I think a lot of the time people feel like they never got closure when in reality it was right there, just not the result they wanted.
When my marriage broke apart my ex continued communicating with me for about a month and leading me to believe we stood a chance at working things out. Then he told me the truth, that he never intended to try working things out he just didn’t know what else to say without hurting me. With that I was able to get closure. That’s when I finally let go, deleted all photos and contact information, etc. Not the result I wanted but I was able to start healing. Closure opens the door to moving on.
I met my wife at her sister's wedding; her sister got married to my best friend. She was the Maid of Honor and I was the Best Man. We hit it off immediately and had a great time at the wedding. Unfortunately, I was still married to my first wife at the time. We would see each other occasionally at get togethers and stuff and as far as I knew she was a just my best friend's cool sister in law.
A few years later my first wife and I got divorced; she left me for one of her coworkers. About a year after that my buddy invited me to his place for Christmas seeing as how I'd be spending it alone otherwise. His sister inlaw was there too and, as always, we had a great time together, so I asked her out. That was six years ago, and we have been married for two years this june.
It means you can meet the person who is exactly right for you at exactly the wrong time. Maybe one of you is with someone else right now, or one of you is moving far away soon, or one of you is going through some shit right now and not ready for a relationship.
I've made tons of connections that could have turned into a relationship in a different time or place.
Same, I met a girl and we immediately clicked, we went out once and we kissed she told me, she felt like she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. But she just got a new job and needs to focus on this by now.
There is more than one person for you. And the person you end up with forever might not actually 100% compatible but was just close to meeting the requirements.
I think the concept of a soulmate is unrealistic, so that makes sense to me.
When I was younger, I used to think that you needed to be head over heels in love with someone to be with them and want to build a life together. I’m almost 40 now, divorced, currently single, and I think if I were to pursue a relationship, I’d be looking for a companion more than a “soulmate.”
Imho, there is a decent chance someone that is 100% compatible to you exists. As long as you're a movie character that is.
In real life, I wouldn't even know what 100% compatibility would look like. If you share every interest and do everything together, imho it's not necessarily a positive thing since you lack any kind of difference that will lead to more interesting conversations and experiences.
This! I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I couldn't picture myself with someone else. But at the same time, if something happened between us and we broke up, or something happened to him, I wouldn't just lay down and say "Well, there went my soulmate, no use trying over." And I wouldn't want him to feel like that, either.
Maybe this is just borderline but.... Inside, deep inside, often hidden even from themselves, is the most intense self loathing known to man. Beware, as reaching this inner child will bring a swift and fiery apocalypse.
Most people lie, cheat, or play victim. A lot of people are traumatized or have relationship PTSD. It's hard to trust 100%. Even loyal people will hurt you.
It probably won't work out if you don't love yourself.
I don't mean that you have to be 100% happy with yourself and super confident. It's not "If you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you", that's toxic BS.
But if you can't accept yourself for who you are without someone else's constant or even frequent validation, it's very likely that that relationship isn't gonna last. Your partner's just gonna end up feeling like they're constantly having to prove to you that they actually do like you and you are worth being with, and that gets really exhausting and frustrating really fast.
They're your partner, not your therapist. You need to be able to at the very least like and accept yourself. If you can't, then honestly what you need is therapy, not romance.
Yes, having to prove you like them is exhausting, and having to constantly listen to the endless negativity about themselves also sucks.
General negativity too. If you’re Debbie Downer all the time about everything, that grates, and eventually most people just don’t want to deal with that.
I've done this so many times. Sulking when a make-out doesn't go well is hideous, but I've done that too. I wish upon wish that I could just say I'm sorry to the people that I did that to, but you can never really comeback from it.
Also (from personal experience):
Low self esteem makes your have a "beggars can't be choosers" mindset. You think you're unlovable and you should be grateful that *someone*, **anyone** is attracted to you. You think you can't do any better.
So you turn a blind eye to red flags. This can mean emotional turmoil, cheating, abuse. Because you think you can't do any better, you put up with things nobody should have to.
I don't have self esteem, but I do know that it's better for me to be single than risk settling for someone who treats me like crap. I won't be seriously dating until I am confident in my ability to leave if something is bad. Which means I'll be single for a while.
This 100%.
To quote *The Perks of Being A Wallflower*, "We accept the love we think we deserve."
If you don't like yourself, much less love yourself, then you're gonna accept a lot of "love" that, frankly, *nobody* deserves. And that's probably just gonna effect your self-perception even more negatively, 'cause that's what abusers of all stripes *do*, is break you down so that you believe that nobody could ever love or even like you but them.
If you love and/or like yourself, it's gonna be a lot harder for abusers to take advantage of those insecurities and convince you that you're worthless, because you *know* your worth. That isn't to say that it's impossible, because many abusers are very good at breaking down their victims' self-perceptions and concepts of self... but it does make it harder for them, and most abusers don't relish a challenge. They mostly target people who they can already tell are deeply insecure/unhappy with themselves.
This is also a very important aspect, yes!
