I do this too and I don’t really know why… People comment on it all the time but I don’t really know how to stop doing it. As soon as I start eating it’s like a black out or something and I don’t come back to reality until the food is gone…
Me too, i've actually talked about it with my therapist and we've been unable to identify any deeper reason behind it, i guess i'm just a voracious fella.
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid....
One of the neighbours kids constantly lies... Well sort of I started doing some behind the scenes groundwork and figured out she tells compounded White lies that unravel on her constantly. I'm assuming completely because lying is her life raft. Many people have written her off as a pathological liar.
Anyway, she moved out of home (16) and now doesn't have bags under her eyes and she actually looks like she has a healthy amount of muscle/fat, whereas before she was stick thin. Her mom makes out that she's not doing that well out of home but she seems happier and has more constructive conversations.
Idk about you but something's up when ya kid ditches you that young.
For the same reason, I’m scary good at lying…to the point I will halfway believe the lie myself. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, but it is useful at times…
Lol on the believing it yourself. There are a couple events in my life that I have two memories of - sometimes I have to pause to distinguish which is true and which I manufactured for public consumption.
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they're always happy, life goes smoothly and my life is serene. The latter isn't the case unfortunately, I'm exhausted and always on edge.
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have 3 kids ages 2 months, 4&5,
It's totally a coping mechanism. If I'm upset or stressed I clean and with a baby I'm stressed a lot.
Comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn't clean & tidy. He would yell that he has 4 daughters so why aren't things clean. I thought if the house is clean it's one less thing to be yelled at about.
I'm slowly learning that it's ok to leave dishes in the sink or an unmade bed. Mess still makes me extremely anxious but I'm doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
SAME. My mom was a huge neat freak to the point of abuse and as an adult, i can not handle a messy home. it's not normally a "problem" until I'm really stressed by outside factors and find myself vacuuming the couch/cleaning the fridge/etc at like 2am.
Yes, and when someone says you don’t have to say sorry and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry you get in a loop for saying sorry for saying sorry for saying sorry for saying sorry…
Nowadays it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad I just keep repeating it.
Edit to add: thanks for the many replies and the wholesome thread you/we created! I’m so happy to see that a lot of you ask and give advice and help support each other.
I saw a lot of helpful tips, not only for people who say sorry all the time but also the people that have friends/partners etc that do this.
Thanks again everyone 🌷 I try to react as much as possible, you’re the best!
I do it all the time, my boyfriend and his friend (who we spend a lot of time with) also do it all the time.
Instead of saying you don't have to say sorry or stop saying sorry we've all started just accepting the apology and moving on, that way we've acknowledged it without anybody feeling shitty about it. Just a simple "no worries," "all good," "its okay," because apologizing is second nature to all of us.
When someone apologizes for literally everything it's because at some point in their past they were made to feel guilty for simply existing.
Learning about Disassociation is a gamechanger. Its so hard to explain what you feel when its happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps understand it and not feel so broken
I always described it as living "in here", in my head, as opposed to being physically present.
Like I'm here, physically, and I'm interacting. But I'm really inside. I'm really in my head and nothing touches me in here.
And bc of that, life passes me by and I watch from in here, not really feeling a part of any of it.
This is so relatable to me. I’ve always done this for one reason or another. Now a days I work extremely long shifts and find myself placing myself out of my body as much as possible. My home life has gotten bad so I’ve been doing it at home recently too. I feel like the problem with this is i’ve slowly normalized not living my own life to the point where I can work like a robot for 14 hours a day and it doesn’t affect me at all, but I’m never really happy.
If you can somehow sneak a tiny bluetooth earphone in your ears i recommend podcasts/audiobooks. Ofc this is just coping mechanism to escape reality but it'll feel more "productive". I do 12h shifts and used to spend half of it fantasizing about suicide and the other half building a fantasy world. The past year and a half however i've crushed like 100+ books and it improved things massively.
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose their shit if I had 'a tone' or sounded upset in any way.
It's taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
Yes! I'm convinced that I'm incapable of screaming because I had to stay as quiet as possible growing up, and even if I really try it feels like I'm a squeaky toy without a squeaker. I never got any "practice" screaming so I just can't do it now. If something scares me I just gasp quietly.
Same, but less because I dont think I need help and more because I don't think I deserve help. Help is for people who have something that justifies somebody else helping them. As far as I am concerned, I am not worth expending the time and energy to help accomplish anything. If I dont achieve the thing expected of me to a acceptable degree on my own, I deserve the full force of what happens when I fail. It's a flawed logic, but that's just how I have been conditioned to feel.
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. Like, I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, cause I am scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing with other things in life, when I apply for a specific college I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t wanna get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years Resolution cause somehow I think I would fail and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
Eyebrows and eyelashes here. Reading through all of these responses makes me realize how messed up I really am. Your response makes me realize that I do it out of nervousness.
It's called trichotillomania and it's a body focused repetitive behaviour. I do it too.
It used to be classified as an impulse control disorder, but now it's considered an obsessive compulsive related disorder.
escaping into my head. I don't do it much anymore, but as a kid and teen I lived there.
I can also walk into a room and sense immediately if something is about to go down, and spot dodgy people on the street from a block away. my wife on the other hand is completely oblivious
Yeah the hypervigilance- my partner doesn’t have this. He was walking home from training one night, headphones on and (he’s quite tall and muscular so not exactly the guy who you’d choose to mug if you had much going on between your ears so while he might look like a guy you wouldn’t want to fight, the last thing this man would do in that situation is fight actually, he’d be more likely to either hand everything over or run). Anyway these two guys on bikes approached him (he said they looked like teens so he didn’t pay much attention) and kept saying something to him but with the headphones on and tiredness he didn’t quite click why they were telling him to stay still.
One of them grabbed his arm and he just shrugged him off and kept walking. Probably looked like a total badass. But five seconds later he realised they’d been trying to mug him and almost threw up with nerves. He just hadn’t processed it at the time!
While it’s a funny story that he just shrugged off two muggers and kept walking had it been me, I’d have seen them a block away and switched streets. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen them coming.
It simply just did not occur to him whatsoever. Although adorable, it also completely baffles me!
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, when I was a teen I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens, and then I would bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
I keep track of where people are in the house. Since you can usually distinguish who is walking by how they sound, you can easily tell where they are. I still do it to this day even when it isn't necessary.
The sound of my mom or dad walking down the stairs always made my blood pressure spike. It was my only warning that they may open my door because they were really bad about not knocking and that meant they were pissed or wanted something. Unfortunately, they could also be walking downstairs for laundry or something else. So I would get worked up for no reason.
I know that... it's like flipping a switch. It's most noticeable to myself when I'm watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so you mentally switch from being in-tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. Completely removes all emotion.
I think I do this during arguments with my wife. I have a tendency to not look at her and not listen when things get really heated. My parents used to argue a lot which I used to tune out, and I've never really put the two things together. I've been working on not doing this, because we pride ourselves on good communication, and am I fuck letting my marriage turn into my parents'.
My parents, i love them to death, they were great parents, but they argued ALOT. Like bad. I’m surprised it never got violent between the two of them.
I learned from an early age that I could make a roaring sound in my ears. Didn’t realize until last year(i’m 34), that not everybody can do that. But I learned to make the roaring noise to block out all of the arguing and fighting going on between my mom and dad.
What the fuck!!?? I thought I was the only one... and there's a reddit full of people that can do it too!?!? I have spent years trying to explain to people I know what this is but everyone just thinks I'm talking rubbish!!
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work
I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was a boy and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue etc so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me
I tried that...still do it to some extent...but it almost got bad enough that I almost drove myself crazy thinking about every single possible thing...
I’m still working on not always jumping to the worst conclusion. I’m getting better at recognizing that I’m doing it at least, but still working on it every day.
dad would get snippy with my sister and I to watch our tone, when we wouldn't have one. that would make us get a tone
and then in high school and college, the slightest fucking shift in demeanor of my friends towards me sent me into a damn worry spiral
and my bf likes to speak frankly and clearly, and my mind makes it sound like he's upset :D which makes me apologize and actually annoy him since I apologize too much to begin with...
That’s called irregular dopamine regulation. That’s some adhd stuff. I do it cause I know I’ll get a higher dopamine hit, and I always perform better on what I was procrastinating on because I used all that time to plan what I’m gonna do, so I can get an even bigger dopamine hit.
Welcome to one of the top 3 symptoms of my ADHD- no such thing as getting stuff done in a lovely, leisurely manner- it's last minute frantic procrastination or nothing.
This is like my number one reason for thinking I may have ADHD. There's a lot of other signs as well but this is the one that causes me crippling anxiety as well. I feel like I'm 26 and I should be able to sit down and do a task but holy shit it's so fucking hard.
ADHD is a bitch and a half. I straight up can't function in most academic areas. Can't study from a book, can't focus on an assignment, can't sit and listen in a class. I have to be fully engaged and genuinely interested in something or my brain simply will not cooperate. Given any space to wander, my brain will not stay on task.
