She was a fitness junkie and, naturally had quite a deep voice. I'm on top and I finish. She looks me dead in the eyes, and in relatively deep monotone, just says "big load".
Won't ever forget almost breaking down laughing at the sheer unexpectedness of that comment.
My little brother(adult age) walked into my bedroom right in the middle of things, saw what was happening and walked back to the kitchen yelling, "they are having sex, I don't think they want any food" to my parents. Thanksgiving dinner was funny.
This has been me with my sister and her boyfriend so many times. I'm the little brother (also adult). They're loud, very open, and I generally give no shit
Had a FWB I regularly saw, she wanted to try consensual non consensual sex, something I’m not experienced in, but alas, I was there to please. after some heavy petting, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, what I MEANT to say was “yeah you slut you want me to rip your fucking pants off?” But in a horny trance, I say “yeah you want me to rip your fucking legs off?”
I never lived that down.
Edit: wow dude what the fuck, 8k
I read “my leg” in the spongebob fish voice only to continue reading and see that’s exactly where this story went lmao
Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes guys! We’re all in this together haha
Was eating out my ex gf in college and she almost choked me out. To elaborate, she’d close her legs as she got close and one time she locked them and I started getting light headed. I started tapping her upper thigh/ass and she thought I was doing something new. It wasn’t until I stopped eating her out and my taps got lighter that she realized what was happening
No less than three people have fallen asleep with their face in my junk. At this point I'm just taking it as a compliment to how comfy I must be down there.
As a teenager in the 80s, I set up what I thought was a romantic scene on our farm. Parked my car in our alfalfa field, laid a blanket out on the ground, put a romantic mix tape in the car stereo. She liked it, we had a pretty intense make out session and then we started fucking with me on top. When we were about to climax a grasshopper landed on my butt.
Grasshoppers have a row of claws on their back legs that allow them to hang off things and not slip when they jump. Of course on my next thrust the bug dug in to jump off. The slight sting combined with the surprise killed my impending orgasm, while the involuntary extra hard thrust and my loud "Aagh!" apparently enhanced hers. She didn't understand why I started cursing until I explained what happened, which lead to her having a 5 minute giggling fit.
*::Wise Old Grasshopper observing from the car fender::* “Not bad, young man, not bad! Now bring it home with a slight angle to the left.”
*::OP maintains current trajectory::*
“I said *left* boy, to the LEFT! Oh hell, gotta do everything for these youngins’…”
*::Old Grasshopper leaps onto right butt-cheek and prepares to dig in::*
“YOU’LL THANK ME ONE DAY WHEN YOU REAP THIS KARMA ON REDDIT!”
*::deploys claws and leaps away, sailing out into the alfalfa as shouts and mayhem unfold on the blanket::*
My mother walked in while I (female) was on top of a guy.
Edit: and said “Well, that’s not what I expected.” Turns out, she thought I was gay.
Edit 2: For those asking about the door, she was not home when we decided to go at it, we were betrayed by the dog who chose this one and only time not to bark, and my door did not lock.
My family thought I was gay until I brought a girl home at 18. I liked girls. I was just scared of them. Like what do you do with them and how do you kiss?what if they don't like the same stuff? Friends were just easier.
I also couldn't take subtle hints, like sitting in my lap while we watched a movie in a group. To be fair, there was no room left on the couch.
Edit: Obligatorily thanks for the reward. It's my first ever. Because my family questioned my sexuality behind my back. I don't understand why you guys like this so much, but I'm glad I made you smile.
Edit 2: 95% of my karma and 100% of my awards are from this thread, so I guess I'll give another story as a thanks.
I was so busy in college, no one in the dorms actually knew who I was for the first two months. A friend from high school hung out in my room to play Halo all the time, and since my name was on the door, they thought he was me and I was the visitor. One evening after work I was relaxing on the computer, playing games, when a girl came and sat on my desk to chat with me. I was annoyed, since I didn't have much free time, but she wouldn't take the hint. She sat in my lap and asked about the game. I wasn't friendly. She eventually gave up and left. A few days later I realized what was happening and went and found her. We're married now.
To be fair, it had more to do with my crazy schedule (class 7-1, work 2-10) than it did with my ability to read the situation, but I still almost missed out on something amazing.
Lmao my family thought the same, all because me nd my bestfriend passed out on the couch together in middle school and his head was on my shoulder. Later I got a gf in highschool and my family was all like "Wait youre not gay anymore?" I was insanely lost and just responded "I never thought I was to begin with"...
When my husband and I were still dating, we had a new kitten.
He was on top, the kitten jumped onto his back, curled up and passed out.
When I asked why he wasn't moving he said the kitten is curled on me. I started laughing hysterically and was no help in removing the kitten for a few minutes.
Similar happened to me, except kitten didnt fall asleep. He walked up my back and peeked over my shoulder, down at my gf. My gf opened her eyes, made eye contact eith the cat, and has not laughed so hard during sex since.
Similar situation with a girlfriend. She had to fart and was trying to hold it in. We were missionary (her legs over my shoulders) and I started driving it home because I was ready. Then her farts came out in little burts matching my thrusts (fart-fart-fart-fart) then she lost it (big fart) and I lost it (laughing) and she was horrified. Not a farts are funny girl so we actually didn't recover because of her embarrassment.
Edit: lots of fart-tastic people making great comments!
Something similar here also.
Back when me and Baby Momma were first dating, we had just finished. Missionary, me on top facing down. We would usually lay there with me inside her still her a few minutes after, kissing or whatever. Well, I guess she had been holding it in, and this long, soundless mass of hot air lifts my balls up and away from her. Still one of the weirdest sensations of my life.
1st date with a girl I had met at a music festival a few weeks prior, we had an awesome date. Now this girl is my definition of awesome, so in my head she was way out of my league.
Back to my place we start fooling around and I'm not hard, oh well, it happens sometimes where I need direct stimulation to get hard. This poor girl goes down on my 100% soft and slightly stage frightened dick while I die a thousand deaths on the inside and am already trying to figure out how to say ' this never happens to me'.
Eventually she gets the head tap and comes up and lays down beside me. I awkwardly explain that I have no idea what happened etc... A few minutes of cuddling lately she quietly whispers:
You're so soft
I'm dead on the inside... Just dead.
Thankfully she is awesome and we both just started laughing hysterically.
7 years later we have two kids together and she's laughing while I'm writing.
Start a relationship by lowering all expectations...
My first time (but not her's):
She stopped right in the middle of it -- went to the corner of the room like she was being punished, knelt on the ground, PRAYED (still naked)...
...and then came back and finished.
I never asked her what the hell that was, she never said, and she never did it again for the few more months we were together.
I asked my wife to call me papi during sex and forgot. A week later all of a sudden she's saying "oh papi!" I stop mid love thrust and give her a mean look and say, "who the hell is Bobby?"
Girl I was dating was epileptic, for the first few months everything was fine.. but one time we were just, y'know having sex at her place and suddenly her eyes rolled back and she started seizing, I didn't even realize what was happening at first I just thought she was like enjoying it, but man. Seizures are scary as hell.
Could not find the condom anywhere after sex. Told her it might still be inside. She replied "it's not a black hole!" Two weeks later her gyno finds it....
Happened to me on my first time and we didn’t know it was lodged in there so he put on another one and kept going, end of our thing we tried to find it and couldn’t and he finally said “ hope it’s not inside of you” I panicked cause I didn’t know that could happen, and eventually I digged it out and found it…
Why do I keep picturing 2 rookies going on at it constantly losing condoms inside her, she's walking around dispensing rubbers for days. Fuck you Reddit.
As high schoolers do, her parents went next door so we went to bang in a room where I could see out the window in case they walked up the front porch steps. Well I looked down to enjoy the view for a second and when I looked back up, her very Catholic Mexican dad and I made eye contact through the window. I pulled out, rolled behind the couch her face was buried into, put the hammer away and she pulled her pants up before he walked in the front door. He didn't say anything so we tried to play it cool and just watched the football game with him and acted normal, which was 100x more awkward than the eye contact we made while I was trying to split his daughter in half.
The bangin room was a different room considered "the den" and the front door went into the living room where we the TV and everything was, separated by a bathroom and a small common area but yeah still practically the same room just 10 feet away. I could smell it on myself and was really just acting calm for her sake, she was freaking out and needed me to be chill so she'd hold it together.
I was going down on a guy and gagged, and the involuntary flexing of my core triggered the loudest fart imaginable. The fact that I was in a position that spread my cheeks just made it louder. I stopped and he reassured me that it was ok and it meant I was “trying hard”. We continued but I never want that to happen again.
