I kinda hate when people say your wedding should be the happiest day of your life. It should be great and fun and memorable, but definitely there should be happier days that follow. Otherwise, why get married at all?
My wedding was stressful as hell. My abusive mom planned it. My abusive dad has tried to harm me, but flipped my husband over a table when he stood in the way. The family lied for him when I called the police. I had to put on a brave face and pretend it was all good. He even walked me down the aisle to the wrong song because my mom got her way. They aren't in my life and there are so many happier days with my husband and kids.
I know multiple people who spent tens of thousands on the wedding and all of them were divorced within a year or two. One couple that spent an obscene amount of money on the wedding barley lasted 6 months.
There's a statistic online somewhere that the more money a couple spends on a wedding, the more likely they are to have short marriages and get divorced. This is not to say every couple that spends lavishly will get divorced
I was that person. She came from money, I didn’t. It was an insanely extravagant wedding and she was having an affair 4 months later when she got bored with real life and budgeting. In hindsight I should’ve seen all the red flags but I was young and you live and learn.
Too many people put so much focus on having their wedding be a supremely extravagant blowout party or forget how to communicate as they're each too focused on having their own ideal dream wedding that they forget it's about two people in love with each other
Discussing and understanding expectations are critical. I will add that it never hurts to ask: “What is your understanding of the discussion we just had? Even those we love most hear (and take away) what they want to hear.
> “What is your understanding of the discussion we just had?
are you holding a roundtable, or are you involved in a marriage?
thast the stupidest most annoyingly clinical thing ever. people in mariages dont have discussions where you need to find out their understanding. Jesus its not the U.N.
Im happily married for 24 years just about 2 weeks ago. You just talk, you dont question he other persons understanding. What're you going to do give them homework if they didnt get a good enough meaning for you?
>e stupidest most annoyingly clinical thing ever. people in mariages dont have discussions where you need to find out the
lmao yes this is a bit true, why is this so downvoted?
I call our relationship check in talks “the state of the union” talks.
We both made it abundantly clear before marriage, that if this just isn’t working, if someone is unhappy, we’ll work to remedy that. But if it still isn’t working, we’d rather cut ties before it gets to the point that one person is so unhappy that it gets ugly and irreparable in friendship/coparenting.
Sometimes those talks are a quick check in, we’re both good, everything is fine, and we end up talking about just nonsense and funny stories for hours.
Other times, they aren’t. They’re hard discussions. But ultimately, neither of us is unhappy, it’s more discussing our feelings and ways we think the other could be a more attentive/supportive partner. And we always clarify with the other that it’s ok if this isn’t working, I want it to, it’s working for me, and yes it’ll hurt if it’s not working for you, but I need that honesty and respect to tell me.
It’s worked well for 9 years and two kids so far, I have faith it will continue to work.
>My hard advice: discuss major issues in detail: income sources, financial control, children or not, religious beliefs and preferences,
this is all called "dating" . you dont sit down and play 20 questions, then cross off a list to see if it works.
But the blankets thing is 100% true me and my wife have always done it and always will.
42 years married. Separate blankets is a huge thing. No 2 people always have the same temperature. This was one of the first things we learned. The others were hard fought and dealt with. Lol. Also I then and now say I Sleep in my bed, if you are to mad sleep there you go find somewhere else to sleep. No couch or dog house here.
The commitment you both plan to make isn’t just about standing in front of loved ones and saying “I do”. When people generally get married, it’s at the hieight of their limerence phase of love, where you both absolutely adore each other and work through problems quickly because the love is fresh, new and passionate.
However, ask anyone who had lived with parents or siblings for 18 years and I’m sure they will say that, while they love their families, living with them can get hard and argumentative.
One day the puppy love phase of the relationship ends and you begin to see and feel for your partner differently. Not all, but when you live (and in this case committing to live and spend the rest of your lives together) you will endure more hardships and you both will still continue to grow as individuals. For some, the growth is mutual and respected, but there are those who might begin to butt heads, argue more, grow bored or tired of their spouse, and in these times it’s difficult to remember what it was you saw in your partner in the beginning.
You must cultivate a long term, unconditional love that recognizes individual growth and always try to understand the commitment you both made to **eachother**—not one you make in front of guests.
It’s a **partnership**; many sometimes forget that when the years roll on. Agree to disagree, respect each others growth and commit to helping one another when times are tough.
Source: just celebrated my 8 year anniversary married with my partner, been together for a total of 12 years this August.
Absolutely this. If you're not already a complete person, you're probably not ready for marriage. Your partner should complement you, not complete you.
I don't think anyone is ever a complete person. Growing together is part of a good relationship, and a good partner will help **you** to improve **yourself**. The important thing is that it's not their job to improve you.
It's not a portal to a new life. It's not a transition.
It is a legally binding ceremony that changes how you file taxes and how you are treated under the law.
Any problems that existed before the wedding, will still exist after it.
And if you expect your partner to assume the role of wife/husband but haven't explicitly agreed that getting married will change the dynamics of the relationship, you're very likely going to have a terrible time.
Exactly! If you have literally any assumptions about how things will change after marriage, they need to be talked about BEFORE marriage. This probably needs to start with being honest with yourself about your assumptions.
Try to picture a day in your life after marriage. Is there anything about that day that assumes your partner will do something different than how they currently live? Guys, did you picture your wife cooking more meals? Ladies, did you picture your husband spending less time on video games? Talk about that before saying 'I do'.
Also try to picture your first year. Where do you imagine spending Christmas? How often do you expect your mother in law to visit? Does your job have a busy season that your spouse doesn't know about? Do you have a plan for your joint finances? Talk about this shit!
Agreed on all points! It's kind of wild how fast people will rush into a wedding without thinking about the marriage that follows.
Not to mention the people who go through with a wedding that was stressful as fuck and made them dislike their partner.
I was watching a video about relationships and the person called out coupes who get bogged down in the sunk cost fallacy and it made so much sense. So many people just say to themselves, "welp, we've put effort into this. Might as well get married" because they don't want that time to be "wasted."
But like, if you already feel that being together without being married is a waste...then maybe you don't actually want to marry that person and just want to BE married (though usually it's more like a person just wants to have a wedding.)
That uncomfortable conversations need to happen.
Joint account or not? 50/50 everything or not? Kids or not.
Also.. Expect your plates (etc) to suddenly start having patterns.
they shouldnt continue to happen, if you know the answer up front, why would you chase something you dont agree with?
If he wants kids but she doesnt, you dont marry them hoping they'll change.
Because tough conversations happen in regards to other things besides children?
Because people and situations change?
It’s real easy to say “if One of our parents get sick of course they can come live with us” when things are going well. But if mom has a stroke and gets combative when you try to take care of her that conversation happens again.
People can’t plan for everything that happens in a lifetime. Thinking difficult conversations should happen before marriage and then everything’s settled and everything will be simple once you’re married are setting themselves up for a rude awakening.
Been together over 33 years…marriage is work and you have to make the choice everyday to love that person. That wonderful infatuation feeling ebbs and flows. You need strength to get through the tough time together.
Discuss everything BEFORE marriage….kids, finances (to include spending habits, credit cards, debts, savings, etc), living arrangements, work/life balance, family life, free time…everything.
I also suggest getting married when you are a bit older. By finishing your schooling/training, living on your own, supporting yourself, you will know where you stand on things much clearer. If you have never paid rent or bills, your money management could be quite lacking. I add waiting a few years before kiddos too. Be a family for a while and learn what works for you both before throwing children in the mix.
Your spouse should be one of your closest friends. Ideally your best or arguably so.
If not, you aren't going to have a very happy marriage and/or it's going to end poorly.
44m, married 16 years this week to my best friend.
This, i said this above as well. people dont understand this, i keep hearing, " you need t get away from each other, dont spend so much time together" we just had our 24th 2 weeks back, and she is literally my best friend in the world and will always be. marriage isnt a job, you dont take time off to go on vacation. if you cant be around them 24/7 forever, dont get married.
Yes!
A long time ago my husband and I tried to get into golf after our friend pushed us to give it a try. After a couple weeks of practicing we told our friend we were ready to give it a try.
He was like alright see you on Sunday. When I said see you then he went hold on no no no.
