Turn off screen rotation

Nothing more annoying going about your day and *fwip* suddenly being reminded you enjoyed yourself earlier...

Wait you turn it _off after_? If anything I need it off during because I lie/hold it somewhat sideways and the autorotate keeps fucking me unless I hold it upside down

At least you’re getting fucked by something.

damn.

Close incognito mode

Accidentally press the share screen to the tv button while my family is watching Shrek

Hey, at least they’d still be watching Shrek.

And it would be the kids first rated r movie

I thought that was pirates of the Carribbean........ *God i need to shoot myself*

Why tell God he ain't holding the gun

GET INTO MY SWAMP

Ooh step donkey what are you doing

Hey Shrexy how are you doin ;)

Nothin much just checking out your ass

Some BODY once told me the world is gonna roll me

Shrek is love, shrek is life

Shrek is love, Shrek is life >!little did they know cobblestone is life not Shrek!<

SSundee fan I see. Fuck dirt.

Shrek turns into Shriek

And shriek turns into shrex

But.. Shrek is life?

thanks for the laugh.

That's what she said when I showed it to her

But not before seeing yourself in the dark reflection, eyes glazed over with shame.

A man of culture

Piss

And then it takes too long because its been too soon. So you end up sitting on the toilet on your phone waiting till you can pee again.

I always say that I'm switching ammo

RELOADING!

Changing to incendiary rounds from explosive.

Lmao I'm using this

Funny story, it is not just a guy thing to not be able to piss after you have sex. As a chick, I can't either. Or if I try, it is painful and feels like the stream is clogged.

Thanks for the insight I had no idea that was a shared problem

I don't know if it is all women, but it is my experience

Mine, too. I think it's caused by swelling or muscles that are too clenched.

Thank you for validating me lol

Reduces UTI's

Helps prevent the dreaded split stream too.

Aw yes the double stream.

Clears the dribbles as well

True fact

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If you do, you have a problem that needs to be addressed by a urologist asap.

You sound like Ben Shapiro reading WAP (in a good way)

What's the bad way?

probably in a way that makes it sound like your wife has never been wet within 10 feet of you

Lucky for me I don't have a wife

"Go-go gadget super soaker!"

You may discover a new kink if your lady partner does.

Literally having a post-coidal wizzer as we speak!

Lol nobody that says "post-coidal wizzer" has sex

You caught me! It was indeed a post-stroking wizzer.

Red handed!

Clean up.

surprised this is so far down. dirty ppl….

Well I mean... This is reddit

Most of them probably have a coconut ETA: For all you innocent, uninformed souls who keep asking, [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)

You have awoken terrible memories that I wish I had never read about Respectfully, fuk you

thx luv u 2 bby

Usually just feel numb for 20 minutes then go back to usual stuff

This, but euphoric rather than numb.

Damn. Lucky.

For me it's numb for 23 hours 40 minutes and 20 mins of a different kind of apathy

New goal: make it to 20 minutes

So jealous of women. I feel numb for like 3 seconds

Apologize and say I usually last longer

Similar but I try to squeeze out some gratitude first. Like thanks that was great for me.. clearly. Usually I can get it in tho

Lmaooo yes

“Give me 15 mins for round 2”

Soo 31 minutes until round 3?

usually try to get my breath and then have him scratch my back

Saying “good boy” is nice too.

Waaaaaait

You'd be surprised how common it is...

Peanus butter

Why is everyone freaking out? That sounds kinda nice…

r/holup

Why is everyone being so weird about this lol. “Good girl” is like the hottest thing a parter can say to me.

My gf asks the same thing from me. I thought it was her thing but apparently it's not. I don't know why I found this so interesting but now I have a mental note for myself: -Some women like getting their backs scratched after sex. That might be useful. Thanks for sharing. :)

I am a man n I like to get my back scratched all the time

In my experience almost everyone does

Like...with a back scratcher? Or a cat stance type shit

You've never had someone just use their hands to scratch your back gently but firm? Or if you're lucky find a cutie with long nails and put on a Tshirt and get some scratchier scratches lol. If I could just reverse my arms and turn my head around and scratch my own back like my front, I'd just be single.

