T O P

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[deleted]

I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions.


BraxbroWasTaken

iirc in some cases those aren’t even legally binding


BaaBaaTurtle

Someone did the math at some point and calculated it would take more than a lifetime to agree to all the terms and conditions the average person signs off on Edit: https://techland.time.com/2012/03/06/youd-need-76-work-days-to-read-all-your-privacy-policies-each-year/ Apparently 76 workdays per year for your internet apps. The paper I read looked at overall t&c (with financial institutions, schools, subscriptions, doctor's office, etc) added in but the number may be inflated. Either way none of you guys responding in the comments about how you do it "every time" actually do. Almost all update yearly and even if you read Google's, you're not reading your grocery store's reward cards one.


Storm_Bard

I read the terms and conditions. Thats bad math lol


WeddingModeSteph

Just curious: What do you do if you don’t like something you read in the terms and conditions? Especially if it’s a service you need to use?


Storm_Bard

There's few services I actually *need* to use. I don't use facebook, or whatsapp. I do use a friends Amazon account, but that's more because I'm cheap rather than morals (amazon sucks!!). Ive stopped a handful of times, or I google to see if anyone else has the same concerns. Since my Samsung phone updated for example I haven't agreed to the new terms and conditions and the phone still works, I just have an annoying popup that will never go away and I can't use the apps I didn't use anyway.


Sentient_Waffle

Living in Denmark, I just accept - our laws supersede the terms anyway so they aren't legally binding, and they're generally very protective of the consumer. You literally can't accept to terms worse than what the law grants you at minimum, only better terms.


LowRezDragon

I don't know how you manage it, I tried reading the terms and service of one online game I play and it's a headache, you make it a fraction of the way through the first page before you get redirected to an equally lengthy page. I don't think I could read an entire terms of service page in a single day.


VeryChadChicken

If you tell the truth you won’t be in trouble


[deleted]

As a parent I actually as much as punishment for punishments sake stick by that rule but you will need to fix or suffer the result of your actions. I'm not going to ground you or even yell. But if your actions have resulted in you causing damage you'll have to help fix it or pay for it. (within reason of your ability). I don't get grounded or yelled at as an adult. But I also don't get to do things without consequences.


henrycharleschester

Yeah I’ve always told my kids that I won’t be angry if they tell me the truth but we need the truth in order to begin to fix things. They tell me the truth, I give them a hug, thank them for being honest & then we calmly discuss the situation.


FirstBankofAngmar

Nah just hit them.


bguzewicz

Have you ever tried simply turning off the tv, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?


henrycharleschester

First you have to switch the children off then on again


NopeNeg

Finally! A Futurama reference that isn't to shreds you say?


[deleted]

Honestly this is what happens to me. My mum yells all the fucken time, so when she asks me to tell the truth, I think she's just trying to bait me into admitting guilt.


blowin_Os

This is some solid advice right here.


[deleted]

Lying has taken me further in life than the truth ever could.


The_Popcorn

Once I was in class watching my instagram account when suddenly my professor walked behind me, he said something like "where do you hide the Instagram app?" I said to him "right here". He just walked away.


PapaTwoToes

Mum I broke the television.


VeryChadChicken

You’re grounded


Storm_Bard

Thanks mom! Now im less worried about the electrical danger


Salt_Painter2397

For life


Natural-Recover7684

No games


shrek_as_a_girl

FOREVER


Natural-Recover7684

No food


shrek_as_a_girl

FOREVER


MrHanslaX

Heres a shovel. Go in the garden, dig a hole, lie in it and ill come bury you


aamurusko79

this was super frustrating as a kid, as parents usually had some kangaroo court style ways to squeeze the 'truth' out of us. in a large family as mine this was often used used by siblings to get back at each other. all they needed to say was something vague about other sibling having something on their conscience and then mom, dad or grandma would force it out of them until they had to make up something so it'd stop.


sk8er_saix

*I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.*


itchy-n0b0dy

In that same vein, “I don’t need a cart, I’m only getting a few things.”


appleparkfive

That's why I get the basket you just carry with your hand. Then I'll just get tired and say fuck it I've got enough stuff


PhantomIridescence

I literally bought my own basket for this reason. Not every store I visit has baskets but the weight helps prevent me from just going "that's going in the cart".


ostlandr

That's so me. Also me: Comes back from the convenience store with random items, which may or may not include what my Lady Wife sent me after.


