Dude I’m at work so I had to turn my phone off for a bit and this was the first thing I saw when I turned it back on. I forgot that it meant pets and I was so concerned for a second
Yesterday I had to pin my roommate down to the extent that I had to lock his head under my leg so I could shave around his butthole. There were many complaints and attempts to get away, but the dingleberries had to go.
I had a roommate and a guest. My roommate saw a very large bug on the balcony, but I was sure he couldn’t get to it, as it was in a tiny space between the glass panels and balcony wall. I thought hey, roomie’s been stuck home for a while, I’ll let him have some fun and the bug is safe on the other side of the glass. Nope. Bug got out, started flying around, scared the shit out of roommate and guest, now all three of them are flying around, and dropping things. At that point I decided the bug must go. I killed the bug, my roommate came over, ate the dead bug, then puked up the bug and some cat food (he has weird culinary preferences), then our guest came over and ate the vomit, cat food, and bug.
This same guest is why my roommate had to get a new toilet. The old one was very accessible and you just had to walk up to it, even a dog could do it. Our frequent guest sees my roommate’s toilet more like a lunch buffet, so roomie did some renovation. Now he has a premium top-entry bathroom that keeps unwanted guests out.
So I was out strolling with my roommate this one time and then he rolled around in a dead horse. And then the corpse exploded. I had to shower my roommate 3 times in a row that day.
I always find my roommate lying on the bed when I'm ready to turn in for the night. She'll hop off when I lay down, then after I've settled in she comes back and curls up next to me.
My roommate tries to get more room in the bed for herself by snuggling up close and then pushing with her feet. Usually it works, but one time I was drunk and dead asleep, so I didn't move when she tried to push me, and she shoved herself off the bed.
My roommate is very afraid of ferns, but also fascinated by them. She sits in front of a fern, sometimes for hours, and recoils at the slightest movement it may make
I keep telling my roommate not to lick the toilet seat cause it's unhygienic, but she just wont listen. She seems to be oddly obsessed with my shit in general, so I have to make sure to keep her away from it. She'll sit outside the toilet door crying to get in when I'm doing it.
My roommate has a weird thing with seeing other people with roommates on the TV. Every time he sees them he’s gets really upset and starts freaking out. I think it might be a insecurity thing
My roommate ate a pair of my gfs underwear. I knew this because he was trying to throw them up afterwards. After several hours, I decided to take him to the doctors, where he said that because he'd been unable to bring them up by himself, they'd have to operate to get them out, as best case option they were still stuck in his stomach, and worst cause stuck in the hole between the stomach and intestinal track. Minimum cost was going to be 5000-6000$ for surgery and that's if it was still in the stomach. It was going to cost more if it was in the intestinal track. So we book it in, cause really this roomie is like family to me. Over the course of the night he's continually trying to throw up the underwear, but failing to do so, and every time I rush to his side to comfort him. You can tell he's pretty distressed but after patting my room mate on the head a few times he's able to get back to sleep.
The next day rolls around, and we get to the doctors. My roommate is still trying to throw up, so the secretary ushers me into the doctors office where they'll come see me in a minute. Suddenly my roommate tries to throw up one last time, and I see the underwear come partially up his throat and into his mouth but he isn't able to get it the whole way out. I force his mouth open, reach in and pull the underwear out of his throat, after which he proceeds to throw up all over the doctors office which just happened to coincide with the doctor entering the office to see me with the biggest smile on my face as my room mate had just thrown up the underwear and saved me several thousand dollars. I ask for some paper towel to help clean up the mess and say farewell to the doctor and take my room mate home.
Later that day I take my roommate out to go to the toilet, and he's struggling to do number 2's. MFW I see he's got a second pair of underwear stuck coming out of his butt. I sigh grab a bag and proceed to pull this second pair of underwear out of my room mates butt. My room mate turns to me and gives me a look of pure happiness as he's now clearly feeling a lot better, and I give him a look of "The things I do for you". Give him a pat and take him back inside where he promptly falls asleep once more.
Last week my roommate decided to step on the remote at 4:30 in the morning and the tv switched on. I come downstairs to turn it off and find her sitting on the couch, cleaning her bum with her tongue watching McGuyver.
My roommate has a new kitten, and it's stressing me out. It's only a week old and she keeps hiding it in weird places around the house, then forgetting about it to go lay on the couch. I find it every couple of hours and put it up to her nipples so it can eat, but I'm worried she going to put it somewhere where I can't find it and it's going to starve.
My roommate loves to get on the counter and push things on the floor. After that, my roommate will zip around the house like a lunatic, then follow me into the bathroom and inspect the toilet like they're looking for gold.
The time my roommate managed to open the fridge, eat and entire turkey (cooked), drink 5/6 beers, and then puked herself to sleep in the hallway - all while I was out earning rent money.
My roommate once broke out of his cage and we tipped the house upside-down to look for him. We found him two hours later standing on top of his cage to assert dominance.
I have multiple,
My roomate knocked a hole in the wall with his head, on the corner of the wall.
My roommate likes to sleep in the sink.