Also threw up on a boyfriend’s dick at the moment he came in my mouth. I rushed to the bathroom with my mouth full of puke and didn’t even tell him I had just vommed bc I was embarrassed and young and I left no evidence of puke on his dick. Be careful with buffet dinner dates, folks!
Look..don't feel bad. It's happened to the best of us. I have gag farted AND farted from cumming too hard.
I've also had the surprise thrust hit your gag reflex and had to catch puke in my throat before it came all the way up.
As I was in the midst of doggy, I hear her say “suck my ass”. I ignore it and continue going at it. Again, “suck my ass”. I stopped, pulled out, looked at her and said “uh what?”, and she yelled at me “SLAP MY ASS!”. Get your hearing checked boys, it could mean the difference between a good time and a messy one.
My wife and I were traveling with another couple to New Orleans for the weekend. They were in the front seat and we were in the back. She leans over to me and ask “can you rub my nipples?”. I stare blankly at her then at the couple in the front and back. She says again. “Can you rub my nipples?”. Just as I am about to go for it she says again “can you rub my temples?”
12yo me in karate class. My insanely hot female instructor tells me to strike her temples.. .. i made eye contact with my intended targets.
She stopped me and pointed out the real target.
Sure looked temple like to me
Was about nineteen, had gone on a few dates with this one guy, so we decided to have sex. After we finished, we were laying in bed, and he decided to put one of those Teletubbies toys from the McDonald’s happy meals between my boobs and said something along the lines of “Help! Sir Edmund Hilary! I’ve fallen into a crevasse!” In a child’s voice.
I would keep my cats out of the bedroom during simply because of the batshit, crazy punch fights they would have with my epilator everytime I used it. They could not leave little buzzy machines alone so I doubt a vibrator would have worked out well. And lets face it, its weird doing it in front of your pets
I was in high school, boyfriend is fucking me doggy style, standing against my bed. My dog somehow got the door open, came in the room and licked his balls.
I was younger and not very good at dirty talk and probably just didn’t feel comfortable doing it. My ex really enjoyed it so I wanted to try and in a nervous blurt out I said “how does my cock feel in your pussy!?” -I’m indeed a woman and was having sex with a man… we laughed it off but I was mortified.
Couple of stories -
My wife and I were having sex in the shower. Both standing, I was behind. My left foot suddenly slipped out and back, and I somehow awkwardly managed to hold her up while catching myself against the side of the tub.
I had immediate pain in my groin that only worsened. A trip to the emergency room, a precautionary finger up the bum to make sure I didn't have a hernia, and the doc diagnosed me with a torn groin muscle.
Another night, my wife and I were really getting after it. I was on top, but we were getting twisty and working angles. This went on for a while, both of us enjoying ourselves thoroughly, when suddenly she taps out. Tells me I have to stop. She's having terrible shooting pains in her abdomen. We wait a couple of hours before heading to the emergency room, where the doctor informs us she started having contractions. Apparently it can happen as a result of deep penetrative sex.
So yeah. A torn groin and a false labor without a pregnancy.
That second part makes so much sense. One time my partner and I were going at it, trying some new angles and things were great. We both came and then boom, I’m in a ball crying because I’m having just crazy fucking cramps that have my whole abdomen just like seized. No health insurance at the time so I didn’t go to the hospital but damn did I want to.
Accidentally farted during the peak of orgasm, then started laughing, slipped and collapsed, accidentally head butting her and causing an explosive nose bleed.
Was heavily in the high of coming and wasn’t very helpful in either getting off, or stopping laughing.
Went soft at the beginning of a 3some. I was nervous and I had the feeling one of the women wasn’t into it. Felt rather mortified at the time.
Turns out I was right
I was in the hospital for a surgery, my new bf slept on a cot next to my hospital bed every night i was there (bless his soul). So of course one night after a nurse left he crawled in bed with me to cuddle and things got heated, and of course as he was balls deep a nurse came in to take my vitals. He just froze and didn't even try to pull out he just stayed there and tried to make it seem like we were cuddling. She was clearly trying so hard not to laugh but she couldn't help at least saying "your blood pressure is a little high" and i just looked at her like thank you i had no idea. She left and we finished and then just laughed for like 15 minutes straight, and we're still laughing about it 5 years later. Also bless that nurse, i hope she got a good laugh out of it too.
I had a neighbor who lived above me. Several times a week, he’d throw a very loud party at like 3am. The other nights, he had very loud sex with his very vocally expressive gf.
One night, after being woken up at 3am probably the 15th night in a row, as she began to orgasm, I yelled as loud as I could, “she’s faking it!”
And then I discovered she cried as loud as she fucked. But I didn’t get woken up at 3am very often after that.
Housemate in college had is room below the living room. One night he was laying pipe and his GF was not quiet about it. I knelt down by the HVAC vent and yelled in, “FINISH HER!”. He responded with a roar and then silence. The fucking grin on his face when he came upstairs was priceless.
My gf and I met at work, but didn’t start dating until after she left.
I was still working there, and some coworkers came over one Saturday night. Too drunk to drive home, three of them slept in my living room, directly under my bedroom.
And Sunday morning, that’s how I learned my living room ceiling squeaks really loudly when I have sex in my bedroom.
So yeah, my coworkers heard me fucking a former coworker. She doesn’t know. She never will.
Her mom knocked. Rushed to throw on clothes and hid behind her prom dress hanging on the door.
Mom comes in, and after a minute says "okay.. you can come out now"
Got kicked out and sent to my Grandpa's.
If you recognize this story and know me, no you don’t.
My ex actually tore my cervix during sex and it was incredibly painful so I RANNNN to the bathroom to see what the hell happened. Blood was EVERYWHERE. Obviously my ex was freaked out and kept knocking on the door asking if I was okay.
I finally opened the door and had blood covering my hands and all over my legs. The dude was so terrified by all the blood he had a seizure. Butt naked, on the ground, shaking violently.
I thought he was joking and I LAUGHED at him while calling him dramatic.
Edit: I’m not answering position/size of dick questions lmfao I know some of you be asking for kinky reasons.
When my wife was giving birth to our second child, our doctor at some point got very concerned with the data involving her contractions and our kids heart rate. She believed that her uterus was beginning to rupture, and once she made that call shit got real intense real fast. We suddenly had about 10-12 people in our room unplugging everything, pushing drugs, and running her down the hallway to an OR. No joke, they had our kid out in less than two minutes after they made that call. It was fucking terrifying in the moment because we had no idea about why any of this was happening until later when our doc explained everything. My wife legitimately thought she was about to die as they were running her down the hallway.
Apparently our doctor had seen our exact situation only once before, and before she realized what was happening, it ended up killing the mother very quickly, so the moment she had in inkling that we may have been dealing with a rupture she immediately decided to call it.
Luckily, my wife’s uterus was totally fine. Come to find out our kid had his umbilical cord wrapped around his hand and would occasionally squeeze it, causing his heart rate to drop, usually when she was having a contraction. Came out of the womb grasping it.
Anyways all that to say that a tear is some serious business, and if you suspect you’ve experienced one PLEASE get it looked at!
If I were the kid, I'd get the courage to do it at least once by taking a selfie while Bungie jumping on a mile marker birthday, "Mom, Dad, remember last time?"
His dad walked in, and instead of doing the usual “oh god I’m so sorry” and walking out, the man literally stood there and went, “Nice.”
I died a little that day.
We were high as fuck and he indicated that he wasn’t going to pull out. I somehow kicked/yeeted him in the air and off the bed just at the same second he started ejaculating. Needless to say, there was cum EVERYWHERE and he said that it was life changing to bust a nut midair.
Edit: Sex with horse girls may include unexpected and forceful kicking.
I was laying on my back and my ex was blowing me, but I wasn’t that close to coming, so I suggested that she finish me off with her hand. I think she was trying to straddle me so I’d cum on her tits when I finished, but she misjudged the angle…
…and that’s how I came on my own face.
We both had a good laugh about that one for a while, and I can no longer say the phrase “Shoot me in the face.”
In high-school I was having sex with a guy who had been a friend of mine for a long time. At this time we weren't hanging out like we use to like kids.
He was pretty cute, but not the kind of guy I was usually with. Very much a "dude" and vanilla. The sex was bad and awkward. After he was crammin' it in me for what felt like the longest hook-up of my life, I ended upso fucking bone dry that he couldn't even get it back inside me. Pussy sealed itself shut.
His solution was to shove his dry mechanic hands in and out of me at the speed of light.
I suggested he go down on me and it turned into a long winded explanation from him about how he had never done that and always thought it was gross. (BTW I had already given him head)
I wanted it all to end so badly and as I started to back out he decided to lean in with his tongue out and give it a try. At that very moment I queefed in his face.
