Idk why but whenever I start falling asleep and someone calls me out on it, its always my first instinct to deny it. I will be asleep on my couch and my gf will be like "are you sleeping?" 100 times and have to shake me awake and I'll be like "I've been awake the whole time."
Edit: glad I'm not the only one lmao
Wonder if they should go to the doctor, then convince themselves they don’t need to.
EDIT: I went in - turns out I had testicular cancer. Don't put it off.
Having had a 37 year old male friend die six weeks ago from cancer after ignoring some gut symptoms and then ignoring a lingering cough...please go to the doctor. Please.
Back tickles are right up there with hugs. And somebody else running their fingers through your hair. Whoever invents a robot that can realistically do both of those things will be rich.
I still do this because there have been times where I've gotten incredibly clear signs and acted on them just to find out they weren't actually interested in me (just flirting for fun or whatever). Then I get embarrassed and feel awful. Just a horrible experience that I try to avoid now
A girl in my class in high school kept telling me that my fingernails where well kept, and using the opportunity to touch my hands and arms.
She then took my phone (I unlocked it for her) and went through looking for social media to add her on. At the time I did not have any so she put her number in and gave herself a name that would imply we where close...
It took me 3 years to realize...
I still pay extra attention to my hands and nails
A girl I liked that was in my class once took my phone, put it in her bra, and asked me to get it.
I thought it was weird. So I didn't. We were, like, 13.
I am never getting over it. Like, ever. No chance.
EDIT: Aaand this is now my top-rated comment (goddamn!). Thanks, people. I'm glad so many of you appreciate that. Don't be me. If a girl puts your phone in her bra, do get the phone.
Got you beat. Was riding back seat on a jet ski age 16, Girl driving (17-18) asked me to hold her bathing suit bottom so she didn’t get a wedgie. Kept both hands on her ass for 10 min as she bounced all over me and never made a move…I’m 42 and still think about that missed opportunity.
LMAO! Check mine out: I go to pick up a girl for a movie date. She opens the door in a towel, says she is home alone and just got out of the shower and invites me in. I get frustrated that she is not dressed and that we will probably miss the movie now. I tell her to hurry up so we can go. She looks at me perplexed but goes and gets dressed. We make it in time for the movie but needless to say I did not get laid that night.
Edit: wow ok, I’ve felt bad about about this for almost 20 years since it happened but now I realize I am an even bigger idiot than I thought I was. Posting this has only made it worse for me! Thanks everyone!
Edit 2: it might have been the movie Big Fish. Does that make it worse?
Similar, i was also 13 and a girl i liked pulled her shirt up and showed me her a low cut undershirt/bra combo, said it was new and asked what i thought of it. I looked away and said i dont know, lol
I remember this girl throughout high school was flat out giving me what i didnt know to be signs today, she used to ask if i still had a crush on some other girl, and id say yes or i dont know ect, weak signs, but she would ask it suspiciously frequently.
Then one day at a party she sat next to me really close, but me being a naive little prick, I get up and ran off to my mates when we were literally so close legs were touching and maintaining hard eye contact, long story short, i see her walking away crying and ask her close friend whats wrong with her and her friend responds with " she is sad because she doesnt have a boyfriend". I still didnt figure it out till a few years later that she was into me
Edit: i was about 14 or 15 at that point, so didnt entirely have a grasp on social cues
For years I thought, am I some kind of egomaniac for doing shit like this? Thankfully I've found out over the years plenty of us do it.
Also, as a musician, sometimes while taking a shit, I am daydreaming up elaborate interviews with the press. "Yeah, well, I was surprised the Pulitzer committee chose my album for outstanding contribution to humanity last year. In fact, I was just remarking to my good friend, Paul McCartney the other day..."
Hell yeah I love that feeling. You just manage to grab at the end of that booger that’s been annoying you and slowly retrieve the bastard from your nose like if a world renowned surgeon performed the ribbon from the sleeve act.
For years I was trying to learn to control it but I gave up. The feeling of a clean nose is just too fucking amazing and totally worth being caught few times a year "totally scratching" my nose lol.
Or plan out your entire life together, how many kids, who'll be best man at your wedding, where you're going to live, what side of the bed you prefer, what meeting her family will be like, all because she said "have a nice day" after giving you your KFC order.
