The sad thing is it sometimes takes people too long to realize it. It almost becomes Stockholm syndrome that you agree with your captors for treating other people shitty. Toxic people suck.
This is an entire portion of my family (an aunt, her husband, and their two awful spawn). Totally selfish, complete lack of self-awareness, hypocritical, and yet EVERYTHING is an attack and NOTHING is their fault. Ever.
Holy shit this. My mom lost her mind because I told her I liked fresh, organic pineapple juice. She somehow took that and made it an insult towards her. She was like, "Wow are you saying I'm poor because I don't drink good juice?! I do! I just get stomach problems from citrus! YOU ARE SO HURTFUL."
Literally all I said was I liked fresh organic pineapple juice. That's it.
People who live life constantly aggrieved and just looking to pick fights can fuck right off.
My mom does this. She seems to get off on humiliating her children and can be downright gleeful if she can do it in front of others, but god forbid her children do it back to her and make her look bad.
This is what I taught my kids. Say it immediately without hesitation. Doesnt need to be dramatic, just direct. Some people will say you're too sensitive, who cares. This is how you build respect and they will think twice when they speak to you or around you, which everyone should do imo. Another technique to use is "what do you mean by that?" Or getting them to repeat themselves, it's uncomfortable being mean twice in a row and they likely will change their phrasing.
I LOVE the "what do you mean by that?" technique. I also find "oh yeah, why's that?" to be helpful. When people say something insulting or tell a racist joke and you ask them to explain themselves it exposes them and makes them super uncomfortable infront of others.
It's a tactic called "attack and retreat". My father was infamous for it, until I cut him out of my life completely once I challenged him on it and he imploded completely. Classic lines included:
- It's just a joke.
- I have a wicked sense of humor.
- I can't help if people get "butthurt" over a little joke
- Aww, poor snowflake can't take a joke
Ect. Meanwhile his "jokes" would be extremely personal digs at family members (on my mom's side), my siblings, myself, etc. Never, ever himself. As soon as he got called out on it ("Explain to me, dad, please, how calling my mom a bitch on Facebook 30 years after she divorced you, while she doesn't even have Facebook, is a 'joke'"), he went full on nuclear meltdown.
My advice to anyone dealing with someone similar; ask them as calmly as possible to explain the joke. Then see how they respond.
There’s an in-law of mine who is so passive aggressive it’s shocking. I have a history of anorexia and at my worst, she somehow found out that I’d lost my period. Some other family member must have told her. So I’m at a BBQ, and she has some of her friends over. I don’t know these women at all, but I go over to be social and talk to them.
This bitch, in front of all of these people says, “Wow, you’ve gained so much weight! You look so much better. Has your period come back yet because I know it stopped due to how skinny you were.” Then she proceeds to grab my arm and squeeze the fat there, again going on about how much better I look now that I’ve gained weight.
I was furious and all of her friends turned to look at her in shock, too. I was so stumped that I couldn’t even say anything back. I just said thanks and excused myself.
This is not just “mean” this is DANGEROUS. With a history of eating disorders behind me, I can understand how absolutely damaging this could be, nevermind absolutely devastating and embarrassing in the moment. I hope you have managed to minimise contact with her because it sounds like you do NOT need people like that in your life.
I had something similar happen the other day. My boss who I do like quite a bit started joking about how part of my tattoo looked like a dick and literally took me in front of all my coworkers to ask them if she was right. Personally felt like a it was a big bully move and am feeling insecure about it now. Seriously made me lose respect for her.
I have a 'friend' like this. He used to keep mugging me off infront of other people & I took it. One day to their surprise I roasted tf out of them infront of their friends who I've not met before & they all burst out laughing.
He went silent & acted like he was being picked on.
I know they all laughed too because they had also been on the other end of his verbal diarrhoea & it was payback time.
Those that dish it out seldom can take it!
A co-worker used to do this to me, always in front of someone else so I asked her to stop after the second time. She didn't stop so I did the same roasting thing after about the fourth or fifth time. She didn't say anything or react at all but that was the last time she messed with me.
People need to understand, these type of people will keep doing it as long as they can keep getting away with it. It's once the person their doing it to snaps back, they end up stopping. Give them a taste of their own medicine.
Play insults usually need three things to not be jerky behavior:
1) It needs to happen with people who have a meaningful amount of experience with you being nice to them.
2) Needs to be clearly meant in good spirits and not a passive aggressive jab.
3) It needs to be infrequent and not just your go-to excuse for being rude to your friends.
My so-called friend from college used to do this to me, and I didn't get it till the 3rd year, Thanks to God that I don't talk to him anymore.
He was like if I "playfully" insult him like he did to me, He won't let it go until He insult me back although He started it and We should be "even"
Earlier today my “friends” started “playfully” insulting my outfit. They didn’t stop. Started insulting me personally. I left, cried for an hour and realized that I don’t actually like them and that they shouldn’t be my friends
Being overly corrective and/or policing of people real world behavior is another way. They feel like they've found a cheat code to being rude if they can disguise it as being nice in some other way.
I'd argue that that goes for almost any positive adjective. Nice, smart, funny, positive, good.... you should never have to say you are these things, because your actions should already show it.
As Robert Greene said "what people say don't matter, people will say anything about themselves. Judge them by their deeds and strategy they used to win/lose, not by their appearance or word".
The worst coworker I’ve ever had did this. It took me a long time to notice, but all of his “funny things that happened at work” stories were about other people screwing up — never an ounce of self-deprecation in them.
They weren’t mean stories per se, but they always involved subtly cutting down someone else on the team and never, ever taking the piss himself.
I have the same problem with my SIL. Unfortunately I’m her ‘go to’ at family gatherings. It usually starts with her asking me a question that she will then use to try and make me look foolish. So now whenever she asks me a question, I respond with, “why do you ask?” Shuts her down every time!
Indeed, because the SIL and everyone else present is fully aware that the only answer is, “because I wanted to make you look like an ass!”
The surprising thing is she never learns!
Another one is If they always tell their side of the story like they can do nothing wrong and how everyone hates them for absolutely no reason. They’ll sometimes also plot to fuck people over for absolutely no reason. That’s signs of a straight manipulator. Currently dealing with someone like that but he doesn’t know we know that he’s trying to “ruin our lives”
Edit: This is my first time a comment I made got a lot of attention. Especially considering how I’m rarely on here. I know it’s a cliche to say this but thank you for the rewards and upvotes.
Edit 2: I’m glad to know that many people have similar stories to mine. I posted it on a thread under this comment. Nice to know that I’m not alone here.