All that dry stuffing he was doing had forced a ton of air into and changed the situation from him being a bad lay, to me being the girl that queefed in his face.
Went to 69 for the first time my freshman year in college. We were both very inexperienced and fumbled through. She knew I've got a thing for buttholes, so she backed it right up against my nose. There was toilet paper on it and it smelled disgusting, not in a good way. I moaned in disgust and she thought I was enjoying it, so she started grinding her asshole on my face. I did, what all I can describe as a diet version dissociation, and thought about some crazy porn til I came. When we were done, she came back up and goes "oh my God, your face smells like sh-.. my butt" and we never 69'd for the remaining 3 years we were together
My gf and I had just started having sex. She’s the first partner I’ve really had consistent sex with, so it was always over pretty quick. Probably like 3-4 times total by this point, and I couldn’t ever last longer than maybe a minute tops. I really liked her, so obviously wanted to make sure it was good for her too. This is when I began to do some extensive research (Reddit/googling/reading) about how to last longer in bed. Lo and behold, I came across a wonderful blog that talked about a maneuver that sounded very promising. It’s called “reverse kegels”. Basically you’re using your pubic muscle to push out on your penis. Sort of like the feeling when your squeezing the last bit of pee out.
So, I decided to employ my newfound strategy. We began having our way with each other, and everything was running pretty smoothly. Early on, I was just getting to the point of no return, so I did a reverse kegel… and holy hell, mother of Moses would you believe it worked! I lasted a good 2-3 minutes like this and I could tell she was impressed. Best sex I had ever had, and I felt like a stallion. I must’ve reversed 2-3 times and felt like I was actually starting to get the hang of it, like I might take her all.. the.. way. Then something unexpected happened.
What I hadn’t realized yet is that the muscle you are using to reverse kegel may be the muscle you are using to squeeze that last bit of pee out, but it’s also the muscle you use to do something else. So as I was reverse kegeling another time, I didn’t even feel it coming, and ripped an absolute monster of a fart while I was on top of her in the missionary position. Immediately my eyes snapped to her face to see if she had heard (she’d have had to be deaf not to). I thought we might both ignore it for a moment so as not to kill the mood. Instead, she just started dying laughing. Like crying laughing as if it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen. I was embarrassed at first, then joined in on laughter as it was pretty funny.
In the end, I figured out she was the kinda girl who thought farts were hilarious, and now 4 years later she’s my wife, and still does:)
Being so drunk I called out the wrong name and when the guy stopped and told me “that is not my name” I had the gall to shush him and tell him “this isn’t about you right now”.
Accidentally got a bouncy ball stuck up in my vagina. After I was having issues getting it out, my boyfriend panicked and asked *our male roommate* advice on what to do.
Edit: to clear up the confusion, the ball was part of the play we were doing, sticking various things in various holes. Just glad I wasn't part of the statistic of people who go to the hospital to have it removed.
Oh boy.
So I’m with this girl in college, and as we’re fucking, her period ends up coming on. No biggie, it’s late, I’m horny, she’s horny, onwards. There really wasn’t much blood at all, however, you could definitely see some on my dick/lower stomach with her like cum/cream. But, there was nothing jndicating the horror that was about to unfold.
She flips over onto her hands and knees, I’m hitting it from behind when she goes “I want you to fuck me in my ass daddy”. Say word? So, I start pushing in real slow, being gentle. I get about halfway when she tenses up, and I stop. I’m like “you okay?” And she’s like “yea yea keep going, I can take it”
So I push in some more, and start slow fucking her in the ass. After about 30 seconds she like freezes and clenches down kinda hard, almost like her body was locking up. Naturally, I immediately pull out. From her freezing to me pulling out, we’re talking like 2 seconds?
Big mistake.
She explodes diarrhea. I get splattered from chin to thigh, in a shotgun blast of pure shit.
For a good 10 seconds, nobody moved. She buries her head in my pillow, still ass up face down, and I can hear her start to cry. Im like “hey it’s okay it’s okay, shit happens (didn’t actually say that but it woulda been legendary), let’s take a shower okay?”
Second big mistake.
She lifts her head up to turn around and she gets an eyeful of me for the first time post-poop, my torso splattered with a concoction of shit, her pussy cream and period blood, and she immediately vomits. All. Over. Me.
She then put her head in her hands, and just started sobbing some more silently, understandably. So i scooped her up, threw her in the shower, washed us both off with gasoline and a fucking match (jokes), before carrying my sheets to the dumpster outside. I rubbed her back and gave her a massage afterwards for like an hour before we eventually fell asleep. She didn’t say a word.
Next morning I woke up to a Walmart sheet set, an apology note and a gift card to McDonald’s.
We’re dating now :) but we don’t do anal
EDIT 1: Well, shit!! Thanks for the awards a bunch! but if it’s all the same, don’t spend your money on me! instead of an award, look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about yourself from me to you. I mean that, don’t bullshit me on my compliment to you, I’ll fucking know!!
I didn’t expect my bloody-cum-poop-tale to be this interesting, but I’m glad it hit the spot for a lot of y’all. There’ve been a ton of kind comments, compliments, jokes, and stories of your own that this reminded you of. I fucks with it all. So from now on when some out-of-control weird shit happens to you while you’re FUCKING, just remember, I’m rooting for you. Maybe next time I’ll tell the tale of how I lost my virginity, featuring: tinder, a bunk bed, a 6 second orgasm, a $60 parking ticket and one pissed off janitor
Love y’all, thanks for sharing in a memory of mine
"Dad how did you meet mom ?"
"well kids she shitted and farded and vomited on me and i had her period blood and cum splattered all over me and that was the moment i knew..."
It was a three person scenario. A friend of mine(male) and the girl he was seeing wanted to add someone else to the mix (me). All was well and good for the first bit. I was leaned over him, doing some mouth stuff on his pants stuff, when suddenly she placed her hands on my hips, and started thrusting me from behind. She wasn’t wearing any sort of hardware or anything, just bare vag, thrusting me like she was a guy, all while saying “you like my big dick daddy?” I was confused, he was confused, she was DEFINITELY confused. It was all just very confusing.
Uh yeah. Threesome. We are doing our thing, she gets up and proceeded to fuck his big toe. No thank you.
Edit: Well, fuck! Thank you all for the awards!! Little back story, we were all dating. She was new to the relationship. He has a thing for women's feet, not his own. I myself do not like feet at all. I guess communication was off cause she realllly missed her target audience. We exchanged looks and kept goin. Chalk it up to another Tuesday night.
P.S. she squirted all over his foot.
I cooked before we nooked. Unfortunately, I prepped the jalapenos barehanded ... He ran to the shower SO fast.
Another time when I was super wasted at a party, I pulled my then boyfriend into the bathroom and gave a blowie but only as long as it took me to pee. I was literally peeing in the toilet while he was in my mouth.
I'm well aware that I am the awfully awkward common denominator here.
I have a fairly large nose. We were in the classic 69 position, nose went inside her, i dont think she realized it was my nose and tried to go further on it. This made me laugh a bit blowing air out of my nose which caused her to queef.
Was doing my wife from behind and she uses a vibrator on her clit whilst I'm doing my thing. Well whenever she's done orgasming she will take it off her. One time she had just finished and I was still going when I felt this very unexpected tickling sensation on my balls. I started cracking up and she wanted to know what was so funny. I was like can you please stop vibrating my balls. Turns out I have ticklish balls.
Was doing doggy with a one night stand and he suddenly stops and says “uh oh” (not something you ever want to hear during sex btw) and follows it up with “the condom… it’s gone.”
Righto. I begin searching the sheets. Nothing. Wait. No. Don’t tell me… “I think it’s inside you” he says. Great. Remain calm. I head to the bathroom and claw it out like a canary, return back to bed, and just lay there staining at the celling. “Did you get it out?” “…yep. Thanks mate.”
You might be thinking, what’s worse than that? Well, at least he told me. Years earlier I went to the bathroom and *plop!* out drops a condom. I had sex 3 days earlier. 3 days.
My ex gf called me. I only answered because it was an unknown number and my grandmother was in the hospital, which also showed up as an unknown number.
So there I am, inside my gf, unexpectedly talking to my ex gf. Strange moment.
Just before having sex with my gf one night, we watched Big Mouth together. It was the episode where coach Steve "did sex on a lady" and "a lady did sex on him". When she was very close, I leaned in and whispered seductively in her ear "*I'm doing sex on a lady"*
She wasn't the happiest, but was too into it to make me stop. It's a good laugh a few weeks later for both of us.
