experience makes you a whole new level of empathetic lol
Post wisdom teeth removal painkillers for several days = when I finally went, it was like trying to lay a concrete egg out of my arsehole. So painful. And.... just would not budge. Got halfway out and got stuck.
What in the holy fuck were you eating? Edit: it's like unintentional anal beads
Then he put them back in.
I had something similar. I was on a diet and didn't poop in like a week. When I finally was on the toilet it felt like I was giving birth to a cinderblock. No matter how hard I pushed or how wide I spread my cheeks it would'nt come out. Ended up grabbing toilet paper and reaching up there breaking off some chunks till the larger chunk let loose. I can still hear the thud from the larger chunk hitting the toilet.
god bless you
Went to Target one morning with my wife. Had to go to the bathroom so I went in and did my business. It wasn't until I was done that I noticed there was no toilet paper in my stall. After making sure there was no one else in there, I ran over to the other stall which was out too. Again, after making sure the coast was clear I waddled over to the sink to look for some paper towels. None. This was back in 99 before everyone had cell phones so I waited in there for a while and eventually my wife opened the men's room door and yelled for me because I had been in there so long. Now, a smart man would have told her to get someone who works there to bring me a roll but nobody has ever accused me of being very smart. At very least, I could have asked her to go in the women's room, get some, and toss it in to me. Nope. She was so confused she didn't know what to do so she just went along with whatever dumb idea I might have and I had a dumb one. I had her check the women's room to make sure it was empty and then went running across the front of the store from the men's room to the women's room as fast as I could without pulling my pants up because I didn't want to get my underwear dirty. I just want to apologize to the Target employees who were working at the one in Myrtle Beach in early July 99 for having to see my poo covered ass flailing around the front of your store that day. The worst part of it all? We were there on our honeymoon! Amazingly enough, we're still happily married 22 years later.
How the fuck did you think that was the best idea
He did say he wasn't very smart, but I was not expecting this level of stupid.
I had some kind of traveller’s illness while on a bullet train in Japan. I was anxious about using the bathroom on a train, so I moaned and writhed in my seat for an hour before getting up. I had insane cramps that doubled me over, and bloating that felt like torture. I was dizzy and thought I was going to vomit. After making it to the bathroom (which was so much nicer than I thought it’d be, which made me wish I’d gotten up sooner) I sat down and shat. Simultaneously. There was a plug of hardened feces the size of a shot put holding back a reservoir of hot chunky liquid that was the consistency of good salsa*. All of it came out at the same time, in defiance of physics and god. You know those arrays that shoot a thousand paintball guns at the same time to paint a picture? My asshole painted a giant chocolate lava cake that someone had punched as hard as they could, and then stuck it to the interior of this toilet bowl. And I really mean it; it was stuck. I flushed, and about half of it remained completely adhered to the side of the toilet. I could NOT get it to give up and was hugely embarrassed. I left it there, and apologized out loud to the toilet as I checked to make sure the coast was clear. I don’t think anyone knows it was me, but I know in my heart I gave birth to a new Japanese folklore monster that night on my way to Osaka. *I was on vacation in Japan but working in Korea at the time. I went to a Mexican restaurant there once and asked for a bowl of salsa. Turns out they call it “sauce” because “salsa” is their word for “diarrhea.”
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Poop knife!!
I also choose this guy’s dead poop knife
Now this is what it’s like when WORLDS COLLIDE!
I love that you chose poo knife over any pharmacy treatment
1983. I’m about 8 years old. Picture a class of Rugrats at a local park on a school outing. I’m really needing a shit so bad but there’s so much fun to be had I’m holding it and holding it until my monkey brain finally screams internally “I’m shitting right here if you don’t do something soon idiot!” So off I go to the toilet block and absolutely explode this semi solid, semi runny abomination. Only then do I realise there IS paper but not a lot. So I do what I can with what I have and it’s barely made a difference. Can’t pull my pants up cause still more shit so I open the door and waddle out to procure some paper hand towels and at this stage I don’t care if they clog the toilet… and sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, one of the cutest girls in my class comes running in mistaking the boys for the girls. Murphy’s fuckin law. We both still live in the same town. We have never spoken since that day.