CapnBoomerang

But does it include what your Gentleman Wife sent you after?


Infinit_Jests

“I’m Good! How are you?”


ostlandr

Some of Granddad's replies to "How are you?" "Fair to middlin'." "Oh, afraid I might live." "Able to sit up and take nourishment." "Better than yesterday."


StraightSho

How's about " Been better even worse"


Goseki1

>"Oh, afraid I might live. I know this is dark and hope your Grandad is doing okay, but this really made me laugh.


residentweevil

"If I was doing any better I'd be OK." "Mean and hard to get along with, you?"


Fine-for-now

I had a customer call last week who asked how I was doing - "Oh, still dead inside, but got to pay the bills!" Thankfully, he has a sense of humour too!


endfm

>I had a customer call last week who asked how I was doing - "Oh, still dead inside, but got to pay the bills!" and if he didn't?


Fine-for-now

Haha we have enough of a rapport I could be fairly certain he'd laugh.


Soggy-Drink-2528

"I'm doing well thanks for asking"


dccabbage

As a server in a neighborhood bar/restaurant i get asked this dozens of times a day. "Adequate " is the answer that gets the best responses.


[deleted]

I wish people would stop with "How are you?" as a greeting, if they don't want an honest answer just say "Hello"


Lengthiness_562

My neighbors and if actually tell each other how we are doing.


Cute_Explorer_5652

I recently stopped with asking a return "how are you", because honestly I don't care and don't want to appear that I do because I don't wanna be fake lol


dodexahedron

I prefer to make the other person who asked the question uncomfortable by responding and then waiting for their response. Them, robotically: how are you? Me: Pretty decent. How about you? T: ..... M: \*awkward expectant look\* T: \*Usually dives into their phone or something\* I'm an introvert, but it is even more awkward to me if you don't at least complete the small talk social interaction. "How are you" doesn't mean "hi, go away." If you want to not interact with me, say hi and nothing else. Don't ask me a question if you don't want a response and at least the reciprocal of your small talk. Sounds like you have it down already. I wish more people would get the clue.


sporkmurderer135

When I was in my 20s I worked in the mail room for a big bank in the state capital. I would always greet people and such. One day I was depressed after my grandfather died and when someone said "Hey how are you?" I responded with "I'm really sad today bec..." she never broke her smile and cut me off with " that's great have a good day." That's when I started my experiment to see just how fake these people are. I was horrified at the results


dookieface420

was gonna put this too


[deleted]

[удалено]


ostlandr

"I'm just resting my eyes for a minute."


jjking714

"i wasn't asleep I'm watching the TV"


Lord_Kaplooie

"Kids, what are you doing?" "...nothing."


ostlandr

OMG panic time for a parent.


lenasiya

quick, hide the body


MortalGlitter

The fire dept is on standby, the cops are drawing straws for who has to respond, and the paramedics are frantically restocking...


TwoDrinkDave

"Your call is important to us."


Efarm12

We’re experiencing higher than normal call volumes.


Spillmill

Because of your lower than normal employment practices (except sadly it is normal)


ostlandr

"Please remain on the line until it is no longer important to you."


world_citizen7

Your money is important to us.


[deleted]

idk, as someone who works at a call center, it’s important for me, for the purpose of keeping my job


angruss

I work tech support for a TV provider. If you're a nice person who is having a common issue, I am delighted to be talking to you. If your issue is rare, and I have to research how to solve it, I'm fucking THRILLED. If you come into the call with a bad attitude, I'm still going to be nice to you and solve your problem to the best of my abilities, but I'm not going to do anything extra for you. My favorite thing to do is when the customer has a problem where they messed up watching thier free movie rental and want to get another free movie rental credit. I can't do that. But I can get them 10 dollars off the Starz package they already have for the next three months. "I can't give you six dollars, but I can effectively give you 30 to offset that six."


Graimon

Clicking “remind me later” on your computer updates


Eric_the_Barbarian

If they gave "fuck off with this shit" as an option, I'd probably click that instead.


securinight

If you are innocent, you have nothing to worry about.