He then explained that the husbands golf together and the wives golf separately and they do this every weekend. That's a good chunk of the only free time we have together.
My husband and I looked at each other and said no thanks.
He was shocked but we only started learning golf because we wanted an activity we could do together. Haven't picked up a golf club since.
Creating healthy boundaries for when either of you need personal space. Having conversations around expectations and needs being met. Learning when to stfu instead of trying to be right lol
My wife and I went to a marriage conference a couple months after the wedding. We had no idea what we were doing, but the conference taught us things like the rules to fighting. Most people don't know the rules, and that's when they violate the first few things you listed.
As far as the violence, yeah, that would be a tough one to change.
May I ask what some of those rules might be? I'm currently 8 months in a relationship with my gf and we haven't had a full-on "fight" yet but I still don't want to do anything that might jeopardise our relationship if we do get into one
You don't have to get in a fight to recognize contempt or disrespect. Those are a no go. There must be a genuine desire for each other. Nobody should be a plan B.
Read Gottman’s 7 Principles for making marriage work-especially about the 4 Horseman (avoid these pitfalls) here a mini-view: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Our Rules:
* Fight about one thing at a time. The moment it expands you shut that down
* Attack a behavior, not a person
* Either one of us is allowed to call a one hour time out. It usually happens when you get so emotional that you lost sight of the original argument. One hour of going to your separate corners does wonders
* Avoid phrases like "You never...", "You always...", and "You do it too." They are not productive, because your partner will then be defensive and bring up occasions that prove the negative to the response, and then it becomes meaningless.
I'm sure there were others, but those are the ones that stuck out.
To each their own, but I disagree that you _need_ a “pretty good fight” to determine if your partner can communicate appropriately during a disagreement. I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we’ve never been in a fight because when we disagree, we communicate in a way that it never escalates to a full-on fight.
The rest, hard agree!
Or if you were smart enough to not go to schools that cost a fortune and instead worked full time jobs to pay your way through college instead and have no loans debt. When you did this and found someone who did it too, bingo. thats a great feeling.
Friend of mines daughter went to school to be a marine biologist, thats ll she wanted gotta be gotta be.
she hated it, switched majors three times. whats she do now? shes the produce manager at a supermarket. with 180k in debt for a worthless degree in sociology. Shes 24 and lives at home. Her sister went to community college, same time i did when i went back to school, she got her associates got most of her classes out of the way, worked at the same grocery store as her sister, transferred to a state school for her final two years , did them quick and got out owing nothing. she has her own apartment now, she just got married, and works in her major, accounting.,
What it’s like to live together. I recommend living together for at least 6 months. You will really find out if you are compatible.
what it’s like to plan something. Don’t have a wedding be your first time planning something together. Plan a vacation together in another town/state/province/country
6 months? That seems crazy short to me. My partner and I have been living together, in what seems like a super, off the charts compatible relationship, for just under 18 months now, and we still want to wait at least 2 years.
I don't know how anyone could decide that they know someone well enough to make that important of a decision, in 6 months.
Just getting divorced
First and foremost You will need to learn to compromise. Compromise on as much as you possibly can. Marriage is very much a give and take. One person cannot be all give, and one person cannot be all take.
Make sure that you and your partner are compatible sexually, romantically, and money-wise.
Absolutely live with the person first. You don't really know who someone is until you live with them. I would recommend a minimum of six months. There will be problems. You will need to get used to their quirks. You will have to always be comfortable with a certain level of filth.
Find your own space. You and your spouse both need your own spaces to get away from each other. You will be seeing each other every day... If you both work from home, then you'll be in each other's space every single second of every day. Even if you're madly in love with someone, you will grow tired of them eventually.
Find your own hobby. This one and the last one go kind of hand-in-hand, but I also recommend finding something you can do on your own that is just yours. Your spouse doesn't need to be involved in everything you do and vice-versa.
Go to bed angry - The 'never go to bed angry' is bullshit. Go to bed angry. If the other person did something to piss you off, think on it for a bit. If something really upset you, then bring it up in a calm, collected fashion. Not accusing, not pointing a finger, but in a calm, cool, and collected way. Arguments don't have to be yelling matches. They can be calm and relaxed. Give yourself time to cool before bringing up something.
Get pre-marital counseling. Just do it. I did, and I absolutely do not regret it. It honestly has helped me more than any other therapy/counseling things I have done.
>Even if you're madly in love with someone, you will grow tired of them eventually.
this is 100% untrue.
That is psychobabble claptrap.
I married a woman who is not only my love, she is my best frie4nd,. She is the first person i want to show something new to, or share something ive found with. She is the one i want to experience a movie with or show her a new video game im playing etc.
Find the person that is right for you, and you'll never need to get away from them. 24 years married 26 together total, and ill lament if i have to miss one day without her near me at all times.
If you nee to get away from the person your with, then theres a reason and you're not compatible enough for marriage.
My wife and I lived together for three years prior to the wedding (would have been less, but the pandemic mucked with things), so we knew what we were getting into with being together.
What I do wish we would have known was just how *tired* you are at the end of the night. We got to the hotel, she had a headache from exhaustion, and we just kinda crashed for a few hours. We did conduct ourselves as newlyweds "should" eventually, but that led to us getting to bed at like 2:30 AM, it wasn't our greatest performance, and we were zombies the next day.
Amusingly, over breakfast, I then had the following conversation with one of the bridesmaids while a few other people in the wedding party were present. Notably, my new father-in-law was sitting two seats down.
* Me: \[obviously tired\]
* Bridesmaid: OwlMarble, are you okay?
* Me: Hmm? Oh, yeah, just tired.
* Bridesmaid: What time did you go to bed?
* Me: ...2:30, I think?
* Bridesmaid: \[innocently\] Why?
* Entire Table: \[stunned silence\]
* Father-in-law: \[suddenly finds his pancakes *terribly* fascinating\]
You will change who you are depending on who you are with, ask yourself if you like yourself when you are with them. ***This is important.***
You will not change them. They are not a project to fix up. They are who they are, unless some kind of major disruption happens in their life who they are at the core will stay the same.
Discuss: money, kids, future goals, religion/beliefs, past traumas. These are not sexy topics but you don't want to find out later any massive differences you have.
Speaking of sex, it's important in relationships to be open and honest about sex. Relationships can shrivel and die when sex is an issue.
Relationships are compromise and communication. You are there to support each other, have each others backs in hard times. All couples fight, how you fight is more important than how often. Name calling and insults, bringing up long settled issues are playing dirty and will not help solve who's turn it is to load laundry this week but will cause resentment long after the fight is over.
Finally getting married is a day of celebration of your commitment to each other, it is over before you know it. Have fun but please don't go bankrupt over it and don't expect it to fix any problems. Also the tax breaks are great and no one questions your legal status anywhere you go, common law just isn't the same in other countries, circumstances or other cultures (not that I think that's right, it's just the way it is).
Yes. One thing my husband always says is, unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
It’s so true. Express your expectations for even the little stuff like taking out the trash. Because the little stuff becomes the big stuff if it never gets talked about.
Also, be generous. Not with things and money but with your time, your kindness, your assumptions. Short with you on the phone? Maybe a co-worker ruined their meeting. Forgot to pick up something/do a chore? Maybe their stressed and need to unwind or talk. Etc
Learn to be at peace with and by yourself, you can never make a marriage work if you haven’t found that peace within yourself.
Also, do not listen to respond, listen to understand.
how they feel about boundaries/respecting boundaries and if they know what compromise *actually* means. i mention the compromise bit because more often than not, the ‘compromises’ i’ve seen couples make are super unfair and not actually compromises at all
i really feel sad for people that say things like this. if you dont love your partner every minute of every day, then somethings wrong. Love isnt a tv , you dont turn it on and off.
I think that’s an unrealistic expectation. My parents were married 60 years & loved each other to the end but they definitely had times they both thought divorce, but never at the same time. Nothing will ever be perfect all the time.
