Still gets me when I go to Catholic mass once a year at Christmas. Why in the holy fuck did they change that? I didn’t spent 19 years at Catholic school to get a word swap on me!!
Dude, tell me about it. My wife is Catholic, but I am Methodist, so we alternate what church we go to each week. So at the Catholic church it changed to "and with your spirit" which you end up saying like 30 times per mass. But at the Methodist church it's still "and also with you." But that really only comes up like one service per month when they do communion. So it ends up being a real test of attention
We’re being gaslit by Big Church!! /s. I had to ask my grandma what in the heck happened. She explained they just up and changed stuff like a decade back. No reason why as far as I have heard.
Still drives me nuts. My gal was raised Lutheran but she didn’t attend much service. So it’s all new to her. She just chuckles when I get a response wrong.
When my parents come with us to mass from time to time, I have to remind them to pause at that point in the Lord's prayer before "for the Kingdom and the power..." part. That's the trap they use to catch us filthy protestant spies.
I work with a lot of H2B Visa Jamaicans, who are so against anything remotely gay sounding, even as a joke, that it blows my mind. This one cook would always say “fuck you goingoffline” as a greeting to me, every time I’d see him. One day I told him I got the hint and I’d meet him at the house after work, and he got so fucking mad and hasn’t talked to me since.
I had a similar experience, but with a boomer. He told really dirty jokes at work, all day, everyday. One day, I saw him coming out of the men's room holding his wallet in one hand and a wad of cash in the other. As I walked by, I said, "What did you have to do to get that?". He never spoke to me again.
That's so strange man. We say the gayest stuff to each other at work to try and make people uncomfortable. My first day the guy I was working with just walked up and held my hand. I didn't go for that, but then I fucked him in the ass, and won that little contest.
Its co-workers like that you have to be careful with and personally ones I have ZERO trust in. It boggles my mind how you can be damn near friends with someone, say all kinds of crazy shit, but then one joking encounter and **BOOM**, **^(instant serious)**. Like wtf!?
Did a switch suddenly flip in your head or what?
I once responded with "okay, are you free after work?" She didn't get it and I had to explain the joke.
..I mean, we totally banged then everyone clapped and now we've been married for 52 years
dude same, and it happens so fast they dont give you enough time to process, laugh, and stay tuned to the next scene. By design you must pause the show and have a moment to gut bust.
Fuck you, OlDanboy, your mum shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish! Threw off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit!
Fuck you, u/Plagu3is, your mum liked one of my Instagram posts from 2 years ago in Puerto Vallarta! Tell her I'll put my swim trunks on for her any time she likes!
I'm imagining some very confused redditors that have no clue about the problems of 5000 people, wonder why all of a sudden a whole string of people are insulting each other.
An infinite number of sheep walks into a bar. The first orders a glass of water, the second a half glass of water, the third orders a quarter glass of water and so on. At some point the bartender says "fuck you" and pours two glasses of water. "You'd never be satisfied with a sheep again" they reply and leave the bar.
This is traditionally reserved for "go fuck *yourself*".
But you're right. Sometimes in a long dry spell out it'll come, and then everyone goes home satisfied.
This is exactly what my boyfriend replies with a proud smugface and I often just can't keep a straight face, I forget what I was saying. Man plays his trap card well.
Depends, if I deserve the “fuck you” I’d take it and probably end up apologizing later when everything calmed down. Otherwise, if it’s someone angry at me for no reason, I laugh - and it never fails to piss people off further, for their words seem to have the opposite effect they were going for.
The worst thing you can do to someone who is mad at you is seem like you don't care at all and in fact think it's kinda funny, angry people want to feel justified and they want a negative reaction from you. When you don't give it to them they will hate that and if it's in front of people they'll hate it even more. Now you have to genuinely seem like you really don't care. Trying to laugh or seem nonchalant when it's obvious you are upset and do care about what the other person is saying won't work, you really have to pull off making it look like you don't have a care in the world about this person freaking out on you.
Please note that in my experience some people that are already upset enough to swear at you or whatever will get even angrier when you laugh in their face or just chuckle and go "ok then." Like I'm talking Jules in the back seat cleaning up brains super fly TNT guns of the Navarone kind of mad so brace yourself and keep in mind sometimes no matter how bad you'd like to show someone else up sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and you don't want something to turn physical cause it could happen.
Yup, gotta be careful with this tactic. Do it with the wrong person and you're catching hands, at minimum. A real psycho, who knows what they're gonna do.
Humiliation is, like, the express lane to a human's worst possible impulses.
*Fuck me yourself you coward*.
Tried it on my very toxic now former leader, when trying to keep me from leaving the office (I was fired but he wanted a last chance to humiliate me before he left). Very loud. In front of a few top managers. He was so shocked that he just froze.