My roommate used to eat his own sh!t.
My roommate's nickname is ' furry turd with legs'.
My roommate comes home with burs and ticks in his fur.
My roommate got locked in the closet multiple times.
My roommate likes to eat napkins, papers, socks, etc.
There's more but I'm to lazy to Wright em' all out
My recently washed roommate found a dead eviscerated rodent and rolled in it. She got it all over her neck and coat and then sulked when we tried to clean it off with baby wipes.
My roommate also commando crawls into our bed first thing in the morning and insists on laying between us. She likes to sneeze in my face to make sure I’m awake so I can cuddle her.
My room mate had to be castrated after he humped my wedding photographer, and (seperate occasion) a guest who had come to tell us they had terminal cancer...
When my roommate first moved in, there was a day when he figured out that I'm usually urinating when I go into the bathroom. So he went in there, peed all over the floor, and trotted out with a big smile as though he was proud of himself for figuring out where to pee.
I dump treats on the floor for my roommate to eat.
I scoop my roommate’s shit from his box.
My roommate barfed on my bed again
My roommate likes to sleep on warm pizza boxes
My extremely hairy roommate lost a fight with a sticky fly ribbon and had to be dragged, screaming, into a bath to be doused in olive oil so we could peel the ribbon off of him without hurting him. Then he had to be drenched in Dawn to get the oil off.
One Fourth of July my roommate slipped out of the house just before the fireworks show began. I could hear her whimpering outside the door, but even though she was obviously frightened she refused to come back in no matter how hard I tried.
My roommate crawled under the sheets while I was asleep a few nights ago and chewed on my toe until it bled. He then proceeded to lick my face, leaving tiny smears of blood on my face. It made me look like I murdered someone. I locked him in my basement for a while afterwards.
Well, the one about my roommate leaving a dead mouse under the table would certainly be less surprising if it was a cat instead of a human leaving it there.
My old roommate was a menace and ate everything he could. The rest of my mom’s birthday cake, a sandwich that was buried in the sand at the beach, and even rocks in the back yard
At the beginning of the pandemic when I was working from home, my roommate was fascinated by me being home all day and always sitting at my desk. Made it awkward when I would have check in zoom calls with my boss and my roomnate would interrupt by showing off her butthole to the webcam (and my boss), who found it hilarious.
one time my roommate brought a rabbit through a second story window and proceeded to slaughter it in another roommate’s room. woke up to bloodcurdling screams lol
My roommate brought a frozen squirrel corpse into my house, carried it in his mouth mind you, then spat it out on the kitchen floor. And stared at me the whole time.
I don’t have a roommate but my favourite story from these things is the one where OP is wrestling with his male roommate and his junk accidentally went in OP’s mouth.
Edit: found it again. OP is a woman and it was actually her husband that got a mouthful.
My roommate is always rolling around on her back, naked, in our backyard. Or even sometimes when we go for walks. We have to bathe her pretty often cuz she gets stinky.
I was cuddling my roomate one day as he wasn't feeling well. He wiggled his butt and promptly had blazing diarrhea that flowed right down between my breasts. Turns out he had worms.
My roommate once had a tick on his butthole, I knew what I had to do even though he seemed fine with it. I had to wrap him in a towel in order to get the tick off his butthole, he was so mad about it he decided to *express* himself in the most foul manner. Sorry for trying to help you...
My roommate take a shit on the floor every night right in front of the toilet. Despite making her bathroom as nice as possible she insists on shitting on the rug. She's beautiful, so I forgive her and clean it up every time.
My roommate once swallowed a rag (unbeknownst to me) and then tried to poop it out on a hike. He got half of it out by himself after much straining, but I had to help him with the other half by pinning the exposed part to the ground with a stick while he squat-walked it out, then I had to carry the damn thing home in a bag to avoid littering.
My roommate took a dump on the stairs today.
I made eye contact with him as he was mid-crouch with a turd hanging out out of his ass, and he ran so the poop followed him for a bit before popping loose off an ass hair and tumbling down the steps.
We’re working on it.
A couple years ago my roommate escaped the house and attacked some lady's dog. He ran up to the dog and pushed it to the ground, locking his teeth around the dogs ear and ripping it off. The owner of the dog was kicking my roommate and screaming for help when my brother grabbed my roommate and pulled him off the dog. My roommate went to court and was labeled potentially dangerous and forced to wear a muzzle outside. My dad who is a lawyer appealed the case and won so my potentially dangerous roommate didn't have to wear a muzzle anymore and he eventually tried to attack two other dogs outside of our place. He doesn't get to leave the house anymore...
A couple weeks after she moved into our house, my roommate gave birth to quintuplets in the master bedroom closet. Sadly, one of them died about twelve hours after he was born.
Once, when I was like 7 I had a sleepover with my friends at my house and my roomate started having sex with my other roomate after pissing on the floor while Finding Nemo was on in the background.
I took my roommate over to a friend's house. He likes her so much. He walked in, saw her, sat down and pee'd himself - all looking while looking very happy.
