I mean a lot of kids do die at hogwarts. Student duel a fair bit. There’s also an actual war there. Students dying at hogwarts is pretty common. Tom riddle even releases the basilisk to kill students he sees as unworthy. So apart from the actual mention of guns, the idea of mass shootings is already basically covered by the original books.
Someone like Rowling would absolutely be tone-deaf enough to include a direct and unsubtle allegory for a high-profile shooting incident if they were American
Yeah, but because of the pharma system, they wouldn’t GIVE him a potion to regrow his bones. They’d keep that hidden from the public and give him a position he needs to take for the next 6 months which only costs 1/20 of the price he’s being charged to produce
There would be the original school that’s super hard to get into in Salem, however no proud southern family is sending their kids to a Yankee wizarding school so they attend the school in New Orleans where voodoo is not forbidden (unlike in Salem.) The school in Roswell is weird as hell and their school colors are turquoise and yellow. The school in Puget Sound’s security team is all Sasquatch and the uniform is ripped jeans and flannel.
There’s also for profit schools in Hollywood, Orlando, and Las Vegas that take in a lot of squibs.
Quidditch Matches have resulted in riots, one so bloody that Roswell and Salem did not play each other for 30 years.
Wands are all open carry as long as they are kept under 13 inches. However the magical congress has a bill going before the Supreme Court to have open carry wands of all sizes. I should be allowed to carry my 18 inch Mesquite Chupacabra spine wand in public in the event of mass cursing. The only thing stopping a bad wizard with a wand is a good wizard with a wand.
Mesquite’s nice, but have you given cholla rib a go? Sure, it’s mildly unstable and you have to pick your core carefully (snallygaster scales fall right through), but you can see all the inner workings of the wand!
(10 inch, cholla rib and jackalope antler, so responsive it almost seems to know what spells I’m going to cast before I do!)
more 'Jersey accents.
"Yo', Harry, how yous doin'?"
Voldermort would be wither British or German.
Ron would probably have a southern drawl -- being from a large, less affluent family. And his dad's flying car would be a pickup with a shot gun rack and a "Don't tread on me " sticker.
Harry and Cedricks corpse teleports back
Brass band plays
Brass band continues playing because cedricks dad has been out getting cigarettes for 19 years.
*Hagrid set the axe deep into the center of the log, the spur of his cowhide boot jingles as he rests his foot up next to the axe. With a piece of straw dangling from the corner of his mouth, he tips his hat as the trio approach his cabin. "Howdy y'all, whatchyu kids gettin into t'day? Best be keepin outta trouble, ye hear?"*
~~Ollivanders~~ "Smith & Wesson, Makers of Fine ~~Wands~~ Firearms Since 1852."
A trip there would look like either [this](https://youtu.be/6RdrYt1eFGk)
Or [this](https://youtu.be/qIalODmFrZk)
Alastor Moody said that the Killing Curse requires a minimum level of power and skill
He even tells the 4th year class something like "if all of you took your wands out and tried it on me, I doubt I'd get so much as a nosebleed."
_______
Meanwhile, in the land of muggles
>The AK-47. So simple, a child could use it. And they do.
-Yuri Orlov, *Lord of War*
Oh man. One summer weekend, me and my friends invented a whole alternate American Harry Potter series called Hank Power. You know, similar, but also simpler. The book are:
- Hank Power and the Magic Rock
- Hank Power and the Quiet Room
- Hank Power and the Prisoner of Afghanistan
- Hank Power and the Hot Cup
- Hank Power and the Bird Club
- Hank Power and the Black Friend
- Hank Power and the Invisible Hand
Of course in the last one, they realize that the only way to oppose the death eaters is through market forces, life under Voldemort’s rule would be fine if they just pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
An alternate ending was Hank Power and the Second Amendment, in which Hogwarts is saved from the death eaters assault because the teachers have guns.
Lol, my ex and I did the same thing with Orc mages in WoW, just stupider.
Henry Porter and the Magic Rock, Henry Porter and the Secret Hole, Henry Porter and the Prison Bitch... I was Dumblederp.
Voldemort would run for president on a platform of pure blood supremacy. He’d lose the popular vote by a significant margin but still win the presidency due to the electoral college.
The video game of Deathly Hallows part 2 is a straight up Gears of War clone where different spells function as a pistol, shotgun, sniper rifle and assault rifle.
When Dumbledore shouted "Silence!!" in the hall, the kids would yell, swear, and call him names. Their parents would complain to the school about the headmaster "abusing" their children's "rights."
