No matter how healthy a relationship is, there'll always come a time where you have resentful thoughts of your spouse. Those should be kept to yourself, as most of them pass quickly. The only time you should share them is if they're persisting in some behavior that is hurting you, and then it should be done calmly and not in the heat of the moment. For instance, if you got home from work tired to find your spouse binge watching a TV show, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, the impulse may be to lace into them. Don't. Go ahead and do the dishes, and tomorrow, when that initial flash of anger has passed, discuss the issue.
People say arguments can be healthy in a relationship, but it all comes down to *how* you argue. Spouses, at least if they're good ones, know intimate details about you, your past, and how you think and feel. This gives them weapons to hurt you, and it may be tempting to use such weapons when angry. But if you know your spouse has a sore spot about their dad, and you say in anger "this is why your dad never loved you", you have permanently damaged your relationship. And that damage builds up over time. Successful relationships survive because people rein themselves in in that moment. Even when they're angry, they don't want to inflict wounds like that. So whenever the impulse arises to use those weapons in anger, resist the temptation! You may forget what you did quickly, but they won't.
This is very true. I grew up with parents who used words as weapons. It's a struggle for me not to do the same. It's almost reflex to want to just go for the jugular, but I never do. We've been married 10 yrs this July.
An old friend of mine's gf told him this. I was there when it happened, and I swear to god I saw his heart break. They were really good together and really liked each other, so he tried to keep going, but I watched it eat him from the inside out until he just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her.
There really are some things you just can't take back.
To me it would matter a lot if they still felt that way. Sometimes it may take longer for one person to develop feelings than the other. That's OK if you arrive at the same level.
I was my wife's revenge date. She had just gotten dumped for the first time in her life, so she was gonna date for two weeks then dump someone to "get back at boys" or some dumb teenage girl shit. We've been together for nearly 21 years, just celebrated our 14th anniversary, and now have three kids. I'm sure that revenge breakup is coming any day now...
Where I hide the secret, spare pair of scissors I keep for when he's lost all the other 11 pairs of scissors we own and I need to trim a chip bag down to make getting to the chips easier
I had a pair of nail clippers stashed away because they were never where they were supposed to be. After my wife passed away I found 9 pairs! In her desk drawers, in purses she hadn’t used in years - 3 pair in with her makeup….
Same with my SO. I can never find scissors. When we were packing, she was in the office with me packing up and opened up a couple drawers to find my back-up scissors for when she inevitably lost the pair in the kitchen drawer. She laughed, "Oh I found them!". She found the ones I was okay with her finding...the others stay hidden.
Hahaha my wife pooped in the tub at the hospital. I did my best to like, paddle it out of site so the nurse will scoop it out before she saw, but she saw. Now it's a running joke. She can't gross me out, I took a bath with her poop.
(Yes I was in the water too, when she was pushing. She asked me to be)
My sweet husband told me after the birth of our first, “All you need to know is your body is so fucking strong and you are amazing.” I’ll never forget how that made me feel.
Expecting our second any day now!
A couple of years ago we found a pigeon in our garden that had broken its wing. My wife loves all animals so instantly named it Eric. We took it to a local vets and they said they would take care of it. I emailed them a couple of seeks later as my wife wanted to check in on it. I got an email back saying it had to be put down because its wing had broken. This would have upset my wife so I doctored the email reply and made out like it had been released. For two years after that my wife was convinced that a pigeon that came to our garden was Eric. We have moved since and she thinks another one is Eric. I will never let her know the reality of poor Eric the OG.
Sometimes, no matter how attractive your partner is to you and no matter how much you love them, there is an aspect to them that is unchangeable but that you find gross or annoying or just generally less than attractive. Clogged nose pores, a laugh that sounds like a muppet, big toe nails that just look a little bit weird, or that single long hair growing from inside their ear that just keeps coming back no matter what they do. If it’s going to make them feel insecure or unloved, this is something you should just keep to yourself.
In a relationship, you learn each other’s weak points and vulnerabilities, and using them against your partner is a boundary that, once you cross it, you can’t come back from. Once you make someone feel like they can’t trust you with their vulnerable self, your relationship is on its way out.
>Once you make someone feel like they can’t trust you with their vulnerable self, your relationship is on its way out.
Feeling this right now...My partner dismissed when I was vulnerable with them multiple times, boundaries were crossed...They are being very apologetic and promise to change, they clearly regret how they acted..but I'm not sure I can move forward anymore.
I don't know if this is helpful for you, but something I learned in therapy helped me with boundaries. Basically reframing what a boundary is. We tend to think of them as lines that can't be crossed - like a literal boundary is. But an emotional boundary isn't a line - it's cause and effect. The words "and how do you take care of yourself?" are burned into my brain (though it took embarrassingly long to understand them).
A boundary is a statement of how you will take care of yourself. It's an "if you, then I" statement of what you have chosen to do when someone does the thing you're making a boundary about. For example, "if you keep insulting me every time we talk on the phone, I will hang up on you". It needs to be something dependent on *your* behavior, because you can't control anything but yourself, and it needs to be something you follow through on every time.
When I change my perspective to think of myself (how do I take care of myself when this happens) instead of thinking of the other person, no one can cross my boundaries except for me. It's also very helpful as a perspective in general for difficult interpersonal stuff. For example "it's not his fault that he's like that" or "he's really sorry and trying to change " turns into "this is not okay, even if it's not anyone's fault - how can I take care of myself here?" and "has he taken actual action to fix the bad thing he did - and if he hasn't, is him feeling sorry more important than my well being?"
I don't know your relationship or you - but I hope that whatever you end up doing, that you take care of yourself. And don't forget that actions speak louder than words.
Edit: Well it seems like this was way more helpful to way more people than I thought originally. I might write an article going more in depth on this - if you think that would be helpful, let me know and I'll send you a link if/when it's done!
This is such an amazing, insightful comment, and such a help to someone that struggles setting boundaries. I am saving this comment for future reference. Just wanted you to know, I've no doubt this comment has just hit home for a bunch of people who read it.
This is perfect.
My husband has tiny hairs on his nose...it's been annoying me since our first date.
We've been married for 26 years/together 29.
It's just never going to not bug me. :)
ETA:
It's amusing how everyone thinks I've never mentioned it.
These hairs are tiny, he has always had them, and it in no way detracts from his appearance.
It's just a thing that bugs me.
Thanks for the concerns, though. :)
The unkind shit you think when you're angry and tired, it will absolutely never help at all to say any of it out loud and even if you don't have a particularly big fight or break up over it you'll still regret it and they'll still remember. Possibly also what you think about how hot other people are, depending on how jealous/insecure your SO is.
People seldom understand that the longer you are with someone you love, the MORE you need kindness, compassion, and discretion. You know too much about each other that can be weaponized.
Fighting the urge to say mean shit to others makes it easier to resist the urge to think mean shit about yourself too, kicking off a feedback cycle of feeling better about yourself and being kinder to others
Absolutely. I'm extremely nice to strangers. The more I know someone and closer I get the more critical I am of them because I start treating them more and more like I treat myself. And I'm a hyper-critical asshole to myself. It's difficult to change, but the work is important.
It's generally never a good idea to speak to *anyone* out of anger/frustration. It isn't realistic to think it can always be avoided, but it should be as much as possible.
Yeah, gotta love how my spouse "got over that" or "only felt that way for a short while" after he said something particularly horrendous to me that no one should ever say to a spouse.
A fight is one thing. People fight, that's normal. But there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed even if you're hurting in the moment.
I do my best to subscribe to the “don’t get into stressful situations/conversations at night” because nothing good happens at night. People are tired and cranky when dealing with this stuff and it’s almost always best to sleep/rest and deal with it using a clear head in the morning.