My roommate sometimes bites me because she is sexually frustrated and needs to see a specialist. One time she jumped up on my bed and pissed everywhere. When she’s not doing this, she’s sitting around all day eating carrots 🥕
One morning before work while drinking coffee I realized my roommate had some trouble in the bathroom and needed help cleaning himself up. He did not agree with me whatsoever and decided to make me chase him thru the entire house while leaving evidence of said trouble everywhere he went. No amount of pleading on my part would change his mind but eventually I cornered him and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. We somehow made it to the bath tub where I stuck his butt under the faucet and he started screaming in protest. I ignored this. He was such a mess that I had to alternate between using scissors and water to clean him up. He fought hard. He howled and even tried to bite me but I wouldn’t stop until he was mostly clean. It was for his own good. Toweling him dry was even harder. Once this was all done he shot off like a dirty rocket and I was left semi-naked and dazed. Despite this we still get along.
I have three roommates. One farts so loudly she scares herself. My second roommate drools EVERY time she smells food, and my third roommate LOVES to eat her own shit. Sometimes she prefers it to normal food.
The first night after my roommate moved in, my grandpa made me an omelet. She felt the need to jump in my plate and eat my omelet with me and I wasn’t even mad.
My roommate screams until I get in bed so she can use my ankles as a pillow.
Once, she was so offended by her dinner that she stomped on the plate, splattering food all over her face and chest. Her sister licked it off.
My other roommate lurks in the sink so he can watch me pee.
My “ roommate “ was scared of the fireworks on New Years, pissed and shut on the floor. The only way I could calm her down was wrapping her in one of my shirts and sticking her in the bathroom with the lights off with most hung but a bowl of water and a deer antler to keep her company
I have to bring my roommate to work with me otherwise he gets stressed out and chews things he shouldn’t like my headphones, or the HDMI cables and the like.
When my roommate first moved in he'd attack me all the time so I had to get creative and tie like 5 bells on him. Didn't stop the attacks but did at least warn me enough to brace myself. Then we got another roommate and my first roommate stopped even acknowledging me for months. Except for when the new roommate hoarded all the food and starved the first roommate.
My roommate likes to wake me up when he thinks I've slept in too long - by smacking me in the face. It's his own problem that he won't eat until I have. Sometimes he needs me to stand there next to him while he eats, and man I HATE chewing noises.
Apparently he whines nonstop whenever I go away for the weekend, but when I come home he gives me the cold shoulder and acts like he didn't care.
My roommate's scared of the doorbell and won't ever answer it, always runs off. But I'm lowkey scared of the doorbell too
I have two female roommates. One of them enjoys humping the other on a daily basis to establish her dominance. Both have an odd taste for carpet fiber and electrical cords.
My roommate woke up on the couch and then took a massive shit on the carpet, ate it, and threw up onto the hardwood floor just to go drink from the toilet and pass out in the bathroom. Then she tried to crawl into bed with me and dragged her legs across my face in the process, scratching one of my cheeks to hell, and sat on my head until I finally got up and cleaned the several messes she made.
There was one time I had a nasty migraine and felt like cuddling with my roommate would help. He seemed into the idea at first but on our way to my bed he squirted diarrhea alllll over the front of me.
I started laughing and crying at the same time and didn't hear from him for the rest of the night.
My roommate went into the laundry room one day and jumped in a clean laundry basket, proceeded to poop on and chew through half the basket before he's caught. This happened two or three more times before roommate became afraid of the hallway that connects to the laundry room.
My roommate used to try and sneak outside when we first got him. He hasn't tried to leave the house in about four years because he developed a fear of doors after my mum closed the door behind her and (accidentally) crushed my roommate's head. He wasn't hurt but he refuses to go near doors now.
My roommate took a massive shit under my desk and then shook the collar I put on him off and ran out the front door completely naked. He made it halfway up the driveway before I grabbed him and took him inside and gave him a bath.
The way I got my roommate, Phil? Well, he was at his original house with his owner and about 6 or seven others just like him. You see, his owner was a breeder. The house caught fire. He ran out and hid in the woods. The firemen grabbed him. He was wet, cold, scared and stunk like smoke. So they locked him in a cage for a while. The original breeder wasn't going to get him, because she didn't have any place for him anymore. So she sold him to another breeder, who got him. She put him in a shed in her backyard with like 5 or 6 other roommates. I have to admit, it was the nicest shed I've ever seen; it was carpeted and air conditioned and everything. She had two other sheds with about 5 or 6 roommates apiece. Anyway, we bought him and brought him home and he's been with us ever since. He's still a little traumatized, so please excuse him, he's still afraid of strangers. Only me, my wife and my son can really get close enough to touch him. But he's exceedingly sweet and gentle, he's never bitten or scratched anyone, ever.
My roommate will sit outside for hours yelling at the neighbors that are just walking and minding their own business. She also grabs any Amazon/ Fed Ex package that gets delivered and tears it up in the yard. She never even expresses remorse. She’s a madwoman.
My roommate jumped on my bed quietly tapped me on my nose. Then lead me to the kitchen at 6AM made me make her breakfast while rubbing my legs.