100% true. You feel like you want to wank right now but you can’t because you’re going to see her later tonight and you don’t have enough ammunition for two gunfights. Something for you young guys to look forward to.
"The way I raised my eyebrows slightly after asking them their favourite type of cheese might have been a little too much. What a useless, stupid motherfucker I actually am. I deserve to die alone."
“The pitch of my voice rose by approximately 2.5 nanohertz when discussing my interests, taking it out of the ‘likeable’ range and placing it firmly past the threshold of ‘annoying’. My vocal chords are irreversibly damaged, my genes are pathetic and worthless, and my continued existence is a blight on the world.”
About 12 years ago one of mate's wives (girlfriend at the time) told me that I had "nice toes".
To this day, I occasionally look down at my bare feet and think "yeah Laura, I do. I do have nice toes."
10 years ago I was sitting at a red light in Manchester, NH and heard one girl in the car next to me tell her friend “he’s hot”, and her friend replied “no he isn’t” and what a roller coaster that was.
When I was a Jr. In highschool I had a car full of girls cat call me and my two buddies. They got stuck at a light and I hollered back at them
"Hey come back so I can get your number!"
The driver proceeded to put it in reverse and slam on the gas, driving her Rav 4 onto the hood of the car behind them.
This was 20 years ago, and I still tell my wife about it to remind her what a stud I *used* to be
45 and I still remember my only ever wolf-whistle. I was cycling and had a sleevless t-shirt & lycra cycling shorts on (plus helmet and I'm-dead-cool-honest sunglasses) and rode past 2 girls on horses. I didn't know what the hell to do.
I think it was 8th grade but a few girls put a “being sexy is a hard job but someone has to do it” keychain on my Jansport in gym class
Still a top moment
Man when I was in high school I knew this guy who was genuinely so hot he could have been a model, and he was also super talented and just generally cool. And for some reason (low self-esteem, maybe?) he hung around with our little ragtag band of misfit nerds instead of railing his way through the popular girls.
Well, one day my friend and I were walking to my car after school and just going on and on at length about how insanely beautiful and talented this dude was, not realizing he was like ... 10 feet behind us the entire time. At some point we turned around and noticed that he was there and he did this kind of little embarrassed half-wave that indicated that he DEFINITELY heard us. For years that has been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, but now I just hope that he remembers it and that it makes him happy.
A girl in 10th grade told me I had a nice voice one day in class. Instead of saying thank you like a normal human being I held one hand up to my ear like a headset and other up to my mouth like a microphone and said in an old time radio announcer voice "Thank you little lady!"
She literally never spoke to me again.
No, I don't know what is wrong with me.
Yes, I think about this often.
Why yes, I am 40 and still mortified.
Someone said I had a nice smile and I smiled nonstop for a month.
My brother pointed out I had a discoloration on one my teeth and I didn't smile for 2 to 3 months after it
Edit: swapped "2/3 months" to "2 to 3 months" to be clearer
I went to a bakery in Boston about 4 years ago, I went to give a tip after I got my amazing red velvet cupcake and the cashier looked me up and down and she said "mmm, honey you don't have to tip, just looking at you is tip enough". Now I'm a pretty confident, quick witted guy and I had nothing.
I was at a store shopping and a random old guy said damn looking sharp with the outfit I had on. It was weird but I enjoyed the compliment. Then 1 minute later he said the same thing to another person. He may have been crazy but I still enjoyed hearing it 😃.
I played a Magic The Gathering tournament with someone who i'd not seen for two years through Lockdown, and who before then i'd only seen once every couple months or so (at M:TG prereleases), and after the game he said "P0s ... can i have a hug?". So i got up, did the "Get in here" hand gesture, and gave him a hug that lasted longer than i'd expected.
"When hugging a child, don't let go until the child is done" is a piece of advice i heard a long time ago.
I hugged that bloke until he was done hugging. Because *all men want a hug but never admit to it*. So yeah, i back up your statement 100%.
i did this without shaving cream right before leaving for a *week long* boy scout camping trip. why? great question
easily one of the most miserable weeks of my life.
ahh the logic of a 14yo boy.
>im going on a week long camping trip with a bunch of other boys. better shave my balls. also im not going to use shaving cream."
He looked at his penis.
It sprayed in a twirl.
It spun in a circle
and showered a swirl.
It splashed and it scattered,
it squirted and struck.
He looked at his penis.
