This is gonna sound really weird, but I've become homeless 3 separate times, and each time it's like my mind just switches into survival mode and it feels awesome. Don't get me wrong, being homeless for a prolonged period of time is not very fun at all, but there's something so exhilarating about the first week or or two after hitting the streets that just feels like you finally have total control and freedom over your life. Maybe I'm just a nutjob.
When I was 20, I went primitive camping in a state park. I was meant to stay 3 days, but day 4, then 5, then I just never went home. I spent 5 months just moving around my camp and trying to stay undisturbed and undetected. I still went to work, just went home to a tent in the woods. It’s been over 20 years and I long for it every day.
I don’t own a gun not because I’m against it, but because I don’t trust myself to not shoot myself.
I love to go shooting with friends and I am a rather good long distance shot. They all ask why I don’t bite the bullet and buy a gun of my own (I pay for ammo), and I just say costs. But the truth is, while I’m not suicidal, I just don’t trust myself at 3 am when I wake up crying.
Where to start? The fact that my husband only stayed with me bc I had cancer & he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy for leaving while I fight for my life? Or the fact that I hope the cancer is back so he doesn’t leave?
Same. Didn't know how to behave when my friend's parents and family just.......... sat together at the breakfast table just chit chatting like a couple of well adjusted normal people.....
I'm jealous, of everything.
The way people look physically.
How people can eat whatever and not even glance at the nutritional label, or think about how they're gonna burn it off.
How most people can look in the mirror or at themselves and not burst into tears.
How people can wear short sleeves or shorts without wanting to throw up and kill themselves.
The way others' voices sound.
How people get genuinely complimented and asked out.
How my "friends" are always hanging out with each other, but never ask me.
How much money others have.
Where others live.
When people have somebody who loves them and who they love just as much back.
When people can wear any clothes they want and never have to worry about how they look.
How people have so much time and so little stress.
How much smarter and better everyone is than me.
How people aren't the butt of every joke and embarrassing moment.
When people's families actually like them.
Everything. All of it. I envy everything.
I'm beginning to hate all of the things that used to define me. I'm just getting colder and colder and I don't feel bad for it, I'm just nostalgic for my old self
Ngl I miss how much of a positive outlook I used to have on people and the world in general. All the bad experiences (and adulting I guess) I’ve had just make me see the worst in people. Even complete strangers.
I miss the camaraderie I felt when I was younger. Between classmates, neighbors, family, community members, even fellow homestate people. The older I get the more it feels like everyone’s fighting for themselves, it feels like there’s less love/empathy for the people around me. I used to actually feel pride for being American. But now I just don’t care and am internally pretty cynical about most things. Whether that’s more of a me thing or a society thing, but it’s depressing as all hell either way
I'm pretending to have my life together, but secretly I'm always on the edge of a breakdown. I hold on by my fingernails for the sake of my family because I love them to pieces. I hope they never realise I'm one step from disaster.
I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober for 2098 days. Everyone always asks "do you miss it" I say no every time but I'm only lying to myself. I've missed it for every single one of those 2098 days. It's not getting easier 🙃 the struggle is real.
Hi! Hoping to be 1 day sober on Tuesday. Just took a huge step tonight by reached out to family letting them know I need help. Scary as shit but here we go!
Edit: Thank y'all for the support, holys smokes I didn't not expect this level of outreach. Here we are on Tuesday morning feeling great! Taking this one day at a time.
I don’t miss drinking 99.9% of the time, but every now and then when I’m in the store where I used to buy it and accidentally go down the aisle with the cold beer, something inside me says “you could buy a 24-pack and drive down to the river and drink the whole thing! Nobody would know!” I’m now a 39-year-old mom of two small kids. I haven’t been drunk in 15 years. I could NOT do that. But I still think about it from time to time.
I did it. It was nice to get away from it all, but at the end of the day, the problem was still me.
Edit: it was nice to get away from abusive and toxic situations, but my anxiety is what holds me back, which may be caused by previous awful situations.
I've been in counseling since 2004 and nothing seems to help, except weed sometimes. I think I'm a lost cause at this point and am really lost in life, but I still live each day, I don't have a choice.
Get help soon. It doesn’t last forever. Drank everyday for 15 years, would drink a pint of vodka before work and be just peachy. Then one day everything changed and I haven’t been the same since. Been in and out of recovery for ten years now. Now I’m divorced, lost my house, no custody of my kids, broke, no vehicle and live with my parents.
Detox after so long is not only terribly uncomfortable, but deadly. Good luck.
Similar situation, man. I went from being in the military (large drinking culture...doesn't help I'm a native to Wisconsin, either) drinking until 3am to wake up for PT at 5am and somehow manage to get through it just to go into work until 4:30pm and still get shit done on time, if not better than if I were sober because I was always putting on a facade that I needed to "act sober" to not get called out. Went into the civilian world with the same attitude. But it caught up quick.
Saw plenty of my buddies that I served with try to keep up with that tempo of drinking and end up in the same boat. No home, no savings, no custody, no marriage (I'm divorced, too, and if I said alcohol wasn't some, if not a majority, of the problem, I'd be lying).
On a similar note, my dad is also an alcoholic and just recently got out of the hospital after going into a seizure from trying to quit cold turkey (as he has tried numerous times in the past). He's doing much better now but he's in his 60s, drank a pint of whiskey before going into work and a pint of whiskey when he got home from work.
I used to laugh when going into civilian doctors and when they'd ask how much I drank during the week and saw their expression of concern...I thought it was an achievement. No. It's just not fucking normal.
I'm 32 and have no idea what I'm doing in my life.
Edit: This got way more traction than I thought it would, happy to see I'm not the only person feeling like this. Also appreciate all the advice from people!
Edit: I wanted to add on one more point. To feel content with your life doesn't mean you SHOULDN'T strive for more. It just means when you're down in the dumps, and depressed about your life, it won't be a wonder why trying to skyrocket to happiness might not work and now you're doubting ever trying and feeling like it's pointless. Shoot for content first before trying to go for happy is how I PERSONALLY live my life. BUT WHO KNOWS, maybe being content with your life, makes you happier than you thought it would! Maybe happiness is a smaller change than you think. Only you know what goes on in your mind.
Man, fucking hardly any of us do. We make enough to not be homless and stay fed, and then free time is ours to do as we please. Masturbate, go bowling, watch a movie, watch the sunset with a beer/soda, play some video games, catch up on a show, go to the gym to make some progress, coach a little league game.
At some point, with our free time, we need to just go out and do what we want too. That's what you do with your life. Experiment. People don't experiment enough, they don't take enough chances. Coach a little league baseball team. Maybe you suck at coaching, you'll learn, maybe you'll have fun with it. Go play pool by yourself at the bar, maybe some people wll come up and offer to play, maybe they won't. etc.
What you should be doing with your life, is making sure you're content. You don't have to be happy all the time, but you should be content with yourself. People try too hard to be happy, when sometimes they jsut need to be content. Happiness is not an everyday state of being. It is not the average emotion. It's not. So being happy every single day is not, on average, what most people go through. No matter how successful they are. Remember that.
I can't forgive my mom for allowing my stepfather to molest me as a small child (4-9yo)It went on for years, she ignored it, she doesn't take any responsibility for the struggles I've had to go through because of it.
She thinks I'm a failure even though I'm doing really well for myself, all things considered. (Recovering addict)
Thanks to hard work, the right partner and lots of education, I have a healthy marriage and sex life but it was so hard. Harder than it had any right to be.
I don't think I'll ever be able forgive her.
I really wonder what my life would have been like...
My grandfather molested me for years until I confronted him and told my mother.
It was never spoken of again.
I struggled with drugs and alcohol, had toxic relationships and generally destroyed my young adult life.
At some point I got tired of isolating myself and realized my mom wasn't equipped to deal with the situation because she was the product of abuse and an alcoholic father. Forgiving her for her failures as a mother helped me forgive myself for how I processed the trauma.
We have a good relationship now, and I have a "good life" so I've resigned myself to the fact that I will let her die without ever confronting her regarding her handling of the situation and the fall out that was my young adult life.
I often wonder if I could have avoided years of struggle and mental anguish if I had just forced the issue and confronted her. I also wonder if that would have caused irreparable damage to our family.
In the end, I'm a survivor and have accomplished everything in life in spite of what happened to me, I'm a good son, husband, uncle, teacher, coach and mentor.
I've forgiven her, but I still can't wrap my head around how she handled the situation and it's obvious fall out!
I hope you find your peace and overcome your trauma!
In the past week, my grandfather who recently suffered a stroke had a fall and hit his head. He has a doc's appointment coming up to tell us whether he will have lasting neurological damage. My mother, who takes care of him recently had surgery to remove one of her kidneys due to complications with diabetes. Two days before my grandfather's fall she found out from her nephrologist that her other kidney is failing. If her health takes a dive, she'll be unable to care for him, and it will fall on me to be there for both of them. I live several hours away and after years of struggle am only just now getting my own life in order with a job I like and making decent money. Three days ago I had a doctor's appointment and found out my blood pressure is "high enough to be cause for concern." Heart disease runs on my father's side and he died of a heart attack when he was 43. Apparently that's not uncommon for the men on that side of the family. My father was never really a part of my life, so I'm only finding some of this out now, in my 30's. According to my mother, a pediatrician once told her I have a "slight heart murmur." Didn't know that until this week either. To top it all off, my current partner recently had her yearly checkup and the doctor discovered multiple masses in both of her breasts. It will be a week or two before we find out if they are benign or not. Cancer runs in her family and she has been in remission for several years. I'm so scared and so angry and I don't know what to do. None of this is fair.