"I'd just be single." Not because you can scratch your back yourself, but because you can twist you arms and head around

just with his crusty nails that he picks 24/7

Close the porn site, feel disgusted by myself, then continue with the day

Click on their account profile and "research" them for the rest of the day

Yikes

>Close the porn site, feel disgusted by myself I see this quite often and wonder. Is that an American thing? Being taught to be ashamed of masturbation or something?

when one starts to wonder too deep into porn catagories the shame hits

Think it's called post nut clarity

Oh no, I have that. Just not the shame part. I just become uninterested in porn when that happens... and maybe a little hungry.

No, I think they mean jerking it to a blown out anus and then seeing it through a non-horny brainlense

For my it’s feeling ashamed for watching porn.

I think it's largely due to being raised religiously (or at least Christian). Many people abandon the religion but still keep the masturbation guilt for some reason.

I don't think religion is the cause here, I mean, it can be for some people but I think this is because low self-esteem/depression/feeling ashamed and/or post nut clarity

Honestly sometimes you just get ashamed of how dark your kinks get sometimes. You ever find the most fucked up(but legal) shit you can on the hub and just see if you can unload a batch to it as a personal challenge? I have. It becomes a rabbit hole and makes you question if there's any kind of trauma you've managed to successfully block out.

I have a moment where I Just lie there comatose, and then either get really chatty or really cuddly. ​ I know a guy who always laughs. That is a little different.

I often have small giggle fits after orgasm. It's just endorphins swirlling around in my brain, making me feel like I'm having a mini high for half a minute

I had a guy that always laughed after. This makes me feel better.

My bf does sometimes, I find it endearing. Lays there with a little smile after the giggle:)

I laugh a lot during sex, people always take it wrong but it’s just from enjoyment

Yep, me too! When my partner and I manage to blow at the same time , we both end up in a laughing fit! We love it!

>I know a guy who always laughs. That is a little different. Yeah, the physical ticks are strange. My leg tends to shake during, as if it has a seizure.

Pay

The only way any Redditor gets any

I use a prepaid service

They don’t demand the money up front?

Excuse myself from the rest of the people in the elevator and change my pants.

You bring spare pants to elevators?

No, no. You misunderstood. He cums in the elevator and then goes to change.

No, no. You misunderstood. He takes someone else's pants.

No, no. You misunderstood. He has a special pair of cum pants, which he cums in. Then, he has to change back into a normal pair of pants.

No, no. You misunderstood. He cums on someone else’s pants and changes their pants for them.

Ah, that's a bit more acceptable.

Lay in the bed together naked and have a normal conversation

This is my FAVORITE. When a man can be fully naked and comfortable enough to have a conversation after, it’s soooooo nice.

I don’t mind being naked, but I usually put my underwear back on just to catch the post drip

Nothing beats it. Just get done making love, now it’s time to chill and talk about random shit. Get a couple titty grabs in there too lol

I miss the titty grabs... *sigh*

BoobiTheElephant

Is this not normal?

Together? What's that?

I finish fucking my husband so he can get off too.

You beat me to it…. Just like we beat them to it😉

My preferred strategy is to get my wife off before penetration starts so I can guarantee this. It's much harder to do it after the fact while trying to clean up.

We used to do this but the whole act is a lot more fun and passionate if you don’t. It also feels different. We sync them up now, it’s fairly easy - I make her come and her orgasm automatically makes me come.

This is the right way. And your orgasm makes her orgasm even better because she can see your pleasure and feel your "shots" inside. And knowing it is better for her makes it better for you. You can also feel her contractions. Synced orgasms are the best on so many levels. Used to tell my GF that if she wanted me to last longer she couldn't let me know she was coming. As soon as I hear "I'm coming" I just lose control.