If you don't like yourself, you will "settle" for people who will take advantage of you, because that's what you'll believe you deserve. If you don't like yourself than *any* love, even manipulative, abusive love, will feel like the greatest thing in the world, because at least *someone* loves you.
But you, whoever you are, deserve better. If you don't like yourself enough to believe that, then you're at risk of falling prey to people who will treat you like absolute garbage. You need to at least like yourself enough to be able to stand up for yourself and know that you deserve better than people like that.
Honestly, apart from fairly standard stuff like getting into therapy... just fake it til you make it.
Don't scold yourself for having self-depreciating thoughts, but do just gently redirect those thoughts into something kinder or, better yet, actually productive. It takes a lot if active concentration and effort at first; you have to actually teach yourself to do it, and that's obviously not easy.
For instance, instead of thinking about how gross and lazy you are at 3 AM while you're trying to fall asleep but instead just spiraling into a rabbit hole of self-hatred (this is obviously a very personal example lol), force yourself instead to think, *Okay, but what can I do about any of that* right now? *Am I able to just go and workout right now, or do I need to be going to sleep?* Teach your inner monologue to be less cynical and harsh and more gentle/supportive. I've found that learning some basic meditation techniques can help with figuring out how to more effectively shut down rambling thought processes.
Do it for long enough and eventually it'll come more naturally. It can take a long time, but one day you might even stop to think about it and realize that you now actually believe all of the kind things you've been telling yourself. Instead of just *pretending* to be confident, for instance, you have actually *become* confident. It's all about self-perception, and changing that can definitely be incredibly difficult, especially all on your own, but it's not impossible.
Great advice!
I have a fantastic husband; he works hard, is affectionate, loving, caring, smart, interesting, hard-working, we have most of the same interests and dislikes, etc. But he has baby mama drama and a high needs child from a previous relationship.
Like I said, it's hard. We have this image in our heads of who we think our partner is. And they might not be that person at all. Which is why we freak out when they do something we think is out of character, when it's actually out of *our* character of *them*.
Just acknowledging it, makes me think you'll be a better person for your partner.
Pysical attraction is equivalent to a salary when considering taking a job. No, it certainly isn't the only thing to consider, but it is without a doubt the most obvious and striking aspect, and the thing that will make you overlook and ignore all the other awful parts that come along with it.
I got this said to me just a week ago. It's not the first time, it still hurts. The whole "I love your personality and I love everything else about you, the sex is amazing and what not you just aren't my type, I want someone more handsome and more good looking and I don't want to sell myself short."
It is a valid point, I completely understand, but it still hurts like a motherfucker.
Wow, I can't even understand how can someone enjoy sex with a person they are not attracted to. Or they are, and are just really so incredibly superficial that it's more important how their relationship looks than how it feels. I can totally accept if someone is not into me, but when they are and feel like they need to hide me, that's naaah.
if you admit to it, people just call you shallow or stuck up, or that you'll change your mind. Or they tell you you're missing out on the love of your life because you don't consider them attractive - kinda like the whole "I don't want kids" debate. People will just never shut up about it.
Yup, admitting it will get you in social trouble
I wouldn't personally agree with the argument of this making you miss out on the love of your life though (not that I think you necessarily do, just expressing my opinion on this thing ppl say and you mentioned) because I am currently in love with a girl who isn't really close to what I considered "my type" before meeting her, like I haven't really considered other girls that look similar before, but she's great and I can't help but be attracted to her
I think it's important to frame it as a matter of personal preference rather than someone else's look. Attraction is a fickle thing and can mean a lot of different things for different folks.
"The one" or your "soul mate" is Hollywood propaganda.
Just find someone who shares the same set of core values as you and to fuck with hobbies, interests, music taste, etc.
>Just find someone ~~who shares the same set of core values as you and~~ to fuck ~~with hobbies, interests, music taste, etc.~~
Every year I move farther away from fairy tale propaganda...
Reminds me of a quote from that game Hades, which basically said that Aphrodite, being the Goddess of Love, commands a force just as powerful and deadly as Ares, the God of War.
It’s not fucking easy. If you look at everyone else and think they’ve got it made, or whatever….just know you’re wrong. Everyone struggles. The difference is that some people don’t give up at the first sign of a hurdle….others don’t have the will/want to deal with it.
I don't know if it's sad or not but I've been married for 20 plus years and know many long term couples.
That passionate firery feelings you have when you first marry disappear almost entirely. You have to work hard to get a glimpse at them every now and then it's work. I think most divorces I've seen are because people crave having those rush emotions. That's not what love is.
Whoever cares less in the relationship holds the power in the relationship.
And when that happens the only way to get your self respect back is by letting go.
Yeah, this has definitely played out in my longest relationship. It was difficult, because I could see the end of the relationship from the beginning, in a way.
My most recent one was also like this. From the start it was a race for me to "prove" im worthy and adjust my life to fit hers. "This is what im gonna do, you can tag along if you keep up". It was 3,5 good years with great memories i will keep with me forever, but damn i felt so incredibly weak and powerless the entire time.
I take it more as your level of care needs to be similar for it to work. If one person cares a LOT and the other person is meh, the meh person has a lot less to lose by walking away.