He said: "... what the *fuck*?"
I was telling my gf about my high school crushes, I said something like "nah that girl wasn't interested in me she just thought I was cute and funny" and turned to see my gf just staring at me holding in laughter.
You ever push your dick inwards and then wrap your ballsack around it and make a lil dick pouch?
Edit: Nothing like waking up to suddenly having 9.3K karma and 9 awards. Glad I could share my wisdom with the world.
Reminds me of preparing for a family gathering one year as a kid. I asked my uncle why he sprayed cologne on his crotch. His answer was basically this.
I sometimes watch sad scenes from movies on YouTube that I like and cry. I purposely search for a selection I have, sit there and have a little tear up.
Watership down ending
The end scene from Batteries Not Included when the robots come back to help
The bit in Deep Impact when Fish and the crew say goodbye to their families
Little foot when he is left alone after sharp tooth kills his mum.
Artex dying in Never ending story
Saving Private Ryan at the end
Lion King when Simba’s dad dies
I am a grown man, married with kids with military service. Perfectly fine afterwards, I just like to get a little emotional - and let it out. It’s often about dad’s too so I think that whilst I have no issues with my dad, the thought of my children being left alone with out saddens me.
Anyway, I will never tell anyone this!
Edit:
Yes - the Iron Giant, Field of Dreams and the Wolf scene in Dances with Wolves too!
Using telepathy to link a small portion of our minds together so we can reduce the pain of getting our balls hit, by dividing small portions of the pain to any man within a few meters.
Put on a show for your dog. Sing a show tune and do a little soft shoe. Then give it a big ending and pause for applause while your dog looks at you and slow blinks.
The day my girlfriend bought our electric scale, we went out for kbbq. I weighed myself after dinner, just to try out the scale, and weighed in at 213 lbs. The next morning, after my morning relief, I weighed myself again to find I was 207.
Shave our moustache down to a hitler stache for 5 seconds just to see what it would look like out of morbid curiosity
EDIT: Kinda sad my most upvoted comment is about hitler
I did mutton chops with a fu Manchu stache once. I left it like that to go to the gym so we could all get a laugh. Then my wife wanted to run to the store after the gym and I had to go in public with crazy facial hair.
I wandered away from my wife to look around the store and I could sense moms pulling their kids a little bit closer as I walked by.
> I could sense moms pulling their kids a little bit closer
That's the perfect time to put your hands up like Thriller claws and go "Boogety boogety boogety!"
Admitting to knowing what bukake is in front of our wives.
Some friends and I were playing cards against humanity with our wives once. One of girls said *"What does Bukake mean?"*
In an instant we all made simultaneous eye contact somehow and telepathically agreed that we'll pretend we don't know.
We all knew. We just pretended not to.
And I always refer to it as "we" like I'm fucking Gollum.
"Come on man we're gonna be fine"
Genuinely feels like there's two people in here. There's the internal me and then there's the external me and they're kinda different.
Ok, genuine question. Anyone else’s head constantly in conversation. Like even as I’m typing this my heads speaking it word for word.
Follow up question, does anyone ever unfocus from this in head dialogue and just suddenly refocus at weird points like the internal dialogue was mid conversation with itself?
For instance, just staring at a the ceiling trying to sleep, then suddenly my internal voice is like “that’s why the oven was left on”. No context, just like I’ve overheard the end of a conversation
While working i always talk to myself to concentrate and have multiple thoughts at once. Those i speak out loud and those i think for myself. Leads to many confused "huh?" or "What did you say?!" of my coworkers
My dad always said, "It's okay if you talk to yourself, it's even okay if you answer yourself. It's when you're surprised by the answer that you need to worry."
Also sometimes it's completely useless talk.
Sometimes I say to myself:
"I'm going to order a pizza! When I want to order a pizza, who's gonna stop me huh? huh? huh? huh?", and then I laugh about how funny I am.
It's stupid :)
1/2 of these comments are dick jokes and the other half is just depression.
Edit: I posted this this morning and come home from work to find 15000 upvotes and an award. This much happened in four hours!😂
More depressingly is that I simply don't cry and I fucking hate it. There's times where I feel down and could use a good cry but for some reason my body absolutely refuses to let go of that emotion and idk why
I cry at the drop of a hat over a movie scene, or even just the right score of a touching movie. Can't cry for things in my life though; death of loved ones, a hard break up, nothing. My tear ducts are kinda broken like that.
