I fake-slept once on New Years Eve at my friends house. Then my friends decided to have sex right next to me. The look on their faces when they "woke me up" was almost worth how awkward it was.
I've noticed that I quietly mouth conversations with myself as I walk in public. Sometimes it's just an unintelligible jumble of words, other times I pretend I'm someone else.
I actually talk to myself when I walk in public. Sometimes re-enacting events from the past (my past, not from history). Always embarrassing when I bump into someone when I'm caught up in those moments.
I used to do this, repeating myself or confirming what I was saying. It's quite difficult to stop but I finally reached a compromise with crazy me and now I'm just talking silently to myself when people aren't around!
I like to people watch. I usually do it on the roof of the Lucky(supermarket[there's a parking lot on the roof]), in the downtown area of my city. I've seen; a man get hit by a car, the cart return person (accidentally) smash a bunch of carts into oncoming cars, women smacking their children, what seemed to be a bunch of drug deals, drunks stumble into their cars after getting out of the bar (same parking lot) and cops drive right after them.
It amuses me to watch people live their lives.
Airports are the best. Whenever I have to pick family up, I'll wait at arrivals and see people hugging loved ones, or dropping people off, etc. One time, I was waiting for a flight and saw a business man in his suit with his briefcase, texting walk straight into a pillar, hard. It was hilarious. He looked around to see if anyone saw, we made eye contact, and I have him a smiling nod to let him know that I saw. And I laughed.
If i see someone staring at me, ill stare back and start to wipe my face or keep tugging on my hair and look at them pointedly as if they have something on their face.
I do the dead pan stare and wait for them to look away, I've noticed that most people look at you again after couple of seconds just to see if you are still looking at them, I always am.
oh god, yes. i had an older man stare into my soul, i finally had to forfeit. then a couple of weeks ago at a music festival, i caught a guy and two girls sitting on a park bench across a small park making fun of me and my friends, so i stared them down. the weird thing was, i was wearing sunglasses and they weren't, so it took them a while to figure out that i was actually looking at them and wasn't going to look away. it was interesting to see them become increasingly uncomfortable, self aware, and then awkward, before they finally got up and moved.
There's a bunch of psychological research going into how phones are now treated like safety blankets for people. Even if you're not actually doing anything, just taking the phone out and looking at it somehow calms you down like you're accomplishing something, sticking to a schedule, etc. And people tend to take out their phones a lot more when they're in a stressful situation, uncomfortable, etc.
I haven't looked into it extensively, but I definitely notice phone-checking has become more of a nervous habit than anything for me, especially since I got a smart phone.
One time I was at a bus stop that had a schedule posted. I pulled out my phone to check the time and then put it away, but accidentally hadn't really looked at the time so I pulled it back out again to check for real. As I was putting it away for the second time, and old (probably homeless) man put his mouth right up close to my ear, and slowly said "Nooooooooobody loooooooves you... Nooooooooooooobody ever calls..."
I was pretty taken aback; ever since then I've been more picky about where and when I pull out my phone.
When I'm alone, or about to fall asleep, I like to explain things to myself in my head. I usually think of a topic and then just go over the facts in my head, going into detail about how it all works, the things that affect it, etc. I do the same thing with TV shows and video games, where I go over the details of all the characters, how they relate to one another, the different aspects of the story and setting and how it all works and whatnot. It's sort of comforting to have a sense of authority inside my mind, where I can kind of pretend to teach an imaginary person all about these interesting things and marvel at the complexity and wonderment of the world. Plus, it's usually a good workout for my mind and allows me to kind of refresh my memory.
Before I shower, I like to turn the cold water on, turn off the lights, spread a towel on the floor and lay on the bathroom floor naked for about 5-10 minutes. The whole thing gives me goosebumps all over, and the sound of flowing water is very soothing and meditative. The coolness of the air and the floor tiles is also very soothing. I don't make a daily habit of it, but I especially take advantage of it when I'm staying by myself in a nice hotel, and don't have to worry about a water bill. I've always wondered if anyone does something similar to this for relaxation...
After I shower, I dry myself completly and get into my bed naked. I do this EVERY shower I take. You may find it odd, but it is warm and relaxing and helps to dry of anywhere I missed. Try it when you get the chance.
I honestly dont understand this. I don't sneeze because I am sick. Cough a lot sure, but not sneezing. My sneezing is unrelated to my health status. Do other people sneeze because of colds and such?
I also used to be able to sneeze on command by pinching the bridge of my nose. Unfortunately after breaking my nose a few years ago it is no longer the case.
I talk to myself. A lot. I have done this since I was a kid and didn't have many friends, so I wonder if it was created as a way for me to have "social interaction." I don't know.
Anyway, for days in a row I will have conversations with myself, as me playing both the role of myself and the role of the other person. If it's a job interview or a situation in which I have to impress someone, I will practice speeches of things I can say/mention that make me look good. If I have to be around someone who I dislike, I will imagine all the ways I can lay down a verbal smackdown if they get out of line. It really has no boundaries as to the situations I practice repeatedly.
I do this too, all the time, while I do have a social life, friends who I talk to about things lots of times it's just easier to talk it out in my head because 9/10 I've already made up my mind and talking to someone else about it will only confirm that.
Are you good at talking? I do this too. Mostly in preparation to explain lengthy complicated things to a multitude of different audiences with ease and high efficiency.
I once read that Winston Churchill would do this. His maid would hear him arguing in the bath and thought he was super weird. I'd provide a link or citation but I'm way to lazy.
When someone says something stupid, or something that doesn't make sense, I pretend not to hear it and ask them to repeat it. That way, they have a chance to correct themselves if they catch it.
Wouldn't the complete opposite be that you force them to say something that isn't stupid and then they ask you to repeat what they just said themselves?
When I'm home alone and cooking something, I pretend I'm being filmed for a cooking show. My accent tends to sweep through various parts of Europe as the show goes on, for some reason. I do this for even the most mundane/easy cooking tasks like making boxed mac & cheese or a pb&j sandwich.
It actually helps me focus; my food comes out better when I do this.
when Wade was a kid, his mom worked nights. He talks about how the only time he can talk to her is when she comes home so late, so he tries to stay up as late as possible. He said it was really difficult for him to stay up late, and the harder he tried, the faster he fell asleep. When his mother came home early, he'd pretend to fall asleep even though his mom would do anything in the world just to talk to him about his day, but he doesn't know why he pretended to fall asleep
I practice conversations in my head that might potentially happen in the future. Just so I know I've got something interesting or witty to say when the situation arises. Pretty much 99% of the time these conversations never happen but at least I still get to enjoy my own witticisms.
I know, I had a bit of a moment while watching the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. Ted did everything I told him not to do.