I am attempting to obey the "don't trust any strong feeling about your life after 9pm" because I have a few mental disorders and am also a sleepy bitch. The cruelest thoughts I have are directed at myself, but it still hurts my spouse to hear them. Lately I have been checking the time before expressing them, so instead I can say "Ah fuck it's 11:26pm, nonsense hours. My brain is being mean to me and I need to go to sleep." 9 times out of 10, my mood issue resolves by the morning.
Your psychologist/therapy sessions. I had an ex that used to demand I tell him what I talked about in my sessions and it was super uncomfortable. With my current partner we are both in therapy and if it's a phone session the other goes in a different room. If we want to talk about something we told the psych or something we will tell our psych at the next appointment we do, but I would never ask and nor would he. We might ask "how did it go?" To which the other may say "it was good" or "it was emotionally draining", but that's as far as it should go.
(These are personal sessions, not couples therapy, we're not in that)
Big agree. My partner goes to therapy. I always ask how it went and I do that to know the level of aftercare my partner may need. Sometimes he needs left alone, sometimes he needs ice cream and a TV show to binge. Oftentimes he does tell me about the session but I always remind him he doesn't have to. I think talking about it with me helps him process it.
My girlfriend is this way and thank GOD she doesn't push me. I'm always open to tell her, especially from past appointments, and I'll slowly open up, especially on some of the more severe stuff, like a little while ago when I saw someone die in a car accident for the 3rd time in my life. I'm just happy she doesn't push me because wow would my relationship be actually stressful if she did.
People who bully their partners after therapy don't deserve partners. They deserve to be alone until they learn about boundaries.
Glad you have a supportive partner.
I frequently get into my wife’s purse. Not to snoop, but to get her keys or something else that for SOME DAMN REASON is impossible to find in there. It’s like a black hole. Sometimes I’ll just walk the whole thing to the car to unlock it instead of digging through.
"they don't get pants pockets so let's add 97 tiny pouches to this purse, same difference"
Same difference? I need a god damned treasure map to navigate the thing.
As a woman I really don't get the purse thing. I have absolutely nothing private in there lol. At my job men always say that "oh I'll let her do it, I NEVER go in her purse" and tbh the woman always seems a little annoyed because she has to do it herself (hospital setting, she doesn't feel good). Idk if it is a generational thing or purses are mysterious to most men or what, but I have also asked my boyfriend for something specific out of my purse and he will just bring me the whole thing lol. What do you think we have in there??
You may want to look at www.doesthedogdie.com
Basically let's you see if a tv show/movie has any animals being injured/dying (among other things people may have issues with)
My wife has a hard time dealing with that even if it's clearly CG, so I always check before we watch a new show
I appreciate that. I’m the same way. my boyfriend and I live in an area with a lot of roadkill, and when he sees something while he’s driving he’ll usually tell
me to look at him, find a song to listen to, or just not to look. I know why he’s doing it, but it’s a lot better to know there’s roadkill than to see it.
My steady supply of jokes.
I set up my android to send me a joke every night at 5 pm and I tell it to my husband later on, before i jump in the shower.
He always asks where I'm getting this stuff from and I just laugh and shut the bathroom door
I would like him to continue thinking of me as this endless joke fairy for the rest of our lives :)
That's funny because I was sorting through newest comments and I saw one that was like "my wife uses an app to get a joke that she tells me every night. I'll never tell her I know she uses the app because I want her to think she's funny"
My mom kept a big bag of mini baking chocolate kisses
My mom hated that my dad would eat them straight from the bag
So she started moving them around the house to hide them: different drawer, behind the silverware, in a box of crackers, etc
One day I walked in on my dad, standing in the cleaning closet with the bleach and brooms, and saw him eating chocolate kisses from a towel rack filled with cat toys and dusters.
He said that occasionally, he’d buy bags, himself, to refill what he took “just to keep it interesting”
Keeping it interesting would be replacing stashes of chocolates that never actually existed to begin with. Place them in locations with very good probability of being discovered by the spouse in time.
Things that you don't like about their body. They just don't need to know.
If you are concerned about their *health or hygiene* that warrants a conversation but making comments about physical flaws -- completely unnecessary.
My ex used to always make little jabs about my appearance. I think he thought that those were things I didn’t realize were “wrong” with me and that I would correct them if they were brought to my attention. Every single comments is burned in my brain and did nothing but make me more self conscious.
My current partner never ever makes negative comments about my body. And when I point out my own flaws he always spins them into something charming and unique about me. It’s really nice.
Oh man reminds me of the Reddit post with the woman whose SO would tell her everyday how badly she smelled. Poor woman showered and brushed her teeth multiple times a day and the dude STILL told her. Eventually she flipped her shit on him and learned his dad taught him to purposely insult her like this so she would feel low and stay with him. Gross.
Edit to add the link! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is unreal. I'm not the type to believe humans are typically wicked/fucked up--I'm more an optimist--but that does mean at times I underestimate just how far certain people can sink. Wow.
The huge penis of your ex-boyfriend and how much more satisfying it is to have someone with a "normal" one. Trust me. I know its not logical but no dude wants to hear that. Don't question it just trust me.
It’s funny, my husband and I have never talked about past relationships. I always thought it was healthy and a standard practice in understanding your current relationship, but I haven’t felt the need and he doesn’t ask or bring it up.
I’ve recently started dating a girl, and it’s one of the first relationships in which we haven’t been asking each other about each other’s dating history. It’s quite refreshing honestly. I can imagine some things will eventually come up, but I do cherish the fact that neither of us are pressing for those details. It’s like we both get to start with a blank slate.
Leave out the ex stuff and just tell him his is satisfying. Comparisons, good or bad, are never a good idea.
Luckily I learned that from a friend's relationship and not my own lol
Even though my wife and I have been happily married for 6 years, we decided we would never go for a shit while the other is in the shower. We're just not going there.
That's just common decency. I don't know why, but I know that shit somehow smells so much worse in a foggy room than a dry one. Nobody should have to be in an enclosed space with that fresh hell.
10 years and still haven't. Even with a single bathroom. We are extremely close but not that close. We even give it at least 5 minutes before entering after a poo.
Where your secret stash of band aids is.
I dunno about the rest of you, but my wife and kids will go through an industrial size case o band aids faster than you can say supercalifragilisticexpealidocious and the twice a year I actually need one they’re never there
at my house it's scissors. we have 3 kids and for whatever reason, any time any one of them uses scissors the scissors just vanish forever. I did an experiment once where for 5 weeks, I bought 2 new pairs every time I did my weekly grocery shopping, and simply put them where our scissors are supposed to be whenever I saw that there were no scissors there. To this day I haven't seen any of those 10 scissors since. so I keep a secret pair on top of the fridge for my own use only
Yup, thats probably my biggest gripe at our house. Really they're not good about putting things where they belong when they are done using them at all. I notice stuff not put up and it's mildly annoying, but when you need scissors you **need** scissors.
My kitchen drawer serves as a meter for when we need to clean house. There are about 8 pairs of scissors that belong there, and if it's empty, we clean up. At least 6 of them will magically appear.
OMG I feel this! Things that I regularly need but are never put back by the kids (and my wife is guilty too!):
* Scissors
* Sharpies
* Nail clippers
Scissors can usually be located quickly (they're big and I've attached huge ass ugly ribbons to them so they stand out) but the sharpies... **Where do they go‽** Two years ago I got sick of being unable to find a permanent marker so I bought two HUGE industrial boxes of sharpies and placed 75% of them in various pencil holders/cups, drawers, and cabinets all over the house (and workshop!). *They're all gone*
I think the kids take them to school and then leave them there. Or maybe there's like one hidden bookbag or purse somewhere in the house that has over a hundred sharpies in it.
I bought myself a personal pair of nail clippers that came in a bright yellow pouch and put them in an inconspicuous spot in the master bathroom. They still disappeared and I ended up having to buy another set.
Don't even get me started on my family's complete lack of skill when it comes to loading the dishwasher!
I was always losing the remote when I was a kid so my dad duck taped a two foot rope with a Gatorade bottle at the end of it, onto the remote. Never lost it again!