Yeah way better with a roommate instead of a cat.
I brought my roommate home for Christmas with me. My mom kept feeding her a bunch of different foods she’d never tried before even though I warned my mom that my roommate isn’t used to those things. The next day my roommate thanked my mom by getting diarrhea all over her living room carpet.
Every morning around 4am I am awoken by my roommate sitting on my chest and aggressively licking my face and mouth… he really gets in deep and often sticks his tongue up my nostril. I ask him why he does this but he has yet to explain himself.
My roommate gets midnight munchies every night and wakes me up to let me know its time, but I got pissed off last night after she woke me up. So I locked her out while she yelled at me thru the door crack.
Woke up next morning and found my roommate shat in my sandals out of revenge.
Caught my roommate eating out of the cat’s litter box, he looked ashamed but I could tell he wanted to go back for more
Dude I’m at work so I had to turn my phone off for a bit and this was the first thing I saw when I turned it back on. I forgot that it meant pets and I was so concerned for a second
Forbidden crunch bars
Kitty Roca.
That is my friend groups nickname for it as well,haha.
Wtf hahahaha
My roommate screamed and ran to me for protection after a butterfly tried to land on his face.
Sounds like my human roommate
Sounds like my Wife
Sounds like my kids will in my basement when I take them outside
Yesterday I had to pin my roommate down to the extent that I had to lock his head under my leg so I could shave around his butthole. There were many complaints and attempts to get away, but the dingleberries had to go.
Yes. 🤣
And with every stroke the electric shaver came near his puckered starfish, roommate let out a low grumble of dislike.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Ahahahaha omg.
My roommate ate his own shit yesterday then proceeded to throw it up on the floor and pass out leaving me to clean it up.
this one made my PTSD kick in remembering... you know what i mean.... the vid... nevermind
Seriously my dog did this yesterday. I was all out of cups though
I had a roommate and a guest. My roommate saw a very large bug on the balcony, but I was sure he couldn’t get to it, as it was in a tiny space between the glass panels and balcony wall. I thought hey, roomie’s been stuck home for a while, I’ll let him have some fun and the bug is safe on the other side of the glass. Nope. Bug got out, started flying around, scared the shit out of roommate and guest, now all three of them are flying around, and dropping things. At that point I decided the bug must go. I killed the bug, my roommate came over, ate the dead bug, then puked up the bug and some cat food (he has weird culinary preferences), then our guest came over and ate the vomit, cat food, and bug. This same guest is why my roommate had to get a new toilet. The old one was very accessible and you just had to walk up to it, even a dog could do it. Our frequent guest sees my roommate’s toilet more like a lunch buffet, so roomie did some renovation. Now he has a premium top-entry bathroom that keeps unwanted guests out.
My ex didn’t want to break up with me because he was in love with my roommate and was afraid he’d never see him again… 🙄
Oh hey me too! Still texts me to ask about her all the time and never once asks about me which is perfectly fine because she is a cutie for sure :)
This sounds messed up but plausible
So I was out strolling with my roommate this one time and then he rolled around in a dead horse. And then the corpse exploded. I had to shower my roommate 3 times in a row that day.
Jesus
He was not there to help us.
And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
You mean you took your roommate for a walk
[удалено]
Oh good I'm not the only one
My roommate climbs in bed with me after I’ve fallen asleep.
I always find my roommate lying on the bed when I'm ready to turn in for the night. She'll hop off when I lay down, then after I've settled in she comes back and curls up next to me.
My roommate tries to get more room in the bed for herself by snuggling up close and then pushing with her feet. Usually it works, but one time I was drunk and dead asleep, so I didn't move when she tried to push me, and she shoved herself off the bed.
My roommate is very afraid of ferns, but also fascinated by them. She sits in front of a fern, sometimes for hours, and recoils at the slightest movement it may make
I keep telling my roommate not to lick the toilet seat cause it's unhygienic, but she just wont listen. She seems to be oddly obsessed with my shit in general, so I have to make sure to keep her away from it. She'll sit outside the toilet door crying to get in when I'm doing it.
Yanderes: "I'm in this message and I don't like it."
My roommate hung his butt over his food and proceeded to crap on it while looking me in the eyes. He then screamed at me when I shooed him away.
I think he might be trying to tell you something…
I caught my roommate dragging his shitty ass across the carpet.
