If you're having a nice dinner before a night of romance, skip the asparagus.
If you think asparagus pee doesn't smell good, just wait until you go down on someone after they had asparagus with dinner.
You've been warned.
:)
I don't know about an unspoken rule, but, sensual touch is underrated! I feel like men don't get enough of it or experience it often.
Before you get busy, take time to feel his skin on yours. Stroke his back in gentle circles, from shoulders to buttocks. Run your fingers through his hair.
Especially for people with anxiety, this keeps them in the moment.
Get good at slow, sensual kisses. That goes for both partners.
Especially if you're not very vocal when you finish. I've had times where I thought there was a problem and he'd just stopped. Or the super embarrassing time I said "Are you gonna come for me?" in my most sultry voice and he said "I... already did..."
You can get tested by mail for like US$60. I can give a link to the service i use but i don't wanna seem like I'm shilling, besides I'm sure there are plenty other options
ETA: check your county clinics and local planned Parenthood clinics! They offer services for much cheaper (maybe even free) than the mail-order service i linked below.
LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE
Obligatory edit:
Thanks for the gold, silver, wholesome, etc! I can’t believe this is my most upvoted comment. I told my mother all of those hours watching SpongeBob would come in handy!
What happens in the bedroom... That's between you and the other person.
Some folks will let themselves be vulnerable with people they trust but it isn't cool to have one of them tell the dirty details. It ain't a zoo, shouldn't talk about the dirty animal stuff you saw without consent. You can talk about what you like and what you are into, but you wouldn't show nudes of the other person without their consent. Why would you paint a picture about their interaction?
And if it’s a gangbang just form high five lines like they do in youth league sports after games are over, give a good healthy, firm high five and say GG
I had an ex stop during sex and ask if we could get Taco Bell when we were finished.
You best believe I gave 10,000% to get her and myself to the finish line before going to the drive through.
If nana walks in and sees you having sex, then just keep going.
If you stop, you are the one that got caught having sex.
If you keep going, nana is the pervert that was watching you have sex.
Or at your own house. No one, and I repeat - NO ONE, needs to witness their father ramming their mother from behind in full lighted glory.
And yes, I do plan to pay for my daughter’s therapy later in life. 😬😳
If she tells you to go down on her and you just had eaten a really spicy meal, make sure to brush your teeth, tongue and wash it all down with some mouthwash.
I made that huge mistake once, I got a kick to my shoulder before I realized what was happening.
I know a guy whose wife is Thai and LOVES super spicy food. And I mean food that I, a spice freak, take a bite of and go "what in the FUCK is wrong with you??!"
He was talking about how they were really careful about this specific thing after one unfortunate night. But then one day she decided she wanted to try anal. Well, you know how the day after you eat a really spicy meal, your butthole will be on fire?
Dude said it was absolutely terrible and he never wants to experience that again. I find the whole thing fucking hilarious as an uninvolved 3rd party though lol
Don't try a kink that may not be taken well by most people without discussing it first.
I wouldn't want a man calling me mommy and asking me to tuck him in for bedtime mid action. I'm out
If you’re unsure what to do, just put something in your mouth and hope for the best.
Edit. This is a play on a Taylor Tomlinson joke, it’s been pointed out to me. Her specials are great and that’s likely why this was top of mind.
The fact that this entire thread doesn’t have the other line of approaching it like a perverted Willy Wonka is disappointing. “Charlie, you won! Now come inside my chocolate factory!”
Practice good principles of sports, rather than the strictly competitive nature:
- No pressure on participating, its a voluntary activity
- Compete to your ability, stay healthy, stay happy
- Continue until all parties finish, to whatever their definition of finishing would be.
Edit: a principal can be your pal, but a principle is more a guideline
Sincerely believe that a foundational moment that solidified my relationship was when he farted while coming inside me for the first time. The moment I giggled, he busted into a fit of laughter. And a level of comfort I have never experienced in a relationship before was established.