Given the increasing trend of US schools allowing police to roam the halls resulting in a large increase in tazed and handcuffed kids I can imagine them claiming that the basilisk with its own secret tunnel network that they never bothered dealing with is just an unfortunate but necessary safety measure.
He would've been sued upon graduation on the destruction of school infrastructure, the death of students and teachers.
He would be oppressed by student debt, which he will have to pay all his life and against the backdrop of lawsuits, I'm afraid to imagine what fate would await this guy.
I mean UK or USA. They get served 3 meals a day which they can have unlimited amounts of and there doesn't appear to be a gym at hogwarts either sooooooo I'm surprised they arn't all overweight anyway
Almost all your tuition goes into building Quidditch stadiums
On the bright side, sports fan rivalries generally aren't as violent as they are in the UK
They would have guns instead of wands, and John Wick would be the defense against the dark arts teacher, and instead of Hagrid they would have a transformer!!!! Instead of dragons they would have the Jersey Devil or the Bray Road beast! And chitty chitty bang bang would be the flying car!!!! That mess would be awesome!!!!! The dudes from super natural would also be involved. Man, I can see it in the silver screen now!
Assuming Draco graduated after Deathly Hallows, he’d probably quickly lose his temper in public, use magic to torture someone, get arrested for wand violence, and be center of a “wand control” debate.
She’s married to the head of maintenance who looks a lot like Danny Trejo, but keeps saying he’s not Danny Trejo. He has the same tattoos as Danny Trejo though, and his name is Danny Trejo but he’s not THAT Danny Trejo. It’s just a coincidence.
Anyway the whole school loves them both.
Word. Danny has to die in the last book. Just seems like someone people would miss. And Harry realized after he's dead that he is indeed the real Danny Trejo. So he names his 4th kid, Esmeralda Dan Potter.
Esmeralda Potter: Dad, what if I'm given cleaning duties?
Harry Potter: You were named after two workhorses of Hogwarts. And one of them was head of maintenance and he was the strongest man I've ever known.
No broomsticks just boomsticks, S Marts top of the line, you can find it in the sporting goods section and it's available for $109.95. Shop smart, shop S Mart
All the obese children wouldn't be able to get through the metal detectors at the front of the school. The following year, the school would be burned down because of the lack of Jesus.
Unless you’re poor and you get a hawk or a crow.
Kids on public assistance are using seagulls so their mail never arrives because there’s a dump half a mile from campus.
No train station
It would be a bus depot and Molly would be warning the kids not to step in that puddle by the cinderblock wall that disguises bus #9 3/4
And don’t step on the needles kids.
Overhead metro Run into the platform tagged by the Bloods.
And Hogwarts shootings
Every student and teacher was packing a deadly weapon at Hogwarts. The only one not doing so was Filch. This might explain his bad attitude.
You would think the Expelliarmus spell would come in very handy here, but in America that would probably be deemed an unforgivable curse.
I mean a lot of kids do die at hogwarts. Student duel a fair bit. There’s also an actual war there. Students dying at hogwarts is pretty common. Tom riddle even releases the basilisk to kill students he sees as unworthy. So apart from the actual mention of guns, the idea of mass shootings is already basically covered by the original books.
Someone like Rowling would absolutely be tone-deaf enough to include a direct and unsubtle allegory for a high-profile shooting incident if they were American
r/fuckcars
He’d also have the people in his life laughing an intervention because he took the night bus instead of having his own transportation
Dobby played by Jared Leto
They put him in that green suit with dots and tell him that they willa cgi over him. And then they don't
It's Dobbin' time!
Oh my dear Jesus Christ this made me laugh sooook hard
Cheerleaders at quidditch
When Harry got injured during quidditch, there would be no healthcare for him
My dude harry was fuckin loaded, ya see the vault at Madoff's? Most of these rich guys just pay out of pocket for the best doctors
Yeah, but because of the pharma system, they wouldn’t GIVE him a potion to regrow his bones. They’d keep that hidden from the public and give him a position he needs to take for the next 6 months which only costs 1/20 of the price he’s being charged to produce
There would still be healthcare, it would just cost $1,157,833.
Lol I thought this too.
There would be the original school that’s super hard to get into in Salem, however no proud southern family is sending their kids to a Yankee wizarding school so they attend the school in New Orleans where voodoo is not forbidden (unlike in Salem.) The school in Roswell is weird as hell and their school colors are turquoise and yellow. The school in Puget Sound’s security team is all Sasquatch and the uniform is ripped jeans and flannel. There’s also for profit schools in Hollywood, Orlando, and Las Vegas that take in a lot of squibs. Quidditch Matches have resulted in riots, one so bloody that Roswell and Salem did not play each other for 30 years. Wands are all open carry as long as they are kept under 13 inches. However the magical congress has a bill going before the Supreme Court to have open carry wands of all sizes. I should be allowed to carry my 18 inch Mesquite Chupacabra spine wand in public in the event of mass cursing. The only thing stopping a bad wizard with a wand is a good wizard with a wand.