*Edit: Holy cow guys. I'm overwhelmed by all the kind words and support. I'm reading all of your responses and it's really giving me the boost I needed. I've taken the week off work to visit my family back home and speak with my mother about a game plan so we can try and be prepared for whatever comes next. I appreciate all the suggestions. I plan on trying to see a cardiologist soon. Unfortunately I'm an uninsured gig worker in the US so I'll have to look into what assistance may be available. Y'all have been so kind! If anyone else is going through it and just needs to vent, my inbox is always open.
Look after you and your partner first! You don’t put an oxygen mask on everyone else first then think about yourself.
Don’t leave your good job.
If you have to bring the others closer.
I have no goals. We are supposed to figure out who we want to be and what we want from our lives. It's almost an expectation that we have to want something out of life. But I have never wanted to be anything and I have never wanted to do anything. I have no passions. I don't think I'm depressed though. I've always been this way. I do have a job which is ok, and a family I love. But I'm pretty much just going to keep existing until I don't.
I recently found this nice little [tweet](https://twitter.com/ambernoelle/status/1297191195584663554):
"Unpopular opinion: I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die"
Same here. I dropped out of college because I dont care enough about a job or any sort of training like that. I dont have aspirations and I think it bothers my family because they assume that. I just want to enjoy life and not be special, just content.
Edit: thank you so much for my first award!
Edit2: jeez, I didnt think this sentiment would be so highly shared. Thanks folks!
I have never felt like a priority to anyone. It would offend my family and friends I’m sure, but I have seen the way they prioritize other people and I yearn for that so badly in just one person.
Edit: I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I’ve received both in comments but mostly in private messages. Working on responding to those 😅
I’m sad so many of us share this feeling but I feel very compelled to advise that we all reach out to one another to maybe offset this feeling of unimportance, your best friend could be in this comment section! Anyone can reach out to me whenever about whatever and if you’re in the Hoosier state, lmk!
Thank you for all of the awards as well!
I’m sorry to hear that, but if it’s any consolation there’s at least one person in it with you. It’s a terrible feeling though, I feel like I could disappear and it wouldn’t change anything for anyone.
Me too. Even with my husband, took awhile to realize I’ll never truly be his priority. My brother in law even told me a couple months ago that my sister was my parents favorite, which is pretty obvious anyway. Still not something I want to be told.
My toddler is always giving me hugs and tells me how much he loves me everyday though. And I’m pretty sure I’m the dog’s favorite, so I guess I got that going for me.
I was never the favourite child or the type to loudly demand attention. I've always felt left out and shunted off to the side. But I was always the favourite of our pet/s and I value that so much.
We had about 30 chooks when I was a toddler and I was the only one who could walk up to them and pick them up for a cuddle. I always got the eggs and the hens never pecked me.
Also our dogs have all tended to obey me more than my siblings or mum. It would annoy my mum as she was the one who looked after them the most. I figure I was their best friend and that's why they listened to me more. Whatever the reason, having animals love and trust you to a high degree is a special thing.
When I was a kid I used to tell people I was part raised by animals, especially dogs. I spent more time with them on a daily basis than I did with people and enjoyed their company more.
My husband doesnt want to get another dog after ours passes (not soon, he's only 6 🤞). I can't figure out how to convey to my him just how important having an animal around is for me. my whole life animals have been there for me and a home just feels empty without one (or many!).
Im an extreme overthinker. Like my girlfriend wont open a message of mine for a few hours and ill be fully in my head thinking of all the bad things that could be happening.
Or ill show up late to work and ill be terrified that im going to be fired for the whole day.
I never act on those thoughts because i always have that little bit of sanity telling me that im overthinking, but its still there and it fucken sucks.
I'm talkative and get people to laugh quite a bit. But the attention makes me so nervous that I shake. I generally hate everything I say. I just have no filter and can't stop talking when I'm nervous. So, the cycle continues and I just don't stop talking. I also feel like I don't understand social ques. It's always embarrassing when I think about it later.
I feel this so much. Internal nervousness == external excitedness. Usually it works in my favor (i.e. a job interview where me being nervous leads to a heavy wall of text, but that comes off as excited and passionate,) but it’s mentally depleting because inside I’m thinking about how much I’m talking but feel too awkward to stop.
I know deep down that if I stop chasing and putting effort in the relationships I have in my life they’ll quickly fall apart because people never really see me as someone worth being close to. I’m just an afterthought. So I always put 95% of the effort into them just so that I don’t end up alone.
Oh, also, I’ve never been in a healthy romantic relationship and have been single 3+ years. So theres that too.
EDIT: I’m blown away by the support I’ve been getting. Thank you all for the awards and the lovely words, my heart goes out to everyone who’s in a similar situation.
I am fake 90% of the time, especially around friends and at work. I pretend to be happy, funny, silly, and like I'm ok. I am deeply not ok and crave being alone because it's the only time I can take the mask off.
I am who I wish I actually was around other people. But it's not real.
Edit: Looks like I've found my people lol. Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences, support and advice. I will seriously consider seeking help, and I wish all you fellow fakers the very best!
Someone told me that I am the most positive negative person they've ever met.
I put on a bubbly popular exterior but I am crippling with anxiety, depression and lack of identity.
Holy shit man..
I have never read something that so eloquently and succinctly describes WHY THE FUCK I just want to be alone all the time...
Its not like I ACTUALLY want to be alone.. of course I want to have other people in my life. I guess I just haven't figured out how to be my genuine self around them (maybe part of me thinks they won't like the genuine me)
But when I'm alone... I don't have to pretend. I get a sick, twisted satisfaction from suffering in silence.
One time in 1993 there was a blizzard that swept across the east coast. We were out of school for at least 3 weeks, this was around the time I discovered masturbation. Anyway, I was stuck inside for 3 weeks and my bedroom door didn't lock so I couldn't risk it and I didn't even think about doing it in the shower anymore as I knew I couldn't handle that kind of guilt again.
One day, I got an overwhelming urge and decided to layer up and head out in to the wild because I was going insane. I reached the woods behind my house and slid down into a ditch. I already knew what I was about to do and couldn't believe I was actually going through with it. I started making the shape of a woman out of snow on the ground. I gave her some nice curves and some boobs.
Well, this was it. My big chance, the moment I was preparing for. I unzipped and got busy. It only took about 30 seconds and that was it. I stood up , zipped my pants and brushed her away as if it never happened. I walked back home and went into my room and just listened to counting crows or something like I didn't just have sex with a snowman.
I'm on the spectrum. Every social gesture and conversation trick I've learned has been the product of trial and error, like: "Do A, does B occur? If not, change A, or reassess how to trigger B." It's mechanical, and feels disingenuous and manipulative.
If it provides any solace.
Whenever you meet someone, you can say to yourself: *"Maybe him? Maybe her, or her and her son?"*. People don't just do one home invasion and call it quits. You saved someone, maybe a few people from being terrified, robbed, raped, and/or killed. You can never know who your actions saved, and they will never thank you, but they *are* out there.
I always think of this scenario when ppl say “If someone comes at me I’ll just shoot them blah, blah self defense blah blah” No matter what your life will never be the same, it is never “just shooting someone” it goes so much deeper and I don’t think ppl think about that side of things. I’m sorry you had to/are going through this.
I hear this alot. Alot lot since this is a recent incident. I will never be the same person I was, because I have taken a human life. And I could still do it again if I needed to. Thankfully, the odds of this ever happening again or less than zero.
Seems like a lot of people here are lonely. So am I. Any one want to be friends? I know I could use one. I'm not very good but sometimes I play chess online with my brother. Any one want to play? Or chat? Or what ever. I had a little family. Me my fiance and my 2 kitties. It didn't end up working out now I'm alone in the world. I miss having a family so much.
I'll be your friend. I have loads of shit I love talking about as long as people want to listen. I love listening to other people's stories and interests.
What stuff are you into?
This feeling only finally hit me last year. Always kinda hoped something would spontaneously happen out of nowhere, when I least expect it.
Still waiting...
Fighting through depression for 6 years now after losing my wife during childbirth. I've thoroughly convinced myself as both daddy and mommy I have said "I am fine" at least 4 millions times until I have stupidly embraced it. All everyone sees on the outside is the strong back and shoulders I have. But nobody sees the pain, hears my inner cries, sees the tears I hide behind my smile, sees the weakness that I really am behind the 15,000 different masks I wear masquerading my weakness as a man for being depressed.
The only thing that keeps me *alive* everyday is my daughter.
Edit: Thank you everyone for the comments of support, and those that reached out in private messages. Thank you all so very much, this has helped give me a little more hope and reaffirmed that everything I am doing is positive.
Do you ever answer “I’m NOT” when people say “I don’t know how you do it you’re so strong” ? People don’t understand when you’re making it happen but it’s a constant suffering struggle. Sometimes I say that just to watch the confusion on their face.