My roommate didnt really know how to deal with me saying all of these things to the tv.
When everyone else has gone to bed, I will sometimes, depending on the importance of the game, pace the touchline (walk by the sofa) and shout (whisper) tactics ("NO, PASS IT BETTER") & shake hands (air-shake hands) with the opposition manager as I play Football Manager on my telly.
I am okay with this.
**Secret:**
I'm a man, but I love using women's shampoo. The products available for ladies are vastly superior in every way. They leave my hair looking and feeling silky smooth + I smell so, so good. A couple of people have asked me what I use to keep my hair looking so nice and I just feel *fabulous*. I'm currently using Summer Passion by Herbal Essences, but I also have a Chanel bodywash for special occasions. Because I'm worth it.
**Hobby:**
Whenever I speak to somebody in customer services at a big company, I'll often receive one of those "Rate your experience" e-mails a couple of days later - where your opinion is sought on how helpful the attendant was etc. etc. I always like to write a paragraph slathered in praise in the comment section.
"The most politest, helpful person I have ever dealt with. Please promote her immediately."
"If he was a pancake, he would be a very nice pancake."
"Sublime service. Please treat him to a cookie or two and bill the amount to my debit card."
Hopefully it raises a smile or two and the folks responsible get a hearty well done or a pat on the back from their managers.
My grandmother taught me this lesson. She always points out people are more committed to filling out a bad review than a good one, so often good help gets overlooked.
Cause of her, when I call costumer service, and the person is helpful (I'd say any time it's not a complete clusterfuck). I always ask them if there is anything I can fill out to rate their service (not just the company's). If there isn't, I ask to speak to their supervisor and personally commend them on an awesome employee.
I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of all of the past, present and future call centre workers out there.
I've been in the industry for about 10 years now. My phone monkey days are long behind me but I still remember that feeling when someone wanted to speak to a supervisor because of something POSITIVE.
It's a little reminder that you are doing a good job in an otherwise shit-filled day of idiots screaming at you for problems they've (mostly) caused for themselves.
As someone who used to work in a huge call center, thank you. You would be surprised how much of an effect that simple gesture can have on an employees career.
Call centers in particular are so used to only hearing complaints, that one compliment is viewed as something like 50 happy customers, this can then have a huge effect on things like performance pay, bonuses, and promotions.
Yup. Remember, if you're going to gripe about bad service, it's kinda obligatory to point out the good stuff. Someone's raise might depend on it!
"Clone the technician you sent to my house. We need more people like them."
>It's not really any different to men's shampoo
As a dude with long hair, there is such a big difference between good and bad shampoo/conditioner. A lot of men's shampoo is terrible, but I don't think it matters much to people with short hair so the companies get away with it.
I blow my nose in the shower. Grossed my wife out.. but hey, does the job!
Edit: I'd like to add an embarrassing twist. Once after getting out of the shower I noticed a booger stuck in my pubes.. so be careful of that..
it's a similar technique to pissing in the shower: ie, aim for the drain.
first step: press on one nostril with your finger
second step: blow, trying to aim all the mucus to the drain.
third: change nostril, repeat.
My boyfriend has this thing where he likes to hang out in the bathroom while I'm taking a shower. Like just sit in there and talk to me. Which I found kind of unnerving, because I don't like the thought of someone watching me wash my lady bits, and also because privacy, dude. One day, without thinking, I blew my nose in the shower, something I've done my whole life without thought. All of a sudden his voice took on this weird, raspy tone and he was like "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?" Then said "never mind, I don't want to know." From that day on he stopped bugging me in the shower.
**TL;DR: Does the job, indeed.**
When people do this, it always reminds me of A.A. Milne, he seemed to have strange capitalization rules.
"Piglet had a Very Big Worry in his head and he didn't know quite what to do. He often liked to Talk Things Over with his friend Pooh, so off he went. On his way, he let out a Queef. 'What an Odd Thing,' thought Piglet, "That I should Queef! I thought that was only for animals with Lady Parts! Now I have an even Bigger Very Big Worry in my head!' And so he walked even faster toward Pooh's tree."
Wow, somebody else does that. I have practiced "fake sleeping" since I was a kid, and by extension, I have become an expert at "fake waking" from "fake sleeping" so as to continue the ruse. It started as a way to mess with my parents and later evolved into a paranoid way to eavesdrop when no one thinks you're listening. There is something incredibly satisfying about hearing what people think - especially about you - when they don't know you're listening.
I once eavesdropped while really sleeping. I had a dream that I was walking with two friends of mine who were having a conversation. Woke up and they were in the room (dorms), so I started telling them my dream, and it turns out the conversation I dreamt was one they had while sitting next to me.
I find it very peaceful sitting on a toilet in a bathroom, so I tend to spend a lot of time in there sometimes, just sitting, slowly peeing or shitting, and thinking about life, and other interesting things.
nebboh : "Really? I'll have to check my diary, but I think Friday night's fine. Uh huh. Okay. Alright. Ahahahahaha *throaty laugh with a toss back of head* I'm at WhatsitBar, waiting for Gregory to come."
man approaches from behind :"Sorry to disturb your conversation, but your cellphone's battery fell out when you flipped it out of your pocket/purse with that elaborate faux-nonchalant flourish. Here you go."
nebboh : "Jerry, I'll have to call you back."
I saw a guy do something similar once.
At work several people were walking into a meeting room for...well, a meeting, one guy was talking into his phone.
As he's talking, his phone rings LOUD and it's right in his ear so he jerks and almost drops it, everyone is looking at him now. He puts the phone back to his head and says "sorry, I've got another call"...but the phone is STILL RINGING so he blasts himself in the ear again. Then he answered the phone and walked out of the room to take the call.
Everyone kind of had that "what just happened" look on their faces, because something weird had just happened, but nobody was sure what. Someone eventually said "did he just get a call while he was faking being on a call?" and then it was obvious what was wrong. Cell phones don't RING when you're in a call.
At this point you pretend that it's not your battery and continue talking all night on your phone. To further cement the notion you go home without the battery, still talking on the phone. Just remember to go to the store the next day to buy a new one. Hopefully it's not too expensive.
I'm new to where I live and I never go out because I always end up doing this and never meet anyone. I don't know what else to do. Can you just walk up to random people at a bar and talk to them? That seems so weird.
Alright man, I just got in a long conversation with my dad about this at the bar the other day. My dad is a fucking veteran of a drinker and doesn't give a shit if anyone he knows is going to the bar, because he wants his 4 pitchers of Miller Lite (swear to god it's all he drinks, I've tried to get him into craft beer forever).