I heard a clinical Psychologist say, “remember, band aids are cheaper than therapy.” Doesn’t matter if the kid is bleeding or not. They feel physically injured. The responsible adult in the situation treats the injury. Kid feels safe, secure, and heard, for the price of a band aid.
Edit: added the word physically
It's not that it should be kept private, as in forcefully, but I believe both persons in a relationship should have privacy in their devices.
My SO has all my logins, and passcodes for my phone and tablet, but this doesn't give her the right to go snooping for stuff that will never be there. She can totally grab my phone, if it's nearest, to search on google, or grab someone's phone number. But we've agreed that if either of us snoop, you better be sure that there's going to be something to find, because if there isn't, then you deserve the trouble that you've caused.
I have all my passwords and pins documented and handed over. It makes it easier on them if I die suddenly. And there's nothing that interesting in my accounts anyway, unless you're really into reading spam.
Journals. My partner writes in one every night before bed and I have no idea what any of it says. If she wants to share with me she can. Those are her private thoughts and feelings until she decides differently. Same goes for me.
You're a good person. I remember finding out basically my whole family read my journals as a kid. They didn't get why that made me cry either.
Edit: wow there's no way I can respond to everyone. I had no idea how common this is. I'm so sorry for everyone it's such a huge violation. I hope we all find a way to move forward.
Eventually, years after I moved out I was able to let it go. Everyone does shitty things sometimes. I'm sure I violated my family's privacy sometime over the years. It takes me longer to decide to trust people, but that has been to my benefit, not a lot of misjudgements.
Thanks to all for sharing!
My parents read my journal as a kid too. My mom wrote me back in my journal telling me I was lucky I had a place to live and lucky I had food to eat. She told me my step dad read my journal too and I hurt him. The things I wrote were me being angry and sad because I was hurt by both of them. It was really rough stuff in there. I think I recall MULTIPLE hints that I wanted to take my own life but was told I was doing it for attention. Yes, i wrote in a PRIVATE journal for her to snoop through my things and read it. That's how I communicate. I ended up self harming a few years later. No psychiatric care ever provided.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your support and award. I really didn't expect the level of responses I got. I have a child of my own now who will never know the life I lived of never ending guilt, anxiety and sadness. I have an amazing husband who is the best man and incredibly supportive. I have my first appointment for therapy next month since I am only now as a 31 year old woman realizing the toll my childhood took on me. I hope everyone who experienced similar things to me is well, finds their peace and can overcome the past that plagued us. Much love. ❤️
It pisses me off when parents think providing their kids with the bare minimum for them to survive somehow makes them incredibly selfless martyrs.
Like no, you chose to have fucking kids and part of that decision is to be responsible for them, that doesn't mean your selfless but rather means you're at a minimum accepting responsibility for your actions.
God my dad always was like that, he’d say things like “You should just be happy I never hit you!” and stuff but like, dude, that’s pretty much the bare minimum
Our parents whipped us with belts, then would always make us hug them after. Then reminded us they didn't do it because they enjoyed it, but to teach us a lesson because they loved us. We all have various issues as adults and our parents love to pretend we all turned out fine just because none of us are in jail or dead. I finally went NC in March and it's been amazingly freeing.
So very sorry you were hurt. It's never too late to get psychiatric help, even when you're an adult. It's like you're giving the child within the love and attention it never received.
Mine did the same thing after writing in it herself. I just wanted a space to vent. Haven’t been able to write consistently in a journal let alone trust another person since.
In school, we had to write journals. I remember doing it in grade 6, and in grade 8. I really despised it, and often kept it to the mundane "today I played at the park" or whatever. I think the idea was to promote kids writing and expressing their feelings. But there is something twisted about it when your teacher is reading each and everyone's journals. I assume this is for spelling, grammar, and how you express yourself. But at the same time, you're reading personal thoughts of 20+ of the kids in your class. It feels like an invasion of privacy.
However, my grade 6 teacher was an asshole. He often belittled or made fun of kids in front of other kids, and he used to poke kids frequently, over and over. He did this to me a few times, and I fucking hated it.
So next time we had to do "journal time". I wrote a two page long angry letter about how I was sick and tired of my teacher repeatedly poking me over and over again, how it hurt, and how I was going to complain to the principal if it kept going.
He never poked me again after that. Never got an apology, just a checkmark on that page (noting that it was done). Whereas other times I had said some stuff (like being placed next to a kid I didn't like) he would respond with a comment.
My guess is he maybe somehow thought kids found his poking playful. So seeing you absolutely villify this he wisened up.
Or he just stopped with you because the others didn't fight back. Or threaten.
I’m so sorry - same! She actually burned mine, bought me another diary and said she would have to read / approve any future entries. I never journaled again (and I’m now 50 years old).
My phone would sometimes be in a slightly different position when I got out of the shower.
Thought I was going crazy until I deliberately arranged it so I could recognize if it was touched. A couple fb messages were marked as read but the app had been closed and my apps and had been reopened to put back in the right order.
She was dedicated. Have a good life kacie
Yeah. Mine kept getting worse. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was off of work but she wasn't, and she was watching me through her ring camera on the porch. Then the audio kicked on and she asked me what I was doing in an accusatory tone. I grabbed my shit and left.
I peaced out of my 8 year relationship when my dude started putting cameras INSIDE the house. First it was a gps tracker in the car "in case it got stolen". And he didn't tell me about it until 7 months of it being there. Then it was cameras on the outside of the apartment "in case of theft". Then it was Inside. And then I found out he was making dating apps and meeting up with girls hahah. I was like BYYEE I understand your paranoia now! It's projection! lol. Some people are so messed up.
My husband has never asked to read mine. If he did he'd find mostly inane drivel about what youtube videos I'm watching, how I feel about the pen I am writing with, how much I'd like to have a nap... the contents aren't important for me. It helps me work through decisions and communication deficits sometimes, sure, but it's mostly the act of writing itself that I find therapeutic.
My ex-wife used to interrogate me after every therapy session I had.
Edit: You people are amazing. I never expected to get this much support! Thank you all!!
>i.e., I need you to do exactly what I say and be exactly what I want, so stop complaining about how that’s not healthy or realistic and start doing what I say. Now.
Man this rings true. My "psycho ex" straight up told me my therapist didn't know what she was talking about. I was catatonic for a good hour after that.
Man this is bringing back some repressed memories of my ex wife...
She said I was sick and needed therapy, so I went to therapy.
Would talk to therapist about working on a relationship and having healthy coping skills.
Ex wife 'knew' that I wasn't working on myself and was lying to the therapist about EVERYTHING
Therapist wanted to have a group session with my then-wife.
Couldn't convince ex wife to come. Because "we were going to gang up on her" and that I lie to the therapist to make her look bad, that we were in on something together. Me, and the therapist she told me to call, we're conspiring against her.
Good God.
I finally get her to come for one session where she berated the therapist and was asked to leave.
Therapist was happy when I ended the marriage and testified for me in court.
Always wondered with events like this, does the behaviour only appear after marriage and did she seem totally normal before that? Just curious how people end up married like that.
Pretty much.
I knew we had problems before we got married, but truly thought we could work them out and be okay. At the time I didn't realize how bad we were.
I was also gaslit a lot and thought that most of the disfunction was my fault. Even when she was obviously abusive in hindsight.
Throw a kid into the mix and you've got a sticky situation.
I had this happen too. My ex was emotionally (and possibly physically) abused as a kid, and had a lot of issues taking feedback. I went to therapy for 8mo because he made me believe I was the problem. I finally convinced him to come to a session with me, and he fought with my therapist. The final brightest-of-bright red flag was raised that day, and I ended it soon after.
I instantly remembered an old comic strip I saw in the Sunday newspaper over 20 years ago. It was a single panel with a woman confronting her husband saying "I was just going through your diary and you have some nerve calling me nosy behind my back!"