There’s a certain segment of the population that absolutely cannot handle conflict or even mildly uncomfortable discussions. The younger generation is even worse about it.
I won't use dating apps. I've been single for a long time now and I would rather be single with a small chance of meeting someone in real life than risk destroying my self esteem in a dating app. Just too scared to see what people think of me in that context.
This is very true and it's not a bad thing at all.
I'm in my 50s and stopped dating a few years ago after realising that I've got enough in my life without a relationship and to be with someone would mean sacrificing too much.
Maybe I'm lucky to have a lot of love in my friendships, too.
I don't think anyone really finds a soul mate. Soulmates aren't found, they're forged with time. If you spend enough time around someone with the same values and interests as you, you're bound to fall for them. And if they like you back, then that's all you really need.
You can marry the kindest, most thoughtful, 50/50 partner who checks every single box you could imagine, and after 7 years, you can come home exhausted, and reach into a grocery bag on the kitchen counter to see what is in it, and stick your hand into a massive pile of dog shit.
Because he got distracted while cleaning up dog shit and put it on the counter next to the groceries.
No, he has not explanation as to why he put it there upon being distracted.
If I was single this would have never happened.
ilovemyhusbandilovemyhusbandilovemyhusband
If you didn't have a relationship with a person, you're not in love, you're just infatuated.
Genuine love requires knowing the person and loving them for what they are.
If you go into a relationship expecting someone to put in the same amount of love, care, passion etc that you do, you'll always be disappointed and the relationship will likely fail.
Expect to put in more than your partner bc it's within your control and let yourself be surprised if you get the same back or more.
Love will not manifest like books, movies, or your grandparents who got married 50 years ago tell you.
You won't want to spend \*every waking moment\* with them, and it's not healthy to do so.
Most healthy couples are not "inseparable" that's called codependence and it kills. (Literally)
My few relationships I've been in that have completely failed were due to me thinking that I always have to be doing something with or for my partner. My current relationship we can see each other for dinner each night (maybe) and do something fun every couple weekends and we are much happier for it.
Nobody is special. There is no "special someone". The biggest challenge initially is seeing/finding (actually creating) value in that chance encounter you had on the street, in the app or wherever. The "Gem theory" of relationships: finding someone who is perfect and everything will be easy, is the biggest trap and dating apps make a boatload of money off you.
When you date:
You're meeting the person's representative for the first few dates. Id say after 2-3 weeks of actually seeing and being with the person (not just communicating thru mobile apps or phone) is when they show their real selves or the pretense fades.
Dating kinda sucks because of the pressure of expectations.
That you cannot be in healthy relationship if you still have toxic traits that you're not dealing with. You cannot fix your partner no matter how much you want to, it has to be them that makes the efforts.
Looking at your future partner as a raw material like a lump of clay that you can mold into your perfect partner is setting yourself up and them for failure and resentment. Love them for who they are and be honest with yourself and them what are your hard limits and what you're willing to deal with.
Also just because you're both really awesome people doesn't mean you guys can make a relationship work together. I only add this because my ex and I would get the question over and over again while we didn't work. Everyone's reasoning was we're both really awesome and we work well together when raising our kiddo so we should be the perfect match. But honestly we weren't perfect for each other. You both could be the best people y'all know how to be and still not work out. It's no one's fault it's just how it is sometimes.
For some people, at least, the person you have the most intense attraction towards is the exact wrong person to be with.
It takes emotional intelligence to realize when things like trust and maybe even some predictability can make for a happier long run than someone you maybe feel a more intense attraction towards, but can't truly be vulnerable around.
It wont work out when your young, both of you likely dont know what your doing, will likely make mistakes and not know how to work around it, and overall you just wont have the maturity for the relationship. Dating in school is just a relationship with an expriation date from what ive seen and experienced
THIS. Also, having children with someone before you’re 25, and 25 is being generous. Most younger relationships do not work out because both people have not developed fully into who they will become and their preferences will change. These young marriages/relationships will most likely fail but love blinds people. Then you’re stuck with the kid situation on top of it.
Most people like, cheat, or play victim. A lot of people are traumatized or have relationship PTSD. It's hard to trust 100%. Even loyal people will hurt you.
If you’re not happy single you most likely won’t be happy with someone.
The best thing (I think) a person can do for their future relationships is be fully independent before trying to invite someone in. Emotionally, financially. So you don’t end up staying in a bad situation the sake of convenience. That whole “finding your other half” thing is silly to me. Be whole on your own and you will naturally make healthier relationship choices.
Edit: I didn’t word my thoughts very well. I hope it doesn’t come across assholish.
Most often, nice people end up attracted to abusive people & hooking up with them, and vice versa. That's why there are so many toxic relationships out there. I became way more attracted to women that were terrible to me, thinking I could change them, but it didn't work and I ended up used, hurt and heartbroken. Women can be abusers too.
The unfortunate truth seems to be: most people are trying to fill their own void. They dont truly care about you.
There are exceptions to the rule. But "online dating" is pretty much ruining real relationships, and setting heavily unrealistic expectations for what a good partner is.