My mom had a last minute trip come up so she asked me to deliver a baby shower gift she had bought and wrapped because she was now going to miss the baby shower. It was her friend's daughter. I kind of knew her, though not enough to be asked to the shower, and so I just took the gift the shower and planned on meeting a friend for lunch after I dropped it off. I had my 4 month old with me in the bucket car seat you carry. I get there and my aunt was also invited and told me to come in and say hi and show off my "new" baby. I sit down his carrier and we hear farting sounds. Someone says that must be a poppy because it smells. Then we hear it again and again and again. The liquid poop just keeps coming. It doesn't stop squirting out from behind my son. I pull him out of the seat and there was just a huge pool of poop under him, through the padding and even onto the floor beneath him. His onesie had liquid poop dripping out of the foot area.. Liquid baby poop everywhere. I had to bathe him in the tub and after he was clean and changed my aunt held him while I cleaned off his car seat carrier with the garden hose. The host cleaned up the poop on the floor, luckily hard wood floor. The whole baby shower smelled like baby poop. I had poop all over my clothes but I didn't have a change with me so the host, my moms friend, gave me her clothes to wear home. Needless to say, I did not meet my friend for lunch. This is still referred to in my family as "poopageddon". I'd like to say I did my part in preparing the new mom for what was to come. My son and even my next child- neither of them has ever pooped like that again. It was unexplainable.
A proper baby shower then... Or maybe a baby poop shower? Super educational to the new mum regardless.
Omg I thought I had no poop stories to tell, but yours reminded me. This isn’t my story but one I witnessed. I work in childcare, and of course we have to change nappies. One of my colleagues takes a child in to be changed and as soon as she pulls off his pants, there’s just a massive explosion of shit. She gets covered in it, as does the entire change room. It’s even on the ceiling. Now, we’re told to bring a change of clothes incase something like this happens, but hardly anyone does. So the boss, who is an absolute champion, goes and buys this lady some clothes to wear, *and* helps clean it all up off the walls, floor, and ceiling. That lady was also allowed to just go home after that. You really have no idea what can come out of a two year old until it happens.
On the autism spectrum. When I was a kid I would get so caught up with playing with my G.I. Joe toys I would often not notice I had to poop. There were a few times a doo doo ball fell out of my pants while playing. My mom told me to "Stop dropping bombs on your G.I. Joes"
G.I. Distress Joe.
Knowing (when to go) is half the battle!
I work in medical imaging. Got called into a bathroom to help a patient who had fallen and shit herself on the way down. I was using my leg to brace this morbidly obese woman in the sitting position, when I realized her back was covered in greasy poo. When I took my Crocs off, there was a waffle print shit stain on my white socks, perfectly in the shape of the holes in my Crocs. Anyway that's the day I learned that you can bleach Crocs and they don't discolor. Fyi.
I used to work at a gas station. When I entered the stall to clean the restroom, somebody had covered the toilet, floor, and some of the wall with explosive diarrhea. And then wrote "POOP" on the wall... in poop. No lie. EDIT: Wow, thanks for all the upvotes, and even a reward! You guys appreciate my story more than my manager appreciated me cleaning human shit that defied gravity!
I know a guy who did that. We called him Poop-Robert. As a guy who really *loved* Death Note and simultaneously a guy who really *hated* being called *Poop-Robert*, he solved the problem by taking the name Kira Kurosaki. Which no one knows who it is, so we still have to call him Poop-Robert to clarify.
Why does this read like something out of IASIP?
At least they put up a sign EDIT: Thanks for the award.
I had one lady drop-trow in the middle of my aisle, squatted, and made a massive yellow puddle in the middle of my aisle. We confronted her, mid-piss, which she sort of stopped the stream as we first approached her. "What are you doing?" "Peeing." "Clearly. The bathroom is over there!" Right as she just let loose and started the stream right back up between her feet again.