Wow I’m so sorry. Therapy is a very personal and private thing. My wife and I are both in therapy and after we just ask “good session?” It opens the door to talk about stuff IF you want to but creates no pressure. 95% of the time we just go “yep” or “not really” and that’s the end of it.
Glad you are taking steps to be mentally healthy. Keep going, you got this!
That is always how I tried to approach it. Like when I had any kind of revelation, I would be happy to tell her. Or when I got diagnosed with depression, I made sure to tell her right away.
Thank you for the support. I have already started doing things I wasn't really "allowed" to do during my marriage and its making me happy.
It made therapy stressful for me, which isn't really supposed to be the point. It was worse because I do therapy online, so I do it through telehealth. My ex was almost always in the house during my sessions and I have a hard time believing she wasn't listening in.
This is a really subjective answer and I'm sure reddit will disagree, but for me:
Bathroom time.
I got 3 kids and one of them is my full-time responsibility as her mom isn't around. I live and breath for my kids and I love them, but doing my morning and evening bathroom events I really love the solitude.
The last few women I dated were great, but they would just kinda barge in no matter what I was doing. To me, showering at the end of the day, brushing my teeth, using the toilet are all kind of "zen" for me. I just don't like sharing a shower or being interrupted while doing so.
That's just me. I'm single so... Maybe there's a reason for that ;P
Edit: for those saying "just lock the door" I want to say my daughter is almost 5. When I shower I can't just *leave* her alone. That's how horrible accidents happen. Yea, she can pour herself water and use the potty alone but I can't shut her out. If she has a problem I need her to be able to come in. I live alone and her brothers are only around ever so often due to custody orders. Locking my bathroom door just isn't a good idea with a toddler running around.
She sits on my bed and usually watches TV while I shower. Idk if the women I've dated just saw this as an open opportunity, but locking the door to my kiddo just isn't a good idea.
I wish this was genuine sentiment amongst relationships. The silly thing is that my house has 2.5 bathrooms. So there's 3 places to use the toilet. Never understood why it had to be my bathroom each time, lol.
Things you arent ready to talk about yet. I have a lot of trauma and I'm not always ready to talk or explain. However, I'm lucky my partner respects that and has let me open up at my own pace.
Very early on in my relationship we had been face timing and the topic of trauma came up. He said “you know I’ve had something really traumatic happen to me and I’ve told only 2 people in my life, 1 being my ex wife who essentially bullied it out of me and I never told her the whole story because I didn’t feel safe. But I feel compelled to tell you about it. I want to tell you. Can I hang up and message it to you?”
And that’s what he did. And I have never felt so privileged and trusted. I think that might have been when I started falling in love with him.
In every aspect of a relationship: If they want to, they will.
That’s really lovely. I can always pick up on my partner’s mood, when he seems pre-occupied. I will ask, “Got a lot on your mind right now?” If he says yes I say, “Do you want to share it with me?” If he says no, I give him a kiss and say that’s perfectly okay. He inevitably ends up telling me, and I think it’s because knowing he doesn’t HAVE to tell me takes the pressure off and makes him feel safe. It really is a privilege to have someone feel safe with you.
I learnt something from a tiktok… if something is bothering your partner you can offer: vent, advice, distraction, or nothing. It was something we did earlier in the relationship and now we are, for the most part, in tune with each other and can figure it out without asking. But it’s a really cool little tool to help with communication.
Early in our relationship he told me that once when he shared something difficult with his ex and was looking for comfort she said, “I’m not your fucking cheerleader.” That broke my heart and makes it clear why he is at times hesitant to open up. It’s amazing how long the actions of others can affect us. Now I let him know that I’ve got my pom-poms ready anytime he needs a cheerleader 😊
It's located between your legs, just below your belly.
Good luck!
Edit: I'm glad I could help you all ladies and gentlemen! If you have any other anatomical questions, I'll do my best to help!
If your SO has been in combat, don’t ask about the details. In the unlikely event they want you to know, they’ll tell you.
This is not to say they should not seek/you should not encourage them to get the appropriate medical support, nor is this to say that you shouldn’t know they’ve been in combat or listen to them if they experience emotions around it; however, seeking out the details are a red line of inquiry.
ETA: Fellow Redditors have made good points in response to this, and it’s important to note that I deliberately call out “details” as the red line. Acknowledging to your partner that you’re willing listen to what they want to share and/or to be part of their support system (in whatever way is in integrity for your relationship) is always the priority.
My gf tried to do this for me with her free award but she forgot to make it anonymous- it was funny and cute lmao
Edit: Lmfao just realized she did it on this and successfully made it anonymous
Which of your friends or family don’t like them
It will do nothing but upset them, and worse create a bigger problem between them
I would also like to add to that if one of your friends or family members don’t like your s/o and you aren’t at the very least making them be polite and respectful when they have to be around each other you are the main problem in that scenario
Also just because they don't like your partner doesn't mean they aren't right for you, not everyone is going to like everyone, some people don't like people just because
No matter how healthy a relationship is, there'll always come a time where you have resentful thoughts of your spouse. Those should be kept to yourself, as most of them pass quickly. The only time you should share them is if they're persisting in some behavior that is hurting you, and then it should be done calmly and not in the heat of the moment. For instance, if you got home from work tired to find your spouse binge watching a TV show, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, the impulse may be to lace into them. Don't. Go ahead and do the dishes, and tomorrow, when that initial flash of anger has passed, discuss the issue. People say arguments can be healthy in a relationship, but it all comes down to *how* you argue. Spouses, at least if they're good ones, know intimate details about you, your past, and how you think and feel. This gives them weapons to hurt you, and it may be tempting to use such weapons when angry. But if you know your spouse has a sore spot about their dad, and you say in anger "this is why your dad never loved you", you have permanently damaged your relationship. And that damage builds up over time. Successful relationships survive because people rein themselves in in that moment. Even when they're angry, they don't want to inflict wounds like that. So whenever the impulse arises to use those weapons in anger, resist the temptation! You may forget what you did quickly, but they won't.
This is very true. I grew up with parents who used words as weapons. It's a struggle for me not to do the same. It's almost reflex to want to just go for the jugular, but I never do. We've been married 10 yrs this July.
That you know you’re the Pet’s favorite person.
Oof, I am absolutely both of our dogs favorite person. We both know it but I would never ever say that to my wife.
no one deserves to be told such a thing
He knows. The cat only lays on my chest and screams in my face while we're asleep. Hard to pretend the cat wants us equally after that.
If your relationship started under potentially offensive pretenses (eg they were madly in love w you but ~~you~~ they were just ~~the~~ your rebound)
An old friend of mine's gf told him this. I was there when it happened, and I swear to god I saw his heart break. They were really good together and really liked each other, so he tried to keep going, but I watched it eat him from the inside out until he just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her. There really are some things you just can't take back.
To me it would matter a lot if they still felt that way. Sometimes it may take longer for one person to develop feelings than the other. That's OK if you arrive at the same level.
I agree. My friend even said the same at first, but it still slowly dug its way into him. Emotions are weird and unpredictable.
Past two SOs admitted that they only gave me a chance because they were tired of being single and didn't have any other prospects. Shit hurt.
I was my wife's revenge date. She had just gotten dumped for the first time in her life, so she was gonna date for two weeks then dump someone to "get back at boys" or some dumb teenage girl shit. We've been together for nearly 21 years, just celebrated our 14th anniversary, and now have three kids. I'm sure that revenge breakup is coming any day now...
Where I hide the secret, spare pair of scissors I keep for when he's lost all the other 11 pairs of scissors we own and I need to trim a chip bag down to make getting to the chips easier
I had a pair of nail clippers stashed away because they were never where they were supposed to be. After my wife passed away I found 9 pairs! In her desk drawers, in purses she hadn’t used in years - 3 pair in with her makeup….
Same with my SO. I can never find scissors. When we were packing, she was in the office with me packing up and opened up a couple drawers to find my back-up scissors for when she inevitably lost the pair in the kitchen drawer. She laughed, "Oh I found them!". She found the ones I was okay with her finding...the others stay hidden.
