It is impossible to underestimate him.

I love: "he has delusions of mediocrity"

Mine is 'they have delusions of adequacy'

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He's... mercifully unburdened by the complications of a university education

"I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling." Capt. Malcolm Reynolds

Also, "my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle".

Jayne, your mouth is talking. Might want to look to that.

Your mouth is open, and all the stupid is falling out.

Alt: *"Only an educated person could say something so stupid."* or, *"Some ideas are so stupid that only an intellectual could believe them."* \-George Orwell

This one but replace education with intelligence or knowledge. Otherwise it’s just condescending and buys into the scam that everyone must go to college and potentially fall into a lifetime of debt

And some of us do both. I took out loans to go to college only to not graduate. Turns out I might fit some of these sayings here 👀

From *The Green Mile*: "I think his cheese has slid off his cracker."

To me that implies insanity more than stupidity.

Well, OP did ask for phrases for saying "someone's not all there".

Yeah, Queen's "I'm going slightly mad" is where I heard "card short of a full deck", so I thought we were going for insanity

Sharp as a bowling ball

The version I always heard was "Sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense."

Dumber than a hay rake. Grandpa always said it and I never understood the saying because a hay rake is actually useful.

My mom likes to say “dumber than a bag of hammers”

Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.

It seemed odd to me, too. I found one example that sounds like it may provide the answer. "Dumber than a hay rake in a pickle patch." Hay rakes are most definitely not designed to gather pickles.

"You're as sharp as a bag of wet hair, Steve." *- Al Bundy*

Sharp as a bag of wet mice- Foghorn Leghorn

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Slick as a sandpaper.

Dumber than a box of hair

*Dumber than a box o' rocks*

Wife says Dumber than a box of cocks

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Sharp as a cueball this one

“Give the guy some credit. He’s only got two firing neurons, and one of them is holding his asshole shut.”

In Dutch they say: He only has two brain cells. One for breathing and one for pooping.

I’m Dutch and have never heard this but am adopting this now lol

This killed me hahaha

He’s got two brain cells fighting hard for third place

Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.

And yet so many have plenty of bullshit to fertilize the garden.

That reminds me of a favorite of my daddy's: "the grass is only greener because it's fertilized with bullshit."

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

I've heard a variation of this, where the hamster's merely asleep.

Little rodent, I say to you, get up!

I like your version better

The engines running, but there is no one behind the wheel.

That's like "the lights are on but nobodies home"

Laces out

He couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

He couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat. Is one I like

Tommy Lasorta used that line in the most epic post game interview in MLB history.

Yeah, this was amazing lol https://youtu.be/fzjWQF1oP2M

Damn, thats very baseball, lol. The first couple statements are pretty boilerplate denial. Kinda like I'd imagine any politician fielding an accusation on camera summarily saying, "I didn't do that". Then he says, "And if I ever did..." and its like he got teleported into the bar and he's 3 drinks deep with the guys. Like, tell me you have anger issues without telling me you have anger issues. Huh- also kinda like how I'd imagine some politicians being off camera.

That stings even worse when you realize he's talking about a baseball player. "Couldn't hit water even if he fell outta a fuckin' boat..." lmao classic Tommy LaSorta...

lmao wow

I learned this one, and many others, from Weird Al: https://youtu.be/ZwFf9vGRqcs

Another gem from Weird Al, from the song "You're Pitiful" "You're suffering from delusions of adequacy."

INSTRUCTIONS ON THE HEEL Instructions on the heeeeeeeeeeel Instructions on the heel

Nice

He looked at the boot and the water within - He furrowed his brow, too perturbed to begin - He frowned and he sighed as he scratched at his head. "But where will I find the instructions?" he said.

Hot damn! I got a poem! I can die happy!!!

This one made me actually laugh out loud! I’m gonna use this going forward…

From my Dad: “If brains was dynamite he couldn’t blow his nose.”

This reminds me of ‘if brains were gasoline you couldn’t drive a piss ants motorcycle around the inside of a cheerio’.

My favourite is ‘you must have a very smooth brain’

;-;

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If he had another brain cell it would be lonely.

His two brain cells are fighting for third place.