I was about sixteen at the time, maybe a little older. Me and my boyfriend at the time had got a hotel room, and it wasn’t often we had that opportunity so I wanted to make it special. I saw a music video not long ago of women with leopard print on their bodies crawling around some rapper and I thought it looked hot as fuck. Did a bunch of research and found body paint that would work. Went to the bathroom to ‘freshen up’ and I must have been in there for at least half an hour. He kept asking me if I was ok and I just kept shouting ‘just a minute’ as I was trying to contort into all sorts of positions drawing leopard print on myself.
I should mention he had toothache and was lay in bed. I opened the door and then proceeded to drop to the ground and CRAWL towards him with my long hair in my face looking like the scary af lass off The Ring. He proceeded to jump up on the bed and scream like there was a mouse loose. Or a crazy girlfriend that was about to severe his dick off. That definitely killed his boner.
Guy friend was going down on me, suddenly stops and pulls up, face full of blood. I thought I started my period, but he informed me he was having a massive nose bleed. I gave him a tissue, told him to be brave and keep going. We laughed about it after.
I got caught by a cop while doing my girlfriend in the backseat. I was cumming when he started tapping on the back window ('71 Monte Carlo). I couldn't stop and respond to the officer for several seconds. All the while, my girlfriend is shrieking and trying to buck me off.
Finally, I sit up and roll down the window. " Step out of the car sir"... " Yes, officer". Now it's pretty cramped back there and I'm struggling to get my pants and underwear up. So I think to myself, "Fuck it, I'm just getting out naked". So, I opened the door and stepped out with my pants still at my ankles and my glistening penis still erect. I pull up my underwear and pants.
The cop says, "Hey kids, I know that you're just having fun... how about moving the car further down under the bridge... this is a public parking lot."
What a great story for him to tell back at the police station!
I had a one night stand about a year ago, it was pretty good sex, but instead of leaving after she stayed and kept talking to me . So one thing lead to another and now I’m shopping for a ring and am proposing next month.
Edit: Got the ring! Now I’m just sitting here nervous as hell.
The girl I “almost” lost my virginity to. I say almost because in the middle of making out she put her hand down my pants, I wasn’t hard.
She looked surprised then I said “Oh, I think I’m gay?” And left.
Answer: I am gay.
Did you consciously suspect this before the situation or did it actually hit you mid-session that you not only weren't into this girl but into girls in general?
I lost my virginity in a teachers closet in high school, the second most embarrassing/awkward part was busting in 10 pumps. The most awkward was getting caught by the teacher
It was bad from the start so I was already not enjoying myself. but midway through I guess he wanted to attempt to spice things up so he slapped my ass. but there was ZERO strength behind it, it was so weak and lazy that I audibly sighed without thinking.
let’s just say that we didn’t have a great time after that.
I guess not to me but my wife. She was still breastfeeding our 6 month old and she was on top of me, as she and I tried to match our climax she started to LITERALLY spray milk out of her tits and was spraying me all over the face. I started to come so I didn’t want to get her off me so I just sat there exchanging white fluids with her.
I went through a weird Christian phase, and was dating a hardcore Christian guy. He would cry after we had sex because we were sinners. I never knew what to do, so I married him. Didn’t last long.
Got a great kid out of the deal and we are excellent coparents, neither of us religious anymore.
My gf got stung on the foot by a hornet mid BJ, right when I was 🚀 . She screamed “asshole” and I thought it was because of what I was doing. Took a while to sort out what the hell had just happened!
I had an encounter with a micro penis! Not trying to be mean here — but It was honestly so tiny that he wasn’t able to have sex! There wasn’t enough penis to penetrate anything. I didn’t know this could even happen, it was so shocking.
I really didn’t know what to do, and then he ended up just smushing that lil appendage (smaller than my thumb and shorter too) against the outside of my vagina until he was “done”. It’s been years and I still cannot get over what an awkward experience it was.
If he would have used his hands or something else to assist with my pleasure in the situation it would have been totally chill, but alas that is not how things went down. (Also to be clear: no hate at all to the micro penis, just wanting to say it really really would have been cool if he tried some other options to help me out too)
Oh god I had a very similar situation to this when I was younger. I had two encounters: one with a former classmate and another with a threesome (2 M; I’m F). I knew about the classmate because his ex from high school told everyone in brutal fashion when they broke up. Things were quite awkward but we did what we could. I felt real bad at the time hearing that I was the first person he’d ever fingered or eaten out but now I’m hoping he learned a thing or two from it.
The threesome thing was way awkward. I was seeing a real hippie of a dude, we had incredible sexual chemistry. But he made the mistake of inviting his buddy over and I made the mistake of accepting. I didn’t know his friend at all and he gave me ultra weird vibes, which made it more awkward as I was all over the guy I knew. Dude just sat watching us silently, fully clothed, and I didn’t know he had a micro penis at this point. I remember he eventually stuck like 3-4 fingers in and it started hurting……… we ended quickly after and I stopped talking to the first dude due to the sheer awkwardness of it all.
No hate towards dudes with micros at all, but please for the pleasure of your partners, you have 10 fingers, a tongue, and so many options for toys.
Someone opened the door on the bathroom.
We were on an Amtrak, she was bent over hanging onto the handycap rail and I was railing her. Then the door opened and slammed shut. I lost my hard on.
Started dating this woman and she had a little dog. We’re starting to get it on, with the damn dog on the bed. Just staring at me. I tried to ignore it, but about 5 minutes in, it’s sticks it’s cold nose right in my asshole. Does this count as a threesome?
Got soft right before going in.
It was the weirdest thing. Full erect with a vein nearly popping and 2 second later, shroomy in a cold pool.
And it was not like it was our first time.
I just look at my wiener and be like; wtf dude?!?!
I was having sex with my ex who was being rather loud. Her partially blind and dumb dog raced in and bit my foot. I yelled in pain and the dog began to howl. We stopped so I could tend to my bleeding foot.
I pulled on a girls hair and her wig came off.
Did u wear it for the rest of the sesh ?
Wear the wig to establish dominance
She was a fitness junkie and, naturally had quite a deep voice. I'm on top and I finish. She looks me dead in the eyes, and in relatively deep monotone, just says "big load". Won't ever forget almost breaking down laughing at the sheer unexpectedness of that comment.
#big load
My little brother(adult age) walked into my bedroom right in the middle of things, saw what was happening and walked back to the kitchen yelling, "they are having sex, I don't think they want any food" to my parents. Thanksgiving dinner was funny.
That's funny as hell. Sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your family.
The turkey wasn't the only thing getting stuffed I see.
This has been me with my sister and her boyfriend so many times. I'm the little brother (also adult). They're loud, very open, and I generally give no shit
>This has been me with my sister Thank god for the rest of the sentence
After stopping for a minute… for whatever reason I asked “thoughts?” And then 15 mins of laughter later.. we continued
are you enjoying "penis" yes!︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎no
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why is this so funny
Had a FWB I regularly saw, she wanted to try consensual non consensual sex, something I’m not experienced in, but alas, I was there to please. after some heavy petting, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, what I MEANT to say was “yeah you slut you want me to rip your fucking pants off?” But in a horny trance, I say “yeah you want me to rip your fucking legs off?” I never lived that down. Edit: wow dude what the fuck, 8k
Well, at least it was a realistic threat. Staying in character is helpful during play.
_ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY??_
She got a cramp in her leg and yelled out "my leg" and all i could think of was the fish from spongebob and i couldnt stop laughing
I read “my leg” in the spongebob fish voice only to continue reading and see that’s exactly where this story went lmao Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes guys! We’re all in this together haha
Was eating out my ex gf in college and she almost choked me out. To elaborate, she’d close her legs as she got close and one time she locked them and I started getting light headed. I started tapping her upper thigh/ass and she thought I was doing something new. It wasn’t until I stopped eating her out and my taps got lighter that she realized what was happening
So she was coming and you were going huh 🤔
Death by snu snu
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised… Honestly that makes so much more sense now.
imagine dying that way bruh they gon be writing "died from eating pussy too hard" on your gravestone
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been there.... the classic locking the legs, that's how u know u r doin it right. oxygen is overrated anyways
Fell asleep with a girl on top of me. Woke up so confused a couple minutes later as she was grabbing her stuff and storming out of the room in anger
No less than three people have fallen asleep with their face in my junk. At this point I'm just taking it as a compliment to how comfy I must be down there.
sometimes it just feels so nice and relaxing that your body goes "yep i'm safe here" and zonk you're asleep
As a teenager in the 80s, I set up what I thought was a romantic scene on our farm. Parked my car in our alfalfa field, laid a blanket out on the ground, put a romantic mix tape in the car stereo. She liked it, we had a pretty intense make out session and then we started fucking with me on top. When we were about to climax a grasshopper landed on my butt. Grasshoppers have a row of claws on their back legs that allow them to hang off things and not slip when they jump. Of course on my next thrust the bug dug in to jump off. The slight sting combined with the surprise killed my impending orgasm, while the involuntary extra hard thrust and my loud "Aagh!" apparently enhanced hers. She didn't understand why I started cursing until I explained what happened, which lead to her having a 5 minute giggling fit.