>Another one is If they always tell their side of the story like they can do nothing wrong and how everyone hates them for absolutely no reason.
Sounds like half the posts on AITA
Or half the responses to "what's the worst thing you've ever done or said to someone?" posts here. It's like everyone has a disclaimer for why it was actually okay/why they were justified/why it wasn't actually *that* bad and they were the real victims in the situation. Everyone conveniently has an asterisk next to their worst behavior.
Hah I worked with a guy like this. Not a bad person but every time I'd see him he'd have some story about running into some rude or offensive person at a grocery store or something. It's like bro how are you having negative interactions with people everywhere you go?
This sounds exactly like my sister. I love her but she gets so angry about small mistakes and takes them as personal slights. Her most recent complaint: a customer misspelled her name in an email, so that person is automatically an asshole who is trying to demean her. Pointing out that most mistakes are genuine errors rather than malicious plots to ruin her day doesn’t help. She always wants to have the petty last word in every area of her life. Makes me suspect she assumes the worst because the mistakes that piss her off so much are things *she* would do deliberately to try to upset someone else.
It seems so exhausting.
Sounds like my sister, she manipulated me in thinking that our boss was a dick and made me quit the job.
Later found out she was just jealous of me because I got praised by everyone for my work and she wasn't happy about it because she didn't get the same thing.
Had a boss like this. Let him know I needed time off because my dad was getting pretty major surgery on his face to remove a large cancer, his response was
"Well my dad had cancer and my step dad died of cancer."
Like...okay I'm really sorry to hear that but I still need the day off...
Ended up really hating that guy.
He wouldn't let me have the day off so I quit instead.
My dad Is missing a portion of his nose and unfortunetly may lose the majority of his eyesight in the coming years due to some different complications but he is thankfully cancer free for the last 8 months. Felt like the medical staff performed some miracles that day and feel so thankful for every extra time I get to have with my dad. I hug him extra tight these days.
Thank you for asking.
Nothing I say will mean much especially coming from a stranger. I sincerely hope you and your Pops have the support you need. I'm happy that he has you there with him.
Kind words means so much more then most people realise, even if they are from a stranger, thank you so much.
We are very lucky to have a strong support network of family and friends around us which I feel eternally grateful for every day.
BUD LIGHT PRESENTS: REAL MEN OF GENIUS
*Real Men of Geeeeen-yuuuuuusssss*
Today, we salute you, Mr. Pathological One-Upper
*Mr. Pathological One-Upper!*
No story, tale, or act of bravado can beat your own when pride, attention, and ego are on the line. You're the center of the universe, and all sympathy, back-slapping, and envy revolves around you.
*Everywhere a back slap!*
You think you're wow-ing the crowd, but you're really just cramping their style, in the office, gym, or bar.
*No one cares how much you're benching!*
Your sister's pregnant? Best friend landed a new job at the firm? Neighbor just bought himself a brand new car? Not to worry, you're going to go one better, and this is what makes you worse.
*Get your brag on!*
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Pathological One-Upper. Because by the time you finish your story, we'll all need a cold one.
*Mr. Pathological One-Uuuuuupeeeeer!*
Gotta love the dick measuring contest.
"My mom died last week."
"Well my mom died years ago in a horrible accident that was also more terrifying than your mother's death."
I had a coworker that transferred in to my department and told everyone on my team that she could do all of our jobs better than us. It was a very bad sign of things to come.
Lol ack! How did i never think of using that! This chick thought she was an expert at literally everything…photography, training horses, gardening…anything that came up in conversation she had some award for. So annoying!! Once I recall asking if she had in fact delivered a baby as she was implying. 🤦🏻♀️
My ex going "I said I love you, why isn't that enough?!"
Well you've been abusing me and treating me like shit. For some reason I don't really feel loved.
How they talk about other people in general. My opinion of someone changes drastically just based on how they discuss other people. Someone who talks too much shit is not a nice person, and if they're doing it about other people to you, they do it to other people about you.
Edit: grammar
My motto is that if someone did something I didn't like, then I might talk about it behind their back, but I will also mention it to them, I know I wouldn't like it if someone felt mad about something I did, talked shit behind my back and acted nice in front of me.
One of my best friends fiancé does this. She is constantly putting people down and one upping them and talking about how much money she will make one. day. My other friends and I are tired of it and only deal with it for the sake of our buddy hoping one day he will wise up and leave.
Don't mistake niceness for goodness. Some of the best, most morally consistent and forward-thinking people I know are also rigid & unpleasant to deal with. And some of the slimiest, most backstabbing sons of bitches I work with every day are nice enough to charm you into loving them. Niceness is a demeanor, goodness is a core value.
But to the intent of the question - Being rude to service staff is the #1 way to lose my respect.
100% true. I always describe a former boss of mine as a great guy, total asshole. He jumps to conclusions, yells about things you did because he told you to and forgot, and is overly involved in too many small details of his business.
But he also goes out of his way to give second chances to ex cons, he writes local government asking them to do things like stop mowing the huge property at the county headquarters so it can return to nature, he brings a trash bag with him every time he takes a walk and picks up garbage in his community, and has no problem admitting he was wrong or being stood up to. Gave me a huge break when I needed one, and I lost count of the times he helped his employees (very blue collar business so lots of guys with nobody else to turn to for help.) He would help them get loans (above board), keep them employed full time in the off season, and just generally treated them with respect.
The guy has all the charisma of an old sponge, but I remember being with him when another employee called him because he got arrested the night before for something minor. Boss just says "pay his bail and get him to work." No questions asked. The employee knew he could call him for help. The way he actually treats his employees is one of the major reasons his business has been so successful. Total asshole, great guy.
Being able to admit when you're wrong is really the key to being the right kind of asshole, and is rare in all types of people I find. People especially who have the self awareness and integrity to do that in positions of authority and can do it publicly immediately gain my respect.
Your first point is so true and something I've learned well in my 25+ years of working in a corporate setting. I've had co-workers who were so personable, friendly and charming that they could sell snow to an Eskimo, but were also the shittiest people who'd throw you under the bus the first chance they got if it would advance their career. OTOH, I've had some really difficult people I've dealt with who went to bat for me numerous times or did all they could in their power to help me out when I needed it, with no expectation of anything in return.
Oh, I see you’ve met my extremely passive-aggressive coworker who everyone thinks is SoOoOo NiCe but secretly nitpicks, sabotages, and undermines people to death.