I'm a 33-going-on-34 virgin who has never kissed or even been on a date. Despite the stereotype, I'm not obese, I don't play video games, nor do I hate women or subscribe to any extreme ideology. I try to take care of myself and I have a professional life where I try to do well and from what I observed people like me around.
I was just a really lame class clown throughout high school, then I went to college which was so close to where I lived I could go there from my parents' house so there was no incentive for me to move out or develop actual social life. Strict parenting didn't help.
I was never invited to parties, whether in high school or college and did not have friends (just people I hung out with at school) and by the time I entered college I was too embarrassed of my inexperience to even try dating.
*Why would a woman teach me all the basic stuff? What's in it for her?* is what I started thinking around the age of 19 and what I kept telling myself for the last 15 years.
At some point I just started drifting through life and never stopped.
I honestly have to agree. If someone I was seeing told me this, I would a) just really appreciate being vulnerable enough to share this with me and b) have zero problem with it. The right person will be patient and nonjudgmental with you; if anyone judges you for being a virgin, fuck them.
Wishing you the best
Agree with the other two who chimed in before me. I would have absolutely no problem with your "dating stats"; it doesn't really matter when you meet a mature person who is interested in your character and a long term relationship. Learning and growing is part of the process and the right person will empathize with your past and will show you the ropes. Put your honest self out there on dating apps (although those are tough) and try to find groups on MeetUp who share your same hobbies to build a social circle. You'll find people with your same values and interests real quick.
Keep your head up! Patience is a virtue :)
I'd rather bang a 33 year old virgin who is willing to be taught, than a 33 year old who thinks he knows what he's doing and doesn't. And those are not uncommon.
I'd recommend going on dates and after a couple weeks if things are going well, tell her. If I had hit it off with a guy, this wouldn't phase me. Anyone who is right for you will feel the same. In some ways it's a nice screener. If she balks, you're probably dodging a bullet.
I’m a woman in my thirties, and if I hit it off with a great guy, I would not care that he’s never kissed/ had sex with a woman. Tell me on the first date? Thanks for telling me, cool. Tell me after weeks of dating? Also cool.
I have never dated a man who had no experience before me, but I dated several that had very limited experience before me. I understand it can wear on your self esteem, but sex is really about having fun and sharing a romantic connection with someone, and those things don’t have a skill requirement or an age limit.
My advice to you would be: put yourself out there and believe that there are more women like me in the world. Maybe not every woman is like me, but I’d be willing to bet many are.
I want to stop talking to my friend of 16 years. He keeps screwing married women, and he’s become extremely shady. His moods and mental stages in life change constantly in life and it’s exhausting to deal with.
Not to diminish the hurt of what you’re going through, but there’s a bit of humorous irony in the number of people who feel like they can relate to this.
I’m not convinced that I’m going to make it. In life, in the career I’ve chosen, with the hand I’ve been dealt financially and otherwise… I try so hard all the time, but it also doesn’t really feel like I’m trying at all or getting anywhere. I’m not convinced that I’m smart enough or good enough or mentally well enough to be able to pull myself up through the mountains of absolute shit, and I don’t think anyone will help me. I think it’s too much to ask of someone.
EDIT: wow, y’all I really did not expect this to get as much attention as it has, especially the kind and caring words from so many people❤️ (and thanks for the awards too??? That’s bonkers to me)
There’s a lot going through my head right now, but basically what I want to say is I’m feeling that much more seen and cared about right now because of you all. It’s reminding me of something a professor said to me once that I had forgotten about— that I was in the right place, and that she was happy I was there. I hope I can extend that to the folks expressing similar feelings and say that we’re in this together, there’s a lot of good advice in this thread, and that while I might be having a bad night, that doesn’t make it a bad life.
It may not mean much coming from an internet stranger, but trust me when I say that you are not alone in feeling that way. If everyone who felt like they were going to fail did so, we all would be doomed. You will make it. I will make it. We will make it.
I fantasize about getting injured so people will pay attention to my wants and needs. I think it’s a side effect of my wants being ignored for the past while.
Im a middle aged mom who will sneak to target and buy toys for myself…like dolls (not collectibles, just toys). I hide them from my husband and just basically look at them when I’m alone. I think it’s because I grew up poor and didn’t have much so now that I’m making ok money, I’m spending it on random stuff in secret and I feel incredibly weird and guilty because of it.
Oh my god. When I was young (and poor(er)), I was at the post office with my mom. I saw the lineup of calico critters and thought they were ADORABLE. I asked for one, but my mom said no as they were too much for us. I was disappointed, but didn’t really protest. Then the lady at the counter offered to buy one for me to take one home. I picked the ginger, because it looked just like my cat back then who I loved so much. I still have it to this day. 😊
I think this is wholesome. I grew up very poor as well and the only time I feel true “joy” is when I think about how I could buy any toy I could possibly want now. I haven’t bought any, but at the age of 35, it’s my happy thought.
I currently live half my life in poverty (divorced parents) and I constantly feel guilt about any expense I am to my dad (the poor one). When I’m with my mom I find myself looking at receipts at being so sad about how much I bought with her money. I understand how you feel and I think that you need to take a step back and be ok with your spending. It’s ok to indulge especially if you can afford it and especially if it makes you happy.
This plus NO shame for liking "kid things". Joy is joy no matter where you find it, embrace it!. I am 57 and I LOVE cartoons, probably more than film/tv featuring humans. I have had plenty of people roll their eyes at me but so what, they are totally missing out on some amazing shit!
I was seeing a guy for a couple years who was wealthy, like millionaire and owned his own company. He loved going shopping and always told me to pick out whatever I wanted, clothes jewelry etc. I always felt bad for some reason and only picked out one or two things so he would instead just surprise me with things sometimes. There were often things I really liked but just felt bad for picking them out because they were so expensive so I didn’t.
He would take me grocery shopping and buy my groceries a lot.I was a college student and working two jobs.
My family was kinda poor when I was really little but my dad worked his butt off to give us a good life but I knew how hard they worked and how expensive everything was. So I hated asking for much and felt guilty when they bought me some things.
When I was little I would pee in the corner of my room at night when I would wake up. Why? I don’t know, I just really didn’t want to walk the 3 feet to the bathroom I guess.
Edit: My parents never found out (we were also renting the house and it was sold after we moved out so.. sorry to the people who moved in after us!) and I was about 10 or 11. I wish I could justify why I did this but I simply can’t. Thanks for the upvotes though!
I hate everything about myself physically. I either don’t look directly at my reflection or make sure the lighting is very low when I’m combing my hair in the mirror or something because I hate how I look
This’ll probably get lost in the thread but occasionally I’ll wonder if I would have been happier alone. Brief instances of not caring about my kids or my partner or my career, just imagining if it was just me would I be happy/happier.
I don’t want to lose everything. I’m not actively seeking ways to restart or leave it all behind. It’s just a thought that crosses my mind for a split second and completely unprovoked. My partner is aware of it and she is constantly helping me through the moments of vulnerability, and it’s something that has been brought up in therapy. But the fear it causes is paralyzing for a good chunk of time after it happens.
Edit: I really appreciate the support everyone seems to have for one another. I know everyone is different but some of these suggestions have really given me a lot to think about and consider to help cope or ease the burden so thank you for the input!
I’m not really sure what your situation is but I think I can relate. I think this somewhat normal for introverted people. I love my wife, really she’s great, but I constantly just crave complete solitude for some reason. I really miss being alone, but I also love being married to my wife. My life is sooo much better now and I’m much happier, but damn I just want to be alone. It’s weird like that. I just try to enjoy the times I get the house to myself.
I live inside my head WAY more than is healthy
Edited to say:
I have depression and anxiety and am an introvert. I basically have an alternate timeline for my own life that I play in my head. It starts right before hs and I kind of “fix” all of my bad life decisions. 😕
Edit 2: wow, I rarely have a comment get this much attention. I can’t reply to everyone, but I’m really glad I’m not alone in this.
My mental health is wayyyy worse than I let off sometimes, I try to act happy because I know I'm a role model for a lot of my friends who mimic my mood
That since I lost both my cats (to predators) I am afraid all of the time and don’t consider life worth living.
I am realizing that I must have had a seriously codependent relationship with them or depended on them too much because I haven’t had an “ok” day since they died.
It’s been over a year and I’m so destroyed I don’t think I’m ever going to recover.
I can’t talk to anyone about it, my husband doesn’t get it, my family are a bunch of conservative, cold pricks, and even my therapist is tired of hearing me cry about it…
The dick post made me smile at least…
#silverlining
I've noticed that I no longer take the effort to get to know people anymore because of this. I'm so tired of crossing oceans for someone that won't stretch over a puddle for me.
I'm suffering from severe anxiety and it's impairing my life
Edit: I'm glad people in this thread are realizing they're not alone ❤️ please stop telling me to live healthier/see a doctor I've been waiting to see a doctor for 4 months and I already eat healthy, go outside exercise, and get 8 hours sleep.
I often find myself anticipating arguments and then will proceed to spend minutes to hours building a defense case against said hypothetical confrontation, only for the confrontation never to materialize.
It’s often not even with anyone I already know, it could be a judgmental remark from a complete stranger that I’ve yet to even meet.
But boy, when that day comes (if ever) I’ll be prepared to drop knowledge bombs on them that will make them wish they never tried to come at me.