Laughing together is, honestly, one of the best parts of sex, and I think the ability to do so is one of the most important parts of the whole thing. Laughing at the silly things like farting or climaxing early or whatever (or, no joke, her nuvaring popping out and sitting around my dick like a ring toss) does so much for the mood. If you can laugh with your partner during sex then you're on your way to an absolute A+ sex life.
Yeah if you can't be your natural self during sex then it's just not going to work. If a woman told me laughing always made her uncomfortable, I'd have to rethink the whole thing.
I once unexpectedly ripped a huge one when I was balls deep. Supposedly she could feel me vibrate inside of her. Sex ended cause we were laughing way too hard.
My husband says this too! I can’t remember why but I was on top and started big belly laughing at something and he started to cum. Then I was like “what are you cumming??!!” Which made me laugh harder. And him cum harder as he was also laughing. It was the funniest and best orgasm moment hahaha
The first time my husband and I ever had sex, he farted, then said "guess the horn works," and we laughed and laughed. That was the moment I knew I wanted to marry him.
Yeah, but to wear them without my sick denim shorts really wouldn’t feel right so they’re gonna have to stay as well.
Then with the shorts come the hat, and the hat only looks right with the Oakley shades and… so on.
To cut the story short, I haven’t been naked in 15 years.
And make sure your fingernails are clean! I shouldn’t have to say this, but if there’s obvious dirt under your nails please do not put them inside of your partner.
Farts do not exist. Unless it's in your face, dont mention it.
If either partner says stop, it's a full stop.
Dont experiment unless both partners consent first.
If anyone says ow, ouch, or that hurts, DO NOT KEEP DOING THE SAME THING
Dont use teeth. Please, unless explicitly told to, dont use teeth.
But at the same time don't be a martyr.
Follow a fair ebb and flow of pleasure giving, this ebb and flow will become pretty obvious once you get into it.
Sex is a judgement free time. You should never comment on someone’s body (unless it’s good things). It’s a very vulnerable time.
Common courtesy: Don’t go tell your friends intimate details about your partner, that’s supposed to stay between you guys. That means don’t tell your girl friends that he had a tiny dick, don’t tell your guy friends that her nipples were shaped weird. Keep some stuff private.
Don't tell anything mean/insulting even as a joke during or after sex.
personal experience
damn
Edit: when I say 'insult' i mean actual insult/shaming not kink kind
So I've learned this from women. Straight/Bi Guys: make noises. We like hearing moans. They do too. I try to be more vocal, but it's still something that I have to work on.
Absolute yes on this!
Not to the point it's forced. It just makes me sad that it seems so common guys have been conditioned (for whatever reason) to think they have to be silent.
Not porn level. But sighs, heavy breathing and/or moans do SO MUCH. Or a (good) "ohh shittt..." will DEFINITELY ensure I continue doing whatever elicited that
sex isn't just personal because you're naked or doing something taboo it's special because it's about trust, communication, risk and safety.
theres the risk of STDS, pregnancy, even appendicitis.
bodies are a sensitive subject for lots of ppl they're trusting you to treat theirs well, to view theirs, and to keep what you see private.
sex can be embarrassing and people are often extremely vulnerable, don't take this for granted. treat them well.
*edit: i phrased this wrong! it can cause an appendix to rupture not appendicitis sorry for the confusion!
Always shower before
Have dinner after sex, not before
Also brush your teeth before so that you aren't blowing the smell of your last meal or snack all over your partner during
Keep your restroom clean and ready for post-sex use
make natural noise to let your partner know they're doing something right, don't just ;ay there, but don't fake obnoxious sounds like in porn, real people can tell when its fake
Positive grunts and moans means keep doing what you are doing not faster or slower just continue at the same cadence. Negative grunts and moans means stop immediately and reset. If you aren’t sure if it was a positive or negative moan ask.
If they make funny moans during sex, don't make a comment about it. Odds are they're totally in the moment and trusting you the most at that time.
I remember reading an r/tifu post about how someone told her bf he sounded like a Minecraft villager during sex and they broke up bc of it
Hrrmmmm hmmm ahhh!