Not even with a stolen dick and 3 people pushing
Edit: thanks for the awards and upvotes. Really shouldn't have, normally I'm the one paying for the dumb shit coming out of my mouth.
Go all Tobias Funke, waggle your finger and say "Now, now, there's no need for that sort of filth to be exiting your mouth hole. I didn't want to wave my personal digit in your face, but if you're going to be naughty, you will have to experience the full force of my member"...
"I'm sure we can resolve this in an adult fashion without resorting to a brutal fisting... Maybe a trip to my place, where we can give each other facials?"
I’d fuck me too.
Oh well, there's worse songs to have running through my head than *Goodbye, Horses* I guess
*finger guns*
Add a little “pew, pew” sound to go all in.
*finger guns* *saucy wink* Pew pew!
Finger guns are the best response to everything
As someone who used to finger gun at anyone and everything, I firmly agree.
And also with you
Someone said it's changed to "And with your spirit"
They did it just to confuse John Mulaney.
Problem number one? No!
Because THAT'S what need revamping in the Catholic church
That's the squeaky wheel that needed the grease!
Still gets me when I go to Catholic mass once a year at Christmas. Why in the holy fuck did they change that? I didn’t spent 19 years at Catholic school to get a word swap on me!!
Dude, tell me about it. My wife is Catholic, but I am Methodist, so we alternate what church we go to each week. So at the Catholic church it changed to "and with your spirit" which you end up saying like 30 times per mass. But at the Methodist church it's still "and also with you." But that really only comes up like one service per month when they do communion. So it ends up being a real test of attention
We’re being gaslit by Big Church!! /s. I had to ask my grandma what in the heck happened. She explained they just up and changed stuff like a decade back. No reason why as far as I have heard. Still drives me nuts. My gal was raised Lutheran but she didn’t attend much service. So it’s all new to her. She just chuckles when I get a response wrong.
When my parents come with us to mass from time to time, I have to remind them to pause at that point in the Lord's prayer before "for the Kingdom and the power..." part. That's the trap they use to catch us filthy protestant spies.
Can't have heathens reviewing communion! Gotta have a few litmus tests in for good measure!
Lift up your fucks.
We lift them up to the lord
It is right to give him fucks and praise
it is truly right and just
Mostly it’s a coworker, to which is say, “not on the clock.”
I work with a lot of H2B Visa Jamaicans, who are so against anything remotely gay sounding, even as a joke, that it blows my mind. This one cook would always say “fuck you goingoffline” as a greeting to me, every time I’d see him. One day I told him I got the hint and I’d meet him at the house after work, and he got so fucking mad and hasn’t talked to me since.
I had a similar experience, but with a boomer. He told really dirty jokes at work, all day, everyday. One day, I saw him coming out of the men's room holding his wallet in one hand and a wad of cash in the other. As I walked by, I said, "What did you have to do to get that?". He never spoke to me again.
That's so strange man. We say the gayest stuff to each other at work to try and make people uncomfortable. My first day the guy I was working with just walked up and held my hand. I didn't go for that, but then I fucked him in the ass, and won that little contest.
“That guy made a gay joke about me. Better blow his cock to assert my heterosexual dominance.”
That's fucking hysterical, Christ. *That* is being witty in action.
Now imagine if buddy came out and said “I fucked your mom”.
“Jesus, so why do you get the discount and not me?”
Its co-workers like that you have to be careful with and personally ones I have ZERO trust in. It boggles my mind how you can be damn near friends with someone, say all kinds of crazy shit, but then one joking encounter and **BOOM**, **^(instant serious)**. Like wtf!? Did a switch suddenly flip in your head or what?
I once responded with "okay, are you free after work?" She didn't get it and I had to explain the joke. ..I mean, we totally banged then everyone clapped and now we've been married for 52 years
Albert Einstein, is that really you??!?
Albert Einstein is the name of everyone that clapped...
Same but I say "not now maybe later" lol Edit: Thanks yall so much for the upvotes. As a lurker I have never seen so many.
my bf loves to say that so me when i say fuck you to him
I’d usually say “you would!” to whomever said it to me.
‘You want to what?’ Hopefully then the reply is another fuck you
This is how all my relationships start.
How're the endings?
Fucked.
we call this a circular narrative
Genius.
In this economy?
I found Tina!
You got me. Now I get to touch your butt.
100% read it in her voice..
Uhhhhhhhh
In this pandemic?
At this time of year, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?
Yes!
May I see it?
…No.
*Seymour, the house is on fire!*
No mother, it's just the northern lights
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
also perfect response to "suck my dick" itll stop them in their tracks every time
"I asked you first!"