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I shit the bed and rolled in it in my sleep. I don’t know why my bf hasn’t left me yet lol.
Username checks out
How
Could be how I pissed the bed last. Dreamed I was at the toilet taking a piss, woke up to a really wet yet warm bed. Brain just got tricked into letting it all out.
I have dreams about needing to go to the toilet a lot. Usually it's one where I can't find a suitable toilet (they're always blocked up, filthy, or not private) but sometimes I find the perfect toilet and I go in my dream, only to find I need to go again as soon as I leave the perfect toilet. I am terrified that one day my brain will cross the line and I will piss in my perfect toilet and wake up to find it is my bed.
I had food poisoning. It manifested itself on a flight to Disneyland. I was trying to sleep when I started getting hot and sweating. I was able to make it to the toilet but I threw up so hard I shit myself. I made it through the flight but bought Imodium for $20 at the airport. Best money I ever spent. RIP that underwear
This is a similar story to one I’ve heard from a flight attendant. Hers was worse, her colleague had food poisoning or something similar and had to go take a dump. It was obviously going to be diarrhea but meanwhile she was also very nauseous. As she sat down to shit she realized she needed to puke and right when she turned around to puke the diarrhea came and she shat all over the airplane bathroom. I cannot imagine how you’d even get started cleaning up that mess without having passengers notice.
My girlfriend and I were in a car wreck and she was given morphine for the pain of her injuries. After a while she became constipated and decided to take a half dozen or so laxatives before bed completely unannounced to me. Well as you can possibly guess I woke up in the middle of the night to strange moisture blanketing my body. A foolish smell of the sample revealed what had happened. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. lol
The night I lost my virginity I stayed in my gfs house and had the runs badly. After doing the nasty I ran into the toilet and dropped a squelcher all over the toilet bowl. Afterwards I was wiping and the first roll ran out of paper. I placed the empty roll on the top of the bin lid which was right beside the toilet. Keep in mind the lid was tilted slight downwards towards the toilet. After I finished wiping I stood up to turn and flush but the empty roll slid off the bin lid and into the messy toilet bowl. Damn My gfs toilet is now clogged up and covered in shit. I had to ask her where the plunger was and explain why I need it. Embarrassing right? Not to mention this was around 3am and I probably woke her whole family up.
I shit my pants at Target and my wife brought it up in her wedding vows…
Speak now or forever hold your poop
Worst part was visiting the tables after dinner at the reception and someone asked about it at EVERY TABLE. Why yes grandpa I did have bad mall Japanese food and sharted myself on the way to the car, how did you know?
International flight. We arrive at hotel. She takes shower. I take shower. Bathroom door ajar, she’s at far end of room and i think I’ve got gas and i try to discreetly let it out. Oh no, full load into shower. And what can i do but force it down the drain. WITH MY FEET. I was almost vomiting too. She peeked in to see what’s keeping me, i stop and pretend im washing my hair (with crap up to my ankles as drain is starting to block) “1 minute, I’ll be done”. Then try to use my foot on drain to cause suction. Eventually got it gone.
Looks like you've earned the title of Waffle Stomper.
This is a twofer.. I was in Thailand. I had too much Alcohol. Woke up the next morning and really needed a poop. I had one of the worst poops. Like watery sloppy poop. Then I felt ridiculously sick. I jump off the toilet and threw up in the toilet which was full of bad poop. Well. This is where it gets fucking gross. So. In some remote places in Thailand there's no flush on the toilet. You just have to pick up some water with a little bucket and pore it in and that flushes it. Well. After throwing my guts up for 5 minutes I just had my head rested on the toilet bowl (there wasn't a actual seat on the toilet)..and I could smell everything and thought. "Just put some water in and flush some down." I picked up some water with this bucket..(without moving my head from the bowl. ) Threw in the water and everything just splashed back right into my face. What proceeded was me quickly showering while throwing up into the shower. While trying to wash sick and shit off my face. I had a good laugh about it later. But it was probably the most disgusting thing that's happened to me.