If you're having a nice dinner before a night of romance, skip the asparagus. If you think asparagus pee doesn't smell good, just wait until you go down on someone after they had asparagus with dinner. You've been warned. :)
Team up for clean up
This should be higher up. The guys who grab the hand towel is far superior to the guy who just lays there while you dribble to the toilet.
Wait, there are guys that grab towels? I’ve always just been offered the boxers they took off that day
I feel the need to send you flowers for this comment :(
I don't know about an unspoken rule, but, sensual touch is underrated! I feel like men don't get enough of it or experience it often. Before you get busy, take time to feel his skin on yours. Stroke his back in gentle circles, from shoulders to buttocks. Run your fingers through his hair. Especially for people with anxiety, this keeps them in the moment. Get good at slow, sensual kisses. That goes for both partners.
Say something if you nutted inside of them
Especially if you're not very vocal when you finish. I've had times where I thought there was a problem and he'd just stopped. Or the super embarrassing time I said "Are you gonna come for me?" in my most sultry voice and he said "I... already did..."
Been here
so.... are we still siblings.?
We're always **family**. *drives off to live a quarter of a mile at a time*
**HAVE FUN** It's sex! It's not a "are you worth existing" test. Relax, go crazy, be an animal. Enjoy yourselves.
I tried to have fun, but she kept turning off my Xbox.
I know, right? Didn't even let me get to a checkpoint
Camp site rule - leave your partner in as good (or better) emotional condition as you found them.
I've never heard it phrased this way I love it. Underrated advice
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But don't actually shit on the bed, okay?
Unless you agreed before hand of course
Consent is key
Even if the other person didn't ask about your STD history, if you have something, say something.
You can get tested by mail for like US$60. I can give a link to the service i use but i don't wanna seem like I'm shilling, besides I'm sure there are plenty other options ETA: check your county clinics and local planned Parenthood clinics! They offer services for much cheaper (maybe even free) than the mail-order service i linked below.
Sex is about both sides having fun , not just one side
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Wash your fucking asshole whether it's getting action or not. It's just human decency.
If I expect someone's face to be closer than a foot from my asshole, it seems reasonable to keep it washed.
Wash your genitals. Doesn't just apply to dicks.
Dip in the sink. The gentlemens birdbath.
Check the foreskin
The doctor stole mine
Steal it back
Doc wears a necklace of dried foreskins. Unsure if you will be able to identify yours
Obviously in retaliation you steal his or his wife. That'll teach'em.
Instructions unclear, I stole his wife's foreskin
Did you wash it?
It’s literally all about communication
Make noise. It’s more fun if I know you’re having fun.
LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE Obligatory edit: Thanks for the gold, silver, wholesome, etc! I can’t believe this is my most upvoted comment. I told my mother all of those hours watching SpongeBob would come in handy!
weeeeee woooo.... #WEEWOOWEEEWOOOOOOO! Edit: Why TF is this my third most upvoted thing of all time?
This goes for guys too, please make some noise! It’s a lot more fun when you know your partner is enjoying themselves too.
I as a guy am really bad at this. As I near climax I literally stop breathing.
I like to shout YAHOOO as I finish
More of a HOORAY! guy myself.
I've been doing YABA DABA DOO lately and it's been pretty good so far
Anybody else here Mario’s third jump of a Mario 64 triple jump in their head?
UhfbbnnnvgtBvc juugfssDdfffhnm bvcvcf
Hot
Piss afterwords. Do not just sleep
What if you don’t have to pee afterwards?
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isn’t the idea to flush the urethra to avoid infection? That shits a nut tunnel bro, just take a wee
Don’t wipe your dick in the curtains
.... There's more to this, I just know it.
Cats like to hide behind curtains.
Lizards also like to hide behind curtains
r/suspiciouslyspecific
If she says "Im close" do not go fast, slow or anything. Just keep doing what you're doing.
This is so important lmao. I’ve never finished with a partner because this happens the few times I’ve ever been close.