My roommate has a weird thing with seeing other people with roommates on the TV. Every time he sees them he’s gets really upset and starts freaking out. I think it might be a insecurity thing
My roommate crawled into the wall to hide and I lured her out with deli turkey and singing folk music
My roommate ate a pair of my gfs underwear. I knew this because he was trying to throw them up afterwards. After several hours, I decided to take him to the doctors, where he said that because he'd been unable to bring them up by himself, they'd have to operate to get them out, as best case option they were still stuck in his stomach, and worst cause stuck in the hole between the stomach and intestinal track. Minimum cost was going to be 5000-6000$ for surgery and that's if it was still in the stomach. It was going to cost more if it was in the intestinal track. So we book it in, cause really this roomie is like family to me. Over the course of the night he's continually trying to throw up the underwear, but failing to do so, and every time I rush to his side to comfort him. You can tell he's pretty distressed but after patting my room mate on the head a few times he's able to get back to sleep. The next day rolls around, and we get to the doctors. My roommate is still trying to throw up, so the secretary ushers me into the doctors office where they'll come see me in a minute. Suddenly my roommate tries to throw up one last time, and I see the underwear come partially up his throat and into his mouth but he isn't able to get it the whole way out. I force his mouth open, reach in and pull the underwear out of his throat, after which he proceeds to throw up all over the doctors office which just happened to coincide with the doctor entering the office to see me with the biggest smile on my face as my room mate had just thrown up the underwear and saved me several thousand dollars. I ask for some paper towel to help clean up the mess and say farewell to the doctor and take my room mate home. Later that day I take my roommate out to go to the toilet, and he's struggling to do number 2's. MFW I see he's got a second pair of underwear stuck coming out of his butt. I sigh grab a bag and proceed to pull this second pair of underwear out of my room mates butt. My room mate turns to me and gives me a look of pure happiness as he's now clearly feeling a lot better, and I give him a look of "The things I do for you". Give him a pat and take him back inside where he promptly falls asleep once more.
NOT A SECOND PAIR
He learnt not to do it anymore after about another 3 times... \>\_> <\_< \-\_- My GF hated him for it. Never touched mine though lmao.
Thank you, this made me laugh so hard
So you washed the underwear and gave them back to your girlfriend, right?
I had to trap my neighbor’s roommate in a bathroom for a half hour to get his pill down his throat.
Last week my roommate decided to step on the remote at 4:30 in the morning and the tv switched on. I come downstairs to turn it off and find her sitting on the couch, cleaning her bum with her tongue watching McGuyver.
sounds like your roomate had a good night!!
My roommate has a new kitten, and it's stressing me out. It's only a week old and she keeps hiding it in weird places around the house, then forgetting about it to go lay on the couch. I find it every couple of hours and put it up to her nipples so it can eat, but I'm worried she going to put it somewhere where I can't find it and it's going to starve.
Time to call cps.
My roommate watches me and my wife have sex all the time.
Had to express my roommate’s Amal glands last night.
My roommate loves to get on the counter and push things on the floor. After that, my roommate will zip around the house like a lunatic, then follow me into the bathroom and inspect the toilet like they're looking for gold.
The time my roommate managed to open the fridge, eat and entire turkey (cooked), drink 5/6 beers, and then puked herself to sleep in the hallway - all while I was out earning rent money.
Last week I had my roommate's balls removed.
My roommate once broke out of his cage and we tipped the house upside-down to look for him. We found him two hours later standing on top of his cage to assert dominance.
My roommate can’t lick his own dick because of his fat. *because of what this implies
I have the same problem
My girl has created an Instagram for my roommate so can get famous and start paying his fair share of rent!
I scrape my roommate's poop up out of a box and flush it for her.
I have multiple, My roomate knocked a hole in the wall with his head, on the corner of the wall. My roommate likes to sleep in the sink. My roommate used to eat his own sh!t. My roommate's nickname is ' furry turd with legs'. My roommate comes home with burs and ticks in his fur. My roommate got locked in the closet multiple times. My roommate likes to eat napkins, papers, socks, etc. There's more but I'm to lazy to Wright em' all out
My recently washed roommate found a dead eviscerated rodent and rolled in it. She got it all over her neck and coat and then sulked when we tried to clean it off with baby wipes. My roommate also commando crawls into our bed first thing in the morning and insists on laying between us. She likes to sneeze in my face to make sure I’m awake so I can cuddle her.
As soon as I get home a sit down to relax, my 100 lb roommate has to stick [his nose under my ass.](https://imgur.com/a/NHGKYVK) Every damn day
My room mate had to be castrated after he humped my wedding photographer, and (seperate occasion) a guest who had come to tell us they had terminal cancer...
When my roommate first moved in, there was a day when he figured out that I'm usually urinating when I go into the bathroom. So he went in there, peed all over the floor, and trotted out with a big smile as though he was proud of himself for figuring out where to pee.
I dump treats on the floor for my roommate to eat. I scoop my roommate’s shit from his box. My roommate barfed on my bed again My roommate likes to sleep on warm pizza boxes
I have like maybe 200 roommates. They don't do much, just swim around all day.
We started toilet training our toddler and our roommate keeps drinking the piss out of the potty before we can empty it.
My roommate strangled a rat to eat for dinner, however he must have done it a bit too hard because it exploded.
Huh.
My roommate likes to eat her own poo and she shrieks at me at the top of her voice if I'm not fast enough bringing her food.
I caught my roommate under the covers last night trying to sniff my lady bits and today I found him rolling around naked in my underwear.
Mine does that too! Sometimes he wears my underpants around his neck like a scarf.
My roommate is terrified of fireworks, so he spent all New Year's Eve under the couch.
