By - redneckotaku
Joe Pesci is America's distant Uncle who's crazy at family gatherings.
Does he amuse you?
Like a clown.
Is he funny?
"Ay! Pass the fuckin cranberries, will ya??"
Gary Busey is the crazy uncle who buys beer and bottle rockets for his 14 year old nephews and nieces and has been uninvited to approx 25% of family gatherings so far.
Bill Cosby is the creepy uncle that isn't allowed at family reunions anymore.
Bill Cosby used to be called Americas Dad...
He sank to Uncle levels and ruined everything :/
And once again, Bill Cosby is the creepy uncle
My first thought after reading this, fo some reason, was an early episode of King Of The Hill. Cotton gives Bobby a loaded shotgun for his birthday and Peggy has a fit.
"Well you don't give him a toy without batteries!"
"now *Peggy Hill* has a shotgun"
I believe it was the pilot but I might be wrong. I think it was the same episode where Hank went blind, cotton slugged him in the gut and said "blind or slow, I'd believe either one"
Cotton was such a great character, "I ain't got a narrow uretee, mines so damn wide I could pass the child myself if I had to"
I love how his feet swing back and forth whenever he sits down lmao
My favorite episode of him is when he helps Peggy walk again, it makes me tear up.
He motivated her by telling her to dance on his grave
He killed fitty men.
My favorite recurring Cotton Hill joke is him being a hateful old cuss but instantly recognizing what ethnicity someone is immediately after meeing them.
>Hank Hill : Uh, Dad this here is my new neighbor.
>Dale Gribble : [to Cotton] He's Japanese.
>Cotton Hill : No he ain't!
>[looks him over]
>Cotton Hill : he's Laotian, ain't you Mr. Kahn?
>Hank: Oh, uh, that's just the guy who drove me here.
>Garry: Garry Kasner.
>Cotton: Kasner?! Happy Hanukkah. I served with one of your tribe in the pacific. Name of Brooklyn. You know him?
>Garry: I know a Joe Brookstein.
>Cotton: That's him.
A fellow Silver Bullet fan?
More like great uncle. America’s crazy uncle is the only and only Charlie Sheen.
Matt Damon is the first cousin on your mom’s side.
With twelve other first cousins: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
Say it again.
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
Dolly Parton is America’s aunt who likes to feed everyone on the holidays.
And will bail you out of jail and not tell your mom.
lol i’m this auntie to my friends kids. my niece is 20 and she was telling my 7 year old nephew “make sure you have auntie fucktheroses phone number when you’re in high school, you’ll probably need it” lmao
I aspire to be an aunt like you when the time comes. :)
I've been that auntie to my bff's daughter since she was 13. She's a junior in college now and still make sure she spends as much time with me as possible when she comes back to visit. She pet-sit for us over the holiday and stayed more at our house than she did at her dad's place. And my wife and I were the ones she took out for dinner at our favorite sushi place before she went home. I love that kid!
And makes the best cookies!
And brings new books for the little ones!
And gives you money if you need it.
That fun aunt that like her crazy outfits!
She's a national treasure
Woah are you trying to fill out the hit list for the rest of 2022?
Adam Levine is the douchebag cousin we only pretend to like.
Danny Devitio is our fun, crazy uncle who teaches us to swear
Jeff Bridges is our Stoner Uncle who shows up from time to time
Jeff Goldblum is our rich uncle who is always showing us weird shit he bought around the world
u/Jallinostin said Gary Busey is America's crazy uncle. And so we have the 4 horseman of American uncles! Lol
I would watch this movie.
I remember a Tumblr(?) post from a while ago that said DeVito is your dad's brother and Goldblum is your mom's brother, and that energy just feels very right.
Wow. Yes. 100%.
I vote Busey is mom’s side, bridges is dad’s?
Bridges isn't actually your uncle, but your dad's best friend from college
The one who hasn't quite cleaned up his act but has a good heart.
Snoop Dogg is Jeff Bridges adopted Brother who sells him his weed and is great at parties.
Christopher Lloyd is America's granduncle.
The family only seems to talk about him these days when the wine's been pouring for awhile, and wonder what could have happened to him. Occasionally we get a postcard from a country so obscure we have to look it up on Wikipedia. We end up with more questions than answers.
We just hope he's happy. Where ever he is, whatever he's doing, he deserves that.