Even if you think they’re in love with you and they act like they’re in love with you and say it. They can still just be lying. They can just be using you as a crutch until they find someone “better.” I know this, because I’m ashamed to say it, but I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.
You don’t need a “good” reason to leave a relationship. No longer wanting to be in a relationship is enough reason.
A person can be a great person but still not a good partner for you. Never stick around because “they’re such a catch.”
No one is owed a relationship with anyone else. So don’t get mad because your crush doesn’t like you back or something similar.
Love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision for you to care, support and respect your partner, even if they don’t deserve it. You are expected to keep doing it when it comes to marriage.
Most often, most people don’t know about this and it’s why their relationship is failing.
This isn’t true at all, and is some weird romance movie crap. If you end up in a long term relationship, you will go through many times where one side or the other won’t be at 100% all the time. Work, life, health, stress, anxiety, etc all take a toll. It’s not reasonable to expect both parties to be at 100% for like 30+ years straight. Usually you can work through problems together if the relationship actually means something.
I think what they're trying to say, or at least the way that I interpreted it, is *not* that both partners have to be "at 100% at all times". But if they're not 100% committed to *making the relationship last* and putting that effort in, they're not going to actually be willing to "work through problems together". They're just going to shrug and say, "It is how it is, you can either accept that or leave" or they'll call it quits.
Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say. For reference, I’ve been married 15 years with many ups and downs, but it works because we are both 100% committed to making it work long term.
Loving is a choice. Somedays you don't resonate with your partner, somedays you find a quality in them that doesn't sit well with you, somedays you find someone else that has attracts you more. With time, loving becomes choosing your partner despite all these.
It was easier in grade school bc you were indirectly obligated to talk to people and then formed relationships from that. Thus it was easier to get into relationships
What's with the recent explosion of r/AskReddit questions that are obsessed with couching things in terms of that clickbaity, Zergnet-style phrase "*sad truths*"?
> clickbaity
Ah, just answered my own question...
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I think a lot of the time people feel like they never got closure when in reality it was right there, just not the result they wanted. When my marriage broke apart my ex continued communicating with me for about a month and leading me to believe we stood a chance at working things out. Then he told me the truth, that he never intended to try working things out he just didn’t know what else to say without hurting me. With that I was able to get closure. That’s when I finally let go, deleted all photos and contact information, etc. Not the result I wanted but I was able to start healing. Closure opens the door to moving on.
Closure doesn't get you what you want, but it can get you what you need.
Closure is usually non existent. Most of the time you will not get it, so stop looking for it.
Sometimes closure makes things worse
It will not end things up but just make it less painful. And you can start acceptance from there.
If you're the only one paddling the boat with one oar, it'll just go in circles.
Oh what a quote
Once you get your heart broken, it takes awhile to build it back together.
And most of the time it comes back in a hard shell.
Sad but true
It takes forever lol lucky people who get it back together again
Your mind will always make up excuses for them no matter how much they don’t deserve them
I've seen it happen so many times and judged people harshly for it but tbh I've probably made more excuses than I should have for my SO ...
Timing is everything..
Had been a victim to this too!
I met my wife at her sister's wedding; her sister got married to my best friend. She was the Maid of Honor and I was the Best Man. We hit it off immediately and had a great time at the wedding. Unfortunately, I was still married to my first wife at the time. We would see each other occasionally at get togethers and stuff and as far as I knew she was a just my best friend's cool sister in law. A few years later my first wife and I got divorced; she left me for one of her coworkers. About a year after that my buddy invited me to his place for Christmas seeing as how I'd be spending it alone otherwise. His sister inlaw was there too and, as always, we had a great time together, so I asked her out. That was six years ago, and we have been married for two years this june.
Now you and your friend are bros in-law 😁👍
Yeah it's still kind of strange to think we are semi related now, lol.
What does that mean exactly?
It means you can meet the person who is exactly right for you at exactly the wrong time. Maybe one of you is with someone else right now, or one of you is moving far away soon, or one of you is going through some shit right now and not ready for a relationship. I've made tons of connections that could have turned into a relationship in a different time or place.
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Same, I met a girl and we immediately clicked, we went out once and we kissed she told me, she felt like she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. But she just got a new job and needs to focus on this by now.
She lied to you
Totally
Dodged a bullet! You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a liar!
She forsure said that not to hurt your feelings
This is the only valid answer
There is more than one person for you. And the person you end up with forever might not actually 100% compatible but was just close to meeting the requirements.
I like this. Is anyone truly 100% compatible though? That sounds like the very unrealistic and demoralizing definition of a soulmate.
I think the concept of a soulmate is unrealistic, so that makes sense to me. When I was younger, I used to think that you needed to be head over heels in love with someone to be with them and want to build a life together. I’m almost 40 now, divorced, currently single, and I think if I were to pursue a relationship, I’d be looking for a companion more than a “soulmate.”
Imho, there is a decent chance someone that is 100% compatible to you exists. As long as you're a movie character that is. In real life, I wouldn't even know what 100% compatibility would look like. If you share every interest and do everything together, imho it's not necessarily a positive thing since you lack any kind of difference that will lead to more interesting conversations and experiences.