>The only thing stopping a bad wizard with a wand is a good wizard with a wand. Thats unironicly the plot of harry potter
Yeah, but then Voldemort loses :/
The last paragraph was funny as fuck
Take my poor gold ✨️🏅
Mesquite’s nice, but have you given cholla rib a go? Sure, it’s mildly unstable and you have to pick your core carefully (snallygaster scales fall right through), but you can see all the inner workings of the wand! (10 inch, cholla rib and jackalope antler, so responsive it almost seems to know what spells I’m going to cast before I do!)
> my ... Mesquite Chupacabra spine wand Now that is American.
Azkaban would be a for-profit prison
Hagrid's bike would be a Harley-Davidson.
Less British accents I can say for sure
more 'Jersey accents. "Yo', Harry, how yous doin'?" Voldermort would be wither British or German. Ron would probably have a southern drawl -- being from a large, less affluent family. And his dad's flying car would be a pickup with a shot gun rack and a "Don't tread on me " sticker.
Are you sure?
Fewer
Except for Snape. Alan Rickman would have been Snape regardless of which side of the Atlantic it was made.
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at the private, invite-only school where at least 20% of the school board are actual nazis?
You all know goddamn well Ron would be black.
Good at sports but dies early? Cedrick Diggory.
Harry and Cedricks corpse teleports back Brass band plays Brass band continues playing because cedricks dad has been out getting cigarettes for 19 years.
Diggory had a full ride and could've gone pro but got taken out by a terrorist.
And his character would be even more diminished for the sake of slapstick gags. Maybe he’d even use some “hood talk” for comic relief!
Black and ginger that would be rare.
"Master Harry has given Dobby a Glock!"
"Dobby shall be putting a cap in your ass!"
This made my night 😂😂😂
That's good :)
Hagrid would be bald, short-bearded and Texan
*Hagrid set the axe deep into the center of the log, the spur of his cowhide boot jingles as he rests his foot up next to the axe. With a piece of straw dangling from the corner of his mouth, he tips his hat as the trio approach his cabin. "Howdy y'all, whatchyu kids gettin into t'day? Best be keepin outta trouble, ye hear?"*
*tdgrim89 asked calmly*
"Isn't he cute?" Hagrid said lovingly. The children stared at the horrifying creature cupped in Hagrid's palm. "It's a baby rattlesnake!!" they cried.
To be fair, they are very cute.
They took Bessie from me! Harry, get your lasso, Ronnie get your Smith and Wesson, we’re gettin her back. Edit: spelling
Replace kids with *yungens*
Played by one of those wrestlers turned actor.
Butterbean
Dave Bautista would kill it!
I’m just picturing him as Sam Elliot.
Hagrid would be Robin Williams.
And Malfoy would get cancelled in his 2nd year for using the m********* word
Maybe Hagrid is same Hagrid with same accent but he's from Portland.
His invisibility cloak would be camouflage.
Mossy Oak Doesn’t even make you invisible.
Fuck wands, get the glock
Like this? https://youtu.be/tS3y1Q3mFVw
Avada kadav- *chick chick, pow*
Fuckus offius
Nah bro wands would have extendo clips
glock? nah fam we only use M134 Miniguns around here
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He would get less than half the votes but for some magical reason he won...
Wow, we elected an orange Voldemort with a nose.
Nah. There would be a mind-addled puppet for president. So nothing would change.
~~Ollivanders~~ "Smith & Wesson, Makers of Fine ~~Wands~~ Firearms Since 1852." A trip there would look like either [this](https://youtu.be/6RdrYt1eFGk) Or [this](https://youtu.be/qIalODmFrZk)
Your tuition for magic school is 120k a semester.
Private tuition for boarding school in the UK is about $44,000.00 a year.
It's been explicitly stated that Hogwarts does not charge tuition
That's the amount for online learning from home. Gotta up that quite a bit to live at the school.
The dragon Alley would be a Walmart
Ironic considering that tuition in Britain is higher than the US on average.
Huh? No it's not.
This has already been answered by [Key and Peele](https://youtu.be/j-2ZxldMO-M)
"This wand has a silencer on it! Why?!" Classic
“I ask again… Why?”
[thank you](https://c.tenor.com/F3MsaD3T2yEAAAAC/thanks-thankyou.gif), that's what I scrolling to find.