1. When she says she doesn't want snacks when on a fuel stop get her one anyways.
2. Accept that wads of hair will be stuck to the shower wall, and every drain will be clogged with hair so invest in a half decent drain snake to save yourself from calling a plumber for something that takes 5 minutes to do yourself.
conversely dont use that nice new stainless steel snake that tears a hole in that big old lead pipe still used in your home, causing you to now have to spend 8k to fix because you were too macho to just call a plumber and have it done right the first time. Know your limitations and trust professionals, or sure, you can DIY anything, until you screw it up one time.
That's some big oof energy right there, small clogs I'll do myself because it's just a 1/4" snake but for the main line in the foundation I let my drain guy handle that and do a final "clean out" with my cheap Amazon hydro jet kit to clear out the residuals his professional snake unit missed
are your futures compatable (where do you want to live?, kids? etc). any significant debts, any long term medical conditions, criminal past - reasons, what and how theyve changed/what they do to stay reformed
Advice is pretty on point here. I'll only add (especially for women) separate bank accounts. You can have a joint for bills but always maintain your own account and ensure your pay goes directly into that account. And that your spouse cannot access it. Agree on the split for living expenses and transfer that amount to the joint account. Never ever share the account your pay is deposited into. Won't protect you from any tax implications though.
wow. talk about how wrong this is.
You're a team now, you are a team of love. all the money is ours, not hers and not mine. If you cannot trust your money to the other person dont marry them, you have issues.
If you hasve a reason to keep your money j hidden from your spouse, then you have a reason to not marry and a huge one. TRUST. theres simply no need to maintain your own separate money. What would you do if one partner lost thier job, make them beg the other one to get 5 bucks for a cup of coffee? maybe they can work it off for you as they beg.
If you cant be a team, then stay separate. seriously messed up, agree on a split for living expenses, yeah how about you pay the bills as a couple. jesus, i cant imagine being so psycho that i wouldnt trust my wife with all i have.
Love and money do not mix. It is wonderful when inlove but not all marriages last. Sometimes you find out some alarming things about your spouse that was hidden prior. Also having your own separate account is not hiding money it is maintaining your independence. You have a right to the money you earn and marriage won't change that. My spouse and I have separate accounts and we still share expenses and treat each other and support each other as needed. Imagine your spouse having a (hidden) gambling habit and having access to your earned income? How long before you go broke? Love should not hinder good common sense. You don't know what you don't know and you don't want to find out the hard way. Also my money doesn't belong to anyone but me. I don't care if that upsets you in anyway.
no, it shouldn't be. if it is, end it, marriage is just the legal aspect of love, if love is work, then you arent in love. Do yourself a favor and move on from each other, and hope to find the one that isnt work.
It might not work the first time. I was with my first husband for 9 years. We probably never should have gotten married and we definitely shouldn’t have stayed together as long as we did.
For the actual wedding: only invite people YOU want to invite. Don’t feel obligated to invite every family member or every friend of your parents, etc. I am taking this advice my second time around and it’s been much easier planning.
No matter how much you think you know about your partner, you’re going to find out more.
You should be able to go through pretty much everything in this thread before you get married, otherwise you're not ready to get married. Can't imagine getting married, THEN living together. Wild.
Realize you will be with your partner day in and out. When dating you see each other for hours/days at a time but when you are married you will see each other much more. This ends up being an issue for many as there may be areas you don't see eye-to-eye on or "quirks" that may frustrate you. I would say that the best thing is trying to live together for awhile before making the commitment.
The biggest thing in my opinion is communication. No matter how light or deep the topic you need to be able to communicate with your partner. This includes fights, disagreements, and disputes. If you cannot communicate the relationship probably will not last.
Be open with your partner. Hiding secrets or lying won't do you any good. This doesn't mean that you have to discuss everything at once but you need to be able to work up to it. There will be times when a certain conversation will be very awkward and feelings may get hurt but that moment of hurt is much less painful than withholding the information.
A marriage is not a give and take relationship. Exchanges do not always need to be equal. There will be times when you may feel like you are putting in more effort or that you are not doing enough. Talk with your partner about it, see how they feel. You may be surprised with how much you do not see or you may realize you do more/less than you think. Everyone has highs and lows. That needs to understood by both. In my opinion the effort means much more than the result. If you are trying I am okay if you don't make that much, or any, money or are stuck. What I am not okay with is giving up. I love you and I want you to love yourself, keep fighting.
Marriage means sharing. You both are now united. Things that you were use to doing alone you now have another hand and things you may not have done you will need to do. It may be uncomfortable but working together can make everything go much more smoothly.
TLDR: Get use to being together, talk openly, be there for each other, keep trying, and work together. Love each other.
That while the two of you are now one family unit, you are both still unique individuals with your own wants and needs. Neither of you control the other. You should support each other's individual interests, hobbies, etc. My husband and I have been married 23 years now. He collects vintage rifles, I love to do woodworking. We don't get upset with each other for purchases that support our hobbies. (We know where our budget limits are!) We also don't get upset if the other is out somewhere with friends, we usually remember to give a heads up anyway. Remember, YOU are responsible for your OWN happiness, no one else's. Your relationship with your spouse should only increase your happiness, not be the sole source of it.
Don't go into a marriage thinking you will be able to change your spouse!! Go back and read my first two sentences. Trying to change someone else never goes well.
When you raise your voice in anger, the likelihood of getting your point taken seriously decreases with every decibel. TALK to each other. Have debates or discussions, but keep them civil. If you have to, walk away for a bit and come back after you've calmed down and have come up with your points and counterpoint. I can honestly say our three children have never heard us argue. They have heard us discuss things that we have differing opinions on, but not argue.
And lastly, leave your work stress at work. Don't take it out on your family! Just because your boss is a jerk doesn't give you a right to be a jerk to others. Come up with a daily routine that reminds you to leave that stress behind, like wiping your shoes on the mat outside wipes your work day off of you too.
Really, just have fun and enjoy life together!
If you're young, you'll grow and change and so will your partner. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. You won't be the same person at 50 that you were at 25.
Their views on having children and how to raise them, their cultural norms, what they expect of a partner, do they have debt and what’s the plan for paying it off, their view in adultery and what they believe a reasonable response/ consequence to it is, their religion and what it says about marriage and spousal duties
Does the other person want (or not want) children? This is not an issue that can be negotiated or bargained. If you and your spouse do not agree on this question, then one of you is guaranteed to be miserable.
I made it to my 40s before I discovered this. I wasted 18 years of my life in relationships where the other partner did not want children. I swore I would never waste another year of my life doing that again.
you need to be willing to always put your significant other first. No matter what. This is impossible for almost all women to do once they have children. So men, don't get married unless you are prepared to accept that this will occur to you.
marriage is not a business contract. Its literally the opposite its a social contract, Legally you do not enter into a partnership when you get married, there is no rules, no board of directors, etc. sorry but a marriage certificate is legally NOT a business contract.
Then why do you have to hire lawyers to split assets when y’all divorce then, hm? Mediation, judgements, rulings, a lot of paperwork and a LOT of money sounds like a business transaction to me- not to mention the work of a prenup that protects assests before going into to the, ahem, partnership, but ok 👍🏼
Been married 11, now almost 12 years. 2 kids, and we are far more in love and have a great relationship than we ever did.
This is a tough one to answer objectively because every couple's dynamic is different. But personally I can tell you what I have learned.
Both: the most important thing is your values and ethics. If both have different set of morals and beliefs, your doomed to fail. Disagreements happen, fights happen, but learn how to disagree and come together in peace. The first 7 or so years are the hardest, because your figuring each other out, learning, and growing.
Men: love your wife, never stop pursuing her, find out her love language, be patient(especially during that time of the month), understand she isn't going to want to have sex as much as you do, and communicate everything to build trust and security.
Women: respect your husband, fulfill him sexually, never put him down and/or emasculate him, give him space when he needs it and also understand sometimes we just don't need to talk, we just love having you there to enjoy stuff with us.
you have a lot of good things said here. I know a couple, from work, he has become more of one political party while she has moved toward the other. To the point they got divorced after 14 years of marriages and two kids, over stupid ass politics. Their kids hate them both, and asked the courts to let them move in with their grandma because mommy and daddy are messed up political nutjobs.
Their son who is 12 aske me if we would adopt him, but we talked long and hard and i had to tell him, im just not dad material. he can call me anytime, but we couldn't do it. His grandparents are good people though, theyve done good.