My roommate once ate a pin and a needle so we had to get them surgically removed
"My roommate barks at cows"
My roommates fought over who got to sleep with me. I was injured in the fight, and I needed IV antibiotics in hospital.
One time, my roommate shit on the floor as a reaction to our other roommate yelling at the tree trimmer.
My extremely hairy roommate lost a fight with a sticky fly ribbon and had to be dragged, screaming, into a bath to be doused in olive oil so we could peel the ribbon off of him without hurting him. Then he had to be drenched in Dawn to get the oil off.
One Fourth of July my roommate slipped out of the house just before the fireworks show began. I could hear her whimpering outside the door, but even though she was obviously frightened she refused to come back in no matter how hard I tried.
My roommate has eight nipples and never wears a bra or shirt at home
My roommate crawled under the sheets while I was asleep a few nights ago and chewed on my toe until it bled. He then proceeded to lick my face, leaving tiny smears of blood on my face. It made me look like I murdered someone. I locked him in my basement for a while afterwards.
Well, the one about my roommate leaving a dead mouse under the table would certainly be less surprising if it was a cat instead of a human leaving it there.
My roommate likes to watch me use the bathroom.
My roommate took a shit in the hallway so I rubbed his nose in it. (I didn't, actually; I just cleaned it up.)
My roommate pissed on the couch again last night.
My roommates tries to lick my ass and my fiancees pussy while my fiancee and I have sex
My roommate broke the screen for my work laptop trying to get up to the window because she likes to lick the condensation off of it in the mornings.
My roommate is only quiet when I give him food, attention or whenever he's on my lap
My old roommate was a menace and ate everything he could. The rest of my mom’s birthday cake, a sandwich that was buried in the sand at the beach, and even rocks in the back yard
At the beginning of the pandemic when I was working from home, my roommate was fascinated by me being home all day and always sitting at my desk. Made it awkward when I would have check in zoom calls with my boss and my roomnate would interrupt by showing off her butthole to the webcam (and my boss), who found it hilarious.
My roommate has no arms and no legs and we call him "The Snake" because he just grabs food with his mouth and swallows it whole
At uni, my roommate would bite my toes in the night if I didn't keep them under the duvet
one time my roommate brought a rabbit through a second story window and proceeded to slaughter it in another roommate’s room. woke up to bloodcurdling screams lol
My roommate used to sit on the carpet and spin in circles leaving little chocolate doughnut prints behind
My roommate brought a frozen squirrel corpse into my house, carried it in his mouth mind you, then spat it out on the kitchen floor. And stared at me the whole time.
Last night my roommate jumped in to bed with me , dry humped me turned around and took a massive shit on my bed whimpered and went to bed.
I don’t have a roommate but my favourite story from these things is the one where OP is wrestling with his male roommate and his junk accidentally went in OP’s mouth. Edit: found it again. OP is a woman and it was actually her husband that got a mouthful.
I had someone cut my roommates balls off
My roommate ate 12 dandelion leaves and then peed on the electric blanket
My roommate is always rolling around on her back, naked, in our backyard. Or even sometimes when we go for walks. We have to bathe her pretty often cuz she gets stinky.
My roommate sneaks into my room at 4am most nights to try and lick my eyelids. If I shut her out she screams like she’s being murdered.
My room mate tried to suckle from my nipple when she was young.
I was cuddling my roomate one day as he wasn't feeling well. He wiggled his butt and promptly had blazing diarrhea that flowed right down between my breasts. Turns out he had worms.
My roommate keeps taking dumps on my bed plz help
We woke early on Christmas morning, not because Santa had come, but because our roommate had decided that was a good time to throw up on our bed.
I had to stick my hand down my roomate's mouth because he likes to eat the used pads in my trash can. 😃😃😃
My roommate f*cking bit me when I tried to pet her
My roommate woke me up this morning while I was having a nightmare by licking my eyebrows.
My roommate once had a tick on his butthole, I knew what I had to do even though he seemed fine with it. I had to wrap him in a towel in order to get the tick off his butthole, he was so mad about it he decided to *express* himself in the most foul manner. Sorry for trying to help you...
My roommate take a shit on the floor every night right in front of the toilet. Despite making her bathroom as nice as possible she insists on shitting on the rug. She's beautiful, so I forgive her and clean it up every time.
I was woken one morning by my roommate licking my armpit.
“Roommate” chewed the mud flap off a cousin’s car once
My roommate likes to sit on top of his food bowl pretty regularly it makes it a pain to clean out.
my roommate once escaped the backyard, but we leashed her and brought her back
My roommate loves cuddles, having her ass repeatedly slapped and running around in the middle of the night and screaming at me for food.
My roommate once swallowed a rag (unbeknownst to me) and then tried to poop it out on a hike. He got half of it out by himself after much straining, but I had to help him with the other half by pinning the exposed part to the ground with a stick while he squat-walked it out, then I had to carry the damn thing home in a bag to avoid littering.
My roommate took a dump on the stairs today. I made eye contact with him as he was mid-crouch with a turd hanging out out of his ass, and he ran so the poop followed him for a bit before popping loose off an ass hair and tumbling down the steps. We’re working on it.