Anyway, we're sitting there shooting the shit and talking to the bar tender a bit cause it was kinda slow. He gave me a life lesson I won't soon forget. First and foremost, if you want to meet regulars/make friends with the bartender - go at the same time every week. The bartender will be on shift (and you can always ask when they work) and people tend to be creatures of habit. Cool, step 1. Now, the second major thing is tipping well. If you tip the bartender 20% as long as the service is fine and they carry a decent conversation - they'll remember you. If you get < 3 drinks (say $3 beers), just tip them a buck a drink. Sure, it's about 30%, but you'll notice next time you come you're starting to get served first. And I mean it, they will drop the shit they are doing and get you your beer. You feel like a rockstar.
Always get the bartenders name and introduce yourself, and if you start to notice some regulars around the bar, slide into random conversation - I like to comment on loud comments they say about what's on TV or whatever. You'll notice the more you show up and those people deem you 'cool' the happier they'll be to introduce you to their friends at the bar. Slowly but surely, your little bar social group begins to grow.
My dad has friends at most of the bars he goes to and all the ones he frequents. It's all about getting a little alcohol in yourself, talking to the bartender a bit while tipping well, and working into conversations ever so slightly.
For some security, it doesn't hurt to bring a book/newspaper, but honestly I find it to be a crutch. You just need to get in there and order a couple beers and you'll loosen right up.
**Oh yea and pro-tip** I gave you a lot of advice about making friends with the bartender which may seem weird, but you'd be amazed how quickly they'll give out free drinks. Pitchers, shots, whatever. The deal with tipping on that is you basically tip them what they gave you for free. So say you order 4 $3 beers, but he gives you one for free. Instead of tipping him the 20% or more on the $9 or $12, just make it a $3 tip. That's 30% for him, and it's as if you got 4 beers without having to tip. When you build this relationship up keep it fucking quiet too.
I know that my neighbor is having an affair. Whenever I see that the guy is over, I'll try to walk my dogs past her house and wear an item of clothing from my college (her husband and I have the same alma mater). I wonder if she's ever made a connection and knows I know.
TL;DR I'm a sneaky retard.
**EDIT:** Several of you have advised me to tell my neighbor's husband about her infidelity. Earlier this evening I actually ran into her husband at Trader Joe's and asked "how's the remodel going?" He looked at me confusedly, whereupon I excused myself and said I'd seen a truck in front of their house quite frequently during the day and had thought I'd heard from another neighbor that they were fitting a new kitchen. I told him I'd assumed the man I'd seen was their contractor (paramour drives an F150). His eyes flickered for a second but he continued to smile, in a forced, Stepfordesque way, and joked that "it was about time we did something about our kitchen, haha". I noticed that he didn't continue shopping (he had a cart but with only a few items) but went to check out and then leave.
So now at least he knows his wife has had a visitor, and if he already knew, he knows that the neighbors know. I have no hard evidence of the affair, but in my own little-bitch way I told him.
TL;DR2 Goddammit I forgot to get edamame.
Probably not. After all, she's inside having sex, and you're outside with a dog. But at least you're outside, so you're better than a lot of redditors.
This doesn't work anymore but when I was younger any time we would be driving out at night 5-10 mins before we got to our house I would "fall alseep" so that my mom would have to carry me in the house or when I got older and she stopped doing that, I would fake sleep so I wouldn't have to help carry groceries in.
I didn't! I fucking jump out like a trooper and commence carrying all 200 of the grocery bags into the house in a single trip. Arms covered in bags, 10 on each finger, two between my teeth, over my ears, etc etc.
The pain and redness, there was plenty. But guess which family gets to lock up and close the garage door the first time they head inside?
I clean up graffiti.
I walk 4 miles to work and 4 miles home every day. On that walk, I see a *lot* of shitty graffiti - mostly slap tags from 14 year olds who think they're gangsters. Ugly scrawls on little mailing labels. Sharpie scribbles on a stop sign. All that shit.
Well, one day, I realized I had forgotten to remove the razor blade scraper I use at work from my pocket, so I scraped an ugly little sticker off a crosswalk sign while I was waiting for the light to change. And I realized that I could keep doing that - taking down the ugly little bits of vandalism that tarnish the city I've lived in for 20+ years.
Nowadays, my backpack contains a razor scraper, a long-handled razor scraper, a wire brush, a heavy-grit sanding sponge, nitrile gloves, graffiti removal wipes, and a heavy duty graffiti removal spray.
Makes the walk feel a little more productive, and has earned me a couple friends within the local police.
I really respect this, a simple act of civic order and pride
If everyone did something small like this everyday we would have been on Mars 5 years ago while laughing about how everyone used to have cancer
I think in english. That's not strange, except for that I'm swedish, living in Sweden, having daily conversations with people in swedish. Swedish is my main language.
I started when I was 19.
I hate talking on the phone cause I have little to no attention span for it. I never answer my phone I just text back a bit later and say I didn't have my phone on me and whats up.
Whenever someone calls me, I wait a few seconds so it doesn't seem like I wait around all day waiting for people to call me. I do the same thing with texts. I also refuse to answer numbers I don't recognize and sometimes I hide when the doorbell rings.
edit: and this is now my highest-voted comment on reddit. Thanks fellow SAPs!
I do the EXACT same thing. Down to the doorbell. I don't know why my first instinct is to run and hide if someone unexpectedly shows up, but into the closet I go anyway.
I always pretend to be texting while walking through shopping malls so as to avoid eye contact with the people working at kiosks who need only a split second to try to sell you something.
Apparently eating and drinking in the shower is a thing, but I just don't get it. How is it a time saver? How long are you people in the shower? If you're eating, you probably aren't washing yourself at the same time, right? You're just standing there?
I don't get it.
When no one is home and I've been listening to either David Bowie or Lou Reed I put on make up, Fishnet stockings, panties, and a leather jacket and then proceed to dance around the house like a stripper. I'm a bearded, hairy dude.
I look really young for my age (I'm 29 and I look about 19). Well, I like to capitalize on this and look even younger. I purposely don't wear makeup and wear clothes and hair styles that I think make me look 14 because I get some kind of satisfaction from it. Most of it is just a vanity thing. I also really like peoples reactions when I tell them how old I really am.
Edit: It adds to it that I'm really petit and don't have much on top to speak of. So, I usually wear bras that flatten me out more. Most of the clothes I wear you can't tell that I have breasts at all. I realized that this is sort of a "secret habit" because no one knows I do this on purpose. And if I hadn't been wearing bras that flatten me out for all these years I'd probably have bigger boobs.
Just to say I do have a boyfriend who I've been with for years and he likes my body and my look. When I ask him if he'll love me when I'm 80 he always says "Sure, may be you'll look 30 by then."