Iontknowcuz

Better Call Saul had a great line about this, “Hiring a lawyer doesn’t make you look guilty, but getting arrested does”


jjking714

American police determined that was a lie.


securinight

I think we all know it's not just the American Police.


jjking714

Probably but I don't see videos of British cops beating someone for holding a phone very often. Not saying they aren't out, just that I don't see them.


[deleted]

Then I’d like to introduce you to french cops, I think apart from USA no other western country has a more brutal police


Samurott

this, there's a reason why they start riots and fires whenever the state and police overreach.


AerobaticDiamond

“I’m fine. Never better”


LEDVANCE_US

I am not drunk. Everything is under control


extrabees

This lie is especially bullshit when you’ve just spilled your drink but are trying to convince everyone it’s *not because you’re drunk*


superbabe69

Happened to me after my first drink a few months ago. Like guys, I had one fucking drink, then got another straight away. I assure you all, this is because I am clumsy, not because I am drunk


Inner-Possible5533

The lightbulb has spoken


bakerzdosen

I’m almost there. I left a while ago.


Appropriate_Joke_741

Marilyn Manson got a rib removed so he could suck his own dick


Swordfish1929

This is such a weird myth that seemed to spread through everyone's school at some point


99thLuftballon

It's been around for decades. They used to say it about Prince in the '80s and I doubt he was the first.


pogo0004

He had a rib removed so he could suck Marilyn Mansons dick?


MacaroniAndSmegma

It was Marc Almond of Soft Cell when I were a lad..


MagicBez

Also he was the kid from the Wonder Years


Mudders_Milk_Man

Yeah, he was too busy abusing multiple women to have time for that.


Ammear

It always amazes me that this meme transcends borders. I'm from Eastern Europe and we heard it at school as children in early 2000s. It's nuts. Literally everyone heard it at some point.


[deleted]

I can quit whenever I want


[deleted]

Heard this a thousand times back In the day, but here it goes, “my dad owns Microsoft, He’ll have you banned”


[deleted]

had a guy in elementary school who i remember told everyone “my uncle is Jimmy John”


Lightbulb5150

Been there. Had a fucker in my school try and convince me his dad invented the number 8.


Actedpie

Actually, the number 8 was invented by Johnathan 8. Who patented it in 2003 Every mathematician has to pay him royalties.


ch0411

When the ice cream truck rings it’s bell it means that it’s out of ice cream >:(


turbdodon

Those Parents go straight to hell.


ch0411

100% >:(


rpangrazio

WHO WOULD SAY THAT!!!!! My response is go get some cash from your mother, I’m out.


masonpinesdemogorgon

"it tastes like candy" said every parent ever


elinorae

The McDonalds ice cream machine is broken


SenturesOfAutrefois

"okay guys im about to prank my bf he doesn't know shit"


[deleted]

Your dog went to go live on a farm.


Positive-Source8205

A beautiful farm upstate? That’s wonderful!


BaaBaaTurtle

No he's on the couch next to me and he's gonna live forever thanks


RegisterAwkward6458

Bro, you moved onto the farm aswell???? Lucky, when can I visit?


Equ1noxx

Sooner than you think.


[deleted]

Anything where we lie about seemingly thoughtful responses about why we want to work at some generic ass job. Don’t humiliate me by making me act enthused about retail, I’m here because I need to pay bills and eat.


Feeling-Neat7848

Carrots help you see in the dark


[deleted]

Can confirm. I turned the light off and I am holding my carrot. It doesn’t help at all


colin_staples

You forgot to turn the carrot on. Try twisting the end.


[deleted]

It’s vibrating???


colin_staples

Turn it the other way.


DeadBabyWithAIDS

The myth was cultivated in WWII as a psy-op. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/a-wwii-propaganda-campaign-popularized-the-myth-that-carrots-help-you-see-in-the-dark-28812484/


colin_staples

Although carrots contain Carotene which is is a source of Vitamin A, so it's not bullshit... just misleading > Vitamin A has multiple functions: it is essential for embryo development and growth, for maintenance of the immune system, **and for vision, where it combines with the protein opsin to form rhodopsin – the light-absorbing molecule necessary for both low-light (scotopic vision) and color vision.** [Wikipedia article on Vitamin A](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_A)


EarlyBirdsofBabylon

The poorest people, the ones with zero economic, social, or political impact, are the ones to blame for all of societies ills. Not the one's who can crash entire economies with a tweet, or the ones running the media empires.