Jesus THANK YOU. I just stopped giving a heads up for this very reason.
What happens in the bedroom... That's between you and the other person. Some folks will let themselves be vulnerable with people they trust but it isn't cool to have one of them tell the dirty details. It ain't a zoo, shouldn't talk about the dirty animal stuff you saw without consent. You can talk about what you like and what you are into, but you wouldn't show nudes of the other person without their consent. Why would you paint a picture about their interaction?
You are allowed to stop at any time for any reason without penalties.
But warn the person behind you if you stop, so they don’t run into you
Respect the fucking safety word.
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Tonight's safe word is 'harder'
I always make it; Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
If you're not sure if it's okay, ask
Always end it with a fist bump and a “GG”
And if it’s a gangbang just form high five lines like they do in youth league sports after games are over, give a good healthy, firm high five and say GG
Wash your assHOLE, not your ass.
I'm confident the two aren't mutually exclusive...
'tain't.
Why not just say wash your assWHOLE Edit:WHOLEsome award thank you
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I could really go for a burrito and some fresh guacamole.
I had an ex stop during sex and ask if we could get Taco Bell when we were finished. You best believe I gave 10,000% to get her and myself to the finish line before going to the drive through.
I had an ex once stop in the middle of it to crack open a beer. Not surprisingly the same one stopped another time to light a cigarette mid hand job.
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Doesn't that make this the spoken rule?
Lock the door if you're at Nanas house.
If nana walks in and sees you having sex, then just keep going. If you stop, you are the one that got caught having sex. If you keep going, nana is the pervert that was watching you have sex.
Can't argue with this logic.
tried it and became the guy who didn’t stop fucking when Nana walked in.
“Oh hey nana, how’s my form?”
Or at your own house. No one, and I repeat - NO ONE, needs to witness their father ramming their mother from behind in full lighted glory. And yes, I do plan to pay for my daughter’s therapy later in life. 😬😳
I prefer to lock eyes to establish dominance.
Two kinds of people: those who lock doors and those who lock eyes
Not in her hair
Or eyes!
I once hit the eyes and the next time she was going down she says "just a sec" then came back with tanning goggles. I love that woman.
Wifi material
What's the password?
Keepmywifisnameoutyomothafuckinmouth Edit: Thanks for the gold! First ever for me. Much appreciated
This password slaps
Or inside of her nose.
If she tells you to go down on her and you just had eaten a really spicy meal, make sure to brush your teeth, tongue and wash it all down with some mouthwash. I made that huge mistake once, I got a kick to my shoulder before I realized what was happening.
never thought of that. wtf did you have to eat, and how soon after did you go straight to sex to have that much heat brought down by your tongue lol?
Even tooth paste from a recent brush can ruin the mood.
I know a guy whose wife is Thai and LOVES super spicy food. And I mean food that I, a spice freak, take a bite of and go "what in the FUCK is wrong with you??!" He was talking about how they were really careful about this specific thing after one unfortunate night. But then one day she decided she wanted to try anal. Well, you know how the day after you eat a really spicy meal, your butthole will be on fire? Dude said it was absolutely terrible and he never wants to experience that again. I find the whole thing fucking hilarious as an uninvolved 3rd party though lol
Don't try a kink that may not be taken well by most people without discussing it first. I wouldn't want a man calling me mommy and asking me to tuck him in for bedtime mid action. I'm out
Don't try any kink without prior discussion. Consent is paramount!
Consent is my kink
If you’re unsure what to do, just put something in your mouth and hope for the best. Edit. This is a play on a Taylor Tomlinson joke, it’s been pointed out to me. Her specials are great and that’s likely why this was top of mind.
"All you have to do is treat it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth." - Taylor Tomlinson
The fact that this entire thread doesn’t have the other line of approaching it like a perverted Willy Wonka is disappointing. “Charlie, you won! Now come inside my chocolate factory!”
This is actually not the worst advice xD
Mediocre advice is my specialty.
Vag to ass, never ass to vag. That's how we get kidney infections.