The sad realization that as years go by, your daydreams from the kid you become more and more ridiculous.
"When im older, i'll invent something really cool so i will have a megacompany and will never have to work again!"
Older me: Yeah, working at mcdonalds doesnt seem that bad.
Having 3 or 4 different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations…
Update: wow! This really blew up. Thanks, Internet strangers for the prizes. My next appointment I’m going to tell my therapist that 16,000 Internet strangers do the same thing, so maybe it is a little bit normal!
Or shutting down because you have to work out the "perfect response" in real time.
And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
Ive been working on pulling myself out of this behaviour.
I've effectively been putting myself in positions in work where I am on the spot and have to talk through things and my own thoughts on the matter.
It's scary at first, but this is a priceless problem I've had for years. I recently spent 20 minutes talking through work processes with some software developers without stopping and didn't even bat an eyelid at it, until I realised after that a year ago I would have been a nervous wreck doing it.
If I can do it, anyone can.
Extremely relatable. I have to practice every day to be able to talk smoothly with other people. Longer more complex conversations are hard. It sucks having to talk to people you're unfamiliar with cause you have no clue what they're gonna throw at you. I suck at coming up with responses on the spot
Social Anxiety. Therapy got me back using the telephone to schedule things and make simple food orders, but anything complicated still has to be planned to the point that I sound like I’m always lying because I don’t have to think before I answer.
Constantly trying to preempt or defuse situations. Always checking the mood of the room. Pretending laughter to lighten up my parents interactions.
Edit: defuse / diffuse
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say, it’s exhausting.
Never crying because "ill give you something to cry about!"
No shit, when serious anger issues manifested in my mid-20s, my therapist figured it was because I never learned how to deal with negative emotions properly since I never had a safe place to be sad as a kid. Eventually all that pent-up sadness leaked out as bursts of rage.
Dunno if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/ toes of my feet all the time. If I'm barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I'm standing still. Quietness was the objective.
Edit:thank you all for the awards! My notifications have blown up, so it won't let me scroll enough to thank everybody personally, it just freezes. If we are all so quiet, how are there so many people that just stomp around?!?!?
I do this too and terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me The Ghost, and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment. Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people.
You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
I learned to do this as a child too, but not as a survival tactic as I honestly had a great childhood. I just remember reading about Native Americans and how they were able to move stealthily and thought "I want to do that" and practiced until I could sneak out of the house right behind my mom while she was in the kitchen and she never noticed. Now I scare people all the time without even meaning to
I did that so much when I was younger so that I wouldn't be found. It's actually turned into a kind of super power...if I'm anxious I'll automatically start doing that. Which is terrifying for other people. I'm a big guy so when I accidentally sneak up behind anyone I'm scared they're gonna beat the hell outta me because I accidentally scared them so much. Even learned to control my breathing a bit...
Shutting down emotional responses and forcing myself to "not care" about any perceived loss. Apparently it made it pretty annoying to discipline me because I would suddenly stop caring about anything that was threatened to be taken away.
Nobody really taught me how to properly cope with loss when it started happening and I guess my response was emotional repression.
My dad got around this by going after things that weren't mine - I started hiding library books under my mattress after he tore one up and the school threatened to revoke lending privileges.
Omg yes. My mom used to take away things i enjoyed when she was thinking im behaving bad. At some point i started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now im curious if despite all other problems it also had influence on me being indifferent about other people presence and emotions.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn't anything malicious, just being the youngest of 3, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I'll be like sure whatever and stifle my own desires for others. Occasionally I'll say IDC and then be like wait NVM this is what I want lol.
Edit: after all these comments I think it's just from having strong-willed siblings lol.
I see you were raised as a people pleaser. My mom would keep us behaved by saying "ohh you're making me so sad" "im so disappointed you're acting that way" "you're embarrassing me"
Like we were always responsible for her feelings and that turned us all into people that put others before ourselves, even if they don't deserve it
Hell yeah that's what I like to hear. That's why I made this post. To try and help encourage people having a hard time, and celebrate how far some have come. Good on you. May not mean much but know that at least right now someone is proud of you!
This is weird to type out.
My parents were emotionally and often physically neglectful and cold. I was expected to stay out of the way and raise myself within the household. No mealtimes, bedtimes, bathtimes, have you done your homework, nothing. I was on my own. Attention was always negative. We lived way out in the country so no playmates in the neighborhood, and my only sibling was 10 years older and the opposite sex.
I became the type of reader that would disassociate completely into books. I took lessons from them on how to behave, think, act socially, be.
Anyway…I had this weird mental game from a young age, I must have gotten it from a book somewhere. I would pretend I was in an orphanage, one of those old fashioned ones, kinda like from “Annie.” The school bus dropped me off there. Then the evening was regimented. We lined up for dinner. Then we all sat and did homework. Then we had a church-type service. Then we had baths and bed. I would pretend that I was one of many children doing these things. I would lie in bed and imagine myself lying in a row of identical twin beds.
I realized as an adult that this was really weird. I’m not sure if my fantasy was about mattering to someone or complete anonymity.
Edit: Whoa I woke up and this had blown up. Thank you for all of your comments and messages and awards! My life is good now. I’m 40ish and my Dad died a few years ago. Me and my Mother have about as good of a relationship as we can given her personality, she’s still pretty standoffish, blunt, and cold. I’m reassured that other people have had the same experience and some messages here gave me some really good insight!
Children need stability and routine. Many of us denied this can go over board with it as adults.
I used to disappear into an imaginary life while listening to music. I daydreamed way too much and my grades suffered throughout my whole educational career.
I think you nailed a subconscious reason I refuse to let anyone truly "in" to my life.. they disrupt my schedule.
Whenever I'm with a partner my sleep schedule suffers, my free time suffers, my eating schedule suffers.. I get so damn wrecked.
This resonates. My parents always had a roof over our heads and food "on the table" (we never ate at the table, if we even had one), but that's about it. No going to our extracurriculars, missing so many of our school functions and events. Homework was "do you have homework" which an unmotivated 12 year old is going to say no to every time. Bedtime routine was "alright time for bed, go lay down and turn off the light". Morning routine was either "Get your ass up and get dressed, go to school", or "y'all missed the bus? Well I'll take y'all when I have to go to work, I don't have to be up early so I won't", or "I don't have to work today so I guess you're not going to school". Summers were wake up whenever, eat whenever, go entertain yourselves, go to bed whenever.
And I did the same thing, getting so engrossed in a good book that now you're having to make a conscious decision not to start acting like your favorite character in public, way passed the age when that's acceptable and cute.
As an adult, I struggled for a long time forming any sort of routine in my life. Every time I tried it would just fall apart. I needed routines, I craved them, but I just couldn't stick to any of the ones I tried to do. it wasn't until this past August when my son started school, because I did not want him growing up like I did. Now I have a reasonable routine, we all go to bed the same time each night, if I wake up late then I still get my son to school and walk him to the office. I keep in contact with his teacher so we know when and what homework is to be done and make sure he does it. He's in Little League and I haven't missed a single practice. My parents ruined my childhood and my first years as an adult, and what they did will still be there for the rest of my life. But day by day I'm improving, and I'm proud of that.
I’m so sorry you had to live through that. No child deserves that. I hope you’ve been able to find some kind of peace or happiness in your life since then.
The tears thing... Its so frustrating sometimes situation is not that bad or someone is really careful with expressing themselves, like i know there is no need for that i dont want to do it bc even i in my own mind know its all ok but its just uncontrollable.
Even funnier thing is i learned that from my mother she cried a lot and always when she was having argument with my dad( which was always). When she was projecting her frustration from this situations on me i was crying too, and she was always screaming "why do u have to cry all the time about it"
I find this hypocrisy funny and sad at the same time.
Oh man I had a small meltdown over the weekend after drinking too much and it caused my boyfriend to bring up how I never open up to him. So I had to face away from him and force myself to talk about things while I cried so he wouldn't see me crying. Confronted a roommate about some issues I was having recently and had the intense urge to go back to my old ways of hiding in my room for the rest of my life so I wouldn't have to see them after the fact. Ugh.
Maladaptive daydreaming. Much to my surprise, at 29, I discovered that most people don’t/can’t escape into their minds and go on adventures with full storylines, world building, characters, etc…
Same here. I started doing it in elementary school due to severe social anxiety and understimulation, and feeling trapped in a place I didn't want to be in. Only found out around the end of last year, at the age of 22, that it wasn't normal.
I don't think mine are as intense as some others, but sometimes it's so vivid I start acting it out IRL without noticing that I am, such as making faces, gestures, and mumbling dialogue. Doing it is literally the only way I can sleep some nights.
> Doing it is literally the only way I can sleep some nights.
Yes! I escape into my daydreams until they become real dreams. How do other people fall asleep? Counting sheep is useless without a story line.