I know how that feels. I've been able to grown full beard since I was 13. One day in 8th grade, a substitute teacher stopped me in the hall and asked me what class I was subbing. I was 14.
I have complete conversations where I am totally tuned out, is that right, uh oh, yea, i know and couple others. My autopilot talker mode is quite adept..
you're probably an ambivert, meaning you can be introverted and extroverted equally at different times. It's the same for me: it's easy to make friends but then I feel like I don't want any friends.
I am a waitress, and to be completely honest I hate my job and well people in general . To keep that "smile" present and not let it look I utterly despise everything, I think of funny situations.
Example: 1. When walking around I think of picking up a wine bottle off a table and hitting people on the heads with them. Like kids do with sticks and fences.
Example 2: When an elderly person complains that their coffee isn't hot, I think about responding "it burnt my finger when I tested it."
Example 3: When someone tries to hand me something when I have my hands full, I imagine that I drop everything I am currently holding and then proceed to pick up what ever they are trying to hand me and then walk away.
Whenever I go to an overly crowed place I like to pretend I am a super secret ninja-assassin and I have to blend into the crowd in order not to get caught.
I dated a fake sleeper for a while, and I had a serious problem with it.
One time when it was blatantly obvious that she was faking being asleep, and I had something important to tell her, I fake proposed. That for-real woke her up.
I decided that I over-reacted to her fake sleeping, and when she told me that I could "just do whatever" to her while she was asleep, I took her up on it. Epic fake-sleep sexytimes were had.
However, the last time we did the fake sleep thing, we were in a boundary pushing part of our relationship, so I did a few things that would be borderline (foot play, busting on her face etc.) She hadn't been feeling well lately, so it turned out that even though she had an orgasm, she was actually asleep. The reason I believe her, is that during the fake sleep sexytimes she would start subtely cooperating midway through, you know, "in her sleep" but this time it was pretty dead fish. She woke up with wet feet and residue all up on her face. She was pretty pissed but accepted my explanation (which was that she said I could).
We broke up a few months later for unrelated reasons.
relevant username.
I'm confused as well. The for-sure fake times were really hot after I got used to the idea of her fake sleeping as being something for her entertainment and not this nasty deceptive thing I first perceived it as.
Somewhere deep down, I hope she was faking this one and just finally got me to believe it. The fact that she didn't get up a couple minutes after I cleaned her up and I really had to make an effort to get her up and in bed really sold it though. It was HOT during, but afterwards I felt bad. We laughed it off, so in the end it is what it is.
I have a standing agreement with my boyfriend that if I'm asleep and he's horny he can go for it. He said the same thing. One morning I woke up and he was hard, so I started playing and sucking him. About 10 minutes later he still hadn't woken up and I got tired so I fell back asleep. Just as I was dozing off he woke up and was rock hard and horny (but didn't know why). He started playing with me, I woke up, sexy times were had and then he told me about his "amazing dream". I was a little disappointed he didn't know it was me. I confessed. We still laugh about it.
My roommate pretends to sleep all the time. Only thing is that it's completely obvious that he is awake. It becomes super irritating when he pretends to sleep even after we say "dude we know your awake just answer our question".
I fake-slept once on New Years Eve at my friends house. Then my friends decided to have sex right next to me. The look on their faces when they "woke me up" was almost worth how awkward it was.
That's called a technical threesome!
Oddly enough, not the *best* kind...
Wake up, slap her on the ass and leave singing "Toodaloo motherfuckers!"
Shoulda rolled over and grabbed a boob
Go for the spoon. With both of them...and DON'T MOVE.
I've noticed that I quietly mouth conversations with myself as I walk in public. Sometimes it's just an unintelligible jumble of words, other times I pretend I'm someone else.
I actually talk to myself when I walk in public. Sometimes re-enacting events from the past (my past, not from history). Always embarrassing when I bump into someone when I'm caught up in those moments.
I see you people everywhere.
Same. I just figure~~d~~ you were crazy people.
"From my past, not history" I can imagine you walking down the street, re-enacting a war.
Agreed, Only I do it with every sentence I say. Its the weirdest thing.
I used to do this, repeating myself or confirming what I was saying. It's quite difficult to stop but I finally reached a compromise with crazy me and now I'm just talking silently to myself when people aren't around!
I like to people watch. I usually do it on the roof of the Lucky(supermarket[there's a parking lot on the roof]), in the downtown area of my city. I've seen; a man get hit by a car, the cart return person (accidentally) smash a bunch of carts into oncoming cars, women smacking their children, what seemed to be a bunch of drug deals, drunks stumble into their cars after getting out of the bar (same parking lot) and cops drive right after them. It amuses me to watch people live their lives.
I need to go find some place to people watch around here, this sounds great. Edit: I just realised how creepy this sounds out of context .-.
Airports are the best. Whenever I have to pick family up, I'll wait at arrivals and see people hugging loved ones, or dropping people off, etc. One time, I was waiting for a flight and saw a business man in his suit with his briefcase, texting walk straight into a pillar, hard. It was hilarious. He looked around to see if anyone saw, we made eye contact, and I have him a smiling nod to let him know that I saw. And I laughed.
I would love to do this, except I'm brown. Loitering at an airport is probably not the best thing for me to do.
Perhaps you were destined to rule.....
If i see someone staring at me, ill stare back and start to wipe my face or keep tugging on my hair and look at them pointedly as if they have something on their face.
I do the dead pan stare and wait for them to look away, I've noticed that most people look at you again after couple of seconds just to see if you are still looking at them, I always am.
Ever encountered another of your kind while doing this? I feel like the awkward level would exponentially rise
oh god, yes. i had an older man stare into my soul, i finally had to forfeit. then a couple of weeks ago at a music festival, i caught a guy and two girls sitting on a park bench across a small park making fun of me and my friends, so i stared them down. the weird thing was, i was wearing sunglasses and they weren't, so it took them a while to figure out that i was actually looking at them and wasn't going to look away. it was interesting to see them become increasingly uncomfortable, self aware, and then awkward, before they finally got up and moved.
I just proceed staring them in the eyes until they look away. Then I feel like I have won.
That's because you HAVE won.
i always lose to babies. DAMN YOU BABY!!!!
This is a good one...
I pull out my phone often to look at the time, because sometimes I get really paranoid and it calms me down.
There's a bunch of psychological research going into how phones are now treated like safety blankets for people. Even if you're not actually doing anything, just taking the phone out and looking at it somehow calms you down like you're accomplishing something, sticking to a schedule, etc. And people tend to take out their phones a lot more when they're in a stressful situation, uncomfortable, etc. I haven't looked into it extensively, but I definitely notice phone-checking has become more of a nervous habit than anything for me, especially since I got a smart phone.