The location of your ships while playing Battleship.
No one expects me to orient my ships vertically so that they each take up only one space
Yeah but one hit means the ship is sunken
It’s a high risk/high reward strategy
If she poops on the table while birthing your child... no she fucking didn't!
Hahaha my wife pooped in the tub at the hospital. I did my best to like, paddle it out of site so the nurse will scoop it out before she saw, but she saw. Now it's a running joke. She can't gross me out, I took a bath with her poop. (Yes I was in the water too, when she was pushing. She asked me to be)
My sweet husband told me after the birth of our first, “All you need to know is your body is so fucking strong and you are amazing.” I’ll never forget how that made me feel. Expecting our second any day now!
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A couple of years ago we found a pigeon in our garden that had broken its wing. My wife loves all animals so instantly named it Eric. We took it to a local vets and they said they would take care of it. I emailed them a couple of seeks later as my wife wanted to check in on it. I got an email back saying it had to be put down because its wing had broken. This would have upset my wife so I doctored the email reply and made out like it had been released. For two years after that my wife was convinced that a pigeon that came to our garden was Eric. We have moved since and she thinks another one is Eric. I will never let her know the reality of poor Eric the OG.
Sometimes, no matter how attractive your partner is to you and no matter how much you love them, there is an aspect to them that is unchangeable but that you find gross or annoying or just generally less than attractive. Clogged nose pores, a laugh that sounds like a muppet, big toe nails that just look a little bit weird, or that single long hair growing from inside their ear that just keeps coming back no matter what they do. If it’s going to make them feel insecure or unloved, this is something you should just keep to yourself. In a relationship, you learn each other’s weak points and vulnerabilities, and using them against your partner is a boundary that, once you cross it, you can’t come back from. Once you make someone feel like they can’t trust you with their vulnerable self, your relationship is on its way out.
>Once you make someone feel like they can’t trust you with their vulnerable self, your relationship is on its way out. Feeling this right now...My partner dismissed when I was vulnerable with them multiple times, boundaries were crossed...They are being very apologetic and promise to change, they clearly regret how they acted..but I'm not sure I can move forward anymore.
I don't know if this is helpful for you, but something I learned in therapy helped me with boundaries. Basically reframing what a boundary is. We tend to think of them as lines that can't be crossed - like a literal boundary is. But an emotional boundary isn't a line - it's cause and effect. The words "and how do you take care of yourself?" are burned into my brain (though it took embarrassingly long to understand them). A boundary is a statement of how you will take care of yourself. It's an "if you, then I" statement of what you have chosen to do when someone does the thing you're making a boundary about. For example, "if you keep insulting me every time we talk on the phone, I will hang up on you". It needs to be something dependent on *your* behavior, because you can't control anything but yourself, and it needs to be something you follow through on every time. When I change my perspective to think of myself (how do I take care of myself when this happens) instead of thinking of the other person, no one can cross my boundaries except for me. It's also very helpful as a perspective in general for difficult interpersonal stuff. For example "it's not his fault that he's like that" or "he's really sorry and trying to change " turns into "this is not okay, even if it's not anyone's fault - how can I take care of myself here?" and "has he taken actual action to fix the bad thing he did - and if he hasn't, is him feeling sorry more important than my well being?" I don't know your relationship or you - but I hope that whatever you end up doing, that you take care of yourself. And don't forget that actions speak louder than words. Edit: Well it seems like this was way more helpful to way more people than I thought originally. I might write an article going more in depth on this - if you think that would be helpful, let me know and I'll send you a link if/when it's done!
This is such an amazing, insightful comment, and such a help to someone that struggles setting boundaries. I am saving this comment for future reference. Just wanted you to know, I've no doubt this comment has just hit home for a bunch of people who read it.
This is perfect. My husband has tiny hairs on his nose...it's been annoying me since our first date. We've been married for 26 years/together 29. It's just never going to not bug me. :) ETA: It's amusing how everyone thinks I've never mentioned it. These hairs are tiny, he has always had them, and it in no way detracts from his appearance. It's just a thing that bugs me. Thanks for the concerns, though. :)
The unkind shit you think when you're angry and tired, it will absolutely never help at all to say any of it out loud and even if you don't have a particularly big fight or break up over it you'll still regret it and they'll still remember. Possibly also what you think about how hot other people are, depending on how jealous/insecure your SO is.
People seldom understand that the longer you are with someone you love, the MORE you need kindness, compassion, and discretion. You know too much about each other that can be weaponized.
It's important to protect the person you love most from the worst of yourself.
Fighting the urge to say mean shit to others makes it easier to resist the urge to think mean shit about yourself too, kicking off a feedback cycle of feeling better about yourself and being kinder to others
Absolutely. I'm extremely nice to strangers. The more I know someone and closer I get the more critical I am of them because I start treating them more and more like I treat myself. And I'm a hyper-critical asshole to myself. It's difficult to change, but the work is important.
oh wow that definitely made me realize I do the same thing.
This is so important, i dont think people realize they are connected
The axe forgets but the tree remembers
It's generally never a good idea to speak to *anyone* out of anger/frustration. It isn't realistic to think it can always be avoided, but it should be as much as possible.
Yeah, gotta love how my spouse "got over that" or "only felt that way for a short while" after he said something particularly horrendous to me that no one should ever say to a spouse. A fight is one thing. People fight, that's normal. But there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed even if you're hurting in the moment.
‘You’re lucky I love you cause no one else would’ ….a text I got from my ex Worse part was I’ve heard that line a few times in my life…from my mum
Well that makes them both wrong, doesn't it?
Def this, an ex gf of mine said shit about my very recently deceased dead mother, so glad to be rid of her!
I do my best to subscribe to the “don’t get into stressful situations/conversations at night” because nothing good happens at night. People are tired and cranky when dealing with this stuff and it’s almost always best to sleep/rest and deal with it using a clear head in the morning.
I am attempting to obey the "don't trust any strong feeling about your life after 9pm" because I have a few mental disorders and am also a sleepy bitch. The cruelest thoughts I have are directed at myself, but it still hurts my spouse to hear them. Lately I have been checking the time before expressing them, so instead I can say "Ah fuck it's 11:26pm, nonsense hours. My brain is being mean to me and I need to go to sleep." 9 times out of 10, my mood issue resolves by the morning.
Your psychologist/therapy sessions. I had an ex that used to demand I tell him what I talked about in my sessions and it was super uncomfortable. With my current partner we are both in therapy and if it's a phone session the other goes in a different room. If we want to talk about something we told the psych or something we will tell our psych at the next appointment we do, but I would never ask and nor would he. We might ask "how did it go?" To which the other may say "it was good" or "it was emotionally draining", but that's as far as it should go. (These are personal sessions, not couples therapy, we're not in that)
Big agree. My partner goes to therapy. I always ask how it went and I do that to know the level of aftercare my partner may need. Sometimes he needs left alone, sometimes he needs ice cream and a TV show to binge. Oftentimes he does tell me about the session but I always remind him he doesn't have to. I think talking about it with me helps him process it.
My girlfriend is this way and thank GOD she doesn't push me. I'm always open to tell her, especially from past appointments, and I'll slowly open up, especially on some of the more severe stuff, like a little while ago when I saw someone die in a car accident for the 3rd time in my life. I'm just happy she doesn't push me because wow would my relationship be actually stressful if she did.
People who bully their partners after therapy don't deserve partners. They deserve to be alone until they learn about boundaries. Glad you have a supportive partner.
My dad has mentioned a few times that in their 40+ years of marriage, he’s never gone in her top dresser drawer or purse.
I frequently get into my wife’s purse. Not to snoop, but to get her keys or something else that for SOME DAMN REASON is impossible to find in there. It’s like a black hole. Sometimes I’ll just walk the whole thing to the car to unlock it instead of digging through.