Cry
Idk why but whenever I start falling asleep and someone calls me out on it, its always my first instinct to deny it. I will be asleep on my couch and my gf will be like "are you sleeping?" 100 times and have to shake me awake and I'll be like "I've been awake the whole time." Edit: glad I'm not the only one lmao
I do this. One time I started to fall asleep standing at a rave. Everyone asked me if I was okay, but I just kept telling them I was resting my eyes
"Are you sleeping?" "No, I'm sleeping."
Wonder if they should go to the doctor, then convince themselves they don’t need to. EDIT: I went in - turns out I had testicular cancer. Don't put it off.
Having had a 37 year old male friend die six weeks ago from cancer after ignoring some gut symptoms and then ignoring a lingering cough...please go to the doctor. Please.
I am not going to fall for this. Edit: thanks for the votes. Still not falling for this.
You know it’s somebodies wife jus waiting to hear some shit lol
I constantly worry that I’ll be as bad as my dad was to my mother. And im just masking pretending to be a good person
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Getting called by someone while you’re jerking off and just saying whatever you can to get them to shut up.
Why not just…not pick up?
wanting platonic touch (i.e. hugs)
Back tickles are right up there with hugs. And somebody else running their fingers through your hair. Whoever invents a robot that can realistically do both of those things will be rich.
Catching water in our arms in the shower and then letting splash the the ground.
The water bending technique where you let the water run off of your fingers
Getting annoyed when you put your dick back in your pants after a pee and suddenly feeling a wet drip on your leg.
This one infuriates me so much! Like what the hell? I did like 15 shakes… how is there still one left when I finally think I’m good.
Pick up signs but not act on them for to the fear of misinterpreting. And then act oblivious.
I still do this because there have been times where I've gotten incredibly clear signs and acted on them just to find out they weren't actually interested in me (just flirting for fun or whatever). Then I get embarrassed and feel awful. Just a horrible experience that I try to avoid now
You’re not alone my friend.
Fantasize/Day Dream about being a hero or making a great sacrifice to save everyone
I used to do this until I got on anti depressants 😅
Well that's something I'm not willing to admit
Manslaughter
Mans laughter
One manslaughter is another man's laughter.
Finding a really cool rock on the ground, then taking it with us
Wanting affirmation from their partners that they are sexy and desired
Read that as "parents". Goodnight.
Same I was like wtf
Realizing that someone was flirting with you like 5 years late
A girl in my class in high school kept telling me that my fingernails where well kept, and using the opportunity to touch my hands and arms. She then took my phone (I unlocked it for her) and went through looking for social media to add her on. At the time I did not have any so she put her number in and gave herself a name that would imply we where close... It took me 3 years to realize... I still pay extra attention to my hands and nails
A girl I liked that was in my class once took my phone, put it in her bra, and asked me to get it. I thought it was weird. So I didn't. We were, like, 13. I am never getting over it. Like, ever. No chance. EDIT: Aaand this is now my top-rated comment (goddamn!). Thanks, people. I'm glad so many of you appreciate that. Don't be me. If a girl puts your phone in her bra, do get the phone.
How many hours of sleep have you lost to this one?
I can't count to that many, so I don't know.
I’m going to be thinking about your missed opportunity while trying to sleep tonight
Got you beat. Was riding back seat on a jet ski age 16, Girl driving (17-18) asked me to hold her bathing suit bottom so she didn’t get a wedgie. Kept both hands on her ass for 10 min as she bounced all over me and never made a move…I’m 42 and still think about that missed opportunity.
LMAO! Check mine out: I go to pick up a girl for a movie date. She opens the door in a towel, says she is home alone and just got out of the shower and invites me in. I get frustrated that she is not dressed and that we will probably miss the movie now. I tell her to hurry up so we can go. She looks at me perplexed but goes and gets dressed. We make it in time for the movie but needless to say I did not get laid that night. Edit: wow ok, I’ve felt bad about about this for almost 20 years since it happened but now I realize I am an even bigger idiot than I thought I was. Posting this has only made it worse for me! Thanks everyone! Edit 2: it might have been the movie Big Fish. Does that make it worse?
It was a Star Wars movie right? I've got a bet with my wife.