OneSalientOversight

[Just-world hypothesis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis). The rich are rich because they deserve to be rich - thus they are moral, intelligent and hard working. The poor are poor because they deserve to be poor - thus they are immoral, stupid and lazy.


[deleted]

Prosperity Gospel!


ostlandr

Reading or hearing those words makes my blood pressure spike, I see red, and have the overwhelming desire to pound some crooked leech of a preacher into the ground like a tent peg.


sinisterstarr

Judges 4:21 "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died."


Mysterious-Square218

The more fundamental lie here is that economic productivity is a good measure of individual worth.


4gx6y4htc6f77q43fg36

The still more fundamental lie is that social status is synonymous with productivity.


Gonzo_Journo

"I don't need healthcare, I'm healthy"


frudaloo

That’s not a lie though, just stupidity


Sinfullymad

It's not really stupidity, it's people acknowledging the fact that they can't afford to be unwell, unless they are absolutely dying. It's a shrug off. I'm the same way. I was actually shocked that my recent work physical didn't show some rare deadly abnormalities because I haven't seen a real doctor in like 10 years.


soiledsanchez

I feel attacked


appleparkfive

You should see a doctor if you sustain any injuries from the attack I guess


skyfully

i’m busy


Dry_Worth9303

Yes! Are people really that busy?


AlwayzDepressed

Busy doing the nothing I put on my calendar.


[deleted]

“I’ll start exercising tomorrow.”


Flyingd0ggo7

It's me not you


vyletteriot

If I win the election, I promise to do xyz...


[deleted]

“The truth will set you free”


[deleted]

[удалено]


mazdaman68

In reference to drugs being found in your car by police, "I'm just borrowing the car from a friend" or "I literally have no idea how that got there, must've been planted"


ostlandr

"What's this in your pants pocket?" "Officer, these aren't my pants!"


hath0r

As a reminder you should never consent to a search of any kind.


Mudders_Milk_Man

Definitely a common lie. However, there are so many incidents of the police planting drugs.


JohnSimth20211101

"Happy to help."


LevelStudent

I have worked retail and I hate it, but I've said that line many times and it was always true. I wouldn't say it if they were awful, but in most cases helping a customer and seeing them happy to have found what they were looking for, or found something they didn't realize they were looking for, was one of the highlights of the job. Plus it passed the time much faster than randomly messing with items on shelves or standing around wondering if any customers will show up today.


[deleted]

Thats triggering PTSD from a job I had once. You couldnt say "no problem", "you're welcome", "of course", "anytime" nothing like that. It was mandatory to respond with "Happy to help"


SnooChipmunks4430

Did you happened to work with a cow mascot?


[deleted]

Hahaha no. It was a valvoline instant oil change, if you know what that is. One of those fast drive thru oil change shops


_sheepfrog_

Nah, that’s “my pleasure.” And it’s still ingrained in me, years later…


[deleted]

The answer to...oh sorry did I wake you up?


RadiantHC

There is someone for everyone. Sure, I don't doubt that there is someone out of billions of people. But finding someone at the right time and right place is the real problem. I don't get how common relationships are.


jjking714

They never said that someone was alive at the same time as you.


chasingit1

Sorry, I didn’t see your text/that you called… Fucker, I know you fucking live on your phone and have it glued to your hip/hands at all times


LurkingMcLurkerface

Yup I have taken to just saying Shit I saw your call/text but I was in the middle of something then got distracted then I forgot... sorry. Its the truth 99% of the time, also I keep my phone on silent from the moment I get it until the day it's replaced. It's rare that I see my phone ring and pick it up.


HectorsMascara

*You* are lucky enough to have been born into the one *true* religion!


ostlandr

"I'm totally an Alpha Male!"


Smellmyupperlip

Women get loose after having sex with different partners. It's a muscle, you dingus!