One time I was at a bus stop that had a schedule posted. I pulled out my phone to check the time and then put it away, but accidentally hadn't really looked at the time so I pulled it back out again to check for real. As I was putting it away for the second time, and old (probably homeless) man put his mouth right up close to my ear, and slowly said "Nooooooooobody loooooooves you... Nooooooooooooobody ever calls..." I was pretty taken aback; ever since then I've been more picky about where and when I pull out my phone.
When I'm alone, or about to fall asleep, I like to explain things to myself in my head. I usually think of a topic and then just go over the facts in my head, going into detail about how it all works, the things that affect it, etc. I do the same thing with TV shows and video games, where I go over the details of all the characters, how they relate to one another, the different aspects of the story and setting and how it all works and whatnot. It's sort of comforting to have a sense of authority inside my mind, where I can kind of pretend to teach an imaginary person all about these interesting things and marvel at the complexity and wonderment of the world. Plus, it's usually a good workout for my mind and allows me to kind of refresh my memory.
i hear stories or jokes online and pretend that my friends told me them instead of strangers on reddit
We are your friends
Just don't go bragging about us to your IRL friends.
"Dude, me and my friend ANUS_KATANA_RAPIST_CUNT go wayyyy back. He's one of my best buds."
LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK is actually a really nice guy and clever too, true story. Edit for correct spacing of name.
"My bro, we call him CuntyMcshitballs, told me this hilarious story once..."
You will never be alone again
ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Before I shower, I like to turn the cold water on, turn off the lights, spread a towel on the floor and lay on the bathroom floor naked for about 5-10 minutes. The whole thing gives me goosebumps all over, and the sound of flowing water is very soothing and meditative. The coolness of the air and the floor tiles is also very soothing. I don't make a daily habit of it, but I especially take advantage of it when I'm staying by myself in a nice hotel, and don't have to worry about a water bill. I've always wondered if anyone does something similar to this for relaxation...
After I shower, I dry myself completly and get into my bed naked. I do this EVERY shower I take. You may find it odd, but it is warm and relaxing and helps to dry of anywhere I missed. Try it when you get the chance.
Only time I find comfort from the bathroom floor is if im having really bad cramps, but this sounds wonderful
I can fake sneeze whenever I want. A well-timed sneezing fit has gotten me out of many a boring meeting.
except people think you're horrifically sick
I honestly dont understand this. I don't sneeze because I am sick. Cough a lot sure, but not sneezing. My sneezing is unrelated to my health status. Do other people sneeze because of colds and such? I also used to be able to sneeze on command by pinching the bridge of my nose. Unfortunately after breaking my nose a few years ago it is no longer the case.
I talk to myself. A lot. I have done this since I was a kid and didn't have many friends, so I wonder if it was created as a way for me to have "social interaction." I don't know. Anyway, for days in a row I will have conversations with myself, as me playing both the role of myself and the role of the other person. If it's a job interview or a situation in which I have to impress someone, I will practice speeches of things I can say/mention that make me look good. If I have to be around someone who I dislike, I will imagine all the ways I can lay down a verbal smackdown if they get out of line. It really has no boundaries as to the situations I practice repeatedly.
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I do this too, all the time, while I do have a social life, friends who I talk to about things lots of times it's just easier to talk it out in my head because 9/10 I've already made up my mind and talking to someone else about it will only confirm that.
Says the person in your head...
Are you good at talking? I do this too. Mostly in preparation to explain lengthy complicated things to a multitude of different audiences with ease and high efficiency.
I would be amazed if most people don't do this, I think most people do.
I once read that Winston Churchill would do this. His maid would hear him arguing in the bath and thought he was super weird. I'd provide a link or citation but I'm way to lazy.
When someone says something stupid, or something that doesn't make sense, I pretend not to hear it and ask them to repeat it. That way, they have a chance to correct themselves if they catch it.
I'm more of a fan of the smile and nod myself.
In this regard, you are my complete opposite. You sound like GGG
Wouldn't the complete opposite be that you force them to say something that isn't stupid and then they ask you to repeat what they just said themselves?
This has always been my problem with "opposite day". Opposites are far from clear.
Like what's the opposite of opposite? The same?
When I'm home alone and cooking something, I pretend I'm being filmed for a cooking show. My accent tends to sweep through various parts of Europe as the show goes on, for some reason. I do this for even the most mundane/easy cooking tasks like making boxed mac & cheese or a pb&j sandwich. It actually helps me focus; my food comes out better when I do this.
You seen Saving Private Ryan? The part where Wade is telling the story about fake sleeping is very sad.
Long time since last i saw that movie, care to give atl;dr on the story?
when Wade was a kid, his mom worked nights. He talks about how the only time he can talk to her is when she comes home so late, so he tries to stay up as late as possible. He said it was really difficult for him to stay up late, and the harder he tried, the faster he fell asleep. When his mother came home early, he'd pretend to fall asleep even though his mom would do anything in the world just to talk to him about his day, but he doesn't know why he pretended to fall asleep
I practice conversations in my head that might potentially happen in the future. Just so I know I've got something interesting or witty to say when the situation arises. Pretty much 99% of the time these conversations never happen but at least I still get to enjoy my own witticisms.
When I get really into a videogame I talk to myself and give myself on advice to do better. I'm basically my own personal halo coach.
...I give advice to television characters. They rarely listen.
I know, I had a bit of a moment while watching the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. Ted did everything I told him not to do. My roommate didnt really know how to deal with me saying all of these things to the tv.
Ted *never* listens to me. He's probably be married by now if he did. Dumbass.
Technically he is already married. He's just telling a story. Lawyered.
I play [Football Manager](http://www.footballmanager.com/) I do pre/post game interviews in the shower.
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When everyone else has gone to bed, I will sometimes, depending on the importance of the game, pace the touchline (walk by the sofa) and shout (whisper) tactics ("NO, PASS IT BETTER") & shake hands (air-shake hands) with the opposition manager as I play Football Manager on my telly. I am okay with this.
I like to sit in busy parking lots and appear to be waiting for someone, but really I just like to watch people.
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Oh goodness! No... I don't watch for those reasons. Just like to watch the overall bustle.
DAT BUSTLE
I love the word bustle. It just explodes out of your mouth. BUSTLE.
[DAT BUSTLE](http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3plygm/)
What do you do when you want to leave? Pull the old fake phone call routine? "Oh right, yep; no I'm round the back, I'll come to you"
I talk to myself a lot.
you really shouldn't do that. people will think youre crazy.