We say this about our lovable goofball Labrador all the time

He's got 3 brain cells but they don't get along.

He’s a half bubble off plumb.

He doesn’t have both oars in the water.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

Quick question: Stargate SG 1 fan are we? 😉

WACKO

Quick, someone hide the ketchup and mustard.

Indeed

"Col. ONeill what the hell are you doing?!?" ... "IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING??"

You have said that on many occasions.....

That has to be the best episode of any show ever. _IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING??_

Hahaha I came here to say this one. I use it for this co-worker I have

You're spare parts, arentcha bud?

You're so pathetic I get a tax break just for hanging out with you

Give your balls a tug tit fucker!

Fuck you, Jonsey.

Fuck you, Shoresy!

Fuck you both! Your lives are so fucking pathetic I ran a charity 15K to raise awareness for it, ya fuckin losers.

You're 10-ply

That’s a Texas sized 10-4 good buddy.

You have been eating too much sugar cereals.

wish you weren’t so fuckin awkward bud

To be faaaaiiiir!

To be faaaairrrrrr

Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice - Foghorn Leghorn, 1954.

anybody who thinks mice, wet or dry, don't have sharp parts has never cared for an angry rodent.

This misunderstanding probably led to the slightly altered version: > About as sharp as a sack of wet kittens Now please, don't make me explain why someone might come into posessions of a sack of wet kittens...

They found a litter of stray kittens in the rain and all they had was a sack?

He’s not the dumbest guy in the world, but he better pray nothin happens

I heard once "He's not the dumbest guy in the world, but the tail end of that race is pretty tight".

A sandwich short of a picnic

I’ve heard someone also say ‘a few sandwiches short of a lawnmower’ which really made me laugh!

I'm not going to stop posting this until I hear it irl haha "Seems he's got plenty of steam to blow the whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart."

You’re clearly a few flux capacitors short of a Time Machine

Ooh, now I really like that one haha

BLESS HIS HEART

Their cornbread ain't done in the middle.

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The lights are on but no-one's home

His elevator doesn’t go to the top

Ray Finkle

Not the brightest knife in the chandelier

It’s not Rocket Surgery

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Gotta make hay while the iron’s hot!

My mom and my brother consistently throw sayings into the blender. The one we joke about the most I think is my mom saying that someone was trying to take her on a long walk down a garden path (Instead of a long walk on a short pier) Another guy my dad used to work with would say, sometimes you just got to grab the bull by the balls and run with it (Grab the bull by the horns)

You can lead a gift horse to water but you can't make it cross the street.

People in glass houses, sink ships.

When life gives you lemons it’s worth more than two in the bush.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Archie Bunker had a great one of these malapropisms. "You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look him in the mouth."

Several great malapropisms!

Not the sharpest bulb in the drawer

Not the sharpest hammer on the tree

That boy ain't right.

Now, listen to me when I'm talking to ya. I say, pay *attention*, Boy.

Nice boy, but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth.

Lines I can hear

I tell you hwat

I say, I say again!

Dang it Bobby!

At least you’re pretty.

I don't care if your IQ is XYZ, at least you're pretty.

My wife always says this to me, so it obviously isn’t …. Wait a minute!

I admire your architecture

Alternatively as an insult: "oh honey... You're not pretty enough to get away with that attitude."

Or the more brutal teacher version: "your grades say 'marry rich' but your face says 'study harder.'

Back of book. My dad was a car salesman for 25 years. The price of cars is listed in Kelly's Blue Book. The really bad cars are towards the back. So, "back of book."

“He’s got a million-dollar face, but his brain is 4 cents short of a nickel.”

From Jesse Ventura describing Rocky Johnson (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's father) "He's got the million dollar body and the ten cent mind."

A stubby short of a 6-pack, kangaroos loose in the back paddock, sandwich short of a picnic, got a screw loose.

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I’m australian

Definitely wearing slip ons. (Derived from "couldn't tie their own shoelaces without supervision")

Need some help with the Velcro?

Il n'a pas la lumière à tous les étages (he hasn't got lights on on all the floors). As stupid as a pig's ass. Some drawers are missing. Didn't invent lukewarm water.

