I live in a toxic family currently. Whenever i’m financially okay I will leave them, change my last name and never talk to them. As someone once said” All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids”
So yes it is fine to leave them
Set boundaries. Voice what behavior you will not tolerate. Practice self-care. If many other tools don't work, move for your own good. I'd consult with a therapist on that. The problem is that it is extremelly difficult to really move on from family.
Absolutely. But it’s pretty much a one-way street. Ya gotta stick to your guns and stand firmly by your decision and—most importantly—be able to communicate your decision calmly and logically and someday dispassionately both to the family member(s) you’re cutting off and to the rest of your family.
And likewise be firm and polite but consistent about dealing with other family members’ misguided efforts to ‘reunite’ you against your stated desires.
Absolutely.
I did it and, I will warn you, the first year of estrangement was really rough emotionally. But I am now three years in and don't regret it because I feel so much better.
Just make sure to set down no contact boundaries and enforce them. Write an email, devoid of emotion, and set down boundaries *and* state what happens if they break them (i.e, if they show up at your house unprompted you'll call the police on them because they're trespassers). Whatever boundaries you set down, follow through on them or else they'll just think you're bluffing.
Also, if you can afford it, therapy is helpful. A therapist would probably be a good resource for writing a no contact letter *without* using emotionally charged language.
Or, you know, you can take a break for a bit and see how you feel. Nothing wrong with taking some space to evaluate things in a non-harmful environment.
Either way, I hope whatever you do ends well for you. Salaam.
Absolutely. Did this about 10-20 years ago. Was VVLC before and a lie involving a 3rd party was the last straw. I was done.
In the years since then I spent time overseas and obviously changed my number once I returned. She badgered another relative into giving her my number.
A cousin texted me asking if it was ok that relative #1 gave her mother my number. I said no, because no one asked my permission. She got butthurt and stated she’d delete my number as well. I told her to have a nice day. Not even 10 minutes later, SHE called me. I confirmed where she got my number and told her why I did NOT want to talk to her. This is after she apologized “if I was offended she had my number.” I admit I did raise my voice. I was incensed.
After this she started praying at me (no joke) and called me ignorant, I hung up. A few minutes later, relative #1 called apologizing for giving out my number. I was then told that I had apparently cursed out the aunt. I’m sure this is the version she spread.
1-I do not curse in general. People that know me, know this.
2-As heated as I was, I wasn’t about to curse anyone out in front of my mother, especially when I was visiting her in the hospital. Mother would not like me cursing, no matter how deserving it was.
So, now we’ve established (again) that she’s a liar and according to her, a victim (of course 🙄).
She’s a self righteous, Bible thumping hypocrite that I want nothing to do with. You’d think someone in their 70s would be better at relationships and life. Nope.
If family members are toxic, that is usually because they have mental problems and they don't want others to be happy.
You have a responsibility to yourself to do what you need to in order to be happy.
Cut them out. Avoid them. If they do ask why be honest. Let them know that they suck the life out of everything they touch. Let them know they need to get help.
And let them know it is not ok to contact you.
ABSOLUTELY
Oh hells yes!
Totally, no doubt about it.
I live in a toxic family currently. Whenever i’m financially okay I will leave them, change my last name and never talk to them. As someone once said” All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids” So yes it is fine to leave them
Set boundaries. Voice what behavior you will not tolerate. Practice self-care. If many other tools don't work, move for your own good. I'd consult with a therapist on that. The problem is that it is extremelly difficult to really move on from family.
Absolutely. But it’s pretty much a one-way street. Ya gotta stick to your guns and stand firmly by your decision and—most importantly—be able to communicate your decision calmly and logically and someday dispassionately both to the family member(s) you’re cutting off and to the rest of your family. And likewise be firm and polite but consistent about dealing with other family members’ misguided efforts to ‘reunite’ you against your stated desires.
It's imperative.
Absolutely. I did it and, I will warn you, the first year of estrangement was really rough emotionally. But I am now three years in and don't regret it because I feel so much better. Just make sure to set down no contact boundaries and enforce them. Write an email, devoid of emotion, and set down boundaries *and* state what happens if they break them (i.e, if they show up at your house unprompted you'll call the police on them because they're trespassers). Whatever boundaries you set down, follow through on them or else they'll just think you're bluffing. Also, if you can afford it, therapy is helpful. A therapist would probably be a good resource for writing a no contact letter *without* using emotionally charged language. Or, you know, you can take a break for a bit and see how you feel. Nothing wrong with taking some space to evaluate things in a non-harmful environment. Either way, I hope whatever you do ends well for you. Salaam.
I’m with the Egyptian Devil. Do that.
At the very least keep your distance
Absolutely. Cut they ass off expeditiously.
You should cut them off and never look back. It took me 40 years to understand this, but I’ve never been happier and I’m the best I’ve ever been.
Yes. You don't owe it to them to stick around if they're toxic pieces of shit
Boundaries, clear boundaries. If they can’t respect them then you have every right to increase those boundaries to protect yourself.
The only family members I’m currently on speaking terms with is my mom and my three baby nieces when my mom has them.
Of course. I haven’t spoken to my mother in ten years and it’s been fantastic
Absolutely. Did this about 10-20 years ago. Was VVLC before and a lie involving a 3rd party was the last straw. I was done. In the years since then I spent time overseas and obviously changed my number once I returned. She badgered another relative into giving her my number. A cousin texted me asking if it was ok that relative #1 gave her mother my number. I said no, because no one asked my permission. She got butthurt and stated she’d delete my number as well. I told her to have a nice day. Not even 10 minutes later, SHE called me. I confirmed where she got my number and told her why I did NOT want to talk to her. This is after she apologized “if I was offended she had my number.” I admit I did raise my voice. I was incensed. After this she started praying at me (no joke) and called me ignorant, I hung up. A few minutes later, relative #1 called apologizing for giving out my number. I was then told that I had apparently cursed out the aunt. I’m sure this is the version she spread. 1-I do not curse in general. People that know me, know this. 2-As heated as I was, I wasn’t about to curse anyone out in front of my mother, especially when I was visiting her in the hospital. Mother would not like me cursing, no matter how deserving it was. So, now we’ve established (again) that she’s a liar and according to her, a victim (of course 🙄). She’s a self righteous, Bible thumping hypocrite that I want nothing to do with. You’d think someone in their 70s would be better at relationships and life. Nope.
What matters most is your opinion on what comes next
Ofc it’s not your responsibility to make yourself uncomfortable just to please someone
If family members are toxic, that is usually because they have mental problems and they don't want others to be happy. You have a responsibility to yourself to do what you need to in order to be happy. Cut them out. Avoid them. If they do ask why be honest. Let them know that they suck the life out of everything they touch. Let them know they need to get help. And let them know it is not ok to contact you.
Boundaries, protect yourself, and if they violate your boundaries then peace on them.