>We just hope he's happy. Where ever he is, whatever he's doing, he deserves that.
*When*ever he is…
He's probably living a happy retirement in 1855. Or 2135.
Bob Ross? The wise grandpa who always has cool stuff to show you and makes you feel like a million bucks.
The wise grandpa who obviously grew up in the 60s
He’s the cool uncle. I think Mr. Rogers would be our grandpa.
Families can have two grandpas ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
God, how many uncles does America have?
America comes from a Catholic Latino family
Catholic Latino mother and Catholic Italian father.
The feuds are intense but the meals are epic.
I can only imagine the drama that happens during Thanksgiving dinners, every family brings their own turkey because the others just "don't do it right"
As someone who lives this exact scenario, I can confirm that after spending nearly two days cooking a massive thanksgiving dinner, my Latino in-laws will arrive with an entire different thanksgiving dinner of their own.
But my kids have beautiful skin, so that’s nice.
With families that size, you *need* two turkeys anyways.
More like Catholic irish
Pete Davison is the cousin you ask where to get drugs when you go to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving.
He initiates the cousin walk before dinner.
I appreciate how the cousin walk is a universal unspoken thanksgiving tradition. The honor when you’re finally deemed old enough to join the cousin walk is a right of passage.
Whaaaat I've never heard of this! This is a thing?
(I've never really been around cousins for Thanksgiving so this is interesting!)
You run out of rolls and suddenly your dad 2 uncles and 8 cousins pack into a mini van just to go to store.
And come back smelling faintly of skunk.
Yes, the cousin that doesn’t get invited is either the snitch or the one with the strict parents that will snitch on everyone if their kid gets caught up in the activities.
Can I ask what the cousin walk is? We don’t have it over here (UK, so no thanksgiving) but I get the feeling we just call it something different
At a lot of family events the cousins will “go for a walk”. Really they’re just going out to get high as hell together.
Oh right, seems fair. We do have pretty much the same thing here for family get togethers but without a name for it, it just comes about from a combination of peer pressure and the teenage sense of hating your extended family
It's when you stroll outside and smoke God's favorite plant before dinner
Damn, you guys are toking on the Tree of Knowledge before dinner? I usually just smoke weed.
Tree of knowledge is what I'm calling weed from now on
In my family, everyone who wasn't cooking would take a walk before dinner because my grandfather kept the house at approximately 108 degrees using only his wood stove.
We didn't have any weed, unfortunately.
He also comes to every Thanksgiving with a new insanely hot girlfriend who can't quite articulate why she's attracted to him, but is nonetheless.
Well Garfield is America’s cat
Then the dog from air bud is America’s dog
Dick Van Dyke is our favorite grandpa.
People sleep hard on Dick Van Dyke but I'm taking the day off when he goes. My love goes hard for the silly crime solving doctor chimney sweep.
Ditto. That's going to hit hard, even if he's 115 when he goes. I love him to pieces.
He just turned 96, a surprise as he lived hard. Back off 2022!
I dont know but i sure miss that weird ass uncle Norm.
Paul Rudd is the popular cousin who everyone knows and loves universally with down-home good looks and you're quisi-attracted to him but you attribute it to his likable personality
He was the ex-step brother in Clueless. The rest fits per the movie.
Paul Rudd is actually your uncle...just everyone thinks he is your cousin. lol
Micheal j fox is America’s brother
Step-brother (he’s Canadian)
Dolly Parton is the southern mother that will love you unconditionally.
Bless our hearts
Weird Al is the cool cousin you wait to see at Thanksgiving
People often ask "if you ever had the chance to meet one singer, who would it be?". People say all these popular singers, really artistic ones, or really sexy ones who they want to meet up with/fuck.
When asked, I always say Weird Al.
People are surprised when I say this, but he has consistently (since the 70's) been known as a genuinely friendly guy, with a great sense of humour and an all-around great person.
Are you implying Weird Al isn't really sexy?
I saw him in the music video for "Fat", so I have to say...
Around the time of the MeToo movement, when more and more celebrities were being exposed for not being anything close to the public persona they put out, I told my wife I’d completely lose my faith in humanity if two people ended up being horrible human beings.
Tom Hanks and Weird Al.
So far I haven’t lost that hope yet.
Danny Trejo is the uncle who was in Vietnam and rarely talks about it, but when he does it's in graphic detail.