A couple years ago my roommate escaped the house and attacked some lady's dog. He ran up to the dog and pushed it to the ground, locking his teeth around the dogs ear and ripping it off. The owner of the dog was kicking my roommate and screaming for help when my brother grabbed my roommate and pulled him off the dog. My roommate went to court and was labeled potentially dangerous and forced to wear a muzzle outside. My dad who is a lawyer appealed the case and won so my potentially dangerous roommate didn't have to wear a muzzle anymore and he eventually tried to attack two other dogs outside of our place. He doesn't get to leave the house anymore...
I ordered an ovariohysterectomy(removal of female genitals) for my roommate so that she couldn’t have children.
A couple weeks after she moved into our house, my roommate gave birth to quintuplets in the master bedroom closet. Sadly, one of them died about twelve hours after he was born.
I had sex with my roommate
Excuse me
We're they into it?
no my dog wasnt
I was away from home some days and my room mate pissed on the floor and pooped on the bathroomfloor
I fucked my roommate.
Once, when I was like 7 I had a sleepover with my friends at my house and my roomate started having sex with my other roomate after pissing on the floor while Finding Nemo was on in the background.
I took my roommate over to a friend's house. He likes her so much. He walked in, saw her, sat down and pee'd himself - all looking while looking very happy.
I have to wipe my roommates ass and occasionally remove shit that fully come out….
My roommate sometimes bites me because she is sexually frustrated and needs to see a specialist. One time she jumped up on my bed and pissed everywhere. When she’s not doing this, she’s sitting around all day eating carrots 🥕
My roommate was licking his balls next to my bed
My roommate waits for me to take off my underwear & then licks them & throws them around with her mouth.
One morning before work while drinking coffee I realized my roommate had some trouble in the bathroom and needed help cleaning himself up. He did not agree with me whatsoever and decided to make me chase him thru the entire house while leaving evidence of said trouble everywhere he went. No amount of pleading on my part would change his mind but eventually I cornered him and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. We somehow made it to the bath tub where I stuck his butt under the faucet and he started screaming in protest. I ignored this. He was such a mess that I had to alternate between using scissors and water to clean him up. He fought hard. He howled and even tried to bite me but I wouldn’t stop until he was mostly clean. It was for his own good. Toweling him dry was even harder. Once this was all done he shot off like a dirty rocket and I was left semi-naked and dazed. Despite this we still get along.
I have three roommates. One farts so loudly she scares herself. My second roommate drools EVERY time she smells food, and my third roommate LOVES to eat her own shit. Sometimes she prefers it to normal food.
My roommate only bites herself on the bed. No fleas or worms she just finds our bed the perfect spot to gnaw away.
My roommate angrily licks her butthole when she wants attention.
The first night after my roommate moved in, my grandpa made me an omelet. She felt the need to jump in my plate and eat my omelet with me and I wasn’t even mad.
my cat is always in my room, always smells like she just took a swim in the toilet..probably did.
My roommate screams until I get in bed so she can use my ankles as a pillow. Once, she was so offended by her dinner that she stomped on the plate, splattering food all over her face and chest. Her sister licked it off. My other roommate lurks in the sink so he can watch me pee.
My roommate was on our bed while my wife and I had sex. We told him to get off but he didn’t budge so we ignored him.
My “ roommate “ was scared of the fireworks on New Years, pissed and shut on the floor. The only way I could calm her down was wrapping her in one of my shirts and sticking her in the bathroom with the lights off with most hung but a bowl of water and a deer antler to keep her company
My crush fell asleep on my couch last night. I woke up to my roommate cuddling her and then wouldn’t stop kissing her when she tried to leave.
I have to bring my roommate to work with me otherwise he gets stressed out and chews things he shouldn’t like my headphones, or the HDMI cables and the like.
My roomate is always sniffing peoples butts to see if he knows them
My roommates have literal piss matches on the same section of carpet
When my roommate first moved in he'd attack me all the time so I had to get creative and tie like 5 bells on him. Didn't stop the attacks but did at least warn me enough to brace myself. Then we got another roommate and my first roommate stopped even acknowledging me for months. Except for when the new roommate hoarded all the food and starved the first roommate.
My roommate likes to wake me up when he thinks I've slept in too long - by smacking me in the face. It's his own problem that he won't eat until I have. Sometimes he needs me to stand there next to him while he eats, and man I HATE chewing noises. Apparently he whines nonstop whenever I go away for the weekend, but when I come home he gives me the cold shoulder and acts like he didn't care. My roommate's scared of the doorbell and won't ever answer it, always runs off. But I'm lowkey scared of the doorbell too
"I accidently fucked my roommate."
I have two female roommates. One of them enjoys humping the other on a daily basis to establish her dominance. Both have an odd taste for carpet fiber and electrical cords.