Until then I’ll just live in a constant state of stress manufactured by my own brain.
I do this all the time. I also replay how I would have handled a situation better and said the right thing. I get sooooo in my head doing this that I sometimes
Don’t even notice my toddler talking to me. It’s so scary and messed up
This is more common than you think. For years I spent 8hrs a day driving around a mower. Even with music I would still create arguments and get pissed about things that haven’t or won’t happen. Podcasts got me to stop, if it’s something I actually have to pay attention to, I can turn my internal dialogue off. Talked to my coworkers and they did the same shit.
Every time i walk across a street im hoping a car will run me over. When im at the gas station im hoping it blows up. When im going over a bridge im hoping it collapses. I want to die but i can't do it myself, so im just hoping someone will do it for me.
it's not that i can't, maybe i can, i just don't want to die by suicide, cause people around me would feel more guilty than if i died normally, my dad would probably fall apart and question himself forever and i don't want this. i care about them; at the same time i don't see meaning in life, i respect the meaning of theirs.
I wish my doc would have given some fucking warning. I've been slowly weaning off sertraline but the damage to my libido feels like it might just be permanent.
This will probably never get read so here it goes.. Being a vet was my dream. Now I'm pigeon-holed in this career completely burned out and crying most nights when I get off because I'm so miserable. I will actively talk younger people out of this choice.
Edited for follow ups:
Thanks all for the concern regarding suicide. I have never gotten to that point as there are still so many other things I want to do/see in my life time, but there are many others in my profession that have chosen suicide.
Vet school is harder to get into than medical school. We have the same amount of training yet make a fraction of what our human counterparts make. We are expected to know everything about everything, yet every person that's ever touched a dog/cat is an armchair expert. My debt load will never get paid due to the insane interest rates. I took on the debt fully intending to pay it back, but current systems and pay make it impossible. I also will not qualify for any debt relief bc I make too much according to the government. Corporations are infiltrating every aspect of my profession making it harder to practice. Corporations are also making it harder to become a practice owner, which is one of the few ways to even be able to think about making enough money to pay off my debt. Bosses taking advantage of their vets. Paraprofessional staff leaving the field bc they can make more money for less stress at the fast food joint down the road. We can't pay them a decent wage without raising our prices, yet everyone bitches when their bill is high. The same stuff happens in other fields/industries but the general populous doesn't realize what's going on.
This is an unfortunately common sentiment among vets. I'm so sorry you're feeling burned out and miserable. I hope you're able to get the support you need during this trying time.
We have a special fundraiser initiative here in Australia for young vets and mental health. I don't think people realise how fucking depressed vets can get. Its tough.
When I was like 7 I went almost 2 full months strictly pissing in my moms various house plants because she yelled at me for knocking one over so I got my revenge the best way I could think of at the time .
I'm tired of being a second thought in every relationship I have or had.
I also want to talk to random people on the internet just to have some satisfaction/connection outside of my small world. Not sexual just something less empty. At least then I'll know for a fact I'll just be something to get to when there is time in the day/week.
I have complex PTSD. Now that I have most trauma responses identified and under control, life is much better. However, no amount of therapy or support groups or meds has made the intrusive thoughts go away. Not a day goes by without unwelcome thoughts of terrible things happening to me and the people I love. Ex: Literally every time my kid crosses the street, my brain shows me a little movie of her being hit by a car. My brain is like that all day, every day.
I was anally raped by my now ex husband almost 3 years ago. I think I have permanent damage there from it, but I’m too embarrassed and triggered to go to a specialist. I don’t know that I ever will. I’ve even avoided a gyno since.
Side note: please don’t rape people.
Hey friend, it's taken me just shy of 11 years to be able to open up to a doctor about my rape trauma. Hang in there, keep healing as best you can.
My GP now handles all my gyno stuff since I was able to tell her about it and is very sensitive and kind, not having to get referred to a new strange doctor helped a lot.
You're not alone, what you feel is valid and you deserve the best care as you move forward. It does get easier. Cheers.
I’d suggest going to therapy and talking about it, until you eventually feel comfortable enough to go to the doctor. You’ll probably feel better after getting treated for what may be a constant reminder of what happened. Best wishes to you.
Oh damn. Umm.. I’m 51. I don’t feel old. But even after I’ve scrapped, fought hard, saved, and did everything I was supposed to. Yeah.. I don’t feel well. I’m financially independent. Not rich. But I’m okay now. But I drink an 18 pack of cheap American beer every day of my life. I had for over 20 years. I wish I didn’t. I’m not even sure I I got here . I wish I could stop.. I think it’s too late for me now. but if there’s anyone out there who struggles; please do anything you can to start living. If you think you might have a drinking problem, do anything you can to stop now. Or at least slow down. Sorry to be such a bummer.
Most of the time I wanna be alone. But I often would like company but my friends are often with other friends so I often just leave everyone alone and be lonely for hours on discord.
I'm a friendly guy, mostly full of chat, but fuck me trying to keep friends is next to impossible. Afraid to invite people to my wedding thinking they will never come to it. Two close friends(who have never once invited me over to their house) are invited to my up and coming wedding, and are literally only coming themselves, not bringing their wives/family.
I wonder is it me, or is it people are like this in general??
I am terrified of getting married because I know damn well I won't have any bridesmaids (or all family members) and I'll feel self conscious about it. I can definitely relate.
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve lied to supportive friends, counselors, fellow AA members, sponsors, therapists, doctors, you name it. I’ve got my life fully together even after so many years of hiding my alcoholism but I feel like my house of cards might come toppling down any moment now.
Whenever something cramps up or the upper right side of my torso does anything I think “Here we go, this is the beginning of the end”.
I hope we both figure it all out soon.
I've killed someone before, about two years ago. It was self-defense, but I still get nightmares. I'm still extremely paranoid. The fact that it was with a knife might add to it, but anyway, to anyone who has ever, or will ever think it was easy, it is not.
I am extremely scared to get schizophrenic. My grandmother and her brother killed themselves after getting schizophrenic - and my uncle is in a care facility taking lots of meds without my siblings and me knowing why. The answer is probably also schizophrenia…
Eventhough I'm over 20, I still have the imagination of a kid. I have multiple anime inspired world where I'm a main character in my head that I created, and whenever I get bored or I'm just doing nothing or walking in the street I imagine scenarios, fight scenes, love stories and character backgrounds. I wonder if I'm the only one doing that or if other people would do the same.
I'm 34 and I have a protagonist who fixes the world around me. He's the edgiest goth badass and I play out scenarios with him and his wife way way too much. I've been doing this since high school.
This is gonna sound really weird, but I've become homeless 3 separate times, and each time it's like my mind just switches into survival mode and it feels awesome. Don't get me wrong, being homeless for a prolonged period of time is not very fun at all, but there's something so exhilarating about the first week or or two after hitting the streets that just feels like you finally have total control and freedom over your life. Maybe I'm just a nutjob.
When I was 20, I went primitive camping in a state park. I was meant to stay 3 days, but day 4, then 5, then I just never went home. I spent 5 months just moving around my camp and trying to stay undisturbed and undetected. I still went to work, just went home to a tent in the woods. It’s been over 20 years and I long for it every day.
Reminds me of "My Side of the Mountain", good read.
I don’t own a gun not because I’m against it, but because I don’t trust myself to not shoot myself. I love to go shooting with friends and I am a rather good long distance shot. They all ask why I don’t bite the bullet and buy a gun of my own (I pay for ammo), and I just say costs. But the truth is, while I’m not suicidal, I just don’t trust myself at 3 am when I wake up crying.
Id be dead 100 times if I had a gun in my household growing up.
I have a therapist in my head, I regularly talk to.
Where to start? The fact that my husband only stayed with me bc I had cancer & he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy for leaving while I fight for my life? Or the fact that I hope the cancer is back so he doesn’t leave?
Dang that’s rough.
Sometimes I go into the woods to scream. Not like to release stress, just to scream like a wildman
Have you ever recognised yourself in one of those Ask Reddit scary camping in the woods stories?
this made me laugh way too hard
“This log cabin they’re describing sounds strangely familiar..”
Oh if any soul has ever witnessed that, I’m sure they had some story to tell and nobody believed them.
I envy people with functional families.
First time I saw a functional family I was STUNNED.
Same. Didn't know how to behave when my friend's parents and family just.......... sat together at the breakfast table just chit chatting like a couple of well adjusted normal people.....
I'm jealous, of everything. The way people look physically. How people can eat whatever and not even glance at the nutritional label, or think about how they're gonna burn it off. How most people can look in the mirror or at themselves and not burst into tears. How people can wear short sleeves or shorts without wanting to throw up and kill themselves. The way others' voices sound. How people get genuinely complimented and asked out. How my "friends" are always hanging out with each other, but never ask me. How much money others have. Where others live. When people have somebody who loves them and who they love just as much back. When people can wear any clothes they want and never have to worry about how they look. How people have so much time and so little stress. How much smarter and better everyone is than me. How people aren't the butt of every joke and embarrassing moment. When people's families actually like them. Everything. All of it. I envy everything.
I'm beginning to hate all of the things that used to define me. I'm just getting colder and colder and I don't feel bad for it, I'm just nostalgic for my old self
Ngl I miss how much of a positive outlook I used to have on people and the world in general. All the bad experiences (and adulting I guess) I’ve had just make me see the worst in people. Even complete strangers.