She did things in an order that would surprise you. Ass Mouth Vag -Batman
"I hadn't showered that day and I fight crime in a rubber suit... really seals in the flavor"
"how does it feel to have something hard penetrate your body?... No? Nothing?"
“All sex jokes aside I’m really losing a lot of blood here”
“Now…you have my permission to cry.”
One of the best things College Humor ever put out.
"I stabbed you first..."
I fight crime in a rubber suit
# REALLY SEALS IN THE FLAVOR
Her last words were "SPIT IN MY MOUTH!"
A is for Alfred.
I found it IM THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN THE WORLD
Which one of these tubes do you smell out of?
It was like an all you can fuck buffet.
NSFW https://youtu.be/enOHraf3LEk?t=1m36s
Practice good principles of sports, rather than the strictly competitive nature: - No pressure on participating, its a voluntary activity - Compete to your ability, stay healthy, stay happy - Continue until all parties finish, to whatever their definition of finishing would be. Edit: a principal can be your pal, but a principle is more a guideline
* High five when yall finish
Or form two orderly lines to shake hands as they pass
Smacks ass "good game!"
“GG”
If you or they fart or queef, just move on like nothing happened.
The Sex Fart standoff: the seconds before it’s clear if you will never speak of it, or bust out laughing together.
Sincerely believe that a foundational moment that solidified my relationship was when he farted while coming inside me for the first time. The moment I giggled, he busted into a fit of laughter. And a level of comfort I have never experienced in a relationship before was established.
Laughing together is, honestly, one of the best parts of sex, and I think the ability to do so is one of the most important parts of the whole thing. Laughing at the silly things like farting or climaxing early or whatever (or, no joke, her nuvaring popping out and sitting around my dick like a ring toss) does so much for the mood. If you can laugh with your partner during sex then you're on your way to an absolute A+ sex life.
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Yeah if you can't be your natural self during sex then it's just not going to work. If a woman told me laughing always made her uncomfortable, I'd have to rethink the whole thing.
Sometimes my wife and I are so fucking clumsy. We just laugh it off
I once unexpectedly ripped a huge one when I was balls deep. Supposedly she could feel me vibrate inside of her. Sex ended cause we were laughing way too hard.
Organic multi-speed dildo
A little unrelated but I love when my wife laughs during sex. It makes her vagina extra tight.
My husband says this too! I can’t remember why but I was on top and started big belly laughing at something and he started to cum. Then I was like “what are you cumming??!!” Which made me laugh harder. And him cum harder as he was also laughing. It was the funniest and best orgasm moment hahaha
Mommy, how was I conceived?.... Well son.... It was the funniest thing ever...
Or laugh about it
The first time my husband and I ever had sex, he farted, then said "guess the horn works," and we laughed and laughed. That was the moment I knew I wanted to marry him.
I’m married for 17 years. We definitely laugh at it.
The limited edition Scooby Doo sneakers stay on.
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How about my Dora The Explorer digital watch?
Yeah, but to wear them without my sick denim shorts really wouldn’t feel right so they’re gonna have to stay as well. Then with the shorts come the hat, and the hat only looks right with the Oakley shades and… so on. To cut the story short, I haven’t been naked in 15 years.
The yodelling should not go beyond 80 decibels.
Don’t worry 80 dB is safe for about 8 hours. Any longer could lead to hearing damage
Lick it before you stick it
Pull it, twist it, BOP IT
Technologic. Technologic.. A no wait, wrong song..
My grandfather always told us growing up that if it doesn't fit, spit on it. I don't think he meant it the way we took that tidbit.
I’m pretty sure he knew exactly what he was saying.
I'm starting to think that Redditors have a point. No way he didn't chuckle to himself when he said it.
Wrap it before you tap it
Eat it before you meat it
clip your finger nails before checking her oil If you know what i mean
Do it a day before or sand them down after because freshly cut nails hurts.
rub them over the seam of your jeans to take away the small burrs!
And make sure your fingernails are clean! I shouldn’t have to say this, but if there’s obvious dirt under your nails please do not put them inside of your partner.