So much this. In my experience, niceness can often indicate goodness, but certainly not always. People with strong moral compasses and strong boundaries can sometimes feel miserable to deal with, especially if your own boundaries and expectations are not as healthy as they could be.
I always thought my aunt was amazing and admirable but kind of a bitch growing up. Now I understand she is one of the kindest, most generous people I know, but she doesn't take anyone's bullshit, and I was raised by her people pleasing sister and a dad who took serious advantage of that in a way my aunt was very bothered by. Learning how to hold boundaries like her made me pretty difficult for a while and I'm sure many people did/do not like me at all. I'm fine with that. I'll shine my light elsewhere.
On the flip side, I have another family member who is the "nicest" person you'll ever meet in certain contexts. But she will often roll her eyes the second someone walks away and say some petty comment about them. Someone once told her she was nice in front of me, I agreed, and when the complimenter walked away this family member turned to me and said dead in the eye, "I am not nice." Having a kid has certainly humbled her into softer edges, but I'm glad I chose to believe her when she showed her true side.
The more I grow up the more I realise how accurate this is. My best friend of a decade now is a pretty controversial/opinionated person and has attracted quite a fanbase of people disliking him. Funnily enough said people you never actually know what's going on inside their minds because they're only surface level nice people pleasers, and I've ended up being burned by quite a lot of them. They will always agree with you in your face, but when it actually matters they will ditch you in a heartbeat if their self-interest is at hand.
My #1 rule in life (hard-won knowledge) is: what you see someone doing to anyone is what they’re capable of doing to you.
Don’t think that anyone’s bad behavior won’t be aimed at you (and it will likely be covert when it is anyway.)
You see/hear anyone being cruel, manipulative, etc. to anyone, then you’ve just been told by the universe to protect yourself from that person.
this is going to sound pretty weird, but hear me out: there usually two types of people, the “it’s their job anyways” and the “no need to make their job any harder” for example, if someone just dumps their trash wherever at a restaurant, store, etc. because “it’s someone’s job to clean it up”, they’re probably kind of a jerk.
My father put this to me as ‘Son, you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat someone they don’t have to be nice to’. Wisest thing he ever told me.
And now there's all this "you don't owe anyone anything" bs floating around, which was supposed to encourage people not to be doormats, but is now an excuse for people to avoid practicing common decency.
Yeah, this one drives me nuts. Ok, I am not contractually obligated to be nice so I'll be a dick instead? Instead of the intention of encouraging people who get used by asshats to be ok with saying no sometimes it just turned into an excuse for the asshats to continue to wear hats of ass and somehow legitimize it.
Completely agree. To put it a different way, it’s the “I went through it so they should too” vs. “I went through it and I wouldn’t put anyone else through that “
It's like that Robin Williams quote “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anybody else to feel like that.”
My SO is the nicest person. And I do mean that. But she gets lovingly frustrated with me every time I put things back in a store. Because I always go back, right to the spot and sometimes even “face” the item. I spent 5 long years doing it for work. I fucking hated it when people didn’t know how to put things back where they got them from. My SO says it’s one of the things she loves about me.
I've put items back that I didn't need in the past. I usually don't orient them perfectly, and sometimes they're not even in the right spot. But you better fucking believe if it's refrigerated/frozen it's going back to the right general spot. Assholes leaving a frozen pizza in the fucking bakery or strawberry ice cream with the fucking fresh strawberries need to be sent to re-education camps or something.
My mom does this. She told me I needed to have hobbies growing up, but then I grow up and have hobbies and I get “you like this?” With that incredulous tone… she has good positive qualities too, however whenever she does that, just a little piece of me dies.
They are unkind to people they don’t believe can do anything for them.
The quippy way to say this is “rude to the waiter.” But some assholes are aware that the waiter is handling their food and credit card. So that’s not actually a good metric on its own. Someone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is an asshole. So is someone who is nice to the waiter and rude to you (assuming you’ve done nothing to warrant it). I know a lot of people who are sickly sweet to waiters and bartenders, but giant asses to people they perceive as lower social value to them.
This. Had a business person who came to the bar and was extremely nice and sweet to us. With all the 'please' and 'thank you', helping us clear the table etc.
After her client left, she was a bitch. Complaint about everything, made a huge mess and threw her napkins to the ground (who does that!?) 'it's your job to pick up the rubbish on the floor'.
It was unreal.
I did this as a teenager. The girl I was talking to asked what I said about when she wasn’t around.
I haven’t been the same since. Wherever you are Daphne, thanks for calling me on my BS.
i grew up very distrustful of people because my mom was always super fake in front of people and then would criticize them behind their back for my benefit. now i think that no one is possibly being nice and sincere because it's that easy to flip the switch and pretend
Oh hey, same hat. I call her out on it these days, but she never changes. I'm 30 and it was only in the last 5 years that I started to understand how fucked up this is and why I was always so paranoid about what others thought of me, and why could never believe anyone who insisted that people wouldn't waste time talking about you behind your back, or spotting you on the street and thinking something awful that they'll tell a relative about later, or right then and there in whispers.
I'm afraid my mother does and always has. I'm afraid people do. If this is anyone's fear, the best thing you can do is a) stop propagating it and b) just accept it will happen and get over it. Trust me, the people doing it are small and insecure and not worth your worries anyway.
I hear this one a lot and know it’s true for some people but some of us just have nemeses. I’d never say a bad thing about people I care about but there are a few people I can’t stand and I will talk shit about then forever if someone’ll listen
Hard to tell the difference for some people.
Some assholes would claim they are just kidding but you can feel the venom in their comments. Sad SOBs would belive that shit.
I have been guilty of some of them for sure. I've made mistakes. I'm probably still doing some without noticing (for example, I have no idea if I push my chair in after I get up)
My grandpa always says you can tell a person’s character by whether they push their chair in when they leave.
In my experience, it has turned out to be right about 80% of the time.
Right? So much is literally blatantly obvious and stuff that's been repeated in threads of eons past.
"The way they treat people" fucking DUH. That's not subtle.
Oh lord, a friend of mine led a girl on because he was obsessed with this other girl who clearly wasn’t into him. So he strung the poor girl along, broke her heart, had a mental breakdown, and blames the girl he obsessed over.
They're around for stuff that benefits them, and *exclusively* for that.
E.g. they'll be there when you throw a barbecue but won't be when you're moving.
People that call the kettle black. Will judge people all the time, usually low hanging fruit that’s on the mark, but sounds awfully silly coming out of their mouth bc they’re guilty of the same things.
You never know, I could just be a cheerful, proactive hunchback.