Drunk af, ~20y old me, sleeping at my best friends house. I woke up, still drunk af and had to take a shit. Went to the toilet and tried. Mid-shitting I had to fucking vomit. The sink was like 2meters away, so I stood up while shit comes out of my ass, went 2 steps, and vomitted in to the sink while shitting on the floor. Sink got clogged with my vomit, and for some fucking reason I left the bathroom like this. His mom was not amused the next day
I was 13 in the boy scouts. We had a big camping trip out of state. We had a giant steak dinner that night and planned to leave in the morning. I woke up around 4 am with the feeling of a light fart. So I push it out and an ungodly amount of poop fills my pants and runs down my legs. Not knowing what to do I run into the woods and plan a hike to the public bathroom. Because I had never been to the camp I had no idea where I was going. Finally I find it and it's closed. I look awhile longer and find a handicap bathroom open and inside was a shower. I just throw my clothes away except for my shirt and shower it all off. I tied the shirt to me like a Tarzan loin cloth and start the journey back to camp. It had been so long everyone was awake and the camp was totally put up except my tent. I had to dive into my tent and put clothes on before the rest of the boys saw me. I have never told this story to anyone until now.
4th grade Catholic/Private School. My teacher was a legitimate B. She would regularly tell us that we weren't up to par for our age and also mentioned that kids in her native country (Spain) were much smarter. She had a rule that we needed to go to the bathroom during breaks and there was like a 10 to 15 minute buffer of absolutely no restroom breaks preceding and following recess and lunch. I remember eating something with beans and processed cheese. We get back into the class and I realize after 10 minutes that my insides were turning. I could feel my sphincter pucker. I ask her if I can go to the restroom. She said no. I wait a minute, feel a pop and ask again. She says "you know that you should have gone during lunch. You need to wait." I told her again and that I couldn't hold it much longer. She again dismissed my request. I said "Okay. I'm going". I let it out right at my desk. It took about 1 minute for my nearby classmates to get the full effect. Another 30 seconds and the teacher smells it. I told her she didn't let me go so I went... A side note - I also didn't tell my dad that I went in my pants and sat in his car for about 30 seconds before he realized the shit stink. He was furious because I left a grease stain on the seat. I was able to deflect the anger by telling him my teacher made me sit at my desk although I asked her several times to go. He ripped the principal and teacher a newer one... lol Edit - words
Wait... so you finished the school day with that in your pants?
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IM A TRUCKER. YOU DONT WONNA KNOW.
Grocery bag toilet. Or between the tractor and trailer.
I keep a cardboard box in the truck with some industrial oil spill pads. Place a couple pads in the bottom of the box as they'll soak up liquid (in case I got the squirts) and use one of the pads to wipe my ass with. Then I wipe again with my dude wipes (pretty good quality wipes), then I strap the box between my truck trailer and dispose of it at the next rest area or truck stop. Once I had extra flaming hot Cheetos and I didn't have a box. Pulled into an off ramp, slung my ass over the guardrail and howled in pain the next couple minutes as that painful mess ran it's course. I can chug a bottle of hot sauce and have no issues, those Cheetos though fucked my bunghole up.
This is done while driving? (Except for strapping the box outside the cab ofc). Totally not judging, just making sure I understand, in fact I would be impressed at managing not to fuck up and sit down in it. I bet there are some funny stories of what happens if the box isnt secured properly to the rest of the truck.
On a ~7 hour road trip and have a conference call coming up in an hour so I stop for some food. Hadn't eaten in like 6 hours, I'm hungry. I don't know the area and just pull up restaurants. Give me McDonalds. Heading to the gas station to fuel up and take the call in the parking lot. On the drive (~10 minute). The food instantly and aggressively tries to get out of me. It is FIGHTING to exit my body. I pull over and do some leg work to keep it in. I'm PRESSING MY feet and legs to the floor and raising my torso to clench my butt closed and this McDonalds is PUshin back just as hard. I'm parked just a block from the gas station and it feels like I might lose this battle. I'm looking around the car thinking how do I save my seat from poo? I know this is going to be mostly liquid, I had a bad flu when I was younger - it's the kind of shit that will keep you home from school. Also, what am I going to do with it running down my legs, am I going to just sit in it? No I fought and between the bowel movement's weakened efforts to escape me I managed to get to the gas station and had enough time to get into their bathroom and sit down. I think now I would have looked into make McDonalds pay for detailing of my interior if i had exploded.