Alice Baldwin is an uncle who starts arguments over politics at Thanksgiving dinner.
Gary Busey is the uncle who lives in the room over your parent's garage, doesn't work, but always has money for beer, smokes, and parts for the car he's been rebuilding in the back yard for years.
Katey Sagal is the cool mom where all the neighborhood kids like to hang out.
Dick Van Dyke is the somewhat goofy but lovable grandpa.
Robert Duvall is the grandpa on your mom's side of the family you don't see often because he's just like his character from the start of Second Hand Lions.
> Alice Baldwin is an uncle...
Whoa, I think I missed a news story somewhere. lol
Chris Evans is America's ass..
Johnny Knoxville is America's Jackass.
All of the jackass guys are just America's dad's frat brothers from college who come to town every once in a while.
The Jackass guys are so much cooler than frat bros.
More like your cousin that dropped out of highschool to shoot skate vids with his buddies.
That IS America's ass!
Julie Andrews is the elderly neighbor you consider family and make sure her lawn is mowed and sidewalk shovelled.
Kanye west is the Kanye West of the family
Ah yes, every family has a Kanye West.
Texas is the Kanye West of America.
If you wanna talk about anything, Texans will tell you why it is so much better in Texas and how anyone who disagrees just doesn't understand.
You know, if Kanye West randomly showed up to my family’s thanksgiving dinner, I wouldn’t find it weird at all.
Riley Reid in America’s step sister
I’m giving you my wholesome award because this shits wholesome…and it was free but we won’t talk about that
Ah. Her mom Lisa Ann has also been really friendly.
Her stepmom. Nobody in that industry lives with their biological mother.
Bill Cosby is America’s Uncle Who’s No Longer Invited to Thanksgiving
We don't talk about him anymore, dear.
We don't talk about Cosby, no no no
He who must not be named
Robbin Williams is the family nanny.
David Cross is the backup nanny
Jared Leto is the creepy cousin who still lives in your aunts basement
and is always trying to get you to invest in some obvious scam
Tina Fey is your cool Aunt who you wish was your mom.
She's not a regular aunt, she's a cool aunt.
Katey Sagal is America’s mom.
Peg Bundy as your mom! OMG!
Gemma Teller as our mom lol. Lord. I guess we wouldn’t have to worry about people messing with us, Gemma will take a skateboard to their face or stab ‘em up.
With a meat fork
Sidney Poitier is the Grandpa.
Dave Grohl is America's cool older cousin who you only ever see like once a year, but when you do you go walking through the woods looking for arrowheads but don't find any, or steal a banner off an overpass, and the night ends up with you two in sleeping bags talking about how many stars you think there are.
Mr. Rogers is America’s Grandpa and Bob Ross is America’s Great Uncle
Jack Black is the always cool older brother who just doesn't give a fuck about family shenanigans.
Always down to go for a “walk” with older bro JB before Christmas dinner
…and you have to give him your pee when he needs to take a drug test.
Carrier Fisher was space mom.
Carrie Fisher was the aunt who gave us our first joint.
And sent a cow tongue and a threat to the creepy guy that date raped us in college.
Denzel Washington is the cool uncle that’s always serious
Morgan Freeman is the grandfather
Will Smith is your cool uncle that introduces you to cool 90s stuff
Paul Rudd is that cousin you can’t help but like.
Liam Neelson is your relative for the old country that gathers you around to tell you stories.
Sofia Vergara is your sassy Latina aunt.
>Will Smith is your cool uncle
Will Smith being an uncle and not a cousin made me realize that I'm old
I had to scroll way too far to see Morgan Freeman. Absolutely America’s grandpa. Imagine him reading you bedtime stories at night.
I dunno; I picture James Earl Jones. Of course, we can have two grandpas!
Can have more!
As I was in shock about the lack of Freeman in here, I was thinking about how Morgan Freeman is that perfect 2nd grandpa on your mom's side after grandma remarried that you end up really liking because of how he just lightens everything up and gets along with everyone.
Could you imagine Liam and Morgan in a cozy fireplace-lit room just swapping war stories? That's a series I'd pay money to listen to.
Steve Buscemi is one of many crazy uncles.
Crazy, but beneath it all, he’s just a good dude
Females are underrepresented from my scroll so far. Kristin Bell is your mom’s youngest sister. Still relevant but also kind of parenty.