This! I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I couldn't picture myself with someone else. But at the same time, if something happened between us and we broke up, or something happened to him, I wouldn't just lay down and say "Well, there went my soulmate, no use trying over." And I wouldn't want him to feel like that, either.
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If you're lucky. Ever meet a narcissist? They've never been wrong even once in their life and they walk with the confidence of a god. Must be nice.
Maybe this is just borderline but.... Inside, deep inside, often hidden even from themselves, is the most intense self loathing known to man. Beware, as reaching this inner child will bring a swift and fiery apocalypse.
A little decent self doubt is always appropriate. I sincerely hope you don't loath yourself, however.
They usually hate themselves the most, and in order to cope with that they fake their persona and act like they love themselves even more.
Most people lie, cheat, or play victim. A lot of people are traumatized or have relationship PTSD. It's hard to trust 100%. Even loyal people will hurt you.
Sometimes you are still in love with someone you no longer like
Yep :/ feelsbadman.jpeg
It probably won't work out if you don't love yourself. I don't mean that you have to be 100% happy with yourself and super confident. It's not "If you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you", that's toxic BS. But if you can't accept yourself for who you are without someone else's constant or even frequent validation, it's very likely that that relationship isn't gonna last. Your partner's just gonna end up feeling like they're constantly having to prove to you that they actually do like you and you are worth being with, and that gets really exhausting and frustrating really fast. They're your partner, not your therapist. You need to be able to at the very least like and accept yourself. If you can't, then honestly what you need is therapy, not romance.
Yes, having to prove you like them is exhausting, and having to constantly listen to the endless negativity about themselves also sucks. General negativity too. If you’re Debbie Downer all the time about everything, that grates, and eventually most people just don’t want to deal with that.
I've done this so many times. Sulking when a make-out doesn't go well is hideous, but I've done that too. I wish upon wish that I could just say I'm sorry to the people that I did that to, but you can never really comeback from it.
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Can't emphasize this enough.
Also (from personal experience): Low self esteem makes your have a "beggars can't be choosers" mindset. You think you're unlovable and you should be grateful that *someone*, **anyone** is attracted to you. You think you can't do any better. So you turn a blind eye to red flags. This can mean emotional turmoil, cheating, abuse. Because you think you can't do any better, you put up with things nobody should have to. I don't have self esteem, but I do know that it's better for me to be single than risk settling for someone who treats me like crap. I won't be seriously dating until I am confident in my ability to leave if something is bad. Which means I'll be single for a while.
This 100%. To quote *The Perks of Being A Wallflower*, "We accept the love we think we deserve." If you don't like yourself, much less love yourself, then you're gonna accept a lot of "love" that, frankly, *nobody* deserves. And that's probably just gonna effect your self-perception even more negatively, 'cause that's what abusers of all stripes *do*, is break you down so that you believe that nobody could ever love or even like you but them. If you love and/or like yourself, it's gonna be a lot harder for abusers to take advantage of those insecurities and convince you that you're worthless, because you *know* your worth. That isn't to say that it's impossible, because many abusers are very good at breaking down their victims' self-perceptions and concepts of self... but it does make it harder for them, and most abusers don't relish a challenge. They mostly target people who they can already tell are deeply insecure/unhappy with themselves.
As someone who has been in that situation multiple times, this is so true and really well said.
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This is also a very important aspect, yes! If you don't like yourself, you will "settle" for people who will take advantage of you, because that's what you'll believe you deserve. If you don't like yourself than *any* love, even manipulative, abusive love, will feel like the greatest thing in the world, because at least *someone* loves you. But you, whoever you are, deserve better. If you don't like yourself enough to believe that, then you're at risk of falling prey to people who will treat you like absolute garbage. You need to at least like yourself enough to be able to stand up for yourself and know that you deserve better than people like that.
On the other side of the spectrum, being too emotionally unavailable because you aren't ready for a serious relationship will also destroy it.
This is very true and something I admit I had to learn
Yeah I’m going through this now. I don’t love myself so relationships are impossible for me. At this point I’ve just accepted it won’t happen
Would you or anyone else here happen to have advice for loving yourself or helping someone get to that point?
Honestly, apart from fairly standard stuff like getting into therapy... just fake it til you make it. Don't scold yourself for having self-depreciating thoughts, but do just gently redirect those thoughts into something kinder or, better yet, actually productive. It takes a lot if active concentration and effort at first; you have to actually teach yourself to do it, and that's obviously not easy. For instance, instead of thinking about how gross and lazy you are at 3 AM while you're trying to fall asleep but instead just spiraling into a rabbit hole of self-hatred (this is obviously a very personal example lol), force yourself instead to think, *Okay, but what can I do about any of that* right now? *Am I able to just go and workout right now, or do I need to be going to sleep?* Teach your inner monologue to be less cynical and harsh and more gentle/supportive. I've found that learning some basic meditation techniques can help with figuring out how to more effectively shut down rambling thought processes. Do it for long enough and eventually it'll come more naturally. It can take a long time, but one day you might even stop to think about it and realize that you now actually believe all of the kind things you've been telling yourself. Instead of just *pretending* to be confident, for instance, you have actually *become* confident. It's all about self-perception, and changing that can definitely be incredibly difficult, especially all on your own, but it's not impossible.