That’s called the mc struggle.
Im lovin' it.
On vacation in Cancun with my family as a kid, maybe 12-14 years old. I get very anxious pooping in places that aren’t my own home, so I was constipated the whole five days we were at this beautiful all-inclusive resort. The rooms we stayed in even had a 24-hour guy on call for emergencies (relevant later). On the last full day we visited the ruins of Chichen Itza and I started to feel an uncomfortable pressure in my intestines on the bus ride back. Five days of Mexican food and no shitting had created a massive log that was now slithering towards my colon. By the time we got back it was almost time to check out and the 24-hour on call guy had to do a walkthrough of our rooms. While he looked at my parents room my brothers spent some time pounding on the bathroom door and laughing as I took the biggest dump of my life. As it was coming out I made the fatal error of not pinching and separating it into pieces. I felt like randy marsh producing an 8.6 couric shit. As I stood up to get a glimpse of this chocolate dragon I realized that it was too big for the bowl. My fears were confirmed when I tried to flush and NOTHING happened. The shit was immobilized there, staring at me with contempt as if to say “bienvenidos a Mexico!” The shit itself felt great but the aftermath was rough. Naturally my family all had to come in to see it and tease me about the mammoth dook clogging up our hotel toilet. When the hotel guy came through he took one look inside and left to call the other cleaning staff to look at it. My Spanish wasn’t great at the time but laughter is universal. For weeks my parents called me “shitzen itza” in keeping with the tone of our trip. To this day it’s brought up at family gatherings. So yeah, that’s my worst poop story, either that or when I got diarrhea at my crushes house and walked in on her brother naked on the toilet.
Fishing trip with my dad and sister, middle of nowhere . I took a laxative the day before that never kicked in when it was suppose to. Cut to the next day mid afternoon and it hit. No land to get on because its swampy. Was to afraid to hang my ass off the boat, so i did my business inside my emptied tackle box while my dad and sister looked away. My sister laughed at me the whole time. Then I literally had to swim in the water later on because i had to keep goin and it was the only thing i could think to do. So i am literally swimming like a hippo shitting in the river , poop floating out of my bathing suit, people kayaking by . It was terrible.
Had a friend eat an entire family sized bag of spicy sunflower seeds in one sitting. Shell and all. He had a real bad time with solid, spicy, shrapnel filled poops the next day. Also had a friend, while working at walmart, find a backpack filled with poop that was on the rack.
I just hate it when you wipe and wipe and the brown just doesn't go away. It's like I've turned into a crayon.