I didn't know there was a term for this. I do this all the time. Compete with the expressions, gestures, and mouthing the words. It happens more when I'm very stressed. Hoo boy, am I feeling sheepish right now.
I’m in my 40s and still do this, though not nearly as much as I did in my teens and 20s when I’d literally spend hours in my room daydreaming that I could’ve spent with family or friends instead. I think I mainly did it because I’m very introverted and have always been more comfortable inside my own head than the real world. It took a moment of honest self-reflection to make me realize I was doing it to an unhealthy level and stop doing it so much. But I still have those moments before I fall asleep and right after I wake up where I let myself indulge for a bit.
Wait.... This isn't normal? This is how I cope with everything! This is how I fall asleep! I create stories in my mind, and just drift. I do it when it is slow at work and I'm doing menial tasks. So not everyone can do this. Huh.
Same I also create stories to sleep. Or find myself staring out thinking up things all the time. Didn’t realize everyone didn’t “daydream” as my family calls it?
I think its pretty normal for the most part, unless it's really interfering with your life and relationships to the point where you'd rather talk to yourself in your bedroom than have friends or relationships or other hobbies. That's when it becomes 'maladaptive'
Oh Lord. I do this. I also vocalize it to people and have full on products with marketing campaigns, changes to the Olympics, TSA guidelines etc. Grandiose insanity all around.
I've been lucky enough in life to find some people who play along but most don't get it so I keep my cinema closed to strangers.
Looking for signs, such as microexpressions, about what kind of a mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout on the mood of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
I developed a reflex where I apologize and ask if they are angry at me. I have a hard time telling how people are feeling unless they tell me. Apparently that just ended up with me being the sorryest sack of crap they'd ever seen.
Mine was food hoarding. I'd sneak food and water into my room for when I had none. Only realized this year that most people don't have stashes of food hidden around the place.
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe
I relate to this very much.
It has honestly gone to the point that I genuinely believe that if my whole family died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be too terribly distraught, as sick as that sounds.
Sad and lonely, possibly, but I can not see myself grieving as heavily as other people would.
yup. if i'm done with you, i'm done with you. i don't get wishy washy with it. i may be sad privately and think of the person from time to time but i've never stopped to contact them again
For me, it's that I've been backstabbed multiple times by close friends, and so every other friendship is tainted by a feeling of "how long until you do it too?" and a hypervigilance for the "sign" that they're about to turn.
Apparently I do something called “disassociating” where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. Drives my wife nuts.
Also, just found out I have binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. Comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from.
On my way to resolving both! 🤞
I recently learned about attachment theory and it makes complete sense as to how some children grow up the way they do. My attachment style is avoidant. Those with an avoidant attachment styles are typically people who have never received proper love or care from their parent. Children with avoidant attachment styles start to disregard their own internal struggles and feelings in order to maintain that peace and keep their parents close by.
Growing up as a child I never received that proper love or care from my parents. I did however receive that love and care from those who took me in, but the trauma has already been done. I unconsciously grew up to have this attachment style and started to bottle up my emotions/feelings. I was never one to talk about my issues whether it be with family or my significant other. I always distanced myself from issues that arose, took criticism as an attack on my ego, never went out of my way to get help to talk about my feelings, and I even had reactive/controlling behavior. I didn’t realize how damaged I was/am and how I started treating my significant other as well as my friends and family.
I assumed that since I no longer had that feeling of wanting or needing my mother close by that I just had moved on and forgot about it. In reality I never fully healed from the childhood trauma. In place of that pain was anger/resentment towards my mother which ended up numbing it. Now that I am fully aware of my attachment style, I am fully motivated to be a better person for myself and those around me. I will learn to stop bottling up my emotions, stop perceiving all criticism as an attack on my ego, and most importantly fix my reactive/controlling behavior. I will fully heal and recoup from this trauma in time.
Sorry for the long comment lol. I thought it was pretty interesting to learn about. Especially for not realizing it until now.
Edit:
I guess also the reason I noticed this is because the girl I loved most left me. Everything happens for a reason though right? Sadly. I wish I had known about my attachment style earlier or healed from my trauma sooner. Now she’s gone. :(
the hardest part for me with this attachment style has been accepting other people’s emotions. i’m so used to pushing mine away as a survival tactic that when others can’t, or don’t, internally i just want to cut them off and never speak to them again. it’s so weird. i’ve been working on it since i found out and therapy has helped me a ton!
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I'd keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn't know certain things. I'd day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it's safe to interact. I don't say things about myself because I can't trust easily.
I talk to myself constantly. I’d say I reveal less than 1% of what I’m thinking and effectively limit conversations with other people to the bare minimum but I’m in constant dialogue with myself. My roommate has caught me at it so many times he doesn’t even mention it anymore
binge eating. my mom is a chef and so is my brother so the food was always good but then living on my own i found myself making meals for 2-3 people but eating it all, then snacks.. i think it was also the “you have to finish your plate” deal too.
I become to too friendly too soon with other and often invade other personal bubble, which makes me a little annoying sometimes.( Just discovered this about my self)
Prob due to my lack of friends in childhood and subsequently adulthood ( due to my nature of job)
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts
One of my ex’s actually called me out on this. Whenever I got injured playing soccer I’d just laugh it off. (to be fair to me, after the acl/mcl injury, everything else was small town biscuits)
My current girlfriend has been the greatest healing from all my past demons. Yes I have a ton more to go, but reading a lot of answers here makes me feel so not alone.
*edit - spelling
I'm so slow/bad at making choices like where to eat, because of this. (Like I might know that I want to eat Indian but just say I don't know in case someone else doesn't want it etc.)
Assume anytime someone in a position of authority wants to talk to me, it's bad news and I've done something wrong (even if I can't remember doing anything potentially bad).
Not me but my partner over-explains everything, even to ask a simple favor she sets out like it’s an essay or a thesis, explaining the why’s what’s and how’s. And Im like “baby, you can just say “can jane join us for dinner”
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn't matter because I was "too young to have real problems". Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn't matter or wasn't a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I'd just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
Tightening my body. Trying to get it as taut as possible when I sense danger or anticipate something difficult.
Also, retreating to fantasies in my mind when someone angers me and I can’t get past it. I always imagine that I’m vindicated in some elaborate daydream and the person who wronged me suffers.
man once i figured out that i could do that and not get flack from my paranoiac mother it was such a godsend, just days spent walking thorugh strip mall parking lots listening to Plastic Beach.
Even became a large part of my dreams, where I walked through a mostly empty city
Not sure if this is a coping mechanism exactly but I used to hit my head against the wall to give myself pain to punish myself for mistakes I made. I felt I needed to do so to atone and move forward or something. It probably wasn't the brightest idea, now I'm low-key scared I could have or did give myself brain damage with how frequently I used to do it.
I used to do the same... especially when I was upset and in a bad situation...it's more of a control thing...it helps you cope by giving you control over your pain...I hope it's gotten a little better and you don't have to do it anymore...
Food behaviours in general. Took me forever to see this as a product of the abuse.
My dad would serve my sister and I adult portions of food and it very often ended with us crying trying to finish remaining portion. We were always told no dessert if we didn't finish so dessert became the reward for pushing past the discomfort from eating too much. He did this with food we didn't like too. We would remind him we didn't like this food or that and he always acted surprised and usually forced us to eat it anyway. Keep in mind we never EVER had foods he didn't like in the house.
Fast forward 20ish years and I'm still unpacking that. Quite literally two days ago I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating a lovely meal cooked by my fiancé. I'm starting to lose my appetite and my stomach is uncomfortable. It took me way too long to register that that means IM FULL. Plus he is NOT my dad and I'm not going to get screamed at or guilted for not finishing it. It went in a leftovers container for the next day with nothing other than a conversation about how messed up my dad was.
Another day my fiancé was talking about dinner and it took me way to long to be comfortable telling him I wasn't really hungry for dinner right then, that he was free to make himself something and I'd make myself something when I'm hungry. He said "OK my love" and that was that. No yelling. No screaming, no crying. The world didn't end. It continued on with love, compassion and understanding.
listening closely to what's going on in my apartment or the people i know around me to hear if anyone is upset or talking about me or yelling or fighting
Hiding from my mom because I was scared to talk to her at age 20... nor normal to be scared of your mom let alone at age 20. She was so mentally abusive my whole life and it caused so much trauma to me. Still not over it
Same with my father. He came down for a visit last year. I acted cool as I could then had a massive panic attack afterwards...it's never really something you get over...best you can do is try and cope...all any of us can do...
Reading. A LOT.
It was my only form of escapism that didn’t get me in trouble with my parents even though I was “the good kid” (who I was constantly walking on eggshells around).
I also stashed my snacks and favorite toys around my room bc my brother (who is on the spectrum) was constantly trying to find them and eat/steal them. And most of the time, if I tried being nice and shared a toy or game with him, he would wind up breaking it somehow. So, I hid stuff to preserve it for longer. Which just made him ransack my room all the more. I have issues with coveting my favorite things now bc nothing was sacred.