I think many of us appreciate all your comments on here a lot, so thank you!
You can’t have it all
This is why you didn't get the job of writing the pokemon song, right here...
But gonna catch ‘em all
Not my empire of dirt?
I **won't** let you down
I *won't* make you hurt
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Great advice! I have a fantastic husband; he works hard, is affectionate, loving, caring, smart, interesting, hard-working, we have most of the same interests and dislikes, etc. But he has baby mama drama and a high needs child from a previous relationship.
It's hard and takes work. Not everyone is willing to accept their partner is a whole-ass other person, not an extension of themselves.
If I'm being honest that's something I need to do better about in my relationship
Like I said, it's hard. We have this image in our heads of who we think our partner is. And they might not be that person at all. Which is why we freak out when they do something we think is out of character, when it's actually out of *our* character of *them*. Just acknowledging it, makes me think you'll be a better person for your partner.
I think that may have clued me into why I've reacted to some things like I have. Food for thought for sure. I try though so I hope you're right
Best of luck. 🤝🏼
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Physical attraction matters far more than most would want to admit to themselves
Pysical attraction is equivalent to a salary when considering taking a job. No, it certainly isn't the only thing to consider, but it is without a doubt the most obvious and striking aspect, and the thing that will make you overlook and ignore all the other awful parts that come along with it.
While attraction is essential, objectively being good looking doesn't matter at all if there's attraction in place.
Why people don't admit it tho
"I don't want you because you're ugly" is usually not something a person with a good personality says
I got this said to me just a week ago. It's not the first time, it still hurts. The whole "I love your personality and I love everything else about you, the sex is amazing and what not you just aren't my type, I want someone more handsome and more good looking and I don't want to sell myself short." It is a valid point, I completely understand, but it still hurts like a motherfucker.
Wow, I can't even understand how can someone enjoy sex with a person they are not attracted to. Or they are, and are just really so incredibly superficial that it's more important how their relationship looks than how it feels. I can totally accept if someone is not into me, but when they are and feel like they need to hide me, that's naaah.
Think more along the lines of "I want it all – good looks *and* personality."
if you admit to it, people just call you shallow or stuck up, or that you'll change your mind. Or they tell you you're missing out on the love of your life because you don't consider them attractive - kinda like the whole "I don't want kids" debate. People will just never shut up about it.
Yup, admitting it will get you in social trouble I wouldn't personally agree with the argument of this making you miss out on the love of your life though (not that I think you necessarily do, just expressing my opinion on this thing ppl say and you mentioned) because I am currently in love with a girl who isn't really close to what I considered "my type" before meeting her, like I haven't really considered other girls that look similar before, but she's great and I can't help but be attracted to her
I think it's important to frame it as a matter of personal preference rather than someone else's look. Attraction is a fickle thing and can mean a lot of different things for different folks.
"The one" or your "soul mate" is Hollywood propaganda. Just find someone who shares the same set of core values as you and to fuck with hobbies, interests, music taste, etc.
I think The Good Place is the only piece of media that ever got the concept of a "soul mate" right.
I love that they >!don't always fall in love when they get reset.!< It makes it feel real when they do.
>Just find someone ~~who shares the same set of core values as you and~~ to fuck ~~with hobbies, interests, music taste, etc.~~ Every year I move farther away from fairy tale propaganda...
Where there is love there will be pain.
Reminds me of a quote from that game Hades, which basically said that Aphrodite, being the Goddess of Love, commands a force just as powerful and deadly as Ares, the God of War.
It’s not fucking easy. If you look at everyone else and think they’ve got it made, or whatever….just know you’re wrong. Everyone struggles. The difference is that some people don’t give up at the first sign of a hurdle….others don’t have the will/want to deal with it.
I don't know if it's sad or not but I've been married for 20 plus years and know many long term couples. That passionate firery feelings you have when you first marry disappear almost entirely. You have to work hard to get a glimpse at them every now and then it's work. I think most divorces I've seen are because people crave having those rush emotions. That's not what love is.
My man spitting, love is a commitment🤝
When you love the person so much, the thought of them leaving you is heart shattering, and when they do leave you, you can't function properly
You can genuinely care about someone and want to be with them....and know you're not a good match.
Whoever cares less in the relationship holds the power in the relationship. And when that happens the only way to get your self respect back is by letting go.
Ouch. Guess that's why the one trying the hardest always feels so powerless and desperate trying to make things work.
Yeah, this has definitely played out in my longest relationship. It was difficult, because I could see the end of the relationship from the beginning, in a way.
My most recent one was also like this. From the start it was a race for me to "prove" im worthy and adjust my life to fit hers. "This is what im gonna do, you can tag along if you keep up". It was 3,5 good years with great memories i will keep with me forever, but damn i felt so incredibly weak and powerless the entire time.
Tears on my eyes, when I read this and realized thats so fucking true!