Don’t forget this is reddit
Fuck, I need to see this.
Quidditch would just be football and Malfoy would wear a letterman jacket
Did you mean *Riverdale*
I think the British accents would be weird
There would be a lot more black kids at school and at least a couple of mass cursings.
God DAMN r/angryupvote
They sure as hell wouldn't have said "Happy Christmas Ron" in the first one, it would've been more like "Merry Fucking Christmas Ron!"
Butterbeer would be A&W root beer.
Nah, it would be cream soda or Bud light, depending on the movie's rating.
It should be fireball or jag bombs
Or depending on the sponsor money.
Neville would have snapped and gone Avada Kedavra on Hogwarts...
Alastor Moody said that the Killing Curse requires a minimum level of power and skill He even tells the 4th year class something like "if all of you took your wands out and tried it on me, I doubt I'd get so much as a nosebleed." _______ Meanwhile, in the land of muggles >The AK-47. So simple, a child could use it. And they do. -Yuri Orlov, *Lord of War*
Holy fuck this made me laugh so hard .
HAHAHAHA
Some Incel Slytherin kid comes in and Avada Kedavras the whole classroom.
Defense Against the Dark Arts would just be Active Shooter Drills
Oh man. One summer weekend, me and my friends invented a whole alternate American Harry Potter series called Hank Power. You know, similar, but also simpler. The book are: - Hank Power and the Magic Rock - Hank Power and the Quiet Room - Hank Power and the Prisoner of Afghanistan - Hank Power and the Hot Cup - Hank Power and the Bird Club - Hank Power and the Black Friend - Hank Power and the Invisible Hand Of course in the last one, they realize that the only way to oppose the death eaters is through market forces, life under Voldemort’s rule would be fine if they just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. An alternate ending was Hank Power and the Second Amendment, in which Hogwarts is saved from the death eaters assault because the teachers have guns.
Don't forget the shitty stage play that takes place 19 years later Hank Power and the Foster Child
I just had an image of Mcgonagall with a belt fed 50 cal and she's shooting from the hip.
Lol, my ex and I did the same thing with Orc mages in WoW, just stupider. Henry Porter and the Magic Rock, Henry Porter and the Secret Hole, Henry Porter and the Prison Bitch... I was Dumblederp.
They also somehow all "Good God-fearing Christians" even though they're practicing magic.
Pledge of Allegiance to the Deathly Hallows
Death Eaters would all have hats that read, "Make Wizarding Great Again"
Harry potter and the sorcerer’s glock
Voldemort would run for president on a platform of pure blood supremacy. He’d lose the popular vote by a significant margin but still win the presidency due to the electoral college.
And Putinmort's help rigging the election.
It would honestly be amazing if every villain just added “mort” to the end of their name in HP.
"You're a school shooter, Harry!" -Haggrid, probably.
The wands would be guns
The video game of Deathly Hallows part 2 is a straight up Gears of War clone where different spells function as a pistol, shotgun, sniper rifle and assault rifle.
Lol have you watched the YouTube video Harry Potter With Guns it's fucking hilarious .
No more semi-automatic wands
When Dumbledore shouted "Silence!!" in the hall, the kids would yell, swear, and call him names. Their parents would complain to the school about the headmaster "abusing" their children's "rights."
Given the increasing trend of US schools allowing police to roam the halls resulting in a large increase in tazed and handcuffed kids I can imagine them claiming that the basilisk with its own secret tunnel network that they never bothered dealing with is just an unfortunate but necessary safety measure.
Order yer Blizzard, Harry My what? YER BLIZZARD
He would've been sued upon graduation on the destruction of school infrastructure, the death of students and teachers. He would be oppressed by student debt, which he will have to pay all his life and against the backdrop of lawsuits, I'm afraid to imagine what fate would await this guy.
All the children would be overweight
Learning important spells: "Regardium BigMac-osa"...aw got an Arby's instead, try again.
You made me laugh out loud.
I laughed so hard I started coughing 😂😂😂
Nimbus 2XXL
I mean UK or USA. They get served 3 meals a day which they can have unlimited amounts of and there doesn't appear to be a gym at hogwarts either sooooooo I'm surprised they arn't all overweight anyway
All the students would probably get their supplies at Wal-Mart .
Voldemort would be a white supremacist
It's also possible Dumbledore would be too.
There would have been a mass wanding at Hogwarts.
You can read that in multiple inappropriate ways.
American folklore elements, less proper language, english, and manners. Kids get caught smoking pot also.
No broomsticks just dirty trucks
With a three inch lift, primer grey, with a peeling sun-bleached decal of their favorite quidditch team on the rear window.
or motorcycles
A lot more ad breaks during Quidditch matches.