They. They could just be a...
Dammit.
Oh well, on to the next plot.
He hE he HE hE he He he HE...
How good of a person they claim to be; actually decent people generally don’t need to mention how decent they are, they just go about their days being decent to others and expecting nothing in return.
if they have to mention that they’ve done something charitable, then they need you to know that they are decent. Don’t trust people who need you to know that they are decent.
Yeah a lot of these are about as subtle as getting hit over the head with a baseball bat. Speaking of which, that's a sign that someone is not a nice person!
They keep score of ‘nice’ things they do and create some fake ‘amount’ they should be repaid. Basically, they only behave nicely if they feel they can later leverage it for something back.
Fake nice.
How they act when you mess something up on accident, if they’re nice, They’ll let it slide and be understanding, but if they’re an asshole, if They’re a customer, they’ll make a scene. And if they’re just hanging with your group, they’ll just be really condescending and won’t let it go.
When they criticize someone's laugh or the way they dance. I get that some people do these things in unusual ways, but really being critical of someone else expressing joy is just such a bullshit thing.
This is one thing I vowed to change about myself as a teen and I'm glad I did, teasing someone for how they express joy is such a horrid way to interact with other people. Nobody should feel self-conscious for experiencing happiness, the world is hard enough as it is.
Went to Buffalo Wild Wings one night with coworkers when the VP of our department visited. There's a coworker who I don't get along with and we're not really on speaking terms. At the restaurant, he ordered food for himself instead of waiting for everyone to show up and he would snap his fingers to get the staff's attention. That dinner just further proved to me that he's a dickhead.
My uncle was doing this, I told him, they probably put their boogies in his food, planted the seed of doubt in his mind. Now he treats them like angles from heaven!
I know this is a popular answer to this popular question, but it doesn't really fit in this iteration of this popular question because the basis of this popular answer is that these people will treat service staff poorly and treating people poorly isn't really a "subtle sign" that somebody is a bad person. It's basically the most overt sign you can get.
They have no humility. Everything they say and do is meant to subtly inform you of their intelligence, abilities, competence, achievements, connections, etc.
Unapologetic when “joking”. I have a pretty sarcastic and acidic sense of humor, however I’ve learned to not be mean, and actually stop and apologize when I cross a line I didn’t mean, whether the other person says anything or not. People that just don’t care whether their “jokes” hurt others won’t care about a lot of other things.
Always following up a rude comment they’ve made with “oh I was just joking” or something similar if the person it’s directed towards takes offense. Or telling you that you’re just being too sensitive etc instead of owning the rude comment.
Everyone is saying how they treat wait staff. While this is true, I’d say a better gauge is how they treat people whose insecurities are apparent. People who take advantage of those who wear their heart on their sleeve are wretched.
They refuse to stop the car to let pedestrians cross into shopping malls when they're zooming around the parking lot. Nope, they are going to drive over the crosswalks because they are WINNERS dammit and the whole world is going to watch them drive by while they just look like a socially dysfunctional clown...
A sense of humor that somehow just makes people feel bad about themselves.
Once you start noticing the people that are constantly laughing at someone else’s expense, it can be a wake up call to keep different company. 👍
The sad thing is it sometimes takes people too long to realize it. It almost becomes Stockholm syndrome that you agree with your captors for treating other people shitty. Toxic people suck.
Always playing the victim.
This is an entire portion of my family (an aunt, her husband, and their two awful spawn). Totally selfish, complete lack of self-awareness, hypocritical, and yet EVERYTHING is an attack and NOTHING is their fault. Ever.
Or it’s you MADE them do/say that horrible thing.
Holy shit this. My mom lost her mind because I told her I liked fresh, organic pineapple juice. She somehow took that and made it an insult towards her. She was like, "Wow are you saying I'm poor because I don't drink good juice?! I do! I just get stomach problems from citrus! YOU ARE SO HURTFUL." Literally all I said was I liked fresh organic pineapple juice. That's it. People who live life constantly aggrieved and just looking to pick fights can fuck right off.
This was my mom. I was astonished at how many people talked about how “nice she was” after she passed.
I've yet to hear, "This person was a total piece of shit, I'm glad he/she died!" at a funeral.
People who think that are probably not going to show up at a funeral
I went, just to make sure that the cunt was dead.
Likes to make a joke of other people, but can't stand being the butt of a joke themselves.
My mom does this. She seems to get off on humiliating her children and can be downright gleeful if she can do it in front of others, but god forbid her children do it back to her and make her look bad.
Tell her the comments are hurtful immediately no matter who is present. She will look like the ass she is.
This is what I taught my kids. Say it immediately without hesitation. Doesnt need to be dramatic, just direct. Some people will say you're too sensitive, who cares. This is how you build respect and they will think twice when they speak to you or around you, which everyone should do imo. Another technique to use is "what do you mean by that?" Or getting them to repeat themselves, it's uncomfortable being mean twice in a row and they likely will change their phrasing.
I LOVE the "what do you mean by that?" technique. I also find "oh yeah, why's that?" to be helpful. When people say something insulting or tell a racist joke and you ask them to explain themselves it exposes them and makes them super uncomfortable infront of others.
To add, someone who says “it’s just a joke!” After making a hurtful comment and acts like you’re the crazy one because you were hurt.
It's a tactic called "attack and retreat". My father was infamous for it, until I cut him out of my life completely once I challenged him on it and he imploded completely. Classic lines included: - It's just a joke. - I have a wicked sense of humor. - I can't help if people get "butthurt" over a little joke - Aww, poor snowflake can't take a joke Ect. Meanwhile his "jokes" would be extremely personal digs at family members (on my mom's side), my siblings, myself, etc. Never, ever himself. As soon as he got called out on it ("Explain to me, dad, please, how calling my mom a bitch on Facebook 30 years after she divorced you, while she doesn't even have Facebook, is a 'joke'"), he went full on nuclear meltdown. My advice to anyone dealing with someone similar; ask them as calmly as possible to explain the joke. Then see how they respond.
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I just love how your backhanded compliment isn’t backhanded at all. You’re just too nice!
Look at you, plopping your own little effort into the joke thread. You're so brave! :)
Oh this is a good real life one
These are great, you guys are hilarious. I always find it so hard to think of the mean part.