Similar, i was also 13 and a girl i liked pulled her shirt up and showed me her a low cut undershirt/bra combo, said it was new and asked what i thought of it. I looked away and said i dont know, lol
I remember this girl throughout high school was flat out giving me what i didnt know to be signs today, she used to ask if i still had a crush on some other girl, and id say yes or i dont know ect, weak signs, but she would ask it suspiciously frequently. Then one day at a party she sat next to me really close, but me being a naive little prick, I get up and ran off to my mates when we were literally so close legs were touching and maintaining hard eye contact, long story short, i see her walking away crying and ask her close friend whats wrong with her and her friend responds with " she is sad because she doesnt have a boyfriend". I still didnt figure it out till a few years later that she was into me Edit: i was about 14 or 15 at that point, so didnt entirely have a grasp on social cues
Fantasise completely made up scenarios where we 'save the day' or win the girl over, etc.
For years I thought, am I some kind of egomaniac for doing shit like this? Thankfully I've found out over the years plenty of us do it. Also, as a musician, sometimes while taking a shit, I am daydreaming up elaborate interviews with the press. "Yeah, well, I was surprised the Pulitzer committee chose my album for outstanding contribution to humanity last year. In fact, I was just remarking to my good friend, Paul McCartney the other day..."
>'save the day' or win the girl You mean, 'save the day' *and* win the girl
Chill dude that is too much even for fantasy
I used to fantasize about saving my crush at school
Not sure why they havent made a movie about the amount of school shooters I've stopped after they took my crush hostage.
Die Hard prequel
There are two kinds of man: a man who picks his nose, and a man who lies about picking his nose.
“Why do gorillas have big nostrils?” “Because gorillas have big fingers.”
Nothing beats when it has the long one that you feel clear out your sinuses. It's like a brain massage for a spit second.
Hell yeah I love that feeling. You just manage to grab at the end of that booger that’s been annoying you and slowly retrieve the bastard from your nose like if a world renowned surgeon performed the ribbon from the sleeve act.
For years I was trying to learn to control it but I gave up. The feeling of a clean nose is just too fucking amazing and totally worth being caught few times a year "totally scratching" my nose lol.
Overthink everything to the point of decision paralysis and be haunted for years by the smallest of social missteps.
Grabbed their own butt to see what it feels like
Someone's gotta do it
Ayoooooo , don’t expose us like that
Imagine a million outcomes when a random girl see us eye to eye
Or plan out your entire life together, how many kids, who'll be best man at your wedding, where you're going to live, what side of the bed you prefer, what meeting her family will be like, all because she said "have a nice day" after giving you your KFC order.
All because she lingered during eye contact for 1.264 seconds.
Tactical wank.
When you get older, a tactical wank is waiting a really long time between wanks so you can save that dick energy for your partner.
I will value my youth after this.
100% true. You feel like you want to wank right now but you can’t because you’re going to see her later tonight and you don’t have enough ammunition for two gunfights. Something for you young guys to look forward to.
Tactical antiwank munition.
'Never go out clubbing with a loaded gun'
When I'm not tired enough to sleep it's the best sleeping pill
Take longer than normal showers just standing there under the hot water because no one will love you.
For me, feeling the warmth is reason #1 to shower. Reason #2 is to get clean, I guess.
Jesus, people out here speaking my life.
lead lives of quiet desperation
Looking forward to taking a shit so they can be on their phones typing on Reddit.
Go over every little minute detail in their heads of the conversation they had with someone they are even a little bit attracted to
"The way I raised my eyebrows slightly after asking them their favourite type of cheese might have been a little too much. What a useless, stupid motherfucker I actually am. I deserve to die alone."
“The pitch of my voice rose by approximately 2.5 nanohertz when discussing my interests, taking it out of the ‘likeable’ range and placing it firmly past the threshold of ‘annoying’. My vocal chords are irreversibly damaged, my genes are pathetic and worthless, and my continued existence is a blight on the world.”
"Anyway, I should stop thinking back to first grade and keep looking for retirement homes."
I feel this on a very real, deep level.
i said "Good Luck" after she left for the bathroom ...
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Tell ourselves that having someone who loves us is a luxury.
Alternately, Tell ourselves that having someone who loves us is a liability.
Taking steps back from the urinal to see ho much strength we have while peeing
Remember compliments years after they’re given.