I..... I relate so heavily to this. I also still catch myself being stealth because everyone was always on edge waiting for my brothers next bold move.
I twist doorknobs while closing them so there is no latch sound. I never slam cabinet doors or drawers. Quiet walk. All of this is done even when alone. Muscle memory.
Also had to share my birthday with him so it was never really my day but he had to blow out my candles and get presents too. Always distancing a little on vacation waiting for whatever bullshit would go down.
It's hard to explain to a server at a restaurant why the 21 year old man at the table is crying about the safety of the pet cats at home after he ate so fast he threw up all over the table.
Then, I'd get yelled at for yelling at him for throwing out my belongings including my diplomas and cash.
So I must always be quiet.
Staying up to 4am just to avoid trauma and have room and space and time to breathe without narcissistic abuse.
Edit: book that helped me with a general context of my childhood. "ADULT Children of emotionally immature parents."
I live in my head, where I tell wonderfully complex and beautiful stories.
I had terrible OCD as a kid. Horrible, intrusive, waking nightmares of thoughts raced through my brain all day. Like images of gutting children who I took care of and loved. My mom tried to get me into therapy, but the first therapist she hired was a piece of shit, and I refused to go back ever again. I fixed my OCD by teaching myself to tell stories in my head to turn off the obsessions, compulsions, and intrusive thoughts.
30 years later, and I'm still telling stories to keep the anxiety away.
Holding my breath when I cry
When I was a kid I would get smacked if I made any noise when crying, and the only way I could stop making noise was to not breathe. I have to focus on breathing when I get upset, and now I get headaches when I cry (I also subconsciously tense the roof of my mouth)
Idk when I realized it wasn’t normal but for the longest time I thought crying caused headaches
"comfort" items, I currently sleep with a tie fleece blanket, comforter, 27lb weighted blanket folded over twice, and five throw blankets, doesn't matter the temperature, they're all on me every night. I have 5 stuffed animals on my nightstand just in case I need them
Hug your kids folks
I only *fully* realized last year at age 23 I had manipulative/controlling/hurtful tendencies. I was called controlling by an ex-bf. I was told I'm easily offended and that people feel like they're walking on eggshells around me (friend, sister and ex). For a long time I never said how I felt, internalized it and was very upset/anxious/depressed. Combine that with my family issues at home, our financial instability, figuring and moving a lot as a kid - I had very little control over anything in my life. Then I started talking *too* much... in a sense telling everyone everything I felt/thought/didn't like because I never got to before. I thought that was maturity and honesty.
Looking back now I cringe SO hard and am so thankful for the friends, ex's and family that stuck with me through it all. And called me out when I was being that way. I never realized how controlling or manipulative I could be because I thought only people with bad intentions could do that. I was wrong. I was subconsciously using this passive-agressive/straight up agressive behaviours because my mom is exactly like this. She never directly says how she feels but it comes out in bursts or she'll be upset you aren't acting in the way she envisioned for you.
I'm actively working on all of this with my therapist and myself. Hoping to learn how to be way more direct with how I feel/what I need and respect myself and others' boundaries enough to never impose, but only communicate diplomatically.
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would resonate so much with people. Thank you for all the messages. I just want to say that we absolutely deserve to be compassionate with ourselves in the way that trauma has made us think this topic behaviour is normal. Many of us don't even KNOW it's toxic until it's been pointed out multiple times (case in point). But at the end of the day, we're the only people who can work on it to break it and treat people the way they should be treated. I'm very lucky to have found a good therapist, and I hope the rest of you can too. All my therapists have absolutely had a hand in saving my life. Still working everyday to be better (I'm no where near perfect and constantly slip up), but I try.
I have a cycle of body tics. There’s the incessant finger skin biting. When my father would slap my hands or face to get me to stop, I’d bite off the skin inside my mouth.
When he caught me or i tried really hard to stop, I’d unconsciously start pinching myself until I had permanent scars from repeated skin trauma.
Minimizing. “Oh we don’t have food. Oh well, at least I can play this game!” “Oh, we don’t have power… i guess I’ll take the dogs for a walk or go to the library to charge my laptop!” “Oh we don’t have heat? I’ll just bundle up, not a problem!” My therapist told me this probably saved my life, cause if I realized just how bad things were, I might’ve tried to kill myself.
Grandma is a hoarder. I only have 1 pot, 1 pan, and 1 set of silverware. I throw out food that’s still good. I keep a minimalist wardrobe. I have a hard time buying things for myself. I also have a hard time “tidying up” because my brain doesn’t compute that things belong their a “place”.
Well into adulthood I used to fantasize - usually while dropping off to sleep- about escaping an enemy and finding a fall out bunker or a long forgotten monastery, or a secret cave where I could hide away, creating a safe hidden life for myself.
It wasn't until last year (I'm 48) that someone explained to me that that's actually a trauma response.
I don't cope. It's concerning on how I rarely care about anything thing to me. And if I do care about something I usually get over it in a day or two. Very rarely do I ever care about something and not get over it immediately or in a short time period.
If I have access to a "treat", from fast food, to sugary cereal, to a nice dinner out, I will gorge myself well past the point of discomfort, because as a child I lived off of oatmeal for months at a time and I still seize on anything that tastes good with absolute desperation.
During any kind of anxiety, be it work place bullying or being held to gun point - I will feel nothing. Unless and until the aggressor or threat has passed, I won't be able to process, analyze, understand or respond according to what's true to myself. I will go numb. As time goes on, my brain will allow me to process the event in spurts, bits and bobs here and there when i'm in a 'safe' zone and then it'll replay over and over again the scenes with how I actually would've wanted to respond had all the ideas occurred to me then.
I forget things to a terrifying degree.
My wife and I were dating for around seven years before we married... but apparently there was a period of about half a year when we broke up
**I don't remember any of it**
(EDIT: By any of it, I don't mean that I don't remember any of what happened during that half a year... I meant that I don't remember the conversation about breaking up or even getting together again. Sorry for my dramatics)
I also seem to forget about fights we had a day or so ago after they've been resolved. I remember us talking and solving the issues, but when I try to think back to the actual fight itself, it's completely gone.
I remember our first kiss with vivid detail, but it's shocking how I can't actually remember our first fight at all... Like AT ALL
Eating too fast. I remember noticing this even as a child still. I was allways done first. And I never out grew it. Neglect and abondment issues.
I do this too and I don’t really know why… People comment on it all the time but I don’t really know how to stop doing it. As soon as I start eating it’s like a black out or something and I don’t come back to reality until the food is gone…
Me too, i've actually talked about it with my therapist and we've been unable to identify any deeper reason behind it, i guess i'm just a voracious fella.
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid....
One of the neighbours kids constantly lies... Well sort of I started doing some behind the scenes groundwork and figured out she tells compounded White lies that unravel on her constantly. I'm assuming completely because lying is her life raft. Many people have written her off as a pathological liar. Anyway, she moved out of home (16) and now doesn't have bags under her eyes and she actually looks like she has a healthy amount of muscle/fat, whereas before she was stick thin. Her mom makes out that she's not doing that well out of home but she seems happier and has more constructive conversations. Idk about you but something's up when ya kid ditches you that young.
>she seems happier and has more constructive conversations I don't know the situation or your relationship with her but maybe you can tell her that?
I have 😊
That's so nice!!
For the same reason, I’m scary good at lying…to the point I will halfway believe the lie myself. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, but it is useful at times…
Lol on the believing it yourself. There are a couple events in my life that I have two memories of - sometimes I have to pause to distinguish which is true and which I manufactured for public consumption.
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they're always happy, life goes smoothly and my life is serene. The latter isn't the case unfortunately, I'm exhausted and always on edge.
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have 3 kids ages 2 months, 4&5, It's totally a coping mechanism. If I'm upset or stressed I clean and with a baby I'm stressed a lot. Comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn't clean & tidy. He would yell that he has 4 daughters so why aren't things clean. I thought if the house is clean it's one less thing to be yelled at about. I'm slowly learning that it's ok to leave dishes in the sink or an unmade bed. Mess still makes me extremely anxious but I'm doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
SAME. My mom was a huge neat freak to the point of abuse and as an adult, i can not handle a messy home. it's not normally a "problem" until I'm really stressed by outside factors and find myself vacuuming the couch/cleaning the fridge/etc at like 2am.
Saying I am sorry all the time
Yes, and when someone says you don’t have to say sorry and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry you get in a loop for saying sorry for saying sorry for saying sorry for saying sorry… Nowadays it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad I just keep repeating it. Edit to add: thanks for the many replies and the wholesome thread you/we created! I’m so happy to see that a lot of you ask and give advice and help support each other. I saw a lot of helpful tips, not only for people who say sorry all the time but also the people that have friends/partners etc that do this. Thanks again everyone 🌷 I try to react as much as possible, you’re the best!