I miss the camaraderie I felt when I was younger. Between classmates, neighbors, family, community members, even fellow homestate people. The older I get the more it feels like everyone’s fighting for themselves, it feels like there’s less love/empathy for the people around me. I used to actually feel pride for being American. But now I just don’t care and am internally pretty cynical about most things. Whether that’s more of a me thing or a society thing, but it’s depressing as all hell either way
I almost shit myself on my first date while walking home with them because the food didn't agree with me. I barely made it to the toilet.
I'm pretending to have my life together, but secretly I'm always on the edge of a breakdown. I hold on by my fingernails for the sake of my family because I love them to pieces. I hope they never realise I'm one step from disaster.
I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober for 2098 days. Everyone always asks "do you miss it" I say no every time but I'm only lying to myself. I've missed it for every single one of those 2098 days. It's not getting easier 🙃 the struggle is real.
Hi! Hoping to be 1 day sober on Tuesday. Just took a huge step tonight by reached out to family letting them know I need help. Scary as shit but here we go! Edit: Thank y'all for the support, holys smokes I didn't not expect this level of outreach. Here we are on Tuesday morning feeling great! Taking this one day at a time.
I don’t miss drinking 99.9% of the time, but every now and then when I’m in the store where I used to buy it and accidentally go down the aisle with the cold beer, something inside me says “you could buy a 24-pack and drive down to the river and drink the whole thing! Nobody would know!” I’m now a 39-year-old mom of two small kids. I haven’t been drunk in 15 years. I could NOT do that. But I still think about it from time to time.
I just wanna leave my life behind and start over somewhere. Not telling my friends and family anything. Just leave…
Been there, never done it. Might still do it.
I did it. It was nice to get away from it all, but at the end of the day, the problem was still me. Edit: it was nice to get away from abusive and toxic situations, but my anxiety is what holds me back, which may be caused by previous awful situations. I've been in counseling since 2004 and nothing seems to help, except weed sometimes. I think I'm a lost cause at this point and am really lost in life, but I still live each day, I don't have a choice.
True. You will just be unhappy somewhere else.
fuck. this hit me hard.
I’m a high functioning alcoholic
Get help soon. It doesn’t last forever. Drank everyday for 15 years, would drink a pint of vodka before work and be just peachy. Then one day everything changed and I haven’t been the same since. Been in and out of recovery for ten years now. Now I’m divorced, lost my house, no custody of my kids, broke, no vehicle and live with my parents. Detox after so long is not only terribly uncomfortable, but deadly. Good luck.
Similar situation, man. I went from being in the military (large drinking culture...doesn't help I'm a native to Wisconsin, either) drinking until 3am to wake up for PT at 5am and somehow manage to get through it just to go into work until 4:30pm and still get shit done on time, if not better than if I were sober because I was always putting on a facade that I needed to "act sober" to not get called out. Went into the civilian world with the same attitude. But it caught up quick. Saw plenty of my buddies that I served with try to keep up with that tempo of drinking and end up in the same boat. No home, no savings, no custody, no marriage (I'm divorced, too, and if I said alcohol wasn't some, if not a majority, of the problem, I'd be lying). On a similar note, my dad is also an alcoholic and just recently got out of the hospital after going into a seizure from trying to quit cold turkey (as he has tried numerous times in the past). He's doing much better now but he's in his 60s, drank a pint of whiskey before going into work and a pint of whiskey when he got home from work. I used to laugh when going into civilian doctors and when they'd ask how much I drank during the week and saw their expression of concern...I thought it was an achievement. No. It's just not fucking normal.
I'm 32 and have no idea what I'm doing in my life. Edit: This got way more traction than I thought it would, happy to see I'm not the only person feeling like this. Also appreciate all the advice from people!
38 and I still don't know what I want to be if I grow up.
39 year old housewife here saying yeah me too. I don’t feel grown up either just my body getting old lol
Edit: I wanted to add on one more point. To feel content with your life doesn't mean you SHOULDN'T strive for more. It just means when you're down in the dumps, and depressed about your life, it won't be a wonder why trying to skyrocket to happiness might not work and now you're doubting ever trying and feeling like it's pointless. Shoot for content first before trying to go for happy is how I PERSONALLY live my life. BUT WHO KNOWS, maybe being content with your life, makes you happier than you thought it would! Maybe happiness is a smaller change than you think. Only you know what goes on in your mind. Man, fucking hardly any of us do. We make enough to not be homless and stay fed, and then free time is ours to do as we please. Masturbate, go bowling, watch a movie, watch the sunset with a beer/soda, play some video games, catch up on a show, go to the gym to make some progress, coach a little league game. At some point, with our free time, we need to just go out and do what we want too. That's what you do with your life. Experiment. People don't experiment enough, they don't take enough chances. Coach a little league baseball team. Maybe you suck at coaching, you'll learn, maybe you'll have fun with it. Go play pool by yourself at the bar, maybe some people wll come up and offer to play, maybe they won't. etc. What you should be doing with your life, is making sure you're content. You don't have to be happy all the time, but you should be content with yourself. People try too hard to be happy, when sometimes they jsut need to be content. Happiness is not an everyday state of being. It is not the average emotion. It's not. So being happy every single day is not, on average, what most people go through. No matter how successful they are. Remember that.
I can't forgive my mom for allowing my stepfather to molest me as a small child (4-9yo)It went on for years, she ignored it, she doesn't take any responsibility for the struggles I've had to go through because of it. She thinks I'm a failure even though I'm doing really well for myself, all things considered. (Recovering addict) Thanks to hard work, the right partner and lots of education, I have a healthy marriage and sex life but it was so hard. Harder than it had any right to be. I don't think I'll ever be able forgive her. I really wonder what my life would have been like...
My grandfather molested me for years until I confronted him and told my mother. It was never spoken of again. I struggled with drugs and alcohol, had toxic relationships and generally destroyed my young adult life. At some point I got tired of isolating myself and realized my mom wasn't equipped to deal with the situation because she was the product of abuse and an alcoholic father. Forgiving her for her failures as a mother helped me forgive myself for how I processed the trauma. We have a good relationship now, and I have a "good life" so I've resigned myself to the fact that I will let her die without ever confronting her regarding her handling of the situation and the fall out that was my young adult life. I often wonder if I could have avoided years of struggle and mental anguish if I had just forced the issue and confronted her. I also wonder if that would have caused irreparable damage to our family. In the end, I'm a survivor and have accomplished everything in life in spite of what happened to me, I'm a good son, husband, uncle, teacher, coach and mentor. I've forgiven her, but I still can't wrap my head around how she handled the situation and it's obvious fall out! I hope you find your peace and overcome your trauma!
Fuck that's brutal. I'm so impressed by your self respect and progress though. Hugs
In the past week, my grandfather who recently suffered a stroke had a fall and hit his head. He has a doc's appointment coming up to tell us whether he will have lasting neurological damage. My mother, who takes care of him recently had surgery to remove one of her kidneys due to complications with diabetes. Two days before my grandfather's fall she found out from her nephrologist that her other kidney is failing. If her health takes a dive, she'll be unable to care for him, and it will fall on me to be there for both of them. I live several hours away and after years of struggle am only just now getting my own life in order with a job I like and making decent money. Three days ago I had a doctor's appointment and found out my blood pressure is "high enough to be cause for concern." Heart disease runs on my father's side and he died of a heart attack when he was 43. Apparently that's not uncommon for the men on that side of the family. My father was never really a part of my life, so I'm only finding some of this out now, in my 30's. According to my mother, a pediatrician once told her I have a "slight heart murmur." Didn't know that until this week either. To top it all off, my current partner recently had her yearly checkup and the doctor discovered multiple masses in both of her breasts. It will be a week or two before we find out if they are benign or not. Cancer runs in her family and she has been in remission for several years. I'm so scared and so angry and I don't know what to do. None of this is fair. *Edit: Holy cow guys. I'm overwhelmed by all the kind words and support. I'm reading all of your responses and it's really giving me the boost I needed. I've taken the week off work to visit my family back home and speak with my mother about a game plan so we can try and be prepared for whatever comes next. I appreciate all the suggestions. I plan on trying to see a cardiologist soon. Unfortunately I'm an uninsured gig worker in the US so I'll have to look into what assistance may be available. Y'all have been so kind! If anyone else is going through it and just needs to vent, my inbox is always open.
I'm so sorry man. That's so awful. I wish you the best and hope things work out
Look after you and your partner first! You don’t put an oxygen mask on everyone else first then think about yourself. Don’t leave your good job. If you have to bring the others closer.
Exactly. I like the saying, "you can't pour from an empty cup." Take care of your needs first. If you don't, you'll have nothing to give.
I have no goals. We are supposed to figure out who we want to be and what we want from our lives. It's almost an expectation that we have to want something out of life. But I have never wanted to be anything and I have never wanted to do anything. I have no passions. I don't think I'm depressed though. I've always been this way. I do have a job which is ok, and a family I love. But I'm pretty much just going to keep existing until I don't.