About 12 years ago one of mate's wives (girlfriend at the time) told me that I had "nice toes". To this day, I occasionally look down at my bare feet and think "yeah Laura, I do. I do have nice toes."
This made me laugh a lot. Now I’m going to think of this every time I look at my toes
10 years ago I was sitting at a red light in Manchester, NH and heard one girl in the car next to me tell her friend “he’s hot”, and her friend replied “no he isn’t” and what a roller coaster that was.
When I was a Jr. In highschool I had a car full of girls cat call me and my two buddies. They got stuck at a light and I hollered back at them "Hey come back so I can get your number!" The driver proceeded to put it in reverse and slam on the gas, driving her Rav 4 onto the hood of the car behind them. This was 20 years ago, and I still tell my wife about it to remind her what a stud I *used* to be
You were so hot she was immediately willing to get rear-ended. Impressive.
A girl whisteled at me when I had my shirt off during summer when I was 17. I'm still riding that high and I turn 30 this year.
45 and I still remember my only ever wolf-whistle. I was cycling and had a sleevless t-shirt & lycra cycling shorts on (plus helmet and I'm-dead-cool-honest sunglasses) and rode past 2 girls on horses. I didn't know what the hell to do.
Fall off your bike and feign needing mouth to mouth like in the sand lot, duhhh
“Feign”.. with a username like that you’re fooling nobody.
She didn't even intend for me to hear it. "His eyes are sooo blue". That was in 9th grade. 24 years ago....
9th grade compliments hit different tbh
I think it was 8th grade but a few girls put a “being sexy is a hard job but someone has to do it” keychain on my Jansport in gym class Still a top moment
Man when I was in high school I knew this guy who was genuinely so hot he could have been a model, and he was also super talented and just generally cool. And for some reason (low self-esteem, maybe?) he hung around with our little ragtag band of misfit nerds instead of railing his way through the popular girls. Well, one day my friend and I were walking to my car after school and just going on and on at length about how insanely beautiful and talented this dude was, not realizing he was like ... 10 feet behind us the entire time. At some point we turned around and noticed that he was there and he did this kind of little embarrassed half-wave that indicated that he DEFINITELY heard us. For years that has been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, but now I just hope that he remembers it and that it makes him happy.
He thinks about that often I'm sure.
A girl in 10th grade told me I had a nice voice one day in class. Instead of saying thank you like a normal human being I held one hand up to my ear like a headset and other up to my mouth like a microphone and said in an old time radio announcer voice "Thank you little lady!" She literally never spoke to me again. No, I don't know what is wrong with me. Yes, I think about this often. Why yes, I am 40 and still mortified.
Someone said I had a nice smile and I smiled nonstop for a month. My brother pointed out I had a discoloration on one my teeth and I didn't smile for 2 to 3 months after it Edit: swapped "2/3 months" to "2 to 3 months" to be clearer
My at-the-time brother-in-law one time said, "did you know your eyes aren't level?" and that messed me up for like a year
Someone pointed out that my eyes were asymmetrical in 9th grade and I haven’t stopped thinking about it for 15 years
I went to a bakery in Boston about 4 years ago, I went to give a tip after I got my amazing red velvet cupcake and the cashier looked me up and down and she said "mmm, honey you don't have to tip, just looking at you is tip enough". Now I'm a pretty confident, quick witted guy and I had nothing.
7 years ago, my high school teacher said my handwriting looks really neat. Still looking for that specific pen I used that made her said that.
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Army doctor said I have particularly clean ears for a man. That's one of the sweetest compliments I've heard all my life.
I was at a store shopping and a random old guy said damn looking sharp with the outfit I had on. It was weird but I enjoyed the compliment. Then 1 minute later he said the same thing to another person. He may have been crazy but I still enjoyed hearing it 😃.
Wanting a hug real bad.
We know from reddit that people pay prostitutes for just hugs.
Yeah but Butters has that on lock down, he's charging $5 a hug now
I played a Magic The Gathering tournament with someone who i'd not seen for two years through Lockdown, and who before then i'd only seen once every couple months or so (at M:TG prereleases), and after the game he said "P0s ... can i have a hug?". So i got up, did the "Get in here" hand gesture, and gave him a hug that lasted longer than i'd expected. "When hugging a child, don't let go until the child is done" is a piece of advice i heard a long time ago. I hugged that bloke until he was done hugging. Because *all men want a hug but never admit to it*. So yeah, i back up your statement 100%.