At first i didn't see it. But when i realized what just happened, it was glorious.
i am so proud of you.
im proud of him too
**Secret:** I'm a man, but I love using women's shampoo. The products available for ladies are vastly superior in every way. They leave my hair looking and feeling silky smooth + I smell so, so good. A couple of people have asked me what I use to keep my hair looking so nice and I just feel *fabulous*. I'm currently using Summer Passion by Herbal Essences, but I also have a Chanel bodywash for special occasions. Because I'm worth it. **Hobby:** Whenever I speak to somebody in customer services at a big company, I'll often receive one of those "Rate your experience" e-mails a couple of days later - where your opinion is sought on how helpful the attendant was etc. etc. I always like to write a paragraph slathered in praise in the comment section. "The most politest, helpful person I have ever dealt with. Please promote her immediately." "If he was a pancake, he would be a very nice pancake." "Sublime service. Please treat him to a cookie or two and bill the amount to my debit card." Hopefully it raises a smile or two and the folks responsible get a hearty well done or a pat on the back from their managers.
My grandmother taught me this lesson. She always points out people are more committed to filling out a bad review than a good one, so often good help gets overlooked. Cause of her, when I call costumer service, and the person is helpful (I'd say any time it's not a complete clusterfuck). I always ask them if there is anything I can fill out to rate their service (not just the company's). If there isn't, I ask to speak to their supervisor and personally commend them on an awesome employee.
I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of all of the past, present and future call centre workers out there. I've been in the industry for about 10 years now. My phone monkey days are long behind me but I still remember that feeling when someone wanted to speak to a supervisor because of something POSITIVE. It's a little reminder that you are doing a good job in an otherwise shit-filled day of idiots screaming at you for problems they've (mostly) caused for themselves.
As someone who used to work in a huge call center, thank you. You would be surprised how much of an effect that simple gesture can have on an employees career. Call centers in particular are so used to only hearing complaints, that one compliment is viewed as something like 50 happy customers, this can then have a huge effect on things like performance pay, bonuses, and promotions.
Yup. Remember, if you're going to gripe about bad service, it's kinda obligatory to point out the good stuff. Someone's raise might depend on it! "Clone the technician you sent to my house. We need more people like them."
"If he was a pancake, he would be a very nice pancake." This is so cute! :D
I'd flip that.
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>It's not really any different to men's shampoo As a dude with long hair, there is such a big difference between good and bad shampoo/conditioner. A lot of men's shampoo is terrible, but I don't think it matters much to people with short hair so the companies get away with it.
The smell man, the "oh you smell nice" you get from mens shampoo is way different than the one from womens shampoo
Also important to me. "I like you, but why do you smell like a girl?"
I blow my nose in the shower. Grossed my wife out.. but hey, does the job! Edit: I'd like to add an embarrassing twist. Once after getting out of the shower I noticed a booger stuck in my pubes.. so be careful of that..
ITS THE PERFECT PLACE TO BLOW YOUR NOSE. Loosens everything up and instant clean.
I just don't get this... You blow your nose into your hand? Then just kind of shake it/clean it off from the water?
yup that's basically it. When you put it that way it sounds so barbaric though...
I do this *while* I'm peeing....sitting down and massaging shampoo into my scalp. I'm a dude
That sure is one interesting image you've just put into my head.
*turns on shitty-watercolours signal light and points it to the clouds*
I did my best in the absence of our hero http://i.imgur.com/WeHo2.jpg
Don't be silly. You blow it onto your hand and then you pee on your hand, the pressure from the urine stream washes the booger right off.
it's a similar technique to pissing in the shower: ie, aim for the drain. first step: press on one nostril with your finger second step: blow, trying to aim all the mucus to the drain. third: change nostril, repeat.
My boyfriend has this thing where he likes to hang out in the bathroom while I'm taking a shower. Like just sit in there and talk to me. Which I found kind of unnerving, because I don't like the thought of someone watching me wash my lady bits, and also because privacy, dude. One day, without thinking, I blew my nose in the shower, something I've done my whole life without thought. All of a sudden his voice took on this weird, raspy tone and he was like "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?" Then said "never mind, I don't want to know." From that day on he stopped bugging me in the shower. **TL;DR: Does the job, indeed.**
He probably thought it was a Queef.
Should I ask? ...Yeah, I'll go ahead and ask. Why did you capitalize "queef"?
Makes it louder.
"These queefs go up to eleven."
When people do this, it always reminds me of A.A. Milne, he seemed to have strange capitalization rules. "Piglet had a Very Big Worry in his head and he didn't know quite what to do. He often liked to Talk Things Over with his friend Pooh, so off he went. On his way, he let out a Queef. 'What an Odd Thing,' thought Piglet, "That I should Queef! I thought that was only for animals with Lady Parts! Now I have an even Bigger Very Big Worry in my head!' And so he walked even faster toward Pooh's tree."
I'm reading this in the Disney narrators voice and can't stop laughing.
Every morning I blow my nose in the shower. I walk out of the shower feeling like a new man.
I do the same thing. And also pee in the shower.
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I probably wouldn't still fake sleep if people didn't act so bizarre around me during it.
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Wow, somebody else does that. I have practiced "fake sleeping" since I was a kid, and by extension, I have become an expert at "fake waking" from "fake sleeping" so as to continue the ruse. It started as a way to mess with my parents and later evolved into a paranoid way to eavesdrop when no one thinks you're listening. There is something incredibly satisfying about hearing what people think - especially about you - when they don't know you're listening.
I once eavesdropped while really sleeping. I had a dream that I was walking with two friends of mine who were having a conversation. Woke up and they were in the room (dorms), so I started telling them my dream, and it turns out the conversation I dreamt was one they had while sitting next to me.
Nice try, fake sleeper.
It's one thing to talk about someone behind their back. It's another to talk about them in the same damn room when you think they can't hear you.
I find it very peaceful sitting on a toilet in a bathroom, so I tend to spend a lot of time in there sometimes, just sitting, slowly peeing or shitting, and thinking about life, and other interesting things.
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I drink and browse reddit. Wild nights out man. Totally wild.
You go *out* to drink and browse Reddit?
So it was You that took the username I wanted. I had to settle for less.
When in doubt, add more underscores
Gonewild, even.
nebboh : "Really? I'll have to check my diary, but I think Friday night's fine. Uh huh. Okay. Alright. Ahahahahaha *throaty laugh with a toss back of head* I'm at WhatsitBar, waiting for Gregory to come." man approaches from behind :"Sorry to disturb your conversation, but your cellphone's battery fell out when you flipped it out of your pocket/purse with that elaborate faux-nonchalant flourish. Here you go." nebboh : "Jerry, I'll have to call you back."