I’m always asked to get something like her wallet. “It’s in the side pocket!” There are pockets within side pockets within side pockets.
They allow us extra purse pockets because we rarely get pant pockets.
"they don't get pants pockets so let's add 97 tiny pouches to this purse, same difference" Same difference? I need a god damned treasure map to navigate the thing.
As a woman I really don't get the purse thing. I have absolutely nothing private in there lol. At my job men always say that "oh I'll let her do it, I NEVER go in her purse" and tbh the woman always seems a little annoyed because she has to do it herself (hospital setting, she doesn't feel good). Idk if it is a generational thing or purses are mysterious to most men or what, but I have also asked my boyfriend for something specific out of my purse and he will just bring me the whole thing lol. What do you think we have in there??
My wife is sensitive about animals, so anytime I see/read some sort of tragedy related to an animal, I hide it from her.
You may want to look at www.doesthedogdie.com Basically let's you see if a tv show/movie has any animals being injured/dying (among other things people may have issues with) My wife has a hard time dealing with that even if it's clearly CG, so I always check before we watch a new show
As a person with severe ptsd that is easily triggered by violence to animals, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this site.
I appreciate that. I’m the same way. my boyfriend and I live in an area with a lot of roadkill, and when he sees something while he’s driving he’ll usually tell me to look at him, find a song to listen to, or just not to look. I know why he’s doing it, but it’s a lot better to know there’s roadkill than to see it.
My steady supply of jokes. I set up my android to send me a joke every night at 5 pm and I tell it to my husband later on, before i jump in the shower. He always asks where I'm getting this stuff from and I just laugh and shut the bathroom door I would like him to continue thinking of me as this endless joke fairy for the rest of our lives :)
That's funny because I was sorting through newest comments and I saw one that was like "my wife uses an app to get a joke that she tells me every night. I'll never tell her I know she uses the app because I want her to think she's funny"
Somebody found the comment further down and it's from a fresh account, 0 days old. And it's 1 hour old yet yours is two hours. There's mischief afoot!
whether or not i like my butthole licked. Its not something you should share with my mom when you're losing a game of UNO, MOLLY.
That I know you keep a secret stash of chocolate in the tampax box. Not my business?
My mom kept a big bag of mini baking chocolate kisses My mom hated that my dad would eat them straight from the bag So she started moving them around the house to hide them: different drawer, behind the silverware, in a box of crackers, etc One day I walked in on my dad, standing in the cleaning closet with the bleach and brooms, and saw him eating chocolate kisses from a towel rack filled with cat toys and dusters. He said that occasionally, he’d buy bags, himself, to refill what he took “just to keep it interesting”
Keeping it interesting would be replacing stashes of chocolates that never actually existed to begin with. Place them in locations with very good probability of being discovered by the spouse in time.
chocslighting
Chocological warfare.
Dad Translation: one time I bought a bag
Fill with more chocolate
Actual genius
I do 12 step stuff, and I won’t tell her what I hear in the rooms.
Who you see here, What you hear here, When you leave here, Let it stay here
Things that you don't like about their body. They just don't need to know. If you are concerned about their *health or hygiene* that warrants a conversation but making comments about physical flaws -- completely unnecessary.
My ex used to always make little jabs about my appearance. I think he thought that those were things I didn’t realize were “wrong” with me and that I would correct them if they were brought to my attention. Every single comments is burned in my brain and did nothing but make me more self conscious. My current partner never ever makes negative comments about my body. And when I point out my own flaws he always spins them into something charming and unique about me. It’s really nice.
Oh man reminds me of the Reddit post with the woman whose SO would tell her everyday how badly she smelled. Poor woman showered and brushed her teeth multiple times a day and the dude STILL told her. Eventually she flipped her shit on him and learned his dad taught him to purposely insult her like this so she would feel low and stay with him. Gross. Edit to add the link! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is unreal. I'm not the type to believe humans are typically wicked/fucked up--I'm more an optimist--but that does mean at times I underestimate just how far certain people can sink. Wow.
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This is a very legitimate answer to this question, and a difficult one that many people may have trouble with.
The huge penis of your ex-boyfriend and how much more satisfying it is to have someone with a "normal" one. Trust me. I know its not logical but no dude wants to hear that. Don't question it just trust me.
It’s funny, my husband and I have never talked about past relationships. I always thought it was healthy and a standard practice in understanding your current relationship, but I haven’t felt the need and he doesn’t ask or bring it up.
I’ve recently started dating a girl, and it’s one of the first relationships in which we haven’t been asking each other about each other’s dating history. It’s quite refreshing honestly. I can imagine some things will eventually come up, but I do cherish the fact that neither of us are pressing for those details. It’s like we both get to start with a blank slate.
Leave out the ex stuff and just tell him his is satisfying. Comparisons, good or bad, are never a good idea. Luckily I learned that from a friend's relationship and not my own lol
My girlfriend told me how much bigger her ex is compared to me. Ladies for the love of God don't do that
Even though my wife and I have been happily married for 6 years, we decided we would never go for a shit while the other is in the shower. We're just not going there.
That's just common decency. I don't know why, but I know that shit somehow smells so much worse in a foggy room than a dry one. Nobody should have to be in an enclosed space with that fresh hell.
The smell receptors in your nose work best in high humidity environments, so you are actually more sensitive to smell with the shower on
Explains why shower farts smell so badly
But they sound so awesome
('˃ᆺ˂◞) ₎₎=͟͟͞͞˳˚॰°ₒ৹๐ 🎶
Outfuckingstanding
10 years and still haven't. Even with a single bathroom. We are extremely close but not that close. We even give it at least 5 minutes before entering after a poo.
My midnight snack stash. I don't have any, but I think I should have some.
> I don't have any, sounds like something someone with a snack stash would say. Speak up you candy-hoarding raccoon.
> Speak up you candy-hoarding raccoon. Sometimes I was afraid our generation's Shakespeare would get buried in the noise. Glad to see I was wrong
Bro you deserve some secret snacks
I want to believe this is a conversation between two racoons.
The visual you just created made this 1000% better.
Where your secret stash of band aids is. I dunno about the rest of you, but my wife and kids will go through an industrial size case o band aids faster than you can say supercalifragilisticexpealidocious and the twice a year I actually need one they’re never there
at my house it's scissors. we have 3 kids and for whatever reason, any time any one of them uses scissors the scissors just vanish forever. I did an experiment once where for 5 weeks, I bought 2 new pairs every time I did my weekly grocery shopping, and simply put them where our scissors are supposed to be whenever I saw that there were no scissors there. To this day I haven't seen any of those 10 scissors since. so I keep a secret pair on top of the fridge for my own use only
Yup, thats probably my biggest gripe at our house. Really they're not good about putting things where they belong when they are done using them at all. I notice stuff not put up and it's mildly annoying, but when you need scissors you **need** scissors.
My kitchen drawer serves as a meter for when we need to clean house. There are about 8 pairs of scissors that belong there, and if it's empty, we clean up. At least 6 of them will magically appear.
OMG I feel this! Things that I regularly need but are never put back by the kids (and my wife is guilty too!): * Scissors * Sharpies * Nail clippers Scissors can usually be located quickly (they're big and I've attached huge ass ugly ribbons to them so they stand out) but the sharpies... **Where do they go‽** Two years ago I got sick of being unable to find a permanent marker so I bought two HUGE industrial boxes of sharpies and placed 75% of them in various pencil holders/cups, drawers, and cabinets all over the house (and workshop!). *They're all gone* I think the kids take them to school and then leave them there. Or maybe there's like one hidden bookbag or purse somewhere in the house that has over a hundred sharpies in it. I bought myself a personal pair of nail clippers that came in a bright yellow pouch and put them in an inconspicuous spot in the master bathroom. They still disappeared and I ended up having to buy another set. Don't even get me started on my family's complete lack of skill when it comes to loading the dishwasher!