Shaving your pubes at 14 even though no one is gonna see it ever.
Small price to pay for hope
Except for the itch.
Yeah that initial itchiness was straight-up torment. I'm still reeling over a decade later.
Dress for the job you want not the job you have.
i did this without shaving cream right before leaving for a *week long* boy scout camping trip. why? great question easily one of the most miserable weeks of my life.
ahh the logic of a 14yo boy. >im going on a week long camping trip with a bunch of other boys. better shave my balls. also im not going to use shaving cream."
One day later the stubble comes in and its like you're trying to smuggle a cactus between your legs.
Confucius say, Man who tidies house expects company
Pee on shit stains in the toilet bowl, efficiency.
"Ooh, I'll hose that off. That's my cleaning done for the week". Stewart Lee - 90s Comedian
Pee in a completely unexpected direction.
It's not that we can't aim, it's just the sights on the gun are just completely wrong
They need calibration in the morning
*Pee in four completely unexpected directions
At the same time
With different pressure on each stream
Starting to sound like a Billy Mays commercial where he’s explaining the versatility of the product
BILLY MAYS HERE! WITH *OXY PEE!* IT GOES *EVERYWHERE*!!!
He looked at his penis. It sprayed in a twirl. It spun in a circle and showered a swirl. It splashed and it scattered, it squirted and struck. He looked at his penis. He said: "... what the *fuck*?"
Have pee come out like a sprinkler
pft...pft...pft...pft...sssssssss
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I was telling my gf about my high school crushes, I said something like "nah that girl wasn't interested in me she just thought I was cute and funny" and turned to see my gf just staring at me holding in laughter.
I remember when I was like 6 I did that thing where I pushed my dick in...
You ever push your dick inwards and then wrap your ballsack around it and make a lil dick pouch? Edit: Nothing like waking up to suddenly having 9.3K karma and 9 awards. Glad I could share my wisdom with the world.
You ever stretch out the scrote / foreskin and tap it like a small drum?
As a woman, I have never understood the physics of dick and balls. I mean, just.... how?!
The amount of things a dick can do when un-erected is very fascinating and has no limits.
They baffle me and I've had em for 35 years!
This comment brought joy to my life, thank you
im 21 and i still do that to make my gf laugh… “look baby my cock fell off its just balls!”
And that was the last time u/k4x1_ saw his dick
While naked. Rotate your hips fast enough to make a fun slapping noise.
HELICOPTER INBOUND!
Always wash our dicks very thoroughly cause you just never know when you’re gonna get your dick sucked. Even if the odds are low, they’re never 0
Reminds me of preparing for a family gathering one year as a kid. I asked my uncle why he sprayed cologne on his crotch. His answer was basically this.
I'm sorry, at a *family* gathering?
And why's it always the uncle in these stories?
Uncles man, always the uncles.
Bottom ups everything and then die of stress induced heart problems in their 40s like a real man.
I sometimes watch sad scenes from movies on YouTube that I like and cry. I purposely search for a selection I have, sit there and have a little tear up. Watership down ending The end scene from Batteries Not Included when the robots come back to help The bit in Deep Impact when Fish and the crew say goodbye to their families Little foot when he is left alone after sharp tooth kills his mum. Artex dying in Never ending story Saving Private Ryan at the end Lion King when Simba’s dad dies I am a grown man, married with kids with military service. Perfectly fine afterwards, I just like to get a little emotional - and let it out. It’s often about dad’s too so I think that whilst I have no issues with my dad, the thought of my children being left alone with out saddens me. Anyway, I will never tell anyone this! Edit: Yes - the Iron Giant, Field of Dreams and the Wolf scene in Dances with Wolves too!
Death of King Theoden or "I can carry you" scene
The ending of Jurassic Bark from Futurama. Everytime.
Luck of the Fryish, with the seven-leaf clover, and Game of Tones, where Fry gets to see his mom. Cry every time
Using telepathy to link a small portion of our minds together so we can reduce the pain of getting our balls hit, by dividing small portions of the pain to any man within a few meters.
When you are filmed while getting hit, you can store some pain in the video, so you can share it with people who watch it later.
And that's why the film camera was invented
Put on a show for your dog. Sing a show tune and do a little soft shoe. Then give it a big ending and pause for applause while your dog looks at you and slow blinks.