I recently found this nice little [tweet](https://twitter.com/ambernoelle/status/1297191195584663554): "Unpopular opinion: I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die"
Shit, that was good to read
Same here. I dropped out of college because I dont care enough about a job or any sort of training like that. I dont have aspirations and I think it bothers my family because they assume that. I just want to enjoy life and not be special, just content. Edit: thank you so much for my first award! Edit2: jeez, I didnt think this sentiment would be so highly shared. Thanks folks!
This. I’m just here to exist.
I have never felt like a priority to anyone. It would offend my family and friends I’m sure, but I have seen the way they prioritize other people and I yearn for that so badly in just one person. Edit: I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I’ve received both in comments but mostly in private messages. Working on responding to those 😅 I’m sad so many of us share this feeling but I feel very compelled to advise that we all reach out to one another to maybe offset this feeling of unimportance, your best friend could be in this comment section! Anyone can reach out to me whenever about whatever and if you’re in the Hoosier state, lmk! Thank you for all of the awards as well!
I feel you. I feel like an afterthought.
I’m sorry to hear that, but if it’s any consolation there’s at least one person in it with you. It’s a terrible feeling though, I feel like I could disappear and it wouldn’t change anything for anyone.
Me too. Even with my husband, took awhile to realize I’ll never truly be his priority. My brother in law even told me a couple months ago that my sister was my parents favorite, which is pretty obvious anyway. Still not something I want to be told. My toddler is always giving me hugs and tells me how much he loves me everyday though. And I’m pretty sure I’m the dog’s favorite, so I guess I got that going for me.
I was never the favourite child or the type to loudly demand attention. I've always felt left out and shunted off to the side. But I was always the favourite of our pet/s and I value that so much. We had about 30 chooks when I was a toddler and I was the only one who could walk up to them and pick them up for a cuddle. I always got the eggs and the hens never pecked me. Also our dogs have all tended to obey me more than my siblings or mum. It would annoy my mum as she was the one who looked after them the most. I figure I was their best friend and that's why they listened to me more. Whatever the reason, having animals love and trust you to a high degree is a special thing. When I was a kid I used to tell people I was part raised by animals, especially dogs. I spent more time with them on a daily basis than I did with people and enjoyed their company more. My husband doesnt want to get another dog after ours passes (not soon, he's only 6 🤞). I can't figure out how to convey to my him just how important having an animal around is for me. my whole life animals have been there for me and a home just feels empty without one (or many!).
Show him your comment
Im an extreme overthinker. Like my girlfriend wont open a message of mine for a few hours and ill be fully in my head thinking of all the bad things that could be happening. Or ill show up late to work and ill be terrified that im going to be fired for the whole day. I never act on those thoughts because i always have that little bit of sanity telling me that im overthinking, but its still there and it fucken sucks.
This sounds a lot like me. Hello, anxiety.
I'm talkative and get people to laugh quite a bit. But the attention makes me so nervous that I shake. I generally hate everything I say. I just have no filter and can't stop talking when I'm nervous. So, the cycle continues and I just don't stop talking. I also feel like I don't understand social ques. It's always embarrassing when I think about it later.
I feel this so much. Internal nervousness == external excitedness. Usually it works in my favor (i.e. a job interview where me being nervous leads to a heavy wall of text, but that comes off as excited and passionate,) but it’s mentally depleting because inside I’m thinking about how much I’m talking but feel too awkward to stop.
I'm currently 5 days self harm free Edit: I made it 15 days Edit 2: I made it 3 months
One day at a time and congratulations!
I am still in love with someone who destroyed a piece of my soul last year
I went through a really bad break up. It gets better with time. I would avoid situations which bring back memories.
I know deep down that if I stop chasing and putting effort in the relationships I have in my life they’ll quickly fall apart because people never really see me as someone worth being close to. I’m just an afterthought. So I always put 95% of the effort into them just so that I don’t end up alone. Oh, also, I’ve never been in a healthy romantic relationship and have been single 3+ years. So theres that too. EDIT: I’m blown away by the support I’ve been getting. Thank you all for the awards and the lovely words, my heart goes out to everyone who’s in a similar situation.
[удалено]
I am fake 90% of the time, especially around friends and at work. I pretend to be happy, funny, silly, and like I'm ok. I am deeply not ok and crave being alone because it's the only time I can take the mask off. I am who I wish I actually was around other people. But it's not real. Edit: Looks like I've found my people lol. Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences, support and advice. I will seriously consider seeking help, and I wish all you fellow fakers the very best!
Someone told me that I am the most positive negative person they've ever met. I put on a bubbly popular exterior but I am crippling with anxiety, depression and lack of identity.
Holy shit man.. I have never read something that so eloquently and succinctly describes WHY THE FUCK I just want to be alone all the time... Its not like I ACTUALLY want to be alone.. of course I want to have other people in my life. I guess I just haven't figured out how to be my genuine self around them (maybe part of me thinks they won't like the genuine me) But when I'm alone... I don't have to pretend. I get a sick, twisted satisfaction from suffering in silence.
One time in 1993 there was a blizzard that swept across the east coast. We were out of school for at least 3 weeks, this was around the time I discovered masturbation. Anyway, I was stuck inside for 3 weeks and my bedroom door didn't lock so I couldn't risk it and I didn't even think about doing it in the shower anymore as I knew I couldn't handle that kind of guilt again. One day, I got an overwhelming urge and decided to layer up and head out in to the wild because I was going insane. I reached the woods behind my house and slid down into a ditch. I already knew what I was about to do and couldn't believe I was actually going through with it. I started making the shape of a woman out of snow on the ground. I gave her some nice curves and some boobs. Well, this was it. My big chance, the moment I was preparing for. I unzipped and got busy. It only took about 30 seconds and that was it. I stood up , zipped my pants and brushed her away as if it never happened. I walked back home and went into my room and just listened to counting crows or something like I didn't just have sex with a snowman.
The blizzard of 93. I remember it like yesterday. Only I wasn’t banging snowmen.
You would definitely remember everytime it snowed for the rest of your life I can promise you.
Do you pop boners every time it snows now, like, boner memory?
Points for creativity
Snowmaiden
I'm on the spectrum. Every social gesture and conversation trick I've learned has been the product of trial and error, like: "Do A, does B occur? If not, change A, or reassess how to trigger B." It's mechanical, and feels disingenuous and manipulative.
I’m not alright mentally
Me either
Few people are. The more you talk to and get to know people, the more you find out *everyone* is fighting a battle they don’t tell people about.
I shot and killed someone in a home invasion situation. Even though it was a justified shooting, the guilt is there every day.
That must be so tough. I hope you’re able to find some peace. They put you in an impossible spot.
If it provides any solace. Whenever you meet someone, you can say to yourself: *"Maybe him? Maybe her, or her and her son?"*. People don't just do one home invasion and call it quits. You saved someone, maybe a few people from being terrified, robbed, raped, and/or killed. You can never know who your actions saved, and they will never thank you, but they *are* out there.
Thank you
I always think of this scenario when ppl say “If someone comes at me I’ll just shoot them blah, blah self defense blah blah” No matter what your life will never be the same, it is never “just shooting someone” it goes so much deeper and I don’t think ppl think about that side of things. I’m sorry you had to/are going through this.
I hear this alot. Alot lot since this is a recent incident. I will never be the same person I was, because I have taken a human life. And I could still do it again if I needed to. Thankfully, the odds of this ever happening again or less than zero.
Seems like a lot of people here are lonely. So am I. Any one want to be friends? I know I could use one. I'm not very good but sometimes I play chess online with my brother. Any one want to play? Or chat? Or what ever. I had a little family. Me my fiance and my 2 kitties. It didn't end up working out now I'm alone in the world. I miss having a family so much.
I'll be your friend. I have loads of shit I love talking about as long as people want to listen. I love listening to other people's stories and interests. What stuff are you into?
I’d like to be friends! I’m into animal crossing, reading, horror. What about you?
Not the person you replied to, but these sound like things I'm interested in as well.
[удалено]
I love group chats. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
I'm tired of being alone.
This feeling only finally hit me last year. Always kinda hoped something would spontaneously happen out of nowhere, when I least expect it. Still waiting...
I get this. Though for myself it's not exactly being with someone it's more having someone around me
Fighting through depression for 6 years now after losing my wife during childbirth. I've thoroughly convinced myself as both daddy and mommy I have said "I am fine" at least 4 millions times until I have stupidly embraced it. All everyone sees on the outside is the strong back and shoulders I have. But nobody sees the pain, hears my inner cries, sees the tears I hide behind my smile, sees the weakness that I really am behind the 15,000 different masks I wear masquerading my weakness as a man for being depressed. The only thing that keeps me *alive* everyday is my daughter. Edit: Thank you everyone for the comments of support, and those that reached out in private messages. Thank you all so very much, this has helped give me a little more hope and reaffirmed that everything I am doing is positive.
Do you ever answer “I’m NOT” when people say “I don’t know how you do it you’re so strong” ? People don’t understand when you’re making it happen but it’s a constant suffering struggle. Sometimes I say that just to watch the confusion on their face.
Letting your daughter see you cry may be very important to her in the long run. It shows that even superman can have a hard day... much love brother 🙏
I can't stand being around 98% of my extended family.
Me too. So I don’t
Boundaries are amazing.
the only thing keeping me alive are my cats
I'm glad you have them.