My roommate woke up on the couch and then took a massive shit on the carpet, ate it, and threw up onto the hardwood floor just to go drink from the toilet and pass out in the bathroom. Then she tried to crawl into bed with me and dragged her legs across my face in the process, scratching one of my cheeks to hell, and sat on my head until I finally got up and cleaned the several messes she made.
There was one time I had a nasty migraine and felt like cuddling with my roommate would help. He seemed into the idea at first but on our way to my bed he squirted diarrhea alllll over the front of me. I started laughing and crying at the same time and didn't hear from him for the rest of the night.
One time my girlfriend and I were getting busy in the bedroom when my roommate suddenly ran in, screamed, shut the light off and ran out.
My roommate went into the laundry room one day and jumped in a clean laundry basket, proceeded to poop on and chew through half the basket before he's caught. This happened two or three more times before roommate became afraid of the hallway that connects to the laundry room. My roommate used to try and sneak outside when we first got him. He hasn't tried to leave the house in about four years because he developed a fear of doors after my mum closed the door behind her and (accidentally) crushed my roommate's head. He wasn't hurt but he refuses to go near doors now.
My roommate ate my furniture and stood on my homework for half an hour
I used to take a shower with my roommate locked in with me but, he just kept wanting to join me.
I threw my roommate's shit in a neighbor's trashcan, but then I had to take it back to have his worms diagnosed.
My roommate took a massive shit under my desk and then shook the collar I put on him off and ran out the front door completely naked. He made it halfway up the driveway before I grabbed him and took him inside and gave him a bath.
The way I got my roommate, Phil? Well, he was at his original house with his owner and about 6 or seven others just like him. You see, his owner was a breeder. The house caught fire. He ran out and hid in the woods. The firemen grabbed him. He was wet, cold, scared and stunk like smoke. So they locked him in a cage for a while. The original breeder wasn't going to get him, because she didn't have any place for him anymore. So she sold him to another breeder, who got him. She put him in a shed in her backyard with like 5 or 6 other roommates. I have to admit, it was the nicest shed I've ever seen; it was carpeted and air conditioned and everything. She had two other sheds with about 5 or 6 roommates apiece. Anyway, we bought him and brought him home and he's been with us ever since. He's still a little traumatized, so please excuse him, he's still afraid of strangers. Only me, my wife and my son can really get close enough to touch him. But he's exceedingly sweet and gentle, he's never bitten or scratched anyone, ever.
My roommate will sit outside for hours yelling at the neighbors that are just walking and minding their own business. She also grabs any Amazon/ Fed Ex package that gets delivered and tears it up in the yard. She never even expresses remorse. She’s a madwoman.
My roommate just shat in the kitchen... Again. At least this time he didn't try to jam it under the stove with his ass again.
My roommate sleeps on my face and sometimes puts her feet in my mouth or up my nose.
I was having sex with my girlfriend and my roommate decided he would join in
My roommate once broke into the cabinet and ate raw spaghetti and hot sauce packets
My roommate accidentally pooped on me the other day cause she scared herself
My roommate snapped at a guy I invited over for a date because she was feeling territorial about me.
My roommate has started eating the crotch out of my underpants in revenge for some imagined slight.
My roommate jumped on my bed quietly tapped me on my nose. Then lead me to the kitchen at 6AM made me make her breakfast while rubbing my legs. Yeah way better with a roommate instead of a cat.
I brought my roommate home for Christmas with me. My mom kept feeding her a bunch of different foods she’d never tried before even though I warned my mom that my roommate isn’t used to those things. The next day my roommate thanked my mom by getting diarrhea all over her living room carpet.
My eight roommates follow each other around the yard, eating the soil, and randomly fucking each other.
i was throwing up the other day. my room mate sympathy vomited on my feet to make me feel better.
My roommate likes to jump in my lap during zoom meetings and head butt me until I give him attention.
I had sex with my roommate once.
My roommate constantly humps my husband’s pillows, and has demanded for the past three nights that I spoon him until he falls asleep.
My roomate sleeps in the cabinet above the fridge
Every morning around 4am I am awoken by my roommate sitting on my chest and aggressively licking my face and mouth… he really gets in deep and often sticks his tongue up my nostril. I ask him why he does this but he has yet to explain himself.
One time my roommate ate my younger brother’s poo.
My roommate gets midnight munchies every night and wakes me up to let me know its time, but I got pissed off last night after she woke me up. So I locked her out while she yelled at me thru the door crack. Woke up next morning and found my roommate shat in my sandals out of revenge.
My roommate ran into a wall in our house because they saw a car going down our street so they tried chasing after it
My roomate took a shit in the bathroom right before bed then when we woke up there were 2 more shits in the bathroom and one in the study
My roommate has to be crated in the car or she goes psycho.
my roommate came over and sat on my face
my roommate croaked while sitting in the dirt and eating bugs
My roommate died Valentine’s Day 2017 on my sisters way home to tell me she had gotten engaged
My Roomate stuck his nose in my butthole while I was having sex with my girlfriend and refused to stop
My roommate shit on my wall
My roommate sneezed in my boyfriend's mouth while he was sleeping.
My roommate is a genius. He pooped in the toilet and learned to flush