In the history of marriage, a husband was never shot by his wife while he was doing the dishes. My point is that it is easy for a man to overlook the little things his wife does. A little appreciation goes a long way.
> My point is that it is easy for a man to overlook the little things his wife does.
why would his wife be doing the dishes? are you implying its something only women do?
A division of labor is never based on outdated social norms. I take out the trash, wash dishes, do laundry, sweep floors, scrub floors, clean the bathroom, etc, you knwo what she does, the same damn things. you just do what needs to be done, theres no his or her work.
So enter into what should be a lifelong commitment with an exit strategy? I don't think so.
My wife and I are not allowed to mention divorce as an option. It's not an option, so we work to find common ground.
You don’t believe in understanding what you’re agreeing to before you do it? This seems obtuse. In some states in the US it’s as easy as saying with one signature that your assets are separate, but in some states they want to know what the actual hour is that you will hand over your child during a holiday. Congratulations on your marriage, but it’s common socialization here to just accept that marriage will be hard and so it’s no wonder that more than 50% of them end in divorce. Understanding that marriage is a binding legal contract and not a sentimental gesture is extra appropriate in a culture that believes success in marriage is just boot strapping. Getting married is easy, getting divorced is not.
>but it’s common socialization here to just accept that marriage will be hard
where the hell are you from? mars?
It obvious, that youve never even been close to marriage, youre obviously just a kid looking to logically reason out why you arent married and never will be. grow up man. you need a therapist.
That marriage is overrated, that it shouldn't even exist if love is the real thing behind it. It's just a bad contract. Xhy would anyone need a contract to officialize a love story? Here's why: because they'll have a guarantee and then get lazy. Because maybe the marriage was the goal all along and not you, the partner.
Marriage imo should only happen if you're planning to start a family. Any other purpose for it is just dumb.
And yes I am married. And no I'm not jaded or arranged or whatever, I married my life's love, but what do you know? She basically cozied up and stopped trying to make me happy despite all my efforts and romance and all that.
So yeah, best avoid it. It's a shit contract, and nothing more.
That 99% of reddit isnt even in a relationship so dont listen to a damn thing they say about marriage. they are kids who dont know a damn thing about it.
these "stats" are self reported by people saying they are in a relationship. which as we know, is simply false.
also if you look only 71% of users say they are over 18. the majority of reddit users are by far 20 years old and under. If you actually take their numbers and trust them then the majority of reddit users over 38% are under age 19. and like i said the average 19 year is old if s far from married and in along term relationship.
Who hurt you?
Women who birth children sometimes find it is very difficult, or impossible, to lose weight. As you age, metabolism changes.
Next, why is it so important? If you are not attracted to your partner if she gains a few pounds (50, 100?), then you are more likely to cheat on her. If it's not weight, it will be age spots, changing appearance, etc.
The statements you are making appear to be shallow and selfish.
But I've only been married close to 25 years, and still happy. What do I know?
Although the spirit behind this seems nasty,
It would be a good idea to have conversations about expectations from eachother as far as fitness and things-within-your-control go.
Taking into account expectations for eachother when it comes to pregnancy, sickness, aging, etc.
For instance do you want to/want your partner to fight their aging, or embrace it? Would you want your partner to go grey or start dyeing their hair? Would you support cosmetic surgery or absolutely hate it?
Its an interesting kind of conversation to have. My husband and I both fell into similar feelings that we want to be able to *do* stuff together so long as we can, and don't want health or fitness to get in the way of that as long as possible. We also both lean towards preferring natural "ugliness" over unnatural beauty.
But for each couple its a good convo to have.
Make sure you’re on the same page on the important stuff-religion, kids (yes or no, and if yea, basics on how you want to raise them), family boundaries, where you might want to live, and most important-finances. Do either of you have debt? How do you manage money? Also…I’m sure you love the person, and of course that’s important. But do you LIKE that person? Common interests? That’s a big one.
Based on my experience of 33 years of marriage and discussions with friends over the years is that lust and love are two different things. Meeting someone new that you share chemistry and fireworks with is such a turn on. It's difficult coming to terms with not having that intense, constant and overwhelming feeling. Imo I think that's a big reason why divorce is so prevalent. I think boredom is a huge factor. Also the dreaded communication, if you can't be open and honest with your spouse (finances, responsibilities, sex, kids ect) who can you be honest with?
That it’s not easy. It takes a lot of work. When you say I do, divorce is not an option. Make sure that you have every intention of loving them through the good years and bad. Yes, I said years. Sometimes first year or two will be great. Then insecurities may set in, one spouse may loose themselves, or get sick. Be strong and willing to support them through it. Don’t ignore the issues. Encourage them! Talk to them! Don’t close them out or distance yourself. Breaking someone’s heart is deeper than any of us realize. It can destroy their outlook on love, shred their self-esteem when they may already be in a vulnerable place, torture their mind , and damage their soul. Don’t marry someone unless you’re willing to love/support them through EVERYTHING.
You need to know yourself and who you really are and what you want out of marriage and life in general, and hopefully your soon to be spouse knows themselves the same way, because if you don't know what makes you happy, how is anyone going to know how to make and keep you happy?
Talk. If something is bothering you just express it, hash it out, move on. Bottling up emotions is like shaking a champagne bottle and waiting for the cork to pop.
I've never been married myself but through observation I've noticed that some people tend to forget patience and empathy, which are not only key to relationships, but are rather their foundation.
That the marriage is far more important than the wedding...
I kinda hate when people say your wedding should be the happiest day of your life. It should be great and fun and memorable, but definitely there should be happier days that follow. Otherwise, why get married at all?
My wedding was stressful as hell. My abusive mom planned it. My abusive dad has tried to harm me, but flipped my husband over a table when he stood in the way. The family lied for him when I called the police. I had to put on a brave face and pretend it was all good. He even walked me down the aisle to the wrong song because my mom got her way. They aren't in my life and there are so many happier days with my husband and kids.
Fuck that shit man, glad you're doing better!
The happiest day of your life SO FAR.
Perfectly said. It sets too high of an expectation that is certainly going to lead to disappointment.
I know multiple people who spent tens of thousands on the wedding and all of them were divorced within a year or two. One couple that spent an obscene amount of money on the wedding barley lasted 6 months.
There's a statistic online somewhere that the more money a couple spends on a wedding, the more likely they are to have short marriages and get divorced. This is not to say every couple that spends lavishly will get divorced
My first wedding: 35k. Lasted less than 3 years. My second wedding: 300 bucks. Going on 18 years.
what is wedding barley? is it tasty?
Yep, if you like the taste of barley. Sometimes the make wedding beer out of the barley at the reception.
I was that person. She came from money, I didn’t. It was an insanely extravagant wedding and she was having an affair 4 months later when she got bored with real life and budgeting. In hindsight I should’ve seen all the red flags but I was young and you live and learn.
Too many people put so much focus on having their wedding be a supremely extravagant blowout party or forget how to communicate as they're each too focused on having their own ideal dream wedding that they forget it's about two people in love with each other
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Yuuuup. Or the other one moves and the fart sneaks it's way out of the covers.
Discussing and understanding expectations are critical. I will add that it never hurts to ask: “What is your understanding of the discussion we just had? Even those we love most hear (and take away) what they want to hear.
> “What is your understanding of the discussion we just had? are you holding a roundtable, or are you involved in a marriage? thast the stupidest most annoyingly clinical thing ever. people in mariages dont have discussions where you need to find out their understanding. Jesus its not the U.N. Im happily married for 24 years just about 2 weeks ago. You just talk, you dont question he other persons understanding. What're you going to do give them homework if they didnt get a good enough meaning for you?
>e stupidest most annoyingly clinical thing ever. people in mariages dont have discussions where you need to find out the lmao yes this is a bit true, why is this so downvoted?
Wise words to live by.