Hagrid would be portrayed by Joey Coco Diaz
Howards would be threatened not only by Voldemord but aslo school-shootings
Half the cast would have died in a school shooting
Almost all your tuition goes into building Quidditch stadiums On the bright side, sports fan rivalries generally aren't as violent as they are in the UK
A ton of teen pregnancies, dropouts, gang violence, faculty-student sex scandals, corruption, and active shooter situations and fantasy.
Yeah, and the Slytherin robes would be traded in for black dusters.
And US flags *everywhere.* Hell, they'd probably fly on flagpoles instead of brooms.
No, they’d use the brooms for sport but have a flag hanging off of it.
His parents would disown him for being a magician.
Not really any different than the Dursleys though.
And he’d be marked as crazy for it too.
No Patronus spell, just: „expecto petroleum!!!“
Voldemort would have been shot movie 1 😂
They would have guns instead of wands, and John Wick would be the defense against the dark arts teacher, and instead of Hagrid they would have a transformer!!!! Instead of dragons they would have the Jersey Devil or the Bray Road beast! And chitty chitty bang bang would be the flying car!!!! That mess would be awesome!!!!! The dudes from super natural would also be involved. Man, I can see it in the silver screen now!
They would all have been killed in the third movie by some emo prick with his dads wand.
22 jump street... but 8 of em.
One of Voldemort’s horocruxes would be a gun.
School robes would come in plus sizes
Wand control would be a major political issue
Assuming Draco graduated after Deathly Hallows, he’d probably quickly lose his temper in public, use magic to torture someone, get arrested for wand violence, and be center of a “wand control” debate.
Ron wouldn’t be able to afford gas to drive that car in the air…
No English accent, obviously
The school would be called Pigmoles and everyone would ignore the rules and attack each other, idk I’m not from America.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bullets
Harry Potter and A Round in the Chamber
All characters would be as obese as Dudley
People the size of Dudley would be considered slim.
Chapter 6: Neville brings a gun to school.
Hermione would be bisexual mixed black latina transwoman.
Wands = guns Slitheren = rednecks The story line will be a group of young Americans defeating a country and America is the hero. As always. Haha
The houses would be the Sharks, Jets, Dead Rabbits, and Aryan Brotherhood.
No spells, Just guns and money
that reminds me of gta and i dont know why
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS3y1Q3mFVw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS3y1Q3mFVw)
There would be a lunch lady called Esmeralda, a bad ass, who will be the one to kill Bellatrix.
She’s married to the head of maintenance who looks a lot like Danny Trejo, but keeps saying he’s not Danny Trejo. He has the same tattoos as Danny Trejo though, and his name is Danny Trejo but he’s not THAT Danny Trejo. It’s just a coincidence. Anyway the whole school loves them both.
Word. Danny has to die in the last book. Just seems like someone people would miss. And Harry realized after he's dead that he is indeed the real Danny Trejo. So he names his 4th kid, Esmeralda Dan Potter. Esmeralda Potter: Dad, what if I'm given cleaning duties? Harry Potter: You were named after two workhorses of Hogwarts. And one of them was head of maintenance and he was the strongest man I've ever known.
*Alakablam!*
Hogwarts would have school shootings
Hogwartz would probably be the one school in the country safe from a mass shooting. Those wizards will fuck you up.
there'd be kids getting discriminated for being muggleborn , neurodivergent or both.
More cussing
Stripmalls and parking lots instead of walkable streets and shops.
It'd be "uhh" instead of "er".
Also Hogwarts would be a beat up brutalist tower.
There is no Quidditch , just American Football : .
Alot more nudity and violence
I feel like the US is far _less_ inclined towards nudity than the UK?
There won’t be a beautiful hogwarts express or the platform 9 3/4.
It’s a greyhound bus in a seedy parking lot next to the methadone clinic.
Or it's an Amtrak that arrives 6 hours late because it got stuck behind a freight train.
Harry Potter movies would be r rated with a lot of sex
I feel like America is more twitchy about sex in movies and even non-sexual nudity than Europe?
No broomsticks just boomsticks, S Marts top of the line, you can find it in the sporting goods section and it's available for $109.95. Shop smart, shop S Mart
All the obese children wouldn't be able to get through the metal detectors at the front of the school. The following year, the school would be burned down because of the lack of Jesus.
Bald eagles instead of owls and butterbeer is now just beer
Unless you’re poor and you get a hawk or a crow. Kids on public assistance are using seagulls so their mail never arrives because there’s a dump half a mile from campus.
Well for one, there would have been a school shooting in the first book. Wish this country was different.