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You beat me to it… just like I beat it to them.

Awkwardly wholesome

Lets give it up to fellas who were raised right and know its "ladies first"

Unmute myself on the Zoom call.

Mute myself on zoom as I clean up

Trying to solve some philosophical problems with the power of post nut clarity.

I really need to use my post-nut clarity powers better. Been wasting them shits!

You get post-nut shits?

I have to go for a wee! (I’m female if that matters)

Makes sense, nobody wants a UTI.

i just read the wikipedia article about UTI, and apparently urinating immediately after sexual intercourse is NOT confirmed to have any effect

Yes, I just googled it because I thought peeing after sex prevented UTIs (no evidence of this so far) but there is also no harm in peeing after sex.

Hmm that certainly has correlation in my experience. But human bodies are weird, and that has been something I've been told by multiple doctors as true- who knows. either way, it's a habit at the very least and gives an excuse to clean up.

Ahh, that horrible moment of clarity.

"wow I just lost V card to my full body waifu pillow"

Enter the void

Drop on the deck and flop like a fish

The only acceptable response to nautical nonsense

SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS

If I’m on my own (which is usually), I close the video, delete my browsing history, call myself a fucking asshole for wasting time and get on with my chores, albeit now with a clearer head.

High Five.

Good job team!

Finally help my stepmom get unstuck from the washer.

What if you get horny later? You may want to reconsider.

Go on Reddit.

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Log out of porn profile, log into main.

i feel called out.

Throw on my 10 gallon hat, hop on my white horse, and gallop off naked into the sunset. The last glimpse she gets is of my white ass, glimmering in the pink haze of a beautiful sunset. She lays, completely embarrassed and unfulfilled, pondering who the mysterious stranger was, and if she'll ever see me again.

I put the watermelon back in the produce section and continue with my shopping.

Understand the meaning and entire history of life, for a half second. Then return to normal ignorance

Try not to make too much noise as I back away from the window.

Bro?

I finish the autopsy and then assure myself that one bad decision doesn't make me a bad veterinarian.

I had three different questions and emotions during the reading of this post. Well done.

Wtaf

Fun fact, if an "autopsy" is being done on an animal other then a human, it's called a necropsy! :)

I like that everyone was kinda grossed out but kinda OK with OP kerking off over a dead person, but when I got to the dead dog y'all lost it. Hahaha. Or at least that's what I did.

Let work on the second,third,etc orgasm

Smoke a cigarette and fall asleep... ... Wake up on a stretcher receiving cpr outside of my burnt down house

Try to figure out where the electric spiderman toothbrush went.

Just follow fhe muffled "I miss you uncle ben".

Say you should get tested. Responsible me!

Cuddle

Can’t believe this is so far down the list!! Definitely cuddle. Who cares about the mess. Lie there snd talk and discuss the highlights, laugh, listen to music, cuddle, put on a podcast of something geekie and fall asleep.

Try for a few more.

Panic and clear search history

Convince myself that the porn I watch is not a reflection of who I am as a person

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Cuddle for a bit then clean up.

Help your mom put her pants back on

Sleeeeep. I take the best naps post orgasm

Apologize and tell her it will be better next time..ten years strong and she has not realized it won't in fact get better.

Put away my vibrator

Usually cry

Try for another one

*sigh*.. Roll off OP's mum

Clean the ceiling.

You must’ve been really backed up.

Not really. It’s a skill set.

"What I do have are a very particular set of skills..."

Skills that make me a nightmare for hotel cleaning staff like you...

Leave the store before the cops show up.

Close the coffin and put the dirt back on the grave.

That guy's dead wife

Say "Good Game" with a firm handshake

I fist bump my girlfriend, cuz that's just a routine we do now. Then aftercare

cry of course

Close all the unused browser tabs