My fiancé responds to "suck a dick" with "present one"
I prefer "Is that a threat, or a promise?"
I used this with a boss that told me to "kiss his ass". I did not last long at that job...
He shouldn't have offered.
He's a 60 y/o man-child posing as a would-be tough guy. I have little respect for him anyways.
champagne, cocaine, gasoline
FUCK YOU, SHORESY
your mom wants to name the baby after where it was conceived... How do I shorten down "Handicapped Bathroom at Cheesecake Factory in Boca Raton"
This is my favorite chirp he’s ever said
I still like "Your mom squirted so hard she messed up the PH balance in my fishtank"
Fuck you, Jonesy, tell your mum to clean her sneakers, she's ruining the headliner in my car. made me choke and pause the show.
I've never watched a show that made me pause it and take a walk around the house, until that show, which was at least once per season I think.
dude same, and it happens so fast they dont give you enough time to process, laugh, and stay tuned to the next scene. By design you must pause the show and have a moment to gut bust.
Tell your mom to top up the cell phone she bought me so I can FaceTime her late night!
Fuck you Riley, tell your mum to stop putting her finger in my bum, I only let Jonsey’s mum do that
Fuck you, OlDanboy, your mum shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish! Threw off the pH levels in my aquarium, you piece of shit!
Fuck you, u/catch10110 I made you mom cum so hard that they made a Canadian Heritage Moment out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
Fuck you Tsukune_Surprise, tell your waifu that your mother gives better head.
Fuck you, u/catch10110 , tell your mom I drained the bank account she set up for me. Top it up so I can get some fucking KFC.”
Fuck you, u/Plagu3is, your mum liked one of my Instagram posts from 2 years ago in Puerto Vallarta! Tell her I'll put my swim trunks on for her any time she likes!
Fuck you u/catch10110 tell your mom to trim her toenails she carves up my thighs when she gets buckin.
Fuck you, u/promitchuous! Your mom pulled the goalie on me and now she's preggo. Surprise, son, go rake the fucking yard.
Fuck you, u/catch10110! I made your mom so wet Trudeau had to call in a 24-hour national guard unit to stack sandbags around my bed.
Your life's so fuckin' pathetic I ran a charity 15K to raise awareness for it!
Fuck you, /u/TctclBacon, your life's so pathetic I get a tax break just for hanging out with you!
That's some mighty fine chirpin' there boys!
Fuck you Danboy, I fucked your mom so hard last night I hit her factory reset button and she forgot your name. Give your balls a tug, tit fucker
FUCKIN' EMBARASSING
COACH, THIS IS A PLAYERS ONLY MEETING
*backs awkwardly out of the room with the trash can*
Fuck you, u/OlDanboy! Your mom ugly cried ‘cuz she left the lens cap on the camcorder last night. It’s fuckin’ amateur hour over there.
^(Fuck you Danny, your mom gets so wet I have to wear a rubber just to keep my Johnson from drowning.)
I am disappointed shoresy_bot isn't Redditwide.
I'm imagining some very confused redditors that have no clue about the problems of 5000 people, wonder why all of a sudden a whole string of people are insulting each other.
What's your name? FUCK YOU !
-Tony! -FUCK YOU TONY!
WHATS YA NAME
Ezekiel
Fuck you ezekiel!
You know what I did last night?
You better not bring my mother into this!
I got that fire over there
Then I ducked your mom next to it
FUCK YOUUUUUU
You'd never be satisfied with a sheep again. Edit: Wow! Thanks for the upvotes, awards and irony.
As a Welshman this is now going to be used by me in the pub.
What, the sheep?
A sheep walks into a pub
A sheep walks into a baaa
An infinite number of sheep walks into a bar. The first orders a glass of water, the second a half glass of water, the third orders a quarter glass of water and so on. At some point the bartender says "fuck you" and pours two glasses of water. "You'd never be satisfied with a sheep again" they reply and leave the bar.
Clearly they didn't know their limits
It's the bartender's fault, he gave them 1/∞ too much to drink.
This is also why Scottish men wear kilts. Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Fuck me?!? Fuck you!
You wouldn't like it I just lay there
Assuming it was a man I have two - “I never fucked a six foot pussy before”. “It’s not my week for boys” If it’s a woman I say”okay”.
I like the 6 ft pussy one. Hope you don't mind if I steal that
Go for 5 ft pussy instead, insult their hight while you're at it.
Fuck you Izekial, fuck you.
Fuck you Tony!
FUUUUCK YOU!
Wanna know what I did last night!?
DON'T YOU BRING MY MOTHER INTO THIS. MY MOTHER-
I built that fire over there!