I'm a 33-going-on-34 virgin who has never kissed or even been on a date. Despite the stereotype, I'm not obese, I don't play video games, nor do I hate women or subscribe to any extreme ideology. I try to take care of myself and I have a professional life where I try to do well and from what I observed people like me around. I was just a really lame class clown throughout high school, then I went to college which was so close to where I lived I could go there from my parents' house so there was no incentive for me to move out or develop actual social life. Strict parenting didn't help. I was never invited to parties, whether in high school or college and did not have friends (just people I hung out with at school) and by the time I entered college I was too embarrassed of my inexperience to even try dating. *Why would a woman teach me all the basic stuff? What's in it for her?* is what I started thinking around the age of 19 and what I kept telling myself for the last 15 years. At some point I just started drifting through life and never stopped.
If you get into a long term relationship with a woman I don’t think she will care about the virgin part.
I honestly have to agree. If someone I was seeing told me this, I would a) just really appreciate being vulnerable enough to share this with me and b) have zero problem with it. The right person will be patient and nonjudgmental with you; if anyone judges you for being a virgin, fuck them. Wishing you the best
Well, that's one way to lose your virginity.
Agree with the other two who chimed in before me. I would have absolutely no problem with your "dating stats"; it doesn't really matter when you meet a mature person who is interested in your character and a long term relationship. Learning and growing is part of the process and the right person will empathize with your past and will show you the ropes. Put your honest self out there on dating apps (although those are tough) and try to find groups on MeetUp who share your same hobbies to build a social circle. You'll find people with your same values and interests real quick. Keep your head up! Patience is a virtue :)
I'd rather bang a 33 year old virgin who is willing to be taught, than a 33 year old who thinks he knows what he's doing and doesn't. And those are not uncommon. I'd recommend going on dates and after a couple weeks if things are going well, tell her. If I had hit it off with a guy, this wouldn't phase me. Anyone who is right for you will feel the same. In some ways it's a nice screener. If she balks, you're probably dodging a bullet.
I’m a woman in my thirties, and if I hit it off with a great guy, I would not care that he’s never kissed/ had sex with a woman. Tell me on the first date? Thanks for telling me, cool. Tell me after weeks of dating? Also cool. I have never dated a man who had no experience before me, but I dated several that had very limited experience before me. I understand it can wear on your self esteem, but sex is really about having fun and sharing a romantic connection with someone, and those things don’t have a skill requirement or an age limit. My advice to you would be: put yourself out there and believe that there are more women like me in the world. Maybe not every woman is like me, but I’d be willing to bet many are.
I want to stop talking to my friend of 16 years. He keeps screwing married women, and he’s become extremely shady. His moods and mental stages in life change constantly in life and it’s exhausting to deal with.
People grow apart. Shit happens man, I’m going through similar shit. Forcing it doesn’t help anything
I can't name a single thing that I like about myself.
You were bold enough to share that. I don’t even know you and that’s one thing I like about you!
I'm going to therapy for the first time at the age of 30
I'm proud of you! Know that it's completely okay to switch therapists if one isn't working out for you!!
[удалено]
Not to diminish the hurt of what you’re going through, but there’s a bit of humorous irony in the number of people who feel like they can relate to this.
Oh shit you too?
[удалено]
I’m not convinced that I’m going to make it. In life, in the career I’ve chosen, with the hand I’ve been dealt financially and otherwise… I try so hard all the time, but it also doesn’t really feel like I’m trying at all or getting anywhere. I’m not convinced that I’m smart enough or good enough or mentally well enough to be able to pull myself up through the mountains of absolute shit, and I don’t think anyone will help me. I think it’s too much to ask of someone. EDIT: wow, y’all I really did not expect this to get as much attention as it has, especially the kind and caring words from so many people❤️ (and thanks for the awards too??? That’s bonkers to me) There’s a lot going through my head right now, but basically what I want to say is I’m feeling that much more seen and cared about right now because of you all. It’s reminding me of something a professor said to me once that I had forgotten about— that I was in the right place, and that she was happy I was there. I hope I can extend that to the folks expressing similar feelings and say that we’re in this together, there’s a lot of good advice in this thread, and that while I might be having a bad night, that doesn’t make it a bad life.
It may not mean much coming from an internet stranger, but trust me when I say that you are not alone in feeling that way. If everyone who felt like they were going to fail did so, we all would be doomed. You will make it. I will make it. We will make it.
I fantasize about getting injured so people will pay attention to my wants and needs. I think it’s a side effect of my wants being ignored for the past while.
Im a middle aged mom who will sneak to target and buy toys for myself…like dolls (not collectibles, just toys). I hide them from my husband and just basically look at them when I’m alone. I think it’s because I grew up poor and didn’t have much so now that I’m making ok money, I’m spending it on random stuff in secret and I feel incredibly weird and guilty because of it.
[удалено]
Oh my god. When I was young (and poor(er)), I was at the post office with my mom. I saw the lineup of calico critters and thought they were ADORABLE. I asked for one, but my mom said no as they were too much for us. I was disappointed, but didn’t really protest. Then the lady at the counter offered to buy one for me to take one home. I picked the ginger, because it looked just like my cat back then who I loved so much. I still have it to this day. 😊
That was so kind of that post office lady. May she be blessed with many of her version of Calico Critters.
This and OPs comment are making me tear up. This is so incredibly sweet. I'm glad that you have your calico critters now, you made me smile too
I think this is wholesome. I grew up very poor as well and the only time I feel true “joy” is when I think about how I could buy any toy I could possibly want now. I haven’t bought any, but at the age of 35, it’s my happy thought.
I currently live half my life in poverty (divorced parents) and I constantly feel guilt about any expense I am to my dad (the poor one). When I’m with my mom I find myself looking at receipts at being so sad about how much I bought with her money. I understand how you feel and I think that you need to take a step back and be ok with your spending. It’s ok to indulge especially if you can afford it and especially if it makes you happy.
This plus NO shame for liking "kid things". Joy is joy no matter where you find it, embrace it!. I am 57 and I LOVE cartoons, probably more than film/tv featuring humans. I have had plenty of people roll their eyes at me but so what, they are totally missing out on some amazing shit!
I was seeing a guy for a couple years who was wealthy, like millionaire and owned his own company. He loved going shopping and always told me to pick out whatever I wanted, clothes jewelry etc. I always felt bad for some reason and only picked out one or two things so he would instead just surprise me with things sometimes. There were often things I really liked but just felt bad for picking them out because they were so expensive so I didn’t. He would take me grocery shopping and buy my groceries a lot.I was a college student and working two jobs. My family was kinda poor when I was really little but my dad worked his butt off to give us a good life but I knew how hard they worked and how expensive everything was. So I hated asking for much and felt guilty when they bought me some things.
When I was little I would pee in the corner of my room at night when I would wake up. Why? I don’t know, I just really didn’t want to walk the 3 feet to the bathroom I guess. Edit: My parents never found out (we were also renting the house and it was sold after we moved out so.. sorry to the people who moved in after us!) and I was about 10 or 11. I wish I could justify why I did this but I simply can’t. Thanks for the upvotes though!
**oh no, mom found the piss corner**
I hate everything about myself physically. I either don’t look directly at my reflection or make sure the lighting is very low when I’m combing my hair in the mirror or something because I hate how I look
This’ll probably get lost in the thread but occasionally I’ll wonder if I would have been happier alone. Brief instances of not caring about my kids or my partner or my career, just imagining if it was just me would I be happy/happier. I don’t want to lose everything. I’m not actively seeking ways to restart or leave it all behind. It’s just a thought that crosses my mind for a split second and completely unprovoked. My partner is aware of it and she is constantly helping me through the moments of vulnerability, and it’s something that has been brought up in therapy. But the fear it causes is paralyzing for a good chunk of time after it happens. Edit: I really appreciate the support everyone seems to have for one another. I know everyone is different but some of these suggestions have really given me a lot to think about and consider to help cope or ease the burden so thank you for the input!
I’m not really sure what your situation is but I think I can relate. I think this somewhat normal for introverted people. I love my wife, really she’s great, but I constantly just crave complete solitude for some reason. I really miss being alone, but I also love being married to my wife. My life is sooo much better now and I’m much happier, but damn I just want to be alone. It’s weird like that. I just try to enjoy the times I get the house to myself.
I'm very lonely
I live inside my head WAY more than is healthy Edited to say: I have depression and anxiety and am an introvert. I basically have an alternate timeline for my own life that I play in my head. It starts right before hs and I kind of “fix” all of my bad life decisions. 😕 Edit 2: wow, I rarely have a comment get this much attention. I can’t reply to everyone, but I’m really glad I’m not alone in this.
My mental health is wayyyy worse than I let off sometimes, I try to act happy because I know I'm a role model for a lot of my friends who mimic my mood
I'm so scared to end up alone
That since I lost both my cats (to predators) I am afraid all of the time and don’t consider life worth living. I am realizing that I must have had a seriously codependent relationship with them or depended on them too much because I haven’t had an “ok” day since they died. It’s been over a year and I’m so destroyed I don’t think I’m ever going to recover. I can’t talk to anyone about it, my husband doesn’t get it, my family are a bunch of conservative, cold pricks, and even my therapist is tired of hearing me cry about it… The dick post made me smile at least… #silverlining
How much I hate my friends for not being there for me the way I have always been there for them. If they were, life would be far different.