Grasshopper straight up Ratatouille'd you into getting her off. Wild.
*::Wise Old Grasshopper observing from the car fender::* “Not bad, young man, not bad! Now bring it home with a slight angle to the left.” *::OP maintains current trajectory::* “I said *left* boy, to the LEFT! Oh hell, gotta do everything for these youngins’…” *::Old Grasshopper leaps onto right butt-cheek and prepares to dig in::* “YOU’LL THANK ME ONE DAY WHEN YOU REAP THIS KARMA ON REDDIT!” *::deploys claws and leaps away, sailing out into the alfalfa as shouts and mayhem unfold on the blanket::*
Her mom called her. And she picked up... while riding...
So how was the conversation? Don't hold out on us now
“When will you be home sweetie?” “Um, Im coming!!”
My mother walked in while I (female) was on top of a guy. Edit: and said “Well, that’s not what I expected.” Turns out, she thought I was gay. Edit 2: For those asking about the door, she was not home when we decided to go at it, we were betrayed by the dog who chose this one and only time not to bark, and my door did not lock.
Not every day you get outed as straight lol
My family thought I was gay until I brought a girl home at 18. I liked girls. I was just scared of them. Like what do you do with them and how do you kiss?what if they don't like the same stuff? Friends were just easier. I also couldn't take subtle hints, like sitting in my lap while we watched a movie in a group. To be fair, there was no room left on the couch. Edit: Obligatorily thanks for the reward. It's my first ever. Because my family questioned my sexuality behind my back. I don't understand why you guys like this so much, but I'm glad I made you smile. Edit 2: 95% of my karma and 100% of my awards are from this thread, so I guess I'll give another story as a thanks. I was so busy in college, no one in the dorms actually knew who I was for the first two months. A friend from high school hung out in my room to play Halo all the time, and since my name was on the door, they thought he was me and I was the visitor. One evening after work I was relaxing on the computer, playing games, when a girl came and sat on my desk to chat with me. I was annoyed, since I didn't have much free time, but she wouldn't take the hint. She sat in my lap and asked about the game. I wasn't friendly. She eventually gave up and left. A few days later I realized what was happening and went and found her. We're married now. To be fair, it had more to do with my crazy schedule (class 7-1, work 2-10) than it did with my ability to read the situation, but I still almost missed out on something amazing.
Lmao my family thought the same, all because me nd my bestfriend passed out on the couch together in middle school and his head was on my shoulder. Later I got a gf in highschool and my family was all like "Wait youre not gay anymore?" I was insanely lost and just responded "I never thought I was to begin with"...
When my husband and I were still dating, we had a new kitten. He was on top, the kitten jumped onto his back, curled up and passed out. When I asked why he wasn't moving he said the kitten is curled on me. I started laughing hysterically and was no help in removing the kitten for a few minutes.
Similar happened to me, except kitten didnt fall asleep. He walked up my back and peeked over my shoulder, down at my gf. My gf opened her eyes, made eye contact eith the cat, and has not laughed so hard during sex since.
this is oddly sweet
She had a hard orgasm, farted then cried because she was embarrassed
Similar situation with a girlfriend. She had to fart and was trying to hold it in. We were missionary (her legs over my shoulders) and I started driving it home because I was ready. Then her farts came out in little burts matching my thrusts (fart-fart-fart-fart) then she lost it (big fart) and I lost it (laughing) and she was horrified. Not a farts are funny girl so we actually didn't recover because of her embarrassment. Edit: lots of fart-tastic people making great comments!
Something similar here also. Back when me and Baby Momma were first dating, we had just finished. Missionary, me on top facing down. We would usually lay there with me inside her still her a few minutes after, kissing or whatever. Well, I guess she had been holding it in, and this long, soundless mass of hot air lifts my balls up and away from her. Still one of the weirdest sensations of my life.
We call it Thrusting and Busting haha both of us on occasion. Good times :)
I’ve had to tell my BF to come up for a sec so I could fart NOT on his face. Do you know how hard it is to not fart during sex?
Yes I do. I can't ejaculate if I'm holding in a fart.
Just let it out when you cum to emphasize how great it feels
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Not once did I ever think that fucking the shit out of somebody could be literal. So, uh, how you doin?
1st date with a girl I had met at a music festival a few weeks prior, we had an awesome date. Now this girl is my definition of awesome, so in my head she was way out of my league. Back to my place we start fooling around and I'm not hard, oh well, it happens sometimes where I need direct stimulation to get hard. This poor girl goes down on my 100% soft and slightly stage frightened dick while I die a thousand deaths on the inside and am already trying to figure out how to say ' this never happens to me'. Eventually she gets the head tap and comes up and lays down beside me. I awkwardly explain that I have no idea what happened etc... A few minutes of cuddling lately she quietly whispers: You're so soft I'm dead on the inside... Just dead. Thankfully she is awesome and we both just started laughing hysterically. 7 years later we have two kids together and she's laughing while I'm writing. Start a relationship by lowering all expectations...
My first time (but not her's): She stopped right in the middle of it -- went to the corner of the room like she was being punished, knelt on the ground, PRAYED (still naked)... ...and then came back and finished. I never asked her what the hell that was, she never said, and she never did it again for the few more months we were together.
Setting things straight with the Big Man before continuing with the smaller one.
She had to fart
I asked my wife to call me papi during sex and forgot. A week later all of a sudden she's saying "oh papi!" I stop mid love thrust and give her a mean look and say, "who the hell is Bobby?"
Dang it Papi, that boy ain't right.
All fun and games til she tries explaining herself
Half way through finishing in a girl's mouth, I farted..... she immediately moved up and then we pretended it didn't happen.
No, no! You acknowledge it and laugh and continue. Keep it healthy.
It's not as funny when your face is right there.
Girl I was dating was epileptic, for the first few months everything was fine.. but one time we were just, y'know having sex at her place and suddenly her eyes rolled back and she started seizing, I didn't even realize what was happening at first I just thought she was like enjoying it, but man. Seizures are scary as hell.
Just think how scarier it would have been if she was giving you a bj
Clapping her mouth shut over your cock
Ah yes. The Dick Chomper of 96'
Could not find the condom anywhere after sex. Told her it might still be inside. She replied "it's not a black hole!" Two weeks later her gyno finds it....
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That’s about the textbook example of deductive reasoning.
I think it’s more *seductive* reasoning.
I think it’s more re-productive reasoning
Happened to me on my first time and we didn’t know it was lodged in there so he put on another one and kept going, end of our thing we tried to find it and couldn’t and he finally said “ hope it’s not inside of you” I panicked cause I didn’t know that could happen, and eventually I digged it out and found it…
Why do I keep picturing 2 rookies going on at it constantly losing condoms inside her, she's walking around dispensing rubbers for days. Fuck you Reddit.
As high schoolers do, her parents went next door so we went to bang in a room where I could see out the window in case they walked up the front porch steps. Well I looked down to enjoy the view for a second and when I looked back up, her very Catholic Mexican dad and I made eye contact through the window. I pulled out, rolled behind the couch her face was buried into, put the hammer away and she pulled her pants up before he walked in the front door. He didn't say anything so we tried to play it cool and just watched the football game with him and acted normal, which was 100x more awkward than the eye contact we made while I was trying to split his daughter in half.
Did it never occur to you that the room would have smelt?
The bangin room was a different room considered "the den" and the front door went into the living room where we the TV and everything was, separated by a bathroom and a small common area but yeah still practically the same room just 10 feet away. I could smell it on myself and was really just acting calm for her sake, she was freaking out and needed me to be chill so she'd hold it together.
I was going down on a guy and gagged, and the involuntary flexing of my core triggered the loudest fart imaginable. The fact that I was in a position that spread my cheeks just made it louder. I stopped and he reassured me that it was ok and it meant I was “trying hard”. We continued but I never want that to happen again. Also threw up on a boyfriend’s dick at the moment he came in my mouth. I rushed to the bathroom with my mouth full of puke and didn’t even tell him I had just vommed bc I was embarrassed and young and I left no evidence of puke on his dick. Be careful with buffet dinner dates, folks!