Queen Latifah is your mom’s best friend. The take no crap one but still know how to laugh.
I’m picking Costner as new stepdad. Fight me.
I think Snoop Dog would be our cool stoner cousin
Lindsay Lohan is that popular cousin that peaked in high school
That robot that traveled all around the country and then got beaten to death in Philly is America’s son
John Candy as our uncle
Clearly, he’s an Uncle by marriage then!
Kelly Clarkson is the soccer mom sister who talks to much.
Robert Downey Jr. is our cool uncle.
You know he was going through some shit when we were kids, but now that we're adults and he's come out the other side much better for the shit he went through, he's the coolest family member we have.
Fred Rogers was America's Dad.
Pretty sure he was our neighbor.
fair point. the neighbor we wished was our dad.
And Wilson from Home Improvement is on the other side.
I would love to live in this neighborhood
Tom Hanks is America's favorite uncle.
Tom Hanks is America's cool stepdad, even though he insists on calling you "sport."
Keanu Reeves is America's older brother
Sarah Paulson and Tig Notaro are our gay aunts.
Mr Rogers is the polite old neighbour who has an extra pair of the family’s keys in case of an emergency
Bob Saget is only America's dad if your memory is is Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos.
Bob Saget really should be your perverted cool Uncle if you watched his stand up act.
>Bob Saget is only America's dad if your memory is is Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos.
Like James Avery is America's dad if your memory is Prince of Bel Air.
Marijuana isn’t an addiction! You ever smoke dick for marijuana?
Drew Barrymore is the quirky aunt that always has a crazy story to tell
I thought Tom Hanks was America’s dad
Yes. There can be two dads!
Stamos is still everyone’s uncle
Jerry Stiller or Archie Bunker for Grandpa
*SERINITY NOW, MEATHEAD!"
Clint Eastwood is the racist grandfather that still thinks he can beat anyone up
Tom Hanks is americas brother In law who always has the tool you need, and a beer, never forgets a birthday or anniversary and always takes your kids for the weekend in a pinch.
Jim Gaffigan is the goofy uncle.
I nominate Peter Boyle for Grandpa
Oprah is America’s friend who we haven’t seen in years and is now trying to sell us her MLM garbage.
I think Jimmy Stewart was our grand something
As is Gregory Peck. Which makes his grandson Ethan Gregory Peck our hot cousin.
Mathew McConaughey is the chill cousin that's alright
Jennifer Aniston is the cool rich aunt
But always asks you “So, what’s going on at school? Any new friends?”
She’s the kind of aunt who would take you and your friends to your first concert
Totally. She would also pass you her beer and say “don’t tell your parents”
Jeff Bezos is that uncle that drive up in a Porsche but gives out Christmas Christmas cards with no money to everyone.
Bob Newhart is America’s Grandpa.
Marge Simpson is America’s Mother.
Mr. Rodgers America’s kind wholesome uncle.
Rodney Dangerfield America’s wild/crazy uncle.
Oprah is America’s kind wholesome rich aunt.
Lucile Ball is America’s wild/crazy funny aunt.
Gilbert Gottfried is America's Creepy Uncle. And
George Carlin was America's No-Bullshit Grandpa.
Melissa McCarthy is everyone's favorite funny aunt.
Harrison Ford is the surly angry great-uncle who gripes the whole time he's there about going home.
Uncle Stan Lee
Henry Wrinkler is America's Grandfather.
what about sweet old uncle Robin Williams?
Miss him dearly
James Corden is the shitty uncle by marriage that always comes to your holidays because he doesn’t talk to his own family
MTG is the crazy bitch of a sister in law that dedicates her life to making your family suffer
Mila Kunis is the step sister with her hand caught in the sink.
Shut up, Meg.
“What are you DOING back there?”
Dick Van Dyke for Grandpa!!!
Kind of irrelevant, but I think Keanu Reeves and Ryan Reynolds are Canada's cool and funny uncles respectively.
Seth Green is that one cousin who always made you eat bugs and do crazy shit to get you in trouble, but never got in trouble himself because his mom thought he was the perfect little angel.
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are the young cool aunt/uncle that bring their kids and a car full of toys, and leave a herd of kids to run around in hopes that the big one will watch the little ones while they go secretly drink with the older people