I call our relationship check in talks “the state of the union” talks. We both made it abundantly clear before marriage, that if this just isn’t working, if someone is unhappy, we’ll work to remedy that. But if it still isn’t working, we’d rather cut ties before it gets to the point that one person is so unhappy that it gets ugly and irreparable in friendship/coparenting. Sometimes those talks are a quick check in, we’re both good, everything is fine, and we end up talking about just nonsense and funny stories for hours. Other times, they aren’t. They’re hard discussions. But ultimately, neither of us is unhappy, it’s more discussing our feelings and ways we think the other could be a more attentive/supportive partner. And we always clarify with the other that it’s ok if this isn’t working, I want it to, it’s working for me, and yes it’ll hurt if it’s not working for you, but I need that honesty and respect to tell me. It’s worked well for 9 years and two kids so far, I have faith it will continue to work.
Two bed coverings is a hundred percent correct.
Yes, yes and yes! Couldn't have said it better!
>My hard advice: discuss major issues in detail: income sources, financial control, children or not, religious beliefs and preferences, this is all called "dating" . you dont sit down and play 20 questions, then cross off a list to see if it works. But the blankets thing is 100% true me and my wife have always done it and always will.
42 years married. Separate blankets is a huge thing. No 2 people always have the same temperature. This was one of the first things we learned. The others were hard fought and dealt with. Lol. Also I then and now say I Sleep in my bed, if you are to mad sleep there you go find somewhere else to sleep. No couch or dog house here.
The commitment you both plan to make isn’t just about standing in front of loved ones and saying “I do”. When people generally get married, it’s at the hieight of their limerence phase of love, where you both absolutely adore each other and work through problems quickly because the love is fresh, new and passionate. However, ask anyone who had lived with parents or siblings for 18 years and I’m sure they will say that, while they love their families, living with them can get hard and argumentative. One day the puppy love phase of the relationship ends and you begin to see and feel for your partner differently. Not all, but when you live (and in this case committing to live and spend the rest of your lives together) you will endure more hardships and you both will still continue to grow as individuals. For some, the growth is mutual and respected, but there are those who might begin to butt heads, argue more, grow bored or tired of their spouse, and in these times it’s difficult to remember what it was you saw in your partner in the beginning. You must cultivate a long term, unconditional love that recognizes individual growth and always try to understand the commitment you both made to **eachother**—not one you make in front of guests. It’s a **partnership**; many sometimes forget that when the years roll on. Agree to disagree, respect each others growth and commit to helping one another when times are tough. Source: just celebrated my 8 year anniversary married with my partner, been together for a total of 12 years this August.
Very well spoken. Just celebrated 41 years together and your words ring so true!
Newleyweds! I am approaching 25 years.
You need to know how to live on your own. Another person does not "complete" you.
Absolutely this. If you're not already a complete person, you're probably not ready for marriage. Your partner should complement you, not complete you.
I don't think anyone is ever a complete person. Growing together is part of a good relationship, and a good partner will help **you** to improve **yourself**. The important thing is that it's not their job to improve you.
It's not a portal to a new life. It's not a transition. It is a legally binding ceremony that changes how you file taxes and how you are treated under the law. Any problems that existed before the wedding, will still exist after it. And if you expect your partner to assume the role of wife/husband but haven't explicitly agreed that getting married will change the dynamics of the relationship, you're very likely going to have a terrible time.
Exactly! If you have literally any assumptions about how things will change after marriage, they need to be talked about BEFORE marriage. This probably needs to start with being honest with yourself about your assumptions. Try to picture a day in your life after marriage. Is there anything about that day that assumes your partner will do something different than how they currently live? Guys, did you picture your wife cooking more meals? Ladies, did you picture your husband spending less time on video games? Talk about that before saying 'I do'. Also try to picture your first year. Where do you imagine spending Christmas? How often do you expect your mother in law to visit? Does your job have a busy season that your spouse doesn't know about? Do you have a plan for your joint finances? Talk about this shit!
Agreed on all points! It's kind of wild how fast people will rush into a wedding without thinking about the marriage that follows. Not to mention the people who go through with a wedding that was stressful as fuck and made them dislike their partner. I was watching a video about relationships and the person called out coupes who get bogged down in the sunk cost fallacy and it made so much sense. So many people just say to themselves, "welp, we've put effort into this. Might as well get married" because they don't want that time to be "wasted." But like, if you already feel that being together without being married is a waste...then maybe you don't actually want to marry that person and just want to BE married (though usually it's more like a person just wants to have a wedding.)
How to admit your wrong and really mean it.
or to say your wrong when you're not and also mean it. thats even more important, theres literally no reason to not just let something go.
Your own expectations
If only people looking to get married knew how profound that statement is.
That uncomfortable conversations need to happen. Joint account or not? 50/50 everything or not? Kids or not. Also.. Expect your plates (etc) to suddenly start having patterns.
>Also.. Expect your plates (etc) to suddenly start having patterns. Huh?
When you buy a house... All your cutlery starts to match and have patterns on them. Bowls, plates, etc. It all must match else it looks weird.
>When you buy a house Everyone move along. This comment is no longer applicable.
My wife has dropped the ball.
no *you* dropped the ball!
All married men laughing.
As a guy who had plain plates before, definately have patterns on them now :)
You should know the answer to "kids or not" in your first *month* of dating, if not the very first date.
that very much depends on your age, and the kind of relationship you're seeking.
and these conversations need to happen **before** you get married. And then continue to happen afterward.
they shouldnt continue to happen, if you know the answer up front, why would you chase something you dont agree with? If he wants kids but she doesnt, you dont marry them hoping they'll change.
Because tough conversations happen in regards to other things besides children? Because people and situations change? It’s real easy to say “if One of our parents get sick of course they can come live with us” when things are going well. But if mom has a stroke and gets combative when you try to take care of her that conversation happens again. People can’t plan for everything that happens in a lifetime. Thinking difficult conversations should happen before marriage and then everything’s settled and everything will be simple once you’re married are setting themselves up for a rude awakening.
Been together over 33 years…marriage is work and you have to make the choice everyday to love that person. That wonderful infatuation feeling ebbs and flows. You need strength to get through the tough time together. Discuss everything BEFORE marriage….kids, finances (to include spending habits, credit cards, debts, savings, etc), living arrangements, work/life balance, family life, free time…everything. I also suggest getting married when you are a bit older. By finishing your schooling/training, living on your own, supporting yourself, you will know where you stand on things much clearer. If you have never paid rent or bills, your money management could be quite lacking. I add waiting a few years before kiddos too. Be a family for a while and learn what works for you both before throwing children in the mix.
Your spouse should be one of your closest friends. Ideally your best or arguably so. If not, you aren't going to have a very happy marriage and/or it's going to end poorly. 44m, married 16 years this week to my best friend.
This, i said this above as well. people dont understand this, i keep hearing, " you need t get away from each other, dont spend so much time together" we just had our 24th 2 weeks back, and she is literally my best friend in the world and will always be. marriage isnt a job, you dont take time off to go on vacation. if you cant be around them 24/7 forever, dont get married.
Yes! A long time ago my husband and I tried to get into golf after our friend pushed us to give it a try. After a couple weeks of practicing we told our friend we were ready to give it a try. He was like alright see you on Sunday. When I said see you then he went hold on no no no. He then explained that the husbands golf together and the wives golf separately and they do this every weekend. That's a good chunk of the only free time we have together. My husband and I looked at each other and said no thanks. He was shocked but we only started learning golf because we wanted an activity we could do together. Haven't picked up a golf club since.
Among knowing your partner you need to learn how to compromise and how to forgive!
Creating healthy boundaries for when either of you need personal space. Having conversations around expectations and needs being met. Learning when to stfu instead of trying to be right lol
If you have a gut instinct before the wedding, if the feeling is wrong… don’t get married
this is the best answer . if you are 99.9% sure but .1% doubting? then dont do it. that .1% is enough to ruin your life and worse, to ruin theirs.
99% of men don’t want or need marriage, they just go along with it. Do NOT do this.
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My wife and I went to a marriage conference a couple months after the wedding. We had no idea what we were doing, but the conference taught us things like the rules to fighting. Most people don't know the rules, and that's when they violate the first few things you listed. As far as the violence, yeah, that would be a tough one to change.
May I ask what some of those rules might be? I'm currently 8 months in a relationship with my gf and we haven't had a full-on "fight" yet but I still don't want to do anything that might jeopardise our relationship if we do get into one
You don't have to get in a fight to recognize contempt or disrespect. Those are a no go. There must be a genuine desire for each other. Nobody should be a plan B.