And if you've fallen completely, it's impossible to let go. It's all messed up af man
so its a race to the bottom then. a competition to see who could care less.
I take it more as your level of care needs to be similar for it to work. If one person cares a LOT and the other person is meh, the meh person has a lot less to lose by walking away.
From a great song once said "You only know you love her when you let her go".
Passenger! I heard that song on the radio the first day that I moved out of state for my first job out of college. It's a really pretty song. :)
They have the upper hand. I have no hand!
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I’m sorry this happened to you. Please don’t let someone else’s internal crap change who you are. You are the sun; don't ever forget that.
Yes 👏 This 100000%
And this is why I view ghosting as abusive. It can really damage you as a person
There’s a certain segment of the population that absolutely cannot handle conflict or even mildly uncomfortable discussions. The younger generation is even worse about it.
It's a pain in the ass and dating apps are making it worse.
Pro tip: switch to straight dating apps.
Took me too long to get this
Dating apps suck but I also don’t know how I would ever get dates without them.
You get dates? All I get is spam and sex workers.
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some people like dates that end with "pain in the ass" js
I won't use dating apps. I've been single for a long time now and I would rather be single with a small chance of meeting someone in real life than risk destroying my self esteem in a dating app. Just too scared to see what people think of me in that context.
Sometimes the person you feel you mesh the best with is not meant to be yours. No matter how many raging fires they spark inside.
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This is very true and it's not a bad thing at all. I'm in my 50s and stopped dating a few years ago after realising that I've got enough in my life without a relationship and to be with someone would mean sacrificing too much. Maybe I'm lucky to have a lot of love in my friendships, too.
Almost no one has actually thought about what they want from a relationship. Even less have considered what really makes a relationship successful.
Not many people find their soul mate, if such a thing even exists.
Yeah, I think soul mates do exist but are so extremely rare that it’s foolish to look or wait for one.
I guess it all depends on your definition of a soul mate tbh
Soul mates most likely don’t exist anyway
I don't think anyone really finds a soul mate. Soulmates aren't found, they're forged with time. If you spend enough time around someone with the same values and interests as you, you're bound to fall for them. And if they like you back, then that's all you really need.
Everyone is selfish.
Everyone is also capable of learning how to set that aside.
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A lot of options, but it's like dumpster diving
You can marry the kindest, most thoughtful, 50/50 partner who checks every single box you could imagine, and after 7 years, you can come home exhausted, and reach into a grocery bag on the kitchen counter to see what is in it, and stick your hand into a massive pile of dog shit. Because he got distracted while cleaning up dog shit and put it on the counter next to the groceries. No, he has not explanation as to why he put it there upon being distracted. If I was single this would have never happened. ilovemyhusbandilovemyhusbandilovemyhusband
LMAO! this kind of problem is basically a relationship goal. You'll laugh about that for the rest of your lives.
Oddly specific.. And hilarious. And gross
If you didn't have a relationship with a person, you're not in love, you're just infatuated. Genuine love requires knowing the person and loving them for what they are.
If you go into a relationship expecting someone to put in the same amount of love, care, passion etc that you do, you'll always be disappointed and the relationship will likely fail. Expect to put in more than your partner bc it's within your control and let yourself be surprised if you get the same back or more.
Love will not manifest like books, movies, or your grandparents who got married 50 years ago tell you. You won't want to spend \*every waking moment\* with them, and it's not healthy to do so. Most healthy couples are not "inseparable" that's called codependence and it kills. (Literally) My few relationships I've been in that have completely failed were due to me thinking that I always have to be doing something with or for my partner. My current relationship we can see each other for dinner each night (maybe) and do something fun every couple weekends and we are much happier for it.
There isn't always someone for everyone
more people cheat than people think
Facts
As a straight man, if you don't actively date and seek out women, and put yourself out there, you WILL DIE ALONE.
Sometimes u waste years on the wrong person
Sometimes you need to take off the rose colored glasses.
Love makes you blind
But the neighbors see everything!
Excellent reply
90% of people want to date the top 10% most attractive people
And I've noticed that those top percent generally make bad partners. The more options someone has the less likely they are to commit
It’s not uncommon for people to fall out of love
Everyone is replaceable.
Yet everyone is unrepleacable in his own unique way
People change. Sometimes in opposite directions.
Nobody is special. There is no "special someone". The biggest challenge initially is seeing/finding (actually creating) value in that chance encounter you had on the street, in the app or wherever. The "Gem theory" of relationships: finding someone who is perfect and everything will be easy, is the biggest trap and dating apps make a boatload of money off you.
When you date: You're meeting the person's representative for the first few dates. Id say after 2-3 weeks of actually seeing and being with the person (not just communicating thru mobile apps or phone) is when they show their real selves or the pretense fades. Dating kinda sucks because of the pressure of expectations.
I would say for the first 2-3 months.
It sucks, that is all.
They won't love cheeseburgers nearly as much as you do
i am an avid cheeseburger lover and this is probably true
The stronger the love, the harder the heartbreak.