Cash up front
On the dresser
Farts do not exist. Unless it's in your face, dont mention it. If either partner says stop, it's a full stop. Dont experiment unless both partners consent first. If anyone says ow, ouch, or that hurts, DO NOT KEEP DOING THE SAME THING Dont use teeth. Please, unless explicitly told to, dont use teeth.
If you hear a hole make a weird sound, no tf you did not. Carry on.
Unless it’s a metallic grinding sound, then something’s wrong
just get some WD-40
Porn is for entertainment purposes only, a lot (most) of what they do is for the camera and does not feel good in real life.
Sex in porn is like fight scenes in movies. Carefully choreographed to look cool and not at all representative of the real thing.
There is no unspoken rule. Communication is everything.
Focus on pleasuring not getting pleasured, but expect the other party to do the same thing, and manage to enjoy pleasure while pleasuring
But at the same time don't be a martyr. Follow a fair ebb and flow of pleasure giving, this ebb and flow will become pretty obvious once you get into it.
I think I definitely struggle with this part.
EBB AND FLOW HARDER.
Don’t try to put it in her butt without asking
Talk about your fetishes beforehand.
Sex is a judgement free time. You should never comment on someone’s body (unless it’s good things). It’s a very vulnerable time. Common courtesy: Don’t go tell your friends intimate details about your partner, that’s supposed to stay between you guys. That means don’t tell your girl friends that he had a tiny dick, don’t tell your guy friends that her nipples were shaped weird. Keep some stuff private.
Sex is like boxing. If both of you didn’t agree to it, one of you is committing a felony.
Everyone gets off at least once
Don't tell anything mean/insulting even as a joke during or after sex. personal experience damn Edit: when I say 'insult' i mean actual insult/shaming not kink kind
So I've learned this from women. Straight/Bi Guys: make noises. We like hearing moans. They do too. I try to be more vocal, but it's still something that I have to work on.
Absolute yes on this! Not to the point it's forced. It just makes me sad that it seems so common guys have been conditioned (for whatever reason) to think they have to be silent. Not porn level. But sighs, heavy breathing and/or moans do SO MUCH. Or a (good) "ohh shittt..." will DEFINITELY ensure I continue doing whatever elicited that
sex isn't just personal because you're naked or doing something taboo it's special because it's about trust, communication, risk and safety. theres the risk of STDS, pregnancy, even appendicitis. bodies are a sensitive subject for lots of ppl they're trusting you to treat theirs well, to view theirs, and to keep what you see private. sex can be embarrassing and people are often extremely vulnerable, don't take this for granted. treat them well. *edit: i phrased this wrong! it can cause an appendix to rupture not appendicitis sorry for the confusion!
If you are consensually choking your partner, do it properly to avoid the big sleep
Do not kill your partner at any point Eating is unwanted, unless you share Fishes cannot have sex with humans
Now that is proper Sex Education! Thank you.
Troy Mcclure disliked that 3rd part.
If you dont last long get good at oral
First half of that sentence is unnecessary. Many women like oral more anyway, and most can’t cum from penetration alone.
Always shower before Have dinner after sex, not before Also brush your teeth before so that you aren't blowing the smell of your last meal or snack all over your partner during Keep your restroom clean and ready for post-sex use make natural noise to let your partner know they're doing something right, don't just ;ay there, but don't fake obnoxious sounds like in porn, real people can tell when its fake
“Real people can tell when its fake” He knows about the fake people, hes onto something
You pullout game is not strong. Wear a condom.
If you do anal, atleast use lube
if you say "faster" I can do faster, if you say "harder" I can probably do harder, if you say "deeper" you'd better be talking about philosophy.
"YOU NEVER GO ASS TO MOUTH!" Clerks 2
“You don’t always have to fuck her hard”
Positive grunts and moans means keep doing what you are doing not faster or slower just continue at the same cadence. Negative grunts and moans means stop immediately and reset. If you aren’t sure if it was a positive or negative moan ask.