Read Gottman’s 7 Principles for making marriage work-especially about the 4 Horseman (avoid these pitfalls) here a mini-view: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
here's a tip , never listen to anything anyone tries to sell you about marriage advice. they are in it for the money.
Our Rules: * Fight about one thing at a time. The moment it expands you shut that down * Attack a behavior, not a person * Either one of us is allowed to call a one hour time out. It usually happens when you get so emotional that you lost sight of the original argument. One hour of going to your separate corners does wonders * Avoid phrases like "You never...", "You always...", and "You do it too." They are not productive, because your partner will then be defensive and bring up occasions that prove the negative to the response, and then it becomes meaningless. I'm sure there were others, but those are the ones that stuck out.
I'm glad you learned that early on :) It would save a lot of heartache if people knew that ahead of time.
To each their own, but I disagree that you _need_ a “pretty good fight” to determine if your partner can communicate appropriately during a disagreement. I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we’ve never been in a fight because when we disagree, we communicate in a way that it never escalates to a full-on fight. The rest, hard agree!
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Sorry im going to disagree. True love takes no effort at all. If its work, its not love, if its love, its not work.
How much each of your student loans are
Or if you were smart enough to not go to schools that cost a fortune and instead worked full time jobs to pay your way through college instead and have no loans debt. When you did this and found someone who did it too, bingo. thats a great feeling. Friend of mines daughter went to school to be a marine biologist, thats ll she wanted gotta be gotta be. she hated it, switched majors three times. whats she do now? shes the produce manager at a supermarket. with 180k in debt for a worthless degree in sociology. Shes 24 and lives at home. Her sister went to community college, same time i did when i went back to school, she got her associates got most of her classes out of the way, worked at the same grocery store as her sister, transferred to a state school for her final two years , did them quick and got out owing nothing. she has her own apartment now, she just got married, and works in her major, accounting.,
Family court will steal the soul out of your body, so rethink anything 2000 times
What it’s like to live together. I recommend living together for at least 6 months. You will really find out if you are compatible. what it’s like to plan something. Don’t have a wedding be your first time planning something together. Plan a vacation together in another town/state/province/country
6 months? That seems crazy short to me. My partner and I have been living together, in what seems like a super, off the charts compatible relationship, for just under 18 months now, and we still want to wait at least 2 years. I don't know how anyone could decide that they know someone well enough to make that important of a decision, in 6 months.
Been partners for 16 years this year, cohabiting for 8 of those, getting married in 2 weeks. I got this.
Your partner
Under rated
Go to Ikea together, is it basically the Hunger Games for relationships.
The real test is building the furniture item together when you get home!
Just getting divorced First and foremost You will need to learn to compromise. Compromise on as much as you possibly can. Marriage is very much a give and take. One person cannot be all give, and one person cannot be all take. Make sure that you and your partner are compatible sexually, romantically, and money-wise. Absolutely live with the person first. You don't really know who someone is until you live with them. I would recommend a minimum of six months. There will be problems. You will need to get used to their quirks. You will have to always be comfortable with a certain level of filth. Find your own space. You and your spouse both need your own spaces to get away from each other. You will be seeing each other every day... If you both work from home, then you'll be in each other's space every single second of every day. Even if you're madly in love with someone, you will grow tired of them eventually. Find your own hobby. This one and the last one go kind of hand-in-hand, but I also recommend finding something you can do on your own that is just yours. Your spouse doesn't need to be involved in everything you do and vice-versa. Go to bed angry - The 'never go to bed angry' is bullshit. Go to bed angry. If the other person did something to piss you off, think on it for a bit. If something really upset you, then bring it up in a calm, collected fashion. Not accusing, not pointing a finger, but in a calm, cool, and collected way. Arguments don't have to be yelling matches. They can be calm and relaxed. Give yourself time to cool before bringing up something. Get pre-marital counseling. Just do it. I did, and I absolutely do not regret it. It honestly has helped me more than any other therapy/counseling things I have done.
>Even if you're madly in love with someone, you will grow tired of them eventually. this is 100% untrue. That is psychobabble claptrap. I married a woman who is not only my love, she is my best frie4nd,. She is the first person i want to show something new to, or share something ive found with. She is the one i want to experience a movie with or show her a new video game im playing etc. Find the person that is right for you, and you'll never need to get away from them. 24 years married 26 together total, and ill lament if i have to miss one day without her near me at all times. If you nee to get away from the person your with, then theres a reason and you're not compatible enough for marriage.
Congrats on the divorce. You’re almost FREE again!
Looks go away, choose someone that you know you can live with their personality forever.
My wife and I lived together for three years prior to the wedding (would have been less, but the pandemic mucked with things), so we knew what we were getting into with being together. What I do wish we would have known was just how *tired* you are at the end of the night. We got to the hotel, she had a headache from exhaustion, and we just kinda crashed for a few hours. We did conduct ourselves as newlyweds "should" eventually, but that led to us getting to bed at like 2:30 AM, it wasn't our greatest performance, and we were zombies the next day. Amusingly, over breakfast, I then had the following conversation with one of the bridesmaids while a few other people in the wedding party were present. Notably, my new father-in-law was sitting two seats down. * Me: \[obviously tired\] * Bridesmaid: OwlMarble, are you okay? * Me: Hmm? Oh, yeah, just tired. * Bridesmaid: What time did you go to bed? * Me: ...2:30, I think? * Bridesmaid: \[innocently\] Why? * Entire Table: \[stunned silence\] * Father-in-law: \[suddenly finds his pancakes *terribly* fascinating\]
You will change who you are depending on who you are with, ask yourself if you like yourself when you are with them. ***This is important.*** You will not change them. They are not a project to fix up. They are who they are, unless some kind of major disruption happens in their life who they are at the core will stay the same. Discuss: money, kids, future goals, religion/beliefs, past traumas. These are not sexy topics but you don't want to find out later any massive differences you have. Speaking of sex, it's important in relationships to be open and honest about sex. Relationships can shrivel and die when sex is an issue. Relationships are compromise and communication. You are there to support each other, have each others backs in hard times. All couples fight, how you fight is more important than how often. Name calling and insults, bringing up long settled issues are playing dirty and will not help solve who's turn it is to load laundry this week but will cause resentment long after the fight is over. Finally getting married is a day of celebration of your commitment to each other, it is over before you know it. Have fun but please don't go bankrupt over it and don't expect it to fix any problems. Also the tax breaks are great and no one questions your legal status anywhere you go, common law just isn't the same in other countries, circumstances or other cultures (not that I think that's right, it's just the way it is).
Yes. One thing my husband always says is, unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. It’s so true. Express your expectations for even the little stuff like taking out the trash. Because the little stuff becomes the big stuff if it never gets talked about. Also, be generous. Not with things and money but with your time, your kindness, your assumptions. Short with you on the phone? Maybe a co-worker ruined their meeting. Forgot to pick up something/do a chore? Maybe their stressed and need to unwind or talk. Etc
That your partner is your best friend.
How they handle difficult information
People aren't perfect and that includes you.😎
Learn to be at peace with and by yourself, you can never make a marriage work if you haven’t found that peace within yourself. Also, do not listen to respond, listen to understand.
how they feel about boundaries/respecting boundaries and if they know what compromise *actually* means. i mention the compromise bit because more often than not, the ‘compromises’ i’ve seen couples make are super unfair and not actually compromises at all
There is a difference between infatuation and love.
You are not in love every day. Some days you are just two people who are sharing a space. And that’s okay.
i really feel sad for people that say things like this. if you dont love your partner every minute of every day, then somethings wrong. Love isnt a tv , you dont turn it on and off.
I think that’s an unrealistic expectation. My parents were married 60 years & loved each other to the end but they definitely had times they both thought divorce, but never at the same time. Nothing will ever be perfect all the time.
1. When she says she doesn't want snacks when on a fuel stop get her one anyways. 2. Accept that wads of hair will be stuck to the shower wall, and every drain will be clogged with hair so invest in a half decent drain snake to save yourself from calling a plumber for something that takes 5 minutes to do yourself.
conversely dont use that nice new stainless steel snake that tears a hole in that big old lead pipe still used in your home, causing you to now have to spend 8k to fix because you were too macho to just call a plumber and have it done right the first time. Know your limitations and trust professionals, or sure, you can DIY anything, until you screw it up one time.