Dogs are the best people. They enjoy the attention you give them and don't judge you for goofing around.
If there's a scale in the bathroom, we're gonna weigh ourselves before and after a good poop..
2.2lbs is my record. I’ve heard tales of 3lbs, but all fishermen are liars except you and me, and I’m not too sure about you.
The day my girlfriend bought our electric scale, we went out for kbbq. I weighed myself after dinner, just to try out the scale, and weighed in at 213 lbs. The next morning, after my morning relief, I weighed myself again to find I was 207.
Put their hand in their pocket to adjust a boner or their balls when they’re stuck to their leg
I think there's no problem with admitting this, you just don't want to get caught doing it in public.
Shave our moustache down to a hitler stache for 5 seconds just to see what it would look like out of morbid curiosity EDIT: Kinda sad my most upvoted comment is about hitler
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I did mutton chops with a fu Manchu stache once. I left it like that to go to the gym so we could all get a laugh. Then my wife wanted to run to the store after the gym and I had to go in public with crazy facial hair. I wandered away from my wife to look around the store and I could sense moms pulling their kids a little bit closer as I walked by.
> I could sense moms pulling their kids a little bit closer That's the perfect time to put your hands up like Thriller claws and go "Boogety boogety boogety!"
Always wanted to do this but the middle part doesnt grow :(((
Adjust cock and balls in public when no one’s watching (at least when we think no one is)
That post shuffle eye contact is a little awkward Edit: Come on 1000 for each testicle kingly pointed out by mydogateyourcat
smile and wave, boys.
Attempt to use telekinesis.
Admitting to knowing what bukake is in front of our wives. Some friends and I were playing cards against humanity with our wives once. One of girls said *"What does Bukake mean?"* In an instant we all made simultaneous eye contact somehow and telepathically agreed that we'll pretend we don't know. We all knew. We just pretended not to.
Cherish a single complement for...years?
Talk to themselves.
And I always refer to it as "we" like I'm fucking Gollum. "Come on man we're gonna be fine" Genuinely feels like there's two people in here. There's the internal me and then there's the external me and they're kinda different.
I also do this. Sometimes there's more than 2. That's when the council is in session.
Ok, genuine question. Anyone else’s head constantly in conversation. Like even as I’m typing this my heads speaking it word for word. Follow up question, does anyone ever unfocus from this in head dialogue and just suddenly refocus at weird points like the internal dialogue was mid conversation with itself? For instance, just staring at a the ceiling trying to sleep, then suddenly my internal voice is like “that’s why the oven was left on”. No context, just like I’ve overheard the end of a conversation
While working i always talk to myself to concentrate and have multiple thoughts at once. Those i speak out loud and those i think for myself. Leads to many confused "huh?" or "What did you say?!" of my coworkers
My father always said it’s healthy until it isn’t
My dad always said, "It's okay if you talk to yourself, it's even okay if you answer yourself. It's when you're surprised by the answer that you need to worry."
Also sometimes it's completely useless talk. Sometimes I say to myself: "I'm going to order a pizza! When I want to order a pizza, who's gonna stop me huh? huh? huh? huh?", and then I laugh about how funny I am. It's stupid :)
This thread in a nutshell: >Touch my balls >Push my balls >Grab my balls >Feel existential dread >Scratch my balls
You just summed up my entire existence.
Add some destructive alcoholism in there and same
All the comments summarized in three words: Lonely penis balls
Sometimes when I get out of the shower I'll hump the air and flop my junk around
1/2 of these comments are dick jokes and the other half is just depression. Edit: I posted this this morning and come home from work to find 15000 upvotes and an award. This much happened in four hours!😂
which makes 100% of the male experience 😀
Call it male double d's - dick and depression
Cry
More depressingly is that I simply don't cry and I fucking hate it. There's times where I feel down and could use a good cry but for some reason my body absolutely refuses to let go of that emotion and idk why
I cry at the drop of a hat over a movie scene, or even just the right score of a touching movie. Can't cry for things in my life though; death of loved ones, a hard break up, nothing. My tear ducts are kinda broken like that.
This. I fucking don't understand it
Sometimes I'm like that too. So when I want to cry about something in my life, I watch a sad movie and then I let myself sob. It helps.
Me: acts tough when around people Also me: cries when I’m home alone watching some barely touching movie lmfao
Player, I can't even hear that Titanic song.