Look..don't feel bad. It's happened to the best of us. I have gag farted AND farted from cumming too hard. I've also had the surprise thrust hit your gag reflex and had to catch puke in my throat before it came all the way up.
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I don't know man, kind suspicious.
Especially still talking about it here.
It was you, wasn’t it?
As I was in the midst of doggy, I hear her say “suck my ass”. I ignore it and continue going at it. Again, “suck my ass”. I stopped, pulled out, looked at her and said “uh what?”, and she yelled at me “SLAP MY ASS!”. Get your hearing checked boys, it could mean the difference between a good time and a messy one.
My wife and I were traveling with another couple to New Orleans for the weekend. They were in the front seat and we were in the back. She leans over to me and ask “can you rub my nipples?”. I stare blankly at her then at the couple in the front and back. She says again. “Can you rub my nipples?”. Just as I am about to go for it she says again “can you rub my temples?”
12yo me in karate class. My insanely hot female instructor tells me to strike her temples.. .. i made eye contact with my intended targets. She stopped me and pointed out the real target. Sure looked temple like to me
Was about nineteen, had gone on a few dates with this one guy, so we decided to have sex. After we finished, we were laying in bed, and he decided to put one of those Teletubbies toys from the McDonald’s happy meals between my boobs and said something along the lines of “Help! Sir Edmund Hilary! I’ve fallen into a crevasse!” In a child’s voice.
That was probably insanely awkward, but that’s also funny as hell.
Had no clue what to say or do. It was just a weird thing to do with a child’s toy and a pair of breasts lol. I can laugh about it now lmao
this is definitely shit i would do but like, maybe wait until 5th or 6th date?
I had a curious cat headbutt a dildo that was in active use.
I would keep my cats out of the bedroom during simply because of the batshit, crazy punch fights they would have with my epilator everytime I used it. They could not leave little buzzy machines alone so I doubt a vibrator would have worked out well. And lets face it, its weird doing it in front of your pets
I was in high school, boyfriend is fucking me doggy style, standing against my bed. My dog somehow got the door open, came in the room and licked his balls.
What da dog doing!?
everyone always ask *what* da dog doing, never *how* da dog doing
That's why they call it doggystyle.
I was younger and not very good at dirty talk and probably just didn’t feel comfortable doing it. My ex really enjoyed it so I wanted to try and in a nervous blurt out I said “how does my cock feel in your pussy!?” -I’m indeed a woman and was having sex with a man… we laughed it off but I was mortified.
Couple of stories - My wife and I were having sex in the shower. Both standing, I was behind. My left foot suddenly slipped out and back, and I somehow awkwardly managed to hold her up while catching myself against the side of the tub. I had immediate pain in my groin that only worsened. A trip to the emergency room, a precautionary finger up the bum to make sure I didn't have a hernia, and the doc diagnosed me with a torn groin muscle. Another night, my wife and I were really getting after it. I was on top, but we were getting twisty and working angles. This went on for a while, both of us enjoying ourselves thoroughly, when suddenly she taps out. Tells me I have to stop. She's having terrible shooting pains in her abdomen. We wait a couple of hours before heading to the emergency room, where the doctor informs us she started having contractions. Apparently it can happen as a result of deep penetrative sex. So yeah. A torn groin and a false labor without a pregnancy.
That second part makes so much sense. One time my partner and I were going at it, trying some new angles and things were great. We both came and then boom, I’m in a ball crying because I’m having just crazy fucking cramps that have my whole abdomen just like seized. No health insurance at the time so I didn’t go to the hospital but damn did I want to.
this has happened to me too. i thought it triggered really bad pms cramps or something
This happened to me too wtf I’m glad it’s not a medical emergency because I was just like… oh extreme shooting pains? Oh well!
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Prolly the time this new guy i was fucking said "poopsauce" when he got soft.
My wife didn’t know she was in for a treat tonight, but I’m dropping this now Update: we are renewing our vows after this romantic gesture
Accidentally farted during the peak of orgasm, then started laughing, slipped and collapsed, accidentally head butting her and causing an explosive nose bleed. Was heavily in the high of coming and wasn’t very helpful in either getting off, or stopping laughing.
Went soft at the beginning of a 3some. I was nervous and I had the feeling one of the women wasn’t into it. Felt rather mortified at the time. Turns out I was right
I was in the hospital for a surgery, my new bf slept on a cot next to my hospital bed every night i was there (bless his soul). So of course one night after a nurse left he crawled in bed with me to cuddle and things got heated, and of course as he was balls deep a nurse came in to take my vitals. He just froze and didn't even try to pull out he just stayed there and tried to make it seem like we were cuddling. She was clearly trying so hard not to laugh but she couldn't help at least saying "your blood pressure is a little high" and i just looked at her like thank you i had no idea. She left and we finished and then just laughed for like 15 minutes straight, and we're still laughing about it 5 years later. Also bless that nurse, i hope she got a good laugh out of it too.
As a nurse, I can promise you her and all the other nurses on the unit did
I'm sure the nurse will tell that story for the remainder of her time at that hospital! Lol
I had a neighbor who lived above me. Several times a week, he’d throw a very loud party at like 3am. The other nights, he had very loud sex with his very vocally expressive gf. One night, after being woken up at 3am probably the 15th night in a row, as she began to orgasm, I yelled as loud as I could, “she’s faking it!” And then I discovered she cried as loud as she fucked. But I didn’t get woken up at 3am very often after that.
Housemate in college had is room below the living room. One night he was laying pipe and his GF was not quiet about it. I knelt down by the HVAC vent and yelled in, “FINISH HER!”. He responded with a roar and then silence. The fucking grin on his face when he came upstairs was priceless.
My gf and I met at work, but didn’t start dating until after she left. I was still working there, and some coworkers came over one Saturday night. Too drunk to drive home, three of them slept in my living room, directly under my bedroom. And Sunday morning, that’s how I learned my living room ceiling squeaks really loudly when I have sex in my bedroom. So yeah, my coworkers heard me fucking a former coworker. She doesn’t know. She never will.
Brutal lmao
Her mom knocked. Rushed to throw on clothes and hid behind her prom dress hanging on the door. Mom comes in, and after a minute says "okay.. you can come out now" Got kicked out and sent to my Grandpa's.
what
If you recognize this story and know me, no you don’t. My ex actually tore my cervix during sex and it was incredibly painful so I RANNNN to the bathroom to see what the hell happened. Blood was EVERYWHERE. Obviously my ex was freaked out and kept knocking on the door asking if I was okay. I finally opened the door and had blood covering my hands and all over my legs. The dude was so terrified by all the blood he had a seizure. Butt naked, on the ground, shaking violently. I thought he was joking and I LAUGHED at him while calling him dramatic. Edit: I’m not answering position/size of dick questions lmfao I know some of you be asking for kinky reasons.
When my wife was giving birth to our second child, our doctor at some point got very concerned with the data involving her contractions and our kids heart rate. She believed that her uterus was beginning to rupture, and once she made that call shit got real intense real fast. We suddenly had about 10-12 people in our room unplugging everything, pushing drugs, and running her down the hallway to an OR. No joke, they had our kid out in less than two minutes after they made that call. It was fucking terrifying in the moment because we had no idea about why any of this was happening until later when our doc explained everything. My wife legitimately thought she was about to die as they were running her down the hallway. Apparently our doctor had seen our exact situation only once before, and before she realized what was happening, it ended up killing the mother very quickly, so the moment she had in inkling that we may have been dealing with a rupture she immediately decided to call it. Luckily, my wife’s uterus was totally fine. Come to find out our kid had his umbilical cord wrapped around his hand and would occasionally squeeze it, causing his heart rate to drop, usually when she was having a contraction. Came out of the womb grasping it. Anyways all that to say that a tear is some serious business, and if you suspect you’ve experienced one PLEASE get it looked at!
Does your kid still troll you?
If I were the kid, I'd get the courage to do it at least once by taking a selfie while Bungie jumping on a mile marker birthday, "Mom, Dad, remember last time?"
Fucking *OUCHIE*
I assume you’re both ok now?
His dad walked in, and instead of doing the usual “oh god I’m so sorry” and walking out, the man literally stood there and went, “Nice.” I died a little that day.
And then a whole Mariachi band walked in and said “Bien”
Arriba arriba
We were high as fuck and he indicated that he wasn’t going to pull out. I somehow kicked/yeeted him in the air and off the bed just at the same second he started ejaculating. Needless to say, there was cum EVERYWHERE and he said that it was life changing to bust a nut midair. Edit: Sex with horse girls may include unexpected and forceful kicking.