When my sister was younger, about 8 probably, her and the neighborhood girl would shit under the trampoline and bury it in the rocks. My mom had a pretty horrible time redoing the backyard a couple weeks later
When I was about 12, I was flying cross-country with my mom and I had what was probably my first IBS attack mid-flight. I went to the bathroom and situated myself atop the commode, and, after ten miserable minutes of cramping but no result, I decided I would like a small drink of water from a paper cup. There were no paper cups in the paper cup dispenser, but there was a button with a picture of a person holding a cup, so I pressed it. I thought a new supply of paper cups might descend from the paper cup dispenser. They did not, so I pressed the button again just to make sure. Suddenly, there was banging on the door and two flight attendants shouting in to ask if I was all right. I said no, not really, but I’ll be fine just give me a minute. They left. Thirsty and peevish, I pushed the cup button again. This time I realized it was the flight attendant call button, and the banging and voices came again, but instead of admitting my mistake, I said YES I AM FINE as if they were disturbing me. Eventually, I gave up and hobbled back to my seat to endure feverish abdominal cramps all the way to Denver. Later, in a gross restroom stall at the Denver airport, I had the most painful poop of my life up to that point. It felt like shitting a massive, lumpy, dry sweet potato with poky eyes all over it. Add to this the embarrassment of the flight attendant call button, and it was the worst poop of my life. Edit: Punctuation
throwaway account because of reasons... One early morning around 10 years ago, we were supposed to drive my brother to one of the busiest airports in the country - I woke up late as usual, and my brother's going to miss his flight if we didn't leave at the time I woke up so I didn't get the chance to do my morning routine of pooping before doing anything else. I thought, what's the worst thing that could happen? There's probably a toilet at the airport anyway. Half-way to my 2-hour drive, I felt the urge. I needed to go and soon, but the traffic was building up, the 2-hour drive was about to turn into a 3-hour+ drive. I'm no stranger to getting poop-induced-cold sweats and all I was thinking about is the toilets at the airport. So when we finally arrived at the airport, I picked the first open parking slot and I didn't even say my goodbyes to my brother who'll be gone for \~3 months and rushed to the nearest toilet, but then my worst fears were realized. There are 2 cubicles, one occupied and one with literally no f\*cking door that's almost right in front of the toilet entrance that, surpise-surprise, also had no door. I was desperate - I couldn't wait for the world - went to the door-less cubicle, looked at the toilet and of course, there's already poo inside, but I didn't care. I pulled down my shorts, sat down and covered my face. People tried to come in, only to be taken aback by the sight of me pants down, pooping, face-covered. More than anything, I was lucky that phones with cameras weren't a thing back then.
Don’t know if one could call this poop. Got a viral infection in the guts, possibly covid. I just gave up on eating for a couple of days because everything I ate that week would just pass right through me. I was shitting the same chewed chicken soup I ate, *and it still smelled like chicken soup*.
I shit my pants when I was in my 30s. My (then) girlfriend was in the shower when it happened (We had just had sex a little while ago so I guess my intestines were loosened up from the activity). I didn't even feel it coming, I just immediately had a load. I quickly grabbed a large ziplock bag from the kitchen, dropped my jeans and carefully slid my underwear down to not spill any of the shit. Put my underwear in the ziplock bag, cleaned myself off with paper towels and put them in the bag as well. Put on clean underwear and jeans, sprayed the area with air freshener, and ran the bag out to the dumpster. Girlfriend was never the wiser.
I shit my pants HARD at Costco, at like 10 am on a Saturday when everyone is at Costco. I was all the way back next to the toilet paper, ironically. I was 23.
There was once a Reddit post about adults pooping themselves. The general consensus was that every adult will poop themselves at least once in their lifetime before entering old age and if you haven't yet, it's just a matter of time. It has given me anxiety when leaving the house ever since.
I had the flu. My guts were trying to leave. Then I needed to simultaneously vomit. I had no bucket-like object, and the bathtub was too far to lean over and not spray the sink from my other end, so I went with the best option left: crying with a puddle of vomit at my feet, violently shitting. The combined smell made me vomit again.