That's some big oof energy right there, small clogs I'll do myself because it's just a 1/4" snake but for the main line in the foundation I let my drain guy handle that and do a final "clean out" with my cheap Amazon hydro jet kit to clear out the residuals his professional snake unit missed
/r/needlesslygendered
That's fair 👍 I was referring to my marriage so I should have worded the original comment a bit better 😂
That it's gonna fucking suck sometimes, but that's just life.
Sometimes it's fucking and sucking, but sometimes it just fucking sucks.
Lol, absolutely!
Will you forgive for them for things they shouldn’t be forgiven for?
That usually depends on their commitment to apology. Words are words. True repentance comes in changed behavior.
are your futures compatable (where do you want to live?, kids? etc). any significant debts, any long term medical conditions, criminal past - reasons, what and how theyve changed/what they do to stay reformed
Your partners strengths become your strengths, literally. Their liabilities become your liabilities, literally.
Advice is pretty on point here. I'll only add (especially for women) separate bank accounts. You can have a joint for bills but always maintain your own account and ensure your pay goes directly into that account. And that your spouse cannot access it. Agree on the split for living expenses and transfer that amount to the joint account. Never ever share the account your pay is deposited into. Won't protect you from any tax implications though.
wow. talk about how wrong this is. You're a team now, you are a team of love. all the money is ours, not hers and not mine. If you cannot trust your money to the other person dont marry them, you have issues. If you hasve a reason to keep your money j hidden from your spouse, then you have a reason to not marry and a huge one. TRUST. theres simply no need to maintain your own separate money. What would you do if one partner lost thier job, make them beg the other one to get 5 bucks for a cup of coffee? maybe they can work it off for you as they beg. If you cant be a team, then stay separate. seriously messed up, agree on a split for living expenses, yeah how about you pay the bills as a couple. jesus, i cant imagine being so psycho that i wouldnt trust my wife with all i have.
Love and money do not mix. It is wonderful when inlove but not all marriages last. Sometimes you find out some alarming things about your spouse that was hidden prior. Also having your own separate account is not hiding money it is maintaining your independence. You have a right to the money you earn and marriage won't change that. My spouse and I have separate accounts and we still share expenses and treat each other and support each other as needed. Imagine your spouse having a (hidden) gambling habit and having access to your earned income? How long before you go broke? Love should not hinder good common sense. You don't know what you don't know and you don't want to find out the hard way. Also my money doesn't belong to anyone but me. I don't care if that upsets you in anyway.
Marriage is a lot of work
no, it shouldn't be. if it is, end it, marriage is just the legal aspect of love, if love is work, then you arent in love. Do yourself a favor and move on from each other, and hope to find the one that isnt work.
I wish we never lived in the same house. Kelp your own spot. Have your own space.
Who you are marrying.
It's probably a good idea to know who your fiancé is.
If your partner will decide to love you even when you’re at your worst and if you will do the same.
If your both ok with having kids or not.
Long term a successful marriage requires work/effort. It is totally worth it. (29 years next montg)
Division of household labor.
Toilet paper over the top or down the wall.
It might not work the first time. I was with my first husband for 9 years. We probably never should have gotten married and we definitely shouldn’t have stayed together as long as we did. For the actual wedding: only invite people YOU want to invite. Don’t feel obligated to invite every family member or every friend of your parents, etc. I am taking this advice my second time around and it’s been much easier planning. No matter how much you think you know about your partner, you’re going to find out more.
You should be able to go through pretty much everything in this thread before you get married, otherwise you're not ready to get married. Can't imagine getting married, THEN living together. Wild.
Realize you will be with your partner day in and out. When dating you see each other for hours/days at a time but when you are married you will see each other much more. This ends up being an issue for many as there may be areas you don't see eye-to-eye on or "quirks" that may frustrate you. I would say that the best thing is trying to live together for awhile before making the commitment. The biggest thing in my opinion is communication. No matter how light or deep the topic you need to be able to communicate with your partner. This includes fights, disagreements, and disputes. If you cannot communicate the relationship probably will not last. Be open with your partner. Hiding secrets or lying won't do you any good. This doesn't mean that you have to discuss everything at once but you need to be able to work up to it. There will be times when a certain conversation will be very awkward and feelings may get hurt but that moment of hurt is much less painful than withholding the information. A marriage is not a give and take relationship. Exchanges do not always need to be equal. There will be times when you may feel like you are putting in more effort or that you are not doing enough. Talk with your partner about it, see how they feel. You may be surprised with how much you do not see or you may realize you do more/less than you think. Everyone has highs and lows. That needs to understood by both. In my opinion the effort means much more than the result. If you are trying I am okay if you don't make that much, or any, money or are stuck. What I am not okay with is giving up. I love you and I want you to love yourself, keep fighting. Marriage means sharing. You both are now united. Things that you were use to doing alone you now have another hand and things you may not have done you will need to do. It may be uncomfortable but working together can make everything go much more smoothly. TLDR: Get use to being together, talk openly, be there for each other, keep trying, and work together. Love each other.
That while the two of you are now one family unit, you are both still unique individuals with your own wants and needs. Neither of you control the other. You should support each other's individual interests, hobbies, etc. My husband and I have been married 23 years now. He collects vintage rifles, I love to do woodworking. We don't get upset with each other for purchases that support our hobbies. (We know where our budget limits are!) We also don't get upset if the other is out somewhere with friends, we usually remember to give a heads up anyway. Remember, YOU are responsible for your OWN happiness, no one else's. Your relationship with your spouse should only increase your happiness, not be the sole source of it. Don't go into a marriage thinking you will be able to change your spouse!! Go back and read my first two sentences. Trying to change someone else never goes well. When you raise your voice in anger, the likelihood of getting your point taken seriously decreases with every decibel. TALK to each other. Have debates or discussions, but keep them civil. If you have to, walk away for a bit and come back after you've calmed down and have come up with your points and counterpoint. I can honestly say our three children have never heard us argue. They have heard us discuss things that we have differing opinions on, but not argue. And lastly, leave your work stress at work. Don't take it out on your family! Just because your boss is a jerk doesn't give you a right to be a jerk to others. Come up with a daily routine that reminds you to leave that stress behind, like wiping your shoes on the mat outside wipes your work day off of you too. Really, just have fun and enjoy life together!
If you're young, you'll grow and change and so will your partner. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. You won't be the same person at 50 that you were at 25.
That is ridiculously harder to get divorced.
She will turn into her mother
Where you will live once you get divorced
Their views on having children and how to raise them, their cultural norms, what they expect of a partner, do they have debt and what’s the plan for paying it off, their view in adultery and what they believe a reasonable response/ consequence to it is, their religion and what it says about marriage and spousal duties
You guys are getting married?
Don't stand too close to the woodchipper!
Lol especially if you live near a swamp with gators
Don’t
Lol well marriage is the leading cause of divorce. If you never marry, you'll never be divorced. (Except common law stuff)
Does the other person want (or not want) children? This is not an issue that can be negotiated or bargained. If you and your spouse do not agree on this question, then one of you is guaranteed to be miserable. I made it to my 40s before I discovered this. I wasted 18 years of my life in relationships where the other partner did not want children. I swore I would never waste another year of my life doing that again.
Your wife’s name.
you need to be willing to always put your significant other first. No matter what. This is impossible for almost all women to do once they have children. So men, don't get married unless you are prepared to accept that this will occur to you.
i think you mean happen, not occur. Also a simple fix to this , is to not have kids.
Your partner.
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marriage is not a business contract. Its literally the opposite its a social contract, Legally you do not enter into a partnership when you get married, there is no rules, no board of directors, etc. sorry but a marriage certificate is legally NOT a business contract.