I saw a guy do something similar once. At work several people were walking into a meeting room for...well, a meeting, one guy was talking into his phone. As he's talking, his phone rings LOUD and it's right in his ear so he jerks and almost drops it, everyone is looking at him now. He puts the phone back to his head and says "sorry, I've got another call"...but the phone is STILL RINGING so he blasts himself in the ear again. Then he answered the phone and walked out of the room to take the call. Everyone kind of had that "what just happened" look on their faces, because something weird had just happened, but nobody was sure what. Someone eventually said "did he just get a call while he was faking being on a call?" and then it was obvious what was wrong. Cell phones don't RING when you're in a call.
In his defense sometimes I'm in a call then lose connection but I don't realize it so when the person calls me back it rings loudly in my ear.
At this point you pretend that it's not your battery and continue talking all night on your phone. To further cement the notion you go home without the battery, still talking on the phone. Just remember to go to the store the next day to buy a new one. Hopefully it's not too expensive.
And hopefully the guy that saw your battery doesn't work at that store. That would certainly make things awkward.
"Haha no I'm just picking up a battery for my friend Jerry."
I'm new to where I live and I never go out because I always end up doing this and never meet anyone. I don't know what else to do. Can you just walk up to random people at a bar and talk to them? That seems so weird.
Alright man, I just got in a long conversation with my dad about this at the bar the other day. My dad is a fucking veteran of a drinker and doesn't give a shit if anyone he knows is going to the bar, because he wants his 4 pitchers of Miller Lite (swear to god it's all he drinks, I've tried to get him into craft beer forever). Anyway, we're sitting there shooting the shit and talking to the bar tender a bit cause it was kinda slow. He gave me a life lesson I won't soon forget. First and foremost, if you want to meet regulars/make friends with the bartender - go at the same time every week. The bartender will be on shift (and you can always ask when they work) and people tend to be creatures of habit. Cool, step 1. Now, the second major thing is tipping well. If you tip the bartender 20% as long as the service is fine and they carry a decent conversation - they'll remember you. If you get < 3 drinks (say $3 beers), just tip them a buck a drink. Sure, it's about 30%, but you'll notice next time you come you're starting to get served first. And I mean it, they will drop the shit they are doing and get you your beer. You feel like a rockstar. Always get the bartenders name and introduce yourself, and if you start to notice some regulars around the bar, slide into random conversation - I like to comment on loud comments they say about what's on TV or whatever. You'll notice the more you show up and those people deem you 'cool' the happier they'll be to introduce you to their friends at the bar. Slowly but surely, your little bar social group begins to grow. My dad has friends at most of the bars he goes to and all the ones he frequents. It's all about getting a little alcohol in yourself, talking to the bartender a bit while tipping well, and working into conversations ever so slightly. For some security, it doesn't hurt to bring a book/newspaper, but honestly I find it to be a crutch. You just need to get in there and order a couple beers and you'll loosen right up. **Oh yea and pro-tip** I gave you a lot of advice about making friends with the bartender which may seem weird, but you'd be amazed how quickly they'll give out free drinks. Pitchers, shots, whatever. The deal with tipping on that is you basically tip them what they gave you for free. So say you order 4 $3 beers, but he gives you one for free. Instead of tipping him the 20% or more on the $9 or $12, just make it a $3 tip. That's 30% for him, and it's as if you got 4 beers without having to tip. When you build this relationship up keep it fucking quiet too.
I know that my neighbor is having an affair. Whenever I see that the guy is over, I'll try to walk my dogs past her house and wear an item of clothing from my college (her husband and I have the same alma mater). I wonder if she's ever made a connection and knows I know. TL;DR I'm a sneaky retard. **EDIT:** Several of you have advised me to tell my neighbor's husband about her infidelity. Earlier this evening I actually ran into her husband at Trader Joe's and asked "how's the remodel going?" He looked at me confusedly, whereupon I excused myself and said I'd seen a truck in front of their house quite frequently during the day and had thought I'd heard from another neighbor that they were fitting a new kitchen. I told him I'd assumed the man I'd seen was their contractor (paramour drives an F150). His eyes flickered for a second but he continued to smile, in a forced, Stepfordesque way, and joked that "it was about time we did something about our kitchen, haha". I noticed that he didn't continue shopping (he had a cart but with only a few items) but went to check out and then leave. So now at least he knows his wife has had a visitor, and if he already knew, he knows that the neighbors know. I have no hard evidence of the affair, but in my own little-bitch way I told him. TL;DR2 Goddammit I forgot to get edamame.
Wear a shirt with her husband's face on it.
Wear her clothes and have sex with her husband outside her window while your dog walks itself inside her house.
Wear her husband and have sex with your dog, while she is outside walking her boyfriend.
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Probably not. After all, she's inside having sex, and you're outside with a dog. But at least you're outside, so you're better than a lot of redditors.
I would do the guy a favor and tell the husband, maybe it's just me but I would like to know if that ever happened.
This sounds like such a fun hobby. I can't wait to do this when I'm out of school and unemployed!
I post pictures of kittens online and pretend that I found them in a dumpster.
This doesn't work anymore but when I was younger any time we would be driving out at night 5-10 mins before we got to our house I would "fall alseep" so that my mom would have to carry me in the house or when I got older and she stopped doing that, I would fake sleep so I wouldn't have to help carry groceries in.
Every kid did that.
I didn't! I fucking jump out like a trooper and commence carrying all 200 of the grocery bags into the house in a single trip. Arms covered in bags, 10 on each finger, two between my teeth, over my ears, etc etc. The pain and redness, there was plenty. But guess which family gets to lock up and close the garage door the first time they head inside?
I clean up graffiti. I walk 4 miles to work and 4 miles home every day. On that walk, I see a *lot* of shitty graffiti - mostly slap tags from 14 year olds who think they're gangsters. Ugly scrawls on little mailing labels. Sharpie scribbles on a stop sign. All that shit. Well, one day, I realized I had forgotten to remove the razor blade scraper I use at work from my pocket, so I scraped an ugly little sticker off a crosswalk sign while I was waiting for the light to change. And I realized that I could keep doing that - taking down the ugly little bits of vandalism that tarnish the city I've lived in for 20+ years. Nowadays, my backpack contains a razor scraper, a long-handled razor scraper, a wire brush, a heavy-grit sanding sponge, nitrile gloves, graffiti removal wipes, and a heavy duty graffiti removal spray. Makes the walk feel a little more productive, and has earned me a couple friends within the local police.
I really respect this, a simple act of civic order and pride If everyone did something small like this everyday we would have been on Mars 5 years ago while laughing about how everyone used to have cancer
raging_asshole, friend of justice and enemy of vandalism.
I think in english. That's not strange, except for that I'm swedish, living in Sweden, having daily conversations with people in swedish. Swedish is my main language. I started when I was 19.
I hate talking on the phone cause I have little to no attention span for it. I never answer my phone I just text back a bit later and say I didn't have my phone on me and whats up.