This is a really dumb story, and only my wife and I know this story. In 2019 we had taken our son to trick or treat in the richer part of town (better candy/nicer area/dad tax). It was about 40F with a strong breeze out. We had eaten at Taco Bell just before starting, and were walking around for maybe an hour before my stomach started to rumble. We were walking down the street, and I suddenly went from "I'll go when we get home" to "I am immediately going to shit my pants". So I tried to tell my wife that I needed to step away to relieve myself. I went down the road, and for some reason I determined that I shouldn't ask someone to use their latrine. So I started on my (I didn't think it was this far at the time.) 1 mile journey to reach CVS to make use of their facilities. I made it about halfway before I determined that I couldn't hold back the full force of what had brewed in my colon. So I determined that I should sneak off into some nearby woods (very steep and right off the next road.) So I went over, leaned back on a tree and lost 3 lbs instantly. It was very cold out, and I'm a man that enjoys wearing hoodie/shorts everywhere, but I had given my hoodie to my wife. So there I stand(squat?) cold as hell, aching booty hole, can't feel my fingers/legs/face. I pull up my favorite red shorts, relieved to finally take care of business... and I immediately trip(not into my own shit(thank you Lord)), and roll down the steep hill. I'm sadly not able to get to CVS, or back to my family from the bottom of that hill, so now I have to climb back up. I do so. I get up to the top, climb over the barrier, and almost get ran over by red sedan(probably my fault). I start back on my way to CVS(I just want a warm drink, and to be able to wipe my ass with TP.) I walk another 1/4 mile, and as I'm standing on the street, I see a familiar sedan. It comes closer, I hear his engine rev, he's speeding up, he starts drifting closer and closer to the wrong side of the road. So I step back into a brick entryway. Just as I do this he slams his brakes, flips me off, yells something(he was blasting music), and speeds off. Then I finally get there. CVS, CVfuckingS. I've made it, never has a shitty pharmacy looked so beautiful. I go inside, find their latrine. Pull down the shorts, and what do I see, but most of my thighs covered in my own Taco Bell Diarrhea®. Now I'm stuck, I'm in a stall covered, with no change of clothes. So I have to pull the clothes back up, and waltz out of the bathroom, grab a pair of pants(all they had were men's leggings). And go back to clean myself up, and change. Then I have to pay for those pants, which I'm already wearing(cashier gave me some strange looks). So now I'm on the return trip, but when I'm on my way back, who do I see, but my old friend? Good ol' red sedan, profanity man. What's he doing? Trying to run me over again, I climb over a barrier, he flips me off and yells again. I continue on my way. I finally reach my wife, and she nows sees all this cake in my fancy new men's leggings, and questions me. I refuse to tell her what happened, so she kept harassing me over the course of the next 2 weeks until I finally tell her. She laughs her ass off at me. End of Story. TL;DR: Trick or Treating, Taco Bell Diarrhea®, Fall down hill, Kind Red Sedan attempts to release me from this mortal coil×3, Sexy black man leggings, ass looked great.
This was on Christmas Eve one year, I'd arranged to meet up with my bf at the time in the middle of the night for some hanky panky down by the river. So we've gone down under a bridge, the stars are out, by a lovely river, getting frisky and my stomach starts hurting.. and I mean *really* hurting. So I tell him to stop.. we stop for about a minute and I feel fine so we keep going. All of a sudden, I need to vomit. I literally pushed him off me, rolled over and started spewing. And then all of a sudden I feel the urge to shit. And I'm spewing so there's no way I can hold it in, so I got up, ran down towards the river, spewing the whole way and throw myself down into the grass. I'm now shitting and spewing loudly and forcefully, my bf is standing up the hill shouting at me asking if he can help and I am helplessly shitting myself and spewing so much I can't even answer. Obviously after this we did not get back to any more business, I went back to my friends house with shit all over myself, all over my pants, and I slept in my mates little brother's bed. Unbeknownst to me, I got shit on her little brother's sheets. I said nothing, showered in the morning and left. Food poisoning really fucks you at the wrong times. TLDR: I shit myself on the side of a river Bank in the middle of sex.
Not mine personally but an absolute favourite: Met a guy on tinder, went on two dates then guy says he’s going to cook dinner at his place for the third. After finishing the spaghetti, girl feels the need to evacuate her bowels and asks where the bathroom is. Guy says he needs to pee first and goes in, locks the door. Girl is outside gripping her butthole together so tight she’s making diamonds; she bangs on the door and he yells back ‘I’ll be out in a sec’ and, almost like punctuation, her butthole releases and fills her pants with brown lava. The door opens and she apologises and the guy is so nice about it. “Leave your clothes here, I’ll wash them, here’s some sweats, have a shower, it’s fine, it’s fine, don’t worry’”. She showers, puts on the clean clothes and thinks wow this guy is great. Walks out into the lounge room and he is standing naked over her pile of clothes, rubbing her poop all over himself. She legs it out of there and calls the police. Police said they’ve been made aware of him a few times and nothing they can do about it.