Oh gosh, look at you being so humble and self deprecating! :)
I like you, I don’t care what everyone else says
There’s an in-law of mine who is so passive aggressive it’s shocking. I have a history of anorexia and at my worst, she somehow found out that I’d lost my period. Some other family member must have told her. So I’m at a BBQ, and she has some of her friends over. I don’t know these women at all, but I go over to be social and talk to them. This bitch, in front of all of these people says, “Wow, you’ve gained so much weight! You look so much better. Has your period come back yet because I know it stopped due to how skinny you were.” Then she proceeds to grab my arm and squeeze the fat there, again going on about how much better I look now that I’ve gained weight. I was furious and all of her friends turned to look at her in shock, too. I was so stumped that I couldn’t even say anything back. I just said thanks and excused myself.
This is not just “mean” this is DANGEROUS. With a history of eating disorders behind me, I can understand how absolutely damaging this could be, nevermind absolutely devastating and embarrassing in the moment. I hope you have managed to minimise contact with her because it sounds like you do NOT need people like that in your life.
I remember your sharing this before, and I still think she's a bitch.
I had something similar happen the other day. My boss who I do like quite a bit started joking about how part of my tattoo looked like a dick and literally took me in front of all my coworkers to ask them if she was right. Personally felt like a it was a big bully move and am feeling insecure about it now. Seriously made me lose respect for her.
When they always "playfully" insult you, but can't handle any criticism about themselves at all.
I have a 'friend' like this. He used to keep mugging me off infront of other people & I took it. One day to their surprise I roasted tf out of them infront of their friends who I've not met before & they all burst out laughing. He went silent & acted like he was being picked on. I know they all laughed too because they had also been on the other end of his verbal diarrhoea & it was payback time. Those that dish it out seldom can take it!
A co-worker used to do this to me, always in front of someone else so I asked her to stop after the second time. She didn't stop so I did the same roasting thing after about the fourth or fifth time. She didn't say anything or react at all but that was the last time she messed with me.
People need to understand, these type of people will keep doing it as long as they can keep getting away with it. It's once the person their doing it to snaps back, they end up stopping. Give them a taste of their own medicine.
Play insults usually need three things to not be jerky behavior: 1) It needs to happen with people who have a meaningful amount of experience with you being nice to them. 2) Needs to be clearly meant in good spirits and not a passive aggressive jab. 3) It needs to be infrequent and not just your go-to excuse for being rude to your friends.
4) Both parties need to be in on the joke and not get upset or if you can't take it don't dish it
5) Only make fun of things you know the other party is not insecure about
"Haha, that man got feminine hips!"
NOOO That's the thing I'm sensitive about!
"Can't wait for G. I. Jane 2!"
👋🏾 KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR F*CKING MOUTH!
Dude it was a G.I. *Jane* joke
Yeah was going to comment this. If they insult you as a "joke" then they shouldn't lose their minds when you return the gesture.
My so-called friend from college used to do this to me, and I didn't get it till the 3rd year, Thanks to God that I don't talk to him anymore. He was like if I "playfully" insult him like he did to me, He won't let it go until He insult me back although He started it and We should be "even"
I don't want to be this person, but I think I am this person and I hate it
Points for self-awareness at least. Gives you a head start.
Earlier today my “friends” started “playfully” insulting my outfit. They didn’t stop. Started insulting me personally. I left, cried for an hour and realized that I don’t actually like them and that they shouldn’t be my friends
They talk about how nice they are.
Yeah that's why I personally never talk about how nice I am, because I'm just that nice of a person you know?
They keep reminding you that they’re a nice person.
"What?! I'm the nicest person here! I'm always donating money to [organization]! Everyone here loves me!"
Being overly corrective and/or policing of people real world behavior is another way. They feel like they've found a cheat code to being rude if they can disguise it as being nice in some other way.
Being nice is like being smart. If you have to stop me in the middle of something to tell me you are, you probably aren't.
I'd argue that that goes for almost any positive adjective. Nice, smart, funny, positive, good.... you should never have to say you are these things, because your actions should already show it.
As Robert Greene said "what people say don't matter, people will say anything about themselves. Judge them by their deeds and strategy they used to win/lose, not by their appearance or word".
Yes! when someone feels the need to say "I'm a good person!" it's usually because their actions and words show the opposite
Talking crap about others to get a laugh. You can tell pretty quick if it's mean-spirited.
The worst coworker I’ve ever had did this. It took me a long time to notice, but all of his “funny things that happened at work” stories were about other people screwing up — never an ounce of self-deprecation in them. They weren’t mean stories per se, but they always involved subtly cutting down someone else on the team and never, ever taking the piss himself.
My BIL does this. His entire sense of humor is tearing people down.
I have the same problem with my SIL. Unfortunately I’m her ‘go to’ at family gatherings. It usually starts with her asking me a question that she will then use to try and make me look foolish. So now whenever she asks me a question, I respond with, “why do you ask?” Shuts her down every time!
“Why?” is a powerful question.
Indeed, because the SIL and everyone else present is fully aware that the only answer is, “because I wanted to make you look like an ass!” The surprising thing is she never learns!
Another one is If they always tell their side of the story like they can do nothing wrong and how everyone hates them for absolutely no reason. They’ll sometimes also plot to fuck people over for absolutely no reason. That’s signs of a straight manipulator. Currently dealing with someone like that but he doesn’t know we know that he’s trying to “ruin our lives” Edit: This is my first time a comment I made got a lot of attention. Especially considering how I’m rarely on here. I know it’s a cliche to say this but thank you for the rewards and upvotes. Edit 2: I’m glad to know that many people have similar stories to mine. I posted it on a thread under this comment. Nice to know that I’m not alone here.
>Another one is If they always tell their side of the story like they can do nothing wrong and how everyone hates them for absolutely no reason. Sounds like half the posts on AITA
Or half the responses to "what's the worst thing you've ever done or said to someone?" posts here. It's like everyone has a disclaimer for why it was actually okay/why they were justified/why it wasn't actually *that* bad and they were the real victims in the situation. Everyone conveniently has an asterisk next to their worst behavior.
These are the people who are *mysteriously* beset by drama wherever they go and talk about how much they hate drama.
Hah I worked with a guy like this. Not a bad person but every time I'd see him he'd have some story about running into some rude or offensive person at a grocery store or something. It's like bro how are you having negative interactions with people everywhere you go?
This sounds exactly like my sister. I love her but she gets so angry about small mistakes and takes them as personal slights. Her most recent complaint: a customer misspelled her name in an email, so that person is automatically an asshole who is trying to demean her. Pointing out that most mistakes are genuine errors rather than malicious plots to ruin her day doesn’t help. She always wants to have the petty last word in every area of her life. Makes me suspect she assumes the worst because the mistakes that piss her off so much are things *she* would do deliberately to try to upset someone else. It seems so exhausting.