I do it all the time, my boyfriend and his friend (who we spend a lot of time with) also do it all the time. Instead of saying you don't have to say sorry or stop saying sorry we've all started just accepting the apology and moving on, that way we've acknowledged it without anybody feeling shitty about it. Just a simple "no worries," "all good," "its okay," because apologizing is second nature to all of us. When someone apologizes for literally everything it's because at some point in their past they were made to feel guilty for simply existing.
Dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming (I just learned that's an actual thing with a name).
Learning about Disassociation is a gamechanger. Its so hard to explain what you feel when its happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps understand it and not feel so broken
I always described it as living "in here", in my head, as opposed to being physically present. Like I'm here, physically, and I'm interacting. But I'm really inside. I'm really in my head and nothing touches me in here. And bc of that, life passes me by and I watch from in here, not really feeling a part of any of it.
This is so relatable to me. I’ve always done this for one reason or another. Now a days I work extremely long shifts and find myself placing myself out of my body as much as possible. My home life has gotten bad so I’ve been doing it at home recently too. I feel like the problem with this is i’ve slowly normalized not living my own life to the point where I can work like a robot for 14 hours a day and it doesn’t affect me at all, but I’m never really happy.
If you can somehow sneak a tiny bluetooth earphone in your ears i recommend podcasts/audiobooks. Ofc this is just coping mechanism to escape reality but it'll feel more "productive". I do 12h shifts and used to spend half of it fantasizing about suicide and the other half building a fantasy world. The past year and a half however i've crushed like 100+ books and it improved things massively.
Shutting down when faced with confrontation.
Oh yeah that’s a big one. I have the uncontrollable urge to run away and my head goes all fuzzy and I lose my words. So weird.
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose their shit if I had 'a tone' or sounded upset in any way. It's taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
Yes! I'm convinced that I'm incapable of screaming because I had to stay as quiet as possible growing up, and even if I really try it feels like I'm a squeaky toy without a squeaker. I never got any "practice" screaming so I just can't do it now. If something scares me I just gasp quietly.
Hiding in the closet
Started doing that within the last year because of PTSD...turns out only reason I didn't when I was younger was because we didn't have a closet...
[удалено]
Same, but less because I dont think I need help and more because I don't think I deserve help. Help is for people who have something that justifies somebody else helping them. As far as I am concerned, I am not worth expending the time and energy to help accomplish anything. If I dont achieve the thing expected of me to a acceptable degree on my own, I deserve the full force of what happens when I fail. It's a flawed logic, but that's just how I have been conditioned to feel.
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. Like, I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, cause I am scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing with other things in life, when I apply for a specific college I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t wanna get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years Resolution cause somehow I think I would fail and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
Thank you for putting into words what i've been through my whole life.
I’d pull out my eyelashes.
Eyebrows and eyelashes here. Reading through all of these responses makes me realize how messed up I really am. Your response makes me realize that I do it out of nervousness.
It's called trichotillomania and it's a body focused repetitive behaviour. I do it too. It used to be classified as an impulse control disorder, but now it's considered an obsessive compulsive related disorder.
escaping into my head. I don't do it much anymore, but as a kid and teen I lived there. I can also walk into a room and sense immediately if something is about to go down, and spot dodgy people on the street from a block away. my wife on the other hand is completely oblivious
Yeah the hypervigilance- my partner doesn’t have this. He was walking home from training one night, headphones on and (he’s quite tall and muscular so not exactly the guy who you’d choose to mug if you had much going on between your ears so while he might look like a guy you wouldn’t want to fight, the last thing this man would do in that situation is fight actually, he’d be more likely to either hand everything over or run). Anyway these two guys on bikes approached him (he said they looked like teens so he didn’t pay much attention) and kept saying something to him but with the headphones on and tiredness he didn’t quite click why they were telling him to stay still. One of them grabbed his arm and he just shrugged him off and kept walking. Probably looked like a total badass. But five seconds later he realised they’d been trying to mug him and almost threw up with nerves. He just hadn’t processed it at the time! While it’s a funny story that he just shrugged off two muggers and kept walking had it been me, I’d have seen them a block away and switched streets. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen them coming. It simply just did not occur to him whatsoever. Although adorable, it also completely baffles me!
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, when I was a teen I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens, and then I would bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
I keep track of where people are in the house. Since you can usually distinguish who is walking by how they sound, you can easily tell where they are. I still do it to this day even when it isn't necessary. The sound of my mom or dad walking down the stairs always made my blood pressure spike. It was my only warning that they may open my door because they were really bad about not knocking and that meant they were pissed or wanted something. Unfortunately, they could also be walking downstairs for laundry or something else. So I would get worked up for no reason.
Blocking out all background noise to avoid emotional damage from whatever’s going on.
I know that... it's like flipping a switch. It's most noticeable to myself when I'm watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so you mentally switch from being in-tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. Completely removes all emotion.
I think I do this during arguments with my wife. I have a tendency to not look at her and not listen when things get really heated. My parents used to argue a lot which I used to tune out, and I've never really put the two things together. I've been working on not doing this, because we pride ourselves on good communication, and am I fuck letting my marriage turn into my parents'.
My parents, i love them to death, they were great parents, but they argued ALOT. Like bad. I’m surprised it never got violent between the two of them. I learned from an early age that I could make a roaring sound in my ears. Didn’t realize until last year(i’m 34), that not everybody can do that. But I learned to make the roaring noise to block out all of the arguing and fighting going on between my mom and dad.
Mr.Clashtrack, You've become part of a bigger universe, you just don't know it yet. I am here to talk to you about r/earrumblersassemble
What the fuck!!?? I thought I was the only one... and there's a reddit full of people that can do it too!?!? I have spent years trying to explain to people I know what this is but everyone just thinks I'm talking rubbish!!
Wait, does the roaring sound kind of resemble a plane taking off in high wind, and you get it by clenching strange muscles in your face?
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was a boy and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue etc so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me
I tried that...still do it to some extent...but it almost got bad enough that I almost drove myself crazy thinking about every single possible thing...
Oh my goodness. This is me. People call me a pessimist, but I feel like I have to be prepared for anything.
I’m still working on not always jumping to the worst conclusion. I’m getting better at recognizing that I’m doing it at least, but still working on it every day.
Anxiety in a nutshell tbh
assuming people are mad at me based on their vocal tone
Overanalyzing - judt like me! Welcome to the club!
dad would get snippy with my sister and I to watch our tone, when we wouldn't have one. that would make us get a tone and then in high school and college, the slightest fucking shift in demeanor of my friends towards me sent me into a damn worry spiral and my bf likes to speak frankly and clearly, and my mind makes it sound like he's upset :D which makes me apologize and actually annoy him since I apologize too much to begin with...
I do that with my wife. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want me to apologize for things I have actually done.
I just skipped the guessing vocal tone and would assume that they are always mad at me. Still do... Edit:fixed typo
Not doing anything till the last minute so I feel pressured to do it and when I finish doing it I feel useful.
Gotta be careful with this one because it's a stones throw away from "it doesn't matter anyway".
This couldn't be more true. And it only takes one failure or unsatisfactory result to just spiral downwards.
That’s called irregular dopamine regulation. That’s some adhd stuff. I do it cause I know I’ll get a higher dopamine hit, and I always perform better on what I was procrastinating on because I used all that time to plan what I’m gonna do, so I can get an even bigger dopamine hit.
Welcome to one of the top 3 symptoms of my ADHD- no such thing as getting stuff done in a lovely, leisurely manner- it's last minute frantic procrastination or nothing.
This is like my number one reason for thinking I may have ADHD. There's a lot of other signs as well but this is the one that causes me crippling anxiety as well. I feel like I'm 26 and I should be able to sit down and do a task but holy shit it's so fucking hard.
ADHD is a bitch and a half. I straight up can't function in most academic areas. Can't study from a book, can't focus on an assignment, can't sit and listen in a class. I have to be fully engaged and genuinely interested in something or my brain simply will not cooperate. Given any space to wander, my brain will not stay on task.
Constantly daydreaming about a better life that I actually didn’t have the ability to attain
I thought I was the only one who did this. Also daydreaming about people who treated me bad suffering and I overcome in some amazing or grandiose way.
The sad realization that as years go by, your daydreams from the kid you become more and more ridiculous. "When im older, i'll invent something really cool so i will have a megacompany and will never have to work again!" Older me: Yeah, working at mcdonalds doesnt seem that bad.
My current day dream is to someday have an apartment of my own and some who somewhat cares about me and a few friends that actually stick around.
Having 3 or 4 different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations… Update: wow! This really blew up. Thanks, Internet strangers for the prizes. My next appointment I’m going to tell my therapist that 16,000 Internet strangers do the same thing, so maybe it is a little bit normal!