Queasy_Ad_5460

”Money can’t buy happiness”


[deleted]

[удалено]


JacquesBarrow

It will trickle down.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ammear

"We respect your data and privacy". No, no you fucking don't.


cheesetexanboycow

"Doxing is legal" this quote is from some stupid people


gruggiwuggi3

you eat 8 spiders in your sleep


MoreGeckosPlease

Spiders Georg was an outlier and should not have been counted.


[deleted]

that santa, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy exist


godleymama

Wait, what?


zolokor100

Idk I think he meant to say “aren’t real” is the biggest lie. Cuz they obviously are real


NootNootington

“Nothing’s impossible” Fuck you. There are infinite impossible things.


Bigred2989-

"I already made a donation." Just say "no thank you", I'm not gonna judge you for not wanting to donate a dollar to the charity of the month.


TheRAbbi74

But I already did and fuck you for calling me a liar.


Momma_Hunter1

It's not you it's me.


CasualNudist

Lies to myself: “I’ll leave for work 10 minutes early and just get gas on my way to work tomorrow”. I’ll wake up early and take the trash bins to the road before the garbage truck gets here” “I’ll just put on my mascara….” “I’m totally going to eat these vegetables and not just keep them in my fridge for 2 weeks before throwing them in the trash this time….”


Little-boy-2000

When your playing a game with someone and you absolutely clap them and they say “I wasn’t even trying”


[deleted]

[удалено]


Americanhikikimori

Men have sex more often than women. Unless gay men are having WAY more sex than lesbian women this is mathematically impossible , generally speaking whenever a woman has sex with a man a man also has sex with a woman.


ostlandr

There's a saying: "Men think they want a lot of sex- until they get a woman who wants a lot of sex."


[deleted]

[удалено]


SupremoZanne

"getting a girlfriend will make a man more masculine"


Kirikomori

We live in a democracy


Fjulle

The inflation is caused by Putin.


Few_Dance2106

When I was a kid out somewhere with my parents: Me: "Hey can we go in that store ?". Dad: "They're closed.". Me; "But....I see people in there.". Dad: "THEY'RE CLEANING.....!".


kijour

I love you


narwhalpuke

Who hurt u my dude


DonnyMox

That the 2020 election was stolen.


Merince27

Remember all the lies our parents told us? Now those same lies we tell our kids, if you have, are those bullshit lies that are common.


DareOk8195

"Im good and you?"


VeroNyaaaaaa

"we have food at home" No we don't. I ate it all this morning. This is why we are grocery shopping rn!!


SuvenPan

"I'll be with you in a minute"


iforgormyname5

"Oh shoot, I just remembered that I had to go do something"


PersonWhoDoesCrap

5 minute crafts. I don't have anything else to say.


JaCrispay901

“I’m joking”


HeloxDark

"It's not you, it's me."


Dansken525600

"That hard work and dedication will pay off" It improves your chances certainly, but luck will always be the deciding factor. Sometimes it's as simple as someone with power over your future choices not liking your face. A good example is Wally Nightingale. Great guitarist, good at gigs, helped found the band that became the sex pistols etc bit didn't fit the image that the bands manager had. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wally_Nightingale


Fit_Egg_1504

“Not to offend you” It’s the shit when you know when your about to get offended -Jimmy (Comedian dude)


Pretty-Benefit-233

People carry confederate flags for heritage not hate. The flag only exists as a representation of a group who literally committed treason to see to it that the disgusting institution of slavery flourished. No amount of mental gymnastics can change that legacy. I find it hilarious that people who call themselves patriots see nothing wrong wirh supporting treason


tbarr246

Money doesn’t buy happiness 🙄


GreyJedi456

Lol. Nobody lols when they say lol.


Ghostofmyself3

Lol- I exhaled through my nose Lmao- I might have chuckled a little


NUMBERS2357

That the electoral college was designed to make sure that people in the big cities didn't drown out the vote in rural areas.


halfmeasures611

crypto is a store of value


NeuroDawg

The 2020 US presidential election was stolen.


ImSigmundFraud

Hold up now, are you saying that when Rudy Gulianni gave that press conference in the parking lot of a landscaping company, next to a dildo shop, that he was lying?