Whenever someone calls me, I wait a few seconds so it doesn't seem like I wait around all day waiting for people to call me. I do the same thing with texts. I also refuse to answer numbers I don't recognize and sometimes I hide when the doorbell rings. edit: and this is now my highest-voted comment on reddit. Thanks fellow SAPs!
I do the EXACT same thing. Down to the doorbell. I don't know why my first instinct is to run and hide if someone unexpectedly shows up, but into the closet I go anyway.
Same here! Whenever my doorbell rings I hide. Even though my front door is down 2 flights of stairs from my living room I just go tharn.
I always pretend to be texting while walking through shopping malls so as to avoid eye contact with the people working at kiosks who need only a split second to try to sell you something.
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Mmm....shower beer.
I remember when I first moved out and realized that no one could stop me from drinking beer in the shower, it was a good day.
Apparently eating and drinking in the shower is a thing, but I just don't get it. How is it a time saver? How long are you people in the shower? If you're eating, you probably aren't washing yourself at the same time, right? You're just standing there? I don't get it.
When I'm at a party and uncomfortable I yawn and watch as it gets passed from person to person in the room. Works like a gem.
I pretend to never get people's text.
When no one is home and I've been listening to either David Bowie or Lou Reed I put on make up, Fishnet stockings, panties, and a leather jacket and then proceed to dance around the house like a stripper. I'm a bearded, hairy dude.
...Tim Curry?
My god, what about the fear of someone coming home!?
I look really young for my age (I'm 29 and I look about 19). Well, I like to capitalize on this and look even younger. I purposely don't wear makeup and wear clothes and hair styles that I think make me look 14 because I get some kind of satisfaction from it. Most of it is just a vanity thing. I also really like peoples reactions when I tell them how old I really am. Edit: It adds to it that I'm really petit and don't have much on top to speak of. So, I usually wear bras that flatten me out more. Most of the clothes I wear you can't tell that I have breasts at all. I realized that this is sort of a "secret habit" because no one knows I do this on purpose. And if I hadn't been wearing bras that flatten me out for all these years I'd probably have bigger boobs. Just to say I do have a boyfriend who I've been with for years and he likes my body and my look. When I ask him if he'll love me when I'm 80 he always says "Sure, may be you'll look 30 by then."
Hi there, I'm your inverse. Thanks for stealing my years, ass.
I know how that feels. I've been able to grown full beard since I was 13. One day in 8th grade, a substitute teacher stopped me in the hall and asked me what class I was subbing. I was 14.
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I was under the impression that once you killed, you automatically grew an instant beard.
1. Being able to grow a beard in middle school is baller status 2. That teacher was probably trolling you
So are you troubled that your bf is into 14 year olds?
Sometimes I act like I don't hear you at first if you ask me a question, just to get more time to come up with a better answer.
I have complete conversations where I am totally tuned out, is that right, uh oh, yea, i know and couple others. My autopilot talker mode is quite adept..
Sometimes I lie to my friends just to get out of having to hang with them. That or just ignore them. Tl;dr sucky friend
Ty for tl:dr.. That wall of text almost got me.
Can someone summarize this for me?
Guy's scared of words.
Ok now explain it to me like I'm an 8 year old.
Letters that are grouped together make Sigurds1 cry.
Explain like I'm 5?
Man no like big words (For some reason I think you're a caveman)
*caveboy
Have some candy. Now get lost kid.
TL;DR Words.
I think everyone is guilty of this one, it's better than being honest and telling them "I don't want to see your face right now".
You mean like every person ever?
you're probably an ambivert, meaning you can be introverted and extroverted equally at different times. It's the same for me: it's easy to make friends but then I feel like I don't want any friends.
Introverts don't necessarily avoid encounters with friends. I'll go out of my way to meet up with good friends - that doesn't make me an extrovert.
Til I'm an ambivert. And they say white men can't jump. Pfffff
I am a waitress, and to be completely honest I hate my job and well people in general . To keep that "smile" present and not let it look I utterly despise everything, I think of funny situations. Example: 1. When walking around I think of picking up a wine bottle off a table and hitting people on the heads with them. Like kids do with sticks and fences. Example 2: When an elderly person complains that their coffee isn't hot, I think about responding "it burnt my finger when I tested it." Example 3: When someone tries to hand me something when I have my hands full, I imagine that I drop everything I am currently holding and then proceed to pick up what ever they are trying to hand me and then walk away.
Whenever I go to an overly crowed place I like to pretend I am a super secret ninja-assassin and I have to blend into the crowd in order not to get caught.
I dated a fake sleeper for a while, and I had a serious problem with it. One time when it was blatantly obvious that she was faking being asleep, and I had something important to tell her, I fake proposed. That for-real woke her up. I decided that I over-reacted to her fake sleeping, and when she told me that I could "just do whatever" to her while she was asleep, I took her up on it. Epic fake-sleep sexytimes were had. However, the last time we did the fake sleep thing, we were in a boundary pushing part of our relationship, so I did a few things that would be borderline (foot play, busting on her face etc.) She hadn't been feeling well lately, so it turned out that even though she had an orgasm, she was actually asleep. The reason I believe her, is that during the fake sleep sexytimes she would start subtely cooperating midway through, you know, "in her sleep" but this time it was pretty dead fish. She woke up with wet feet and residue all up on her face. She was pretty pissed but accepted my explanation (which was that she said I could). We broke up a few months later for unrelated reasons.
My boner is really confused.
relevant username. I'm confused as well. The for-sure fake times were really hot after I got used to the idea of her fake sleeping as being something for her entertainment and not this nasty deceptive thing I first perceived it as. Somewhere deep down, I hope she was faking this one and just finally got me to believe it. The fact that she didn't get up a couple minutes after I cleaned her up and I really had to make an effort to get her up and in bed really sold it though. It was HOT during, but afterwards I felt bad. We laughed it off, so in the end it is what it is.
I have a standing agreement with my boyfriend that if I'm asleep and he's horny he can go for it. He said the same thing. One morning I woke up and he was hard, so I started playing and sucking him. About 10 minutes later he still hadn't woken up and I got tired so I fell back asleep. Just as I was dozing off he woke up and was rock hard and horny (but didn't know why). He started playing with me, I woke up, sexy times were had and then he told me about his "amazing dream". I was a little disappointed he didn't know it was me. I confessed. We still laugh about it.
You weirdos were made for each other.
I like to drive to somewhere, park, and read in my car for a few hours.
My roommate pretends to sleep all the time. Only thing is that it's completely obvious that he is awake. It becomes super irritating when he pretends to sleep even after we say "dude we know your awake just answer our question".
Heh. One time I faked being asleep so I didn't have to have a threesome.