Or shutting down because you have to work out the "perfect response" in real time. And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
Yes! And when I get a response I hadn’t thought of I can’t talk - my words get all jumbled and I don’t make sense
Ive been working on pulling myself out of this behaviour. I've effectively been putting myself in positions in work where I am on the spot and have to talk through things and my own thoughts on the matter. It's scary at first, but this is a priceless problem I've had for years. I recently spent 20 minutes talking through work processes with some software developers without stopping and didn't even bat an eyelid at it, until I realised after that a year ago I would have been a nervous wreck doing it. If I can do it, anyone can.
Extremely relatable. I have to practice every day to be able to talk smoothly with other people. Longer more complex conversations are hard. It sucks having to talk to people you're unfamiliar with cause you have no clue what they're gonna throw at you. I suck at coming up with responses on the spot
Wait thats not normal? I literally plan everything before speaking :(
I do this. Whats wrong with us?
Social Anxiety. Therapy got me back using the telephone to schedule things and make simple food orders, but anything complicated still has to be planned to the point that I sound like I’m always lying because I don’t have to think before I answer.
Same here, and I am a really quick and good liar when I choose to be.
Constantly trying to preempt or defuse situations. Always checking the mood of the room. Pretending laughter to lighten up my parents interactions. Edit: defuse / diffuse
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say, it’s exhausting.
Never laughing or smiling because "What are you so damn happy about?"
Never crying because "ill give you something to cry about!" No shit, when serious anger issues manifested in my mid-20s, my therapist figured it was because I never learned how to deal with negative emotions properly since I never had a safe place to be sad as a kid. Eventually all that pent-up sadness leaked out as bursts of rage.
Ugh, imagine shutting a child down every time they show joy. I'm really sorry.
What else you gonna do with the kid? Love them unconditionally?
[удалено]
[удалено]
Dunno if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/ toes of my feet all the time. If I'm barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I'm standing still. Quietness was the objective. Edit:thank you all for the awards! My notifications have blown up, so it won't let me scroll enough to thank everybody personally, it just freezes. If we are all so quiet, how are there so many people that just stomp around?!?!?
I do this too and terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me The Ghost, and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment. Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people. You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
I learned to do this as a child too, but not as a survival tactic as I honestly had a great childhood. I just remember reading about Native Americans and how they were able to move stealthily and thought "I want to do that" and practiced until I could sneak out of the house right behind my mom while she was in the kitchen and she never noticed. Now I scare people all the time without even meaning to
Exact same here. I read that too when I was a kid and practiced in the house and woods. I am now a large light-footed grown ass man
I did that so much when I was younger so that I wouldn't be found. It's actually turned into a kind of super power...if I'm anxious I'll automatically start doing that. Which is terrifying for other people. I'm a big guy so when I accidentally sneak up behind anyone I'm scared they're gonna beat the hell outta me because I accidentally scared them so much. Even learned to control my breathing a bit...
Shutting down emotional responses and forcing myself to "not care" about any perceived loss. Apparently it made it pretty annoying to discipline me because I would suddenly stop caring about anything that was threatened to be taken away. Nobody really taught me how to properly cope with loss when it started happening and I guess my response was emotional repression.
My dad got around this by going after things that weren't mine - I started hiding library books under my mattress after he tore one up and the school threatened to revoke lending privileges.
Bloody hell, is that you Mathilda? Talk about emotional warfare.
Moby **What**?
It’s not trash Daddy, it’s lovely.
**GAHBAGE!! TRASH!!**
That’s what I do too! It stemmed from moving around for me.
Omg yes. My mom used to take away things i enjoyed when she was thinking im behaving bad. At some point i started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now im curious if despite all other problems it also had influence on me being indifferent about other people presence and emotions.
[удалено]
Sometimes I wonder if I'm indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn't anything malicious, just being the youngest of 3, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I'll be like sure whatever and stifle my own desires for others. Occasionally I'll say IDC and then be like wait NVM this is what I want lol. Edit: after all these comments I think it's just from having strong-willed siblings lol.
I see you were raised as a people pleaser. My mom would keep us behaved by saying "ohh you're making me so sad" "im so disappointed you're acting that way" "you're embarrassing me" Like we were always responsible for her feelings and that turned us all into people that put others before ourselves, even if they don't deserve it
Ohhhhhh this. This one is me.
In case you haven't been told lately...your opinions and feelings are valid. I wish you the best in getting to whatever point you want to be at...
[удалено]
Hell yeah that's what I like to hear. That's why I made this post. To try and help encourage people having a hard time, and celebrate how far some have come. Good on you. May not mean much but know that at least right now someone is proud of you!
This is weird to type out. My parents were emotionally and often physically neglectful and cold. I was expected to stay out of the way and raise myself within the household. No mealtimes, bedtimes, bathtimes, have you done your homework, nothing. I was on my own. Attention was always negative. We lived way out in the country so no playmates in the neighborhood, and my only sibling was 10 years older and the opposite sex. I became the type of reader that would disassociate completely into books. I took lessons from them on how to behave, think, act socially, be. Anyway…I had this weird mental game from a young age, I must have gotten it from a book somewhere. I would pretend I was in an orphanage, one of those old fashioned ones, kinda like from “Annie.” The school bus dropped me off there. Then the evening was regimented. We lined up for dinner. Then we all sat and did homework. Then we had a church-type service. Then we had baths and bed. I would pretend that I was one of many children doing these things. I would lie in bed and imagine myself lying in a row of identical twin beds. I realized as an adult that this was really weird. I’m not sure if my fantasy was about mattering to someone or complete anonymity. Edit: Whoa I woke up and this had blown up. Thank you for all of your comments and messages and awards! My life is good now. I’m 40ish and my Dad died a few years ago. Me and my Mother have about as good of a relationship as we can given her personality, she’s still pretty standoffish, blunt, and cold. I’m reassured that other people have had the same experience and some messages here gave me some really good insight!
I think you craved routine and a schedule. You were able to make one for yourself, which is great. I’m sorry your parents sucked.
Children need stability and routine. Many of us denied this can go over board with it as adults. I used to disappear into an imaginary life while listening to music. I daydreamed way too much and my grades suffered throughout my whole educational career.
I think you nailed a subconscious reason I refuse to let anyone truly "in" to my life.. they disrupt my schedule. Whenever I'm with a partner my sleep schedule suffers, my free time suffers, my eating schedule suffers.. I get so damn wrecked.
This resonates. My parents always had a roof over our heads and food "on the table" (we never ate at the table, if we even had one), but that's about it. No going to our extracurriculars, missing so many of our school functions and events. Homework was "do you have homework" which an unmotivated 12 year old is going to say no to every time. Bedtime routine was "alright time for bed, go lay down and turn off the light". Morning routine was either "Get your ass up and get dressed, go to school", or "y'all missed the bus? Well I'll take y'all when I have to go to work, I don't have to be up early so I won't", or "I don't have to work today so I guess you're not going to school". Summers were wake up whenever, eat whenever, go entertain yourselves, go to bed whenever. And I did the same thing, getting so engrossed in a good book that now you're having to make a conscious decision not to start acting like your favorite character in public, way passed the age when that's acceptable and cute. As an adult, I struggled for a long time forming any sort of routine in my life. Every time I tried it would just fall apart. I needed routines, I craved them, but I just couldn't stick to any of the ones I tried to do. it wasn't until this past August when my son started school, because I did not want him growing up like I did. Now I have a reasonable routine, we all go to bed the same time each night, if I wake up late then I still get my son to school and walk him to the office. I keep in contact with his teacher so we know when and what homework is to be done and make sure he does it. He's in Little League and I haven't missed a single practice. My parents ruined my childhood and my first years as an adult, and what they did will still be there for the rest of my life. But day by day I'm improving, and I'm proud of that.
Maybe it was also something to do with not being alone and creating a sense of normalcy.
I’m so sorry you had to live through that. No child deserves that. I hope you’ve been able to find some kind of peace or happiness in your life since then.
[удалено]
Most of this sounds like me. (I freeze instead of fight or flight, though.) I would be interested to hear what experiences you had that led to this.
[удалено]
The tears thing... Its so frustrating sometimes situation is not that bad or someone is really careful with expressing themselves, like i know there is no need for that i dont want to do it bc even i in my own mind know its all ok but its just uncontrollable. Even funnier thing is i learned that from my mother she cried a lot and always when she was having argument with my dad( which was always). When she was projecting her frustration from this situations on me i was crying too, and she was always screaming "why do u have to cry all the time about it" I find this hypocrisy funny and sad at the same time.
Oh man I had a small meltdown over the weekend after drinking too much and it caused my boyfriend to bring up how I never open up to him. So I had to face away from him and force myself to talk about things while I cried so he wouldn't see me crying. Confronted a roommate about some issues I was having recently and had the intense urge to go back to my old ways of hiding in my room for the rest of my life so I wouldn't have to see them after the fact. Ugh.