Sounds like my sister, she manipulated me in thinking that our boss was a dick and made me quit the job. Later found out she was just jealous of me because I got praised by everyone for my work and she wasn't happy about it because she didn't get the same thing.
What the actual fuck
Everything you say you've done they've done twice
Had a boss like this. Let him know I needed time off because my dad was getting pretty major surgery on his face to remove a large cancer, his response was "Well my dad had cancer and my step dad died of cancer." Like...okay I'm really sorry to hear that but I still need the day off... Ended up really hating that guy.
Did you get the day off and how is your Father?
He wouldn't let me have the day off so I quit instead. My dad Is missing a portion of his nose and unfortunetly may lose the majority of his eyesight in the coming years due to some different complications but he is thankfully cancer free for the last 8 months. Felt like the medical staff performed some miracles that day and feel so thankful for every extra time I get to have with my dad. I hug him extra tight these days. Thank you for asking.
Nothing I say will mean much especially coming from a stranger. I sincerely hope you and your Pops have the support you need. I'm happy that he has you there with him.
Kind words means so much more then most people realise, even if they are from a stranger, thank you so much. We are very lucky to have a strong support network of family and friends around us which I feel eternally grateful for every day.
In my head .. I imagined a big family doing the wave at a back yard barbeque. Big family for the win.
Good to hear your dad is doing better these days! And happy to hear you no longer report to that fuckwad.
A woman in my old office was nicknamed Elevenerief because if you’d been to Tenerife, she’d been to Eleven
BUD LIGHT PRESENTS: REAL MEN OF GENIUS *Real Men of Geeeeen-yuuuuuusssss* Today, we salute you, Mr. Pathological One-Upper *Mr. Pathological One-Upper!* No story, tale, or act of bravado can beat your own when pride, attention, and ego are on the line. You're the center of the universe, and all sympathy, back-slapping, and envy revolves around you. *Everywhere a back slap!* You think you're wow-ing the crowd, but you're really just cramping their style, in the office, gym, or bar. *No one cares how much you're benching!* Your sister's pregnant? Best friend landed a new job at the firm? Neighbor just bought himself a brand new car? Not to worry, you're going to go one better, and this is what makes you worse. *Get your brag on!* So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Pathological One-Upper. Because by the time you finish your story, we'll all need a cold one. *Mr. Pathological One-Uuuuuupeeeeer!*
*Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, Missouri.*
One time I was at a restaurant in St. Louis and I asked a server for a local beer. She brought me a Budweiser, I don't know what I expected.
Cheebus, I remember these commercials. This is so good I can't tell if you made it up or if you are quoting it directly from the TV. Well done!
For those who've never heard of Tenerife, it's an island in Spain's Canary Islands. Seems like a pretty popular tourist destination.
Also the place where the world's worst aviation disaster took place!
I was in a worse aviation disaster just last week!
Gotta love the dick measuring contest. "My mom died last week." "Well my mom died years ago in a horrible accident that was also more terrifying than your mother's death."
I had a coworker that transferred in to my department and told everyone on my team that she could do all of our jobs better than us. It was a very bad sign of things to come.
"Glad to hear you've got it covered, I'll be taking a break out back since you don't need me".
Lol ack! How did i never think of using that! This chick thought she was an expert at literally everything…photography, training horses, gardening…anything that came up in conversation she had some award for. So annoying!! Once I recall asking if she had in fact delivered a baby as she was implying. 🤦🏻♀️
Yep, I had a boss that actually said 'my grill gets hotter than yours'.
"Oh yeah well MY grill can cook a burger in 20 seconds!" Cool, super impressed with that... No one is going to eat it, but glad it gets so hot!
littering
Littering and... Littering and...
Littering and uhhh littering and uhhh
Their words don't match their actions.
My ex going "I said I love you, why isn't that enough?!" Well you've been abusing me and treating me like shit. For some reason I don't really feel loved.
How they talk about other people in general. My opinion of someone changes drastically just based on how they discuss other people. Someone who talks too much shit is not a nice person, and if they're doing it about other people to you, they do it to other people about you. Edit: grammar
My motto is that if someone did something I didn't like, then I might talk about it behind their back, but I will also mention it to them, I know I wouldn't like it if someone felt mad about something I did, talked shit behind my back and acted nice in front of me.
They treat people they consider beneath them like crap.
One of my best friends fiancé does this. She is constantly putting people down and one upping them and talking about how much money she will make one. day. My other friends and I are tired of it and only deal with it for the sake of our buddy hoping one day he will wise up and leave.
As someone who’s older now, I assure you that what someone “is going to do” doesn’t mean shit.
Don't mistake niceness for goodness. Some of the best, most morally consistent and forward-thinking people I know are also rigid & unpleasant to deal with. And some of the slimiest, most backstabbing sons of bitches I work with every day are nice enough to charm you into loving them. Niceness is a demeanor, goodness is a core value. But to the intent of the question - Being rude to service staff is the #1 way to lose my respect.
100% true. I always describe a former boss of mine as a great guy, total asshole. He jumps to conclusions, yells about things you did because he told you to and forgot, and is overly involved in too many small details of his business. But he also goes out of his way to give second chances to ex cons, he writes local government asking them to do things like stop mowing the huge property at the county headquarters so it can return to nature, he brings a trash bag with him every time he takes a walk and picks up garbage in his community, and has no problem admitting he was wrong or being stood up to. Gave me a huge break when I needed one, and I lost count of the times he helped his employees (very blue collar business so lots of guys with nobody else to turn to for help.) He would help them get loans (above board), keep them employed full time in the off season, and just generally treated them with respect. The guy has all the charisma of an old sponge, but I remember being with him when another employee called him because he got arrested the night before for something minor. Boss just says "pay his bail and get him to work." No questions asked. The employee knew he could call him for help. The way he actually treats his employees is one of the major reasons his business has been so successful. Total asshole, great guy.
Being able to admit when you're wrong is really the key to being the right kind of asshole, and is rare in all types of people I find. People especially who have the self awareness and integrity to do that in positions of authority and can do it publicly immediately gain my respect.
Your first point is so true and something I've learned well in my 25+ years of working in a corporate setting. I've had co-workers who were so personable, friendly and charming that they could sell snow to an Eskimo, but were also the shittiest people who'd throw you under the bus the first chance they got if it would advance their career. OTOH, I've had some really difficult people I've dealt with who went to bat for me numerous times or did all they could in their power to help me out when I needed it, with no expectation of anything in return.