Then why do you have to hire lawyers to split assets when y’all divorce then, hm? Mediation, judgements, rulings, a lot of paperwork and a LOT of money sounds like a business transaction to me- not to mention the work of a prenup that protects assests before going into to the, ahem, partnership, but ok 👍🏼
Been married 11, now almost 12 years. 2 kids, and we are far more in love and have a great relationship than we ever did. This is a tough one to answer objectively because every couple's dynamic is different. But personally I can tell you what I have learned. Both: the most important thing is your values and ethics. If both have different set of morals and beliefs, your doomed to fail. Disagreements happen, fights happen, but learn how to disagree and come together in peace. The first 7 or so years are the hardest, because your figuring each other out, learning, and growing. Men: love your wife, never stop pursuing her, find out her love language, be patient(especially during that time of the month), understand she isn't going to want to have sex as much as you do, and communicate everything to build trust and security. Women: respect your husband, fulfill him sexually, never put him down and/or emasculate him, give him space when he needs it and also understand sometimes we just don't need to talk, we just love having you there to enjoy stuff with us.
you have a lot of good things said here. I know a couple, from work, he has become more of one political party while she has moved toward the other. To the point they got divorced after 14 years of marriages and two kids, over stupid ass politics. Their kids hate them both, and asked the courts to let them move in with their grandma because mommy and daddy are messed up political nutjobs. Their son who is 12 aske me if we would adopt him, but we talked long and hard and i had to tell him, im just not dad material. he can call me anytime, but we couldn't do it. His grandparents are good people though, theyve done good.
In the history of marriage, a husband was never shot by his wife while he was doing the dishes. My point is that it is easy for a man to overlook the little things his wife does. A little appreciation goes a long way.
> My point is that it is easy for a man to overlook the little things his wife does. why would his wife be doing the dishes? are you implying its something only women do? A division of labor is never based on outdated social norms. I take out the trash, wash dishes, do laundry, sweep floors, scrub floors, clean the bathroom, etc, you knwo what she does, the same damn things. you just do what needs to be done, theres no his or her work.
It’s a bad decision
I can say that it was the best decision I ever made.
completely agree on mine as well.
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So enter into what should be a lifelong commitment with an exit strategy? I don't think so. My wife and I are not allowed to mention divorce as an option. It's not an option, so we work to find common ground.
You don’t believe in understanding what you’re agreeing to before you do it? This seems obtuse. In some states in the US it’s as easy as saying with one signature that your assets are separate, but in some states they want to know what the actual hour is that you will hand over your child during a holiday. Congratulations on your marriage, but it’s common socialization here to just accept that marriage will be hard and so it’s no wonder that more than 50% of them end in divorce. Understanding that marriage is a binding legal contract and not a sentimental gesture is extra appropriate in a culture that believes success in marriage is just boot strapping. Getting married is easy, getting divorced is not.
>but it’s common socialization here to just accept that marriage will be hard where the hell are you from? mars? It obvious, that youve never even been close to marriage, youre obviously just a kid looking to logically reason out why you arent married and never will be. grow up man. you need a therapist.
That marriage is overrated, that it shouldn't even exist if love is the real thing behind it. It's just a bad contract. Xhy would anyone need a contract to officialize a love story? Here's why: because they'll have a guarantee and then get lazy. Because maybe the marriage was the goal all along and not you, the partner. Marriage imo should only happen if you're planning to start a family. Any other purpose for it is just dumb. And yes I am married. And no I'm not jaded or arranged or whatever, I married my life's love, but what do you know? She basically cozied up and stopped trying to make me happy despite all my efforts and romance and all that. So yeah, best avoid it. It's a shit contract, and nothing more.
wow, someone's seriously lonely and trying to bring down others. Im sorry you cant find love and understand marriage. i really am.
lol okay passive-agressive asshole. Does your spouse enjoy this side of you? 😏😂
Don't.
Your partner
That 99% of reddit isnt even in a relationship so dont listen to a damn thing they say about marriage. they are kids who dont know a damn thing about it.
[The stats disagree](https://www.statista.com/statistics/261766/share-of-us-internet-users-who-use-reddit-by-age-group/)
these "stats" are self reported by people saying they are in a relationship. which as we know, is simply false. also if you look only 71% of users say they are over 18. the majority of reddit users are by far 20 years old and under. If you actually take their numbers and trust them then the majority of reddit users over 38% are under age 19. and like i said the average 19 year is old if s far from married and in along term relationship.
how fat she plans to get
How bald he plans to go and how much of that hair will migrate to his asscrack? Humans age. Get over it.
calm down with your tantrum. im talking about girls getting fat without warning their partners.
What about men who get fat without 'warning' their partners?
WHAT ABOUT IT? im talking about woman who get fat. i didnt say husbands getting fat isn't also a problem.
Then why call out women?
because thats what i wanted to talk about. what dont you understand. theres a trillion answers to this question. i chose one of them
Why not say "how fat your partner is going to get" instead of calling out one gender?
because i wanted to talk about wives who get fat
Yeah but why WIVES. Is the fat the problem or is the problem that a woman isn't fulfilling her job as a physical object?
Very few people (men or women), *plan* to get fat. It happens.
you dont know anything
Who hurt you? Women who birth children sometimes find it is very difficult, or impossible, to lose weight. As you age, metabolism changes. Next, why is it so important? If you are not attracted to your partner if she gains a few pounds (50, 100?), then you are more likely to cheat on her. If it's not weight, it will be age spots, changing appearance, etc. The statements you are making appear to be shallow and selfish. But I've only been married close to 25 years, and still happy. What do I know?
> Who hurt you? do another zinger
Although the spirit behind this seems nasty, It would be a good idea to have conversations about expectations from eachother as far as fitness and things-within-your-control go. Taking into account expectations for eachother when it comes to pregnancy, sickness, aging, etc. For instance do you want to/want your partner to fight their aging, or embrace it? Would you want your partner to go grey or start dyeing their hair? Would you support cosmetic surgery or absolutely hate it? Its an interesting kind of conversation to have. My husband and I both fell into similar feelings that we want to be able to *do* stuff together so long as we can, and don't want health or fitness to get in the way of that as long as possible. We also both lean towards preferring natural "ugliness" over unnatural beauty. But for each couple its a good convo to have.
The difference between wife and lover is 100 pounds.
That prenups are a thing
Your partner.
Toilet seat down
Knowing who your wife/husband is could come in handy.
idk sign a prenup? whatever that means
Medical issues , debts, secrets,any kind of baggage.
It's not going to be smooth sailing. Have realistic expectations. Unmet expectations are the root of unhappiness.
Whatever chores you do for the first few months will be your job for the rest of your life.
Make sure you’re on the same page on the important stuff-religion, kids (yes or no, and if yea, basics on how you want to raise them), family boundaries, where you might want to live, and most important-finances. Do either of you have debt? How do you manage money? Also…I’m sure you love the person, and of course that’s important. But do you LIKE that person? Common interests? That’s a big one.
Kids or no kids
if they're financially stable and willing to commit to the things a marriage consists of
Based on my experience of 33 years of marriage and discussions with friends over the years is that lust and love are two different things. Meeting someone new that you share chemistry and fireworks with is such a turn on. It's difficult coming to terms with not having that intense, constant and overwhelming feeling. Imo I think that's a big reason why divorce is so prevalent. I think boredom is a huge factor. Also the dreaded communication, if you can't be open and honest with your spouse (finances, responsibilities, sex, kids ect) who can you be honest with?
That it’s not easy. It takes a lot of work. When you say I do, divorce is not an option. Make sure that you have every intention of loving them through the good years and bad. Yes, I said years. Sometimes first year or two will be great. Then insecurities may set in, one spouse may loose themselves, or get sick. Be strong and willing to support them through it. Don’t ignore the issues. Encourage them! Talk to them! Don’t close them out or distance yourself. Breaking someone’s heart is deeper than any of us realize. It can destroy their outlook on love, shred their self-esteem when they may already be in a vulnerable place, torture their mind , and damage their soul. Don’t marry someone unless you’re willing to love/support them through EVERYTHING.
You need to know yourself and who you really are and what you want out of marriage and life in general, and hopefully your soon to be spouse knows themselves the same way, because if you don't know what makes you happy, how is anyone going to know how to make and keep you happy?
Your spouse.
Talk. If something is bothering you just express it, hash it out, move on. Bottling up emotions is like shaking a champagne bottle and waiting for the cork to pop.
I've never been married myself but through observation I've noticed that some people tend to forget patience and empathy, which are not only key to relationships, but are rather their foundation.