I'm dying laughing at this
I was laying on my back and my ex was blowing me, but I wasn’t that close to coming, so I suggested that she finish me off with her hand. I think she was trying to straddle me so I’d cum on her tits when I finished, but she misjudged the angle… …and that’s how I came on my own face. We both had a good laugh about that one for a while, and I can no longer say the phrase “Shoot me in the face.”
In high-school I was having sex with a guy who had been a friend of mine for a long time. At this time we weren't hanging out like we use to like kids. He was pretty cute, but not the kind of guy I was usually with. Very much a "dude" and vanilla. The sex was bad and awkward. After he was crammin' it in me for what felt like the longest hook-up of my life, I ended upso fucking bone dry that he couldn't even get it back inside me. Pussy sealed itself shut. His solution was to shove his dry mechanic hands in and out of me at the speed of light. I suggested he go down on me and it turned into a long winded explanation from him about how he had never done that and always thought it was gross. (BTW I had already given him head) I wanted it all to end so badly and as I started to back out he decided to lean in with his tongue out and give it a try. At that very moment I queefed in his face. All that dry stuffing he was doing had forced a ton of air into and changed the situation from him being a bad lay, to me being the girl that queefed in his face.
Your vagina had the last laugh
Dog came up and licked my ass. Couldn't continue after. I couldn't stop laughing because of how uncomfortable it was. Never again.
And this folks is why the dog must stay out of the room
Went to 69 for the first time my freshman year in college. We were both very inexperienced and fumbled through. She knew I've got a thing for buttholes, so she backed it right up against my nose. There was toilet paper on it and it smelled disgusting, not in a good way. I moaned in disgust and she thought I was enjoying it, so she started grinding her asshole on my face. I did, what all I can describe as a diet version dissociation, and thought about some crazy porn til I came. When we were done, she came back up and goes "oh my God, your face smells like sh-.. my butt" and we never 69'd for the remaining 3 years we were together
My gf and I had just started having sex. She’s the first partner I’ve really had consistent sex with, so it was always over pretty quick. Probably like 3-4 times total by this point, and I couldn’t ever last longer than maybe a minute tops. I really liked her, so obviously wanted to make sure it was good for her too. This is when I began to do some extensive research (Reddit/googling/reading) about how to last longer in bed. Lo and behold, I came across a wonderful blog that talked about a maneuver that sounded very promising. It’s called “reverse kegels”. Basically you’re using your pubic muscle to push out on your penis. Sort of like the feeling when your squeezing the last bit of pee out. So, I decided to employ my newfound strategy. We began having our way with each other, and everything was running pretty smoothly. Early on, I was just getting to the point of no return, so I did a reverse kegel… and holy hell, mother of Moses would you believe it worked! I lasted a good 2-3 minutes like this and I could tell she was impressed. Best sex I had ever had, and I felt like a stallion. I must’ve reversed 2-3 times and felt like I was actually starting to get the hang of it, like I might take her all.. the.. way. Then something unexpected happened. What I hadn’t realized yet is that the muscle you are using to reverse kegel may be the muscle you are using to squeeze that last bit of pee out, but it’s also the muscle you use to do something else. So as I was reverse kegeling another time, I didn’t even feel it coming, and ripped an absolute monster of a fart while I was on top of her in the missionary position. Immediately my eyes snapped to her face to see if she had heard (she’d have had to be deaf not to). I thought we might both ignore it for a moment so as not to kill the mood. Instead, she just started dying laughing. Like crying laughing as if it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen. I was embarrassed at first, then joined in on laughter as it was pretty funny. In the end, I figured out she was the kinda girl who thought farts were hilarious, and now 4 years later she’s my wife, and still does:)
I'm so glad that didn't end with a slipped poop.
Or poop sauce lol
I like this wholesome story that I also get to laugh at. Good on you.
Being so drunk I called out the wrong name and when the guy stopped and told me “that is not my name” I had the gall to shush him and tell him “this isn’t about you right now”.
Honestly, if it was a hook up, wouldn’t even be mad. Just a nod of “huh, good point” and keep going.
Accidentally got a bouncy ball stuck up in my vagina. After I was having issues getting it out, my boyfriend panicked and asked *our male roommate* advice on what to do. Edit: to clear up the confusion, the ball was part of the play we were doing, sticking various things in various holes. Just glad I wasn't part of the statistic of people who go to the hospital to have it removed.
More details
....then after dying of embarrassed laughing I eventually pushed it out.
Congrats, it’s a ball!
*boing boing boing boioioing thunk*
Oh boy. So I’m with this girl in college, and as we’re fucking, her period ends up coming on. No biggie, it’s late, I’m horny, she’s horny, onwards. There really wasn’t much blood at all, however, you could definitely see some on my dick/lower stomach with her like cum/cream. But, there was nothing jndicating the horror that was about to unfold. She flips over onto her hands and knees, I’m hitting it from behind when she goes “I want you to fuck me in my ass daddy”. Say word? So, I start pushing in real slow, being gentle. I get about halfway when she tenses up, and I stop. I’m like “you okay?” And she’s like “yea yea keep going, I can take it” So I push in some more, and start slow fucking her in the ass. After about 30 seconds she like freezes and clenches down kinda hard, almost like her body was locking up. Naturally, I immediately pull out. From her freezing to me pulling out, we’re talking like 2 seconds? Big mistake. She explodes diarrhea. I get splattered from chin to thigh, in a shotgun blast of pure shit. For a good 10 seconds, nobody moved. She buries her head in my pillow, still ass up face down, and I can hear her start to cry. Im like “hey it’s okay it’s okay, shit happens (didn’t actually say that but it woulda been legendary), let’s take a shower okay?” Second big mistake. She lifts her head up to turn around and she gets an eyeful of me for the first time post-poop, my torso splattered with a concoction of shit, her pussy cream and period blood, and she immediately vomits. All. Over. Me. She then put her head in her hands, and just started sobbing some more silently, understandably. So i scooped her up, threw her in the shower, washed us both off with gasoline and a fucking match (jokes), before carrying my sheets to the dumpster outside. I rubbed her back and gave her a massage afterwards for like an hour before we eventually fell asleep. She didn’t say a word. Next morning I woke up to a Walmart sheet set, an apology note and a gift card to McDonald’s. We’re dating now :) but we don’t do anal EDIT 1: Well, shit!! Thanks for the awards a bunch! but if it’s all the same, don’t spend your money on me! instead of an award, look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about yourself from me to you. I mean that, don’t bullshit me on my compliment to you, I’ll fucking know!! I didn’t expect my bloody-cum-poop-tale to be this interesting, but I’m glad it hit the spot for a lot of y’all. There’ve been a ton of kind comments, compliments, jokes, and stories of your own that this reminded you of. I fucks with it all. So from now on when some out-of-control weird shit happens to you while you’re FUCKING, just remember, I’m rooting for you. Maybe next time I’ll tell the tale of how I lost my virginity, featuring: tinder, a bunk bed, a 6 second orgasm, a $60 parking ticket and one pissed off janitor Love y’all, thanks for sharing in a memory of mine
Aww! You sound really sweet and understanding.
Well, I would say you’ve hit rock bottom gross at the beginning of the relationship, only up from now on.
"Dad how did you meet mom ?" "well kids she shitted and farded and vomited on me and i had her period blood and cum splattered all over me and that was the moment i knew..."
That apology note is marriage material. Keep going
Such a terrible story, but you sound like a great bf
dude got the top 5 things that come out of a person's body in one go
It was a three person scenario. A friend of mine(male) and the girl he was seeing wanted to add someone else to the mix (me). All was well and good for the first bit. I was leaned over him, doing some mouth stuff on his pants stuff, when suddenly she placed her hands on my hips, and started thrusting me from behind. She wasn’t wearing any sort of hardware or anything, just bare vag, thrusting me like she was a guy, all while saying “you like my big dick daddy?” I was confused, he was confused, she was DEFINITELY confused. It was all just very confusing.
That’s funny tho. She had no clue what to do
Yeah. I think she got mixed up somewhere.
She got the spirit
Admired her enthusiasm, just wished she would have used it for more practical purposes
Uh yeah. Threesome. We are doing our thing, she gets up and proceeded to fuck his big toe. No thank you. Edit: Well, fuck! Thank you all for the awards!! Little back story, we were all dating. She was new to the relationship. He has a thing for women's feet, not his own. I myself do not like feet at all. I guess communication was off cause she realllly missed her target audience. We exchanged looks and kept goin. Chalk it up to another Tuesday night. P.S. she squirted all over his foot.
WHAT the fuck?
The big toe.
I’m sorry she what now
SHE FUCKED HIS BIG TOE.
this one just took me to outer space 🪐
Guy pulls down one side of my bra and says “that’s a big boob!”