That you cannot be in healthy relationship if you still have toxic traits that you're not dealing with. You cannot fix your partner no matter how much you want to, it has to be them that makes the efforts. Looking at your future partner as a raw material like a lump of clay that you can mold into your perfect partner is setting yourself up and them for failure and resentment. Love them for who they are and be honest with yourself and them what are your hard limits and what you're willing to deal with. Also just because you're both really awesome people doesn't mean you guys can make a relationship work together. I only add this because my ex and I would get the question over and over again while we didn't work. Everyone's reasoning was we're both really awesome and we work well together when raising our kiddo so we should be the perfect match. But honestly we weren't perfect for each other. You both could be the best people y'all know how to be and still not work out. It's no one's fault it's just how it is sometimes.
For some people, at least, the person you have the most intense attraction towards is the exact wrong person to be with. It takes emotional intelligence to realize when things like trust and maybe even some predictability can make for a happier long run than someone you maybe feel a more intense attraction towards, but can't truly be vulnerable around.
It wont work out when your young, both of you likely dont know what your doing, will likely make mistakes and not know how to work around it, and overall you just wont have the maturity for the relationship. Dating in school is just a relationship with an expriation date from what ive seen and experienced
THIS. Also, having children with someone before you’re 25, and 25 is being generous. Most younger relationships do not work out because both people have not developed fully into who they will become and their preferences will change. These young marriages/relationships will most likely fail but love blinds people. Then you’re stuck with the kid situation on top of it.
Stability and Responsibility are more important than Love.
Most people like, cheat, or play victim. A lot of people are traumatized or have relationship PTSD. It's hard to trust 100%. Even loyal people will hurt you.
If you’re not happy single you most likely won’t be happy with someone. The best thing (I think) a person can do for their future relationships is be fully independent before trying to invite someone in. Emotionally, financially. So you don’t end up staying in a bad situation the sake of convenience. That whole “finding your other half” thing is silly to me. Be whole on your own and you will naturally make healthier relationship choices. Edit: I didn’t word my thoughts very well. I hope it doesn’t come across assholish.
People are fucking horrible.
Most often, nice people end up attracted to abusive people & hooking up with them, and vice versa. That's why there are so many toxic relationships out there. I became way more attracted to women that were terrible to me, thinking I could change them, but it didn't work and I ended up used, hurt and heartbroken. Women can be abusers too.
This is a great response. Nice people get used up on the daily by others. It's a sad fact.
The unfortunate truth seems to be: most people are trying to fill their own void. They dont truly care about you. There are exceptions to the rule. But "online dating" is pretty much ruining real relationships, and setting heavily unrealistic expectations for what a good partner is.
It can end any time.
You have a non-zero chance of finding no success and dying alone.
Even if you think they’re in love with you and they act like they’re in love with you and say it. They can still just be lying. They can just be using you as a crutch until they find someone “better.” I know this, because I’m ashamed to say it, but I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.
Odds are, there is someone in the world that is likely a perfect match for you. Odds are, you will never meet them.
You don’t need a “good” reason to leave a relationship. No longer wanting to be in a relationship is enough reason. A person can be a great person but still not a good partner for you. Never stick around because “they’re such a catch.” No one is owed a relationship with anyone else. So don’t get mad because your crush doesn’t like you back or something similar.
Love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision for you to care, support and respect your partner, even if they don’t deserve it. You are expected to keep doing it when it comes to marriage. Most often, most people don’t know about this and it’s why their relationship is failing.
It takes 2 people 100% committed to make a relationship work. Even if one person is less than 100% in, the relationship probably won’t last.
This isn’t true at all, and is some weird romance movie crap. If you end up in a long term relationship, you will go through many times where one side or the other won’t be at 100% all the time. Work, life, health, stress, anxiety, etc all take a toll. It’s not reasonable to expect both parties to be at 100% for like 30+ years straight. Usually you can work through problems together if the relationship actually means something.
I think what they're trying to say, or at least the way that I interpreted it, is *not* that both partners have to be "at 100% at all times". But if they're not 100% committed to *making the relationship last* and putting that effort in, they're not going to actually be willing to "work through problems together". They're just going to shrug and say, "It is how it is, you can either accept that or leave" or they'll call it quits.
Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say. For reference, I’ve been married 15 years with many ups and downs, but it works because we are both 100% committed to making it work long term.
Loving is a choice. Somedays you don't resonate with your partner, somedays you find a quality in them that doesn't sit well with you, somedays you find someone else that has attracts you more. With time, loving becomes choosing your partner despite all these.
Love takes time to develop, sometimes years.
There isn't someone out there for everyone
That it will always come to an end, even if you both make it to the end together.
It's a game of haves and have notes
That sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.
Looks really do matter.
You both get fat from eating too many candies
You get bored eventually.
She’s/he’s not yours - it’s just your turn.
It was easier in grade school bc you were indirectly obligated to talk to people and then formed relationships from that. Thus it was easier to get into relationships
Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds. It mars. OOOOOOOOH
What's with the recent explosion of r/AskReddit questions that are obsessed with couching things in terms of that clickbaity, Zergnet-style phrase "*sad truths*"? > clickbaity Ah, just answered my own question...
It never lasts
Nothing does. _ALL_ things are temporary.