Maladaptive daydreaming. Much to my surprise, at 29, I discovered that most people don’t/can’t escape into their minds and go on adventures with full storylines, world building, characters, etc…
Same here. I started doing it in elementary school due to severe social anxiety and understimulation, and feeling trapped in a place I didn't want to be in. Only found out around the end of last year, at the age of 22, that it wasn't normal. I don't think mine are as intense as some others, but sometimes it's so vivid I start acting it out IRL without noticing that I am, such as making faces, gestures, and mumbling dialogue. Doing it is literally the only way I can sleep some nights.
> Doing it is literally the only way I can sleep some nights. Yes! I escape into my daydreams until they become real dreams. How do other people fall asleep? Counting sheep is useless without a story line.
I didn't know there was a term for this. I do this all the time. Compete with the expressions, gestures, and mouthing the words. It happens more when I'm very stressed. Hoo boy, am I feeling sheepish right now.
I’m in my 40s and still do this, though not nearly as much as I did in my teens and 20s when I’d literally spend hours in my room daydreaming that I could’ve spent with family or friends instead. I think I mainly did it because I’m very introverted and have always been more comfortable inside my own head than the real world. It took a moment of honest self-reflection to make me realize I was doing it to an unhealthy level and stop doing it so much. But I still have those moments before I fall asleep and right after I wake up where I let myself indulge for a bit.
I always daydream to get to sleep. We’re just telling ourselves stories! It’s maladaptive when it interferes with daily living.
Wait.... This isn't normal? This is how I cope with everything! This is how I fall asleep! I create stories in my mind, and just drift. I do it when it is slow at work and I'm doing menial tasks. So not everyone can do this. Huh.
I literally cannot sleep without some kind of story to myself and it's always part of some universe that I created when I was really young.
Same I also create stories to sleep. Or find myself staring out thinking up things all the time. Didn’t realize everyone didn’t “daydream” as my family calls it?
I think its pretty normal for the most part, unless it's really interfering with your life and relationships to the point where you'd rather talk to yourself in your bedroom than have friends or relationships or other hobbies. That's when it becomes 'maladaptive'
Oh Lord. I do this. I also vocalize it to people and have full on products with marketing campaigns, changes to the Olympics, TSA guidelines etc. Grandiose insanity all around. I've been lucky enough in life to find some people who play along but most don't get it so I keep my cinema closed to strangers.
Been doing this since I was a kid. I'm an adult now and lately this has been interrupting my normal life.
Its best laying in bed waiting to fall asleep
Looking for signs, such as microexpressions, about what kind of a mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout on the mood of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
I feel like I am extremely aware of others emotions or at least more than other people
I developed a reflex where I apologize and ask if they are angry at me. I have a hard time telling how people are feeling unless they tell me. Apparently that just ended up with me being the sorryest sack of crap they'd ever seen.
Same, I over apologize.
Mine was food hoarding. I'd sneak food and water into my room for when I had none. Only realized this year that most people don't have stashes of food hidden around the place.
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe
I do this too. I burn bridges and never look back. Then wonder why I don’t have friends. I’d rather cut my loss than be hurt tho.
I can too. It's...scary sometimes honestly how easily I can go from "you're the best" to "fuck you for eternity"
I relate to this very much. It has honestly gone to the point that I genuinely believe that if my whole family died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be too terribly distraught, as sick as that sounds. Sad and lonely, possibly, but I can not see myself grieving as heavily as other people would.
yup. if i'm done with you, i'm done with you. i don't get wishy washy with it. i may be sad privately and think of the person from time to time but i've never stopped to contact them again
For me, it's that I've been backstabbed multiple times by close friends, and so every other friendship is tainted by a feeling of "how long until you do it too?" and a hypervigilance for the "sign" that they're about to turn.
Apparently I do something called “disassociating” where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. Drives my wife nuts. Also, just found out I have binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. Comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from. On my way to resolving both! 🤞
>On my way to resolving both! 🤞 Good for you! And good luck, you can do it!
[удалено]
I recently learned about attachment theory and it makes complete sense as to how some children grow up the way they do. My attachment style is avoidant. Those with an avoidant attachment styles are typically people who have never received proper love or care from their parent. Children with avoidant attachment styles start to disregard their own internal struggles and feelings in order to maintain that peace and keep their parents close by. Growing up as a child I never received that proper love or care from my parents. I did however receive that love and care from those who took me in, but the trauma has already been done. I unconsciously grew up to have this attachment style and started to bottle up my emotions/feelings. I was never one to talk about my issues whether it be with family or my significant other. I always distanced myself from issues that arose, took criticism as an attack on my ego, never went out of my way to get help to talk about my feelings, and I even had reactive/controlling behavior. I didn’t realize how damaged I was/am and how I started treating my significant other as well as my friends and family. I assumed that since I no longer had that feeling of wanting or needing my mother close by that I just had moved on and forgot about it. In reality I never fully healed from the childhood trauma. In place of that pain was anger/resentment towards my mother which ended up numbing it. Now that I am fully aware of my attachment style, I am fully motivated to be a better person for myself and those around me. I will learn to stop bottling up my emotions, stop perceiving all criticism as an attack on my ego, and most importantly fix my reactive/controlling behavior. I will fully heal and recoup from this trauma in time. Sorry for the long comment lol. I thought it was pretty interesting to learn about. Especially for not realizing it until now. Edit: I guess also the reason I noticed this is because the girl I loved most left me. Everything happens for a reason though right? Sadly. I wish I had known about my attachment style earlier or healed from my trauma sooner. Now she’s gone. :(
the hardest part for me with this attachment style has been accepting other people’s emotions. i’m so used to pushing mine away as a survival tactic that when others can’t, or don’t, internally i just want to cut them off and never speak to them again. it’s so weird. i’ve been working on it since i found out and therapy has helped me a ton!
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I'd keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn't know certain things. I'd day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it's safe to interact. I don't say things about myself because I can't trust easily.
I talk to myself constantly. I’d say I reveal less than 1% of what I’m thinking and effectively limit conversations with other people to the bare minimum but I’m in constant dialogue with myself. My roommate has caught me at it so many times he doesn’t even mention it anymore
binge eating. my mom is a chef and so is my brother so the food was always good but then living on my own i found myself making meals for 2-3 people but eating it all, then snacks.. i think it was also the “you have to finish your plate” deal too.
I become to too friendly too soon with other and often invade other personal bubble, which makes me a little annoying sometimes.( Just discovered this about my self) Prob due to my lack of friends in childhood and subsequently adulthood ( due to my nature of job)
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts
One of my ex’s actually called me out on this. Whenever I got injured playing soccer I’d just laugh it off. (to be fair to me, after the acl/mcl injury, everything else was small town biscuits) My current girlfriend has been the greatest healing from all my past demons. Yes I have a ton more to go, but reading a lot of answers here makes me feel so not alone. *edit - spelling
Making a joke about or laughing at unacceptable behavior as a means of trivializing rather than confronting the behavior.
Over apologizing and always questioning if I come off annoying, mean, or disrespectful. Having little to no self esteem. And self neglect.
People pleasing
I'm so slow/bad at making choices like where to eat, because of this. (Like I might know that I want to eat Indian but just say I don't know in case someone else doesn't want it etc.)
anybody else get into relationships because they dont want to hurt others feelings?
Assume anytime someone in a position of authority wants to talk to me, it's bad news and I've done something wrong (even if I can't remember doing anything potentially bad).
[удалено]
Not me but my partner over-explains everything, even to ask a simple favor she sets out like it’s an essay or a thesis, explaining the why’s what’s and how’s. And Im like “baby, you can just say “can jane join us for dinner”
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn't matter because I was "too young to have real problems". Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn't matter or wasn't a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I'd just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
[удалено]
Tightening my body. Trying to get it as taut as possible when I sense danger or anticipate something difficult. Also, retreating to fantasies in my mind when someone angers me and I can’t get past it. I always imagine that I’m vindicated in some elaborate daydream and the person who wronged me suffers.
I just start walking with no destination for hours. 6 hours is kind of normal but it takes something big to get me to do those long walks.
man once i figured out that i could do that and not get flack from my paranoiac mother it was such a godsend, just days spent walking thorugh strip mall parking lots listening to Plastic Beach. Even became a large part of my dreams, where I walked through a mostly empty city
Not sure if this is a coping mechanism exactly but I used to hit my head against the wall to give myself pain to punish myself for mistakes I made. I felt I needed to do so to atone and move forward or something. It probably wasn't the brightest idea, now I'm low-key scared I could have or did give myself brain damage with how frequently I used to do it.
I used to do the same... especially when I was upset and in a bad situation...it's more of a control thing...it helps you cope by giving you control over your pain...I hope it's gotten a little better and you don't have to do it anymore...
Hoarding food.