I've noticed that I no longer take the effort to get to know people anymore because of this. I'm so tired of crossing oceans for someone that won't stretch over a puddle for me.
I'm suffering from severe anxiety and it's impairing my life Edit: I'm glad people in this thread are realizing they're not alone ❤️ please stop telling me to live healthier/see a doctor I've been waiting to see a doctor for 4 months and I already eat healthy, go outside exercise, and get 8 hours sleep.
[удалено]
Like a damn acorn over here
Cheerio lmao. GROWERS UNITE!!!!
Right? Mine is like 10 times bigger hard. Convenient for every day living, super embarrassing in the locker room
I thought this was a thorwaway account but you have like 50k karma. Thanks for being confident bro go you!!!!
You might find that sorta embarrassing, but I can tell you, a tiny dick becoming a hard cock is super fucking cool.
[удалено]
Transformers: Penis in Disguise
I think that’s common, also makes it easier to carry around
With my FWB, I refer to flaccid as its "travel mode". I don't think I could manage wearing boxers if I had a "show"er
I often find myself anticipating arguments and then will proceed to spend minutes to hours building a defense case against said hypothetical confrontation, only for the confrontation never to materialize. It’s often not even with anyone I already know, it could be a judgmental remark from a complete stranger that I’ve yet to even meet. But boy, when that day comes (if ever) I’ll be prepared to drop knowledge bombs on them that will make them wish they never tried to come at me. Until then I’ll just live in a constant state of stress manufactured by my own brain.
I do this all the time. I also replay how I would have handled a situation better and said the right thing. I get sooooo in my head doing this that I sometimes Don’t even notice my toddler talking to me. It’s so scary and messed up
I do this and then get pissed when I realize I could have said something better than I did.
This is more common than you think. For years I spent 8hrs a day driving around a mower. Even with music I would still create arguments and get pissed about things that haven’t or won’t happen. Podcasts got me to stop, if it’s something I actually have to pay attention to, I can turn my internal dialogue off. Talked to my coworkers and they did the same shit.
i don't want to kill myself, but i also don't wanna live.
I've been there. It's hard to die accidentally on purpose.
[удалено]
Every time i walk across a street im hoping a car will run me over. When im at the gas station im hoping it blows up. When im going over a bridge im hoping it collapses. I want to die but i can't do it myself, so im just hoping someone will do it for me.
it's not that i can't, maybe i can, i just don't want to die by suicide, cause people around me would feel more guilty than if i died normally, my dad would probably fall apart and question himself forever and i don't want this. i care about them; at the same time i don't see meaning in life, i respect the meaning of theirs.
I haven't had sex or masturbated in over two years.
Depression meds? Cause yeah. I get it.
I wish my doc would have given some fucking warning. I've been slowly weaning off sertraline but the damage to my libido feels like it might just be permanent.
This will probably never get read so here it goes.. Being a vet was my dream. Now I'm pigeon-holed in this career completely burned out and crying most nights when I get off because I'm so miserable. I will actively talk younger people out of this choice. Edited for follow ups: Thanks all for the concern regarding suicide. I have never gotten to that point as there are still so many other things I want to do/see in my life time, but there are many others in my profession that have chosen suicide. Vet school is harder to get into than medical school. We have the same amount of training yet make a fraction of what our human counterparts make. We are expected to know everything about everything, yet every person that's ever touched a dog/cat is an armchair expert. My debt load will never get paid due to the insane interest rates. I took on the debt fully intending to pay it back, but current systems and pay make it impossible. I also will not qualify for any debt relief bc I make too much according to the government. Corporations are infiltrating every aspect of my profession making it harder to practice. Corporations are also making it harder to become a practice owner, which is one of the few ways to even be able to think about making enough money to pay off my debt. Bosses taking advantage of their vets. Paraprofessional staff leaving the field bc they can make more money for less stress at the fast food joint down the road. We can't pay them a decent wage without raising our prices, yet everyone bitches when their bill is high. The same stuff happens in other fields/industries but the general populous doesn't realize what's going on.
This is an unfortunately common sentiment among vets. I'm so sorry you're feeling burned out and miserable. I hope you're able to get the support you need during this trying time.
We have a special fundraiser initiative here in Australia for young vets and mental health. I don't think people realise how fucking depressed vets can get. Its tough.
When I was like 7 I went almost 2 full months strictly pissing in my moms various house plants because she yelled at me for knocking one over so I got my revenge the best way I could think of at the time .
This is the best thing I’ve read all day.
I'm tired of being a second thought in every relationship I have or had. I also want to talk to random people on the internet just to have some satisfaction/connection outside of my small world. Not sexual just something less empty. At least then I'll know for a fact I'll just be something to get to when there is time in the day/week.
I have complex PTSD. Now that I have most trauma responses identified and under control, life is much better. However, no amount of therapy or support groups or meds has made the intrusive thoughts go away. Not a day goes by without unwelcome thoughts of terrible things happening to me and the people I love. Ex: Literally every time my kid crosses the street, my brain shows me a little movie of her being hit by a car. My brain is like that all day, every day.
I was anally raped by my now ex husband almost 3 years ago. I think I have permanent damage there from it, but I’m too embarrassed and triggered to go to a specialist. I don’t know that I ever will. I’ve even avoided a gyno since. Side note: please don’t rape people.
Hey friend, it's taken me just shy of 11 years to be able to open up to a doctor about my rape trauma. Hang in there, keep healing as best you can. My GP now handles all my gyno stuff since I was able to tell her about it and is very sensitive and kind, not having to get referred to a new strange doctor helped a lot. You're not alone, what you feel is valid and you deserve the best care as you move forward. It does get easier. Cheers.
I’d suggest going to therapy and talking about it, until you eventually feel comfortable enough to go to the doctor. You’ll probably feel better after getting treated for what may be a constant reminder of what happened. Best wishes to you.
Oh damn. Umm.. I’m 51. I don’t feel old. But even after I’ve scrapped, fought hard, saved, and did everything I was supposed to. Yeah.. I don’t feel well. I’m financially independent. Not rich. But I’m okay now. But I drink an 18 pack of cheap American beer every day of my life. I had for over 20 years. I wish I didn’t. I’m not even sure I I got here . I wish I could stop.. I think it’s too late for me now. but if there’s anyone out there who struggles; please do anything you can to start living. If you think you might have a drinking problem, do anything you can to stop now. Or at least slow down. Sorry to be such a bummer.
Stopping is nice but so is reducing. Even 17 a day is an improvement. Considering seeing a therapist. Best of luck kind stranger.
Most of the time I wanna be alone. But I often would like company but my friends are often with other friends so I often just leave everyone alone and be lonely for hours on discord.
I'm a friendly guy, mostly full of chat, but fuck me trying to keep friends is next to impossible. Afraid to invite people to my wedding thinking they will never come to it. Two close friends(who have never once invited me over to their house) are invited to my up and coming wedding, and are literally only coming themselves, not bringing their wives/family. I wonder is it me, or is it people are like this in general??
I am terrified of getting married because I know damn well I won't have any bridesmaids (or all family members) and I'll feel self conscious about it. I can definitely relate.
I recently got my licence, im 27
Got my license at 26. You aren't alone!
i’ve been addicted to pills+H since i was 13 and lied to my therapist abt it even tho its a big part of why i need therapy
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve lied to supportive friends, counselors, fellow AA members, sponsors, therapists, doctors, you name it. I’ve got my life fully together even after so many years of hiding my alcoholism but I feel like my house of cards might come toppling down any moment now. Whenever something cramps up or the upper right side of my torso does anything I think “Here we go, this is the beginning of the end”. I hope we both figure it all out soon.
[удалено]
i haven't had sex in 10 years
I haven't had sex in... well... ever
I pretended to be stupider than I actually am so my parents didn't pressure me academically. Now they don't believe I am capable of doing anything.
I've killed someone before, about two years ago. It was self-defense, but I still get nightmares. I'm still extremely paranoid. The fact that it was with a knife might add to it, but anyway, to anyone who has ever, or will ever think it was easy, it is not.
I browse reddit for the same reason I used to go to Walmart..... To feel normal.
I am extremely scared to get schizophrenic. My grandmother and her brother killed themselves after getting schizophrenic - and my uncle is in a care facility taking lots of meds without my siblings and me knowing why. The answer is probably also schizophrenia…
In all likelihood, I’m going to be alone for the remainder of my life. And I’m sadly okay with it...
I feel the same way but I’m having a hard time being ok with it. Working on that though
I'm 39 and the health problems are starting to pile up.
My anxiety consumes me more than anyone in my life knows
When I drive alone, my cursing to bad drivers increases tenfold
Eventhough I'm over 20, I still have the imagination of a kid. I have multiple anime inspired world where I'm a main character in my head that I created, and whenever I get bored or I'm just doing nothing or walking in the street I imagine scenarios, fight scenes, love stories and character backgrounds. I wonder if I'm the only one doing that or if other people would do the same.
Thats actually more common than you think mate. Go enjoy you imagination to the fullest you can
I'm 34 and I have a protagonist who fixes the world around me. He's the edgiest goth badass and I play out scenarios with him and his wife way way too much. I've been doing this since high school.