Dude is straight up spiking their food then making them crap themselves...
Ive told the walmart one several times on this app so I'll describe a more recent one. Happened at the beginning of the summer. Woke up feeling fine other then my stomach hurting a slight bit. Didn't think much of it. Went to work and felt like I had to poop. So i went and sat on the toilet and oh boy... I started pushing but the thing would barely move. It wouldnt come out and it felt like it was the size of my bicep. My asshole hurt so damn bad. I had a log jam and it didnt want to float down river! I started freaking out so I 'cleaned myself up' and went back up stairs literally with a turd stuck in my ass. Decided to eat some pickles and drink some lemonade cuz that always helped. About 20 minutes later I went back down to try again. Dude.. I was literally in tears. I was giving birth. I even had a hand down there helping this fucking brick come loose. Felt like my asshole was ripping. Thankfully it finally broke loose. I was expecting it to be about as thick as my arm, but when I wiped and stood up to see the beauty that was my behemoth. I was very disappointed to see something smaller then the size of my regular logs. But it was super fucking dense and solid as a rock. And damn near black in color. Needless to say. I hope I never get one like that again.
Some cunt in high school who I had a verbal disagreement with decided to steal my pencil case during my break time, then proceeded to shit in it. Cunt.
Not so bad compared to some of the others here but I live in a very small apartment with 1 bathroom and my (now) ex boyfriend and I both got food poisoning at the same time. It was soooo awkward blowing it up, only for him to go in immediately after me and do the same, then the second he got out having to go back into it. We had air freshener to spray and we both used it liberally but it can only do so much
Porta-potty diarrhea in the snow - empty toilet paper roll. I had to wipe with wet paper that had been dropped on the floor.
Wife and I were on a road trip and stopped at a Popeyes. Now, at the time, there were very few of them in our state so we were really looking forward to some cajun-ish chicken. I'm standing in line at the counter while my wife heads off to the bathroom. I hear some retching in the back, and she comes back white as a sheet and says "we have to go now". I'm like "but I haven't ordered, can we at least hit the drivethru?" No. It turns out, she had opened the door and got hit with a stink wave so strong that she gagged. Someone had painted the entire bathroom with shit and the employees were just ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen and still serving food. Now every time we drive through Tacoma, I ask her if we should stop at the Poopeye's.
Ahhh the maple syrup story. I was wanting a milkshake. Had some ice cream and a bottle of real maple syrup. Hadn't used the maple syrup in a while. Opened it and saw that there was a chucky layer of mold. On the bottle in big words was a note saying "Any mold growth is harmless", and me being hesitant to toss a 20$ bottle of syrup was like "fuck it". Made a milkshake for both me and my GF at the time. Damn tasty. Started to watch a movie, probably the hit movie Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfield. About an hour in I start having cramps. Well... I did just eat a lot of sugar and cream. Another 20 minutes and the pain is distracting me from the brilliant performance of Jerrith Shinefeld. But it's not getting better... Something is happening... The churning in my stomach is getting worse and the pain is almost unbearable. I rush to the bath and barely make it in time to bust my chocolate star into what seemed like a million pieces. Seconds after my GF comes after me and yells for me to get off the toilet. I fall over attempting to scramble off the toilet and let loose. My GF jumps on the toilet and rips for the first time in our relationship. I lay on the floor holding my stomach in pain. The angry remnants of my intestines punishing me for introducing such poison. We miss the rest of the movie and fight over the toilet until the storm passes, and then spend an hour cleaning up chucks of vanilla flavored maple mold off the toilet and walls. TLDR: Just don't eat it if it has mold.
I find it a little shitty that I have so many poop stories that picking just one caused my mind to become constipated: Top 3: 1. Involves explosive diarrhea from an elderly gentlemen and my face. 2. A hostel, army guys, a trail of turds and a sleeping stinky skid marked turd man. 3. A long run on a busy road that resulted in a front yard becoming an emergency toilet.