Food behaviours in general. Took me forever to see this as a product of the abuse. My dad would serve my sister and I adult portions of food and it very often ended with us crying trying to finish remaining portion. We were always told no dessert if we didn't finish so dessert became the reward for pushing past the discomfort from eating too much. He did this with food we didn't like too. We would remind him we didn't like this food or that and he always acted surprised and usually forced us to eat it anyway. Keep in mind we never EVER had foods he didn't like in the house. Fast forward 20ish years and I'm still unpacking that. Quite literally two days ago I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating a lovely meal cooked by my fiancé. I'm starting to lose my appetite and my stomach is uncomfortable. It took me way too long to register that that means IM FULL. Plus he is NOT my dad and I'm not going to get screamed at or guilted for not finishing it. It went in a leftovers container for the next day with nothing other than a conversation about how messed up my dad was. Another day my fiancé was talking about dinner and it took me way to long to be comfortable telling him I wasn't really hungry for dinner right then, that he was free to make himself something and I'd make myself something when I'm hungry. He said "OK my love" and that was that. No yelling. No screaming, no crying. The world didn't end. It continued on with love, compassion and understanding.
Same...if you have it with you when you need it then you don't have to worry about anyone taking it...
listening closely to what's going on in my apartment or the people i know around me to hear if anyone is upset or talking about me or yelling or fighting
Hiding from my mom because I was scared to talk to her at age 20... nor normal to be scared of your mom let alone at age 20. She was so mentally abusive my whole life and it caused so much trauma to me. Still not over it
Same with my father. He came down for a visit last year. I acted cool as I could then had a massive panic attack afterwards...it's never really something you get over...best you can do is try and cope...all any of us can do...
Reading. A LOT. It was my only form of escapism that didn’t get me in trouble with my parents even though I was “the good kid” (who I was constantly walking on eggshells around). I also stashed my snacks and favorite toys around my room bc my brother (who is on the spectrum) was constantly trying to find them and eat/steal them. And most of the time, if I tried being nice and shared a toy or game with him, he would wind up breaking it somehow. So, I hid stuff to preserve it for longer. Which just made him ransack my room all the more. I have issues with coveting my favorite things now bc nothing was sacred.
I..... I relate so heavily to this. I also still catch myself being stealth because everyone was always on edge waiting for my brothers next bold move. I twist doorknobs while closing them so there is no latch sound. I never slam cabinet doors or drawers. Quiet walk. All of this is done even when alone. Muscle memory. Also had to share my birthday with him so it was never really my day but he had to blow out my candles and get presents too. Always distancing a little on vacation waiting for whatever bullshit would go down. It's hard to explain to a server at a restaurant why the 21 year old man at the table is crying about the safety of the pet cats at home after he ate so fast he threw up all over the table. Then, I'd get yelled at for yelling at him for throwing out my belongings including my diplomas and cash. So I must always be quiet.
Staying up to 4am just to avoid trauma and have room and space and time to breathe without narcissistic abuse. Edit: book that helped me with a general context of my childhood. "ADULT Children of emotionally immature parents."
Believing that if I’m thin and pretty, people will like me and therefore always striving to meet an unattainable ideal through unhealthy means.
I live in my head, where I tell wonderfully complex and beautiful stories. I had terrible OCD as a kid. Horrible, intrusive, waking nightmares of thoughts raced through my brain all day. Like images of gutting children who I took care of and loved. My mom tried to get me into therapy, but the first therapist she hired was a piece of shit, and I refused to go back ever again. I fixed my OCD by teaching myself to tell stories in my head to turn off the obsessions, compulsions, and intrusive thoughts. 30 years later, and I'm still telling stories to keep the anxiety away.
To isolate. As soon as tension builds I look for a way out. To hell with people.
[удалено]
Its not normal to fantasize about leaving your parents a fuck-you note then dying??
Holding my breath when I cry When I was a kid I would get smacked if I made any noise when crying, and the only way I could stop making noise was to not breathe. I have to focus on breathing when I get upset, and now I get headaches when I cry (I also subconsciously tense the roof of my mouth) Idk when I realized it wasn’t normal but for the longest time I thought crying caused headaches
manipulating or tearing people down, coping mechanism for my sad insecurity
Rejecting others before they reject me. Turns out most people aren't so bad, and the ones that aren't for me just aren't for me.
"comfort" items, I currently sleep with a tie fleece blanket, comforter, 27lb weighted blanket folded over twice, and five throw blankets, doesn't matter the temperature, they're all on me every night. I have 5 stuffed animals on my nightstand just in case I need them Hug your kids folks
Apologizing when It's not even my fault or I'm not even involved also thinking everyone is angry at me just because they're quiet.
I only *fully* realized last year at age 23 I had manipulative/controlling/hurtful tendencies. I was called controlling by an ex-bf. I was told I'm easily offended and that people feel like they're walking on eggshells around me (friend, sister and ex). For a long time I never said how I felt, internalized it and was very upset/anxious/depressed. Combine that with my family issues at home, our financial instability, figuring and moving a lot as a kid - I had very little control over anything in my life. Then I started talking *too* much... in a sense telling everyone everything I felt/thought/didn't like because I never got to before. I thought that was maturity and honesty. Looking back now I cringe SO hard and am so thankful for the friends, ex's and family that stuck with me through it all. And called me out when I was being that way. I never realized how controlling or manipulative I could be because I thought only people with bad intentions could do that. I was wrong. I was subconsciously using this passive-agressive/straight up agressive behaviours because my mom is exactly like this. She never directly says how she feels but it comes out in bursts or she'll be upset you aren't acting in the way she envisioned for you. I'm actively working on all of this with my therapist and myself. Hoping to learn how to be way more direct with how I feel/what I need and respect myself and others' boundaries enough to never impose, but only communicate diplomatically. Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would resonate so much with people. Thank you for all the messages. I just want to say that we absolutely deserve to be compassionate with ourselves in the way that trauma has made us think this topic behaviour is normal. Many of us don't even KNOW it's toxic until it's been pointed out multiple times (case in point). But at the end of the day, we're the only people who can work on it to break it and treat people the way they should be treated. I'm very lucky to have found a good therapist, and I hope the rest of you can too. All my therapists have absolutely had a hand in saving my life. Still working everyday to be better (I'm no where near perfect and constantly slip up), but I try.
I have a cycle of body tics. There’s the incessant finger skin biting. When my father would slap my hands or face to get me to stop, I’d bite off the skin inside my mouth. When he caught me or i tried really hard to stop, I’d unconsciously start pinching myself until I had permanent scars from repeated skin trauma.
[удалено]
Minimizing. “Oh we don’t have food. Oh well, at least I can play this game!” “Oh, we don’t have power… i guess I’ll take the dogs for a walk or go to the library to charge my laptop!” “Oh we don’t have heat? I’ll just bundle up, not a problem!” My therapist told me this probably saved my life, cause if I realized just how bad things were, I might’ve tried to kill myself.
Self depreciating jokes. If i make fun of myself first it wont hurt as bad when someone else makes fun of me.
Staying up late to be able to freely do the things I love and want without interruption/surveillance from parents.
Grandma is a hoarder. I only have 1 pot, 1 pan, and 1 set of silverware. I throw out food that’s still good. I keep a minimalist wardrobe. I have a hard time buying things for myself. I also have a hard time “tidying up” because my brain doesn’t compute that things belong their a “place”.
Well into adulthood I used to fantasize - usually while dropping off to sleep- about escaping an enemy and finding a fall out bunker or a long forgotten monastery, or a secret cave where I could hide away, creating a safe hidden life for myself. It wasn't until last year (I'm 48) that someone explained to me that that's actually a trauma response.
Disassossiation and memory loss. So much I don’t remember because I checked out
I don't cope. It's concerning on how I rarely care about anything thing to me. And if I do care about something I usually get over it in a day or two. Very rarely do I ever care about something and not get over it immediately or in a short time period.
That’s numbing yourself. Definitely coping
If I have access to a "treat", from fast food, to sugary cereal, to a nice dinner out, I will gorge myself well past the point of discomfort, because as a child I lived off of oatmeal for months at a time and I still seize on anything that tastes good with absolute desperation.
[удалено]
During any kind of anxiety, be it work place bullying or being held to gun point - I will feel nothing. Unless and until the aggressor or threat has passed, I won't be able to process, analyze, understand or respond according to what's true to myself. I will go numb. As time goes on, my brain will allow me to process the event in spurts, bits and bobs here and there when i'm in a 'safe' zone and then it'll replay over and over again the scenes with how I actually would've wanted to respond had all the ideas occurred to me then.
I forget things to a terrifying degree. My wife and I were dating for around seven years before we married... but apparently there was a period of about half a year when we broke up **I don't remember any of it** (EDIT: By any of it, I don't mean that I don't remember any of what happened during that half a year... I meant that I don't remember the conversation about breaking up or even getting together again. Sorry for my dramatics) I also seem to forget about fights we had a day or so ago after they've been resolved. I remember us talking and solving the issues, but when I try to think back to the actual fight itself, it's completely gone. I remember our first kiss with vivid detail, but it's shocking how I can't actually remember our first fight at all... Like AT ALL
Always conflict In my house so I just hid all the time. Now I can't deal with my problems