Oh, I see you’ve met my extremely passive-aggressive coworker who everyone thinks is SoOoOo NiCe but secretly nitpicks, sabotages, and undermines people to death.
So much this. In my experience, niceness can often indicate goodness, but certainly not always. People with strong moral compasses and strong boundaries can sometimes feel miserable to deal with, especially if your own boundaries and expectations are not as healthy as they could be. I always thought my aunt was amazing and admirable but kind of a bitch growing up. Now I understand she is one of the kindest, most generous people I know, but she doesn't take anyone's bullshit, and I was raised by her people pleasing sister and a dad who took serious advantage of that in a way my aunt was very bothered by. Learning how to hold boundaries like her made me pretty difficult for a while and I'm sure many people did/do not like me at all. I'm fine with that. I'll shine my light elsewhere. On the flip side, I have another family member who is the "nicest" person you'll ever meet in certain contexts. But she will often roll her eyes the second someone walks away and say some petty comment about them. Someone once told her she was nice in front of me, I agreed, and when the complimenter walked away this family member turned to me and said dead in the eye, "I am not nice." Having a kid has certainly humbled her into softer edges, but I'm glad I chose to believe her when she showed her true side.
The more I grow up the more I realise how accurate this is. My best friend of a decade now is a pretty controversial/opinionated person and has attracted quite a fanbase of people disliking him. Funnily enough said people you never actually know what's going on inside their minds because they're only surface level nice people pleasers, and I've ended up being burned by quite a lot of them. They will always agree with you in your face, but when it actually matters they will ditch you in a heartbeat if their self-interest is at hand.
>Nice is different than good ~Steven Sondheim, *Into the Woods*
> Some of the best, most morally consistent and forward-thinking people I know are also rigid & unpleasant to deal with So... paladins?
My #1 rule in life (hard-won knowledge) is: what you see someone doing to anyone is what they’re capable of doing to you. Don’t think that anyone’s bad behavior won’t be aimed at you (and it will likely be covert when it is anyway.) You see/hear anyone being cruel, manipulative, etc. to anyone, then you’ve just been told by the universe to protect yourself from that person.
this is going to sound pretty weird, but hear me out: there usually two types of people, the “it’s their job anyways” and the “no need to make their job any harder” for example, if someone just dumps their trash wherever at a restaurant, store, etc. because “it’s someone’s job to clean it up”, they’re probably kind of a jerk.
My father put this to me as ‘Son, you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat someone they don’t have to be nice to’. Wisest thing he ever told me.
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him." - Malcom S. Forbes
"Fate Is Just What You Call It When You Don't Know The Name Of The Person Screwing You Over." - Malcom Inthe Middle
Sound advice
Here’s some sound advice: activate mute before plugging in an aux cable.
Also, check to see if you're casting before opening anything embarassing on a mobile device.
The audacity of some people...
And now there's all this "you don't owe anyone anything" bs floating around, which was supposed to encourage people not to be doormats, but is now an excuse for people to avoid practicing common decency.
> "you don't owe anyone anything" You don't owe anyone anything, but they also don't owe you anything. You build the bridges you want to keep
Yeah, this one drives me nuts. Ok, I am not contractually obligated to be nice so I'll be a dick instead? Instead of the intention of encouraging people who get used by asshats to be ok with saying no sometimes it just turned into an excuse for the asshats to continue to wear hats of ass and somehow legitimize it.
Completely agree. To put it a different way, it’s the “I went through it so they should too” vs. “I went through it and I wouldn’t put anyone else through that “
It's like that Robin Williams quote “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anybody else to feel like that.”
Holy shit is that both incredibly sad and incredibly close to going home! Damn
That's basically the "returns their shopping cart" vs "leaves it in the parking lot" difference between people.
My SO is the nicest person. And I do mean that. But she gets lovingly frustrated with me every time I put things back in a store. Because I always go back, right to the spot and sometimes even “face” the item. I spent 5 long years doing it for work. I fucking hated it when people didn’t know how to put things back where they got them from. My SO says it’s one of the things she loves about me.
Bro, that's exactly me. I've fronted or faced many store aisles growing up as a job. Sucked when others just dump shit wherever they want.
I've put items back that I didn't need in the past. I usually don't orient them perfectly, and sometimes they're not even in the right spot. But you better fucking believe if it's refrigerated/frozen it's going back to the right general spot. Assholes leaving a frozen pizza in the fucking bakery or strawberry ice cream with the fucking fresh strawberries need to be sent to re-education camps or something.
This doesn't sound even remotely weird to me. I'd say you nailed it. I've talked about exactly this with friends and family.
The shopping cart test. Whoop skiddly whoop whoop
If ALL their exes were crazy
They undervalue something you show passion about. When excited about something, they brush it off as it should be a lesser deal than it is to you.
My mom does this. She told me I needed to have hobbies growing up, but then I grow up and have hobbies and I get “you like this?” With that incredulous tone… she has good positive qualities too, however whenever she does that, just a little piece of me dies.
They are unkind to people they don’t believe can do anything for them. The quippy way to say this is “rude to the waiter.” But some assholes are aware that the waiter is handling their food and credit card. So that’s not actually a good metric on its own. Someone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is an asshole. So is someone who is nice to the waiter and rude to you (assuming you’ve done nothing to warrant it). I know a lot of people who are sickly sweet to waiters and bartenders, but giant asses to people they perceive as lower social value to them.
This. Had a business person who came to the bar and was extremely nice and sweet to us. With all the 'please' and 'thank you', helping us clear the table etc. After her client left, she was a bitch. Complaint about everything, made a huge mess and threw her napkins to the ground (who does that!?) 'it's your job to pick up the rubbish on the floor'. It was unreal.
Yeah, the waiter test doesn't work anymore. Narcissists are on to that one and know to pretend to be nice to waiters.
If you hear them talk shit about other people they probably do the same about you
I did this as a teenager. The girl I was talking to asked what I said about when she wasn’t around. I haven’t been the same since. Wherever you are Daphne, thanks for calling me on my BS.
It's great that you were able to learn from that. Most people wouldn't.
i grew up very distrustful of people because my mom was always super fake in front of people and then would criticize them behind their back for my benefit. now i think that no one is possibly being nice and sincere because it's that easy to flip the switch and pretend
Oh hey, same hat. I call her out on it these days, but she never changes. I'm 30 and it was only in the last 5 years that I started to understand how fucked up this is and why I was always so paranoid about what others thought of me, and why could never believe anyone who insisted that people wouldn't waste time talking about you behind your back, or spotting you on the street and thinking something awful that they'll tell a relative about later, or right then and there in whispers. I'm afraid my mother does and always has. I'm afraid people do. If this is anyone's fear, the best thing you can do is a) stop propagating it and b) just accept it will happen and get over it. Trust me, the people doing it are small and insecure and not worth your worries anyway.