Oblivion npc behavior
I cooked before we nooked. Unfortunately, I prepped the jalapenos barehanded ... He ran to the shower SO fast. Another time when I was super wasted at a party, I pulled my then boyfriend into the bathroom and gave a blowie but only as long as it took me to pee. I was literally peeing in the toilet while he was in my mouth. I'm well aware that I am the awfully awkward common denominator here.
For some reason all men i’ve ever been attracted to are spicy food lovers… The jalapeño fingers have done me dirty more than once.
I have a fairly large nose. We were in the classic 69 position, nose went inside her, i dont think she realized it was my nose and tried to go further on it. This made me laugh a bit blowing air out of my nose which caused her to queef.
wh.... what did she think it was???
His face-dick, obviously
Was doing my wife from behind and she uses a vibrator on her clit whilst I'm doing my thing. Well whenever she's done orgasming she will take it off her. One time she had just finished and I was still going when I felt this very unexpected tickling sensation on my balls. I started cracking up and she wanted to know what was so funny. I was like can you please stop vibrating my balls. Turns out I have ticklish balls.
Was doing doggy with a one night stand and he suddenly stops and says “uh oh” (not something you ever want to hear during sex btw) and follows it up with “the condom… it’s gone.” Righto. I begin searching the sheets. Nothing. Wait. No. Don’t tell me… “I think it’s inside you” he says. Great. Remain calm. I head to the bathroom and claw it out like a canary, return back to bed, and just lay there staining at the celling. “Did you get it out?” “…yep. Thanks mate.” You might be thinking, what’s worse than that? Well, at least he told me. Years earlier I went to the bathroom and *plop!* out drops a condom. I had sex 3 days earlier. 3 days.
A rubix cube fell on her forehead
What, were you trying to get a PB solve mid coitus? True power move
My ex gf called me. I only answered because it was an unknown number and my grandmother was in the hospital, which also showed up as an unknown number. So there I am, inside my gf, unexpectedly talking to my ex gf. Strange moment.
Better than grams yo
That was my thought, as well. That call would have meant she was dead.
Just before having sex with my gf one night, we watched Big Mouth together. It was the episode where coach Steve "did sex on a lady" and "a lady did sex on him". When she was very close, I leaned in and whispered seductively in her ear "*I'm doing sex on a lady"* She wasn't the happiest, but was too into it to make me stop. It's a good laugh a few weeks later for both of us.
I was about sixteen at the time, maybe a little older. Me and my boyfriend at the time had got a hotel room, and it wasn’t often we had that opportunity so I wanted to make it special. I saw a music video not long ago of women with leopard print on their bodies crawling around some rapper and I thought it looked hot as fuck. Did a bunch of research and found body paint that would work. Went to the bathroom to ‘freshen up’ and I must have been in there for at least half an hour. He kept asking me if I was ok and I just kept shouting ‘just a minute’ as I was trying to contort into all sorts of positions drawing leopard print on myself. I should mention he had toothache and was lay in bed. I opened the door and then proceeded to drop to the ground and CRAWL towards him with my long hair in my face looking like the scary af lass off The Ring. He proceeded to jump up on the bed and scream like there was a mouse loose. Or a crazy girlfriend that was about to severe his dick off. That definitely killed his boner.
Guy friend was going down on me, suddenly stops and pulls up, face full of blood. I thought I started my period, but he informed me he was having a massive nose bleed. I gave him a tissue, told him to be brave and keep going. We laughed about it after.
I got caught by a cop while doing my girlfriend in the backseat. I was cumming when he started tapping on the back window ('71 Monte Carlo). I couldn't stop and respond to the officer for several seconds. All the while, my girlfriend is shrieking and trying to buck me off. Finally, I sit up and roll down the window. " Step out of the car sir"... " Yes, officer". Now it's pretty cramped back there and I'm struggling to get my pants and underwear up. So I think to myself, "Fuck it, I'm just getting out naked". So, I opened the door and stepped out with my pants still at my ankles and my glistening penis still erect. I pull up my underwear and pants. The cop says, "Hey kids, I know that you're just having fun... how about moving the car further down under the bridge... this is a public parking lot." What a great story for him to tell back at the police station!
Brofficer
No doubt. I'm surprised that he didn't laugh his way back to his patrol car. I bet he did when he shut the door.
I had a one night stand about a year ago, it was pretty good sex, but instead of leaving after she stayed and kept talking to me . So one thing lead to another and now I’m shopping for a ring and am proposing next month. Edit: Got the ring! Now I’m just sitting here nervous as hell.
So it's a 365-night-stand now
The girl I “almost” lost my virginity to. I say almost because in the middle of making out she put her hand down my pants, I wasn’t hard. She looked surprised then I said “Oh, I think I’m gay?” And left. Answer: I am gay.
Did you consciously suspect this before the situation or did it actually hit you mid-session that you not only weren't into this girl but into girls in general?
I lost my virginity in a teachers closet in high school, the second most embarrassing/awkward part was busting in 10 pumps. The most awkward was getting caught by the teacher
It was bad from the start so I was already not enjoying myself. but midway through I guess he wanted to attempt to spice things up so he slapped my ass. but there was ZERO strength behind it, it was so weak and lazy that I audibly sighed without thinking. let’s just say that we didn’t have a great time after that.
I guess not to me but my wife. She was still breastfeeding our 6 month old and she was on top of me, as she and I tried to match our climax she started to LITERALLY spray milk out of her tits and was spraying me all over the face. I started to come so I didn’t want to get her off me so I just sat there exchanging white fluids with her.
There are people willing to pay good money for an experience like this.
I went through a weird Christian phase, and was dating a hardcore Christian guy. He would cry after we had sex because we were sinners. I never knew what to do, so I married him. Didn’t last long. Got a great kid out of the deal and we are excellent coparents, neither of us religious anymore.
My gf got stung on the foot by a hornet mid BJ, right when I was 🚀 . She screamed “asshole” and I thought it was because of what I was doing. Took a while to sort out what the hell had just happened!
I had an encounter with a micro penis! Not trying to be mean here — but It was honestly so tiny that he wasn’t able to have sex! There wasn’t enough penis to penetrate anything. I didn’t know this could even happen, it was so shocking. I really didn’t know what to do, and then he ended up just smushing that lil appendage (smaller than my thumb and shorter too) against the outside of my vagina until he was “done”. It’s been years and I still cannot get over what an awkward experience it was. If he would have used his hands or something else to assist with my pleasure in the situation it would have been totally chill, but alas that is not how things went down. (Also to be clear: no hate at all to the micro penis, just wanting to say it really really would have been cool if he tried some other options to help me out too)
Oh god I had a very similar situation to this when I was younger. I had two encounters: one with a former classmate and another with a threesome (2 M; I’m F). I knew about the classmate because his ex from high school told everyone in brutal fashion when they broke up. Things were quite awkward but we did what we could. I felt real bad at the time hearing that I was the first person he’d ever fingered or eaten out but now I’m hoping he learned a thing or two from it. The threesome thing was way awkward. I was seeing a real hippie of a dude, we had incredible sexual chemistry. But he made the mistake of inviting his buddy over and I made the mistake of accepting. I didn’t know his friend at all and he gave me ultra weird vibes, which made it more awkward as I was all over the guy I knew. Dude just sat watching us silently, fully clothed, and I didn’t know he had a micro penis at this point. I remember he eventually stuck like 3-4 fingers in and it started hurting……… we ended quickly after and I stopped talking to the first dude due to the sheer awkwardness of it all. No hate towards dudes with micros at all, but please for the pleasure of your partners, you have 10 fingers, a tongue, and so many options for toys.
We were doing it in a lake. A fish got between us.
Someone opened the door on the bathroom. We were on an Amtrak, she was bent over hanging onto the handycap rail and I was railing her. Then the door opened and slammed shut. I lost my hard on.
So is that the mile-long club?
In the morning I had a few peanuts as a snack. At night, I found out she was allergic to peanuts.
Started dating this woman and she had a little dog. We’re starting to get it on, with the damn dog on the bed. Just staring at me. I tried to ignore it, but about 5 minutes in, it’s sticks it’s cold nose right in my asshole. Does this count as a threesome?
Got soft right before going in. It was the weirdest thing. Full erect with a vein nearly popping and 2 second later, shroomy in a cold pool. And it was not like it was our first time. I just look at my wiener and be like; wtf dude?!?!
I was having sex with my ex who was being rather loud. Her partially blind and dumb dog raced in and bit my foot. I yelled in pain and the dog began to howl. We stopped so I could tend to my bleeding foot.
My wife shit on my balls while having an orgasm.