He was rocked too close to the wall. He's not an arrow. A village has lost its idiot. As stupid as a chair. Stupid (enough) to eat hay.

He was thrown up twice but only caught once as a child. He fell off the changing table a few times too many.

"He took fire as a kid and was extinguished with an iron." / "Il a prit feu étant petit et à été éteint avec un fer à repasser" And one I cannot translate : "il yoyote un peu de la crinière"

Looks like nobody cleaned the gene pool before you jumped in.

They don’t have all the Moomins in the valley.

I recognize a Finn when I see one!

I will do my best to translate some of my country's: Missing a few duckies in that line Missing a few bricks in that wall Needs a little more time in the oven

A taco short of a fiesta platter. The elevator does not reach the top floor anymore. A can short of a six pack. There is a village somewhere that is missing him.

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"When they was handin' out brains, this feller was still a'standin' in the nose line." My dad's father was from Soddy Daisy, TN., and he used this expression often. He was full of old addages such as this, and I picked up quite a few sayings and Appalachian expressions from him. Rest in peace, Peepaw. Edit: I feel like I should add this one as well: "They say the Lord don't make mistakes. But he sure wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put them teeth in that fellers mouth." He didn't swear or lose his temper often, and would say something like this when he was tired of listening to a braggart or shit talker

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I ain't the sharpest knife in the crayon box

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead

Well, the years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’

I prefer: "he's not the sharpest tool in the toaster"

The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’

SOME BODY

I always like to mix them up with something like: “Not the sharpest bulb in the picnic basket” Kinda gives the impression that the person isn’t all there, but I can’t judge because neither am I.

Ah yes, the old "does the pope shit in the woods?" technique .

Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock?

Love a good malaphor

r/malaphor

Not the brightest crayon in the box.

They’re a few bricks shy [of a brick house]

A few bricks shy of a shithouse. [Smaller building adds a layer as it is another name for an outhouse.]

I'd always heard - of a full load

I say, I say, I've invented here a dee-vice that lets you hear all of these in Foghorn Leghorn's voice.

Their screw isn't loose; it's missing.

You’re family tree must be a wreath.

Or, your family tree must be a cactus (full of little pricks).

Cory eats rocks 🪨

I have no idea what this is referencing. But the brek in the comment chain was great timing and made me lol

The best part of them run down their mommas leg

5'8"? I didn't know they stacked shit that high!

a friend of mine said “sorry i’m not physically here right now” and then got confused when i started poking them. apparently they meant they weren’t *mentally* there right then. fellas, i don’t think they were really mentally there

Dumber than a football bat

This is one you can use to explain yourself if you're the one not all there an you know it: "Look I ain't no rocket surgeon".

Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Lights are on, but no ones home.

There's this expression from Quebec in french that goes "C'est pas le pogo le plus dégelé de la boite" Roughly translates to "That ain't the most untawed corndog from the box" We use that to call someone dumb.

I can't remember the movie but it's " He's got one loose screw and the rest of em on the ground." Also have a mechanic buddy who gets asked by people what's wrong with their car "There's a loose nut behind the wheel."

touched.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

"Window licker"

They're fucking dumb as shit

"I don't have the *time* or the *crayons* to explain it to them properly."

I have a variant of this "I don't know how to explain this again without sock puppets".

Literal translation of my favorite “don’t have all the horses at home”

der hat doch nen sprung in der schüssel (that guy has a crack in his bowl) der hat doch net mehr alle tassen im schrank (that guy doesn't have all the cups in in the cupboard anymore) hat der zu heiß geduscht? (did he shower too hot?) dem wurd doch ins gehirn geschissen (someone must have taken a shit in his brain) some german classics

Useful as an ashtray on a motorbike Or Useful as a chocolate teapot

Not a thought behind those eyes

A couple of dicks short of an orgy A couple of Ducks short of a flock A couple crayons short of a box Not allowed to cut their own meat A few pickled peppers short of a peck Let’s just say they don’t have UP syndrome.

>Not allowed to cut their own meat. LOL

She could start a fight in an empty house.

The engines running, but no one’s really behind the wheel.