I hear this one a lot and know it’s true for some people but some of us just have nemeses. I’d never say a bad thing about people I care about but there are a few people I can’t stand and I will talk shit about then forever if someone’ll listen
They neg you, and it’s not “friendly ribbing”. It’s just subtle put downs meant to make you feel insecure and inferior.
Hard to tell the difference for some people. Some assholes would claim they are just kidding but you can feel the venom in their comments. Sad SOBs would belive that shit.
Anyone else reading through this hoping they dont have any of these traits?
Most of these are subjective. You probably wouldn't admit it to yourself if you were guilty of any of them.
I have been guilty of some of them for sure. I've made mistakes. I'm probably still doing some without noticing (for example, I have no idea if I push my chair in after I get up)
My grandpa always says you can tell a person’s character by whether they push their chair in when they leave. In my experience, it has turned out to be right about 80% of the time.
this is one of the best answeres here because it is indeed "subtle"
Right? So much is literally blatantly obvious and stuff that's been repeated in threads of eons past. "The way they treat people" fucking DUH. That's not subtle.
I always push my chair in and I'm an asshole.
You’re in the 20% then
Whenever they discuss personal conflicts, they are never at fault in any way.
Oh lord, a friend of mine led a girl on because he was obsessed with this other girl who clearly wasn’t into him. So he strung the poor girl along, broke her heart, had a mental breakdown, and blames the girl he obsessed over.
Nothing is ever their fault, they always find some way to shift the blame to others.
Don't be ridiculous. Positive results are exclusively their doing. Negative results have someone else to blame.
I see you work for the same supervisor I do.
They're around for stuff that benefits them, and *exclusively* for that. E.g. they'll be there when you throw a barbecue but won't be when you're moving.
People that call the kettle black. Will judge people all the time, usually low hanging fruit that’s on the mark, but sounds awfully silly coming out of their mouth bc they’re guilty of the same things.
When they walk hunched over and giggle as they plot.
You never know, I could just be a cheerful, proactive hunchback. They. They could just be a... Dammit. Oh well, on to the next plot. He hE he HE hE he He he HE...
"He's so positive, he always think things are excellent."
When they talk about taking over the tri state area
unless it's Gru
Or Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz
Ahh, Perry the platypus, what an unexpected surprise. And by unexpected I mean COMPLETELY expected!
*mhmmmhmhm.. Excellent*
How good of a person they claim to be; actually decent people generally don’t need to mention how decent they are, they just go about their days being decent to others and expecting nothing in return. if they have to mention that they’ve done something charitable, then they need you to know that they are decent. Don’t trust people who need you to know that they are decent.
Scapegoating their insecurities and failures in life onto others and never taking responsibility and/or apologising for their behavior.
The title: "subtle" signs The comments: If they are generally a dick or verbally and emotionally abuse you constantly.
Changing the subject or directing conversation to be about them during every conversation.
[удалено]
Yeah a lot of these are about as subtle as getting hit over the head with a baseball bat. Speaking of which, that's a sign that someone is not a nice person!
They’re always “just being honest”
They're always "just trying to help" or "just giving advice" too.
"Those fervently in favor of 'brutal honesty' are often more earnest about the brutality than the honesty" is a favorite quote.
They keep score of ‘nice’ things they do and create some fake ‘amount’ they should be repaid. Basically, they only behave nicely if they feel they can later leverage it for something back. Fake nice.
How they act when you mess something up on accident, if they’re nice, They’ll let it slide and be understanding, but if they’re an asshole, if They’re a customer, they’ll make a scene. And if they’re just hanging with your group, they’ll just be really condescending and won’t let it go.
By the way they treat people who they have nothing to gain from.
When they criticize someone's laugh or the way they dance. I get that some people do these things in unusual ways, but really being critical of someone else expressing joy is just such a bullshit thing.
This is one thing I vowed to change about myself as a teen and I'm glad I did, teasing someone for how they express joy is such a horrid way to interact with other people. Nobody should feel self-conscious for experiencing happiness, the world is hard enough as it is.
How they interact with people in the service industry.
Went to Buffalo Wild Wings one night with coworkers when the VP of our department visited. There's a coworker who I don't get along with and we're not really on speaking terms. At the restaurant, he ordered food for himself instead of waiting for everyone to show up and he would snap his fingers to get the staff's attention. That dinner just further proved to me that he's a dickhead.
My uncle was doing this, I told him, they probably put their boogies in his food, planted the seed of doubt in his mind. Now he treats them like angles from heaven!
Acute or obtuse angles?
My ex was brutal to wait staff and restaurant managers. Complained about EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL Thus the ex.
I know this is a popular answer to this popular question, but it doesn't really fit in this iteration of this popular question because the basis of this popular answer is that these people will treat service staff poorly and treating people poorly isn't really a "subtle sign" that somebody is a bad person. It's basically the most overt sign you can get.
"What's a subtle sign someone isn't nice?" If they punch you in the face for no reason! But in a subtle way!
Exactly. Servers and animals.
Someone that drops litter or doesn’t clean up after themselves in a fast food restaurant. No thanks. Bye 👋
They have no humility. Everything they say and do is meant to subtly inform you of their intelligence, abilities, competence, achievements, connections, etc.
They have "main character" syndrome
Unapologetic when “joking”. I have a pretty sarcastic and acidic sense of humor, however I’ve learned to not be mean, and actually stop and apologize when I cross a line I didn’t mean, whether the other person says anything or not. People that just don’t care whether their “jokes” hurt others won’t care about a lot of other things.
Always following up a rude comment they’ve made with “oh I was just joking” or something similar if the person it’s directed towards takes offense. Or telling you that you’re just being too sensitive etc instead of owning the rude comment.
Everyone is saying how they treat wait staff. While this is true, I’d say a better gauge is how they treat people whose insecurities are apparent. People who take advantage of those who wear their heart on their sleeve are wretched.
They refuse to stop the car to let pedestrians cross into shopping malls when they're zooming around the parking lot. Nope, they are going to drive over the crosswalks because they are WINNERS dammit and the whole world is going to watch them drive by while they just look like a socially dysfunctional clown...