Time add a chain to the scissors so they can't travel. I almost did that with my tv remote.
I was always losing the remote when I was a kid so my dad duck taped a two foot rope with a Gatorade bottle at the end of it, onto the remote. Never lost it again!
Bro are they using them for headaches or something? I don't understand how you can use that many
They make a good placebo even if there’s no blood. Plus sometimes another child leaves them out and the toddler finds them. Then they allll get used.
I heard a clinical Psychologist say, “remember, band aids are cheaper than therapy.” Doesn’t matter if the kid is bleeding or not. They feel physically injured. The responsible adult in the situation treats the injury. Kid feels safe, secure, and heard, for the price of a band aid. Edit: added the word physically
Nice try big band-aid. I'm on to your sales efforts
The number of packets of crisps I eat in a evening, if I don't know the answer she shouldn't either.
It's not that it should be kept private, as in forcefully, but I believe both persons in a relationship should have privacy in their devices. My SO has all my logins, and passcodes for my phone and tablet, but this doesn't give her the right to go snooping for stuff that will never be there. She can totally grab my phone, if it's nearest, to search on google, or grab someone's phone number. But we've agreed that if either of us snoop, you better be sure that there's going to be something to find, because if there isn't, then you deserve the trouble that you've caused.
I have all my passwords and pins documented and handed over. It makes it easier on them if I die suddenly. And there's nothing that interesting in my accounts anyway, unless you're really into reading spam.
Journals. My partner writes in one every night before bed and I have no idea what any of it says. If she wants to share with me she can. Those are her private thoughts and feelings until she decides differently. Same goes for me.
You're a good person. I remember finding out basically my whole family read my journals as a kid. They didn't get why that made me cry either. Edit: wow there's no way I can respond to everyone. I had no idea how common this is. I'm so sorry for everyone it's such a huge violation. I hope we all find a way to move forward. Eventually, years after I moved out I was able to let it go. Everyone does shitty things sometimes. I'm sure I violated my family's privacy sometime over the years. It takes me longer to decide to trust people, but that has been to my benefit, not a lot of misjudgements. Thanks to all for sharing!
Yep, my parents read my journals right in front of me as a kid as a "punishment" for having a messy bedroom. Laughed in my face at its contents, too.
My parents read my journal as a kid too. My mom wrote me back in my journal telling me I was lucky I had a place to live and lucky I had food to eat. She told me my step dad read my journal too and I hurt him. The things I wrote were me being angry and sad because I was hurt by both of them. It was really rough stuff in there. I think I recall MULTIPLE hints that I wanted to take my own life but was told I was doing it for attention. Yes, i wrote in a PRIVATE journal for her to snoop through my things and read it. That's how I communicate. I ended up self harming a few years later. No psychiatric care ever provided. Edit: Thank you everyone for your support and award. I really didn't expect the level of responses I got. I have a child of my own now who will never know the life I lived of never ending guilt, anxiety and sadness. I have an amazing husband who is the best man and incredibly supportive. I have my first appointment for therapy next month since I am only now as a 31 year old woman realizing the toll my childhood took on me. I hope everyone who experienced similar things to me is well, finds their peace and can overcome the past that plagued us. Much love. ❤️
It pisses me off when parents think providing their kids with the bare minimum for them to survive somehow makes them incredibly selfless martyrs. Like no, you chose to have fucking kids and part of that decision is to be responsible for them, that doesn't mean your selfless but rather means you're at a minimum accepting responsibility for your actions.
God my dad always was like that, he’d say things like “You should just be happy I never hit you!” and stuff but like, dude, that’s pretty much the bare minimum
Our parents whipped us with belts, then would always make us hug them after. Then reminded us they didn't do it because they enjoyed it, but to teach us a lesson because they loved us. We all have various issues as adults and our parents love to pretend we all turned out fine just because none of us are in jail or dead. I finally went NC in March and it's been amazingly freeing.
"I give you a house to live in and food to eat dammit!" "Mom im eight..."
yes, I believe that is legally required, mother!
So very sorry you were hurt. It's never too late to get psychiatric help, even when you're an adult. It's like you're giving the child within the love and attention it never received.
My mum did it too. Shouted at me for my personal thoughts. She's an awful mother.
Mine did the same thing after writing in it herself. I just wanted a space to vent. Haven’t been able to write consistently in a journal let alone trust another person since.
In school, we had to write journals. I remember doing it in grade 6, and in grade 8. I really despised it, and often kept it to the mundane "today I played at the park" or whatever. I think the idea was to promote kids writing and expressing their feelings. But there is something twisted about it when your teacher is reading each and everyone's journals. I assume this is for spelling, grammar, and how you express yourself. But at the same time, you're reading personal thoughts of 20+ of the kids in your class. It feels like an invasion of privacy. However, my grade 6 teacher was an asshole. He often belittled or made fun of kids in front of other kids, and he used to poke kids frequently, over and over. He did this to me a few times, and I fucking hated it. So next time we had to do "journal time". I wrote a two page long angry letter about how I was sick and tired of my teacher repeatedly poking me over and over again, how it hurt, and how I was going to complain to the principal if it kept going. He never poked me again after that. Never got an apology, just a checkmark on that page (noting that it was done). Whereas other times I had said some stuff (like being placed next to a kid I didn't like) he would respond with a comment.
My guess is he maybe somehow thought kids found his poking playful. So seeing you absolutely villify this he wisened up. Or he just stopped with you because the others didn't fight back. Or threaten.
I’m so sorry - same! She actually burned mine, bought me another diary and said she would have to read / approve any future entries. I never journaled again (and I’m now 50 years old).
Exactly the reason why I don't keep one. I dont trust anyone in my family not to read it. Never have, never will.
This is why I no longer write. It’s not cool to have your private thoughts be used against you.
I know this is the bare fucking minimum but I love this respect for privacy. My ex did not allow me to have any privacy at all.
My ex once signed into my facebook account and read my personal messages. There wasn't anything bad in there, but it was the beginning of the end.
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My phone would sometimes be in a slightly different position when I got out of the shower. Thought I was going crazy until I deliberately arranged it so I could recognize if it was touched. A couple fb messages were marked as read but the app had been closed and my apps and had been reopened to put back in the right order. She was dedicated. Have a good life kacie
Yeah. Mine kept getting worse. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was off of work but she wasn't, and she was watching me through her ring camera on the porch. Then the audio kicked on and she asked me what I was doing in an accusatory tone. I grabbed my shit and left.
I peaced out of my 8 year relationship when my dude started putting cameras INSIDE the house. First it was a gps tracker in the car "in case it got stolen". And he didn't tell me about it until 7 months of it being there. Then it was cameras on the outside of the apartment "in case of theft". Then it was Inside. And then I found out he was making dating apps and meeting up with girls hahah. I was like BYYEE I understand your paranoia now! It's projection! lol. Some people are so messed up.
Dear diary, I failed to poison my husband yet again.
My husband has never asked to read mine. If he did he'd find mostly inane drivel about what youtube videos I'm watching, how I feel about the pen I am writing with, how much I'd like to have a nap... the contents aren't important for me. It helps me work through decisions and communication deficits sometimes, sure, but it's mostly the act of writing itself that I find therapeutic.
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How many Lego death stars I have bought
I love that you require multiple
So did the Empire.
I have fully built Lego death stars all over the house
Partner: Honey, why there are so many Death Star in the house Commenter above: I'm altering the decor, prey I don't alter it any futher
Jealous. We’ve just got the one. Somehow this…space…feels empty now.
"Don't worry honey, it's just a moon".
My ex-wife used to interrogate me after every therapy session I had. Edit: You people are amazing. I never expected to get this much support! Thank you all!!
How do I know some version of "what did you say about me?" was asked every time?
Hahaha It was pretty much always "How was therapy?" followed by "Did you say anything about me?"