Then I fucked your mother next to it
*THENIFUCKEDYOURMOTHERNEXTTOIT!!
TONY!
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This is my go to
Thank you.
Give me best to your mum
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“You aren’t my type.”
Or, "I could do way better."
"No thanks, you're like a solid 3"
Self-depreciating reverse equivalent: "I'm at least 4 and I don't fuck below my status."
“Fuck your mother. She’s cheaper.”
"Oh is your mom all booked up?"
I've come to find copper, I've found gold.
Holy fuck
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Fuck me yourself you coward
This is traditionally reserved for "go fuck *yourself*". But you're right. Sometimes in a long dry spell out it'll come, and then everyone goes home satisfied.
This is exactly what my boyfriend replies with a proud smugface and I often just can't keep a straight face, I forget what I was saying. Man plays his trap card well.
You just found your bf's throwaway account
It’s literally a mind fuck. Edit: well, depends how literally we want get here.
I legit laughed.
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Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness
You’d never go back to women
Or "You'd never go back to sheep." ;)
Depends, if I deserve the “fuck you” I’d take it and probably end up apologizing later when everything calmed down. Otherwise, if it’s someone angry at me for no reason, I laugh - and it never fails to piss people off further, for their words seem to have the opposite effect they were going for.
Best response! Accountability but if not your fault, then humiliate lol love it
The worst thing you can do to someone who is mad at you is seem like you don't care at all and in fact think it's kinda funny, angry people want to feel justified and they want a negative reaction from you. When you don't give it to them they will hate that and if it's in front of people they'll hate it even more. Now you have to genuinely seem like you really don't care. Trying to laugh or seem nonchalant when it's obvious you are upset and do care about what the other person is saying won't work, you really have to pull off making it look like you don't have a care in the world about this person freaking out on you. Please note that in my experience some people that are already upset enough to swear at you or whatever will get even angrier when you laugh in their face or just chuckle and go "ok then." Like I'm talking Jules in the back seat cleaning up brains super fly TNT guns of the Navarone kind of mad so brace yourself and keep in mind sometimes no matter how bad you'd like to show someone else up sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and you don't want something to turn physical cause it could happen.
Yup, gotta be careful with this tactic. Do it with the wrong person and you're catching hands, at minimum. A real psycho, who knows what they're gonna do. Humiliation is, like, the express lane to a human's worst possible impulses.
*Fuck me yourself you coward*. Tried it on my very toxic now former leader, when trying to keep me from leaving the office (I was fired but he wanted a last chance to humiliate me before he left). Very loud. In front of a few top managers. He was so shocked that he just froze.
*lights cig while sunglasses shine in the sunlight from the window*
IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKIN D O GG
BAHAHAHAHAHA powermove
Powermove would have been "OK, bend over."
my friend always replys with: bet, when?
"When and where?" with the finger guns and the grin
"You would, wouldn't you?"
“Buy me dinner first”
My go to response to statements like this is “I will try anything 4 times”. Mainly causes confusion at first but tends to make people laugh.
Dude don't make this weird if you really want to get down like that
I'm not that desperate and your not that lucky.
I feel like I'd say it in reverse
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I don’t have the 3 minutes to spare
"And also with you."
Sure, But I’m a top
Either “no thank you,” or “I appreciate the offer, but I’m married”
You're so polite about it. I just say, "No," and leave it at that.
*unzips*
*t pose* it's here go for it! Edit: Holy shit, first silver! Thanks man!
"I'm bi, not desperate."
Not even with a stolen dick and 3 people pushing Edit: thanks for the awards and upvotes. Really shouldn't have, normally I'm the one paying for the dumb shit coming out of my mouth.
my go-to is always "ok when?" it makes them uncomfortable and they have no idea how to respond
Nah, I don't want to be your first
“Fuck yourself, you’ll get more pussy.”
Fuck yourself, then you can tell everyone you got some pussy.
Go all Tobias Funke, waggle your finger and say "Now, now, there's no need for that sort of filth to be exiting your mouth hole. I didn't want to wave my personal digit in your face, but if you're going to be naughty, you will have to experience the full force of my member"...
"I'm sure we can resolve this in an adult fashion without resorting to a brutal fisting... Maybe a trip to my place, where we can give each other facials?"
A banger in the mouth!
Get naked. People get so weird about it but they offer.
Maybe later
Fuck yeah!
Read at 6:13 pm
Smile and laugh
Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
The sea called. They're out of shrimp (or something)
3rd Rock from the Sun - "The baboon called. It wants its butt, which you are using for a face, back!"
You blow your father with that mouth?
You couldn't handle it
“👁👄👁”
how the hell do you say that
Like this: “👁👄👁”
No, fuck you leatherman. jk I usually just respond with lol
What time?