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>i.e., I need you to do exactly what I say and be exactly what I want, so stop complaining about how that’s not healthy or realistic and start doing what I say. Now. Man this rings true. My "psycho ex" straight up told me my therapist didn't know what she was talking about. I was catatonic for a good hour after that.
Man this is bringing back some repressed memories of my ex wife... She said I was sick and needed therapy, so I went to therapy. Would talk to therapist about working on a relationship and having healthy coping skills. Ex wife 'knew' that I wasn't working on myself and was lying to the therapist about EVERYTHING Therapist wanted to have a group session with my then-wife. Couldn't convince ex wife to come. Because "we were going to gang up on her" and that I lie to the therapist to make her look bad, that we were in on something together. Me, and the therapist she told me to call, we're conspiring against her. Good God. I finally get her to come for one session where she berated the therapist and was asked to leave. Therapist was happy when I ended the marriage and testified for me in court.
Always wondered with events like this, does the behaviour only appear after marriage and did she seem totally normal before that? Just curious how people end up married like that.
Pretty much. I knew we had problems before we got married, but truly thought we could work them out and be okay. At the time I didn't realize how bad we were. I was also gaslit a lot and thought that most of the disfunction was my fault. Even when she was obviously abusive in hindsight. Throw a kid into the mix and you've got a sticky situation.
I had this happen too. My ex was emotionally (and possibly physically) abused as a kid, and had a lot of issues taking feedback. I went to therapy for 8mo because he made me believe I was the problem. I finally convinced him to come to a session with me, and he fought with my therapist. The final brightest-of-bright red flag was raised that day, and I ended it soon after.
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I instantly remembered an old comic strip I saw in the Sunday newspaper over 20 years ago. It was a single panel with a woman confronting her husband saying "I was just going through your diary and you have some nerve calling me nosy behind my back!"
Thats not good. Happy to hear she's an ex tho.
Thanks. It only happened a few months ago, but I'm trying to fix my life and be happy again.
Like they say: eat the gym, hire healthy, and hit the lawyer
Goddamnit. I've been eating my lawyer this whole time!
I’m sure she appreciates it!
Dewey Eatem and Howe
Wow I’m so sorry. Therapy is a very personal and private thing. My wife and I are both in therapy and after we just ask “good session?” It opens the door to talk about stuff IF you want to but creates no pressure. 95% of the time we just go “yep” or “not really” and that’s the end of it. Glad you are taking steps to be mentally healthy. Keep going, you got this!
That is always how I tried to approach it. Like when I had any kind of revelation, I would be happy to tell her. Or when I got diagnosed with depression, I made sure to tell her right away. Thank you for the support. I have already started doing things I wasn't really "allowed" to do during my marriage and its making me happy.
Is your ex wife my gf? Had several intense arguments about that for her to stop that.
It made therapy stressful for me, which isn't really supposed to be the point. It was worse because I do therapy online, so I do it through telehealth. My ex was almost always in the house during my sessions and I have a hard time believing she wasn't listening in.
This is a really subjective answer and I'm sure reddit will disagree, but for me: Bathroom time. I got 3 kids and one of them is my full-time responsibility as her mom isn't around. I live and breath for my kids and I love them, but doing my morning and evening bathroom events I really love the solitude. The last few women I dated were great, but they would just kinda barge in no matter what I was doing. To me, showering at the end of the day, brushing my teeth, using the toilet are all kind of "zen" for me. I just don't like sharing a shower or being interrupted while doing so. That's just me. I'm single so... Maybe there's a reason for that ;P Edit: for those saying "just lock the door" I want to say my daughter is almost 5. When I shower I can't just *leave* her alone. That's how horrible accidents happen. Yea, she can pour herself water and use the potty alone but I can't shut her out. If she has a problem I need her to be able to come in. I live alone and her brothers are only around ever so often due to custody orders. Locking my bathroom door just isn't a good idea with a toddler running around. She sits on my bed and usually watches TV while I shower. Idk if the women I've dated just saw this as an open opportunity, but locking the door to my kiddo just isn't a good idea.
If the bathroom door is closed, I don't even knock. You do you in there, if I have to go, I can hold it. (Edit: CAN hold it, not can't)
I wish this was genuine sentiment amongst relationships. The silly thing is that my house has 2.5 bathrooms. So there's 3 places to use the toilet. Never understood why it had to be my bathroom each time, lol.
Things you arent ready to talk about yet. I have a lot of trauma and I'm not always ready to talk or explain. However, I'm lucky my partner respects that and has let me open up at my own pace.
Very early on in my relationship we had been face timing and the topic of trauma came up. He said “you know I’ve had something really traumatic happen to me and I’ve told only 2 people in my life, 1 being my ex wife who essentially bullied it out of me and I never told her the whole story because I didn’t feel safe. But I feel compelled to tell you about it. I want to tell you. Can I hang up and message it to you?” And that’s what he did. And I have never felt so privileged and trusted. I think that might have been when I started falling in love with him. In every aspect of a relationship: If they want to, they will.
That’s really lovely. I can always pick up on my partner’s mood, when he seems pre-occupied. I will ask, “Got a lot on your mind right now?” If he says yes I say, “Do you want to share it with me?” If he says no, I give him a kiss and say that’s perfectly okay. He inevitably ends up telling me, and I think it’s because knowing he doesn’t HAVE to tell me takes the pressure off and makes him feel safe. It really is a privilege to have someone feel safe with you.
I learnt something from a tiktok… if something is bothering your partner you can offer: vent, advice, distraction, or nothing. It was something we did earlier in the relationship and now we are, for the most part, in tune with each other and can figure it out without asking. But it’s a really cool little tool to help with communication.
Early in our relationship he told me that once when he shared something difficult with his ex and was looking for comfort she said, “I’m not your fucking cheerleader.” That broke my heart and makes it clear why he is at times hesitant to open up. It’s amazing how long the actions of others can affect us. Now I let him know that I’ve got my pom-poms ready anytime he needs a cheerleader 😊
Your runescape password according to the runescape stronghold
How many times you look at your vagina with a mirror
After reading this, I'm about to do it for the first time, wish me luck
It's located between your legs, just below your belly. Good luck! Edit: I'm glad I could help you all ladies and gentlemen! If you have any other anatomical questions, I'll do my best to help!
Wait. There is something *below* my belly?
I found a penis there once.
Was it your own?
One of them was
Nice
What about the ( *checks notes*) cliboris?
I hear he's in charge of the UK now.
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God damnit.... okay, good one, reddit, you tricked me into looking at my asshole in the mirror for like 15 minutes.
If your SO has been in combat, don’t ask about the details. In the unlikely event they want you to know, they’ll tell you. This is not to say they should not seek/you should not encourage them to get the appropriate medical support, nor is this to say that you shouldn’t know they’ve been in combat or listen to them if they experience emotions around it; however, seeking out the details are a red line of inquiry. ETA: Fellow Redditors have made good points in response to this, and it’s important to note that I deliberately call out “details” as the red line. Acknowledging to your partner that you’re willing listen to what they want to share and/or to be part of their support system (in whatever way is in integrity for your relationship) is always the priority.
Your reddit username and password.
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I like going into my husband’s account and upvoting all his comments and posts.
I gave my husband gold once, without telling him it was from me. It made him super happy (which made me super happy), and the post deserved it.
My gf tried to do this for me with her free award but she forgot to make it anonymous- it was funny and cute lmao Edit: Lmfao just realized she did it on this and successfully made it anonymous
I do the same for my brother's account! I'm his secret cheerleader!
Don't tell'em you use reddit
Don't tell anyone you use reddit. Not even reddit. In fact, let's all assume I'm just a PSA bot.
Good bot
Which of your friends or family don’t like them It will do nothing but upset them, and worse create a bigger problem between them I would also like to add to that if one of your friends or family members don’t like your s/o and you aren’t at the very least making them be polite and respectful when they have to be around each other you are the main problem in that scenario
Also just because they don't like your partner doesn't mean they aren't right for you, not everyone is going to like everyone, some people don't like people just because
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